FOREWORD: Okay, before you start reading there are a couple of things you should know: First of all - I don't live in the US. I live in Finland. This results in (at least) two things: 1) My language skills. A big thank you to everyone who has e-mailed me telling me the language is fine. Because of this I think I can cut down on this disclaimer, but *should* you notice any ridiculous mistakes, you know the reason... 2) My knowledge of US culture. I don't know a whole lot about for instance the US school system etc. There are a lot of details about every day life that I have no way of knowing, and this limits my scope. This is my sixth fanfic. The fourth if you only count "on canon"-fics. In case anyone's interested my previous ones are: 1)"End weekend, end" 2)"Hotter than Hades" 3) "A lousy deal" 4) "How Deep it Goes" (Non-canon) 5) "A sick sad goodbye" (Non-canon). Also, a big thank you, to everyone who sent me feedback on them. I really appreciate it, and of course I am grateful for any feedback I might receive on this story as well. One more thing. I've (once again) tried to keep everything as real as possible and I've tried to write the story in such a way that the reader, with the help of his/her imagination could create the illusion of actually watching a real "Daria"-episode. Now I guess that was about it, let the show begin... Daria in "Satura Tota Nostra Est" by Daniel Suni (c) April 2000 ---BEGIN ACT 1: EXT.: LAWNDALE HIGH. EARLY AFTERNOON. CUT TO: INT.: LAWNDALE HIGH. THE HALLWAY. (Daria and Jane are walking down the hallway.) DARIA: Sooo... Studied hard for the test? JANE: Come on. You know me better that that. DARIA: (Slight smirk.) Oh, yeah. I almost forgot how involved you are in your schoolwork. JANE: (Pseudo-offended.) Hey! Somewhere deep inside I, Jane Lane, *really* care. DARIA: How deep inside? JANE: (Shrugs.) I don't know. (pause) Maybe the autopsy will reveal... CUT TO: ANOTHER PART OF THE HALLWAY: (The Fashion Club is gathered and the three J's are standing as close to Quinn as is possible.) SANDI: ...so then I told my Dad: "The hot tub is sure nice and all, but don't you think it would take a little more than that to get the neighbours' attention?", and now he's like making plans for one of those *huge* swimming- pools in the back yard. TIFFANY: Woooow. Swimming pools are really cool for parties and stuff. STACY: (Giggles.) You're so smart Sandi. QUINN: (Obviously bothered, but faking friendliness.) What a *strange* co- incidence. *I* was just thinking about talking to *my* dad about a swimming- pool. (Daria and Jane walk by as she says this, view still remains with the FC, though.) JOEY: (Enthusiastic.) When you've talked him into it, just let me know. I'll come over and help with the building, and stuff. JEFFY: (Just as enthusiastic.) Me too. I'm a great digger. JAMIE: (Even more enthusiastic.) Me three. I'm the greatest digger of us all. QUINN: (Pleased with the attention.) Oh, guys.... SANDI: (Annoyed.) *Actually* I *think* they dig these things with an excavator, *unless* of course, it's one of those *really low budget* pools. (Awkward silence that Sandi seems pleased with. Quinn lets out an embarrassed chuckle.) CUT TO: (Daria and Jane still walking down the hallway.) JANE: Swimming pool? Have you *ever* figured out what those things are good for? DARIA: Well, I guess if you decide to drown yourself, it's easier to do it there than in the bathtub. JANE: Hey, that might be an idea. Let your sister get the pool - then arrange a "tragic accident". DARIA: I'm not sure that would work... JANE: Sure. Just get her to the middle of the pool, then tell her that the inflatable duck she's using makes her look like a geek. (Pause. Disingenuous smirk.) GIIIIRRL OVERBOARD! DARIA: (Smirks.) I still don't think it would work. (pause) Her head gives her a lot more buoyancy than you'd think. JANE: (Chuckles.) And that brings us to a different topic. Why are these things called *swimming* pools, anyway? All I've ever seen people do in them is float. DARIA: Because people are either too lazy to swim or too fat to sink, and in both cases too proud to admit it? CUT TO: INT.: LAWNDALE HIGH. MR. O'NEILL'S CLASS. (The students are all sitting quietly. There are a few sheets of paper in front of everyone. Most of them appear to be concentrating, and it's quite obvious that they're doing a test. Mr. O'Neill is supervising.) ZOOM TO: (Jane who suddenly gets a very puzzled look. Apparently the question in front of her could just as well be about the energy levels of charm-quarks in a wormhole under the influence of a massive gravity well. She briefly gets a resigned look, closes her eyes, places the pencil on the paper at random, opens her eyes and marks the box that was closest. She then puts down the pencil and collects the papers into a neat bundle. As she does this, however one of the papers slips away and sails over toward Daria, landing right on top of her right boot. Daria wordlessly picks up the paper and holds it out to Jane who's about to take it when she's suddenly interrupted.) MR. O'NEILL: (Gets up from his chair.) Oh, dear! (Everybody looks at him. He walks around his desk toward Daria and Jane. Concerned voice.) Daria, what's that paper in your hand? (She's still holding it out toward Jane.) DARIA: It's a paper Jane dropped. I was just giving it back to her. GUY IN THE BACK OF THE CLASS [V.O.]: (Taunting.) Yeah, right! (Looks at the guy we don't see and frowns, then turns back to Mr. O'Neill, she's about to say something, but is interrupted.) JANE: It's true. I dropped it when I was collecting my papers. I was just about to submit the test. I'm done. MR. O'NEILL: Oh, yes. But *Daria* is still working on hers. DARIA: But I didn't look at it. ANOTHER GUY IN THE BACK OF THE CLASS [V.O.]: (Sarcastic.) Of course you didn't. (Snickers and chuckles from the back of the class.) JANE: (Frowns, turns to Mr. O'Neill.) I *know* she didn't. (pause) Besides *she* doesn't have to look at *my* test - in fact I would declare anyone who tried an idiot. MR. O'NEILL: (Apologetic.) I understand that you want to stand up for your friend, (Very briefly turns on his "motivational"-mode.) - and that's *good*, (Back to apologetic.) - but regretfully I can't make any exceptions in this case. (Turns to Daria.) Daria, I'm afraid you'll have to come with me to the principal's office. GIRL IN THE BACK OF THE CLASS [V.O.]: (Mocking.) So *that's* how she always got those A:s. GUY IN THE BACK OF THE CLASS [V.O.]: (To Mr. O'Neill.) Way to go! You've gotta' show 'em! DARIA: (Can't quite believe this is happening. Turns to Mr. O'Neill.) Excuse me? (Snickering from the back of the class.) GUY IN THE BACK OF THE CLASS [V.O.]: You can't let her--- MR. O'NEILL: (Doesn't like the tone of voice of the people in the back, and takes a (for him) unusually strict voice.) Please, calm down everyone and get back to your tests. *I* will deal with this matter. (Turns to Jane) You were done, weren't you? JANE: Umm... Yeah. MR. O'NEILL: (Takes her test.) Good, then I can trust *you* to supervise the rest of the class while I take care of this, can't I. JANE: (Still a bit taken by surprise.) Uh... MR. O'NEILL: Excellent. I knew I could count on you! (Turns to Daria. Makes a gesture towards the door.) Please. (Daria sighs, gets up and leaves the classroom with Mr. O'Neill. There are a few seconds of silent anticipation in the class, then almost everyone get up, charge over to Daria's desk and start copying her answers.) JANE: HEY! GUY: (Frowns at her.) What? You're gonna' rat on us? (Everybody look up and frown at Jane. Jane gets a very dejected expression, lowers her eyes and sighs deeply. The others go back to copying answers.) CUT TO: THE HALLWAY: (MUSIC: "People are strange"; by Doors) (Daria is walking beside Mr. O'Neill.) DARIA: I'm telling you: I didn't try to cheat on the test. MR. O'NEILL: (Annoyingly understanding.) I know you probably had no reason to cheat on the test, but I have to be fair to everyone. I can't just turn a blind eye on someone exchanging papers during the test - no matter who that person is. I'm sure you can see that. CUT TO: THE CLASSROOM: (People are still copying answers. Jane looks unhappy.) KEVIN: Hey, what's the answer to number #75? GUY: C! KEVIN: Thanks, man! CUT TO: (Daria and Mr. O'Neill.) DARIA: (About to give up.) But we weren't exchanging *anything*. She *dropped* a paper by *mistake*. I picked it up and handed it back *without* looking at it, and in fact without even thinking about it. That's it. (Pause. Deadpan voice.) What are you going to do? Have me expelled for it? Or just taken down to the basement and shot? MR. O'NEILL: (Reassuring.) No, no, of course not. I assure you, this is mostly a formality. We'll talk this through with Ms. Li. I'm sure she will be completely fair. DARIA: You're right. (pause) She'll probably have me shot in public. CUT TO: INT.: MS. LI'S OFFICE. (Ms. Li is on the phone. She is scribbling something in her calendar as she speaks.) MS. LI: *The ministry of education*?! That is so exciting! (pause) Yes, yes of course. (pause) Not at all. It was good that you called me. Now I can be prepared, and bring further honour to mys--- uh... my little *school*. (pause) Uh-huh. (pause, looks shocked) *Thursday*?!? That's so soon! (pause) No, no. Not at all. Thank you, and I owe you one. (Hangs up.) (There is a knock on the door.) MS. LI: Enter! (The door opens and Mr. O'Neill and Daria enter.) MS. LI: I hope this is important. I'm quite busy right now. MR. O'NEILL: Oh, I'll be brief - you see it's just that I just caught... Well *caught* is perhaps an inappropriate word here. It sounds so negative - it could arouse prejudices, something that we of course want to avoid best as we can. I *noticed* that Miss Morgendorffer here was... Well, *cheating* is perhaps too strong a word here. You see--- MS. LI: (Annoyed at Mr. O'Neill's incapability of getting to the point.) Did you say cheating? How? DARIA: (Butts in quickly to prevent Mr. O'Neill from complicating it any further.) Jane dropped a paper when she was about to submit the test. I picked it up, handed it to her, end of story. MR. O'NEILL: Like I said - nothing *major*, but I still felt that in the name of fairness I had to--- MS. LI: (Cunning voice.) Nothing major? I'll decide what's major. (Turns to Daria.) Miss Morgendorffer, are you aware of the school's procedures in a case like this? DARIA: (Casual.) You let the whole thing slide without doing anything about it. (Silence. Both Miss Li & Mr. O'Neill cock their eyebrows in surprise.) DARIA: (Getting exactly the reaction she wanted. Faking realisation.) Oh! You weren't talking about jocks now. I see. (Pause. Dry voice.) No, I have no idea what the school policy for *regular* people is. MS. LI: (Frowns.) This is neither the time nor the place for your wisecracks Miss Morgendorffer. This is going to look very bad on your permanent record, not to mention that I will have to call your parents and consider what further actions to take in order to prevent this from happening in the future. You will of course fail this class, although you will have the opportunity to take it again during the summer. (pause) And this has been going on for... how long? DARIA: (Stunned.) I beg your pardon? MR. O'NEILL: (Tries to intervene.) Excuse me, Angela. I think you misunder--- MS. LI: (Ignores him.) I, of course can't do anything about your previous grades without any solid evidence, but I assure you - actions *will* be taken to make sure this doesn't happen in the future. (Ponders.) I think it might be best to have you do the tests alone with a supervisor from now on. (Bangs fist on the desk.) *Nobody* is going to claim that the well-performing students of Lawndale High have gotten their grades through cheating! (Daria's jaw drops in shocked horror.) MR. O'NEILL: But Miss Li, please. I really do believe you're overreacting. You see I'm sure that Daria didn't--- MS. LI: (Holds up a hand gesturing for Mr. O'Neill to be quiet. Then gets a mischievous smirk.) Okay, okay. (Turns to Daria.) I will give you an opportunity to redeem yourself. (pause) I have just received word that two... (pause) *highly influential* people are going to make a surprise visit to Lawndale High, and I want to give them something *special*. (pause) I would like you to read an essay about honoured school traditions in a public assembly this Thursday. DARIA: (Looking helpless.) You want *me* to write an essay to please these people? MS. LI: Yes, unless you want me to take the actions I just described. This is your *one* chance Miss Morgendorffer (Leans over the desk in a threatening manner.) You better make it *good*. (Turns to Mr. O'Neill.) Now, I'm afraid I'll have to ask you both to leave. I'm quite busy. CUT TO: EXT.: MS. LI'S OFFICE. (The office door slams shut behind Daria and Mr. O'Neill. Mr. O'Neill looks surprised/embarrassed, Daria just looks miserable.) MR. O'NEILL: (Carefully trying to say something.) Eh... Well, that didn't go quite as I thought it would... (pause) But reading an essay isn't so bad, is it? DARIA: (Bitter.) No, especially since all I have to do in order to write it, is betray my principles, stand up for something I don't believe in, suck up to people I don't know, and sell my immortal soul to the devil. (Mr. O'Neill looks shocked.) DARIA: (Dryly, but with a hint of depression.) I think I would actually have preferred the basement. (Turns and leaves.) (Mr. O'Neill's lower lip starts to quiver.) CUT TO: MR. O'NEILL'S CLASS (Everyone is seated (except, of course for Daria who isn't present). Jane is sitting at her usual place with a thick sheaf of papers in front of her. An emotionally unstable Mr. O'Neill enters.) MR. O'NEILL: Ah, Jane. Everyone done? JANE: Have been for some time... MR. O'NEILL: And... (Swallows hard. Looks like he'd like to flee the classroom.) ...everything went well? JANE: (Now is her chance.) Umm... (Looks at the other students and chickens out.) Sure. MR. O'NEILL: Good. (Takes the sheaf from her desk, then suddenly breaks down and runs off weeping.) JANE: (To herself.) This can't be good. (People start leaving the classroom. The same guy who earlier asked Jane whether she was going to rat on them bumps rather unfriendlily into Jane.) GUY: (Self-conceited smirk.) It's good to see you know what's good for you. (Leaves.) (Jane frowns.) CUT TO: (Daria walking slowly home from school looking depressed.) JANE [V.O.]: Whoa! Wait up. (Daria stops and turns. Jane runs up to her panting.) JANE: Hey, you just disappeared without a trace. What happened? (Time lapse effect...) DARIA: ...and now I've got the option of writing and reading an essay that worships everything I don't believe in, or facing a new dimension of humiliation and a social stigma that will probably disappear by the time I turn forty. JANE: (Concerned.) That bad? DARIA: U-huh. JANE: Um... Anything I can do? DARIA: (Slightly bitter.) You got Doctor Kevorkian's number? JANE: (Bothered by Daria's reply.) Uh... 'Fraid not. (They walk in uncomfortable silence for a while. Daria seems to slowly go from looking depressed to looking angry.) DARIA: (With unusual fierceness - she's spitting out the words.) She's just *using* me to suck up to those bigwigs. She acts like I've achieved all my grades by cheating - but she *knows* I'm good at what I do, or she wouldn't have me do this stupid essay! (pause) THE HYPOCRITE! JANE: (Not knowing what else to say.) Umm... Wanna' come over to my place? (pause) I'll order pizza, and we'll talk about this, okay? DARIA: (Still depressed.) I don't think so. I really feel like being alone right now. (pause) Besides, I'm not hungry either. (They've reached Daria's place and she wordlessly walks up to the door, and disappears inside. Jane remains on the sidewalk looking quite depressed too.) CUT TO: INT.: MORGENDORFFER RESIDENCE. THE LIVING ROOM. (Helen & Jake are sitting on the couch. Both are doing some sort of paperwork. Daria enters.) HELEN: (Looks up.) Hi, how was school? (Daria doesn't reply - she just heads upstairs.) HELEN: (To Jake.) Well, that's odd... JAKE: (Confused.) Huh? What? HELEN: Daria. She didn't answer me. (pause) Not even with sarcasm. JAKE: (Clueless.) Daria was here? HELEN: (Gives up.) Rrrrgh! (Returns to paperwork.) JAKE: (Confusion turns to irritation. Mutters to himself.) Women... CUT TO: INT.: QUINN'S ROOM. (Music: "Don't worry be happy"; by Bobby McFerrin) (Quinn is standing in front of her mirrors trying applying lipstick. Daria walks by looking just as depressed as before, then suddenly halts, looks at Quinn's cassette-player (from which the music is coming), frowns, enters Quinn's room and switches off the music.) QUINN: (Turns around.) HEY! (Briefly cut to an "artistic" shot of Daria. The background is all black, Daria is drawn in very dark colours and she's looking straight into the camera with a real death-frown. A pipe organ plays some chilly notes for effect. Then cut back to normal view.) QUINN: Eep! (Daria exits. A few seconds later we hear Suicidal Tendencies' "Nobody hears" from her room.) CUT TO: INT.: LANE RESIDENCE. JANE'S ROOM. (The same music is playing. Jane is lying on her bed staring at the ceiling.) (Enter Trent.) TRENT: Hey, Janey? JANE: (Doesn't move an inch. Unenthusiastic.) Yeah? TRENT: I couldn't help but notice that you've been playing this same tune for half an hour now... (Switches off her stereo.) JANE: So what? Do you remember how many times *you've* listened to "Come as you are"? TRENT: (A bit thrown off.) Um... Yeah... But you're not in a band. (pauses Realises something. Cocks his eyebrows.) Are you? JANE: (Dryly.) It's called "Suburban Carnage". (pause) I play the trashcan. TRENT: (Laughs/coughs.) That's what I thought. (Pause. Gets serious.) So, what's up? JANE: (Points up.) The ceiling - and beyond that I'm not really interested. (Trent just looks at her. He knows she's being evasive, but isn't sure how far he should push this. Jane looks back. Trent cocks a questioning eyebrow.) JANE: Okay, fine! (Time lapse effect...) JANE: ...so now I'm miserable because Daria is miserable, and I'm even more miserable because it's partly my fault. Then there is also the fact that I'm a failure. (pause) I didn't tell Daria about the people who cheated off her test - I don't even want to know how she'd react to that. She's being screwed and everybody else is taking advantage of it. I could have turned those people in, but I doubt it would help *her*, and it would definitely make *me* even more exiled than I already am. (pause) Still - it was my job to look after them, and I didn't, so I'm a failure. (Getting sarcastic.) On the bright side, I can always trade that failure for more misery. TRENT: Man... That sucks. JANE: (Depressed.) Hey, you're over 21. You think you could get me a bottle of something? I just realised that life would be a whole lot easier if one were unconscious... TRENT: I'm not sure that would be--- JANE: I suppose I could also use Summer's sleeping pills... (pause) How many do you need if you don't want to wake up again? TRENT: (Not quite sure as to how serious she is.) Umm... Let's not overreact. (Smiles.) This'll turn out okay, you'll see. JANE: (Dryly.) Famous last words. TRENT: No, really. (pause) Maybe there is a way out of this that we just haven't seen? JANE: (Even more dryly.) Less famous last words. (Trent looks dejected.) CUT TO: EXT.: MORGENDORFFER RESIDENCE. EVENING. (We hear the sound of paper being crumpled.) CUT TO: INT.: DARIA'S ROOM. (Daria is sitting at her desk, tosses away a crumpled piece of paper, then glares at her empty notepad with disgust, as if it were a piece of child pornography. She gets a resigned look, sighs and tosses the pencil on the desk.) QUINN [V.O.]: (Whining.) But dad, don't you see that my *social status* is at stake here? JAKE [V.O.]: GAH! You think I'm made out of money!? (pause) Well think again! DARIA: (Shouts downstairs.) Don't you usually need to do something for the first time before you can do it again?! QUINN [V.O.]: (Shouts upstairs.) Shut up, Daria! (Daria unenthusiastically picks up the pencil and starts writing. It's obvious she's doing this just because she's got to do *something* lest she go crazy.) DARIA [writing V.O.]: The peasants, feeling oppressed and neglected were revolting once again demanding higher standards of living, but the treasurer was not about to give up this time. Too many valuable resources had already been wasted on these ungrateful people. QUINN [V.O.]: Daa-aaad! Don't you see, you're ruining my life!? DARIA [writing V.O.]: The peasants, however were just as determined and with an inhuman scream they charged the barriers with every last ounce of strength they possessed. JAKE [V.O.]: GAH! DAMMIT! (Follows incoherent rant that can't quite be heard inside Daria's room.) QUINN [V.O.]: DAA-AAAD! (Daria rolls her eyes, turns the pencil around, erases something, then rewrites.) DARIA [writing V.O.]: ...and with a *subhuman* scream they charged the barriers... HELEN [V.O.]: KEEP IT DOWN! I'm on the phone, and we're *not* getting a swimming-pool and that's *final*! DARIA [writing V.O.]: (Smirks.) This favoured them little, though, as they were no match for the emperor's elite forces. The slaughter that followed would be long remembered... (Pause. Daria appears to think briefly.) ...and celebrated. (Pause. For a brief moment Daria seems pleased, but then her face changes as she once again remembers what she's supposed to be writing. She gets a depressed look, tears out the page and sighs.) ---END ACT 1: ---BEGIN ACT 2: (We see Daria walking to school next morning (alone). Suddenly she hears something from behind the bushes next to her.) JANE [V.O.]: Daria? Is that you? (Daria stops, works her way through the bushes and comes into a miniature glade. Jane is kneeling a few yards away looking for something.) JANE: I lost a paper I need for school. Have you seen it? (Daria notices a paper right next to a fallen tree.) DARIA: Is this it? (She bends over to pick it up, but as she touches the paper a camouflaged fox trap springs, and her hand is caught. She yelps in pain, and suddenly everything around her is dark as in the middle of the night. A shadow moves toward her.) DARIA: (Voice trembling with fear.) Jane? (The shadow comes close enough so that she sees it's Ms. Li.) MS. LI: (Chuckles evilly.) Not quite. (Turns to someone behind her.) Hold her! (Mr. O'Neill steps out of the shadows from behind Daria, grabs her free arm, pulls her down and holds her to the ground.) DARIA: (Panic-stricken.) No! Stop! What are you doing? (Ms. Li produces a knife and kneels beside Daria.) MS. LI: (Creepy voice.) Don't worry, all we want is your heart - while still beating. (Bends closer. Unzips Daria's jacket. Brings the knife toward her chest.) DARIA: (Struggles in absolute horror - in vain.) No, no! Please, don't! CUT TO: INT.: DARIA'S ROOM. MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT. (Daria is sleeping in her bed wearing the same horrified expression as previously.) DARIA: (In her sleep. Desperate voice.) No! *Please* don't do this! PLEASE! (Wakes up with a scream. She realises it was a dream, then takes several deep breaths to calm down.) FADE TO: (A place we haven't seen before, but it bears great resemblance to the Grand Canyon. There is a narrow trail right next to the edge of the ravine and in between a handrail to prevent people from falling. The English class appears to be on a field trip. Jane is walking slightly behind the others, and Daria is even further behind.) JANE: (Turns to Daria.) This scenery is really quite inspiring... Too bad I didn't bring my supplies. DARIA: (Deadpan.) Yeah. It's almost as good as the pictures in the tourist brochures. (Pause. Swats a mosquito.) And it has added "wilderness-value". (Jane smirks and quietly shakes her head. At that moment she happens to notice that the lace on one of her boots has opened up. She bends over to tie it... and Daria who was looking in another direction stumbles over her, falls toward the handrail and grabs it. The rail however is old and rusty - it gives in and Daria falls into the ravine with a scream. Jane leaps up, but there is nothing she can do but helplessly look down the ravine (it's deep BTW). As she looks down she hears laughter next to her. She turns and notices that the other students are standing there pointing down the ravine and laughing their hearts out. The laughter is hard, scorning and it echoes deeply through the ravine.) JANE: (Shocked.) Come on, don't just stand there! We've got to help her! (The laughter increases in magnitude. She turns in the other direction and sees Mr. O'Neill and Miss Li seated at a picnic table.) JANE: HEY! DARIA FELL INTO THE RAVINE! DIDN'T YOU SEE THAT?! (Mr. O'Neill and Ms. Li hold up two signs (the kind that judges use to display scores with) reading 9,5 and 9,0. Then they return their picnic.) CUT TO: INT.: JANE'S ROOM. MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT. (Jane is sleeping in her bed, but suddenly opens her eyes wide - then relaxes as she realises it was a dream.) CUT TO: EXT.: LAWNDALE HIGH. NEXT MORNING. (Schoolbell rings.) CUT TO: INT.: LAWNDALE HIGH. MS. BARCH' CLASS. (Daria looks mentally absent. Jane glances at Daria and looks worried about what she sees.) MS. BARCH: ...so just because men have larger brains, don't be fooled for one second to think that they're any *smarter*... JANE: (To Daria.) Yeah, and should we ever get any doubts, we just ask our star quarterback which way left is. (There is no response from Daria - she's in a world of her own. Jane looks even more worried.) MS. BARCH: They need all the "extra brainpower" to manage their larger muscle mass, which they in turn need to oppress the weak and defenceless. (Upchuck shoots a spitball at Jane. Jane gets out of her seat, and heads over to Upchuck.) (Cut to view of Ms. Barch only.) MS. BARCH: Just where are *you* goi--- (A smack is heard and Ms. Barch' face lights up.) Very good Jane. (pause) Do that again. UPCHUCK [V.O.]: (Lisping.) *Feitty*! CUT TO: INT.: SCHOOL CAFETERIA. (Daria and Jane are at their usual table. Jane looks like she'd like to make conversation, but Daria is mostly staring at her almost untouched food.) JANE: I've wanted to do that to him a long time, it's--- (Notices Daria's lack of interest. Gets visibly worried.) Okay, Daria. Talk to me. DARIA: (Looks up. Seems sorry that she didn't pay more attention.) Uh... Sorry. About what? JANE: (Hint of sarcasm.) Well, lets see. I would *love* to hear you give a lecture about the civil war, or something equally boring. (pause) Or then you could just talk about this essay that appears to be slowly killing you. DARIA: It's slowly killing me. (pause) And that's about all there is to it. Unless I decide to speed up the process, of course... JANE: And there is nothing that would make you feel better I suppose? DARIA: (Dryly.) Let's see... (Counts on her fingers.) The end of the world. (pause) A deadly plague sweeping through Lawndale. (pause) Miss Li's sudden and unexpected death. (pause) My own sudden and unexpected death. (pause) Pretty much anything else that would mean that I don't have to do this. JANE: (Sighs.) That's what I thought... (pause) Listen Daria... I... just want to tell you I'm sorry. DARIA: (Surprised.) Huh? What for? JANE: For starting this whole mess. (pause) After all if I hadn't dropped that stupid paper, none of this--- DARIA: (Cuts her off.) Come on! Don't tell me you're blaming yourself for this. JANE: (Uncertain.) We-e-ell... DARIA: Okay. Let me explain this. (pause) It... was... not... your... fault... And I'll have no more of this discussion. JANE: But... DARIA: (Gets up.) Come on. We'll be late for class. CUT TO: INT.: MR. O'NEILL'S CLASS (Daria is looking just as miserable as before. Jane is looking just as worried.) MR. O'NEILL: So... Can anyone tell me *what* a character like Huckleberry Finn might represent? (pause) Kevin? KEVIN: Ha-ha! That's *easy* dude! (pause) That he's *Finnish* of course. MR. O'NEILL: (Sighs.) Daria? DARIA: (Bitter sarcasm.) I'm sorry, but I don't know the answer to that one. (pause) Ever since I got rid of my hidden notes I haven't been able to answer a single question. I have also lost my abilities to think and perform logical deduction, and I'm currently trying to figure out whether wood is edible or not. (Mr. O'Neill looks shocked.) KEVIN: (Scratching his head like he's thinking hard.) I don't *think* it is... (Pause. Gets his goofy grin.) But who cares anyway. Anyone who's ever chewed matches knows it tastes like crap. You really think too much about stuff Daria. (Schoolbell rings.) CUT TO: INT.: LAWNDALE HIGH. THE HALLWAY. (Daria and Jane are walking down the hallway.) JANE: Well, I hope *that* blew off some steam for you. DARIA: (Deadpan.) Are you by any chance referring to the utterly pointless gesture of whacking our teacher in the head with an uncomfortable truth, thus destabilising his already fragile mental state, that I just made in there? The same gesture that I expect will accomplish absolutely nothing in bringing me even an inch closer to getting out of this mess? JANE: (Taken aback.) Umm... Never mind. (pause) Any chance I can buy you a slice *today*? DARIA: Sorry. I've got a date. (Pause. Jane cocks an eyebrow.) A date with my writer's block. (Holds up blank notepad.) I've got an *essay* to write, I only have two days left and my motivation is soaring. JANE: (Disappointed.) I see... (pause) Well, I'll see you tomorrow then. I... umm... left my sketchpad in class. I better go get it. (Heads in the opposite direction.) (Daria briefly looks after her with a: "What was that about? Did I do something wrong?"-look, then sighs, shrugs and keeps walking.) CUT TO: INT.: MR. O'NEILL'S CLASS. (Mr. O'Neill is the only one there - he looks depressed. Jane enters.) MR. O'NEILL: (Trying to sound upbeat, but failing.) Hi-i-i Jane. (pause) Is there something I can do for you? JANE: As a matter of fact there is. (pause) I want you to fail my test. MR. O'NEILL: (Can't believe his ears.) You want me to do *what*? JANE: (Straightforward.) Give me an F on the test. MR. O'NEILL: But why? JANE: You started this entire hullabaloo around Daria because you saw her with one of *my* test papers in her hand, right? MR. O'NEILL: Yes, but--- JANE: Then how do you know that *she* didn't in fact help *me*, and that *I'm* not the *real* cheater? MR. O'NEILL: (Again surprised.) But you didn't do that... (pause) Did you? JANE: Nope, but Daria didn't cheat off my test either. MR. O'NEILL: But there is no way for me to *know* that... JANE: ...just as there is no way for you to know that *I* didn't cheat. MR. O'NEILL: (Cornered by Jane's argumentation.) Err... Umm... JANE: And while you're at it you might want to fail the rest of the class as well. MR. O'NEILL: (Shocked.) What do you mean? JANE: You left *me* to watch over the rest of the class remember? Well, about five seconds after you had left, everyone charged over to *Daria's* desk and copied her answers. (pause) I just thought you should know. MR. O'NEILL: (Still shocked.) Everyone? JANE: Well, maybe not everyone, but even those who didn't consciously cheat couldn't help but hear the *quite open* discussions that were going on. MR. O'NEILL: Uh... But why didn't you speak up sooner. JANE: (Dryly.) Has it ever occurred to you that many teenagers have a phobia concerning being lynched by an angry mob that calls itself "classmates"? (Mr. O'Neill gasps in horror.) CUT TO: EXT.: MORGENDORFFER RESIDENCE. (MUSIC: "The worm"; by Bride) CUT TO: INT.: MORGENDORFFER RESIDENCE. DARIA'S ROOM. (Daria is sitting on the floor leaning against the bed looking utterly miserable. Her wastebasket is full of crumpled up papers.) DARIA: [writing V.O.]: Ever since the concept of school was invented it has always served a very important role in forming the society we live in... (pause) After all - how else would people learn herd-like behaviour since childhood and that your worth as a human being is based on your ability to conform. (She stops, sighs and erases the last sentence.) DARIA: (Closes her eyes.) Must... not... be... sarcastic... (pause) Must... not... (There is a knock on the door. Daria looks up.) HELEN [V.O.]: Daria? (Daria squeezes her eyes shut in a "Not this. Not now."-manner.) HELEN [V.O.]: Daria? Are you in there? (Daria quickly rolls in under the bed just before the door opens and Helen enters.) HELEN: Daria, I'm worried about--- (Sees that Daria is not there.) DARIA [thought V.O.]: Goawaygoawaygoawaygoaway! HELEN: (To herself.) Darn. I could have *sworn* I saw her go up here... (Leaves.) (Daria crawls out from underneath the bed covered in dust.) DARIA: I really *should* clean my room... (pause) Yeah. Right after hell freezes over, and life turns beautiful. CUT TO: INT.: JANE'S ROOM. (Jane is working on something with ferocity, but we don't see what it is. She looks more pissed off than depressed.) (A crash and some guitar abuse is heard offscreen. Jane startles.) JANE: (Shouting downstairs.) DAMMIT TRENT! I thought we agreed that you'd give me a fair warning before practising any death metal! (Footsteps are heard, then Trent appears in the doorway holding his guitar. Two strings are broken on it.) TRENT: Sorry. (pause) I wasn't practising. I tripped and fell in the stairs. JANE: You have to lift your feet when you walk the stairs. (pause) We've had this conversation before, remember? TRENT: Umm... Yeah. (Pause. Changes the subject.) Things aren't any better at school I presume... JANE: How'd you know? TRENT: (Points.) The sculpture kinda' tipped me off. (Now we see the sculpture Jane has been working on. It's a clay sculpture of a head with a face grimacing as if in great pain. It has at one time been a whole head, but Jane has made a large hole in the back of it, and carved out most of the filling through it with a large steak knife she's holding.) JANE: (Sighs.) I've done all I can - but apparently it's not good enough. (Puts down the knife and sits down on her bed.) TRENT: (Sits down beside her.) But if you've done everything you can, then there is no point in worrying, is there? You just have to wait this thing out. JANE: I know. (pause) It's just so... frustrating. TRENT: And you can always consider the fact that there are people out there who have it much worse than you. JANE: (Frowns.) Yeah. (pause) Like Daria. TRENT: (Realises this was a mistake.) Umm... I meant... (pause) I mean... (Seems to think.) [thought V.O.]: What *do* you mean, Trent? (pause) You don't have a clue, do you? (Awkward smile.) [out loud]: It's a good thing you've got your art to take your mind off things. JANE: (Mumbles.) Yeah. (Pause. Gets hopeful.) On the other hand it would be even *better* to be *unconscious* in order to get my mind off things... (Trent rolls his eyes.) CUT TO: EXT.: CHEZ PIERRE. EVENING. (We hear some soft violin music playing.) CUT TO: INT.: CHEZ PIERRE. (Music grows stronger. We see Mr. O'Neill and Ms. Barch at a table. Mr. O'Neill doesn't look happy.) MS. BARCH: ...and you should have seen his face when I poured the ice water down his pants. (pause) Serves the sexist pig right. MR. O'NEILL: (Politely tries to be interested in the story, but it's obvious his mind is elsewhere.) Yes, of course... MS. BARCH: Is something wrong, skinny? You've been moping all day. MR. O'NEILL: (Evasive.) Oh, not at all... (Pause. Gets a more dejected look.) Well, actually - yes. (pause) Janet? Have you ever *really* tried to do the right thing but failed miserably? MS. BARCH: Well, I once tried to teach Kevin to jump off the roof... MR. O'NEILL: I *wanted* to be fair to *everyone*. I *wanted* to be just. (Starts whimpering.) I didn't think about how it must have felt for Daria. (pause) She never shows any emotion, but I think that deep down she's really very sensitive. (Sobs a couple of times.) And now I've gotten her into this mess, because... (pause) ...she *picked up a lousy piece of paper*. (Starts bawling.) MS. BARCH: (Pats him on the shoulder.) It's okay... MR. O'NEILL: (Pulls himself together, but his voice is still trembling.) I have to face it. I may have scarred her for life, and it's too late to make up for it. MS. BARCH: Are you sure it's too late? MR. O'NEILL: It's already out of my hands. Miss Li never let me explain what really happened - just stated the terms and set the deadline to Thursday. MS. BARCH: Well, it sounds to me like you have until Thursday to set this right. (Mr. O'Neill looks puzzled.) MS. BARCH: It's not too late, until it's too late. (pause) Have you looked into this? Found *out* whether there is anything you can do? MR. O'NEILL: (Somewhat embarrassed.) Umm... Well... MS. BARCH: Then what are you waiting for? Don't just sit there and cry! Get up, and act like a man while there is still time! MR. O'NEILL: (Realises she has a point. Gets up in a sudden burst of action.) You're absolutely right! (pause) If I don't set this right it will haunt me for the rest of my life. (Rapidly walks off.) [V.O.]: CHECK PLEASE! (Ms. Barch looks in the direction he headed off.) MS. BARCH: (To herself.) I can't believe he did that. (Pause. Looks straight ahead.) I can't believe I *said* that. CUT TO: INT.: MORGENDORFFER RESIDENCE. THE KITCHEN. LATER THE SAME EVENING. (Jake, Helen & Quinn are seated around the table. Helen is going through some paperwork, Jake is drinking coffee and Quinn is pouting. (Apparently it has something to do with the swimming pool.)) QUINN: (Whining.) I can't believe you don't care about me more than this. It's--- (Phone rings. Quinn quickly snatches it.) QUINN: (Hopeful. Dreamy voice.) John? CUT TO: MR. O'NEILL'S APARTMENT. (Mr. O'Neill is on the phone. (duh)) MR. O'NEILL: (Confused.) Uh... No. It's just Timothy, I'm afraid. (pause) Timothy O'Neill - English teacher of Lawn--- QUINN [V.O.]: *Ewww*! MR. O'NEILL: (Even more confused.) This *is* at the Morgendorffers isn't it? QUINN [V.O.]: (Wants to get rid of him.) Of course it is, but you don't need to call me. I *know* the assignment is due Friday, and I *was* going to do it. Besides - having a teacher call me could harm my popularity if it ever got public, so I really don't think this is a good idea... MR. O'NEILL: (Completely and totally confused.) Uh... Does a *Daria Morgendorffer* by any chance live there. QUINN [V.O.]: (Embarrassed.) Uh, yes unfortunately. My parents haven't found anyone willing to adopt her yet. MR. O'NEILL: (Gives up all hopes of ever understanding anything.) Then... (pause) Uh... Could I speak to her please? CUT TO: INT.: MORGENDORFFER RESIDENCE. THE KITCHEN. QUINN: (Rolls her eyes. Talks into phone.) Of *course* you can. (Yells upstairs.) DAARIAAA! PHONE! HELEN: (Looks up from her papers.) I don't think that--- DARIA [V.O.]: I'll take it here! HELEN: (Continues. Puzzled.) ...she's ...home ...at all? CUT TO: (Split screen Daria/Mr. O'Neill) DARIA: Hello? MR. O'NEILL: (Relieved that he's finally got the right person.) Hi Daria. It's Timothy O'Neill here - I'm calling about the essay. DARIA: (Frowns. Cold voice.) You can tell Miss Li that I'll have the stupid thing done by Thursday. MR. O'NEILL: No, that's not the reason I called at all. I called to tell you that you don't have to do the essay if you don't want to. DARIA: (Surprised.) Excuse me? MR. O'NEILL: (Firm voice.) What Miss Li did was not only wrong, but it was also against the regulations of the school. (pause) I just checked. She could never do what she threatened to do without the consent of the teacher involved. (pause) And I do not concede. DARIA: (Dubious.) So... I'm off the hook? MR. O'NEILL: (In an outburst of joy.) YES! DARIA: Does this mean you're convinced that I didn't cheat. MR. O'NEILL: Yes! (Breaks down and starts sobbing.) Oh Daria, I'm sorry for dragging you into this. DARIA: (Rolls her eyes. In her "There, there"-voice.) That's alright. (pause) You thought you did the right thing. MR. O'NEILL: Does that mean you forgive me? DARIA: (Sighs.) Yes. MR. O'NEILL: (Overwhelmed with joy.) Oh, thank you! (Pause. Gets serious.) Now I'll just have to break this to Miss Li. I doubt she'll be pleased. DARIA: Hmm... How about you don't break it to her at all? I can still do the essay. MR. O'NEILL: (Surprised.) *Do* the essay? I thought you *didn't* want to do it? DARIA: Yes... (pause) But after this conversation I... um... feel a lot better about it. MR. O'NEILL: (Thinks he gets it.) Oh! Creativity only thrives in *freedom*. I get it! DARIA: (Smirks.) I guess you could put it that way... MR. O'NEILL: Thank you *so*, much Daria. You have no idea what this means to me. DARIA: (Deadpan.) You don't have to thank me. MR. O'NEILL: (Impressed.) And you're modest as ever, too. (pause) Oh, well. I guess I'll just see you in class then. DARIA: Okay. Bye. (Both hang up. View remains with Daria.) DARIA: (Slowly breaks into a wicked smirk.) Oh, yes. I feel a lot better about this indeed. (Grabs her notepad and pencil and starts writing.) DISSOLVE TO: (Daria & Jane walking to school next morning. (It's Wednesday now in case you've lost track.) Daria looks very tired. Jane looks like she doesn't quite know how to interpret Daria's mood.) JANE: (Carefully.) Dare I ask how it's going...? (Daria is tired and mumbles something incoherent.) JANE: (This is hopeless.) Sorry for bringing it up. DARIA: (Notices Jane's reaction.) No, that wasn't it. I'm tired, that's all. In fact Mister O'Neill called yesterday and told me I didn't have to do the essay, so things are going pretty well. JANE: (Lights up.) You're kidding! That's great! (pause) Are you sure he wasn't delirious from his medication? I heard a rumour that he takes anti-depressive drugs "just in case"... DARIA: (Tired smile.) I don't think there is much to that rumour - he prefers homeopathy. JANE: Well, *that* doesn't actually have any reassuring effect on me. (pause) So, how did Miss Li take it? DARIA: She hasn't taken anything yet. (Smirks.) But she will. JANE: Why do I get the feeling you know something I don't? DARIA: I'll tell you all about it after school. What do you say about pizza? My treat. CUT TO: EXT.: PIZZA KING. AFTERNOON. JANE [V.O.]: You... have... got... to... be... kidding! CUT TO: INT.: PIZZA KING. (Daria and Jane are seated at their usual places, (and I bet you can't guess what they're eating.)) DARIA: Absolutely not. JANE: (Slowly shakes her head.) I always suspected you were insane. Now I know for sure. DARIA: Everyone can't be as normal as you. Here. (Hands Jane her notebook.) You can look at it while I go to the bathroom. (Gets up and leaves.) (Jane starts reading from the notebook. As she does her eyes grow larger and larger...) DISSOLVE TO: INT.: MORGENDORFFER RESIDENCE. DARIA'S ROOM. (Jane is lying on the bed still reading Daria's notepad. She's smiling. Daria is sitting on the floor next to the bed.) JANE: (Puts away the notepad, (apparently finished).) You're good. (pause) But you already know that, don't you? DARIA: Thank you. (pause) Do you think Miss Li will agree? JANE: (Gets serious.) You know, that's the problem... Don't you think you're pushing your luck a bit too far here? DARIA: Well, *someone* has got to cut her down to size. (Frowns.) I'm not going to just sit back and wait until she gets the *next* opportunity to screw me. JANE: I can understand that... (pause) ...but I still don't think it's the best of ideas. You *are* picking a fight after all, and the only thing you have to back you up is Mister O'Neill's word. DARIA: (Knows she has a point.) Well, what would *you* do in my position? JANE: (Cunning smirk.) I might have a *friend* of mine pull the whole thing off instead - to take a portion of the heat for me. DARIA: (Surprised.) But... I couldn't do that. JANE: Come on. I *want* to do this. (pause) I still feel kinda' guilty for this, you know... DARIA: Oh, nonsense--- JANE: (Gets melodramatic.) Besides - I feel it's my *duty* to protect the innocent by throwing myself upon the grenade like the seasoned general would. DARIA: (Deadpan.) Actually I think the general *became* seasoned by using fresh recruits for that job. JANE: Oh, come on! I want to help you out here. DARIA: (Thinks about this. It would seem that she'd like to do it herself, but realises that Jane has a point.) Mmmmm.... (Sighs.) Okay. ---END ACT 2. ---BEGIN ACT 3. EXT.: LAWNDALE HIGH. NEXT (=THURSDAY) MORNING. (Schoolbell rings.) CUT TO: INT.: LAWNDALE HIGH. THE HALLWAY. (Two people we haven't seen before (obviously the people Ms. Li was expecting) are walking down the hallway. Both are wearing formal suits. The other is a man in his late fifties - he's starting to go bald, and the hair he has is mostly grey. He's wearing glasses. The other is a woman in her mid forties - she has long blond hair, and otherwise looks pretty casual.) WOMAN: (Chirpy voice.) What a coincidence that they happened to have a "talent demonstration"-day today. I thought we would spend the entire day having boring chats with teachers, and so on. MAN: (Obviously doesn't consider his colleague to be the brightest bulb in the Christmas tree.) Oh, yes. What a coincidence. (pause) And that football player who ran straight into the cheerleaders' pyramid - that took talent indeed. WOMAN: Oh Mister Grant, you really should quit being so negative. That was an accident. He didn't see where he was going. MR. GRANT: (Sarcastic.) How could he? He wasn't looking in the *direction* he was going. WOMAN: (Misses the sarcasm.) Exactly. MR. GRANT: (Checks his watch.) Um... Miss Foster? MS. FOSTER: Yes? MR. GRANT: (Unenthusiastic.) Did you by any chance catch what the next event was? MS. FOSTER: (Checks her calendar.) Essay recitation in the auditorium. MR. GRANT: (Rolls his eyes.) Sounds intriguing... CUT TO: INT.: THE AUDITORIUM. (The auditorium is full of people. Mr. Grant and Ms. Foster are seated on the first row between Ms. Li and Mr. DeMartino. Mr. O'Neill is standing at the podium.) MR. O'NEILL: ...and next Miss Daria Morgendorffer is going to read an essay (Checks his notes.) about *honoured school traditions*. (pause) Lets all give a big hand to Daria. (Some scattered applause is heard - about half of it from Ms. Li. Jane walks up on stage much to the surprise of Mr. O'Neill and Ms. Li.) MR. O'NEILL: (Whispering.) Excuse me, but where is Daria? JANE: (Hushed voice.) Last minute stage fright - it's okay, I'll take it. MR. O'NEILL: Oh, of course. (Leaves stage. Takes place beside Ms. Li and whispers something to her, after which she seems reassured.) JANE: (Places her notes on the podium and starts the presentation.) Good day, Ladies and Gentlemen. It is a *great* pleasure for me to bring you this presentation on school traditions. (pause) While I through this presentation naturally can't expect to introduce you to anything *new* - that would of course contradict the entire concept of *tradition* - I hope that I may shed some light on the historical background of many occurrences and events that we take for granted. (At this point everyone in the auditorium looks bored except for Ms. Li, Ms. Foster and Mr. O'Neill.) JANE: Not only are many traditions unknown to us - in the sense that we don't recognise them as traditions, but we also don't know just how ancient and honoured these traditions are. (pause) In order to best focus on this topic I have chosen to take a closer look at the great Roman empire, and perhaps see whether any parallels can be drawn... DISSOLVE TO: THE STREETS OF ROME. SOMETIME DURING THE LATTER HALF OF THE FIRST CENTURY. [Author's note: For this substory I intend to use characters from the show. (It's easy to understand why the stories Daria did in WWIH all used "real life" characters - it's practically impossible to bring life into a completely new set of characters in five minutes.) It is however *not* my intention that any character in this story (that Jane is telling) should automatically be associated with the corresponding "real life" character the way it was in WWIH. Remember - I'm still trying to write a comedy here...] (A great crowd is gathered to watch a triumphal procession, and there appears to be much rejoicing...) ZOOM TO: (A procession of POW:s dressed in filthy rags. They're tied to each other's necks forming a long "train" of people.) ZOOM TO: (Two POW:s in particular: Daria & Jane. Daria is not wearing glasses and the way she squints indicates she doesn't see very well.) DARIA: (To Jane.) Remind me again what we're celebrating. JANE: The deaths of our families, the fact that we're more than a thousand miles from home, and the fact that we're going to spend the rest of our miserable lives taking orders and doing chores that no one in his right mind would do voluntarily. DARIA: (Dryly.) Oh, yeah. (pause) I still wonder why they killed *my* family? They were just a bunch of farmers, and not a threat to anyone... JANE: Probably to insure there would be no resistance in the future. (pause) And then there is always the fact that they need to count five-thousand enemy casualties in order to throw a party like this... DARIA: (Sahara-dry.) Of course. DISSOLVE TO: INT.: LAWNDALE HIGH. THE AUDITORIUM. PRESENT DAY. JANE: (Rivets her eyes on Ms. Li.) And even today the proud tradition of displaying power at the expense of others comfortably lives on in our schools. (Ms. Li's jaw drops, and she gasps for air as if struck with a large blunt object. Mr. O'Neill looks shocked, and Mr. Grant looks intrigued for the first time. Ms. Foster looks uncomfortable.) DISSOLVE TO: ANCIENT ROME. A MARKETPLACE. SOME TIME LATER. (A few shacks appear to be temporarily put in place.) CUT TO: INT.: ONE OF THE SHACKS. (The female slaves (including Daria & Jane) are being kept here. The slave merchant (=DeMartino) and one of his apprentices (=Upchuck) enters carrying a bunch of clothes. They both toss them in a pile on the floor.) MR. DEMARTINO: THERE! I suggest you CHANGE before the fair begins. (He and Upchuck exits. (Upchuck looks like he'd like to stay a while longer, but DeMartino shoves him out of the shack.) The girls gratefully pick up the clothes as the ones they are currently wearing are quite filthy.) CUT TO: (Shot where we only see knee-level and below - Sorry all Upchucks out there ;-) We see clothes dropping and others being put on.) JANE: Well, that was at least a decent gesture... DARIA: Yeah. I've always wanted to have my marketability increased. JANE: (Semi-annoyed.) You ray of sunshine, you. (Footsteps are heard and everyone hurries to get the clothes on.) CUT TO: (Normal view. The girls are dressed as typical female slaves of the time (=tunic, stole and shawl coarsely woven from a dark material, with simple closed shoes.) DeMartino & Upchuck enter pushing a male slave in front of them.) MR. DEMARTINO: One more THING, you need to know before you meet your NEW OWNERS. (pause) The TREATMENT of runaways! (Gestures toward Upchuck.) (Upchuck ties the slave's hands to a 2-foot tall pole at the end of the shack, then produces a nasty looking whip with three thongs equipped with lead weights.) CUT TO: (Shot of Daria & Jane only. We hear some whiplashes and some moaning in the background, and both girls look disturbed by what they see.) (Time lapse effect...) (Both Daria and Jane look like they've more or less gotten used to the sight. The whip is still heard - but there is no moaning.) DARIA: This can't be good. JANE: (Deadpan.) It usually isn't when you can see someone's kidneys. DARIA: For once in my life I'm actually glad I can't see that well... (DeMartino steps into view.) MR. DEMARTINO: (To Upchuck off-screen.) I believe this demonstration will suffice. You can remove the body. UPCHUCK [V.O.]: Yes, sir! MR. DEMARTINO: (To the slaves.) I certainly HOPE you got the MESSAGE! DARIA: The life expectancy of a runaway slave is even lower than the life quality of one who doesn't? MR. DEMARTINO: (Evil chuckle.) A very ironic way of putting it... but ESSENTIALLY correct. (Menacing.) It's an IMPORTANT lesson. Make sure you don't forget it. (Leaves.) JANE: (Sarcastic.) Well, now I'm *really* excited about this. DARIA: (Pseudo-upbeat.) It's always nice to know you have options. UPCHUCK [V.O.]: (Slightly hushed voice as if he didn't want the people inside to hear.) But I thought that this guy was just sick and weak - I never knew he ran away. MR. DEMARTINO: Of COURSE he didn't, but I didn't have anyone who DID... DISSOLVE TO PRESENT: JANE: (Again eyeing Ms. Li.) ...but *then*, just as *now* it was the execution that mattered - not getting the right person. (pause) Furthermore the parallels of this type of behaviour can not be overstated as obedience through intimidation still is one of the corner stones of the modern school system - or as the ancient Romans so eloquently put it: "They may hate us, as long as they fear us." (Miss Li looks like she's about to get up and stop everything, but Mr. Grant puts a hand on her shoulder.) MR. GRANT: (Smiles.) Are you sure you can't stay with us? It would be a shame if you missed this. (pause) It's the best program so far. MS. LI: (Can't interrupt it *now*. Chuckles nervously, and sits down.) Eeh.. Of course... (Mr. Grant turns his focus back on the speaker and smiles a smile that indicates that he at least to a certain level realises what's going on.) DISSOLVE TO: ANCIENT ROME. THE MARKETPLACE. (The auction has started. Mr. DeMartino is standing on a wooden platform with the potential buyers in front, and the "merchandise" behind. One of the slaves (=one of the no-name students) is standing beside him, as is Upchuck.) DEMARTINO: (To the crowd.) Did I hear 130? NO? In that case, SOLD to the fine gentleman over there for 120 denarii! (Gestures.) (Upchuck escorts the girl off the platform into the crowd. DeMartino turns to the ones behind it.) DEMARTINO: YOU! (Points at Daria.) (Daria sighs and gets up.) DEMARTINO: (Whispers.) Smile to the buyers. (Daria frowns.) DEMARTINO: (Threatening.) Because those slaves I can't SELL, I will let my APPRENTICE her take care of. (Gestures toward Upchuck who is just returning with the money.) UPCHUCK: ("Seductive" smile.) Gr-r-r-r. (Daria looks shocked, then quickly forces a smile toward the audience.) DEMARTINO: (To audience.) Bids for this FINE SPECIMEN, anyone? (Silence.) DEMARTINO: Oh, COME ON! She doesn't look THAT bad! VOICE: Ten! (Laughter is heard.) ANOTHER VOICE: She's squinting like she's half-blind! I bet she couldn't even sew a seam straight! DEMARTINO: (Getting frustrated.) OKAY! I'll LOWER the starting bid to FORTY! (No reaction.) DEMARTINO: Well SURELY there must be SOMEone here who's interested... Maybe one of you LADIES out there who desire a SERVANT in the house, and not a CONcubine! (Just when DeMartino is about to give up.) JAKE [V.O.]: Forty! DEMARTINO: (Immediate response.) SOLD! (Jake and Helen push forward to the platform. Helen is smirking in a way that indicates she had more than a little influence in this.) HELEN: (Sweet ingratiating voice.) I *told* you we could find a *bargain* here. (Daria frowns at the word "bargain".) CUT TO: LAWNDALE HIGH. PRESENT DAY. JANE: ...and so the *proud* tradition of letting students know exactly what they're worth continues. (pause) It is *here* in Lawndale High that I have realised that *education* is nothing compared to football, and that my human worth is based on my looks alone. Such a realisation has been highly motivating and worked wonders for my optimistic world view. (Cut to shot of the FC in the audience.) STACY: Wow! That girl is smarter than she lets on. SANDI: Yes. Unfortunately she doesn't practice what she preaches. TIFFANY: Bummer. CUT TO: ANCIENT ROME. A (FOR THAT TIME) ORDINARY LOOKING HOUSE. (Helen & Jake are walking toward it with Daria between them.) DARIA [thought V.O.]: Let's see... My family is dead. I've been stripped of all dignity and sold like cattle. (pause) But at least these people seem decent. After all - who knows what kind of people I could have ended up with. CUT TO: INT.: THE HOUSE. (It's a typical roman house with an atrium (=reception room) and several smaller windowless rooms surrounding it. Helen, Jake & Daria enter through the front. Quinn enters from one of the rooms.) QUINN: Did you find a slave that--- (sees Daria.) Ewwww! DARIA [thought V.O.]: (Deadpan.) I curse the day I was born. JAKE: (Ignores Quinn's comment. Cheery.) Hi, darling. It's been a great day. (pause) Are you ready for the games? QUINN: Sure I am. (Gives Daria a weird look.) Umm... Are you sure you can trust her to be here. (pause) What if she steals my make-up? JAKE: Oh, no. Besides she's coming too - we *all* need to celebrate. QUINN: (Realises things have gone from bad to worse.) We're not taking her *with* us are we?! DARIA: Celebrate? JAKE: The recent victories! The expansion of the Empire! DARIA: (Well hidden sarcasm.) Oh, yes. The reason I'm here. JAKE: Exactly! So, we're all going to see the gladiators! DARIA: (Less than thrilled.) Well since your daughter appears to object to my presence I might very well stay here. Besides, thanks to your numerous legions I just witnessed a bloodbath *before* I got here... JAKE: (Missing the point.) Oh, I assure you, no bloodbath you've seen is going to match the ones of the *Colosseum*. (Daria sighs.) CUT TO: EXT.: THE COLOSSEUM. (Sound a fanfare.) CUT TO: INT.: THE COLOSSEUM. (The "Morgendorffers" are seated in the audience looking excited, except for Daria who is her aloof self. Three gladiators (=the three J's) enter the arena and get into formation just beneath the "Morgendorffers". Joey looks up into the audience and his eyes fall on Quinn who smiles at him. Jeffy and Jamie look to see where Joey is looking and see the same thing.) JEFFY: Excuse me, miss? Are you by any chance available tonight? (pause) Like after the games? JAMIE: Yeah. We'll just slay some lions first. JOEY: (Pushes Jeffy.) Hey, she smiled at *me* first. (Cut to shot of Helen and Quinn. Meanwhile the argument between the gladiators escalates.) HELEN: (To Quinn.) You know, I'm not the least bit fond of you hanging around these people. They're not... (pause) ...*worthy* company. QUINN: Muh-ooom! They're free men, who've volunteered to fight. You're talking about them like they're *slaves* or something. HELEN: It's not *that*, it's just that people like this could--- JEFFY: (The argument is getting out of hand.) THAT'S IT!!! FIGHT, YOU COWARDS! (Draws his sword.) (The others draw their weapons too and they start fighting. The crowd cheers.) CUT TO: ANOTHER, FANCIER PART OF THE COLOSSEUM WHERE THE EMPEROR (=MS. LI) IS SEATED. MS. LI: (To a servant.) What in the name of...? They're not supposed to fight each other, they're supposed to fight lions! SERVANT: (Bows.) True, oh glorious one. I know not what causes the confusion. MS. LI: Well stop them! This is a breach in security! SERVANT: May I be so bold as to advice against that. (pause) The crowd appears to be fond of the spectacle thus far. It might be unwise to interfere, and no one has yet had cause to call the Great Domitian a fool. MS. LI: (Satisfied with the advice.) Oh, what the heck! A slaughter is a slaughter. (Sits back and watches.) (Cut back to the "Morgendorffers". The fight is still going on below them. Quinn looks pleased, Jake looks excited, Helen looks surprised and Daria looks... like Daria.) QUINN: (Very pleased.) Oh, guys... (A scream is heard from below. Quinn looks shocked. Jake & the rest of the crowd cheer. Then another scream is heard.) DARIA: (Deadpan.) Well, that makes it *so* much easier to choose... JEFFY: (The only survivor. To Quinn.) Please, allow me to undisturbed--- QUINN: (Points and shouts.) BEHIND YOU! (Jeffy turns and sees three lions closing in on him. He quickly picks up his sword, but seems quite scared.) JEFFY: (To himself.) Three of them... (Looks at the ground beside him.) ...*one* of me. (pause) I want my mommy! (Cut to the "Morgendorffers" again. Fierce growling is heard. Quinn looks terrified. The crowd cheers.) HELEN: (Stands up and makes a fist pump.) YEAH! Go lions! CUT TO: INT.: AUDITORIUM. PRESENT DAY. JANE: And the funny thing is that people today are just as kind-hearted and absorbed with thriving off other people's misery - something that our school system untiringly encourages through obsessively hounding down imaginary outside threats instead of dealing with the real evils within. (Pauses. Takes a sip of water from a glass on the podium. Then eyes Miss Li and continues.) JANE: And the Romans, just as the people who run our schools had realised that *people* are great assets... (short pause) ...that can be used in whichever way one pleases. In our days it's of course politically incorrect to use people as fertiliser or as raw material for soap manufacture. Even a good flogging as means of persuasion and promotion of understanding would probably also seem offensive, but the innovative people of our enlightened age have discovered that as long as no *physical* harm is done to a person everything is okay, and if you can use a person for your own benefits without anyone noticing you have done no wrong. CUT TO: ANCIENT ROME. INT.: THE "MORGENDORFFER" RESIDENCE. THE NEXT DAY. (A crash is heard from the kitchen. Helen rushes over only to find Daria and a broken amphora.) HELEN: (Pissed off.) What in the name of...! DARIA: (Embarrassed.) Sorry ma'am. I didn't see it. HELEN: This is the *third* thing you've broken *today*! (Realises there is no point in pushing this further. Sighs.) You're hopeless in the kitchen. (pause) Do you think you could clean my husband's office without making the house look like the remains of Pompeii? DARIA: (Still embarrassed.) Yes ma'am. (Quickly exits.) (Helen looks at the mess in the kitchen and shakes her head. Then another crash is heard offscreen. She closes her eyes in a "Not *again*"-manner.) (Time lapse effect...) (Jake enters the house, and Helen immediately meets him in the doorway.) HELEN: (Apologetic.) Don't get upset honey, but... our new servant *accidentally* knocked over the shelf with the documents while cleaning. JAKE: (Very upset.) WHAT!? HELEN: (Trying to calm him down.) *But* there was no damage to it, and she's put all the documents back in place. JAKE: (Still mad. Grabs a cane and heads toward Daria with the obvious intention of beating her up.) How could she do that!? They're all in alphabetical order! I'll have to go through *everything* myself. DARIA: (Cringes and closes her eyes as she expects the first blow.) But I *did* put them in alphabetical order. JAKE: (Stopping short.) How could you do that? You can't read! You can barely see! DARIA: (Carefully opens one eye. Voice indicates she's still scared.) Actually I *can* read. JAKE: (Lowers the cane. Grabs a book from the shelf and hands it to Daria.) What's the title of this one? DARIA: (Holding the book *very* close to her face. Reading slowly.) De... ag...ri... c-v-l-t-v-r-a. (Pause. Looks up.) De agri cultura. Apparently a work about farming. JAKE: (Lights up.) Excellent! (Turns to Helen.) Now I won't have to do all those boring contracts and transcripts myself any more. (Pauses. Realises something.) If you could manage without her, of course... HELEN: (Relieved sigh.) Yes. In fact I think we'll all be better off this way. CUT TO: INT.: THE AUDITORIUM. PRESENT DAY. JANE: Then, just as now a basic education could mean the difference between doing a dirty, boring job on a slave's wages and doing a boring job on a slave's wages... (Mr. Grant chuckels, Ms. Li looks like she'd like to be swallowed by the earth.) CUT TO: ANCIENT ROME. JUST WHERE WE LEFT OFF. JAKE: Soo...? What's for dinner? HELEN: Fried eggplant and potatoes. But we still need... (Turns to Daria.) Do you think you could fetch some water *without* breaking the vessel? DARIA: Yes ma'am. (Takes an amphora, and leaves.) HELEN: (After her. Slightly worried.) And without falling into the well? CUT TO: ANCIENT ROME. A WELL NEARBY. (There are a lot of people gathered around it. Most notably we see Kevin who has a lot of admirers around him. He's carrying a horsewhip.) GUY #1: That was *awesome*. Where did you learn to drive like that. KEVIN: (Goofy grin.) Well, you know driving a chariot isn't really any harder than... um... driving something else. You just have to be good at it... (pause) and you know, train hard and stuff, and not waste time on anything unimportant. GUY #2: Awww. That sucks. My parents make me go to school. KEVIN: (Tries to sound "deep". Fails miserably.) That's *exactly* the kind of thing that could ruin your career forever, man. CUT TO: INT.: THE AUDITORIUM. PRESENT DAY. JANE: To our great surprise we might find that teaching and education is given the very same priority in the schools of today as it was given in the Roman empire. (pause) A quote from the Juvenal Satires may illustrate this: "What grammaticus ever receives the salary which his hard work deserves? Resign yourself as long as you get some money for sitting in a classroom in the middle of the night when no labourer or woolworker would be on the job! (classes started VERY early) As long as you get some money for enduring the stink of oil lamps (olive oil) and yet rarely do you get your money without a court case. But still the parents set impossible standards for you. You must know the rules of grammar perfectly, memorise history books and then the parents say, 'Do your job well, and when the end of the year comes, we'll pay you for the twelve month period the same amount that a chariot driver earns in one race.'" MR. DEMARTINO: (Turns to Miss Foster.) This is the first time during my entire career that I'm truly willing to say that I'm PROUD that one of MY students wrote an essay. MS. FOSTER: (Nervous laughter.) Of course. CUT TO: ANCIENT ROME. THE WELL. (Daria is filling her amphora. A shadow of someone walking up behind her is seen.) JANE: (Pleasantly surprised.) Is that you!? I thought I'd never see you again! DARIA: (Turns. Also happy, but not showing it as openly.) Hey! What happened to you? JANE: Was sold to a rich patrician who spends most of his time travelling. He needed someone to take care of his garden for him... DARIA: So you're a gardener? JANE: (Smirks.) *Part-time* gardener. I get a lot of free time. DARIA: (A bit jealous.) Wow. Lucky break. (pause) I on the other hand am stuck with a weird family who wants me to write transcripts for the work of the master of the house. JANE: Could be worse. DARIA: (Dryly.) That's where their daughter comes in... JANE: (Smirks.) Well *if* you get any time off, why don't you drop by? It's nearby. DARIA: Mmm... Okay. DISSOLVE TO: SOME TIME LATER. A FANCIER HOUSE THAN THE ONE DARIA LIVES IN. (Jane has dragged a large block of marble into one of the rooms, and she's been working on it. It's an almost finished marble version statue of the famous Romulus & Remus statue feeding off the mother wolf - only in this version the wolf has been replaced with a fat naked woman. Daria is observing the piece of art.) JANE: (Sly smirk.) ...so I said to myself: Why not do a more *realistic* version of the "lupa"[*] of Rome? [*]: Lupa is Latin for "female wolf", but just as the English word "bitch", it has a double meaning. :-) DARIA: (Impressed.) Mmmm... JANE: (More dejected.) My master *did* like it. He appears to have a sense of humour, unfortunately he said I would have to stow it someplace where it can't be seen. (pause) He said it could get us both into trouble. DARIA: Guess it was just a little too futuristic... JANE: Yeah... (longer pause) So... What do you think of all of this? DARIA: All of what? JANE: This whole situation we're in. I know we're both capable. (pause) We're also both slaves with no rights whatsoever, completely dependant on the goodwill of our masters in a brutish culture that worships power and great spectacles. (pause) You think things will ever turn for the better? DARIA: (Pondering.) "Better" is very much a term of definition... but generally, no. (pause) I believe that each age will be blind to its own darkness, and where brutality walks out treachery will walk in. Where the thieves exit the liars will enter. Where a tyrant dies, another will take his place, and wherever these "changes" take place people will say that they have moved forward and have now advanced beyond their ancestors. The human soul is too twisted and too incorrigible for this not to happen. (pause) The bottom line is - we live in a lousy world that we made lousy ourselves, and all people deserve to die. JANE: (Smirks.) But look at the bright side: (pause) All people do. DARIA: (Smirks back.) Hey, I guess life *is* fair after all. (pause) JANE: (Smirk widens.) Personally I think that this empire is going to crumble, that weird cult that hides out in the catacombs is going to take over, build a *huge* temple in the middle of the city and fill it with fabulous art. (Daria shakes her head in a "You're nutty but I like you anyway"- fashion and smiles.) CUT TO: THE AUDITORIUM. PRESENT DAY. JANE: The important part here is the structure of the Roman society as a whole. I've tried to bring up the strictly divided class system with slaves, plebs and patricians. If we look close enough we can see what an important role this has played in the forming of the social standards for our schools. (pause) In the schools of today it is acceptable, yes even recommendable to let a few bullies set the social standards and divide the student body into groups of "The accepted" and "The not". The ancient Romans would be proud of us: "Divide and conquer" is naturally the easiest way to run a school as well as an empire. (pause) After all what would become of our schools if there were no longer any outcasts that could be sent to "self-esteem class" for reprogramm--- Pardon. To *be given an opportunity* to realise that *conforming* to the wisely crafted standards of our schools would benefit *all* parties involved. (pause) The "normals" of the school would no longer have to tolerate free thinkers... (pause) ...or any thinkers at all and the outcasts would no longer have to have their books dumped in the toilet or get beat up after gym class. (Faux enthusiasm.) Everybody would win! (Pause. Solemn voice.) And after this the school would also have completed its final duty toward the Roman traditions - to teach the students, just as the Roman soldiers were taught, that there *are indeed* things worse than dying. (pause) Thank you. (Jane gets down. Some people applaud but mostly there is just confusion. Ms. Li looks like she'd be happy to just drop dead. Mr. Grant looks like he's had the time of his life. Ms. Foster looks very bothered. Mr. DeMartino looks amused Mr. O'Neill looks nervous, but steps up in the podium anyway.) MR. O'NEILL: Thank, you. That was truly... thought provoking. (Pauses. People already start leaving.) I would ask the people from my English class that had a test this Monday to stay just a little while longer. (pause) There is something we need to talk about. (Show the audience only - then fade to a few minutes later when only people from Daria's English class are scattered throughout the auditorium.) MR. O'NEILL: (As firm as he can get.) I must say I'm very disappointed in you. (pause) To think that almost every single one of you have cheated. CUT TO: (Mr. O'Neill's POV) (Show a couple of people frowning and looking at something - then pan in that direction to show a very downhearted Jane who knows she's being watched, but doesn't want to turn around to check.) JANE [V.O. from Mr. O'Neill's memory]: ...lynched by an angry mob... CUT TO: (Normal view.) MR. O'NEILL: (Even stricter than before. To Jane.) I'm especially disappointed in *you*. (Pause. Jane looks up surprised.) I placed you in a position of responsibility. (Turns to the others.) Didn't you think that I was going to notice, when *everyone* suddenly received record-high results? Please don't insult my intelligence. (pause) Since I can't know with complete accuracy which people cheated the results from it will be declared void, and you will all have to take a new test on the same subject this Monday. (pause) That's all. (Show Daria cocking a questioning eyebrow toward Jane, and Jane replying with a look that basically says "Later".) CUT TO: INT.: THE HALLWAY. (Daria and Jane are walking down it.) JANE: You think we could make it to the front door if we ran? MS. LI: (On the intercom. Sounds furious.) Would Miss Lane and Miss Morgendorffer *immediately* report to the principal's office, please. (Both stop, then start heading back the way they came.) DARIA: If you're given a choice between hanging and beheading, which would it be? JANE: Hanging I think. (pause) That way my body would be intact and Trent could have it stuffed. DARIA: I don't think any taxidermist would agree to that... JANE: Okay, beheading it is. (pause) It's probably quicker. CUT TO: INT.: MS. LI'S OFFICE. (Daria and Jane are seated in front of a fuming Ms. Li.) MS. LI: Just what THE HELL was that about!? JANE: It was a presentation on honoured school traditions just as you requested. MS. LI: And why are *you* in on this, anyway!? (pause) I'm going to have to call both your parents, and I assure you the consequences of this will be very dire indeed! You have brought *disgrace* upon the glorious name of Laaawndale High. DARIA: (Frowns.) *Brought* or *pointed out*? MS. LI: And that attitude of yours--- (There is a knock on the door.) MS. LI: Who is it? I'm *very* busy right now! MR. GRANT [V.O.]: It's just us. I thought we should say goodbye before we left. MS. LI: (Sweet ingratiating voice.) Oh, in that case, please come in. (Mr. Grant & Ms. Foster enter.) MR. GRANT: I must thank you Miss Li. It has been a most extraordinary day. MS. LI: (Surprised.) Uh... It has? I mean, I do my best of course. MR. GRANT: (Turns to Jane. Shakes her hand.) And I must also congratulate you Miss Morgendorffer. That was a very (seems to look for the word) *daring* essay, which presented the most refreshing point of view I have heard on the subject in a long time. JANE: Ehh... (Ogles at Daria. Doesn't feel good about taking the credit for the essay.) Thank you, but actually--- MR. GRANT: (Turns to Daria.) And you are...? (Meanwhile Ms. Foster starts talking with Ms. Li.) MS. FOSTER: (Hushed voice.) It would seem that he enjoyed the essay. (pause) Although I personally can't understand what he saw in it... MR. GRANT: (Heard her anyway. Ogles at her. Talks to Daria & Jane with an even more hushed voice.) No Miss Foster, I guess you wouldn't understand. (pause) You'd need a brain for that... (To Daria. Normal voice.) I believe you were about to present yourself. DARIA: (Shakes his hand.) Umm... Daria Morgendorffer. (Mr. Grant looks surprised.) JANE: (Quickly.) I'm Jane Lane. (pause) She *wrote* the essay, I just read it. MR. GRANT: (Smiles.) Of course. That's why she called out *two* names over the intercom... (Pause. Smile widens.) You two aren't very afraid of going up against authority are you? DARIA: (Not expecting this.) Umm... Well... MR. GRANT: That's okay. I like people like you... (Pause. Smile turns to something of a secret understanding.) Even if people will never change because of it... DARIA: (Smirks.) Just happy to continue the proud tradition of Roman satire. MS. FOSTER: (To Mr. Grant.) Well, I think we'd better be going. We have a long drive ahead of us. MR. GRANT: (Dryly.) A *very* long drive indeed. DARIA: (To Mr. Grant.) Well, if it helps you might like to know that--- (whispers something to him.) (Mr. Grant looks like he's about to burst into laughter, but quickly stifles it.) MR. GRANT: Well, thank you. (Smirks.) I'll keep it in mind. (Mr. Grant and Ms. Foster exit.) MS. LI: (To Daria and Jane.) Don't think you're off the hook yet. I'll have to talk to Mr. O'Neill but I *will* think of an appropriate punishment for you... JANE: (Sarcastic.) How thoughtful of you. Does that mean we're excused? MS. LI: For now... (Daria and Jane exit. As they do Mr. O'Neill enters.) CUT TO: EXT.: MS. LI'S OFFICE. (Daria and Jane are too curious not to eavesdrop.) (There is a brief moment of silence...) MS. LI [V.O.]: WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN YOU DON'T AGREE!?! (Daria and Jane exchange smirks.) CUT TO: EXT.: PIZZA KING. JANE [V.O.]: Aaah. Revenge is a dish that is best served with a large pie of pepperoni. CUT TO: INT.: PIZZA KING. DARIA: You said it. (Takes a large bite.) JANE: One more thing... (pause) What *did* you tell that guy in Miss Li's office? CUT TO: A CAR ON THE HIGHWAY. MR. GRANT [V.O.]: (Sounding casual.) By the way... Did you know that "missfoster" means monstrosity in Swedish? (The car skids halfway over to the next lane, then the driver regains control.) ---CLOSING CREDITS. POSTSCRIPT: W-H-E-W! These fics just get longer and longer, don't they? (Also, they get harder and harder - the only fic I've spent more energy on was "How Deep It Goes"...) As you might know I stated at the end of my last fic "A Sick Sad Goodbye", that it would probably be my last one. Obviously I was wrong... and whether that is a good or a bad thing I'll leave for you to decide. The thing that drove me to write ASSG was ironically the same thing that made me write this one - my utter disappointment in the fourth season (especially the episode "Partner's Complaint"). While my first reaction was that I don't feel like writing stories for a show that's selling out all that it has ever been, my second reaction was: "Hey! Why not, instead of just complaining, do something *better* myself." Whether I have succeeded here will also be for you to decide. (Personally I think I did, but that tells more about my low regard for season 4 (so far) than of my thoughts of my own talents - I'm aware that this episode has plenty of flaws too...) Problems, problems, problems... - The first problem was as usual to find an original idea for a plotline. Naturally I failed. Similar plotlines have been used in both fan fiction (for example Canadibrit's "Poetic Injustice"[*], Jon Kilner's "Don't know Jake" and The Paperpusher's "Herroner") and on the show itself (for example "Write where it hurts" and "Murder she snored"). I still hope I've been able to give this plot enough of a personal twist to it to avoid plagiarism... (And with the case of MSS - I had already most of the plot formed in my mind when that episode was first aired...) The second problem was the length of the fic. I had problems keeping it within the boundaries of the show. Naturally I failed here too - I don't think this could be fit into 21 minutes, despite the fact that I "squeezed" a lot of scenes together, and cut the subplot to almost non-existence (only saving the funniest parts). The third problem was perhaps the standards that I had enforced upon myself. I wanted this to be a comedy, but at the same time I wanted it to *say* something, *about* something, since the only attempt at a deeper episode in season 4 (=PC) went straight to hell... (Some people might say that this fic partially violated the canon set by that episode, but that I would only take as *positive* criticism.) :-) [*]: There were so many details that unintentionally matched this fic that I found it necessary to rewrite a few parts... It was a long time since I read it the first time, and I basically remembered three things about it: 1) Daria & Lynn were (more or less) forced into writing a pro-Lawndale essay. 2) They dealt with it by doing an essay where the messages sounded positive, but held a hidden negative meaning. 3) I really liked that fic. When I re-read it I noticed to my surprise that the similarities didn't end with just the main feature (Daria being (more or less) forced to write a pro-Lawndale essay). I had for example originally also some "angst-poetry" in my fic, and at one occasion I had even chosen the same music as CB... Wow. I know these are details, but then again they were details for the plot as well, so I found it best to ditch them... I don't like plagiarism - and I definitely don't want to be accused of it. The usual comparison: If I compare this with my previous fics, it's quite obviously the most serious of my "real universe" comedy fics, but comes nowhere near "How Deep It Goes". This was also the intention, so at least I got *something* right. It was (as I already mentioned) also the hardest to write of the comedies, and I don't know *how* many hours I spent on ACT 3... Whew! I don't think I'll be doing something like this again any time soon. *Not* a Daria-centred fic(?): - Well, sure Daria was in it a lot, but the *real* heroine of this story is probably Jane. She backed Daria up all the way, consciously getting into trouble for her sake. Still in order not to make Daria look like a jerk I wanted to make perfectly clear that she in no way pressured Jane into doing what she did, nor held her responsible. Mr. O'Neill also got more attention than I think he's got in any episode so far (with the possible exception of "The F Word"). I hope you liked my take on his personality: He's obviously scared of Ms. Li, but in this case his sense of right and wrong won. And, yes - his original intention *was* to be fair, he just made an incredible mess out of it. (And IMO that's not entirely unrealistic - I've seen much more "normal" teachers than O'Neill do equally stupid things.) On canon - Off canon: Did I stay true enough to the show for this to be called an "on canon" fic? Tough one... but personally I'd go with yes. Although there has been no evidence of any bullies on the show I thought it was a good idea to introduce them. It's not a very far stretch considering the roots and the "misfit" aspect of the show - and from the discussions on the board I've been happy to see that I'm not the only one who thinks it's a mistake on the part of the writer's to introduce such an element. Why haven't they done so? My guess is they're afraid to lose the comedy - but comedy is definitely not the only aspect of the show. The angst that many of us are able to relate to is (IMHO) just as, if not even more important. That's also BTW something I've tried to restore in this fic - the situation of a *real* outcast. (This is also one of the aspects I myself am satisfied with.) Of course in the real world it would have ended with the outcast either holding on to his/her rights and being utterly humiliated, or giving in to the pressure and spent the rest of his/her life being bitter about it - but this is a comedy... And comedies have happy endings and suck less than the real world. :-) Historical accuracy: How accurate was the story historically. Well, how the hell should I know? I wasn't there. ;-) The answer is: As accurate as I with my rusty memory of history class could make it. This means that although some of the things *are* accurate others may not be, and whatever I don't know, I fake, so it might not be a good idea to use it as a source of information. In case you're wondering how realistic the "slave"-perspective was, the answer is: As realistic as you can expect from a comedy. The slaves were at best treated almost like family members (and I kinda' liked the "Daria as a family member, but not quite"-aspect - but that's just me and my weird humour) and at worst like shit. Daria and Jane were both very lucky in the story... What the hell is the title about: The title is a quote by Marcus Fabius Quintilianus, and it means "The satire is all ours". The Roman literature was (at least at first) very dependant on Greek literature, something that annoyed Roman patriots. But eventually the Romans were to develop a form of literature that was purely Roman, and had nothing to do with the Greeks - The satire. The quote illustrates this fact. Also, it was the only decent title I could think of. (This is the first fic where I've had trouble to think up one...) Points of interest: 1) The statue the "Roman Jane" was working on could of course never have existed. Although the wolf-statue *did* exist in the 1st century the statues of Romulus & Remus weren't added until the renaissance. That's why I added Daria's line about it "being too futuristic". (Is my humour just a *bit* too subtle here...?) :-P 2) In the "Roman" story none of the characters are actually given any names. I called them by the name of their modern counterparts so that the story would be easier to read, but none of the characters ever refer to any of the others by their name. Exception: Ms. Li who's identified as Emperor Domitian. (He ruled from 81 to 96 A.D. and was an insane tyrant who was murdered for his cruelties, so I thought it was appropriate...) :-) 3) People (including Daria) didn't wear glasses in the Roman story for the very simple reason that glasses weren't invented until the 14th century (or was it the 13th...? Why do I care?) How did I do...? Those of you who've read my essay "Cynic's complaint"[*] know that I presented a set of standards that I thought would be a good idea to use when creating "real-Daria" episodes (be it genuine MTV episodes or just fanfics trying to imitate the same). Some people claimed the standards were incredibly rigid, and that they would make it almost impossible to create an episode... but I'm still not convinced that that is true. (If not for any other reason, then because so many of the already existing episodes fill the bill.) If we want to compare this story to the standards (and I think we should - I don't like being accused of creating standards that I can't live up to) I think it comes through pretty well. -I had created a bunch of ideals that I said could not be compromised, and immediately condemned any story that would - and when I look at the story, none of them are. -I had also issued a strong warning against making Daria uncynical, but throughout the story she remains her cynical disillusioned self (and actually gets some more reasons to be cynical). -Then I stated that the realism and the comedy should be in balance and that too much of either might spoil the episode - of course the balance is much a matter of taste and preference, but I think the episode survived this phase as well. -Furthermore I claimed that drama, character development and "messages" could add to an episode provided the first two criteria were met - and this episode certainly contains such things as well... So. Maybe it wasn't *easy* to write this fic, but its existence certainly proves the criteria are far from impossible. (Whether the fic is *good* is of course an entirely different matter. But I hope that at least *someone's* enjoyed it...) :-) [*]: If you haven't read the essay and wish to do so, it can be found at: http://www.kolumbus.fi/daniel.suni/daria/cynic's_complaint.txt BORING DISCLAIMER: "Daria" and all related characters are trademarks of MTV Networks, a division of Viacom International Inc. The author does not claim copyright to these characters or to anything else in the "Daria" milieu, he does however claim copyright to the storyline within this work of fiction. This fanfic may be freely copied and distributed provided the contents remain unchanged, provided that the authors name and e-mail are included, and provided that the distributor does not use the story for monetary profit. [But, hey let's face it. If you could make money with this, you'd really be one hell of a salesman :).] HOW TO CONTACT THE AUTHOR: (What? Are you still reading? Okay, then) Author: Daniel Suni E-mail: daniel.suni@kolumbus.fi Snail mail: Karistimentie 2 D 110 00920 Helsinki 92 FINLAND