The Great Pretenders
by Grey Bard

Summary: When Jane is in danger, Daria will go to extremes to save her.

Disclaimer: I don't own Daria. I don't make money off of her. If I did, she'd
be pretty mad at me.

ACT I, Scene 1
JANE'S BEDROOM.
JANE is facing the camera, painting a picture that we see only the back of.
DARIA is on Jane's bed, reading and occasionally looking up to talk with Jane.

JANE
<Angrily slapping paint on canvas>
Dammit! My last week as jailbait  half-over and no one to help me commit
illegal acts. Tell me they're all blind.

DARIA
They're all blind.

JANE
<Amused>
That would also explain some of the reactions my art gets
<Annoyed again>
I swear, I'm going out tonight and chasing the first decent guy I meet. It
worked with Tom.

DARIA
<VO>
And we all know how well that worked out
<Aloud>
Do you want me to be your bridesmaid at the Hall O'Elvises Chapel in Vegas?

JANE
Very funny. I'm tempted to do it.

DARIA
Should I book the Jungle Room for you and Mr. X?

JANE
Nah, the Velvet Portrait Studio is more my style.
<Washes the brush and picks a new color.>
Don't look at me like that! I just want a good time, you know.

DARIA
Not Mr. Right, just Mr. Now?

JANE
Bingo

DARIA
Sounds a lot like a sister of mine.

JANE
<Smirking as she washes the brush and uses a palette knife to scrape a little
paint off the picture.>
Don't knock anonymous flirtation. It has its charms.
<Steps back from painting, thumb at arms length in the "painter pose". Turns
painting toward DARIA and audience. It shows a tiny screaming figure shaking a
fist at a sky of angry oranges reds and purples>
What do you think? I call it "Primal Rage".

DARIA
<VO>
Looks more like "Sexual Frustration"
<Aloud>
Very evocative

JANE
So, coming to Pizza Palace with me tonight?
<Pretending to wheedle>
We can chase guys together...

DARIA
<Makes a face>
I'll leave you to your fun, Ms. Hefner. I have an appointment with my tv.

JANE
Fine, be a shut in.
<Smirks>
I have a date with destiny.

DARIA
You do that.

ACT I, Scene 2
PIZZA PALACE, that night.
JANE is absently eating a slice of pizza as she looks at the clientele for a
likely male. CASEY is dark blond, vaguely reminiscent of Tom Cruise and about
19 or 20. He is watching her watching them.

JANE
<Mumbling while glancing around>
Too fat... Looks familiar... Reminds me of Tom... Looks stoned...

<CASEY taps JANE on the shoulder>

CASEY
What's a beautiful girl like you doing in a place like this?

JANE
<Looks up at CASEY and smiles>
Waiting for you.

CASEY
<Pleasantly surprised, then gets a predatory look on his face>
Wanna go somewhere?

JANE
<Rising to the challenge>
Anywhere with strobe lights, loud music and you.

CASEY
<Attempting to sound seductive>
Are you sure the dark isn't better?

JANE
<Oblivious to his intent, and matter of fact.>
Nope, still holding out for strobe lights.

CASEY
<A little harshly, trying to control himself>
Fine. There's this place I know.

ACT I, Scene 3
PARKER'S - A RAVE, a little later.
JANE and CASEY are in the background, dancing to fast techno. The focus is on
QUINN and her date du jour, WARREN. Neither looks much impressed by the music
and wouldn't think of dancing. They're busy standing around and looking
popular.

QUINN
<Shocked>
Oh migod, that's Casey!

WARREN
<Coldly>
Is there anything I should know?

QUINN
<Nervous, but trying to calm him down.>
Oh no, no, just this guy this girl I know met.
<VO, Horrified>
It's him. Oh god, is that Jane he's dancing with?  (bt) I should do something.
Even losers don't deserve him. (bt) What do I owe her? (bt) Nothing, but he
did hurt Tiffany.
<VO, Hushed>
If I don't, I'll hate myself.
<Aloud>
Warren? I have to go to the little girl's room.

<QUINN walks away from WARREN and into a hallway near a door marked "Lady's
room" in spray paint. She looks around nervously and flips out her cellphone
and dials. DARIA answers.>

DARIA
<VO>
Nautilus seafood,
<Cut to: DARIA answering the phone at the MORGENDORFER HOUSE, QUINN is calling
from PARKER'S>
<Aloud>
All the giant squid you can eat.

QUINN
<VO>
It's me.

DARIA
<Enjoying herself at QUINN's expense>
You can't be me, I'm me.

QUINN
<Whining>
Daria, it's important!

DARIA
<Rolls eyes>
You forgot your spare lipstick? You double booked your dates tonight?

QUINN
<Angrily>
I'm trying to do you a favor!

DARIA
Go on.

QUINN
I'm at Parker's. You remember Parker's, right? Well Jane's here and I'm
worried.

DARIA
Why?

QUINN
<Darkly>
Because I know the guy she's with better than she does.

DARIA
<Getting worried>
What are you getting at?

QUINN
He's the jerk that raped Tiffany!

DARIA
<Hushed>
Oh.

QUINN
An you know Jane won't listen to me.

DARIA
<Closing eyes and sounding quietly in pain.>
Yeah.

QUINN
<Nervous giggle>
Besides, he doesn't take "no" real easy.
<All business>
Look, my date's going to wonder where I am. She's your friend, you get down
here and deal with this.

DARIA
<Seriously>
I owe you.

QUINN
Good.
<Hangs up>

DARIA
<Semi-collapses, head in hands>
Oh damn.
<Breaks into a run for her bedroom>
<VO>
You'd better appreciate this, Jane.
<Flips through closet quickly, several crumpled items of clothing come flying
out.>
I'm giving up what little dignity I have left, here
<Runs out of room into an unidentified other room, all you see is the door
crashing closed. The rest of the scene is off camera, as the viewer watches
the closed door.>
And raiding the one closet I swore I never would.

JAKE
<VO>
<Shocked>
Kiddo?

DARIA
<VO>
<Hurriedly.>
Uh, hi Dad. Mind if I borrow the car? It's an emergency.

ACT I, Scene 4
PARKER'S - A RAVE, even later.
<The music is very loud. JANE is dancing wildly oblivious to the fact that a
slightly drunken CASEY is watching her gyrations with a hungry leer.>

JANE
<Shouts>
This music is great!

CASEY
<Leering harder>
Yeah!

JANE
Thanks for telling me about this place! I could dance all night!

<Closeup on: JANE dancing. A hand grabs her shoulder.>

DARIA
<Offscreen, speaking gruffly in a foreign accent>
No, you won't

<JANE turns around and looks in shock. It is DARIA and she is wearing a
leather jacket, a t-shirt with "Iron Man Gym" on the front, and jeans with her
usual boots as well as an "angry boyfriend" sneer as well as an abundant and
well groomed mustache. Her hair is in a low ponytail, it is obvious that DARIA
is attempting male mannerisms, and any curves that she might normally have are
absent>

JANE
<Shocked>
Dari...en!

<Henceforth DARIA in male disguise and voice will be indicated as DARIEN>

DARIEN
<Angrily>
Jane. You are leaving this man and you are leaving him now.

JANE
Darien!

DARIEN
<Gives deathglare>
Now.

CASEY
<Peeved>
Now wait just a minute...

DARIEN
Go away, little man.

<CASEY drunkenly makes a punch at DARIEN, but DARIEN catches his fist>

DARIEN
I mean it.

<JANE gets up and follows DARIEN outside. They get in the MORGENDORFER CAR and
the door shuts.>

JANE
<Really mad>
I don't know what you think you're doing, but it had better be good.

DARIA
<Still dressed as DARIEN, but speaking in her normal voice>
It is.

JANE
<Sarcastically>
I suppose you're going to tell me you saved me from the Lawndale Stalker.

DARIA
<Angrily>
Yes!
<More gently>
Jane, I don't know where you met him, but I got tipped off that he was the guy
that raped Tiffany Blum-Deckler.

JANE
<Confused>
Somebody raped Tiffany?

DARIA
Apparently that's why she's been even more neurotic and obnoxious than ever.
<Shudders ever so slightly and looks down.>
I couldn't let that happen to you.

JANE
So you went in drag?

DARIA
<shrugs>
I had to get your attention.

JANE
<Slowly dawning smirk, grabs DARIA in a hug>
My hero!

<DARIA blushes>

END ACT I



ACT II, Scene 1,
LAWNDALE HIGH, THE HALL, the next day,
<Close up on: The Fashion Club together in the busy halls.>

SANDI
Casey was with that strange girl last night. If he would sink that low, why
did you date him Tiffany?

TIFFANY
<Attempting not to cry.>
I feel soooo horrible, Sandi. I totally had no idea what a rat he was.

<SANDI looks like she is trying to contain amazement at TIFFANY's unusual
behavior. QUINN and STACY look sympathetic and knowing.>

STACY
<Patting TIFFANY lightly on the back>
It's okay, Tiffany, we all make social mistakes.  He didn't look like a loser.
At least you dumped him.

QUINN
<Distracting SANDI>
You know Casey wasn't with her long.

SANDI
<Irritated.>
So?

QUINN
I think you were more interested in her jealous boyfriend.

STACY
<Starstruck>
Yeah, he was so commanding! I wouldn't cheat on him.

SANDI
<Scheming, while attempting to sound casual.>
He may have had potential.  What was his name? Derek something?

<Pan back: JANE is behind them, leaning against a wall and smirking as she
watched. DARIA is somewhere in the background looking annoyed>

JANE
<Insufferably smug>
Darien, Darien Rozatova. And I love provoking him. Those Czechs are so
passionate...

<SANDI tries to ignore her and walk away. JANE calls after her.>

JANE
The brooding ones are the best once you get them going!

<SANDI shudders and the fashion club hurries off. QUINN looks over her
shoulder for a moment and smiles.>

DARIA
<Walks up to JANE>
Darien is Czech?

JANE
Ah, my little drahy hlupak*, who speaks Czech? Besides, no one would believe
you as a Norwegian.

<DARIA rolls her eyes.>

ACT II, Scene 2,
LAWNDALE HIGH, THE CAFETERIA, that afternoon
<JANE and DARIA are sitting at a table. JODIE approaches, tray in hand.>

DARIA
We don't want any.

JODIE
Come on, it isn't that hard. I just want some help setting up for the bingo
barbecue we're holding for the Swansong Fund.

JANE
<Gets a sadistic look.>
Oh no, my date is taking me.

JODIE
Oh?

JANE
<Mock dreamily>
I'm going with Darien, the incredible Czech.

DARIA
What!

<JODIE looks intrigued, DARIA seems ready to shake JANE, MACK comes up and
sits down.>

MACK
Did I miss anything?

JODIE
Jane has a Czech boyfriend and Daria...

DARIA
Jane. Are you sure this is a good idea? I mean, how well do you know him
anyway, and what makes you think he'll want to go with you to a high school
barbecue.

JANE
He'll go.

DARIA
Are you sure?
<DARIA and JANE have a short staredown. JODIE looks at MACK worriedly.>

MACK
<With false cheer.>
So, want to hear what happened at practice yesterday?

ACT II, Scene 3,
 LAWNDALE HIGH, THE CAFETERIA & HALLWAY, approximately 32 minutes later
<DARIA is leaving the almost empty cafeteria.>

DARIA
<VO>
Will her "Czech boyfriend" go to the bingo barbecue? Maybe little pink flowers
will grow in hell too.

<QUINN is waiting by the cafeteria door.>

QUINN
<Conspiratorial>
Hello... Darien.

DARIA
Shut up.

QUINN
<Enjoying herself>
You were almost a hunk in that stuff. Who knew?

DARIA
<Grudging>
Okay, how much?

QUINN
<Ignoring DARIA>
It sounds like Jane enjoyed it.
<Looks sly>
Oh, those passionate Czechs!
<All business>
Sandi seems to have fallen for it.

DARIA
<Not liking this at all.>
So?

QUINN
<In full Quinn-devious mode.>
So I want you to make it easier for her. Not that I'm asking you to be
unfaithful to Jane or anything, of course.

<QUINN smiles very knowingly and DARIA shoots her a death-glare large enough
for several walruses,>

QUINN
Just make sure there's a Darien for her to want. Brood, look Czech, drink
coffee with ethnic stuff. I don't know how you do that drag thing, but make
sure it's Darien she gets an eyeful of. The bingo barbecue would be great.

DARIA
And I should do this because?

QUINN
I need something for the next time Sandi tries to put me on fashion
sabbatical. Besides, you owe me, remember?

DARIA
<Tightly>
Fine.

ACT II, Scene 4
JANE'S BEDROOM, early that evening
<JANE and DARIA walk in. DARIA is wearing her normal school clothes and
carrying a duffel bag. She looks furtive. JANE sits down on the bed.>

DARIA
Thanks

JANE
No problem. Trent's cool with it. He'd better be after some of the stuff he's
worn.

DARIA
Like?

JANE
Let's just say I called him goat boy for a while there and leave it at that.

DARIA
It's a good thing I can change here this time. The neighbors are already
speculating about Quinn's secret lover from last time.

JANE
And that would be bad because...

DARIA
Even Darien has self respect.

JANE
Right, sorry.

<JANE rummages around in the pile of things as DARIA starts to brush her
hair.>

JANE
So this is how it all comes together, hmmm?

< JANE picks up a long strip of pink cloth from the pile.>

JANE
What's this I see, an Ace bandage? That does what I think it does, right?

<DARIA looks uncomfortable as she takes it from JANE, then picks up her
t-shirt and jeans with the other hand.>

DARIA
Yes.

JANE
<Delighted>
Have you been buying drag gear for the sake of little ol' me?

<DARIA turns her back to the camera and JANE as she kneels to unlace her
boots, her drag clothes folded neatly beside her. >

<Close up: The focus is now on JANE and only JANE. She can see DARIA, but
DARIA is offscreen.>

DARIA
No, it's from the time I sprained my knee.

<DARIA'S jacket sails past JANE and onto the floor. Her shirt follows it.>

JANE
<In disbelief>
And I suppose the spirit gum and whatever else goes into that mustache of
yours comes from your father's latest midlife crisis?

<DARIA'S skirt hurtles at JANE'S head, hard. It is obviously aimed.>

JANE
<Barely catching the skirt>
Oooof .

DARIA
No, that's from last April Fool's day. You'd be amazed at how many decibels
Quinn can produce when she realizes that she's woken up with a goatee.

JANE
<Curious>
But her hair is lighter.

DARIA
See that bear I brought along?

JANE
Yeah.

DARIA
That's what Mr. Ted is for. If only Quinn knew why her bear was going bald.

<Pause>

JANE
This is just like watching the Nature channel.

<A rustle of fabric.>

DARIA
Excuse me?

JANE
No, seriously. The moth special. The whole watching a metamorphosis at work
thing. It's kinda cool.

<JANE digs around through the pile and tosses DARIA a pair of socks.>

JANE
If these go where I think they go, you'd better not forget them.

<The sound of a zipper and DARIA is on screen once more, curveless in a
t-shirt and jeans, with her... lower profile.. subtly altered.>

DARIA
Just hand me the old bootlace, okay?

<JANE gives it to her and DARIA uses it to tie her hair in a ponytail. JANE
roots around in the diminishing pile and offers DARIA a flat round object.>

JANE
Need the mirror?

DARIA
Thanks, could you hold it for me?

<DARIA carefully applies DARIEN'S distinctive facial hair. She checks it once,
then nods, satisfied. JANE tosses her the leather jacket.>

JANE
Hey Romeo, let's rock and roll.

DARIEN
<Takes JANE'S arm, gentlemanly.>
Indeed.

ACT II, Scene 5
LAWNDALE HIGH: THE GYM, that night
<It is set up for the Bingo Barbecue>
<Close up: THE FASHION CLUB>

SANDI
Remind me, Quinn, why we are here. What does the fashion club have to do with
cheap gambling and fatty meat?

QUINN
Oh, Sandi, everybody who's anybody has to support some charity.  Otherwise why
would Val be seen at a Spinabifida Survivors luncheon? At least this isn't
something icky like Lyme Disease prevention?

STACY
I don't like ticks!

<QUINN, SANDI, and TIFFANY stare at STACY, who shrinks back.>

QUINN
Anyway, it's the Swansong Fund , Sandi, everyone supports them. They send the
sweetest little girls on fashion shoots as their dying wish. Jean Paul Marnoff
and Chantal and Claudia Brinkley all support Swansong.

SANDI
They have decent benefits. We seem to have a gym full of unfashionable people
and barbecue sauce. Isn't summer bad enough? But, of course you could be
right. After all, I'm only the president.

QUINN
No, no, Sandi, of course you're right, probably. Oh look, it's that foreign
guy!

<QUINN points at DARIEN who is entering with JANE>

SANDI
<Looks interested, then masks it.>
Do I look like I care?

<Cut to: JANE and DARIEN>

JANE
Awww, they're all looking at you. Isn't that cute?

DARIEN
Cute.

JANE
Come on. What's the point in coming if you don't talk to people?

DARIEN
Real American sztyle semi-illegal gamblink? Third-rate barbecue?

JANE
You're here to let me show you off so that I can blow Lawndale minds with you,
hezky vetreloc*.

<DARIEN takes JANE aside and whispers to her as DARIA>

DARIA
We need to get something clear here. Quinn's blackmailing me to let Sandi try
to seduce me.

JANE
<Outraged>
What! On my first night out with a decent boyfriend, I'm supposed to share?
With her? Nope. No way, not going to happen.

DARIA
Do you want everyone to know about...

JANE
<Interrupting>
I don't care. Like anyone ever believes Quinn anyway after years of trying to
convince people that she's "only Daria's cousin".

DARIA
Jane...

JANE
Just no. Okay? Consider this payback time for Tom.

DARIEN
<Aloud, and looking at the ground.>
Fine

JANE
<Falsely cheerful, she walks him over to a table.>
Right. I'll introduce you to Mac and Jodie they're friends of mine, you'll
like them. Oh, and this is Kevin.

KEVIN
<Trying to sound tough>
Darien, hunh? We've heard a lot about you. Just how old are you, anyway?

<Cut to: The TEACHERS, standing in a clump and chatting while sipping drinks.>

O'NEILL
I wonder who that boy with Jane is. He looks strangely familiar... No where
have I seen him before?

DE MARTINO
<Takes a hard look at DARIEN and then O'NEILL.>
I THINK I am going to have a chat with a certain PERSON about what he PUT in
the PUNCH.

<MS. LI takes the podium and fiddles with the microphone.>

MS. LI
I will now begin announcing bingo numbers as I see fit, for our first annual
bingo barbecue for the Swansong Fund. Remember to buy more cards if you want a
better chance to win our fabulous lawn furniture prizes. The first one is
G-37.

<Cut to: GYM CLOCK. Watching the hands, forty-five minutes pass.>

<Cut back to DARIEN, JANE, KEVIN, JODIE, and MACK. BRITTANY has joined them
and is hanging off KEVIN while KEVIN is hanging off of DARIEN'S every word>

MS. LI
O-67

JODIE
<Quietly to MACK.>
She's just calling out whatever number she feels like!

MACK
You're surprised?

DARIEN
But if you threw it towards your own goal would not the opposink team be
szurprised?

KEVIN
Yeah! Cool! I wonder why I never thought of that? You know, you're a really
great guy, Darien. Be good to Jane, 'kay? 'Cause I'd really hate to pound you.

MS. LI
N-12

BRITTANY
Kevie, that is so sweet!

JANE
I don't know if you could, Kevin.  Darien's Uncle Shandor Rozatova was with
the Spetznatz during the Cold War. He taught Darien a few tricks, didn't he,
Darien? Darien?

<DARIEN is looking away, distracted. There is a crash and a chorus of angry
squeals>

JANE
What's that?

<Pan Back: THE FASHION CLUB is clearly visible in the middle distance. There
is a large quantity of barbecue spilled on the floor and various expensive
shoes.

TIFFANY
Ohhh Sandi, I'm sooo sorry. I just couldn't catch it quick enough.

SANDI
What is with you Tiffany? Ever since that Casey guy, you have been completely
spazoid. I would tell you to take a Valium if you weren't already too slow for
words. I think it was your fault what happened to you because by the time you
could remember how to say no, he was finished.

TIFFANY
Ohhh... That's harsh...

<TIFFANY starts shivering uncontrollably and SANDI gets up to get punch.>

JANE
That's it.

DARIEN
What, darlink?

JANE
<To others at the table.>
One moment please.
<JANE drags DARIEN to the end of the bench they're on furthest from the
others.>
You can forget what I said about sharing. B*tch girl there just crossed the
line. Don't humiliate her for Quinn, do it for me.

DARIEN
Jane?

JANE
Sic 'em boy! Go get her.

<DARIEN gets up and strides through the crowd towards the punch bowl and
SANDI. He goes for the punch and "accidentally" bumps SANDI.>

DARIEN
Excuse me.

SANDI
Do you know who I am?

DARIEN
<Raising one eyebrow.>
Szhould I?

<SANDI looks him up and down.>

SANDI
You wouldn't. I am Sandi Griffin of the Baltimore Griffins. We do not have
ties to Russia and places.

DARIEN
And what is Sandi Griffin of Baltimore Griffins doink here?

SANDI
<Loftily>
This is for charity. The Fashion Club supports the Swansong Fund even if the
local benefits are quaint.

DARIEN
Ah, the Szwansong Fund. Is that not the group that gives money to szend sick
children to Indian Playland or let Hooters waitresses visit teenage boys that
are dyink?

SANDI
<Stiff>
Yes.

DARIEN
<Amused>
Instead of giving it to find the cure for sick children or prevaps find a way
that saves young dyink horndogs szo that they may visit a bar on their own
pfennig when they are fat old men?

SANDI
Please. That is what taxes and scientists are for. You're a foreigner, of
course you wouldn't understand. Half your people eat cabbages all the time,
and your major contribution to fashion is the headscarf.

<DARIEN returns the favor and looks SANDI up and down appraisingly.>

DARIEN
Whereas America has introduced the plastic miniskirt and the Payless platform
heel.

SANDI
Are you denigrating me?

DARIEN
Do you know, I think I am, you szilly szpoiled child.

SANDI
We will talk.

DARIEN
You do that.

QUINN
<Peevish>
What do you think you're doing? This was not what I told you...

DARIEN
Do you think I care what you planned? I did my best. You will see. I have
nothing else to say to you, pig-dog.

QUINN
<Horrified>
What did you call me?

DARIEN
Pig-dog. The translation of a very old Czech insult. It implies that not only
are you indiscriminate...

QUINN
<Flouncing off.>
I don't have to listen to this.

<DARIEN looks self-satisfied. QUINN'S three perennial boyfriends, the 3 J'S,
do not look as happy with DARIEN'S remarks..>

JOEY
You insulted Quinn!

JEFFY
Yeah!

DARIEN
Ah, yes. Szo I did.

JAMIE
That's not nice.

DARIEN
And you are tellink me this because?

JOEY
We're gonna pound you.

<JOEY, JEFFY and JAMIE all try to menace DARIEN who looks unimpressed, perhaps
because as DARIA he has seen their pitiful fights too many times to really
fear them. He elbows JOEY in the ribs and trips JEFFY casually.>

DARIEN
<Looks at JAMIE>
You were sayink?

JAMIE
N-nothing

<JOEY and JEFFY look stunned. Intimidated, JAMIE backs into the wall. DARIEN
gently pins him to the wall with one hand. He is too terrified to resist as
DARIEN slowly pours punch down the front of his shirt.>

DARIEN
It is better not to tangle with a man whose uncle was in the Spetznatz.

JAMIE
Yessir.

<The three J's pick themselves up cautiously and scuttle away. The teachers
look disturbed. JANE walks up and catches DARIEN'S arm>

JANE
Cathartic as that was, I think you've done enough damage for one day, Rambo.
Apparently even implied testosterone has side effects.

<DARIEN looks abashed but still perversely proud of himself. It is obvious
that there is something left of the very physical little girl that used to
thump her sister. JANE sees DARIEN to the door.>

JANE
I hope you don't mind, but I'm hungry and I still have some barbecue left. You
can change back at my place. You know where the key is.

<DARIEN walk out into the parking lot, followed by SANDI, who stops him,
wallet in hand.>

SANDI
How much is she paying you?

DARIEN
Excuse me?

SANDI
<Businesslike>
Oh come on. Older man, girl like her, Eastern Block. I do not think you are in
it for her underdeveloped body. I can pay you more. Everyone knows the Lanes
aren't rich.

DARIEN
If anyone was doink the payink it would be me. I am not a gigolo for bored
bigots, Ms. . Can you not find a date without your checkbook? Goodnight.

<DARIEN starts to walk away.>
SANDI
<Yelling after DARIEN, spitefully.>
What did she promise to do? Marry you for your Green card?

<QUINN comes running out of the GYM.>

QUINN
Was that Sandi? What just happened?

DARIEN
Nothink.

QUINN
Daria...

<DARIEN looks at her coolly and dispassionately. For a moment he looks nothing
at all like Daria.

DARIEN
<Emphatic>
Nothink.

<DARIEN trudges off into the night.>

ACT III,  Scene 1
LAWNDALE HIGH, THE HALL, the day after the barbecue, end of the day
BRITTANY
<Amazed>
He's smoother than my Kevie?

JANE
Of course he is. He also prefers me to Sandi. And you heard he took on the
three J's last night...

BRITTANY
And he saved you from the evil Casey! That is sooo sweet!

JODIE
I hate to say this, but Daria might have had a point yesterday.  How much do
you know about this guy, and how long have you been involved?

JANE
Oh, I've known him for a while. I only started to get interested towards the
end of last summer, but hey, I feel like we've known each other all my life. I
just never said anything because I didn't know if he'd show up. He's a writer
who reports on social injustices.  Don't let the Clark Kent thing fool you.
Once you get him going, he is fiery. Not to mention brilliant and loyal and
clever and strong, but those are plusses too, of course.

JODIE
He sounds too good to be real.

JANE
And let me tell you...

<Pan back:  DARIA is standing nearby. JANE notices her.>

JANE
Wow, look at the time. Gotta go. Hey, Daria, wait up!

<JANE catches up to DARIA>

JANE
Okay, I'm busted. How much did you hear?

DARIA
Enough.
<Uncomfortable>
Where did all... that... come from?

JANE
<Nervous>
I thought you liked messing with their minds?

<DARIA gives the "Are you serious?" death glare>

JANE
<building confidence>
Well, it is true, sort of. Most of it. Well it could be! Let's face it, Darien
hasn't treated my head like a lollypop, isn't a dork with nothing but sports
on his mind, and he probably won't drop me for you, unless you're more twisted
than I thought, not to mention flexible. In fact, he's a pretty great guy.
<JANE smiles softly.>
Aren't you flattered?

DARIA
<Frustrated and pained>
I'm not Darien!

JANE
<Smirking>
What makes you think I care?

<JANE kisses DARIA in a gentle but romantic way. DARIA starts to respond when
JANE pulls back and walks off, whistling happily out of tune. DARIA is shocked
and shaken.>

JANE
<Turning back to look at DARIA for a second.>
See you on my birthday! Noon!

ACT III, Scene 2
THE MORGENDORFER HOUSE, THE LIVING ROOM, later.
<DARIA is watching television and looking zombie-like.>

HELEN
Daria? Is something wrong?

<DARIA sits silent in front of the television.>

HELEN
I know I'm not the world's most perceptive mother, but you didn't say a word
through dinner.

<DARIA shows no sign of listening.>

HELEN
<Losing patience>
If you don't talk to me, I'll assume it's because I'm a bad mother and I'll
take us all to family therapy.

DARIA
<Irritated>
Fine, okay? I got surprised by the fact that things weren't as simple as I
thought they were. I guess I was hoping that if I didn't think about it, it
would all go away.

HELEN
<Sardonically>
It never does.

DARIA
I know. What do you call it when the world turns upside down and you find out
your subconscious has been a making a fool of you and you aren't who you
thought you were at all?

HELEN
<Raising her eyebrows and sounding more interested.>
Growing up.

DARIA
And when you can't quite convince yourself to get rid of the evidence?

<HELEN looks down at her immaculate suit and then over at JAKE who is asleep
in his chair, rumpled and snoring.>

HELEN
<Gently>
Falling in love.

DARIA
<Looking resigned>
I was afraid of that.

ACT III, Scene 3
THE FRONT DOOR of the LANE HOUSE, Noon, Jane's birthday

<DARIA knocks. JANE answers.>

DARIA
<Full shy mode>
Ummm, hi.

JANE
Hi, yourself. Okay, spill. What did you get me?

DARIA
Nothing much. Just the security footage that shows Casey adding stuff to
Tiffany's drink.

JANE
Would this be a gift in my name to the Lawndale P.D.?

DARIA
I think Officer Bob will find it interesting.

JANE
When in doubt, talk to the bored night-watchman?

DARIA
Of course.

JANE
Oh yeah, come in. Trent has some crazy idea that he's going to cook for my
birthday, so he invited the guys in the band. Be prepared. Domestic Trent is
even scarier than you think.

ACT III, Scene 4
The LANE FAMILY TABLE, later during Jane's Birthday
<TRENT is hovering and MYSTIK SPIRAL is chowing down happily. JANE and DARIA
are pick at their food. It is lasagna.>

JESSE
Good food.

TRENT
Thanks. Daria's dad taught me.

<JANE and DARIA roll their eyes.>

JANE
Those Morgendorfers make good stuff.

TRENT
Yeah.

JANE
<Taking another bite gingerly.>
Crunchy, yet unexpectedly sweet.
<Spits out a hard bit.>
You have to watch out, they'll surprise you.

<DARIA gets it. She chokes for a moment, then rights herself.>

DARIA
Interesting interpretation...

TRENT
I added some cumin. Audacity is a Lane Family tradition.

DARIA
<Never taking her eyes off JANE.>
Nothing like a Lane to spice things up.

JANE
<Relaxing>
You know, some like it hot.

<DARIA glares at JANE, who grins sheepishly at the horrible pun.>

JANE
Well it's true...

<DARIA looks away.>

DARIA
<Awkwardly>
It's unexpected, but I think it could get addictive. I think it might be the
way I would have wanted it all along if I had known what I was missing.

<TRENT smiles sadly. JANE'S eyes go very wide and she puts down her fork.>

JANE
<Strangled>
Cake, anyone?

ACT III, Scene 5
JANE'S ROOM, Jane's birthday, even later.

JANE
<Satisfied>
Now that's over with. Remind me to have a long talk with your father one of
these days.
<Frantically>
Quick, what time is it?

DARIA
<Flustered>
2:35, why?

JANE
<Grins, shrugging off her shirt jacket and undoing her top two buttons.>
I turn 18 at 3:02. You have 27 minutes to help me indulge in lascivious acts
and corrupt a minor.

<DARIA stands agape in shock.>

JANE
<Tosses herself on the bed.>
Come on! I intend to be taken advantage of!

<DARIA looks at JANE for a moment, then smiles one of her tiny, truly happy
smiles. She starts to take off her jacket.>

ACT III, Scene 6
JANE'S ROOM, Jane's birthday, 3:15 pm.
<JANE looks amazingly content. She is buried up to her neck in covers. DARIA
is putting her glasses back on, and is sitting cross-legged on the bed in only
her boxers and shirt.>

DARIA
<Quietly, looking at the floor.>
I hope you know this meant something.

JANE
<Sleepily>
More lascivious acts as soon as possible?

DARIA
<Upset, looks at JANE, eyes burning.>
I'm not like that. As far as I'm concerned, I hope this is permanent. There
isn't going to be anyone else, Jane, I can't help it.
<Looks back down.>
If you aren't okay with that, I'm not sure what I'll do.

JANE
<Smirks>
Nah, you're about as much as anyone can handle. I wonder if the Hall O'Elvises
Chapel has a Vertmont branch?

<DARIA looks up with dawning joy.  She picks up a pillow and swats JANE with
it.>

JANE
<Laughing and fending DARIA off with a pillow. >
Hey, what did I say?


CREDITS
END SONG: "The Great Pretender" as sung by The Platters

Transformation 1: Trent as a mournful cowboy, singing the blues

Oh yes I'm the great pretender
Pretending that I'm doing well
My need is such, I pretend too much
I'm lonely, but no one can tell

Transformation 2: Disco Jane

Oh yes I'm the great pretender
Adrift in a world of my own
I play the game, but to my real shame
You've left me to dream all alone

Transformation 3: Quinn as the Evil Queen from Snow White

Too real is this feeling of make believe
Too real when I feel what my heart can't conceal...

Transformation 4: Daria as The Queen of Swords (from the tv show of that name)
Basically, an extremely dashing female Zorro

Oh oh, Yes I'm the great pretender
Just laughing and gay, like a clown
I seem to be, what I'm not, you see
I'm wearing my heart like a crown
Pretending that you're still around

Transformation 5: Sandi as a very annoyed Queen of Hearts playing card

Yeah, oh ho
Too real when I feel what my heart can't conceal

Transformation 6: Helen and Jake as 1940's style reporters like Lois Lane and
Clark Kent. (Old style camera, tablets in hand, fedoras with press-passes in
the bands and all)

Oh yes, I'm the great pretender
Just laughing and gay, like a clown
I seem to be, what I'm not, you see
I'm wearing my heart like a crown
Pretending that you're
Pretending that you're still around

Written by Grey Bard
With art by Jikei
And writing assistance from RatGrl

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Footnote:
Drahy hlupak means "darling fool" and hezky vetrelec means "handsome imposter"
in Czech. (Yes, I am the person with a collection of obscure foreign language
dictionaries that you can bother for help with all your esoteric language
needs.)