My Date With Daria

By Austin Covello

The following is a work of fan fiction!!  If you honestly believe any of this happened, 
or believe that I believe any of this happened, then you are nuttier than I am and need 
to check into a little room with padded walls.  Other than Daria's.

This fanfic was inspired by The Daria Dating Game, a fun Internet game which matches you 
to the Daria character most suitable to you.  Guess who I got.

I pulled up to the Morgendorffer house in anxious anticipation.  My palms were clammy and 
sweating.  There were two rats in my stomach, gnawing at my guts.  I was wearing a 
three-piece suit with dress shoes.  Armed with the roses I had gotten from the florist, I 
got out.

When I found out my blind date was going to be Daria Morgendorffer, I did my homework.  
Trent Lane had just laughed, wished me luck, and slammed the door in my face.  Jane told me 
about her aleged homocidal tendencies, and told me to take her out killing little kids.  I 
laughed at that one.  Jodie and Mack were the most help.  Their advice was to just act 
naturally, take an interest in political issues, video games, and classic novels.  That 
wasn't too hard, since I was about two-thirds of the way there, and I figured I could use 
sci-fi/fantasy novels in a pinch.

I had a really great night planned for her.  I'd made reservations at Chez Pierre, the 
finest restaurant in Lawndale, and had tickets reserved to a Russian Art Film.  I was hoping 
for a great evening.  Little did I realize how it would turn out.

I walked up to the door and rang the doorbell.  Mrs. Morgendorffer answered the door.  "Oh 
Hello!  You must be Austin. I'm Helen, Daria's mother.  Come right in and make yourself at 
home.  This is my husband, Jake."

Mr. Morgendorffer put out his hand.  "Hey, hey! Wha's happenin' dude! Put 'er there!"  
Needless to say, it was all I could do to keep from laughing in his face as he shook my 
hand.  "Daria's still upstairs getting ready."

The rats in my stomach gnawed even harder.  She was getting ready?  What did that mean?  
Had she finally caved in and decided to let Quinn give her a makeover?  Where was Quinn 
anyway? Was she upstairs with Daria?  I didn't want her to get a makeover, I wanted her to 
stay the same way she always was.

Mr. Morgendorffer was talking to me.  "So, man, what do you plan to do for a living?  Life 
isn't just some free ride you know!"

I was prepared for that one.  I told him that I was going into computers, and how they make 
thirty-five grand a year to start.  That quelled his fears that I'd go broke and we'd both 
starve to death on this date.

I heard the heavy footsteps of someone who wears boots come down the stairs.  Daria was there 
on the landing.  I breathed a sigh of relief.  Daria had made herself over, but not the way 
I'd thought.  She was wearing combat fatigues and her hair was tied back in a ponytail, but 
her glasses were still on and she wasn't wearing any makeup.  I introduced myself and 
presented her with the roses.  She sighed.  "Oh great, I've got another mouth to feed."  We 
were getting off to a great start.

After Daria had found a vase for the roses and Mrs. Morgendorffer had reminded me of the 
curfew, we were off.  "Let's set a few ground rules," said Daria.  "One:  I don't dance.  
At all. So, if you were going to take me dancing, forget it.  Two:  I'm not sexually active, 
and I prefer it that way.  If you don't believe me, I've got mace.  Three:  If you say 
'feisty' even once on this date, I'll strangle you.  Did you want to take me home now?"

I laughed.  "Nice one.  Seriously though, the slightest part of that hadn't even crossed my 
mind.  I've got a great night planned.  I figured we could go to Chez Pierre..."

"That sounds nice, but why don't we go out for pizza instead?" suggested Daria.  When she saw 
the surprised look on my face she said, "I don't like having waiters snigger at me just 
because I used the wrong fork.  Besides," she added, "it'll save us some cash for tokens at 
the arcade.  You were planning to take me to the arcade, weren't you?"

Pizza?  Arcade?  All right!  Now this was a date!  "Sure thing, Daria," I said.  "It's your
night."

When we got to the pizza parlor, Daria and I were talking like good friends.  "And so it 
actually does end?" asked Daria.

"Yeah, but I think only if you go to a community college.  Nobody knows anybody there anyway.  
All of your friendships are based on your majors and extracurriculars and that's all you talk 
about.  You never need to worry about being popular because there are no popular people."

"Thank God.  I can't wait to get away from those idiots."

"I don't know. You sort of miss making fun of them after a while."

"Shoot me if I ever get that desperate for company.  Speaking of which..."

We entered the pizza parlor to find Quinn, Daria's sister, sitting with some little high 
school geek.  "Uh...so explain to me why we're going to this dive and not Chez Pierre again," 
said the geek.

"It's simple Matthew.  My...uh cousin, or whatever, is going on a date with some college nerd 
or something to Chez Pierre.  We're avoiding her.  Besides pizza saves money, and shouldn't 
you be saving money to buy something special for me?"

"College nerd?" I said, outraged.

"Cousin?" grumbled Daria, indignant.

Daria must have concocted a plan to humiliate and humble her estranged sister right on the 
spot, but I still felt I needed to prove myself to her once and for all, so instead I grabbed 
her arm.  "Wait.  I've got an idea.  Just follow my lead, and when we sit down, mention that 
I'm into computers.  Don't worry, I'm a pro at this."  I smiled at her.

We walked over to the table where Quinn and her little friend were sitting.  "Oh, hey look.  
If it isn't Daria's sister.  Hey Daria, why don't we join them?"

"Excuse me, but I have a name," Quinn protested.

"Yeah, 'Daria's sister'," I said.  Then I called out obnoxiously, "Garçon, give me two cokes, 
no ice!"

Daria took her cue smoothly, "So, you were telling me that you were into computers."

"Oh yeah," I replied, "I really want to go into the video game business.  Bring some old 
fashioned violence into the households of little children everywhere."

"Well if there's going to be violence in America, you may as well profit by it," agreed Daria.

Then a waitress showed up with our sodas. "Garçon means 'boy'," she informed me.

"My apologies," I said to the waitress.  "For a minute there, I thought I was at Chez Pierre.  
This place sort of has similar décor.  Wouldn't you agree, Daria's sister?"

Quinn just wagged her jaw and squeaked.  Then I nudged her date.  "Psst.  Hey buddy, did you 
slip her the 'ludes like I told you?"  Quinn's jaw dropped.  Meanwhile Daria's shoulders shook 
as she covered an ill-concealed smile with her hand.  "Where was I?"

"You were fantasizing about bringing computer violence to children," Daria cued.

"Oh yeah.  I was thinking of this really great game where the object is to go through a bunch 
of stages and bad guys and stuff to rescue a beautiful damsel in distress.  Your guy has like 
these wolverine claws, and he would probably rip the enemy's eyeballs out."

"You know what would be good," said Daria, "put in a big bear that slashes at your stomach, 
and when your intestines spill out, it starts gnawing on them."

Quinn was turning a sickly shade of green right before my eyes.  Time for the final insult.  
"Ooh, I have to write that down.  But you know what the punchline is?  He rescues the girl, 
and she turns out to be a raving shrew."  Then I turned to Quinn.  "I'm doing the screen-shots 
now.  Would you like to play her?"

Quinn's face went from from green to white before settling on a bright shade of crimson.  
"Ugh!  I've had enough of you and your date tonight!" she yelled at Daria.  "Come on, Matthew, 
we're going to Chez Pierre."

We let them go graciously at that point.  "Not bad," said Daria.  "Although I would have been 
more subtle.  Eight for style, and ten for effectiveness.  I wish I could get that kind of a 
reaction."

"Yeah, that's my weakness.  I'm usually too in-your-face."

"Are you really going to do a video game like that?"

"No.  I'd get slagged for the rest of my life by the feminists and Captain Kangaroo if I 
designed something like that."

"Damn."

"My thing is more like making interactive novels out of fantasy books."

"Oh, now that's interesting.  You're actually literate.  Did you know that most of that stuff 
is a second rate rip off of Greco-Roman Mythology?"

My eyes widened.  "No, I didn't."

"Sure.  Let me tell you about it."

We spent the remainder of the meal discussing Homer's Iliad and Odyssey. 

It was about eight o'clock when we pulled up to the arcade.  We still had two hours left.  We 
got change and headed in.  "Want to match me on Mortal Kombat 4?" asked Daria.

"Oh no.  I know that trap.  If you win, you'll think I'm a wuss, and if I win, you'll get mad 
because I should have let you win.  Let's find a game where we work together."

"Okay, but no virtual reality.  It makes me nauseous and the last guy who went in with me 
never came out."

My jaw dropped. "Really?"

"...until they pulled the plug."

"Ouch."

"One of my worst dates ever."

We found a coin-op version of Diablo.  I sighed.  "It was bound to happen eventually," I said.

"You said it.  How did they expect to pass that off as an RPG anyway?"

I chose wizard and she chose rogue, and we played until it was time to go.  As we walked out, 
I noticed we were holding hands.

"So the new one is going to have more role playing elements?" Daria asked. "Yeah.  New 
character classes, too.  They're giving the game a complete overhaul."

"I'll miss my rogue."

"Don't worry.  I'm sure there'll be an archer class for you."

Daria smiled.  "Thanks Austin.  That helps." 

We drove back to Daria's house.  "I had a great time tonight," I told her.

"Me too.  I had a grrrr...grrrr..." she stuttered.

"That's okay," I laughed.  "You don't have to say it if you don't want to."

Daria smiled a relieved smile.  "Thanks.  It's just that I'm not used to dating."

We drew closer together.  Our lips parted and... you know, for an antisocial misanthrope who's 
inexperienced with guys, she's a good kisser.

She pulled away abruptly.  "Look, you're a really great guy and all, but I think there's 
something I should tell you.  I'm kind of stuck on this one guy.  I'm sorry.  I didn't mean to 
lead you on."  She chuckled with despair.  "God, I'm beginning to sound just like my sister."

"Hey it's okay," I said.  "Would it make you feel better if I told you that I was a self-insert 
fanfic character, you're really a cartoon, and you're only saying these things because I'm 
writing them?"

"That's true, I suppose," said Daria.  "I think I'd better go.  Quinn's probably back from her 
date, and she might trash those roses you got me if I'm not there to stop her."  She looked at
 me.  "Maybe we can do this again sometime?" she asked shyly.

"Sure."  We exchanged phone numbers and she got out.  It hadn't gone the way I'd planned, but
it had been a fabulous date.