Daria’s
room. Looks the same as always, only not animated. Real life sort of. Suddenly,
the window opens and two people, a man and a woman enter. They are wearing
trench coats, hats and sunglasses. The man starts taking pictures of everything
and the woman digs under the mattress on the bed, takes out a diary and starts
reading it, taking notes all the while.
Voice
OS: Who’s there?
The
man and the woman leap out the window just as someone enters. Everything is now
shown from her point of view, so we cannot see who it is (though everything is
viewed through glasses.)
Voice:
Damnit, never can catch them. I wonder what they find so interesting about my
room.
Now
we see who it is. It’s Daria, only she’s not a cartoon. She looks basically the
same; only she’s not wearing her green jacket (just the t-shirt and skirt) and
no boots. Daria’s glasses aren’t as big and the frames aren’t as thick. Her
hair is kind of stringy looking, but not greasy or anything.
Daria:
Next time, I’m not yelling and I’m bringing a camera. I always have to yell
don’t I…
Act
Two
Jane’s
room. Once again, it looks un-animated. And, also once again, the man and the
woman sneak in through a window and begin taking notes and pictures of the
room. Suddenly, Jane enters. She looks real too. Her hair is a little flatter
against her head and like Daria she isn’t wearing her jacket or her boots.
Jane:
Hey, what the…
But
she’s too late. The two of the flee out the window.
Jane:
Well, damn (picks up phone and dials a number) Hello? Daria, I saw `em this
time.
Split
screen between Daria and Jane
Daria:
You did? What where they doing?
Jane:
The weirdest thing, they were taking pictures.
Daria: I thought I heard camera clicks when I was coming up the stairs last time, too. This is getting weird.
Jane:
It’s been going on for over a year, around the time you moved here.
Daria:
It started in Highland for me, but not as much. What could they want from our
rooms?
Jane:
I don’t know, but they sure don’t do a good job of cleaning up the evidence.
Last time I found all my old class photos strewn about.
Daria:
You still have those?
Jane:
I look at them whenever I start to feel too happy.
Daria:
In others words, they were collecting dust.
Jane:
Exactly.
Daria:
Today, I found my diary out. I’ll bet they were reading it. Taking pictures is
one thing, but that includes everything I ever do in it.
Jane:
Even the time we went to Alternapalooza..er, I mean tried to go.
Daria:
Every word. Good thing I left the really personal stuff.
Jane:
Like (fake dreamy) Jeremy?
Daria:
Oh shut up, I only went out with him for a month.
Jane:
And he was all you talked about. His favourite color is black, his favourite
food is pizza, he loves to watch TV, he loves the arcade, he loves the
classics….
Daria:
Actually, I did include some of that stuff. Only I wrote it was me who liked
that stuff, in case my mom or Quinn decides to read it.
Jane:
How will you tell it apart from the stuff you like?
Daria:
Since when do I like stuff?
Jane:
Point taken. So, if the spies did read your diary they’ll think you like pizza,
you love TV, and you love video games and the classics.
Daria:
Little do they know, my favourite colour is navy blue..
Jane:..You’re
favourite food is chocolate..
Daria:
…I don’t even have a TV, though I do enjoy it…
Jane:
…you think video games are childish….
Daria:…I
love sci-fi…
Jane:…and
you’re planning to rule the world someday.
Daria:
That’s right and…what?!
Jane:
Just trying to make you sound more interesting, in case the spies are taping
this conversation.
Cut
to a small, dark room. The two spies are seated by a phone and a recorder, as
the last bits of Daria’s and Jane’s conversation is heard.
Male
spy: Damn, we’ve gotten her all wrong!
Female:
I told you we should have followed her instead of snooping around their rooms!
Male:
Hey, it wasn’t my idea to base a cartoon TV series on a real girl! We should
have just made one up. Do you know hard it is to keep MTV from airing in
Lawndale and from all magazine’s including Daria articles never to reach
Lawndale?
Female:
You thought it was a great idea when I thought it up, and it would have worked
a lot better if we just placed cameras around the entire place like that Truman
Show movie.
Male:
And what were we supposed to do if she went on vacation? Let’s face it, this
entire thing is stupid.
The
female and male then take off their hats and sunglasses and appear to be Glenn
Eichler and Susie Lewis (if you don’t know who they are, I think you should do
your research).
Susie:
Who knew it would be so hard.
Glenn:
The MTV staff, my brother*, my mother, your mother, my old teacher, the guy at
the laundry mat, some guy who e-mailed me…
*(I
don’t know if he actually has a brother, I’m just making this up as I go along)
Susie:
Ok, ok, I get the point. But the show is getting great reviews; do you know how
much we’ll be shunned from society if we cancel the show?
Glenn:
Oh, you’re over-reacting. I say we cancel the show, hear and now!
They
both nod and head outside. Five minutes later, they come back in looking
extremely disheveled. Angry shouts are heard from outside.
Susie:
(panting) Over-reacting was I?
Glenn:
Oh, shut up.
Act
Three
Lawndale
High. Like everything else, it looks the same only not cartoon. Daria and Jane enter
the school. Cut to the hallway. Daria and Jane walk down the hall, surrounded
by the Lawndale students we know and lo.. er, we know only not in cartoon as
well.
Daria:
Another morning, another school day, another pile of homework.
Jane: Your optimism amazes me.
Daria:
Thanks.
In
the shadows (yes, halls have shadows at times), our two spies, Glenn Eichler
and Susie Lewis, are stalking the tow girls.
Susie:
So, the plan is to observe them, find out how much we got wrong and if it’s not
two much, just try to correct it. If it’s a lot, just start making up new
episodes without any similarity to the real Daria’s situations.
Glenn:
I already know the plan, why’d you have to say it?
Susie:
I don’t know, that’s what they do in all the spy movies.
Glenn:
That’s just so the viewers know what they are talking about. We don’t have any
viewers.
Susie:
Oh, yeah. Well, let’s snoop around.
Glenn
and Susie sneak down the hall, hiding behind drinking fountains and metal
detectors to avoid being seen. Just when they are about to emerge from their
hiding place, a couple walks by, causing them to go back into hiding. The couple
is Chinese, but Glenn and Susie hear them calling each other Jodie and Mack.
Susie:
They’re Jodie and Mack?!
Glenn:
We drew them all wrong! I thought they were—
Susie:
(interrupting) African-American? No, Daria just said in her journal that they
were annoyed because they were different from the rest of the school.
Glenn:
How was I supposed to know?
The
new Jodie and Mack walk past and the two spies sneak down the hall. They are
walking along in the near deserted halls when they hear voice. Glenn pulls
Susie into a closet. Unfortunately it’s already occupied.
Jane:
What are you doing in here?
Susie:
Us? What are you doing in here?
Daria:
hiding from teachers, what else?
Glenn:
Another thing we got wrong, the Daria from the show would never hide in a
closet?
Daria/Jane:
Show?
Susie:
Well, you’ve done it again big mouth.
The
four of them suddenly become quiet, and then look at each other funny.
Daria:
That’s it, I’m leaving, I can’t breathe.
Jane:
Well, if you’re going…
Daria
and Jane leave the closet, leaving Glenn and Susie with more room. But then the
door is opened by none of than Ms. Li, who looks exactly like her cartoon character
only not cartoon.
Ms.
Li: what are you two doing in here?
And
with that, the real Ms Li dragged the two spies down to her office.
Act
Four
Ms.
Li’s office
Ms.
Li: Not only is it against the rules to make out in closets..
Susie:
We weren’t making out.
Ms.
Li: That’s what they all say.
Glenn:
What else would they say?
Ms.
Li: But you’re not even students here.
Susie:
So what can you do to us?
Ms.
Li: I can get you in more trouble than you can imagine!
Glenn:
(to Susie) At least we portrayed someone right.
Just
then, a knock is heard on the door. Four girls enter. Two of them appear to be
Quinn and Sandi, only not cartoon but the other two are unidentifiable. One is
a tall black girl with long braids (those tinny braids), beads in her hair and
a schoolgirl outfit. The other is short, freckly and has two pony tails
(pigtails). She is wearing jeans and a tight blue tank top.
Ms.
Li: Well, if it isn’t the Fashion club?
Glenn
and Susie raise their eyebrows.
Quinn:
(sees Glenn and Susie) Who are you?
Susie:
Who are you?
Sandi:
Allow me to introduce you to the Lawndale High Fashion Club. President, me,
Sandi Griffin. Co-coordinating officer, Tiffany (points to tall black girl) and
Secretary, Stacy (points to short girl)
Quinn:
ahem?
Sandi:
Oh, and that’s the VP, Quinn.
Glenn:
At least we got Sandi and Quinn right, but..
Susie:
Tiffany and Stacy are all wrong.
Glenn:
(looks at Tiffany) wrong background.
Susie:
(looks at Stacy) Wrong pigtails, you idiot! (smacks him upside the head)
By
now, everyone in the office is looking at the two of them strangely, so Glenn
and Susie “shut up”.
Ms.
Li: (bends down to reach into desk) Now, I’ll just get my detention forms and
..(comes back, see that Glenn and Susie are gone) Those hooligans…
Act
Five
Outside
at night
Glenn
and Susie are walking.
Susie:
Do you think we’ve seen enough?
Glenn:
Hmm, I don’t know. Maybe we should observe them at home.
Susie:
I don’t know, I don’t like the idea of possibly having to talk to that little
twit sister of her, Quinn.
Glenn:
Hey, that’s funny. If we ever write an original episode, we’ll use that as a
line.
Susie:
yeah! I’ll bet it’ll be the best episode ever, too! See, we don’t need the real
Daria to be successful. We can make up
stories all by ourselves.
Glenn:
You know, I had a couple dreams about the Daria cast.
Susie:
really? What happened?
Glenn:
In one, they were all singing. In the other, they were visited by some
holidays.
Susie:
I’ll bet we could turn those into episode. Do you think they won’t be realistic
enough?
Glenn:
Nah. If the Simpson’s can have those crazy Halloween episodes, we can have one
about Holidays.
Susie:
Great! We don’t need someone to base our character off of.
Glenn:
yeah. That was a stupid idea, you know.
Susie:
Oh, stop acting like a baby. You’re being childish.
Both
stand up straighter.
Glenn:
Maybe we should make some normal episodes.
Susie:
Yeah, I guess so.
Glenn:
So the fans don’t think we’ve gone bezerk.
Susie:
Of course.
Glenn:
Ever thought about one where Jane gets a boyfriend?
Susie:
yeah, like that’ll go over well.
Glenn:
I don’t care, I’m writing it anyway.
Susie:
Suit yourself.
Suddenly,
a beeper goes off. Susie reaches into her pocket and pulls out her pager. Her
face suddenly goes pale and a look of sheer panic goes across her face.
Susie:
Oh, shit.
Glenn:
What?
Susie:
Mixed up satellite signals. Lawndale is getting MTV!
Act
Six
Daria’s
room
Daria
and Jane are watching TV.
Daria
has the remote and is flipping the channels.
Suddenly,
she stops and looks puzzled.
Daria:
That’s funny, this channel never worked before.
Jane:
probably some new channel airing documentaries about people we’ve never heard
of.
Daria:
We might as well see what it is, there’s nothing better on.
She
sits back to watch when some very familiar music starts playing from the TV.
Think “la la la la la..”
Daria:
I’ve never seen this show before.
We
now see the screen, where the Daria opening is playing. We see the Daria logo
come up, naming some episode or another.
Daria
and Jane look at the screen with shocked look on their faces.
And
that, my fellow Daria fanatics, is the birth of Season Three.
The
End