THE DINNER DATE FROM HELL A "Daria" Fan Fiction Story (Part of the "Daria: The OAV's" Series) By Peter W. Guerin (Revised June 6, 1999) ================================================================ With apologies to Glenn Eichler and Susie Lewis. ================================================================ AUTHOR'S DISCLAIMER AND NOTES TO THIS REVISED EDITION ================================================================ None of this ever happened. This story is entirely a work of fiction. As for continuity, this takes place after "The Prepaid Phone Call of Tommy Sherman." This new revised edition now acknowledges the fact that Sandi's family name is "Griffin", and that Tom Griffin is a CPA. Other than that, and some clarification of stage notes and background information, the rest of the story and the caption jokes are as when this story was first posted. All "Daria" characters are (C) 1993, 1997, 1999 MTV Networks, a Viacom International Company. All Rights Reserved. ================================================================ A SPECIAL NOTE TO THIS DOCUMENT ================================================================ All notes in this document are in parenthetical citation format. The number in brackets refers to the appropriately numbered endnote at the endnotes section of this document. ================================================================ ACT I, PREDATORS 0 (Yeah, hockey season's here again, and the expansion teams are sucking again!) ================================================================ (The usual "Daria" opening sequence rolls as Splendora's "You're Standing on My Neck" plays. At a movie theater, everyone but Daria is laughing at a scene. At gym class, Daria lets the volleyball get by her, causing Stacy and Tiffany to flash hostile looks at her. At the hallway, Kevin and Brittany are blocking Daria's locker. Daria blows a whistle to causing Kevin to think it's time for practice. He and Brittany clear out, and Daria goes to her locker. At a football game, Daria is the only one not cheering. At gym class again, Daria lets the volleyball get past her again, once again causing Tiffany and Stacy to flash hostile looks at her. At a wedding, the bride files past the Morgendorffers. Pan left to see Helen, Quinn and Jake all crying while Daria reads a newspaper with the headline "MAYOR INDICTED". Finally, at gym class again, Stacy and Tiffany collide as they try to get the volleyball, which once again goes past Daria. Close up of Daria smiling, which then zooms up and over to form the "Daria" logo beneath a yellow background, below which is the caption "in: 'The Dinner Date from Hell'" in black "Daria" script.) ================================================================ Scene 1: The Morgendorffer residence, 1111 Glen Oaks Lane, Lawndale, 5:45 PM Friday. Open with a shot of the outside, then switch to the living room. ================================================================ (Daria and Jane Lane are camped out at the living room, watching "Sick, Sad World" on TV. A woman dressed as B-ko Daitokuji in her Akagiyama 23 battle suit from "Project A-ko" is seen holding up a bank.) SSW Announcer: Is the popularity of Japanese animation causing an increase in violent crime? We'll tell you, coming up next on "Sick, Sad World"! Daria: This is the type of story only people like Peggy Charren can relate to. Jane: And Tipper Gore. (Jake enters through the front door, with a big impish grim on his face.) Jake: Hello, everyone! I'm home! Daria: Uh-oh! Here comes "Mr. Dopey" himself. Jane: Hi, Jake! What's up? Jake: Hi, Jane, (To Daria.), hi, kiddo! Well, if you need to know, I just finished talking to Tom Griffin at the Rathskeller! (1) Daria: Huh? Jane: Isn't he Sandi's dad? Daria: Unfortunately, yes. Jake: And, now get ready for this! I've invited his family over for dinner tomorrow night! Daria: Jane, call Dr. Kevorkian and ask him if he has an opening. Jane: That is, if he isn't already booked solid or in jail again. Jake: (Obviously hurt by those remarks.) Daria, why do I have the feeling that you don't like the Griffins? Daria: Dad, their daughter Sandi hates my guts, and Quinn keeps telling her that I'm her cousin and not her sister. Jake: (Panic-stricken all of a sudden, with the veins beginning to pop out of his forehead.) SHE DOES? Why the nerve of her! I'll straighten this out once and for all! (He goes to the foot of the stairs.) QUINN! I NEED TO TALK TO YOU RIGHT NOW! (Quinn comes down the stairs, wearing her dopey smiley-face T-shirt and that red miniskirt she wore to seduce Kevin with in "The Lab Brat".) Quinn: Dad, what is it? And make it quick; I've got a date with Jeffy. Jake: Quinn, have you been telling Sandi at school that Daria's your cousin? Quinn: (In mock innocence.) Why do you want to know that? Jake: Because Daria told me, that's what! (Quinn's jaw drops in shock.) Jane: Well, well, well, the truth will come out in the end after all! Daria: Think the expression on her face will make a good painting? Jane: C'mon, Daria, I want people to have a positive impression about my paintings, not scared out of their wits! Jake: Quinn Louise (2) Morgendorffer, you're grounded this weekend! Quinn: But, Dad-- Jake: Don't "But, Dad!" me, young lady! You march right back upstairs! You're not going on any dates tonight! Quinn: (Bolting past Jake and going up to Daria and Jane, then yelling at the top of her lungs.) DARIA, I HATE YOU! (She screams at her, then runs upstairs, crying.) Jane: (Sarcastically.) I can see she took that rather well. Daria: Maybe with good behavior she'll be out in ten or fifteen years. Jane: (Getting up.) Well, I guess I'd better go now; I can see the proverbial crap's going to hit the fan when Helen gets here. Jake: (Cheering up a bit.) Now, now, Jane! You can stay here a bit longer. Don't leave on my account! Jane: I just remembered that Wind was going to pay us a visit this weekend, and I was going to paint a cool design on a vase my mother made to give to him. It's kind of a combined "Welcome Home" gift and wedding gift. Daria: Your brother got married again? Jane: Yeah. This time, it's a Las Vegas showgirl. He says he's certain this time it'll last. Daria: (To herself.) Then again, he's said that about the sixteen other marriages he's had. Jake: Tell you what, Jane, you're invited as well to dinner tomorrow! Jane: Are you serious? Jake: When will your brother show up? Jane: He's supposed to be here in an hour or so. We're going to give him the vase in the morning and then have a nice, quiet lunch after that. Let me see if it's OK with my folks. Hell, I might even bring him over and show him to Daria. Jake: Way to go there, Jane! I'll see you then! (He goes to the door.) Jane: I can see my way out myself, Jake! (To Daria.) See you tomorrow, Daria! (She exits.) Daria: Same here. (The door closes.) Dad, do you know what you just did? Jake: (Trying to defend what he just did.) I was just trying to be neighborly, Daria. Daria: Dad, it's bad enough that Sandi and her whole family hate Jane, Trent and I. They don't need to have their false impressions that my friends and I are sick weirdoes reinforced by having Jane's oldest brother over here as well. Jake: But, Daria, Jane and Trent are pretty OK people. I'm pretty sure the rest of them are as well. Daria: Most people in Lawndale beg to differ, but that's their prerogative. (Helen now enters. She's wearing the blue suit she purchased in "Esteemsters".) Helen: Helllloooo! I'm home! I won the big defective plywood suit against Hardware Mart today! Jake: I knew you could do it, honey! (He kisses her.) Helen: And how was your day today, Jake? Jake: I talked to Tom Griffin at the Rathskeller today, and his family are going to be here for dinner tomorrow! (Helen scowls.) What's the matter, honey? Helen: Jake, you know I don't get along with Linda! That back-stabbing bitch! Daria: Not only that, they'll all finally learn the truth that I'm Quinn's sister. Jake: (Getting a bit nervous.) Uh, well, Daria did mention that Quinn was telling Sandi that Daria was her cousin, but I grounded Quinn for the weekend. See, honey, I can assert parental authority. Daria: Not only that, Jane's going to be here as well, with her big brother Wind! Helen: (Gasping.) Why does this always have to happen to me! I have a ton of paperwork to catch up this weekend, (opening her briefcase to reveal the papers she's got jammed in there.) and I just can't find the time to cook a meal! Jake: I can cook it, honey! Helen: Jake, not to hurt your feelings, but you are a terrible cook! Daria: I have to agree with Mom, Dad; you make C-ko Kotobuki and Akane Tendo look like Julia Child and the Frugal Gourmet, respectively! Jake: (Outraged that the both of them could put down his cooking.) SO, I'M NOT A GREAT COOK, AM I! I'LL SHOW YOU! I'LL SHOW YOU ALL! I CAN COOK AN EXCELLENT MEAL THAT EVERYONE WILL ENJOY, WITHOUT ANY ONE OF YOU HELPING ME! I'LL SHOW YOU, DAMMIT! (He storms out of the living room and into the kitchen, where he grabs some cookbooks and begins to leaf through them.) Helen: You're going to be a big flop, Jake! (To Daria.) Could I speak to you alone for a moment? Daria: This is unusual. Helen: (Exasperated) Come on, already! (They proceed to go upstairs.) ================================================================ Scene 2: Daria's room, 6:15 PM Friday. Background music: the opening synthesizer break from "Going Out of My Head" by Fatboy Slim. ================================================================ (Helen is sitting in the chair next to Daria's desk, while Daria is sitting on her bed.) Helen: Daria, I though I'd never would be forced to do this, but I need your advice. Daria: That is a first. (Pauses.) Maybe I should buy a lottery ticket; this could be my lucky day. Helen: Daria, I'm being serious here. You know I don't get along with Sandi's mother very well. She cuts me down to size every chance she can get with me. I just can't stand it! I was hoping that you could give me some pointers about cutting her down to size. Daria: You're asking me for advice on that subject? You cut Dad down to size very well already. Helen: Well, that's different. Your father is a putz already. Linda, on the other hand, is a strong-willed, egotistical bitch-- Daria: Just like Ms. Li. Helen: Exactly. Daria: Just don't tell anyone at school I said that; I could face the firing squad. Helen: You have my word on that, Daria. (Pauses.) So, any pointers about handling Linda? Daria: First off, you need to know your foe's weaknesses. Helen: Daria, Linda's so damn perfect I don't know if she has any weaknesses. Daria: Everyone has their Achilles heel, Mom. (She goes to her closet and takes out some notebooks) I've been keeping profiles of everyone at the Fashion Club and their parents; read these and you'll know everything I know about what makes them tick. Helen: Where do you find the time to write all this up? Daria: It's not easy, but I manage. (Helen begins to leaf through the notebooks) In the meantime, I'm going to go to the bathroom. (She gets up and goes out into the hallway. She passes by Quinn's room, where she's crying her eyes out while sitting on her canopy bed. Daria pauses.) Daria: Don't worry Quinn; maybe the parole board will listen to reason. Quinn: (Wrenching her head out of her hands). Daria, you've ruined everything for me! Sandi's bound to kick me out of the Fashion Club for sure now! Everyone is going to point to me and say, "Oh, look! There's Quinn Morgendorffer! She's the one who has that geek sister Daria!" Daria: It could be worse, you know. Quinn: How so? Daria: You could have been stuck having Quasimodo for a brother. (Quinn shrieks and throws her smiley face pillow at Daria, who dodges it. Quinn returns to her sobfest as Daria walks to the bathroom.) ================================================================ Scene 3: The Griffin residence, 6:00 PM Friday. Show the outside, then cut to the living room. Background music: the synthesizer break from "Circles" from Soul Coughing. ================================================================ (Sandi is watching MTV's "House of Style" while her brothers Sam and Chris wrestle with each other. Tom enters the house.) Tom: Sam, Chris, knock it off now! Sandi: Never mind them, Dad! They've been this way all day! Tom: Anyway, I've got some really good news for you all! We've been invited to the Morgendorffers for dinner tomorrow night! Sandi: (Panic-stricken.) WHAT! Tom: Sandi, I know you have had some bad blood with them in the past due to the incident regarding the Student Government President election (3) but you have to learn to get along with them sometime! Sandi: Like, Dad, I can't stand that cousin of Quinn's, and Quinn herself keeps trying to usurp me! Tom: You are going to be on your best behavior tomorrow night, young lady, or else you are going to be forbidden to go to Cranberry Commons for a month! Sandi: Like, OK, Dad! You don't have to go postal on me! (Sam and Chris begin to fight again.) Sam: (To Chris.) You started this! Chris: (To Sam.) No, you did! Tom: (To the both of them.) That goes double for the two of you, too! (They stop.) (Linda enters.) Linda: Hi, Tom! (She kisses him.) How was your day? Tom: We've been invited to the Morgendorffer's house for dinner tomorrow! Linda: (Going berserk.) WE ARE NOT GOING OVER THERE, TOM! Tom: But Jake invited us! Linda: Tom, you know what happened when Sandi was running for Student Government President! That Daria girl kicked the crap out of her! She humiliated her! Sandi had to do community service for her part in trying to stop David MacAllister from winning! Tom: That was all in the past, Linda. Linda: They still think she had something to do about Derek Jones blowing David up. (4) Tom: We've got to learn to put the past behind us, Linda! Linda: Give me one good reason why I should go to this dinner! Tom: Maybe it could help heal some wounds from the Student Government election! At least give it a chance, Linda! Linda: (Sighs.) OK, OK, but I have a feeling I'm going to regret this! (Sam and Chris fight again.) Tom: Will you two knock it off again! (An organ interlude plays as Janet Wygal sings "Excuse me! Excuse me!" as the scene where Daria is getting her notebooks out of the closet is shown in slow-motion in a blue tint, with the "Daria" logo superimposed over it.) ================================================================ COMMERCIAL BREAK # 1 ================================================================ Announcer: On the next "Celebrity Deathmatch", it's "Geeky 70's Retro Time"! Our feature match will pit Superfly against Gabriel Kotter! (Show a scene where Superfly is trying to rip off Kotter's head). Also, see Supertrain vs. the Big Bus and the singing Burger King counter clerk from the famous "Have it Your Way" commercial vs. the fast-talking Federal Express business executive! (Show appropriate scenes of Supertrain and the Big Bus colliding and the Burger King girls beating up on the FedEx guy). It's all on the next "Celebrity Deathmatch"! Thursday night at 10 Eastern, 9 Central on MTV! (Another commercial) Announcer: At Mother Nature's Health Food Store, get the healthy supplements you want, before the FDA and every major sports league bans them! On sale now, creatine! Now all you Little Leaguers can hit 70 home runs in a season just like Mark McGwire! A bottle of 500 pills is now on sale for just $45! Get it now before Little League bans it! Go to your local Mother Nature's Health Food Store now! Check your local Yellow Pages for the store near you! ================================================================ ACT II, HURRICANES 1 (They should have stayed in Hartford!) ================================================================ Scene 1: Morgendorffer residence, 8:30 AM Saturday . The kitchen. ================================================================ (Jake is seen struggling to use the mixer. He's dressed casually in a polo shirt and slacks, with a red apron that says "KISS THE COOK" in white lettering over that; he's also wearing a white chef's hat.) Jake: C'mon, you stupid piece of crap! Mix already! (He hits the side of the mixer, and it goes haywire, splattering whatever's in the bowl all over the place. Daria now enters, she's wearing her usual bedclothes of blue T-shirt and yellow shorts.) Daria: Dad, is everything all right? Jake: (Trying to cover up his ineptness.) Uh, yeah, kiddo! Nothing the old Jakester can't handle. Daria: Dad, you're messing up cooking dinner again, aren't you? The evidence is all over the kitchen. (Jake breaks down and cries.) Jake: (Sobbing.) Let's face it, Daria! I do stink at this! Daria: (Going up to Jake.) Tell you what, Dad. I do know some rudimentary cooking skills. What are you planning to cook anyway? Jake: Well, I was planning to cook some rolls, make a Caesar's salad, some chicken cordon bleu, asparagus, beans and for dessert, chocolate cake. Daria: I'd watch it with the asparagus; it makes your pee smell funny. Jake: Yeah, you're right, kiddo. Maybe I'll serve carrots instead. Daria: I once saw on "Sick, Sad World" about a man who ate so much carrots his skin turned orange. (5) Jake: Dammit, Daria! What can I serve then? Daria: Try peas. They're pretty safe. Jake: Yeah, you're right! Daria: Am I brilliant or what? Jake: You said it, kiddo! (Helen now enters; she's wearing a yellow housecoat kind of like the one she wore in "The Road Worrier".) Helen: Daria, I've read your notes on the Griffins, and I found them very informative. Daria: Find anything you can use? Helen: Believe me, Daria, I've got enough ammo to equip Charlie Company. (Quinn enters. She's wearing that yellow nightshirt with the bunny rabbit on it.) Quinn: (Snidely.) Good morning, my jailers! Helen: (Not going to let that go by unchallenged.) Quinn, you will be on your best behavior today! And you WILL tell Sandi's family that Daria's your sister! Quinn: (Now going hysterical.) But, if I do that, I'll be kicked out of the Fashion Club! Helen: You should have thought of that before you began to say things like that! Daria: Maybe they'll be lenient on you and just demote you to doorkeeper at their meetings! Quinn: Daria, you really know how to say things that hurt my feelings! (She dashes out of the kitchen, crying.) Daria: At times, she makes Usagi from "Sailor Moon" look good. Helen: Daria, you should be sympathetic about your sister at times. Daria: (Going out of the kitchen herself.) Let me know when the Buccaneers make it to the Super Bowl! I'm going to get dressed. I'll be right back down. (She dashes upstairs.) (Helen looks exasperated at Jake.) Jake: Why are you looking at me for? What did I do? ================================================================ Scene 2: The Lane residence, 111 Howard Drive, Lawndale, 12:00 PM Saturday. Background music: the drum break from "The Stroke" by Billy Squire (OK, OK, it's a bit old, but it seemed appropriate.) ================================================================ (Jane, Trent, Amanda, Darren [6] and Wind are in the living room. Wind is about Trent's height, with green eyes, brown hair, sideburns, and beard. he wears a tie-dyed shirt and blue knee-length shorts. Next to him is his new wife, Lizzie, who's a tall, busty blonde with blue eyes and wearing a black drop-dead mini-dress.) Amanda: Wind, it's so good to have you back home, even if it's for a visit. Wind: (Sounds a bit like a young Wolfman Jack.) Yeah, well I've been looking forward to being here since I got hitched again. Darren: And, you, Lizzie, you'd better be a good wife to my Wind here! Lizzie: (Sounds a bit like C-ko did from "Plot of the Daitokuji Financial Group" onward.) Well, I'll take very good care of Windie here! (She goes and hugs him) Trent: I think it's time to give these two lovebirds their wedding gift, Janey! Jane: Right! (She goes downstairs to the basement.) Wind: I just hope no one is disappointed that I married a Las Vegas showgirl! Darren: It could have been worse. You could have married someone who wanted you for your money! (Laughs to show it was a joke, then everyone else joins in.) Amanda: Just remember, Lizzie, Mary Hart used to be a showgirl herself. Trent: I wonder if that explains the $1 million insurance policy she took out on her legs. Darren: Maybe she was afraid that organized crime loansharks were going to break them! (Laughter all around again.) (Jane comes up with the vase.) Jane: Here you go, Wind, Lizzie! (She gives it to them. They look at it for a minute.) Wind: Mom, Jane, this is beautiful! Thanks, guys! Jane: I did the painting on that myself. Amanda: Anyway, Jane, you said your friend Daria wanted Wind over to see her folks. Jane: Hey, it's an opportunity for her to see other members of the Lane clan other than us. Besides, when is the rest of our family ever in town? (Everyone laughs over that remark) Trent: I'll drive you over there myself. Lizzie: Can I come, too? Jane: Sure. We can always use another person to scare all the stiffs Daria hangs around with. (More laughs.) ================================================================ Scene 3: Morgendorffer residence, the living room. About 3:00 PM Saturday. Background music: the opening guitar blitz from "Got the Life" by Korn. ================================================================ (Quinn is watching "House of Style". Helen is trying to do her paperwork.) Quinn: When were we expecting Sandi's family anyway? Helen: (Hates being distracted, but has to answer.) About 6:00 PM. Why? Quinn: Could I get my affairs in order before Sandi kills me? Helen: Quinn, your friend is just going to have to accept the fact that Daria's your sister. Is that so bad? Quinn: But, Mom, Daria is such a geek! Helen: Even so, she's still your sister! Remember, you can't choose your relatives! (The scene shifts to the kitchen, where Daria is helping Jake cook dinner. Daria is wearing that black shirt and jeans combo from "The Road Worrier" again.) Daria: But you can choose which ones to leave out of your will. (7) Helen: (Off-camera.) I heard that, Daria! (Jake looks at the chicken cordon bleu cooking.) Jake: Daria, I don't know how much I can thank you for helping me with dinner! Daria: No big deal, Dad. I don't want you to look like a dope in front of Sandi's family and Mom. Jake: (Not realizing that Daria meant that sarcastically.) I knew I could count on you, kiddo! (Daria just rolls her eyes.) (The doorbell rings. Helen gets up.) Helen: That can't be them already! I told them to be here at 4:30 at the earliest! (She goes to the door. She sees Jane, Trent, Wind and Lizzie standing there.) Jane: Oh, hi, Helen. Trent: Hi, Mrs. Morgendorffer. Helen: Jane, what's Trent doing with you? And who are the others with you as well? Jane: The guy with the brown beard is my brother Wind. The blonde with him is his new wife Lizzie. Wind and Lizzie: Nice to meet you-- Helen: Helen's the name. (She rolls her eyes. She didn't expect this, but is now obliged to let them in) Come right in. (They go to the living room) Wind, Lizzie, this is my youngest daughter Quinn. (They now go into the kitchen) And here's my oldest daughter Daria and my husband Jake. (Daria turns around and sees them.) Wind: Daria! I've heard so much about you! (He extends his hand.) Daria: (Shaking it.) You must be Wind. Wind: Guilty as charged--not that I've ever committed any crimes! Daria: Who's the blonde? Lizzie: I'm Lizzie, Wind's new wife. (Giggles.) Daria: (In a deadpan manner.) Nice to meet you. Helen: Anyway, make yourselves comfortable. I'll get you some drinks. (Turns to Trent.) I guess you and Wind can have some wine with us. Trent: Got any beer? Helen: (Stunned that they'd want that with a fancy dinner.) Fine, fine, I'll get that then! (She goes to the refrigerator.) Lizzie: I'll have one too! (Giggles.) (The Lanes and Daria go back to the living room.) Trent: Hello, Daria's sister. Quinn: (Shrieking.) I HAVE A NAME, YOU KNOW! Trent: I'm just trying to be friendly. Quinn: You stay away from me, you weirdo! Jane: Hey, don't say that about my brother! Quinn: Your entire family's weird! Daria: Don't mind her, Wind. Wind: I'm used to it. I've been called worse! (He gets a good laugh as he sits next to Daria, then slaps her on her right knee.) Daria: Watch it there, or I'll have to use the Vulcan Grip! Trent: He's just being friendly, Daria. Daria: I shudder to think what he'd do if he wasn't. . . (The doorbell rings again.) Helen: (From the kitchen) Quinn, answer the door. (Quinn gets up and does so. When the door opens, it's to reveal the Griffins.) Sandi: Like, hello, Quinn! Quinn: Oh, hi, Sandi, Chris, Sam, Mr. and Mrs. Griffin. Tom: Hope we aren't too early. Quinn: (With that look like she wishes they weren't here.) Oh, no! You're just in time! (They enter.) Linda: Where is your mother? Jane: Helen is in the back. Linda: (Going up to her.) I don't think I know you, young lady. Jane: Jane Lane's the name, and artiste extraordinare is my game. Those guys are my brothers Trent and Wind, and the blonde is Wind's new wife Lizzie. Quinn: (Trying to give them the bum's rush.) Why don't we all sit down in the kitchen! (She hustles them over. She then goes to Daria.) Quinn: Daria, you and your friends make yourself scarce! Daria: And what if we don't want to? Quinn: If you spill the beans about us being sisters, I'm finished! Daria: I can't kick them out of here, Quinn. After all, Dad invited them. Quinn: Daria, my future with the Fashion Club is at stake here! Daria: Ah, yes, evil gets desperate when it knows that it's about to be defeated. Quinn: Daria, I'm being serious! Jake: (From the kitchen.) Daria, I could use your help here again! Daria: (Sardonically.) Saved by Dad. (She gets up and leaves.) Quinn: (Realizing that she's done for) I'm doomed! Wind: I like to play "Quake" myself. Quinn: (Shrieking) WHO ASKED YOU! ================================================================ Scene 4: The Morgendorffers' dining room, (8) about 6 PM Saturday. Background music: the opening acoustic guitar riffs from "Get Started (Start a Fire)" by Graham Parker. ================================================================ (Everyone is gathered at the table. Jake is serving dinner.) Helen: Well, here we are. I hope this is to everyone's liking. Jake: (Trying to cut the chicken.) C'mon, cut already! Daria: Let me handle this, Dad. (She grabs the knife and fork and proceeds to cut it effortlessly. She then sets up everyone's plates and passes them around.) Tom: So, Jake, I think this should be the beginning of a new friendship between our two families. Jake: I only hope so, Tom. Sandi: So, Quinn, why didn't I see you at the mall today? Quinn: Well, I had to do some homework. . . Helen: Quinn was grounded because she told some lies to everyone at school. Linda: What lies? Helen: Mainly that Daria was her cousin when in reality she's her sister. Sandi: (Suddenly going ballistic.) WHAT! IS THAT TRUE! Daria: I thought I beat that into your thick skull when I confronted you about you're trying to scare David MacAllister from running for Student Government President. (9) (Quinn is now like a trapped rat on a sinking ship.) Jane: Any last words before the firing squad shoots you? (That jeering, teasing version of "La, la, la, la la" with appropriate jeering, teasing music is played as we see the scene were Helen opens the door and sees Jane, Trent, Wind and Lizzie plays in slo-motion in a blue tint with the "Daria" logo superimposed over it.) ================================================================ COMMERCIAL BREAK # 2 ================================================================ Announcer: On the next "Dr. Katz: Professional Therapist", Dr. Katz psychoanalyzes President Clinton. (Clinton is seen on a couch as Dr. Katz takes notes.) Clinton: Everyone says Ah've got an addiction to sex. Katz: Well, it can be cured, Mr. President. Clinton: Ah couldn't help it if Monica did some--uh--"services" for me. Katz: Well, most people don't get that type of "service", though. Clinton: Is there any hope for me, Dr. Katz? (A Secret Service agent suddenly enters.) Agent: Mr. President, Candy from Times Square wants you to keep that two o'clock appointment. Clinton: (Looking at watch.) WHOOPS! Got to go! (He leaves with the agent. Dr. Katz can only roll his eyes in despair.) Announcer: Don't miss every hilarious moment on the next all-new episode of "Dr. Katz: Professional Therapist". Monday night at 10 Eastern/9 Central only on Comedy Central. Call your local cable company today and order Comedy Central. (Another commercial.) Announcer: Race fans! (Echoes.) Don't miss the Mega-Monster Truck Rally! All the big trucks will be there like Dominator, Terminator, Bigfoot, Sasquatch, Destroyer, Stomper, and Megamuncher! Plus, kids, see Optimus Prime and Megatron duke it out! Plus motocross action! Admission is $10 adults, $5 kids. Get your tickets now! BE THERE! (Echoes.) ================================================================ ACT III, MIGHTY DUCKS 2 (More like "Mighty Dorks" to me; beware of sports teams owned by the Evil Mouse that tries to water down anime like Hayao Miyazaki's works and "Sailor Moon"!) ================================================================ Scene 1: The dining room, 6:10 PM Saturday. ================================================================ (Quinn still has that doomed look on her face.) Linda: So, Quinn, is it true you've been lying to us about the exact relationship between you and Daria? Quinn: Well--well--well--I just remembered! I have to read some books to some old blind people! (She gets up to go, but Daria collars her.) Daria: Not so fast there, Richard Nixon! Quinn: (Squirming.) Let me go, Daria! Helen: Yes, it's true. Quinn's been lying. Sandi: (Yelling at the top of her lungs) QUINN MORGENDORFFER, HOW COULD YOU! Quinn: I'm sorry, Sandi, but if I told you that Daria was my sister, you would never have taken me in as a member of the Fashion Club. Wind: And everyone thinks my family's dysfunctional. Sandi: Tomorrow, I'm going to convene an emergency meeting of the Fashion Club, Quinn! At that meeting, I'm going to move that you be expelled for lying to us about having a geeky sister! Quinn: (Shrieking.) NOOOOOOOOOOOO! (She bolts from Daria's grasp and runs out of the house.) Helen: I'm going to talk to her. Jake: C'mon, honey, let's just eat! We can handle this later! (Everyone calmly resumes eating.) Lizzie: (To Daria.) You have such a nice family, Daria! (Giggles.) Daria: (To herself.) You don't even know the half of it, sister! ================================================================ Scene 2: Out on the streets of Lawndale. Background music: the opening guitar riffs from "Don't Speak" by No Doubt. ================================================================ (Quinn is seen crying. She just wants to be out of here. Suddenly, she bumps into someone. It's none other than Ted DeWitt-Clinton, the boy from "The New Kid".) Ted: Hey, aren't you Quinn Morgendorffer, Daria's sister? Quinn: Just leave me alone! (She tries to walk away.) Ted: Hey, now wait a minute! What's wrong? Quinn: I don't want to talk about it! Ted: Try me. Quinn: (Hoping that maybe then he could leave her alone.) OK, OK, I'll tell you. You see, ever since we moved here, I've been telling everyone at school that Daria's my cousin and not my sister. Then I got into the Fashion Club as Vice-President. Somehow lie upon lie was heaped up, then Daria blabbermouthed to Dad about what I was doing. Now Mom's told Sandi's folks the truth. I'm ruined! Ted: Maybe if you had told the truth in the first place, this would never have happened. Quinn: It's too late for that now! I'm finished! Ted: Maybe not! Come over to my place! I think I can whip up a plan. Quinn: Besides, why are you out here? Ted: Just returning from the library. Quinn: I guess that figures. Ted: Come on, let's go to my place. (Quinn rolls her eyes and goes with him.) ================================================================ Scene 3: The Morgendorffer's living room, 7:00 PM Saturday. ================================================================ (Dinner is finished. Everyone is eating dessert.) Linda: So, how's things at the law firm, Helen? Helen: I just won that big case against Hardware Mart recently. Linda: Oh, that one. That was such a stupid case. Helen: But not as stupid as when you padded your bra when you were in the beauty contest for homecoming queen during your senior year at high school! Linda: (Angry that she'd just happen to know that.) And how did you find that one out! Helen: I've got my sources. (She gives a knowing wink to Daria, who smiles.) Linda: That's none of your business! Helen: Oh, if that's the case, then how come you blabbermouthed to everyone at school about your friend Connie Stuart's pregnancy? Linda: How'd you find that out? Daria: If this is going to get ugly, my friends and I are going to go out for a while. Helen: Go right ahead, dear. (She winks at her again. She, Jane, Trent, Wind and Lizzie leave through the front door.) Daria: Am I ever glad to be out of there! Wind: Is everyone you know this uptight, Daria? Daria: I'm afraid so. Jane: So, what do we do? Daria: First, we find Quinn and bring her back so she can face her own medicine. Jane: And this time, not even George Clooney can save her. (Smirks evilly). Daria: Did you see Sandi go ballistic there? Jane: Remember when I said she was so stuck up that we'd have to use Draino on her? (10) Daria: Yes. Jane: It's far worse than that now; we'll have to call the Roto-Rooter man! (Trent, Wind and Lizzie snicker.) Daria: (To Lizzie.) Do you always laugh like that? Lizzie: It's a habit. (Daria rolls her eyes.) ================================================================ Scene 4: Out on the street. Background music: the opening acoustic guitar riffs from "Soundtrack to Mary" by Soul Coughing. ================================================================ (Daria and the Lanes are in Trent's car. Suddenly, the spot Quinn and Ted.) Daria: Well, well, well, look who it is who found Quinn! (The car stops. Daria gets out.) Quinn: (In shock.) Oh, hi, Daria. Ted: (Equally shocked.) Hi. Daria: Will you two get inside, please? Jane: We plan to make you wear concrete overshoes and dump you into the East River. (They cringe, but Daria hustles them in. The car drives off.) ================================================================ Scene 5: The Morgendorffer's living room. Background music: the opening horns from "Rumble in Brighton" by the Brian Setzer Orchestra. ================================================================ (The argument's heating up as Helen and Linda both look exasperated.) Helen: Then, there's the fact that Sandi wears false eyelashes. Sandi: I do not! (She points angrily at Helen, which shakes her false eyelashes off to the floor. She gasps.) Linda: Helen Morgendorffer, now you're taking this too far! (She gets up and broadsides Helen. A catfight ensues.) Tom: (Angrily to Jake.) Now look what you've done! Jake: What did I do? Tom: You know what? Your bitch of a wife's just ruined any prospects for peace between our families! (He coldcocks him.) Jake: Tom, you always hated my guts! (He broadsides him back.) (A general melee now ensues, with Sam and Chris fighting themselves. Sandi joins in by tugging on Helen's hair. Daria, Quinn, Ted, Jane, Trent, Wind and Lizzie enter. Daria enters the melee buy grabbing Sandi and kicking her real good with her Doc Martens boots. Jane goes to Sam and Chris, clonking their heads together. They drop. Quinn and Ted can only look on in shock. Trent, Wind and Lizzie look on in amusement. Daria now separates Jake and Tom, and kicks Tom in the testicles, sending him howling.) Daria: Before I send everyone to the penalty box, maybe you'd like to hear what Quinn has to say. Sandi: Nothing you can say is going to save you from being kicked out, Quinn! Ted: Hear her out. Jake: (Recognizing Ted.) Ted, is that you? Ted: Yes, it is, Mr. Morgendorffer. Quinn: (Nervously.) Well, what I want to say is that my thing about my saying that Daria was my cousin was nothing but a big running practical joke. I'm a real kidder at heart. (Turns to Daria.) Daria really is my sister. Maybe she isn't exactly the kind of sister I want, but someone once said that you can't choose your relatives. Jake: (Reminiscent of the running joke in "The Big House".) I know! I know! It was Jefferson! Helen: Jake, will you shut up! Jake: (Meekly.) Yes, dear! Tom: But you can choose which ones you can leave out of your will! Linda: (Shrieking at the top of her lungs.) SHUT UP, TOM! Tom: (Meekly.) Yes, dear. Quinn: But, anyway, I just want to apologize for any pain, suffering and inconvenience that I may have caused to you and the other members of the Fashion Club for my little ruse. And I mean it from the bottom of my heart. Sandi: Well, I'll think about it. I want you present at my house tomorrow at 1 o'clock and we will discuss your case. Quinn: (At the verge of tears) Thanks, Sandi, you're all heart. (She breaks down, and cries. Daria goes up to her, and, rather unusually, consoles her.) Daria: Thanks for finally admitting the truth, Sis. Jane: (To Trent, Wind and Lizzie.) You have just witnessed the complete humiliation of an airhead. Trent: Cool. Wind: Bonzo. Lizzie: Gee! (Giggles.) Linda: (To Tom) Come on, Tom, we're leaving. (She and the rest of the family get up to go) Helen, you are going to hear from my lawyer! Helen: He or she won't stand a chance against me! Linda: We'll see about that! (She and the other family members leave, slamming the door after them.) Jake: (Noticing that some of the furniture's been wrecked.) Dammit! And we just had the Sugarbakers redecorate here! (11) Daria: (To Ted.) Ted, it's been some time since I saw you. Ted: Well, I couldn't turn down helping your sister. (Sees Trent.) Is this that Trent guy you were telling me about? Daria: Yep. And I'm already spoken for with him. He's my guy now. So, if you want to show your appreciation for helping Quinn, get out of here now. Ted: You don't have to tell me twice. (He leaves hastily.) Jane: Well, we'd better leave ourselves. Daria: Sure. (Turns to Wind and Lizzie.) Nice meeting you two. Wind: Maybe we'll meet again. Daria: You, yes. (Pointing to Lizzie.) Her, I don't know. Wind: You never know. (To Lizzie.) Let's get going. Lizzie: Sure! (Giggles.) Trent: See you later, Daria. (He kisses her on the cheek. Daria blushes.) Jane: See you at class Monday, Daria. (The Lanes leave.) Helen: Daria, I just want to say thanks. Daria: For what? Helen: For all that info about Linda you found out. By the way, how did you find all this out anyway? Daria: By snooping in on the Fashion Club's meetings when they were held in Quinn's room. Quinn: (In shock.) How could you! Helen: Well, I finally paid back Linda for all the times she cut me down to size! Jake: Yeah, and I get the most bumps and bruises! Helen: Jake, don't spoil the moment! (Daria breaks out in a smile.) ================================================================ Scene 6: The hallway at Lawndale High School, about 10:00 AM Monday. Background music: the opening guitar riffs from "Sunday Papers" by Joe Jackson (yet another oldie I thought was appropriate). ================================================================ (Daria and Jane are going down the hallway.) Jane: So, what happened at the Fashion Club's meeting? Daria: Quinn told me that the rest of the Fashion club decided it could live with the fact that I'm her sister. However, for lying to them about it, they suspended her membership for one month and she has to buy them all the clothing, jewelry and cosmetics they want at the first trip to the mall after her suspension is up. Jane: I would have chosen lethal injection. (Quinn goes down the hall.) Quinn: Hi, Daria, Jane. Daria: So, how are things on your first day back since the ugly truth about our real relationship with each other has been revealed? Quinn: OK, I guess. Stacy said that at the next meeting, she wants to put forth a resolution about helping you improve your looks. If the truth's out now, at least you should be as good-looking as me. Daria: Tell them I'll take a raincheck on that. Quinn: Suit yourself. (The other members of the Fashion Club head down the hall.) Sandi: There's Quinn's sister, Daria. Tiffany: Quinn should have her head examined. How she managed to cover up her real relationship with Daria for so long is puzzling. Stacy: If I had an unattractive sister like that, I'd die from embarrassment! Sandi: Let's go, ladies! (They leave.) Quinn: I've got to run now. (She goes.) Jane: Oh, by the way, did I tell you that Wind called yesterday? Daria: He did? Jane: He said that Lizzie dumped him for a Hell's Angel. They left for Haiti to file for a divorce. Daria: Well, I'm glad to see some thing don't change. (To highlight that remark, Kevin Thompson is seen being castigated by Anthony DeMartino, with Brittany Taylor standing next to Kevin.) Mr. DeMartino: (With his right eye bulging out.) Kevin, how could YOU have GOTTEN such a dismal MARK on this TEST! You're in DANGER of being KICKED off the TEAM! Kevin: Sorry, Mr. DeMartino, but I really thought Peter Falk discovered America! Brittany: It said so in a "Mother Goose and Grimm" comic strip we read once! (Mr. DeMartino grabs the sides of his hair and screams.) Jane: Amen to that, Daria! (She slaps Daria on the back.) ("Pure Morning" from Placebo plays as the closing credits roll. Alter egos include Brittany as Leeza Gibbons; Mack as Reggie White; Kevin as the Thing from the Fantastic Four; Daria as Dana Scully; Jane as Gabrielle Reece; Sandi as Ally McBeal; Ms. Barch as Wonder Woman; Mr. O'Neill as Superman; and Ms. Li as Marge Simpson. The "Daria" logo is shown as the credits fade to black. Cut to a scene were sweaty hands are seen over a piece of gray metal. The left hand holds a gray die while the right hand holds a sledgehammer with a black head and a yellow handle. An ominous timpani drumroll is heard as the hammer hits into the die twice, with a loud "CLANG!" each time. At the second time, however, the hammer hits into the left thumb, causing the person to drop both the hammer and dye. The person turns around, and we see its the author of the story, a man with curly brown hair, blue eyes and glasses. He now screams "OUCH! I HIT MYSELF WITH THE !@#$%^& HAMMER!", then walks off. We now see that a red computer zero [a zero with a slash through it] has been chiseled into the metal, while white Roman lettering above it says "MARK", while white Roman lettering below it says "FAN FICTION", and white Roman lettering below that says and below it say "UNLIMITED". Fade to black.) ================================================================ ENDNOTES ================================================================ (1) The Rathskeller is the bar that Jake sometimes hangs out at; check out the Morgendorffers' budget sheets for details in "The Daria Database". --Recap Peter. (2) I made that middle name up, kind of like C. E. Forman made up Marie as Daria's middle name in his fanfic "To Helen Back". My thanks and apologies to C. E. for this inspiration! --Peter ("I really like C. E.") Guerin. (3) For those of you who came in late, read "Triumph of the 'Retart'" and fill in on what happened--Main Man Peter. (4) That happened in "Triumph".--TNT Peter. (5) That can happen, you know. I once read a story of such an occurrence. I think it was called "The Orange Man". Anyone remember it, e-mail me! Also, Naomi Hartono, who maintains the Daria Fan Fiction Web Site, said that it happened to her when she was a baby.--Peter Guerin (who is not a doctor, and does not even play one on TV). (6) I revealed that Darren was the name of Jane and Trent's father in "Triumph".--Recap Peter. (7) That line was from "One Man's Trash. . ."--Peter Sanford. (8) This is the dining room that was seen in the episode "The Lost Girls". --Yan Can't Cook Peter. (9) That happened in "Triumph".--Pugilistic Peter. (10) Jane said that in "Triumph".--Encyclopedic Peter. (11) That happened in "The Prepaid Phone Card Call of Tommy Sherman". --Ghostbuster Peter. ================================================================ THE END ================================================================ THIS HAS BEEN AN EXCLUSIVE CREATION OF MARK ZERO FAN FICTION, UNLIMITED! ================================================================ "Home of the World's Weirdest Fan Fiction" ================================================================ Home page: http://direct.at/markzero.com or http://www.geocities.com/televisioncity/network/4938 ================================================================ E-mail: markzero@zdnetmail.com ================================================================ Subscription list: http://MarkZeroUpdate.ListBot.com ================================================================ CLANG! CLANG! OUCH! I HIT MYSELF WITH THE !@#$%^& HAMMER! ================================================================