SUFFER THE CHILDREN A "Daria" Fan Fiction Story (Part of the "Daria: the OAV's" Series) by Peter W. Guerin (The official O'Neill/Barch shipper of the 2000 Summer Olympics) ================================================================ With apologies to Glenn Eichler and Susie Lewis. ================================================================ AUTHOR'S DISCLAIMER ================================================================ None of this ever happened. This story is entirely a work of fiction. As for continuity within the "Daria: the OAV's" series, this story takes place after the events of "Lawndale Lavender". All "Daria" characters are © 1993, 1997, 1999 MTV Networks, a division of Viacom International, Inc. All Rights Reserved. ================================================================ A SPECIAL NOTE ABOUT THIS DOCUMENT ================================================================ Endnotes to this document appear in parathentical citation format. The number in parentheses refers to the appropriately numbered endnotes in the "Endnotes" section of this document. ================================================================ ACT 1 ================================================================ ("You're Standing on My Neck" by Splendora begins to play, and we see Daria not laughing with the rest of the crowd at a movie theater at a funny scene. At gym class, during a volleyball game, Daria and Jane let the volleyball get past them, while Samantha Morris, the gym teacher, scowls at them. Kevin and Brittany are blocking Daria's locker; Daria gets out a "panic alarm", consisting of compressed air that lets out an ear-piercing blast when activated. Kevin and Brittany clear out as Daria goes to her locker. At a football game, Daria is the only one not cheering. At gym class again, Daria and Jane let the volleyball go past them again, causing Ms. Morris to scowl at them again. At a funeral, Jake, Helen and Quinn are crying over the casket, while Daria--still in her usual outfit--calmly picks up a newspaper with the heading "JUDGE IMPLICATED IN BRIBERY SCANDAL" on the front cover. Finally, at gym class again, Ms. Morris is yelling at Daria and Jane for not participating when Daria takes the volleyball, spikes it, and smashes it into Ms. Morris' face, causing her to drop to the floor. Daria and Jane both smirk sinisterly. Close-up of Daria smiling, which then zooms up and over to form the "Daria" logo on an orange background, below which is the caption "in: 'Suffer the Children'" in black "Daria" script.) ================================================================ Scene 1: The living room at the Morgendorffer residence, 1111 Glen Oaks Lane, Lawndale, 6:45 PM Saturday. ================================================================ (We see Daria Morgendorffer, Jane Lane and Raye Halstead, the captain of the Lawndale High field hockey team from "Daria's Slapshot", sitting on the couch, watching "Sick, Sad World". Daria and Jane are in their usual clothes while Raye is wearing a white blouse, black knee-length denim skirt and black pantyhose with matching black high heels. They're showing a scene where some monks dressed in cowls, having Nazi swastikas on their tonsured heads and wielding knives are chasing someone down the street.) "SSW" Announcer: They're the newest menace in organized crime. They've not only taken vows of poverty, chastity and obedience, but also vows for the Fatherland and the Aryan race! Nazi monks, next on "Sick, Sad World"! Daria: Oy, vey! Jane: Your Jewish roots showing there, Daria? Daria: This show is beginning to scrape the bottom of the barrel. Raye: Why not try that new "National Enquirer TV" show they have on now? Daria: That show makes "Sick, Sad World" look tame by comparison. (Jake Morgendorffer, Daria's father, enters the room. He's wearing a white T-shirt and jeans, along with that red apron that says "KISS THE COOK" in white letters and a chef's hat. He has in his hands a pie.) Jake: Hey, girls, ready to try the Jakester's apple pie? I got it from Grandma Morgendorffer! Daria: Dad, everything you cook turns out lousy. Jake: But I got it right this time, kiddo. Not only that, I used an extra-special ingredient! Daria: I shudder to think what that secret ingredient is. . . Jake: (Setting the pie down.) I'll be right back with some plates, a knife and a fork. (He does so then goes out again.) Jane: Hey, how bad can Jake's cooking a simple apple pie be? Daria: You don't know my Dad very well, do you, Jane? (Jake returns with a knife, some plates and some forks. He cuts a piece and gives it to Daria.) Jake: Here you go, kiddo! Eat up! (Daria takes some of the pie on her fork, then eats it. Immediately she gags on it, then runs to take a drink.) Jake: Aw, dammit! Don't tell me she doesn't like it? (Daria returns.) Daria: Dad, what did you put in this? Jake: I added Grandma's special ingredient: chili powder! Jane: I see being a bad cook runs in your father's side of the family, Daria. Daria: Dad, let's face it. I've said it before and I'll say it again. You make C-ko Kotobuki and Akane Tendo look like Julia Child and the Frugal Gourmet. Jake: Dammit, Daria, can't I ever make anything I cook good for you? Daria: That is, when you and Mom ever have the time to cook. Usually we're having microwavable lasagna or some other microwavable food. Jake: Well, at least it's better than the C-rations I was forced to eat during the extended camp-outs we had at military school--WHERE DAD JUST LEFT ME TO FEND FOR MYSELF!!!!!!!!!! (We now see Quinn Morgendorffer, Daria's sister, coming down the stairs. She's wearing a pink minidress with that smiley face from her T-shirt on it and matching pink high heels.) Quinn: Dad, Jamie's going to be here soon to take me to that party at Jeffy's! Jake: (Seeing Quinn dressed like she is.) Uh, Quinn, isn't that a bit risqué to be wearing to a party? Daria: That could apply to anything she wears, Dad. Quinn: Who asked you, Daria? (The doorbell rings. Quinn runs to answer it. She opens the door and we see it's Jamie White. He's in his usual clothes.) Jamie: Uh, hi, Quinn. You sure look beautiful tonight. Quinn: (Blushing.) Gee, thanks, Jamie. Jamie: Are you ready to go to the party? Quinn: Sure am. (To Jake.) Bye, Dad! Jake: Have a nice time, Quinn! (Quinn closes the door behind her.) Daria: I guess it slipped your mind that you let Quinn go on her date without changing her clothes. Jake: Dammit! Jane: Score yet another point for Daria Morgendorffer! (Smirks evilly.) Daria: Hip, hip, hooray. (Smirks that Mona Lisa smile.) ================================================================ Scene 2: The living room at Jeffy Malone's house, 77 Sunrise Lane, Lawndale, 7:05 PM Saturday. Background music: the opening guitars from "(You've Got to) Fight for Your Right (to Party)" by the Beastie Boys. ================================================================ (The party is in full swing here. We can recognize some of the students in the crowd including: star quarterback Kevin Thompson; head cheerleader and Fashion Club Treasurer Brittany Taylor; Student Government Vice President Jodie Landon; Jeffy Malone himself; Joey LaPann; Ted DeWitt-Clinton; football team captain Michael Jordan "Mack" MacKenzie; Fashion Club Co-Ordinating Officer Tiffany Blum-Deckler; Fashion Club Reporter for the "Lawndale Lowdown" Sandi Griffin; Stacy Rowe, who was re-admitted to the Fashion Club in The Quinn's Cousin Incident and is now their Secretary again; Fashion Club President Candy Kaine and--surprisingly--Collette Farnsworth, Daria's new nemesis introduced in "Daria's Slapshot". There's bowls full of pretzels, potato chips, nachos, dip, etc. out, as well as some soda. We now cut to the front door as Quinn and Jamie enter.) Jeffy: (Noticing them.) Hey, everybody, Quinn and Jamie showed up! Joey: (Acting kind of sarcastic.) Yeah, wonderful. Jeffy: Joey, what's bugging you, man? Joey: I kinda wished Quinn had chosen me instead of Jamie. Jeffy: Hey, man, there's plenty of other girls out there. Joey: Yeah, and most girls don't want to know me, that's what! Jeffy: Hey, chill out, Joey. Things will change for you eventually. (Joey just mumbles to himself.) (Cut to Stacy, who's been chatting with Ted.) Stacy: Ted, have you noticed that Joey's been acting rather hostile recently? Ted: Yeah, Joey's been taking the fact that Quinn's going steady with Jamie very hard. Stacy: Yeah, and have you noticed that when they investigated the scene of the Mystery Girl Patter's latest attack; they found a picture of him with the victim at an amusement park? This might be a clue. (1) Ted: Stacy, you don't think. . . Stacy: Nah, Joey's too sweet to do anything like that. Ted: I don't know, Stacy. . . (We now see some of Kevin's teammates enter the house. One's a big, burly guy named Jack who has a clean-shaven head save for the back of his head, which has had the brown hair there cut so it spells "LHS" on it. Jack's lugging in about four twenty-four can cases of beer with him.) Jack: Hey, gang, now the party can really begin! I've brought in some booze! (Some of the guys in the group begin to whoop it up.) Jamie: Uh, Quinn, feel like having some beer with me? Quinn: Uh, Jamie, you know how Mom almost busted us when she asked if we drank at parties. (2) Besides, I never told you about the embarrassing incident I had at Lawndale Days last year when the rest of the Fashion Club and I got drunk. (3) Jamie: Come on, Quinn, let's just have one beer each. (He takes out some breath mints from his pocket.) I've even got some breath mints with me. Quinn: Uh, well, OK. I guess that sounds all right. (Jack walks up with two cans of beer.) Jack: Hey, Jamie, you and Quinn want some beer? Jamie: Sure, Jack. How'd you manage to get some, anyway? Jack: It pays to have a big brother who's the star quarterback at Middleton College--and old enough to get beer. (He hands the beer to them.) Jamie: Thanks, dude. (He opens his can.) C'mon, Quinn, open it up and drink it down! Quinn: Uh, OK, Jamie. (She does so.) Jamie: Man, that was good. I might have another one. What about you, Quinn? Quinn: Uh, I don't know, Jamie. Jamie: Come on, one more won't hurt. Quinn: Well. . .OK. Jamie: Jack, two more cans for Quinn and me! ================================================================ Scene 3: Daria's room at the Morgendorffer residence, 8:15 PM Saturday. ================================================================ (Daria, Jane, Raye and Molly Andrews, the eight-year old girl that Jake and Helen took in as foster parents in Booted!, are watching a martial arts film on the TV. We see on the screen two thugs karate chopping each other in downtown Hong Kong. The dubbing is terrible in martial arts film tradition.) Thug # 1: Give it up, Chang! You'll never find out where the Black Dragon Gang hid your girlfriend! Thug # 2: Eat maggots, you bastard! (He kicks him in the head.) Daria: Now this is better than watching Hercules and Xena make pompous fools out of themselves. Jane: Yeah, instead of watching two mythological heroes doing that, we can see two martial artists of today make fools out of themselves. Raye: Daria, when is Quinn supposed to be back from her date with Jamie? Daria: Mom told her to be back home by midnight. Molly: If not, she'll be drawn and quartered. (Smirks evilly.) Daria: That would not do her justice, I'm afraid. Jane: Hey, Daria, do you suppose that Quinn and Jamie have had sex ever since that first time they did so during the controversy surrounding that nude painting I did of you that Ms. Defoe had on exhibit at COMMA? (4) Daria: I don't keep track of things like that, Jane. Jane: Well, I was just asking. Daria: Have you and Tom done it yet? Jane: That is classified information. (Daria scowls.) ================================================================ Scene 4: The Malones' living room, 9:35 PM Saturday. Background music: the opening acoustic guitar riffs from "99.5 Fº" by Suzanne Vega. ================================================================ (The party's been going on for some time now. Obviously some people have gotten drunk on the beer. Panoramic shot showing Jeffy and Joey passed out, Brittany and Kevin cuddling against each other, etc. Quinn and Jamie are still on the couch, though they looked spaced out. Quinn cuddles up to Jamie.) Quinn: (Slurred speech.) Huh, Jamie? Jamie: (Equally slurred speech.) Yeah? Quinn: I'm having a good time, aren't you? Jamie: Uh, yeah, I am. (Quinn tries to get up, but suddenly she's hit with a headache.) Quinn: Uh, man, that feels bad. I gotta lay down for a while. (Collette's been watching all of this; she hasn't had anything to drink, and she feels mad that Jeffy's allowed alcohol into this party.) Collette: If everyone doesn't mind, I'm going to go now. (She gets up and goes.) Jamie: Uh, Quinn, lemme take you up to Jeffy's room. You can lie down there. Quinn: Oh, Jamie, you're such a gentleman! (Jamie takes Quinn by the hand as they go up the stairs to Jeffy's room. Jamie opens the door, and leads Quinn to the bed. Quinn lies down on it.) Jamie: Take it easy, Quinn. Quinn: Ummmmm, this bed feel so good. Jamie, why not join me? Jamie: Uh, yeah, sure. (He lies down next to her. Quinn now snuggles up next to him, and now they're French kissing. Cut to the outside, as we suddenly see a shadow of Quinn taking off her minidress through a drawn shade, to be joined by a shadow of Jamie going up to her and kissing her.) ================================================================ Scene 5: Daria's room, 10:15 PM Saturday. ================================================================ (We see Daria, Jane, Raye and Molly are now in their bedclothes. Daria's in her usual outfit of blue T-shirt and yellow shorts, while Jane's wearing her red T-shirt and white shorts. Molly's dressed in a blue T-shirt and yellow shorts similar to Daria's and Raye is wearing a light blue men's collared shirt. They're now watching "Slapshot" on the TV, with a typical scene where the Hanson Brothers are beating the crap out of their opponents. Suddenly, the doorbell rings. Daria gets up.) Daria: That must be the pizza guy. Since I've got the money, I'll get it. (She goes downstairs to answer the door. When she opens the door, she surprisingly sees that it's Artie, the pizza boy from "The Lawndale File".) Artie: (Saying it in the same tone he did in that episode.) Piiiiii-zzzzza! Daria: (Monotone this time, not in the state of panic she was the first time around.) Eek. Artie, I thought you made a lot of money selling your story to "Sick, Sad World". Artie: Lost it all in day trading. Had some firm in Atlanta investing my money. Heard the guy in charge of my account went nuts. Daria: Must have been the one who killed off his entire family and some of his co-workers then. Artie: It's just my typical Crom's black luck, I guess. Daria: Thank you, Conan the Barbarian. (She hands enough money to pay for the pizza and a generous 20% tip besides.) Artie: Gee, thanks, Daria. By the way, on my way here, I had to deliver some pizzas to a rather rowdy party over at Sunrise Lane. Daria: The Malone place, I take it. Artie: Yeah, that one. I saw some people rather bombed out there, if you know what I mean. Two were really drunk: one was a boy with slicked-back blonde hair wearing a green shirt with blue stripes, a black T-shirt beneath that, gray pants and gray sneakers. The other was a girl with reddish-brown hair, wearing a pink minidress with a smiley face on it and pink high heel shoes. Daria: Oh, God, Quinn and Jamie got drunk, didn't they? Artie: You know those two? Daria: Unfortunately. Quinn's my sister and Jamie's her boyfriend. Mom's going to give her the third degree and ground her when she gets back, I figure. Artie: Well, I gotta stay sober for this job; I'd be busted for DWI otherwise. (Hands Daria the pizza.) Well, here's hoping you enjoy your pizza, and good night. (He departs.) (Daria closes the door behind her, and takes the pizza up with her.) Daria: Yeah, I sure hope so. ================================================================ Scene 6: Jeffy's room, 11:15 PM Saturday. Background music: the opening guitar riffs from "Ten Years Gone" by Led Zeppelin. ================================================================ (We see Jamie and Quinn, who have made love, snuggle up against each other. The blanket's covering them, so we don't see anything beneath their shoulders.) Quinn: Uh, Jamie, what time is it? Jamie: (Looking at the clock.) Uh, it's quarter past eleven, Quinn. Quinn: (In a sudden state of panic as she sits up, clutching at the blanket.) Omigod! Jamie, we're gonna get nailed if we don't leave for home soon! (Now realizes what happened.) Omigod! We did, didn't we? Jamie: (Realizing this as well.) Uh, yeah, we did. Quinn: I hope we used protection. Jamie: Uh, I think we did. Quinn: I sure hope so, Jamie. We'd better get dressed and go home right now! Jamie: Uh, yeah, right. ================================================================ Scene 7: Outside the Morgendorffer residence, 11:35 PM Saturday. ================================================================ (Jamie's car pulls up, and Quinn gets out.) Quinn: I'll see you in class Monday, Jamie. (Kisses Jamie.) (Jamie's car pulls away. Quinn quietly goes inside the house. The living room is dark. Apparently Jake and Helen are in bed. Quinn goes quietly up the stairs to her room, but suddenly the door to Daria's room opens, and Daria herself steps out into the hallway.) Daria: This is a bust. Quinn: Daria, I got home in plenty of time before midnight. I didn't do anything wrong. Daria: Well, according to Artie the pizza boy, you and Jamie got drunk. Quinn: (Now on the defensive.) Daria, we only had a few beers. Please don't tell Mom and Dad, Daria. I'll get into a lot of trouble and all that. Daria: Just consider yourself lucky you and Jamie didn't get busted for DWI or got into an accident. Quinn: I just need to sleep this off, and I'll be fine in the morning, Daria. Please, don't tell Mom and Dad? (She takes a wallet out from a pocket in her minidress and hands Daria a $20 bill.) Daria: (Taking the money.) OK--this time. Quinn: Thanks, Daria. I knew I could count on you. (She goes.) Daria: Why do I have the feeling she isn't telling me the whole truth here? ================================================================ Scene 8: The upstairs bathroom at the Morgendorffer residence, 9:23 AM Saturday (a week later). Background music: the opening piano bars from "Cornflake Girl" by Tori Amos. ================================================================ (Daria is at the door, knocking.) Daria: Quinn, will you please let me in? I've got to go. Quinn: In a minute, Daria. Daria: (Sighs.) Oh, well, I'll just have to use the downstairs bathroom then. (Cut to the inside. Quinn's got a pregnancy test kit and a timer. The timer's ticking as Quinn's trying to wait for the results of the test.) Quinn: I haven't felt good in the mornings for several days. I didn't dare skip school because Mom and Dad would have gotten suspicious. But when I missed my period, that got me alarmed. Now I've got to find out the truth. If I see a plus sign on this indicator, I'm pregnant; if it's minus, I'm not. Please tell me it's minus, God, please! I'm just glad Mom and Dad went to that marriage counseling retreat for the weekend and let us stay here. They'd kill me if they knew right away. (The timer dings. Quinn now looks at the kit. Cut to what she sees: a plus sign, indicating she's pregnant. Cut to the downstairs, as Daria's emerged from the bathroom. We now hear a shriek from upstairs. Daria--even though she and Quinn don't get along that great--runs upstairs out of sisterly concern. Daria's banging on the upstairs bathroom door.) Daria: Quinn, what's the matter? Quinn: Daria, leave me alone right now! Daria: Quinn, if you don't open this door right now, I'll kick it in. (Quinn opens the door, and we see that her face is red from crying.) Quinn: Oh, Daria, everything's been ruined for me! Daria: They ran out of your favorite shade of lipstick at Cashman's? Quinn: It's more serious than that! (She hands Daria the kit. Daria drops her jaw in shock.) Daria: Quinn, what happened? Quinn: Well, you know about Jamie and me having those beers at that party one week ago and all that? Well, apparently we both decided to lay down and I guess we made love, but we forgot to use protection. Daria, I'm pregnant! (She sits on the toilet and buries her head into her hands, crying. Daria goes up to her and puts a hand on her shoulder.) Daria: Quinn, I'm sorry about this. You know Mom and Dad are going to have to be told about this, as well as Jamie. Quinn: (Sobbing.) Mom and Dad will kill me, and Jamie's folks will forbid him to see me ever again! Daria, I've got to get an abortion. I'm not ready to have a baby. Daria: Quinn, you know how Mom and Dad feel about abortion. They won't allow it. Quinn: What can I do then, Daria? I can't have this baby! I hate myself right now, Daria, I hate myself! (She bolts from the bathroom and runs to her bedroom. She's now in a rage, knocking over the makeup that's on her dresser, pulling the dresser down, throwing her jewelry box across the room, tossing her stuffed dolls around, and so forth. Daria enters, and grabs Quinn by her arms. Quinn begins to resist her.) No, let me go, Daria! Let me go! Daria: Quinn, I can help you with this, but you have to give me a chance. (Quinn, now exhausting herself fighting off Daria, just collapses into Daria's arms and sobs. Daria hugs her and pats her on the back.) Quinn: Daria, I'm so scared. Daria: I know, Quinn, I know. (We see them embrace like this as we hear a soft, plaintive rendering of "La-la-LA-la-la" on an acoustic guitar as we see a widescreen shot of Quinn's sobbing on the toilet seat in slow motion and in a purple tint, with the "Daria" logo superimposed over it.) ================================================================ COMMERCIAL BREAK # 1 ================================================================ Announcer: On the next all-new episode of "The Powerpuff Girls", when Townsville is hit with the Y2K Bug, the Townsville Militia takes over the town and overthrows the Mayor! (We now see a shot of the Mayor's office. Mayor and Sarah Bellum are both bound and gagged while a bunch of people wearing combat fatigues and toting AK-47's are patrolling the room. One of them, a fat, balding man with five stars on his hat and shoulders, is writing some edicts at Mayor's desk.) Townsville Militia Leader: Let's see. . .we're going to abolish funding for the Townsville Museum of Modern Art. . .abolish the speed limit. . . repeal zoning. . .cut off welfare to all the minorities in town. . . Mayor: (Removing his gag.) You fiend! When the Powerpuff Girls get here, you're going to be sorry your militia took over Townsville! Townsville Militia Leader: Aw, shut up, Pops! (Suddenly, the Powerpuff Girls crash through a wall. Blossom, the leader, points angrily at the leader.) Blossom: Surrender now, or face the consequences! Townsville Militia Leader: You and what army, sister? (A group of militia nuts now point their AK-47's at the Powerpuff Girls.) Buttercup: OK, you had fair warning! (Shouting to the outside.) OK, guys, you can come in now! (From the hole in the wall enter an ACLU lawyer, a lawyer working for the NAACP, a lawyer from the Southern Poverty Law Center, the Rev. Al Sharpton, the Rev. Jesse Jackson, some FBI agents and Sir Lionel Luckoo of Guyana, the lawyer who according to the "Guinness Book of World Records" is the winningest lawyer ever.) Sharpton: (In his usual histrionics.) If you even harm just one of my brothers and sisters here in Townsville, I'll call for riots in the streets and brand you all racists! Then, after that, we're gonna sue your honkey asses! (Suddenly, all of the militia nuts panic and flee from the office.) Militia Nuts: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!! NOT HIM!!!!!!!!!! ANYONE BUT AL SHARPTON!!!!!!!!!! Mayor: Congratulations, Powerpuff Girls! You've saved the day again! Bubbles: Oh, it was nothing, Mayor. We just knew how to push those militia nuts' buttons. Announcer: That's all happening on the next all-new episode of "The Powerpuff Girls"! This Friday night at 9:30 PM Eastern/8:30 PM Central, during "Cartoon Cartoon Fridays", only on Cartoon Network! (Another commercial.) Announcer: On the next all-new episode of "Celebrity Deathmatch", see Beetle Bailey and Sgt. Snorkel finally settle the score in our main event! (We see Beetle and Snorkel fighting.) Beetle: All these years you made me dig ditches, Sarge! Now I'm gonna give you a taste of your own medicine! (He takes a shovel and shoves it up Snorkel's ass.) Announcer: Also, see Jerry Seinfeld take on his mythological counterpart, Loki, the Norse god of mischief! (We see Seinfeld and Loki circling each other, trying to make the next strike.) Seinfeld: You know, I keep wondering if the Woman with the Perky Breasts was really using silicone. Loki: Bah! How about this punchline! (He takes a mistletoe-wood dart, the kind that killed Balder in Norse mythology, puts some poison from a South American frog on it, and hurls it onto Seinfeld, causing him to drop.) HA HA HA HA HA!!!!!!!!!! I HAVE WON!!!!!!!!!! (But, suddenly, Seinfeld gets up.) Seinfeld: Sorry, but I'm still the master of my domain! (He trips Loki up.) Announcer: Finally, it's a battle of undeclared U. S. Senatorial candidates as First Lady Hillary Rodham Clinton and New York City Mayor Rudolph Giuliani square off against each other! (We see Clinton and Giuliani fighting.) Clinton: Vote for me and I'll secure Federal funding to get rid of blackflies in the Adirondacks! (She kicks Giuliani in the testicles.) Giuliani: Vote for me and I'll make it a Federal crime to call yourself a Yankee fan when you've actually rooted for the Cubs all these years! (He bitchslaps Clinton.) Announcer: That's all happening on the next all-new episode of "Celebrity Deathmatch"! This Thursday night at 10:00 PM Eastern/9:00 PM Central, only on MTV! ================================================================ ACT 2 ================================================================ Scene 1: The living room at the Morgendorffer residence, 6:45 PM Sunday. ================================================================ (Daria and Quinn are on the couch. Quinn's on the cellular phone, trying to call Jamie.) Quinn: (As someone answers the phone at the other end.) Hello? Oh, it's you, Mrs. White. Is Jamie available? I need to talk to him. It's very important. Daria: Mom and Dad are going to be home soon, Quinn. Quinn: I know, Daria. (Pause.) Hello, Jamie? (Split screen to show Quinn at the left and Jamie at the right.) Jamie: Uh, hi, Quinn. What's up? Quinn: Jamie, remember when we were at that party several days ago, and we got drunk, then slept together? Jamie: Yeah. Quinn: We didn't take any precautions. I'm pregnant. (She breathes in deeply; the tears are beginning to flow again.) Jamie: What? Are you sure? Quinn: I used one of those home pregnancy tests. It came back positive. Jamie: Uh, Quinn, stay put. I'm going to be here shortly with my parents. Quinn: OK. (She hangs up.) (The front door now opens, and Jake and Helen enter.) Jake: Hey, girls, we're home! Helen: You feeling any better, Quinn? You said you haven't been feeling too well all week. Daria: Mom, Dad, you'd better sit down for this. (Jake and Helen do so.) Jake: Don't tell me it's serious, kiddo. Daria: Maybe I'd better let Quinn tell you. Helen: Quinn, honey, what's the matter? Quinn: (There's no backing out of it now.) Mom, Dad, remember that party I went to a few days ago? Jake: Yes. Quinn: Well, Jamie and I got drunk on some beer, and the next thing we knew we were at Jeffy's room and we had sex. (The tears begin to fall again.) Mom, Dad, I'm pregnant! (Jake and Helen have shocked looks on their faces.) Jake: WHAT????? YOU LET THAT BASTARD GET YOU PREGNANT????? Helen: Quinn, how could you? Quinn: I didn't know about it at the time, Mom, Dad--honest! Helen: I'm going to call Jamie and his parents right now! Daria: Don't bother, Mom. Quinn called them herself and they're going to be here in a few minutes. (We now hear the doorbell ring. Jake gets the door. We see Jamie here with his parents. His father, Philip, has brown hair, a mustache, brown eyes and is wearing a white collared T-shirt and gray slacks. His mother, Winnie, is blonde with blue eyes and wearing a yellow blouse and brown pants. They enter.) Jake: (To Jamie.) I hope you know what kind of trouble you've gotten yourself into, young man! Philip: Hey, lay off him, Mr. Morgendorffer. Daria: I suggest we sit down and talk about this before we let the fists fly. If not, I'll let my boots here do the talking. (Everyone gets the message and sits down.) ================================================================ Scene 2: The living room at the Lane residence, 111 Howard Drive, Lawndale, 7:30 PM Sunday. Background music: the opening guitar riffs from "Heart Shaped Box" by Nirvana. ================================================================ (We see the Lane family here at dinner. Jane and Trent are at the sides of the table while Amanda, their mother, and Darren, their father, [5] are at the ends. They're having some chicken, corn, string beans and potatoes.) Jane: Dinner's delicious tonight, Mom. Amanda: Thanks, Jane. Darren: Amanda, don't forget tomorrow there's going to be that pro-choice rally at the local Planned Parenthood office. Janet's expecting you to set a good example out there. Trent: Janet? You mean Ms. Barch, the science teacher, don't you, Dad? Darren: You're right, Trent. Ms. Barch also happens to be the president for the local chapter of NOW. Jane: Ah, that explains her undying hatred of men. (Smirks evilly.) Amanda: Kids, I'm going to tell you something I haven't told too many other people. You might have had four siblings instead of three. Trent: Huh? Amanda: Before I met you Dad when we both went to Middleton College, I was in love with someone named Nathan Farnsworth. We met in high school and we were an item for some time. One day we made love, and I wound up pregnant. Back then abortion wasn't legal here in the United States, so some of my hippie friends managed to raise some money for me to go to Mexico and get one. When I told Nathan about it, he called me a slut and broke up with me. You know what happened eventually? Jane: What? Amanda: He married one of my friends from high school, Sarah Conyers. They've got a daughter named Collette. Jane: Ai-yai-yai-yai-yai! Amanda: What's the matter, Jane? Jane: Collette's the one who just began going to Lawndale High. She's been giving Daria a lot of grief. Amanda: Then you're not going to like what you're going to hear next. All three of them are very active in Operation Rescue. Trent: That's just what Daria needs: someone who not only busts her chops but a rabid pro-lifer. Jane: Things couldn't get any worse now, could they? (The phone rings.) Darren: Jane, could you get the phone? Jane: Sure thing, Dad. (She gets the phone.) Yo! (Split screen to show Jane at the left and Daria at the right.) Daria: Jane, it's Daria. Jane: What's up? Daria: It's not good. Quinn found out that she's pregnant, and that Jamie's the father. (Jane has a shocked look on her face.) Jane: Is this your idea of a joke, Daria? Daria: I'm being very serious here, Jane. Jamie and his parents are over here talking to my parents. Jane: Want me to pay an impromptu visit and find out what's going on? Daria: Proceed at your own risk. It's getting pretty nasty. (She holds the phone out as we cut to Jake, Helen, Philip, Winnie, Quinn and Jamie arguing.) Philip: You just won't listen, won't you, Mr. Morgendorffer! We're willing to pay for Quinn's abortion! Jamie: I can get a job at that nut stand at the mall and so I can work it off. Kevin said they were looking for new people. Jake: I'm sorry, but we think life is too precious to allow murdering unborn children. Helen: Jake and I might not agree on much, but we do at this. Quinn: But, what about me? I don't want to be stuck with this baby! Helen: Quinn, you made your bed, now you have to lie in it! Quinn: (Yelling.) MOM, DAD, I HATE YOU!!!!!!!!!! (She runs out of the house.) Helen: Daria, get your sister back here! Daria: I've got to go now, Jane. (She hangs up abruptly.) (Cut to Jane, who's shocked to hear what's been going on.) Jane: Trent, I need to borrow your car. It's kind of an emergency. Trent: What's up? Daria in need of some help? Jane: No, it's Quinn. Apparently Jamie made her pregnant, and his folks and Daria's are having an argument over it, and Quinn's run off. Trent: OK, hold on, Janey. Let me get it out of the garage for you. Jane: Thanks, bro. Amanda: Jane, let me go with you. Jane: OK. (Trent, Jane and Amanda hurry off to the garage.) ================================================================ Scene 3: Out on the streets of Lawndale, 8:30 PM Sunday. ================================================================ (Trent's blue Plymouth Fury is cruising the streets. Jane's at the wheel, with Trent beside her. Amanda's in the back. Jane stops as she sees Daria's orange 1969 Volkswagen Classic Beetle going in the opposite direction. [6] Jane stops, gets out of the car, and approaches Daria.) Jane: Any luck finding Quinn? Daria: No. Jane: This may be a wild guess, but let's try Cashman's. Daria: I don't think she'll be up to going there tonight. Jane: Then where the Hell did she run off to? Daria: Beats me. (We not pan down the corner. We see Quinn, who's sitting on the sidewalk, crying. Suddenly, we see a brown Dodge Aires K car going down the street. The car stops, and we see Collette step out.) Collette: Hey, aren't you Quinn Morgendorffer, Daria's sister? Quinn: (Sniffing.) Yeah. Collette: What's wrong with you? Quinn: Well, remember when I went to that party a few days ago and Jamie and I got drunk? We wound up having sex, and now I'm pregnant! (Collette now has an indignant look on her face.) Collette: That's what you get for drinking underage, you slut! Quinn: What! Why are you calling me a slut? Collette: Girls like you who run around with boys all the time are sluts in my book. Quinn: That wasn't a nice thing to say to me, Collette. Collette: And if you think you're going to abort this, guess again. We're going to have a demonstration at the Planned Parenthood office tomorrow and we're going to block access to it. Quinn: You can't tell me what to do! You don't have any more right to do that as my parents! Collette: Shut up, you slut! (Cut to Daria and Jane, who now hear the arguing.) Daria: Jane, do you hear that? Jane: Yeah. Sounds like that bitch Collette. Daria: We'd better find them. (Daria and Jane run off. They now catch up with Quinn and Collette.) Collette: Well, well, well, if it isn't the slut's sister. Daria: (Getting an angry tone in her voice.) You leave Quinn alone, Collette. Collette: Oh, if this isn't a surprise. Normally you don't give a damn what happens to Quinn. Daria: Well, when she becomes pregnant, I do give a damn. Quinn may run around with boys, but she isn't a slut--at least she isn't one on purpose. Collette: Well, in my book, she is. What are you going to do about it? Daria: Don't push me, Collette, or I swear to God you're going to regret it! Collette: Oh, what are you going to do, have your bitchy mother file a lawsuit against me? I bet she won't even defend Quinn after this. You know, I bet your mother was a slut herself when she was Quinn's age. (For Daria, this is too much; sure, Helen is a nagging bitch but calling her a slut crosses the line for her. Daria suddenly sucker punches Collette in the stomach, sending her crashing to the ground and gasping for breath.) Daria: You take back what you said about Quinn and my mother! (Collette stands up.) Collette: Oh, you want to get rough now, don't you? (She now charges at Daria and broadsides her. A fight now ensues. Amanda and Trent run up to them.) Jane: Jesus! (She grabs Collette by her hair, twists her around, and sends one of her fireman's boots crashing into Collette's gut. Trent gets an angry look as he sees that Daria's a bit bruised around her face. He goes up to her.) Trent: You OK, Daria? Daria: Yeah, Trent, I'm fine. Amanda: I don't know what grudge you have against Daria and Quinn, young lady, but I'd suggest you beat it before the cops get here. Collette: This isn't the end of this. I'll be back. (She gets into her car and drives off.) (Daria, Jane, Trent and Amanda now approach Quinn.) Jane: You all right, Quinn? Quinn: Yeah. Amanda: Quinn, I know how you feel. I got pregnant myself when I was in high school. I underwent an abortion in Mexico. This was before I met Jane and Trent's father, you know. Quinn: Oh, Daria, my whole life's ruined! (She breaks down and cries.) Daria: Quinn, we're going to help you through this. Amanda: I think I might be able to arrange for you to go to Planned Parenthood after school tomorrow. Daria: For what it's worth, I'll be willing to dip into the Montana Cabin Fund and pay for the procedure. Quinn: (Sniffing.) You'd do that for me? Daria: Quinn, we not see eye to eye on most matters, but when something like this happens, even I'm wise enough to set aside our differences and help you. Quinn: Thank you, Daria. That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me. (She gets up and hugs Daria, crying.) Amanda: Just leave everything to me, Daria. Jane: Mom, there's one small detail. Won't Quinn need her parents' consent before she can undergo this? Amanda: I think I can work something out. I'll just contact Janet and we'll speak to them about it. In the meantime, Daria, you've got to make sure that this doesn't leak out to the students at Lawndale High. Daria: It shouldn't be too much of a problem. Ms. Li usually doesn't let stuff like that leak out due to confidentiality concerns. For once, her draconian measures might work in my favor in this regard. Jane: Don't worry, Quinn; we're going to get this straightened out. Quinn: I sure hope so. ================================================================ Scene 4: The hallway at Lawndale High, 7:25 AM Monday. Background music: the opening guitar riffs from "Tin Soldiers" by Crosby, Stills, Nash and Young. ================================================================ (We see the students we're familiar with here. Collette now goes up to the Fashion Club, sans Quinn, and talks to them.) Candy: Hey, Collette, what's up? Collette: Well, I'm OK, but poor Quinn? Stacy: What's the matter with her? Collette: Well, remember that party at Jeffy's place, where she and Jamie got drunk? Tiffany: Yeah. Collette: Well, they had sex afterwards and Jamie made Quinn pregnant. Sandi: Like, omigod. I didn't think Quinn would do something like that. Collette: Well, the little slut got what she deserved. Sandi: Huh? Why is she a slut? It isn't her fault she got pregnant. Collette: Then again, I think she took after you, Sandi. I hear you use boys like toilet paper yourself. Sandi: Hey, now! Evan and I are going steady now. I've changed a lot, if you haven't noticed. Candy: You shouldn't be so judgmental of Quinn, Collette. Collette: Having sex when you're not ready for the responsibility of being a parent is wrong. Candy: But that doesn't give you free license to treat people who wind up being pregnant through no fault of their own like they were common criminals. (Quinn now walks by, trying to avoid getting any attention.) Collette: Oh, there's the slut now! (Quinn hears this, and then begins crying again. She runs off.) Sandi: Like, Collette, that wasn't nice. (She runs off to find Quinn.) Brittany: Collette, I agree with Sandi. Collette: And cheerleaders are the biggest sluts of them all! Brittany: Hey, now! Kevvy and I are true blue to each other! Collette: Oh, shall I tell you the story of how one cheerleader "serviced" a whole team before a big play-off game? (7) Tiffany: EWW!!!!!!!!!! Brittany: Collette, you make Daria look like Pretty Mary Sunshine by comparison! (She storms off.) Stacy: Let's get out of here before she tells us more sick stories. (The rest of the Fashion Club now departs.) Collette: Fine, just walk off! See if I care! (Sandi approaches Quinn, who's crumpled up on the floor, crying.) Sandi: (This is the tenderest she's ever been to Quinn.) Uh, Quinn, are you OK? Quinn: No, Sandi, I'm not. How could Collette just mouth off about me like that? Sandi: Quinn, Collette had no right to do that to you. OK, so maybe in the past you ran around with guys, and I admit we tried to steal each other's boyfriends, but you seem so happy with Jamie now, and I'm so happy with Evan. Quinn: Jamie met up with me a while ago. He said he's going to stick with me through this, even if I wind up having to give birth to this baby. Sandi: You know, after what happened when I attacked Daria, I've been evaluating what's important to me. Hell, I admit at times the Fashion Club would have fallen apart if it wasn't for you being my right-hand person--even if you did try to take over. (Smiles a bit.) Quinn, we're going to help you with this. You have my word on it. (Daria and Jane approach from the opposite direction.) Jane: Hey, isn't that Sandi there with Quinn? Daria: Something's up. (They stop.) What's happening? Sandi: Like, Collette said some nasty things about Quinn here, and she didn't take it too well. Jane: Oh, no! Collette's been telling people that Quinn's a slut, hasn't she? (Sandi nods.) Daria: Sandi, you and I do have our differences, but it seems we now have a common enemy. Sandi: Yeah, like Collette makes you look like Ms. Congeniality. Jane: I think it's time to put Collette in her place. Daria: Well, let's see what happens when your Mom and Ms. Barch speak to my parents. Jane: Yeah, that would be a start. ================================================================ Scene 5: Helen's office at the law firm of Vitale, Davis, Horowitz, Riordan, Schrecter, Schrecter, and Schrecter, 110 Main Street, Lawndale, 10:30 AM Monday. ================================================================ (We see Helen here at her desk, with Jake, Amanda and Ms. Barch sitting at nearby chairs.) Amanda: Helen, I guess you know why Ms. Barch and I are here for. Helen: And what would that be? I had to cancel all of my morning appointments for this. Jake: Yeah, and I had to cancel the golf game I was going to have with a very important client for the consulting firm. Barch: Well, if that isn't inconvenient for you, you man! Going to play your stupid golf games while hitting up on all those cute woman golfers in their visors and shorts! Amanda: Keep your focus, Janet. Barch: Oh, sorry, Amanda. Helen: Jake, you haven't been hitting up on any women at the golf course, have you? Jake: Of course I haven't, dear. Helen: (Icily.) You better haven't been. Jake: (Meekly.) Yes, dear. Barch: Anyway, (Handing Helen some papers.) if you just sign these papers here, we can have Quinn undergo an abortion at Planned Parenthood this afternoon. We've got her set up for 3:30. Helen: Is this what this visit is all about, Amanda? You know I won't sign these papers, and neither will Jake. Barch: Mrs. Morgendorffer, as much as Quinn acts like a bimbo, she shouldn't have to be saddled with the burden of being a mother. Helen: Well, that's a good opinion of my youngest daughter you have there, Ms. Barch! You always liked Daria and Jane better because they subscribe to your views of feminism. Barch: Well, not exactly all of it, but much of it. I guess they got their feminism from Alan Alda, who, other than Timmy, is the only man I have any respect for. Helen: Timmy? Barch: Oh, I meant Mr. O'Neill. Amanda: Helen, I'm going to tell you something I haven't told many others. I had an abortion myself when I was Quinn's age. My folks weren't too happy about it, I'll admit, but at least I went on with my life. If Quinn has to have this baby, she might have to drop out of school. Helen: The baby will be put up for adoption. Amanda: Then Quinn's going to wonder what happened to it. I'd rather have her end the pregnancy than have to worry the rest of her life about who took in the baby. Jake: Helen, I think she's got a point. We don't really have the time to look after another baby. We've got our hands full with the girls and Molly to begin with. Amanda: Besides, Daria mentioned something about paying for the procedure herself with her Montana Cabin Fund money. Helen: Montana Cabin Fund? What do you mean? Amanda: Well, she mentioned that whatever she has left from her weekly allowance she puts into a pillowcase in her room. I think she's got about several thousand dollars in it now. Jake: No wonder she doesn't blow all of it like Quinn does. Helen: And I bet she was doing this before Trent gave her the money he won in that lottery. (8) Amanda: Helen, Jake, if your own daughter's willing to do this for her sister, can't you have a heart and sign the permission form? Helen: I didn't think Daria would be willing to do something for her own sister. Jake: Yeah, that comes as a shock. Barch: Hey, Daria's a good person, if only you took the time from your nagging her to look. Helen: OK, OK, give me the papers. (Amanda gives them to Helen, who signs them. She hands them to Jake, who signs them as well. He hands them to Amanda.) Amanda: Thanks, Jake, Helen. You're doing the right thing. Helen: I sure hope so, Amanda. ================================================================ Scene 6: The parking lot at Lawndale High, 3:00 PM Monday. Background music: the opening drums and "Do-do-do, do-do-do!" from "Where Have All the Cowboys Gone?" by Paula Cole. ================================================================ (Daria and Quinn are waiting at Daria's VW. Amanda pulls up in the Fury and gets out.) Amanda: Daria, it was kind of a hard sell to your parents, but I got them to sign the papers. Follow me to Planned Parenthood. Daria: You heard Mrs. Lane, Quinn. Let's go. Quinn: Right. (They get into the VW and drive off, following Amanda.) ================================================================ Scene 7: Outside of the Lawndale offices of Planned Parenthood, 210 Breyfogle Avenue, 3:10 PM Monday. ================================================================ (We can see some protesters picketing outside the facility. They have signs that say among other things: "ABORTION IS MURDER", "BEFORE I FORMED YOU IN THE WOMB, I KNEW YOU--JEREMIAH 1:5", "MORE FETUSES HAVE BEEN KILLED SINCE 1973 THAN HAVE BEEN KILLED IN ALL WARS THE U. S. HAS PARTICIPATED IN", etc. Some have graphic depictions of aborted fetuses. Collette and her father, Nathan--a man with black hair, brown eyes and clean shaven looks, wearing a blue business suit--are among the protesters. Daria's VW pulls up to the parking lot, and she and Quinn get out. Amanda parks nearby and joins them. They're about to go as we now hear Jamie behind them.) Jamie: Quinn! Quinn! (Quinn turns around and is surprised to see Jamie.) Quinn: Jamie! What are you doing here? Jamie: I'd told you I'd be here for you no matter what. Daria: Jamie, this could get ugly. Jamie: I don't care. (They now go down the sidewalk. Collette goes up to Quinn.) Collette: I hope you have a nice time, you murdering slut! Daria: Back off, Farnsworth, or you're going to regret it! Jamie: Yeah, back off! (They head for the front door when Collette now flings a can of red paint at them. It just barely misses its mark.) Collette: MURDERERS!!!!!!!!!! (We now move into the waiting room. A nurse goes to Quinn.) Nurse: Dr. Lindstrom will see you in Room 2, Quinn. Quinn: Thanks. (She looks nervously around her, but Daria, Amanda and Jamie give her "thumbs up" to her. Quinn goes.) Amanda: Now we wait and see what happens. Daria: I only hope it'll go all right. (We now cut to a few minutes later, in Room 2. Quinn is in a surgical smock and is lying down on a table. Dr. Jennifer Lindstrom enters with the suction device that will be used for the procedure.) Lindstrom: Hi, Quinn. How are you? Quinn: Nervous. Lindstrom: Don't worry. You won't feel a thing. This device will remove everything inside the uterus. It's painless. Quinn: I'll take your word for it. (She now draws her breath as Dr. Lindstrom prepares to begin the procedure.) (Cut to a while later. Daria, Jamie and Amanda are patiently waiting.) Jamie: It's been a while since Quinn entered the room, Daria. Daria: These things take a while, Jamie. After that, they'll check her out to make sure she's OK. (Quinn now emerges.) Amanda: There she is. How did everything go? Quinn: Well, I feel some cramps down here, but I'm OK otherwise. Jamie: I'm sorry about all this, Quinn. Quinn: It's kinda my fault, Jamie. I wouldn't have done it if I was drunk. Jamie: It's my fault, actually, Quinn. I was drunk myself. Daria: I think both of you were at fault, but that's not the big issue right now. What's important is that we get on with our lives. Quinn: Yeah, that's what I want to do, Daria. But will I ever be the same ever again? (She begins to cry now. Jamie goes up and hugs her.) Daria: I don't know, Quinn; I really don't know. ================================================================ Scene 8: Outside of Planned Parenthood, 8:05 PM Monday. Background music: the opening acoustic guitar riffs from "Drive" by REM. ================================================================ (Dr. Lindstrom's just shut the place down and is getting ready to go. She goes to her car--a late model white Dodge Neon--and gets in. She turns the ignition on the car. Fast cut to the outside, where we see the car explode. Hold the camera as the car burns. There's no music as we head into commercial, as we see a widescreen shot of the scene where Collette throws the can of red paint at Daria, Quinn, Jamie and Amanda in slow motion and in a purple tint with the "Daria" logo superimposed over it.) ================================================================ COMMERCIAL BREAK # 2 ================================================================ (We see some shots of the Adirondack IceHawks, a United Hockey League team from Glens Falls, New York, in action.) Announcer: Exciting minor league hockey action is back in Glens Falls. . .sort of. The Adirondack IceHawks are here! So, maybe it's not the American Hockey League that the old Adirondack Red Wings were in, but after that bastard Michael Ilitch pulled the team out after promising he'd keep the team in town for another couple of years, we shouldn't look at a gift horse in the mouth. So what that player contracts in the UHL aren't guaranteed and that most players are here today, gone tomorrow. So what if the level of play is lower than the AHL. We've got hockey back! But you'd better hurry before those bastards the Albany River Rats siphon too much of our fan base away and cause the IceHawks to move. . .again! Call the Glens Falls Civic Center today for tickets! Don't miss the flight with the Adirondack IceHawks. . .before they take flight. . .permanently! (Show on the screen phone numbers to call for tickets.) (Another commercial. An instrumental version of "You're Standing on My Neck" by Splendora begins to play.) Announcer: Coming soon from Mark Zero Fan Fiction. . ."Daria: The OAV's: The Bloopers and Outtakes Special"! (We now see the scene from "Outbitched" where Sandi's at the top of the stairs waiting to hit Daria with the baseball bat. She takes a few swings, and misses them all.) Sandi: Oh, s--BLEEP! I can't hit the broadside of a barn! (She and Daria laugh.) Announcer: See zany moments edited from your favorite episodes of "Daria: The OAV's"! (We now see the scene from "The Misery Senshi Neo-Zero Double Blitzkrieg Debacle" where Akbar the terrorist announces he's taking over the plane.) Akbar: ALLAH AKBAR! ALLAH AKBAR! I AM TAKING OVER THIS PLANE, AND I WANT A LIMOUSINE WITH TWO BEAUTIFUL BABES WAITING FOR ME WHEN WE LAND!!!!!!!!!! Unidentifiable voice from off-set: What the--? Akbar: Is that too much? (Laughs. Ami Mizuno--who's next to him--begins to laugh herself.) Announcer: The producer of this special had promised these bloopers to John Berry for his recent fan fic "Behind the Glasses", but forgot all about them, thus forfeiting any hopes that John will write a scene for his proposed "Daria's Rashomon". So, to John, in the words of Kevin. . . (Cut to Kevin.) Kevin: Sawww-reeeeee! (Cut to the scene from "Karen Carpenter Blues" where retired Detective Jim Reed's performing CPR on Stacy. He begins to breathe into her when she squirms, then shoves him off.) Stacy: Eww! You've got bad breath! Announcer: So don't miss "Daria: The OAV's: The Bloopers and Outtakes Special"! Coming soon from Mark Zero Fan Fiction. ================================================================ ACT 3 ================================================================ Scene 1: The living room of the Morgendorffer residence, 7:00 AM Tuesday. ================================================================ (The TV is tuned in to "Today". We see Matt Lauer and Katie Couric at their desk. Cut to Jake, who's watching it.) Lauer: Police are investigating the shocking bombing at the Lawndale Planned Parenthood that killed the doctor there who performed abortions. Jake: What? Honey, girls, you'd better see this. (Helen, Daria and Quinn run into the room.) Couric: Ann Curry has more details on this. (Cut to Curry.) Curry: Police say that a gangland-style car bomb was put into the Dodge Neon driven by Dr. Jennifer Lindstrom. It went off when she turned the ignition. Police have no clues so far as to who planted the bomb or of a possible motive. Quinn: Oh, my God. . . Daria: Those bastards. Helen: Who would do something like that? Daria: Probably Collette Farnsworth's dad. Jane's mother told me about it on the way back home yesterday. I wouldn't be surprised if he had anything to do with it. Helen: Now, Daria, you have to remember that in this country a person is innocent until proven guilty. Daria: Maybe, Mom, but I wouldn't put it past him if he did. Helen: OK, Daria, if it makes you feel better, I can see what I can dig up on the Lawndale branch of Operation Rescue. Daria: (Sighs.) OK. I just don't know how Quinn's going to handle being back in school after this. Jake: I'd better wake up Molly; she's going to be late for school. Helen: OK. Daria: Come on, Quinn, we'd better get going. Quinn: OK, Daria. (They leave for school.) Helen: I just hope Quinn's friends don't judge her harshly. Jake: I hope so, too, Helen. ================================================================ Scene 2: The hallways of LHS, 7:30 AM Tuesday. Background music: the Arabesque-sounding guitar break from "Come Out and Play (Keep 'Em Separated)" by the Offspring. ================================================================ (Daria, Jane and Quinn enter the hallway. They don't know what to expect, so they're sticking close together.) Quinn: Guys, I'm so afraid about what's going to happen. Daria: Just stick with us, Quinn, and you'll be all right. (Collette now comes.) Collette: Well, if it isn't the murdering slut and her friends. Daria: Collette, I'm warning you, don't harass us. Jane: Unless you want a fat lip. Collette: You're going to burn in Hell for what you did, Quinn. God doesn't forgive girls who have abortions. (Tears begin to run down Quinn's eyes.) Daria: I said back off, Farnsworth. Collette: And what if I don't? Voice from behind Collette: You heard Daria, leave them alone! (Collette turns around and sees that it's Sandi.) Collette: Oh, are we getting tough all of a sudden, Sandi? Sandi: Maybe I don't see eye to eye with Daria and Quinn on most matters, but when it comes to something like this, even I'm appalled at what you've done to Quinn. Collette: Anyone who's in league with Quinn's as big a slut as she is! Sandi: You're crossing some very big lines here, Collette. Collette: Oh, and maybe you get some of that from your own mother as well? I bet she's a big slut as well. Sandi: That's not true! Collette: How do you think she gets "a-head" at the TV station, by her talent? (For Sandi, this is too much, even if Quinn's tried to usurp her in the past and Daria was an imaginary threat to her own position; no one gets away with calling her mother a whore. She yells savagely and lunges at Collette, tackling her as they roll around on the floor and hit each other.) Daria: I guess the Lawndale chapter of the Fight Club's just opened for business. Jane: Hey, rather her than us getting the licks! (A crowd has gathered around Sandi and Collette.) Sandi: You fucking bitch! You take back what you said about my mother and Quinn! (Jeffy and Jamie pull Sandi away from Collette, while Charles Ruttheimer III, alias Upchuck, and Kevin hold Collette back. Angela Li, the principal, arrives.) Li: What's going on here? I want to know. Daria: Normally I don't collaborate with the authorities, but in this case I'll make an exception. Collette here's been ragging on Quinn about her being pregnant and undergoing an abortion, so Sandi stuck up for her, and they got into a fistfight when Collette called Sandi's mother a whore. Jane: (Imitating Claude Raines' character from "Casablanca".) Round up the usual suspects, Rick. (Most of the students stand shocked. They didn't know what had happened to Quinn until now.) Li: Ms. Griffin, Ms. Farnsworth, I want to speak to the both of you in my office right now. Ms. Morgendorffer, Ms. Morgendorffer and Ms. Lane, you're with me as well, since you're material witnesses. Daria: Does this mean we'll only get ten years solitary confinement instead of twenty? Jane: Who knows? (They follow Ms. Li.) ================================================================ Scene 3: The living room at the Morgendorffer residence, 4:15 PM Tuesday. ================================================================ (Jake and Helen are with Daria, Quinn and Jane. Jake and Helen are on the couch while Daria, Quinn and Jane are in nearby seats.) Helen: Daria, Quinn, I find it hard to believe that Sandi stuck up for you like that. Daria: Well, Mom, stranger things have happened. Jane: So you'd better call "Sick, Sad World" and let them know they've got a hot story on their hands. Helen: For what it's worth, I had Marianne check out some information. Apparently the State Police and the FBI have been investigating the Lawndale chapter of Operation Rescue. They seem to have ties to the Lawndale Militia and might have gotten some explosives from them. If they can get some hard evidence to prove that they got the explosives from them and used them to blow up Dr. Lindstrom, the DA will have a case against them. Daria: Are you thinking what I'm thinking, Jane? Jane: I think so. . . Daria: I think it's time to pay a visit to the enemy at her homebase. ================================================================ Scene 4: The Farnsworth residence, 1181 Dix Avenue, Lawndale, 6:35 PM Tuesday. Background music: the opening guitars from "Bulls on Parade" by Rage Against the Machine play throughout this scene. ================================================================ (Daria's VW pulls up a few doors down from the house. Daria and Jane exit. They're both wearing black clothes in order to disguise themselves. They sneak up to the living room window. Daria has Jake's camcorder with her. They begin filming what's going on inside. Nathan is speaking to someone in combat fatigues, apparently a member of the Lawndale Militia.) Militia Nut: Well, Nate, did that plastique do the job? Nathan: From what I heard on the news, there wasn't too much left to identify that murdering bitch. Militia Nut: I've got some more in the pick-up if you want it. Nathan: OK. Why not sit down and talk over strategy? Militia Nut: OK. (Cut to Daria and Jane.) Daria: I think we've got enough to nail these bastards. Jane: So, let's move out. (They go. Cut back to the living room, a while later. Nathan and the militia nut are talking shop.) Militia Nut: Anyway, we're pouring in a lot of money into Chris Reinhardt's campaign for a seat on the Carter County Regional School District Board of Education so we can keep that blasted nigger Andrew Landon out. (9) Nathan: Yeah, who needs coons like him fucking up the education system? (Suddenly, the front door is kicked down, and some Lawndale Police o fficers along with some FBI agents swarm in. Nathan and the militia nut are handcuffed.) FBI Agent: Nathan Farnsworth, you're under arrest for the murder of Dr. Jennifer Lindstrom! Nathan: You can't prove anything! FBI Agent: Someone dropped off a videotape taken tonight where you admitted you got the plastique used in the explosion that killed her! Not only that, that truckful of plastique will come in rather handy as evidence. (Collette comes downstairs.) Collette: Daddy! What's going on here? Nathan: Collette, there's been a mistake, and Daddy's going to have to go to jail for a while. Mom will be home soon, so tell her what happened and ask her to post bail for me. Collette: It was Daria and Jane who did this, wasn't it? They framed you! I won't let them get away with this! (Nathan and the militia nut are dragged off. Collette begins to cry.) ================================================================ Scene 5: the living room at the Morgendorffer residence, 7:00 PM Wednesday. ================================================================ (Daria, Jane, Molly and Raye are watching TV. Jake is playing solitaire at a nearby table while Helen's doing paperwork in the kitchen. Quinn comes downstairs.) Quinn: Mom, Dad, Jamie said he was going to come over and talk to me about something. Helen: OK, Quinn, but remember, you're grounded from dates for three months. Quinn: I know, Mom. Jane: Did you see the look on Collette's face this morning? She was real pissed that her old man's in jail for killing the doctor. Daria: The mills of God grind small, but they do grind. Raye: I wonder if things are going to be the same between Quinn and Jamie? Daria: Who knows? (The doorbell rings. Quinn answers it. She sees that it's Jamie.) Quinn: Jamie, come in. (Jamie does so.) Jamie: Quinn, can we sit down and talk in private? Quinn: Mom and Dad insisted that I speak to you out here. Jamie: Uh, OK. Quinn, I had a talk with my own Mom and Dad, and they think I shouldn't be seeing you anymore. (Quinn has a shocked look on her face.) Quinn: But, Jamie, I had the abortion. Everything can go back to normal now. Jamie: Quinn, can't you see that it can't be normal ever again? I allowed you to get drunk and allowed you to do something stupid. Maybe it's better this way. Maybe you can find someone who can care for you better than I do. Quinn: (The tears begin to run down her face again.) But, Jamie, we were meant for each other! Jamie: (Hanging his head down.) I'm sorry, Quinn. (He heads for the door.) Quinn: Jamie, come back! I still love you, dammit! (Before she can get to him, Jamie leaves and closes the door. Quinn buries her head into her hands and runs upstairs. Daria, Jane, Raye, Molly, Helen and Jake run up after her. They catch up with her in her room, where she's lying face down and crying. Daria cautiously approaches Quinn.) Daria: Quinn, I'm sorry about this. Quinn: (Sobbing.) Oh, Daria, I thought Jamie was going to be the one for me! I really though so! (Daria hugs her sister.) Daria: Everything's going to be all right, Quinn. Maybe someday you two will get back together, or you might even find someone else. Don't give up hope. (The doorbell rings.) Helen: Jake, answer the door, dammit! Jake: (Meekly.) Yes, Helen. (He runs downstairs.) Jane: Quinn, if it helps, Mom and Ms. Barch can give you some moral support. Quinn: Gee, thanks, Jane. (Jake returns, with the Fashion Club.) Sandi: Uh, Quinn, we all came over here when we saw Jamie leave from here. We just wanted to say we're sorry about you and Jamie breaking up. Quinn: Thanks, guys. And, Sandi? Sandi: Yeah? Quinn: Thanks for sticking up for me like you did the other day. That was real noble of you. I didn't deserve it, knowing what happened to us in the past. Stacy: Quinn, maybe we can help each other. I can help you get over Jamie if you can help me with overcoming bulimia. (10) Quinn: Thanks, Stacy, you're all heart. Candy: Quinn, you're part of the Fashion Club. We stick together in times of crisis like this. Jane: Yeah, like spaghetti. (Smirks evilly.) Daria: We're going to help you through this, Quinn--all of us. Quinn: Thanks. I didn't know all of you cared for me so much! (Sobs again. Daria hugs her again.) Daria: (Softly, to herself.) You're welcome, Sis. (Cut to Jamie, who's walking back home.) Jamie: (Thought voice-over.) I'm sorry, Quinn, but until we both grow up a bit, it's better this way. Maybe when we're both more mature we can go steady again. We will be back together again, I promise. (We see a tear fall down Jamie's face, then we cut to the alter egos. "Me and a Gun" by Tori Amos begins to play as we see the alter egos and the closing credits. The alter egos include: Jodie as Storm from "X-Men"; Quinn as Lum from "Urusei Yatsura"; Trent as Alley Oop; Daria as Ivy from the "Where on Earth is Carmen Sandiego" animated series; Sandi as Fiona Apple in that picture from "Life" magazine where she's wearing a suit of armor while riding the New York City subway; Jake as Clarence Goodbody, the angel from "It's a Wonderful Life"; Raye as Sailor Mars [What a concept! :-) ]; Candy as Twiggy; Joey as Brock from "Pokémon" with Jamie as Pikachu; and Jane and Brittany as Rally Vincent and Minnie-May Hopkins, respectively, from "Gunsmith Cats". The "Daria" logo can be seen as the closing credits end. Fade to a shot of sweaty hands over a piece of gray metal as an ominous timpani drum roll can be heard in the background; the left hand is holding a gray die while the right hand is holding a sledgehammer with a black head and yellow handle. The sledgehammer hits into the die twice, with a loud "CLANG!" each time. However, at the second time, the hammer hits into the left thumb, causing it to redden and swell. The person holding the hammer and die drops them, and then turns to the audience; he's none other than the author of the story himself, a man with brown curly hair, blue eyes and glasses. He screams "OUCH! I HIT MYSELF WITH THE !@#$%^& HAMMER!", then walks away. We now see that a red computer zero [a zero with a slash through it] has been chiseled into the metal. Above the zero is white Roman lettering saying "MARK", while white Roman lettering below it says "FAN FICTION," and below that is white Roman lettering saying "UNLIMITED". We now hear the kettledrums booming as "Bugler's Dream", the music ABC used in their coverage of the Olympics during the 1970's, begins to play, as we see a special graphic saying: "MARK ZERO FAN FICTION--THE OFFICIAL FAN FICTION COMPANY OF THE 2000 SUMMER OLYMPICS" with the 2000 Summer Olympics logo below that. Cut to a picture of the author, below which is the caption "PETER W. GUERIN--THE OFFICIAL O'NEILL/BARCH SHIPPER OF THE 2000 SUMMER OLYMPICS" below it. Fade to black.) ================================================================ ENDNOTES ================================================================ (1) Indeed, the identity of the Mystery Girl Patter WILL finally be revealed in the story that follows this, "The Strange Case of the Mystery Girl Patter".--Fair Warning Peter. (2) That happened in "The Quinn's Cousin Incident".--Breathalyzer Peter. (3) That happened in C. E. Forman's immortal two-part story "Rain on Your Parade"/"Quinntet".--Grand Marshal Peter. (4) Read "No Nudes is Good Nudes" for details.--Recap Peter. (5) I revealed Trent and Jane's father's name as Darren in "Triumph of the 'Retart'".--The Rev. Peter Sharpton. (6) Daria's new car was revealed in "Daria's Slapshot"; how she got it will be revealed in "One Band Town 2: Blake's Revenge". --Peter Goodwrench. (7) This was related to me by Mona Nobles. Apparently one of her friends actually did something like that. Civility forbids me from divulging the whole details on this.--Peter Lombardi. (8) That happened in C. E. Forman's "Lotto Nonsense".--Yolando Peter. (9) This will be looked at in further detail in "Dirty Campaign". --Peter Rodham Clinton. (10) Stacy's struggles with bulimia were revealed in "Karen Carpenter Blues".--Dr. Peter. ================================================================ THE END ================================================================ THIS HAS BEEN AN EXCLUSIVE CREATION OF MARK ZERO FAN FICTION, UNLIMITED! ================================================================ "Home of the World's Weirdest Fan Fiction" ================================================================ "The Official Fan Fiction Company of the 2000 Summer Olympics" ================================================================ Home page: http://direct.at/markzero.com or http://www.crosswinds.net/~peterguerin ================================================================ E-mail: markzero@zdnetmail.com AOL Instant Messenger: petergerin ICQ: 48647033 ================================================================ Subscription list: http://MarkZeroUpdate.ListBot.com ================================================================ CLANG! CLANG! OUCH! I HIT MYSELF WITH THE !@#$%^& HAMMER! ================================================================