THE REST OF MY DAMN LIFE

THE REST OF MY DAMN LIFE: A Ranting Klown series

 

 

 

 

EPISODE 9

THERE'S NO APHRODESIAC LIKE LONELINESS

(Tom comes to stay for the weekend, but does he have an ulterior motive? Neill and Sandi finally meet)

 

 

Scene I (INT, NIGHT, Neill and Daria's Dorm)

 

(Daria is sitting, reading, when Neill enters)

 

NEILL

Hey short stuff

 

DARIA

Hey

 

NEILL

I won't disturb you...I'm going out again...long story short...the Swedish Gymnasts? It's on. I'll see you again in the morning...

 

DARIA

Ok then...

 

NEILL

Well....see ya short stuff

 

(Neill starts to exit)

 

(Daria suddenly remembers something)

 

DARIA

Wait

 

NEILL

Yeah?

 

DARIA

I told an old...friend that he could stay for a few days...is that okay?

 

NEILL

Yeah...just tell her to bring a slab.

 

(Neill exits)

 

(Daria walks over to phone and dials)

 

TOM

Hello?

 

DARIA

Hey

 

TOM

Oh...hey Daria.

 

DARIA

My roommate says it's ok for you to stay a few days

 

TOM

Cool

 

DARIA

Except you have to bring a 'slab'...if you know what that means...

 

TOM

Perhaps he's a construction worker?

 

DARIA

But where are the other 4 members of the village people?

 

TOM

But more importantly, who cares?

 

DARIA

Good point.

 

TOM

Okay...so I'll be there on Saturday Night some time?

 

DARIA

I have to wait around here all night instead of enjoying my burgeoning social life?

 

TOM

I guess so. I'll see you then.

 

DARIA

Okay then.

 

TOM

Great, I'm looking forward to it.

 

Scene II (INT, Morning, Courtyard)

 

(Neill exits a building in the morning, whistling Waltzing Matilda)

 

(Neill finds the nearest payphone, and dials)

 

DR SMITH

Hello? Dr Smith's office.

 

NEILL

Cockroach. Where's Betty?

 

DR SMITH

Ahh...Neill Hayden. She's off sick. Did you do what I asked of you?

 

NEILL

Yes...I found out all about Daria...but she was less than willing to depart with any information...so I had to use my cunning wiles to get some information out of her.

 

DR SMITH

And?

 

NEILL

By all accounts...I really shouldn't like her. But I do. I dunno....I guess I just feel an affinity with her.  I mean she's intelligent and funny...but she's also naïve and less than willing to open up...she's like the anti-me...I mean I'm intelligent and funny...but...

 

DR SMITH

Hmmm...remember what I said about you not wanting to open up to the wrong person?

 

NEILL

Vaguely

 

DR SMITH

Well....it sounds like she's just afraid of opening up to anyone...

 

NEILL

You may have a point there

 

DR SMITH

So you found somebody you have something very important with in common.

 

NEILL

Which is?

 

DR SMITH

You're both afraid of being totally vulnerable.

 

NEILL

 Sounds like it makes sense...although I did tell her about my mother...

 

DR SMITH

You told someone about her death?

 

NEILL

Yep...

 

DR SMITH

You realise that this is the first person outside your family and me to know about your mother's death...?

 

NEILL

Yes. I know. I know I don't want to tell anyone. I know that I don't want to talk about it. Yet I tell Daria Morgandorffer...I just don't know what's happening with me. Am I suddenly going to get in relationships or something?...because I just can't hack that.

 

DR SMITH

No, I don't think so...I think you've found what we like to call a soul mate.

 

NEILL

So what....? Marry her?

 

DR SMITH

No...you've found someone that you're completely comfortable with. It's not a romantic thing of course. I suggest you don't let this person out of your life.

 

NEILL

Ever?

 

DR SMITH

There will be a time when you can do without her...but for now...you need to have her near you. Tell me, what has your father told you of your mother?

 

NEILL

Dunno....just that she was smart and intelligent

 

DR SMITH

Interesting...

 

NEILL

Listen, I have to go...this phone call is costing me a fortune.

 

DR SMITH

Okay...just call me every so often I feel the next 4 years will define you as a person.

 

(Neill hangs up phone)

 

(Neill walks along the courtyard deep in thought)

 

(He then proceeds to knock a woman of 5' 10" over)

 

SANDI

Watch where you're going Jerk!

 

NEILL

Sorry luv.

 

SANDI

Luv? (Angry)

 

NEILL

Yes? (Confused)

 

SANDI

You feel the need to address me with an emotional endearment even though we just met?!

 

NEILL

What?

 

SANDI

Did you want to sleep with me as well?!

 

NEILL

No....wait...are you offering...because if you are...then yeah.

 

SANDI

No! Pig! All you men are the same!

 

NEILL

Listen Luv! I'm just trying to apologise here...there's no need to go on a tirade like a demented Germaine Greer!

 

SANDI

No! You listen! You're the one who knocked me over and then tried to hit on me!

 

NEILL

What! I wasn't trying to hit on you! I was trying to apologise you quack!

 

(Sandi gives a frustrated noise and then storms off)

 

NEILL

Bitch

 

SANDI

Jerk

 

Scene III (INT, Early Afternoon, Brad's Dorm)

 

(Brad and Daria are studying)

 

DARIA

Now...we've been over Catcher in the Rye yes?

 

BRAD

Yeah...it was cool...

 

DARIA

Okay then...I think we should start a companion piece...Rebel without a Cause

 

BRAD

Wait...isn't that a movie?

 

DARIA

Your powers of perception amaze me...

 

BRAD

Cool...

 

DARIA

(Sighs) Yes, it is a movie...but you're allowed to write about two mediums, as long as the texts correlate...it's called intertextuality...

 

BRAD

Oh...Okay then...

 

DARIA

Like Catcher in the Rye, the films 3 main protagonists are also victim of parental neglect...and this is what leads them to form their own surrogate family and eventually leads to Plato's death.

 

BRAD

What about your family?

 

DARIA

What about my family?

 

BRAD

It kinda sounds like...like you have issues with them....did you like...want to talk about it?

 

DARIA

There's nothing to tell really...my sisters the epitome of everything I despise, my mother's sold out for the money and my fathers on the verge of a nervous breakdown whenever he can't get the milk carton open.

 

BRAD

Same old, same old hey?

 

DARIA

I guess so...what about your family...

 

BRAD

Well...it's just me and my little sister...my parents are always somewhere else...we like...raised each other...

 

(Daria looks surprised)

 

DARIA

Is your little sister an artist? (Apprehensively)

 

BRAD

Little Jamie? Yeah...how did you know...?

 

(Daria looks horrified)

 

DARIA

I have to go....

 

(Daria quickly leaves)

 

BRAD

Wait....I still have no idea what intertexuality means......damn!

 

(Neill enters)

 

NEILL

Hey...I just saw Daria running out of here....what's the deal?

 

BRAD

I have no idea...we were just talking about our families and all of a sudden she goes pale and runs out of the room.

 

NEILL

Hmm...well storming off embarrassed is Daria's style...so mate...what's up with you?

 

BRAD

Well the pigeons have a night gig at the pimento...so that's cool.

 

NEILL

A night gig? Moving up?

 

BRAD

Yeah...we're on our way...but we're not going to lose sight of what's important...

 

NEILL

The Groupies?

 

BRAD

Nah man....it's about the music...

 

NEILL

It always is...mate...I just had the weirdest encounter.

 

BRAD

Weirder than having your tutor run out on you?

 

NEILL

Not sure...never happened to me...but get this...I'm just walking along when I bump into this girl right? I try to apologise and all of a sudden she starts accusing me of cracking onto her and starts calling me a pig.

 

Scene IV (INT, Early Morning, Christies dorm)

 

SANDI

Anyhow...then this guy starts hitting on me...the pig!

 

CHRISTIE

Yep. Creeps on this campus will hit on you for no apparent reason...although I do know where he was coming from...

 

SANDI

Well...thanks...

 

CHRISTIE

Oh! You have to meet Neill.

 

SANDI

Friend?

 

CHRISTIE

Yeah. Really funny, and strangely smart...

 

SANDI

Strangely?

 

CHRISTIE

Yeah...he doesn't seem like the type of guy who would know certain things about the philosophies of Hegel and Nietzsche, but he does.

 

SANDI

Sound cool...I have work tonight but tomorrow I'm free.

 

CHRISTIE

Cool. I really want you two to hit it off.

 

SANDI

Well, I can be pleasant when I want to be...

 

CHRISTIE

Do I really have to say it?

 

SANDI

Would you?

 

CHRISTIE

You're pleasant all the time!

 

SANDI

Awww....

 

CHRISTIE

Besides, the more I can expose you to Daria, the more she'll become comfortable with me and you together.

 

SANDI

What's up with that Daria chick anyhow?

 

CHRISTIE

Well, she's really...really smart. She likes to think that she has everything under control...but under her skin she is a bundle of insecurities.

 

SANDI

And that's why you are fascinated by her?

 

CHRISTIE

What are you implying?

 

SANDI

Nothing....it's just that you talk about her a lot.

 

CHRISTIE

Well, I'm not into her if that's what you're saying...why would I be? I got you right here.

 

SANDI

Good answer

 

CHRISTIE

The reason I...and Neill...are so fascinated by her is because her life is one demented soap opera...and little by little it becomes more interesting...

 

SANDI

I suppose that makes sense...

 

CHRISTIE

Believe me...it does...her friend is coming tomorrow...so that gives me and Neill the chance to interrogate her.

 

SANDI

I think I get it...

 

Scene V (INT, Day, Daria and Neill's Dorm)

 

(Daria rushes into the room and grabs the phone)

 

DARIA

This gets resolved now!

 

(Daria Dials)

 

JANE

Hello?

 

DARIA

Hey

 

JANE

Ola Amiga!

 

DARIA

Yeah...is Trent there?

 

JANE

What is it with you and Trent anyhow?

 

DARIA

Nothing...there's just some things I have to say to him so my sanity can remain intact...

 

JANE

Okay....well...that seems...normal...

 

DARIA

Just get him on the phone

 

JANE

You know...you've changed since you started going to college...okay...I'll get him....Trent!

 

TRENT

Hello?

 

DARIA

Hey Trent, it's me.

 

TRENT

Oh...hey Daria.

 

DARIA

Trent, I've got something to confess...

 

TRENT

Hmm?

 

DARIA

You know...for about 2 years I had a crush on you...

 

TRENT

What did you drink?

 

DARIA

What?

 

TRENT

Because if it's absinthe...that stuff is insane...

 

DARIA

No, Trent...I'm not drunk...so...did you know?

 

TRENT

Yeah...I knew...

 

DARIA

You knew? Why didn't you say anything?

 

TRENT

Because all girls go through a stage where they have a crush on someone older....Janie once had a crush on Jesse....don't tell her I said that......I had to let you go through that phase uninterrupted......and then Tom came along, so I thought it was over. Don't get me wrong...it was flattering...

 

DARIA

I guess that makes sense...

 

TRENT

Yeah...I wasn't as oblivious as I seemed...

 

DARIA

So it seems...Trent...can I ask....

 

TRENT

If I ever thought about you?

 

DARIA

Yes...that one.

 

TRENT

Maybe...but you were little Janie's friend you know?

 

DARIA

Yeah...I think I do...

 

(A pause in the conversation)

 

TRENT

Besides...you weren't legal...that would've been a thing I just don't need...

 

(Both laugh)

 

DARIA

Well...thanks...I hope this gives me some closure...

 

TRENT

Sure...

 

(Trent hangs up phone)

 

(Daria hangs up phone and walks to the mirror in the bathroom)

 

DARIA

Jane was right...I have changed.

 

(Knock at the door)

 

(Daria opens to reveal Tom carrying 2 bags)

 

TOM

Hi. Decided to come early. (Looks around) Dammit! I should've gone here instead!

 

DARIA

Bromwell not all it's meant to be?

 

TOM

You could say that... (Enters)

 

DARIA

Well if it makes you feel better, the administration makes us pay rent on the rooms...

 

TOM

Are they allowed to do that?

 

DARIA

'Allowed' isn't exactly in their vocabulary...

 

(Neill enters)

 

(Neill regards Tom)

 

NEILL

G'Day mate! Neill's the name...

 

TOM

Tom

 

NEILL

Thommo...

 

TOM

Just Tom

 

NEILL

So...Thommo...did you bring a slab?

 

TOM

I didn't really know what a slab was...but I brought beer...

 

NEILL

Well, I'll let you off the hook....this time....so you and Daria...old friends hey?

 

(At same time)

 

DARIA

Yes

 

TOM

No

 

(Daria and Tom look at each other)

 

NEILL

Interesting....Thommo...care to give me the hot tip?

 

TOM

Umm...not really sure what that means...but Daria and I used to go out together...

 

NEILL

You're the ex?

 

TOM

I guess so...

 

NEILL

Will you excuse me?

 

(Neill climbs out the window and scales the walls, and then runs across the courtyard)

 

TOM

What was that all about?

 

DARIA

Well, expect the Spanish Inquisition

 

Scene VI (INT, Day, Christie's Dorm)

 

(Christie is hard at work studying when she hears a knock at the door)

 

(She answers to find Neill standing there, quite excited about something)

 

 

CHRISTIE

Neill?

 

NEILL

You know Daria's friend that was coming down for a few days?

 

CHRISTIE

She's here?

 

NEILL

Yep. And it's a he. And he's not only a friend...he's the ex!

 

CHRISTIE

This I gotta see!

 

(They run out of the room)

 

Scene VII (INT, Day, Neill and Daria's dorm)

 

(Tom inspecting his new surrounds)

 

TOM

So...Daria...how have you been?

 

DARIA

I suppose I can't complain...wait...I can. I'm boarding with a protégé to Hugh Hefner, I just got introduced to my friends Girlfriend, and I've had about 3 meltdowns since I got here...you?

 

TOM

Well, when you put it like that...I suppose I can't complain...

 

DARIA

So this Conference....

 

TOM

Yeah...Dad calls me up and says he wants me to represent him there...so when I take over the family business, I'll be able to suck up with the best of them.

 

DARIA

Oh...I'm sorry.

 

TOM

Can't be too bad...I just hope there's an open bar...speaking of open bar...will Neill mind if I take one of his beers? I'm pretty tired after being crammed in a bus with 12 screaming kids and a geriatric hippie whose goal in life was to blast me with partisan rhetoric.

 

DARIA

Well, he is pretty territorial about his beer....but it can't hurt (smiles)

 

TOM

Wow...you've changed

 

DARIA

I know

 

TOM

You seem....happier....do I need to be worried?

 

DARIA

No...we still haven't signed the Kyoto Protocol and a patch of Rainforest the size of Kansas is burned each day.

 

TOM

Ahh...there she is...

 

(Neill and Christie burst in)

 

NEILL

Thommo, Christie, Christie, Thommo...the ex.

 

CHRISTIE

Why did I imagine he'd be wearing glasses? Tom...how do you do?

 

TOM

Fine...I guess

 

CHRISTIE

So...Tom....How was Daria in the sack?

 

(Tom and Daria look embarrassed)

 

NEILL

Christie...its Daria...she doesn't get in the sack to begin with

 

CHRISTIE

Oh yeah...good point...

 

NEILL

Hey...do all people from Lawndale blush like that? It's adorable.

 

(Daria and Christie stare at Neill inquisitively)

 

NEILL

What? I'm allowed to say 'adorable' twice a year...it's in the UN Charter.

 

CHRISTIE

So...Tom...how long are you in town for?

 

TOM

Just the 2 days I'm afraid...

 

CHRISTIE

Well, I'll have to organise something...Neill...got any more money?

 

NEILL

Do you how much it costs to call Australia?

 

CHRISTIE

Fiddlesticks

 

(Daria and Neill look at Christie suspiciously)

 

NEILL

You've changed...

 

DARIA

I don't even know who you are anymore...

 

CHRISTIE

Yeah...well that's what love of a good woman will do. FYI Tom, I'm gay.

 

TOM

Ok then...

 

NEILL

I've got to go to this Lawndale one of these days...

 

CHRISTIE

Anyhow...I'm sure Neill and I can rustle something up for your visit...we can double it up...Sandi's very eager to meet you Neill.

 

NEILL

I'm sure she is. By 'Neill and I'...you mean just Neill don't you?

 

CHRISTIE

You know me too well.

 

NEILL

Okay Thommo...here...8 PM sharp.

 

TOM

I guess it can't hurt

 

DARIA

You weren't here when Neill almost died from the rat poison

 

NEILL

Its one thing to challenge a mans pride Daria, but it's quite another to insult his Fillet Mignon....

 

(All look at him suspiciously)

 

NEILL

I am having such a Brokeback-ey day today. 

 

Scene VIII (INT, Day, Neill and Daria's Dorm)

 

(Tom and Daria lying on the couch, reading)

 

TOM

This is cool...just you and I...hanging out like this...

 

DARIA

Yeah

 

TOM

No sarcastic remark?

 

DARIA

There would be one....but I'm trying to change who I am.

 

TOM

Why? I liked the old Daria...

 

DARIA

I'm still cynical and sarcastic...I'm just willing to give people a shot nowadays...I'm also trying to be a lot more honest with myself and others...

 

TOM

Who are you and what have you done with Daria?

 

DARIA

I'm still here...its just that...I'm happier...

 

TOM

You're freaking me out...does Jane know about this?

 

DARIA

Jane's the one who helped me see that taking a shot doesn't have to end in misery...

 

TOM

Well, for what it's worth...I also like the new Daria...

 

DARIA

Thanks.... (Looks at watch) Damn...I have work....are you going to be okay here?

 

TOM

Sure...

 

(Neill enters with a svelte redhead)

 

NEILL

Damn...forgot Thommo was here.... (To redhead) you better run along...I'll call you tomorrow.

 

(Daria and Redhead leave)

 

NEILL

Not bad eh Thommo?

 

TOM

Sure

 

(Awkward silence)

 

NEILL

So...this Bromwell...what's it like?

 

TOM

It's one of those colleges where who you know is a lot more than what you know.

 

NEILL

Ahh...rich boy's college eh?

 

TOM

I guess you could say that...

 

NEILL

So you have some money in the coffers?

 

TOM

I have a rich family yes...are you going to rob me?

 

NEILL

What is it about people when they assume Australians are going to rob them?

 

TOM

Hmm...I guess being from a country founded by convicts gets you all sorts of attention...

 

NEILL

You don't want to know....damn security guard....anyhow....this conference...

 

TOM

What about it?

 

NEILL

What's it about?

 

TOM

The usual...security futures...just an excuse for the rich to get together and compare net worths...

 

NEILL

Okay...I've had enough of pussyfooting around....why are you really here?

 

TOM

What?

 

NEILL

You come from a rich boy's college...and people going to a convention usually stay in a hotel...especially if it's a meeting of the rich...

 

TOM

What are you saying?

 

NEILL

You have an ulterior motive to coming here...don't you?

 

TOM

Maybe I do...I don't see how it's any of your business...

 

NEILL

It's my business...I'm her roommate.

 

TOM

Fine! I've just been feeling lonely and wanted to see Daria again! Happy?!

 

NEILL

No! I'm not!

 

TOM

What do you want me to say?

 

NEILL

Say that you're not going to try anything with Daria....

 

TOM

I wouldn't do that to Daria...

 

NEILL

Really, because there's no aphrodisiac like loneliness...and if you try anything...it's a knuckle sandwich for you Thommo!

 

TOM

Are you threatening me?

 

NEILL

What does it sound like mate!?

 

(The two exchange intense glares)

 

(Christie enters)

 

CHRISTIE

Hey Guys...

 

NEILL

G'Day Christie!...me and Thommo here have just been having a nice chat about manly things...

 

CHRISTIE

You are aware that I like women right?

 

TOM

Yes

 

NEILL

But we were talking about football

 

CHRISTIE

Enough said

 

(Christie leaves)

 

NEILL

Listen mate...I won't tell Daria why you're here...but I hope you do. We care about her...and we don't want to see her hurt in any way...ok?

 

TOM

Neither do I

 

NEILL

Well good

 

TOM

Okay then...

 

NEILL

Good...

 

(An awkward pause)

 

NEILL

Beer?

 

TOM

Sure

 

Scene IX (INT, Night, Hall/Daria's Dorm)

 

(Christie and Sandi are walking along a hall leading to Neill and Daria's dorm)

 

CHRISTIE

I really hope you like Neill...

 

SANDI

You seem to be hung up on this Neill guy

 

CHRISTIE

I just respect him...you know?

 

SANDI

I guess so...

 

CHRISTIE

I mean...he's a really good friend...and I want my best man and best woman to get along...

 

SANDI

Well, I'll play nice if he does...

 

CHRISTIE

You should have already met him at the restaurant...

 

(Sandi casts her mind back)

 

SANDI

Oh God...Him?

 

CHRISTIE

What?

 

SANDI

No problem...

 

(Christie knocks on Door)

 

(Neill answers)

 

NEILL

Ahh Christie...and this must be....not you!

 

SANDI

Christie...can you go inside for a moment...I need a word with this guy.

 

CHRISTIE

(Confused) Okay...I guess...

 

(Christie goes inside)

 

SANDI

Listen, I don't like you and you don't like me correct?

 

NEILL

Well I don't usually like crazy people accusing me of things...

 

SANDI

From what I've heard...Christie respects you a lot...

 

NEILL

Okay then...

 

SANDI

So let's just try to play nice ok? For Christie's sake...

 

NEILL

I guess I could agree to that.

 

(They both enter)

 

(Sandi regards Tom)

 

SANDI

Now I know Daria...but this guy remains a mystery to me.

 

TOM

Tom...Nice to meet you.

 

SANDI

Likewise...so...who do I have to bribe to get a meal around here?

 

NEILL

That would be me...

 

SANDI

Oh...

 

CHRISTIE

(Nervously) Well....you two seem to be hitting it off....

 

NEILL

Yes

 

SANDI

Quite

 

(Flash forward to meal)

 

SANDI

I've got to say...this really is quite good

 

TOM

Yeah...I didn't have you pegged as the type of guy who could handle a skillet.

 

NEILL

You learn something new everyday

 

DARIA

Like how Australia hasn't signed the Kyoto protocol either...

 

NEILL

You can abuse a man's pride...you can abuse a man's fillet mignon...but don't abuse my country

 

DARIA

Sorry...I forgot that you were a founding member of Men at Work.

 

NEILL

Damn straight...

 

(Flash to Christie and Sandi departing)

 

SANDI

Well, thanks to the chef...

 

NEILL

No worries...

 

CHRISTIE

I'll see y'all around sometime

 

DARIA

Okay Aunt Billy-Bob

 

(Christie and Sandi depart)

 

NEILL

I'll come with you...I've got to do some work down at the station... (Looks at Tom)

 

(Neill Departs)

 

DARIA

Well...I guess it's just us two now...

 

TOM

Yep...

 

(Daria gives out a sigh)

 

TOM

Troubles?

 

DARIA

You could say that...

 

TOM

Want to talk about it?

 

DARIA

Not really

 

TOM

Come on...it'll make excellent fodder for your autobiography...

 

DARIA

Well, I have been meaning to get around to that...I guess it can't hurt. Well...I've been trying to be more open and honest with people...so they don't jump to conclusions like they used to. Now that I have though...I find that I can't stop...I'm finding that I'm doing things I don't want to do...just because rational thought tells me it's a bad idea...yet I still do them....I'm probably not making much sense...

 

TOM

I think I understand...you're finding difficult to be truly vulnerable?

 

DARIA

Yeah...I guess so...

 

TOM

What if I told you I'm having the same problem right now?

 

DARIA

Then I'd listen.

 

TOM

What if I told you that I was feeling incredibly lonely?

 

DARIA

Then I'd listen

 

TOM

What if I told you I missed you?

 

DARIA

(Daria blushes) Then I'd say you're being incredibly honest

 

TOM

What if I told you that I was missing you with all my heart...

 

DARIA

Then I'd ask if you had an ulterior motive in coming here.

 

TOM

And what if I said yes?

 

DARIA

Then I'd be lying if I said I hadn't thought about you.

 

(A long pause)

 

TOM

No...it's not right...I can't...you're vulnerable right now...I'm going to go stay in the hotel for the night...

 

DARIA

Ok....

 

(A long pause...then Tom gives Daria a hug)

 

TOM

Farewell Miss Morgandorffer

 

DARIA

Farewell Mr Sloane

 

(Tom starts to depart, then Daria runs up to him and gives him a kiss on the check)

 

END

 

 

-How will Daria deal with her newly discovered vulnerability? Will Sandi and Neill patch thing up for Christie? Will Brad make a move? How may fleebles in a floogle? These questions and more, answered in coming episodes-

 

(Authors Notes)

 

**I kinda neglected a storyline involving Christie because I came up with this idea. I'm not sure if I executed it right...but hopefully I did**

 

*Questions? Comments? Tom hate mail? Ranting_klown@hotmail.com *