While I ain't sure what The Rocky Horror Picture
Show is the registered trademark of,I know Daria
(along with Beavis & Butt Head) is the trademark of

Fender & The Stratocaster is a trademark of Fender

The Cres-Cor Crown-X is a trademark of Cres-Cor

Ampeg is a trademark of Ampeg guitar amplifiers.

Anything else mentioned is a trademark of their know. All rights reserved.

So here it is.........a cross over parody for
the Daria universe.

CHAPTER 1: A marriage made in Hell.

(We see the big mouth of Jane Lane moving, but
the voice is that of her brother
Trent singing......)

Parody of Science Fiction Double Feature
Performed by Trent Lane

Angela Li was ill the day Lawndale stood
still, yet she told us....where we stand
and Stacy Rowe was there buyin' new
Upchuck was The Invisible Ham.

Then good luck came when
we all played at the Zen;
it was a cool major big grungefest jam
Jesse picked up the pace;
Max was in, outer space,
and here is how Nick's message ran:

(Here Jane's mouth turns to black and
white while the credits change)

Science fiction, Lawndale feature
Janet Barch, will build a creature
See Daria and Tom, escape from
Trent and Jane Lane come, from
their home planet.
Whoa, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh......
At the late night, Lawndale feature,
picture show.


Starring Daria Morgendorffer
(Our Heroine)
Tom Sloane (Her boyfriend)
Jane Lane (A maid)
Trent Lane (Jane's brother)
Quinn Morgendorffer
(Daria's sister)

(Back to color Jane's mouth turns to
while Trent's singing resumes)

I know sweet Brittany Taylor, was no
bimbo failure, when her beau Kevin
took, to the hills
And it was a big pain, when my pop
Vincent Lane lost his silver nitrate fluid
that kills.

Sandi Griffin, it proves, gave Quinn the
ruse, in usin' her Fashion Club skills.
"But when brains collide," said Tom
Sloane to his bride, "I wanna give you
some cynical chills, like a--"

(Again Jane's mouth is black and white
for the last set of credits)

Science fiction, Lawndale feature
Janet Barch, will build a creature
See Daria and Tom, escape from
Trent and Jane Lane come, from
their home planet.
Whoa, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.......
At the late night, Lawndale feature,
picture show. I wanna go
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.......
To the late night, Lawndale feature,
picture show. Please don't say no.
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.......
At the late night, Lawndale feature,
picture show. In the back row.
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.........
At the late night........Lawndale

Claire Defoe (The art teacher &
Janet Barch (A hypocritical male
hating teacher turned scientist)
Tim O'Neill (A creature teacher)
Kevin Thomson (A football star)
Brittany Taylor (Kevin's groupie)

(We see, at a Roman Catholic church, a wedding
finishing up,and at one point, we see in the
crowd, Jane and Trent, muttering their statements.
Right now, all the groups make ready for a
standard photo.)

Andrea: Here they come!!

(Out from the church come Mack and Jodie----the
bride and groom,as if you didn't know. They meet
up with the group for the photo.)

Vincent Lane: Let's get a shot, you all..........
say POO POO!!

All: POO POO!!

Vincent: Congrats!! Now I can bring home the bacon
for my Mandy!!

(We see Mack talking with Tom Sloane)

Mack: Well, I guess Jodie got her way. At least
now, I don't have to hear that Kevin call me
Mack Daddy.

Tom: I feel for you. Guess Quinn's advice on
popping the question to Jodie reaped dividends
for you.

Mack: Maybe they'll work for you and Daria.

Tom (stammering): W-welll, I don't know.......
I am a meat an' potatoes dude, an' Daria's into

Jodie: Here comes the bouquet!!

(The Lawndale cheerleaders cheer and jump wildly;
Jodie makes the toss; and it falls in Daria's

Daria (deadpan): Whoopee. I got the bouquet.

Mack: Hey, man, looks like you're the next

Tom: That action's nowhere. It's one thing for
me an' Daria to date;it's another when it comes
to marriage.

Mack: Time to bust a move to Niagra. Peace out,
all of you!! Let's go, Jodie!!

(Jodie and Mack's car drives off, everyone but
Daria and Tom chasing it; our protagonists walk
through the graveyard past a sign reading,
"Lawndale, The Home Of MTV Animation.")

Daria: S-O---------our school prez was once,
plain 'ol Jodie Landon, now she's Ms. Jodie

Tom: You got to admit, Mack can be a lucky dude.

Daria: At least he don't have to worry ' bout
Jodie callin' him Mack Daddy.

Tom: You sure it ain't Daddy Mack? Oh.......
speaking of lucky.......

Parody of Dammit Janet
Performed by Tom Sloane &
Daria Morgendorffer

Hey Daria.....

What Tom?

I got somethin' to say.


I love the way you just stand like a zombie
for that bouquet.

Daria (blushing):
Oh Tom.

The Daria show rules, but it's all over (Daria)
Canceled an' gone forever (Daria)
So please, don't say that you love Trent (Daria)
I've just got one thing to say an' it's Dammit,
Daria, I love you.

(Daria smirks while Tom turns his back to her)

Tom (continued):
Jane Lane loved me but you stopped it. (Daria)
The fires of my love is small so you fan it. (Daria)
If there's one Daria pairing, that is it. (Daria)
I've just got one thing to say, an' it's Dammit,
Daria, I love you.
Here's a ring that proves I ain't no slacker
There's four ways that love can go
Beavis, Butt Head, Aeon Flux an'you
Oh, D-A-R-I-A, I LOVE you so!!

(After Tom places the engagement ring on her
finger, Daria runs in the church with Tom in tow)

Oh it's so nicer than my pierced navel. (Oh Tom)
Now we're engaged an' we'll raise hell (Oh Tom)
An' you're better than that slacker Trent Lane (Oh Tom)
I've one thing to say, to that effect, Tom,
I love you, too, oh......

(Daria and Tom walk down the aisle)

Oh dammit!!

Oh Tom.

Oh Daria.

For you.

I love you too.

Daria & Tom:
Just one thing left to

So let's see your cousin--I mean your sister.(Daria)
The redhead that acts like a twister. (Daria)
She's so popular, yet loves to panic. (Daria)
I just got one thing to say, an' it's Dammit,
Daria, I love you.
Dammit, Daria.

Oh,Tom, your mom.......

Dammit, Daria.

Daria & Tom:
I love you.....

(The two kiss; yes, even Daria, as cynical as
she is, can have feelings too.......)

CHAPTER 2: Party hearty blues
(The scene changes to the art room of Lawndale
High, where, among the paintings and a world
globe, is the art teacher, Claire Defoe, who
speaks to the audience/reader)

Defoe: Wassup? Yowsa, sweetie. I would like,
uh, if I may, to take you on astrange journey
that is more surrealistic than the paintings of
H.R.Giger. It seemed to be a run of the mill
night when Daria Morgendorffer and fiance,
Tom Sloane, went on that late November night,
to head back to their hometown of Lawndale,
to meet up with Daria's sister, Quinn
Morgendorffer, the popular sweetie face,
and vice president of Lawndale High's Fashion

(Defoe inspects some of Jane's paintings,
and reads through an art book.)

Defoe (continued): It's true there were dark
storm clouds, heavy and black, than the ones in
Salvadore Dali, towards where they were heading.
It's true also, that Tom had five flat tires in his
car--and one of them was the spare, but, the fact
they were brains in love, and on a night out.....
well, they weren't allowing a storm foul up the
events of their evening, were they?

(Defoe stares in the camera eye for effect)

Defoe: On a night was a night out
they were going to remember.....for a long

(The rain starts to pour, when Tom's car reaches
a sign that reads, DEAD END--and that is when all
four tires go flat----POW!! POW!! POW!! POW!!)

Tom: Oh, great, four flat tires!! And what's worse,
we must've taken a wrong turn!!

Daria: Another triumph for the fickle finger of

Tom: Least you got your cell phone your lawyer mom
gave you.

Daria (stammering):!?
I knew there WAS something I forgot!!

Tom: Oh foo!! (hits the back of his head with his
hand) It couldn't get any worse; all we can do now,
is hope for the boogey man to end our miseries.

Daria: Maybe Dr.Who may show up and we can hitch a
ride on his Tardis.

Tom:What's that up ahead?

(To the left, is a huge citidel, the size of The New
York, New York hotel & casino in Vegas, resembling the
cylindrical glass towers of the Los Angeles Hotel
Bonaventure, but with four black fork shaped twin
smokestacks, belching orange smoke in the
black stormy sky, flanking the center glass tower.)

Daria: Offhand, I'd say it's one of those mirage
buildings you hear of on Sick Sad World.

Tom: Only one way to be sure. Wait here, they may
got a phone I can use.

Daria: Don't leave me alone, I wanna come with you.
Besides, it's how horror films start that way.

Tom: True, but it's how comedy films start out that

Daria:Tell that to Hollywood.

(The two, sheilding themselves with newspapers from
the rain, head to the citidel, approaching the high
wall and the open gate, a few signs on it reading,
ENTER @ YOUR OWN RISK!! Along the way, Daria and
Tom burst into song.)

Parody of Over At The Frankenstein Place
Performed by Daria Morgendorffer, Tom
Sloane & Trent Lane

In the ol' man winter
of an avarage night,
burnin' bright, there's a guidin' star.
Yet it ain't Gwen Stephani.

Daria & Tom:
There's a light......
over at the scary old place.
There's a light......
Brightly shinin' in N-space.
There's a light, light makin' like some ol'
UFO spacecraft gem.

(Inside the citidel, seeing the approaching
duo, dressed like Riff Raff, from a window,
is Trent.)


Could that gal be the one I dated before ago?
Nah, couldn't be, must've slept for so long,
oh no
Imagination, imagination......

Daria & Tom:
There's a light........over at the scary old
There's a light.........
Brightly shinin' in N-space.
There's a light, light, we follow to the
next storyline here, now.

(Back to Lawndale High; we see Defoe inspecting
Jane's artwork she did of the anoerexic girl for
the story Arts & Crass.)

Defoe: "She knows she's a winner, she couldn't
be thinner, now she goes to the bathroom and----"
(Startled, she turns to the camera) Oh!! I forgot
you were here....sorry.....(composes herself)
And so it seemed that the MTV execs had
smiled on Daria and Tom, and that they had
found the help they sought........(close up,
while Defoe raises an eyebrow)........or
HAD they.........?

(We see several cars parked near the wall.
At the base of the citidel, Daria and Tom
stand before a huge blast door)

Daria: Uh......Tom, maybe I should stay with
the pile of junk you call a car.

Tom: A bit late for that. I admit, whoever
lives here, must be eccentric.

Daria: Must be that Celine Dionne, married
name unknown who lives here. Everyone hates
her now, so she's got to have a safe place.

(The huge door opens, and Trent greets the two.)

Trent: Yo.

Tom:Listen, the name's Tom Slone, an' she's
Daria Morgendorffer, which is German for
"morning town." Can we use your phone? We've
got four flat tires on my car a few miles behind.
You got a phone we can use?

Trent: You're wet. (laugh/coughs)

Daria: Well, duh, it's raining........!!

Trent: Good one. (laugh/coughs) I think you
two best come inside.

Tom: Thanks, or somethin' like that.

(He and Daria enter, with Trent in tow.
The interior of the place starts out with what
looks like those antique stores, only with neon
signs, clocks, arcade machines, gas pumps, and
other pop culture stuff. Ahead,we see a stairway,
to the left, a set of double doors, marked with
The Doors logo, and in the center of the room,
a cylindrical tube elevator the size of a freight
elevator; other than that, its decor is similar
to the interior of the RHPS house, but with the
stuff mentioned above.)

Tom: What a place......!!

Daria: Must be early Pee Wee's Playhouse.

Trent: Follow me, please. (He leads Daria and
Tom to the double doors.)

Daria: We saw a lot of cars parked out there;
is there a party in the works?

Trent: You've arrived on a rather special night;
it's one of our mistress'affairs.

Daria: Whoop de do. Lucky her.

(Trent's sister Jane, wearing the Mangeta maid
uniform and black thigh highs,arrives with a
paintbrush and a palette, and leans on the
stairway bannister.)

Jane: You're lucky, he is lucky, I am lucky,
we're ALL LUCKY!! (laughs) Yo, you two wanna
pose for my next painting?

(Just then, Trent notices one of the neon
clocks, then grabs his electric guitar,which
is equipped with a wireless FM transmitter,
patched into his amplifier, and strums it.)

Parody of The Time Warp
Performed by Trent & Jane Lane,
Claire Defoe, Brittany Taylor & The

It's astoundin'
Fame is fleetin'
Critics take their toll
but listen closely----

Not for rather much longer.

Mystik the soul.

(Trent does his Riff Raff dance while
playing his guitar.)

I remember, doin' The Sprial Warp.
when we, jammed at The Zen
Our luck then was fallin'

Trent & Jane:
Till good fortune came callin'............

(The doors open, to a ballroom, where we see
dozens of our fave Lawndalians--Sandi, Tiffany
and Stacy, a.k.a. The Fashion Club, The 3 J's,
Jake and Helen, Vincent and Amanda Lane, the
Lawndale High faculty, The Lawndale High
cheerleaders, Dr. Philips from Ill, the Guptys
from Pinch Sitter, much of the Lane clan, and so
forth--dance. On the stage at the far end, we see
the rest of Mystik Sprial--Jesse, Nick and
Max--play, along with Monique on a synth system.)

The Lawndalians:
Let's do The Sprial Warp again.
Let's do The Sprial Warp again.

(The scene changes to Claire Defoe's art
room, where she points out a diagram of a

It's just a strum to the left.

(Back to the ballroom)

The Lawndalians:
An' then a strum to the right.

(Back to Lawndale High)

With your Ampeg amps plugged.

(Back to the ballroom)

The Lawndalians:
While playin' outa sight
an' with those decibels,
it's sure to drive you insane
Let's do The Sprial Warp again
Let's do The Sprial Warp again.

It's so dreamy, but MTV freed me.
Canceled by the bigwigs, I saw it all.
In a matter of moments, we were out of work.
Now forgotten? Not at all.

So MTV gave our pink slips

Right after our last quips

And we'd never get our show back again.

Let's protest to the nation.

For our reputation!!

The Lawndalians:
Let's do The Sprial Warp again.
Let's do The Sprial Warp again.

(At that moment, Brittany, dressed up like
Columbia, complete with a top hat, jumps off
the juke box she's been sittin' on, and does
her thing.)

Well I was walkin' down the street with
no shoes on my feet
Me an' Kevvy just-a kissin', so discreet
then along came Janet Barch and co.
They broke up our hijinks
then hired us, to be their servants
Me, a dancer, Kevvy a janitor.

The Lawndalians:
Let's do The Sprial Warp again.
Let's do The Sprial Warp again.

It's just a strum to the left.

The Lawndalians:
An' then a strum to the right.

With your Ampeg amps plugged.

The Lawndalians:
While playin' outa sight
an' with those decibels,
it's sure to drive you insane.
Let's do The Sprial Warp again.
Let's do The Sprial Warp again.

(Here, Brittany does the RHPS tap dance
sequence, right up to when she falls;
Daria does her Mona Lisa grin.)

The Lawndalians:
Let's do The Sprial Warp again.
Let's do The Sprial Warp again.

It's just a strum to the left.

The Lawndalians:
An' then a strum to the right.

With your Ampeg amps plugged.

The Lawndalians:
While playin' outa sight
an' with those decibels,
it's sure to drive you insane
Let's do The Sprial Warp again.
Let's do The Sprial Warp again.

(Monique plays a descending synth portamento
coda while the Lawndalians along with Trent,
Jane and Brittany fall to the floor.)

Daria: Uh, Tom, say something.

Tom: Diarrhea, cha, cha, cha, Diarrhea,
cha, cha, cha----oops, wrong show......

Daria: (sigh) Least what we saw ruled.
They oughta play at The Zen.

Nick: You hear that, man? A new

challenge for The Sprial.

Max: Oh boy!! We're criminales, ready to
take on the big time!!

Jesse: Cool.

Monique: Amen.

Trent: I'll buy that.

Tom: If I were a phone, where would I be?

Daria: Next to The Yellow Pages. Let's ask
that butler where it's at.

(No sooner do Daria and Tom make a move,
there is a big humming sound behind them;
the elevator is the source, meaning it's
descending and indeed it does. The doors open,
and out steps Janet Barch in a satin black cape,
walking disdianflully past the male Lawndalians,
till she stops before Daria and Tom.)

Parody of Sweet Transvestite (ugh!!)
Performed by Janet Barch

How'd you do, I
So you met my,
useless, loser man.

(Barch points to Trent)

He's just a lazy slacker
because, when you knocked,
he thought you were the,
guitar man.

(Barch struts along the ballroom floor)

Don't get turned on, by the way I look
I am tough just like Danny Glover
I ain't a kind teacher by the light of day,
but at night, I am one HELL of a lover!!

(Off comes the cape, revealing Barch in a black
satin Merry Widow bustier, with black thigh highs.)

I am just an ol' cruel teacher
from my home state of,

(Barch gives a rude raspberry in disgust to Tom,
then turns to Daria)

Barch(to Daria):
Your boyfriend's scummy
like my spouse, so crummy
but you, look like you're oh so groovy
If you want somethin' visual,
it ain't so abysmal,
we could take in an old k.d. Lang movie

(Aware of Barch's hatred of males, Tom nonetheless
steps up to her, with Daria at his side)

Tom: At least we found you at home........

(Tom points to Daria and gently nudges her to Barch)

........can she use your phone?
We're both in a bit of a hurry.


(Tom casually starts to back away)

She'll just stand by your side, while I wait outside;
we don't wanna be any worry.

Well you got stuck with a flat? 'bout that?
Well, stupids------don't you panic!!
By the light of the night, it'll all
seem just right; I'll get you a strong
female mechanic!!
I am just an ol' cruel teacher
from my home state of,

(Barch makes her way to a throne near the stage,
and settles down; Jane,Trent and Brittany place
themselves 'round the throne, Barch glowering at
Trent from time to time, to Jane's disdain----I
made it ryhme!!)

So why don't you, stay for the night?


And maybe, a bite?


I could show you, my latest, obsession.
I've been makin'a wimp, that don't act like
a gimp, and he is good for my male hatin'..........
I am just an ol'cruel teacher
from my home state of,
I am just an ol' cruel teacher.....

Trent, Jane & Brittany:
Ol' cruel teacher.........

(Barch walks back to the elevator)

..........from my home state of,

Trent, Jane & Brittany:
Pennsylvania.........uh huh.......

(Barch turns to Daria and Tom)

So---------come up to my lab----
An' see what's on my slab----

(Barch directs her next words to Daria)

Barch (continued):
I see you fightin' antici------------

Jane, Trent, Brittany & The Lawndalians:

Barch (continued):
But our acid rain,
just ain't really to blame,
so I'll remove your brains.......

(Barch snickers)

Barch (continued):
.......but not.....your talent!!!!

(Barch stabs a button on the elevator's control panel,
and the door slams with a hiss; the elevator car goes up
to who knows where. At that moment, Trent and Jane bring a
pair of privicy screens for Tom and Daria; behind one's own
screen, the two change. After that, Daria is now in her
standard sleep wear, while Tom is in a t shirt and briefs.)

Tom: Uh, the name's Tom Sloane an' she's my babe,
Daria Morgendorffer.

Brittany (twirling her pigtails): Uh, you're lucky to be
invited up to Ms. Barch's lab; she only allows priviliged
people up there.

Tom: You've seen it?

Brittany (blushing): An' more........eep!!

Daria: Sounds like she's the new model for Victoria's

Trent (laughing/coughing): Good one, Daria. (Starts to usher
Daria and Tom into the elevator) Let's go, Ms. Barch don't like
to be kept waitin'.

Jane: MOVE IT!! (Then in a timid way) Sorry. I've been hangin'
with Barch for too long.

Daria: It's OK. Whoever that Barch is, she's like Ming The
Merciless getting in touch with his feminine side.

Tom: That is, if he had one.

Trent: Good one. (He and Jane laugh. After that, they all
enter the elevator; the door closes, and the elevator
heads up to the upper level.)

Tom: Time well spent, I think.

Daria (to Trent): Is Barch you wife?

Brittany: EEP!!

Trent: She used to be married, until her spouse ran out
on her. Since then, she's been hatin' any an' all males,
even me. But in my POV, she never will BE married; we're
just her....minions.

Daria: Sorry I asked.

Jane: Good one (laughs)

CHAPTER 3: Happy birthday, Skinny!!

(The elevator door opens, and the group steps out into a
vast red tiled room with an upper gallery with ramps and
stairs; right now, we see the Lawndalians there, overlooking
the activities at hand. Below, surrounding the perimiter of
the room, we see some statues of female Amazon warriors,
passages leading to different rooms of the building. Across
from the elevator is a curtained doorway. At the right hand
part of the wall is a huge control panel with digital LED
clocks for the different time zones of the world, along with
TV screens, computer keyboard units, switches, buttons,
levers, LED read outs, printers, and so forth. Next to that,
on the panel's right hand side, is another blast door,
ABSOLUTE ZERO!! In the center of the room, is a huge Cres-Cor
Crown-X 7 foot tall electric heating cabinet, used for heating
restraunt food, now with several insulated electrodes sticking
out from the top; above that, hanging from the ceiling, is a
series of electrodes, a 5 foot gap between those, and the
ones on the Cres-Cor cabinet. And standing near it, adjusting
its onboard controls, in a white smock, is Barch, who turns
to Daria and co.)

Barch: Jane, Brittany, go help your loser Trent. I will

Tom: Uh.....the name's Tom Sloane, and she's Diarrhea

Daria: "Daria."

Barch: SHADDAP, YOU!! OR ELSE!! SHEESH!! (calms down)
It ain't often we get visitors here, let alone offer our
hospitality. But if there is one thing I CANNOT stand,
is (points to Tom) a MAN!! (belches rudely)

Tom: Never mind the sexist hatred!! We don't give a hang
'bout what goes on here, but we asked you to use your phone,
which you don't care 'bout!!

Daria: Tell me all 'bout it.

Barch (to Tom): How STUU-----PID of you.....such a ugly
parasite of a man. So useless!! (To Daria) You must be out
of your mind to hang with....a MAN!!

Daria: I try from time to time.

Trent (to Barch): We're ready.

Barch: Then let's get started. (to Daria and Tom)
Follow me.

(Barch, Daria and Tom head to the giant control panel,
where Trent, Jane and Brittany wait. From there, Barch
turns to the Lawndalians above in the upper part of the
room and addresses them.)

Barch: To all my minions, the Lawndalians, and--UGH--!! Prepare to be stupid----uh,
I meant stupified, with my latest innovation. For years,
we women were maltreated by the ultimate scum of the Earth,
known as the male gender, taking advantage of women,
treating them like servants......But tonight, all that
will change......what you're 'bout to see, is a breakthrough
in biogenetic clone from DNA scratch, a
REAL wimp of a male for me, to serve me and take out his own
trash cans!!


Barch (continued): You, the doubters, get a ringside seat,
for a major first in MTV history, since Xmas, Halloween and
Guy Fawkes Day came from Holiday High. Not since that Britney
Spears broke up with that loser Justin, have we come up with invention to solve every woman's problem!! (
To Jane and Trent) Prepare the protoplasmic armature!!

(Trent and Jane haul a huge log shaped hunk of white wax,
set it upright in the cabinet, slam its door, and head to
the control panel.)

Jane: All set. All cloning matrix readings say danger is go.

Barch: Activate all systems. Start the extended range fixed
filter bank.

Brittany: Extended range fixed filter bank activated.

Barch: Start voltage controlled lowpass filter.

Trent: Voltage controlled lowpass filter activated.

Barch: Start voltage controlled highpass filter.

Jane: Voltage controlled highpass filter activated.

Barch: Channeling all DNA fluids to the cloning matrix....
setting power to 1200,000 volts...........tang.......go!!

(Barch throws a pair of knife switches, and countless
lightning bolts shoot out from the overhead electrodes to
the ones on the cabinet, which shakes, rattles and rolls
for 4 minutes, then on one of the screens, a display reading
FINISHED flashes; Barch turns the power off, approaches the
cabinet and opens it. Out steps, in a gold tank top and gold
swimming trunks, is Timothy O'Neill.)

O'Neill: Hellllllllo,everyone!! Wanna form a feeling circle
with me?

Barch (overjoyed): Oh, SKINNY!!!!!!!!

Daria: It's alive........!!

(O'Neill starts running 'round the room, up the stairs,
running past the amused Lawndalians, with Barch chasing him

Parody of The Sword Damoclese
Perfomed by Timothy O'Neill &
The Lawndalians

The sword of Janet Barch is hangin' over my head
an' I've got the feelin' someone wants me real dead.
Oh, woe is me, why was I born a wimp?
Oh, can't you see, that I ain't got no backbone, poor me?
I woke up from the steely box, and I am a crybaby.

The Lawndalians:
That ain't no crime.

An' what's worse, I was born with a bad asmtha problem.

The Lawndalians:
That ain't no crime.

My love life's low
I teach self esteem on the go
Yet all I know is, I can't seem to teach my students.

Oh, Timmy!!

The Lawndalians:
Sha, la, la, la, that ain't no crime.

Oh no, no, no.

The Lawndalians:
Sha, la, la, la, that ain't no crime.

Oh no, no, no.

The Lawndalians:
Sha, la, la, la, that ain't no crime.

Oh no, no, no.
The sword of Janet Barch is hangin' over my head.

The Lawndalians:
That ain't no crime.

An' I've got the feelin' someone wants me real dead.

The Lawndalians:
Sha, la, la, la, that ain't no crime.

Oh, woe is me, my life is a mystery
An', can't you see, that I am the wimpiest teacher
in Lawndale?

The Lawndalians:
Sha, la, la, la, that ain't no crime.

Oh, no, no, no.

The Lawndalians:
Sha, la, la, la, that ain't no crime.

Oh, no, no, no.

The Lawndalians:
Sha, la, la, la, that ain't no crime,
Sha, la, la, la, that ain't no crime,
Sha, la, la, la, that ain't no crime,
sha, la, la, la..........

(O'Neill comes to a stop at the control panel before Trent,
Jane and Brittany before Barch reaches him.)

Barch: MAN!! Well really......!! That
ain't no way to behave on your first day!!

O'Neill: Sorry. Guess I got carried away.

Barch: Sorry? SORRY?!? But since you're an exceptional
beauty, I've got to forgive you. Oh, I just love

Trent: He's a credit to Alt. Lawndale. com.

Barch: Yes.

Jane: A triumph of Sick Sad World.

Barch: Yes.

Brittany: He's OK.

(Everyone stares at Brittany as if she had just
said something blasphemous.)

Brittany: What?

Barch: OK? OK?!? I think we can do better that that.

O'Neill: Then let's all say, "Brava, brava!!"

The Lawndalians: BRAVA!! BRAVA!!

Barch: So funny, I forgot to laugh.......(leads
O'Neill to Daria and Tom) So what do you think of him?

Tom: Someone call Ripley--as in Believe It Or Not.

Daria: Just what we need-------a wimpy version cross
twixt Upchuck and Mariah Carey, fortified with a touch
of Cameron Diaz for extra wimpiness.

Upchuck's voice: Rrrrrrrrrrrrr, fiesty.

Barch: I DIDN'T make him for you, DUH!! He (gesturing
at O'Neill) carries the Gloria Steinham seal of
approval!! (Leads O'Neill to a pile of books, each
with a tag reading HAPPY BIRTHDAY, SKINNY, while
singing the next tune)

Parody of I Can Make You A Man
Performed by Janet Barch & The

A tough man, weighin' 200 pounds,
will get beat by his wife, when kicked
to the ground.
An' with cash as the source,
for the wife's divorce.......
The sweat from his pores, as the man
loses all.....
will make him cower an' fret,
an' with cringin', an' just a small bit
of re....gret....
He'll be toast, an' all set!!
He'll be a.......weak man!!
Oh darling----

Barch & The Lawndalians:
But a sneak man!!

He'll bring me breakfast, in my bed,
an' take out the trash,
Try to pay alimony,
with bona fide cash
Such an effort,
if he only knew of my plan;
in just seven days--

Barch & The Lawndalians:
I can make you, my man.........!!

He'll then booze it, an' lose it,
at poker, that jerk!!
He thinks romancin' women,
must be hard work.
Such riotous living----
I just don't understand----
When in just seven days,
oh Skinny----
I can make you, my man..............!!

(On the giant panel, a light labeled DEEP FREEZE
flashes, and the freezer door opens; cold fog swirls
out, while the sound of a motorcycle can be heard.)

Brittany: KEVVY!!

(From behind a wall of ice blocks in the freezer,
we hear Kevin Thomson.)

Kevin's voice: Uh, like, welcome to Nuts World,
uh, no, uh, POW!! BLAM!! KABLOOEY!! Ratboy rocks!!
NO!! That ain't it!! Now I remember.....!!

(The sound of a motorcyle starts up, and Kevin,
on a chopper, if not a hog, crashes through the ice
block wall, and Brittany climbs on, riding all over the
lab, just doing what Meat Loaf did in RHPS--you get
the idea.)

(That was the best I could do)
Parody of Hot Patootie, Bless My Soul
Perfomed by Kevin Thomson

Whatever happened to school football night?
I miss those days an' those ol' football plays
I had The Pigskin Channel an' Rat Boy.
Along came Brittany who made me her boy toy.
We used to bicker an' sometimes make out
until Janet Barch stepped in an' would shout:
"Beat it,Kevin!! You crummy male cur!!
Get outa here!!" SHEESH!! What a lousy grouch!!
Oh, sweet Brittany, make the call!! I truly love that ol' football!!
Oh, sweet Brittany, make the call!! I truly love that ol' football!!
Oh, sweet Brittany, make the call!! I truly love that ol' football!!
Oh, sweet Brittany, make the call!! I truly love that ol' football!!

(Despite herself, Barch picks up a saxophone
and plays a sax solo)

Tommy Sherman used to be a football star
To me, he was legend, so he was my hero,
but to the others, he was such a zero.
Yet they named a goalpost in his honor
He tried hit on Britt, THAT was so sick!!
No wonder he couldn't fit in anyone's clique
Worse still, he even put down The Misery Chick.
The goalpost fell!! NO!! Poor Tommy was dead!!
Oh, sweet Brittany, make the call!! I truly love that ol' football!!
(repeat x12)

(While the tune nears the end, Brittany does her
cheerleader moves; taking the advantage, Barch
unsheaths two 7 foot samurai swords, and with inhuman
precision, hurls them like javelins----and they
impale through Kevin's heart. Soon after that, Kevin
falls down, dead. After the tune finishes, Brittany
sees what happened to Kevin, shrieks, runs to his dead
form, and cries.)

Barch: One for the Lawndale Morgue.

Brittany: WHAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!! My poor Kevvy!!!!!!!!

Barch: Don't be was just a mercy kill.
Besides, he's with the winners now.

Brittany: WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!! (to Barch)
You're so mean!!!! (Kicks Barch in the stomach before
she hightails it from the lab.)

Barch: OOOOOOOFFFFFF!!!!!! Stupid ungrateful brat!!

O'Neill: Now THAT must hurt.

(Barch recovers and turns to O'Neill.)

Barch: Oh,Timmy!! Please understand.........he had a
naive followin', wimpiness.

Daria: That is sure to set Mary Shelley back 1200 years.

Tom: Not to mention Hollywood.

(Trent and Jane approach Barch and help her out from her
smock, and we can see she's still in her black satin
bustier, panty and thigh highs, while she sings the
next tune.)

Parody of I Can Make You A Man (Reprise)
Perfomed by Janet Barch, Daria Morgendorffer,
& The Lawndalians

But an' a, black eye
A lawsuit, an' a good cry
It makes me, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, shake!!
It makes me wanna take Jill Sobule, by the

Barch & The Lawndalians:
In just seven days.......I can
make you, my man!!

I don't want no, dissension--
just, male hatin', tension.

I am a wimpy man.

Barch & The Lawndalians:
In just seven days, I can make you,
my man!!
Dig it--------if you ca--an!!
In just seven days, I can make you,
my MAN!!

(The recessional version of the wedding march plays,
and arm in arm, Barch and O'Neill march to the curtained
passage which is now open, revealing a four poster bed;
behind it, a stained glass window of Billie Jean King. The
Lawndalians flank Barch and O'Neill, while tossing rice.)

The Lawndalians (chanting): Diarrhea, cha, cha, cha!!
Diarrhea, cha, cha, cha!! Diarrhea, cha, cha, cha!!
Diarrhea, cha, cha, cha!!

Daria: Good grief, not them too!!

Tom: Must've seen the same show.

(Just before the curtain closes, we see Barch punch
O'Neill in the stomach.)

(It's back to Defoe's art room, where she is studying
the cover art of The Electric Light Orchestra's Out Of
The Blue album, before she turns to the camera.)

Defoe: They're those that believe that say life is an
illusion, and that reality is but a pigment----uh, I mean
figment of the imagination. Such imagination was what
resulted in the fantastic work Shushei Nagaoka did for
The Electric Light Orchestra, Earth, Wind & Fire and
The Jefferson Starship. If that is so, then Tom and
Daria were quite safe. However the sudden departure
of Ms. Barch....and her the seclusion
of her suite had left them looking foward to seeing Sick
Sad World on the TV before hitting the hay, yet fearing; a
feeling which grew when the Lawndalians departed, and they
were shown to their seperate rooms.

CHAPTER 4: Betrayal's just a game

(Brittany shows Daria and Tom each to a room;
Daria's is lit up with red light, while Tom's is
lit up with green. Meanwhile, in the lab, Trent and
Jane stare at one of the control panel's TV screens,
which via camera survallience system, spy on Daria's
room, where we see only a silhouette of our bespecticled
heroine.Then a door opens and closes, and we see another
silhouette, who approaches Daria, and tickles her feet.)

Daria: Tom!! Tom, stop that!! I am ticklish!! Stop it!!
Ok, I warned you!!

(Daria heads to the figure----and recoils in shock at
who the tickler is)

Daria (gasps): Ms. Barch!! YOU?!?

Barch: Yep--------but ain't love just grand? (Tries to
kiss Daria, who gets up.)

Daria: OK, what chuu do with Tom? 'Sides, you ain't the
only one that learned the Take Back The Night self
defense program.

Barch: Not a thing-----only I don't see why'd you'd
hang with.....that.......MAN!!

Daria: Why not? It'd be better than makin' out with a
Nicole Kidman clone on steroids like you.

Barch:'re a traitor to your own

Daria: Even if I beat you at cards?

Barch: 7 card stud.

(Back in the lab, Trent and Jane sneak up in Barch's
suite, where O'Neill is sleeping. The Lane siblings
exchange grins before the two jump up, and make
noises off, which scares O'Neill.)



(O'Neill hightails it to the elevator; soon after
that, he is in the pouring rain, running while we hear
Napolean XIV doing They're Coming To Take Me Away.
Meanwhile,in Tom's room, Barch arrives on the scene,
and uses a belt to whip Tom.)

Tom: OUCH!! Daria, stop!! That hurts!! I thought
you loved me!!

Barch: I ain't
you MAN!! (Laughs dementedly)

Tom: Oh, me!! Barch!! What chuu do with
if I didn't know.

Barch: Not a thing, male lowlife scum!! I waited a long
time to put you through the wringer in the worst way.

Tom: Listen, just beacause your spouse left you years ago,
don't mean you got to take it out on every male you meet.

Barch: Like hell!! I don't give a hang 'bout that!! All
males,they're like weapons on two feet!! And I could
take em' all in any way, any place,any time,
anywhere.I can even beat them at cards!!

Tom: How 'bout 7 card stud?

Barch: You're goin' down, male pig. (laughs triumphntly
while dealing out the cards.)

(Just then, on a nearby TV screen, the image of Trent
Lane comes onscreen.)

Trent: Hey, J.B. , we got a problem.


Trent: No, YOU shaddap!! O'Neill flew the coop, but
Janey's got the dogs on his trail.

Barch: WHAT?!? My Skinny!! Hop to it then, male slime!!
I'll be there soon as I can!!

(Outside in the rain, while The Baha Men's Who Let The
Dogs Out plays, O'Neill is running for his life, with
a pack of dogs on his tail. Meanwhile, in the main
foyer, Daria is wandering the halls before heading to
the elevator.)

Daria: Boy----not a decent thing to eat here......I
wonder if Sick Sad World is on tonight? (Enters the
elevator, and goes up to the lab level, where she heads
to the main control panel.)

Daria (continued): If only the tires didn't go flat
.........if only it didn't rain........if only there
never were a Beavis and Butt Head.........if only our
show never got canceled......what'd they do to Tom?

(Spotting one of the screens, Daria pushes a series of
buttons, and the image of Tom and Barch playing 7 card
stud comes onscreen.)

Daria (sobbing): Tom.......!! First Trent, and now
you.......!! I hope the Sick Sad World staffers
take notes.......

(From the Cres-Cor cabinet, we hear O'Neill's

O'Neill's voice: Is that you, Daria? Got any Band

(Heading to the cabinet, Daria opens its door,
and sees a sobbing O'Neil,one leg bleeding from
some cuts.)

Daria: I told you, if you play with Ms. Barch,
you get hurt.

O'Neill: That wasn't Janet------I cut myself on
the rose bushes tryin' to escape those stupid
steel jawed mutts.What kind of man am I? I only
wanted to be loved, and an' now.......(cries)

Daria: Maybe I can help. (Reaches in her vest
pocket and comes up with a handful of Band Aids,
before applying them to the cuts.)

O'Neill: Thanks. I just wish those Lawndalians
hadn't done that "Diarrhea, cha, cha, cha." chant
----it's so.......icky......

Daria: Amen. The only two people that chanted
that to me, not to mention called me Diarrhea
were the biggest losers that thought of sex and
girls, during my years in Highland High--and
Beavis and Butt Head were their names.

O'Neill: Butt Head?

Daria: His mom was high on morhpine at the time

O'Neill: Can you explain that?

(Back in the art room, Claire Defoe exmaines Brittany's
art fair winning painting from Arts & Crass, before
turning back to the camera.)

.........agitation......disturbance of the mind;
it's a strong form of mind control.........and
from what Jane and Brittany saw on their TV
survellance screen, there was no doubt--sorry,
Gwen--that Daria was still the same cynic she was

(Inside Brittany's room, decorated with posters of
Kevin, along withother cheerleaders, we see Brittany,
in a pengoir, and Jane, in a chemise, lounging on
the bed, seeing Daria talk with O'Neill on their TV

Brittany & Jane: Tell us 'bout it, Daria. (They laugh)

(Back at the lab, Daria does her tune while O'Neill
sips a cup of java.)

Parody of Touch-a, Touch-a, Touch Me
Performed by Daria Morgendorffer,
Brittany Taylor & Jane Lane

I was feelin' bland, in Highland
I thought it couldn't get worse then.

You mean they........?

Uh huh....

Until Beavis and Butt Head
came to Highland High, well, 'nuff said
An' then that led to trouble
an'.........much dread.
All they think of is sex----an' what's worse, girls
Those peons don't know how to score.

Brittany & Jane:
Score, score, score.

To them, I say, "No way!!
You guys, just go away!!"
I can't stand them at all
so to them, I say:
"Don't touch-a, touch-a, touch me,
I don't wanna be dirty.
Don't hug me, kiss me, nor date me.
you're both just losers."
Go back to Highland High, on the sly
lest I kick you outa my town.

Brittany & Jane:
Town, town, town.

Your "Huh, huh, huh, huh." ain't no
fraction to get my attraction.
I wanna get a life, an' you want action.
Don't touch-a, touch-a, touch me,
I don't wanna be dirty.
Don't hug me, kiss me, nor date me.
you're both just losers.

(Back to Brittany and Jane who sing along to the
stupid tune, making a mockery of it)

Don't touch-a, touch-a, touch me. (kisses Jane)

I don't wanna be dirty. (blows a raspberry)

Don't hug me, kiss me, nor date me.
(kisses Jane on both face cheeks)

You're both just losers. (plays with Brittany's pig tails)

(Back to the lab with Daria, who sings her soul
out, while O'Neill plays cat's cradle.)

Don't touch-a, touch-a, touch me,
I don't wanna be dirty.
Don't hug me, kiss me, nor date me.
you're both just losers.

(Here's where the toilet bowl shot takes place,
in which everyone gets to do their own line.)

Beavis and Butt-Head are not real.

They are stupid cartoon people completely
made up by this Texas guy whom we hardly
even know.

Beavis and Butt-Head are dumb, crude,
thoughtless, ugly, sexist, self-destructive

But for some reason, the little
stupidheads make us laugh.

No wonder Daria left Highland.

Butt Head?

Go figure, Skinny.

You're both just losers.

(One hour later in the lab. We don't see Daria, nor
O'Neill anywhere, but the elevator door opens, and
Trent runs out, with an irate Barch, who is whipping
the slacker with a guitar string. Tom comes on behind
Barch, out into the lab, and Trent is cowering on the
floor, while Barch savagely whips his hide with the

Trent: OW!! OWWWWW!! OW!! YEE-OUCH!! MERCY!! That
string's from my Fender Stratocaster!!

Barch: How did it happen?!? I THOUGHT you understood
that you were to keep an eye on him, MAN!!!!

Trent: So I was on my coffee break.

Barch: Then see if you can locate him on the survellance

(Trent, with Barch and Tom in tow, hightails to
the giant control panel, and after pushing several
buttons, one of the screens comes on. It shows the
main foyer, where someone is standing near the
stairs----and it's Quinn,in her pink blouse with
the gold butterfly and her trademark jeans.)

Trent: Barch, we've got a visitor.

Tom: Hey, it's Quinn. (Barch and Trent stare at him.)
Quinn Morgendorffer.

Trent: You know that Terran-----uh, I mean person?

Tom: I should say so!! She's Daria's sister.

(Upon hearing that, Brach glowers at Tom.)

Barch: I it wasn't simply a chance
meeting.You came here on MAN!!

Tom: I told you me an' Daria wound up with four flat
tires. I told you the truth!!

Barch: FOOL!! You think I'd believe in a male parasite
like YOU?!? 'Sides, I know what you told me, but that
Quinn Morgendorffer.......her name ain't unknown to me.

Tom: She and Daria went to Lawndale High.......sure
you'd know her.

Barch:And she also dated the 3 J's, a.k.a., the
male slimebugs of planetEarth, didn't she, Tom?
(shoves Tom roughly) She's yet another traitor to
her own gender, just like her sister Daria!! Ain't
that right, Tom?!? (Shoves Tom who falls on his butt.)

Tom (after getting his second wind): Could be.

Trent: The intruder is heading up the stairs, Barch.

Barch: She'll probably the Susan B. Anthony room.

(We see Quinn in a room featuring paintings of the
female crusader of women's rights to vote, while
The Squirrel Nut Zippers' Anything But Love plays.
Back at the lab, Barch reaches for a switch marked

Barch: Shalt we inquire of her in person?

(Barch pulls the switch, and a steel plate pops
out from the wall on the right hand side of the
freezer door. A deep bass like humming sound comes from
it, its magnetic field reaching out till it attracts
itself onto Quinn's belt buckle, and pulls her down the
halls of the building.)

Quinn: YIPE!!

(While The Electric Light Orchestra's Don't Bring Me
Down plays, the force of the tractor beam pulls Quinn
through the hall, past Jane and Brittany, down several
more halls, before she crashes through the wall of the

Quinn: EW!! PLASTER!!

Tom: Great Scott!! UH!! I mean, Quinn!!

(While toilet paper flies everywhere, the tractor beam
pulls Quinn down the stairs, before she winds up
stuck on the plate with a clang.)

Quinn: Ms. Janet Barch, we finally meet.Thanks to you,
your tacky move got me drenched in plaster!!

Tom (shaking Quinn's hand): Quinn!!

Quinn: Tom!! What chuu doin' here?

Barch (to Quinn): Don't play head games with me, you
fellow traitor to your gender, a.k.a. ,Quinn M.!!
You know why your sister and her parasite of a boyfriend
would be here!! That they would check my citidel for
you an' your.........fellow hooligans!! Well,
unforutnately for you all, the plans will be changed.
I am quite adaptable.

Quinn: Well, the thought did cross my mind, but no.
I've come to search for Kevin.

Tom: Kevin!! Barch put him through the wringer.

Barch: Kevin!! I had to!! What do you know of Kevin?

Quinn: He an' I did a science project with Daria.

(Barch pauses for a moment before turning off the
tractor beam; Quinn falls off the plate, on her butt.
And that is when we hear the voices of Daria and O'Neill
coming from the Cres-Cor Crown-X cabinet.)

Daria's voice: Four of a kind!!

O'Neill's voice: Oh,foo!!

(Barch walks up to the cabinet and opens its door;
inside, using a flashlight, is Daria and O'Neill
playing 7 card stud.)

O'Neill: Oops!!

Daria: Yipe!!

Quinn: Daria!!

Daria: Quinn!!

Tom: Daria!!

Daria: Tom!!

Barch: Skinny!!

Quinn: Daria!!

Daria: Quinn!!

Tom: Daria!!

Daria: Tom!!

Barch: Skinny!!

Quinn: Daria!!

Daria: Quinn!!

Tom: Daria!!

Daria: Tom!!

Barch: Skinny!!

Quinn: Daria!!

Daria: Quinn!!

Tom: Daria!!

Daria: Tom!!

Barch: Skinny!!

(Furious, Barch pulls O'Neill out from the cabinet
by his tank top, and glowers in his face.)

Barch: MAN!! You're just like my sugar
pig spouse, when he left me!! Listen---------I made
you, an' I can break you easily!!

O'Neill: You can't blame me for trying.

(Just then, Jane, back in her maid uniform, bangs a gong.)

Jane: Barch, dinner is prepared. It's pepperoni pizza
with soda pop.

Quinn: Got any low fat no cheese pizza with diet soda?

Jane: Sure thing, girly girl.

Quinn: WHOO-HOO!! Thanks!!

Barch: Well done. Under the circumstances....... (to
Daria,in her sleep wear.) dress is to be optional.

(Back to Defoe's art room, where Defoe is inspecting some
paintings of bowls of fruit in still life projects,
including Jane's painting of bloodied soldiers from
Daria Dance Party. Then she returns her attention
to the camera.)

Defoe: Food always played a major role in life's rituals:
the breaking of bread, the last meal of the condemmed
person, and now, that meal of Barch's. However
informal it may seem, you can be sure that there
was to be scarcely any meaning----or was there?

(Barch and co. settle down to a table while Trent and Jane
serve the pizza, soda, and birthday party hats.)

O'Neill: Come on, let's eat!! Stuff's s'posed to make me hungry!!

Barch: First things first. Everyone get your party hats on. (Everyone does
so, while Barch lifts her soda can to a toast.) A toast.......
to hooligan friends.

All: To hooligan friends.

Barch: And Timmy here. (Points to O'Neill.) Everyone got
your party hats on?

All: YUP!!

Barch: Then let's get started. (Blows a horn and clasps her
palms in prayer.)

Daria: Beats lasanga anytime.

Tom: My family eats filet migon.


Happy birthday to you,

happy birthday to you,

happy birthday to Skinny,

happy birthday to you,

an' many more, until the war.

Daria: To my sweathog, hapee burd doo.

Barch: Says you. Shalt we?

Quinn: Hey, what 'bout Kevin?

Brittany: Kevvy?

Barch:A rather tender subject.

Brittany: Pardon me. (To O'Neill) You can have my slice.

O'Neill: Thanks!!

(Brittany gets up and exits, closing the doors; a few
seconds,we hear her switching to crybaby mode.)

Brittany's voice (sobbing): OH----------------------------NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!
(Cries big time.)

Jane: What a crybaby. Let's put her outa her misery.

Trent: Hey, Janey, don't give the plot away.

Jane: Sorry.

Quinn: I knew he was in a bad crowd, but he WAS the QB.

Dumb aliens!!

O'Neill: Huh?

Daria & Tom: Quinn?

Barch: Go on Quinn.

CHAPTER 5: Worse comes to worst

(Quinn stands up, and after a pause for emphisis, starts.)

Parody of Eddie
Performed by Quinn & Daria Morgendorffer,
Claire Defoe, Janet Barch & Brittany Taylor

From the day he was born,
he was born STUU----PID.
He was the beau of Britt
We gave it our all......

(Change to Defoe's room.)

........but all he could do was just play football.

(Back to Quinn.)

He took his Rat Boy comics that day.
High school football he'd play
All he wanted, was his Brittany,
an' to be the QB.
What a nut.......

He was the QB, yet he tried to be all he could be.

Poor Kevin an' Brittany.......!!

When Kevin said he wanted to be Lawndale's hero,
we knew we had a great big zero
But when he played, he proved them wrong, oh, for so long.

What a wimp!!

He ain't no gimp

An' I told you so.

(In her room, Brittany mourns for Kevin.)

Everyone envied me, my Kevvy truly loved me.
Even when we fight, it don't matter to me.
I told Kevvy to stay an' kiss up with me,
but he was smitten by Angie without warnin' me!!

Yet some dumb thing must've scared him
for he just warned me in a note that reads.....

What's it say?
What's it say?

Kevin's voice:
"Help!! Ms. Barch just shanghaied me!!
Oh, hurry, for time's up for the QB
They musn't begin their unholy crummy deed!!"

(Sound of Kevin's scream)

When Kevin said he wanted to be Lawndale's hero,
we knew we had a great big zero
But when he played, he proved them wrong, oh, for so long.

What a wimp!!

He ain't no gimp

An' I told you so.

When Kevin said he wanted to be Lawndale's hero,
we knew we had a great big zero
But when he played, he proved them wrong, oh, for so long.

What a wimp!!

He ain't no gimp

An' I told you so.

(An irate Barch stands up, and glares at Quinn.)

Barch: I thought so.........a definite traitor to
your own gender. You think you're so popular......well,
here's what I think!!

(Barch pulls off the tablecloth, revealing the dead Kevin,
disembowelled from the samurai sword attack, under glass.
Naturally Quinn lets out a 15 decibel scream, O'Neill
freaks out, and Daria's eyes bug out.)

Daria: Hating males is one thing, but........alert
Sick Sad World......!!

Quinn: EW!! A dead bloody body!!

O'Neill: A dead body?!? LEMME OUTA HERE!!

(Runs to Daria and hangs on to her----THAT truly
enrages Barch.)

Barch: Oh, Skinny!! How could you?!?

O'Neill: Easy----I got scared.

Daria: Listen, it wasn't my fault.I can't help it
if I was born to be The Misery Chick.

Barch: Then, let's put YOU out of YOUR misery!!

(Unsheaths the same swords used to stab Kevin,
and chases Daria down the hall to the lab, with Tom,
Quinn, and the rest coming on behind.)

Parody of Planet Shmanet Janet
Performed by Janet Barch, Daria
& Quinn Morgendorffer, Tom Sloane
& Claire Defoe

I just told you----an' I just told them
You'd best wise up--------Daria M.
You think your show, was the creme
de la creme.
You'd best wise up---------Daria M.
You ain't first rate, so I say you just get it straight
So it's no wonder, you made a blunder, an' dated
Trent Lane.
An' then Tom Sloane, he chose you 'stead of Jane.

(Finally everyone is in Barch's lab, with the said
Barch at the control panel.)

Barch (continued):
I've got one trick, you misery chick.
You'd best wise up------------Daria M.
My paralyzer, will hypnotize ya.

(Barch reaches for, and pushes a button marked NEURO
PARALYZER; Daria, Tom and Quinn instantly become
immobilized, their feet rooted to the lab floor.)

Daria: Yipe!! I can't move my feet!!

Tom: Me neither!!

Quinn: Me neither, neither!!

Barch: No kiddin'!! It's somethin' you can get used to.

Quinn: Not when you consider the fact 'bout your
digital transmat beam system.

Daria: Say what?

Quinn: Somethin' some of the cute guys in the computer
lab in Lawndale High was workin' on, absolutely top secret
--only now, Barch an' her bunch know how to build it.
It's a digital matter transmitter which digitizes
any matter, an' broadcasts it through space an' time.

Tom: Wow.......!! It's the first brainy thing
you've said, Quinn.

Daria: Maybe you DID learn somethin' from me.

Quinn (blushing): Gee, thanks, Daria.......(laughs)

Barch (to Daria):
Staria, taria, Daria!!
You'd best wise up, Ms. Daria Spice.
You'd best wise up, it's no surprise
You'd best wise up.

(Back to Defoe)

And then she called out:

(Back to Daria)


Don't be so el stupido!!
Cynics like you have got to go.

You're a cruel gal, but you'd best try
to respect her, Ms. Janet Barch.

(Producing a remote control box with a lot of
buttons on it, Barch aims it at Tom, and pushes
a red button marked MEDUSA; with a zap of flashing
light, Tom is turned into a statue.)


You're a cruel witch, but you'd best try
to respect her, Ms. Janet Barch.

(Barch turns Quinn into a statue.)

You're a cruel dame--

(Barch turns Daria into a statue, before smirking
in triumph-----and that is when Brittany arrives on
the scene.)

Brittany: EEP!! That does it!! I can't take it no
more!! First you rub out my Kevvy, then you take
advantage of people, an' get rid of them!! An' what's
worse, you've been maltreatin' your male students for
years, that they've formed a Get Rid of Janet Barch
Or Else Club!! An' you've been doin' so, from the first
season of our show, to Is It Collage Yet? I've had it!!
You've got to choose twixt me an' O'Neill an' your male
hatin' tyranny!!

(In reply, Barch turns Brittany into a statue,
just as O'Neill, who turns off the paralyzer,
freaks out at what he sees.)

O'Neill: Janet, no, stop!! You've gone bananas!!

Barch: Et tu, Skinny? You're next!!

(You guessed it----in a flash, O'Neill is
turned into a statue.)

Barch: It ain't easy havin' a good time, or words
to that effect. Even smilin' makes my face hurt, which
is why I scowl all the' my students
turn against me. My Timmy's actin' just the way my
no good hubby did. (To Trent and Jane) Do you think
MTV made a mistake in closin' down its animation section?

Jane: Ah, who cares 'bout that? When do we go
back to Pennsylvania?

Barch: Jane, I am indeed grateful to you an' your
scum brain bro Trent. You've both served me well.
Loyalty like yours should be rewarded.You may
discover, when the mood takes me, I may be generous.
Unless it's for a parasite of a man----an' then I get

Jane: Just art supplies is all I ask.

Trent: An' guitar strings.

Barch: Whatever.......(heads to the elevator)
It's time for the floor show!! (enters the elevator.)

6TH & LAST CHAPTER: Regards to Barch

(Back in Defoe's art room, we see the said art
teacher appraise a painting of Jane's--a painting
depicting the Moulin Rouge in flames,and hit with
an H bomb. After that, Defoe turns back to the camera.)

Defoe: And so, by some extraordinary coincidence,
fate, it seemed, had decided that Daria and Tom should
keep that appointment with Quinn, but it was to be in a
situation which none of them had possibly forseen.
And in just a few hours, after announcing their engagement,
Tom and Daria had been tempted by forbidden fruit,
which was of the shallow, and the popular.
That, in itself, was proof that Ms. Janet Barch was a woman
of less morals----and some persuasion. What further
indignities were they to be subjected to? And what of
the floor show that is spoken of? In a huge mystery
citidel? At night? What diabolical plan had been formed
in Barch's crazed, if not perverted, mind? What indeed?
From what had gone before, there was no doubt that it
would be no picnic----for Barch had indeed, come up
with an unholy ambition to rival the video that Mya,
Lil' Kim, Pink and Cristina Aguliera did for the
Moulin Rouge soundtrack........and now,the moment
you've been waiting for...........the final

(In the vast theater section of the citidel, Barch,
now in a gold bustier, black panty, and black thigh highs,
is finishing dressing the statues in black satin bustiers,
panty and thigh high sets. In one hand is the remote control
unit she used to turn our Lawndalians into statues in the
first place; the only difference is that Barch's thumb is
poised over a green button marked DE-MEDUSA. Just as the
tune starts, Barch aims the remote at Brittany, and pushes
the green button, and Brittany is back to her human self----
only she ain't wearing anything but the bustier/panty/
thigh high set. That done, the B-gal sings.)

(A) LAWNDALE MY WORLD (maybe it don't make sense,
but hey....!!)
Parody of Rose Tint My World
Performed by Brittany Taylor,
Timothy O'Neill, Tom Sloane
& Daria Morgendorffer

It was cool whan it all began
I was a cheerleader with no tan
But it was gone when I met the woman
who would soon hold my mind in her hand
Now the only thing that makes me see
is sayin' "EEP!!" an' my Kevvy.
Lawndale my world an' glory to MTV.

(Barch then turns O'Neill to human form.)

I never wanted to be a wimp
but it's better than livin' as a gimp
I look like a silly goon
But Ms. Barch just might punch me to
the moon
Now the only thing that makes me stay
is doin' stuff, Janet's own way
Lawndale my world an' glory to MTV.

(Barch aims the remote at Tom and changes
him back.)

It's beyond me, I just don't dig it
I'll be silent, for Barch
Poor Daria.
We're all cuckoo
What's that? Oh no!!
It's a bustier!!
YIPE!! Where'd we wind up,
Fredricks of Lawndale?

(Barch aims the remote at Daria and pushes the green
button; you guessed it.)

Alert Sick Sad World, for every boy an' girl!!
My hair's just been curled, lipstick's on my mouth.
Shades of Quinn, I am sexy; shallowness is near
There goes my reputation; what would MTV say now?
It's the worst!! Save the cynics!!
Pagin' The Fashion Club.........!!

(Behind Barch and co. , the curtains open, revealing
a swimming pool, with a mosaic pattern of Ellen
DeGeneres; behind the pool, is a giant Women's Lib
logo. Above the logo is: FOR THE LADY LIVING ALONE:
Below the logo: TAKE BACK THE NIGHT!!)

Parody of Don't Dream It
Performed by Janet Barch, Brittany
Taylor, Timothy O'Neill, Daria &
Quinn Morgendorffer & Tom Sloane

Whatever happened to Angela Li?
That four eyed pantsuited fool.
She made, on the sly
big plans for Laaaaaaawndale High
for all she cared for was just money
Give yourself over to the power of
Ms. Barch
Swim the hot waters, it ain't got no starch
Male hatin' nightmares, beyond any measure
an' rulin' Lawndale High is yours to treasure.
Forever.......can't you just see it? Oh....oh....

(Barch jumps in the pool, and is on a float.)

Don't freak out, just seek out
(repeat x4)

Daria, Tom, Brittany & O'Neill:
Don't freak out, just seek out
(repeat x4)

(Daria, Tom, O'Neill and Brittany all jump in the pool,
mindlessly shooting each other with water squirt guns.
At that moment, Barch turns to Quinn, aims the remote
at her, and pushes the green button, turning her back
into a human.)

Quinn (spoken):
What's happened to them?
I've got to get them outa that place
before they're transmatted to some
geeky place.
I've got to be strong an' hang on
or else I might as well be......EW!!

(Upon discovering what she's wearing, Quinn gasps.)

Quinn (spoken):
How'd I wind up with THAT?!? (Shrugs) At
least it meets The Fashion Club's standards.

(Quinn wastes no time in jumping in the pool.)

Oh my oh me!! We still don't get it!!

Janet Barch is a sexist.

(Suddenly, Barch jumps up in the water.)

Parody of A Wild & Untamed Thing
Performed by Janet Barch, Timothy O'Neill,
Daria & Quinn Morgendorffer, Tom Sloane,
Brittany Taylor & Trent Lane

(While Barch sings, the others make like they're
in a water show, al la Esther Williams.)

My, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my,
my, my!!
I am a wild an' a grouchy thing
A queen bee with a lethal sting
I'll punch your lights out an' your head will ring
For it's trouble that I will bring
So let the party in Lawndale rock on
We're goin' to shake it till it's way past dawn
Lawndale my world an' glory to MTV.

(Barch and co. all jump out from the pool, and
head for the front part of the stage, doing the
dance from RHPS.)

Barch, O'Neill, Brittany, Daria, Quinn & Tom:
I am a wild an' a grouchy thing
A queen bee with a lethal sting
I'll punch your lights out an' your head will ring
For it's trouble that I will bring
So let the party in Lawndale rock on
We're goin' to shake it till it's way past dawn
Lawndale my world an' glory to MTV.

(While Barch plays her sax with passion, Quinn does
a can can dance while Brittany does her cheerleader
acrobatics right down to her splits.)

Barch, O'Neill, Brittany, Daria, Quinn & Tom:
I am a wild an' a grouchy thing
A queen bee with a lethal sting
I'll punch your lights out an' your head will ring
For it's trouble that I will bring
So let the party in Lawndale rock on
We're goin' to shake it till it's way past dawn,
dawn, dawn
Lawndale my world an' glory to MTV.

(Suddenly the double doors of the theater facing the
stage burst open, and Jane and Trent, wearing the gold
and black space outfits worn by Riff Raff and Mangenta
in RHPS step in. They're also carrying 5 foot long
black colored steel rifle type weapons with huge triggers,
laser sights and a machine gun type muzzle-----words
just don't describe them. Anyhow, Trent states to Barch,
which is also my fave part in RHPS.)

Ms. Janet Barch, it's all over!!
You're nuttin' but a bully!!
Your bigotry's extreme.
As your former student,
you're bound for unemployment!!
We return to Pennsylvania.
Prepare the transit beam........!!

Barch: Shaddap Trent!!

Trent: No, YOU shaddap, you hypocrite male hatin'
teacher!! It's all over but the shoutin'.

Jane: There's two of us an' one of you, which means the
odds stand on our side.

Barch: But with my marital arts training in my Take
Back The Night project, I can reduce those odds.

Trent: Not when we've got these.

(He and Jane aim their rifles at Barch, who, discovering
the jig is up, freaks out. Jane turns to go, but Barch
calls out.)

Barch: Wait!! I can explain everything.......!!
(To O'Neill and Brittany)Skinny, Brittany,
switch on the lights.

O'Neill & Brittany: OK, boss.

(The spotlights settle on Barch, who does a
stirring perfomance.)

Parody of I Am Going Home
Performed by Janet Barch

On the day, I went away.....

Daria, Quinn, Tom, Brittany & O'Neill:

was all Ms. Li had to say...

Daria, Quinn, Tom, Brittany & O'Neill:
Now I .......

am on the bread line, like my spouse.

Daria, Quinn, Tom, Brittany & O'Neill:
Oh, my, my.......

I just wanna track down that
crummy louse........!!
For I've seen.........gray skies!!
An' the hate in my eyes.
An' I realize........I've just been fired.

Daria, Quinn, Tom, Brittany & O'Neill:
I've just been fired.

(Barch stands up; in her mind, she can
see all the Lawndalians seated in the audience.)

Everywhere, the Lawndale Lions shout out "Shame!!"

Daria, Quinn, Tom, Brittany & O'Neill:

Like a harpy in the rain

Daria, Quinn, Tom, Brittany & O'Neill:

Male students like trash, just like on The
Blame Game.

Daria, Quinn, Tom, Brittany & O'Neill:

Cards for Trent an' cards for Jane.
For I've seen...........gray skies!!
An' the hate in my eyes.
An' I realize...........I've just been fired.

Barch, Daria, Quinn, Tom, Brittany & O'Neill:
I've just been fired
I've just been fired
I've just been..........fired..........

(Thunderous applause fills the theater till it's
replaced by the sound of fainthowling wind-------
just as Jane's voice breaks into Barch's reverie.)

Jane: How sentimental........

(You can imagine Barch's shock when she sees the
audience seats empty; only Jane and Trent remain,
and they waste no time in approaching the sadist

Trent: An' also presumptuous of you.

Barch: Shaddap, Trent!!

Trent: No, YOU shaddap. In fact you've said that to me an'
every male student of Lawndale High for the last time
----an' with good reason; y'see, when I said we'd return
to Pennsylvania, I referred ONLY to Janey an' me. Sorry
if my statement was misleading, but YOU were to remain
here in Lawndale......(Trent aims his rifle at Barch) spirit anyway.......

Quinn: YIPE!! It's a phaser!!

Trent: Right, Quinn. Phaser, short for PHASed Energy
Rectification. Behold our digital xenon strobe 7000
caliber phaser rifle, capable of emitting hyper lethal
ion pulse phaser firepower, fortified with energy from
the decibels of Metallica, Rammstein, Powerman 5000, an'
Megadeth----so now, you know.

Daria: And knowing is half the battle.

Jane: Good one, Daria. (Laughs)

Tom: Y-you mean you're going to kill her?
(points to Barch)

Trent: What do you think?

Tom: I should know better, but what was her crime?

Quinn: You should know, T.S. , DUH!! You saw what
happened to Kevin.That, an' the way she treated the
3 J's at Lawndale High!! She deserves it!! The world
must be protected----even if it means resorting to so
called necessary evils.

Trent: Exactly, Quinn. Good one though. (Laugh/coughs.)

Daria: I got to admit, it's the second brainy thing you said.

Quinn: Gee, thanks. (Laughs while she blushes.)

Trent (to Barch): An' now, Janet Barch, for all
the male students of Lawndale High, your time
hath come. Say adios to (he gestures with his rifle)
all' oblivion.

(Without warning, a shrieking Brittany runs in
between the Lane siblings and Barch.)

Brittany (Shrieking): AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!
Stop!! There'll be no deaths here!! STOP!!!!!

Jane: Now can we put her out of her misery?

Trent: Make it so, Number One.

Jane: Aye, aye, Captain------settin' the phasers to kill.

(Jane and Trent aim their rifles at Brittany and fire
salvo after salvo of phaserbolts which impale her heart;
she falls to the floor, convulsing.)

Brittany (gasping): Hang on, Kevvy........I am
comin' to join you........!!S- see you in Hell......!!
(Collapses to the floor, dead; soon after that, the
Lanes take aim at Barch.)

Trent: Now,!!


(Barch runs for the back of the stage and climbs
the Women's Lib logo,only for Jane and Trent to
shoot her down. Dying, she falls into the pool.)

O'Neill: Oh my gosh!! You killed Janet!! You bastard!!

(As you can guess, O'Neill retrieves Barch's dead
body from the pool, and carrying her, tries to
climb the logo; to cut a long story short,
Jane and Trent fire over 24 phaserbolts before
O'Neill meets the same fate as Barch. Their dead
bodies now float in the pool.)

Daria: I call that a 9.4 on the Olympic score.

Quinn: EW!! Dead bodies again!!

Jane: I thought you liked them.
They liked you.

Trent (shouting): THEY DIDN'T LIKE ME!!

Daria: That Barch never liked the males
at Lawndale High either.

Tom: Even after MTV got rid of our show,
you two did what no one could do------you
finally got rid of that sadist teacher.

Quinn: AAAAA-MEN!! You did good. For artsy
folks, you're OK by me.

Trent: Quinn, we're sorry 'bout Kevin.

Jane: Ditto. Don't worry 'bout the bodies,
we'll deal with them.

All your clothing an' your stuff is waitin' in the main foyer.

Trent: Amen, Janey. (to Quinn) You should leave,
Quinn, while you still can.We're 'bout to beam
the citidel to the planet Mystik in the galaxy
of Pennsylvania. Go.......(gestures with his
rifle.) Now!!

Daria: Step on it, all of you, they ain't jokin' !!

Tom: I hope I get paid big time at MTV's offices.

Quinn: Feets, don't fail me now.

(After Tom, Daria and Quinn hightail it out
from the theater, Trent and Jane grin at each other.)

Trent: Our noble mission is completed,
my most artful sis, an' soon we will return
to the grunge an' Alterna Palooza sound of our beloved planet.

Jane: Ah, sweet Mystik, land of art an' rock.
To sing an' dance once more to Mystik Sprial's deal with that------strum to the right.....

(We see the Lawndalians dance in the
ballroom, then we switch back to Trent and Jane.)

Trent & Jane: YO!!' with those decibels.......

(Back to the Lawndalians.)

The Lawndalians: It's sure to drive you insane.....!!

Jane: An' our world........

(Back to the Lanes.)

Jane (continued):.....will head to The Sprial Warp......again!!

(The Lanes laugh crazily while outside,
Daria, Tom and Quinn, carrying their stuff and
clothing can be seen outside the citidel.
Ahead, we see the dead bodies of Barch, O'Neill,
Brittany and Kevin; from of the citidel's
buildings, a phaser cannon takes aim,
and opens fire, turing the dead into
a roaring funeral pyre.)

Quinn: EW!!!!

Daria: Sure saves a lot on funeral expenses.

(At that moment, the citidel, high
wall and all, rises up several feet, a
transparent green sphere forms,
enveloping the whole kit and kaboodle,
before taking off fast like a rocket,
hurtling up in the sky till it's gone.)

Daria: What an exit. Well, let's go into
the sunrise.

Tom: How? Remember, I've got four
flat tires.

Quinn: Quinn to the rescue--------
follow me.

(Quinn leads Daria and Tom to where
Sandi's car is waiting.)

Tom: Ain't that Sandi's car?

Quinn: Yup. I borrowed it from her, in
exchange for my back issues of Waif.

Daria: You mean you can drive legally?

Quinn: Gosh, Daria, what do you think people
do on dates? Besides, don't you remember?
The Fashion Club an' Aunt Amy taught me to
drive till I got my license.

Daria: (sigh) Go figure. Let's go.

(And so, with Quinn at the wheel, she, Daria
and Tom head back to Lawndale, into,the rising
sun of morning in triumph.)

Parody of Super Heroes
Performed by Daria & Quinn Morgendorffer,
Tom Sloane & Claire Defoe

We've done a lot; fate knows for how long
For what we got, I've even thought.
But all I down inside, I am.

Tom, Daria & Quinn:

An' Daria's heroes come to our fans,
to do their part for MTV.
An' all I know is.......we're still.....

Tom, Daria & Quinn:

(It's back to Defoe's art room.)

And playing, on MTV space.
MTV's toons, performing heroics.....
Lost in time an' lost in space
An' meanin'.........

Tom,Daria & Quinn:

(Just before Sandi's car fades into the sunrise,
we hear Quinn.)

Quinn: Is it collage yet?

Daria: Whoo-hoo....

(Back at the art room, Defoe is back at Jane's
Arts & Crass painting.)

Defoe: "She knows she's a winner, she couldn't
be thinner, for she's careful what she eats
for breakfast, lunch and dinner. Good nutrition
rules."(Sighs) No wonder Jane chickened out
from the contest.......(To the camera)Well,
that is our story. Thanks for coming here,
I think. Good night.

(Defoe exits the art room before the lights go
out; all we can see is the illuminated world
globe before it's changed for the credits and
the alteregos of our Lawndalians-------Daria
as Robotech's Lisa Hayes, Kevin as The Tin Man
from The Wizard Of Oz, Brittany as an Italian
gondolier, Trent as Spock from Star Trek,
Jane as Sailor Moon, Barch as a diamondback
rattlesnake, O'Neill as Emeril Lagasse, Defoe
as Sattgitarius, Tom as Julius Caesar, and
Quinn as a Borg from Star Trek: The Next
Generation---------all the while with Trent's
singing voice doing the last tune.......)

Parody of Science Fiction Double Feature
Performed by Trent Lane

Science fiction, Lawndale feature
Barch just built an', lost her
Daria an' Tom, escaped from Janet
Trent an' Jane Lane just went, back
to their planet
Whoa, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh............
At the late night, Lawndale feature,
picture show. I wanna go
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh..............
To the late night..........Lawndale