Daria in "Survivor" Author: Steph E-mail: JadedxSeraphim@aol.com Disclaimer: These characters do not belong to me, but to MTV. This work is fictitious and purely of my lousy excuse for an imagination. Summary: For a school news segment, six randomly chosen students of Lawndale High have to participate in a "Survivor"-like game. Daria finds herself being one of those randomly chosen and is marooned in the gym for three days with five other survivors. Who will emerge the victor? Read on. [Opening Theme Song] SCENE I- Lawndale High - Mr. O'Neill's Classroom MR. O'NEILL: Now, after reading the first chapter of "Mayor of Casterbridge", what is your take on the struggling protaganist, Michael Henchard? DARIA [to Jane]: Poor drunk bastard. JANE [ironically]: Your compassion overwhelms me. MR. O'NEILL: We all know that he auctioned off his family at a fair. A kind sailor bought his wife and his baby daughter, Elizabeth-Jane. DARIA: Auctioning off my family doesn't sound like a bad idea. You think the black market will take them? JANE: Depends, you should probably throw some drugs into the deal, too. [The loudspeakers crackle, and MS. LI's voice booms out of them] MS. LI: Attention, students! As principal of Lawndale High, I have the great pleasure of informing you all of a new project submitted by the school news team! DARIA: Uh-oh. This doesn't sound very promising. MS. LI: As an entertainment segment of the school morning news, the team has proposed to do a spinoff of that fantastically successful CBS show "Survivor". JANE: Now I can fulfill my dream of eating maggotts and dead rats. MS. LI: Since our *lousy* school funds--er...I mean...our school funds cannot provide enough money to actually send students out of the country to a *real* island, the school gym will be our equivalent! DARIA [monotone]: I can make a wooden hut out of the bleachers. MS. LI: Six students will be marooned in the gym for three days. We have hidden food supplies and other items around the gym! It will be like one big scavenger hunt! Whoever is most tolerant of the conditions and the last one to 'survive' will win a yet-to-be-revealed prize! [The class collectively oohs and ahhs over the idea.] MS. LI [continued]: Of course, we will be filming all of this with this cheap, no good--er, I mean...*fabulous* camera the school has provided us with. The six students that should report to gym after school are as follows! Sandi Griffin, Michael Mackenzie, Stacy Rowe, Kevin Thompson, Quinn Morgendorffer, and Daria Morgendorffer. Thank you, and don't run in the hallways. It will scuff the new and *expensive* linoleum floors. [The loudspeakers crackle again, then turn off] DARIA: Did she just say my name? Tell me she didn't just say my name. MR. O'NEILL [chiming in]: Daria! You got chosen! How exciting! I'm sure it will prove to be a wonderful, fun-filled and healthy experience! DARIA [flatly]: I think you've gotten this "Survivor" experience mixed up with space camp. JANE: Don't get too excited now, Gilligan! DARIA: Toss me a life preserver, Skipper. JANE: Don't have one. Maybe I can ask the Professor to make you one out of bamboo and twigs. DARIA [sighs]: Oh shut up. SCENE 2- Lawndale High - Cafeteria [Daria and Jane are sitting at a table eating lunch.] JANE: Come on, it won't be that bad! You can be the greedy, food-snatching bitch. DARIA: Yeah. Like I would eat food that's been hidden in the gym beneath sheets of dustbunnies and an overabundance of lint. [KEVIN and BRITTANY saunter up to them] KEVIN: Hey Daria, hey Jane! Daria, guess what? I'm going on the island, too! DARIA [muttering]: Great. BRITTANY: I'm going to miss you soooo much, Kevie! JANE: Oh, he'll only be gone for three days...that is, if he's not eaten by the sharks first. BRITTANY [aghast]: SHARKS!? JANE: Or the local cannibals. Either one. KEVIN: I wonder if there are wild tigers on this island! DARIA [sarcastic]: I haven't heard of tame tigers yet. KEVIN: I wonder if there really *are* sharks in the water! DARIA: We're not *going* to an *actual* island, Kevin. We're using the gym. KEVIN [genuinely disappointed]: Awwww, man! [DARIA and JANE exchange glances--JANE's is that of amusement, and DARIA looks incredibly bewildered.] SCENE 3- Lawndale High - Inside the Gym [DARIA and JANE are standing near the exit. It's the end of the school day.] DARIA: Well, it's time to kiss civilization good-bye. JANE: For three whole days! DARIA: I wish I could walk home with you or get pizza or something. But I'm indebted with this...duty. JANE: Come on, Daria! Go for the grand prize! You can't let the others win. Do it for all of those bitter cynics out there! DARIA: Why couldn't we do a spinoff of "Last of the Mohicans" instead? JANE: I guess the school couldn't afford gunpowder and rifles...or maybe they didn't have the funds to hire some authentic Native Americans. [MS. LI is gathering the 'survivors' up in the middle of the gym.] DARIA [sighs, hesitant]: Well I better go. JANE: Good luck, Gilligan Morgendorffer! [DARIA approaches the group.] SANDI [from her POV]: Ew, Quinn, isn't that your cousin or whatever? QUINN [trying to hide her astonishment and dismay]: Oh, no... MS. LI: Ah, Miss Morgendorffer. Thank you for gracing us with your presence. DARIA: Sorry, I was saying good-bye to all of my loved ones, seeing as to how the sharks may get to me first. [She glances at KEVIN to see his reaction.] KEVIN: [begins sobbing hysterically] I can't do this! [He runs out of the gym. MS. LI watches him, bewildered.] MS. LI: Oh, uh, well there are five survivors now, I suppose. DARIA [murmuring]: One down...four to go. MS. LI: Now, let's see, foul play is permitted, seeing as to how this is a dog-eats-dog game. QUINN: Ew! No one said anything about eating *dogs*! MACK: Hey, Daria. DARIA: Hey. Thank God. A sane person. MACK [chuckles]: Yeah, I know what you mean. [He looks just as bored as she does. Just then, DARIA notices a SCHOOL NEWS TEAM CAMERAMAN nearby, filming away.] DARIA: Pssst. Hey you. Yeah, you. Zoom up on her tiny little pores. [She motions towards Quinn, who is huddled in a circle with fashion drones SANDI and STACY.] CAMERAMAN: Sorry. I signed a contract. I am not allowed to interact with the castaways. DARIA: I'm not a castaway. I'm an outCAST, but not a CASTaway... MS. LI: Attention, people! We'll be locking the doors to the gym momentarily! At the end of the hour, we'll vote one person off! QUINN [relieved]: Oh good. It's not healthy for me to be trapped in this gym with so many fashion violations. SANDI: Excuse me? Are you calling me a *fashion violation*? QUINN: Ohhh, of *course not*, Sandi! I would *never* call you a fashion violation! Your fashion sense is one of your cutest qualities! SANDI [smug]: Hmmph. STACY: Ew, they're not even letting us change our clothes! I don't want to get moth balls on my new shirt! SANDI [annoyed]: Stacy, are you *done* with your selfish outburst? You could be concerned about *our* clothes, too, you know. STACY [meek]: Sorry, Sandi! QUINN: Eeew, it smells like sweatsocks in here! SANDI: Quinn, ew. That's disgusting. I can't handle this. I'm going to Cashman's. STACY: Me, too! QUINN: Wait! Wait for me! [They all run out of the gym.] DARIA [watching them leave]: Damn. I didn't even get a chance to vote her off the 'island' and say bad things about her betraying me like a no good bitch. MS. LI: Well, uh, we're uh down to two survivors. MACK: Screw this. I'm out of here. See ya, Daria. [He leaves. Daria is the only 'survivor' left] DARIA: Umm... MS. LI: This was a disaster! I knew if the school gave us funds to actually ship the students off to an island, it would have worked much better! Damn cheap school! [She notices the CAMERAMAN still filming.] MS. LI [nervous]: Excuse me, young man, um, turn that off, please. You didn't get any of that, did you? SCENE 4- Morgendorffer Home - Daria's Room [DARIA is sitting on her bed, talking to JANE on the phone.] JANE [over the phone]: So lemme get this straight...all of the survivors left before the game could actually *begin*? Well, that sucks. DARIA: The whole situation was out of my hands. Before I knew it, I was the winner. JANE [joking]: Ah, I knew you'd pull through. So what was the grand prize? DARIA: A coupon for one free meal at the Pizza Forest. JANE: And that's considered a 'grand prize'? DARIA: According to Ms. Li's standards, yes. JANE: So she was going to stick y'all in a gym for three days with dusty food, vote people off one by one, and then hand out a coupon to the Pizza Forest to the remaining survivor? DARIA: Pretty much. JANE: I think enduring excruciating hours at a school guided by such a principal as Ms. Li makes me a hell of a survivor, Gilligan Morgendorffer. DARIA: Then we're on the same boat, Skipper Lane. THE END [Roll credits...That ridiculously tense "Survivor" music plays as the end theme.]