Sarcasm of Titanic Proportions This fanfic was inspired by a cool feature on Invisgoth Gypsy's web page called "Anti-Titanic". Check it out at http://invisigothgypsy.simplenet.com/titanic.html. Much praise to her for the inspiration. Basically, it's "Titanic" featuring the cast of Daria. Given their personalities, the storyline is changed a little................the dialogue is changed a LOT. The Cast Rose (young and old): Daria Jack: Trent Molly Brown: Jane Italian guy/Irish guy: Jesse Cal: Upchuck Cal's nosy friend with the gun: Mr. DeMartino Mr. Andrews: Mr. O'Neill Rose's mom: Helen Rich bitches nobody likes that hang out with Rose's mom: Quinn, Stacy, Sandi, Tiffany "Gentleman" who shamelessly pursue Quinn: Joey, Jeffy, Jamie Officer that won't let any men into any of the lifeboats EVER: Ms. Barch Titanic Capt. that can't think for himself: Jake Glory hound that convinces Jake it's a good idea to go full steam into a dark night filled with icebergs: Ms. Li Brock Lovett: Mack Lizzy: Jodie Brock's annoying assistant who always manages to say the wrong thing: Kevin Brock's OTHER annoying assistant who seems all too chipper: Brittany (On board the salvage ship "Calvesh" Various television monitors are set up recording images from various submersible cameras shooting footage of the wreck of the Titanic. Piloting one of the submersibles by remote control, we see Kevin shifting the levers and hitting buttons as if he were playing a video game. Brittany watches and is doing cheers trying to edge him on) KEVIN: POW! BAM! KABLOOIE! BRITTANY: Give me a "K"! give me an "E"......... (Mack enters and grabs Kevin and pulls him away from the controls) MACK: Get away from there before you break something! KEVIN: Geez! I was just playin' around. Don't have a spaz, Mack daddy! MACK: For the last time, Kevin, this isn't a video game, and STOP calling me that! BRITTANY: Come on, Kevvy. You can still play with me. KEVIN: Sure, babe. What'll we play? (Britianny leans forward and whispers in Kevin's ear) KEVIN: Oh..............(turns to Mack) later Mack, daddy! (Mack balls up a fist and looks as though he's ready to throw Kevin into the Atlantic, but composes himself and pilots the submersible) MACK: Please God, let me find that damn ring today, so I can get rid of those two! (Mack watches the monitors as he pilots the robot through the main stairwell of the shipwreck) MACK: (thought VO) I'll try to get to Ruttheimer's suite. Maybe it's in his safe. (The robot bobs and weaves through the flooded halls until it comes to a room with decayed paintings. MACK: (thought VO) Maybe this is it. His fiancee put a lot of paintings in their suite. (Mack uses the robotic arms to sift through the rubble, finding nothing in the bedroom. He moves to the next room. It looks empty, save for a decayed sitting couch and a demolished door. Mack moves the robot over to the smashed door, lifts it with the robot's arms, and looks at what is underneath it. Cut to a close-up of Mack's face, as he flashes a triumphant grin. MACK: I found it! (Cut to an image of one of the monitors. It shows a safe encrusted with algae, but otherwise undamaged.) (Cut to a shot of a large crane hoisting the safe from the water and onto the deck of the Calvesh. Mack is wearing a large grin and passing out cigars. Kevin and Britianny stand behind him, sharing his enthusiasm. The safe door is cut away with a blowtorch and Mack looks to see what is inside. He finds piles and piles of money and some jewels) KEVIN: (yelling) WE'RE RICH, MACK DADDY! RICH! BRITTANY: Yeah! Gimme an "R"! Gimme an Mack looks disappointed at first. He obviously didn't find what he was looking for. Then hearing Kevin and Britianny's celebrating completely loses it. MACK: WILL YOU TWO SHUT THE F*^% UP! WE'RE NOT RICH! THIS MONEY IS WORTHLESS! AND BESIDES, THE STUPID RING ISN'T IN HERE!!!!!! Kevin and Britianny look stunned and instantly shut up. After a moment, Kevin gets up the guts to speak KEVIN: What ring? MACK: The ring we've been searching for the last 2 years, you moron! BRITTANY: (Just as clueless as Kevin) Which ring is that? (Mack takes a closer look at the safe to make sure he didn't overlook anything. He notices a sort of book. After looking at it a moment, he decides to catalogue everything and call it a day) (Later that evening as some of Mack's assistants try to safely open the book and read its contents, Mack is talking on the phone to his financiers) MACK: No, Mr. Thompson. It wasn't in the safe............. Yes I know......... but that's not the only place to look........... there's the mother's bedroom........... the fiancee's room............ Sure (sweats a little) ........... I have lots more leads............. OK, I'll let you know if we learn anything else, bye. (hangs up) (Just then, a drawing is revealed in the book, and Mack gets a clear look at it. It is of a young girl with dark hair, thick, black-rimmed glasses, and a smirk on her face. Her face is clearly seen. The only other part of her body that can be seen is her left hand, which is extending its middle finger. Mack notices immediately that on that finger is the very ring he's been searching for) MACK: Well, I'll be a monkey's uncle! (Kevin enters the room) KEVIN: Hey, what's goin' on? MACK: ..............or Kevin's............... KEVIN: Kevin's what, Mack daddy? (Mack walks off camera and we hear some smashing, breaking, and painful sounds) KEVIN: OWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW! SCENE 3 (Jodie is seen chopping up some carrots and lettuce, making a salad as she watches the news. In the distance, an elderly woman is seen writing in a notebook. She hears the word "Titanic" and something registers. The old lady grabs her cane and walks into the kitchen.) OLD LADY: Turn that up. JODIE: Sure, grandma. TV: Some are even calling you a grave robber, Mr. Mackenzie. MACK: Well, we're recovering important historical artifacts and cataloguing them properly. Look at this drawing we discovered just today. (Camera close-up of the drawing) It's been underwater for 87 years. Should this remain at the bottom of the ocean for all eternity? (cut to old lady's face who is totally amazed) OLD LADY: Well, I'll be a fashionable high-schooler.............. (Back on the Calvesh Mack is preparing his submersibles for another search of Titanic when Britianny hands him the phone) BRITTANY: Um, Mack. Phone. MACK (sighs) Britianny, we're launching. (points at the submersibles) See? BRITTANY: Yeah, but there's this old lady, She says her name is Daria .....something or other. And she said she needs to talk to you, and I know you shouldn't ignore old people. You should even read to them sometimes. One time Me and Kevin went to a nursing home and............. MACK: (Snatching the phone from Britianny) If I take the call, will you stop talking? BRITTANY: Um..................(Twirls her hair with her finger) OK. (Britianny heads off out of sight. Mack speaks into the phone) MACK: This is Michael Jordan Mackenzie. (Cut to split-screen of Mack and the old lady) OLD DARIA: Hey, you find the "Let them eat cake" ring? (Mack is stunned.) MACK: All right, you have my attention, Daria. Do you know who the woman in the picture is? OLD DARIA: Can't you tell by my cynicism? It's me............. (A helicopter lands on the deck of the Calvesh as Kevin, Britianny, and Mack are heading up to meet it) KEVIN: Come on, bro! she's lying! BRITTANY: Yeah, if this is the same Daria who was on the Titanic she'd be...............uh, REALLY old! KEVIN: Yeah! Like a thousand! MACK: Actually, she'd be 103. KEVIN: Yeah! Besides, THIS Daria's last name isn't even Morganfluffer, or whatever.............. MACK: Look, she knows about this ring, and everyone who who's supposed to know is either dead or on this boat............ KEVIN: What ring? MACK: Ugh! (The helicopter lands on the deck and old lady is lifted out in a wheelchair. Followed by a young girl) MACK: (yelling over the chopper noise) MRS. LANE! I'M MICHAEL MACKENZIE! WELCOME TO THE CALVESH! KEVIN: WE ALL CALL HIM MACK DADDY! (Later, inside a stateroom, Daria is putting out a group of photos. She is doing a variety of activities. She is alone in all of them, but wearing an uncharacteristic smile in each.) MACK: Is your room OK? OLD DARIA: Fine. The bathroom is convenient for when I get seasick. (Jodie enters the room, followed by Kevin and Britianny.) OLD DARIA: Have you met my granddaughter, Jodie? (Mack, Kevin, and Britianny look at them in amazement.) JODIE: I'm adopted. MACK, KEVIN, and BRITTANY: Oh, OK. OLD DARIA: Can I see my picture now? (The old Daria looks at the picture and it instantly brings on a flashback. We see the young Daria with her Mona Lisa smirk, and a pair of hands flashing to capture the moment on paper.) MACK: Marie Antoinette wore a fabulous diamond ring. She flashed it to the revolutionaries and said "Let them eat cake" just before they stormed Versailles and cut her head off. OLD DARIA: And I thought they called it the "Let them eat cake" ring after Little Debbie........... MACK: Look at the date on the drawing. JODIE: April 14, 1912.............. MACK: And you know what that means............ KEVIN: Yeah! (points at Daria) You're REALLY old! OLD DARIA: (To Mack) why do you put up with these two idiots? MACK: Their Dads are financing this expedition. I can't fire them........ OLD DARIA: I suppose I could just tell you where the ring is.......... (They all perk up, looking hopeful) OLD DARIA: But us old people need to bore you young 'uns with stories of our own youth, so I'll start at the beginning............. (Flashback to 1912. Titanic is boarding passengers and cargo, preparing to sail.) OLD DARIA: (VO) Titanic was called the "Ship of Dreams"..........and it was............to an egotistical director who would make millions off the tragedy of 1500 people dying on a sinking ship..........Had I known the ship was gonna hit an iceberg, I would have been downright chipper! I was being forced by my materialistic mother to wed a Mr. Charles Ruttheimer III. I found him so nauseating, I called him Upchuck. The thought of marrying this loser had me praying for tragedy........... (A young Daria gets out of a car and regards the great ship of doom.) DARIA: So this is Titanic. (deadpan) Whoopee. UPCHUCK: you are TOO hard to please, Daria, my sweet! (assists her out of the car and put his arm around her. Daria quickly slaps it away) RRRRRRRRRRRRR! Helen your daughter is quite the feisty one! HELEN: Yes, I know. Her attitude is quite sharp. I hope you can handle her, Charles. UPCHUCK: Oh, I love a challenge Mrs. Morgendorffer. Rooooooooowl! Anyway, we'd better board. (walks beside Daria) The sooner we get to our "private" suite, the sooner........... (Daria elbows Upchuck in the gut before he can finish) UPCHUCK: OW! Feisty! HELEN: So this is the ship they say is unsinkable............ DARIA: Watch what you say, Mom. You might jinx us............ UPCHUCK: Will you see our things get aboard, Anthony? (Mr. DeMartino emerges from the car) DEMARTINO: I'd be HAPPY to. Nothing gives me greater PLEASURE than catering to YOU and your SMARTASS girlfriend, Charles. UPCHUCK: (Not catching the sarcasm) That's why I keep you on father's payroll........... (Upchuck, Daria, and Helen board the ship and are escorted to their suites as DeMartino screams incoherently at the porters on the dock) (Meanwhile in a tavern just down the road, we see Trent looking intently at his hand in a poker game. At his left, Jesse looks the same, the identities of the other two players are unknown) TRENT: Uh...........I'll raise you. (Puts forward all the money he has.) JESSE: Dude, that's all the money we have. What if we lose? TRENT: Not like we've never been broke before............ JESSE: Yeah, but you still owe me a shirt. TRENT: I'll give you mine if we lose, OK (Jesse leans towards Trent and takes a whiff) JESSE: No way! You keep it, man. SVEN: I'll call. (He puts forward two tickets to the Titanic to match Trent's bet.) TRENT: Olaf? (The other player throws his cards down in disgust and glares at his friend) JESSE: I'm out. What do you have, Trent?............Trent? (Looks at Trent and sees he has fallen asleep) JESSE: TRENT! (Trent shakes awake) TRENT: It's not mine, officer, honest! (Sven lays his cards out, he has two pair) TRENT: Sorry, Jesse................. JESSE: Man, you bet all our money and lost?! (Trent lays down his cards and has a Full House) TRENT: Yeah, all I got is three kings and two eights............. (The other two players become enraged. One blames the other for what just happened and they start fighting. Trent and Jesse just look at each other) TRENT: What's going on? JESSE: Dude, I think you won. TRENT: Really? Cool. (Scoops up the money and takes the tickets) JESSE: Yeah, this cruise will be cool. Sun, beaches, women in bikinis........ (The barkeep can't help but tell them the truth) BARKEEP: Titanic is going to New York City, not Bermuda. (Trent and Jesse look disappointed, but Trent gets an idea.) TRENT: You know, New York has a lot of culture, maybe we could go there and start a band. JESSE: Yeah! Let's get going. BARKEEP: Better go fast, mate. Titanic sails in five minutes. TRENT: We'll walk, nothing ever starts on time, anyway. (Trent and Jesse walk out of the bar and down to the docks. They were right, as the departure has been delayed thanks to huge amount of time it took the cranes to load up the Fashion Club's wardrobes.) SANDI: Like, I can't believe they wanted to leave without getting all of our clothes on board. QUINN: Yeah, it's like, we paid the most to sail on this boat, they should at least let us get our things on it before it sails. TIFFANY: Yeah, it's not like we're "poor" or something. STACY: Or unfashionable. (Three young men dressed tuxedoes approach them) JOEY: Good day, Ms. Quinn. May I help you with your carry-ons? JEFFY: I'll take them to your room. JAMIE: I'll get some roses sent to the room with them! QUINN: Well, I'll let each of you carry a bag. (Quinn walks off with the three of them, leaving the rest of the Fashion club.) (Trent and Jesse enter the ship and stand next to the Fashion Club) TRENT: Did you see all those suitcases? They need a crane to load all those outfits. JESSE: Really. I'd sure hate to meet the snobs those belong to....... (The Fashion Club glare at them) SANDI: Excuse me? Who are you calling "snobs"? TRENT: Are all those outfits yours? TIFFANY: Yeah........... TRENT: Then we're calling YOU snobs.............later. (Trent and Jesse walk off to find their rooms.) SANDI: Like, they should have a rule about letting people on board with a HOLE in the knee of their pants. STACY: Yeah, really. (Cut to a shot of the deck where people on board are yelling to total strangers and they are yelling back. Even Trent and Jesse join in the good-byes and Bon voyages...........Daria is easily picked out of the crowd. She's the only one NOT excited to be there.........Titanic's mighty engines roar and the propellers start spinning. The epic journey begins............) (Cut to a shot of a party in the first class dining hall. People all around are smiling, laughing dancing..........except Daria, who sits in a chair looking as deadpan as usual. The old Daria describes it to Mack and the others in a voice-over, all the while the camera focuses on Daria's deadpan expression) OLD DARIA: (VO) Yeah, it was "The ship of Dreams". If you happened to be rich, shallow, and superficial. Everyone around me were congratulating themselves on being rich, and therefore, superior. It was the same damn thing over and over again. All anyone talked about was how they got rich, and how they'd get richer. Who their daughters should marry, and where they should go to school. So I did the only thing I could................I got the hell out of there! (Cut to a shot of the deck, we see Daria running away from the party as fast as she can. She pushes people out of the way, and seems to enjoy it.) DARIA: (pushing past a lovey-dovey couple) Get the hell out of my way! (Cut to a shot of Trent on a bench towards the end of the ship, he's asleep, as usual. Daria rushes past the bench and accidentally bumps into it, shaking Trent awake.) TRENT: Come on, Mom. I don't wanna go to school............(wakes up and sees a young girl running full speed towards the back of the ship) (Cut to a shot of the rear of the ship. Daria reaches the rear railing and looks down at the vast Atlantic. She doesn't climb over, she simply looks down. Trent approaches without her knowing.) TRENT: Whoa! Don't do it........... DARIA: Do what? TRENT: Aren't you gonna.............jump or something? DARIA: Why would I do that? I hate my life. I hate my family. I'm being forced into marrying someone I despise, where I'll be miserable and depressed for the rest of my life. (Looks thoughtful for a moment) All right, you convinced me. (She starts climbing the railing) TRENT: No, I meant you SHOULDN'T jump. DARIA: Why not? Let me guess, bexuase you'd have to jump in and save me........ TRENT: Uh...........no. I don't know you, why would I die for you? DARIA: (Looks thoughtful for a moment) At least you're honest...... TRENT: But how am I supposed to get to know you if you kill yourself? Come on, get off of there. I'll help you. (Trent takes her hand and helps her down, but just as she leans on him, he falls asleep, falling forward as he does, knocking Daria over the side.) DARIA: WHOA! HEY! WAKE UP! (Trent awakes and sees what he's done.) TRENT: Sorry, I fall asleep without warning sometimes. DARIA: THAT'S FASCINATING! BUT COULD YOU HELP ME BACK ON THE SHIP?! TRENT: Oh, yeah. Sure. (Trent pulls Daria back onto the deck. As he helps her over the railing, her glasses fall off. Trent catches them and he offers them back to her, their eyes meet. They lock gazes and just stare into each other's eyes.) TRENT: Um............you dropped these. DARIA: Um...........thanks. (She puts her glasses back on) TRENT: See? Told you didn't wanna do it. DARIA: Yeah, you nearly did it for me when you passed out. (Trent laughs and has a coughing attack) TRENT: You're pretty funny. I'm Trent Lane. DARIA: Daria Morgendorffer-Barksdale. TRENT: Huh? DARIA: (slowly and louder) Dar-i-a Mor-gan-dor-ffer-Barks-dale TRENT: That whole thing is your name? You mind if I just call you "Daria"? DARIA: Not at all. TRENT: OK, Daria. (Daria and Trent don't even realize they are still holding each other close against the railing as they talk. Dangerously close. Upchuck spots them there and assumes Trent is attacking his fiancee) UPCHUCK: SECURITY! (A few moments later, Trent is in handcuffs and being screamed at by Upchuck. Ms. Barch and Mr. DeMartino accompany Upchuck.) UPCHUCK: What made you think you could touch her?! (Trent doesn't respond) Steerage trash! What made you think you could touch my fiancee?! (Trent has somehow managed to sleep through Upchuck's ranting) UPCHUCK: I'M TALKING TO YOU!! (Trent wakes up) DARIA: Upchuck, will you relax? (looking thoughtful) He......... uh......... saved my life. UPCHUCK: What?! DARIA: (Hatching a plan and looking deadpan) I was overcome by the monotony of my life, feeling lost and alone. I felt I had nothing to live for, so I went to the edge of the ship and intended to commit suicide. UPCHUCK: Funny, Daria. Now what really happened? (Ms. Barch approaches and consoles Daria) MS. BARCH: It's OK, sweetie. You have nothing to be ashamed of. Now tell us how this MAN took advantage of you. DARIA: What the hell are you talking about? He pulled me back over the railing and saved me. MS. BARCH: (pointedly glaring at Trent) Is this true, male scum? TRENT: (Has no idea what's going on as he has slept through much of this scene) Uh........yeah,..........whatever. MS. BARCH: Well, I suppose I have to let you go. THIS time. (She uncuffs Trent) DARIA: Aren't you going to thank Mr. Lane, Upchuck? UPCHUCK: What did you have in mind? DARIA: (deadpan) You could invite him to dinner, ridicule him for his poverty and embarrass him in front of your rich friends. UPCHUCK: (Again missing the sarcasm) Great idea, my lovely. (walking up to Trent) How about it. Will you join us for dinner tomorrow night? TRENT: (looking at Upchuck and ready to tell him off, then catches Daria smiling at him, he smiles back) Uh, sure. (All leave except DeMartino who has been glaring at Trent the whole time) DEMARTINO: I find it Interesting that it took you a full THREE minutes to let go of Daria AFTER you pulled her back OVER the railing. (He walks off and leaves Trent alone. Trent simply returns to his bench and goes back to sleep.) (Back on the Calvesh, Mack and Jodie look bored with the story. However, Britianny has gotten a starry look in her eyes.) BRITTANY: Oh! That's so romantic. To be stuck with a JERK, then be rescued by a total stranger. (Looks thoughtful for a moment then walks towards the back of the ship) Excuse me! MACK: (Shaking his head) Maybe she'll jump............. OLD DARIA: I don't think you're THAT lucky. (Flashback to the Titanic as it boards more passengers in Ireland. The old Daria speaks again in voice-over) OLD DARIA: We took on a few more victims. One in particular was a young woman called Margaret Brown. History would call her "The Unsinkable Molly Brown" But for some damn reason, she wanted everyone to call her Jane. (Cut to a shot of the lobby where a porter is seen running for his life, dodging various objects being thrown at him. Jane stops pursuing him when she comes into view.) JANE: Next time, keep your damn hands off my art supplies! OLD DARIA: Her husband struck gold out west somewhere and decided to ship her off all over the world so he could chase California bikini models. She didn't seem to mind, though. She did get to go anywhere she wanted and leave him footing the bill. (Daria is seated having lunch with Helen, Jane, Upchuck, Mr. O'Neill, who designed the ship, and Ms. Li, who represents Star Lines, owners of the ship.) (Daria starts reading a book while waiting for her food. Helen objects.) HELEN: Daria, you know I hate it when you read at the table. DARIA: You know I hate it when you nag me about it. (Upchuck takes the book from her.) UPCHUCK: You shouldn't be reading anyway. When women start reading, they start getting ideas, and thinking.......... JANE: Yeah, a woman that thinks for herself. Can't have that, can we? Anyway who thought up the name "Titanic" O'NEILL: I did. I wanted to convey sheer size so the name would fit the ship. DARIA: Some countries can't fit in this ship. (Jane snickers a little at that. Helen just glares at Daria.) LI: Mr. O'Neill has constructed a fine ship, one whose supremacy will never be challenged. He has brought honor to himself and to Staaaaaaaaaaaaaar Cruise Lines. DARIA: Yeah, we all know how men value size................. HELEN: Daria! What's the matter with you?! JANE: Yeah! There you go, thinking again! (Daria smirks a little at Jane's remark, then decides to skip lunch and leaves) (A short while later, Jane gets settled in her room and starts taking out a few paintings and putting them about her room. When she hears a knock at her door.) JANE: Yo! (Daria enters carrying a small box) DARIA: Um, you dropped this in the hall. JANE: My paint set! Thanks. DARIA You're not gonna kill me for touching it? They say that porter needed twelve stitches. JANE: Nah. I'm too tired for anymore carnage. (Daria looks around and notices some of Jane's paintings.) DARIA: Did you paint these? JANE: Yep. Gives me something to do when sailing all over hell and back. DARIA: You're nothing like the others. JANE: What others? DARIA: Well, all the rich people around here are stuck-up, closed-minded and won't even talk to you unless you have a big enough bank account. JANE: Ahh, I'm only rich because my husband got lucky. He was drilling for oil in California and ended up finding a gold mine. How about you? DARIA: Oh, I'm just here because I have to get married to some tycoon's son. JANE: You don't sound too happy about that. DARIA: I'm not. I used to think: Well, they're all jerks, so I guess it doesn't really matter which one I marry.....................but then. JANE: Yes? DARIA: I met this guy last night...........he just seems different. JANE Ooh, la la! (singing) THE LOOOOOOOOOOVE BOAT! DARIA: Funny. But this whole thing has gotten me very confused. As much as my life sucks it's been comfortable in being routine. I suppose I could tell my mother to go to hell and leave them all behind. But what would I do? Women can't even vote, let alone make it on their own. JANE: Look, I don't know you. So, unless you're a Hindu, you only live once. So why not make the best of it? If you hate your fiancee, and you're worried about being alone, just run off with this guy you met. He sounds like a good one. DARIA: When he can stay awake................ JANE: Why not go talk to him and get to know him better? He might like you too. DARIA: Maybe you're right. (offers her hand) I'm Daria. JANE: (Shakes it) Molly Brown. Just call me Jane. DARIA: Why? JANE: Jane is my real name. I changed it to Molly when I ran away from home so my parents couldn't find me. (Daria starts to leave with a very confused look on her face) JANE: Daria, wait! Can I draw you? DARIA: Huh? JANE: I like to draw people. Sue me. DARIA: I don't think I can while we're in International waters. But let's do it another time. JANE: Okeedokee. (Daria looks at some of Jane's darker paintings and is intrigued.) DARIA: Can I have some of these? They're really good. JANE: Sure. (Gives Daria a "thumbs-up") Go get 'em Tiger! (Daria returns to her room and starts displaying the paintings. Upchuck enters) UPCHUCK: I know you've been feeling down lately. Although I can't imagine why....... DARIA: Because you're an overbearing, egotistical, jerk? UPCHUCK: You're such a kidder, Daria. But maybe this will help your mood. (He takes out a box) DARIA: Is it a .45? I can end both our suffering now............ (Upchuck opens the box and reveals a fabulous diamond ring. Even Daria can't resist its beauty.) DARIA: Wow...............that must cost your Dad a healthy chunk of change. (Upchuck puts the ring on Daria's finger.) UPCHUCK: They called it the "Let them eat cake" ring. It was worn by Marie Antoinette. (Daria can't fit it on her ring finger, so she puts in on her middle finger.) DARIA: It is beautiful..................... UPCHUCK: Like you, my dearest..........Roooooooooooowl! (Daria clenches her ring hand into a fist.) DARIA: Upchuck, I could really hurt you................and you're two best friends right now. (Upchuck runs from the room screaming) DARIA: On second thought, maybe I will keep this ring. (Cut to later on the deck. Daria and Trent are talking.) TRENT: Well, my parents were never around. They traveled a lot................ I'm not sure if they're dead or not. DARIA: At least your parents left you alone. Do you have any other family? TRENT: I had a younger sister, Janey. But she ran off and married some miner guy or something. I never saw her again. (Daria looks thoughtful for a second and shakes her head) DARIA: Nah, freak coincidence. TRENT: Huh? DARIA: Nothing. TRENT: So, uh. why did you wanna see me? DARIA: (blushing) well, I wanted to tell you.................... um................... TRENT: (arching an eyebrow) Tell me what? DARIA: (chickening out) That I wanted to thank you for going with my story last night. TRENT: (looking a little disappointed) Oh, no problem. (Cut to inside the dining hall. The Fashion Club is seated having tea. Jane enters and looks around.) SANDI: Oh no. It's that "Brown" woman. QUINN: Oh no, let's get out of here before she sits with us! (Jane looks and sees the Fashion Club) JANE: Oh no, I better get out of here before they come this way.............. (Cut to the deck where Daria has taken an interest in Trent's carrying case) DARIA: What is that? (She points to Trent's case he has been carrying) TRENT: My, uh, invention. (Trent reveals what's inside the case. It looks like it was a banjo, but with several adaptations.) TRENT: I call it a "guitar". I'm gonna start my own band. That's why me and my friend Jesse are going to New York. Why are you going to New York? DARIA: (sighs) I'm marrying someone I despise, because my mother can't live without money. My father ran off unexpectedly with a bunch of debts that took the entire fortune to pay for. We're flat broke, so I have to marry this rich kid just to satisfy my mother's materialistic demands. TRENT: (looks confused) So, you don't love him? DARIA: Of course I don't. I call him Upchuck because that's what I feel like whenever I see him. TRENT: Then why are you marrying him? DARIA: Are you implying that I'm just as shallow and materialistic as my mother? Because it would really bother me if you thought that. TRENT: No, I don't think that. Just seems you should marry someone that you wanna be with, not for money. DARIA: Welcome to the real world, Trent............... (Trent laughs and coughs a little) (Just then the Fashion Club approaches) QUINN: Hey isn't that Daria? SANDI: I guess so, that girl is so weird. STACY: Yeah, I'd hate to be related to her. TIFFANY: Yeah, wouldn't it suck to have her for a sister? QUINN: Um...........yeah. SANDI: Is that the guy that like, saved her life? QUINN: I think so, lets go talk to him, he might be cute. (The Fashion Club greet them just as Helen walks up to Daria and Trent.) TRENT and SANDI: (recognizing each other) YOU?! (Sandi storms off and the rest of the Fashion club follow her. Helen stays to mince words with Trent) HELEN: So this is the young man who saved your life, Daria? DARIA: (Obviously tired of explaining this to everyone) Yes, mother. TRENT: Hi. Trent Lane. HELEN: Helen Morgendorffer-Barksdale. TRENT: uh.......................... DARIA: Just call her Helen, Trent. TRENT: I think I'll call you, "Daria's Mom" (Daria flashes her Mona Lisa smirk Helen just glares at them.) OLD DARIA: (voice-over) My mother saw Trent as a threat. He was poor, had no influential friends or family, and had absolutely nothing to offer me. Needless to say, Mom really hated him. Hmm, the Fashion Club hated him, my family hated him. Trent was becoming more appealing to me by the minute. (Jane approaches and is shocked by what she sees) JANE: TRENT?! TRENT: Is that you, Janey? JANE: Yeah, what are you doing on a luxury liner? You sneak on? HELEN: I'm calling security............. TRENT: No, I didn't sneak on, Janey. And I have tickets to prove it, Daria's Mom. HELEN: Would you mind calling me by my name? TRENT: Yes I would, Daria's Mom.............. HELEN: (pulls Daria by the arm) Come on Daria, we have to get dressed for dinner. DARIA: Oh yeah, can't show up for dinner naked. Later, Trent. TRENT: Later, Daria. (Trent continues to stare at Daria as she walks away. Despite Jane's efforts) JANE: Trent? Trent!.......................TRENT! TRENT: What is it, Janey? JANE: You're supposed to have dinner with the rich and famous................. TRENT: Don't remind me............ JANE: If you hate it so much, why are you going? TRENT: Well.................... JANE: Yeah............ TRENT: Daria's gonna be there. JANE: What were you planning on wearing to this thing? TRENT: What I have on. JANE: I thought so. Come with me. We'll have a chance to catch up. (Cut to later. At the main stairwell. Trent stands around. Still wearing the same clothes. He is getting weird looks from all the dressed-up people around him, but he seems to be oblivious to it. Upchuck enters escorting Helen.) UPCHUCK: Well, Lane. You look just as I thought you would............(Starts laughing) (Daria enters wearing a glittering ballgown. It looks like something Quinn might wear, but Daria felt tonight would be special. Trent turns and sees her. He is stunned by what he sees. He approaches her, yanks a flower out of one of the floral arrangements and offers it to her) TRENT: Wow, Daria. You look great. DARIA: (Blushing bright red) Um............uh.............thanks. (Jane enters and breaks the tension) JANE: Dinner's in there, you two. Care to join me? TRENT: Yeah! I'm starving............. DARIA: Somehow, I knew he'd say that. (Our three heroes enter the dining hall. Trent is instantly noticeable. He's the only man in the place that isn't wearing a tux.) OLD DARIA: (voice-over) In a twisted sort of way. I was glad he was my date. I would always be the one to inspire those looks and be ignored by these shallow gluttons. It was good to find someone to get the cold shoulder. I tried not to attract attention to him, but my mother made that damn near impossible. HELEN: So how are the accommodations in steerage, Mr. Lane? (Trent has fallen asleep again and didn't hear Helen's question-insult) HELEN: Mr. Lane? MR. LANE! TRENT: I'm over 21, officer! Honest! Oh, what is it, Daria's Mom? HELEN: Ugh! Nevermind. JANE: I think they want to know what you're doing here, Trent. So do I, now that I mention it. TRENT: Well, I scored some tickets in a poker game. So I'm going to New York to start a band. JANE: Poker? Ahh, my bro, the compulsive gambler........... (The entire table falls silent. They are shocked to learn Jane and Trent are family) UPCHUCK: You two are brother and sister? JANE: Oh yeah! I ran away when I was 10 and changed my name to Molly. But now that I'm married and my parents can't drag me back home, I'm changing it back to Jane. TRENT: I wouldn't worry about them, Janey. They've been home about twice since you left. DARIA: Champagne, Trent? TRENT: Better not. I'm broke. Can't pay for drinks. DARIA: They're free, Trent.............. TRENT: Oh................(offers his glass to the waiter) Fell 'er up, Gaston! (Some time later, the men excuse themselves.) MR. O'NEILL: You're welcome to join us, Trent. TRENT: No thanks, man. I'm all partied out................. UPCHUCK: It's gonna be all politics and business anyway. Wouldn't interest you. (To Daria) See you in my room later............ DARIA: Keep dreaming, Upchuck. UPCHUCK: Feisty! TRENT: Night Daria. (Pretends to kiss her cheek, whispering in her ear) Meet me at the clock. (Cut to the clock. Daria nervously approaches Trent) TRENT: God, Daria. That party really sucked. DARIA: Yeah, sorry you had to go through all that. TRENT: No problem. Don't know what I would've done if you weren't there........... DARIA: (Blushing more than before) ........uh................um (Jane enters) JANE: You gonna ask Daria to that party or what, Casanova? TRENT: Oh, go paint something, Janey. JANE: OK, good idea. Thanks, Trent. (Gives another "thumbs-up" to Daria as she leaves, Daria just glares at her) TRENT: Jesse told me about this party on the steerage deck. DARIA: What makes it different than the party we were just at? TRENT: This one will have a band, and we won't have to put up with your mom. DARIA: I like it already. TRENT: So, you wanna go with me? (Trent and Daria lock gazes again. Daria has been lost in Trent's eyes and didn't even hear what he said. The only words she heard were "go with me?") DARIA: (in her most lovy-dovy voice) I do. (Composes herself) Uh.......sure. Sounds like fun. Just don't fall asleep on me again. TRENT: (Laughs and coughs again) I'll try not to. (Cut to the steerage deck. A wild party has erupted. bands play, couples dance, beer flows like a river. Daria and Trent enter they watch the dancing from the sidelines. Trent gets up enough courage to ask Daria to dance.) TRENT: (Yelling to make himself heard over the party) YOU WANNA DANCE, DARIA?! DARIA: I DON'T KNOW HOW TO DANCE! (Trent takes her onto the dance floor and smiles) TRENT: DON'T WORRY, NEITHER CAN I! (Trent and Daria gallop around the dance floor. They have no rhythm, or style, and look VERY foolish. No one seems to mind, though. The other dancers aren't much better. Daria is smiling the whole time. She actually seems to be having fun................she also can't take her eyes off Trent, despite the fact he keeps leading her in circles. Tired and dizzy, the two find some chairs and rest.) DARIA: Wow! This beats the hell out of champagne with Mom. TRENT: Glad you're enjoying yourself Daria. This is the first time I've seen you smiling. DARIA: (hides her smile) I thought you were oblivious................ TRENT: (nervous) Well, .......um...........yeah. (Just then, DeMartino walks in on the party. He spies Daria and Trent sitting together, and has seen enough, he leaves the way he came.) (Cut to the next day. Daria and Upchuck are having breakfast on his private deck. Daria has only toast and coffee.........LOTS of coffee.) UPCHUCK: You seem more down than usual, my dear................. DARIA: Yeah, didn't get much sleep last night. UPCHUCK: How could you? When you were partying all night with that poor boy?! DARIA: So you had that psycho sidekick of yours spy on me, eh? UPCHUCK: I don't know what you possible see in that lower-class trash. DARIA: (getting angry) His name is TRENT! (Upchuck is furious and overturns the table and gets right in Daria's face) UPCHUCK: I am your fiancee. That means I'm practically your husband and you will act as a wife SHOULD act towards her husband! DARIA: (Unfazed by Upchuck's tirade) You mean be subservient? Allow myself to be intimidated whenever you have a temper tantrum because you can buy me fancy things, a big house, and lots of clothes? UPCHUCK: (Missing the sarcasm yet again) Yes, exactly. You will give me respect! DARIA: I'll give you something all right! (Daria lifts her leg and kicks Upchuck in the balls with her combat boots. He falls to the floor with a thud) You threaten me like that again, and I'll do more to them than just kick them....................... (Cut to later that day. Daria bored out of her skull decides to take the tour of the ship. She looks hopefully around for Trent, but is nowhere to be found. She does a quick count in her head of the number of lifeboats and the capacity of them. She stops the tour to address the problem.) DARIA: Mr. O'Neill. I've done a count and it seems that there aren't enough lifeboats for everyone. O'NEILL: You have a very observant mind, Daria. You're right. There are only enough for about half. There is room for another row of boats. But Ms. Li said the deck would look to cluttered and she needed room in the budget for hanging more chandeliers. DARIA: Once again appearance is made a higher priority than reason............ HELEN: Daria I wish you wouldn't be so opinionated. Besides, this ship is unsinkable, the deck is cluttered enough as it is. (Cut to the dining hall where Jake, captain of the ship is sitting with Ms. Li) LI: You haven't lit the last four boilers? Why not? JAKE There's no need. Were making excellent time. LI: Captain, the press already knows Titanic's size. Now I want them to marvel at her speed! We must give them something new to print! JAKE: Well, going at full steam with the North Atlantic full of icebergs at this time of year may not be wise.............. LI: Of course it is your decision. But wouldn't it be grand if we got into New York harbor Tuesday night instead of Wednesday morning and suprise them? It would bring honor to yourself and to Staaaaaaaaaaaaaar cruise lines. JAKE: Well.................what the hell! This ship is unsinkable. No iceberg's big enough to sink this baby! LI: Very good.................. (Cut to a shot of the steerage deck Where Trent tries to climb up and sneak into the tour. After several failed attempts he gives up) TRENT: Oh, to hell with it, I'm taking the stairs. (Trent sneaks behind the tour and grabs Daria by the arm and pulls her into a private room.) DARIA: Trent, what are you doing? TRENT: I, uh, wanted to talk to you. DARIA: You could have just told me to meet you. Why the secrecy? TRENT: Well, I didn't want to get you in trouble with that guy you're with. DARIA: Who? Upchuck? Don't worry. he won't mess with me. He's afraid of what'll happen to his two best friends................ TRENT: (looks confused) Who are they? DARIA: Nevermind. TRENT: Daria, are you really going to marry that guy? DARIA: If you can call him that. TRENT: I have nothing to offer you but my music DARIA: You asking me to marry YOU, Trent? TRENT: Uh, no (Thought VO) Damn! DARIA: (Thought VO) Damn! TRENT: But you can't be the bride of Chucky............ DARIA: Yeah, I'd have to be a doll for that. TRENT: You know what I mean, Daria. DARIA: Yeah, I know Upchuck is wrong for me, but who else do I have? (Daria turns and leaves. Trent looks after her, disappointed.) TRENT: DAMN! (He pounds his fist on a chair) Ow! (Cut to later in the dining hall. Daria is waiting for Helen to join her. Jane spots her and comes over.) JANE: Yo! DARIA: Hey, Jane. JANE: You look more chipper than usual. What's the matter? DARIA: I'm torn between a life of luxury surrounded by those I despise and an uncertain life with someone I actually care about................ JANE: So, you DO like Trent. DARIA: It's THAT obvious? JANE: Relax, Daria. It's not like you have something to be ashamed of. Hell, everyone gets a sick crush on someone sooner or later. Did I tell you I met this guy Jesse? I tell you, if I wasn't already married I'd take him to my room and.................. DARIA: Please, Jane. I'm about to eat. JANE: Sorry. Guess I shouldn't mention Upchuck, then. He told me to tell you he wouldn't be joining you and your mom for lunch. What did you do to him? DARIA: (smirking) Hit him where men hurt the most. JANE: Daria one, Upchuck zilch. (The Fashion club approaches) SANDI: Um, Daria, or whatever.............. DARIA: Um, total stranger or whatever..................... SANDI: We just wanted to tell you that we think it was totally inappropriate of you to bring that "guy" to our party last night. QUINN: Really. Green shirts with gray pants?! Eww! TIFFANY: And the pants had like, holes, in them JANE: Kinda like your heads................(Daria and Jane snicker) SANDI: Look just because we're attractive and popular............. DARIA: And shallow and superficial................ SANDI: That doesn't mean you have to get all jealous. (The Fashion club leaves with Daria and Jane still smirking.) JANE: Tell me again why you're torn between their world and Trent's................ DARIA: I'm not torn anymore. (Adopts a serious tone.) I now know what I must do. (Cut to a shot the bough of the ship. Trent stands there alone. He looks as though he is about to nod off. But Daria stops him before he can.) DARIA: Trent? (Trent turns and smiles when he sees it's Daria) TRENT: Hey, Daria! DARIA: Aren't you going to yell "I'm the King of the world!"? TRENT: Um..................no. But I am going to ask you to come here. (Daria obeys without question, she stands with him at the front of the ship. They stand there silent for a moment. Trent finally gets up the nerve to put his arm around her. Daria cringes at first, but only at first. She finds herself putting both arms around Trent without even thinking about it. Trent finally breaks the silence.) TRENT: Daria, why do you hang out with me? (Daria tries to think of an answer. She can't. She is too lost in her feelings. She can't believe she is experiencing emotion. Then it hit her.................) DARIA: You make me.............feel.............. TRENT: I'm not sure what that means................. DARIA: Why do you hang out with me? (Trent tries to think of an answer, it hits him the second he started thinking) TRENT: You make me...............think............. (Daria and Trent look at each other and finally notice that while they were talking they had come closer. They were now holding each other in their arms. Cheesy romance music by Celine Dion starts playing as Daria and Trent get closer............closer. The music swells as they share a long, passionate kiss. After a moment, they separate and Trent looks thoughtful again.) TRENT: Daria............. DARIA: Yes, Trent............. TRENT: Where the hell is that music coming from? DARIA: I don't know, but it's very disturbing. (sound of a record scratching is heard, then the music stops.) TRENT: That's better. DARIA: It's cold. Let's go in. (Cut to inside one of the hallways Daria and Trent see Jane and approach her) JANE: So, you choose a world yet? DARIA: Yeah. Now how to break it to Upchuck? JANE: Over his head! DARIA: I think I'll write him a note instead.................... (Daria takes out a notepad and begins writing. It's a short letter and she's finished quickly) (Cut to shot of the letter) Upchuck, You suck. Leaving your rich, shallow, materialistic ass for a poor boy. Why don't you marry Mom? You two deserve each other. Sincerely NOT yours, Daria JANE: Hmm. Powerful, but needs an illustration......................How about I add a picture of you wearing the ring he gave you? DARIA: It's in my room. (Cut to Daria's room. she takes the ring out and puts it on her middle finger.) DARIA: How should I pose? JANE: Hmm, we need to send Upchuck a real message here. How about you wear the ring...................and NOTHING else? DARIA and TRENT: WHAT?! JANE: It'll give Upchuck something he can see, but never have. Besides, you could show off for Trent.............. (Daria smirks and flips Jane the bird) TRENT: Whoa! That's even better, Daria! JANE: Yeah, he's got a point. Flipping him off while wearing his ring. Nice touch. Hold that pose, Daria. (Jane sketches Daria in perfect detail. Putting emphasis on the ring and her extended left middle finger. Daria holds her Mona Lisa smirk perfectly, she is obviously enjoying this. After a few minutes, Jane is done. Daria puts the sketch in the safe and puts the ring with it.) JANE: Isn't that a dumb tradition to give the ring back? DARIA: It's not really mine. What would I do with that big ring anyway. JANE: Trade it in for a cabin in Montana? DARIA: Tempting.................but I don't wanna go to jail or anything. JANE: Well, I'm off. (looks evilly and Daria and Trent) I'll leave you two alone. TRENT: (Missing the spur) Thanks, Janey! (Cut back to the Calvesh The group looks more bored than before. Kevin looks especially disappointed.) KEVIN: You mean you guys didn't..............you know.............do it? OLD DARIA: You mean with his sister in the room? Ick. (Suddenly a voice from outside is head, yelling.) BRITTANY: Isn't ANYONE Going to stop me from jumping? MACK: Not in this lifetime. JODIE: So what happened next, grandma? OLD DARIA: Do you really want to know, or are you patronizing me to get a bigger inheritance? JODIE: OK, you win. OLD DARIA: Well, I'll reward your honesty by finishing this story. (Cut to a shot of the main dining hall. DeMartino approaches Upchuck) DEMARTINO: There's NO sign of Daria ANYwhere, Mr. Rutthiemer. UPCHUCK: Ugh! What am I paying you for?! This is a boat, it's not like she hopped in a car to go make out with.......................I know where they are! Follow me. (Cut to a shot of the cargo hold. Daria and Trent are there making cracks about all the stupid things these people have spent their money on.) TRENT: Those crates are bigger than my room. Why would anyone need THAT many clothes..............? DARIA: So the can delude themselves to the point they can't even conceive their own shallowness. (Trent looks aver and spots a car) TRENT: Whoa! Daria, check it out................ (Daria and Trent hop in the car. After sitting in it for a moment, they both get evil grins on their faces.) TRENT: You thinking what I'm thinking, Daria? DARIA: Oh, yeah! (Cut to a shot of the Fashion Clubs oversized wardrobe. The sound of a revving engine is heard. Suddenly a car busts through the crates, shattering them, and sending outfits flying everywhere.) Close-up of Daria and Trent who are wearing VERY big smiles. TRENT: (laughing then coughing) Good one, Daria! DARIA: Thanks. (Daria backs the car up and drives over the clothes a few more times for good measure. Just then Upchuck, DeMartino and some ship security walk in and spot them.) TRENT: Now what, Daria? DARIA: Now we run like hell, Trent! (Daria and Trent head for the other door, and being chased by Upchuck and Co. After going through it, Daria grabs Trent and they hide behind the opened door, and watch their pursuers run straight through.) DARIA: Oldest trick in the book. TRENT: Yeah, but they'll be looking for us. DARIA: Well, it's freezing outside, they won't look there. Can you chill with me for awhile, Trent? TRENT: As long as you're there, Daria, I won't feel cold at all............... (Aww............) DARIA: That's sweet, Trent. But wear this coat, anyway. (She throws him a coat hanging on the wall.) (Cut to a shot of the deck, Trent and Daria enter through a door. The temperature is below freezing, as Trent and Daria quickly learn. They are still laughing about how they outsmarted Upchuck and the others.) DARIA: I'd actually pay to see Upchuck's face when he sees that drawing Jane made. TRENT: Yeah, so would I.......if I had any money. (looks solemn for a moment) Daria, you'd really leave your rich, luxurious life to be with me? DARIA: Yeah. You're the only person I know I actually look forward to seeing. And I can tolerate Jane. When this boat docks, I'm getting off with you, and telling anyone who doesn't like it to go to hell. And anyone who DOES like it for that matter........ (Cut to a shot of the bridge Jake is seen stirring tea with Ms. Barch glaring at him) BARCH: We're going full blast in freezing weather on a ship that needs at least 800 yards to turn............only a MAN could be so stupid. JAKE: Aww, relax. Any iceberg big enough to do some damage we'll see coming. (sips some more tea. (just then, the phone rings: On the other end we hear inaudible screaming) JAKE: What? AN ICEBERG?! WHERE?! DEAD AHEAD?! WELL, WHY DIDN'T YOU CALL ME?! (hangs up the phone, looks up and sees the iceberg and turns the wheel hard left) All reverse! (Switches the lever to full reverse.) (The iceberg looms, and the ship heads straight for it. Jake is turning the wheel for all he's worth, but it's no use. Ms. Barch shoves him out of the way) BARCH: Give me the wheel, MALE! Before you kill us all. (She turns the wheel and the ship responds immediately, but it's too late, the ship smashes into the iceberg, scraping along the starboard side, immediately compartments begin to flood.) (Cut to a shot of the deck. Daria and Trent are holding each other to keep warm.............yeah, right. They are about to kiss, when the impact breaks them apart. TRENT: EARTHQUAKE! DARIA: Trent, we're on a boat. TRENT: Oh, yeah............. (Trent and Daria look to the side and see the huge iceberg and dodge pieces of it that are falling onto the deck.) DARIA: Hmm, I think they're steering a little too close to those things. TRENT: Yeah, they need to be more careful, the ship could sink or something............. DARIA: Yeah, I can see the headlines now "TITANIC SINKS IN TRAGIC ICEBERG ACCIDENT!" (neither Daria nor Trent laugh at Daria's last comment......... reality has "sunk" in) Uh-oh............... (Cut to a shot of the bridge where Jake, Mr. O'Neill, Ms. Barch and Ms. Li are assessing the situation) LI: Why have we stopped? O'NEILL: The ship was badly damaged when we hit the iceberg. LI: Oh, bother. How soon can we be underway? JAKE: We're gonna die................We're all gonna DIE!!!!!!!!! BARCH: (slaps him) Get a hold of yourself! O'NEILL: I don't think you realize what's happened, Ms. Li. Five bulkhead compartments flooded in the impact, the ship will sink in less than two hours. LI: WHAT?! I'll lose my job! (Mr. O'Neill sighs and buries his head in his hands) O'NEILL: As tragic as that is, Ms. Li, we have a bigger problem. There are only enough lifeboats for about 750 people, there are over two thousand on this ship. LI: (Looking thoughtful) All right, we'll evacuate those in first class, then, second, they are the richest and we still cut down a lot more on wrongful death lawsuits than those in steerage. O'Neill Shouldn't we evacuate women and children first? BARCH: No! Women and GIRLS first! LI: Oh, very well. If you'll excuse me, I have to get a lifeboat, I mean uh......something from my room............. JAKE: It's all over...............we're all gonna die in the cold ocean! BARCH: In light of our captain's sudden insanity, I'm assuming command. Now, Women and girls first! Men, Man the lifeboats, but don't even think about getting in them! (Withdraws a 6-shooter) (Cut back to Trent and Daria who spot Mr. O'Neill heading towards the main staircase) DARIA: Mr. O'Neill? O'NEILL: Oh, Daria. (Trying to sound calm) How's it going? DARIA: Cut the act, O'Neill. We saw the iceberg. (O'Neill breaks down, puts his arms around Daria and starts bawling. Daria gets deadpan again) DARIA: It's pretty bad, then.................... O'NEILL: It's .............(sniff) worse. This ship will sink in a little over an hour (sob) TRENT: So much for the ship that's "unsinkable". O'NEILL: Daria! You have to get to a boat.........remember the talk we had about the boats? DARIA: I remember. (Mr. O'Neill leaves. Daria turns to Trent) DARIA: Trent, listen to me, there aren't enough boats for everyone. Either we get to a lifeboat or freeze to death. TRENT: Whoa.............that would suck. Should we tell people? DARIA: That would only cause a panic. We should tell only those we love or care about. DARIA and TRENT: Jane! (Daria and Trent head down the first class hallway, on their way to Jane's room. They encounter upchuck and DeMartino) UPCHUCK: There you are, my sweet. DARIA: Upchuck, now is not the time for this..................... UPCHUCK: Why not? Just thought I'd tell you that your boyfriend is a thief. DARIA: What? (DeMartino slips the "let them eat cake" ring into Trent's pocket) UPCHUCK: Search him! (DeMartino pulls the ring out of his pocket) DEMARTINO: Ah-HA! DARIA: Trent? TRENT: I didn't do it, you were with me the whole time, you put the ring in the safe and locked it. DARIA: I don't know what you're up to, Upchuck, but Trent was with me the whole time, this is an obvious set-up. (Ms. Barch comes in and cuffs Trent again) BARCH: You're not getting away with it THIS time, male oppressor! (Ms. Barch leads him into the bowels of the ship.) DARIA: You didn't get my note, did you, Upchuck? UPCHUCK: No. where is it? DARIA: (smirking) It's in my notebook in the safe, why don't you go read it? (Upchuck goes towards his room.) DARIA: Oh! And be sure to look at the picture that goes with it! UPCHUCK: Anthony, make sure she doesn't run off again! (Upchuck leaves. Daria actually looks frightened. She knows she has to save Trent, but she also has to get to Jane.) DARIA: Um, Mr. DeMartino? DEMARTINO: WHAT is it Daria? DARIA: I need to go see my friend Jane........it's um important. DEMARTINO: Is it SO important, you HAVE to go to her ROOM at 1 AM?! DARIA: Um.....yes. It's right down the hall, we'll be back before Upchuck gets here. DEMARTINO: (flashes his gun) All right. but don't PUSH me, Daria. I'm not in a very STABLE mood right now. DARIA: Now or ever................. (Daria and Mr. DeMartino Walk down to Jane's suite and Daria knocks incessantly) DARIA: Jane! Jane, wake up! (Jane opens the door. looking mussed and sleepy) JANE: You woke me up at 1 AM, is the ship sinking or something? DARIA: Now that you mention it...................(She rushes past Jane and shuts the door, and locks DeMartino out.) DEMARTINO: (banging on the door) DARIA! DARIA! LET ME IN! JANE: Not by the hair of our chinny-chin-chin! DARIA: Jane, the ship is sinking. They arrested Trent for stealing my ring and took him below. JANE: Funny, Daria. Now what's REALLY going on? (Daria just glares at her. A vase falls of the table as the ship is getting more and more vertical.) JANE: Whoa! You're not kidding, are you? DARIA: No. JANE: As much as I'd like not having Trent fall asleep on me in the middle of a conversation, I'd miss the bony guy after awhile..............I suppose we should rescue him. DARIA: But first we have to lose Upchuck's psycho sidekick. JANE: You mean the big, bad, wolf out there? No problem, there's a door to the next suite over there. (Jane and Daria head through the door. When they get back in the hallway, they look at DeMartino still pounding on the door) JANE: Do you think he'll figure out we left through the other door before or AFTER the ship sinks? DARIA: Before. He'll forget about us at the first sign of water.............. (Daria and Jane head to "E" deck to look for Trent. They have no idea where to start looking, but spot Ms. Barch heading back up towards the deck.) DARIA: Ms.Barch! Where did they take Trent? BARCH: You mean that lying, cheating, miserable excuse of a MAN?! JANE: Yeah! That would be him. BARCH: Why would you want to know, Daria? He had his way with you the other night and stole from you tonight............... JANE: (Smirking at Daria) He had his way with you, Daria? DARIA: (glaring at Jane) No, he fell asleep. JANE: Everyone has their faults. DARIA: But anyway.........I......uh........want to confront my attacker and let him know that just because I'm a woman, he can't treat me like I'm inferior. BARCH: Good for you, Daria! Well, in that case, he's in the officer's quarters. Go down this hall, then take the second right, then the third left, then the first right, it'll be the 4th door on the left. (Ms. Barch walks back up the staircase, leaving Jane and Daria to fend for themselves) JANE: Did you get all of that? DARIA: I didn't get ANY of that. Looks like we're on our own. (Jane and Daria search the corridors for Trent and the first waves of water start flooding the halls) DARIA: TREEEEEEEEEEEEEEENT! JANE: YO! TRENT! DARIA: TRENT! WHERE ARE YOU?! JANE: DAMMIT TRENT, THIS IS THE LAST SHIPWRECK WE'RE TAKING YOU ON! (Daria listens for an answer. When it doesn't come, she looks as though she may cry) DARIA: Dammit! Why.............? JANE: Why what, Daria? DARIA: I finally care about someone.................I finally let someone in...........I let my defenses down. And no sooner do I meet him, the damn boat hits an iceberg! It's not fair, dammit! JANE: Whoa...........I thought you just liked him.............. DARIA: Losing him isn't the worst part, Jane. Losing him without telling him I love him is................ (The flooding is becoming worse, the water is up to Daria and Jane's knees.) JANE: Come on, Daria, We have to go................... (Jane heads back for the stairs. Daria hasn't moved) JANE: Come on, Daria! DARIA: I'm not leaving without Trent. JANE: Don't be stupid Daria! This whole place will be flooded in a few minutes! (Trent is jolted awake by the sensation of icy water splashing his feet. He is handcuffed to a pipe. He tries in vain to break free. He hears familiar voices down the hall) DARIA: (far-off) I don't care, Jane! I love Trent! I won't leave him behind. TRENT: DARIA! JANE! I'M IN HERE! (Trent hears fast-paced sloshing and Daria enters through the door. Jane follows right behind.) TRENT: Man, am I glad to see you guys! Get me out of these things! (wiggles his handcuffs) JANE: I'll go find something! Daria, you stay with Trent. TRENT: Hurry up, Janey. This water is COLD! (Jane rushes off to search for something to break Trent free) TRENT: You "love" me, Daria? DARIA: (blushing) I always did. I just didn't know it. I'm not big on feelings, Trent. TRENT: That's cool...................because I love you, too. Thanks for not bailing on me. (Daria and Trent simply look at each other. They don't need to say anything more......) (Jane returns a few moments later, sporting an ax) JANE: I hate to interrupt this "Romeo & Juliet" scene, but we have to get out of here! TRENT: You're gonna bust me out with THAT?! JANE: Sure! I can carve great, I'm an existential artist, remember? TRENT: I just hope I don't end up like your last sculpture.................... (Jane takes a swing and misses Trent's handcuffs. Instead she hits the pipe he's chained to and it breaks. Trent wiggles free from the pipe.) JANE: OK, I missed the cuffs, but he's free and in one piece, isn't he? (Daria and Trent just glare at Jane) JANE: What? TRENT: How do I get out of these cuffs? JANE: How about with that key in the cabinet? (Daria looks at the cabinet and takes out a cuff key.) DARIA: You knew there was a key?! JANE: Of course. TRENT: Why didn't you use that?! JANE: Well, there was no other way to get Daria to fess' up about her feelings. DARIA: Jane, if we survive this ordeal, remind me to kill you. JANE: Roger Wilco! (Cut to shot of Upchuck's room as he opens the safe. he removes as much money as he can carry, the ring, and Daria's book. He reads the note and looks at Jane's picture) UPCHUCK: (enraged) No one does this to Charles Rutthiemer III! (Upchuck heads back down the hall and finds DeMartino pounding away on the same door.) UPCHUCK: What are you doing here?! DEMARTINO: Uh, Daria is in THERE with her friend JANE! (Upchuck looks down the hall and sees Trent, Jane, and Daria climbing up from "E" deck.) UPCHUCK: No She's not, she's heading for the lifeboats. That's where we should be going! (Cut to a shot of the main deck. People are scrambling like mad to get to a lifeboat. They only let on women and children, and Ms. Barch seems to be enjoying her job a little too much.) BARCH: Come through, sister. Let her through! you can bring you son......if you MUST...........he'll only grow to be a lying cheating MAN! (A man tries to rush through and get on. Ms. Barch quickly shoots him) I'll shoot any man that tries to rob us women of our lives by stealing room on these boats! (Flashes an evil grin) (Trent, Daria, and Jane decide to avoid that lifeboat and head down the line. they come to a less crowded one where they are ushered to the front of the line.) JOEY: Women and children only! Ms. Quinn I saved you a seat. JEFFY: I saved you two! JAMIE: I saved you a blanket! QUINN: Oh, you guys.............. SANDI: Like do they expect us to get off this ship WITHOUT our outfits? DARIA: Oh I don't think THAT will be a problem...............(Daria and Trent smirk) JOEY: We need more women and children here! (Helen approaches) HELEN: Daria! There you are! I want you to get on this lifeboat right now, young lady! (Jane is ushered onto the boat, then Helen) JANE: Come on, Daria. DARIA: Can Trent come too? JEFFY: Sorry, women and children only. TRENT: Go, Daria. I'll catch another boat. DARIA: Trent, there aren't enough boats. Not enough by half. JANE: Come on, Daria. Trent will be OK...............or something. HELEN: (has had enough of Trent) Daria, get away from that low-class trash and get on this lifeboat now! DARIA: No. Go to hell, Mom. (Daria walks to the next lifeboat. Helen's lifeboat lowers as she begs the officers to wait) JANE: Daria!...................Trent, get her off this ship............ TRENT: I will. JANE: And try to get yourself off, too................ TRENT: You know I will. I can't die before I start my band! JANE: That's the spirit, buck-o! (Jane's boat lowers out of sight as Trent goes after Daria.) (Daria is waiting for another boat as Upchuck and DeMartino appear next to her) UPCHUCK: There you are, Daria. Need a boat? DARIA: Leave me alone, Upchuck. UPCHUCK Now don't play hard-to-get..............it isn't the time. (Trent catches up with Daria) UPCHUCK: Get on the boat, Daria and put my engagement ring on............. DARIA: Why? UPCHUCK: One of the boats on the other side is letting men on...........for a price. If you agree to come back to me, I'll see that your friend here gets a seat. (He puts the ring on Daria's finger) DARIA: You really don't get it, do you, Upchuck?! I'd rather die a slow death in that frigid water then marry you! (She gets out of the boat) we'll get our own seats in a boat, thank you! (Upchuck grabs her by her right arm) UPCHUCK: YOU'D DUMP ME FOR HIM?! (Daria pulls away, drops to one knee and punches Upchuck in the balls...............with the ring. Upchuck falls to the floor and yelling in pain............his voice is about eight octaves higher.) DARIA: I warned you, didn't I? TRENT: Whoa................remind me never to piss you off, Daria. (Trent and Daria head to the other side to look for a boat that will let men on. Upchuck recovers enough to withdraw DeMartino's gun and goes after them) UPCHUCK: DARIA! (Daria turns and sees Upchuck poing a gun at them) DARIA: Look out, Trent! (A bullet misses them by inches. Daria pulls Trent through a door to a stairwell. Daria and Trent head below, Upchuck chasing them and firing again and again. Daria and Trent race through the dining hall as Upchuck empties the gun) (Upchuck checks his pockets........then starts laughing. DeMartino approaches approches with an unstable look on his face.) DEMARTINO: CHARLES! No the you have EMPTIED my gun, throwing away what LITTLE leverage we had with the OFFICERS to persuade them to let US on a boat, and in essence KILLED us, would you mind TELLING me what's so FUNNY?! UPCHUCK: I put the ring on her finger.........................and she got away! (Cut to a shot of the other end of the dining hall Daria and Trent spot Mr. O'Neill) DARIA: Mr. O'Neill, what are you doing here? O'NEILL: Oh, Daria. I just thought I'd stay here. TRENT: Why? O'NEILL: I designed this ship, it's sinking............I didn't make it strong enough. This is all my fault. DARIA: Don't be ridiculous. You didn't steer the boat into the iceberg. You didn't persuade the captain that it would be a good idea to go full speed in iceberg infested waters just to make a few headlines. You didn't want to let those shallow idiots take out a row of lifeboats so they could have a prettier deck. None of this is your fault, so why are you throwing your life away? O'NEILL: You know..........you're right! (He grabs a life-jacket and heads upstairs.) TRENT: Hey, man! Wait for us! (Trent and Daria get up to "B" deck where the gates are closed and no one is getting through) TRENT: Maybe we could go back the way we came................. DARIA: Not too likely. (She points at the stairwell they just climbed......... it's flooded) (Jesse walks up to them looking very confused.) TRENT: Jesse! You're OK. JESSE: What's going on, Trent? This guy screamed for everyone to wake up and put on a life jacket. DARIA: The ship is sinking. JESSE: No way! (Daria and Trent point to the flooded stairwell) TRENT: Way............... JESSE We gotta get outta here! DARIA: (deadpan) Great idea. I would have never thought of that............... (Trent tries to pick up a bench............... But it won't budge.) JESSE: Trent, you're such a wimp. (Jesse lifts it with ease.) (Trent and Jesse each take a side) TRENT: On the count of 3! DARIA: Why don't you just go? JESSE: Whoa, good thinking. (Jesse and Trent charge the gate and demolish it. With the gate gone, the path to the main deck is clear) (Meanwhile, rowing in a lifeboat a few hundred yards away, Jane can do nothing but watch....................and plot the deaths of the Fashion Club) QUINN: Can you believe they made us wear this "white" life jacket?! I mean it's still winter! SANDI: Really. And why do we have to listen to all those people screaming? Can't they just be quiet? JANE: Now I know why Daria stayed on the ship................. (Back on the ship, Jesse, Trent, and Daria look for a boat, and only see one............Ms. Barch's) DARIA: Only one boat left............. TRENT: Daria, you HAVE to take this one. DARIA: I'm not leaving you, Trent. TRENT: This is pretty serious Daria. If you stay, we'll probably both be killed. DARIA: Or I could get on this boat, survive, marry Upchuck and live happily ever after, right? (Meanwhile, Jesse has made his way to the front. Seeing his long hair, leather pants and being too panicky to take a closer look, Ms. Barch shoves Jesse into the boat.) TRENT: Huh? Jesse? What are you doing? JESSE: (In a high-pitched girlie voice) Getting on this boat. And call me Jessica. (Ms. Barch looks around and sees there is only room for one more person. She looks around and the only woman she can see is Daria. Just then, Upchuck comes by and waves a wad of cash in Ms. Barch's face. She smiles and lets him on) DARIA: Hey! What happened to the "No man deserves a spot"? BARCH: Sorry, sister. Money talks and bull ^$% walks. (The last boat lowers and rows away) DARIA: Figures, once again the rich and popular survive at the expense of those who think................ TRENT: What do we do now? DARIA: We stay on this boat as long as we can. We might have a chance if we can hold out till a rescue vessel comes. (Daria and Trent manage to weave through the crowds to the rear of the ship. It's more of a climb then a walk towards the end. The ship is at a 45 degree angle. Trent and Daria look around. Many of the people are praying, crying, and saying their good-byes) TRENT: Why are they doing that? It's like they've given up................ DARIA: Really, I'll pray to God when I meet him. Not before. (Just then, the ship splits, sending the rear half falling back to the sea. The front section sinks and pulls the rear section vertical.) DARIA: Trent..........hold my hand! (Trent holds her hand tight) TRENT: That's nice of you Daria. It's OK to be scared. DARIA: No. You're not wearing a life jacket, you have to hold onto me or the ship will suck you down with it! TRENT: How do you know about all this stuff? DARIA: Let's just say I've known my share tragedy..................hold your breath! (The Titanic sinks out from under them, the suction pulling them down with it. Daria kicks for the surface, while trying to hold onto Trent. Without a life-jacket, though, Trent is being pulled down much harder than she is, and she can't hold on to him. Daria is finally able to break free of the suction and makes it to the surface.) DARIA (gasping for air) TRENT!..................TRENT! (Her voice is being drowned out by the hundreds of others who are floating around near her. But somehow, Trent hears her and makes his way to her.) TRENT: Daria! I'm here. (They embrace each other, trying desperately to keep warm.) (Meanwhile, a few hundred yards away Jane stands up in her boat and takes an oar.) JANE: OK, suction's over, Ship's gone. Time to go. SANDI: Um.......go where? JANE: I dunno. I thought it might be fun to go back and save a few people from a terrible freezing death. Or is that "unfashionable"? TIFFANY: Oh, no, they'll be all wet, it'll ruin this new jacket.............. STACY: Eww, and a lot of them are from "Steerage" QUINN: Eww! I refuse to share this boat with people like that! JANE: You don't have to! I could throw your ass out of this boat and you won't have to worry about it! JOEY: Sit down. We can't go back, they'll swamp the boat! JANE: Yeah, all 4 of em............... JEFFY: There's a lot more than that! JANE: Well, by the time you stop whining about how many there are and we actually GO over there, that's all they'll be! JAMIE: If you don't sit down right now, they'll be one more! (Jane takes the oar in her hand and swings it and nails Joey in the head, knocking him into Jeffy, and knocking him into Jamie.) JANE: Well now that our three officers have met an unfortunate "accident" I declare myself Empress of this lifeboat. (pats the oar in her hand menacingly) Any objections? (A collective "no" is heard through the lifeboat) JANE: Good! Now your Empress commands you to row to those people! STROKE! STROKE! (Meanwhile, Daria and Trent look feverishly for a way to get out of the water.) DARIA: (Shivering) W.....we....won't sssurvive long innnnnn this w......water.....Trent. (Just then, a large, wooden object pops up next to them. It's part of the large crate they had smashed earlier. It's is flat and wide.) TRENT: C.....come onnnnnnnnn, D....Daria. Get on. (Daria climbs up on the crate. Trent tries to join her, but the crate isn't big enough.) TRENT: Stay on, Daria.....................stay on. DARIA: What about you? TRENT: D...don't worry. Iffff I know Janey, she's Empress of her lifeboat by now, and she'll be c c coming back for us......................... (A few minutes pass, the crowd has gotten quiet. Almost all of them have died of hypothermia. Only a few muffled whines can be heard.) DARIA: It's getting quiet.................where the hell is Jane? TRENT: She's coming.................I know she is. DARIA: I'm so cold..................... TRENT: (trying his best to keep up their spirits) YOU'RE c.....cold? At l......least you're out of the w.......water. (laughs a little) DARIA: Wanna switch for awhile? TRENT: Nah.............I'm gonna just sleep awhile............... DARIA: No, Trent! You've got hypothermia. You go to sleep now, and you won't wake up! TRENT: No..............I'm just tired........all that running around......... and stuff..............(he nods off) DARIA: Trent! Trent! Wake up, Trent! (She shakes him, he doesn't move.) Wake up, Trent. (He still doesn't move. a tear runs down Daria's cheek. The sad Celine Dion music starts playing) Trent! Please, wake up..................(She hears a familiar voice and looks to the side) JANE: IS ANYONE ALIVE OUT HERE?! DARIA: (weakly) Trent................Jane's here. (Calling to Jane) Jane............We're over here............... (Her voice is too weak for Jane to hear, then Daria remembers that Trent took something with him. she reaches for his case and takes out his guitar. As hard as she can she jams a chord) JANE: (turning in the direction of the sound, recognizing it as her brother's guitar.) Trent?! Turn around! (She slaps Quinn in the head and the boat heads in that direction. Daria keeps hitting chords to guide Jane to her) (The boat pulls up to them and Daria is hoisted out of the water, she still reaches for Trent, though. Sad music swells) DARIA: Trent..................don't leave me.............. (Same record scratching wound that was heard earlier is heard again and the music suddenly stops as Trent opens his eyes.) TRENT: d....Daria? JANE: TRENT! You're alive! (The three J's pull him into the boat) TRENT: Yeah................I d......didn't die. I t.......told Daria I was j.........just gonna sleep for a w...........while. (Cut back to the Calvesh) OLD DARIA: And all because one overzealous cruise director wanted some headlines............yeah, she got them all right. MACK: So, the ring was still on your finger at this point? OLD DARIA: Yeah, why? MACK: Then the ring DIDN'T go down with the ship at all and I've been wasting my time! KEVIN: And my dad's money! BRITTANY: Who cares?! Finish the story................. OLD DARIA: Well, OK. (Back to 1912. Just after sunrise, the lifeboats are picked up by the CARPATHIA and survivors' names are being taken. A much warmer Daria and Trent are avoiding the name-takers as best they can.) TRENT: I wasn't on the passenger list anyway, so I shouldn't have to do this. But why aren't you, Daria? DARIA: Because I don't want to be found. I was gonna run off with you when we got to New York, remember? It'll be a lot easier now if Upchuck and my Mom think I'm dead. (Jesse walks by and is spotted by Trent) TRENT: Where you goin........JESSICA?! (Jesse turns beet red and runs away, just as Jane comes by) JANE: Dammit! Why'd you scare him off? TRENT: Forget it, Janey. You're already married. JANE: Yeah, but it looks like I can't go by Jane anymore. You guys'll have to start calling me Molly........ DARIA: Why? (Jane holds up a telegram she received from the New York Times describing the story they published about her in that morning's paper. "UNSINKABLE" MOLLY BROWN SAVES 6 VICTIMS FROM NORTH ATLANTIC WATERS AFTER TITANIC SINKING! TRENT: Whoa, you're gonna be famous, Janey. JANE: Yeah, Just when I was starting to get used to my real name again.............. DARIA: It could be worse...................your name could be Daria Rutthiemer................ JANE: Speaking of names.................... (An officer approaches and asks Daria for her name) DARIA: (Thought voice-over) Hmm..........Rose Dawson? No, who'd buy that?............Something that'll throw Mom off the trail............but will really piss her off if she does ever find me. (Speaking) Lane............... Daria Lane. TRENT: Whoa, I thought it was Marshmellow-chipendale or whatever.............. DARIA: It is, I don't wanna be found. Remember? TRENT: Oh, yeah.........forgot. (Back on the Calvesh) BRITTANY: Wait! Trent didn't die? OLD DARIA: Yes. But not until 1982. We got married, had a few kids, but no white picket fence. We ended up in a cabin in Montana. (Kevin regards Daria's photos.) KEVIN: So, if Trent didn't die, how come you're alone in all these pictures? OLD DARIA: Who do you think was holding the camera, brainiac? KEVIN: .....................Uh................Jane? (Mack gets up and leaves Jodie follows. Daria TRIES in vain to explain to Kevin and Britianny that Trent was the cameraman.) (Cut to outside Mack is regarding his cigar. Jodie joins him.) MACK: I was saving this for when I found the ring.................and it's not even HERE! (He throws it away.) (Old Daria enters the room and offers Mack a ring.................the same she wore on the Titanic) OLD DARIA: You sat through that whole story, I figure you deserve SOMETHING for your trouble. MACK: You're giving this to me?! Just like that?! It must be worth millions! OLD DARIA: What am I gonna do with millions at my age? Besides, you shouldn't have to be forced to share this small space with those two half-wits.......... MACK: Wow.........thanks. This is my ticket out of here! (Mack walks off ecstatic) (Cut to scene of Daria asleep in her bed. She seems to travel to the Titanic. The old shipwreck is suddenly made new again. Daria sees all the people she loved waiting for her on the Titanic....................Needless to say it's still pretty much a ghost ship. Only three people are there waiting for her. Jane and Jesse greet her at the bottom of the staircase and at the top, is Trent. Trent takes Daria in his arms and we see that she is young again.) TRENT: Daria..........................Daria.................(He begins to shake her, harder and harder) Daria! DARIA! Wake up! (Cut to Jane's room back in Lawndale. Daria awakes from her dream to find Trent shaking her.) DARIA: Whoa..........that was a weird dream..........wonder where it came from. (She looks down and sees a box from Blockbuster Video labeled "Titanic") DARIA: That explains it................. TRENT: Explains what? DARIA: Nevermind, Trent. TRENT: Janey's waiting for you downstairs. (Gets a silly smile on his face) She's making pancakes! DARIA: I'll be right down. (Cut to later in Jane's room. Trent is rehearsing at Jesse's and Daria has just finished telling Jane about her dream) JANE: Whoa.................no more "bad movie nights" for you, baby! DARIA: I'll be fine. Just promise you won't rent "Casablanca" JANE: Aww, come on! Trent would look so cool as Bogart! DARIA: Funny. Don't tell Trent about this, OK? JANE: Don't worry, I'd never insult him by telling him he played a role Leonardo DiCRAPio played. But maybe there was a purpose behind this dream. DARIA: And what would THAT be? JANE: You know that part where you thought Trent died before you got a chance to tell him how you felt? DARIA: Yeah.............. JANE: Hey, maybe you should tell him for real before something unexpected happens. DARIA: Or maybe you're on the yenta offensive again. JANE: Hey, either way, you should tell him..................before you hit a giant iceberg. (Daria flips jane off again as the end credits roll)