Thanks to Steve Brown for helping me with my grammar.
(Lawndale High. Daria and Jane are having lunch. Ms Li's voice is heard over the intercom)
Ms Li: Attention students! As you all know, Halloween is only one week away. Due to concern over children safety, Lawndale Elementary has asked for our assistance.
Daria: (Beat) Great. We have to go trick or treating.
Ms Li: So all sophomores and juniors are hereby *volunteered* to accompany the children. And to dress accordingly. Excuses will not be accepted. All students claiming illness will have to donate blood. Uh... that is... I mean submit to a blood *screening*. The school is not, I repeat, *not* making money selling its students blood.
Jane: What's wrong with selling your blood? Isn't school about preparing us for our later careers?
Daria: I'd rather sell other peoples blood.
Jane: What were you saying about going trick or treating, Ms. Senior?
Daria: This could be interesting. Quinn's a junior.
Jane: But won't she just find some poor s.o.b. to take her kids?
Daria: I believe most of the s.o.b.'s she knows are also juniors.
Jane: So what'll you wear?
Daria: Forget it. Quinn doesn't have that kind of money.
(Later that day. Daria and Quinn are standing in the kitchen)
Quinn: (Whines) But, Daria...
Quinn: It's not something I want to do. Ms Li volunteered me! And now I can't get out of it, because all the boys I know who are stupid enough to take my kids have kids of their own.
Daria: (Pause) You know what book will never get published?
Quinn: (Suspicious) What do you mean?
Daria: "Quinn's Words Of Wisdom."
Quinn: Oh, ha, ha. So anyway, I thought of you.
Daria: The answer is no.
Quinn: Come on. I'll pay you.
Daria: This isn't about money. I am *not* going trick or treating with some obnoxious kids while wearing some stupid costume.
Quinn: But Daria... It's Joey's birthday. He got excused because of it. And he invited me to his party.
Daria: Joey's birthday falls on Halloween?
Quinn: I know. The other kids had clowns at their parties when growing up, but all he got was the Grim Reaper. He still has, like, traumas over it.
Daria: (Smiles) The Grim Reaper.
Quinn: (Realizing she just said too much) You just had a sick idea, didn't you?
Daria: That's none of your business. But the answer's still no.
Quinn: But how about if I found some real nice kids for you?
Daria: I don't like nice kids. Wait a minute. You get to pick your own kids?
Quinn: The parents can tell the school who they want to accompany their kids.
Daria: Hmmm. Tell you what. Get me the Gupties and you've got yourself a deal.
Quinn: (Astonished) That's it? You're not going to demand money?
Daria: (Voiceover) I didn't did I? Must be because she never asked for something I wanted to do before (outloud) You could pay...
Quinn: Too late! (runs off)
Daria: (Voiceover) Now I'll have to pay for my costume myself. But this
time it'll be worth it.
(The Morgendorffer's are having dinner)
Quinn: So then, I thought, I couldn't go to Joey's party. But luckily Daria took over my duties.
Daria: Did I? You got the Gupties?
Quinn: I arranged it with their parents. I'm driving them here just like you asked.
Jake: What will you dress like, kiddo?
Daria: An angel (voiceover) Of Death.
Helen: How sweet. I can't wait to see you.
Daria: Oh, you will eventually. Don't worry.
Jake: I just hope you didn't rip Quinn completely off doing this.
Quinn: Not at all. Actually, Daria's doing it because she wants to. I don't have to pay her anything.
Helen: Now, Quinn, what have I said about lying at the dinner table?
Quinn: But I'm not. Tell them Daria.
Daria: (Sighs) I'm doing Quinn a favor for free.
Helen: I told you not to lie. You're very close to a trip to family court.
Quinn: But muh-om.
Daria: Give it up, Quinn. This grave we dug for ourselves.
(A couple of days later. Daria's room. Daria has band-aids on her fingers. The door opens. Jane comes in)
Jane: What happened to you?
Daria: I had to do some needle work.
Jane: You and a needle? Good thing Tom is rich enough to just buy new clothes. Wouldn't want you to fix them for him.
Daria: (Warning) Jane...
Jane: Sorry. No more Tom jokes. So what's the sick thing you want me to see?
Daria: What makes you think I want you to see a sick thing?
Jane: I ran into Quinn on the way up.
Daria: Remind me to kill her later.
Jane: Trust me.
Daria: (Opens the door to her closet) I'm going trick or treating dressed as the Grim Reaper. (takes a black cloak from the closet, and puts it on)
Jane: Nice. Except you look more like a highwayman.
Daria: There's more. (takes a skull mask from the closet) You know the skull I had lying around? I used it to make a mask. (puts the mask on)
Jane: Not bad.
Daria: There's more. (takes a scythe from the closet)
Jane: Is that a real scythe?
Daria: It sure is. Cost me quite a bit. And I made these... (takes two small cloaks from the closet) For Tad and Tricia. I'll tell people that they're the Grim Reaper's little helpers.
Jane: (Long pause) Maybe you need a break. You know in one of those places where they give you pills that makes you feel funny all day long.
Daria: It's not smart of you to insult me, you know. Not when I'm wielding a scythe.
Jane: Uhm. Point taken.
(Halloween. The Gupty's house. Quinn, Mr. and Mrs. Gupty, Tad and Tricia are standing in the livingroom. Tad and Tricia are wearing lederhosen. They look sad)
Mrs. Gupty: Now take good care of our little monsters.
Mr. Gupty: We made a list of places you can take them. (hands Quinn a note)
Mrs. Gupty: These are houses where they give kids healthy things. Like raisins and plums.
Quinn: You don't want them to have candy?
Tricia: (Sad) Candy is bad.
Tad: (Sad) It rots your teeth.
Tricia: (Sad) Hitler ate... (starts crying)
(Quinn, Tad and Tricia are driving in Jake's car)
Quinn: Nice costumes. Your parents saw the musical "The Sound of Music?"
Tricia: They're not nice. But that's where they got the idea from.
Tad: This is our worst Halloween yet.
Tricia: No. Last year was worse. Then we were fruit.
Tad: I was an apple.
Tricia: I was an orange.
Tad: We were lame.
Tricia: The other kids made fun.
Tad: I got beaten up.
Quinn: Uhm. I know Daria meant it as a surprise...
Tad & Tricia: Daria?
Quinn: It's really her whose taking you trick or treating. And I think she made some new costumes for you. (shudders)
Tad & Tricia: Yeah!
(Daria's room. Daria is sitting at her desk. There is the sound of several people knocking on her door)
Daria: Sorry, but I have a strict policy against having an octopus in the room.
(The door opens. Its Quinn, Tad and Tricia. Tad and Tricia storms over and hug Daria)
Tricia: Save us, Daria.
Tad: We want new costumes.
Daria: (Looks at Quinn) You told them.
Quinn: I couldn't help myself. They were really down.
Daria: I can see why. "The Sound of Music," right?
Quinn: You got it. (hands Daria a note) This is where you're supposed to take them. These people hand out fruit.
Daria: (Throws the note into the wastebasket, then walks over to her closet) Don't worry. You'll be the scariest kids in town this year.
Tad & Tricia: Yeah!
Quinn: I don't think I want to stay here for this. I have to get ready for when Joey shows up.
Daria: Joey's coming here? But aren't you going to *his* birthday party?
Quinn: So? Someone has to drive me there.
Daria: At this point I'd ordinarily make a snide comment. But I believe the job of making sense of your behavior is a job best left for future generations.
Quinn: Uhhh. (leaves)
(Morgendorffer livingroom. Daria, dressed as the Grim Reaper, sneaks down the stair followed by Tad and Tricia in their black cloaks)
Daria: Now remember to be quiet. I don't want my mom or dad to hear us.
Tricia: Why not?
Daria: Because I told them I was going dressed as an angel.
Tad: But you are dressed as an angel.
Daria: My mom would call that a technicality. And I doubt she'd pay much heed to it.
Tricia: But for the legal system to work, you have to accept that criminals will sometimes get off on technicalities.
Daria: Not in our family court. Plus I don't want her to find out I spent money to buy a scythe.
Tad: Is that bad?
Daria: When you're supposed to save up for college it is.
(They walk over to the front door. Jake enters from the kitchen)
Jake: But, kiddo. You're not leaving without letting me take your picturAAAAAAH!!
Helen: (Storms in) What is it JaAAAAAAH!!
Daria: (Meek) Hi mom, hi dad.
Helen: (Cold voice) Daria.
Jake: (Cold voice) Daria.
Daria: Do you mind not say my name like that.
Jake: Is that a real scythe?
Daria: What scythe? (makes a doomed attempt at hiding the scythe behind her back)
(The doorbell rings. Daria answers it. It's Joey)
(Five minutes later. Joey is lying on the couch in a fetus position. He's sucking his thumb. Quinn is standing next to him)
Quinn: Joey, talk to me.
Daria: Forget it. The guy's catatonia. Not that anyone'll notice the difference.
Quinn: (Looks at Daria) You did this. And I told you that Joey has a phobia over the Grim Reaper.
Daria: So? The only way to overcome your fear is to confront it.
Helen: This time you've stepped over the line, Daria. You're grounded.
Quinn: (Evil laugh) Ha ha ha ha ha.
Daria: Grounded? But what did I do?
Helen: You bought a scythe.
Daria: It goes with the costume. It's an accessory.
Helen: (Warning) Daria.
Daria: What about Tad and Tricia? We can't ruin their evening.
Helen: No, of course we can't. Tad, Tricia I hope this little incident hasn't scared you.
Tricia: Scared us? Are you crazy?
Tad: This is so cool.
Tricia: Its our best Halloween yet.
Tad: I can't wait to see what happens next.
Helen: (Sighs) Quinn will take you trick or treating.
Quinn: But muh-om.
Helen: Why not? You're obviously not going anywhere with Joey.
Quinn: I don't have a costume.
(Helen looks at Daria)
Quinn: Muuuuhh-oooom. Nooooo.
(Later. Quinn, dressed in Daria's costume but without the scythe, is standing in the doorway with Tad and Tricia)
Jake: I hope you're not mad.
Quinn: I'm not mad. I mean why should I be mad. When your older sister is a brain it's perfectly normal for your evening to get ruined to the extent that your date ends up sucking his thumb. And you have to go trick or treating dressed as the Grim Reaper.
Jake: I'm glad you see it that way, kiddo.
Quinn: AAAAH!! (runs from the house)
Helen: You better go follow her, kids.
(Tad and Tricia leave. Helen shuts the door)
Helen: And you, Daria. Go to your room. We'll discuss your punishment later.
Daria: I don't believe you have any right to punish me. I'm sure there's no mention of scythes in the family rules.
Helen: Then I'll just have to make one, won't I?
Daria: (Voiceover) Maybe now isn't the time to tell them about Joey's birthday. (goes to her room)
Jake: You know, honey. When I saw Daria dressed like that, for a moment I thought my final hour had come.
Helen: She was scary, wasn't she? At least the skull wasn't real. (1)
Jake: (Puts his arms around Helen) And I thought of how I could never be with you again. (starts kissing her)
Helen: Oh, Jake. (kisses him back) Wait, Daria's here. And kids will start showing up soon. And Joey might come around.
Jake: Let's go to a motel. Daria can watch the house.
(Daria's room. Daria is lying on her bed. There is a knock on her door)
Daria: Unless it's the real Grim Reaper, you're not welcome.
(The door opens. It's Helen and Jake)
Helen: We've decided that you're only grounded tonight. But you have to stay in the livingroom for when the kids show up. Your dad and I are going for a ride.
Daria: To a motel.
Jake: How did you know?
(The street. Quinn is walking along with Tad and Tricia who are eating candy)
Quinn: Shouldn't you save something for later?
Tricia: For what? To take home with us for our parents to see.
Tad: You're not as smart as Daria.
Tricia: Is Daria really your sister?
Quinn: Unfortunately. My parents have the birth certificates to prove it. Now remember not to say who I am in case someone asks.
Tad: Who shall we say you are?
Quinn: Uhm. Tell them that I'm Daria but that not talking is part of my costume.
(The tank drives past them. It makes a turn and stops next to them. The door opens. Its Jane and Mystic Spiral. Jane gets out)
Jane: Is that you, Daria?
Tricia: Yes, it's Daria.
Tad: Not talking is part of her costume.
Trent: Hey, Daria. You're looking good.
(Morgendorffer livingroom. Daria is sitting on the couch next to Joey. She's watching TV)
TV: He took her kids, her car and her clothes. But he let her keep the TV. Debt collector with a heart. Next on Sick Sad World.
Daria: (Voiceover) This is the worst Halloween of my life. Even my favorite
show is against me. I lost my costume and my Gupties, and I have to stay
in the house. But worst of all, my scythe was confiscated. Maybe doing
something evil will cheer me up. I know, I'll eat the candy myself.
(The tank. Quinn, Tad, Tricia, Jane and Mystic Spiral are sitting inside)
Jane: So your parents took the scythe or what?
(Quinn nods her head yes)
Jane: We were on the way to the Zen. The Spiral has a gig tonight. But how about you and me go to my place and watch a movie?
(Quinn points at Tad and Tricia)
Jane: Don't worry. The Spiral can look after them.
Tricia: We're not allowed to go with strangers.
Max: We're not strangers. We're Mystik Spiral.
Tad: Are you a band?
Trent: We sure are. (sighs) Even if the music industry hasn't spotted us yet.
Tricia: The music industry is bad.
Tad: They use monopolistic practices to raise prices, and hurt the consumers.
Trent: Still, a record contract would be nice.
Jessy: Are you two a band?
Tricia: We're "The Grim Reapers Little Helpers"
Max: Hey cool name.
Jessy: Can you sing?
(Morgendorffer livingroom. The doorbell rings. Daria with a bowl of candy in her arms opens the door. Brittany and two kids, one of whom is Sandi's brother Chris, in vampire costumes are standing outside)
Chris: Trick or treat!
Daria: Put a sock in it. (gives them both some candy) Brittany what're you doing here? You're a senior.
Brittany: I know. But there was this girl and Kevin got attacked...
Daria: Kevin got attacked? This I have to hear. (pulls Brittany into the house) You two wait here. (shuts the door)
(Brittany and Daria walk over to the couch. Daria pushes Joey onto the floor with a loud THUMP as he hits his head, knocking him unconscious)
Daria: Sit down. Have some candy (takes some herself)
Brittany: What're you doing?
Daria: What does it look like? I'm eating candy. Can't get enough of that sugar rush.
Brittany: But isn't the candy for the kids?
Daria: I need it more than them. People aren't my friends. Candy is my friend.
Brittany: But that's Joey from the football team. (points at Joey)
Daria: Also known as my sister Quinn's former date for tonight. At least he's finally fallen asleep.
Brittany: Why is he sucking his thumb?
Daria: That's normal. Quinn's dates are very immature.
Brittany: Why isn't he with Quinn?
Daria: She went trick or treating as the Grim Reaper. But I rather not talk about it.
Brittany: He looks so cute. Not that I care. He's younger than me. And Kevin hasn't cheated on me recently. At least I don't think so.
Daria: Yes, tell me about Kevin. And what the kids are doing with you. Sit down.
(Brittany sits on the couch. Daria notices that she has a limp)
Daria: What's with your foot?
Brittany: I fell from the pyramid at practice.
Daria: So what're you going trick or treating for.
Brittany: I was with Kevin. But we met this girl who asked us to look after her kids, Chris and Dan. She said she would be back in a couple of minutes. But we never saw her again. So we had to go trick or treating with them. But then Kevin stole some of their candy, and they started calling for help. Then all these kids came running and attacked Kevin and he fled leaving me with the kids.
Daria: Maybe you should take it as a sign. Kevin running away and leaving you with the kids I mean.
Brittany: Oh, I'm not having kids with that jerk. After I graduate I'm going to Hawaii to look for a man called Eduardo or maybe someone called...
Daria: I don't think I need to hear details. But you shouldn't go trick or treating with that foot. It needs rest.
Brittany: But who'll take the kids then? Oh, Daria. Will you help me? (smiles)
Daria: Uhm. I don't have a costume.
Brittany: I have an idea.
Daria: (Worried) You have an *idea*
Brittany: How about you borrow my clothes? Then you can say you're dressed
as a cheerleader.
(Jane's room. Jane and Quinn are watching the movie "Bad Taste" (2))
Jane: This is my favorite part. Where the guy's skull has cracked open, and the alien takes a spoon and starts eating his brain.
Quinn: (Voiceover) Eeeeew! I knew Daria and Jane would be engaged in some kind of depraved stuff when they got together. But this! Still it beats going trick or treating.
Jane: I didn't just ask you over to watch a movie with me, you know.
Quinn: (Voiceover) I wonder just how depraved the things are that she and Daria do. I hope I'm not about to find out.
Jane: I want to talk about me. (pause) And Tom if that's okay.
Quinn: (Voiceover) This could be my chance to get dirt on Daria. (nods her head yes)
Jane: Thanks. Uhm, do you think I'm pathetic, Daria?
Quinn: (Voiceover) No I think you're *weird*. Better say no. (shakes her head no)
Jane: Thought so. Even when I did stuff like try and save my already doomed relationship with Tom by dying my hair?
Quinn: (Voiceover) Boring. When do we get to the part about Daria? (shakes her head no)
Jane: Thanks. But it's not just that, you know. At art camp I met a lot of people. And I thought they would be like me. But it turned out I really didn't like them. Certainly not the leader or that girl Allison I told you about. The thing is that I'm not even sure I want to be an artist if it means being around people like that.
Quinn: (Voiceover) I think I've got it figured out now. This is just like when the girls at school want me to tell them that they look fashionable. Jane is unsure of herself and is looking for confirmation. (points at herself)
(Quinn makes a heart sign with her hands)
(Quinn points at some of Jane's pictures)
Jane: My pictures. You love my art?
(Quinn nods her head yes)
Jane: (Smiles) You think I should keep going? I shouldn't let those people get to me?
(Quinn nods her head yes)
Jane: Thanks. I know you don't hug, except Tom. (extend her hand) Shake?
Quinn: (Voiceover) This is easier that I thought. Maybe Jane isn't really that bad. (takes Jane's hand)
Jane: (Her smile disappears) Since when do you use nail polish?
(Morgendorffer livingroom. Daria is wearing Brittany's clothes. Brittany is sitting on the couch dressed in Helen's bathrobe)
Daria: Tell me again why I'm doing this.
Brittany: Because you're nice.
Daria: Don't say that word. (leaves the house)
(Cut to the outside where Chris and Dan are waiting)
Daria: (Beat) It looks like I have to go with you.
Chris: We don't want you. We want the bimbo.
Dan: Get lost, four eyes.
Daria: This has to be fate. I'm going trick or treating with obnoxious kids while wearing some stupid costume.
Chris: You talk strange. You're a brain aren't you?
Dan: Bet she doesn't even eat candy. She probably eats books.
Chris: Maybe we can get one for her at the next house.
(Dan and Chris laugh. Daria grinds her teeth. Suddenly she smiles)
Daria: Actually I know some places where the two of you can get lots of candy. I'll drive you there in my dad's car. Excuse me a moment. I left the list in my wastebasket. (runs into the house)
Dan: This had better not be like when your sister left us with the bimbo
and said she'd be right back.
(Jane's room. Jane is sitting on top of Quinn. Quinn's skull mask has been torn off)
Jane: (Furious) Got any last words?
Quinn: (Scared) Uhm, don't kill me.
(Outside a house. A woman gives Chris and Dan apples. Daria is standing behind them, she smiles. The woman closes the door)
Chris: You can't do this.
Dan: We want candy.
Daria: This is nature's candy. But if you don't like apples, I know a place where you can get plums.
Chris: This is about revenge. Isn't it?
Daria: And if it is? What'll you do about it?
Dan: Uhm. We're sorry for calling you stuff.
Chris: Yeah, we're sorry.
Daria: Unfortunately apologies are no longer enough. Now I want percentages.
Dan: (Scared) You mean.
Daria: 33% of all candy.
Chris & Dan: (Beat) Deal.
(Later that evening at The Zen. Trent is standing on the stage)
Trent: And now give an applause for the new band in town. For the first time "The Grim Reapers Little Helpers".
(Tad and Tricia in their dark cloaks walk in on the stage. Trent hands them a mike. The band plays. Tad and Tricia starts singing)
Tad & Tricia: (Singing) I am cool and that is it, and everyone else is full of...
(The crowd cheers. Daria, still wearing Brittany's cheer leading outfit, enters. She sees Tad and Tricia)
Daria: (Voiceover) What in the world are they doing here?
(Jessy walks over to her)
Jessy: Hi, Daria. Love your new clothes.
Daria: Hi. I just finished going trick or treating, and I heard Jane say she'd be here tonight.
Jessy: What do you mean? We dropped both of you off at her place. Did you get tired of the cloak or what?
(The Lane's house. Daria rings the bell. Quinn opens the door. She's not wearing her costume anymore)
Daria: You're alive. I hoped the worst.
Quinn: Oh, ha, ha. (pause) What're you wearing?
Daria: Long story. The kids are in dad's car. Its time we dropped them
(Morgendorffer livingroom. Brittany is watching TV. Joey wakes up)
Joey: Where am I?
Brittany: You're awake. You're in the Morgendorffer's house.
Joey: Brittany? I had a horrible dream. The Grim Reaper came for me.
Brittany: No, that was Quinn. Daria told me she went trick or treating dressed like that.
Joey: Quinn was the Grim Reaper? But I was taking her to my... (Joey looks at his watch) MY BIRTHDAY! My party. I missed my own birthday party!
Brittany: Your birthday falls on Halloween?
Joey: (Crying) She knows how afraid I am of the Grim Reaper. How could she betray me like this? Make me faint so that she could go trick or treating with someone else.
Brittany: (Sad) How awful. I read a lot of romance novels where the guy gets betrayed by the girl he loves. But I never read one where it happened like this.
Joey: (Crying) Oh, Quinn, how could you do this to me...
Brittany: (Takes pity on him) Now, now. I read all about what to do in situations like this in those books. I know how you're a junior and I'm a senior. But after all, it *is* your birthday. (takes off her bathrobe)
Joey: (Stops crying, then smiles) This is my best present yet.
(Joey and Brittany start making out on the couch)
(Daria drives up to the Gupty's house. Daria and Quinn gets out. They open the doors to the back seat where Tad and Tricia have fallen asleep)
Quinn: I'll take Tricia.
Daria: We should get them out of the cloaks first.
Quinn: Right. That would have been some sight though.
Daria: (Slight smile) Mr. and Mrs. Gupty. We bring you the Grim Reaper's little helpers.
(Quinn giggles. Quinn and Daria remove Tad and Tricia's cloaks. They take the sleeping kids in their arms. They walk towards the house)
Quinn: I don't care about the lederhosen. I think they look cute. If only they didn't weigh so much.
Daria: Yeah. But I liked them better before.
Daria: I still don't understand why Jane didn't kill you.
Quinn: She couldn't after I told her how I love her art.
Daria: But you don't love her art. You lied.
Quinn: Jane decided to punish me instead. I had to watch the rest of that horrible movie. It was disgusting. There was a scene where they ate vomit.
Daria: That's not so bad. I once read the declaration on your face mask.
Quinn: Daria! (pause) I can see why you like Jane so much.
Daria: Oh why?
Quinn: It's good for you to have someone you can talk sick stuff with.
Daria: As opposed to fashion?
Quinn: Uhm. I think I see what you mean.
(1) "The Daria Diaries" says its not real.
(2) My second most favored splatter movie. "Evil Dead II" will always
be number one.