Daria the Vampire Slayer
By: MFC (VampireDaiblo13@aol.com)
Parody: Buffy the Vampire Slayer/Daria
Plot: Vampires start invading Lawndale and it's up to Daria, Quinn, Jane, and Chris to stop the Vampires. Plus you find out why in "The New Kid." Chris's head spun like the Exorcist child. And if that isn't bad enough the people start getting turned into vampires.
It was a few months after the thing where Chris and Daria started dating. Quinn broke up with Jay after 3 days and Jane broke up with Silent Bob after 3 hours. We start on Halloween night. Oh yea Chris and Daria broke up but they are still great friends.
Daria: So Chris what should we do for Halloween.
Chris: Steal lots of candy.
Daria: You Ghetto bastard, No.
As they're talking they watch Quinn walk out the door. She was dressed like Daria.
Daria: Quinn what the hell are you doing and why are you dressed like me?
Quinn: Halloween themed costume party The Fashion Club is dressing like losers. So I'm dressing like you. Tiffany is dressing like your friend Jane. Stacy is dressing like the guy Trent. And Sandi is dressing like Chris.
Quinn walks out the door howling with laughter.
Daria: I hate her.
Chris: She'd be cool if she ditched the Fashion Bitches.
Daria: I sort of agree.
Chris: Well a new Treehouse Of Horror Simpsons Halloween special is coming on want to go over my house and watch.
Daria: No thanks I'm going to go crash the party.
Chris: All right see you tomorrow.
Chris walks out the door and heads home.
The next day at school.
Chris: So Daria what happened at the party.
Daria: Jane and I showed up and started pelting the Fashion Club with me whipped cream and water balloons. And might I add Sandi makes a great impression of you. I you saw her you'd probably attempt to go out with her.
Jane (running up to them.): I second that.
Chris: Shut Up.
As are talking the Fashion Club comes walking down the hall. Chris notices them.
Chris: Here we come now.
Jane and Daria: Crap.
Sandi: Gee Chris now after dressing like you now I know why you're such an ass.
Chris: Save it I don't care.
After school Chris, Daria, and Jane are walking home when a strange guy comes up to them.
Homeless Guy (looks at Chris): Are you the one called Chris.
Chris: Tell Tony I'm not paying him.
Homeless Guy: Who's Tony.
Chris: Uh you don't work for Tony.
All of a sudden they guy lunges at Chris trying to bite him. Chris steps to the side. The guy lands on the ground.
Chris: Dude I don't have money.
Guy: I don't want your money I want your blood! (Fangs grow)
Chris pulls punches the guy in the stomach as he lunges at him.
Chris: Daria, Jane lets get out of here.
Daria: What was that.
Chris: I'll explain at my house.
The 3 get to Chris's house and they all sit down.
Chris: Ok I'll tell you what that was. It was a vampire they've been after me since I was 13. That's why I moved here to get away from them.
Daria and Jane: Are you serious.
Chris: Damn Straight I am.
Chris: They're getting stronger. So I decided to get some help I'm going to train you and Jane, and possibly one more person.
Suddenly there's a knock on the door. Chris gets up and answers it. It's Quinn.
Chris: What do you want Quinn?
Quinn: Sandi, Tiffany, and Stacy started acting weird they tried to bite me on the neck.
Chris: Shit now I know it's defiantly not an accident they're here.
Daria: How is that?
Chris: They infect the ones I know so they can attack.
Quinn: Who and what are you talking about?
Chris: Vampires. And that is what your friends are Quinn they were most likely bitten.
Quinn: Noooooooo. Isn't there a way to turn them back you revived them before.
Chris: There is a way. I have to kill the head vampire.
Jane: Who's the head vampire?
Chris: I don't know. That's why I need you guys I found his lair but there are too many vampires guarding it. Yet another reason I moved here the lair is under your school. So that's why you 3 are going to help me.
Quinn: Why don't you get more people?
Chris: Because by this time you 3 and maybe a few others are not infected.
Daria: How'd you.
Chris: Another a weird trait I have. I can sense vampires because.
Chris cut himself off and jumped on the couch and stabbed a sharp wooden item (Stake) through the couch. There was a scream. Then there was a burst of blood.
Chris: As I was saying I can sense vampires because when I was 13 I was bitten by one it turned out to I didn't become a vampire but I have all there abilities and no weakness that includes the thirst for blood. I can also do this (spins head all the way around.) Don't ask me how I got that power. I think it's from too many horror movies.
Daria: Did you steal that from Blade?
Chris: No. Now if all follow me we have some training to do.
Chris walked over to the couch and grabbed the remote he pressed a button that said, "Train." And a hole opened up in the floor. The 4 walked down to the training arena. (I'm not going to get into the training it'd just make this story a lot longer than it's already going to be.)(Insert a picture in your head of everyone in training with the song "Paint It Black" in the background.) A few days passed and the 4 emerged from the training arena.
Chris: We're now ready to fight the vampires and remember do not hesitate to kill your friends or family because after we beat the head vampire I can revive them and they'll be back to normal.
Quinn, Daria, and Jane: Ok.
Chris: By the way if you are bitten I'll kill you I can't take the chances of letting you live.
Daria, Quinn, and Jane: All right.
They all grabbed a bunch of weapons like The Stake Gun, Holy Water Balloons, and Garlic Cross Necklaces.
The 4 walked outside and there was nobody in site. Then they heard footsteps behind them. Chris quickly turned to where the footsteps were coming from. He had The Stake Gun aimed at them. But Chris was relieved that it was only Jay and Silent Bob.
Chris: Who did you guys not get bitten by the vampires.
Jay: What those mother fuckers with sharp teeth those bastards for Silent Bob he stole a putter from a cardinal who blessed it. All Silent Bob got to do is hit the damn thing and they die.
Chris: We could use you guys.
Quinn (blushing): Hi Jay
Jay: Holy Shit Silent Bob the chick who broke up with hasn't been bitten ether.
Chris: Come on.
The 6 of them made their way to the school. It turned out the vampires set up an ambush in the parking lot. Of course our heroes fought them off. Chris kill some with some Holy Water Balloons, Silent Bob was killing them with his "Angel Be Good" special, Jay just beat them unconscious until Daria, Quinn, or Jane came and stuck a stake in them. Daria was kicking their Asses and so were Quinn and Jane. After the first waved was wiped out they advanced toward the school.
Chris: By the way everyone a vampire will die if you slice off his or her head.
Chris threw everyone a sword.
They got in the gym. Chris was looking for the switch to open up the way to the lair. When The Fashion club showed up with half the Lawndale population. Chris turned and saw what was happening.
Chris: Guys kill them NOW!
Quinn, Daria, and Jane were standing there shocked.
Chris: Aw hell I'll do it myself come Jay and Silent Bob.
They ran at the vampires and Jay grabbed Daria, Quinn, and Jane, and put them in a safe place. (Insert the song "Let The Bodies Hit The Floor" and a very gory fight seen where vampires are being cut in half, exploded, and beheaded. When the last of bodies blew up. Chris, Jay, and Silent Bob walked away. The 3 had minor injuries like cuts. Chris walked over to Daria, Jane, and Quinn.
Chris: Ok they're all dead.
Quinn (sobbing): You killed my best friends.
Jane: You killed my brother.
Daria: You killed my parents.
Chris: If we didn't stop them they would have killed us. Besides after I defeat the head vampire I'll revive them all. I wouldn't let them stay dead all those people owe me money one way or another.
Chris finally found a switch. He hit it and a hole opened in the middle of the court. The 6 jumped down it. When they got down they found themselves faced with a bigger problem, the rest of Lawndale's population and about 50 other vampires. They all stood there.
Chris: Well this is the part where I use something I've been saving I call it "Holy Water Tidal Wave."
Chris pulled a bomb-looking thing out and lit the fuse.
Chris: Everyone take get down.
The bomb exploded and there was instead of clear water it was blood red. The 6 of them swam through it and came to a ladder leading down. Chris opened the door they all got in and shut it quickly. They found themselves in a long hallway.
Quinn: Well where do we go from here.
Chris: Straight the head vampire is at the end of this hall I can sense him. Wait I sense 2. Oh this is great.
Then a bunch of vampires dropped from the ceiling.
Jay: Lunchbox and me got these flamers.
So Chris, Jane, Daria, and Quinn jumped over the vampires and ran down the hall.
Jay: Snooch to the mother fucking nooch. Come on Silent Bob we got some vampires to waste.
Silent Bob: Hell Yea.
The 2 started yelling and killing. And on that note we go back to the 4 vampire slayers after the head vampires.
Daria: Well we're here where are they.
Two voices come from the shadows they were obviously the 2 head vampires.
Head Vampire 1: You have enter our lair, huh huh
Head Vampire 2: Yea uh now prepare to die.
Head Vampire 1: You said die.
Daria: They sound so familiar.
Chris: Come out and show yourselves.
The two emerge from the shadows. The 4 slayers are shocked.
Daria: BEAVIS AND BUTT-HEAD ARE THE 2 HEAD VAMPIRES!!!!
Butt-Head: Hey looks its Diarrhea.
Beavis and Butt-Head: Diarrhea cha cha cha.
Chris: I've had enough.
Chris runs at them full force. Beavis quickly appears in front of Chris and punches him into a wall. Butt-Head then runs at Chris and knees him further in the wall. The 2 of them walk over to the wall and start pummeling Chris.
Beavis (while punching): This bunghole doesn't know what he got himself into.
The 2 walks away leaving Chris knocked out. Butt-Head kicks the wall have pieces of stone fall on Chris burying him.
Beavis: Hey Butt-Head chicks.
Butt-Head: We're going to score.
Quinn: You monsters killed Chris.
Daria (anger rising): So you killed the only person who could revive the people here.
Daria is about to charge at them, but Jane beats her to it. Beavis simply clotheslines her. Quinn was next she shot at them with The Stake Gun every shot missed. Butt-Head picked up a rock and hurled it at Quinn hitting her in the head knocking her out. Daria was the only one left.
Daria: You 2 are through.
Butt-Head: You said "through".
B & B both ran at her and did a double clothesline knocking Daria on her ass. Daria responded by stabbing Butt-Head in the heart.
Butt-Head: Ow that hurt you dillweed. (Then he exploded.)
Beavis then charged at her (Insert really cool fight seen.) But by the end Daria was on the ground.
Beavis: Now you die hehe.
Chris (coming out of the wall.): No ass wrangler it's time you die.
Chris pulls out a Holy Water Balloon and hurls it at Beavis hitting him in the face. Beavis's face got burned away then he fell dead to the ground. Chris picked up Quinn, Daria, and Jane and put them on his shoulders and walked out of the room. Chris was also happy to see Jay and Silent Bob made it out alive.
Jay: Well look at this guy looks like some one shit in his cereal, bong.
Chris: Well let us get out of here.
The 6 slayers got out of the lair but not before Chris revived all the Lawndale residents and blew the lair to hell. The next day at school everything was normal again. The Fashion Club walked around like they owned the place. Chris, Daria, and Jane were still the outcasts but Quinn was a little nicer to them after what happened. Jay decided to run for president and Silent Bob was his campaign manger and vice president. Here's a little something from Jay's 1st speak.
Jay: If you vote for me I'll legalize pot.
Crowd: Yea go Jay.
Jay: Then I'll kick the ass of every bastard that makes fun of me on the Internet.
Crowd: Go Jay go Jay it's your birthday.
Announcer: Will this president win the White House? Next on Sick Sad World.
At Daria's house.
Daria: Who talked him into running for President?
Chris: That would be me.
Chris: So they'd move out of my goddamn basement.
Quinn (who is walking in the room): Chris you are weird.
Chris: You don't know the half of it. (Eyes turn blood red.)
Daria: Lets hope the writer doesn't feel like making another story.