THE REST OF MY DAMN
LIFE: A Ranting Klown series
EPISODE 10
YOUNG
LOVE ON THE GRASS
(Daria meets a new figure,
while Neill laments Christie's infatuation with Sandi)
Scene I (INT, MORNING,
Daria and Neill's Room)
DARIA
I was quite close to giving in
as well.
JANE
Sounds like you've had a rough
night
DARIA
I've had a rough life
JANE
Good Point...just a
question...what did you talk to my brother about?
DARIA
Nothing much...you know...the
usual...
JANE
Because you and Trent don't
really have conversations as such...
DARIA
Fine, let me rephrase it.
Nothing much...you know...how we could best torture you.
JANE
Fine...So you came close eh?
DARIA
Yeah...I guess it was because I
was vulnerable...
JANE
And how did you become
vulnerable pray tell?
DARIA
Well, after my phone call with
JANE
Ah Ha!
DARIA
Damn.
JANE
Lane 1, Morgandorffer 0.
DARIA
Anyhow...I started thinking
about all this growth crap, and how I'm not ready for it.
JANE
Growing up hey?
DARIA
I guess you could say that...I
just wanted to go back to what I knew...you know?
JANE
I guess so. It was like that
time I tried out a different brand of glue gun...I wasn't comfortable with it...so
I went back to the old model.
DARIA
That was either metaphorical
or very stupid.
JANE
I like to think it was the
first. You know, now you've made this choice, you've got to live with it.
DARIA
I suppose your right.
JANE
Bah. I've had enough heady
emotional content for one day. Did I tell you about the new sculpture I'm
working on?
DARIA
The one totally comprised of 5
day old nacho cheese?
JANE
No...
DARIA
Hmmm....apt.
JANE
That's what I thought. Why let
a national scandal go to waste?
DARIA
Exactly. Now if only we could
cover
JANE
I hear that.
(Neill enters)
NEILL
Did I hear something about
Rupert Murdoch?
DARIA
No...we were talking about Boxes
not working.
NEILL
Oh.
JANE
Hey...is that Neill?
DARIA
Down Lassie.
JANE
Come On! Let me talk to him!
DARIA
No....I better go before I puke...
JANE
Okay Amiga
(Daria hangs up phone)
NEILL
So...Daria...what's new?
DARIA
Apart from the secret weapons
project?......I've said too much.
NEILL
So nothing?
DARIA
I guess so
NEILL
Why did Tom have to leave 2
days early again?
DARIA
Parents got wind that he
wasn't coddled in comfort and sent him to a hotel.
NEILL
Ok. If you ever want to talk
about anything...you know where I am...
DARIA
With your lifestyle?
NEILL
Hmm...True...just leave a message
on the fridge, and I'll get back to you as soon as I can.
DARIA
Wow...that's so comforting I may
just reveal who I really am.
NEILL
Really?
DARIA
No
NEILL
Damn. Me and Christie are
going to check out the talent downtown...want to tag along?
DARIA
As much as I want to go spy on various
women's body parts...I really don't want to...besides...I have class.
NEILL
Suit yourself
(Neill leaves)
Scene II (INT,
MORNING, CHRISTIE'S ROOM)
(Neill knocks on the door)
(Sandi answers)
SANDI
Ahh...if it isn't the filthy
slug...
NEILL
Whatever Germaine...Is Christie
around?
SANDI
I'll get her for you...
(Christie comes to the door,
whilst Sandi leaves)
CHRISTIE
Hey Neill, I'm afraid I can't
go.
NEILL
Being kept on a short leash?
CHRISTIE
I wish. I'm going to a movie
with Sandi.
NEILL
Oh...
CHRISTIE
Jealous?
NEILL
A little. Which movie?
CHRISTIE
Singin' in the Rain.
NEILL
Singin' in the Rain? You? I
didn't have you pegged as the show tunes type of chick.
CHRISTIE
Well, you've got to have a
hobby. Mine's watching films from the 50's and critiquing them as post -modern
propaganda...
NEILL
I collect beer cans. Besides,
I thought you did biology.
CHRISTIE
I do
NEILL
Shouldn't you be doing Film
studies or something?
CHRISTIE
Probably, but what'll my folks
say?
(Neill gives Christie a look)
CHRISTIE
I don't need more ammunition
in their corner this Thanksgiving
NEILL
Whatever...I guess I'll see you
around.
CHRISTIE
I'll give your love to Sandi.
NEILL
Yeah...sure...see ya.
(Neill leaves and Christie
regards Neill's last remark)
SANDI
We ready to go?
CHRISTIE
Sure... (Regards Sandi)...Damn...you
look hot!
SANDI
Down girl. At least wait until
were in the theatre and we can freak out the over 55 demographic
CHRISTIE
Ah yes...freaking out the
squares...one of my favourite pastimes...that and teasing the boys. They know they
can't touch, but they look all the same.
SANDI
I know I'd look
CHRISTIE
Sappy, but I like it.
(They kiss)
Scene III (INT, LATE
MORNING, LECTURE HALL)
PROFESSOR
And finally, I'd like to
remind everybody that Semester exams are in 3 weeks and counting. Also, I'd like
to see Daria Morgandorffer and Preston O'Malley.
(Everybody leaves)
BRAD
(To Daria) Looks like you're
in trouble......
(Daria goes up to the front of
the class. Followed by
(
PROFESSOR
Ahh...If it isn't my two most
promising young students...
What's this about?
PROFESSOR
I'll get to that...but first,
I'd like to ask you both about exactly how you're finding the difficulty of
work.
DARIA
No offence, but its child's play
An extremely stupid child at
that.
PROFESSOR
(Chuckles) Well, I'm glad to
hear that. I'll cut to the chase. I'm offering you two the chance to transfer
to a different class that I'll be running soon. It's basically a film studies
class, but I like to kick it up a notch. I'd really like a class capable of
deconstructing Metropolis without a study aid.
Will this cost me any more
money?
PROFESSOR
Ahh...that's the beautiful part.
After years of lobbying the usually tight purse strings of Dean Black, I was to
finagle it so it would replace your normal class.
DARIA
So...It's basically just a
harder class?
PROFESSOR
Precisely.
Sounds cool
PROFESSOR
And you Daria?
DARIA
Sounds Okay...I guess.
PROFESSOR
Great, the class will run
after the examinations. I suggest you two get to know each other. You're the
only Freshmen I've invited to this class, and if the other students find out,
well, regrettably, they'll underestimate your abilities and gang up on you as
it were. You two will need to stick up for each other.
(
Scene IV (EXT, LATE
MORNING, COURTYARD)
(Daria and
Okay, I'm only going to say this
once. Yes, I did grow up in the ghetto.
DARIA
Okay then....Yes, I did grow up
in the suburbs.
(
Sorry, it's just that in this
town, people are curious as to my lifestyle
DARIA
Well, you're an African
American in
Mostly. And we're going by
black now.
DARIA
Good to know.
It always is
DARIA
So, why exactly did you come
to
Well, I had to get out of that
place, and this town seemed as far removed from that life as possible.
DARIA
Seems plausible
Plausible? What, are you with
the Tax Department or something?
DARIA
Sorry.
Don't worry about it.
DARIA
Okay.....How did you get the
money to get here...if you grew up in the ghetto, if I may ask?
You may. 15 straight games of
dice.
(Daria gives him a surprised
expression)
Not really. Just saving all my
life. And 10 scholarships. So, I basically have to get straight A's to stay
here.
DARIA
So why did you choose to do a
harder course and jeopardize your future here?
At the end of the day, why go
to College if you're not challenging yourself? If I wanted to become just rich,
I would've become a pimp.
(Daria gives him a surprised
look)
Okay...not really. Hey, I heard
you were staying in the International dorms, what's up with that anyway?
DARIA
Well, they basically get a modern
apartment, and instead of paying for it in their tuition fees, they pay rent to
the College, and all they have to do in return is go home and tell everybody
how wonderful...and historic Raft is...
Damn....and all every other
freshmen get is a really crappy dorm....So why did you sign up to the class?
DARIA
Well, as weird as it may seem,
being 10 weeks ahead of the class get a bit tiresome after a while
I hear that
(Neill walks by)
DARIA
Neill
(Neill turns around)
NEILL
Oh, Sorry Daria didn't see you
there. You're not in my field of vision short stuff, who's your mate?
NEILL
O'Malley? Irish roots?
Vaguely...hey...are you Neill
Hayden?
NEILL
The very same, want an
autograph?
Hardly. Hey, why don't you
ever play a little Hip-Hop or R&B on your show?
NEILL
Well mate, as you may have
noticed,
Good point
DARIA
Shouldn't you be in town right
now?
NEILL
Yeah, but Christie's girl
showed up and now their watching Singin' in the Rain.
DARIA
Singin' in the Rain?
NEILL
Tell me about it.
I always wondered how Debbie Reynolds
managed to keep up with Gene Kelly and Donald O'Connor while wearing heels in
Good Mornin'...
(Neill and Daria look at
What? A brother can't admire
the classics?
DARIA
I guess so; it's just that you
grew up in the ghetto...how did you get to watch Singin' in the Rain?
Well, one day I went down to
the Library, and found this book that had a list of the best movies of all time
in there. It was then my mission to watch those films on the list. Then it was
a case of getting bootlegs off the street.
NEILL
And you like all sorts of show
tunes?
Shut your ass up
NEILL
Sorry mate, does seem a little
queer...Hey, Daria, do you want to go and grab some lunch in town? I'm trying to
teach the boys to play
DARIA
You're paying right?
NEILL
I wouldn't have asked
otherwise...I mean the chances of you going to lunch with someone if there wasn't
free food?....
DARIA
Good Point...Okay... (Turns to
Likewise... (Regards Neill)
Neill
NEILL
(
Scene V (EXT, DAY,
SANDI
I never got why Debbie
Reynolds didn't just bitch slap Gene Kelly's condescending ass...
CHRISTIE
Don't play postmodernist bitch
with me missy...I heard you singing along too...
SANDI
Can't a girl appreciate the
classics? (In girly voice)
CHRISTIE
I love it when you play all
girly on me
SANDI
You love it when I play bad
cop too....
CHRISTIE
Not my fault that you're damn
sexy
SANDI
I love being in a new
relationship
CHRISTIE
Me Too! Wow! We keep on
finding things we have in common...
(They walk around the corner;
Neill and Daria walk to where Christie and Sandi just were)
NEILL
So...Daria...can I ask what you
think of Sandi?
DARIA
Seems OK....why do you ask
NEILL
Nothing...nothing...it's just
that....
DARIA
I take it you don't like her?
NEILL
Not really, it's just that she
thinks I'm a penis with blonde hair...
DARIA
That's what I thought for a while
there....just give her time...and she'll come around...
NEILL
Yeah....but you weren't rude
about it...she is...
DARIA
Really...I didn't sense
any....malice between you two at that dinner thing...
NEILL
Well, we wanted to keep quiet
about it....you know...Christie
DARIA
Oh....
NEILL
Yeah...
DARIA
You know...there's one thing I
always wanted to know about you...
NEILL
You Daria? Curious? Has the
world gone mad!
DARIA
(Ignoring his musings) Why are
you on the one hand, a protégé to Hugh Hefner, and on the other, an apprentice
of Martha Stewart?
NEILL
Dunno, guess I just kinda grew
up that way...Someone had to care for the family after mum died, and so I grew up
nurturing people, Guess it's ingrained in me...
DARIA
You volunteered to look after your
family?...aren't you the youngest?
NEILL
Yeah... I guess so....I just
felt I had to do it...don't know why...but I had to...
(Neill looks at a book he's
carrying)
NEILL
According to this guide book,
this shop ahead is run by two eccentric Kiwi's, they might know where to get a
ball...
(They walk ahead)
DARIA
What the hell is a Kiwi?
Scene VI (INT, DAY,
SHOP)
(Daria and Neill walk up to
the counter)
SALESPERSON #1
Hey bro. What brings you to
our fine establishment?
NEILL
I want some fush und chups. (Laughing)
SALESPERSON #2
An Aussie eh bro....don't steal
anything...
SALESPERSON #1
Like Phar
Lap
SALESPERSON #2
Or Russel Crowe
SALESPERSON #1
Sam Neill
SALESPERSON #2
The Finn Brothers...
DARIA
Do Australians have a rivalry
with everybody?
NEILL
Pretty Much....anyhow...I'm
looking for a
SALESPERSON #1
We have a couple out the
back...but they're not for sale....unless you do something for us bro....
NEILL
I don't know where to find any
sheep in
SALESPERSON #2
Very funny......you wanker. We
need an inside centre for a game were playing on Wednesday, you look the likely
sort...for a wanker...
NEILL
They play
SALESPERSON #1
Yeah bro...all the ex-pats get
together in
NEILL
Sounds sweet...
SALESPERSON #2
Choice Bro...here's the ball
(Salesperson #2 throws Neill a
rugby ball)
NEILL
Thanks.....Look over there! Dan
Carter!
SALESPERSON #1
Where?
NEILL
Made you look!
Scene VII (EXT, DAY,
DARIA
I believe you said something
about a free lunch?
NEILL
I did too...
(Neill checks his wallet and
finds nothing)
NEILL
Damn...I get paid tomorrow
(Brad walks by, guitar in
hand)
NEILL
Bazza! Mate! You're a
lifesaver!
BRAD
And you're a Park Ranger?
(Daria and Neill look at Brad)
BRAD
What? I thought we were
playing the 'give each other prospective careers game'...I was going to give
Daria evil Genius....but you're not evil are you Daria?
DARIA
Apathetic mostly, if I can be
bothered...
NEILL
Whatever....mate....can I borrow
your guitar?
BRAD
Dude, this is your guitar
NEILL
So it is....(Takes
guitar)....Daria, can I borrow your coat?
BRAD
Yes....give him the coat....
DARIA
What's in it for me? I mean, If I'm going to catch pneumonia...I want it to be for a damn good
reason...
NEILL
A free meal?
DARIA
You're already down a meal.
NEILL
I mean tonight...I'll cook for
you so you don't have to eat from that awful cafeteria....(Neill
Shudders)
DARIA
Okay Lurch, you're on.
(Daria hands Neill the coat)
(Neill starts to put the coat
on the ground, and begins to play 'She Will have her Way' by Neill Finn)
(Some time passes while a
small crowd gathers)
SALESPERSON #1
Bro! You Aussies have to stop
stealing our stuff!
(Walks off in disgust)
(Brad and Daria are sitting in
a grass area nearby)
BRAD
So...Daria...what's new?
DARIA
Nothing much...I'm leaving class
though...
BRAD
You are? (Concerned)
DARIA
Yeah, I'm finding the work too
easy...(notices Brad's expression)...but don't worry...I can
still tutor you...
BRAD
What? Tutor? Oh yeah....cool...
DARIA
Are you okay?
BRAD
Yeah...I think so...just thinking
of some lyrics....
DARIA
Cool
BRAD
You know...I think this is the
first time I've seen your shoulders...
DARIA
First time for a lot of
people....except for Neill...the less said about that the better...
BRAD
You have nice shoulders...
DARIA
Thanks....so...how are you finding
the course?
BRAD
A lot easier since you started
tutoring me Daria...I thought that nobody could ever teach me all that
stuff....you're smart...
DARIA
You've said that...
BRAD
Oh...did I say you have nice
shoulders?
(Daria hears the applause
coming from the small crowd)
DARIA
I think we should go and check
on Neill
BRAD
Good plan
(Daria and Brad walk over to
the crowd)
WOMAN
(To Neill) Wow...your songs are
so original....and poetic....wow...
NEILL
You know it luv
(Woman giggles)
WOMAN
Here's my phone number...
NEILL
If 666 is Satan's number, then
these are surely the numbers of angels...
(Woman giggles and walks off)
BRAD
How's the haul dude?
NEILL
Pretty good I'd say...but I'm
not used to your currency yet....
DARIA
You're an economics student,
how could you not be used to the currency?
NEILL
Dunno...never been good with
money, I'll leave that to the accountants...
DARIA
Whatever.... (Looks over
shoulder) Uh Oh...looks like we've just run into Johnny Law.
(Police Officer approaches)
POLICEMAN
Do you kids have a permit?
BRAD
We don't need a permit....
(Imitating Jedi Mind Trick)
NEILL
Bazza...that was in a
movie...that's not going to work.....excuse me officer...I have diplomatic immunity...
POLICEMAN
Well can I see your papers
from the embassy sir?
BRAD
You don't need to see Neill's
papers...
NEILL
Run!!!
(Neill and Brad run off, Brad
grabbing Daria)
POLICEMAN
Wait! You punk Teenagers!
Scene VIII (INT, LATE
DAY, DINER)
(Sandi and Christie are having
Afternoon tea)
SANDI
I will say this about the film
though....You've got to admire the commitment of actors back in the fifties, I mean,
they had to do tap dance numbers, nowadays they just have to look grizzled and
jaded, or horribly disfigure themselves to win an Oscar.
CHRISTIE
Yeah, and have you ever
noticed that actors in the fifties could drive through walls, jump off a cliff,
just be done making out, and they'd still look perfect? Stars were stars in
those days...
SANDI
Listen to us...we're basically
old men aren't we?
CHRISTIE
Well...I don't need Viagra
yet.....
SANDI
That's what makes us so good
together...we just get each other....
CHRISTIE
Yeah...
SANDI
Can't wait for you to meet my
sister tonight...
CHRISTIE
Should be cool...I've just got
to drop something off to Neill first...
SANDI
Oh...Neill?
CHRISTIE
Yeah...you met him didn't you?
SANDI
Oh good god yes.....
CHRISTIE
What's that supposed to mean?
SANDI
Nothing...so...change of topic...
CHRISTIE
War? Famine? Hunger? Latest
Boy Band?
SANDI
Hey, you know what I've always
wondered about?
CHRISTIE
Carmen Electra?
SANDI
No....well yes....anyhow, I've
always wondered why you have a self contained dorm with bathroom and stuff,
while everybody else on your campus has dorms.
CHRISTIE
Well, I got there before the
fiscal policy of the administration switched to International Students, so I
got one of the older dorms...in exchange, I pay rent on the room instead of
paying for it in my tuition fees...
SANDI
Makes sense...vaguely...
CHRISTIE
A lot of stuff at Raft doesn't
make that much sense....
SANDI
I'm beginning to get that impression...by
the way, when I'm on, you and your friends can come down, I don't card people...
CHRISTIE
Sweet...maybe me and Neill will
come and get hammered one night...
SANDI
Yeah...cool... (Resignation upon
hearing that Neill might come)
CHRISTIE
You may be able to take
advantage of me....
SANDI
You know I can take advantage
of you whenever I want...
CHRISTIE
Sadly true...
Scene IX (INT, EARLY
EVENING, DARIA'S ROOM/RADIO BOOTH)
(Daria sitting on couch
reading)
(From Radio)
RADIO
Neill Hayden here to take you through
the next hour...that's right Neill got an upgrade! Brought to you by Crazy Karl's
Fish Supply! Come into Crazy Karl's for Crazy deals! There, that's paid the
rent for the next week. Now onto more important matters...the campus hit band The
Random Seagulls will be playing the Pimento this Saturday and my main man, and
lead singer Brad Lee informs me that that they'll be premiering a new single
called "Ode to my Post Modern girl with the Mona Lisa smile"
(Cut to Daria looking
mortified)
RADIO
A mouthful, I know, but here
are some tunes to take your mind off all that nonsense...
(Cut to Neill hitting console,
Christie waiting outside window, Neill motions to her)
(Christie enters)
NEILL
Sup Christie?
CHRISTIE
You're acclimatising to our
culture very well
NEILL
Well thank you...
CHRISTIE
Heres your copy of Citizen
Kane back...
NEILL
Ahh Charles...you know he's my
idol?
CHRISTIE
Really?
NEILL
No, David Boon, but nobody
knows who David Boon is, so I just say Charles Kane...
CHRISTIE
Swell
NEILL
So, I haven't seen a lot of
you around lately...
CHRISTIE
Well, you know what its like
when you just start going out with someone...
NEILL
You're talking to me
CHRISTIE
Good Point. It's just we want
to see each other all the time and such.
NEILL
I'm happy for you...what are you
doing tonight?
CHRISTIE
Meeting Sandi's sister...Sandi
gets off in 2 hours and were going then...
NEILL
Oh...
CHRISTIE
We'll do something
tomorrow...it's sweet that you're jealous...
NEILL
Kinda...anyhow...I could always hook
up with that chick who gave me her phone number when I gave an impromptu
concert on the streets of
CHRISTIE
You do get into some
adventures...don't you?
NEILL
I guess so
CHRISTIE
Okay, I'll see you around
(Christie leaves and Daria
enters)
NEILL
Daria? What the hell?
DARIA
We need to talk
NEILL
Well, we have about 2 minutes
and 12 seconds, shoot.
DARIA
Does Brad like me?
NEILL
What?
DARIA
You heard me...
NEILL
(Trying to avoid direct
questioning) How did you come to that conclusion?
DARIA
"Post modern girl with a Mona
Lisa smile"
NEILL
That could be about anybody.....
(Daria stares at him)
NEILL
Okay, maybe not......fine, he
does, but if you tell anybody I'll have to kill you...mates don't do this crap to
mates...
DARIA
He likes me?
NEILL
Yeah...sure does there short
stuff...
DARIA
Why didn't you tell me
earlier....that could have saved me a lot of embarrassment...
NEILL
As I said, mates don't do that
to mates....you should probably leave now, I have 5 seconds until I'm on air and unless
you really want your personal problems broadcast all over campus for everybody
to hear, I suggest that you....and we're back! I'm putting out a patented Neill
Hayden challenge to our listeners....
(Daria leaves)
Scene X (INT, NIGHT,
SANDIS APARTMENT)
(Sandi and Christie walking
along an apartment block hall)
SANDI
I can't wait for you to meet
Renee
CHRISTIE
You mentioned...
SANDI
Sorry If I'm nervous, it's
just that I want my group to get along with my best girl...
CHRISTIE
Like how I felt about Neill
and Daria
SANDI
I guess so... (Reflecting on the
words)...anyhow, I'll think you like her...has this weird thing for musicians
though...
(Sandi opens door of apartment
to reveal two figures making out in the dark)
CHRISTIE
Neill!
SANDI
Renee!
NEILL
You've got to be joking...
END
-Will this shock ending reveal
the rift between Neill and Sandi to Christie? How will Daria deal with the
infatuations of Brad? Will
(Authors Notes)
**Stay tuned folks! The rift
between Neill and Sandi will be given some context in Christie's life, and
Daria will come to a decision about what direction her life is to take!**
*Questions? Comments?
Postcards from Hell? Ranting_klown@hotmail.com
*