Scream in the Life of Daria - a Daria/Scream crossover by "Foo Fighter" and Nessy Thompson Scene 1- Brittany’s house RRING!! RRING!! (Brittany answers the phone.) Brittany: Hello? Voice: What is your name? Brittany: Why do you want to know my name? Voice: ‘Cause I want to know who I’m looking at.... Brittany: Oh, in that case, my name is Blue.... Wait! You’re looking at me?! But I look horrible today! I forgot to put on my mascara! Can you call back at a later time? I want to fix my makeup. (Brittany hangs up the phone without an answer. As she starts toward the bathroom to apply her makeup, the phone rings again. Brittany picks it up.) Brittany: Hello? Voice: You hung up on me! Brittany: I know. I had to fix my makeup. Voice: So, do you have a boyfriend? Brittany: Why? (Short pause) Do you want to ask me out on a date? Voice: Maybe. Brittany: Well, I do have a boyfriend...but he’s a dumb quarterback jerk. I’m planning on breaking up with him anyway. Voice: Well, you might not need to. Brittany: What do you mean by that? Voice: Look out the back porch.... (Brittany looks out to see Kevin tied up to a chair. He’s wearing the ugly stuff he wore in "Too Cute". His mouth is taped shut.) Brittany: (opens window) Babe, what have they done to you? Kevin: blablablablaaalablablaiibaiai!! Brittany: (into the phone) Leave me and Kevin alone you big jerk... or else! Voice: Ooh, I’m so scared. I’m shaking in my boots. What are you going do? Scratch me with your nails? Brittany: Well, duh! How else am I going to hurt you?! With, like, a gun or something? Ah! I don’t think so. Voice: Let’s play a little...game, why don’t we? Brittany: Okay...I have Monopoly, Twister-- Voice: (interrupting her) Not THAT kind of game.... Brittany: Then what kind of game? Voice: Turn off your back porch light. Brittany: Okay...I was getting tired of looking at Kevin anyway. He looks like an ugly freak! How do we play the game? Voice: You see...I ask you questions. If you answer them honestly and correctly you live...otherwise you die!!!!! (evil laugh) First, let’s do a practice round: What is your bra size? (Jeopardy music is heard!) Brittany: Oh, that’s easy! 40-D. Voice: Good.... Now for the real question...describe Upchuck with one word. (Jeopardy music is heard again!!!) Brittany: Oh, that’s easy too! Asshole. Voice: I’m sorry...that’s the wrong answer! Lucky for you there’s a bonus round...but poor Kevin is out. (another evil laugh is heard, along with the sound of a knife cutting through flesh. As Brittany hears this sickening sound, she turns on back porch light again to see Kevin’s guts spilling all over the porch.) Brittany: Ohhhhhh...my porch...we just whitewashed it!! Ewwwwwwwh!! Voice: Now, for the bonus question...what door am I at? (Jeopardy music is heard again!!!) Brittany: What?!?! (Brittany’s voice is quivering.) Voice: There are 2 main doors leading into your house...a front door and a back patio door. It’s your call... Brittany: The front door...? Voice: Is that your answer? Brittany: the back door...? (Suddenly, Kevin, still tied to the chair, is flung through the glass door from the back porch. Brittany starts to run but as she passes a mirror, she notices her lipstick is all smeared.) Brittany: EWWW! My lipstick! (A guy in costume comes in and kills Brittany violently, smashing her guts out...leaving her hanging from a tree.) Scene 2- Daria’s house RRING!! RRING!! (Mr. Morgendorffer picks up the phone.) Jake: Hello! Mr. Morgendorffer here!! I repeat, Mr. Jake Morgendorffer here!! How can I help you?!? Hello!! Hello!! Is anybody there?!? Voice: (quivering) Hello...can I speak to Daria, please? Jake: Sure. Who can I say is calling? Voice: A psycho deranged killer. Jake: You kids! (laughs) Always kidding around! (laughs again) DARIA!!!! Phone!!!! (Daria picks up the phone. Jake hangs up.) Daria: Hello? Voice: Hi, Daria. Daria: Nice try, Jane. By the way, between you and me, I like this voice much better. Voice: Do you like scary movies? Daria: Come on. You know I don’t like that shit. Voice: Why? Too scared? Daria: Of course not. It’s just some dumb actor or actress who can’t act who gives these pathetic, no-good screams. It’s insulting to all those smart people in the world who can actually act.... They should get the people interviewed on "Sick, Sad World" to join the movie business. Now 'that' would be a movie I’d be willing to watch. Voice: Are you alone in the house? Daria: Jane, I’m disappointed in you. If you’re going to play a psycho killer, at least be original.... I wouldn’t pay $4.00 to see you act like this. Voice: Maybe because...I’m not Jane. Daria: Okay...So, who are you? Voice: The question isn’t, "who am I?" The question is "where am I?" Daria: Let me guess...my front porch. Voice: Dammit!!! How'd you guess? Daria: I took a class on psychotic killers once. Voice: Oh...well, aren’t you going to come out and investigate a strange noise or something? Daria: Yeah, sure. Why not? But first, why don’t you go up to Quinn’s room? She’s been expecting you. Voice: Really? Daria: Yep. Why don’t you just go right up? Don’t take too long, she doesn’t like to be disappointed. All that worrying might give her zits...and we wouldn’t want that, now would we? Scene 3- Quinn’s room (The killer climbs up a ladder into Quinn’s room) Quinn: (screaming) What are you doing here? Who are you? Voice: Psycho killer...part time stalker. Quinn: That costume you’re wearing is nice and everything...but I’d go for more vibrant colors.... Voice: Really? Quinn: Yeah! I know if 'I' was a psycho killer, I would want to wear a bright colored costume! Black and white is too dull...color is so 'in' now!! Don’t you think so? Voice: Yes, I guess so. I never really thought about things like that. Thanks for the hint!!! Quinn: No problem! Any time!!! Oh...and come back soon! (The killer leaves room, forgetting why he came in the first place) Scene 4- Principal’s Office (There is a knock on the door) Ms. Li: Come in! (Another knock on door) I said ‘come in’! (Another knock is heard, then silence for a minute. Ms. Li, annoyed, goes to door and opens it. No one is there.) Ms. Li: (Muttering) Damn little shits. Janitor: What!?!? Ms. Li: (Turning to the janitor) Not you, Freddy! (Ms. Li walks through the halls hoping to find the damn little shit who annoyed her. Not finding anyone, she goes back to her office.) Ms. Li: I wonder who that damn little shit was? (She opens closet door, sees her reflection in mirror and jumps back. {Pretty scary, huh?} Then, realizing what it is, she is relieved. She closes the closet door and the killer jumps out from behind it. Ms. Li is killed, and her guts are all ripped out and left on top of her neat and orderly desk. {I guess it isn’t so neat anymore, is it?}) Scene 5- Mr. O’Neill’s English class, shortly after Ms. Li's death. No one in the school knows she's dead yet. Mr. O’Neill: (sobbing) Now today, we’re going to take little time out of our lesson (he sniffs) to talk about the tragic death of two of our fine students, (He grabs a tissue and blows his nose) Brittany Taylor and Kevin Thompson. Would anyone like to say anything? (The class is silent for a while, and Jodie finally speaks) Jodie: I think it’s sick that there are people out there who can hurt young men and women and not feel the least bit guilty. I think people like that should... Announcement: (Cutting off Jodie) All students are to report straight home from school immediately. The police have issued a state-wide curfew for 9:00 PM. Avoid all strangers, and try to stay in groups of at least 2. Class: (cheering) Yeah!! Oh, Yeah!!! Party!!!! (Music- "School’s out for the summer") Daria: So, Jane, what are you going to do during our new break from school? Jane: Watch lots of "Sick Sad World" reruns. You know, TV counts as a place and a thing to do. Daria: Wow Jane. We both have no lives. Jane: Want to think about it over lots of pizza? Daria: Sure...why not? THE END