by Scarlet
(Open
on the exterior of The Morgendorffer household. Cut to Daria’s room. The
scene is the epitome of peaceful slumber.
That is until a piercing scream can be heard coming from Quinn’s
room. Daria sits bolt upright and looks
to her alarm clock, 6:42am.)
Daria: (To
herself) Damn it, Quinn, can’t this wait until everyone is awake? Or until after the Armageddon?
(Daria
makes her way to her sister’s room and bumps into her father on the way)
Daria: Oof! Um, sorry, Dad.
Jake: Never mind, kiddo. What’s wrong with Quinn this morning?
Daria: Other than the stress of being a normal,
popular teenage girl? I think she’s just
having an old nightmare.
Jake: What’s with that bruise on your forehead,
kiddo?
(At that instant Quinn comes barging out of her room past Jake and Daria and makes a run for the bathroom. Jake and Daria look stunned. When Quinn returns they are still standing outside her room)
Quinn: (Suspiciously)
Dad, Daria, what are you doing here?
Daria: We
live here, Quinn.
Quinn: Outside my room, Daria.
Jake: We
heard you screaming and we came to see what was wrong.
Quinn: Um,
nothing, just having this really scary dream.
Daria, can I talk to you in private for a minute.
Daria: I don’t really… argh!
Quinn: Thanks
Daria!
(Quinn pulls a stunned Daria into her room and sits her on the bed.)
Daria: (Deadpan)
God, Quinn, your room still looks like this?
Quinn: (Sarcastic) Ha ha. But this is important. I really did have a nightmare.
Daria: Don’t worry, Quinn, it was just a dream, those
puppies were not really being tortured.
Quinn: I’d
take the puppy-hurting dream over this one.
Daria: (Thinking) Something must really be
disturbing her if she says something like that. (Now speaking) Okay, Quinn, what was this dream about?
Quinn: Beavis.
Daria: Uh, say no more.
Quinn: He
was…
Daria: Quinn, I was serious when I said, “Say no
more”. I’m sure that your dream was
just an exaggeration of how you’re feeling about the whole Beavis situation.
Quinn: God,
I wish I didn’t tell Stacy about him last night.
Daria: (Knowing how much can be said in one of those
conversations) Oh, God. Just how
much did you say about him?
([Music: The Cure – Jumping On Someone Else’s Train] Cut to Daria and Jane walking to school)
Jane: And how much did Quinn happen
to tell Stacy?
Daria: About
everything. Now everyone at school is
going to have their attention trained on me as well.
(By this time they are entering the front doors of the school)
Jane: You
could always start a rumour about Quinn and Beavis if it gets too much.
Daria: I could, but I won’t. If I did and Beavis ever caught wind of it,
he might believe it himself and act out on it.
And despite my relationship with my sister, I still wouldn’t wish that
upon her.
Jane: What
about Sandi?
Daria: We’ll see. So anyway, did you remember to bring your
camera today?
Jane: Oh, yeah. I brought enough tape to last for the whole
week.
Daria: What about your books?
Janes: What’s
more important, schoolwork of the ability to watch Beavis getting his ass kicked
over and over? I don’t want to miss a second of the carnage.
(Passing by Beavis)
Beavis: (Begins
following Daria and Jane) Whoa! Meh, heh, carnage is cool.
Jane: Beavis, as much as I’d
love to watch the whole thing with you, I don’t think it’d work out. You are supposed to be in front of the
camera.
Beavis: Um, okay. Um, is this going to be, like, on TV or
something?
Daria: Bombshells being thrown at
Blonds, Next on Sick Sad World.
Beavis: Bombs, yeah, bombs are cool.
Jane: Andy Warhol, eat your
heart out. (To Daria) If he keeps this
kind of talk up, Ms Li’s going to be in on the action, I’ve always wanted a
video of police brutality.
Beavis: So, like, where’s the bomb, or
something?
Daria: Are
you sure you want eight or nine hours of this?
Jane: Sure beats eight or nine
hours of some guy sleeping. Besides, if
I edit out all the crap I may have around an hours worth of entertainment.
Daria: And
if you edit out all the stupid crap that’s going to happen, you’ll have
nothing.
Beavis: This movie sucks, can we,
like, make it a porno, or something?
Jane: Not today, Beavis.
Beavis: Wanna, like, see my thingy?
Daria and Jane: (In unison) No!
(Cut to Mr O’Neil’s class)
Sandi: (Very devious,
slightly raised voice) So, Quinn, is that
creepy new guy your ex-boyfriend from Highland, or something?
Quinn: (To
herself) Oh, no. (To Sandi) Of course not
Sandi, what do you think I am?
Sandi: But didn’t you tell Stacy that
you two went to the same school in Highland?
Quinn: Stacy!
Stacy: (Very fearful) Eep! Um,
sorry, Quinn.
Quinn: Besides,
Sandi, just because we went to the same school does not mean that we
went out. Ick!
Sandi: Gee, Quinn, I hope you
aren’t trying to make me look like a liar in front of all these
people. Cos, like, it’s your word
against mine now.
Quinn: Um, (notices that a
few people are now staring at her) come on,
guys, you believe me, right? (Blank
stares) Right? Ugh!
(At this
Quinn storms out of the room just as Mr O’Neil addresses the class)
O’Neil: Now class, today is… Um,
Quinn? (Looks over to the
remainder of the Fashion Club) Um, Sandi, is
there something wrong with Quinn?
Sandi: Oh, no, I wouldn’t worry
about it.
O’Neil: Okay, well then, let’s get
started. I hope everyone brought in
their selected texts.
(The students as a collective hold up their texts, they
are all magazines, a few guitar magazines, outdated copies of Waif, football magazines, Seventeen magazines, two pornos and a Ratboy
comic)
O’Neil: Um, there weren’t any actual books,
were there?
Jamie: But you, like said they
could be whatever we wanted.
O’Neil: (Sighs) I guess I did, Jason, didn’t I. Well, in that case, for your assignment
you’ll have to include the text that you are parodying. Um, could someone tell Quinn about
this? I’d hate to see her at a
disadvantage.
(Jamie, Jeffy and Joey look at each other and run out the room door.)
J x 3: (In unison) Quinn wait up.
Jeffy: (OS) We don’t care if that Beavis creep was your
boyfriend. We all make mistakes!
Joey: (OS) I’ll kick his ass for you Quinn!
Jamie: (OS) No way, he’s mine, asshole!
Joey: (OS) Find your own guy to beat up!
(The sounds of battle can now be heard in the hall where
Jamie, Jeffy and Joey are duking it out to see who gets the sacred right to
kill Beavis, Sandi looks on in dismay, ashamed that three hot guys would prefer
Quinn over her despite the sordid rumour she had just planted.)
O’Neil: (Sighs) Never mind.
(Cut to Mr DeMartino’s class, Mr DeMartino has a large bald patch on the left side of his head and is in a state of near hysteria.)
DeMartino: No, Jane, the Spanish
Inquisition did not use comfy chairs as a preferred
punishment!
Jane: (Very evil smirk with
camera hiding just behind her desk and pointed at her teacher) But what about…
DeMartino: Enough, Jane, Monty Python
shows are not a reliable source for information on world
history.
Jane: What about their movies?
DeMartino: Ms Lane, if you cared to read the text
last night you would know that the Spanish Inquisition did not use comfy
frigging chairs, fluffy pillows, spice racks, and Eric Idle
was not the grand inquisitor at any period in history!
Beavis: (Quietly to himself) Heh, heh, like, grand masturbator.
Jane: (To Daria) The seed has been planted, now for a word from our
star of the show if you don’t mind.
Daria: Not at all, Andy
Warlane. (To Beavis) Um, Beavis, guess what?
Beavis: Um, what, Diarrhoea? Heh, heh, cha, cha, cha!
Daria: (Sighs to herself) I can’t believe I’m doing this. (To Beavis) Look over there!
Hot, naked chick!
Beavis: (Jumps up out of his
seat and looks over to Brittany and yells at the top of his lungs) All right! Hot, naked chick! This rules! (Calms down) Um, wait a
minute.
DeMartino: That’s it!
(Mr DeMartino leaps over his desk, pushes past the students in the front row, purposefully pushing Kevin out of his seat and grabbing Beavis by the throat. The scene is similar to Ms Barch’s class of the previous day, most of the students cheering DeMartino on, Jodie and Mack this time are looking on in an amused manner, Daria is looking on with much the same look on her face while Jane is standing atop her desk filming the whole event from above. After Kevin picks himself off the floor he somehow realizes that Beavis was talking about Brittany and thus joins in with DeMartino in the massacre, after this the entire class, sans Jodie, Mack, Jane and Daria, join in and the room becomes a riot. Jodie, Mack and Daria leave the room not wanting to be caught up in this, while Jane stays just inside the doorway to catch the remaining action. Just down the hallway the very badly bruised Jamie, Jeffy and Joey are stalking painfully and searching for Beavis. They hear his screams coming from DeMartino’s class and so they push past Jane and join in.)
DeMartino: (OS) Die, you little moronic imbecile, you make Kevin
look like a genius, you maggot!
Kevin: (OS) Thanks, Mr D.
DeMartino: (OS) Shut up, Kevin!
Kevin: (OS) Urk!
(Daria sighs to herself at how quickly the day has
descended into madness. She head
towards the girls room to hide from this scene. Upon entering the room she hears some very familiar sobs coming
from the end stall.)
Daria: Um, Quinn, this is my stall.
Quinn: (Irritated) God, Daria, can’t you ever just leave me alone?
Daria: Well, you sound pretty upset
so I’m going to go against my better judgement and try to cheer you up.
Quinn: Yeah,
and what could cheer me up now, my life is over.
Daria: Is it so over you can’t go
down to Mr DeMartino’s classroom and watch Kevin, Joey, Jeffy, Jamie and
DeMartino himself beat Beavis into submission?
(At this Quinn opens her stall and runs out of the restroom.)
Daria: (Smirking to
herself) Yeah, you’re welcome.
([Music: Smashing Pumpkins – Pug] Cut to the school auditorium, all of the students and teachers involved in the incident are seated in the front two rows and are being severely scolded by Ms Li.)
Li: Just what the hell
were you doing in there?
Beavis: Um, like, looking at naked
chicks.
DeMartino: (Pointing
to Beavis) Polishing the floor with his
face.
J x 3: (in
unison and also pointing to Beavis) Killing
that dude.
Kevin: (Also pointing to
Beavis) Kicking his ass for ogling my
girl!
Andrea: (Very
bitter that it has come to this) Having some
good, honest fun.
Jane: (Still filming) Capturing all of the carnage on tape.
Li: Ms
Lane, turn that thing off, (beat) now!
(Jane grudgingly complies)
Li: Now, due to he sheer
size of this group, a bulk suspension is simply out of the question. It would make me look like an unfit
administrator to even have brawling on school campus. It is for this reason that I am going to ask you all to forget
that this even happened. For now we
will sweep it under the rug, but if any of you digress in anyway, you will be
expelled immediately. Capice? (Beat) Good. (Very acid voice) Have a nice day.
(Outside in the hallway, Kevin confronts Beavis.)
Kevin: (Trying to be
menacing) I, um, don’t know, like, who you are
and stuff, but, like, if you talk about my girlfriend like that again, I will,
like, kill you.
Beavis: Um, okay. Sorry about that.
Kevin: Cool. Say you’re funny sometimes!
Beavis: Um, really? Thanks.
(Cut to another hallway, Kevin and Beavis are walking side by side)
Beavis: Heh, heh, then he, like, said
Spanish Masturbation!
(Both Kevin and Beavis double up in a moronic giggling fit. Fade Out)
(Fade back in. After
school at Casa Lane, Daria is sitting on the bed while Jane is painting
something that looks like Beavis’ head with a nail rammed through it with Ms
Barch and Mr DeMartino behind him fighting for the hammer.)
Jane: Is
it all right if I edit these tapes at your place? Our VCR broke about two years ago along with the TV.
Daria: Um, sure. I’m warning you though; Quinn will
want to watch you doing this.
Jane: That’s all right, I want to
make a few copies and sell them over the Internet.
Daria: It’ll be a best seller in
Highland, that’s for sure. To think
that Andy Warhol was praised just for filming some guy sleeping.
Jane: Oh, yeah, this could
really kick start my career.
Daria: I’m sure it could.
Jane: Check that… our career.
Daria: What?
Jane: C’mon, Daria. I do the filming and subsequent artwork, you
do a stirring commentary and Mystik Spiral can do an amazing metal
soundtrack! So, what do you say?
Daria: Uh, Crazy
Nutfights, eat your heart out?
Jane: That’s the spirit!
Daria: Well, if I can take the
tape home I wont have to say anything when Mom and Dad ask me how my day was.
Jane: What, are you trying to deprive me of the most
interesting thing in my house?
Daria: Sorry, I wouldn’t want to do
that, would I?
Jane: At least you’ve got a
boyfriend to entertain you, all I’ve got is Trent’s practicing.
Daria: (Mumbles
something to herself).
Jane: Hey,
Daria, you want to invite Tom over when we do the editing.
Daria: (Dripping with
sarcasm) Sure, in fact, why don’t we just open
my house and charge everyone five bucks to watch the magic unfold.
Jane: Hey, great idea, maybe we
can document that too!
Daria: Not on your life,
compadre.
Jane: (Faux
disappointment) Aww.
End
– When the gym is obliterated, who will cry? Only those who get hurt, of course. A few
injuries and a very unpleasant situation for the Morgendorffer girls
will result in SB #103 – The Death of a Gymnasium.
Author’s Notes: Well,
there’s the second instalment in the SB series. I had a
distinct lack of ideas for this one and so it’s just a little shorter than I
had intended it to be, but I did keep my word and mention Tom in this
episode. Because of the lack of notable
events in this episode, I will keep these notes to a minimum. Spanish Inquisition jokes were written by
Monty Python.
For
reference here, Helen was not mentioned here because she was obviously at work,
when Quinn screams out the clock showed the time to be 6:42am and how many
times on the show does Helen dash out of the house at 5am screaming about her 7
o’clock meetings? She is written into
the next episode.
And
in case you noticed, Daria is in fact being uncharacteristically nice to Quinn,
don’t worry, it’s a hard time for both of them and as such is just a phase.
Please
feel free to send reviews, comments and criticisms to me at redboymark@hotmail.com. All types of ego-inflation will be welcomed.
This work was inspired by
the following and thus many thanks go out to:
All the good people who worked to bring us five seasons of Daria, the inane comedies of Beavis and Butthead, the many people who have written entertaining Daria fanfics over the course of time, namely Canadibrit,
Crazy Nutso, Dianne Long, Erin Mills, Martin J. Pollard, Kara Wild, Jon Kilner,
Nemo Blank and Wildgoose. Thank you all
for entertaining me. All references to Monty Python are purely intentional.
Daria and Beavis
and Butthead and all characters and their
personalities contained within are copyright MTV, Glenn Eichler, Susie Lewis
Lynn and Mike Judge and various other people I have failed to mention
here. This story was created purely for
fun, not for money. Please do not use
this or any subsequent works of mine for any financial gain. The stories, themes and new characters
within The Stupidity
Boundless Series, however, unless duly
credited, were created and written by me:
Mark Coulson, aka Scarlet, copyright 2002.
Songs: The Cure – Jumping On Someone Else’s Train
(Standing On A Beach, 1979, 1986)
Smashing Pumpkins – Pug (Adore, 1998)