by Scarlet
Episode 101
(Open
upon the exterior of Lawndale High School, cut to the interior of the school,
Daria and Jane are just arriving, the halls are empty)
Daria: I still can’t believe that you forgot that it’s
a school day today. You know it’s only
the second day back.
Jane: Come on, Daria. You know it can take me weeks to get back into a routine.
Daria: You could have at least forgotten any other
day when we don’t have DeMartino first up.
Jane: Oh, God.
Now I wish I didn’t wake up.
Daria: Or that Trent wasn’t still up to let me into
your room. He had another late practice session last night.
Jane: Or early.
Daria: Whatever.
(The
girls smirk to each other as they enter Mr DeMartino’s room to begin their days
worth of inanity)
DeMartino: Thank you, ladies, for deciding to finally show
up.
Jane: (Deadpan) We’re only five minutes late.
DeMartino: Well, Ms Lane, would you care to explain why
it is you and Ms Morgendorffer were not five minutes earlier to
class?
Jane: (Approaching her seat) Not really, it’s
not a very interesting story.
DeMartino: (Growls to himself) Well, if you two were any
earlier you might have noticed that we have a new student and a new topic.
Jodie: (Leans
over to Daria and whispers) It’s about the Spanish Inquisition.
Daria: (Usual deadpan) Now there’s a topic I
didn’t expect.
Jane: No-one expects a topic on the Spanish
Inquisition. Wait, wasn’t there
something about a new student.
DeMartino: (Turns to face a boy with very unkempt blond hair who
looks very familiar and speaks to him with a hint of evil in his voice)
Now, I know some people would say it’s unfair for me to ask a student to
think on their first day in a new class, but, Beavis, outline for us
just what the Spanish Inquisition was.
Daria: What the hell?
Beavis: Um, like, masturbating in Taco Bell?
(Daria’s
expression turns from one of stoic boredom to complete panic, she gets up from
her desk with the intention of hiding in the girls bathroom but instead faints
as she rises thus collapsing in a heap to the side of her desk)
DeMartino: (Was definitely not expecting an answer that bad)
I agree whole-heartedly, Ms Morgendorffer.
(Noticing that Daria hasn’t moved) Ms Morgendorffer?
Jane: Daria?
(Cut
to Mr O’Neil’s classroom [Music:
Deftones – Knife Prty], standard layout with the Fashion Club sitting at
the desks at the rear of the room)
O’Neil: And so,
tonight I want each and every one of you to choose a text to parody and bring
it into tomorrow’s class.
Tiffany: (Slowly) God, when
will teachers figure out that books are sooo geeky.
Sandi: It’s like
they don’t understand that popular people just don’t have time for such trivial
matters.
Jamie: Does it
matter what kind of text it is?
O’Neil: Not at
all, uh, Jeremy, it can be anything you want.
(All
the boys in the class yell “All right!” in chorus)
Stacy: That means we can just bring
in Waif.
Tiffany: Buuut,
that’s not a book.
Sandi: Stacy, I hope you were
just kidding when you mentioned making fun of Waif.
Stacy: Eep!
Quinn: Why not just use an older
copy, you know, like, one that’s now outdated?
Like last month’s?
Sandi: Well, you may have a point
there.
(Cut
to the Nurse’s Office, [Music: Red Hot Chilli
Peppers – Midnight], Daria awakens on one of the sick beds and rubs her head)
Jane: Welcome back to the land
of the living brain-dead, amiga. (Hands Daria her glasses) I believe
these are yours?
Daria: Thanks, Jane. What the hell just happened?
Jane: The hands on the clock
moved a little like they have for most of the day.
Daria: In class.
Jane: (Faux surprise) Oh,
that! Nothing other than you going into
hysterics and landing face first on the floor.
Daria: (Rising from the sick bed) So it wasn’t
just a paranoid delusion. Um, sorry
about that.
Jane: Don’t worry; I got out of
History for ten minutes, which is definitely better than nothing.
Daria: This cannot be
happening. Was that really Beavis?
Jane: You know him? This story I’ve just gotta hear.
Daria: Can’t it wait until lunch?
Jane: Lunch started five
minutes ago. Oh, and just for your
reference that Beavis guy managed to make Mr O’Neil cry in frustration and Mr
DeMartino tear out a huge patch of hair for much the same reason.
Daria: I’d expect no less of
him. But wait, I hear the call of the
cafeteria.
Jane: (To school nurse) In that
case, we’ll be right back.
(Cut
to cafeteria, [Music continues], Jane and Daria both have hamburgers and cans
of soda sitting before them, Jane’s is half-eaten but Daria’s is still
untouched)
Daria: So
that is how extreme the stupidity of those two is.
Jane: Wow, anyone who gives
Upchuck sex appeal and makes Kevin seem like a student with brain by comparison
deserves a medal.
Daria: Or a bullet, at least Kevin
can actually read.
Jane: Just
how much uranium was in that water supply?
Daria: Does that matter? If only it were plutonium.
(Before
long, Daria and Jane are approached by the Fashion Club, sans Quinn)
Jane: Just when you thought your day
couldn’t get any stupider, heads up.
Daria: (To the Fashion Drones) Um, no I
really don’t want a makeover, so before you ask, go away.
Stacy: But you could really use a
makeover to hide that bruise on your head.
Daria: (Moans) Oh, God.
Sandi: Um,
Quinn’s adopted cousin, or whatever, this has nothing to do with fashion,
although, like, you really could use it, or at least some foundation. (Daria is now giving the three Fashion Drones a very
harsh death-stare) But this is, like,
more important. Like, Mr O’Neil asked
us to parody a book and Quinn, like, said you were good with words.
Daria: Well, if
it’s tips on the English language you want, firstly don’t pepper your sentences
with meaningless words, such as like.
Stacy: Would you do our assignment
for us?
Daria: What?
Sandi: What
Stacy is trying to say in her tactless way is, like…
Jane: (Mumbling) There you go again with the like.
Sandi: We will agree to pay you if
you will do this assignment for us.
Daria: Oh, in that case it’ll be $250
(beat) each.
Sandi: What?! I was, like, thinking more like $50 from us
all.
Jane: Thinking,
eh?
Daria: $100 each.
Sandi: $150
combined.
Daria: $75 each.
Sandi: Deal.
Daria: Nope, I changed my mind.
Sandi: (More than a bit miffed) But we
just made a deal.
Daria: No, you
agreed and I refused. Now go away or I
will not be held responsible for the consequent de-accessorising.
Stacy: (Frantically) But, now we’ll have to do
our own work.
Jane: (Dramatically) Oh,
now. That would just never do!
(Tiffany
fails to comprehend any of what just happened and passively follows the
storming Sandi and Stacy, who is near tears)
Daria: (Rife with sarcasm) See you
later, like, Quinn’s asshole friends.
Jane: Like, I
just, like, wish that I could, like, get through one, like, day without having
to, like, deal with those, like, brain-atrophied little nitwits.
Daria: Careful,
Sandi.
Beavis: (OS)
Diarrhoea, cha, cha, cha!
Daria: Speaking
of brain-atrophied.
Jane: What
in God’s name is that?
Beavis: (OS)
Diarrhoea, cha, cha, cha!
Daria: A very bad nightmare. Please pinch me. Hard.
Jane: No
can do, if you wake up then I’ll be the only one left to suffer this.
Daria: If
I wake up, you’ll cease to exist.
Beavis: (OS)
Diarrhoea, cha, cha, cha!
Jane: Hmm, that is
a tempting offer but I don’t think I’d like to disappear until I’ve at the very
least got my art career started.
Beavis: (OS)
Diarrhoea, cha, cha, cha!
Daria: (Very deadpan and very disappointed) Damn it.
Beavis: (Next to the girls’ table
now) Diarrhoea, cha, cha, cha!
Daria: Beavis. Long time no see. Not long enough evidently.
Beavis: Um, hey
Diarrhoea. (To Jane) Um, like,
hey, baby!
Daria: So, where’s Butthead?
Beavis: Um, like, he
died, or something, so I’m, like, here now.
Daria: I see,
your idiot best friend gets himself killed so you travelled a thousand miles to
the east. What, are you hiding from the
pain?
Beavis: Um,
no. They, like, made me come. Now I, like, have to see some fart-knocker
to, like, get me, I don’t know…
Jane: Uh,
a brain?
Daria: A cleaner sense of humour?
Jane: A personality?
Beavis: Um, I
don’t know.
Daria: Well, Beavis, in that case, go
away. Now.
Beavis: Um, okay.
Jane: (After Beavis has left) Well that
was surprisingly easy.
Daria: Now let’s see just how far
away he goes.
Quinn: (OS) EEK!
Daria: (Grudgingly) I guess
he has some good points.
(Cut
to the hallway on the way to the next class)
Daria: Um, Jane, could I get you
to make up some excuse for me so I can get out of Ms Barch’s class?
Jane: Sure, I’ll just tell her
you came down with a really bad case of bulimia, I’m sure she’ll believe
that. Why do you want to get out of
Barch’s class, I’m sure there’ll be some prime violence you won’t want to
miss. Involving both Beavis and Upchuck.
Daria: As tempting as the
prospect of watching some classic man-abuse, I’m just going to have to give it
a miss today, I need to speak with Ms Li about this Beavis situation.
Jane: Oh, well. I wish I brought my camera; this will
probably be a once in a lifetime experience watching Barch kill Beavis.
Daria: Now I wish I could see that,
but I have to know what’s going on.
Jane: Godspeed, amiga.
(Cut
to Ms Li’s office, Daria is seated before the desk)
Li: Well,
Ms Morgendorffer, I don’t see why this couldn’t wait until after your class.
Daria: Because the student that
has just been transferred here from Highland is disturbing, not to mention
dangerous to the people around him and, less importantly, himself.
Li: Ms
Morgendorffer, I’m sure he is not really that bad, he’s probably just …
Daria: Have
you actually met him?
Li: Well, no, actually I was
elsewhere this morning.
Daria: Right, what about Mrs Manson’s
analysis.
Li: (Uptight) Ms
Morgendorffer, those analyses are private and confidential. Besides, Mrs Manson was with me.
Daria: Well, do you at least have the
phone number for Highland High?
(Ms
Li writes the number on a post-it note and hands it to Daria. Daria makes her way back to Ms Barch’s
class. [Music: Korn – Beat It Upright], as she opens the
door she sees Ms Barch pummelling into Beavis, Jodie and Mack looking on in shock,
most of the class cheering Barch on and Jane sketching the whole incident. Daria smirks at the scene)
Daria: (Sitting down next to Jane) Maybe I should
have waited until after school.
Jane: (Hardly looking away from
her work) I knew I should have run home to get my camera
during lunch.
Daria: Don’t
worry, if Barch doesn’t kill him today, you’ll be able to catch much the same
tomorrow.
Barch: (OS) Die, pig!
Jane: So, did you find much out?
Daria: No, I just
got the number of my old school. I’ll
hopefully get the details before tomorrow.
But that’s hoping that the phone is free.
Beavis: (OS) Argh!
(Exterior
shot of Chez Morgendorffer, [Music continues], cut to inside the Morgendorffer
kitchen. Daria picks up the handset of
the cordless phone and dials the number for Highland High, when she holds the
phone to her ear she hears not the ring tone rather…)
Quinn: (Over phone) Damn it, Daria! I’m trying to have a private
conversation! Can’t you just…
(Quinn’s
ranting is cut off as Daria replaces the handset to the cradle on the
wall. She sighs to herself as she opens
the refrigerator and gets herself a soda.
She moves up to her room, locks her door and turns on the TV)
SSW
Presenter: He
wanted a new pair of shoes; she gave him a pair made of cement! Divorce Sicilian Style coming up on Sick Sad
World!
Daria: Ah,
the comfort of bad TV.
(Daria
lays back on her bed and watches Sick Sad World until she hears three very
pronounced raps on her door)
Daria: (Deadpan with a hint of
mischief) Enter.
(She
hears the dull thump as Quinn attempts to enter through a locked door.)
Quinn: (OS) Ow! God!
(Now
satisfied with her sister’s misfortune, Daria goes over to unlock and open the
door to face a very irate Quinn)
Quinn: Damn it, Daria, you knew that
door was locked didn’t you?
Daria: (Smirking evilly) Guilty as
charged, officer.
Quinn: Who do you think you
are? You insult my friends, nearly
break my nose and sic Beavis onto me.
What the hell is with you today?
Daria: Just so you know, I did not
sic Beavis on you, he just went your way and recognised you.
Quinn: What the hell is Beavis
doing in Lawndale anyway?
Daria: If you’re finished on the
phone I plan to find that out. Anyway,
I thought you had your own extension.
Quinn: I only use that when Mom and
Dad are home. It’s not like you
ever use the phone for really important stuff anyway.
Daria: (Sighs) If you
want to know just why half of the brain-dead duo is in the same town as we are,
you should re-prioritise what you consider really important. I assume you are finished with the main
phone line?
Quinn: Well, I am for now.
Daria: Good, then I am going to
find out what the hell is going on.
Until I am finished with the phone you can use your private
line. Oh, and by the way, I found that
Butthead is dead.
(Quinn’s
face brightens up considerably at this piece of news. Daria closes her door again but doesn’t lock it this time. She picks up the handset of her phone and
dials the number for Highland High again.
This time she hears the ring tone rather than a barrage of sisterly
verbal abuse. After five rings she is
greeted by someone with a slight Texan accent.)
Receptionist: Highland
High School, principal’s office. How
may I help you?
Daria: Um,
hi, I wanted to talk to someone about Beavis?
Receptionist: Beavis? He doesn’t go to this school anymore (Almost inaudibly) Thank God.
Daria: Yeah,
that’s kind of why I called.
Receptionist: Oh. Well in that case I just put you through to
the principal, can I just have your name?
Daria: Daria Morgendorffer.
Receptionist: Thankyou
Daria, I’m putting you through now.
(Daria
waits for a few seconds and cringes as the tinny muzak [Music: Violent Femmes –
Country Death Song (it’s the only country song I could think of on short
notice, and it does seem oddly appropriate here)] comes through the
earpiece. Soon she is greeted by a
vaguely familiar voice that sounds nothing like Mr McVicker.)
Voice: Hello, Daria?
Daria: Yes?
Voice: This is Mr Van Driesen. It’s definitely been a long time. How is my favourite former student?
Daria: Well, as far as physical
health goes I’m fine but as for my mental health…
Van Driesen: Yes,
Linda tells me you were calling about Beavis, so what do you want to know.
Daria: Well, today Beavis
appeared in my school, among other things he said that he was being made to
attend at Lawndale High.
Van Driesen: Well,
yes he was transferred there yesterday.
Daria: He
also said something about Butthead being dead.
Van
Driesen: Damn, I was
hoping I wouldn’t have to go through this with anyone but yes he is dead. Do you remember when Mr McVicker had that
panic attack?
Daria: How
could I forget?
Van
Driesen: Well, about two
months ago Beavis and Butthead caused Mr McVicker to have another one. A few days later a teacher decided that it
would be a good idea to take Beavis and Butthead to the psychiatric ward to see
what they had done.
Daria: You
didn’t take them again did you?
Van
Driesen: Not me this
time. I learned my lesson the first
time. Anyhow this teacher took them to
see Mr McVicker. This caused him to
have yet another panic attack. So he
was given electroshock therapy and of course Beavis and Butthead accompanied
the ward staff. Apparently Beavis
touched a piece of equipment that he shouldn’t have and so while the staff were
yelling at him they weren’t paying attention to Butthead. Somehow Butthead managed to raise the
current on the machine to some deadly level and applied it to Mr McVicker’s temples. When he activated the machine his hands were
also touching the electrodes so both Butthead and Mr McVicker were killed. That’s why I’m principal now. Anyway after the incident Beavis showed
quite an improvement in his academic work, so it’s quite obvious that Butthead
was dragging him down. And that is what
Beavis’ problem is, his self-esteem is so low that he can hardly function by
himself; it’s just unfortunate that for so long he chose to have Butthead as
his social-host. For the next month until
the summer break he simply found someone each day that he could follow and
mimic. After a few seconds that person
would reject Beavis based upon his past performance and so he would begin again
and attach himself to someone new. Then
just before summer break I heard about a man working wonders for teenagers with
low self-esteem. A Timothy O’Neil who
works at Lawndale High. For all of the
work he’s done in the past he’s now nationally acclaimed. In fact I have heard that he is one of the
top motivational speakers for teens in the country.
Daria: You’re kidding, right?
Van
Driesen: Not at all. So, after hearing about the wonders that
this man had performed I decided to organise accommodation for Beavis in
Lawndale and have him transferred to Lawndale High.
Linda: (On the outside line) At least
it gets him out of our hair.
Quinn: (Listening in on the
downstairs phone) But why the hell did you send him here, why not somewhere
else?
Van
Driesen: (To Linda) Linda,
this is a private conversation.
Daria: (To Quinn, at the same time
as Van Driesen) Quinn, I told you to use your own damn line.
(Both
Linda and Quinn grumble something unintelligible in unison. Two clicks are then heard signifying that
both Linda and Quinn have hung up their phones.)
Daria: Well, I guess there is no
chance of Beavis ever being taken back to Highland is there?
Van Driesen: I’m
sorry, Daria, but not on your life.
Daria: (Slightly shocked at Van
Driesen’s last comment) Um, well… at least it explains Beavis’
presence. Thanks for clearing that up.
Van
Driesen: Much obliged,
thanks for calling, Daria.
Daria: Okay, thanks, bye (Lays the handset back in
its cradle gently) Damn!
([Music:
Radiohead – How To Disappear Completely] Daria leaves her room in a daze and
moves down into the kitchen and finds Quinn slumped over the table. Daria fetches two cans of soda out of the
refrigerator, one diet, and sits down beside Quinn, sliding the diet soda over
to her sister.)
Daria: I know exactly how you
feel.
Quinn: God, who would have thought,
of all the places they could have sent him?
Why here, why us?
Daria: I wish I knew, let’s just
hope that guardian angel of yours can protect the both of us.
Quinn: At least you’ll be
finished in a year; I’ll still be in the nightmare.
Daria: Quinn…
Quinn: (In a very matter of fact
tone) Daria, there’s no way he’ll pass senior year.
Daria: Van Driesen said that
Beavis is doing better in his schoolwork.
Quinn: Just because he can spell
his name now doesn’t mean he’ll graduate.
Daria: Touché, Quinn. But for now, let’s just hope for your sake
that you are wrong.
Quinn: Yeah, let’s hope.
(Just
at that moment the front door opens and slams closed and Jake unintentionally
breaks apart the rare warm moment his two daughters are sharing and decides to
take an interest in their lives)
Jake: Hey, girls. Did anything interesting happen today?
(At this the two
Morgendorffer girls share a look and then get up and leave the room)
Jake: What did I do?
End
– What
happens when a socially challenged leech needs to find a new clique? Find out just how much fun Jane can have in
one day in SB
#102 – Dumber and Dumber.
Author’s
Notes: Well that’s it, my first ever
fanfic and the first instalment of my Stupidity Boundless series. This was a pretty simplistic episode in my
eyes but none the less I am still impressed that I managed to actually finish a
story that I started. My reasoning
behind the central theme of this series, that is the presence of Beavis without
Butthead, was to explore the possibility raised in some Beavis and Butthead episodes
where Beavis is shown without the negative influence of Butthead. One of these episodes was a Christmas
special where the boys’ guardian angel is sent to Earth to persuade Butthead to
kill himself. When Butthead is shown
the alternate reality we are shown Beavis working in a soup kitchen with
Stuart. This sort of inspired me
recently to view Beavis as a very needy creature, needing social acceptance
from somewhere, anywhere, even if it’s just from one person. So I felt that if I killed off Butthead (and
McVicker, just for fun) and sent Beavis to Lawndale, I could see where the
whole mess goes.
It goes
without saying that some of the character traits within this series have been
borrowed from the relevant TV shows, along with some of the jokes. I have for the most part tried to keep the
humour original while still keeping faithful to the TV series. Some jokes may have unconsciously taken from
other fanfics. I am sorry if I have
done that anywhere, please don’t crucify me just notify me.
I decided to
call this series Stupidity Boundless rather than Boundless Stupidity for the
simple reason of abbreviation; The SB series works a lot better for me than the BS series.
Just for reference, this episode is
set the day after Is It Fall Yet concludes, Daria is still with Tom, and in fact Tom
actually gets a mention in the next episode.
In this he plays a rather pivotal role in later episodes (At this stage
that is what I intend to happen, it may change by then though, I know now how
easy it is for the characters to control the writer in some cases). Also in future episodes there may be some
coarse language, violence, adult themes and sexual themes/references but I make
no promises. And the author’s notes should seldom be this long.
Please feel free to send reviews,
comments and criticisms to me at redboymark@hotmail.com. All types of ego-inflation will be welcomed.
About the
author: I am an
Australian and so pardon me for using Australian grammar and spelling, for the
most part I am trying to keep the language as American as I can manage (it’s
called catering to your audience) but I will inevitably use some Australian
terms somewhere.
My pseudonym actually comes from
when I was looking for a name for my band and then I looked at one of my
shirts, a sort of red one and so I thought Scarlet and the name just happened
to become stuck in my mind.
This work was inspired by the following and thus many thanks
go out to: All the good people who
worked to bring us five seasons of Daria, the inane comedies of Beavis and Butthead, the many
people who have written entertaining Daria fanfics over the course of time,
namely Canadibrit, Crazy Nutso, Dianne Long, Erin Mills, Martin J. Pollard,
Kara Wild, Jon Kilner, Nemo Blank and Wildgoose. Thank you all for entertaining me. All references to Monty Python
are purely intentional.
Daria
and Beavis
and Butthead and all characters and their personalities contained within
are copyright MTV, Glenn Eichler, Susie Lewis Lynn and Mike Judge and various
other people I have failed to mention here.
This story was created purely for fun, not for money. Please do not use this or any subsequent
works of mine for any financial gain.
The stories, themes and new characters within The Stupidity Boundless Series, however,
unless duly credited, were created and written by me: Mark Coulson, aka Scarlet, copyright 2002.
Songs: Deftones –
Knife Prty (White
Pony, 2000)
Red
Hot Chilli Peppers – Midnight (By the Way, 2002)
Violent
Femmes – Country Death Song (Hallowed Ground, 1984)
Korn
– Beat It Upright (Untouchables,
2002)
Radiohead
– How To Disappear Completely (Kid A, 2000)