Quick summary, or spoiler, whatever. It's Thanksgiving, and Jake and Helen have the sudden realization that they're ineffective parents. In an attempt at parent-child bonding, they whisk Daria and Quinn away to a private resort for the holiday. Meanwhile The Fashion Club enters the Thanksgiving pageant. For all the wrong reasons, of course. Things look pretty grim for our heroine, until Jane comes to save the day... or wreck it, depending on your perspective. Will Daria actually find something to be thankful for? Will Stacy finally get some payback? Will Trent stay awake through an entire episode? I guess you'll actually have to read this to find out. (You're standing on my neck" by Splendora plays as the Daria intro plays on the screen) Daria in: Thanks, but no Thanks-giving ACT I (Cut to a shot of Lawndale High, a school bell rings. Cut to a hallway inside. Daria and Jane are at Daria's locker. Jane watches as Daria exchanges some books. The day is Monday of Thanksgiving week.) JANE: You know, a special holiday is right around the corner... DARIA: (spooked) Where?! If I have to deal with any more holiday personifications... JANE: No, no. I meant the actual "day". Got any plans for Thanksgiving weekend? DARIA: Yep. JANE: (surprised) Might I ask what they are? DARIA: Same plans I have every weekend. Hang out at my house, count the ceiling cracks in my room, and have "bad movie night" at your place. Only this time there's a turkey involved. JANE: What's the difference? Trent's always involved at home. If you can call sleeping and rehearsing "involved". DARIA: Could we please talk about something other than your brother? JANE: OK. What "bad movie" should we watch? (smirks) How about "Titanic"? DARIA: Hmm... JANE: Anyway, there won't be much to do at my place, anyway. DARIA: Parents still out of town? JANE: Yeah, Last time I heard, Dad was shooting landscapes in the Pyranees, and Mom is having some sort of reunion with her Commune. DARIA: Jane, there are times I envy you... JANE: Me and Trent... DARIA: (matter of fact) "Trent and I" JANE: (smirks) You wish... "Trent and I" were invited to Summer's for Thanksgiving, but we turned her down. DARIA: Still not over your last encounter with your siblings? JANE: It's not that, it's just that she never invites over unless she wants us to watch some of her kids while she hunts the rest of them down... (Ms Li's voice is heard over the Intercom) LI: (VO) Attention, students! I have an exciting announcement! DARIA: (mock hopeful) She's announcing her retirement? JANE: Don't tease... LI: (VO) This Wednesday Laaaaaaaaaaawndale High's drama club will be performing its annual Thanksgiving pageant. Attendance is voluntary of course, however those students who have other plans must submit them in writing by the end of school tomorrow. That is all! JANE: Hmm, I wonder if we could get "bad movie night" in writing... DARIA: I'm sure we could, but the problem with that is, Ms. Li won't accept it. JANE: Aww, come on. It won't be so bad. Maybe we'll get to see Jodie dressed up as a turkey... (Jodie walks by) JODIE: Shut up! (Jane and Daria get a confused look on their faces.) DARIA: As much as I'd like to waste an afternoon of my life watching my classmates jump around a stage dressed up like pilgrims and Indians, I think I'll skip it. I think I'd rather "be" in that movie "Titanic" then go to this pageant... JANE: (smirks) Careful what you wish for... (Daria and Jane walk by the Fashion Club while they were talking Camera stops on the four horseman of the Fashion Apocalypse) TIFFANY: Wow... did you heat that? STACY: Quinn, why would your cousin not want to go to a pageant? QUINN: Well, she was dropped on her head when she was a baby... (nervous laugh) SANDI: As President of the Fashion Club, I move that we enter this pageant. STACY: Why? (Sandi glares at her. Stacy cringes) SANDI: Because, "Stacy", we are the fashion elite around here. You can't very well have a beauty pageant without the most (runs a hand through her hair and tosses it back) beautiful people. TIFFANY: Really... God Stacy, what were you thinking? (Stacy poops out her lip. It quivers a bit. Her eyes well up) SANDI: "Stacy"! I forbid you to cry! (Stacy gets her emotions under control.) QUINN: (puts a hand on Stacy's shoulder) It's OK, Stacy. There were just kidding. (glares at Sandi) Weren't you guys? SANDI: (glares back) Of course, "Quinn"! No one in this club would "ever" do anything to hurt another member's feelings! (Stacy smiles) STACY: So, who's going to sign us up? SANDI: (Turns her glare to Stacy) Geez, Stacy! What planet are you on?! Aren't "you" the Secretary?! Aren't "you" the one who sets up our meetings. Of course, "you" are going to sign us up! (Stacy runs off, crying) QUINN: God, Sandi. You didn't have to be so mean! SANDI: Oh, so now I'm "mean"? QUINN: (realizing her mistake) No, no what I "meant" was... um, forceful. You know how sensitive Stacy is... TIFFANY: Yeah, Stacy is soooooo emotional... SANDI: All right. Perhaps I was a little harsh on her. But it's "tough love". Very well, I will enter us in the pageant, then. (Cut to a shot outside Lawndale High. Jane and Daria are walking home. Suddenly a wail is heard. Jane and Daria turn around just in time to see Stacy run by them, crying hysterically) JANE: What's her problem? DARIA: Maybe her latest boyfriend didn't ask her out this weekend... JANE: She looks pretty upset. I hope she doesn't do anything rash... DARIA: Like what? JANE: I don't know. Like running in the road and accidentally getting hit by a car, or running off to Japan to pilot giant robots, or something... DARIA: You've been watching too much anime... (Cut to the Lane house. Daria and Jane enter the shot walking down the sidewalk towards the house.) JANE: Wanna come in for awhile? (Suddenly the whole house shakes. A VERY loud guitar sound is the cause.) DARIA: As much as I'd like to, I don't think I can handle Trent's unique musical expression. Later. JANE: Later. (Cut to the Morgendorffer kitchen. Monday night. It's the usual scene. Jake is reading the newspaper. Helen is pacing while on her cell phone, and Daria and Quinn are poking at their microwave lasagna.) HELEN: (into her phone) NO! We are not going to settle!... Yes I know your client will be publicly humiliated by this litigation, that's why my client is doing this. Fine, I'll inform her of your offer. (hissing) Goodbye! (To her family) Ugh! What is wrong with these people? Calling with business when I'm "trying" to have a quiet dinner with my family. DARIA: And you've been trying so hard... for about fifteen years. HELEN: Daria! (getting sweet) So how was your day? DARIA: (deadpan) Went to school, did schoolwork, came home. The usual teenage hijinks. HELEN: Daria, do you always have to be so closed off? DARIA: Oh, I'm not. In fact, I'm the poster child of outgoing friendliness. It's just too bad that whenever I'm open and want to talk, you just happen to be on the phone. (Phone rings. Quinn picks up immediately) QUINN: Hello? (fake enthusiasm.) Oh, Hi, Sandi! (Quinn leaves the room) DARIA: I see that trait is genetic... HELEN: All right, maybe I "have" been neglecting you and Quinn... but at least I'm "trying", Daria... (Daria looks at her, expressionless.) HELEN: Whenever I do talk to you, you always make some smartass joke instead of trying to communicate. (Daria is stunned. She's not used to Helen beating her in a logical argument.) (Quinn enters, looking annoyed.) QUINN: Daria, it's for you. It's that weird art girl... (Daria takes the phone and leaves) HELEN: So, Quinn, how was your day? (Quinn takes a big breath, then let's loose with the events of her day.) QUINN: Well first, Joey, Jeffy and Jamie... (Cut to a shot of Daria's room, the screen then splits to show Jane in her room.) DARIA: Hey, weird art girl... JANE: Hey, Quinn's cousin. DARIA: What's up? JANE: I thought we could have "Bad movie night" tonight. Wanna come over? DARIA: But what about Trent's tremor inducing guitar playing? JANE: Oh, don't worry. I threw him out. They're rehearsing at Jesse's. DARIA: OK. It beats this place... JANE: What's wrong this time? DARIA: My mother is getting all maternal on me again... JANE: RUN!!!!!! GET OUT OF THERE, MAN!!!!! (Cut to the Morgendorffer living room. Jake is flipping channels, Helen sits next to him, looking bummed out.) (Quinn enters) QUINN: Date's here, gotta go! (Quinn leaves. Helen looks as though she wanted to say something, but Quinn is gone before she can.) HELEN: (sighs) JAKE: What was that, honey? (Daria enters) DARIA: Going to Jane's... (Again, Helen looks as though she tries to talk, but Daria's gone.) HELEN: Ugh! JAKE: (stops flipping channels.) Ooh! Football! HELEN: Jake, are we "bad" parents? JAKE: Huh? HELEN: The girls don't even talk to us anymore. They're always off doing things or ignoring us... JAKE: Um, sure. Whatever you say, Helen... HELEN: (switching off the TV) Dammit, Jake! I'm trying to talk to you! Can't you do anything except blindly agreeing with me? JAKE: Sorry, honey... it's just that I've got fifty bucks on this game, and I... HELEN: Oh, yes! That's "far" more important than our daughters! They're not going to be here much longer, you know. If we want them to even acknowledge us in our old age, we have to do something! JAKE: Hmm... (looks at his newspaper) Hey! It's Thanksgiving week! HELEN: What? (looks at the paper.) Where does the time go? JAKE: You know, the girls are off of school after tomorrow... HELEN: Yes! We could go somewhere to spend the holiday together (gets a dreamy tone) like a family... (Cut to the Lane house. Tuesday morning. Daria and Jane finish dressing for school and are about to head out the door.) JANE: I didn't think "Titanic" would be THAT bad... DARIA: Really. I had a really weird dream last night about it... JANE: Really? (phone rings) Hold that thought (Jane picks up the phone) JANE: Yo!... Yeah, she's here. (To Daria.) It's your mom. DARIA: Hello? (Split-screen to show Helen driving in her SUV, talking on her cell phone.) HELEN: I've got wonderful news, sweetie! DARIA: You got me that pony I asked you for my fifth birthday? HELEN: No... I've made reservations at Chestnut Groves for us to spend Thanksgiving. DARIA: OK. When do we get to the wonderful news? HELEN: I spoke to Ms. Li. The wonderful news is you don't have to go to that pageant. DARIA: Good one... HELEN: Anyway, I'd like you to come straight home after school so you can pack. We'll be there tonight through Thursday night. I want us to spend the holiday like a family. DARIA: And Friday, Saturday, and Sunday away from each other until the homicidal rages subside. HELEN: (nervous chuckles) No, no, that's not why, sweetie. DARIA: Eric is making work the holiday weekend to make up for the days off, isn't he? HELEN: (defeated) Yes, Daria. DARIA: Wow, Mom. Your "leave everything behind for your family" plans are off to a great start. (hangs up) (Full screen shot of Helen. Dial tone is heard) HELEN: Damn! (Helen throws her phone down and accidentally swerves when she does. Helen loses control of the car for a moment. She finally gets the car straight again.) (Cut back to the Lane house.) JANE: All quiet on the home front? DARIA: Yes. But it's always quiet before an all-out war starts... JANE: O... K. DARIA: I'll tell you about it on the way. (Daria and Jane open the front door to leave. Trent walks in as they do.) TRENT: Hey, Janey. Daria. JANE: You're just now getting home? Where were you? TRENT: Umm... JANE: Wait! Don't tell me. Rehearsal. Ran late. DARIA (smirking) Or early. JANE: Whatever. (Trent laughs and coughs.) TRENT: Something like that. Where are you guys off to? DARIA: Um... school. TRENT: Oh, yeah. You guys are still in high school. Well, have fun. (Trent leaves) JANE: Oh, yeah. We'll have lots of fun. We can work on our evil plans to escape Ms. Li's stupid pageant. DARIA: Already got one. JANE: Wow, you're pretty quick. Fill me in. (Cut to a shot of Lawndale High. Daria and Jane are walking down a hall) JANE: Whoa... Pageant surrounded by people you can't stand, or Turkey dinner with people you can't stand? DARIA: I have no choice. Too bad we won't get to see Jodie in her turkey outfit... (Jodie walks by with a smile on her face.) JODIE: You wouldn't see that anyway. We got some more people to volunteer. JANE: Who? (Jodie points over at the Fashion Club.) DARIA: The Fashion fiends want to be in the Thanksgiving pageant? JODIE: Sandi was so anxious, she practically begged me to be let into the pageant. JANE: Hmm... does she perhaps think that this is a beauty pageant? JODIE: Hmm. Maybe I should tell her that it isn't. (Jodie starts to leave, but Daria stops her) DARIA: Do that, and it will be you playing that turkey in that stupid show. Who would you rather it be? You or them? (Jodie looks guilty but then remembers what would happen if Sandi knew the truth. She simply walks away.) JANE: That was a cruel, sadistic, and outright evil thing to do to Sandi... DARIA: So? JANE: So, you won't be in town to see it... too bad. DARIA: I'm sure you and that damned camera of yours will be lurking somewhere... get me a few pictures. JANE: (looking sad.) OK. (Cut to the girl's bathroom where the Fashion Club are fixing their makeup. Quinn looks VERY upset.) QUINN: So, then she's like "We have to spend time together as a family" or something. My life is OVER! SANDI: (fake sympathy) Gee, Quinn. That's too, too bad. That means you can't, like, be in the beauty pageant. TIFFANY: That's soooooooo wrong! QUINN: I know! This is SO not fair! STACY: (genuine sympathy) It won't be the same without you there, Quinn... SANDI: (glaring) Yeah, but Tiffany and I will manager without you, or something. STACY: What about me, Sandi? SANDI: (false guilt) Oh, I'm sorry, Stacy. When "I" signed up the Fashion Club, I forgot about you! STACY: (Tears welling up) You forgot?! SANDI: Well, had "you" performed "your" duties as Secretary, this mix-up would not have occurred... (Stacy runs out of the bathroom crying. Quinn glares at Sandi and walks out of the bathroom.) TIFFANY: (oblivious to all) Does this blouse make me look fat? (Cut to a shot of a hallway. Jodie and Mack are walking together when Stacy runs up to them.) STACY: (crying) Please! You have to let me in the pageant! JODIE: Um, Well, the last day to sign up was yesterday... STACY: Come on! you have to let me into the beauty pageant! MACK: Actually, it isn't... (Jodie elbows him) Oof! JODIE: Stacy, are you really sure you want to flaunt yourself on stage just because the other Fashion Club members are? STACY: Yes! (Jodie looks torn. She sees Sandi, who has been watching and smirking at Stacy's hysterics.) JODIE: Sorry, Stacy. The pageant is booked. (Stacy lets out a loud wail.) JODIE: We need to talk about this "pageant". Meet me after school? (Stacy nods. then walks off.) MACK: What are you doing? JODIE: Nothing... (smirks) It's Stacy that's going to be "doing" something. (Mack shrugs and he and Jodie leave.) (Cut to the Morgendorffer house. Daria and Jane are in Daria's room.) JANE: Ready to begin the gargantuan project of packing for a two-night stay? (Daria casually throws a small pile of clothes into a suitcase and closes it) DARIA: Done. JANE: So, now what? DARIA: Well, Mom won't be home for a few hours. That will give Quinn just enough time to pack. (Daria flicks on the TV. Sick, Sad World music plays) ANNOUNCER: Are blood-thirsty turkeys hunting YOU for Thanksgiving dinner? Turkeys out for revenge! Next! On Sick, Sad World! (Jane looks bummed out again. Daria flicks off the TV) DARIA: OK, what's wrong? JANE: Huh? DARIA: You've been moping since you heard about this trip I'm taking. JANE: I haven't been moping... just sounds boring spending the holiday by myself. DARIA: But I thought you wanted to be alone at Thanksgiving... with a TV dinner. JANE: I've never spent a holiday with my family before... DARIA: Come on. You're exaggerating. JANE: No, I'm not. Last Christmas, I woke up to find a box next to my door. Inside was some cash and a note. "Feel free to buy your own present. Love Mom and Dad". DARIA: Oh. Well, you're not missing much. All that sentimental crap you see on TV is just as phony as those predatory turkeys... JANE: Yeah, probably. It'd just be nice to try it for once... (Jane gets up to leave.) (Cut to a shot of the hallway. Unknown to Daria and Jane, Helen has come home early and had been listening in on their conversation. Helen hears Jane's footsteps and quickly leaves.) JANE: Gimme a call when you get there, OK? DARIA: (VO from inside her room) Sure. (Jane heads for the front door. She opens it and is about to go through it.) HELEN: (VO) Jane? (Jane stops and turns to see Helen coming down the stairs.) JANE: Oh, hi, Mrs. Morgendorffer. HELEN: I suppose Daria's told you we're going away for the holiday. JANE: Yeah, looks like I'll have to start that ten-state homicide spree without her. HELEN: Do you have any plans? JANE: Uh, sure... lots of them... (Helen looks at her knowingly) JANE: ... Just gimme some time to think them up... HELEN: Are your parents out of town again? JANE: Yeah. (Helen puts an arm on Jane's shoulder. Jane shudders a bit.) HELEN: Would you like to come with us? JANE: Um, I'm not sure I'd fit in, you know, this is more of a family thing. HELEN: Oh, come on, you're over here all the time, or Daria is over at your house, you're practically "family" already! JANE: (smirking) Doesn't Daria wish... HELEN: What? JANE: Nothing! (Jane sees Daria coming down the staircase. Helen doesn't see her.) HELEN: So, will you come along? (Jane looks past Helen at Daria, as if asking if it's OK. Daria smiles and nods. Jane then smirks.) JANE: Well, I don't know... (Daria's smile is instantly gone. She senses Jane's next move.) JANE: I don't think I could leave Trent high and dry like that. (Daria begins waving her hands and shaking her head 'no') HELEN: Well, we will be pretty cramped if we take him... JANE: He is my "family" I don't wanna go without him... (Daria glares) HELEN: Well, why not? Trent can come too! JANE: Great! I'll go tell him the good news. (Jane goes to the phone. Daria comes down the stairs.) HELEN: Daria, I've invited Jane and Trent to come along with us, is that all right? DARIA: (deadpan) Oh, yeah. This will be lots of fun... End ACT I COMMERCIALS: 10 spot promo JOHNNY GOMEZ: On the next CELEBRITY DEATHMATCH! NICK DIAMOND: The results of our deathmatch poll are in, and the fight you wanna see most is... JOHNNY: Lawndale Fashion Club Secretary Stacy Rowe vs. Fashion Club President Sandi Griffin! NICK: That's right, Johnny! This matchup has received a whopping 3,564,398 votes! A new fan voting record! There must be a lot of desire out there to see these two so-called friends tear each other's throats out! JOHNNY: 3 million? Let me see that, Nick... Hey! All these votes have come from the same person who just voted over and over! (looks closely at the voting tally) Someone named Austin... 'STONE COLD' STEVE AUSTIN: Hey, don't look at me, I don't even know who the hell those girls are... NICK: (snatching the results from Johnny) You heard it here first, folks! Stacy vs. Sandi right here on CELEBRITY DEATHMATCH! End commercials ACT II (Driveway of Morgendorffer home. Tuesday evening. Daria, Helen, Jake, and Quinn are busy loading the SUV. Jane and Trent approach.) HELEN: Good, they're here. JAKE: Who? HELEN: Jake, I told you "three" times already. We're taking Daria's friends. JAKE: Why aren't we taking Quinn's friends too? QUINN: Because I have more friends than I could possibly use on this trip... DARIA: "Use" being the key word... HELEN: Daria! TRENT: Hey, Daria. DARIA: (blushing) Um, hey... JANE: (waves a hand over Daria's eyes) Hey. DARIA: (snaps out of it.) Hey, Jane. JAKE: (gives a thumbs-up) Ready to go, kids?! TRENT, JANE, QUINN, DARIA: (unenthusiastically) Yeah... (Jake and Helen sit up front. Quinn takes one of the middle seats. Trent sits in the back. Jane quickly sits next to Quinn.) JANE: (smirks) No more room here. Sorry, Daria. DARIA: That's OK. They'll be plenty of room on the way back... (under her breath) after I dump your body. TRENT: (motioning to Daria) Room for one more back here, Daria. (Cut to a shot of a freeway. Tuesday night. Quinn is asleep in her seat, as is Helen. Jake looks as though he may nod off as well. Jane looks back and sees Trent asleep... leaning on Daria. She's bright red.) JANE: Aww, isn't that cute? DARIA: (furious) Hate you... kill you... JANE: Well, at least I'll go to my grave knowing you and Trent slept together... (Daria reaches with her free hand and punches the back of Jane's seat. Trent wakes up.) TRENT: (realizing he'd been leaning on Daria.) Oh... sorry, Daria. DARIA: Um... no problem. TRENT: Where are we going? DARIA: Chestnut Groves. It's some resort upstate. TRENT: Why? DARIA: Um, didn't Jane tell you anything about this trip? TRENT: Not really. She said "Daria needs our help. Her life depends on it." I thought you were having an operation or something. DARIA: (kicks the back of Jane's chair) Thanks, Jane... (muffled laughter is heard) TRENT: So, where are we going? DARIA: We're spending Thanksgiving with my family, Trent... (Zoom-in on Trent's face. A look of horror appears. Trent passes out.) DARIA: I scared him to death... JANE: (smirking) Well, maybe you can wake him up with "Love's first kiss" (Daria kicks Jane's chair again.) JANE: OW! (Cut to a shot of Chestnut Groves. It is about 11:30 PM. Everyone is awake. Jake leaves the office, sporting a key.) JAKE: We're in bungalow 5. (yawns) Man, am I bushed? TRENT: (smirking) Come on, man... it's early. (They all look at him, shocked) TRENT: What? You think I sleep all night, too? (The group gets to their bungalow. They quickly find it has only two bedrooms.) HELEN: How will we handle the sleeping arrangements? JANE: Hey, Daria, you could share a room with... (Daria elbows her) oof! TRENT: (sits on the couch) Whoa... dibs on the couch! (They all look at Jane, confused) JANE: Ahh, he sleeps on the couch more at home than his own bed, anyway... HELEN: Well, then I guess we can put the girls up in one room, and Jake and I will take the other. JAKE: OK. (heads toward one of the bedrooms.) I'm going to sleep. HELEN: Ugh! (sarcastically) You're so romantic, Jake... JANE: Well, now I know where you get your sarcastic attitude, Daria. QUINN: Well, I HAVE to get some sleep before I get some of those really gross circles under my eyes, night everyone! (Quinn leaves.) (Trent picks up a remote and flicks on the TV. He finds HBO. it's showing "Titanic" for the 8000th time) TRENT: You guys wanna watch this? (Jane and Daria glare at him) TRENT: Sorry. I thought chicks liked this movie. (Daria and Jane sit on the couch, but Jane gets back up right away.) JANE: (smirking) Why don't I get us some sodas, or something? DARIA: No thanks, Jane, I don't... TRENT: (interrupting) Cool. Thanks, Janey. DARIA: (glaring) Yeah, thanks Jane... (Jane leaves.) (Trent flips through some more channels and stops. The picture is scrambled. However from the cheesy music playing, it's obvious that it's an "adult" channel.) TRENT: (smirking) We could watch this... DARIA: (deadpan) Yeah... if we could actually see it. TRENT (laughing) Good one, Daria. (Two voices are heard on the scrambled channel.) FEMALE VOICE: Oh, yes, Trent! (Daria smirks and Trent blushes) MALE VOICE: Oh... Daria! Yeah! DARIA: AHHHH! (Daria snatches the remote from Trent and changes the channel.) TRENT: (laughs and coughs) Aww, turn it back. It was just getting good. DARIA: (stunned) It was? TRENT: I'm kidding, Daria. (gently punches her shoulder) You gotta lighten up. (Daria breathes a sigh of relief) DARIA: Sorry you got dragged here. Jane should have told you where we were going. TRENT: Don't worry about it. The other guys in Mystik Spiral are with their families, so it's not like I had anything else to do anyway. (silence) TRENT: Oh, geez... DARIA: What? TRENT: No, it's stupid. I just had this ridiculous idea. DARIA: Tell me. TRENT: Well, Since me and Monique split up, Janey's been doing weird stuff. DARIA: Like? TRENT: Well, she's been leaving us alone together a lot... it's almost like she wants to set us up. (laughs) Pretty paranoid, huh? DARIA: (nervous) Um... yeah. No way Jane would do something crazy like that... TRENT: Yeah. Told you it was stupid... (Jane returns with some drinks.) JANE: What did I miss? DARIA: (Smirking) Daria and Trent's sex scene... JANE: WHAT?! TRENT: Too bad you missed it, too. It was pretty intense... (Jane runs away to her room.) TRENT: (laughs and coughs) Good one, Daria... DARIA: (smirking) That will teach Jane to keep you in the dark about road trips. (thought VO) and to stop with her yenta crap. (Daria gets up and heads to her room.) DARIA: Well, I'm gonna turn in. Good night, Trent. TRENT: Night, Daria. (Daria leaves. Trent smirks and changes the channel back to the "adult" channel Two new voices are heard.) MALE VOICE: Mmmmm, Jane... (Trent arches an eyebrow.) FEMALE VOICE: Oh, Jesse... TRENT: Ahh! (turns off the TV.) (Cut to a shot of Chestnut Groves. Wednesday morning. Daria is the first out of bed. She makes herself some toast and tea. Soon everyone but Trent is having breakfast. Quinn is on the phone) HELEN: Well, today I thought we could all do something together! DARIA: We're already doing that. Were eating breakfast together... HELEN: You "know" what I mean, Daria... Quinn! We can't afford for you to run up the phone bill! QUINN: Mo-om! This is important Sandi is telling me what she's going to do for the beauty pageant at school! (Daria and Jane smirk) HELEN: Beauty pageant? But I thought it was... DARIA: Um, you're right, Mom. We should go out and do something! HELEN: You mean it, Daria? DARIA: Um, sure... (thought VO) What I have to go through to humiliate the Fashion Club... (Cut to Lawndale High. We see Stacy standing backstage, waiting. Jodie enters wearing a pilgrim costume.) STACY: You know, you don't stand a chance to win this pageant if you don't at least let your hair down. (Stacy removes Jodie's hat. Jodie snatches it back from her.) JODIE: (putting the hat back on) Listen, Stacy, this isn't what you think... STACY: Oh, you're going to take that off in the middle of your runway walk and model a bathing suit, or something? JODIE: NO! This isn't a freaking beauty pageant! STACY: (confused) It isn't? JODIE: No, it's a small play about the first ever Thanksgiving. STACY: Oh my gosh! I've got to tell Sandi and Tiffany! They'll totally embarrass themselves! JODIE: Do you "really" want to do that, Stacy? STACY: What do you mean? JODIE: Don't you want to teach Sandi a lesson for walking all over you? STACY: I don't know... letting them go through with this will be really mean. JODIE: (coldly) So was what Sandi said to you yesterday... (Sandi and Tiffany enter, Jodie leaves before they see her.) SANDI: Stacy! What are you doing here... you're not "in" the pageant! STACY: Um... Uh... I... SANDI : (impatient) Well?! STACY: (sweetly) I just came by to wish you guys luck! SANDI: (surprised) Oh.. Well, uh, thanks, or something. TIFFANY: Yeah, you're such a good friend, Stacy... STACY: I'll be watching in the stands... (smirks) I'll be watching the whole thing. (Stacy leaves) SANDI: God, Stacy is such a follower... TIFFANY: Yeah... what's a follower? (Cut to Chestnut Groves. Daria and Jane are in the living room. Trent is asleep on the couch. Jane is painting a rendition of "Sleeping Beauty" except she's using Trent as a model.) DARIA: Come on! JANE: Nope. DARIA: Uh... pretty please with Tom on top? JANE: Now you're just pissing me off with your damn teasing... DARIA: Come on, you like museums. JANE: Oh, because I'm an artist, I like museums? DARIA: Um... uh... (A car honk is heard. Daria leaves.) (Cut back to Lawndale High. Ms. Li is backstage with the cast of the Thanksgiving pageant.) SANDI: Ugh! You want us to be dressed like turkeys?! TIFFANY: That's sooo wrong! LI: Well, you've already signed up. Try to back out now, and I'll revoke your club's charter! SANDI: That's like, blackmail, or something... (Cut to a shot of the main stage. The curtain opens to show a large table and numerous chairs. In the background large pieces of wood are painted to look like houses. Brittany, dresses as Sarah Miller, enters with her husband, played by Kevin.) BRITTANY: (fumbling her lines) Oh... um... Kevvy! It was so... nice that the ... naive Americans... (snickering from the audience) MR. O'NEILL: (whispering) Psst! "native" Americans! BRITTANY: Native Americans... will join us for this thanksgiving feast! KEVIN: Native Americans? I thought they were Indians, babe! (more snickering) O'NEILL: Kevin! That's not the line! KEVIN: Oh, yeah! My line! Um, Welcome to nutty, nutty, world! No, wait, that's not right... (Just then, Andrea enters, dressed as an Indian, she leads a group of anonymous people who play Indians.) ANDREA: (raises her right hand) How? How, indeed? How could I be so stupid as to trust your lies? How could I believe we could live in peace when all you wanted to do was drive us off our land, kill anyone who opposes you, and destroy all we hold dear? How could I know you would then turn this spectacle of our fatal mistake into a national holiday, to be celebrated and commercialized for centuries to come?! (Cut to backstage) LI: What the hell?! O'NEILL: Andrea! Those aren't the lines! ANDREA: Hey, I "spoke". What else do you want from me? (storms off the stage) (The audience is laughing the whole time) (O'neill frantically waves to Jodie to move the play along. Jodie smiles as she ushers out Tiffany and Sandi, dressed as turkeys, onto the stage. The audience roars with laughter as flash bulbs start going off.) UPCHUCK: (yelling from the audience) There's a couple of Thanksgiving meals I'd like to sink my teeth into.. Rooooooooowlllllll!!!!!!!! (We see a shadowy figure sneak out of the auditorium. The viewer can't identify him or her.) (Cut to the Morgendorffer bungalow at Chestnut Groves. Wednesday afternoon. Jane is putting her latest creation and her art supplies away. Trent is still snoozing. Helen enters, furious) JANE: Hey, Mrs. Mor... (Helen enters her room and slams the door) Okay... (Quinn enters, looking equally furious.) JANE: Um, Quinn, what happ... (Quinn ignores her, goes to the other bedroom and slams the door) Hmm... 0-for-2. (Daria enters, again, furious.) JANE: I take it the family bonding didn't go well. DARIA: (angry) No... it... did... not. Talk... later... after... rage... fades... (Daria leaves) JANE: Actually, this isn't much different than my usual holidays. (Trent wakes up suddenly) TRENT: Ahh! (looks around) Oh, hey, Janey. JANE: Bad dream? TRENT: Yeah... I had this crazy nightmare that I was in that movie "Titanic"... JANE: Hmm... that movie has been inspiring some weird dreams lately... (Cut to a shot of Lawndale High. Sandi and Tiffany are in their regular clothes again.) SANDI: This was just some stupid play! Why the hell did they say there was going to be a pageant?! (Stacy enters.) SANDI: Stacy, why didn't you tell us about this?! STACY: (fake guilt) Oh, I'm sorry, Sandi... but "you" did sign up the Fashion Club. Why didn't "you" know about it wasn't a beauty pageant? SANDI: Are you suggesting that this is "my" fault?! STACY: (smirking) Oh, no Sandi... I'm just a Secretary... I'm not "nearly" as smart as you are, how could you expect me to know this wasn't really a pageant? (Sandi leaves, glaring) TIFFANY: So, this really "wasn't" a beauty pageant? (Stacy runs out, barely able to contain her laughter.) TIFFANY: What? Does this outfit make me look fat? (Cut to the Morgendorffer bungalow. Wednesday night. They're eating Chinese takeout. Helen, Jake, Daria, Quinn, Jane, and Trent are in total silence as they eat.) HELEN: (thought VO) One lousy holiday! That's all I ask! Can't Daria and Quinn put aside their attitudes and just be nice to everyone for a few days?! JAKE: (thought VO) I wonder who won that game Monday night... DARIA: (thought VO) All right, I could sneak into mom's room and steal the keys, then get Jane to help load Trent in the SUV, then be out of here before sunup... with any luck we can make it to the border before they know we're gone... QUINN: (thought VO) Ugh! Who does that guy think he is?! He still hasn't called. He's cute and all, but there are a hundred guys back home who would kill to have my number... TRENT: (thought VO) We really should change the name... Mmm... these fried eggrolls kick ass! Hey! "Ladies and Gentleman... FRIED EGGROLLS!"... Hmm, nah. JANE: (thought VO) Daria wasn't kidding. this family holiday crap is way overrated... (The six finish their meal without speaking. Everyone except Helen leaves the table. When she thinks she's alone. She buries her head in her hands. Some muffled sobs are heard. Cut to a shot of the doorway. We see Daria, who has been watching. She looks a bit guilty, then leaves.) (Cut to the living room where Jane and Trent are watching TV. Daria joins them.) JANE: So that "sex scene" last night was between a Daria and Trent on TV, eh? TRENT: Yeah. We had you pretty good, huh? JANE: (grumbles) No you didn't. I knew it was a joke... DARIA: Well, it might have been. You don't know what happened after you went to bed. TRENT: And you never will... (Trent and Daria smirk. Jane looks stunned) (Trent changes the channel and comes across the "adult channel" One voice is heard) MALE VOICE: Ooh, yeah, Quinn... (Quinn enters and looks furious) QUINN: AHH! He "promised" me that he turned the camera off! (Quinn goes to her room and slams the door, leaving Jane, Daria, and Trent looking VERY confused.) (Daria gets up and leaves.) (Cut to a shot of the bungalow's porch. Daria is sitting alone.) TRENT: (VO) Hey, Daria. (Trent enters) DARIA: Hey. TRENT: What's wrong? DARIA: My mother is trying to make up for a lifetime of neglect in one weekend, and failing miserably at it... that's what's the matter. TRENT: Hey, at least your Mom is in town for more than a week at a time. (chuckles) DARIA: No... she isn't. TRENT: Huh? DARIA: She's either at her office or on her damn cell phone. After years of putting her career first, she let Quinn and I get more and more detached. Now she's mad that we're not all sentimental when she takes a few days off... TRENT: At least she's trying, Daria... DARIA: (stunned) What? TRENT: Your folks did take the time to take us up here, away from it all, so you guys could bond. Why not make an effort? Then if it doesn't work, you'll know you at least tried to be close to your mom... (Daria is speechless) TRENT: Think about it, Daria. (Trent leaves.) (Cut to a shot of the living room. Jane is on the couch watching the "adult channel" Trent sneaks up behind her.) TRENT: (a little louder than usual) Hey, Janey! JANE: Ahh! Oh, um... I was uh... flipping channels? (blushes) (Trent smirks) END ACT II COMMERCIALS: 10 spot promo JOHNNY GOMEZ: On the next CELEBRITY DEATHMATCH! NICK DIAMOND: A deathmatch long in the making will come to bear next week, when 'Daria' fanfic writers C.E. Forman and Diane Long will battle it out to the bloody end! JOHNNY: That's right, Nick! These two have long disagreed on what they call "the shipper debate". Roll tape! (Clay versions of Diane and C.E. are seen in the Deathmatch press booth.) C.E.: Nothing will come of it, Diane. Daria and Trent are just friends. DIANE: "Just friends" is how a deep, fulfilling romance starts! C.E.: (getting angry) No, Diane. It's strictly platonic! They're never going to be together! DIANE: (getting equally angry) Once Trent finds out Daria likes him, they'll be inseparable! (C.E. and Diane lunge for each other and start punching and kicking each other) C.E.: They're 'ow!' friends! DIANE: No, they're 'gahh!' soulmates MILLS LANE: All right you two! Break it up! Save it for the ring! (Mills breaks them up.) JOHNNY: Once and for all, this debate between these two will be settled once and for all. NICK: And with a heaping helping of blood and gore! Don't miss it! JOHNNY: C.E. vs. Diane next time on... CELEBRITY DEATHMATCH! END Commercials ACT III (Morgendorffer Bungalow. Thursday morning. Daria is in the kitchen. Jane enters.) JANE: Mmmm... need... coffee... DARIA: Didn't sleep well? JANE: I think that stupid Titanic dream is contagious... DARIA: You too? JANE: Yeah. You're up bright and early. DARIA: I've been doing some thinking. JANE: What about? DARIA: About what Trent said last night. JANE: Hmm... you... Trent... last night... Ooh la la... DARIA: You're so sick minded... JANE: (smirking) Yeah, that's what you like about me. DARIA: Trent actually was pretty insightful. He's right. I complain when Mom is closed off, but at least she tries. I haven't even done that much. JANE: So... DARIA: Yes. I'm going to swallow my pride and make mom happy today. That oughtta give her plenty to be thankful for... (Cut to the living room. Helen enters looking depressed.) DARIA: (sweetly) Good morning, Mom! HELEN: (surprised) Oh, Good Morning, Daria. DARIA: I thought maybe we could talk. HELEN: About what? DARIA: Oh, I dunno. Mother-daughter stuff, I guess. JANE: I think I better leave you two alone. (Jane leaves.) (Cut to the living room. Jane enters. Trent is asleep on the couch. Jake enters.) JAKE: Hey, Jane-o. JANE: Hey, Jake-o. JAKE: How about we get out of the house for awhile. I have to go pick up the meal. Wanna come? JANE: (thought VO) Well, I did want to try this "family thing" (out loud) OK. JAKE: Come on, Quinn, we're leaving! JANE: Quinn's coming?! JAKE: Yeah, it'll be just the three of us! (Jane looks over at Trent with a "Please help me!" look.) JANE: Oh, hell. Let's go... (Cut to the kitchen. Daria and Helen are seated at the table.) HELEN: And she left you alone with him and ran off into a corn field?! (laughs) DARIA: Yep. But I did get to hear a wonderful concert of one chord Trent played over and over... HELEN: How silly! Why would Jane go to all that trouble to set you two up? I mean, it would only make sense if you had a crush on him... Daria? DARIA: Uh-oh... HELEN: (looks into the living room to make sure Trent is asleep) Do you have a crush on Trent? DARIA: Define "crush"... HELEN: I'm serious Daria. You can tell me, I'm your mother. DARIA: Well, there is some infatuation there, yes. HELEN: No wonder Jane is trying so hard. DARIA: Too hard for her own good. HELEN: Oh, don't be mad at her. Willow used to do much more to set Jake and I up when were in college... (sighs) DARIA: You got the yenta act from your best friend, too? HELEN: I think everyone has at some point. DARIA: And it actually worked?! HELEN: No. Once Willow stopped interfering, Jake and I came together on our own. If it's meant to be, it will be. Jane will figure that out sooner or later. DARIA: Before or after I strangle her? (Helen and Daria chuckle.) HELEN: Try to remember, she means well. Although I was hoping your crush was less of a... (catches herself) I'm sorry, Daria. I didn't mean anything. DARIA: You can say it, Mom. Trent is a dead-beat. (smirks) HELEN: Well, he seems like a very nice young man. DARIA: When he's awake... (they chuckle again) HELEN: Now what were those other boys like? DARIA: What other boys? HELEN: The ones you spent so much time with in Highland... (Cut to a copy shop in Lawndale. A clerk is offering an envelope to the camera.) CLERK: Here you go, one thousand blow-up copies of those pictures. (We see a hand reach from behind the camera to take the package.) (Cut back to the bungalow kitchen. Helen looks angry.) HELEN: Why, those little bastards! They called you "Diarrhea"? DARIA: And chanted... they weren't all bad, though. I did make quite a bit of money off of their stupidity... (doorbell rings. Helen gets up to answer it.) HELEN: That's probably Jake with the food. DARIA: Uh, Mom? HELEN: Yes, sweetie? DARIA: I'd appreciate it if you didn't, um... HELEN: (crosses her heart) It's our secret, Daria... (Helen leaves. Jane enters carrying bags of food. She sets them down on the table in a huff.) DARIA: So, how was your family holiday? JANE: I want my TV dinner... DARIA: I guess the grass wasn't so green on my side of the fence after all. JANE: First, there were several near-death experiences on the drive to the store when your dad thought it was a good idea to honk and flip off EVERYone that get in front of him, Quinn spent the entire time chattering away on your mom's cell phone, and this creepy stockboy followed us around the entire time giving me "looks". On top of it all, I had to carry all the stuff when your Dad sprained his wrist slamming the counter when the total was rung up. I asked your sister for help, silly me. She informed me of the many perils of lifting anything more than four ounces that threaten her precious nails. DARIA: Suddenly, opening up to my mom doesn't sound so bad... JANE: Oh, yeah, the bonding thing. How'd it go? DARIA: Surprisingly well. I told her things I haven't told you yet. JANE: (arches an eyebrow) Like what? DARIA: Beavis and Butt-head, for starters... JANE: (incredulously) BUTT-head?! (smirks) I have to hear this... (Cut to the Thanksgiving meal. Thursday afternoon. All six Lawndalians are gathered around the table.) HELEN: How shall we begin? (Trent nods off. his head bows when it does.) JAKE: Bow our heads and pray. Good idea, Trent! TRENT: (stirs) Huh? DARIA: I think we're supposed to start by carving the turkey. JAKE: (Starts to carve, but aggravates his sprained wrist.) Gahh! Damn bird! HELEN: Stress, Jakey! Remember what the doctor said... JAKE: That Daria's rash was due to anxiety? HELEN: Ugh! Nevermind. (Helen proceeds to carve the turkey) DARIA: (thought VO) Someone carving something helpless to little bits before devouring it. Yep, she's a lawyer... (smirks) JANE: Are you OK? DARIA: What do you mean? JANE: Nothing. (Suddenly, Helen's cell phone rings She answers it.) HELEN: (sweetly) Hellooooo! Oh, Eric. (Daria looks away) DARIA: (thought VO) I open up to her, I talk to her, I even keep my jokes to myself, and she can't give up that damn phone for one day... I give up. HELEN: (sees Daria's expression.) No, I can't make it. (Daria perks up.) I'll get right on it first thing Monday morning. (Daria smiles.) QUINN: Is this the non-fat, low sodium, unsalted mashed potatoes, because I just bought some new outfits, and it would be soooo bad if I put on some weight before we got back. (Daria shakes her head) DARIA: (thought VO) Can't win 'em all, I guess. (Trent reaches in Daria's direction.) DARIA: What are you looking for, Trent? JANE: (smirking)I think he's reaching for a breast... (Daria kicks her under the table) Ow! TRENT: Actually, I wanted a drumstick... (Trent takes a drumstick from the table.) (Helen watches knowingly and smiles) (Cut to later. Jane and Daria are bagging up leftovers. Jake is leaning back in his chair, stuffed. He lets out a loud belch.) HELEN: Jake! JAKE: It's considered a compliment in some countries... HELEN: Well, in this one, it's just plain disgusting! JAKE: (snidely) well, excuse me! HELEN: That's better... DARIA: So how did you like your first "family holiday"? JANE: It was pretty special... special as in it will be the only one... DARIA: Regret giving up your solitude and TV dinner? JANE: Nah. It was good chance to get you and Trent some quality time... (cowers) Please don't hit me! DARIA: You just don't get it, do you? JANE: (smirking) Apparently not... so why no wise cracks at dinner? DARIA: Well, letting Mom have her family dinner without my sarcasm was my way of "trying". I'd by nothing more than a hypocrite if I purposely tore down her holiday. JANE: I can see that... I wonder what we're missing back home. DARIA: Nothing much, I bet... (Cut to Cranberry Commons in Lawndale. we see a hand putting a piece of paper under the windshield wiper of a car. It is a photo of Sandi and Tiffany in their turkey outfits.) (Cut back to the bungalow. Thursday evening. The SUV is being packed and the Morgendorffers and Lanes are getting ready to leave.) TRENT: Man, I can't wait to get home. The band is probably going to hell without me... DARIA: Yeah, not having you shake your house at rehearsals is really throwing them off... TRENT: (smirking) Good one, Daria. (Cut to inside the SUV. Daria nods off and leans on Trent's shoulder.) TRENT: Huh? (looks and sees Daria leaning on him.) (Jane looks back and sees the scene.) JANE: (chuckling) Where's my camera when I need it? (Jane reaches into her bag and withdraws a camera. She holds it, ready to take a picture. After a moment, she decides to put the camera away. Helen, who has been watching in the rearview mirror, smiles) HELEN: (thought VO) Looks like she's figuring it out... (Cut to the Morgendorffer house. The SUV pulls in front. Daria wakes and realizes she's been leaning one Trent.) DARIA: Uh, sorry, Trent. TRENT: It's cool. It is pretty cramped in here. JAKE: Quinn, we're home, wake up. QUINN: Aww, Daddy... I was having the nicest dream. JAKE: Sorry, honey. QUINN: I dreamt I was in that movie, Titanic, and... (The six exit the car.) DARIA: (To Jane) Want to stay over? JANE: Thanks, but I think I've had enough of family togetherness for awhile. JAKE: Hey, what's this? (Jake retrieves a piece of paper off of the windshield of the Lexus.) QUINN: (looks at the paper) Oh my God! (Quinn rushes inside the house. Jane and Daria look at the paper.) JANE: We DID miss something good! I should have taken that bet! DARIA You snooze, you lose... (Camera shows the paper. It is another copy of Sandi and Tiffany in turkey costumes.) TRENT: Well, we better get home, Janey. (Trent walks off.) JANE: It was a thin slice of heaven, Daria. DARIA: VERY thin... JANE: (To Jake and Helen) Thanks for letting me and Trent mooch off of you again, Mr. and Mrs. M. JAKE: Anytime, Jane-O! (Jane leaves. Jake and Helen go into the house. Daria watches them, then looks after Jane and Trent.) DARIA: I'll be damned... I "do" have something to be thankful for... (Cut to a shot of Quinn's room. She is in hysterics.) QUINN: Sandi and Tiffany won't even answer their phones! What the hell happened at that pageant?! (Cut to a split-screen to show Stacy in her room) STACY: (faking surprise) I'm not sure. When I got there, it was too late. Ms. Li made them go through with it after they signed up. She said she'd revoke the Fashion Club if they didn't. QUINN: But what kind of mean, cruel, sadistic person would go to all the trouble of pictures of them all over town?! STACY: Oh, I don't know. They must really have had it in for Sandi... uh, I mean, the Fashion Club. QUINN: Well, we have serious damage control to do this weekend, and we have to find out who did this. STACY: Oh, yeah. But we may never know. I mean what if this girl, uh, person, was like really smart, and was someone we would never suspect, she might get away with it scot-free. QUINN: You might be right... well, I better go. see you tomorrow, Stacy. STACY: OK, Quinn. (They hang up. Screen goes full and stays on Stacy) (Cut to a shot of Stacy's drawer. There is an open package with some papers inside. Stacy picks them up and throws them in a wastebasket.) STACY: (smiling) It's too bad what happened to Sandi... (Stacy takes out some pictures. They are the originals of Sandi and Tiffany's humiliation. Stacy tapes them into a scrapbook and writes under the picture, "Revenge, how sweet it is." Stacy closes the scrapbook and hides it under her bed. Stacy climbs into the bed and under the covers.) STACY: (imitating Sandi's voice) It's just too, too bad... (Stacy switches off the lights. Credits roll.) NOTES: 1) For those who don't know: The "Titanic running gag" is a reference to my Crossover fic. "Sarcasm of Titanic Proportions" I'm plugging my past fics within my current scripts! Am I shameless or what?! 2) I'm a huge fan of Celebrity Deathmatch. I hate commercials within fanfics, but I think this show is worth some plugs. 3) There are various references to other fanfic authors here. Austin Covello's "Death of Stacy" and "Stacy Rowe: Evangelion Pilot", Kara Wild's "Andrea Speaks" , C.E. Forman and Diane Long. To them, I hope they're not offended. I think they are great authors and I love their fics. I highly recommend them to anyone who hasn't read them. Making fun of them is my way of paying them tribute. Kinda like a Friar's Club roast. 4) Like Austin Covello, I'd like to see Stacy grow a spine and do something to get even with Sandi. I hope my view of how she would do it does him justice. 5) Daria and Helen's bonding scene is a bit of an expansion from the brief one they had in "Write where it hurts." Although Daria seems to resent her mother for putting her career first, I think they could have a great relationship if they gave it some effort. 6) As usual, E-mail me any comments, questions, hate mail, at your convenience.