OUTBITCHED A "Daria" Fan Fiction Story (Part of the "Daria: The OAV's" series) by Peter W. Guerin ================================================================ With apologies to Glenn Eichler, Susie Lewis, Jack Webb, Robert A. Cinader, Harold Jack Bloom, Larry Gelbart, Mike Judge, Craig McCracken, Trey Parker, Matt Stone, William Hanna, Joseph Barbera, Danny Bronstein, Wally George and Matt Groening. ================================================================ AUTHOR'S DISCLAIMER AND NOTES ================================================================ None of this ever happened. This story is entirely a work of fiction. As for continuity within the "Daria: The OAV's" series, this story takes place after "Karen Carpenter Blues" and completes the two-part story arc begun in that story. This story contains an intense scene of violence in one instance and some frightening imagery in some other places. Reader discretion is advised. All "Daria" characters are (c) 1993, 1997, 1999 MTV Networks, a division of Viacom International, Inc. All Rights Reserved. All "Dragnet", "Adam-12" and "Emergency!" characters are (c) 1949, 1951, 1952, 1967, 1968, 1972 Dragnet Productions/Adam-12 Productions/Emergency Productions/Mark VII Limited/Universal City Studios; An MCA Company; copyright renewed 1999 Universal Studios, a division of Joseph A. Seagram's Co., Ltd./Studios USA Television, a division of USA Networks. All Rights Reserved. All "M*A*S*H" characters are (c) 1970, 1972, 1999 Twentieth Century-Fox Film Corporation, A News Corporation Company. All Rights Reserved. All "Beavis and Butt-Head" characters are (c) 1993, 1999 MTV Networks, a division of Viacom International, Inc. All Rights Reserved. All "King of the Hill" characters are (c) 1997, 1999 Twentieth Century-Fox Film Corporation, A News Corporation Company. All Rights Reserved. All "The Simpsons" characters are (c) 1987, 1990, 1999 Gracie Films/ Twentieth-Century Fox Film Corporation, a News Corporation Company. All Rights Reserved. All "Powerpuff Girls" characters are (c) 1995, 1998, 1999 Hanna-Barbera Productions, a Time Warner Entertainment Company. All Rights Reserved. All "South Park" characters are (c) 1997, 1999 Branniff Productions/Comedy Central. All Rights Reserved. Blake Cartman and Spiral Taps were created by Danny Bronstein for his "Daria"/"South Park" fan fic "One Band Town". All "Josie and the Pussycats" characters are (c) 1970, 1999 Hanna-Barbera Productions, a Time Warner Entertainment Company. All Rights Reserved. "Hot Seat with Wally George" is a registered trademark of Wally George Productions. "Lexus" is a registered trademark of Lexus Motors, USA, a division of Toyota Motors, USA. "Mark VII Limited" is a registered trademark of Universal Pictures, a division of Joseph A. Seagram's Co., Ltd., successor in interest to Mark VII Limited. ================================================================ SONG CREDITS ================================================================ "Willing to Wait": Words and music by Lou Barlow. (c) 1996 Loobiecore Music, Inc. (BMI). All Rights Reserved. Appearing on Sebadoh's 1996 album "Harmacy" on Sub Pop CD's and cassettes. ================================================================ A SPECIAL NOTE ABOUT THIS DOCUMENT ================================================================ Endnotes in this document appear as parenthetical citations; the appropriately numbered endnote appears in the endnotes section of this document. ================================================================ AUTHOR'S DEDICATION ================================================================ This story is respectfully dedicated to the late Jack Webb, creator of "Dragnet", "Adam-12", and "Emergency!" "This is the city, Los Angeles, California. I work here. I'm a cop." --Spoken by Jack Webb during the opening montage sequences of Downtown LA in every episode of the original Dragnet series (1952-1959) ================================================================ RECAP FROM "KAREN CARPENTER BLUES" ================================================================ (Before I begin the recap, let me just say there's a reason why I chose Majel Barrett to do this instead of Daria like C. E. Forman did for his/her recap segment in Quinntet. Majel Barrett just does a Hell of a job doing this kind of thing, and I like the way she's been saying "And now, the continuation" instead of "And now, the conclusion" when she ends the recaps for the more recent season premieres of "Star Trek: Deep Space Nine" and "Star Trek: Voyager". So, sit back, and enjoy the show!) (The "Daria" logo is shown centered on a yellow backdrop [1] as we begin the recap.) Barrett: Last time, on "Daria". . . (Show a clip from Act, 1, Scene 1, where Stacy throws up.) (Show a clip from Act 1, Scene 2, where Daria is talking to Jane.) Daria: Quinn's been telling me that Stacy's been acting rather unusual lately. Jane: How so? Daria: She's been making a lot of trips to the bathroom. (Show a clip from Act 1, Scene 3, where Stacy is on trial by the Fashion Club.) Sandi: We are constituted as a court of inquiry in order to determine whether or not Stacy Nibblet has committed actions that could be construed as conduct unbecoming a member of this club. Quinn: I'm begging for leniency for Stacy. Sandi: What I need to do is to get another member in the Fashion Club; someone who will help me get rid of Quinn and Stacy once and for all time. (Show a clip from Act 1, Scene 4, where Daria and Jane are at the public library.) Jane: I think she may be doing her own rendition of the "vomitorium sketch" from "Hysteria!" Daria : Jane, sometimes you are so sick. (Show a clip from Act 1, Scene 5, where Stacy binges at Burger World.) (Show a clip from Act 1, Scene 7, where Amy is speaking to Pastor Collier.) Amy: Did I tell you about my boyfriend, the retired LAPD cop? (Show a clip from Act 1, Scene 8, where Candy Kaine arrives at Lawndale High.) Other Cheerleader Girl: Candy Kaine has arrived here in Lawndale. (Show a shot of Candy.) (Show a clip from Act 1, Scene 12, where Daria walks in and sees Stacy throwing up in the ladies' room.) (Show a clip from Act 2, Scene 2, where Stacy is getting another bottle of syrup of ipecac.) (Show a clip from Act 2, Scene 6, where Daria and Jane meet Candy.) Candy: All because I'm part of the Fashion Club doesn't mean I shouldn't like those who aren't part of it. (Show a clip from Act 2, Scene 7, where Sandi walks in on Stacy throwing up.) Sandi: (From behind Stacy.) So, Stacy, it is true then? (Show a clip from Act 2, Scene 8, where Stacy is yelling at Daria and Jane at the Village Green.) Stacy: I DON'T HAVE BULIMIA! WHY CAN'T EVERYONE JUST LEAVE ME ALONE! (She runs away, crying.) (Show a clip from Act 2, Scene 9, where we first see retired Lieutenant Reed.) Airport Security Guard: You're with the LAPD? Reed: Was. Retired five years ago. (Show a clip from Act 2, Scene 12, where Stacy is talking to her old friend Laura.) Laura: Stacy, where did we go wrong? Stacy: I guess I fell into a trap and I just felt so inferior. (Show a clip from Act 3, Scene 4, where Reed meets the Morgendorffers and Lanes. The Morgendorffers are quiet while Jane and Trent smirk.) Daria: Never mind them; they act that way to strangers usually. (Show a clip from Act 3, Scene 8, where Stacy and Laura confront Sandi.) Stacy: You made me bulimic! (Show a clip of Stacy and Sandi fighting, then cut to Stacy collapsing.) Laura: Someone get a doctor! Her heart's stopped beating! (Show a clip from Act 3, Scene 10, where Stacy is confronting Sandi from her hospital bed.) Sandi: When we get back to Lawndale, we're going to expel you from the Fashion Club! Stacy: Don't bother. Sandi: Why? Stacy: (Gathering up every shred of courage she can muster.) Because I resign, that's why! (Show a clip from Act 3, Scene 11, with Sandi, Stacy and Jodie at Ms. Li's office.) Li: I have no choice but to suspend the operations of the Fashion Club. (Show a clip from Act 3, Scene 12, where Sandi confronts Daria, with Quinn and Candy watching.) Sandi: (To Daria.) You're going to regret this! I swear to God you will! Candy: (To Quinn.) We're going to go to Jodie and tell her what we know and start the process going on having Sandi removed as president of the Fashion Club. Quinn: Right. (Cut to a black screen.) Barrett: And now, the continuation. ================================================================ ACT I OF III, TERTIARY UNIT, UNIMATRIX 01 (We are Borg! We have assimilated this fan fic! Resistance is futile!) ================================================================ ("You're Standing on My Neck" by Splendora begins to play as we see Daria at a movie theater; she's not laughing when the rest of the audience is. At gym class, Daria lets the volleyball get past her, causing Stacy and Tiffany to flash hostile looks at her. In the hallway, Kevin and Brittany are blocking Daria's locker. Daria gets out a whistle and blows on it, causing Kevin to think it's time for practice. He and Brittany clear out, and Daria goes to her locker. At a football game, Daria is the only one who's not cheering. At gym class again, Daria lets the volleyball get past here again, causing Stacy and Tiffany to flash hostile looks at her again. At a wedding, the bride files past the Morgendorffers. Pan left to show Helen, Quinn and Jake crying, while Daria calmly picks up a newspaper with the heading "MAYOR INDICTED" on the front cover. Finally, at gym class again, Stacy and Tiffany collide as they try to get the volleyball, and collapse onto the floor unconscious as Daria lets the volleyball get past her again. Close-up of Daria smiling, which then zooms up and over to form the "Daria" logo, below which is the caption "in: 'Outbitched'".) ================================================================ Scene 1: Los Angeles, 1950. A caption with the time and setting can be seen in white lettering on a black background in the usual Daria script. ================================================================ (The scene starts with a shot of Sgt. Joe Friday's Badge 714 as Walter Schumann's "Dragnet Theme" can be heard in the background.) George Fenneman (2): Ladies and gentlemen, the story you're about to see is true. The names have been changed to protect the innocent. (The horns kick into that dramatic flourish that happened after the opening disclaimer in the original series as we fade into a shot of Los Angeles as it looked in 1950. The music changes to the opening guitar riffs from "Birth, School, Work, Death" by The Godfathers. We zoom in on the sidewalk, where we see a boy, about eight years old, wearing a soft cap, collared shirt, suspenders and knee-high pants walking down the street. Suddenly, some older kids surround him.) Older Kid # 1: Hey, you! You need to give us a quarter if you want to go down the street without us roughing you up! Boy: Leave me alone! I don't want any trouble from you! Older Kid # 1: If we have to, we'll beat it out of you! Either way, you're gonna pay, you pip-squeak! Boy: I gotta go to the CYO now! Older Kid # 2: HA HA! The kid goes to see that loser Father Martin! What a loser! Boy: Father Martin's not a loser! He's a nice person! Older Kid # 3: I say we beat him up! Older Kid # 1: Yeah! (They now gang up on the boy and beat him up. We now see Sgt. Joe Friday and Officer Frank Smith heading in the opposite direction. They see what's going on, and run toward the fracas. They pull the kids from the boy. When they begin to try and hit Friday and Smith, they fight back. Soon enough, the hoodlums are left sprawling on the sidewalk as two uniformed officers arrive. They haul the hoodlums up and arrest them. Friday now goes to the kid.) Friday: Hey, son, what's your name? Boy: Jimmy. Jimmy Reed. Friday: I'm Sgt. Friday; that's my partner Officer Smith. Have those kids been harassing you a lot? Jimmy: They sure have. They make me feel worthless. I don't know if I'm any good. Friday: Don't let anyone tell you that you aren't any good. If you believe in yourself and if you think you can do it, that's what should matter to you, not what anyone else says. Jimmy: You know, when I grow up, I wanna be a cop like you. Smith: Tell you what, Jimmy. You continue going to school, and when you graduate from high school, consider enrolling in the Academy. We could use someone like you. Jimmy: Gee, thanks! Friday: We'd better walk you to where you're going. Where were you headed for anyway? Jimmy: The CYO. Smith: It's on our way, Joe. I just hope Fay won't get upset if I'm a bit late today. Friday: Come, on Jimmy, we'll take you to the CYO. Jimmy: Thanks! (They now proceed to go.) ================================================================ Scene 2: The Zen, Dega Street, Lawndale, 8:00 PM Saturday. Caption: "Lawndale, the Present." ================================================================ (Mystik Spiral is backstage. We see the regular members, including lead singer and lead guitarist Trent Lane, rhythm guitarist Jesse Moreno, bassist Nicholas Campbell, and drummer Max Tyler. With them are Danny Moreno, Jesse's brother, with a guitar, Daria Morgendorffer with a harmonica, and Jane Lane, who's putting the finishing touches on a new Mystik Spiral banner.) Trent: Hey, Daria, are you nervous? Daria: I guess a little bit, maybe. Trent: Janey says you play a mean harmonica. (3) You should do well in our first song. Jesse: Ready for your first gig as a member of Mystik Spiral there, Danny? (4) Danny: Rarin'! Jane: (Finishing up.) There. It's all set. Let me just hang this up, then let's rock! (She takes the banner with her.) Trent: Let's rock. (They now approach the stage. Daria gets this "Oh, geeze!" look on her face as she sees how large the crowd is.) Hi, everyone. We're Mystik Spiral, but we're thinking of changing our name. I'm your lead singer and guitarist Trent Lane. Jesse Moreno's your rhythm guitarist. His brother Danny Moreno will be joining us as our third guitarist. Your bassist is Nicholas Campbell, and Max Tyler is on drums. Also with us tonight is a very special friend of my sister Janey, as well as my girlfriend, Daria Morgendorffer, who will be playing harmonica. (Daria blushes.) So, let's get down to business, shall we? Our first song is going out to a friend of mine who lives in Peoria, Illinois: C. E. Forman. When we were doing that Midwestern tour last year, C. E. helped us when we got a flat tire on the "Tank", and C. E. helped us change it. This is for you, C. E. This is "The String on My Guitar Broke!" (The guitars rev up.) Trent: Here I am, writing this song!/Here I am, strumming along!/I'm trying to get this song done,/I'm trying to get a groove on,/But, then, GODDAMMIT! (Monster guitar riffs.) Trent and Jesse: THE STRING ON MY GUITAR BROKE!/THE STRING ON MY GUITAR BROKE!/THE STRING ON MY GUITAR BROKE!/THE STRING ON MY GUITAR BROKE! (Trent cues Daria, who then breaks into the grungiest-sounding harmonica riff ever played. The crowd goes crazy as they form a mosh pit. Jane stage dives and is body surfed. She lets out a Jenny McCarthy-like "WHOO!" Someone tries to grab Daria by the part of her right leg just above the hem of her boot and below her knee; she stomps on his hand.) Guy: Man, I think I'm in love! (Daria continues her harmonica riff. As we pull away from the stage, we notice [surprise!], Kevin Thompson and Brittany Taylor here. Brittany's dressed in the same way she was in the "Ill" episode, except she's decided to don a wig instead of dying her hair black, while Kevin kind of looks like Alice Cooper.) Kevin: Hey, babe, when did Daria do this grunge music thing? Brittany: (Twirling her hair again.) MMMM, I don't know, Kevvy. This is news to me. Just make sure when we get back home, we give back each other's underwear. (5) Ashley-Amber got alarmed when she accidentally washed your jock strap last time. Besides, this place is a lot cooler with you here, babe! Kevin: Glad to be of service, babe! (The guy who tried to grab Daria's leg is at it again, and Daria's hauled off the stage and body surfed. Fast cut to later on, backstage. Daria's a bit bruised, and her hair is a mess, but she's otherwise OK. Trent approaches her.) Trent: Hey, Daria, that was awesome! You are one mean harmonica player. Daria: I didn't like the body surfing part, though. (Moans a little as she rubs her back.) I'm going to have to get the old mineral ice for this. Jane: I just hope Jake and Helen don't go ballistic when they find out that their "kiddo" went body surfing. Daria: I'd be grounded for a month if they heard that. Trent: Daria, you're approaching your seventeenth birthday. Isn't it about time you stopped worrying about what your parents are going to do to you? Jane: Trent's right; in a couple of years, you'll either be at college or working, and then they won't be able to push you around as much. Trent: You know, Daria, I just thought of something. Daria: What, Trent? Trent: Why not decide to move in with Amy? You and her are very much alike. Daria: But that would mean moving to Los Angeles. (6) Jane: Hey, it's not so bad. Daria: It's smoggy; it's full of kooks, and I'd miss you guys. Jane: OK, OK, other than the smog and us not being there, it's pretty much like Lawndale. One out of three isn't that bad in this case. Daria: Thanks, but no thanks. Lawndale may be Hell, but at least it's my Hell. (7) Jane: Anyway, anyone heard of when Sandi's supposed to have her hearing with the Student Government Cabinet in regard to her possible removal as Fashion Club President? Daria: Well, when Quinn said they approached Jodie about it earlier this week, and she informed Sandi, there was a lot of yelling and cursing on Sandi's part. It's going to be Monday. Trent: From what I heard, that Candy Kaine girl who just joined is leading the case for her removal. Jesse: Man, Sandi's been asking for it for a long time. She's been such a bitch since elementary school. Daria: And how do you know that? Jesse: Danny knew her then. She wasn't always like this. Daria: Really? Danny: She was rather ugly back then. Wore glasses, dressed rather plainly, always got picked on. Jane: Remind you of anyone, Daria? (Daria just nods.) Danny: One day, that all changed. She became this take-charge bitch who's been making everyone's life Hell ever since. Daria: I meant to ask; why don't I see you at school? Danny: Well, Dad's a mechanic; he makes a good living at it. He set aside enough money for me to go to a magnet school. I'm doing OK there. Trent: I guess you've heard of Moreno Auto Repairs, haven't you, Daria? Daria: I've seen them in the Yellow Pages; in fact, I think Dad used them to fix his Lexus(tm) when the two of you crashed into a tree during the hurricane. (8) Trent: Harvey Moreno owns it; he's Jesse and Danny's dad. He used to be a hot-shot driver on the NASCAR circuit. He retired ten years ago. Danny: Anyway, ever since that day Sandi changed, everyone in school's been scared shitless about her. I don't know what exactly got into her, or why she sounds so deep. Jane: There's the ever-present rumor that she was born with a pair of testicles. (9) Trent: Let's not go there, Janey. Daria: Well, that could explain a lot of things, though. (Smirks that Mona Lisa smile.) (Jane, Trent, Jesse, Danny, Nicholas and Max snicker sinisterly over that remark.) Jane: What do you think will happen if they actually remove Sandi as Fashion Club President? Daria: I hope for everyone's sake she doesn't decided to blow up. Trent: (To himself.) Daria, you seem so sure of yourself, but why do I fear for you now? Why do I fear that something's going to happen to you? Please, God, tell me that I'm wrong on this. Tell me that Daria isn't going to get herself killed over this! ================================================================ Scene 3: Sandi's room at the Griffin residence, 9:45 PM Saturday. Background music: The opening synthesizer and guitar riffs from "Blue Monday" by Orgy. ================================================================ (Sandi is seen writing up a defense for her upcoming hearing. She gets frustrated, and rips the paper she was writing on up.) Sandi: I've been doing this for a week now, and I just can't seem to be able to write a credible defense! I think this is going to become a kangaroo court! It's all Daria and Quinn's fault! Those fucking bitches have had the fix in on me since they arrived here! I don't want to become unpopular again! I won't let it happen! (Bangs her fist on the table.) I won't! I won't! I WON'T!!!!!!!!! Daria and Quinn are gonna get theirs, I swear to God! (Misty dissolve to indicate a flashback. It's the playground of Lawndale Elementary School, circa 1988. Sandi is seen rather differently. She's got a short haircut, wears glasses and is wearing a white T-shirt and pink overalls. Some girls gang up on her.) Girl # 1: HA HA! Look at Sandi the Geek! Four eyes and all! Girl # 2: Where did you get your clothes from, the Salvation Army Thrift Shop? Young Sandi: Leave me alone! I just want to be left alone! Girl # 3: Oh, we'll leave you alone all right, after we beat the shit out of you! (They now gang up on them and beat Sandi up. They're all shouting "You're a nobody, Sandi!" Fast cut to the Griffin house, where we see Sandi run inside. A preschool version of Sam and Chris can be seem, beating each other up then as now. Linda sees her and goes to her.) Linda: Sandi, what happened to you? Young Sandi: They beat me up again, Mommy! (She cries.) Linda: AWWWW! Mommy knows how to make you feel better! I'll get you some milk and cookies, OK? Then Mommy's got to go over some marketing proposals for the TV station. Young Sandi: Sure. (She sits down on a couch. She sees an issue of "Waif" magazine and begins to read it.) You know, if I was fashionable like those girls, I could become popular and no one would dare pick on me. I'll ask Mommy if I can get my own subscription to this magazine. (Fast cuts to shots of Sandi's throwing out clothes, putting on contact lenses, doing her hair, putting on makeup, etc. Show a cut of the transformed Sandi. misty dissolve back to the present.) Sandi: No, I won't go back to being a "nobody". I won't! I'll crush everyone who stands in my way! and I mean EVERYONE! (She takes a dart on her desk and flings it at a picture of Daria; it lands right between the eyes.) ================================================================ Scene 4: The living room of the Lane residence, 111 Howard Drive, Lawndale, 7:30 PM Sunday. Background music: The opening bars of "One Hit Wonder" by Everclear. ================================================================ (It's "Bad Movie Night" once again; we see Daria and Jane watching the famous scene in "The Shining" [10] where Jack Nicholson chops down the bathroom door in order to get at Shelly Duval, then shrieks out "HEEEEEEERE'S JOHNNNNNNNY!" ) Daria: Why waste your time doing that when you could be courtside at the Great Western Forum admiring those Laker Girls? Jane: I don't know about that; he probably feels upstaged since they signed Dennis Rodman up. Daria: That would be a concept. Jane: What would? Daria: If Jack Nicholson head-butted Rodman and kicked him in the groin instead of the other way around. (Jane smirks evilly over that.) Anyway, Amy told me that she and Jim might sneak out tomorrow night and get married. (11) Jane: Really? (Smirking evilly again.) Daria: She told me she made arrangements with Judge Feeder (12) yesterday. Jane: That was the judge that heard the case of when Trent and Brad Schlitz fought when the Lawndale Taxpayers' Association were protesting my nude painting of you at COMMA, wasn't she? Daria: The same. Jane: Well, let me extend my congratulations to the lucky couple. Daria: They want to keep it a secret until the time is right. Jane: Yeah, I can understand; Jake and Helen would freak if they found out. Daria: Jane, somehow I have an awful feeling about what's going to happen tomorrow during that hearing. Jane: Like what? Daria: That Sandi won't take it lying down and she might vent her anger on me, that's what. Jane: So, maybe it's time you learned judo or something. (Daria is just sitting there, thinking. Misty dissolve back to Highland, about 1989 or so. Daria is at a playground, minding her own business, reading a book. Quinn is in a sandbox while we see Beavis and Butt-Head are snickering nearby. We now see a car pull up. Todd, the criminal Beavis and Butt-Head hang out with, approaches the bench Daria is sitting on.) Todd: Hey, little girl, want to go with me for a ride? Young Daria: My parents told me never to accept rides from strangers. Todd: I won't hurt you, honey! Let's go! (He grabs Daria.) Young Daria: Hey! Let me go! (Beavis and Butt-Head see it.) Young Beavis: Cool! Todd's taking Diarrhea for a ride! HEH-HEH-HEH-HEH-HEH-HEH-HEH-HEH-HEH-HEH! Young Butt-Head: Cool! Todd kicks ass! UH-HUH-HUH-HUH-HUH-HUH-HUH-HUH-HUH-HUH-HUH-HUH-HUH! (Daria screams as Todd takes her into her car; Quinn now sees it and screams herself.) Young Quinn: Daria! Come back! DARIA! (She runs off to find Jake and Helen.) (Cut to a dark closet. It's so dark we can only see Daria's eyes. We now see the door of the closet open, and Todd grabs her.) Young Daria: No! Please! I don't want to do this! (We see a lecherous leer on Todd as we see him grab Daria's shirt and yanks it off. Sudden cut to the present, where we see Daria gasp.) Daria: No! Leave me alone, Todd! Leave me alone! (13) Jane: (Jumping up and running to Daria.) Daria! Are you OK? Daria: (Catching her breath, trembling.) I--I--I had a flashback of when Todd sexually assaulted me back at Highland. Jane, I just know something is going to happen tomorrow. I just know it. (We see Trent come down the stairs; he probably overheard what happened.) Trent: Hey, Janey, Daria, is everything OK? Daria: Yes, Trent. (Pauses.) No, nothing is all right. (Trent now goes up to her.) Trent: Daria, I overheard what happened. You had a flashback about Todd, didn't you? Daria: Yes, I did. Trent: Daria, I'm getting worried about you. I know you're smart and cynical and you don't show your emotions a lot, but you can't keep them bottled up forever, you know. (14) Did you ever hear of the case of the Trekkie who wanted to become Mr. Spock? (15) Daria: No, I don't think I have. Trent: He became so much like him he couldn't revert to his own identity. When a crisis came up and he couldn't handle it as Spock, he killed himself. Jane: That is so sad. Trent: Anyway, Daria, you can't keep your emotions bottled up forever like you do. You're going to have to release them in some manner. Daria: Trent, it's part of my identity, like my glasses. Remember when Mom persuaded me to wear contact lenses for a while, and I just didn't feel the same, like a piece of me was taken away from me? (16) Trent: Yeah. Daria: It's the same thing with my emotions. It's not a question of vanity; it's about my self-identity. Jane: Kind of like how Canadians question their own national identity, I take it. Daria: Exactly. Trent: Daria, one of these days, something's going to happen, and you're going to need someone to help you when you get emotionally overwhelmed. Think about what I said. It may happen to you sooner than you think. I've got to go now; band practice. Danny thinks he can master a two-headed guitar sound. Daria: Don't you usually play just one set of strings on those? Trent: He thinks he can play both at the same time. It might revolutionize rock as we know it. I don't know why he thought we weren't going to let him on the band. He was sure Jesse and Max would let him in, but he wasn't so sure about me.(17) I just felt the time was right. Even Nicholas was willing to give him a chance. Also, think about becoming our harmonicist full-time, Daria. That would be very exciting. Daria: Wouldn't that be the equivalent of Yoko Ono joining the Beatles? (18) Trent: Nah. More like Bob Dylan joining the Traveling Willburys. Got to go now. Bye. (He leaves.) Jane: Hey, maybe it could work. Rumor has it this old band's regrouping and they're going to have a concert here in Lawndale. They're shopping for an opening act, and word has it that Warner Bros. is sending some A&R people over here as well. (19) Daria: What band is that? Jane: I'm not sure, but word on the street is that they're going to change their name to something else, like Mystik Spiral is planning on doing themselves. I've heard everything from "The Cat People" to "Feline Fury". Also, they're planning on wearing grungy clothes now instead of their costumes. Daria: Kind of sounds like when KISS ditched the make-up. Jane: I went out on a date with Jesse the other night, and he told me that they're going for a Goth/industrial sound now. It will be interesting seeing what happens. Daria: Right now, I just want to survive the next day or two, then worry about the future after that. Jane: OK. (They now go back to the film, just in time to see Nicholson's frozen-over body at the end of "The Shining".) ================================================================ Scene 5: The Large Group Instruction Room at Lawndale High School, 3:15 PM Monday. Background music: The opening guitar riffs from "My Own Prison" by Creed. ================================================================ (A table is set up at the floor area in front of the seats. The Lawndale High Student Government Cabinet is seated at the table, with Vice-President Jodie Landon sitting in the middle. A little distance from that are two other tables. Quinn and Candy Kaine are at one while Sandi is at another. A huge crowd is here. Jodie now bangs the gavel.) Jodie: In absence of the President, I call this meeting of the Cabinet to order. This Cabinet is meeting as a court of inquiry in regard to charges made against Fashion Club President Sandi Griffin which--if true--could result in her removal as club president. Will the Recording Secretary please read the charges. (The Student Government Recording Secretary--a girl with light brown hair, blue eyes, and wearing a white blouse and jeans--stands up.) Recording Secretary: Sandra Elaine Griffin, (20) you are hereby charged with conduct unbecoming a member of a school club. The specifications are as follows: (1) In that you showed a willful disregard for the well-being of Stacy Lorraine Nibblet, (21) a member of your organization, by ignoring her continued struggles with bulimia; (2) In that at the recent Tri-Counties Fashion Clubs Showdown, you got into a fight with Ms. Nibblet as well as Quinn Louise Morgendorffer, the club's Vice-President; (3) In that--according to the testimony of several witnesses--you have shown a continued disregard for the welfare of the members of your club; (4) In that--once again, according to testimony--your mental condition has been called into question due to your continued obsession over the recent actions of Daria Marie Morgendorffer; the biological sister of Quinn Morgendorffer; (Some gasps come from the audience; it seems not everyone knew the truth about those two and still bought it that Daria was Quinn's cousin.) (5) In that you displayed an arrogant abuse of power during your tenure as President of the Fashion Club, coupled with an extreme paranoia over what your own Vice-President was planning to do; and (6) In that you have refused to have the Fashion Club adopt an "Anti-Eating Disorders Amendment" to its bylaws and have refused to hold an eating disorders seminar annually as required by Title 6, Article 3, § 5, ¶ 2 of the State Education Law. Ms. Griffin, how do you plead, first to each specification in order, then to the charge. Sandi: (Calmly, with a sinister sneer in her voice.) Not guilty on all counts. (A murmur runs through the crowd. Jodie bangs the gavel.) Jodie: We will start with opening arguments by the managers for the Fashion Club, Quinn Morgendorffer and Lana Ann Slobonski, alias Candy Kaine. Quinn: (With a puzzled look on her face as she speaks to Candy.) That's your real name? Candy: My agent coined my stage name. I know it's not the greatest name in the world, but I think he said he was inspired by how sweet the name sounded and due to the fact he was visiting some West Virginian kid's Web site all the time. (22) Quinn: What nationality are you then? Candy: Part Polish from my dad, and part German from my mother. Quinn: Man, that is different. (Time passes. Fast cuts of Quinn and Candy delivering opening statements for five minutes, followed by Sandi's five-minute defense. Candy is showing evidence of empty bottles of syrup of ipecac. We now see Stacy testify. Sandi is seen speaking in her own defense. From the looks on her face, she is angrily denying everything. The clock now shows 5:45 PM. The table where the Cabinet was sitting is empty. It is apparent that they are now deliberating a verdict. They now re-enter the room. Jodie bangs the gavel.) Jodie: Ladies and gentlemen, we have reached a verdict. Will both parties rise. (Sandi, Quinn and Candy do so. The Recording Secretary hands a piece of paper to Jodie.) Sandra Elaine Griffin, we, the Student Government Cabinet, convened as a court of inquiry, have found you "Guilty" on all six specifications of the charge. Therefore, the charge has been proved, and you have been found "Guilty" of the charge of conduct unbecoming a member of a school club. In accordance with our own bylaws, you are hereby removed as President of the Fashion Club, and Quinn Morgendorffer, by virtue of being Vice-President, shall be Acting President until such time as they shall hold an election to fill the office of President. (Sandi lets out an unholy yell and lunges for Quinn, tackling her to the floor and beating her up.) Sandi: YOU BITCH! YOU NO GOOD, FUCKING BITCH! I'LL KILL YOU! I'LL FUCKING KILL YOU! (Candy and Jodie have to haul her off Quinn, they drag her away. Quinn stands up, trying to catch her breath. She's got a black eye and several bruises for her troubles.) ================================================================ Scene 6: The office of Angela Li, Principal, Lawndale High School, 5:50 PM Monday. ================================================================ (Sandi is seated across the floor from Ms. Li. Tom and Linda are here as well.) Li: Ms. Griffin, what you have been doing in the past few weeks has been atrocious, but this really takes the cake. What has gotten into you? Sandi: Daria and Quinn are out to get me, that's what! Li: I do not have any evidence to back the claim that the Morgendorffer Sisters are out to get you. Ms. Griffin, you leave me no choice but to suspend you for a week. (Sandi loses it even more now, gets up and broadsides Ms. Li, who falls to the floor.) Sandi: Take that, you dictatorial bitch! (She spits on her.) Li: Never mind suspension, Ms. Griffin! Now you've pushed me too far! As of now, you are hereby expelled! (Tom grabs Sandi and smacks her across the face. He has to drag her out of the room. Ms. Li slowly gets up.) At least Ms. Morgendorffer and Ms. Lane don't give me even half as much trouble as Ms. Griffin does. (Fast cut to the hallway. Tom and Linda are at either side of Sandi. Suddenly, she bolts from the both of them.) Linda: SANDI, YOU GET BACK HERE, NOW! (Sandi disappears into the gym. She ducks into the equipment room. She finds a baseball bat there, and gets it.) Sandi: It's been a long fucking time coming, Daria, but now you're gonna pay for all the times you beat me up! (23) You hear me? You're gonna die today! (She leaves the gym in a hurry.) ================================================================ Scene 7: The Morgendorffer's living room, 1111 Glen Oaks Lane, Lawndale, 7:00 PM Monday. Background music: The opening acoustic guitar riffs from "Who's Behind the Door?" by Zebra. ================================================================ (Quinn is fussing while Helen puts some iodine on a cut on her forehead. Daria is watching "Sick, Sad World" while Jake slips on a coat.) Helen: Quinn, I can't believe Sandi did this to you. Quinn: But you should see the other guy, Mom! Helen: Well, maybe going with us to a play will help calm you down. It's the Lawndale Community Theater's production of "Death of a Salesman". I think Rev. Nathan Armistead is playing the role of Willie Loman. (24) Daria, do you want to go with us? Daria: No thanks; I don't want to miss this segment coming up about the Doc Martens-worshipping cult. Helen: Suit yourself, Daria. Hopefully, Aunt Amy and Jim Reed will be back soon from dinner. Jake, are you all set? Jake: Ready, dear. Daria: Have a nice time, guys. Helen: We will, dear. Bye! Jake: Bye, kiddo! (He kisses her on the cheek, causing Daria to blush.) Quinn: See you later, Daria. (They now leave.) Daria: Hopefully, it will be peaceful. (Fast cut to the exterior, where we see Jake's Lexus(tm) pull away. Pan to the bushes, where we see Sandi emerge.) Sandi: The time of reckoning is now at hand, Daria! ================================================================ Scene 8: Lawndale Municipal Courthouse, 7:30 PM Monday. ================================================================ (We're at Judge Kathy Feeder's chambers here. Judge Feeder is wearing her robes. Amy is wearing a dress similar to the one she wore in "I Don't" while Reed is wearing a business suit. The court secretary is here as a witness.) Judge Feeder: Well, I guess it would be pointless for me to say "Ladies and Gentlemen", so let's get down to business. We are gathered here today to witness the marriage of Amy Marie Barksdale and James Allen Reed. Both parties have asked that I dispense with the usual spiel and let them give their own vows. (She nods to Amy.) Amy: Jim, when I first met you, you seemed so pained, so distant. I know that life gave you a raw deal, but now I want to make you happy again. Let us live the rest of our lives together; let us find happiness and peace; let us face the problems life throws in our way together. Reed: Amy, when my first wife died, (25) it left a great void in my life. Meeting you has filled that void. I fell in love with you for you wit, your kindness, your determination never to let life's injustices get the better of you. I want to spend the rest of my days with you, now and always. Judge Feeder: (To the court secretary.) Will you kindly give the rings to the couple, please? (She does so. Amy takes one ring and slips it on Reed's finger.) Amy: Let this be a symbol of my undying devotion to you, my love. (Reed slips the other on Amy's finger.) Reed: May this ring of mine be my symbol of my own devotion to you, my love. Judge Feeder: On that note, by the powers invested in me by this state, I now hereby pronounce you as husband and wife. (Amy embraces Reed as they kiss.) Well, you just saved me a step there. Good luck to the two of you. And, Amy? Amy: Yes? Judge Feeder: Say "Hi" to your niece Daria for me, will you? Amy: Sure. (The happy couple now leave.) Judge Feeder: Why can't there be more people like them? Is this whole town full of airheads? ================================================================ Scene 9: The Morgendorffer's living room, 7:45 PM Monday. ================================================================ (Daria is watching TV, minding her own business. We now hear the doorbell ringing. Daria gets up and answers the door. She opens it and we see Sandi there, with her hands behind her back.) Daria: Sandi, what do you want? Sandi: It's all over, Daria. It's all over for me. They kicked me out of the Fashion Club and out of school, and it's all your fucking fault, you bitch! Daria: Sandi, you brought this all upon yourself. I didn't have anything to do with it. Sandi: No, you did, and don't deny it! When I'm done with you, you're going to wish your mother never told the truth to me that you're Quinn's sister! Daria: (Now noticing that Sandi's hands are behind her back.) What do you have behind your back? Sandi: (In the loudest voice possible.) YOUR DOOM! (She now swings the bat from behind her, just missing Daria. "Just Give It To Me", the song that was playing when Vega was trashing Chun Li in the "Street Fighter II" anime movie, now starts, and plays to the end of Act I. Time the action so that the whole song plays through.) (Sandi lets out a primal scream as she lunges at Daria with the bat. Daria runs, and heads for the stairs, with Sandi in pursuit. Daria gets to her room, and locks the door. Sandi runs up to it and begins to kick the door.) Sandi: YOU CAN RUN, BUT YOU CAN'T HIDE FROM ME, YOU FUCKING BITCH! (She now kicks the door down. She takes a swing at Daria, but misses again. Daria drags down the dresser on top of Sandi. Sandi recovers and kicks the heart and cheese models away, taking a swing at Daria again. This time, she knocks her glasses off. Cut to a fuzzy perspective of Sandi from Daria's point of view.) What's the matter? Can't see without your glasses? Maybe you should have stuck with the contact lenses like your mother wanted you to! Daria: I don't need those in order to fight! Sandi: Good, then! (She finds them and steps on them. We hear the sound of breaking glass and plastic. She now screams as she takes another swing with the bat, this time hitting Daria across the head. Daria kicks her now in the solar plexus with one of her Doc Martens boots. Daria now flees to the living room again, with Sandi in pursuit. Daria gets a knife from the kitchen.) Daria: End this madness now, Sandi, or, so help me, God, I'll use this knife on you! (Sandi takes the bat and hits it across Daria's hand, causing her to drop the knife. Daria now gets a lid for a pot and tries to use it as a shield. Sandi batters away at it, until it breaks from the handle. Daria now tries to run, but Sandi's blocked her way.) Sandi: It's all over now, Daria! Game, set and match! (Sandi now lunges at Daria again. Daria tries to dodge her, but now Sandi's clubbing her real good. Shots of Sandi swinging the bat, and the impacts on various parts of Daria's body. Daria now kicks Sandi in the face, and she takes a wild swing, breaking the glass of the door of the microwave oven. Daria now flees to the living room again, with Sandi in pursuit. Daria, however, in her haste, trips, and now Sandi closes in on her, beating her senseless with the bat. Mustering the last ounces of her strength, however, Daria kicks the bat out of Sandi's hand and tries to go to the stairs. Sandi, however, beats her to the top, and when Daria gets there, she smacks her across the face with the bat. Slow-motion shot of Daria falling to the bottom of the stairs, with a sickening "THUD!" at impact. Sandi now lets out another primal scream as she runs down the stairs. She now beats Daria up to more or less a bloody pulp until the bat breaks in half. She picks up the pieces of the bat.) I hope you burn in Hell, you ugly bitch! (She spits on her and leaves. We can hear the door slam and her footsteps fading. Daria is motionless, but then she seems to stir a little.) Daria: (Hoarsely.) Trent,--Trent--my--love,--where--are--you? (We now hear another car pull up. We hear footsteps and voices from the other side of the door.) Reed: Well, how does it feel to be Mrs. Amy Reed now? Amy: Fabulous! (She now opens the door.) Daria, we're home! We got-- (She sees Daria on the floor.) Oh, my God! Daria! (She kneels at her side.) Daria, what happened? Daria: (Hoarsely.) Sandi--did--it. Where's--Trent?--I--need--him. (She loses consciousness.) Amy: Jim, call 911! Daria's lost consciousness! She's bleeding very badly! Reed: I'm doing that right now! (He dials the phone.) Yes, we have a female Caucasian, age 16, approximately 5-2, brown hair, blue eyes, slight build. Looks like she was severely beaten. (Pauses.) Of course, I want an ambulance here, dammit! It's 1111 Glen Oaks Lane, and hurry! Amy: Hang on, Daria! We're getting help for you! ("Just Give It To Me" begins to fade as we see a widescreen shot of the scene where Sandi is lunging at Quinn in a purple tint and in slow-motion with the "Daria" logo superimposed over it.) ================================================================ COMMERCIAL BREAK # 1 ================================================================ Announcer: On the next "Celebrity Deathmatch", MTV's new bad boy of comedy, Tom Green, takes on the Master of His Domain himself, Jerry Seinfeld! (Show a scene of Green and Seinfeld fighting.) Green: Take that! (He picks up a cow, aims its udder at Seinfeld, squeezes two of its teats, and soaks Seinfeld.) Seinfeld: Oh, yeah? (He makes a waving motion to someone off the stage. Suddenly, the Soup Nazi appears.) Soup Nazi: NO SOUP FOR YOU! (He beans Green with a ladle.) Mills Lane: Outside interference! Outside interference! Announcer: Also, President Clinton takes on Kenneth Starr! (Show a scene of Clinton and Starr fighting.) Clinton: Ah am not a philanderer! (He broadsides Starr.) Starr: Keep this up and I'll impeach you again! (He kicks Clinton in the testicles.) Announcer: And, finally, in a sneak preview of our Beavis and Butt-Head vs. Daria and Jane match-up in the Dome of Doom, it's Hank Hill versus Tom Anderson. (Show a scene of Hank and Anderson fighting.) Anderson: You stole mah accent from me like candy from a baby! Hank: You're full of hot air, you know that? (He goes to a nearby propane tank, opens it, and lights the gas coming out of the hose. He roasts Anderson good.) Announcer: That's all coming up on the next "Celebrity Deathmatch"! Thursday night at 10:00 PM Eastern, 9:00 PM Central, only on MTV! (Another commercial. We see someone like Jim from Taxi driving a cab. Some passengers are in the back.) Passenger # 1: Man, my long distance phone bills are ridiculous! Jim: Maybe you should be using 10-10-220 instead! Passenger # 2: Does 10-10-220 save you more compared to Sprint and AT&T? Jim: Yeah, lots. In fact, you're only charged 99¢ for the first twenty minutes, then 10¢ a minute after that! Passenger # 1: Man, I missed lunch! Does anyone have anything to eat here? Jim: You can have some of my cookies! (He gives some to the passengers. They eat them up.) Passenger # 2: Hey, these cookies are great! What's in them? Jim: Glitter-berries! (Suddenly, the passengers' eyes widen, and they freak out like Jake, Helen and Quinn did when they ate the glitter-berries in "The Teachings of Don Jake". Jim takes a bite himself.) Boy, these cookies have a nice little surprise in them! Announcer: 10-10-220! Save more compared to Sprint and AT&T! And we're not addictive like glitter-berries are! ================================================================ SHUTTLECRAFT GALILEO ACT II (Dammit, Jim! These caption jokes are wearing thin!) ================================================================ Scene 1: Cedars of Lawndale Hospital, the emergency room, 8:00 PM Monday. Background music: The opening guitar instrumental from "One" by Metallica plays throughout this scene. ================================================================ (Open with a shot of the exterior. An ambulance pulls up to the doors of the ER. The ambulance opens, and we see a gurney taken out of it. We recognize the body in the gurney as the battered body of Daria. A doctor approaches. At first, we only see him from the back. However, when he speaks, he sounds familiar.) Doctor: Man, that kid's busted up. Never though I'd see anyone this bad since I came home from the war. EMS Technician: She's pretty critical, Doctor. (We now see the doctor for the first time. He's lost some hair over the years, and he's now gray-haired, but it's clearly Dr. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce from "M*A*S*H".) Hawkeye: Who the Hell did this to her? (We see Reed and Amy--who have ridden along with Daria--step out.) Reed: We don't know, but from what the victim said it was someone named Sandi Griffin. Amy: You've got to take care of her! She's the only member of my family I really like! Hawkeye: And I thought I saw it all at the 4077th! Get her to the operating table stat! (Daria's wheeled away. Reed approaches Hawkeye.) Reed: From what my wife told me, Sandi Griffin's had it in for Daria Morgendorffer for a long time. Hawkeye: Daria, that's the victim's name? Amy: Yes. Hawkeye: What a beautiful name for a beautiful girl. Too bad someone decided to smash her face in. Reed: We think it was a baseball bat, but we're not sure. Hawkeye: Man, I wish Trapper was here. He'd know what to do with something like this! (26) Reed: Huh? Hawkeye: Uh, nothing. (Hawkeye now thinks back to when he was back at M*A*S*H 4077 in Ouijonbu, Korea, circa 1951. We see him and "Trapper" John McIntyre operating on a patient.) Trapper: We've lost the pulse! Hawkeye: Dammit! (He tries to massage the heart, but to no avail.) Dammit, kid, don't die on me! You hear me, don't die on me! (It's fruitless. Margaret Houlihan approaches, takes a reading, and shakes her head.) Margaret: I'm sorry, Hawkeye, we've lost him. (Hawkeye throws his scalpel down in disgust. He walks away.) Hawkeye: (Back in the present.) I'm not gonna lose this kid! I've lost too many as it is! (He walks away. Reed and Amy now sit down at the waiting room. Reed is now thinking back to the past himself. It's Los Angeles, 1982. A graveside service is taking place. We see Reed, along with Officer Bill Gannon, Nurse Dixie McCall, Doctors Kelly Brackett and Joe Early, and Firefighters Roy DeSoto and John Gage, among the mourners. We see a picture to the side of the flag-draped coffin, and it's that of Sgt. Joe Friday; he had died from a heart attack a few days previously. Gannon steps up to a rostrum.) Gannon: Well, I was never good at making a speech, but I'll try my best. It seemed to be in the Good Lord's interest to take Joe away from us. But we must not forget that when he was with the force, his total devotion to being the best officer in the department was not lost on him. Every day he got up, did his job, and he did his damnedest at it. Dixie, I know he was a loving husband to you for five years, (27) and I only hope when little John grows up, he'll be like his father was. Roy, John, Kelly, Joe, I can't say how much he helped you guys at Squad 51 and at Rampart without repeating myself. Jim, you and Pete were never afraid to seek his advice in matters. I can only hope that Joe's looking down at us now and looking out for us like he always did. (He looks up. Tears begin to well up.) We're gonna miss you, Joe. I know most people though you were cynical and had a one-track mind, but we were very damn proud to call you a friend. (Gannon steps away from the podium. Reed is silent throughout this. The Chief of Police now steps up.) LAPD Chief: It is by my order that Sgt. Friday's badge number 714 be officially retired from active duty. Dixie, would you please step up here? (She does, and receives Friday's medal.) (28) (A gun salute is now fired, followed by "Taps" as the flag on the coffin is folded into a tri-corner and handed to Dixie.) Reed: (Back to the present.) Dammit, where is he now when we need him! Amy: It's about Friday again, isn't it? Reed: He'd know what to look for; he'd know what to do. Amy: Daria didn't deserve to have what happened to her occur. (Jake, Helen, Quinn, Jane, Trent and Amanda now arrive.) Jake: (Yelling in a savage voice.) WHERE IS SHE! WHERE IS MY KIDDO? Amy: Calm down, Jake, for Christ's sake! (Jake doesn't want to hear this; he nearly bowls Amy over and heads for the OR. Hawkeye stops him.) Hawkeye: Hey, hey, hey! You can't go in there! Jake: WHERE'S MY KIDDO? WHO DID THIS TO HER! (He's very angry now, very much like he was in Martin J. Pollard's "Sins of the Past". Helen and the others now approach.) Helen: Doctor, what's happened to Daria? Jane: Yeah, what the fuck happened to her? Hawkeye: Daria was severely beaten with a blunt instrument. She's got a lot of internal injuries, head trauma, and possibly some broken bones, but that's not the main concern. She was beaten into a coma. We can deal with the injures, but we don't know if the coma is reversible yet. We're operating on her even as we speak. Trent: (With an angry tone in his voice.) That bitch Sandi did this to her! She's hated Daria ever since those two first met! Quinn: Oh, my God! Could it be true? Sandi couldn't do anything like that! Reed: Daria said she did before she blacked out. (Quinn has a look of shock on her face. Suddenly, she begins to cry.) Quinn: (Screaming.) NO! WHY DARIA! WHY HER! SHE DIDN'T POSE A THREAT TO SANDI! WHY! WHY! WHY! (Helen comes up to Quinn and consoles her.) Helen: There, there, Quinn, everything's going to be OK. Quinn: Mom? Helen: Yes, Dear? Quinn: I never told anyone about this, but even when I hated Daria for all the times she got on my case, a part of me wished that I was a lot more like her. I wish I was as smart and witty as she is. I guess part of me loves her, even if she can be a nagging bitch! (She begins to cry from the bottom of her heart now.) (Jane begins to cry herself now. Trent and Amanda hug her. Cut to Daria in the ICU [Intensive Care Unit], hooked up to monitors. She's bandaged up all over her head and arms. Her mouth is uncovered, and it seems she's attempting to mouth the words, "Trent, I love you." She then falls back to unconsciousness.) ================================================================ Scene 2: Lawndale High School cafeteria, 11:30 AM Tuesday. Background music: The opening bars of "One" by Creed. ================================================================ (We see the remaining members of the Fashion Club here, including Acting President Quinn, Candy and Tiffany. However, we also see Brittany here, surprisingly.) Quinn: I'm calling this special meeting of the Fashion Club to order. Candy: Quinn, I think maybe before we begin, we should have a moment of silence and remember Daria in our thoughts. Quinn: Very well. (There is silence for a minute.) Anyway, guys, we've just endured the worst crisis ever to hit the Fashion Club. However, what had to be done had to be done. Sandi was becoming more and more destructive, and therefore, was going to wind up destroying this club with it. We've now got to pick up the pieces on this matter, and move ahead. Agreed? (Everyone nods their heads.) OK, the first order of business is to elect a permanent president. As much as I want to be in this position permanently, I don't think I want the responsibility. Therefore, I am nominating Candy Kaine to be our new president. Do I hear any other nominations? (Silence.) Hearing none, I hereby declare nominations closed. All those in favor of electing Candy Kaine as our new president please raise your hands. (Quinn, Candy and Tiffany do so.) Congratulations, Candy. (Candy stands up and shakes Quinn's hand. She now takes Quinn's place.) Candy: I just want to thank everyone for their support. I hope I can guide the Fashion Club to a new and better era than the one that came to such a tragic end recently. OK, now on to other business. I have extended an invitation to Brittany here (She motions to her.) to join us. I figure it's time for us to add some new members here. Are there any objections? (Silence.) Hearing none, welcome to the Fashion Club, Brittany. (She shakes her hand.) Brittany: Gee, thanks, Candy! (Twirling her hair.) You know, this corrects a grave injustice that was done to me several years ago. (29) I just hope all of you are willing to give me a chance to be an outstanding member of this organization. Candy: Thanks, Brittany. Now, on to the main reason why we're here. Before this meeting began, Quinn and I spoke to Ms. Li about giving us a conditional reinstatement of our organization as an officially sanctioned club of this school provided we take care of the business we're going to take care of right now. (30) We really need to adopt an amendment to our bylaws expressing that we do not condone eating disorders and agree to hold a seminar on the same. Tiffany, as our acting secretary, would you please read the resolutions? Tiffany: Here's the first resolution: "Resolved, that the Fashion Club does hereby adopt the following amendment to its bylaws--as required by Title 6, Article 3, § 5, ¶ 2 of the State Education Law--as follows: 'The Fashion Club shall not condone any member resorting to anorexia nervosa, bulimia, or other eating disorders in order to meet the criteria for weight as expressed in these bylaws. Any member so caught in the act of an eating disorder shall be expelled.'" The second resolution is as follows: "Resolved, that the Fashion Club shall hold a seminar on the dangers of eating disorders on Saturday, April 17, 1999 at 10:00 AM at Quinn Morgendorffer's house at 1111 Glen Oaks Lane, Lawndale, in accordance with Title 6, Article 3, § 5, ¶ 2 of the State Education Law." Candy: Thank you, Tiffany. Do I hear a motion to move the both of these resolutions together? Quinn: I make that motion. Candy: Do I hear a second? Brittany: MMMMM, I'll second it. Candy: OK, just for the record, I want this vote recorded as a roll call vote. Tiffany? Tiffany: Aye. Candy: Quinn? Quinn: Aye. Candy: Brittany? Brittany: Aye. Candy: And I vote "Aye" myself. The resolution is carried, and the amendment to the bylaws have been passed as well as a date set for the seminar. Tiffany, inform Ms. Li and Jodie that we have passed those resolutions. Tiffany: Yeah. (She gets up and goes.) Candy: If there isn't any other business, then we stand adjourned. (They all get up and go. She turns to Quinn.) Quinn, thanks for your support. Quinn: (Sounds distant.) Yeah, sure. Candy: Quinn, you're going to have a lot more responsibility with your job than Sandi ever gave you. I'm going to be over in Vancouver a lot, (31) so it'll be like you're virtually in charge. I do entrust you to do what you feel is best when I'm away. Be my eyes and ears, so to speak. Quinn: Sure. Uh, Candy, I have to leave after this period. I got excused so I can go see Daria at the hospital. Candy: How's her condition? Quinn: It's been upgraded to serious. She's resting comfortably in her own room now. They patched her up, but now we have to wait and see if she snaps out of the coma. Candy: Wish her well for me. Quinn: You know, if Sandi was here, she wouldn't give a damn about Daria, but you do. Why? Candy: Quinn, I've got to tell you this, but I've got an older sister just like Daria. Quinn: Huh? Candy: Trish is now a sophomore at McGill University in Montréal. She looks quite a lot like Daria. She's also got a cute boyfriend who's going to the law school there. I owe what I am today from Trish. She guided me through some tough times, like when my boyfriend sexually assaulted me. Quinn: When did this happen? Candy: During my first year on the show. She was also a damn good tutor to me. Quinn: Man, I just wish I did things like that with Daria. Well, I did ask her once if she could help me with an English essay I was supposed to write, but I had to pay her money, then she essentially told me to go screw myself. (32) (Tears begin to well up in her eyes. She now embraces Candy.) Oh, Candy, where did I go wrong? (She begins to cry.) Candy: Quinn, you've got to realize that there's more to life than fashion and boys. It's time you grew up a bit. Quinn: If Daria never wakes up, how am I going to do that? Candy: You'll just have to try, that's all. (Quinn continues to cry.) ================================================================ Scene 3: Daria's room at Cedars of Lawndale Hospital, 12:15 PM Tuesday. Background music: The opening acoustic guitar riffs from "Silent Lucidity" by Queensryche. ================================================================ (We see Daria, still bandaged up, hooked up on IV's and monitors. She seems to be tossing and turning a bit. We hear her weakly say something like "Help--me--", then she falls still. Quinn enters.) Quinn: Daria? I don't know if you can hear me, but I've got something I have to say to you. You know, we've been at each other's throats for a long time, I realize that. But it had to take something like this to see how much I care for you in my own way. Daria, you were always the strong one in the family. You could take anything and anyone and cut it down to size. But not everyone likes people like that, Daria. I guess that's the reason why I was telling everyone that you were my cousin instead of my sister. I didn't want to see you get hurt like this. Of course, I now realize what I did was wrong. I have no one to blame but myself for this. (She begins to cry a little.) Daria, I promise you that if you pull through this, I'm going to be a better person. There are some things about me that won't change. Sure, I'll still have my interests in fashion and in boys like I was telling you and Jane when you were editing that film about me you did for English class, (33) but those things aren't going to be my top priority anymore. Candy's told me that I have to be concerned about bigger matters, including how I feel for my family. (She takes Daria's hand.) Daria, I guess you're not going to hear this, but I love you. Don't die on me, Daria. I need you now, more than ever! (She breaks down and cries. She now flees the room, then runs into someone. It turns out to be Jamie.) Jamie! What are you doing here? Jamie: Uh, well, Jeffy and Joey nominated me to go see Daria for the three of us. Quinn: Jamie, I just feel bad about what happened to Daria. It's all my fault. Jamie: Don't blame yourself, Quinn. You can't be held responsible for what Sandi did, if that's what happened. Quinn: But if I told the truth that Daria's my sister in the first place, she wouldn't be lying in a coma right now! Jamie: Quinn, remember just a few weeks ago, when we went out on a date, and we made love? (34) Quinn: Yeah. Jamie: Quinn, that night I saw a different side of you. Someone who cared. You have the potential to be a very nice person if you weren't so airheaded and letting people like Sandi take control of you. I want to help you through this. And I would be honored if you and I went steady. Quinn: You really mean it, Jamie? Jamie: Yeah. Quinn: That's the nicest thing anyone's said to me in a long time. (She begins to cry again. Jamie hugs her.) Jamie: Come on, let's see your sister. (They re-enter the room. Jamie goes up to Daria and kisses her on the chin, the only part of her head that isn't bandaged up.) Get well, Daria. ================================================================ Scene 4: The same, 1:00 PM Tuesday. ================================================================ (We see now that Reed is in here. He looks at Daria.) Reed: Why is it that everyone I know is fated to suffer something terrible? Why does it always seem to be that way? (Reed now thinks back to 1992, back in Los Angeles. The riots that broke out after the officers charged with beating Rodney King were acquitted are happening. Reed is seen at South Central. Fights are breaking out everywhere. We now see a bunch of skinheads descending on a black youth. The youth screams as he's beaten up by the skinheads; we can hear shouts of "DIE, NIGGER!" from them. Reed approaches, but by the time he arrives the skinheads have left. He checks the black youth. He feels no pulse; he's dead. There's rage visible on Reed's face. Cut to later that day, when he returns to his precinct. The precinct captain approaches Reed.) Captain: Reed, we need to see you a minute. Reed: Yeah, sure. Captain: Jim, I don't know how to tell you this, but. . . Reed: What happened? Captain: It's your son, Brian. Reed: What happened to him? Captain: He was stopping some black looters at one of the Korean appliance stores. They gunned him down. He didn't have a chance. I'm sorry. (We cut to a TV; we see Rodney King's face.) King: Can't we all just get along? (Reed slams his fist into a nearby desktop. We suddenly hear someone say "Jim, are you all right?" Cut back to the present, where we see Trent speaking to Reed.) Trent: You OK, man? Reed: Yeah; just thinking about the past. Trent: (Approaching Daria.) Hey, Daria. (He kisses her on the chin like Jamie did before.) Sorry I couldn't bring Janey with me; she's a bit too upset right now, and I don't blame her. Daria, what Sandi did to you was heinous. You didn't deserve what happened to you. I don't know how well you're going to look after they remove the bandages and all that, but don't worry about what I'll think. No matter what all the other students in school tell you, you're beautiful to me. (He now takes an acoustic guitar out of its case.) Daria, I want you to hear a song I wrote for you; I call it, "Hey, Daria". (Trent begins to tune the guitar, then plays a soft, lovely strum on it.) Trent (Singing.): Hey, Daria,/I know you don't like to dress flashy;/Hey, Daria,/But you sure know how to act sassy./(CHORUS:)/I don't mind if you don't wear make-up;/I don't mind if you are cynical;/Hey, Daria,/I like you just as you are./Hey, Daria,/I like you with those glasses on;/Hey, Daria,/I like it when you smirk just as only you can./REPEAT CHORUS/(Guitar instrumental.)/Hey, Daria,/You're very beautiful to me;/ Hey, Daria,/I only want you to get better for me./(CODA:)/I don't mind if you don't wear make-up;/I don't mind if you're cynical;/Hey, Daria,/I like you just as you--/I like you just as you--/I like you just as you are. (He stops playing now. He kisses her on the chin again.) Trent: Get well soon, Daria. (We now see a single tear fall down on his face. Zoom in on it like they did when Iron Eyes Cody cried during those "Keep American Beautiful" commercials in the 1970's, including the violin solo as well. We now see Trent leave, too overwhelmed with emotion. Reed continues his own vigil.) Reed: God, what have we done to ourselves? (We now cut to Daria, and we see a faint trace of her Mona Lisa smile on her; apparently, she heard the song.) ================================================================ Scene 5: The same, 2:30 PM Tuesday. ================================================================ (Tiffany now enters the room. Reed is still sitting, keeping an eye on her.) Tiffany: Uh, Daria? I don't know if you can hear me. You know, ever since you arrived here in Lawndale, I've never been able to figure you out. To be fair, I was never able to figure out Quinn or Stacy for that matter, either. However, what I do know is that what Sandi did to you was wrong. Daria, I don't know if I can ever make up what happened to you, but, for what it's worth, I promise you I'll treat you better in the future than I did in the past. Candy told me that when she met you and Jane, she thought the both of you were OK. I guess if Candy says you're OK, then you're OK by me. Take it easy, OK? (She leaves and goes to a nearby chapel. She kneels in front of the altar and takes out a rosary from her purse.) Saint Jude (35), advocate for those without hope, hear my prayer. I know it's been a long time since I went to church, but there's a girl I barely know in here who got hurt by someone I thought was my best friend. Please help her. Hear my prayer. (We now cut back to Daria's room, where we see Rabbi Benjamin Cohen of Temple Beth Israel, the Reform temple that the Morgendorffers apparently belong to. [36] He has on his yarmulke and prayer shawl.) Cohen: Lord God Almighty, even as you delivered Your chosen people from the yoke of bondage, please, hear my prayer for Daria Marie here. I know that at times she tries even Your patience, but I know that deep down inside of her tough exterior there is a very good young lady within. Please show her the way to Your righteousness. So many people out there need her. Her work is not yet finished. Hear my prayer. Amen. (He turns to Reed.) Thanks for asking for me, Mr. Reed. Reed: Amy told me about her being Jewish. Will she be OK? Cohen: Remember, God is He who can still the stormiest oceans. Is it not within His abilities to heal as well? Reed: Sometimes I wonder. (Cut back to Daria. Zoom in on her, then cut to someplace that seems very black. In the background, we can hear the ominous notes of "Abyss (To Hell with the Devil)" by Stryper starting. Daria does not have the slightest idea where she is.) Daria: Where am I? What am I doing here? Unidentified Voice: You know where you are, and you know me. Daria: Who are you? Unidentified Voice: Come closer and see for yourself. (Daria approaches where the voice is coming from. As she nears, we see someone who looks like the elderly Jake from the fantasy sequence in "Write Where it Hurts", but he's in a military uniform. It's apparently "Mad Dog" Morgendorffer himself. Daria sees this and gasps.) ================================================================ Scene 6: An Interstate Highway somewhere in the Tri-County Area, 3:00 PM Tuesday. Background music: The guitar chorus from "YYZ" by Rush. ================================================================ (We see Sandi on the run. She looks disheveled. She pauses to catch her breath.) Sandi: (Panting.) Got--to--keep--moving. Don't--let--them--catch-me. (Suddenly, she sees a mirage; it looks like Daria. The mirage seems to be taunting her.) Mirage of Daria: You won't get away with this! I will haunt you until you die! HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA! Sandi: (Shrieking.) LEAVE ME ALONE! (She picks up a rock from the side of the road, and tosses it. The mirage scatters. Suddenly, we see a Lawndale County Sheriff's Department cruiser go down the road. Sandi panics and hides in some nearby shrubs.) Masons run the country! (37) Masons run the country! HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA! ================================================================ Scene 7: Back at Daria's room at Cedars of Lawndale Hospital, 3:30 PM Tuesday. ================================================================ (We see Kevin and Brittany enter the room now, with Reed still keeping an eye on Daria. They're not in their usual football uniform and cheerleader uniform; Kevin's wearing a red cut-off T-shirt that exposes his abdomen and jeans, while Brittany's wearing a white cashmere sweater and gray sweat pants.) Kevin: Daria, it's us, Kevin and Brittany. Brittany: (Twirling her hair again.) MMMM, Daria, I know you're feeling a lot of pain, but we came here to cheer you up! (Suddenly, she moves about as if she's shaking her pom-poms.) Gimme a "G"! Gimme a "E"! Gimme a "T"! Gimme a "W"! Gimme a "E"! Gimme a "L"! Gimme another "L"! What's that spell? GET WELL! What's that spell? GET WELL! What's that spell? GET WELL! GEEEEEEEEEET WEEEEEEEELLLLLL! (She jumps into the air with a split and does a Jenny McCarthy-like "WHOOO!".) Reed: (Angrily.) Jesus fucking Christ, keep it down! Brittany: EEP! Kevin: Hey, sor-rry! Brittany: Well, anyway, Daria, they admitted me into the Fashion Club. I'm going to be the new secretary/treasurer. They decided to combine the posts. Candy and the others wanted to extend their wishes to you to get well. Kevin: Daria, I know that we're on opposite sides of the popularity meter, but, for what it's worth, we think you're OK in our book. It's just that Sandi was so dictatorial about how everyone in school was to treat you and all that. Brittany: I think Mack and Jodie may be over here soon themselves. (There's a sudden knock on the door. We now see Mack and Jodie.) Mack: We aren't interrupting anything, are we? Kevin: Nope, Mack Daddy. (Mack shakes his head, while Jodie just groans to herself.) Mack: Man, she's busted up all right. Jodie: Poor Daria; why would Sandi do this to her? Brittany: From what I heard, Sandi's had it in for Daria for a long time. So maybe she prefers glasses to contacts and doesn't wear nail polish, (38) but that doesn't give anyone the right to attack her like Sandi did. (Kevin now takes out the glasses he wore in "Through a Lens Darkly".) Kevin: Daria, I heard your glasses got busted in the attack. I'm going to give this to your Dad and ask him to have lenses put in them for you. I guess he knows your prescription. (Speaking of which, Jake and Helen now enter.) Jake: (Softly.) Hi, kiddo. (He pats Daria on her head.) How's my little pumpkin doing? Helen: (Pleasingly surprised.) Jake, you haven't called Daria that since she was five years old. Mack, Jodie, Kevin, Brittany and Reed: Kiddo? Little pumpkin? Jake: (Now totally embarrassed.) It's a long story. Jodie: Where's Quinn? Helen: She saw Daria earlier. She's trying to get some homework done. I think what's happened to Daria's changed her. Usually she gabs with her friends on the phone before she does her homework. It's like something was taken out of her soul. Reed: I hope that it will be for the better. Helen: (Now approaching Daria.) Hi, sweetie. Mom's right here for you. We're all rooting for you to pull through this. I know that we all get on our nerves at times, but I also know that deep down inside of you--where you even don't admit it--you love us, even Quinn. And I know that Quinn loves you and Dad and me, and I love you, Dad and Quinn, and Dad loves you, Quinn and me. (She grabs her hand; a tear begins to fall down her face.) Don't die on me, huh? Please? (She begins to cry. Jake consoles her. Jodie begins to cry herself as Mack hugs her. Brittany cries now, and hugs Kevin. Reed gets up.) Reed: Is it me, or is Daria the lone voice of reason in a town full of mad people? (Reed now thinks back to January, 1994, back in Los Angeles. It's the aftermath of the earthquake that struck that year. A building has collapsed somewhere in Brentwood. Reed, along with Officer John Friday, Sgt. Friday's son, pull over in their car and get out.) Reed: There might be people trapped in there, John. Be careful; it looks very unstable. John Friday: Right. (They now enter with flashlights. They see a young girl, perhaps no older than eight, who looks like Daria when she was that age.) Girl: (Weakly.) Help me! Help me! Reed: We'll get you out in a second. (Rumbling.) Where's your Mommy and Daddy? Girl: I don't know. John Friday: (Clearing out the rubble.) I got her. (He takes her out. More rumbling.) Let's get out of here! This place is gonna collapse! (Reed leads the girl, with John Friday behind them. Reed and the girl get out. Reed turns around to see John just at the door, but then the building collapses on him, crushing him to death.) Reed: JOHN! JOHN! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! (Cut back to the present. Reed clenches his fists.) Reed: I'm going to find this animal who did this to Daria! (The "Adam-12" theme kicks in as Reed goes to his car, and drives off. He turns on the radio.) Radio Announcer: Lawndale County Sheriff's deputies think they spotted Sandi Griffin, wanted in the beating of Daria Morgendorffer, somewhere along the Tri-County Freeway in a wooded area near Oakwood. She is considered dangerous due to her unstable mental condition. If you see her, please do not take any action on your own; instead, call 911 and inform them. Thank you. Reed: Pete, I could have used you now. ================================================================ Scene 8: Daria's room again, 6:00 PM Tuesday. ================================================================ (We now see Jane, Stacy, Andrea and Laura, Stacy's friend from "Karen Carpenter Blues", are all here. Stacy is wearing the look she adopted at the end of "Karen Carpenter Blues": Her hair is down; she's wearing eyeglasses, faded T-shirt, baggy jeans and Vans sneakers.) Stacy: Daria, we've only been friends for only such a short while, but it seems we've known each other for a long time. You've given me a new reason for living. The counselor told me I'm making a lot of progress since I began my treatments for bulimia. I owe my life to you, Daria. If it wasn't for you, I'd be dead now. I know you can't cry right now, so I'll cry for the both of us. (She begins to cry.) Jane: Hang in there, Daria. Life here in Lawndale wouldn't be the same without you here. (A tear begins to fall down her face as well.) Andrea: I guess you know I don't have too much to say, but, if makes you feel better, I'll find Sandi and sacrifice her to Satan for you. (Even she begins to cry now.) (Zoom in on Daria's bandaged face. We now cut back to Daria in some unknown location, with what apparently looks like "Mad Dog" Morgendorffer in front of her.) Daria: Grandpa Morgendorffer? "Mad Dog": Yes, that's me. Daria: What are you doing here? "Mad Dog": I should ask you that question. Daria: Where am I? "Mad Dog": You will know soon enough. I am so ashamed of you. Jake should have put you in military school like I did to him. Daria: But you know Dad resented that. Why did you do that? "Mad Dog": Because I wanted to make a man out of him. Daria: What you did was destroy his self-esteem and make him into a spineless wimp. "Mad Dog": Don't you dare speak about your father that way! (Daria notices a pentagram on his dress jacket.) Daria: I don't think the armed forces give a pentagram medal out. Who are you, really? (Suddenly, "Mad Dog" transforms into Satan. Daria gasps. Flames now shoot out, and we see that this is Hell. Satan laughs furiously.) Satan: Welcome home, my child! You lived your life like the selfish bitch I expected you to be! Daria: Selfish? Does having common sense and the ability to see through life's shit for what it is selfish? Satan: You were always a little miserable twit, weren't you? No wonder why Tommy Sherman called you "The Misery Chick". Look at him! (We see a shot of him tied and bound to a goalpost as demons torture him.) He was surely the cock of the walk when he was alive, but now he's playing for my team, FOREVER! And now, you belong to me as well! (He grabs Daria; she screams.) (Cut back to the hospital room, where suddenly, Daria jerks around violently. Suddenly, the heart monitor flatlines with that characteristic "BEEP!") Jane: Daria, NO! Stacy: NURSE! DOCTOR! ANYONE! Unidentified Doctor's Voice: Code Blue in Room E-321! The Morgendorffer girl! Stat! (Hawkeye enters with a nurse.) Hawkeye: Dammit, I thought she was out of the woods now! Gimme the paddles! (The nurse gives them to him. He moistens them, tears down Daria's smock, then puts them on her.) Clear! (He jolts her. Nothing.) Again! (He jolts her again. Still nothing.) Dammit, Daria! Don't die on me! You hear me, don't die on me! I saw too many kids die in Korea! I can't stand it! YOU'RE GONNA LIVE, DAMMIT! YOU HEAR ME? YOU'RE GONNA LIVE! (Cut back to Hell. Daria's squirming in Satan's grasp. Suddenly, a bolt of lightning zaps Satan, causing him to release Daria. Daria turns around and sees a tall, statuesque young lady dressed in a white robe in front of her; she's got long, flowing black hair and blue eyes.) Daria: Thanks. Young Lady: Sure; anything for my kid sister. Daria: Huh? Young Lady: Daria, didn't Mom and Dad tell you about me? I'm your older sister, Kristin. (Daria has a shocked look on her face. As we cut to commercial, there's no background music at all. We just see a widescreen shot of Daria in Satan's grasp in a purple tint and in slow-motion with the "Daria" logo superimposed over it.) ================================================================ COMMERCIAL BREAK # 2 ================================================================ (An instrumental version of "You're Standing on My Neck" by Splendora begins to play.) Announcer: More "Daria" action figures are on the way! Here are some that are available right now! The "Weepy O'Neill" action figure, with actual crying action for you gals who like a sensitive man! (Show a picture of the O'Neill action figure crying.) Announcer: Also available, the "Karate-Chopping Barch" action figure! Just wind her up and she'll kick the ass of all your male dolls! (Show a picture of the Barch action figure kicking the crap out of the "Neurotic DeMartino" action figure seen in the previous commercial.) Announcer: Here's the "Taskmaster Li" action figure, complete with hand-held metal detector and whip! Here's the "Jiggling Brittany" action figure, with real jiggling breasts! Finally, there's the "Sleeping Trent" action figure, with actual snoring noises and his own bed! (Show a shot of the Powerpuff Girls playing with the action figures.) Blossom: We Powerpuff Girls are proud to endorse these action figures! Bubbles: Yeah! The Trent action figure is so cute when he's asleep! Buttercup: Oh, yeah? (She winds up the Barch action figure, which then attacks the Trent action figure. Bubbles begins to cry.) Blossom: Buttercup! How could you? Announcer: More dolls to come soon! Get them all! The "Daria" action figures collection! Only from Blammo! Batteries not included. (Another commercial.) Announcer: On the next "South Park", Cartman's cousin Blake and his band Spiral Taps are miffed when they have to play second fiddle when a famous band comes to town. (Show a shot of the amphitheater used in "One Band Town". The mayor steps out to the stage.) Mayor: Ladies and gentlemen, making their first appearance in twenty years, Josie and the Pussycats! (Applause. The band begins to play the theme to their show. Fast cut to the rafters, where Blake is cutting the ropes holding an amplifier in place.) Blake: I'll show those bitches! Nobody shows up Spiral Taps and gets away with it! (Fast cut to the seats. We see Kyle, Stan, Cartman and Kenny seated. Kyle looks up.) Kyle: Hey, Cartman, isn't that your cousin Blake cutting those ropes holding that amplifier that's just above Josie there? Cartman: Mind your own (BLEEP!)ing business! (Kenny mumbles something.) Stan: Man, Kenny's right! You've got to save her, Kenny! (Kenny gets up and goes to the stage. We now see the ropes snap and the amplifier fall down. Kenny shoves Josie out of the way just as the amplifier crushes him.) Stan: Oh, my God! They killed Kenny! Kyle: You bastards! Announcer: That's happening on the next "South Park"! Wednesday night at 10:00 PM Eastern, 9:00 PM Central, only on Comedy Central! ================================================================ FEDERATION SPACE STATION DEEP SPACE ACT III (OK, that one was lame, but I wanted to keep within the "Star Trek" motif!) ================================================================ Scene 1: Somewhere along the Tri-Counties Freeway, 6:09 PM Tuesday. ================================================================ (We see Reed driving along. He's thinking back again, this time to 1994, around June, when the O. J. Simpson case broke out. We see him approaching Chief Willie Williams. He hands over his ID card and his badge.) Williams: What's the meaning of that? Reed: I'm resigning. Williams: Why? Reed: I tried to play the role of the good officer for a lot of years now, but now I realize I can't. Jean's recent death from breast cancer just convinced me. Williams: I don't get it. Reed: Well, I do! This department's lost touch with the community it's supposed "To Protect and To Serve". Most blacks can't trust us, and for good reason. They think all of us are out to get them, and I'm beginning to think that many of my fellow officers actually believe that. Williams: We've done a lot to change that since the King riots. They appointed me, didn't they? Reed: I remember when Malloy and I were investigating an ambush by that Brotherhood organization. Two cops were gunned down; one white, the other black. It was the black cop who gunned down one of the perps. And yet those thugs thought it was a white officer who did it. (39) Then you've got departments like the New Jersey State Police who pull over black motorists due to some inane "profiles". I don't think anything's changed since the civil rights protests, not a damn thing. And it's not just blacks, it seems everyone's getting cynical about us. We're supposed to be the people's servants, not their masters. Williams: You're just upset about Jean. Reed: It isn't just about Jean! It's also about my son, Sgt. Friday and his son, and Malloy! I've lost too many people in my life, people I cared for! Williams: You know, Captain DeSoto over at the County FD still holds you in high regard. Reed: We've lost sight of what's important in this nation. And it covers everyone no matter what political stripe they are. People are too afraid to change the system, and if we just sit back, those militia groups and taxpayers' groups will make changes, and not for the better of society. Those scum are only a step removed from the KKK. Williams: You of all people should know that they're no different than the Brotherhood or the Black Panthers or the FALN. Reed: Which is the scariest part. It's becoming just like the old Latin saying: "Silent leges inter arma: 'In times of war, the law falls silent.'" We've declared war on our own people due to misconceptions that they're all criminals, saboteurs or radicals. Is that what we're becoming here, a police state? Williams: I wish you'd reconsider your decision, Reed. We need people like you. Reed: No, I'm gone. I'm going to work for real change. Change that will benefit everyone, not just for the white middle class living reasonably well in the suburbs while the rest of America goes to pot. Good day, chief. (He turns to go.) Williams: (Holding his wallet.) At least keep this; we were going to retire your badge number. (Reed takes the wallet and tosses the ID card out of it.) Reed: The badge I'll keep; I don't need the ID. (He leaves.) Williams: He is right. Where have we gone wrong? (Fast forward to about a few months ago. The setting is backstage at the KDOC studios in Anaheim. A taping of "Hot Seat with Wally George" is happening. Reed is sitting in a chair waiting his turn when we see Amy arrive. She's wearing the orange sweater and black stretch pants she wore in "Through a Lens Darkly". She sits next to Reed.) Reed: Hi. What are you in for? Amy: (Chucking over that.) I'm supposed to take on Wally over his views on mandatory drug testing at school. My niece Daria gave me some information based on her own eyewitness accounts. Reed: I'm supposed to be talking about the declining state of race relations. (The crowd roars in excitement. Apparently Wally's current guest is getting on his case.) Unidentified Voice: Look at what welfare reform's done already. Innocent people have been kicked off welfare--including many minorities--and they're starving. If this keeps up, the Black Panthers will be making a comeback, and when they go gunning after the right-wing militia groups, be prepared for a civil war far worse than the first one. Wally: You jerk! You're outta here! (Roars from the crowd can be heard. A burly guard hustles the guest out. He's a black man wearing a pastor's outfit.) Black Minister: You just wait until I tell Al Sharpton about you! (He's led off.) Amy: So, what's Wally George like? Reed: He makes Rush Limbaugh look like a Communist. Amy: Do you know that he's the father of actress Rebecca DeMornay? Reed: Yeah; they've been estranged for years. Amy: Anyway, I'm Amy Barksdale; I write a column for "Women's Real Issues" magazine and I often appear on the PBS newsmagazine "To the Contrary". (40) Reed: I'm Jim Reed. I used to be with the LAPD. Amy: I've got a rather cynical view about law enforcement. Reed: I used to be optimistic, but I saw too much shit going down. Now I'm fighting for change. Guard: Ms. Barksdale! You're next! Amy: Feel like some lunch after this? Reed: Sure. I know a nice drive-in not too far from here. Amy: OK. Just tell me where it is, and I'll meet you there. (They shake hands. Cut back to the present. Reed is still driving.) Reed: If Daria dies, I'm gonna rip Sandi's head off and hand it to her parents on a silver platter! ================================================================ Scene 2: Hell, time unknown. Background music: The opening guitar riffs from "To Hell with the Devil" by Stryper. ================================================================ (We see Daria just as we left her: Seeing someone who says she's her older sister Kristin.) Daria: This is some kind of a joke, isn't it? Kristin: No, it isn't. Daria: How come Mom and Dad didn't tell me about you? Kristin: I was born prematurely in 1976. I died a few days after that due to complications. Mom and Dad were reluctant to have another child for a few years after that. You came a few years later. You could say that I'm your guardian angel. Daria: If that's the case, where were you when I needed you a few times? Kristin: Nobody's perfect, not even guardian angels. (Satan roars in anger.) Daria: Well, what do we do now? Kristin: I'm the only way you can get back to the land of the living, Daria. Leave it to me. Satan: (Roaring.) You will be mine, Daria! Kristin: You will not have her soul, Satan! She still has much to accomplish back on Earth! Satan: She's mine now! (He lunges forward. Kristin produces a broadsword. Satan produces a broadsword himself. They now fall to battle.) Daria: This looks like something out of that virtual reality game I play at the arcade. (41) (The battle continues. Fast cut back to Daria's room. Hawkeye continues using the paddles on her.) Hawkeye: Come on, Daria, dammit! Clear! (The paddles jolt Daria again.) Jane: Daria, don't quit on us now! Goddammit, don't quit on us now! (Fast cut back to Hell. The battle continues. Suddenly, Satan disarms Kristin, who is now prostrate before him. The sword falls within Daria's reach.) Satan: Now you will die! Kristin: I am ready to give my life for my God! Daria: NO! (She suddenly grabs the sword, runs up to Satan, and stabs him. He falls down. Suddenly, Satan transforms, and we see its another demon.) Kristin: An impostor! I knew it! The big guy never risks big jobs like this himself. Demon: This is not over for you, Daria. One of these days, Satan will have your soul! (He dies.) Kristin: Time for you to return to the land of the living. (A light shines above them.) Daria: Tell me one thing before I go. Kristin: What? Daria: What would you have been if you had lived? Kristin: Probably like you. (She smirks that Mona Lisa smile of Daria's, who returns it.) Now you must go. (Daria can feel herself being pulled up.) Daria: It was nice knowing you. (Cut back to Daria's room. Hawkeye is still using the paddles.) Hawkeye: Dammit, Daria, if you don't pull through this I'll--Clear! (He jolts her again. Suddenly, Daria bolts right up with a gasp, just like she did after the nightmares in "Monster", "Ill" and "Through a Lens Darkly." She catches her breath.) Daria: Where the Hell am I, and why is it so dark? Jane: (Overcome with emotion.) DARIA! Stacy: She's alive! She's alive! Daria: OK, so where's Dr. Frankenstein? Hawkeye: Right here. Just remember to stay away from fire and little children. And have those bolts on your neck rotated after ten thousand miles. (Jane does that evil smirk of hers even as tears of joy fall down her face. Stacy cries for joy herself, and even Andrea grins a little.) Jane: Andrea, get Jake, Helen and Quinn down here. Andrea: Yeah, sure. (She leaves to go to a pay phone.) Jane: Welcome back to the land of the living, Daria. Daria: Jane, I had a near-death experience. I thought I saw my grandfather, except he was Satan, but then it turned out to be one of his demon minions. I also met the older sister I never knew. Jane: Older sister? Daria: It's a long story. ================================================================ Scene 3: A wooded area near the Tri-County Freeway in Oakwood, 6:30 PM Tuesday. Background music: The opening guitar squeals from "Year of tha Boomerang" by Rage Against the Machine. ================================================================ (Reed is driving down the road again. We see several sheriff's cars parked near the area. Reed stops and gets out. He sees a deputy there.) Reed: Excuse me, what's going on? Deputy: We think we found the Griffin girl, Sir. Reed: Think I could help? I used to be with the LAPD. Deputy: No harm in that, I guess. Just be careful; she's very unstable mentally. Reed: They certainly taught me how to deal with that kind of situation at the Academy. (He goes into the woods. He searches up and down. Finally, he finds Sandi, disheveled.) Sandi, I need to talk to you. Sandi: You keep away from me! (She now grabs a rock.) I swear I'll break your skull with this! Reed: Sandi, you're going to have to turn yourself in. What you did to Daria was wrong, very wrong. In fact, if she dies, odds are the DA's going to pursue trying you as an adult, and you could get the death penalty. Do you want that? Sandi: Who gives a shit about that fucking nerd Daria? She never really cares for anyone but herself and her shitty friend Jane. She wants to take over the Fashion Club and admit other girls like her like that Andrea freak. I won't allow it! You hear me, I won't allow it! Reed: That may be so, but you still did a very bad thing. Sandi: You know, if she dies, it won't be a big loss; she's really nobody. (Reed now thinks back to 1968, to the Academy. It's Graduation Day. We see among the crowd his parents as well as his wife Jean. We also notice Sgt. Friday and Officer Gannon present as well. Chief Thomas Redding [42] takes the podium.) Redding: Will the cadets please raise your right hand and repeat after me: "I," (Replies of "I".) State your name. (Various names are spoken.) "Do solemnly swear to uphold the constitution and laws of the United States, the State of California and the City and County of Los Angeles," (The cadets repeat the statement.) "And will to the best of my ability," (Phrase repeated by the cadets.) "Faithfully discharge my duties as an officer of the Los Angeles Police Department to the best of my ability." (Phrase repeated by cadets.) "So help me, God." (Phrase repeated by cadets.) Congratulations. You are now duly sworn officers of the LAPD. (Hats are thrown into the air. Afterwards, Reed sees his parents and Jean. Sgt. Friday and Officer Gannon now approach.) Friday: Congratulations, Reed. (They shake hands.) Reed: Thanks, Sgt. Friday. Friday: Is that your wife and your parents there? Reed: Yes. (To his parents and Jean.) Mom, Dad, Jean, this is Sgt. Joe Friday; that's his partner Officer Bill Gannon. Gannon: I wish Irene was here, but she had her weekly bridge club; she goes to that faithfully every week. Friday: Reed, I just wanted to speak to you about something. Reed: Sure, what's it about? Friday: Reed, you've become an officer of this department. This job calls for a great deal of responsibility. Every day, when you put on that uniform, I want you to remember that there are a lot of good, honest, hard-working people out there who are counting on you to protect and serve them. Never lose sight of the fact that these people pay their taxes so that people like you can put in an eight-hour shift making sure that their welfare is protected from harm. There are some people today who think that what we are doing is wrong, that sometimes we single out people due to the color of their skin of due to a lack of money. There are some bad eggs out there on the force; I won't deny it. But we have to make sure that the vast majority of honest officers out there can prove to the public that there are good cops out there. Also, never forget that no one is ever worthless; no one is ever a nobody. There are days that you're going to think that your job isn't worth it, but let me tell you something: If you change the life of just one person in your daily tasks--just one person--then that's worth a lot more than all the money in the world. Don't ever lose sight of that, Reed. Reed: Thanks, Sgt. Friday. Friday: Remember that when you're faced in some situation that makes you doubt your abilities to serve this community. Reed: I will. Gannon: We'd better head back to Parker Center, Joe. Friday: Yeah, we've got some paperwork to catch up. (They go.) Reed: Well, now onto my career as an officer. (Fast cut back to the present. Reed is still confronting Sandi.) Sandi: Besides, why would you care about someone like Daria; her kind doesn't trust people like you. I've said it before, and I've said it again, she's nobody. Reed: (Now finding new resolve.) She isn't nobody. Maybe she sees things better than most people; she sees them for what they are. Sandi: And I don't? Reed: Sandi, I've been speaking to a lot of your friends. I spoke to Quinn, I spoke to Stacy, I even spoke to some of your old elementary school friends. They all told me you weren't always like this. They said something happened to you that caused you to become what you are today. Sandi: Liar! Reed: I was driving along, and I spoke to some people. I think I spoke to a Danny Moreno earlier. He told me that you used to be considered a nerd yourself when you were in elementary school. Sandi: That's not true! Reed: Sandi, Danny gave me a picture of you that proves otherwise. (He takes it out and shows it to Sandi.) Sandi, it's over. Your reign of terror over the other kids in school is over. I intend to show this to Ms. Li and everyone else in school. Give yourself up while you still have a chance. Sandi: (Now freaking out at the prospect that everyone will know that she used to be like Daria.) NO! I WON'T LET YOU DO THAT! (She now throws the rock at Reed, but misses. She runs for it, but Reed, despite pushing his late 50's, runs up to her and tackles her. Some deputies--including the one Reed spoke to a few minutes ago--run up as well.) NO! LET ME GO! I WON'T LET YOU RUIN ME! Deputy: Sandi Griffin, you're under arrest for assault with intent to murder against Daria Morgendorffer. (He handcuffs her. Sandi lets out a primal scream as she's hauled away.) Another Deputy: Are you all right, Sir? Reed: Yeah, now I am. I was just reminded why I joined the LAPD in the first place. What will happen to her now? Another Deputy: We're going to take her to Brookside Rest Home for a psychiatric evaluation. (43) If she's deemed mentally competent to stand trial, it then becomes a question of whether she can be tried as an adult. Reed: If it was up to me, I'd take it easy on her; she's gone through too much as it is. Another Deputy: That is for the DA to decide. (They now grimly walk away. Pan to the rock Sandi threw.) ================================================================ Scene 4: Daria's room at Cedars of Lawndale Hospital, 7:00 PM Tuesday. Background music: The violin solo from "Nothing Compares 2 U" by Sinéad O'Connor. ================================================================ (Jake, Helen, Quinn, Jamie and Amy are all around Daria's bed. The bandages have been removed from Daria's head. She's got a lot of bruises around her face, but is otherwise not the worse for wear. A new pair of glasses that look like the ones she had broken are on her face now.) Daria: Mom, Dad, how come you never told me about Kristin? Jake: Well, we though it would have been better if you didn't know about that. We thought it would have upset you. Daria: Did what happen to me actually happen, or was it just my imagination? Amy: The cynic in me would say the latter, but if you believe it happened, then it did. Quinn: Well, we're just glad you're getting better now. The doctor says you're healing very nicely now. Daria: Yeah, the doctor said that he thought I was extremely lucky. No broken bones, no major internal injures. The worst I'm getting out of this are some bruises and a slight limp in my left leg, and even those will be gone after a few weeks. Jamie: Daria, we're all looking forward to seeing you back at school. Daria: That's supposed to make me laugh, right? Quinn: No, Daria, we're all serious about that. (Reed enters.) Reed: They captured Sandi. They're going to need almost all of you for questioning. Helen: We'd better be going now. Take it easy, sweetie. (She kisses Daria on the cheek. She and the others now leave. Daria takes off her glasses and tries to sleep. Suddenly, we hear a knock on the door. Daria opens her eyes and sees it's Trent.) Trent: Hey, Daria. Hope I wasn't disturbing you. Daria: No; I was just going to swallow a cyanide pill and end it all. Trent: (Chuckling.) Good one, Daria. (He gets to her side now. He notices some slippers. He takes them up and we notice that they're the embarrassing dog slippers Daria keeps beneath her bed as mentioned in "The Daria Diaries".) These yours, Daria? Daria: (Blushing.) Uh, yeah. Trent: Daria, I want to talk to you about something. Daria: What about? Trent: It's about us. Daria, I don't like seeing you getting hurt like this. I think maybe I'm partly to blame for what happened. Sandi wasn't too crazy about seeing me helping you when you got spritzed at the car wash fund raiser. (44) She wasn't too crazy about us when we got into that accident at the Seven Corners either. (45) Your folks weren't too crazy about me when Janey and I stayed at your place when the IRS tried to seize our house. (46) Daria, you're a very special person in my life; I won't deny that. You're beautiful, you make me laugh, but I don't know if I can get into a relationship with you right now. I'm 21, and you're 16. If we got serious, your folks would freak. Daria: Trent, age shouldn't matter. When I first met you, I was literally swept off my feet. Back at Highland, no one wanted me except for Beavis and Butt-Head, and those two would have porked the first female animal they'd find to satisfy their lusts. You're different; you're not some macho jock like the guys in school are. Trent: Yeah, I know. After you graduate from high school, maybe we can get serious then. Daria, you will always have a place in my heart. Daria: And you will in mine, Trent. (We can see tears form.) Trent: Daria, there is one thing I can do for you. Daria: What? Trent: Remember a few days ago I said you needed to vent your emotions once in a while? I want to be something like an emotional release valve for you. I know you don't like showing how you feel to others, but you can trust me. It won't go any further than me. (He extends his arms out to Daria. She sits up, then embraces him. She begins to cry from the bottom of her heart now.) Daria: Trent, I was scared. Sandi got the better of me and won over me by scaring me. I thought I was better than that. I always thought I was a brave person. Trent: Daria, being brave doesn't mean you're not going to be not afraid of everything. Being brave means facing up to the things that scare you the most. And you're not a loser. Sandi didn't win. You're still alive, right? Daria: You know what was the worst part? Trent: What? Daria: After she was done beating me up, she called me an ugly bitch! (She now really cries. Trent begins to cry himself.) Trent: Daria, you are not ugly. In fact, I think you're kinda cute. (Daria suddenly gives a puzzled look at Trent.) Daria: Huh? Trent: Well, I don't mean "cute" by how Quinn defines it. I mean "cute" by how I define it. I saw you sleeping a few times during your weekly sleepovers with Janey. You know, you look so cute when you're sleeping, without your glasses on and wearing that T-shirt and shorts. You also look vulnerable when you're sleeping. Daria: Trent, how come you never told me this before? Trent: Because I didn't know how you would have taken it. I know you're not vain and all that, but let's face it, what you said about not having low self-esteem but having low esteem for everyone else isn't totally true. (47) You hold Janey and me in very high esteem, but you're very self-critical. I'm not trying to give you the same spiel Mr. O'Neill gave to you and Janey at his self-esteem workshop, not at all. What you should do is be a bit more open about yourself. Start with me. That's all I ask. Daria: Thanks, Trent. I really appreciate it. Trent: And don't think that's a sign of weakness. You're a very strong-willed woman, and I appreciate that. But even the best of us need some help once in a while. Daria: Trent, just hold me. I want to get some things out of my system that I've been bottling up for a long time. (She now really cries. Trent pats her on the back. We now see Jane approaching, but she respectfully keeps her distance.) Jane: (To herself.) We're going to help you through this, Daria. We all will. ================================================================ Scene 5: The same, 8:30 AM Wednesday. ================================================================ (Daria is seen up on her feet. A cane is seen nearby her. She's wearing her usual outfit of green jacket, brown T-shirt, black pleated knee-length skirt and black Doc Martens boots. Daria is seen packing up to leave. There is a knock on her door. We now see that it's Pastor Daniel Collier, the character who was speaking to Amy when she arrived at Lawndale International Airport in "Karen Carpenter Blues".) Collier: I hope I wasn't interrupting anything. Daria: No. Just getting ready to go. Who are you? Collier: Pastor Daniel Collier, St. Luke's Lutheran Church. Daria: Why see me? I'm a Reformed Jew. Collier: Your Aunt Amy asked if I could see you for a moment. Amy's Lutheran herself. Daria: (Sighs.) OK. Collier: Daria, I know Sandi did a very vicious thing to you. But if you want to prove that you're bigger than her on this, it would be in your best interests to forgive her. Daria: Huh? Collier: From what everyone's been telling me about her, she's been mean and cruel to everyone because of the abuses she's suffered in the past. If you forgive her, it could help her on the way to healing herself from what's been happening to her. You know, I once took judo when I was the chaplain at a U. S. Army base in Okinawa, and the sensei (48) there told me that in judo, you are to use your opponent's strengths against him or her. This is kind of the same thing. Sandi's strength is in cutting people down to size. It's also her biggest weakness. If you forgive her, she'll feel cut down, and she'll start to seek the help she needs. Daria: Are you sure about this? Collier: As sure as the Sun rises. Daria: OK, I guess I'll give it a try. (She finishes packing, closes the suitcase, and grabs that and her cane.) My folks are waiting for me. Nice meeting you. Collier: Go in peace, my child. (Daria leaves. He now faces the heavens.) Merciful Father, I will only ask one thing of You. Have patience with Daria Morgendorffer. I know at times she can be stubborner than a Missouri mule, but deep within her lies a good person. Give her the patience to face the challenges ahead of her. This I ask in the name of Your Son Jesus Christ, whom with You and the Holy Spirit lives and reigns now and forever. Amen. (Daria is seen going down the hallways and to the doors of the hospital. The press is out in full force. Cameras click as we see Helen's SUV from "Through a Lens Darkly" waiting at the curb, along with Helen, Jake and Quinn.) Helen: Come on, Daria; it's time to go home. Daria: Mom, there's someplace I want to go to first. Helen: Where? Daria: Brookside Rest Home. (Everyone gives Daria a puzzled look. Daria smirks her Mona Lisa smile.) ================================================================ Scene 6: Brookside Rest Home, 9:00 AM Monday. ================================================================ (We see Sandi in an office. She's lying on the couch. A bottle of Ritalin is next to her. We not cut to who's at the chair taking notes. It's none other than Sideshow Bob from "The Simpsons".) Sideshow Bob: Now, Sandi, you now realize that Daria meant no harm to you at all, do you? Sandi: (In a Ritalin stupor.) Yeah, I know. Sideshow Bob: You know, I used to be like you. After Bart and Lisa Simpson figured that it was me and not Krusty the Clown who held up Apu's Kwik-E-Mart, I had revenge burning within me for years. I wanted to get rid of those two so bad. But, after a few years, those feelings subsided. Now, as part of my parole, I'm supposed to be helping people like you overcome your hatred for the victims of your crimes. You need very serious help in this. (There is a knock on the door. A nurse enters.) Nurse: Excuse me, Mr. Tawillicker? (49) Sideshow Bob: Yes? Nurse: There's a young lady to see Ms. Griffin. She says it's urgent. Sideshow Bob: Sure. Send her in. (The door opens, and Daria hobbles in on her cane. Sandi panics.) Sandi: Daria, please! I know that you want to get even with me and all that, but I didn't mean it! Really! (Daria makes a motion like she's ready to hit Sandi with the cane. Fast cuts to Sandi, Sideshow Bob and the nurse with shocked looks on her faces. However, Daria sets the cane down, and just extends her hand.) Daria: Sandi, all I wanted to do is to say, "I forgive you." (Sandi is stunned. Suddenly, she bursts into tears, and embraces Daria.) Sandi: Oh, Daria! What am I going to do? I've lost everything! I need help! Daria: For what it's worth, I could help you. Sandi: Really? Daria: Yeah, really. Sandi: How? Daria: For starters, don't hate me for who I am anymore. I can't help being me. You can help being you, though. And you don't have to turn into a clone of me, either. Just be a bit more tolerant of people like me, that's all. Also, no matter what, don't get even with Quinn. If you even try to remove her as Vice-President of the Fashion Club or remove Candy as President, I'll have to get out the old AK-47. (Fast cut to a panic-stricken Sandi.) I didn't mean that last part. (Sandi sighs relief.) I've got to be going now. Take it easy, OK? Sandi: Thanks, Daria. (She begins to cry again. Sideshow Bob puts a comforting shoulder on her.) Sideshow Bob: The first step on the road to recovery is admitting you have a problem. You have taken that first step. The journey will not be easy, but we will see it through. (Cut to Daria hobbling down the hallway. She smirks that Mona Lisa smile again.) ================================================================ Scene 7: Morgendorffers' living room, 3:30 PM Wednesday. ================================================================ (Daria is watching TV with Jake, Helen, Quinn, Amy and Reed.) Reed: Glad to see you back here, Daria. Daria: Yep, back to the Black Hole of Lawndale. (Jake, Helen and Quinn scowl, while Daria and Amy smirk their Mona Lisa smiles, and Reed grins a little himself.) Jake: You're going to be well enough to go back to school tomorrow, kiddo? Daria: I should be, Dad. (To Amy and Reed.) So, what are you two going to do now? Amy: Jim and I are going back to LA. Jim's thinking of starting his own political think tank. Reed: We're going to call it the Reed Foundation for Political Research. We're going to make people more aware of what their government's doing and warn them about the threat posed to our society by right-wing militias and others. Daria: In other words, fight the good fight. Amy: Exactly. (The doorbell rings.) Helen: I'll get it. (She answers it. Cut to a shocked look on her face. Cut to see why. Virtually everyone we know from the show is here. If one notices very carefully, one may even see "Daria" creators Glenn Eichler and Susie Lewis among the crowd.) Trent: Hey, Mrs. M, could we see Daria for a minute? Helen: Sure. (Trent, Kevin, Mack and Ms. Li step in.) Trent: Hey, Daria. Daria: Trent, what are you doing with Kevin, Mack and Ms. Li? Kevin: Well, we all came over here to speak to you. I know that most of us know that we haven't treated you well in the past, but I guess it had to take something like this to realize that you're pretty cool. Li: Ms. Morgendorffer--uh, Daria--we might not get along very well, but sometimes I have to step back from my role as being this school's chief administrative officer and take a look at the bigger picture. Life isn't all about grades and popularity after all. Daria: Did Mr. O'Neill set you up to this? It sounds like something he would say. Li: Well, uh, er, he did casually suggest I speak to you. Mack: Daria, I guess what we're all saying is that we all got together and we're all going to treat you a lot better than we have been doing in the past. Maybe you do have some oddball tendencies, but I guess maybe we all do. Kevin: Well, I like to crush beer cans on my forehead. . . Daria: That isn't too unusual. Kevin: . . .with the beer still in it. Daria: Figures. Trent: Daria, I want to invite you to a special concert we're giving in your honor at the Zen this Saturday night. We'd like you to be there. Daria: Sure. Trent: See you then, Daria. (He gives a knowing wink to Daria, who smirks back to him. He and the others now leave.) Quinn: Daria, is it me or have you suddenly become popular? Daria: Well, it depends on your definition of the word "popular". Jake: Not to mention the definition of the word "is"! Helen: (Scowling.) Jake, who asked you! (Daria and Amy give those Mona Lisa smirks again, while Reed grins a little.) ================================================================ Scene 8: The Zen, Dega Street, Lawndale, 8:00 PM Saturday. ================================================================ (It's a crowded house here. Daria, Jane, Jake, Helen, Quinn, Amy and Reed are in the front. Trent now gets on stage.) Trent: Hi, everyone. Welcome to the Zen. We're going to be holding a special concert in honor of Daria Morgendorffer, who just got out of the hospital after Sandi Griffin violently assaulted her. (Grumbling from some.) Now I know that there are some out there who think that what Sandi did to Daria was wrong. I agree. But I can only hope that Sandi has learned something from this and can become a better person from this than had been previously. I understand there might be a plea bargain in the works provided she get professional help. I can only hope that all will be for the better, that's all. We're going to open this concert with a special appearance by a band some of you might know. I'll turn it over to them. (Trent goes off the stage. We now see the members of the band Sebadoh enter: Lead singer and guitarist Lou Barlow, bassist Jason Lowenstein and drummer Bob Fay. Some other people in tuxedos and carrying cases now get on stage as well.) Barlow: Hello. We're Sebadoh. I'm Lou Barlow; lead singer and guitarist. Jason Lowenstein's on bass, and Bob Fay's on drums. We met Trent when he and Mystik Spiral were doing that Midwestern tour some time back. He told us about what happened and we agreed to open this concert. We also contacted the string section of the Lawndale Symphony Orchestra as well. We're going to start things with a song from our 1996 album "Harmacy". The song's called "Willing to Wait". This one's for you, Daria. (Daria blushes ever so slightly. Barlow begins to play the soft guitar intro to the song, with Fay doing that slow drum sequence. Daria feels a tap on her shoulder. She sees it's Trent.) Trent: Care to have this dance, Daria? (Daria takes Trent into her arms, and they dance.) Barlow: When you see him again,/Tell him everything you told me;/Tell him that I'm still your friend,/And maybe you would like to see me again./I'm willing to wait my turn to be with you,/But I still have a lot to learn about me;/And no one's sure if we should be together./(The string section kicks in.)/But, oh,/When I saw you again,/A beautiful friend,/She opened up her heart and let me in;/And, no,/I cannot lie to you;/I'm still in love with you and/I only wanna be with you. (The guitar and drum intro repeats.) Jake: Helen, don't Daria and Trent look lovely dancing together? Helen: Yes, indeed they do, Jake. Quinn: I'm just glad to have her back. Jane: You know what, Quinn? I have to agree with you for once. Barlow: So, when you see him again,/Tell him everything that you told me;/We're more than friends,/And maybe we should start again;/Maybe you could love me again./(The string section starts up again, and goes through the end of the song.)/Cause, oh,/When I saw you again,/A beautiful friend,/She opened up her heart and let me in;/No,/I cannot lie to you;/ I'm still in love with you and/I only wanna be with you;/I only wanna be with. . .you. (Cut to a shot of Daria and Trent dancing, Daria softly kissing Trent's cheek while a tear goes down the side of her face. Fade to black as we hear the "Dragnet Theme" kick in again, and we now see a shot of Reed's old LAPD policeman's badge 2430.) George Fenneman: The story you have just seen is true. The names were changed to protect the innocent. (We now see a shot of Sandi against a plain gray wall as the horns play softly.) On April 13, a trial was scheduled at Lawndale County Court in regard to the case against the suspect. The judge in the case accepted a plea bargain in which the suspect pleaded guilty to a reduced charge of assault and battery and disturbing the peace. Assault and battery carries a term of five years in state prison, while disturbing the peace carries a sentence of six months in the county jail. Upon the recommendation of the district attorney, the sentence was reduced to time served and five years probation, to end when the suspect turns 21, upon condition that the suspect receives outpatient treatment for her mental instability. Also, the Morgendorffers waived their rights to civil action in this case, and the suspect was re-enrolled in Lawndale High provided she take Ritalin for her condition. (We now see a caption that says: "SANDRA ELAINE GRIFFIN--Now receiving outpatient treatment at Brookside Rest Home." Cut to a black-and-white scene where we see sweaty hands over a piece of metal as we hear an onimous timpani drumroll in the background. The left hand is holding a die while the right hand is holding a hammer. Due to the seriousness of this story, however, this is not the usual Mark Zero Fan Fiction tag line, this is the classic Mark VII Limited tag line, as the hammer hits into the die twice, with a loud "CLANG!" each time, with the hammer being pulled off to the side in the original 1950's version instead of headlong onto the camera as in the 1960's version. After it hits the die the second time, the hammer and die are removed, and we see a Roman numeral "VII" chiseled into the metal, with the word "MARK" in white Roman lettering above it and the word "LIMITED" below that in white Roman lettering. The solemn booming of a kettledrum can be heard as we fade in to Reed's badge again. There are no makeovers at the end of this story. Walter Schumann's "Dragnet March", which ended every episode of the original series, starts, as we see special credits roll, as follows:) CAST LIST Daria Morgendorffer/Amy Barksdale.........................Tracy Grandstaff Quinn Morgendorffer/Helen Morgendorffer/Jane Lane.............Wendy Hoopes Jake Morgendorffer....................................... Julian Rebolledo Trent Lane/Officer John Friday, LAPD....................Alvaro J. Gonzales Jodie Landon........................................Jessica Cyndee Jackson Candy Kaine ..............................................Venus Terzo (50) Detective Jim Reed (Ret.), LAPD ...............................Kent McCord Sgt. Joe Friday, LAPD.....................................Dan Aykroyd (51) Officer Bill Gannon, LAPD/"Mad Dog" Morgendorffer.............Harry Morgan Officer Frank Smith, LAPD ...............................Earl Hindman (52) Tiffany Woo......................................Ashley Albert, a/k/a Echo Stacy Nibblet...................................................Sarah Drew Jean Reed...................................................Kristin Nelson Chief Willie Williams, LAPD.............................Louis Gossett, Jr. Chief Thomas Redden, LAPD....................................Harrison Ford Sandi Griffin/Brittany Taylor/Linda Griffin....................Jamie Mertz Laura Caruthers.........................................Teryl Rothery (53) Angela Li ....................................................Nora Laudani Kevin Thompson/Jamie White/Satan/Demon.......................Marc Thompson Jesse Moreno/Danny Moreno ...................................Willy Schwenz Andrea Hecuba/Nurse /Girls 1-3.................................Susie Lewis Dr. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce...........................Alan Alda Bob Tawillicker, a/k/a Sideshow Bob ........................Kelsey Grammer Older Kids 1-3/Jimmy/Deputy/Another Deputy.................Peter W. Guerin Michael Jordan "Mack" MacKenzie/Black Minister...............Paul Williams Guy grabbing Daria by her leg at the Zen/Reed's Father/ Tommy Sherman..................................................Hank Azaria Todd /Beavis/Butt-Head/Tom Anderson/Hank Hill...................Mike Judge Other Cheerleader Girl/Kristin Morgendorffer..........Sarah Jessica Parker Blossom/Buttercup .........................................Tara Cherendoff Bubbles /Court Secretary......................................E. G. Dailey President Clinton/Kenneth Starr/Tom Green/ Jerry Seinfeld ..........................................Eric W. Lynn, Jr. Commercial Announcer/George Fenneman/Guard ...................Frank Welker Recording Secretary/Reed's Mother/ Nurse at Brookside Rest Home............................Heather North (54) Nurse at Hospital ............................................Park Overall Airport Security Guard..................................Rusty Burrell (55) Jim Ignawtowski..........................................Christopher Lloyd Taxi Passengers 1-2/Soup Nazi ...............................Scott McNeill Judge Kathy Feeder............................................Kate Mulgrew EMS Technician/Trapper John McIntyre..........................Wayne Rogers Rabbi Benjamin Cohen/John Friday/Precinct Captain........David Hyde Pierce Margaret Houlihan/Mayor.......................................Loretta Swit Blake Cartman/Unidentified Doctor's Voice..................Danny Bronstein Kyle Broslowski/Stan Marsh/Eric Cartman/Kenny McCormick........Trey Parker Pastor Daniel Collier........................................Glenn Eichler Dr. Kelly Bracket............................................Robert Fuller Dr. Joe Early .................................................Bobby Troup Nurse Dixie McCall............................................Julie London Firefighter Roy DeSoto, LA County FD.....................Randolph Mantooth Firefighter John Gage, LA County FD............................Kevin Tighe SPECIAL GUEST APPEARANCES BY: Mills Lane Rodney King Majel Barrett Wally George and Sebadoh STORY WRITTEN AND DIRECTED BY: Peter W. Guerin ANIMATION DONE BY: Mark Zero Animation "Daria" THEME BY: Splendora "Dragnet Theme and March" BY: Walter Schumann "Adam-12 Theme" BY: Frank Comstock "Mark VII Signature" BY: Ray John Heindorf EXECUTIVE PRODUCERS: Glenn Eichler Susie Lewis Peter W. Guerin Although the assistance of Chief Bernard Parks, LAPD, the LA Board of Police Commissioners or the LA County Board of Fire Commissioners were not sought out in the making of this story, the author would like to acknowledge the hundreds of thousands of police officers, firefighters, EMS technicians, paramedics, doctors and nurses who risk their lives daily to protect ours. The author would also like to acknowledge Ed Olivares, the "Jurassic Cop" himself, who joined the LAPD in his 50's and served alongside the author's stepfather, Walter McNeill, when they were stationed with the Army in Germany in the late 1950's to early 1960's. Also, the author also acknowledges the officials in charge of his area's own agencies: Chief James W. Clary, Hudson Falls (NY) Police Department; Chief John Santa Croce, Hudson Falls (NY) Fire Department; Washington County (NY) Sheriff Roger LeClaire and the Fort Edward (NY) Rescue Squad. I salute you. (Fade to a picture of a man in a police uniform mounted on a motorcycle at a picnic somewhere in Islip, New York, early 1950's.) THIS STORY IS DEDICATED TO ROBERT W. GUERIN, SR. OFFICER, TOWN OF ISLIP (NY) POLICE DEPARTMENT (1946-1957) TROOPER, NEW YORK STATE POLICE (1957-1962) KILLED IN THE LINE OF DUTY WHILE PROTECTING LIVES 1962 (Fade to black.) ================================================================ ENDNOTES ================================================================ (1) It's been kind of customary to use different background colors for the logo in each season of "Daria". The first used magenta; the second, light green; and the current season, light blue. I decided to use yellow for my "Daria: The OAV's" series. --Your Co-ordinating Officer, Peter Guerin. (2) George Fenneman served as the announcer for the original "Dragnet" series.--Officer Peter, HFPD. (3) Daria played a harmonica in "The Big House" as well as in my fan fic "Return of the Lawndale Militia" and Dr. Belch's "The Plot in a Nutshell". Look for Daria to play her harmonica more in my upcoming story "The Mighty Daria the Harmonicist".--Peter Dylan. (4) Danny expressed his desire to play in the band in his newsletter in "The Daria Database".--Musical Peter. (5) In "Monster", Kevin and Brittany say they wear each other's underwear when they go see "The Rocky Horror Picture Show".--Peter the Virgin (hey, maybe I can go to Diezel Monkey's site and bone up!). (6) In "Karen Carpenter Blues", it's mentioned that Amy lives in LA. --Big Apple Peter. (7) Daria said something similar in her E-mail message to Cecil in Zimbabwe in "The Daria Database".--Peter the Boer. (8) That happened in "Daria!: The Musical". Getting the car repaired is a convenience in explaining why Jake teaches Daria how to drive in his car after it got totaled in future episodes of "Daria" as well.--Peter Mifune. (9) Legend has it that Queen Christina of Sweden (ruled 1632-1654) was born this way as well. This rather unconventional monarch later renounced Protestantism and her own crown and became a holy woman in Rome, though whether she lived a holy life after that is in dispute. --Prince Peter of Chichester. (10) With all due apologies to the late Stanley Kubrick; may he rest in peace.--Peter Guerin (who hopes HAL won't turn him into a fetus for this). (11) In case you missed out on "Karen Carpenter Blues", Amy told Daria that she might get married to now retired LAPD Lieutenant Jim Reed of "Adam-12" fame.--Sgt. Peter Friday. (12) Judge Katherine T. Feeder was introduced in "No Nudes is Good Nudes." --Judge Peter. (13) This was the incident where Todd sexually assaulted Daria that I mentioned in "Triumph of the 'Retart'"; I was going to give more details in my aborted "Perchance to Dream", but my computer ate it! :-( --Recap Peter. (14) That is a question that needs to be asked: What will it take for Daria to explode emotionally? I think it may be if Trent tells Daria that he can't be her boyfriend because either he's in love with Monique or because he's gay as a lot of other people have speculated (the producers of "Daria" have promised a resolution to the Daria/Trent relationship this summer). In Martin J. Pollard's "Sins of the Past", it takes the rape of Quinn for Daria to explode, beating up on Sandi and trashing her room. What will it take? Only Glenn Eichler and Susie Lewis know for sure (if at all).--Emotional Peter. (15) I owe Martin J. Pollard for this one. He talked about this at the #Dariafan IRC chat room at DALnet (http://www.dal.net); the incident was originally mentioned in David Gerrold's book "The World of Star Trek". --Capt. James T. Peter. (16) See "Through a Lens Darkly" for details. I'm hoping to revisit the question of Daria's self-identity in a proposed story called "Pierce Me. . .Again", where Helen tries to persuade Daria to have her ears pierced, and in another story I'm planning to call "My Damn Birthday from Below Hell", where it's Jake (and not Trent) who decides to take his "kiddo" to a tattoo parlor so she can get a tattoo for her seventeenth birthday.--Bespectacled Peter (whose own biological brother switched to contacts himself, but not for driving; and his mother didn't force him, nor discourage him, either). (17) In "The Daria Database", Danny said he had two of the votes needed to secure a place with the band in the Mystik Spiral newsletter. --Rockin' Peter. (18) This is my tip of the hat to Michelle Klein-Hass. In her story "The Ono Effect", Daria writes lyrics for Mystik Spiral, which leads to the band breaking up. However, in my proposed "The Mighty Daria the Harmonicist", her participation extends no further than being a harmonica player.--Sing-Song Peter. (19) This is setting things up for another of my proposed stories, which I'm planning on calling "One Band Town 2: Blake's Revenge". It would be a sequel to Danny Bronstein's "Daria"/"South Park" crossover in which a rather famous animated rock band is reunited (although in a radically different way from what they were in the past), and Mystik Spiral and Spiral Taps are battling it out to become the opening act for them. Any guesses as to what famed animated rock band I'm taking about? (Hint, does the name Cheryl Stoppelmoor ring a bell with you?)--Peter Kirschner. (20) I revealed Sandi's full name in "Karen Carpenter Blues". --Name-Dropping Peter. (21) Danny Bronstein coined Nibblet for Stacy's last name in "Who Shot Principal Li?"; I just coined "Lorraine" for Stacy for this story, just like I coined "Louise" for Quinn in "The Dinner Date from Hell", Coyote for Jane in "Return of the Lawndale Militia", and C. E. Forman coined Marie for Daria in "To Helen Back".--Sirhan Peter. (22) If I may interject here for a moment, the last name "Kaine" was not meant to be construed as a homage to Chris Smith, a/k/a Kain, no matter what some people may think; that last line was kind of my twisted opinion on that controversy.--Doc Forbin (my own on-line handle; it's a tribute to Dr. Charles Forbin from "Colossus: The Forbin Project"). (23) Daria beat up "Sandi in Triumph of the 'Retart'", "The Dinner Date from Hell" and "Stupid Sunday".--Pugilistic Peter. (24) Nathan was introduced in "Triumph".--Pastor Peter. (25) On "Adam-12", Reed was married. I had mentioned in "Karen Carpenter Blues" that she had died from breast cancer. --Officer Peter J. "Pete" Malloy, Badge 744. (26) TV trivia time! There was a series called "Trapper John, M. D.", which ran 1979-1985, in which Pernell Roberts (he who played Adam Cartwright in "Bonanza") playing a modern-day version of Wayne Rogers' character at a San Francisco hospital.--Dr. Peter. (27) In real life, Jack Webb was indeed married for a few years to Julie London, who played Nurse McCall on "Emergency!"; they had two daughters; one was killed in an car crash in 1996.--Officer Peter, HFPD. (28) In real life, when Jack Webb died from a heart attack in 1982, he was accorded a full LAPD officer's funeral, and Badge 714 was indeed retired in his honor. He had such a close working relationship with the LAPD that has not been matched ever since with any other producer and police department. In fact, he was even on hand when LAPD Headquarters was renamed Parker Center, in honor of Chief William H. Parker, who lent a lot of technical assistance to Webb during the original 1952-1959 run of "Dragnet".--Desk Sergeant Peter, NYSP. (29) In "Return of the Lawndale Militia", Brittany mentions that Sandi had extended an invitation to her to join the Fashion Club back at junior high; however, she withdrew it when Brittany's father Steve refused to take on Sandi's father Tom's accounting business as a client for Steve's ad agency; Brittany nearly killed herself by taking an overdose of sleeping pills as a result and was only saved by a chance visit by her biological mother Vivian.--Gen. Peter. (30) In "Karen Carpenter Blues", Ms. Li suspended the Fashion Club's operations until it agreed to adopt an "Anti-Eating Disorders Amendment" to its bylaws and made arrangements to hold an "Eating Disorders Seminar". --Prof. Peter. (31) Candy mentioned that her show "LaFrance Prep" was filmed in Canada in "Karen Carpenter Blues".--Hoser Peter (KA-LOO-KU-KU-KU-KU- KU-KU! KA-LOO-KU-KU-KU-KU-KU-KU!). (32)Ah, yes, who could ever forget the immortal "Quinn the Brain"! --Smart-ass Peter. (33) Who could forget that scene in "Monster"!--Candid Camera Peter. (34) That happened in "No Nudes is Good Nudes".--Recap Peter. (35) As mentioned in "Karen Carpenter Blues", Saint Jude is the patron saint of hopeless cases.--Pastor Peter. (36) Rabbi Cohen was introduced in "Triumph of the 'Retart'". --Summarizing Peter. (37) The microbes that were infesting Mr. Burns on the episode of "The Simpsons" where he brings gambling into Springfield said the same thing. --Bartholomew J. Peter ("I didn't do it! Nobody saw me do it! You can't prove a thing!"). (38) Brittany made that same observation about nail polish in "The Invitation".--Party Pooper Peter. (39) All this happened on an actual "Adam-12" episode. --Officer Peter, HFPD. (40) Amy's jobs were first mentioned in "Karen Carpenter Blues." --Recap Peter. (41) Remember that scene from "The New Kid"?--Gameboy Peter (Who likes to play "Doom", "Duke Nukem 3D" and "Quake" himself). (42) Redding was LAPD chief when "Adam-12" debuted. --Chief Peter, HFPD. (43) Brookside Rest Home was the mental facility Mr. DeMartino was taken to after he assaulted Kevin; read his letter to Mr. O'Neill in "The Daria Database".--Lunatic Peter. (44) That happened in C. E. Forman's "All Washed Up".--Peter Hertz. (45) See C. E. Forman's "Driven Wild" for details.--AAA Peter. (46) That happened in C. E. Forman's "Daria vs. the IRS".--Taxman Peter. (47) Daria said that back in the very first episode "Esteemers". --Total Recall Peter. (48) Japanese for "teacher" or "master".--Guerin-sama. (49) In the "Simpsons" episode where Sideshow Bob marries Aunt Selma, he revealed his last name as Tawillicker.--Homer Peter (D'OH!). (50) The rather famous voice of Girl Ranma from "Ranma 1/2" and B-ko Daitokuji from "Project A-ko".--Voiceman Peter. (51) He played Friday in the rather satirical 1987 "Dragnet" movie. --Officer Peter, HFPD. (52) He plays Wilson on "Home Improvement".--Tool Time Peter. (53) The voice of A-ko Magami herself!--Fanboy Peter. (54)The voice of Daphne Blake from "Scooby Doo".--Shaggy Peter. (55) The bailiff from the original version of "The People's Court". --Judge Peter. ================================================================ THE END ================================================================ THIS HAS BEEN AN EXCLUSIVE CREATION OF MARK ZERO FAN FICTION, UNLIMITED! =============================================================== "Home of the World's Weirdest Fan Fiction" =============================================================== Home page: http://direct.at/markzero.com or http://www.geocities.com/televisioncity/network/4938 =============================================================== E-mail: markzero@zdnetmail.com =============================================================== Subscription list: http://MarkZeroUpdate.ListBot.com =============================================================== CLANG! CLANG! OUCH! I HIT MYSELF WITH THE !@#$%^& HAMMER! ================================================================