This is my first fanfic, so I appreciate all forms of feedback. Neither
"Daria" nor "Much Ado about Nothing" are my inventions, so
please don't sue me, I won't get money by this. I used Shakespeare's immortal
text and the recommendable film by Kenneth Branagh, so it's not completely
according to the original.
in
"Much
The characters:
Charles Ruttheimer as Don Charles, his distant cousin
Jesse Moreno as Count Jesse of Swedesville
Tom Sloane as Sir Thomas of Fielding
Anthony DeMartino as Don Anthony, Governor of
Max Tyler/Nick Campbell as Guardsmen of Don Trent
Brad&Brett Ruttheimer as Servants
of Don Charles
Kevin Thompson as Chief of the
Timothy O'Neill as Friar Timothy
Daria Morgendorffer as Daria, ward of Don Anthony
Jodie Landon as Jodie, a friend of Jane
Tiffany Blum-Deckler as Tiffany, Jane's chambermaid
Ted DeWitt-Clinton as Theodore, the Prince's Messenger
Joey, Jeffy, Jamie as Constables of
Act One
Scene I
Lawndale High, at the auditorium.
The curtain opens to reveal a group of people dressed
in light medieval clothes, among them Daria, Jane, Jodie and Mr. DeMartino. Ted
enters the stage and adresses DeMartino.
Ted: All hail,
my liege. I haft a message from noblest Prince Trent to be delivereth unto thy
ownst hands... (he hands him a letter)
Daria: (whispers to Jane) Just peachy. One
sentence and he forgot that Ms. Li abandoned the medieval text because Kevin
couldn't understand it.
DeMartino: (trying to hold back in spite of Ted's
mistake) Good. Let me see it. (he
reads the letter) I see that Prince Trent has been victorious in battle.
Ted: (noticing his fault) Oh yeah. He has lost
only a few men, and none popular or even good at his job...
DeMartino: This
says that a man called Count Jesse has assisted the Prince in all matters of
importance. I never heard of him. What kind of man is he?
Ted: He has
fought with true courage and enthusiasm. Prince Trent made him his deputy after
the battle.
Daria: Excuse
me, sir, but has young Lord Ride-giver survived the battle? I am interested to
hear how he awaited the news of victory in a safe place far from the havoc of
war.
Ted: I'm afraid
I don't know to whom you're referring, mylady...
Jane: Oh, she's
referring to the honourable Thomas of Fielding. Every time she meets him, she
tries to outwit him with her sarcasm. It's always a sight to see them exchange
words...
Ted: He has
done his duty as a brave soldier, lady. Indeed, he proved to be the best knight
a commander can have.
Daria: (mockingly to Jane) Oh dear, the
honourable Thomas must have been even more generous with wine than last time. (nods towards Ted) And this young fool
has probably had more than his share in the distribution to praise the host
like this.
DeMartino: Come
on, Daria. Even you have to admit that Sir Thomas is a valiant man who stands
loyally and fearless to his principles.
Daria: You're
right, uncle. Although I hope that his sword tasted the blood of the enemy this
time. Last time it only tasted the commandeered provisions he ate while all the
other knights fought somewhere else...
Ted: You're
funny! (remembers his role again) I
see that this gentleman does not enjoy your respect or your friendship, mylady.
Daria: All he
enjoys while being in my company is my pity. But every time I see him, he's got
a new companion listening to his babbling. Please tell me whom he chose this
time to be the target for his antics.
Ted: Well, he
rode all the time next to Count Jesse and they discussed eagerly... (looks to the entrance) But there is
Prince Trent with his officers!
A group of males enters, also dressed in medieval
garb. Among them are Trent, Tom, Jesse, Max, Nick, Upchuck and his cousins.
DeMartino:
Welcome to my modest house, Prince Trent. I am glad to hear about your great
victory and I invite you and your men to stay at my house for some time to
relax from the strains of combat.
DeMartino: (laughs) Only the black-haired one,
mylord. The others are my ward Daria and their friend Jodie. After my wife
died, I couldn't find another woman to share my life with, so Jane's my only
child and will be my heir...
Tom: (to Jesse) She may be his daughter and
heir, but I'm really glad that she neither inherited his temper nor his looks. (realizes that Jesse is not listening, but
stares at Jane) Anyway, it will be good to relax for some time...
Daria: (interrupts him) Awkward, isn't it? You
try to say something and nobody listens to you. You should get used to it... (Tom turns to her)
Tom: At least
you seem to be listening, my dear Lady Misery. Though I wonder why it must be
you of all ladies to adress me. For I am loved by all of them except you, but I
love none.
Daria: Thank
heavens for that. I would pity any woman you love. I would never want to hear a
man swear his love to me.
Tom: Which will
keep at least one man from a scratched face and a horrible future.
Daria: If you
were your face, I could only improve it by scratching. How was playing war with
your buddies? I remark that you haven't put on weight like the last time. You
weren't allowed to be in charge of the supply in this war, right?
Tom: I'd love
to have a horse with the velocity and endurance of your tongue. Now please
excuse me, I have to talk with my war-playing buddies. (he walks towards
Trent: (raising his voice) Listen to me,
please. Don Anthony has offered us to stay here for at least a month and longer,
if we won't have eaten up his supplies by then. (to DeMartino) Let me introduce my cousin to you, Don Anthony. (he motions Upchuck to come to him) Charles,
this is Anthony, our noble host.
DeMartino: I
welcome you, Don Charles, and hope that you will have peace with your cousin
from now on. (to
All people except Jesse and Tom exit.
Jesse: Have you
noticed Anthony's daughter, Tom? She seems to be a very pleasant young lady...
Tom: You mean
Jane? I looked at her. But not in the way you did. You measured her with your
eyes like a tailor... But wait. You want my judgement about her?
Jesse: (eagerly) Yes, please tell me what you
thought when you looked at Jane.
Tom: Well, I
didn't fail to see several characteristics of beauty around her, and I just
heard Anthony saying that she is the sole heir of his fortune. Most men would
be attracted by the combination of wealth and beauty in a woman, I'm sure as
hell not. Do you want to buy her or why do you ask me about her?
Jesse: (dreamily) Could all the riches of the
world buy such beauty?
Tom: Lots of
it. Do you like her?
Jesse: Jane is
the sweetest lady I ever saw. She must be the incarnation of beauty...
Tom: I've seen
her too and I disagree. That Daria has been equipped with much more beauty than
her, but sadly also with a tongue to drive away all males. If not for that, the
admirers would line up to court for her. (alarmed)
You don't plan to marry and become a husband, do you?
Jesse: I would
lie to myself and you if I denied that, and even if I had sworn celibacy, I
would have to break my oath.
Tom: Dammit!
Why must every man except me be seduced by female beauty? One day I'll be the
only bachelor in the whole army. Go for it if you must, but you'll soon regret
it, I tell you. (
Trent: Hello,
guys. What are you doing here while everyone else is preparing for dinner?
Tom: I could
tell you, mylord, but you wouldn't like it.
Trent: So tell
me please, Thomas.
Tom: So be it.
Our noble Jesse here is in love. Yes, in love. With Anthony's daughter. He just
told me that and said that he intends to marry her.
Jesse: He's
right, mylord. I can't think of anything else since I laid eyes on her.
Trent: That's
good news indeed. That lady is certainly worth it, I know.
Tom: Now don't
support him please. I just tried to get him off that stupid idea. Marriage! As
if a man would be better off chained by a woman than free on his horse!
Trent: One day
you'll meet a woman you'll fall for, my dear Tom. Then you'll understand that
women are the salt of the earth.
Tom: I was born
by a woman; thanks for that. She raised me; thanks for that too. But the day I
decide to marry one will be THE day, I tell you. No woman will ever get me in
her net as long as I can still fight it.
Jesse: I'm sure
that one day you won't fight it. That day might not be far...
Tom: Oh please.
If that should ever happen, write a sign to hang around my neck: "Here
stands Thomas in shame, defeated by a woman."
Trent: Well,
before you continue the discussion, one of you could go to Anthony and tell him
that I'll meet him at supper. Tom, could you do that?
Tom: Yes,
mylord. In the meanwhile, please talk to that poor wretch before he wrecks his
life and abandons his freedom. (he
leaves)
Jesse: Mylord,
I assure you that I'm serious about courting for Jane. I saw her before we went
to war, and I liked her. But now the fighting is done and I realize that I want
to change my life. I want to marry Jane and live with her.
Trent: I
believe you, Jesse. And if you want to marry Jane, I will ask Anthony myself
about her.
Jesse: Don't
you think that I should wait for some time before I explain myself to her?
Trent: Why
wait? Tonight is a great party and everyone will wear masks. I'll tell Jane
about your love and court for her, pretending I'd be you. Soon she'll agree to
the proposal and we'll celebrate a rousing wedding. (they leave)
Scene II
In another room at the house. Upchuck and Brad are
sitting at a table, talking to each other.
Brad: But why
are you sad, mylord?
Upchuck: I hate
my current situation. Since Prince Trent forgave me for hitting on his gothic
chick last month, I sit around and do nothing but thinking. I can't fight in
his army or do anything useful and everyone thinks that I depend on him. I want
to do what I want even if I do wrong.
Brad: Isn't
there anything which would amuse you, mylord?
Upchuck: A good
quarrel between my cousin and his friends would amuse me. Something to hurt
Brett: As a
matter of fact, I do. I overheard the Prince Trent and Count Jesse as they
talked. They spoke about marriage.
Upchuck:
Marriage? But who shall be the couple?
Brett: It seems
that Count Jesse intends to marry Anthony's daughter Jane. The prince will
propose as Jesse's messenger on the party tonight.
Upchuck: Jesse!
That dumbass plans to marry the sweet Jane? She once blew me off when I tried
to date her. There has to be a way to make mischief. Will you assist me?
Brad: Sure,
mylord.
Brett: With all
our power. (they leave)
Act Two
Scene I
At the hall. DeMartino enters with Daria and Jane, all
three are masked. Several masked people are already standing there.
DeMartino: What
do you think of Don Charles, Daria?
Daria: He seems
to be a real tight pain in the neck, uncle. I can't understand why the prince
cares about him.
DeMartino:
Daria, I wonder how you can possibly expect a man to fall in love with you if
you keep on talking like that. If you could hold back your tongue just a bit...
Daria: Look
uncle, either a man takes me in spite of my tongue or he doesn't. If he does,
he knows what awaits him. If he doesn't, it's not my problem. I'll never fall
in love with a man if men don't change fundamentally. The man who enchants me
hasn't been born yet. I'm afraid you'll have to endure the pleasure of my
presence in your house for some more time... (she smirks)
DeMartino: (sighs) You're so weird sometimes...
Jane: But she's
right about Don Charles, dad. He's such a creep.
DeMartino: (getting serious) Jane, I have to tell
you something important. My attendant told me that he overheard a conversation
between Prince Trent and Count Jesse. The Count said that he loves you and
asked the Prince to propose to you tonight at the party. I wanted you to be
prepared for that.
Jane: Count
Jesse? That's the long-haired muscular guy, right? Hmmm...
Daria: Oh dear,
I think I just heard wedding-bells ringing. But always remember that you're
supposed to be ruled by your husband. He'll get a BIG surprise...
DeMartino:
Look, the knights are coming.
Several masked men enter. After a second, they can be
recognized by their haircuts as Jesse, Trent, Tom, Upchuck and his cousins.
Tom: Good
evening, mylady. Would you like a short walk through the garden?
Jane: I'd
appreciate that, dear sir. Walk ahead. (they
leave)
In the meanwhile, Tom has turned to Daria and has
mumbled something inaudible. She answers him.
Daria: You want
to know who told me I was a misery chick and a misfit? Well, that was the
honorable Sir Thomas. I'm sure you know him, since you're obviously a member of
the prince's closest circle.
Tom: (trying to conceal his voice) Well, I am
a friend of the prince. But I don't think that I know this gentleman Sir Thomas
you spoke of. What kind of man is he?
Daria: He's the
prince's jester. A man full of poor jokes and dull wit; he's only liked by the
roughest villains because he meets their level of humour. If he'd be man enough
to approach me, I'd tell him that personally; but since he isn't, give him my
regards.
Tom: If I meet
the gentleman, I'll tell him your opinion about him, that's sure. Oh look, the
dance continues! (Everyone but Jesse,
Upchuck and his cousins leave)
Brad: That's
Jesse, I know him by his haircut.
Upchuck: Let's
start the fun. (adresses Jesse) You're
Sir Thomas, right?
Jesse: (trying to sound like Tom) Yes, I am.
What do you wish?
Upchuck: You're a true and
loyal friend to the prince. He has left along with Lady Jane, I fear that he
intends to marry her. This must be prevented at all costs since she's not equal
to him, neither by birth nor by moral.
Jesse: (shocked) Why do you think that he
intends to marry her?
Brett: I heard
him telling one of his friends that he'd propose to her this very evening.
Upchuck: So did
I. Let us go to the banquet now. (They
leave)
Jesse: (now alone) So the prince lied. He wants
Jane for himself, not for me. Should I tell him about that conversation? But I
don't even know who these men were. So be it. Farewell then, sweet Jane. (Tom enters, unmasked)
Tom: Jesse? (Jesse takes off his mask) Come with me.
The prince has got your Jane.
Jesse: (bitter) I hope they live happily ever
after. Leave me alone.
Tom: Don't be
angry with me, I just told you. I'm neither the prince nor Jane.
Jesse: Ok, then
I'll leave. (He does as told, leaving Tom
back)
Tom: Poor fool.
But the things Daria said about me... Poor jokes and dull wit my foot! I shall
have my revenge against that badmouthed woman soon.
Trent: (enters) Hello Tom. Have you seen the
count?
Tom: Well, he
was here a minute ago. I told him that you had asked the lady about her hand in
marriage and that you probably succeeded. I offered him my help, but he
preferred to leave.
Trent: Why
should he leave?
Tom: I think he
misunderstood you. He said that you wanted the lady for yourself.
Trent: But I
wooed her for him! Oh, by the way, the lady Daria told me that she danced with
a man who told her you badmouthed her seriously.
Tom: That woman
says what...! Oh, she turned around all I said and twisted it into big and ugly
words, harming my reputation in the process. No man'll ever understand that...
witch!
Trent: Talking
of the devil, there she comes.
Enter Jesse, Daria, Jane and DeMartino.
Tom: I feel
like making a LONG walk. Do you have any errand to be done at the end of the
world, mylord? I'd go to the pole and back rather than talk to that HARPY! Or
do you need ANYTHING which would present the need for me to leave right now?
Trent: (laughs/coughs) Not really, but I could
need your superb conversational skills here.
Tom: That's the
one thing I can not assist you with right now. (He leaves)
Trent: Well
mylady, I fear that you're not Tom's favorite sight right now.
Daria: I wonder
why...
Trent: I think
you beat him down, check and mate.
Daria: That
could be the reason. But I brought you Count Jesse, whom you needed ASAP.
Trent: Hello,
Jesse. Why are you so sad? I have wonderful news.
Jesse: If these
are the news I expect to hear, I don't want to hear them.
Trent: Whoa!
Someone must have misinformed you about my doings. I asked both Jane and her
father about the marriage and both agreed. Here she is!
DeMartino: I
give you my daughter, Count. The prince asked for her to be your wife, and I
agree with all good wishes I know. (Jane embraces
Jesse)
Jesse: Cool! I
mean, I feel so happy, I've never felt so happy before...
Daria: Cut the
romance crap, Jesse. And Jane, just kiss him before he keeps on talking like
that forever. (Jane kisses him briefly.
In the background, Kevin appears, looking around with a dumb grin.
Trent: (to Daria) Who is this strange man over
there, Lady Daria?
Daria: (looks over to Kevin) Oh, that jerk?
He's the chief of Uncle Anthony's Guard Company. Since his position was called
"Queen's Bailiff" in former times, he keeps telling everyone he's the
"QB". A real idiot. (looks over
to Jane and Jesse, who are still smooching and kissing) I hope my cousin
doesn't eat him before the wedding. It would be a real shame to ruin all the
preparations.
Trent: You seem
to take all this without any deeper feelings, mylady. (Jane comes over to them after unwrapping herself from Jesse)
Daria: Oh, it's
my fate that everyone but me finds a spouse. I'm used to it now.
Trent: I'm
going to get you a husband which deserves you, Lady Daria. Any wishes?
Daria: Your
father produced nice husbands, mylord. Do you have a brother who's like you?
Trent: (forgetting his role) Let me think...
no, Wind is married at the moment...
(back to his role) I don't think you'd like Don Charles... would you take
me, Lady Daria?
Daria: (blushes) Um...well, ehm... (Jane elbows her) Oh, I don't think I
could, mylord. You are too good for normal days, I'd need a second one for
everyday life. But please, don't be offended, mylord. As I said, it's my fate
to stay single.
Trent: (laughs) You're a special one, Daria.
One day you'll find a wonderful husband.
Daria: Sure I
will. But in the meanwhile, I've got more important things to do. Goodbye,
mylord! (she leaves)
DeMartino:
She's really a special woman, mylord. I hope that she'll find a man someday.
Trent: Well,
how about Sir Thomas?
DeMartino: They
would talk each other to madness even before the wedding. Surely you don't
intend that?
Trent: I'll
tell you what I'm intending. But tell me Jesse, when do you want to marry?
Jesse:
Tomorrow, mylord. I'd rather do it tonight, but the priest will be asleep by
now.
DeMartino:
We'll need at least three days to carry out all things needed for a wedding
worthy of the event we'll celebrate. Next Monday would be the earliest date.
Trent: And in
the meanwhile, we'll do a bit of matchmaking. I'm planning to make Tom and
Daria fall in love with each other. It's their destiny to do so; and since
neither of them has realized it by now, we'll make them realize it. But I'll
need all your help with this. What do you think?
DeMartino: I'll
do what you propose, mylord, regardless how hard it may be.
Jesse:
Likewise, my lord.
Tom: How about
you, Lady Jane?
Jane: I'll do
everything that's necessary to help Daria to a good husband, mylord.
Tom: Then it's
a deal! Before the week is over, we shall have these two chatterboxes wordless
from mutual love. (They leave)
Scene II
In Upchuck's room again. He is sitting there, talking
with Brad and Brett.
Brett: So it's
a fact; Count Jesse will marry the Lady Jane in less than a week.
Upchuck: Okay,
both of you, I want suggestions. Any way of preventing this marriage, defiling
Jane's or Jesse's image or the reputation of the prince will be welcome!
Brad: I may
have an idea, mylord. I told you how I seduced Tiffany, the chambermaid of Lady
Jane...
Brett: You
certainly told me. Several times, and each time you did, the story became
dirtier and your appetite stronger. Please stop it, I just had dinner.
Upchuck: Shut
up, Brett. How could that help us threaten the marriage?
Brad: Well,
she's almost the same height as Jane and has a similar haircut. If you'd see
her from behind in the night, you could hardly see a difference between them...
Upchuck: Okay,
so she resembles her. How can we use that?
Brad: Let's
imagine that she and I are making out at the window of Jane's room, watched by
you and others from below. What - and whom - would you think you see?
Upchuck: Now I
understand! If I show that scene to Jesse and the prince, they'll cancel the
wedding or even abandon her in front of the priest! Wonderful! I'll give you
1000 ducates if everything happens that way. Just tell me when I have to
appear.
Brad: I'll go
looking for Tiffany, mylord. Goodbye. (they
leave)
Scene III
In the garden. Tom is walking through an orchard.
Tom: (talking to himself) I wonder how a
female smile can turn a noble warrior like Jesse in a salivating fool. He used
to be an image of all good characteristics a man should embody; fighting,
riding, drinking, laughing were his greatest joys and a troop of hardened
knights and soldiers his favorite company. Now that he's been enchanted by Lady
Jane, his mind is occupied with sweet songs, daydreaming, poetry and other sweet
nonsense. I don't know if something or someone could ever transform me into
such a geek, but I can't imagine it. (draws
a deep breath) At least not a woman, as far as I know them. A woman may be
fair, that won't get me, another one is wise, no attraction, a third one may be
caring, but as long as there's no woman with all good graces available, I'll
stay single. (beat) She must be
rich..., that's for sure, fair..., or I won't look at her, intelligent..., of
course, a mild spirit, a true lady, a good cook..., oh well, if she's all that,
her fingernails may well be painted if she insists on that... (enter Trent, Jesse, DeMartino, Nick and
Max. Tom hides behind a bush) The prince and our dear Mister Fiancé! This
could get interesting!
Trent: Let's
sit down and hear some music!
Jesse: A
wonderful idea. Say, have you seen Thomas?
Trent: (spots Tom behind the bush) No, I
haven't seen him. But let's not talk about him now. Nicholas, Maximilian! Play
us a song! (They pull out a guitar and a
small drum and begin to sing/play "Love is a thousand times" by Roger
Hodgson. As they end,
Tom: Any kind
of animal uttering such noise would have been crucified long ago. Singing about
love and romance crap my foot! (Max and
Nick exit)
Trent: (squinting in Tom's direction to give his
friends a hint) But listen, Anthony. I just can't believe what you told me
this morning. You really heard your niece Daria plead her love to Sir Thomas? (Tom looks shocked) I've never imagined
that this lady could ever love any man! And of all men she chooses Thomas, whom
she outwardly despised!
DeMartino:
Well, my prince, I told you that my daughter told me that. The poor Daria is
much too shy to tell Thomas directly. But my daughter swears that it must be
true.
Tom: (behind the bush) Can it be true? Or are
they just pulling my leg?
DeMartino: Of
course I asked my daughter at once if Daria wasn't just mocking her on that.
Jesse: Well, I
have asked your daughter and I've seen Daria as she looked at Thomas. If she's
only acting this, then it's the best acting ever seen. The effects I've seen
are genuine.
DeMartino:
That's what my daughter told me. She saw the effects too.
Trent: But if
she's so desperately loving him, why doesn't she confess her love to him?
DeMartino:
There's nothing she'd rather do, but she fears to be rejected and mocked by
him.
Jesse: Jane
told me that she's sitting on her bed, asking herself: "Shall I tell him?
Tell him I love him after I met him with disdain and sarcasm so often?"
She's desperate. Jane says she gets up at night to write letters to him, only
to tear them up when they are finished. She just can't tell Thomas. If he'd
reject her, she'd be devastated. (quietly
to
Trent: So
there's no hope until Thomas knew it from someone else. Maybe we should tell
him about her affection to him.
Jesse: I'm
against it. He'd only start tormenting her because of her love. You know him.
Trent: It's
really a pity. Daria offers everything a man could ever hope for. She's perfect
in every way, except for her love to Thomas. I still think we should tell him.
DeMartino:
Please don't do this, mylord. He would make fun of her, and that'd be her end.
Trent: You're
right. Thomas is a noble warrior, a smart counselor and a worthy addition to
every group of honourable men. His only bad character trait is his hate for all
women. (stands up) Well, it's really
tragic. But I think that the dinner will be ready by now.
Jesse: (whispers) If he isn't persuaded now, then
I'm damned.
Trent: And the
fun isn't over yet. Anthony, would you ask Daria to call Thomas in for dinner?
Make sure that she passes the place where Jane and Jodie are sitting. (they exit)
Tom: (appears from behind the bush) It's hard
to believe, but it must be true. They heard it from Jane, and they say they
pity Daria for loving me. (pauses for a
second) Daria loves me! But why? They said that I would only make fun of
her if I knew; I'll show them they're wrong, because now I know it, and I won't
mock her because... I LOVE HER, TOO! They said that she offers everything a man
can hope for, and I know that it's true; she's rich, fair, intelligent, a mild
spirit, a true lady, a..., oh, her cooking skills aren't important for me! (beat) Of course they'll remember all
the things I said before about women, marriage and love. To hell with them!
When I said that I'd die without having married, I didn't know I would marry
before I die. (spots Daria appearing in
the background) But there comes Daria. She's beautiful! I see real love in
her face.
Daria: (looking rather annoyed) Sir Thomas!
Against my will, I was sent to call you to dinner.
Tom: I thank
you for that, dear Daria, and I hope it hasn't been too strenous for you.
Daria: If
calling you were strenous, I wouldn't have done it. If you're not hungry, then
stay here with your thoughts. (she exits)
Tom:
"Against my will, I was sent..." (pauses)
So she was afraid that I could see her love for me in her mimic? Now I know
she must love me. (he exits)
Act Three
Scene I
Another part of the garden. Jane, Jodie and Tiffany
are sitting on a bench.
Jane: Tiffany,
would you please go and get Daria? Tell her that you just overheard Jodie and
me speaking about her.
Tiffany:
Buut..., weren't we... like, supposed to go to dinner or stuff? (Daria appears in the background, slowly
walking towards them)
Jane: There she
comes. You can go to dinner, Tiffany, we'll follow later. And no, this won't
make you look fat! (Tiffany exits. Jane
turns to Jodie) If I wouldn't be partly guilty of her present state, I'd
strangle her sooner or later!
Jodie: Oh, come
on, Jane. How could you imagine she could mistake your yellow paint for orange
juice? You know she wasn't so bright before that.
Jane: (sighs) You're right. But now, let's
give Daria something to think about. (As
Daria appears on a way behind the bench, Jane gives Jodie a sign to begin)
Jodie: So Jane,
are you sure that Jesse and the prince are right, saying Thomas would love
Daria? Somehow I doubt that. (Daria hides
behind a nearby tree, looking shocked) Has he told Daria of his affection?
Jane: The
prince and my dear fiancé asked me if I could tell her that, but I persuaded
both not to do this ever, if they had any pity for Thomas.
Jodie: But why
not? Doesn't he deserve such a pleasant life as Daria can ever offer him?
Jane: He
deserves as much as any woman can ever offer him. His problem is that he fell
for Daria, whose heart can never feel real love, least of all for poor Thomas,
for whom she has nothing but old jokes and brutal snide. If she learned about
his love, she'd surely use it for her acerbic comments, leaving him desperate.
Jodie: So
there's no hope that Thomas will ever be happy again?
Jane: I fear he
won't. His heart chose the wrong woman to love. He could give her all she ever
could wish for, but she wouldn't recognize her luck. Therefore I'll tell Thomas
to keep his love forever hidden. (she
sighs again) It's tragical. He's a real gentleman.
Jodie: But if
someone else told Daria about Thomas' love? Don't you think she would see how
lucky she can be to have his love?
Jane: Forget
it! She knows about many things, but love's not among them. Anyone who told her
about that would get as much scorn as she could muster.
Jodie: So poor
Thomas will stay lonely. (beat) Tell
me, when will you be married, Jane?
Jane: Tomorrow,
and I count every second. Let us go to eat dinner now. (whispers) If that wasn't persuasive I don't know. She was all ears.
(they exit)
Daria: (steps out) Can this be right? Thomas...
loves me? And I... I do also love him, I know it now! He does indeed deserve
all the love I can give him... and I will give him all my love, as much as I
can. (she exits also)
Scene II
Trent and Jesse stand at a window in the hall.
DeMartino and Tom enter.
Trent: ...so
you'll stay here with your wife while I ride back to
Jesse: Do you
really think you'll be able to manage without me?
Trent: I will,
but I don't think Jane will. I still have Thomas to guard me. There he comes!
Tom enters, looking very thoughtful. The others
exchange short glances at his sight.
Tom: Dear sirs,
I feel different today.
DeMartino: I'll
certainly say so. But why are you different. Are you in love, Thomas?
Trent: (laughs) That'd be the day! You know
that Thomas is immune against love. He's sick, I say.
Tom: I am sad
and happy at the same time. I feel light, then I feel as heavy as a stone.
Whatever it is, I'd like to get rid of it.
Jesse: Are you
sure that you're not in love? You look like three days of melancholy. I'd say
that he's in love. (to
DeMartino: (makes an obvious "cut" motion) At
any rate, he should get cured. He's not himself!
Tom: I know
something which could improve my present state. (gestures to DeMartino) Dear Anthony, would you please take a walk
with me? I must talk to you, and I'd prefer it if these PLAYGROUND heros
wouldn't hear it. (they exit. Jesse and
Trent start to laugh)
Jesse: He's
really asking for Daria's hand now! I hope Jane and Jodie had the same effect
on poor Daria.
Trent: Jane
said that Daria looked completely convinced. We'll have a double marriage next
week, I think. (Upchuck enters) Good
morning, dear cousin.
Upchuck: Good
morning, my prince. And a good morning to you also, Count. I'd like to have a
word with both of you. Am I right that you'll marry tomorrow, Count?
Jesse: You know
I do, Charles.
Upchuck: I only
know that maybe you'll change your decision after you heard what I'll say. For
I'm afraid that your beloved Jane has already lost whatever qualities she had
to other men, before you came.
Jesse: (shocked) You mean that... she's already
had boyfriends?
Upchuck: Lots
of them. But I don't want to influence you. Please come with me to a place
where her window can be seen and you'll see for yourselves.
Trent: I don't
know if you're right, Charles. But if your words are true, the marriage can't
be made.
Jesse: I don't
know what to think. Let us go now. (they
exit)
Interludium
Scene III
At the front gate. The three J's, wearing some kind of
uniform, stand in front of the gate. They look very bored and unenthusiastic.
As Kevin enters the stage, they try to leap to attention but give a poor show.
Kevin: Hi
there! (remembers his role, gets serious)
Are you good and dependable men?
The J's: Yeah!
Kevin: And
d'you know the duties of a good guard?
Joey: Sure
thing. Guard the entrance, control every intruder and do not fall asleep.
Kevin: I'd have
thought it was tackling the receivers, but okay. And if someone doesn't want to
be controlled?
Jeffy: Easy.
Run after him and get him.
Kevin: And if
you know that he's some mean bastard?
Jamie: In that
case, he's bad news and we'll leave him alone.
Kevin: That's
the spirit! You shall be the corporal, Jules..., sorry, Jumbo... whatever.
Jamie: It's
Jamie, but thanks for your trust.
Kevin: But the
most important thing is to stay as quiet as possible. These high guys in
there'll have a marriage tomorrow, so they gonna need all the sleep they get
today. Tomorrow night, they'll be to busy to sleep... (snickers, then gets serious again) And if you need me, just call
for the QB! (he leaves)
Joey: This
sounds like the ideal job to me. Let's sit down under that tree to take a nap.
Jeffy: Yeah! I
don't think that guard guy will come back before morning.
They sit down in the shadows, being partially hidden
from view. Brett and Brad enter, talking happily.
Brett: Now
please tell me how you played a trick on the Prince and his followers. Do you
really think they fell for it?
Brad: Sure they
did. I told that Tiffany chick to wear the garment Jane wore when Count Jesse
saw her for the first time... (snickers)
..."to make it a special occasion".
Brett: Good
thinking. But what happened after that?
Brad: I made
out with her directly on the balcony of Jane's room, making sure that her face
could not be seen from the yard. Since I could overlook the yard between hot
kisses, (snickers again) I saw our
master with his cousin and Jesse. Damn, I acted so good, even Don Charles
looked terrified!
Jeffy: (whispers) That's treason and deception!
We should arrest those scoundrels!
Joey: (whispers back) You're right! But let's keep on listening.
Brad: Did you
hear anything...? Ah, never mind. However, the results of this masterpiece are
1000 ducates for me, satisfaction for Don Charles and some broken hearts for
Prince Trent's company. It's a pity I can't be eyewitness when Jesse faces his
bride at the wedding...
Jamie: Okay,
that's enough evidence. Let's get them. (the
three J's jump out of the shadow on Brett and Brad) You are hereby arrested
under the law of Don Anthony! Get them to the guard captain to interrogate
them. We'll see how you'll like a night in dungeon! (they drag the prisoners away)
Scene IV
Jane stands in her room, trying
on a wedding dress. Tiffany and Jodie stand beside her.
Jane: Please go
and wake Daria, Jodie. I need her opinion on this dress.
Jodie: Are you
sure you want her opinion? You'll have less trouble if you don't make her do
this. (Jane gives her a stern look)
I'm on my way. (she exits)
Ti: Don't you
think...this will make you look...faaat? I think...a black one would be like...
much more slimming...
Jane: (cuts her off) You may be right, Tiffany.
But today it's my wedding, not my funeral. So I'll be better off with white. (under her breath) And I won't look fat
if I don't have your bony figure standing next to me...
Ti: Are you
sure that...you wanna...marry this guy? You won't be free for...other guys to
take you out. No more presents...and stuff...
Jane: Look
Tiffany, there are hardly any guys around here worth waiting. As soon as they
discover the first hair on their chin, they leave for some stupid war to defend
their "loved ones" ...instead of staying with them at home. I think
I'll be happy with Jesse. If you want to tell someone about staying single,
tell Daria. (Daria and Jodie enter the
room, Daria looking unhappy) Hello Daria! How do you like my dress? (Daria says nothing) Daria?? Have you
heard me?
Daria: (looks up, deadpan) Oh, it looks dreamy.
Jesse will have a hard time standing beside you without ripping it off to see
what's beneath it...
Jane: You seem
sad, Daria. You might need some love to cheer you up.
Daria: No can
do. Love's the one thing I have now and I can't cope with it... Oops!
Jane: (smiles) Yet this might change. Look at
the gifts the Count sent me. I got one for every day between the official
engagement and today. I wonder why he didn't show up this morning... Well, I'll
see him soon enough.
Jodie: And
you're not the only lovesick person. Yesterday I saw the dear Sir Thomas
walking through the garden, mumbling some poetry fragments. He might have
changed his attitude towards women...
Jane: Oh, I
think that he has changed his attitude only concerning one special woman. But
we gotta go now. Tiffany, please stay here. Daria, Jodie, let's go now. (they exit)
Scene V
DeMartino stands outside his house, adressing Kevin.
DeMartino: So
you have arrested two delinquents last night.
Kevin: Oh yeah!
My men heard talk about some hideous crime in the garden. Now they're chained
in my dungeon waiting for your inspection!
DeMartino: (confused) Who's in your... Never mind.
Ehm...you've done good work, but listen. My daughter Jane marries the Count
Jesse today, so I can't come to see them now. Maybe tomorrow or the day after
that. You understand me?
Kevin: Sure,
boss. Whatever you say. Have fun at the party. (DeMartino leaves) Hey, wait! I'm the QB, why didn't I get invited?
That sucks! (he leaves also)
Act IV
Scene I
Inside a church. Trent, Upchuck, DeMartino, Tom and
Jesse enter. They approach the altar, where Jane stands with Daria and Jodie at
her sides and O'Neill behind her.
DeMartino:
Okay. Please begin, Friar Timothy.
O'Neill: As you
wish. (he turns to Jane) Do you want to marry this man, mylady?
Jane: I do.
O'Neill: And do
you want to marry this lady, mylord?
Jesse: Well,
aren't you supposed to ask if anyone knows a reason to prevent this marriage?
O'Neill:
Usually both parties agree first... As you wish. Does anyone know a reason why
these two should not be married right now?
DeMartino: I'm
entirely sure that there is no such reason, friar. Please continue.
O'Neill: Okay.
So I hereby declare you...
Jesse: (interrupts him) But I know a reason. (turns to Jane) Why do you want to marry
me, Jane?
Jane: (looks surprised) Because I love you,
Jesse. Don't you know that?
Jesse: Oh,
that's a good reason. Don't you love the guy who made out with you last night?
(everyone looks shocked except Trent, who
looks sad, and Upchuck, who smirks secretly)
Jane: (totally petrified) What... what did you
say, Jesse? I haven't made out with any man ever, neither last night nor any
other night! Why do you accuse me?
Jesse: Oh yeah?
Keep your words in your rotten, immoral body where they belong, you... you
bitch! (DeMartino steps between them and
takes Jesse by his collar, dragging him very near to his own face)
DeMartino: (EXTREMELY furious) Listen, you bastard!
I don't know why you're doing this, but you're wrong and I expect an
explanation NOW! Jane would never... (Trent
comes up and pushes DeMartino's arm away)
Trent: Stop it
Anthony! (takes a short breath) I
must tell you that Count Jesse, my cousin and I have seen your daughter making
out with a man at her window last night. I'm sorry for you, but this insult
can't be tolerated. My men and I will leave as soon as possible. (he takes one of Jesse's arms and drags him
away, with most of his men behind him except Tom, who stays at his place
without saying anything. DeMartino watches them go, then shifts his gaze to
Jane, who is comforted by the other girls because she looks very pale)
DeMartino: (still furious) JANE! How could you do
this to me?! You could have had my wealth, the count's love and the highest
honors a woman can get, but instead you.. you chose to stain both my and your
reputation forever! (Jane faints) How
appropriate! Now she'll die and only her betrayal will live! (he tries to slap her, but Tom stops him)
Tom: Anthony!
Listen to me! Do you really think your daughter would do such a thing? (he turns to Daria) Do you, dear Daria?
DeMartino: (calms down a bit) I don't think so,
Thomas. But you heard it! Both princes and the count saw her last night! Whom
shall I believe?
Daria: I for my
part don't believe any of their accusations. Jane may not be an angel, but she
has never done such a thing like Jesse said! This must be wrong! (exchanges a glance with Tom; both look
hopeful at each other)
Tom: Well,
Prince Trent and Jesse are both honorable men, but they aren't the brightest
bunch. Don Charles, however, is the exact opposite in both areas: he's clever,
but he's also quite hideous. Maybe he played a trick on the others with the
help of his cronies. (he turns to Daria)
Have you slept in her chamber last night, Daria?
Daria: Not last
night, but every other night since I live here. (beat) She drove me nuts with her talk about marriage and stuff.
Poor Jane...
DeMartino: So
the prince might be right?!
O'Neill: Please
listen to me, mylord. The Prince and the Count really believe in whatever they
saw last night, that's sure. You say she is not guilty of the accusations.
Knowing Jane since her baptism, I'm on your side, but they won't listen to me
either.
DeMartino: So
what do you advise me to do?
O'Neill: Hide
your daughter. Tell everyone she's died from a broken heart. Try to find out
what really happened. The Prince and the Count saw a woman at your daughter's
window, so they said. If it wasn't your daughter, then it was someone else. If
you find that woman, present her to the Count. If he loves your daughter, he'll
be sorry for her death.
Tom: This seems
a good plan to me, Don Anthony. Let everything be done like he said.
Daria: I agree,
uncle. This might be the only solution.
DeMartino: I
don't know what to believe anymore. But if you are sure about it, I agree. Let
the herald announce that Lady Jane died after being rejected by the Count. (he leaves with O'Neill, both men carrying
Jane between them)
Tom: With the
help of the friar, things might still be patched up. Aren't you happy about it,
Daria?
Daria: (turns to him) Happy?! Jane has been
publically rejected and attacked by that brute! If I were Jane, I would kick
his head off even if he came back crawling. Men!
Tom: Fair
Daria, please don't speak like this. I am also a man, and I want to be your
friend, if you let me. In fact I'd do anything to win your friendship - and
your love.
Daria: (looks at him) There is a way to win my
friendship - and maybe even my love, Thomas. It's the way of a man, but I don't
think it can be your way.
Tom: Anything
you want, fair Daria!
Daria: Do you
really love me?
Tom: There's
nothing I love as much as I love you. Do you love me, Daria?
Daria: I know
it's strange, but yes, I love you too. Will you do what I want you to?
Tom: Just tell
me.
Daria: (slowly, but very clear)
Bring...me...Jesse's...head!
Tom: I can't.
Daria: So you
don't love me?
Tom: I love you
passionately, but I can't kill Jesse, who fought beside me like a brother.
Daria: Then
leave me now and never come back.
Tom: (takes Daria's hand) Listen! Are you
completely, totally and unmistake-ably sure that he has dishonoured Jane?
Daria: Yes,
yes, YES! I'm so sure that, if I were a man, I would go and ask for justice
myself!
Tom: Then I
will challenge him for your love and Jane's honour. I'll have to say that she's
dead according to the Friar's plan. Farewell, Daria. (he kisses her and leaves)
Scene II
The dungeon. Kevin and the J's stand around Brad and
Brett, the latter two looking badly beaten up. O'Neill sits in the background
with a notepad and a pencil.
Kevin: So,
we're interrogating you scoundrels now! What are your names?
Brad: My name's
Brad, and I'm no scoundrel.
Brett: Yeah!
I'm Brett, and we're honourable men.
Kevin: (to O'Neill) Okay, write down: honourable
men Brad and Brett, accused of... (looks
at them) being rascals, scoundrels and villains. What do you have to say?
Brett: Well, we
are none of these. We already told you we're honourable men.
Kevin: But I
say you're not, and I'm the law here! (O'Neill
gestures) What's on, Mr O... Friar?
O'Neill: You
aren't doing this right! Your guards caught them and brought them here, so ask
them why they did so.
Kevin: Oh yeah.
Smart idea! (to the J's) So why did
you arrest them, corporal?
Jamie: We
caught them when they were bragging about having done a horrible crime!
Kevin: And
which horrible crime was that?
Joey: That guy
(points to Brad) told the other guy
that he earned 1000 ducates by making out at a window with some chick,
deceiving several spectators below. I say he's a pervert and shall be arrested.
Jeffy: Right!
And the other one (points to Brett)
encouraged him and seemed to know about the other guy's plan, so he's also a
pervert and should be kept off the streets.
Kevin: Okaaay.
I think we should keep them in the dungeon until Don Anthony comes to see for
himself. (to the delinquents) That's
not supposed to happen soon, hear me. With the death of his daughter to
bemourn, he won't be able to come for a long time...
O'Neill: (alarmed) Captain, I think you should
bring these two to Don Anthony at once. They deceived several high men, making
them believe Don Anthony's daughter had an affair before her marriage. This
resulted in her rejection and her death this morning! (to Brad) I've seen your face before. You work for Don Charles,
right?
Brad: For whom?
(Kevin hits him in the kidney from behind)
Oh yeah, and he told us what we should do! He was the brain behind...
O'Neill: (interrupts him) That's enough. Captain,
accompany me to Don Anthony with these two fellows. (he leaves)
Act V
Scene I
In front of the house. DeMartino and Ted enter,
talking vividly.
Ted: But why
are you so furious, mylord? This sad affair has not killed your daughter, but
from the look on your face, it is likely to kill you soon.
DeMartino: You
can not understand my anger and sadness unless you have children yourself,
Theodore. Since my wife died, all my energy has been diverted to Jane's
happiness. My highest target was to find a good husband for her. Jesse seemed
perfect: he is a brave soldier, carries a good name and (he pauses for a moment) most of all, my daughter loves him. If he
would really love her, he would never have turned against her publically.
Ted: Maybe he
turned against her because he loves her and found his love betrayed by whatever
he and the other men saw that night.
DeMartino: I
really hope that you are right. (sees
Jesse and Trent enter) There he is! I would prefer you to leave now. After
all, you are still the Prince's messenger. (Ted
leaves)
Trent: Good
morning, Anthony.
Jesse:
Likewise.
DeMartino:
Listen to me, Prince. My daughter...
Trent: I'm
sorry, Anthony, but we are in a hurry.
DeMartino: In a
hurry? Oh well, I believe the valiant Count is out to kill more people. Maybe
he will choose his sword instead of his lying tongue as weapon this time, this
villain!
Jesse: Villain?
Trent: Anthony,
you are beside you from grief.
DeMartino: I am
perfectly myself. (to Jesse) You are
responsible for the death of my only child. If I were younger, you would die
from my hand for your deed; but since you're known as a good fighter despite
lacking more important human character traits, I won't give you the chance to
kill both father and daughter. Now get off my property!
Trent: Listen,
Anthony. I feel sorry for Jane and I can understand your grief. But three
honorable men saw your daughter at her own window, and I will not listen to
anything else.
DeMartino: But
you will, Prince. Be certain you will. (He
leaves as Tom enters)
Trent: Hello
Thomas. You should have arrived a minute ago to see Anthony in action. He is
still telling everyone around that his daughter was wronged. Poor old chap!
Jesse: (laughs) Yeah, and he threatened to kill
me. Can you imagine that?
Tom: Oh, did
he? (pauses) In fact, I wanted to
talk with you.
Trent: To whom
of us do you want to talk, Thomas?
Tom: To both,
but first to you, mylord. (pauses, then
to
Trent: Um... okay.
Jesse: (interested) And what do you want to tell
me, Thomas?
Tom: (swerves around and grabs Jesse by his throat)
You are a villain and a monkey. You killed a sweet, innocent girl out of
ignorance, stupidity and blindness and even now, you still walk around
unpunished. Anthony is not able to demand satisfaction from you, but I am. (tightens his grip) You can decide when
you want to fight, where and how, but you will answer me, or I shall inform
everyone of your cowardice. Prince, you heard me?
Trent: (visibly shocked) Yes, I heard you,
Thomas.
Tom: (opens his grip and shoves Jesse backwards)
Okay. Let me know when you are ready, Jesse. Until then, behave nicely. Goodbye
now, Prince. I have to calm Anthony. (he
leaves)
Jesse: (stares after him, gulping) Good Lord! I
never imagined Thomas to show so much emotion!
Trent: I think
he was sent by Daria. At least the plan to bring them together worked out if
nothing else did. However, he challenged you and you have to fight him soon. (thinks for a moment) What if it was
not... No, it must have been Jane! Still... (Kevin enters with the guard and the prisoners) Good morning,
Captain. (recognizes the prisoners)
Wait! These men are my cousin's servants. Why are they bound, Captain?
Kevin: Well,
first they committed some big crime, then they bragged about it and later
denied it. So they lied to the law and are bad people. They made a semi-public
peep show for some big men and were paid by some other big man, so they both
are scoundrels and weasels and most of all, they said that they are honorable
men which is an insult to honor itself.
Trent:
Whatever. (adresses Brad) Can you
tell me personally why this lame-brain decided to arrest both of you?
Brad: (looks to the three J's, then to Kevin who is
cracking his knuckles, looking menacingly) I shall tell you everything if
you promise neither to kill me personally nor to let anyone else do it. (
Jesse: You
bastards! You know what I did to Jane... (realization
hits him now) But... if she's innocent, then... (rushes towards Brad) You'll pay for this!!!
Trent: (steps between them) I promised not to
kill them, Jesse. But he shall repeat his story to Anthony, or I will return
him to the guards. (Brad gets pale)
Kevin: Excuse
me, mylord, but the friar who wrote down their confession said that he would
inform Don Anthony about this crime. (enter
O'Neill and DeMartino) There he is!
DeMartino: (trying to control himself) The friar
told me that these two men have deceived the Prince as well as the Count,
resulting in events I hope everyone present here regrets now.
Brad: You were
informed right. I myself played a part in the plan invented by Don Charles
which succeeded in preventing your daughter's marriage.
DeMartino: At
the cost of her life, you mean. Take them away until I can imagine a punishment
worthy of their crime. (both delinquents
shudder at the thought while DeMartino turns to Trent and Jesse) I hate to
ask this, but is there anything you want to tell me besides being proud of
killing my daughter?
Trent: I am so
sorry having been fooled by these villains, Anthony. I hope that you accept my
excuse and my pity about Jane's death.
Jesse: (falls down in front of DeMartino) I know
that you hate me, Anthony. You have every right to do so, I know now. If there
is anything I can do to lighten both your grief and my guilt, please tell me. I
would do everything to receive your absolution.
DeMartino: I
accept your excuse, Prince. About you, Count Jesse... (O'Neill whispers something to him) well, that might be the
solution... (he looks at Jesse) If
your death would bring my daughter back, I would order my men to kill you right
now. Since this is impossible, you shall have another punishment. There is a
woman working in my household. She is ugly, dumb, and I believe she is older
than you. If you want my forgiveness, you have to marry her tomorrow without
seeing her face after spending the night at Jane's grave. This may sound cruel,
but since you destroyed the chance to live with Jane's love and my wealth, you
shall live with a lowly maid and trying to earn a living yourself. If the
Prince assures me that he will not give you any money to cope with, that shall
be the price for the death of my daughter. Do you accept it, Count?
Jesse: (obviously shocked, but cowing under his
guilt) Yes... yes, I accept, noble Anthony. If these things can lighten
both your pain and my guilt over your daughter's death, I will do as you told
me.
Trent: And I
shall share Jesse's watch at the grave tonight, since I was also deceived by
this felony.
DeMartino: So
it's sealed. Please excuse me, I will call my herald to have him announce what
really happened to my daughter. I expect you two tomorrow morning at the
church.
Trent: We will
be there, Anthony.
Jesse: Yes, we
will. But tonight, we shall mourn for Jane. (they exit)
DeMartino: (to O'Neill) I hope your plan works out.
In the meanwhile, I'm going to have a word with these rats (he points to Brad and Brett, who shudder)
and with Tiffany, who had her share in this, I think.
Brad: Do you
really think this airhead could remember a plan five minutes after being told
about it? She's a nice way to pass the time, but... (Kevin knocks him down) ...oomph!
DeMartino: You
might be right after all. Okay, so my power and the full wrath of justice will
be concentrated on you two and your master, if he should ever return. (Brett looks angry at his brother as the J's
drag them out and everyone exits in different ways)
Scene II
In the garden. Tom is talking to Tiffany.
Tom: Please
tell me, has the sweet Daria said something about me to you recently?
Tiffany:
Well... she said it was nice of you... to stay with her and her family while
this... Prince guy stormed off... but since I don't listen to her often... I
don't know.
Tom: And do you
think she'd appreciate a sonnet from me as a gift?
Tiffany: But
why would she need... a sun-hat? She's always buried in her books, and that's
so unpopular... although she keeps her creamy complexion... I must admit...
Tom: (slightly exasperated) A sonnet, Tiffany.
You know, some poetry about her beauty, her intelligence, her wonderful style
of dressing, compromised in fourteen immortal lines...
Tiffany: Do you
really think... you can write fourteen lines about her beauty? She never wears
any fashionable clothing like... mauve-purple polka dot trousers or whatever...
Tom: Whatever.
Listen, what I want to know is... never mind, I'll be more creative if you go
now. But... thanks for your help! (Tiffany
leaves. Tom turns away, his face relieved) Now let's see... (he unfolds a sheet of paper bearing several
notes, some are crossed out, others underlined and circled) My future is
sweet/ for I did just meet/ a girl of such zeal/ which's making me feel... (he throws down the paper) Damn! Why
can't I find rhymes fitting both my feelings and the metrum? (he picks up the paper again, reading his
notes) That's hopeless! I tried everything, but look at these poor rhymes:
'witty'... 'pity'... oh come on! 'love'... 'tough'... maybe true, but not
nice... 'fair'... 'care'... forget it! Why do I even try? I know that she
wouldn't be flattered even if I wrote like Cupid! Which is one of the classic
fifty ways why I like her so much... (sees
Daria approaching) Sweet Daria! The sun shines brighter when you're near
me! (looks surprised by his own words)
Daria: Hello,
Thomas. I hope your lyric temperament didn't keep you from challenging Jesse.
Tom: Let me
tell you everything while you sit down here at my side. (he offers her a seat)
Daria: Save
your come-ons for later, I just want to know what went on between Jesse and
you.
Tom: As you
like it. I found him and challenged him in the Prince's presence, so he'll
either fight me or run from my wrath, in which case his reputation's ruined
forever.
Daria: You
really did? (mockingly) Somehow, I
can't picture you as a grim warrior...
Tom: Well, I
think Jesse can. (stands up) And if I
must fight him, you shall see for yourself. But let's not talk about it now.
Please tell me, what made you desire me for the first time?
Daria: To tell
you the truth, it was the absence of any desirable quality or character trait.
It's a thing seldom found in men. But why did you fall for me the first time
you saw me?
Tom: 'Fall for
you' might not be the right expression for our first meeting. I think 'duck for
cover' might describe it better. But love has come in stranger ways than that,
I heard.
Daria: So Love
smote you down when you saw me first? If you ducked for cover at my sight, I
shall do also. Farewell, dear Thomas. (she
turns to leave, but Tom holds her back)
Tom: We are too
sensible to fall in love without our brains trying to tell our hearts how to do
it in the right style, Daria. But tell me, how's your cousin?
Daria: (becomes serious again) She's still very
sad, she told me. And therefore, I am also.
Tom: (takes her hand) Let me help you. (sees Jodie running towards them) But I
think there might be interesting news to hear.
Jodie: Daria,
you must come immediately! Some guys were arrested for deceiving the Prince and
Jesse, Jane's innocent and everything's in chaos in there!
Daria: I'm
coming! (turns to Tom) Will you go
with me?
Tom: (takes her in his arms and swirls her around)
I will go with you to the end of the world, to the home of the gods and to the
bottom of the ocean, if you want me to. But before that, I'll go with you to
your uncle, since that's what I wanted to do anyway. (Daria hits him playfully as they leave)
Scene III
Inside the church. A black coffin lies in front of the
altar, partly covered with the dress Jane wore at the wedding. Jesse, Trent and
several other men, among them Ted, Max and Nick, enter with flowers and some
instruments. Jesse is sobbing quietly.
Ted: This is the
coffin of the Lady Jane, mylord.
Jesse: (takes out a sheet, unrolls it and starts to
read aloud)
Once I cursed your very name,
Then I learned your words were true.
Now I know I'll live in shame,
Mercy must I beg from you.
May the gods honour you high,
I shall suffer 'till I die. (he starts to cry) Oh Jane!
Trent: (pats him on the shoulder) It'll be
alright, man. Someday, it'll be...
Jesse: Yes, but
every year I shall return to this place to pray for her. (the other men start to leave) Goodnight to all of you. But remember
to be there tomorrow for my wedding.
Trent: Are you
sure you want to do this, Jesse? I mean, your reputation will suffer from this
marriage... (Jesse cuts him off)
Jesse: My
reputation cannot sink lower than it is already. I committed a crime of
ignorance and stupidity, and I'll pay for it. Goodnight, Prince. (they exit)
Scene IV
At the church again. DeMartino, O'Neill and Tom are
standing left of the altar while several girls in white dresses are standing at
the side, their faces hidden by veils.
O'Neill: See,
Don Anthony? I told you your daughter was innocent!
DeMartino: In
my heart, I knew that. But I have to thank you. Without your idea to spread the
rumour of Jane's death to discover the truth, things would have become much
worse for everyone. I... (suddenly he
hugs a startled O'Neill)
O'Neill: Um...
thank you, Don Anthony. (looks over to
the women) You haven't told me yet whom Jesse will marry now. Wouldn't it
be a good punishment to set him up with that maid Tiffany?
DeMartino: (laughs) If he really had killed Jane and
if Tiffany had known about her share in it, I would tie them together 'till
death does them part'. Just imagine that couple! (laughs again, then becomes serious) Jesse bears no guilt except
being deceived so easily. If it's OK with Jane, they can marry.
Tom: That's so
nice of you, Don Anthony. Shall I summon the herald to have him publically
praise your gentle-minded and friendly soul?
DeMartino: Stop
it, Tom. You would destroy twenty years of very hard-boiled reputation. And
beside that, you wanted to ask the friar something which still needs my
agreement, right?
Tom: Oh yes,
thank you for reminding me. (turns to
O'Neill and whispers) I might need you and your official help in something,
friar.
O'Neill: And
for what do you need me, if I may ask?
Tom: I'm going
to propose to the fair lady Daria. If she agrees, I need you to bind us; if she
declines, you better bury me. But she has changed her attitude towards me
nearly as much as I changed mine towards her.
DeMartino: That
attitude change might be motivated by some actions of me and some others, but
it might be better to tell you and Daria when everyone's present. And if you
want to marry her, I support you in your choice.
O'Neill: And if
the lady wants you, I shall be very glad to do as you wish. (Jesse,
Jesse: A good
morning to everyone.
DeMartino: Good
morning to you too. Now Jesse, are you still willing to marry the woman I did
choose for you? If you are not, it might be better to tell now than to start
another scene and to be known as the 'runaway bride-groom'.
Jesse: I will
do as you wish, Don Anthony; if you wish me to marry a certain woman, please
point her out so we can continue. (he
notices Tom) Oh, hello Thomas. Are you here to ensure I won't escape?
Tom: As long as
you play nice, you are safe. But I am not here to ride herd on you...
Trent: I think
he might have his own business with the friar here, Jesse. You remember?
Jesse: Oh yeah.
At least one of us gets the woman his heart desires... (DeMartino motions to the girls to come over) Now which one is my
bride?
DeMartino: This
one. (One of the girls steps forward)
You know you have to agree to this before she takes off the veil?
Jesse: Yes, I
know and I agree, if she likes me. (to
the girl) Do you want to marry me?
Jane: (takes off the veil) Yes, I do. But
you're damn lucky to get a second chance, Jesse.
Trent: Jane!
Jesse: Jane? But you died!
How can this be?
DeMartino:
Let's just say some people decided to prevent a certain blockhead from making
the biggest fault of his life. Congratulations, Jesse.
Jesse: But, I
mean... I am married to her now, right? (Jane
kisses him) Cool!
O'Neill: The
long version of Jane's being reborn can wait until later. Let us celebrate now.
Tom: Not so
fast, friar. There is another thing to decide. (to DeMartino) Which one is Daria?
Daria: (takes off the veil) I am. What do you
want from me, Thomas?
Tom: It seems
to be obvious that you love me passionately.
Daria: Me? You
are a pleasant fellow. But 'loving you passionately'? No, that is not true.
Tom: You do
not? Then the prince, the count and your uncle suffer from a funny daydream.
They were sure you love me.
Daria: Why do
you ask this, Tom? Do you love me by chance?
Tom: Oh no, not
really. You are a nice girl, but I do not love you.
Daria: Then
Jane and Jodie must have worked with paint for too long. They swore that you
love me.
Tom: Three men
said you could not sleep because of loving me.
Daria: Two
women said you were on the brink of desperation because of loving me. Are you
sure you are not?
Tom: Completely
sure. There is no feeling but friendship I have for you.
DeMartino: Stop
it, you two. You both love each other, and I can prove it. Evidence 1: a very
mediocre poem written by Thomas to express his love for Daria. (he produces a very crumpled sheet from his
pocket and gives it to Daria)
Jane: And
evidence 2: A desperate try of Daria to write down her true feelings for
Thomas. (waves around another sheet with
several inkblots and creases and gives it to Tom)
Tom: (reads Daria's poem) Amazing! We are
proven wrong by our own writing. (thinks
for a moment) OK, for what it's worth, I'll marry you, Daria. I can't stand
the thought of you living alone forever.
Daria: (after reading Tom's poem) I accept your
proposal, but only to please all the people here and because your family is
said to be very short-lived, so I must be kind to you if you'll be visited by
the Grim Reaper any day now.
Tom: This must
have an end. (he embraces and kisses her)
Trent: So now
you'll become a married man, Thomas. The world has changed, hasn't it?
Tom: Listen,
prince. You and all bachelors of the world can come and mock my decision. I've
found a wonderful girl to spend my life with, and that's all a man can hope
for. (turns to Jesse) Since Jane
forgave you and we're related now, you won't have to answer me for what you
did. But treat her well, or I must teach you how to be a gentleman. (holds out his hand)
Jesse: Be
assured, I will. I've got my chance from Jane and I won't spoil it again. It's
good to see you with Daria, however. It would have been hard to be killed by
you after we did so much to make you happy in spite of yourself. (shakes hands with Tom)
Tom: Whatever.
(lays an arm around Daria) Let's
start the festivities now!
Trent: Don't
you think you forgot something?
Tom: Let me
see... oh sure, we must still find a wife for you, prince. But that can wait...
(Ted and the three J's enter, dragging
Upchuck between them)
Ted: Mylord, we
found your brother. What do you want us to do with him?
Tom: (before
Jesse: Let us
celebrate! (Everyone starts to dance as
the curtain closes and the audience starts to applaud)
After a minute, the curtain rises again to reveal
O'Neill
O'Neill: Thank
you, thank you! I am proud to present the actors: Joey, Jeffy and Jamie, the
guards! (The three J's come on the stage
and gets their applause) Tiffany, Ted and Charles, who played their roles
like professionals! (Tiffany gets most of
the applause, Ted is greeted by some clapping while Upchuck only gets applause
from several red-haired people, obviously his family) Jodie and Kevin,
whose performance was great! (Kevin comes
up with a stupid grin, getting only some applause while Jodie's reception is
more enthusiastic) And, of course, our two female protagonists: Jane and
Daria! (As they appear on the stage, most
people clap half-heartedly, then they seem to reconsider the girls' performance
and start to applaud for real. Jane enjoys it visibly while Daria looks a bit
awkward. O'Neill comes over to them to give each of them a big bunch of
flowers, which makes Daria look really unhappy
until she takes them and bows shyly, squinting over at a smiling Jane)
Daria: (whispers to Jane) As soon as we're
outside, I'll make you eat this stuff!
Jane: (whispers back) Aww, isn't this cute?
Enjoy your glory!
O'Neill: I also
have to thank the actors who do not go to this school and volunteered to take a
part in the play. Brad and Brett Ruttheimer! (They come on the scene and get the same reception as Upchuck) The
former LHS students Nicholas Campbell, Max Tyler, Jesse Moreno and
Jane: (leans over to Daria) Not a single word
about my pressing them into doing this! That's not fair!
Daria: Oh, come
on Jane. You know that all your pressing would've been for nothing if Li had
denied them their 'All You Can Endure' concert at the auditorium next weekend.
O'Neill: Then
there's of course Fielding student Thomas Sloane, who enriched this evening
with his superb performance, and who took part in this play as a favour for his
girlfriend, Daria Morgendorffer! (The
audience claps enthusiastically for Tom. Daria looks frantically around for a
place to hide as Tom comes up and kisses her. Quinn appears at the back of the
stage and throws a big bunch of roses to Tom, who hands it to Daria with a deep
bow. Jane stands beside them, smiling her head off) And last but not least,
LHS teacher Anthony DeMartino as the governor. (DeMartino comes up and bows shortly, getting some applause from his
colleagues and some students. O'Neill also bows and gets some applause before
the curtain closes again)
Daria: (looks at Tom and Jane) I'm gonna kill
you both! You had this planned, didn't you?
Tom: (smiles) I plead the fifth, darling. But
I think your parents liked it. I saw them sitting in the first row, and they
looked happy. Oh by the way, thank you Quinn.
Daria: (looks at Quinn still standing at the side,
smiling) So you helped them, sis? My revenge will be terrible...
Quinn: Daariaa!
I, like, wanted to help Tom surprise you! Besides, without your remembering
O'Neill what had happened the last time he staged a play, I would have gotten a
part in the play too! You know what I mean!
Jane: (smiles) You mean O'Neill throwing out
Britanny, Sandi and you at the first rehearsal for ruining the 'Canterbury
Tales'?
Quinn: Exactly!
I mean... Okay, Sandi confused me, Britanny abducted Kevin and I forgot my
lines, so people threw turkey legs at me, but O'Neill gave Jeffy another
chance, too.
Daria: That's
because he was desperately short on male actors, you know. If he hadn't taken
Mystik Spiral, Tom and Upchuck's cousins, he would have needed either your
fanclub or Upchuck and Mack for the big roles. You'd rather play the Prince or
the governor? Wait! Brainstorm! Next time, you get Tiffany's role, so Brad
Ruttheimer can try out his 'magic hands' on you! (The other two start to laugh so hard that Quinn storms off. Tom and the
girls leave the auditorium to sit down on a bench)
Jane: (to Daria) Now that was really mean. (pauses for a moment) I liked it.
Daria: (mock-bows) Thank you very much. I'm so
glad that you two were there to share it with me.
Tom: (smiles) At your service. But O'Neill was
right.
Daria: About
your 'superb performance'?
Tom: No, about
asking you to play the lead roles. You were very good, especially concerning
this was your first time.
Jane: Be
careful, Daria. The only time he told me that, he meant... (blushes) ...um, never mind... forget
what I said.
Tom: (hurriedly) It's not what you might
think, Daria. I said that when she... (Jane
glares at him) ...come on, Jane. Can you imagine what Daria must think now?
Daria: If it's
about you two having...
Jane: (interrupts her) ...no, it's not. (looks at Tom) Okay, but I'll tell her. (sighs) When Tom and I hooked up, he
wanted to introduce me to his parents. His father told him that I could meet
them at their club before some golf tournament for a few minutes. (glares at Tom again) When I arrived
there, I found out that it was a charity tournament for juniors, and that Tom
was supposed to play with his sister.
Tom: (takes over) Elsie became ill that
morning and stayed at home, so I suddenly needed a new partner for that
tournament.
Daria: Wait.
You mean you and Jane played... golf together? She can't even play minigolf!
Jane: That's
more or less what I told him then, but he begged me to try it at least because
his parents had already paid a high fee for participating in this. I wanted to
show my best side to them, so I played golf with Tom...
Tom: ...and you
played quite good for your prémiere. (Jane
frowns) Okay, you tried for twenty minutes to get the ball out of the
bunker and you shot down a bird's nest from a nearby tree, but apart from that,
you played quite good. And you know I took you to that restaurant as a reward.
Daria: So Jane
dug some holes in the sand and decimated the birds on the course. What's the
big deal about that? You sounded like remembering some very traumatic incident.
Tom: Well, the
club forbade her to play in her normal attire, especially with the boots...
Jane: ...so I
had to put on a light-blue shirt, grey baggy pants and shoes with spikes!
Tom: And a nice
yellow cap to top it off, too. (Jane
kicks his shin) Oww!
Daria: (smiles at the thought) Okay, that's more
like my definition of 'traumatic incident'.
Tom: I promised
Jane never to tell anyone, but since she started it herself...
Jane: I still
think you should pay for it, rich boy.
Tom: But I took
you out to make up for your emotional pain, remember? (looks at the girls) Of course, I could invite you to a pizza to
celebrate the play...
Jane: That's
better. Let's change clothes and leave before O'Neill gets the idea to
celebrate with everyone. (they raise from
the bench as Quinn bustles in)
Quinn: (excitedly) Daria! You must hear this!
O'Neill just declared he wants to stage another play of Shakespeare, 'The
Timing of the Stew'! (the others laugh)
What?
Daria: It's
'The Taming of the Shrew', Quinn. But why're you so happy?
Quinn: O'Neill
said he would know just the right students to play the roles of the cute girl
and the older, brainy sister. Isn't this wonderful? (Tom and Jane look at her, both shocked)
Daria: (looks at the stars) Someone up there
must hate me.
THE END
Author's notes:
Thank you for
reading my first (finished) fanfic. If you are among the few people who
actually read the author's notes, let me clear out some points regarding the
characters and their roles in the play.
1. Prince Trent: I know it
seems far-fetched to have
2. Jane and
Daria: While Daria embodies the role of Beatrice, Jane's character and temper
differs from the innocent little Hero in 'MAAN' (Jane's much stronger and
self-conscious; I think she'd rather beat up Jesse/Claudio than faint at his
accusations). Another problem was
3. Tom:
Since Tom's the only love interest Daria ever had in the series (except Ted,
and he's too much of a minor character to get an important role; I preferred
him as the messenger), he had to play Benedick's role (apart from his
relationship to Daria, he's the only male character whose wit and sarcasm can
rival Daria's own).
4. Jesse:
His affection to Jane is a well-liked fanfic cliché, but there were other
reasons to have him play Claudio: he is
5. Upchuck:
He fits Shakespeare's description of Don John nicely, being smart but morally
bankrupt. His cousins are the only people ever mentioned in the series to talk
nicely about him (the alternative for his servants would've been some of the
dumber football players like the 'Ringer' from #403)
6. Tiffany:
Shakespeare's Margaretha makes out with Borachio/Brad because she likes him; no
woman in the series ever had a similar notion towards Upchuck or his cousins
with the exception of Andrea at the end of IICY (and I didn't want the hate of
all you Andrea-fans out there), so I went with Tiffany as an image of stupidity
to use her for a good laugh or two. Sorry for that.
7. The
teachers: O'Neill had to be the director behind the play since he
staged 'The Canterbury Tales' in the show; he was also the most fitting choice
for the friar. DeMartino's case was different; there are few male characters
with some background information in the show, so I chose DeMartino as Leonato
(as a counterpart to the students playing younger characters). To have Kevin as
stupid guard captain working for DeMartino was an additional bonus.
8. Kevin
and the J's: As soon as I decided to turn 'Much Ado about nothing' into
a Daria fanfic, Kevin was the obvious choice for Dogberry, the lame-brain
constable. Having the three J's as his subordinates (who aren't the brightest
either) was the logical consequence, since (like Daria said) there was a
shortage of male characters.
The end lines
about "The Taming of the Shrew" weren't just to get one more joke on
Quinn's expense: I plan to write another Daria/Shakespeare crossover using that
play, but since I'm not so familiar with it yet, it might have to wait a bit.
If you liked my fanfic or not (and want to tell me that), please mail me at BlackWolfhound@freenet.de