Daria:
"The Education of Dumber-Than-A-Tree"

by John Berry [berry@sugar-river.net]
proofed by Danny Bronstein

"Daria" & characters ©1999 MTV... why do disclaimers have to be long?

ACT I

[Int. Quinn's room. Early morning.]
[Overhead shot: Quinn is still in bed. She's squirming, tossing, turning,
all of this causing her to get tangled in her sheets. Suddenly, her alarm
clock goes off, jolting her awake. She shuts off the clock, still somewhat
stressed out. Attempting to get out of bed only causes her to trip over her
sheets and fall off-screen.]

[Int. Morgendorffer kitchen. Later morning.]
[Daria and Jake are sharing the same newspaper while they sit at their
places. Helen is just coming to her place with her breakfast.]
JAKE: Okay. What's twenty-one down?
DARIA: A thirteen-letter word for putting something off?... Let's do that
       one after.
JAKE: Yeah... What's a four-letter word for "oblivious" starting with J?
DARIA: Hmm.
[Quinn staggers in, obviously looking like she didn't get much sleep.]
JAKE: [Turns] Oh, hi, Qui-... Ew.
HELEN: [To Quinn] Honey, what's wrong?
QUINN: [Sleepy] I had that dream again.
DARIA: [Leans back] Ho boy.
JAKE: Which one is that again?
QUINN: Oh, y'know: fire and brimstone, Dylan Dillon rises from the rocky
       earth, curses me, shouting...
DARIA: The week where the principal gets shot, and your sister becomes a 
       fugitive, causing the town to go in an uproar... and you have a
       nightmare about your name being pointed out as unisex. [*]
QUINN: It is not! It really isn't!
DARIA: Then what are you so worried about?
JAKE: Yeah!
HELEN: Please be quiet. You're no person to be parenting.
JAKE: Yeah, Daria.
HELEN: I wasn't talking to her.
JAKE: [Disappointed] ...Oh.
[* All that happened in Danny Bronstein's "Who Shot Principal Li?"]
HELEN: Quinn, there is nothing wrong with your name.
QUINN: Says you; you're the one who named me.
HELEN: What I'm saying is, there are a lot of names out there that are
       suitable for both genders. There's nothing wrong with it.
QUINN: But having a guy's name makes me feel like... some stupid male.
JAKE: Please, honey, I'm still recovering from your mother's remark.
QUINN: Sorry.
DARIA: Relax, Quinn. As much as I'd hate to admit it, there are several
       people that you're smarter than.
QUINN: Name one.

[Int. DeMartino's junior class.]
DeMARTINO: NO! IT WASN'T CALLED THE ROARING TWENTIES BECAUSE THAT WAS WHEN
           TONY THE TIGER WAS CREATED FOR RICE CRISPIES! YOU DIDN'T EVEN GET
           THE *CEREAL* RIGHT!! WHERE THE HELL DO YOU *GET* THIS STUFF!!??
KEVIN: Oh, just between you and me... I really just make most of the stuff
       up. It sounds smarter that way instead of stammering if I'm trying to
       remember what the answer really was.
BRITTANY: Ohh, Kevvy, that is the smartest idea you've ever had.
KEVIN: Awww!
[DeMartino goes spastic, twisting around, grunting, and pulling his hair. He
is still wide-eyed as he tries to lean against his desk.]
DeMARTINO: JODIE PILL JODIE PILL!
[Jodie gets up from her desk, taking a bottle from her bag. She force-feeds
DeMartino a pill and goes back to her seat. DeMartino slowly calms down.]
JANE: [To Jodie] That's really in your student council job description?
JODIE: Believe it or not.
DeMARTINO: [Relaxing] Okay... class, the REAL reason this era was called the
           Roaring Twenties was the large cultural and ECONOMIC growth that
           OCCURRED at this time. Now here's a question that even YOU should
           get, KEVIN: WHEN did it all START?
KEVIN: ...1980?
DeMARTINO: WHERE DID YOU GET THAT ONE??!
KEVIN: That's when it all started for me.
DeMARTINO: [Eerily calm] ...Class... you may leave early... Fragile young
           minds, even such as yourselves, do not deserve to see what I'm
           about to do...
[Most of the class gets up and slowly backs away to the door. Kevin is still
at his desk while Brittany gets up.]
BRITTANY: C'mon, I think we should really go.
KEVIN: But baaaabe, he's gonna do something cool!
BRITTANY: [Pulling Kevin away by his arm] I mean it. We should really leave.
KEVIN: But the cool thing! He's gonna whack out! I know it! I'm gonna miss
       the cool thing!

[Int. Lawndale High hallway, outside DeMartino's door.]
[Brittany leads Kevin out and closes the door. She walks away as Kevin
lingers, hearing the sudden shouts, grunts, and crashes from the room.]
KEVIN: [Walking away dejected] Ohhhh!

[School bell segue:]

[Int. Lawndale High hallway, Tiffany's locker.]
[The Fashion Club is gathered around, while Tiffany herself is touching
herself up in the mirror hung on the inside of her locker door.]
SANDI: [Usual self] A guy's name, huh? That's tooooo bad.
STACY: [Concerned] Yeah.
TIFFANY: [Not paying attention] Mm, yeah.
QUINN: It's really embarrassing, yes... You should know, Sandi, right? Maybe
       you could help me cope.
SANDI: What is that supposed to mean?
QUINN: You know, I've heard that "Sandy" is a male name too.
SANDI: [Denial] No way.
QUINN: Yeah, Peter told me about these Japanese cartoons and movies and
       stuff...
SANDI: [Covering her ears] I'm not listening!
QUINN: ...The MAN that brought those over here was named Sandy Frank.
SANDI: [Running away] Nooo!
QUINN: ...That was easier than I thought.
[Cut to another part of the hallway. Daria and Jane are walking down it when
Sandi runs by in the opposite direction.]
SANDI: [Trying to block out any voices] La-la LA la la! La-la LA la la!
DARIA: [To Jane] That's actually a catchy tune.
[Jane cuts off to her separate math class.]
JANE: This is my stop. Gotta get off. [Enters the room]
[A kid comes by in the foreground pinching a zit.]
KID: I think it might pop.
[Daria gets to her locker to find Kevin leaning against it with headphones
on.]
DARIA: Excuse me.
KEVIN: [Singing to his tape] La la!
DARIA: Excuse me.
KEVIN: La la!
[Daria sticks her fingers in her mouth to whistle as loud as possible.]
KEVIN: [Moving away] Gah! What was that for?
DARIA: Sometimes I gotta be direct. [Goes through her locker]
KEVIN: [Taking off his headphones] Whatever... Hey, Daria, are you gonna see
       the Oakwood game tonight?
DARIA: Even for you, that's a stupid question.
KEVIN: Thanks! But seriously, Oakwood's, like, our biggest rival and we need
       all the support we can get, even from unpopular brains like you.
DARIA: Oh, just give them all that lovely speech and I'm sure they'll love
       to come.
KEVIN: Cool! Thanks. [Walks away] [O.S.] See you there tonight, then.
DARIA: [Closing her locker] Did I say that?... Crap, my sarcasm has gotten
       me into more trouble than it's gotten me out of.

[Est. Lawndale High gymnasium.]

[Int. Lawndale High gymnasium.]
[On the girls' side, everyone is in uniform and tossing rubber balls at each
other. Although dressed up herself, Daria does not move from her spot.]
MORRIS: Ms. Morgendorffer! Why are you not participating THIS time? This is
        dodge ball! You are supposed to dodge the balls!
DARIA: I don't see much point. No one pays attention to me, and thus never
       do they aim at me.
MORRIS: Class?
[The rubber balls stop being thrown instantly. Everyone then turns to
Daria.]
DARIA: ...Me and my big--
[She's cut off by the pummeling of several rubber balls at once, even one
from Jane. She gets back to her feet and turns to Jane.]
DARIA: Et tu, Brute?
JANE: I just like tossing balls.
[Pause]
JANE: I should probably rephrase that.
DARIA: Yeah.
[Pan to the boys' half of the gym. Kevin hasn't changed his wardrobe despite
everyone else being dressed for class. He and Mack sit on the top seats of
the bleachers.]
KEVIN: That was cool! Pow! Bam! Everyone hit her at once!
MACK: I hope she wasn't hurt.
KEVIN: She's fine. Besides, she can just walk it off. That's what the coach
       always says to do.
MACK: What if you broke your foot? You should walk it off then?
KEVIN: Boy! That question's so stupid, I'm not even gonna answer it!
[Kevin hits Mack on the back a little too hard. He's sent to the floor.]
MACK: [O.S.] OW! God, I think I broke my foot!
KEVIN: Walk it off.

[Est. Nurse Chase's office door.]

[Int. nurse's office.]
[Mack has his foot bandaged and propped up slightly. Kevin stands by as
Chase comes to Mack with a pair of crutches.]
CHASE: It's only a sprain. You should be able to make it the rest of the day
       unless you'd like me to get your parents.
MACK: I'll be fine.
KEVIN: Ooo! Looks like you're gonna miss the big game tonight, Mack Daddy!
MACK: [To Chase] Hand me one of those clubs.
CHASE: Crutches.
MACK: I don't care what they're called as long as they can beat someone
      senseless.

[Int. Lawndale High hallway.]
[Mack exits in crutches from the nurse's office as Kevin follows.]
KEVIN: I'm glad that didn't happen to me; the team *needs* the QB tonight.
MACK: It's BECAUSE of you that this happened!
KEVIN: Look, Mack Daddy, I told you to walk it off, but now it's too late.
       Now, who's fault is that?
MACK: [Stops moving, as does Kevin] Come over here and I'll tell you.
[Kevin leans over, his ear to Mack.]
MACK: [Whispering] Closer.
[Kevin does.]
MACK: [Grabs Kevin's ear and shouts as loud as possible] DON'T CALL ME MACK
      DADDY!!!
[He throws Kevin's head aside and hobbles off.]
KEVIN: Jeez, SOMEbody sure got grumpy for no particular reason.

[Int. Lawndale High cafeteria.]
[At the Fashion Club's table.]
QUINN: I'm really sorry, Sandi. I just suppose that the fear this whole name
       thing caused made me get bitter or something. I'm better now.
SANDI: Oh, that's quite alright. I actually learned something by it.
QUINN: Really?
SANDI: Yes: you were wrong about my name.
QUINN: What, now?
SANDI: Mine is with an I; this Frank guy spells it with a Y.
STACY: That really makes a big difference?
SANDI: It most certainly does. Adding an I to a name can really feminize
       it. It works the other way around too. Like I've seen your name
       spelled S-T-A-C-I.
STACY: Wow.
TIFFANY: You mean I could spell my name T-Y-F-F-A-N-I?
SANDI: ...Um, a little too much there.
QUINN: So I suppose Q-U-Y-N is out of the question.
SANDI: Right... And there are two N's.
QUINN: Oh, right... Although, you did bring up a good idea...
SANDI: Well, please tell us, then.
QUINN: I'm gonna see about getting my name changed. "Quinn" just doesn't do
       it...
STACY: Good idea.
TIFFANY: Yeah.
QUINN: And though it'd defeat the purpose of ridding my unisex name, I'd be
       willing to become "Sandy" with a Y so we can match.
[The entire Fashion Club laughs.]
SANDI: [Suddenly breaking from laughter] Like hell.
[Awkward pause.]

[Int. O'Neill's junior class.]
[Andrea is reading from a paper in front of the class.]
ANDREA: ..."And so was the retched bitch within the very bowels of her own
        hell. 'No rouge around here,' pointed out the dark specter. 'No make
        up at all.' The cheerleader screamed the scream of torment not heard
        within our own dimension. This truly was hell for her... and the
        black being smiled for the first time with satisfaction."
[Pause. Most of the class is wide-eyed.]
O'NEILL: Uh, thank you, Andrea, for that wonderful piece of... uh... for
         that wonderful piece. [Andrea goes back to her seat] Now who would
         like to go up next to read their piece of fiction.
ANDREA: Uh-oh, we were supposed to do fiction?
O'NEILL: ...Daria?
DARIA: Hm, my piece sort of lost impact after that one. Can I do it over?
O'NEILL: I guess so. What about you, Kevin?
KEVIN: Me?
DARIA: No, the other Kevin.
KEVIN: Oh.
[Everyone waits.]
JANE: Thompson, there is no other Kevin.
KEVIN: Quit confusing me!
DARIA: She's not confusing you. It's the other Kevin.
KEVIN: Uhh... Can *I* do it over?
O'NEILL: That depends; did you do it at all?
KEVIN: ...Maybe?
O'NEILL: Yes or no?
KEVIN: ...Maybe yes... But mostly no.
O'NEILL: Kevin... What did you want to learn most from this class?
KEVIN: Learn?
O'NEILL: Yes. What were you hoping to get when you finished it?
KEVIN: The credit.
BRITTANY: Kevvy, remember what I explained about the teacher's point of view
          of school?
KEVIN: Ohhhhh... No, I don't.
O'NEILL: Class, I'm going to have to ponder what the heck I'm supposed to do
         right now. Why don't you all take out a book to read while you
         wait? [Goes to his desk]
DARIA: What a novel idea.
[Jane stares at Daria.]
DARIA: What?... It wasn't a pun... I was being serious... Sorry if it
       *sounded* like a lame joke... Quit looking at me.
[Most of the class gets out a book except:]
BRITTANY: Babe, why don't you remember anything I said?!
KEVIN: Sorry, Brit, I just don't keep a lot of stuff up there if it isn't
       important.
BRITTANY: So now I'm not important?
KEVIN: I didn't say that!
BRITTANY: Jodie?
JODIE: [Without looking up from her book] You said that, Kevin.
KEVIN: [To Brittany] See?!
BRITTANY: She just proved my point!
KEVIN: What point?!
O'NEILL: KEVIN, PLEASE SHUT UP!!
[A collective gasp from the class.]
O'NEILL: Oh... my... God... I didn't mean to... [lip quivers] Excuse me a
         moment. [Runs out sobbing]
DARIA: ...I never thought I'd live to see the day.
JANE: You're not the only one.
DARIA: Well, no teacher at least.
[Most of the class agrees and leaves. Jodie is the only one left. Jane
re-enters.]
JANE: He's not coming back.
JODIE: It's still unethical to leave...
[Pause. Jodie looks around, picks at the corner of her desk, turns back to
Jane.]
JODIE: So... Not at all?
JANE: Not today.
[Jodie shrugs and gets up. They both leave.]

[Int. Lawndale High hallway.]
[Quinn is walking down the hallway as Daria comes up in the opposite
direction.]
DARIA: Hey, what are you doing out of class?
QUINN: Um, I'm... lost?
DARIA: I'm not Mom or Dad, Quinn.
QUINN: Yeah, alright. What are *you* doing out of class?
DARIA: Mr. O'Neill went insane.
QUINN: Mr. O'Neill? He's, like, the second one today.
DARIA: DeMartino?
QUINN: Yeah. Is there any connection?
DARIA: I think so. [Bell rings] I'm gonna see if-
QUINN: Oh look, people I know. [Shoves Daria into the nearby ladies' room]
       Hi, Hamilton, Joe, Jeff and Reynolds.
JAMIE: Did you call me Hamilton or Reynolds?
QUINN: Oh, names don't really matter. On a completely different note, I'm
       getting my name changed.
[The three J's talk at the same time:]
JOEY: What?
JEFFY: I don't get it. What's wrong-
JOEY: What's wrong with your name?
JAMIE: I like "Quinn."
JEFFY: Yeah.
QUINN: Would you just help me?
[They talk simultaneously again.]
JAMIE: I guess so.
JOEY: If that's what you want.
JEFFY: Can't argue with you.
JAMIE: Sure.
QUINN: Great, we'll talk tomorrow. [Walks away]
[The three J's follow.]
JOEY: What's wrong with now?
JEFFY: No time like the present.
JAMIE: Are you pacing yourself in the process?
[Daria exits the bathroom.]
DARIA: [Calling inside] I was pushed in and tripped; I did not sit on your
       foot because of a fetish. Sheesh.

[Int. teacher's lounge.]
[DeMartino and O'Neill sit on the couch, the latter still crying. Several
other teachers are scattered around the room.]
DeMARTINO: I'd comfort you, but it always sounds fake when I do it.
O'NEILL: <sob> Thank you.
BARCH: C'mon! Get up! Act like a man!... Did I just say that?
DEFOE: Yeah, Tim, we've all been traumatized by Kevin, but we can't let that
       get us down.
BENNETT: He always seems to pay attention to my class.
DeMARTINO: He's just COPYING your LUDICROUS diagrams as FOOTBALL PLAYS.
BENNETT: Huh?
MORRIS: I have to admit, even for an athlete he's annoying to keep around
        Phys Ed. He just keeps saying that he's "saving his energy" or he's
        "sore from the game."
DEFOE: <Pfch>, that's nothing. He's always confusing the crimson acrylics
       for ketchup. I mean, tempera I can understand, but...
BARCH: He tried to drink hydrochloric acid in my class!
DeMARTINO: What made you STOP him?
BARCH: Hey, the stuff don't grow on trees, y'know.
MANSON: I'm afraid this man is going to DRIVE ME TO THE BREAKING POINT!!
[All look at her.]
MANSON: I'm fine. I'm fine.
DeMARTINO: It seems our only recourse is to maybe KILL the runt, but seeing
           as how, ironically, WE'D be the ones to get in TROUBLE, we
           probably should just tell Ms. Li.
O'NEILL: I doubt that would do much good.
BARCH: Yeah, as long as he's winning games, she won't do a thing because
       he's bringing "honor unto Lawwwwndaaaaale Hiiiiigh."
LI: [Over the intercom] I do not sound like that.
DeMARTINO: [Muttering] Stupid security bugs...
LI: [Over the intercom] What was that?
DeMARTINO: What! Nothing! Nothing!

[Int. Morgendorffer kitchen.]
[Jake is at his stew pot, wearing his apron and chef's hat. Helen and Quinn
are talking at the table.]
HELEN: Quinn, you are not changing your name.
QUINN: Don't call me that; I've already started the process.
HELEN: What?
QUINN: I'm going to have everyone call me by no word until I come up with a
       name.
HELEN: What would you be known as then?
QUINN: Until further notice, I'll be represented by this symbol. [Holds up
       paper with the "female" symbol drawn in pink]
HELEN: Jake, support me on this.
JAKE: [Attention focused at the meal] Listen to your mother, Honey.
QUINN: "Honey." Hm, that name has sort of a sense of sweetness... perhaps...
HELEN: Jake!
JAKE: What'd I do now?! [Hat falls into the pot] Ohh! Look what you made me
      do now.
HELEN: Oh, stop it.
JAKE: [Whining] It was a good hat!
HELEN: [As Daria walks in] Daria, would you replace your father as your
       sister's superior and tell her she can't change her name?
DARIA: Can't. Leaving. Not staying for supper either.
JAKE: [Fishing his hat out] What? Where are you going?
DARIA: I have a date.
[The rest of the family laughs hysterically.]
HELEN: Oh, phew. Okay, where are you really going?
DARIA: I'm gonna go cheer an acquaintance in his big football game.
[Pause, then the same laughter as before. Daria leaves.]
HELEN: Okay, have fun wherever you're going.
JAKE: I love that girl.
HELEN: Yeah.

[Ext. Lawndale High football field, bleachers.]
[Daria files into her seat with Jane following behind her. After sitting,
Daria notices Mack and Jodie in the seat in front of them.]
DARIA: What happened to his foot?
JODIE: It's lame.
JANE: I have a feeling we'll be saying that a lot tonight.
MACK: I should be fine. Kevin has his mental handicap, I have my physical
      one.
DARIA: Ba-boom!
JODIE: Don't encourage him.
DARIA: Someone has to.
JANE: You have strong sarcasm, m'lad. Someday, it may fully bloom. Feed it.

[Dissolve to later: The scoreboard reads "HOME: 27, VISITOR: 35"]

[Ext. announcer's booth.]
[Jane's logo on it (from CE Forman's "Taking Debate") is still on the booth,
though it looks like someone tried to scratch it off unsuccessfully (Li
apparently being too cheap to hire a new painter).]
ANNOUNCER: It sure looks like the Lions have fallen behind in this game.
           It's the final quarter, and the home's cheerleaders are in their
           desperate formations to bring up the team's enthusiasm.

[Ext. football field sidelines.]
[All the cheerleaders (including Brittany, natch) are doing the usual 
"cheerleader dance" as they chant.]
CHEERLEADERS: Rah rah ree!
              Kick `em in the knee!
              Rah rah rass!
              Kick `em in the other knee!
              Gooooo TEAM!
[Cut to another part of the sidelines, where Coach Gibson is trying to get
his team to get their act together.]
ANNOUNCER: [V.O.] Coach Gibson appears to be in "pep talk" mode right now.
           We can only hope that that works as well.
GIBSON: Kick their asses or I'll kick *your* asses!
TEAM: [Dully] Yes, sir.
GIBSON: Now go!
[The team scatters into formation.]
ANNOUNCER: [V.O.] And it looks like it has worked for now. Let's see if they
           can keep up that fierce energy into the game. [Narrates] Gouin
           snaps it back to Nelson, Nelson passes it to White, [he means
           Jamie, BTW] White going for it! I think he's gonna make it for a
           touchdown! And-- [Kevin runs the other way into Jamie for a
           tackle] Oh! What the heck just happened here? It seems Thompson
           has attacked one of his own teammates.
GIBSON: [Running in] What the hell did you do?
KEVIN: Sorry, coach. I saw him running the wrong way so I thought he was on
       the other team.
GIBSON: YOU were running the wrong way! I thought we explained the
        difference!
KEVIN: Ohhh, right.
GIBSON: [To Jamie who's still on the ground] White, how many fingers am I
        holding up?
JAMIE: [Singing weakly] They're here... They're there... Pink elephants
       every-... where...
[Cut to bleachers.]
DARIA: Hm, this isn't as bad as I thought it'd be, but it still isn't very
       entertaining.
MACK: Man, we're getting creamed.
JANE: Aren't you glad you sat out?
MACK: Why?
JANE: So you wouldn't get hurt... [looks at Mack's foot] Oh... right...

[Dissolve to later: The scoreboard reads "HOME: 41, VISITOR: 42"]
ANNOUNCER: [V.O.] The Lions are taking a slow recovery, despite the gaffe a
           while back. 

[Int. announcer's booth.]
ANNOUNCER: Now all that's needed is one point to tie. If not, it's game
           over, man! A bug hunt!

[Ext. football field, bleachers.]
[Daria, Jane, Jodie, and Mack watch, the last three actually showing some
interest.]
ANNOUNCER: [V.O.] Thompson goes for the kick-off... and it goes WAY to the
           side, as does his shoe! Oh my God!
[Jane lets out a short yelp before the ball hits her right in the eye.]
JANE: Aggh! Gah Gah dammit! [Holds her eye]
JODIE: Oh my God!
DARIA: Are you okay?
[Zoom-out so Upchuck can be seen. He has one of Kevin's spiked shoes stuck
on the side of his face.]
UPCHUCK: [Weakly] Hey... She got off easy. [Collapses with a groan]
ANNOUNCER: [V.O.] And that's the end of the game. The Lions LOSE!!
[Most of the crowd boo's.]
SPECTATOR #1: This sucks cheese!
SPECTATOR #2: I call a riot!
SPECTATOR #3: Yeah!
[Almost all of the crowd either starts going to the field to rip it apart or
to beat each other up.]
DARIA: Okay, this'd be cool if I was just watching, but--
JODIE: Let's get out of here!
[Jane stumbles a bit, still holding her eye. Mack gets on his crutches.]
JANE: I don't think we can get out of here fast enough!
DARIA: Go on!
[Daria reaches under the bleachers and pulls out Kevin's shoe.]
UPCHUCK: [O.S.] Ow!!
DARIA: Sorry. Okay, let's move it!
[The four try to get out. Every time someone tries to stop or beat them,
Daria swings the cleat by the shoelace to get them out of the way.]
DARIA: Move! You wanna piece of me?! Get outta here!

[Int. Lawndale High auditorium. Next day.]
[School assembly, Li presenting.]
LI: It appears some people find it... amusing to deface school property.
    Such was the case at yesterday's football game, going so far as to
    completely dismantle the Thomas Sheridan--
STUDENT: Sherman.
LI: --Sherman Memorial Goal Post. I'm afraid this will not stand. Some costs
    will have to come out of the school's budget in order to rectify the
    situation. For one thing, the soda machines will only be stocked with
    water.
[The students all moan: "Ew!" "Gross." "Yuck!" etc.]
LI: And staples will have to be bent to their original shape for reuse. 
    Bathrooms must be monitored to make sure students use no more than three
    sheets of toilet paper.
[Daria talks to Jane, who has an eye patch.]
DARIA: I wonder how much she spent on the monitoring equipment in order to
       supposedly save this money.
LI: And, I'm sorry to say, the bowl of mints on my desk will have to go.
STUDENT: NOT THE MINTS!!
JANE: Damn you, woman!
UPCHUCK: [The side of his face is bandaged, BTW] You've gone too far!!
LI: Calm down, students. Steps are being taken at this moment to make sure
    that things get fixed.

[Int. boys' locker room.]
[A few football teammates are scattered around as Gibson talks to Kevin.]
KEVIN: You're doing what?
GIBSON: I'm... letting you go.
KEVIN: But I'm the QB! Isn't there a law against that?!
GIBSON: Look, Kevin, it's one thing if yer all stupid in those classes of
        yours. I don't give a flip about that. But when you start bringing
        that stupidity into our games... THE game... you've gone too far.
KEVIN: So you're doing what?!
GIBSON: I'm letting you go! You're out of here. Unless you can prove to me
        that you're not as dumb as you let on, I'm going to have to kick you
        out.
KEVIN: I'm not dumb.
GIBSON: How so?
KEVIN: ...Um... I'm the QB?
GIBSON: Is that you're excuse for everything?
KEVIN: How'd you find out?!
GIBSON: You're out of here.
[Kevin just stares... He's about to move, but:]
GIBSON: Hey, that uniform's school property. Hand it over.
[Kevin takes off the jersey.]
GIBSON: All of it; pants, pads, shoes...
[Kevin does so.]
KEVIN: Um, I'm missing a shoe.
GIBSON: I'm gonna need some collateral, then.
KEVIN: What are you gonna do with toothpaste now?
GIBSON: C'mon, the boxers.
KEVIN: Leave me with some dignity!
GIBSON: I'm not happy about the idea, either, but it's a requirement. Hand
        `em over.
[Kevin is behind a bench at this point, and we are spared an image that
could give us nightmares forever as Kevin takes off his underwear.]
GIBSON: I'm sorry, son. It's just my job. [Takes the stuff and leaves]
[Kevin is left naked and hanging his head in shame. That is until a few
football players start whipping him with their towels.]
KEVIN: Oww! Agh! Yah! Gah! [Runs out]

[Commercial bumper: B&W slow-mo the Lawndale High faculty complaining in the
teachers' lounge.]

END ACT I

***

ACT II

[Int. Thompson living room. Day.]
[A view of the TV from behind Kevin, sitting on the couch so you can only
see the back of his head.]
TV ANNOUNCER: Everyone's wanted to have their own condominium, but what
              about one that suddenly materialized from nothing? See the
              house that jack built on the next Sick, Sad World!
[Kevin clicks off the TV via remote and sighs. Doug (Kevin's father) walks
up.]
DOUG: Son, I know how depressed you are right now... but for Pete's sake,
      put some clothes on!
KEVIN: Sawwww-reeee.
[Kevin walks off, holding a throw pillow in just the right angle to spare
us from the sight of total nudity.]
DOUG: I don't believe he came home like that.

[Int. Kevin's room.]
[I won't go into much detail as to the appearance of the room on the off
chance that we may see it someday; all that needs to be known is it's full
of football merchandise (bed sheets, posters, maybe even a mobile from his
babyhood). He's in boxers at his closet, the only contents being the shirt
from the end of "College Bored" and the outfit from "Lost Girls."]
KEVIN: Oh no... I have to make a decision!

[Int. Lawndale High hallway.]
[Quinn is talking with her J's as they walk down the hall.]
JOEY: So, Quinn--
[Quinn holds up the paper with the symbol.]
JOEY: ...So, Girl Formerly Known as Quinn, what do you want us to do to
      help?
QUINN: Just rattle off some names. I'd like something to pick from, plus
       have it something that the guys like to listen to.
JEFFY: Ohhh! How about Krystal?
QUINN: Too many different spellings for that. Plus "Kris" is unisex.
JOEY: Wendy?
QUINN: Doesn't suit my voice.
JAMIE: I always thought Michelle was a beautiful name.
JOEY: You're such a suck-up, John.
JAMIE: I'm Jamie!
JEFFY: Elizabeth.
QUINN: "Liz"? Sounds like "lizard."
JEFFY: Ew, good point.
JOEY: Dawn!...
QUINN: Hmm...
JAMIE: How about "Helen"?
QUINN: EWWW!!
JAMIE: What?!
[They pass by Brittany talking to Jodie and Mack.]
BRITTANY: Oh, my poor Kevvy. I'll bet he's really all gloomy and stuff now.
MACK: We are really sad for him.
JODIE: Yes, we are.
MACK: He is off the team now.
JODIE: That is really sad.
MACK: Yes.
BRITTANY: He's really lucky to have friends like you. [Walks away]
[As soon as Brittany is out of sight, Mack's foot seems to miraculously heal
as he jumps up for a high five with Jodie.]
BOTH: YES!!

[School bell segue:]

[Int. O'Neill's junior class.]
[Kevin is at his seat in his college shirt, wearing a loose pair of jeans he
obviously had to borrow from his dad, and sneakers. Brittany puts a hand on
his shoulder, but when he's too mopey to notice she withdrawals it.]
O'NEILL: Class, let's review what we were going through yesterday.
DARIA: Yesterday was the review of the homework we had the day before which
       was based on all the work we did last week, and that stuff in itself
       was just a synopsis of the reviews we already went over!
O'NEILL: That's just to make sure everyone understands.
JANE: [Eye still bandaged, BTW] Um, I'm pretty sure everyone already does.
O'NEILL: ...Oh... Well, class? Could all those that understand the lesson
         please raise their hand?
[Everyone but Kevin raise their hands (though Brittany is a little slower at
it).]
O'NEILL: Oh, just one person... We have to go over the whole thing.
DARIA: Ah?

[Int. Lawndale High hallway.]
[Kevin and Brittany walk. Kevin carries the football he always does.]
KEVIN: Everyone looked at me real weird.
BRITTANY: That never bothered you before.
KEVIN: I mean weirder. I don't know why... I mean, I didn't do anything
       different, did I?
BRITTANY: I don't think so.
KEVIN: Maybe I'm just thinking stupid stuff because of what happened...
BRITTANY: You're not gonna cry again, are you? We already missed history for
          that.
KEVIN: No! I am a man! I must be strong! This football here is the only
       thing I have left of fond memories.
BRITTANY: Um, Babe? Isn't that school property, too?
KEVIN: Um, I guess.
[Li comes out of her office just in time.]
LI: It is? [Snatches the football from Kevin] Yoink! [Goes back to her
    office]
KEVIN: [Whiny] Nooo! Uh! Babe!
BRITTANY: That wasn't my fault.
KEVIN: Yes! [Notices the three J's walking up] Oh, hey, Joey, Jeffy... dude!
[The three J's give different greetings simultaneously.]
KEVIN: How've you been?! The team miss me?!! Please say the team misses me!
JAMIE: Um... They never said anything...
KEVIN: At least they're dealing with their pain.
JEFFY: Um...... Yyyyeah.
KEVIN: So you wanna hang out?
JOEY: We never hung out.
KEVIN: It'll be like old times!
QUINN: [Walking by] Hi.
[The three J's call her and run in her direction.]
DARIA: [Coming up] Looks *exactly* like "old times."
KEVIN: Yeah.

[Int. Lawndale High gymnasium.]
[Most of the class is just doing warm-up stretches at this point early in
the class. Kevin has changed into gym clothes for the first time, but is
only sitting on the bleachers, the side-edge of the bottom seat. Daria comes
up in her gym clothes.]
DARIA: Why aren't *you* doing anything? I thought you liked sports.
KEVIN: Sports are cool! But, this class... It's like there's no sportsman-
       ship! There's no glory! Honestly, I hate this class.
DARIA: Yeah, me t-... Excuse me. [Walks off, shuddering] I have something in
       common with Kevin. Brrr! Yech! [Comes to Morris] Can I break early?
       I need to hit the showers... badly. A niiiiice LONG one.

[Int. Morgendorffer living room.]
[Jake is flipping through channels as Quinn comes downstairs.]
JAKE: Your sister's sure been in the shower a long while. Is she alright?
QUINN: I shouted into the door and she told me to leave her alone.
JAKE: This water bill is gonna be murder! She's been in there since she got
      home and it's almost time for dinner!

[Int. Lawndale High hallway. Next day.]
[Daria is at her locker talking to Jane.]
DARIA: Have you noticed Kevin getting weirder than usual?
JANE: Um, is that possible?
DARIA: Apparently.
[Kevin walks by holding a watermelon.]
DARIA: Rumor has it that's because it's the only thing football-shaped 
       around his house.
JANE: I doubt that.
KEVIN: [Calling to a former teammate off-screen] Hey, buddy! Go long!
[Kevin drops the melon and kicks it. All that does is get his foot jammed
inside it.]
KEVIN: NOOOOO! My only football!
[Daria and Jane swap looks.]
KEVIN: Oh well... [Walks away, with the one foot still in the melon causing
       a squishy sound with each step]
DARIA: [To Jane] Don't you just pity him?
JANE: Not at all. Look at this! [Points to her patch] You know how annoying
      it is to be an artist with no depth perception?
DARIA: I'd say a lot of modern artists lack depth. It shouldn't be a
       problem.
JANE: Don't mock me, Spanky.

[Int. school library.]
[The Fashion Club is at a table while Quinn is looking through a book.]
QUINN: I want a name that's easy to remember and say, yet complex for a
       touch of exotica.
SANDI: Quinn, can we *please* get out of the Geek Shack here? This place
       gives me the creeps...
QUINN: Eleanor and Carol I'd like to avoid... It seems like only old people
       have those names. Bertha is a type for chubbiness... Dot sounds cute.
       Yeuch, I don't even want to think about the name "Marge."
STACY: Why don't you name yourself after a month? Those sound nice.
QUINN: Hmm... April? June? May?
TIFFANY: How about we call you "Janet"?
QUINN: Dammit! None of this is working. I'll never find the perfect name.
SANDI: Great! Let's get outta here. [Runs out; she can be heard having the
       willies outside]

[School bell segue:]

[Int. O'Neill's junior class.]
[The class is just leaving when O'Neill pulls Daria out from the crowd.]
O'NEILL: Daria, may I speak to you for a moment?
DARIA: I dunno. Could you pantomime for a bit of a change?
O'NEILL: Y'know, seeing Kevin lately... It just breaks my heart, really. I
         mean he was never one of my best students, but I don't think he
         deserved to have his passion torn from him; no one does.
DARIA: Mine was when I became a sibling...
O'NEILL: I was just wondering, would you consider some one-on-one tutoring
         with him?
DARIA: [Sighs] Mr. O'Neill, we've been over this before.
O'NEILL: But this is different. He actually wants a higher grade... being
         that it's the only way he'll be allowed back in his sport. He told
         me himself!
DARIA: Then why didn't he contact me directly about it?
O'NEILL: He said he didn't want anyone to know that he wanted to learn...
         Oh whoops! Jeez! Forget I said anything.
DARIA: Already on top of it.

[Int. Lawndale High hallway.]
[Daria is being trailed by Kevin.]
KEVIN: Say, Mr. O'Neill didn't ask you anything about me, did he? I mean,
       not that I'd know...
DARIA: Don't bother.
KEVIN: C'mon, Daria! Why won't you teach me stuff so I can get back on the
       team??
DARIA: Gee, Kevin, I'd love to, but I'm lying to you right now. No.
KEVIN: Please?
DARIA: No!
KEVIN: Please?
DARIA: No!
KEVIN: Please?
DARIA: No!
KEVIN: Please?
DARIA: Please!
KEVIN: No.
DARIA: Please!
KEVIN: No.
DARIA: Please!
KEVIN: No!! Why can't you just accept it?!
DARIA: Okay, fine! You always have it your way! [Pouts and stomps away]
KEVIN: Sure showed... Dah! Wait! I saw that cartoon! [Runs] Hey Daria! Wait
       up! Daria, I need you!
[As sitcom-coincidence would have it, Brittany overhears this last line.]

[Int. Lawndale High cafeteria.]
[Daria and Jane have lunch as Kevin is on his knees.]
KEVIN: Please?
DARIA: No.

[Int. Lawndale High library.]
[Daria reads a book at a table while Kevin is sitting across from her.]
KEVIN: Please?
DARIA: No.

[Int. Lawndale High computer lab.]
[Daria is at a computer when the monitor suddenly reads "<NOSPMOT> Plz".
Daria types her reply: "<DariaM> No"]

[Int. Trent's car. Driving.]
[Trent is taking Daria and Jane home while Kevin rides a bike next to the
window.]
KEVIN: Please?
TRENT: Who is that weirdo?
DARIA: Just keep driving.

[Ext. Morgendorffer house.]
[Daria is taking a bag of garbage to the can. She opens it to find Kevin's
head popping out.]
KEVIN: Please?
DARIA: No.
[Daria dumps the bag on him and leaves.]

[Int. Morgendorffer kitchen.]
[Daria comes in with a glass of water, suddenly stopping when she notices
Kevin's face smeared oddly on the window.]
KEVIN: [Muffled] Pleafe?
[Quinn enters.]
QUINN: Gah! Who is that?!
DARIA: You really don't recognize him?
QUINN: Narrow it down.
DARIA: You tried desperately to get a date with him.
QUINN: I said to narrow it down.
DARIA: Well, he looks bigger with shoulder pads.
QUINN: What? [Squints at Kevin] Eww! That's what Kevin looks like? He's
       so... GEEKY without his uniform.
DARIA: Well now his looks match his mind.
[They both exit to the living room. After a couple of seconds Daria comes
back in.]
DARIA: No. [Exits again]
[Kevin takes his face off the window, leaving a big white smudge on the
glass.]

[Int. Daria's room.]
[She's sitting on her bed reading. The phone rings.]
HELEN: [O.S.] Daria, it's for you again.
DARIA: [Picking up the phone] No. [Hangs up]
[Phone rings.]
HELEN: [O.S., getting tired of it] Daria.
DARIA: Mom, just change the message on the answering machine.

[Int. Morgendorffer kitchen.]
[The phone rings again. This time the machine picks up.]
HELEN'S VOICE: [From the machine] Daria says "no." [Beeps]
KEVIN'S VOICE: [From the phone] Awwww! [Clicks]
[The phone rings again.]

[Int. Lawndale High hallway.]
[Daria has her head in her locker as Jane comes up (having recently had her
patch removed).]
JANE: Daria?
[Daria snores.]
JANE: Daria!
DARIA: [Bolts up, but is still groggy] Huh-wha?
JANE: What happened?
DARIA: No sleep all night. Kev call, phone ring. All night. No sleep.
JANE: Get any sleep?
DARIA: No sleep. All night. Kev call.
JANE: Kev call?
DARIA: All night.
JANE: All right. *Why* was he calling?
DARIA: Neuter... tutor, I mean... forget... too tired...
JANE: Um, I hope English won't be the first lesson... Why didn't you just
      unplug the phone?
[Daria just stands there.]
JANE: Daria?
DARIA: I go kill me now.
[Cut to another part of the hall, where Brittany is trying to walk. It's a
bit hard for her given that she's dragging Kevin by her ankle.]
KEVIN: Baaaaabe! What'd I do now!!??
BRITTANY: Don't play dumb with me.
KEVIN: I'm not playing!
BRITTANY: I saw you talking with Daria! I don't believe you're doing that to
          me again!
KEVIN: What?!
BRITTANY: You said you want her!
KEVIN: No, I need her. That's different.
BRITTANY: RRRRR!! It's over! You hear me?! [Kicks her ankle free and storms
          off]
KEVIN: Not again! Babe, stop! [Tries to catch up] I wouldn't cheat on you!
       ...Not now, anyway! You're the only thing I have left after all of
       this! Come back!

[Int. Lawndale High cafeteria.]
[Daria and Jane have lunch when Kevin comes up.]
KEVIN: Daria?
DARIA: Okay! You win! I'll tutor you! Just stop bugging me!!
KEVIN: You will? Cool... But I wanted to ask you something different.
DARIA: ...Jane? Mind stabbing me with that spork?
JANE: Ain't sharp enough.
KEVIN: [Sitting down] So Daria, you're used to being shunned and everything.
       Right?
DARIA: It's the truth, but that doesn't mean you have to say it out loud.
KEVIN: Well how come everyone suddenly hates me now that I'm not on the
       team? I'm not any different.
DARIA: I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but... nobody *ever* liked you!
KEVIN: Huh?
DARIA: The teachers were fed up, students were jealous and annoyed by your
       personality, but were too afraid to say so aloud because of your
       former high status. They always hated you.
JANE: Welcome to Lifesucksville. Population: you... Well, you and Daria.
DARIA: Thank you.
[Kevin doesn't say anything, but looks like he's carrying a heavy weight.]
JANE: Uh-oh. Looks like it was too much for his itty brain to handle at
      once.
KEVIN: ...I can't believe I never noticed that... I mean, I knew that, like,
       being the QB made me more special than others, but that that would
       make them only FAKE being nice?
JANE: Right-o.
KEVIN: So that means, like... I had no friends?
DARIA: You had friends. Just none were real... Except maybe Brittany.
KEVIN: No, she broke up with me.
JANE: Again?!
KEVIN: I don't believe I never saw this.
DARIA: Power makes one blind.
KEVIN: I must be the stupidest person in the whole world.
JANE: And now he is no longer blind! THE TRUTH SHALL SET YOU FREE!!
DARIA: Again, I'll deny ever saying this, but like I told my sister, no
       matter how stupid you are, there's always someone stupider.
JANE: A sad and bitter truth.
KEVIN: Someone stupider than me? Like who?

[Int. Butt-head's living room.]
[Beavis and Butt-head on the couch in their usual poses.]
BEAVIS: ...Heh heh... Uhhhh, Butt-head?
BUTT-HEAD: What? Huh huh.
BEAVIS: I forgot how to breathe. Mm heh heh.
BUTT-HEAD: Uhhhh... Me too. Huh huh.
[They both start slowly turning blue.]
BEAVIS: Um, is that, like... bad?
BUTT-HEAD: Huh huh... Um, I dunno.
BEAVIS: [Straining] M-heh. Um, I think it might be. M-heh m-heh.
BUTT-HEAD: [Same] Yeah. I guess.
[They both collapse.]

[Int. Morgendorffer living room.]
[Daria and Kevin enter.]
DARIA: Let's set up the study session here.
JAKE: [O.S.] Kiddo, that you?
DARIA: Uh, maybe we'd better study at your place.
KEVIN: Why?
JAKE: [Coming from the kitchen] Dar-... Oh, Kevin! I missed you, dude!
DARIA: [Shoving Kevin out the door] Go-go-go-go-go-go!
JAKE: [Following] We still never went through my year book! How've you been?
[Daria closes the door as Jake runs into it.]
JAKE: Owie! Well, see you later!

[Int. Quinn's room.]
[Quinn is sitting next to Helen on her bed with her arms crossed.]
HELEN: You have to understand how complicated it is to legally change your
       name. It also costs money.
QUINN: Everything costs money, Mom, and that never should stop you.
HELEN: You also have to realize how important your name is to me. It was
       after your great grandmother.
QUINN: You mean I'm named after a dead person?!
HELEN: Um... yes?
QUINN: EEEWWW!!

[Int. Thompson living room.]
[Kevin shows Daria around.]
KEVIN: Here, let me give you the grand tour.
DARIA: I'd rather just get the tutoring thing over with.
KEVIN: C'mon!

[Int. Thompson kitchen.]
KEVIN: This is where we, like, cook food.

[Int. Thompson dining room.]
KEVIN: This is where we, like, eat it.

[Int. Thompson bathroom.]
KEVIN: This is where it, like, ends up.
DARIA: That's enough of that.
KEVIN: Alright.

[Int. Quinn's room.]
HELEN: All I'm saying is--
[Phone rings.]
QUINN: Just a second. [Picks up] Hello?... Oh, hi, Martin... No, I think the
       name short for "Nicole" is "Nick" which is also short for "Nicholas"
       which is, in fact, male... Sorry. [Hangs up] Now where were we?
HELEN: Uh-
[Phone rings.]
QUINN: Just a moment. [Picks up] Hellooooo?... Oh, hi, Julian...

[Int. Thompson living room.]
[Kevin and Daria sit on the couch, each with a book in hand.]
DARIA: I before E except after...?
KEVIN: Nine o'clock.
DARIA: No.
KEVIN: Seven on Sundays.
DARIA: No, no! I mean what letter comes before E and I.
KEVIN: O. No, wait, that comes after.
[Daria grunts.]

[Int. Quinn's room.]
QUINN: [On the phone] "Stephanie"? That's so Eighties... Sorry, bye. [Hangs
       up] So, Mom, you were saying?
HELEN: I'm sensing a pattern here.
QUINN: What?
HELEN: Every time I go to explain the phone rings.
QUINN: Don't be silly.
[Long pause.]
HELEN: Well-- [Phone rings] Sonofa...!

[Int. Thompson living room.]
KEVIN: I ain't no good at English. Can we try something else?
DARIA: Let's try science, I suppose. [Switches books] Like, did you know
       that HCL isn't to be ingested?
KEVIN: Wow... I have no idea what "ingested" means!
DARIA: [Grabbing the original book] Back to the English.
KEVIN: HCL stands for Happy Clown Laughter, right?

[Int. Quinn's room.]
QUINN: [On the phone] If I was called "Pam", it'd be cool to be compared to
       Anderson... Yeah, but I'm afraid more people will think more about
       that stuff you spray on frying pans so stuff won't stick... Yeah,
       sorry... No, no one else has won either... Bye. [Hangs up]
HELEN: "Won"? Won what?
QUINN: Oh, I've been holding a contest at school where people will help me
       to pick a new name. The winner gets a date with moi!
HELEN: Quinn! Here I am trying to teach you the error of your ways and here
       *you* are contradicting that right in front of me.
QUINN: I am what I am, Mom.

[Int. Thompson living room.]
[Daria's looking a lot like she's had more than she can take at this point.]
DARIA: No, Stephen King did not write Paradise Lost. There's a bit of a gap
       in between the creation of those two.
KEVIN: How much?
DARIA: I dunno! Prob'ly like a billion!
KEVIN: Cool!
[Kevin's parents enter.]
DOUG: Hey, Kevin, what're you doing?
KEVIN: Just studying.
CHARLENE: Not while we're at home!
DARIA: What?
KEVIN: [Loud whisper] No, Mom! I mean we're *really* studying!
CHARLENE: Ohhh.
DOUG: Who is this?
KEVIN: Oh, she's Daria. She's a brain.
DOUG: Ew.
DARIA: Pleased to meet you, too.
KEVIN: [To Doug] She's, like, helping me and stuff. If I get my SNL back up,
       I can get back on the team.
DARIA: That's GPA.
KEVIN: See how much she's helping me? I'll be back on the team in no time!
CHARLENE: Yes... She is quite helpful.
DARIA: Yeah, he can already recite the alphabet up to G.
DOUG: I guess we can leave you two alone. Good luck, son.
KEVIN: Thanks, Pop!
[Kevin's parents leave.]
DARIA: Gee, we're sure making progress with all these interruptions and your
       lack of grasping the subjects.
KEVIN: I know. I'll finally be invited to parties again once I'm back on the
       team.
DARIA: You really don't care that those weren't really your friends?
KEVIN: Hey, friends are friends, Daria. Not that you'd really understand.
DARIA: I guess not.
KEVIN: So tell me again; if Darwin wasn't the guy in the yellow hat, who was
       he?
[Daria makes a sour face.]

[Int. DeMartino's classroom. Next day.]
[Daria enters to meet DeMartino at his desk.]
DeMARTINO: What's this? A student in my room after class is OVER? And NOT
           for DETENTION? What is it you want, DARIA?
DARIA: I need to vent. Despite friction we've had in the past, I find you
       the only one to understand my woes.
DeMARTINO: What could you POSSIBLY want to talk with ME about?
DARIA: ...Teaching Kevin ANYTHING!
DeMARTINO: Oh, please! I don't wish to disCUSS this in my off-hours!
DARIA: He's IMPOSSIBLE! Even when he WANTS to learn he doesn't absorb
       ANYTHING!
DeMARTINO: You're RIGHT.
DARIA: So you know how I feel.
DeMARTINO: MORE so. I've been teaching him for FOUR YEARS! He had to take
           his FRESHMAN year OVER!
DARIA: I've only been working with him for a day and I'm already losing my
       sanity!
DeMARTINO: I remember the days when my eye stayed IN my head!...
DARIA: I've already developed a twitch!
DeMARTINO: It gets worse!
DARIA: No it doesn't! Stuff just goes WHOOSH! Over his head!
DeMARTINO: He'll still act like he's actually PICKED stuff up!
DARIA: His squeaky voice giving you all the wrong answers!
DeMARTINO: That stupid SMUG look on his FACE!
DARIA: I don't even get paid!
[Pause. DeMartino turns back to his work.]
DeMARTINO: You win.
[Daria gives a pathetic look.]

[Int. Lawndale High hallway.]
[Daria and Jane walk.]
DARIA: [Muttering] Hate Kevin. Hate Kevin. Hate Kevin. Hate Kevin...
[Kevin jogs up.]
KEVIN: Hi, Daria!
DARIA: Hate, Kevin! I mean hi, Kevin!
KEVIN: So, you comin' over tonight?
DARIA: Why don't we skip a day? I'm burned out from yesterday.
KEVIN: Oh, yeah. Me too. Whew. Well, tomorrow then! Seeya! [Leaves]
JANE: So the only way to get a jock to like a brain is to un-jock him.
DARIA: Uch. That's messing with the order of things. I've decided that it's
       actually better for jocks to not tolerate brains at all.
[Mack and Jodie walk by.]
JANE: And that?
DARIA: The exception that proves the rule.
JANE: Oh, is THAT what that is?

[Int. Thompson living room.]
[The family watching TV.]
CHARLENE: So where's your friend today, Kevin?
KEVIN: Friend?
DOUG: Y'know, the brainy chick.
KEVIN: Oh, she's not really a friend. She's just helping me.
CHARLENE: I think she's a lot better than that Brittany girl you're always
          with.
KEVIN: Oh, we broke up.
DOUG: Again?!
CHARLENE: Great! So you're free!
KEVIN: Huh?
CHARLENE: She's a nice intelligent girl, and you need someone like that
          around.
DOUG: Don't listen to her. It'll never work out.
KEVIN: Yeah... But she *is* the only one talking to me...
DOUG: [Continuing] Unless, of course, she and her friends have been dropping
      hints or anything.
KEVIN: Nawwwww! Uh-... Hm...
[Previous scenes replay through V.O. in Kevin's head.]
KEVIN'S VOICE: I hate this class.
DARIA'S VOICE: Yeah, me too.
[...]
JANE'S VOICE: Population: you and Daria.
[...]
BRITTANY'S VOICE: You said you want her.
[...]
DARIA'S VOICE: Okay! I'll help!
[...]
MUNCHKINS' VOICES: We represent the Lollipop Guild!
[...]
PORKY PIG'S VOICE: Th-th-th-that's all, folks!
[Kevin snaps out of it.]
KEVIN: Got a little off-track there... Buuuutttt...

[Ext. Morgendorffer house. Next morning.]
[The doorbell rings. Daria opens the door to find Kevin at it.]
DARIA: Not until this afternoon. [Notices him holding a bunch of tulips]
       And I know you thought you were helping, but those weren't weeds you
       pulled from the back yard.
KEVIN: No, silly! They're for you!
DARIA: [Knitting eyebrows] ...Weh?

[Commercial bumper: B&W slow-mo of Mack and Jodie's high five.]

END ACT II

***

ACT III

[Ext. Morgendorffer house. Seconds later.]
[Same scenario.]
KEVIN: Wanna go out before school starts?
DARIA: Kevin, I think you misread some signals... especially given that I
       never sent any.
KEVIN: Oh, you don't have to play dumb with me, Daria. You've been wanting
       to go out with me for a long while. Remember that dance where you
       tried to convince me to go with a "non-cheerleader"?
DARIA: There's that misreading I'm telling you about.
KEVIN: And you, like, saved my life during that hurricane!
DARIA: I just couldn't stand to see a dumb animal killed.
KEVIN: Y'know, that was a cool time, what with all the singing you were
       doing.
DARIA: What?
KEVIN: About Quinn's shoes and stuff. It was cooler than that time holidays
       came to town to start a band...
DARIA: Okay, now you're worrying me.
KEVIN: That's very sweet to worry about me, but I'm fine. Now can we go?
DARIA: Oh, sure. Let me get my things. [Slams door]
KEVIN: Okay.
[Kevin hums a merry tune while waiting. A few seconds later it's obvious
that Daria took the back door as she sneaks behind Kevin.]

[Est. Lawndale High.]

[Int. Lawndale High hallway.]
[Daria is at her locker as Jane leans against the wall beside her.]
JANE: Why weren't you at home when I came to meet you?
DARIA: I'd rather not get into that.
JANE: Oh, Daria, you can tell me.
DARIA: I know you, Jane. As soon as I tell you, you're gonna make a big
       scene over it.
JANE: Moi? Nothing surprises me, Daria. You're forgetting who I live with.
      I promise not to make a scene.
DARIA: Fine... Kevin suddenly developed an unexplainable crush on me.
JANE: OH GOD! UCK! BLAH! THAT'S JUST... EEWWW! GOD, WHY DO YOU TELL ME THESE
      THINGS?!
DARIA: [Sour face] I really don't know.
JANE: What is this based on?!
DARIA: I don't know! He says that *I've* been the one after him.
JANE: Delusions of grandeur. He's probably compensating for his lack of fame
      by having himself believe he's the lady's man.
DARIA: That's it, huh?
JANE: Yeah, it's called Ruttheimerism.
KEVIN: [O.S.] Hey, Daria!
DARIA: That isn't Upchuck right now, is it?
JANE: No, but someone with a surprisingly similar voice and objective.
KEVIN: [Runs up] You said that we were going to go out, but now school's
       started.
JANE: [To Daria] You said "yes"?!
DARIA: It was reverse psychology.
JANE: Reverse psychology doesn't work on someone that's already backwards.
KEVIN: So, Daria, we can, y'know, make it up tonight if you like.
DARIA: Since when does what I like affect your actions?
KEVIN: Hey, you're right! Daria, come with me tonight.
DARIA: ...My big mouth has hit strike three.
KEVIN: We could, like, go to that pizza place... I can't afford that fancy
       French place. Heh.
JANE: You mean Chez Quinn?
KEVIN: Yeah. You know French? That'd be helpful.
DARIA: Sure, I took French. I know such useful phrases as "Kevin est très
       stupide un crétin."
KEVIN: Hey, cool. Y'know, I hear they let people in for half-off if they
       know more French than the waiters. Maybe we *can* go after all!
DARIA: Merde.
JANE: [Pointing] Look! Nothing in particular!
KEVIN: [Turning] Where?!
[Daria and Jane dart in the opposite direction. Kevin turns back around to
find them gone.]
KEVIN: Oh, playing hard to get, huh? I can hold out...

[Int. Lawndale High girls' bathroom.]
[Daria and Jane run in and lean against the stalls to catch their breath.]
DARIA: Phew. Thanks. Owe you one.
JANE: Well, twelve, but who's counting?
DARIA: Man, I can't believe how dense Kevin is.
JANE: You can't?
DARIA: Why can't he realize that no MEANS no?
JANE: It's that Ruttheimerism, I tell you. The Ruttheimerism!
DARIA: I wish he'd just leave me alone!
BRITTANY: [Exiting a stall] You do?
DARIA: Brittany?
BRITTANY: I don't know how to feel. I mean, on one hand I'm glad that you're
          not after him after all, but on the other hand I'm disappointed
          that you'd hate him.
DARIA: I don't hate-hate him.
BRITTANY: I don't follow.
JANE: I won't comment on that.
DARIA: It's like I want to tell him to eternally roast in Hell, but I don't
       want to hurt his feelings about that.
BRITTANY: Oh, yeah, I've been there.
DARIA: And why do you care how much I hate him? You're the one that broke up
       with him.
JANE: Again.
BRITTANY: I thought he was cheating on me!
JANE: Again.
DARIA: He wasn't after me.
BRITTANY: Oh!
DARIA: ...Then.
BRITTANY: Oh.
DARIA: How can I get him off my back?
BRITTANY: Have you tried reasoning with him?
DARIA: Several times.
BRITTANY: Just shouting no?
DARIA: Yup.
BRITTANY: Distracting him?
DARIA: Twice.
BRITTANY: Why don't you just slap him?
DARIA: Slap him?
BRITTANY: Yeah, knock some temporary sense into him. It's a good last
          resort.
JANE: I like it!
BRITTANY: It usually gets my point across. And after that I'll take him off
          your hands.
JANE: I like it!
DARIA: I guess it wouldn't hurt. Except my hand.
BRITTANY: Great! I'll get my Kevvy back and you'll have your freedom.
JANE: I like it!
BRITTANY: Bye. [Leaves]
JANE: I like it!
DARIA: She's gone, Jane.
JANE: That's what I'm liking.

[Int. Lawndale High hallway, outside the bathrooms.]
[As Daria and Jane exit, the Fashion Club comes up. Quinn takes a small box
that's been taped up next to the door.]
STACY: What's this?
QUINN: I put up a ballot box for people to help me with a name.
SANDI: Something tells me that wasn't a good idea.
QUINN: You always say that. Now look: [Opens the box and pulls out a paper]
       Amanda Hugginkiss.
STACY: What?
QUINN: Oh, those jokers. Heh. [Another] I.C. Wiener? [Another] I.P. Freely?
       Mike Rotch?! Harry Sachs?! Ooooohhhhh!!! [Throws away the box]
SANDI: I believe I am at liberty to dispense an "I told you so."
QUINN: Ohh... Make it quick.
SANDI: Toldja so.

[Very short montage:]
[Int. Defoe's junior class.]
[Kevin paints a haphazard heart and shows it to Daria. She and Brittany
frown.]
[Int. Lawndale High hallway.]
[Daria is walking and turns to discover an "I'm Going Out With Kevin" sign
on her back. She rips it off.]
[Int. O'Neill's junior class.]
[Kevin tosses a paper ball at Daria, hitting her in the head. She uncrumples
it to find another heart drawn on it.]
[End montage.]

[Int. Lawndale High hallway.]
[Daria's still walking in frustration. Kevin tags along.]
KEVIN: So, like, I know you love me and all. You don't have to hide it.
DARIA: [Thought V.O.] Must wait for signal from Brittany...
KEVIN: We could, like, go eat anywhere you like.
DARIA: [Thought V.O.] Must hold it in...
KEVIN: We could go to the French place, speak some French... Maybe even kiss
       French-like...
DARIA: [Aloud] THE HELL WITH IT!
[Daria whips around and socks Kevin in the face as hard as she can. He gets
knocked backwards and falls. Daria looks around to find everyone staring at
her. She can't explain herself, her eyes darting around to view the crowd,
and she runs away. Kevin gets up and holds his cheek where he was hit.
Upchuck comes in (his bandages recently removed).]
UPCHUCK: Feisty one, eh? Don't worry, you'll get used to that. [Notices
         someone O.S. and heads there] [O.S.] Hey, toots, howsabout a night
         with Charles the Third?
[Violent sounds are heard as Kevin watches and winces every once in a
while. After it's finished, Kevin walks by the site, Upchuck's legs sticking
awkwardly out of a trash barrel.]
KEVIN: [Quietly] Man, I got off easy.
UPCHUCK: [Muffled, weakly] See? Didn't feel a thing... Ugh.

[Int. Lawndale High girls' bathroom.]
[Deja vu as Daria runs in and leans against the stalls, Brittany having
recently finished applying make up at the mirror.]
BRITTANY: Daria, what's wrong?
DARIA: Um... Okay, I hit him like you said...
BRITTANY: And?
DARIA: ...I knocked him down with one blow of my fist of rage.
BRITTANY: Fist?! Oh no. This is bad...
DARIA: I don't know why I did it! I just lost control!
BRITTANY: Now he'll be more determined than before.
DARIA: What?
BRITTANY: You over-did it, Daria. Now you knocked the sense *out* of him.
          Now he'll think he has to prove himself to you. I know this from
          experience, Daria. Trust me.
DARIA: Ohh... pootertoots.

[Int. Lawndale High hallway.]
[Daria and Brittany exit the bathroom.]
DARIA: Wait, we forgot to check if the coast was clear.
BRITTANY: It usually is.
KEVIN: Daria!
DARIA: Gah!
BRITTANY: Oops.
KEVIN: What do I have to do to get you to confess your love?
DARIA: Oh... It'll never work between us Kevin... um... [Think fast!] You
       may be as unpopular as me now, but I'm still a brain. We're still
       very different.
KEVIN: Oh... Well, I'll show you. I'm not as think as you stupid I am! [Runs
       off]
BRITTANY: Ohh, he's got it bad. He didn't even notice me. [Sniffles]
DARIA: Don't worry, Brittany. You'll get him back... Cuz God knows *I'm* not
       gonna take `im!

[Int. Morgendorffer kitchen.]
[Quinn has her arms folded on the table, resting her head on it. Jake
enters.]
JAKE: What's wrong, Sweetie?
QUINN: [Lifts her head] This whole name thing. It's driving me crazy.
JAKE: [Sits at his place] How so?
QUINN: I've been trying for what seems like forever! The perfect name:
       that's all I ask.
JAKE: Well, besides being... a man's name, is there anything really wrong
      with it?
QUINN: No. I like the way it sounds, too! It's just that one little bug. And
       I'm getting to the point where I'm almost willing to get *any* name
       as long as I can change it!
JAKE: So you find almost nothing wrong with it and wish to change it, but
      nothing sounds as good as the original.
QUINN: ...Yes.
JAKE: Been there.
QUINN: You have?
JAKE: You think I wanted to carry on the name of my father? "Morgendorffer"?
QUINN: I guess not.
JAKE: I know exactly how you feel. I *could* also go into a long, boring
      story about my past, but I know how that felt too.
QUINN: You really *do* know how I feel.
JAKE: Yeah... [Realizes] Hey, yeah! I do!
QUINN: So you'll help me?
JAKE: You betcher!

[Int. Thompson living room. Evening.]
[Kevin's watching TV. Doug comes in.]
DOUG: Cartoons?
KEVIN: No. Borrowed a tape from the school library.
DOUG: [Shocked] What?
KEVIN: Got a test tomorrow. It took me, like, three hours to get through a
       page of my history book so I decided to just watch the movie instead.
DOUG: Oh, that's... fine.
KEVIN: I'm also gonna watch the movie "Young Frankenstein" for my English
       quiz. Hope it isn't too different from the book.

[Int. Lawndale High hallway. Next day.]
[Kevin is tailing Daria again, who is accompanied by Jane.]
KEVIN: I'm gonna show you. If I pass any of my tests, it'll prove that I'm
       not a moron and THEN you'll hafta go out with me!
JANE: [To Daria] I think your safe.
DARIA: I'd like to think so, but experience tells me that nothing turns out
       the way I'd like.

[Int. DeMartino's room. After school.]
[DeMartino is at his desk correcting papers. He eventually comes to one that
particularly catches his eye.]
DeMARTINO: The hell?

[Int. Li's office. Next day.]
[Kevin is sitting in front of Li's desk, Li herself sitting behind it with
DeMartino at her side.]
LI: Mr. Thompson, do you know why you were called in here?
KEVIN: `Cause you said my name?
DeMARTINO: Look at this, KEVIN. [Holds out Kevin's test] You see the GRADE
           there?
KEVIN: Uhhh... Yes?
DeMARTINO: What does it SAY?
KEVIN: I don't hear anything.
DeMARTINO: JUST READ THE GRADE!
KEVIN: Uhhhh... D-minus?
DeMARTINO: VERY GOOD!
LI: So you see why you're down here.
KEVIN: ...No.
DeMARTINO: D-MINUS IS A PASSING GRADE! You've NEVER gotten a PASSING GRADE
           in my CLASS!
KEVIN: Cool!
LI: The question is, Mr. Thompson, did you indeed cheat on this test?
KEVIN: Dude! No way! That'd be, like, stupid!
[Li and DeMartino look at each other.]
BOTH: Polygraph.
[Cut to later, close-up of Li.]
LI: Ha! People mocked me for getting this machine. Now I'll get to prove how
    useful it is.
[BUZZ!]
[Zoom out. She was attached to the polygraph.]
LI: [Stutters at the machine saying she lied] Dah-wuh! Okay, unhook this
    thing! Enough testing it!
[Cut to later, where Kevin is attached to the machine.]
LI: Now, Mr. Thompson, this gadget called a polygraph will detect any change
    in your attitude, determining whether you are a fibber. Understand?
KEVIN: Uhh... Yeah?
[BUZZ!]
LI: Just tell me the truth and you'll have nothing to worry about. Got it?
KEVIN: Oh, okay.
[BUZZ!]
DeMARTINO: [To Li] Let me try. [To Kevin] Kevin, no lie. Lie bad. Be true.
           True good. We know you lie. So no lie. GOT THAT?
KEVIN: Sure!
[The polygraph lets out one long buzz that doesn't stop. DeMartino pounds on
it in frustration, unsuccessfully trying to get it to stop.]

[Int. mysterious room.]
[Li is at a computer while DeMartino stands by.]
DeMARTINO: I don't believe you had a whole other room behind your bookcase.
LI: No telling anyone, remember. Okay, this program will detect cheating at
    least eighty-five percent. [Typing] Handwriting analysis... comparison
    to past GPA... comparison to others' test scores... Oh my God.
DeMARTINO: That simply CANNOT BE!

[Int. Lawndale High gymnasium.]
[Mack is on the bleachers tying his shoe while Jodie sits beside him.]
MACK: The past couple of weeks have been great! Team confidence has sky
      rocketed, injuries on the field have lowered tremendously...
JODIE: And you've stopped having to use sarcasm as a defense mechanism.
MACK: Why do I need it? With no Kevin to annoy me or anyone else, life has
      been a lot more grand. I'm in Heaven.

[Int. Lawndale High auditorium.]
[School assembly.]
MACK: I am in Hell.
GIBSON: [At the podium] I'm proud to announce Mr. Kevin Thompson's 
        re-entrance into the Lawndale Lions football team!
DARIA: [To Jane] He didn't even have to raise it to a C average.
JANE: None are judged fairly in Jock World.
GIBSON: [Continuing] So please give a big hand to the return of our star
        quarterback!
[Applause goes around the room as Gibson moves from the podium to allow
Kevin behind it. He's gotten his uniform back.]
KEVIN: This is, like, really cool and stuff! Glad to be back! Though, um,
       I'm still missing a shoe.
[Kevin's cleat flings from the crowd and sticks to the front of the
podium.]
KEVIN: Hey, thanks!
JANE: [To Daria] Nice arm.
DARIA: Aiming for his face, though.
KEVIN: Now... That past couple of weeks as a loser were... I dunno. Not as
       bad as I thought it would be, I guess. But tonight... I consider
       myself... *the luckiest man*... ON THE FACE... *OF THE EARTH*!
[Crowd cheers.]
DARIA: What I wouldn't give for a rickety goal post about now.
KEVIN: Now, the one chick I'd like to thank for getting me this far is in
       this room... She's influenced me... Gave me the extra boost that
       ended up bringing me back to the team... That person is... Mrs.
       Briggs, the librarian! Get up here!
[Applause as Briggs comes up.]
JANE: [To Daria] Well, it's not like you wanted that kind of attention,
      anyway.
DARIA: Silver lining?
JANE: Yeah.
KEVIN: Oh, and Brittany, too! I love you, babe! Get up here!
[Brittany runs up.]
BRITTANY: Oh, Kevvy!
KEVIN: I missed you, babe.
[The students cheer again as Kevin tries to lift both women onto his
shoulders. He succeeds, but the added weight makes him topple backwards. The
cheers suddenly die down into a couple of stray voices being iffy about
their shouts. Li then gets up to the podium as the three behind her try to
recover themselves.]
LI: On another note, I'd like to point out how this proves how educational
    videos can be rather than personal teachers... Movies shall now replace
    most of the staff.
[Teachers groan loudly.]
DeMARTINO: BOOKCASE!
[Silence.]
LI: [Nervously] Um... This is on a trial basis, of course. Thank you. [Walks
    away quickly]

[Int. Morgendorffer kitchen. Evening.]
[Daria and Helen have dinner alone.]
HELEN: Is there something wrong, Daria?
DARIA: There always is.
HELEN: I mean anything specific.
DARIA: There always is.
HELEN: Oh, never mind! [Looking around] Where are your father and sister?!
[Door slam.]
JAKE: [Entering] Honey, I'm home!
HELEN: Jake? Where's Quinn?
JAKE: Oh, she's not Quinn anymore.
HELEN: What?
JAKE: Come in here, darling!
[Quinn enters.]
QUINN: Hi!
HELEN: Where've you been?
QUINN: Got my name changed.
HELEN: What?!
JAKE: Don't worry about it, Helen! Go ahead and explain, "Quinn."
QUINN: You know that no matter how much I liked the sound of it, the flaws
       of it being male and after a dead guy were... gross.
JAKE: [To Helen] Yeah, and I knew how much you wanted her to keep that name,
      sooooo...
QUINN: I had my middle and first switched around. I am now Louise Quinn
       Morgendorffer!
JAKE: And being nick-named after your middle name is actually common
      practice, so you can still call her "Quinn" AND she can be satisfied
      that she's different now!
[Daria stares at Jake, surprised that he would come up with this. Hold for a
second. Then:]
HELEN: Jake... YOU ARE SUCH A MORON SOMETIMES!
OTHERS: What?
[Helen gets up and pulls Jake out by his ear.]
HELEN: WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?! This is the stupidest thing you've done...
       [Voice diminishes as she heads upstairs]
[Daria and Quinn are left looking at each other.]

[Int. Pizza King. Next day.]
[Daria and Jane at their favorite booth, eating.]
DARIA: Weird.
JANE: What?
DARIA: You notice that no matter how wacky things get around this town,
       eventually everything finds a way to get back to the way things were.
JANE: Hmm... Yeah. Kevin completely forgets his crush and your help as soon
      as he returns to power...
[Jane takes a sip of her soda.]
JANE: `Course your sister's referred to by her middle name now...
DARIA: Yeah, there's that...
[Daria takes a bite of her pizza. Then they just sit there.]
JANE: Aren't you glad that things will always revert to their former selves?
DARIA: Lucky me... My sister will always be annoying, my dad will always be
       beaten down by Mom, and Kevin will always hate brains.

[Ext. Taylor house.]
KEVIN: [V.O.] Hey, babe, why don't we see what that History Channel is
       about?
BRITTANY: [V.O.] What?
KEVIN: [V.O.] Um... I mean you don't want your parents to become suspicious
       about you asking for a satellite dish for that reason and then not
       watching that channel.
BRITTANY: [V.O.] Oh.
KEVIN: [V.O.] ...Yeah... That's the reason...

END

THEME: "What An Idiot He Is" by Ashley MacIssac

AUTHOR'S NOTES:

This story may have failed in the same way that Daria's movie about Quinn
did; I tried to show more than the surface Kevin. Turns out there isn't any.
Though I did try to show a smidgen of hope in his character in the end.

Kudos to my li'l sister Jennifer for coming up with the subplot idea. It's
pure Quinn! Quinn's middle name of Louise was taken from CE Forman, who had
originally gotten it from Peter Guerin. Getting the idea third-hand is
better than nothing.

This story was originally to be called, simply, "Punted." Proofer Danny
Bronstein suggested that the name didn't nail much (ironic, given the
subplot). He suggested this one, a reference to "The Education of Little
Tree", which I had to admit was better. Another suggestion was "Educating
Kevin", referencing the story "Educating Peter."

I like the ironic idea of the school psychiatrist slowly going insane, yet
acting professional when actually on the job. I may play on this in the
future. May. Hey, she appeared only once; I think I'm allowed some liberties
here.

I guessed at the birth year of Kevin (1980). It made sense in that he was 17
back when the show started in 1997. Being that he was a year older than
everyone else also gave me the thought (and an obvious one at that) that
Kevin flunked a year.

And for those of you interested, Mike Quinn *did* respond about the title to
my last story. :)