STUPID SUNDAY A Daria Fan Fiction Story by Peter W. Guerin -------------------------------------------------------------------------- With apologies to Glenn Eichler, Susie Lewis and Ed Herrmann. -------------------------------------------------------------------------- AUTHOR'S DISCLAIMER None of this ever happened. This story is entirely a work of fiction. As for continuity, this takes place after "Strange Reunions". All "Daria" characters are (c) 1993, 1997, 1999 MTV Networks, Inc. All Rights Reserved. All "Kung Fu" and "Kung Fu: The Legend Continues" characters are (c) 1972, 1993, 1999 Warner Bros. Studios, a Time Warner Entertainment Company. All Rights Reserved. "Aunt Jemimah" and "Crunch Berries" are registered trademarks of the Quaker Oats Company. "Yahtzee" is a registered trademark of the Milton Bradley Company. "Lipton" and "Lipton Brisk Iced Tea" are registered trademarks of the Thomas J. Lipton Tea Company. "Goodyear" is a registered trademark of the Goodyear Tire and Rubber Company. -------------------------------------------------------------------------- IMPORTANT NOTE Footnotes are in brackets in this plain text document and are at the end of this story for your convenience. -------------------------------------------------------------------------- ACT I--125, CHICAGO BULLS--105 (I really shouldn't be doing this, since I'm pissed at the NBA for the damn lockout!) -------------------------------------------------------------------------- ("You're Standing on My Neck" by Splendora begins to play. We see Daria at a movie theater; she's not laughing along with the rest of the crowd. At gym class, Daria lets the volleyball get past her, causing Stacy and Tiffany to flash hostile looks at her. In the hallway, Kevin and Brittany are blocking Daria's locker. Daria gets a whistle out, and blows on it, causing Kevin to think it's time for football practice. He and Brittany clear out, and Daria goes to her locker. At a football game, Daria is the only one not cheering. At gym class again, Daria lets the volleyball get past her again, causing Stacy and Tiffany to flash hostile looks at her again. At a wedding, the bride files past the Morgendorffers. Pan to the left to see Jake, Quinn and Helen crying, while we zoom in on Daria, who calmly picks up a paper that had the headline "MAYOR INDICTED" on the front page and begins to read it. Finally, at gym class again, Stacy and Tiffany collide trying to get the volleyball and fall to the floor unconscious while it goes past Daria again. Close-up of Daria smiling, which then zooms up and over to form the "Daria" logo, below which is the caption: "in: Stupid Sunday".) -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Scene 1: The teacher's lounge at Lawndale High School. About 3:15 PM Friday. (We see the members of the faculty we're all familiar with here around the table, including English teacher Timothy O'Neill, history teacher Anthony DeMartino, art teacher Claire DeFoe, economics teacher Diane Bennett, science teacher Janet Barch, girls' gym teacher Samantha Morris (1), school psychologist Dr. Margaret Manson and football coach George Gibson(2). We can see a pile of money on the table.) O'Neill: I'll take twenty on Denver to win! DeMartino: (With his right eye bulging out.) I'll take FIFTY on AtLANta! (Slapping his money down so hard the table is knocked over; O'Neill has to retrieve the matchbook that was keeping the table even and puts it back in place.[3]) Barch: Ten on the Broncos! (To DeMartino) And watch where you're slamming your money, you man! Morris: Hundred on the Falcs! DeFoe: Fifty on the Broncos! Bennett: Thirty on Atlanta! Manson: Ten on the Broncos! Gibson: Two hundred on the Falcons! (Suddenly, Angela Li, the principal, enters.) Li: Are you guys entering into a Super Bowl pool? You knoooooow it's against school policy for teachers to organize gammmmmmbling pools! (Looks on all their faces that seem to say, "Cheese it! The cops!" They all now stash the cash away, while trying to put on their best innocent faces.) O'Neill: You've got it all wrong, Ms. Li. We were just collecting money for a big dinner in honor of Coach Gibson for leading the football team to the state championship this year! (4) Li: And you didn't invite me? For shame! And where were you going to have this dinner anyway? O'Neill: (Perhaps too quickly) At Chez Pierre! Li: HA! Don't fool me, O'Neill! You couldn't afford it on your salary! O'Neill: But Quinn Morgendorffer goes there all the time with her dates! Li: What Ms. Morgendorffer does on her own time is her business (with a look that says she wants to add "Unfortunately" to that comment). As for you, if you are planning to have this little celebratory dinner, why not have it at that pizza place Ms. Morgendorffer's sister and Ms. Lane go to all the time? O'Neill: And how do you know that? Li: Well, I was tailing them one day--(realizes she might give herself away.) OOPS! I meant to say that I just happened to be in town buying some new blackjacks for the security personnel when I just happened to notice them. (To herself.) WHEW! That was too close there, Angela! DeMartino: You haven't been SNOOPING on Daria and Jane AGAIN, have you, Ms. LI? Li: (Trying her damnedest to lie out of this one.) Uh, well, I, er, um--aw, Hell! (She takes a five out of her wallet.) Five on the Falcons. And don't let me catch you doing this again! (She leaves with a disgusted look on her face like she doesn't like being outwitted by her faculty.) O'Neill: Thanks there, Anthony! You got us out of that one! DeMartino: One of these DAYS, Ms. Li is going to go too FAR with her iron-fisTED rule around HERE! -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Scene 2: Main Street, Lawndale. About 4:30 PM. Background Music: the opening 20's sounding sequence to "Your Woman" by White Town. (Daria Morgendorffer, Jane Lane and Jane's brother Trent are going down the street on foot. Daria has her arm around Trent's, and Jane's approvingly smirking at that sight.) Daria: You tell anyone you saw me doing that, I'll cut your tongue out. Jane: My lips are sealed. Trent: Never mind her, Daria. So, what are your plans for this weekend? Daria: Other than surviving another annual ritual where everyone camps out in front of their TV's and watches grown men tackle each other to the ground for some stupid trophy? Trent: Oh, yeah. The Stupid Bowl. (Jane snickers sinisterly over that remark.) Daria: I suppose Mom and Dad are going to make me watch it again this year. It's all crap, you know. The NFC team almost always wins by a blowout, the commercials are overpriced and even more stupid than usual, and the half-time show is always hokey. Jane: Not to mention the very long pregame show they'll have and the really stupid new show they'll have after the game that will be quietly canceled after three months. Daria: How long will the pregame show be, anyway? Jane: Seven hours. (Daria makes a retching noise over that.) Trent: Need to go to the doctor, Daria? Daria: No, just shoot me and put me out of my misery. Trent: For what it's worth, The Zen's going to have a "Bowl-Buster" all-day mega-concert. Mystik Spiral will be headlining, of course. Daria: Of course, I'll have to come up with some excuse as to why I need to get out of the house. Jane: Tell them you're going to help me with math. Daria: I've beaten that dead horse a thousand times already. Trent: How about you tell the guys you want to get me a birthday gift? My birthday's coming up soon. (5) Daria: If they buy that, they'd buy anything. Jane: C'mon, Daria! What would you rather do, have to see Jake guzzle beer endlessly, or hear the new chord Trent's learned to play? Daria: All right, birthday-gift shopping it is. Trent: I knew you'd do the right thing, Daria. (He draws her close, then kisses her on the forehead. Daria blushes.) Jane: Is that the most romantic you can get? Daria: Remember--(She sticks her tongue out and makes a cutting motion across it with her finger.) Jane: Si, Señorita Morgendorffer! -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Scene 3: The Thompson residence. About 6:20 PM. Background music: That damn theme music for "Fox NFL Sunday". (Kevin is with his father, Doug, and his mother, Charlene, as they watch the local news. The sports reporter is on.) Sports Reporter: The eyes of the world will be on Miami this Sunday as Super Bowl XXXIII will pit the Denver Broncos against the Atlanta Falcons. Broncos quarterback John Elway hopes to end his career on a high note with a successful defense of his team's championship last year. Doug: Yeah, and I've got five C's lined up on Denver with Steve Taylor. (To Kevin.) It was real nice of Brittany's father to invite us to her place for the game. (Charlene huffs.) C'mon, Charlene! Don't be sore about it! Charlene: For the last time, Doug, that Taylor girl is nothing but trouble! Kevin: Aw, Mom! If you just gave her half a chance. . . Charlene: Kevin, she's no good for you! Doug: C'mon' Charlene! It won't kill you to be at least sociable with them for a day! Besides, if they do get married, we'll probably have the nicest grandkids in Lawndale! (Charlene just rolls her eyes.) Kevin: (Trying to extract himself from this mess) Uh, I'd better see if the pot roast is done. (He gets up.) Doug: Now look what you made Kevin do! He left because you were trashing his girlfriend! Charlene: Douglas Thompson, you'd better watch it if you don't want a bloody lip! Doug: Oh, yeah? Go ahead and try it! (Cut to Kevin tending to the pot roast. We suddenly hear a loud "SMACK!" as if someone was being hit.) Kevin: HMMMM, needs some more salt. -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Scene 4: The Griffin residence. About the same time. Background music: the opening guitar riffs from "She's Got the Look" by Roxette. (The whole family is watching the TV. Tom and Linda are sitting on a couch, while Sandi is sitting on a chair. Sam and Chris are wrestling on the floor. Fluffy, Sandi's pet cat, is rummaging through Sandi's make-up bag, and begins to eat foundation. Sandi sees it and bolts for Fluffy.) Sandi: Like, Fluffy, no! You want to throw up again? (She shoos Fluffy away, who then runs away, hissing.) Dumb cat! Tom: Anyway, did I tell you that Jake Morgendorffer invited us over for the game on Sunday? Linda: WHAT! Tom, you know what happened the last time we were there! (6) Tom: Come on, Linda! At least give them one more chance! Linda: I can't stand that kooky older daughter of theirs, Daria! She must take bitch lessons from her mother! Tom: At least give them one more chance, Honey? Besides, I've got three hundred against Jake on the game; I chose the Falcons. Linda: Oh, all right! But if anything happens, I'm going to nail Helen's ass to the wall, even if it means she gets disbarred! (Sam and Chris wrestle past Tom and Linda, and knock into Sandi.) Sandi: Like, take your infantile act somewhere else! Sam: Why don't you take your act somewhere else, Sis? (Sandi leaves with an undignified air around her.) Chris: Good one there, Bro! (Sam punches him.) Linda: (To herself.) Then again, with a family like ours, should we really be that judgmental about the Morgendorffers? -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Scene 5: The Landon residence. About the same time. Background music: the opening guitar riffs to "No Sleep 'Til Brooklyn" by the Beastie Boys. (We see Andrew, Michele, Jodie, Rachel and Evan eating dinner. Evan is spitting up his peas all over Rachel.) Rachel: MOM! Evan did it again! Michele: Rachel, you're just going to have to be patient with Evan. He's still a baby. Andrew: (To Jodie) Excited about having Michael and his folks over for the game on Sunday? Jodie: Yeah, but did you have to put that big bet with his dad? Andrew: Jodie, betting on the Super Bowl is an American tradition like hot dogs and apple pie! It's kind of a guy thing. Jodie: It's like playing the lottery or going to Vegas; you lose a lot more than you win. Andrew: But I can't lose! The guys at the Rathskeller (7) said it's a sure thing the Broncos are going to win it again! Jodie: Dad, I just think gambling is wrong! Andrew: Women just don't understand these things, Jodie. Michele: It's bad enough I suspect the Morgendorffers of being closet racists; do you have to be an overt sexist on top of that? Andrew: But, Michele, I didn't mean it that way. . . Michele: (Picking up her plate as if to throw it.) Get out of here, Andrew Landon, before I fling this at you! (He goes.) And you can sleep on the couch tonight for all I care! (Jodie just closes her eyes and puts her hand to her forehead.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Scene 6: The Morgendorffer residence, 1111 Glen Oaks Lane. About 7:00 PM. Background music: the opening drum solo and "Doo-do-do-dooo!" from "The Battle of Who Could Care Less" from Ben Folds Five. (Show the outside, then cut to the living room. Daria and Jane are watching "Sick, Sad World". We now see the TV screen as we see Nostradamus waving his hands over a crystal ball.) SSW Announcer: Did Nostradamus predict who would win this Sunday's Super Bowl? We'll tell you here tonight, on "Sick, Sad World"! Daria: Dammit, even our favorite show in the world's sold out to all the Super Bowl madness! Jane: Well, it could be worse, they could have said that he also predicted who would win Bud Bowl '99! (Cut to the TV again.) SSW Reporter: Curiously enough, Nostradamus also predicted that the combined Bud Light/Bud Dry team would win the Bud Bowl this year. Daria: You spoke too soon. (Quinn comes down wearing the same outfit she wore when she dumped Corey in the "Quinn the Brain" episode.) Quinn: While you guys bitch and moan about your lack of social life, I've got a date with Jeffy! Bye! (She exits.) Daria: Ah, to be young and airheaded! Jane: Have you approached Jake and Helen about getting out of the Stupor Bowl yet? Daria: Not yet. I've just got to pick the right moment. (We now hear something crash in the kitchen. Then, we see Jake running for his life as the cordless phone is flung at him from the direction of the kitchen.) Helen: (Off-camera) JAKE! YOU KLUTZ! I WAS WORKING ON THAT CASE FOR HOURS, AND YOU KNOCKED ALL MY PAPERWORK ALL OVER THE PLACE! GET OUT, AND STAY OUT! Jake: AAAAAAAAAAAAA! Jane: I don't think now is the time to ask them. (An organ interlude can be heard as Janet Wygal sings "Excuse me! Excuse me!" We now see a widescreen shot of the scene where Kevin is checking the pot roast in slow-motion and in a blue tint with the Daria logo superimposed over it.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------- COMMERCIAL BREAK # 1 -------------------------------------------------------------------------- (The first commercial opens with a scene that should be very familiar to readers of Mark Zero Fan Fiction by now. We see Der Führer Brad Schlitz, Leader of the Upstate Nazi Party, sitting at a desk with a Nazi flag behind him.) Schlitz: DUH! I am Der Führer Brad Schlitz, Leader of the Upstate Nazi Party! I think all my tax money goes to New York City! I think the Kingsbury Town Board is corrupt! Every last one of them! The proposed Dix Avenue Industrial Park is nothing more but a scheme to funnel more of my tax money to evil Downstate! Heil me! (He gives the Nazi salute.) Although the Town Board election is still months away, I have anointed--er--chosen my party's candidate for Town Supervisor--Terance Corlo! (Cut to a shot of Corlo.) Corlo: If elected, I will abolish every government service that the Town of Kingsbury provides, including highway maintenance, the industrial development agency, the recreation committee and everything else, just so Brad and I can save a few measly dollars off our tax bill! And I will also push for clear-cut logging in the Adirondack Park and the abolition of welfare. Schlitz: So, on November 2, vote for Terance Corlo, or else! (He stands up and gives the Nazi salute.) Heil me! Corlo: (Standing up and giving the Nazi salute back.) ZEIG HEIL! Announcer: Paid for by the Upstate Nazi Party, a/k/a the Upstate Taxpayer's Alliance, a/k/a the I, Brad Schlitz Rubber Stamp Politburo and Reichstag, a/k/a Angry White Males for a Right-Wing Dictatorship. (Another commercial.) (Stock concert footage of the Monks playing in Germany.) Announcer: Long before there was Nirvana, long before there was the Clash, long before there was the Doors, there was the Monks! The Monks: It's Hop Time! It's Monk Time! Announcer: Five American ex-GI's living in Germany put on all-black clothing, wore rope neckties and shaved their heads partly bald and set out to change the face of rock and roll forever. Gary Burger: Well, I hate you with a passion, Baby! The Monks: But call me! Announcer: At long last, Black Monk Time, the only album ever released by this ground-breaking group, is available in America! Gary Burger: Complication! Complication! Complication! Constipation! Announcer: This new domestic re-issue includes all twelve tracks from the original import release, as well as seven bonus tracks, including four rare "A" and "B" sides, a live track, and two demos. Gary Burger: Boys are boys and girls are choice! Announcer: Black Monk Time from the Monks. An album that--after more than thirty years later--is still ahead of its time. Available on Infinite Zero Archive CD's and cassettes. Distributed by American Recordings. On sale now at your favorite music store. -------------------------------------------------------------------------- ACT II--97, LOS ANGELES CLIPPERS 76 (What a joke that team is!) -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Scene 1: The Morgendorffer residence, about 10:30 AM Saturday. (Daria and Quinn are watching "Karate Chop Theater". The movie being shown is "Project A", featuring Jackie Chan.(8) Quinn comes down the stairs, wearing [guess what?] that stupid smiley face T-shirt and that infamous red miniskirt she wore to seduce Kevin in "The Lab Brat".) Quinn: I'm off to Cranberry Commons with the Fashion Club! Daria: (Noticing the way Quinn's dressed.) Uh, isn't that skirt a bit too revealing? (9) Quinn: How would you know? You wear that same stupid outfit day in, day out. Those boots of yours hide your legs. I bet you and Jane don't even shave your legs or your armpits! Daria: For your information, Quinn, we do. Quinn: Besides, Jesse doesn't dig girls with hairy legs; they make him think he's going out with a big ape. (Daria sniffs the air.) Daria: Good Lord, Quinn! You're not wearing-- Quinn: Yes, I am! I'm wearing my "Nothing Smells!" all-over teen body deodorant and moisturizing spray! (10) Daria: You know, Quinn, most gynecologists recommend against using feminine deodorant sprays like that. Quinn: (Sniffing the air herself.) I see you and Jane follow that advice! PHEW! Daria: (Getting sick of it all.) Here, smell this! (She stands up, turns around, lifts up the back of her skirt and moons Quinn. Quinn shrieks.) Quinn: MOM! DAD! DARIA JUST MOONED ME! Daria: Mom and Dad are not here; they went to Food Lord to stock up on goodies for the game tomorrow. Quinn: But Mom was going to take me up to the mall! Jane: Don't worry; before she left, she made alternate means of getting you up there. Quinn: Oh, no! Not that! Anything but that! (But it's too late. Trent enters the room.) Trent: Ready to go there-- Quinn: I HAVE A NAME, YOU KNOW! Trent: Don't go postal on me, Quinn; I'm just helping out Mrs. M. Quinn: FINE! I'll meet you in that rust bucket you call a car! (She leaves with a big huff.) Trent: Is Daria's sister always like this? Quinn: (Off-camera) I HEARD THAT! Jane: I'm afraid so, Trent. Daria: Think you need something to deaden the pain, Trent? Trent: Nah; odds are, I'll probably be fast asleep long before we get there. (He goes.) Jane: That's what I'm afraid of. -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Scene 2: Food Lord Supermarket (11). About the same time. Background music: the instrumental bridge of "Ocean" by Sebadoh. (Jake and Helen are loading up various party supplies in their cart: beer, soda, chips, paper plates, etc. They run into Tom and Linda, who are doing the same.) Linda: (Saying this in a fake tone of sincerity.) Helen! It's so good to see you! (Helen has that look that seems to say "Oh, no! Anyone but her!") Helen: (Equally insincere.) Nice to meet you too, Linda. Linda: I heard you managed to get that Lane girl and her friends off that bank robbery rap. (12) Helen: (Trying her best to sound like it was nothing.) Oh, I owe it all to all those long hours of research my assistant Marianne put into it. Tom: Ready for the big game tomorrow, Jake? Jake: Yeah, sure! My Broncos are going to cream your Falcons! Tom: Will your daughters be there as well? Helen: Quinn and Daria WILL be there, even if I have to strangle Daria's neck! (Linda has that look of "Oh, no! Anything but that!" on her face, while Tom cringes, knowing what happened to him last time. [13] ) Linda: (Rather icily now.) Well, that's nice to know. (Andrew and Michelle now approach.) Andrew: Hey, it's the Morgendorffers! (Michelle has that look of "Oh, no! Here we go again!" on her face.) Jake: Hey, Andrew! What's up, my man! (He sticks his hand out as if to give a high five. Andrew is repulsed.) Andrew: You're not trying to give me a high five, are you? Jake: C'mon, it's what the brothers do all the time, don't they? Michelle: There they go again! Helen: (At the worst moment possible for this.) I've got to pick up some more Aunt Jemimah(tm) pancake mix! Andrew: AHA! I knew you were bigoted! Jake: What did I do? Linda: Oh, are we secretly wearing KKK robes beneath those power suits of yours, Helen? Helen: Linda, you are making wild accusations that have no solid basis in the truth! Linda: You know, if I didn't take that job as KSBC's Vice President of Marketing, I would have been a top-notch investigative journalist for "20/20" or "Dateline NBC" by now! (14) Helen: Yeah, right! Rub it in on me! You know Eric's seriously considering making me a partner in the firm! (The situation degenerates to a loud argument among the three couples. Steve and Ashley-Amber Taylor now enter.) Steve: (To Ashley-Amber.) Well, well, well, it seems the Morgendorffers, the Landons and the Griffins are at it again. Time for me to play the role of peacemaker again. Ashley-Amber: Go for it, Honey! (She giggles.) Steve: (To the arguing crowd.) Sorry if I'm interrupting World War III, but I heard this one great joke at a cocktail party recently. (Suddenly, they stop. He's got their attention now.) There was this traveling salesman who stopped at a gas station, and he asked the attendant there what was the best route to Peoria. (15) The attendant said, "Well, you could take the main highway to the left, or you can take the scenic road over there." The salesman said, "Why would that be the scenic road?" The attendant said, "Well, there's a lot of beautiful scenery, and, besides, it's got the best whorehouse in this part of the state!" (He laughs out loud. For some unknown reason, the others laugh as well over this rather pitiful joke. He's done it; he's stopped the arguing.) Ashley-Amber: (To herself.) I've really got to bone up on those community property laws. (Doug and Charlene now approach.) Doug: Hey, it's Daria and Quinn's parents, along with Brittany's folks and Jodie's parents as well! Charlene: (Like she doesn't want to meet Brittany's parents.) C'mon, Doug! Finding the spare ribs that Kevin likes to munch on is pretty difficult as it is! Doug: It'll only be for a minute! (He goes up to them.) Hey, folks! What's up? Steve: Ah, yes, Doug. It will be a pleasure to have you, the wife and your son over tomorrow! What were you planning to bring? Doug: Well, Kevin is crazy for spare ribs. Steve: Spare ribs? Your son has not lived until he's had some porterhouse steak. Now that, my friend, is beef the way it should be. Andrew: Spare ribs? Douglas, you're not getting that just to insult me, are you? Michele: (Realizing that this is getting tiresome.) Andrew, put a sock in it! Jake: (Trying to extricate himself and Helen out of this.) Uh, Helen, weren't we going to find those Crunch Berries(tm) for Quinn? Helen: Oh, yes! Now I remember! Got to run now! Bye! (She and Jake head off.) Sniping little bastards, the whole lot of them! Jake: Yeah, they are kind of nice, aren't they? (Helen calmly rips open a bag of chips and dumps it on Jake's head; she leaves him, fuming.) Hey, what did I do? -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Scene 3: The Lane residence, 111 Howard Drive. About 12:00 PM. Background music: the opening bars of "Come as You Are" by Nirvana. (Shot of the exterior, then cut to the basement. All of Mystik Spiral is here: lead singer and guitarist Trent, rhythm guitarist Jesse Moreno, bassist Nicholas Campbell and drummer Max Tyler. Daria and Jane are sitting on some crates some distance back. The band's in the middle of playing "Behind My Eyelids".) Trent: Behind my eyelids/Is a world you cannot see/A place that's just for me/Behind my eyelids. (16) (Suddenly, one of the strings on his guitar breaks.) Aw, damn! Daria: I wonder if Bob Dylan has this problem happening to him? Jane: If he did, he wouldn't have written a song about it. Daria: And Trent has? Jane: I'm afraid so. Jesse: Why don't we take five, Trent? Trent: Yeah, whatever. (To Daria.) So, you're ready for the concert tomorrow? Daria: I don't even know if I can get out of watching the Super Bowl with my folks; not only that, we're expecting Sandi's family over. Trent: (Who grimaces at that.) Yeah, I know what that bitch did to you when you and Janey were at that car wash fund raiser. (17) (He gets close to Daria.) Hey, I know how she gets under your skin like she does. From what I hear from you, Janey and Quinn, Sandi just chews up people who get in her way. You don't have to take that crap from her. (He puts a friendly arm around her shoulders, but then hesitates and tries to withdraw it; Daria, however, keeps it in place, assuring Trent that it's all right.) Daria, never give up what you believe in and sell out to people like your sister or Sandi. You stand up for what you feel is right. Never let anyone tell you anything different. Jane: Man, that is so deep. (She leers at Jesse. She then goes to him and leans on him heavily like she did in "The Road Worrier".) Jesse: Whoa! Your sister is one "take charge" kind of lady there, Trent! Trent: (Snickering.) Man, you two were made for each other. Max: (To Nicholas.) How come they get all the luck with girls and we don't? Nicholas: Beats me, Max. (Jane now shoves Jesse to the wall and begins to kiss him. Jesse, to say the least, is shocked.) Daria: Jane always was flirtatious. Jesse: (Gasping for breath.) Man, that was something else! You want to go out on a date or something? Jane: Well, I have been asking you for some time, but it seems you were a bit busy. (18) Jesse: After practice breaks up, you want to go out for a late lunch? Jane: Sure. Daria: Trent, what do you want to do after practice? Trent: Get some shut-eye. (Daria admittedly scowls a bit.) Daria: Then, after that? Trent: Don't worry, Daria. After my nap, the whole Lane clan's going to work something out for you so you can make the concert. Take it from me, we all can't stand the Super Bowl, even if the rest of Lawndale thinks that's un-American. Daria: Thanks a lot, Trent. Trent: No problem! (He kisses Daria on the cheek. She blushes.) Jane: (To Trent.) So, how will we help Daria get out of the Super Sunday from Hell? Trent: Mom and Dad are working on something; after all, it's the least they can do after Daria helped clear Penny's name. Jane: You're a real prince there, Trent. Trent: Hey, anything for my sister's best friend. Daria: Well, I'd better head upstairs. I want to get something to drink. Trent: There's some beer in the fridge. Daria: Nah, I'd better not risk it. Mom will probably run a breathalyzer test on me when I get back. Trent: (Snickering.) C'mon, Daria. Don't worry about what your mother's going to do to you all the time. Daria: Perhaps Jane should fill you in on the "Family Court" incident. (19) Jane: It gets pretty ugly. (Suddenly, a loud motorcycle noise is heard. Everyone steps out to the driveway. We see two people on a Harley-Davidson motorcycle; one male, the other female in rather familiar-looking clothes. As they remove their helmets, we notice one of them is Andrea, the other is a guy with long black hair, black beard and earrings in both his ears.) Daria: Andrea, what are you doing here? Andrea: Hey, Daria! You don't know this, but Max asked my father here to be head of security for the concert tomorrow. (Everyone's got this "Holy shit!" look on their faces.) Andrea's Dad: Nice to meet all of you! (He and Andrea get off the Harley. He extends his hand to Daria.) I'm Harold Hecuba, (20) owner and operator or Hecuba Security. "We Guard the Impossible" is our motto. (He shakes Daria's hand.) Daria: How oddly appropriate. Andrea: By the way, Daria, here's some more of my strips. (Handing them to Daria.) If it wasn't for Ms. Li and her stupid censorship, this would be a very good addition to the "Lawndale Lowdown". Daria: Well, you can always submit it to one of the underground newspapers here. Trent: Monique's involved with the "Lawndale Buzz"; her mother runs it. (21) Andrea: Hey! Why didn't I think of that in the first place! Harold: You guys ready for the concert? Daria: If I can find a way out of the Super Bowl. Harold: Yeah, I hate football. I once tried out for the high school team, and that idiot Doug Thompson grabbed the last spot from me! Man, I've never gotten over that. Andrea: Want me to put a curse on him, Dad? Harold: I already beat you to that; why do you think Kevin is dumb as a brick? (Nervous laughter issues from the gang.) Daria: (To Jane.) I always suspected that Andrea was a Satanist, but I didn't knew her whole family was. (Harold takes out a flask and takes a swig from it.) Jane: Hey, we're kind of agnostic in my family, so it doesn't worry me that much. Daria: I always thought that being an agnostic was kind of like being "half-pregnant". Jane: Hey, it works for me. Harold: Anyway, folks, your security worries are over. As long as the Big H here is on duty, nothing's going to be happening on my watch. Daria: With guys like you, who needs criminals? (Once again, nervous laughter all around.) Jane: Hey, I just got one of my ideas. Daria: If it involves anything with participating in an after-school activity like Jodie keeps hounding me about or if it involves anything kinky, I don't want any part of it. Jane: Nope. I think Andrea's the key to getting you out of the Super Bowl party from Hell. Daria: You don't mean. . . Jane: Yep. Time to do some hexing around here. (Daria rolls her eyes.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Scene 4: The Lane's living room. A few minutes later. Background music: the opening bars of "Dope Show" by Marilyn Manson. (Mystik Spiral, Daria, Jane, Andrea and Harold are sitting in chairs, sofas, etc. Jane has her voodoo doll she keeps beneath her bed. [22]) Jane: Fell like putting a hex on Helen so that she changes her mind and lets Daria go to the concert tomorrow, Andrea? Andrea: Sure. (Jane hands her the doll. She now takes one of the pins out.) Make Helen Morgendorffer change her mind and let Daria go to the concert! (She jabs the pin into the doll's head.) Daria: That doll didn't work on Ms. Morris, Jane. What makes you sure it'll work on my mother? Jane: Hey, I'll get my five bucks worth out of it sooner or later. Trent: Man, this is crazy. Daria: I have to agree with him. (Amanda now enters; she has some calamine tea ready.) Amanda: You guys want some tea? Jane: Sure. (She takes a cup.) Daria: I'll pass, thanks. (The others, however, take some.) Amanda: Jane, I've got some excellent news for you. Your art teacher's going to be joining my weekly Women in Clay support group. (23) Jane: Cool. Trent: This tea doesn't have any caffeine, tannin or sulfites in it, does it, Mom? Amanda: No. Trent: Good. (He downs it.) Andrea: I hope this will work. (Hands the doll back to Jane.) Jane: It better. Daria: I still have my doubts. Jane: Maybe you should go home and check. Daria: I think I will. (She gets up and leaves.) Jane: If it's working, I'll suck on my brushes. -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Scene 5: On Howard Lane. A minute or two later. Background music: the opening synthesizer and drum segment of "Natural One" from Folk Implosion. (Daria is walking down the street. Driving down the street are the members of the Fashion Club. Sandi's at the wheel with Quinn next to her. Stacy and Tiffany are in the back.) Sandi: Oh, there's your weirdo sister Daria, Quinn. (24) Tiffany: Man, she is so unfashionable. Stacy: Well, maybe she likes to make her own fashion statements. Sandi: (Shooting a fierce glance at Stacy.) Keep this up and you'll be out of the Fashion Club, Stacy. (Stacy cringes in fear; she shuts up.) Tiffany: You really know how to handle any situation, Sandi. Sandi: That's why I'm the President of the Fashion Club. (Quinn kind of scowls at that remark.) Tiffany: What are you going to do, Sandi? Sandi: Just watch me. (She pulls up next to Daria.) Hey, Daria, where are you going? Daria: Home, where else? At least I don't make obsessive trips to the mall like some people I know. Sandi: (Stung by that remark.) Well, at least it beats going to the library or that loser Zen place you and your weirdo friend Jane go to. Daria: Your taunts aren't going to get anywhere with me, Sandi, so give it up. (Daria proceeds to walk away. Sandi now revs up the engine and peels away, hoping to rattle Daria's cage. Daria isn't fazed at the least. Sandi scowls. Now she sees a half-full bottle of spring water next to her. She unscrews the top of it and then drives by Daria. She spills the contents of it all over Daria. Sandi and Tiffany now laugh. Quinn is shocked at what she sees, as is Stacy. Close-up of Daria, who's now all wet and fuming. She loses it and goes up to Sandi, half-dragging her out of the car. She socks her in the right eye.) Sandi: (In a full panic.) DARIA, STOP IT! IT WAS JUST A JOKE! (Daria just ignores her and proceeds to haul her out of the car completely now. She kicks the shit out of her with her Doc Martins boots.) Quinn: (Bolting out of the car.) Daria, stop it! Sandi didn't mean it! (Daria raises a fist at Sandi, who's now whining something like "Mother!" Quinn grabs Daria's fist.) Daria: Let me at her, Quinn! I hated that bitch since I first met her at that party Brittany invited me over to! (25) Sandi: Quinn, maybe I should have just kept thinking that Daria's your cousin! Daria: You little bitch! Always thinking your so superior because you're popular and fashionable and you think anyone who's got brains and who can think for themselves are jerks! Sandi: You should talk! You think you're so superior because you're so smart and cynical! Daria: Then there was the case of you trying to stop David MacAllister from running for Student Government President! (26) (The incident has drawn a crowd. Jane, Trent and Andrea have stepped out on the street as well.) Jane: Andrea, you'd better do something real quick; if Helen gets word of what happened, she'll ground Daria and she won't go to the concert! Andrea: Yeah, sure. (She takes another needle.) Make Sandi forget what happened! (She jabs it into the voodoo doll's head.) Sandi: (Suddenly getting a sharp pain in her head.) Uh--uh--oh. I forgot what I was fighting about. (She gets up and goes into the car.) Let's get out of here. Andrea: Make everyone but Daria, Jane and Trent think what happened was due to her banging her head into a door handle at Cashman's! (She jabs another needle into the doll.) (Everyone but Daria, Jane, Trent and Andrea now get sharp pains in their heads. Cut to the car.) Sandi: Well, duh! That will teach me to watch where I'm going and avoid swinging doors at Cashman's! (Cut back to Daria, Jane and Andrea.) Daria: I owe you one, Andrea; at least, as long as it doesn't involve selling my soul to the Devil. Andrea: I'll make it a freebie this time. Jane: (To Daria.) If Methostopholes comes for your so, Doctor Faustus, run for it! Daria: I'll carry my AK-47 just to be safe. Trent: Walk you home, Daria? Daria: (She can't possibly resist that offer, can she?) Sure. (Trent wraps his arm around her back. Daria blushes a bit. Jane smirks that mischievous grin of hers.) Tell anyone you saw that, Jane, and I'll scratch your eyes out! -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Scene 6: The Morgendorffer's living room. A few minutes later. Background music: the opening guitar riffs from "Possum Kingdom" by the Toadies. (Jake's busy getting the house cleaned up. Helen's on the couch, suffering from a migraine headache; it seem obvious that Andrea's voodoo curse is working.) Jake: You know, Helen, I'm just glad Tom's decided to give me another chance at hosting his family. Maybe one day we can return the favor. Helen: Please keep it down, Jake! This headache's killing me! (Quinn enters, toting some bags marked "CASHMAN'S".) Quinn: (In a loud voice.) Hi, Mom! Dad! (Jake goes "SHHHH!" and points to Helen. Quinn gets the message and lowers her voice.) What's with her? Jake: Mom's got a headache. How was your day? Quinn: Cashman's just got the cutest Denver Broncos mini-dress! (She pulls it out. Jake stares at it in half-curiosity, half-shock.) Jake: (Nervously.) Well--uh--that is cute. Quinn: You know, after I got this, Sandi bumped into a door handle and blackened her eye. (Yes, Andrea's voodoo curses are working!) (Daria enters.) Jake: Hey, kiddo! What's happening? Daria: Jane's invited me to a "Bowl-Buster" concert at the Zen. Could I go to it? Jake: Well, we were going to have the Griffins over for the game; they'd be disappointed if you weren't here. Helen: Jake, just shut your big mouth up! I don't care if Daria's here for the game or not! Let her go to her stupid concert! (Daria grins that Mona Lisa smile of hers. Andrea's voodoo curse has worked.) Quinn: Boy, did you miss it, Daria! Daria: Miss what? Quinn: Sandi banged her eye into a door handle at Cashman's! If you only went to the mall like normal people, you'd know these things. Daria: They'd have to do a lobotomy on me to make me like "normal" people are. Quinn: (Giggling.) Oh, Daria! You always have to look at the dark side of things! Can't you look at the bright side once in a while? Daria: (To herself.) That will be the same day you, Mom and Dad show some signs of intelligence. Jake: Well, if you don't mind, I'm going to string up the black, orange and white streamers around the living room. Matches the Bronco's colors. (He goes to get the streamers.) Daria: If you don't mind, I have a phone call to make. (She heads upstairs.) Helen: Of all the times to have a headache, why did it have to be when I have to finish my preliminary briefs for the exploding Yahtzee(r) dice lawsuit against Games We Iz? -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Scene 7: Daria's room. A few minutes later. Background music: the opening horn section from "The Theme from Coach". (Daria is dialing her cordless phone. Split screen to show Jane answering her phone.) Jane: Yo! Daria: It worked. Mom was so powerless with her headache she gave me the green light to go to the concert. Jane: Hey, my doll does work after all! Daria: When will you and Trent be picking me up? Jane: The concert starts at 9 o'clock in the morning. Figure for about 6? Daria: Damn, and I was going to watch "Demon City Shinjuku" on the Sci-Fi Channel tonight. Jane: So tape it and we'll watch it during our weekly "Bad Movie Night" next Sunday. (27) Daria: Man, Saturday nights have just not been the same since Gilbert Godfried left "USA Up All Night". Jane: (Imitating Godfried.) I wouldn't have been stuck in that God-awful gig and doing the voice of Iago the parrot in Aladdin if I didn't say that horrendous joke about masturbation during the 1990 Emmy Awards! Daria: Catch you tomorrow then? Jane: Sure. Bye! (She hangs up. Full-screen shot of Daria hanging up.) Daria: I can't believe I'm all set. I'll believe it when I see it. -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Scene 8: The same. About 5:59 AM Sunday morning. Background music: the opening guitar riffs to "The Day I Tried to Live" by Soundgarden. (Daria is seen in bed, in her usual bedclothes or blue T-shirt and yellow shorts. She looks rather cute without her glasses and her eyes closed. The clock now buzzes as it hits 6 o'clock. Daria grumbles and drags herself out of bed. Head-and-shoulders shot of her in the shower, washing her arms. Shot of her washing her face in the sink. Shot of her lacing up her boots, then a shot of her zipping up her jacket. We hear a car horn honking. Shot of Daria going down the stairs. Shot of the front door as Daria opens it and she goes to Trent's car. The car drives off.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Scene 9: The Zen, Dega Street. About 6:30 AM. (The stage is being set. We see above the stage where the "Mystik Spiral" banner usually is a banner that has the words "SUPER BOWL XXXIII" written on it with an international "No" sign over it: a red circle with a red slash through it. Daria and Jane are hanging out at a table as Mystik Spiral is setting up.) Daria: I still can't believe I'm actually here. Pinch me and see if I'm asleep. Jane: If I did that, you'd probably sock me but good! Daria: Point taken. (Trent now approaches.) Trent: Hey, Daria. Ready for the big gig? Daria: You make it sound like I should be up there with you. Trent: Well, we were thinking of writing a song where you play a harmonica part. (28) Daria: (Blushing.) Trent, I'm flattered. Trent: We'd better finish setting things up. We have the first gig at 9 o'clock. We'll be back up at noon, 6 o'clock and again at 10. Daria: Good luck, Trent. Trent: Thanks, Daria. (He kisses her on the forehead. Daria blushes again.) Jane: You always get so weak in the knees with him. Daria: Breathe a word of this to anyone and I'll rip your lungs out. Jane: My lips are sealed! Daria: I wonder how the rest of the loonies I call my family is doing? Jane: Probably loading up on the Prozac like everyone else. -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Scene 10: The Morgendorffer's house. About 10:00 AM Background music: the opening horn section to "The Theme from 'First and Ten: In Your Face!'" (29) (Jake, Helen and Quinn are all in the living room. Jake and Helen are in casual clothes of the type they had worn in the "Fair Enough" episode; Quinn is wearing the Broncos mini-dress she picked up. The doorbell rings.) Helen: Quinn! Please answer the door! (Quinn gets the door. The Griffins file in: Tom's first, followed by Linda, then Sam and Chris, who are fighting as usual; Sandi enters last.) Tom: Hello, everyone! Jake: Tom, my man! (They shake hands.) Linda: (In a phony tone of friendliness.) Hello, Helen. Helen: (Faking it herself.) Hello, Linda. Sam: Hey, Quinn! I wanna marry you! Chris: No way, dillweed! I'm gonna marry her! (30) Quinn: EWWWWWW! Sandi: Like, Quinn, you look like that Ginger Spice girl in that outfit! Quinn: Really? Sandi: Too bad she's not with the band anymore. Modeling yourself after has-been rock singers is so unfashionable! (Quinn's devastated by that. She pouts all the way back to the living room.) Sam: I'm gonna marry Quinn, bunghole! Chris: No, I am, assmunch! (They trade punches.) Quinn: (Seeing all this.) I wonder who those two remind me of? (That ethereal-sounding version of "La, la, LA, la, la!" that ended the second segment of "Arts 'N' Crass" can be heard as we see a widescreen shot of the scene where Andrea is sticking a needle in the voodoo doll's head played in slow motion and in a blue tint, with the Daria logo superimposed over it.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------- COMMERCIAL BREAK # 2 -------------------------------------------------------------------------- (A man is seen banging a gong with the words "A J. Arthur Rank Enterprise" imprinted on it. Suddenly, some karate fighters emerge and fight in sequence to the tune of "Kung Fu Fighting".) Announcer: On the next edition of Karate Chop Theater, it's "Kung Fu 2055"! The great-great-grandson of Kwai Chang Caine fights evil Martians in the future! (Shot of an ugly Martian threatening Caine.) Martian: Surrender, human, or pay the consequences! (Shot of Caine. We hear a flute as we see a flashback of Caine at a Shaolin temple with Peter Caine.) Peter: Remember, my son, one does not completely lose if one does not surrender! (The flute can be heard again as we flash back to Caine.) Caine: Did he say "Sip?"31 (Caine now proceeds to karate chop the Martian senseless. He now takes a bottle of Lipton(r) Brisk(tm) Iced Tea and guzzles it.) Announcer: Don't miss all the exciting action in "Kung Fu 2055"! Coming this Saturday only on Karate Chop Theater, at its new time of 10:30 AM here on this station! (Another commercial.) Announcer: At MegaBank, we specialize in buying out "Mom-and-Pop" banks like the one in your hometown and altering it beyond recognition. We put our logo over theirs, fire all the workers and replace them with people who live over an hour's drive from your town. Not only that, we charge you extra if you use our tellers instead of our ATM's and we even charge exorbitantly for that as well. We also charge usurious rates on our credit cards as well as high rates on our mortgages, car loans and other loans as well as pay you pitiful interest on your savings and checking accounts. And there's nothing you can do to stop us; we'll be in your hometown eventually. So, check us out at MegaBank. We're Here, So Get Used To It--Or Else! Member FDIC, but if we keep stretching out like this and go under, those four initials are going to mean bupkiss to you now, won't it? -------------------------------------------------------------------------- NEW YORK KNICKS --135, ACT III--132 (See, the act lost in that one. Heaven help the Knicks, though, if Latrell Sprewell chokes Jeff Van Gundy!) -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Scene 1: The Zen. About 9:00 AM. (The Bowl-Buster concert is about to begin. A rather large crowd's been gathered for the occasion. Daria and Jane are toward the rear of the crowd. Mystik Spiral now mounts the stage. Trent goes to the microphone.) Trent: Good morning, everyone. We're Mystik Spiral, but we're thinking about changing our name. I'm Trent Lane, your lead singer and guitarist. Jesse Moreno's the rhythm guitarist; Nicholas Campbell is on bass, and Max Tyler is on drums. Welcome to the Zen's first annual Bowl-Buster all-day concert. (Cheers, applause, etc.) Let's get this concert going with a new song we just wrote for the occasion called "Stupid Bowl"! (The guitars crank up.) Trent: You are so goddamn obsessed/With that stupid game;/The excuses you're making/Are just very lame!/Why don't you just take my heart/And punt it along;/As far as our love's concerned/We're at fourth and long! (Monster guitar riffs.) Trent and Jesse: STUPID BOWL!/STUPID BOWL!/I DON'T WANNA PLAY/IN YOUR STUPID BOWL!/STUPID BOWL!/STUPID BOWL!/I HAVE BEEN INJURED/ IN YOUR STUPID BOWL--OF LOVE! (Monster guitar solo by Trent. The crowd forms a mosh pit.) Daria: Well, that one's going over very well with the crowd. Jane: Hey, why not join in the mosh pit? Daria: Anything that could result in my being seriously injured is not my idea of fun. Jane: Hey, it's your funeral. (She charges into the crowd. Cut to the stage, where we see Jane get on, then makes a stage dive into the crowd. Daria just shakes her head in disbelief.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Scene 2: The Taylor Residence, Crewe Neck Gated Community, Lawndale. About 12:00 PM. Background music: the opening guitar riff from "Middle Man" by Living Colour. (Steve, Ashley-Amber, Brittany and Brian are sitting in the living room. Brian is petting a cat's head so hard its head is bouncing up and down like a basketball.) Brian: NICE KITTY! HEH HEH HEH HEH HEH! Cat: MEROWER! HISSSSSSSSSS! Steve: We should be expecting Kevin and his folks here soon. Ashley-Amber, please make sure they fell welcome here. Ashley-Amber: Sure, Honey-kins! (Giggles.) (The doorbell rings.) Brittany: I'll get it! (She runs to the door. Kevin, Doug and Charlene now enter.) Kevvy! It's so good to see you! (She kisses him. Doug grins lecherously while Charlene scowls.) Kevin: Glad to be here, Babe! (He sees the rest of the Taylor clan.) Hey, Mr. Taylor, Mrs. Taylor, Brian! Steve: Hello, Kevin. Ashley-Amber: Hi, Kevin! Brian: Hi, Kevin! (The cat scratches Brian.) BAD CAT! BAD, BAD CAT! (He chokes the cat.) Cat: HISSSS! CHOKE! GASP! Steve: Ready for the big game there, Doug? Doug: Sure am. The Broncs are gonna kick the Falcs ass today! Steve: Douglas, my good man, I think Atlanta has a sporting chance at this. Charlene: (To Kevin.) I want you to be on your best behavior today, Kevin! That means, no fooling around with that hussy! Kevin: Aw, geeze, Mom! Brittany isn't a hussy! Charlene: Just do as I say! (Kevin just frowns.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Scene 3: The Landon residence. About the same time. Background music: the opening guitar riffs from "Popular" by Nada Surf. (Mack is standing outside; he had a duffel bag with him. He rings the doorbell. Andrew answers it.) Andrew: Michael! Good to see you! Where are your folks? Mack: Dad got called away last night on a business trip; Mom went with him. Could I stay in your guest room tonight? I'll go to school straight from here and head back home after class; my folks will be back tomorrow night. Andrew: Sorry that your folks couldn't make it, Michael. It's no problem. (Mack takes out an manila envelope from his bag.) Mack: Dad didn't forget the bet: $700 on the Falcons. Andrew: Glad to hear that. Jodie's waiting for you. (Mack enters the house and goes to the living room. Jodie's wearing a pink sweatshirt and jeans.) Jodie: Glad you could make it, Mack. Where are your parents, though? Mack: Emergency business trip. I'll be sleeping over at the guest room tonight. Jodie: I'm so sorry to hear that. I was hoping they'd be here. Mack: Well, you know Dad. By the way, in case you were wondering, my folks got a baby-sitter for my brother. Some woman named Monique, I think. Something about Trent recommended her to us. Jodie: Oh. -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Scene 4: The Mackenzie residence. About the same time. (Shot of the outside, then a shot of the living room. Monique is sitting on a sofa while Mack's baby brother is in a playpen. Monique's reading from Mao Zedung's little red book.) Monique: Government power emanates from the barrel of a gun. (Pauses.) HMMMM, I don't think Chairman Mao's quotations make for good bedtime reading. -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Scene 5: The Morgendorffer residence. About 6:18 PM. Background music: the opening guitar riffs from "Vietnow" by Rage Against the Machine. (We see a shot of the TV. John Madden and Pat Summerall are seen in the broadcast booth.) Summerall: We're just about ready for the game here at Pro Player Stadium in Miami. The Falcons will kick the ball away to start the game. (We now see a shot of the Falcons lined up for the kick. They now run up and kick the ball.) And we're underway here at Super Bowl XXXIII! Tom: (Raising a can of beer up.) Here's to the winners--whoever they may be! Jake: Here, here! (They clink their cans together.) Linda: Helen, where is your oldest daughter Daria? Wasn't she supposed to be here? Helen: Funny, I seem to recall giving her permission to go to a concert at the Zen. By the way, what happened to Sandi? Linda: She banged her eye against a door handle at Cashman's. Helen: She should be more careful of where she's going. Sandi: So, Quinn, where exactly is that geeky sister of yours? Quinn: Who knows? She is so unpredictable. Sam: I wanna marry you, Quinn! (He leers at her.) Quinn: I'd rather marry Upchuck! Chris: Shot down again, Bro? (Sam hits him, and another fight ensues.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Scene 6: The Zen. About the same time. (Mystik Spiral's in the middle of a long instrumental jam. We see Jane being body surfed around the mosh pit. She lets out a big "WHOO!" a/la/Jenny McCarthy.) Daria: Maybe Jane's right; I should lighten up once in a while! (Daria now goes into the mosh pit. Daria takes off her glasses and is immediately picked up and body surfed herself. Someone takes a whiff of her.) Man: Man, doesn't she believe in using FDS! Daria: Why did I know that was going to come back and haunt me? (Mystik Spiral ends its jam.) Trent: We'll be back to play the closing jam of this concert at ten! See you then! (He and the others get off the stage. They enter the mosh pit. Daria's body surfed to them.) Hey, Daria, having fun? Daria: Sure beats seeing that stupid game! Trent: We've got a pretty big crowd here, despite the game! Jane: (Still body surfing.) Yeah, and the moshing's first rate! (Daria's put down now.) Daria: I'd better sit down now; I'm getting a bit dizzy. (Trent leads Daria to a table. They sit down.) Trent: You know, why do they have to make sports so commercialized? Even at the college level they've sold out! Daria: It's happening at the high school level too, Trent. You know Ms. Li renamed the football field "Surge Cola Stadium". (32) Trent: So I heard. Isn't there any way to prove to all the idiots in town that this game is just an over-hyped bore? (Daria thinks for a second. She looks at Andrea.) Daria: I think I just got an idea. (Quick cut to backstage. Daria, Jane, Trent, Jesse, Nicholas, Max and Andrea are here, as well as Jane's voodoo doll.) Andrea: You know, this is a rather tall order. But I think I can do it. Jane: Go for it. Andrea: (Taking a needle and jabbing it in the arm of the doll.) Make John Elway have a sharp pain in his elbow! -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Scene 7: Pro Player Stadium, Miami. About the same time. (We see John Elway trying to make a pass. Suddenly, he fumbles the ball as he grips the elbow of his throwing arm in agony. He collapses. Terrel Davis runs up to him.) Davis: What's happening, John? Elway: It's my elbow! It's hurting me real bad all of a sudden! Davis: Coach, you'd better get over here right away! -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Scene 8: The Taylor Residence. About the same time. (The Thompsons and the Taylors have seen the events happen. Doug leaps up in anger.) Doug: Elway, what the Hell's the matter with you? You choose now to go lame? Steve: Now, now, Doug, it's not worth blowing a fuse over. Doug: When I've got big money on the line, it is! (We pan to a far corner of the room, and we see Kevin and Brittany kissing. Charlene sees it.) Charlene: KEVIN! (Kevin and Brittany jump like electricity's been shot through them.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Scene 9: Back at the Zen. (Backstage again. There's a radio tuned in to the game.) Radio Announcer: And John Elway's just been removed from the game due to a sore elbow. We don't know exactly what happened out there. Daria: I can't believe it! It's actually working! Andrea: Yeah, let's see what more havoc we can raise. (She takes another needle out.) Make Dan Reeves lunge for Mike Shanahan! (She jabs the needle into the doll's head.) Radio Announcer: Oh, my God! Now Reeves is lunging at Shanahan! They're having a donnybrook out on the field! It's getting ugly, folks! Daria: Anyone out there thinking "Black Sunday"? (33) Trent: Cool. -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Scene 10: The Landon residence. About the same time. (The Landons and Mack have been seeing the fight between the coaches.) Mack: Man, I knew those two hated each other, but I didn't think it was going to go to blows. Andrew: What's going on with this game all of a sudden? Jodie: This game is beginning to suck. Andrew: Man, it's like the game's been hit with a curse! -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Scene 11: The Zen. (Backstage again with Daria and the rest. Andrea takes another pin at the ready.) Andrea: Now what? Jane: What about the ultimate whammy! Daria: You don't mean. . . Jane: Yeah, zap all the broadcast stations and newspapers in Lawndale; that way, they don't know about the game going on! Andrea: That's going to be a very tall order. Jane: So, jab all those needles in there and see what happens. Andrea: OK, but I can't guarantee anything! (She now takes a whole lot of needles and begins jabbing them into the doll. Fast cuts to the various TV stations, radio stations and cable companies that serve Lawndale. We see the transmitters burning out on each and every one of them. Fast cuts to the various newspapers in Lawndale, as their printing presses grind to a halt. Fast cut to a triple split screen effect of Andrew, Doug and Tom's faces, who now all scream "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" as they all see the same thing: the screen's gone blank. Cut to the Zen again.) Daria: Holy-- Trent: Cool! Jane: YEEEESSSSSS! Jesse: Man, this is freaking me out! Andrea: Now, let's sit back and enjoy the fun, while the rest of the town goes crazy being denied its Super Bowl fix! Daria: I shudder to think what might happen. . . -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Scene 11: The Morgendorffer residence. (Tom's smacking the side of the TV. He's yelling a primal scream.) Jake: Tom, get a grip on yourself! Tom: (With a type of savageness that we often see on Homer Simpson when he's strangling Bart): I-MUST-KNOW-WHO-WINS! Jake: Tom, please! (Tom suddenly belts Jake one. They get into a fight.) Sandi: HA, HA! What a jerk your father is, Quinn! (Quinn can't stand that remark, and so starts her own fight with Sandi.) Helen: What a bitch your daughter is, Linda! (Linda engages in a catfight with Helen now. Sam and Chris start their own fight. Fast cut to the Taylor residence, where we see Doug and Steve get into a fight. Charlene catches Kevin and Brittany kissing again. Charlene drags Brittany out of Kevin's embrace and slugs her one. At the Landon residence, Andrew yells like he's going through football withdrawal. He now collapses and cries, Michele consoling him.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Scene 12: The Zen. (Andrea holds up one more needle.) Andrea: Should I do it? Yeah! (She jabs the needle into the doll. Fast cut to Pro Player Stadium, where we see the Goodyear(tm) blimp crash into the stadium. Fast cut back to the Zen, about 11:30 PM. Mystik Spiral's wrapping their set up.) Trent: Thank you, and good night! (The crowd begins to disperse.) Well, that was a lot of fun, don't you think, Daria? Daria: It certainly was. I wonder how the rest of the town fared? -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Scene 13: A panoramic shot of Lawndale. Background music: the guitar-driven bridge of "Working Man" by Rush. (We seen chaos and anarchy reign. Cars are on fire. People looting the streets. A rock is thrown into the storefront window of the Overpriced Seattle Coffee Shoppe that formerly housed Alt.Lawndale.com and Café Lawndale [34], and someone makes off with a coffee grinder. An unidentified man stops a guy in a car and screams, "WHO WON? WHO WON?!?!?!?!?". Fast cut to the Morgendorffer residence, where we see Tom punched through a window by Jake. Fast cut to the Taylor residence, as Doug shoves Steve into the satellite dish in the back. [35] Fast cut to the Landon residence, where Andrew is running around the outside of the house, screaming like a lunatic.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Scene 14: Lawndale High School, about 11:00 AM the next day. (Shot of the exterior, then fast cut to the cafeteria. Daria and Jane are reading their copies of the school newspaper, the "Lawndale Lowdown".) Jane: Will you look at that! The paper scooped the results of the game. Daria: Really? Jane: Yeah, it seems that one of the reporters got a hold of a short-wave radio and got the results from the BBC. It seems that the Goodyear(tm) blimp crashed into the stadium, causing a disturbance. The pilot screamed "I'm as mad as Hell, and I won't take it anymore!," and leaped to his death. (36) The Broncos forfeited the game to the Falcons. Daria: And everyone thought they were a joke. Jane: I bet everyone's going to want to snap up a copy of the paper. Daria: And I wonder how Ms. Li's going to handle it? (Fast cut to the outside. A mob had converged on the school, while school security personnel are holding the mob at bay with attack dogs. We see Angela Li, the principal, standing in front of the doors, holding a copy of the "Lowdown".) Li: Try to get this paper? NEVER! HA HA HA HA HA! (Fast cut back to Daria and Jane.) Jane: Anyway, Trent said the concert was a success. They made the most money ever. About $2300. Daria: Do you think the A&R people will be knocking on their doors soon? Jane: If Trent's not asleep, that is. (Andrea approaches.) Andrea: Jane, I forgot to give this back to you. (She hands the doll to Jane.) Jane: Thanks. (Andrea walks away.) Daria: Now what are you going to do with it? Jane: HMMMM--(She takes a needle and jabs it into the arm of the doll. Fast cut to Ms. Li, who suddenly winces in pain and clutches her arm. The mob storms over the security personnel and mobs up on her. Li yells in panic.) (The theme music NBC used for its Super Bowl coverage in the late 1970's begins to play as the closing credits roll. Makeovers include Kevin as John Elway, Mack as Terrell Davis, Upchuck as Vince Lombardi, Jake as Johnny Unitas, Doug as Y. A. Tittle, Brittany as a Dallas Cowboys Cheerleader, Andrew as Dick "Night Train" Lane, Steve as Joe Naimath, Daria as Lisa Hayes from Robotech, Quinn as A-ko Magami from "Project A-ko" and Mr. O'Neill as Weeb Ewbank. The Daria logo is shown as the credits fade to black. Cut to a scene where we see sweaty hands over a piece of gray metal. The left hand is holding a gray die while the right hand is holding a sledgehammer with a black head and a yellow handle. The hammer hits into the die twice, with a loud "CLANG!" each time. At the second time, however, it hits into the left thumb, causing it to swell and redden. The hammer and die are dropped, and we see the person who was holding them: it's none other than the author of the story, a man with brown curly hair, blue eyes and glasses. His face contorts in pain, and he yells "OUCH! I HIT MYSELF WITH THE !@#$%^& HAMMER!" He walks away, and we see that a red computer zero [a zero with a slash through it] has been chiseled into the metal. White Roman lettering above the zero says "MARK", while white Roman lettering below that says "FAN FICTION," and white Roman lettering below that says "UNLIMITED". Fade to black.) -------------------------------------------------------------------------- THE END -------------------------------------------------------------------------- FOOTNOTES (1) I made up Ms. Morris' first name in "Return of the Lawndale Militia". --Gen. Peter. (2) It was revealed in "The Daria Diaries" that the football coach's name was Gibson; I made up the name George.--Coach Peter. (3) If you look carefully at the picture of the teacher's lounge in "The Daria Database", the table is kept even by matchbooks.--Prof. Peter. (4) I make reference to that in Misery Senshi.--Quarterback Peter. (5) Indeed, in my next story, "No Nudes is Good Nudes", Jane decides that the best gift she can give to Trent is a nude painting of Daria; but when Ms. DeFoe puts it on display at the County Museum of Modern Art (COMMA), it makes the Lawndale Taxpayers' Association real mad. Look for it in early-to-mid-February 1999!--Vincent Van Peter. (6) For details, read "The Dinner Date from Hell".--The Galloping Peter. (7) The Rathskeller is the bar Jake likes to hang out at times; it gets mentioned in "The Daria Database".--Peter Malone. (8) Fans of Japanese animation may know that Project A inspired the classic superhuman schoolgirl anime Project A-ko; in fact, Chan returned the favor in Project A 2, where he faced off against three henchmen named "Mr. A", "Mr. B", and "Mr. C", in a tip of the hat to A-ko, B-ko and C-ko.--Kung Fu Fightin' Peter. (9) Daria made a similar snide remark about that skirt in "Misery Senshi". --Calvin Peter. (10) Make a raid of the Morgendorffers' medicine cabinet in "The Daria Database" and check it out for yourself!--Peter Guerin (who personally doesn't snoop into other people's medicine cabinets). (11) Food Lord was first mentioned in the "Daria" episode "Monster". --Red Dot Special Peter (who remembers when the old Pathmark man played a white supremacist on an episode of "The Jeffersons"; if you just happen to remember what his name was, E-mail me!). (12) In case you missed out on that, please read "Strange Reunions"! --Shameless Plug Peter. (13) Daria had kicked Tom in the testicles while breaking up a big fight between her family and his in "The Dinner Date from Hell". --Hell-raising Peter. (14) That information is once again courtesy of "The Daria Database". --Geraldo Peter. (15) Once again, a bit of a nod to C. E. Forman's hometown.--Peter Guerin (originally from Ronkonkoma, New York, which was kind of the Peoria of the East Coast in the early 20th Century [well, George Burns got his start there]). (16) The lyrics can be found in "The Daria Diaries".--Sing-Song Peter. (17) A reference to another of C. E. Forman's excellent stories, "All Washed Up".--Peter Schieb ("I'll paint any car, any color, for $39.95!"). (18) Jane alludes to this in "Sick, Sad Burbank".--Looney Tunes Peter. (19) For details, see the "Daria" episode "The Big House". --Jailbreak Peter. (20) I owe one to Danny Bronstein for this; he speculates in his story "Who Shot Principal Li?" that Andrea's last name is Hecuba because her character in her comic strip is called Queen Hecuba; you can see the strips in "The Daria Database".--Lord Peter of Chichester. (21) We first met Monique in the "Pierce Me" episode and she played a crucial role in "Strange Reunions".--J. Peter Jameson. (22) Take a peek beneath Jane's bed in "The Daria Database".--Peter Resnick (where Air-Tite Windows and Siding ripped my sign down!). (23) Read Amanda's notes in "The Daria Database". Also, Ms. DeFoe's joining this group will play a pivotal role in "No Nudes is Good Nudes". --Michaelangelo Peter. (24) In case you missed it, Sandi did find out that Daria and Quinn are sisters in "The Dinner Date from Hell".--Recap Peter. (25) See "The Invitation" episode!--Party-Pooper Peter. (26) Read "Triumph of the 'Retart'" for details!--Shameless Plug Peter. (27) Read Daria's datebook in "The Daria Diaries" and see for yourself! --Busy Child Peter. (28) Daria played a harmonica in "The Big House"; I'm planning on writing a story called "The Mighty Daria the Harmonicist", where Daria actually becomes a member of Mystik Spiral as the band's harmonicist.--Peter Dylan. (29) "First and Ten: In Your Face!" was a series first seen on HBO and later on syndication about a semi-pro football team; it was rather raucous.--Coach Peter. (30) Sandi's brothers' desires to marry Quinn were revealed in "The Daria Database".--Peter Guerin (who's still eligible, ladies!). (31) A few years back, David Carradine appeared in a commercial for Lipton(r) Brisk(tm) Iced Tea where he parodied his own character. Some outlaw asks him if he was going to sip his iced tea, then says, "Did he say 'Sip?'" before he has a flashback with someone like Master Po, then proceeds to karate chop the bad guys silly.--Grasshopper Peter. (32) That happened in Misery Senshi.--Peter Guerin (who shudders to think that they could rename Nassau County Veterans' Memorial Colliseum as Northrup Grumman Arena or even Computer Associates Arena). (33) I make reference to that famed "Terrorist causes panic with his blimp at the Super Bowl" film in "Misery Senshi" as well.--Peter bin Laden. (34) See "Café Disaffecto" and the map of Lawndale in "The Daria Diaries". --Caffeine Freak Peter. (35) Once again, check out the map in "The Daria Diaries". --Cartographic Peter. (36) The rather famous line from the movie "Network"! --Captain Outrageous Peter. -------------------------------------------------------------------------- THIS HAS BEEN AN EXCLUSIVE CREATION OF MARK ZERO FAN FICTION, UNLIMITED! -------------------------------------------------------------------------- "Home of the World's Weirdest Fan Fiction" -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Home page: http://direct.at/markzero.com or http://www.geocities.com/televisioncity/network/4938 -------------------------------------------------------------------------- E-mail: markzero@zdnetmail.com -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Subscription list: http://MarkZeroUpdate.ListBot.com -------------------------------------------------------------------------- CLANG! CLANG! OUCH! I HIT MYSELF WITH THE !@#$%^& HAMMER! --------------------------------------------------------------------------