This is a piece of fan fiction which I, Cedric Robert, have written from
the now terminated MTV series "Daria"

Daria
" Paper Cuts"
by Cedric Robert
robert_cedric@hotmail.com

Daria accepts a position on board the school newspaper at Jodie's
request and uncovers a conspiracy involving possibly Mack and the
football team.

(Mr. DeMartino's History class)

Mr. DeMartino: And so class, I was wondering if any of you would be
willing to put your dull-witted senses to good use for a change.

Daria:(to Jane) Those anger management classes really are not working
for him.

Jane: I'd suggest he'd ask for a refund, but then that would probably
make him even angrier.

Mr. DeMartino: Kevin, would you be able to tell me as to why Prohibition
was enforced by the American government following the First World War?

Kevin: (dazed) Pro-hi-what's it? Oh yeah, I remember. Weren't they
trying to prohibit space aliens from coming into the country and taking
over Washington? And didn't they use radio transmissions?

Mr. DeMartino: Very good Kevin, if American history had been written by
William Shatner! Can anyone else give me a plau-sible answer to my
reasonable question?

(no one raises their hand)

Mr. DeMartino: Daria, why did Prohibition take place in the 1920's?

Daria: (wearily) Prohibition was enacted by the federal government
following the First World War to prevent the import and spread of
alcohol within the United States. This policy was before the invention
of AA and the twelve steps program.

Mr. DeMartino: Excellent Miss Morgendorffer. If only your fellow
classmates were as astute and capable. Brittany, can you tell me what
took place after Prohibition?

Brittany: Well, if alcohol was prohibited, then it would really explain
why people were so depressed in the 1930's. I mean, it only makes sense.

Kevin: Good one, babe.

(school hallway)

Jane: That's it, make the rest of us look bad by always ha-ving the
right answers to the wrong questions.

Daria: What are you talking about? He forced me to volun-teer.

Jane: I know he did. But couldn't you have been incorrect for just once
in your life? (giggles)

Daria: Why would I want to do that when I have Kevin and Brittany to do
it for me?

(Jodie walks up)

Jodie: Hey Daria, how's it going?

Daria: My friend here has just accused me of being an acade-mic
show-off.

Jodie: Huh? I was just wondering if you'd be willing to do me a small
favour.

Jane:(cocks her hand to her hear) Is that the sound of some-one's life
going down the toilet? Or is it the sound of college applications being
read?

Jodie:(sarcastically) Ha, ha. Daria, we're a bit short staffed on the
school newspaper. Mr. O'Neill was telling me what a great writer you
are, so I wanted to know if you'd be willing to help us out.

Daria: What made you think that I'd want to help anybody at all?

Jodie: Come on, you can put those writing skills of yours to good use.

Jane: She puts her writing skills to good use. Why just last week she
wrote a riveting piece on the aftermath of the French Revolution.

Daria: I helped Quinn with her homework.

Jane: You say potato, I say. . .

Jodie: If you're interested, why don't you come by the news-paper office
Tuesday afternoon and see what you like.

Daria: Or better yet, see what I don't like.

(the Morgendorffer dinnertable)

Jake:(frustrated) How could I have been so stupid? What was I thinking?
How could I not have known that I could be so wrong?

Helen: There, there Jake. It's not the end of the world.

Jake: Not the end of the world? Not the end of the world, she says? How
would you feel if you had just turned down the largest distributor of
paper weights this side of the Atlan-tic?

Daria: I'd want to take one of those paper weights and for-cefully apply
it to my head.

Helen: Daria! Jake, don't worry. Another prospective client will come
around. You just have to keep looking for the next big break.

Quinn: Oh Daddy, it's not as though anybody really needs any paper
weights. They're like a novelty item, aren't they?

Daria: I use to think of you as a novelty item when you first came
around.

Quinn: Mom!

Helen: Everyone calm down. Now we've heard your father's news, let's
hear someone else's. I just finished the Buckley case and came out with
a glowing victory.

Quinn: I just found out that my favorite make-up company is going to
make a glowing eye shadow.

Daria: I just found out that if I want to be glowing like everyone else,
I should go play near a nuclear power plant.

Helen: Daria, can you not be more upbeat?

Daria: Alright. Well, Jodie Landon asked me to join the newspaper staff.

Helen: Daria, that's great!

Jake: Good for you kiddo!

Quinn: She can't join the newspaper! Think about how she'll embarrass
me! More so than usual.

Daria: What would I do without my usual family support? I'm not even
sure that I want to join.

Quinn: (sighs and relaxes)

Helen: Why not? Daria, this is your chance to let others know how you
feel about your school.

Daria: Anyone who has ever met me knows that already.

Helen: It'll look good on your college applications.

Daria: Why should I try to validate my opinions in the eyes of others
just so that they can feel. . .

Jake: Daria, if you don't like having an after school ac-tivity, you can
always get an after school job.

Daria: Where did I go wrong?

(the newspaper office. Mr. O'Neill and Jodie are sitting in a circle
with Upchuck, Joey, Jeffy, and Jamie, and Brittany)

(Daria quietly enters)

Mr. O'Neill: Now, we want everyone to feel appreciated and to try and
make a valid contribution to the paper. Don't go for the leading stories
and top sensations. Just about what makes Lawndale High great.

(Brittany raises her hand)

Mr. O'Neill: Brittany, we're not in class right now. You're free to
express yourself however you feel comfortable.

Brittany:(lowers her hand) Oh great! I was wondering if I could do a
story on why the cheerleading team needs new uni-forms?

Jodie: I don't think that qualifies as being really news-worthy.

Brittany: If you have been to our last three games, you'd think that it
was.

(Mr. O'Neill notices Daria)

Mr. O'Neill: Daria, I'm so glad to you decided to come.

Daria: As if I had a choice in the matter. So what type of news are we
supposed to be reporting?

Jodie: Daria, since it's your first time here, I was hoping to give you
a lighter piece.

Daria: You mean pointless busy work to hand over to the new person
because no one else wants to do it?

Mr. O'Neill: Oh no Daria! You'll be covering the the winning progress of
the Lawndale Lions!

Daria: But I have no interests in sports, athletics, or any form of
activity which might involve Gatorade!

Upchuck: Well Daria, it's either that, or you can help me with my story
on the datability of Lawndale ladies. Grrrr.

Daria:(looks over at the three J's) What are you guys writing about?

Joey: I'm writing about Quinn's clothes.

Jeffy: I'm writing about Quinn's shoulders.

Jamie: I'm writing about Quinn's feet.

Daria:(pauses) Go Lions! Ra, ra! (fakes enthusiam)

(Daria and Jane sit on bleechers as the Lions practice. Daria has a pen
and notepad in front of her)

Daria: You know, if you happen to have somewhere better to be, I would
strongly urge you to go there.

Jane: And miss the future Pulitzer Prize winning journalism career of
Daria Morgendorffer? Today you're reporting on football, tomorrow it
could be radioactive waste.

Daria: How about tomorrow I just try to dump radioactive waste on the
football team?

Jane: Sounds good to me.

(both watch as team practices)

Jane: So what exactly are you supposed to be doing?

Daria: I'm supposed to be reporting on why the Lions are so unbeatable
and unstoppable. I think those were the words that Mr. O'Neill used.

Jane: Maybe it's due to their team spirit and winning attitude.

Daria: And maybe it's due to something that they put in the water.

(Kevin and Mack come over)

Kevin: Yo Daria, what's goin' on? Mack Daddy and I were won-dering what
you were doing.

Mack: I know what she's doing, and how many times have I told you not to
call me that?

Kevin: So what's the deal Daria? Are you writing about the awesome force
of the Lawndale Lions?

Jane: Oh, you got it all wrong. She's actually writing about what would
happen if the Lawndale Lions really played with lions.

Daria: It would be the latest attraction at Cirque du Soleil.

Kevin: Really? That does sound kinda cool!

Daria: So tell me, what is it that makes the Lawndale Lions just so damn
uncrushable?

Mack: The fact that every team member makes an effort and we work
together to achieve our goal.

Daria: So you respect one and another's abilities?

Kevin: Would the lions have to wear helmets too?

Mack: Could we move on to the next question?

Daria: Alright. Do you think that for the school to put so much emphasis
on athletics takes away from the importance of the academic curriculum?

Kevin: Well, we don't have to worry about 'academics' that much, since
Coach Moore talks to the profs. 

Daria: Huh? What are you talking about?

Mack: Yeah, Kevin. What are you talking about?

Kevin:(shocked) Um, nothing. Hey Mack Daddy, we better get back to
practice. See you girls later.

Jane: Assuming that I'd want to see you at all, I'd have to say that
that's highly unlikely.

(Kevin drags Mack off)

Daria: What do you suppose Kevin meant by that?

Jane: Meant by what?

Daria: That Coach Moore 'talks' to the teachers?

Jane: I'm not sure, but I sense a conspiracy underfoot. (runs hands
together and makes and a grin) An evil conspiracy.

Daria: Daria Brocovich to the rescue!

(Coach Moore's office)

Coach Moore: Miss Morgendorffer, what type of questions was it that you
wanted to ask me?

Daria: Well, I was kinda wondering about the academic per-formance of
the school football players. Does that factor into their athletic
achievements?

Coach Moore: So long as my boys attend all their classes, that is all
that I care about.

Daria: But what about how well they do in those classes? Shouldn't that
be taken into consideration?

Coach Moore: Miss Morgendorffer, I'm not running a team of Rhode
scholars or making them apply for Fullbright scho-larships! I just want
them to be prepared to go out there and win.

Daria: At any cost? What if they're having trouble in school?

Coach Moore: Look, if any of my boys happens to have slipped just a
little in any class, I go to speak to the teacher on his behalf. The
rule is that if his overall average falls below a C+, he's off the team.
I just talk to the teacher and convince them that that student needs a
little bit of extra encouragement.

Daria: (stunned) What? But is that fair to the other stu-dents who have
to work very hard and study as much as possible to earn their grades?

Coach Moore: Daria, I told you. Most of the guys on the football team
aren't killing themselves over college appli-cations. The football team
is here to make the school look good and gain acclaim.

Daria: (remains silent)

(in the school cafeteria)

Daria:(sits down next to Mack) Can I talk to you for a mo-ment?

Mack: If I said no, I don't think that that would even stop you.

Daria: You weren't aware that Coach Moore was having little heart to
hearts with the teachers, were you?

Mack: Is this going to be on, or off the record?

Daria: A little of column A, a little of column B.

Mack: No, I didn't. I knew something was going on, but I wasn't sure
what. 

Daria: Mostly because you've maintained a B+ average for as long as I
can remember.

Mack: (bewildered) I did find it a little weird when Kevin suddenly
didn't have to worry about last term's English final paper. 

Daria: Mack, do you really think that it's fair that students are
getting a free ride just because they happen to be on the football team?
What about those of us who aren't interested in sports?

Mack: Look Daria, some people aren't as fortunate as you to have brains
and the keen ability to use them. It isn't as easy for  some to get good
grades as it is for others. So, you start to look for the achievements
that you can make.

Daria:(shortly) So what, I should feel guilty because I stu-dy and make
the effort to get the grades that I deserve? Where's the logic in that?

Mack: Welcome to the world of high school academics, my friend.

(the newspaper office. Jodie and Mr. O'Neill are reading over papers.)

Daria: Hey Jodie. Did you get a chance to read that story I wrote up for
you on the football team?

Jodie:(evasively) Yeah, I did. I found it rather. . . um, illuminating
and insightful. May I ask who your source on this was, or would that be
compromsing your journalistic in-tegrity?

Daria: Yeah, mostly because they're in the Witness Protec-tion Program
and if I reveal their whereabouts, they'll end up meeting some guy named
Johnny No-Thumbs.

Mr. O'Neill: Daria, I thought that your story was, well, quite
fascinating for a preliminary effort.

Daria: What do you mean by 'preliminary'?

Jodie: Well, it's really well written and hard-nosed. . .

Mr. O'Neill: A real tribute to the tough, gritty, realistic world of
modern American journalism.

Jodie: But Daria, I'm afraid that we can't publish it.

Daria:(shocked) What are you talking about? You sent me out to write a
story about the football team, and I did.

Jodie: About the Lawndale Lions's winning streak, not some conspiracy
theory about having grades raised.

Daria:(firmly) It's not my fault that I happened to come across a
grade-laundering scheme! I had a duty to report it to my fellow students
and the school. Isn't that what so-called tough, gritty, and realistic
modern American journa-lism is supposed to be about?

Mr. O'Neill: Oh but Daria, no one's saying that your piece wasn't in
tune with journalism.

Daria: Then what are you saying?

Jodie: That it takes into account too much of your own per-sonal opinion
and negates a lot of facts.

Daria:(surprised, then calm) I see what this is about. Our designated
editor-in-chief is worried that my article might tarnish the otherwise
spotless reputation of her quarterback boyfriend!

Jodie: That's not fair! I never said that!

Mr. O'Neill: Now now girls, let's all calm down and. . .

Daria: Look Jodie, I didn't ask to be put on this staff. You came to me.
You wanted me to report about what I saw, and what I saw was a group of
high school football players getting a free ride because they happened
to be high school football players. Consider yourself lucky that I
brought this to you, and not to the superintendant. You're a good one to
talk about journalistic integrity, seeing as how you don't have any!

Jodie: That's sounds vaguely like a threat!

Daria: And this is going to sound vaguely like a disgusted and repulsed
adolescent slamming the door behind her on the way out!

(Daria leaves and slams the door as she's going)

(the Morgendorffer house, Daria's bedroom)

(Daria lies face down on her bed)

(phone rings)

Daria: Hello?

(split screen between herself and Jane)

Jane: Hey there Barbara Walters! What new ungodly phenome-nons and
political schemes have you yet to uncover?

Daria: How about the phenomenon of the teenage girl who decided to die
in her bedroom after a lifetime of neglect and humiliation?

Jane: I take it that Jodie and Mr. O'Neill weren't too keen on your
story.

Daria: Either that, or aliens have landed and have decided to take over
Lawndale by starting with our school.

Jane: You know Daria, you really shouldn't let this get you down.

Daria: And why not?

Jane: Daria, no one ever said that being a whistle blower meant that you
could be the life of the party.

Daria: That's unlikely, seeing as how I was never invited to the party
in the first place.

Jane: Look at it this way. Lawndale High is known for its stellar
football. If it gets out that the football players are getting a boost
now and then at every moment that their grades are starting to slip,
well. . . it doesn't say very much for the integrity of the school
administration.

Daria: I know. Look, I'll see you tomorrow. I'm feeling kinda low right
now.

Jane: No problem. Don't lose sleep over this.

Daria: Don't worry, I'll be up all night sitting on the roof with
baseball bat in case any vampires attempt to kidnap me or anyone I know.

Jane: Sounds like a plan. See ya.

(both hang up)

(Daria enters living room where Helen is reading the news-paper and Jake
is on the phone).

Jake: No Roger, I never said that paper weights were a thing of the
past. (pause) What? No, I said that with the inter-net, I wouldn't be
surprised if paper was a thing of the past. (pause) What do you mean
that might anger environmen-talists?! Are you an environmentalist?!
(pause) Oh, you are? Well, does that mean you were a tree hugger? (dial
tone) Hello? Hello?

Helen: So good to see that you're getting back on your feet, Jake. (sees
Daria) Hi honey.

Daria: Hey. Can I ask you something? (sits down next to He-len)

Helen: What is it? Something wrong?

Daria:(sighs) Mom, do you think it's always a good idea to tell the
truth no matter what?

Helen: Daria, that depends on the circumstances and whether or not the
truth is being used to hurt someone else.

Daria:(pauses) You ask a lawyer an ethical question, you get a lawyer's
unethical answer.

Jake:(dials number) Hi, Milton? Jake Morgendorffer here. I was wondering
if you'd be interested in promotions for. . . um, what is it that you
sell again?

Helen: Jake, put down that phone and listen to your daughter!

Jake: Huh? No Milton, that wasn't my wife, that was the t.v. (looks over
at Helen's cross face) Um, gotta go. Call you. (hangs up) What's going
on?

Daria: Jodie wanted me to write a story about the winning streak of the
football team, and I found out that their winning streak was due to an
otherwise morally lacking coach who used his influence to convince
teachers to raise the grades of football players who were lackluster
students.

Jake: Well if they were having trouble in school. . .

Helen: Jake! Daria, if you don't think that you did any-thing wrong,
then there's no reason for you to feel guilty. But what seems to be the
problem?

Daria: Jodie and Mr. O'Neill won't print my story because they're
afraid.

Helen: Afraid? Afraid of what?

Daria: I'm guessing the loss of prestige and trophies for Lawndale.

Helen: That's ridiculous! Daria, no one who has ever told the truth in
the face of overwhelming opposition has been completely popular.

Daria: Oh gee, where have I heard that before!

Helen: Daria, you've got a very honest and ethical nature.
Unfortunately, others are not always going to be like that.

Jake: Especially when you're trying to make business con-tacts.

Helen: What's right is not always popular, Daria. And what's popular is
not always right. If Jodie and Mr. O'Neill won't print your story, then
you should go see Ms. Li.

Daria: That's great! Send me from the frying pan right into a southern
Californian forest fire!

Helen: If Ms. Li doesn't do anything, then you need to go above her
head. Do you get what I'm saying?

Daria: Yeah I do. Thanks. (leaves)

Jake: I wonder if I know anyone in California who needs business
promotions.

Helen:(sighs)

(school hallway)

Jane: So have you decided what you're going to do?

Daria: I might as well go see Ms. Li and stick my head in the lion's
mouth.

Jane: Better your head in a lion's mouth, than your foot in your own
mouth.

(students in the hallways are all reading copies of the school
newspaper, the Lawndale Lines)

Daria: Notice anything?

Jane: Like the number of people reading? I just assumed that the t.v.'s
and radios had all gone kaput.

(Brittany and Kevin walk up)

Brittany:(sarcastically) I'd like to thank you Daria. Thanks to your
reporting, nobody cares about why the cheerleaders need new uniforms.

Kevin: And now I have to write a paper for English and a make-up test
for math. Will I have to wear actual make-up for that? Will I?

Daria: What are you two talking about?

Brittany: Everyone's reading and talking about your article. (sniffs) I
can't believe no one cares about the cheerleading team!

Jane: Maybe if you make a movie about it, then people will start to
notice. Why not cast yourself?

Brittany:(stares dreamily) I could call it Pom Pom Power.

Kevin: Babe, what about my make-up test? What shade would go well with
me eyes? Babe? Anyway Daria, Coach Moore's been suspended indefinitely
thanks to you. And now I have to wear make-up to a History test!

(Kevin and Brittany walk off)

(Jodie approaches Daria and Jane)

Daria: Look Jane, if it isn't the Leona Helmsley of the journalism
community!

Jodie:(humble) I guess I had that coming.

Daria: What exactly changed your mind and made you print the story,
Jodie? 

Jane: Was it the sound of one hand clapping, or of a tree falling in the
woods with no one around to hear it?

Jodie: Actually, it was my own conscience keeping me awake. Look, I'm
sorry I was so hard on you Daria. I was worried. I was worried that. . .

Daria: You were worried that if people found out that the football team
was being given easy grades, then others would start to think that Mack
would be on the receiving end of a lot more than a Hail Mary. How am I
doing?

Jodie:(emphatically) You're right on target. Mack's worked very hard to
be a good football player and an even better student. I just couldn't
stand to think that anybody would want to accuse him of having not
earned that.

Daria: But I wasn't accusing him. In fact, I wasn't accu-sing anybody.

Jodie: I needed to read the article over again to realize that. So, do
you accept my apology?

Daria: Sure, I was never one to told a grudge. Unless it was the result
of a full-out war and hostage situation.

Jane: Now that she's solved the mystery behind our football team's
winning streak, I think Daria should quit school and take on a job as a
Middle Eastern hostage negotiator.

Daria: If they're being held somewhere that's better than Lawndale, I
think that I'd convince them to stay there.

(closing credits)