“Matt” by Matt (there’s a shocker) Quick summary...or spoiler, whatever. NOTE: This story takes place a few days after “Dye! Dye! My Darling!” Daria and Jane find something else to watch besides Sick, Sad, World when they discover a new show about a cynical, sarcastic, and anti-social college guy. Can a mere television show provide the way to mend their friendship? At the very least it should pass some time... “You’re standing on my neck” by Splendora plays as we see the Daria intro” Daria in: “Matt” ACT I: (Cut to a shot of the Morgendorffer living room, we see Quinn looking at the television in eager anticipation. She uses the remote to raise the volume as we hear the TV.) ANNOUNCER: Well, sorry Backyard Boys’ fans. Our in-depth look at your favorite boy-band will not be seen tonight... (Quinn looks shocked) ANNOUNCER: Well apparently the “brains” here at BBTV network have decided that showing the same documentary for the fifth time this week in favor of an animated cynic is NOT a good thing. We’ve received a lot of complaints because our smartass cartoon has pre-empted every day for the last two weeks, so tonight from 7-10 PM we’ll be bringing you the first six episodes of our new sarcastic misfit “Matt”. (Quinn looks horrified) (Cut to a shot of Daria’s room. She is lying on her bed staring at the ceiling.) QUINN: (VO, screaming) AHHHHHH!!!!!! (Daria sits up in her bed, sighs and leaves the room) (Cut back to the living room. Daria enters and sees a mortified Quinn) DARIA: What is it this time, Quinn? Did you see a monster under the couch again? QUINN: Worse! My Backyard Boys special got canceled for some stupid cartoon! DARIA: You mean they made a new behind the scenes special since the one you watched last night? QUINN: Of course not, Daria! Geez, you think they can just make a behind the scenes look at such a deep, insightful, and brilliant band like the Backyard Boys? DARIA: (deadpan) Silly me, they’ll need at least a month to recover from that endurance trial of lip-synching, autograph signing, and prearranged choreography... QUINN: (angry) Hey! They do NOT lip-synch...what are you doing here anyway? Don’t you usually hang out with that weird art friend of yours on the weekends? (Daria hangs her head, and sulks back to her room) QUINN: What’s her problem? (Cut back to Daria’s room. She’s back to lying on her bed, Quinn enters) DARIA: Go away, Quinn... QUINN: Daria, phone...(surprised) it’s a guy! Are you helping him with his homework, or something? DARIA: (surprised) Um, no...(into the phone) Hello? (split-screen shot reveals Trent) TRENT: Hey, Daria. DARIA: Hey, Trent. TRENT: Um, I know this is none of my business, but what did you and Janey talk about when I drove her over there the other day? DARIA: You’re right, Trent...(pointedly) is ISN’T any of your business. TRENT: I only ask because I’m worried about Jane. She hasn’t left her room since we came back from your house. DARIA: Really, she’s been in her room for three days? How does she go to the bathroom? TRENT: (chuckles a bit) Seriously, Daria. I’m worried about her. Did you guys fight, or something? DARIA: Not really. What has Jane told you? TRENT: Nothing, she hasn’t said a word. When we got back to the house, she took the cookie jar up to her room, and I haven’t seen her come out. Whenever I knock, she tells me to go away... DARIA: Well...she, um... TRENT: Yeah? DARIA: She told me about her and Tom breaking up. TRENT: Yeah, that’s rough. DARIA: Did she also tell you that I kissed him? TRENT: (perks up, looking incredulous) Uh...no DARIA: Well...I, uh...did. TRENT: So, uh...you gonna go out with Tom now? DARIA: I don’t know, Trent. I want to, but I don’t want to lose Jane over it... TRENT: Yeah...any idea how I can get her out of her room? DARIA: Order some pizza and put it outside her room...works every time. TRENT: (laughs and coughs) Good one, Daria. See ya later? DARIA: (smiles) Yeah, see ya. (Daria and Trent hang up. Screen remains on Daria. Now we see Quinn standing next to her with a stunned look on her face) QUINN: YOU kissed Jane’s boyfriend?! DARIA: (stunned. Didn’t know Quinn was there) Gah! Why the hell are you still here?! QUINN: I WAS waiting for the phone. Geez, Daria not even I’d do something THAT reckless...well, yeah, I would. But only if I REALLY hated Sandi...(smirks) That reminds me. (takes the phone from Daria and dials a number.) Hello, Brett? Yeah, what are...(walks out of the room) (Cut to a shot of the Lane house. Trent sits alone on the couch, eating a slice of pizza. Jane enters and sits next to him.) TRENT: Hey. JANE: Hey. TRENT: Slice? (offers Jane a slice) JANE: Thanks. (takes the slice.) Ran out of cookies this morning. (Trent flicks on the TV On it we see two animated guys, looking into the camera.) GUY 1: (imitating Mr. T’s voice) LISTEN UP, FOOLS! WE’RE TAKING OVER! GUY 2: (deadpan) How many times do I have to tell you, Blair? You’re white... BLAIR: (in his normal voice) Shut up, Matt! MATT: Can we just get on with this stupid promo? (looks at his watch) I’m missing my cartoons... TRENT: (pointing at the TV) These guys are funny. JANE: What show is this? TRENT: “Matt” I came across it the other day when I came back from practice one morning... JANE: Hmm, cartoon series that airs on weekdays in the morning? Who’d see it? Go figure. (shot of the TV is seen) BLAIR: You’d think a guy who was given his own show would be a bit more enthusiastic about hosting a marathon... MATT: I would, if anyone was watching it...we’re on BBTV, remember? JANE: (smirking) You watch Boy Band TV, Trent? TRENT: I was flipping channels.... BLAIR: Why don’t we start with MY favorite episode?! MATT: Because it’s my show. I say we start with “Beachcombers” BLAIR: All right. Why that one? MATT: (deadpan) Because I verbally rip your girlfriend to shreds... BLAIR: (in Mr. T voice again) BETTER WATCH WHAT YOU SAY ABOUT MY WOMAN, CLOWN!!!! MATT: (To the camera) Don’t mind him, folks. He’s Jewish... (Cut back to the couch. Trent is laughing. Jane smiles a little) TRENT: These guys remind me of you and Daria. JANE: (stops smiling) Yeah... TRENT: Well, you know, except for one small difference. (chuckles) JANE (smirks) I’m sure THEY don’t think it’s small. TRENT: (looks relieved that his sister made a joke) Sick, Jane... (Cut to a couple hours later. Trent and Jane are smiling, laughing, and chuckling at the TV.) JANE: Daria would really get a kick out of this show... TRENT: Yeah, it’s a cool show. JANE: What the hell is it doing on BBTV? (Trent shrugs) JANE: Wonder if Daria has seen it yet... TRENT: Why don’t you call her and ask? (Again, Jane looks sad.) JANE: I don’t think so, Trent... (Trent shrugs again) (Cut to a shot of Daria’s room. She’s still lying on her bed. She flicks on the TV. We hear the Sic, Sad, World music) ANNOUNCER: When aliens eat out, where do the relieve themselves? DARIA: It’s a re-run. (thinks a moment.) QUINN: (memory VO) Worse! My Backyard Boys special got canceled for some stupid cartoon! DARIA: Might as well... (Daria changes the channel. We see a guy in glasses typing away at a computer. A young woman with curly black hair approaches him.) DARIA: Wow, a boy band of one. Efficient. GIRL: (In a heavy German accent) Oh, Matt. What are you still doing in the office? I asked you to do that interview... MATT: (deadpan) And I said ‘no’, Annett. I told you the day I agreed to write for this rag-tag newspaper, that I write my opinion piece and that’s it... ANNETT: (getting angry) There’s so much to do around here! All you write is that stupid column! You think you’re so much better than everyone else here! MATT: I don’t think I’m better than you, just smarter... ANNETT: You know, I don’t even know why I let you write for this paper... MATT: Because my column is what’s keeping your chances alive of winning the state college newspaper competition... ANNETT: (huffs) Well, what are you going to write about in your column next edition? MATT: (deadpan) How about a piece on condescending authority figures? ANNETT: (missing the sarcasm) That sounds good, but I want you to do more around here. MATT: And I want a new car, but you don’t see me complaining... (Annett leaves in a huff) (Cut back to Daria...she smirks) DARIA: What’s this show doing on BBTV? (Cut back to the screen. we see Blair concentrating on a sketch pad) BLAIR: You know, Matt. This sketch of you would be a lot easier if you would just smile. Why don’t you try to draw a scowl? MATT: This wasn’t even my idea. You know my policy on smiling... BLAIR: (deadpan) Yeah, as in not at all unless having sex... MATT: (suspicious) Something bothering you? BLAIR: Yeah, you keep talking. I’m trying to draw here...Why? Something bothering you? MATT: Not really. It’s just that we haven’t hung out much since you and Annett got together... (Daria perks up) BLAIR: And what’s wrong with me and Annett going out? MATT: (deadpan) Nothing. Most Jews I know usually go out with Germans... BLAIR: (in Mr. T voice) I told you stop with the Jew jokes, fool! MATT: Gimme a break, you make more Jewish jokes than Mel Brooks... BLAIR: Yeah, well, I’m Jewish, I’m allowed...how would you like it if I made a bunch of Catholic jokes? MATT: I don’t care, I’m only catholic by genetics... (Matt and Blair chuckle. Shot returns to Daria’s face.) DARIA: Too bad Jane and I can’t fix things that easily... (Cut to Lawndale High. It is the next day. Daria is at her locker. Jodie approaches.) JODIE: Hey, Daria. DARIA: I’m saying no in advance... JODIE: Relax, Daria I’m not going to ask you to sign up for anything... DARIA: Then I’m saying ‘no, I don’t want to talk about it’. JODIE: Listen Daria, you need to talk to someone. I don’t know what happened between you and Jane, but I hope you get over it and move on. In the “friends” department you could do a lot worse than Jane... DARIA: (glaring) Oh, really? (Brittany enters) BRITTANY: Hi! JODIE: (To Daria) Yes, really. DARIA: Touché`... JODIE: So, anyone watch BBTV last night? BRITTANY Oh, no! There was this cartoon on about this really depressing guy who didn’t even smile. Hmm...he reminds me of someone...(Jodie and Daria look at each other) I mean, he would like say these things that made everyone else look like they didn’t know what he was talking about. DARIA: It’s called a “sarcastic cutdown” Confusion is usually the result when it’s applied to stupid people... BRITTANY: (twirls her hair with her finger) I don’t get it... DARIA: Thanks for proving my point, Brittany... JODIE: Anyway, Daria, won’t you at least talk to Jane? DARIA: Maybe. I don’t think she wants to talk, though... (Daria walks off) BRITTANY: Sarcastic cut-up? (Jodie puts her hand to her head.) (Cut to a shot of the lawn. Jane sits alone. After a few seconds, Daria enters) DARIA: Hey. JANE: Hey. (They sit in silence for awhile...a long while.) JANE: So, you, uh...see that show “Matt”? DARIA: Yeah. Not bad. Fairly realistic. Him and Blair had a pretty big fight in that one episode... JANE: Yeah...That German chick got between them... DARIA: Wonder if they’ll let that third party STAY between them... JANE: Yeah. Wonder if their friendship is strong enough to put what happened behind them. DARIA: Wonder if they can be friends after what happened... (Jane and Daria look at each other) JANE: We’re not talking about Matt and Blair anymore, are we? DARIA: I dunno... JANE: And what’s with that Blair guy? Why does he think he’s Mr. T? (Jane and Daria smile) DARIA: Um...there’s a new episode on tonight...wanna come over and watch? JANE: Yeah...I should get out of the house...Trent’s “I’m your big brother and I’m here for you” act is starting to wear thin... (They smile again) END ACT I COMMERCIALS: JOHNNY GOMEZ: On the next....CELEBRITY DEATHMATCH! It’s MTV’s special edition! NICK DIAMOND: That’s right, Johnny! The stars of MTV’s Hit series’ “Beavis and Butt-head” and “Daria” will square off in a battle to the bloody end! JOHNNY: In our first fight Coach Buzzcut and Anthony DeMartino battle it out for the title of “Most crazed high school teacher” NICK: Up next Principal McVicar and Principal Li square off for the title of “Most psychotic Administrator” JOHNNY: And in our main event, The “Dumb-ass boys of Highland” take on The “Smart-ass girls of Lawndale” as Beavis and Butt-head take on Daria Morgendorffer and Jane Lane! NICK: It’s MTV’s battle of its biggest stars...don’t miss it! ANNOUNCER: On the next “Matt”. Matt shows us just how hard falling in love is... (Cut to a shot of Matt and Nadine sitting alone, they are holding each other) MATT: (Thought VO) Should I kiss her? Well, why the hell not? NADINE: (thought VO) He’s going to kiss me...I know it. (They reach for each other. Just then Blair busts in on them) BLAIR: (In Mr. T voice) HEY, CLOWNS! WHAT ARE YOU UP TO?! ANNOUNCER:...especially with a deranged Mr. T wannabe around...Catch an all new episode, next week... END COMMERCIALS ACT II: (Cut to a shot of the Morgendorffer house. Quinn and the Fashion Club are seated, watching TV) STACY: I think Johnny is the cutest Backyard Boy! SANDI: Oh, please...he is so retro. TIFFANY: Yeah....retrooooooo (Daria and Jane enter) ANNOUNCER: All right, stay tuned for our favorite animated cynic Matt. SANDI: Say, Quinn. Are you sure this guy “Matt” isn’t your cousin in drag? TIFFANY: Draaaaag? QUINN: Don’t be silly, Sandi. For that to happen, my cousin would have to be a cartoon, too right? DARIA and JANE: (pondering the possibility) Hmm.....nah. DARIA: Let’s head upstairs. I’m afraid I might catch something.... JANE: Like fashion sense, or some color coordination? DARIA: Exactly... (Cut to Daria’s room. Jane and Daria enter. Daria turns on the TV. Cut to a shot of the screen it displays Matt in: Pier Pressure) ANNETT: All right, does anyone want to say anything before we start our staff meeting? (Matt lets loose a loud belch. Blair laughs hysterically. Annett glares at Matt) MATT: What? You always say I should express myself more... ANNETT: Ugh! Anyway, I need a review of that new restaurant on the pier to go in this issue, and I want a thorough review, so I’m sending a group of you down there today... MATT: (to Blair) This sounds like another one of her ploys to get me to write something besides my column. Does your girlfriend really hate me that much? BLAIR: Well...yeah. But just because she completely hates you, doesn’t mean you can’t be friends with her... MATT: Of course not. If that weren’t true, we wouldn’t be friends... BLAIR: Exactly. (Daria and Jane chuckle.) ANNETT: (noticing Matt talking) Matt, is there something you want to share with the rest of us? MATT: No, I’ve shared enough today, I think. (smirks) Unless you want me to burp again... ANNETT: You know Matt, no one likes your smart-ass comments, why don’t you shut up for once? MATT: Excuse me? Didn’t you just ask me to share? (Jane looks at Daria.) DARIA: That jerk stole my line! JANE: Guess you should have copyrighted it... (Cut back to the screen.) ANNETT: If I may continue...I’m sending Blair, Matt, Sumera, and Nadine (Matt perks up at the sound of Nadine’s name) out to review the restaurant. Any questions? MATT: Since this is a project of the paper, will the paper pay for our food? ANNETT: Any REAL questions? JANE: You know, I think Matt’s got a thing for that Nadine chick... DARIA: What makes you say that? Most cynics smile and be nice to most people when they enter the room and totally lose their ability to make sarcastic remarks when the object of their affection comes around... JANE: Well why couldn’t it work between them? Just because he’s five years older than she is doesn’t mean anything... DARIA: Nor does the fact that they have almost nothing in common... JANE: (smirking) Yeah, they remind me of you and Trent... DARIA: (arches an eyebrow) Huh? JANE: (remembering) Oh, yeah...guess those days are gone. (Cut back to the screen. Matt, Blair, Sumera, and Nadine are standing in line at the restaurant, waiting for a table.) BLAIR: (in MR. T voice) ONE TIME, A JEW, A WHITE GUY, AN ITALIAN, AND AN ARAB WENT OUT FOR LUNCH AT THE PIER...IT WASN’T PRETTY!!!! (The crowd stares coldly at the group) MATT: Blair, I’d like to live long enough to actually GET to lunch if you don’t mind... SUMERA: This looks like a good place to have lunch. MATT: Yeah, if you don’t mind waiting in line until dinner time... BLAIR: (shouting at the head of the line) HEY! I’m Jewish, I demand to be at the front of the line! NADINE: Blair! Stop it! BLAIR: Hey, it was worth a shot... NADINE: Matt, why do you always have to say things that upset Annett? It’s not very nice...and it makes the meetings harder on all of us. MATT: (thought VO) Houston, we have a problem... (out loud) I dunno, because she’s an evil, dominating control-freak? NADINE: You could make an effort to be nicer, though... (They stand in silence for awhile.) DARIA: No snappy comeback? What a waste of a writing staff... JANE: Are you suggesting you could do better? (Nadine’s cell phone rings, she answers) NADINE: (into the phone) Hi, Mom....We’re at the pier...Well, I can’t really...(getting angry) Can’t you do it?...Fine, I’m on my way...(hangs up the phone) Well, I gotta go, guys. MATT: Why? NADINE: My Mom forgot to mail this package this morning, so now I have to do it... BLAIR: You really gotta go? MATT: Yeah, you could stay awhile. Post office is open for a couple more hours... NADINE: No, It’s best if I go now... MATT: (sounding disappointed) Are you sure? BLAIR: Yeah, forget your mom, Nadine. (smirking) Matt really wants you to stay...(Matt elbows him)...oof. DARIA: (VO) This looks TOO familiar... JANE: (VO) I wonder if Nadine’s as oblivious as Trent... NADINE: (missing the barb) Uh-huh. I’ll see you guys later... JANE: (VO) Yep... (Nadine walks off. Matt watches her the whole time...and spaces out while he does) BLAIR: Uh, Matt...we’re next in line...(Matt doesn’t respond) Matt?....(in Mr. T. voice) MATT, WAKE UP, FOOL!!!! MATT: (startled) Uh! Oh, OK...(starts to walk inside.) BLAIR: (teasing in Mr. T voice again) ONE TIME, MATT WANTED TO EAT SOME ITALIAN...IT WAS PRETTY! MATT: You’re one sick Jew, Blair... SUMERA: (missing the joke) I thought this was a seafood place... BLAIR: (putting an arm around Sumera) Come on Sumera, it’s time we told you about the birds and the bees... (Show goes to a commercial) DARIA: Eww...they let them say that on this show? JANE: Why not? Have you ever seen ‘Unclothed’ or ‘Road Trip Rules’? They say a lot worse on those shows... (Phone rings. Daria answers) DARIA: Hello. (split-screen shows Tom) TOM: Hey, Daria. (Daria looks spooked.) DARIA: Uh, hey. TOM: Listen, I thought we could go out for some pizza and maybe talk about some things... DARIA: Uh, I don’t think that’s a good idea, Tom...I’m (Camera shows Jane glaring at her) I’m busy. TOM: Oh...well, another time, then. DARIA: Yeah.... (Daria hangs up, then turns to face Jane.) JANE: He asked you out, didn’t he? DARIA: Who? JANE: Daria, quit playing dumb. That was Tom...and he asked you out, didn’t he? DARIA: Just for pizza, and I turned him down... JANE: Why? (Camera zooms in on Jane’s face as she speaks) Because you feel sorry for poor Janey, who’s just been dumped? Because you feel guilty for going behind my back and making out with him while we we’re still together? Well, I don’t need you to feel sorry for me or sacrifice your love life. (Jane heads towards the door) If I wanted someone to hang out with because they feel sorry for me, I’ll go back home and hang out with Trent! (Jane walks out and slams the door) (Daria slumps down on the bed. The commercials are over, Daria has missed the start of the conversation on the show) SUMERA: What is she supposed to do, Matt? DARIA: Yeah, Matt...what is she supposed to do? MATT: Why do you people always ask ME? (Cut to a shot of the Pizza King Daria and Tom are sitting, talking over a pizza.) DARIA: And then she slammed the door and stormed out of the house... TOM: (shocked) Wow...I thought Jane had blown up before...I’m really sorry, Daria... DARIA: Why? TOM: It’s like you told me in the car. Things were great between you two...then I came along... DARIA: Don’t be ridiculous, this isn’t your fault. It’s like you told me in the car that night...It’s no one’s fault. (Mystik Spiral enters the Pizza King. Trent walks by Tom and Daria’s table.) TRENT: Hey, Daria... DARIA: Hey. TOM: Hey, Trent. (Trent just glares at Tom...) TOM: Look, Trent, I know what you must think about me, but I never meant to... TRENT: (deadpan) Do you hear something, Daria? (Tom sulks in his seat.) DARIA: So, what brings you here? TRENT: Just came for few pies before our gig at the Zen tonight. We’ll be playing at about 10:00. You can come if you want... DARIA: Oh, OK, Thanks, Trent... (Jesse enters holding a few pizza boxes, along with Max and Nick.) NICK: (pointing at Tom) You are SO lucky! MAX: Yeah! If you broke MY little sister’s heart, I’d beat the living crap out of you! JESSE: (oblivious) You don’t have a sister, Max... MAX: Dude...shut up. TOM: (Standing up) They’re right, Trent. (he turns his cheek) Go ahead...I deserve whatever you do to me... (Trent balls up his fists and is shaking with anger. Daria looks on with complete astonishment. After a moment, Trent stops, turns his back and heads for the door) TRENT: Come on, guys...(in an icy tone) He’s not worth it... (Trent and the band leave. Tom sits back down and breathes a heavy sigh of relief) DARIA: Whew! That’s a relief... TOM: You’re telling me! I thought he was gonna pound me into pizza topping for sure! DARIA: Listen, Tom...I, uh...maybe we, um. TOM: Wow, Daria at a loss for words...and me without a camera... (they both chuckle) DARIA: This is really intense...I don’t know how to handle it...I think... TOM: That we shouldn’t see each other for awhile? DARIA: Well...it’s nothing against you. TOM: I know. But you and Jane have some things to work out, and Trent is making my life flash before my eyes, so maybe we should let things calm down for awhile. DARIA: Yeah. I think I’ll go see the Spiral play. TOM: I’ll head home, then. One near-death experience a night is enough for me... DARIA: Come on. Trent wouldn’t really hurt you. He was just mad. TOM: I know...now. But I think he might fly into a rage if he saw me at the Zen after a few drinks. Besides, I can catch that new show ‘Matt’. I hear it’s pretty funny. (Tom leaves. Daria sits alone...looking thoughtful.) (Cut to a shot of the Zen. Trent and the band are running through their set. Daria enters.) DARIA: (thought VO) You know, this whole ‘anger’ thing might work out for Trent...I’ve never seen him play this good. (The crowd is mosh pitting, screaming and headbanging. There is considerable improvement in Trent’s playing. We see Trent constantly scowling, and practically screaming the lyrics rather than singing them.) (Daria sits at one of the tables. Jane enters and sits next to her.) JANE: Hey. DARIA: Hey. (Looks up at Trent) I’m starting to wonder what I saw in Trent... (Trent looks up from his playing and sees Daria and Jane sitting at a table. He smiles at them. We see Daria blush) DARIA: Now I remember... JANE: (smirking) Could there be hope for you two yet? DARIA: No. I need more than a cute smile to base a relationship on...um, I don’t know how to tell you this, but Trent almost... JANE: I know. Tom told me. DARIA: You talked to Tom? JANE: Yeah, he told me all about what happened at the pizza place when he called me to apologize for the twentieth time this week...(smirks again) Why? Jealous? DARIA: (imitating Jane’s voice) Yeah! You’re trying to steal him away from me, aren’t you? (Daria and Jane laugh) JANE: Still, what Trent did was kind of sweet. (Daria arches an eyebrow) You know, in a Conan the Barbarian kind of way... DARIA: I told Tom that we shouldn’t see each other for awhile... JANE: Daria, if you did that because I got mad at you... DARIA: No, I didn’t. I did it because I don’t know what Tom and I are going to be. We could end up hating each other all over again, we could end up getting bored with each other, like you and him did, or we could live happy ever after... JANE: (arches an eyebrow) You? Happy ever after? DARIA: (glaring) Getting back to the ‘point’...I don’t want to throw away our years of friendship over a possible relationship with some guy that might not work out... (Jane smiles) JANE: Bad movie night at my place tomorrow? DARIA: Nah. JANE: Why not? DARIA: New episode of “Matt” is on tomorrow... JANE: You’re really getting into that show, aren’t you? DARIA: It beats “Behind the scenes with the Backyard Boys”... (Up on stage Trent leans into the microphone) TRENT: We thought we might do a little something different tonight...1, 2, 3, 4! (Mystic Spiral goes into a cover of “Why can’t we be friends”. Daria and Jane smile) (Cut to a shot of the Lane house. We see Jane painting. Her TV is on and a still shot of one of the episodes of “Matt” is frozen on the screen. On the other side of the canvas, we see a picture of Daria.. Jane is painting both of them with their arms crossed and looking at each other with expressionless faces. A knock is heard. Daria enters) DARIA: What’s that? JANE: Hmm...lemme think...um, I know this one...it’s...a painting! Yeah, that’s it! DARIA: Ha. JANE: Just painting a picture of you and Matt here...I swear, if that guy wasn’t in his twenties, I’d say you were twins separated at birth... DARIA: Maybe Quinn was telling the truth all along and I really AM adopted... JANE: (sings the Twighlight Zone tune) do-do-do-dooo-do-do-do-dooo DUH-DUH-DUNN! (Cut to later. Jane and Daria are watching TV. We see a shot of Matt and Nadine reaching for each other. Daria and Jane look away in disgust as they kiss.) DARIA: You know, this show used to be so cool. Now it’s all dramatic. JANE: I know. It’s like they turned it into a bad season of “Melrose Place” DARIA: Maybe the writers think they need to appeal to people like Quinn to boost the ratings... (Cut to a shot of the Morgendorffer house. We see the Fashion Club watching the same scene) STACY: Aww...that’s so sweet that he decided to come out of his shell... SANDI: I guess, but what does she see in him? He doesn’t even have a car... TIFFANY: Yeah...no wonder he has trouble getting a date... STACY: This is so exciting! I have to watch next week! QUINN: Calm down, Stacy...It’s not like it’s Melrose, or anything... SANDI: Really. People on THIS show are so unattractive. I don’t know HOW you can watch this show, Stacy... STACY: (thought VO) Ooh! Because the people on this show are more real then all of you put together! Yeah...Matt would say something like that...I wish I had the nerve to say things like that out loud... (Stacy sighs) END ACT II COMMERCIALS: ANNOUNCER: It’s the episode Matt has been dreading most...He meets Nadine’s family. (Cut to a shot of Matt’s stunned expression as he is faced with fifty Italians.) MATT: (thought VO) Please God...a grenade, a helicopter, and a head start...that’s all I ask... ANNOUNCER: see how Matt’s cynicism holds up when he’s outnumbered 50-1...on the next “Matt”... ACT III (Cut to a shot of Daria’s room. She’s looking something up on her computer. after awhile she just shakes her head) (Cut to a shot of a hallway at Lawndale High. Daria and Jane are walking by) DARIA: So I found this website that had a “Matt” message board. JANE: Anything of interest? DARIA: Well, there were about a thousand posts debating on whether or not Matt getting into a serious relationship was ruining the show or helping it... JANE: Whoa...I’d say there are a lot of people out there taking a little “character development” WAY too seriously... DARIA: Really, don’t they know it’s just a silly cartoon? (Daria and Jane stop in their tracks. They are both speechless for a moment) DARIA and JANE: Nah... JANE: So, Matt and Nadine...happy ever after, or crash and burn after a few weeks? DARIA: I dunno. I guess after the movie we’ll have a good idea... JANE: They’re making a movie? DARIA: Yeah. “Is it Fall Semester yet?” (deadpan) Can’t wait... JANE: Well, there’s one more new episode to tide you over till then. Matt’s graduating from junior college... DARIA: That’s one thing I never understood. If he’s so damn smart, why didn’t he end up going to a big universtiy? JANE: Because he’s as poor as he is smart. Junior College is all he can afford. DARIA: I guess. Did you see the car he used to drive, that thing’s rustier than Tom’s... (Daria clasps her hand over her mouth. Jane glares at her) DARIA: I’m...sorry. Got any salt? JANE: No, why? DARIA: It might make my foot taste better... (Jane smirks) (Cut to a shot of the fashion club) SANDI: All right, the weekly meeting of the Fashion Club is tomorrow night. Stacy, who’s turn is it in the rotation to host? STACY: (looking for her notebook) Let’s see, it’s...um...(thought VO) Who cares, we talk about all the same things over and over, who cares whose house we do it in? SANDI: (pointedly) Well?! (Stacy is still searching for her notebook.) STACY: (thought VO) Oh my gosh! What do I do?! Hmm...what would Matt do? Hmm...he’d tell Sandi to go to hell, then go for pizza...Eep! I can’t do that. OK, Here goes. Eenie Meenie, Minee...(looks at Quinn) Moe! (Stacy withdraws a blank piece of paper) STACY: It’s Quinn’s turn! SANDI: All right. Everyone be at Quinn’s house tomorrow at 8’o clock. Oh, and Stacy, try not to get so emotional about shoes this time... STACY: (gritting her teeth) Sure...no problem. (Cut to a shot of the Morgendorffer house. Jane and Daria are in Daria’s room.) DARIA: I say he says “To hell with tradiotion” and skips the commencement... JANE: Really? I say he tears down his emotional walls, goes to the ceremony and gives a big teary-eyed speech... DARIA: I will never watch this show again if that’s the case... JANE: Besides, if all he ever did was make a buch of sarcastic jokes and never really DID anything, what kind of show would this be? DARIA: I guess. That would be like me having my own show... (Daria and Jane get blank again) JANE: Do you think....? DARIA: No. (Cut to a shot of the TV Matt and Blair as well as the rest of the staff of the newspaper are with them in their regular Denny’s) BLAIR: So, what time are you leaving tomorrow? MATT: For what? BLAIR: (in Mr. T voice) FOR THE GRADUATION, CLOWN! MATT: Who said I was going? NADINE: You’re not going? MATT: What’s the point? ANNETT: Because you worked so hard for your diploma. Don’t you want to be there for the commencement? (Matt yawns) MATT: Sure, I wanna sweat my butt off in an over-sized robe, listen to a dean I’ve never met go through a long speech about how WE’RE the future, and get my picture take holding a piece of paper...no thanks. JANE: (VO) Think we could get away with that? DARIA: (VO) No. He’s in college. We’re in high school. Our parents will make us go... BLAIR: Well, it could be the last chance we all get to hang out... MATT: (looking at Annett) I’m counting on it. ANNETT: Matt, you’re such a jerk! (Annett leaves angrily) BLAIR: You know, when you piss her off, I’M the one who suffers for it... MATT: (deadpan) But you’re Jewish. You were born to suffer... BLAIR: (in Mr. T. voice) SHUT UP, GENTILE CLOWN!!!! JANE: (VO) I don’t think Matt likes her... DARIA: Brilliant, Holmes... (Cut to a shot of the Lane house. Tom rings the doorbell. Trent answers) TRENT: Oh (glaring) it’s you... TOM: Hey, Trent. TRENT: Janey’s not here. She’s at Daria’s. TOM: Actually, Trent. I wanted to talk to you. TRENT: So, talk. (Trent and Tom sit down on the couch. Trent flicks on the TV. “Matt” plays) TOM: Cool, I didn’t miss it. TRENT: Uh-huh. TOM: Did you see the one where Matt and.... TRENT: I’m TRYING to hear this! MATT: (thought VO) Let’s see, I could sleep in, watch TV, play video games, go to a movie...or put on this oversized black robe and sit in a gymnasium with people I don’t even know or ever see again to get a piece of paper I could easily have mailed...forget it, I’m not going... (Tom laughs) TRENT: What’s so funny? TOM: Oh, just thought of how he remindsme of Daria... TRENT: Hmm... (Matt casually throws his graduation robe on the floor and heads to the living room where he overhears his father, Jim, on the phone) JIM: Yeah, we’re going to the ceremony this afternoon...no...no, I can’t make it!(getting angry) Because I want to be there! (getting solomn) Look, he’s the first man from this family to even GO to college, let alone graduate! So I’m going down there! I’m sure you can do without me for the day! (Matt gets a look of pure guilt on his face and returns to his room, he regards the robe) MATT: Oh well. At least it’s my color... (The show goes to a commercial. Tom turns to Trent.) TOM: Listen, Trent. I never meant to hurt Jane... TRENT: Sure. That’s why you went after her best friend, before you two even broke up... TOM: I didn’t plan that, Trent! It just happened. TRENT: Yeah...stuff happens. No one’s fault, right... TOM: I know it doesn’t excuse what I did...and I don’t blame you for hating me. I know how close you guys are. TRENT: Exactly...you weren’t the one who had to see Janey cry... TOM: (shocked) She cried? TRENT: Yeah...I wanted to kill you when I saw her like that... TOM: (gulps) Uh, yeah...I’m glad you decided I wasn’t worth it... TRENT: Yeah...It’s none of my business if you want to go out with Daria now... (Tom perks up) TRENT: But you do to Daria, what you did to Jane...(Trent makes a fist)...and you WILL be worth it... (Tom gulps again) TRENT: That is...if Daria doesn’t cut you to shreds first. (laughs and has a coughing fit) TOM: Yeah, she is pretty ruthless...hey! Commercials are over. TRENT: Turn it up... (Tom picks up the remote and turns up the volume Trent picks up a slice of pizza) TRENT: Slice? (offers it to Tom) TOM: Thanks. BLAIR: (in Mr. T voice) HEY, FOOL! TOM: Hmm. A Jew who thinks he’s Mr.T...interesting. TRENT: Yeah...what’s up with that? (Trent and Tom smirk) (Cut to the Morgendorffer living room. The Fashion Club are all on the couch watching Fashion Vision) STACY: Ooh, it’s a commercial. I’ll just change it to Boy Band TV. SANDI: Um, Stacy...don’t you think we should watch the commercials for new and improved skin-enhancing products? STACY: Um...sure, OK. QUINN: Besides, that downer show “Matt” is on now, anyway... STACY: Oh...yeah. (Thought VO) Hmm...wonder is Quinn’s cousin is watching it. (out loud) I’ll be right back. (Stacy leaves) TIFFANY: Where’s she going? SANDI: Oh, probably to the bathroom to cry about her new shoes... (Cut to Daria’s room. There is a knock at the door. Daria answers.) DARIA: (seeing Stacy) Oh, bathroom is two doors down... STACY: Wait! (looking at the TV) Are you watching “Matt”? DARIA: Um, yeah. STACY: Could I pleeeease watch with you? DARIA: Um...OK. But one mention of lip gloss, dates, or clothing, and you’re out of here... STACY: (excited) Deal! (Daria and Stacy walk towards the TV) JANE: Ahh! Listen, I’m not sure if I’m over the Ferris wheel fiasco... DARIA: Relax, I cut a deal with her. She’s not allowed to talk about anything popular... JANE: Oh, she’s gonna be a mime, then? (Stacy glares) (Daria, Jane, and Stacy sit down and watch the screen. We see a huge graduating class being addressed by the dean.) DEAN: And now, to celebrate our unity, we will now have a prayer administered by the Deacon... (scattered applause. Cut to a shot of Matt and Blair in their seats) MATT: Yes, Let’s celebrate out diversity with a Christian prayer...(looks at Blair) Are you gonna stand for that? BLAIR: No way! (stands up, yelling) You’re trying to push us Jews into the closet aren’t you?! I demand to see a Rabbi up there!!! (Crowd bursts out laughing) (Blair sits down again amid glares from the Dean) BLAIR: Great, now he’ll probably forefit my credits, and I’ll have to start college all over again... MATT: Are you crazy? If he does that, he’ll have to put up with you for another two years... (Matt and Blair get in line to recieve their diplomas. They look very bored) STACY: (VO) Wow! Matt’s so confident, he just doesn’t care what anyone thinks of him... DARIA: (VO) Yeah, and look at all the friends it has won him... JANE: (VO) Yeah, all three of them... STACY: (VO) At least they’re REAL friends...just not some people who hang out with him and PRETEND to be your friends when you look a certain way, or talk a certain way...I wish I could be more like that... DARIA: (VO) Um, Stacy...this is a cartoon. It’s not real... STACY (VO) Uh, right! I knew that... MATT: Damn, this is boring. they’ve got us all marching up to the stage and back like lambs being led to the slaughter... BLAIR: At least they’re preparing us for the real world... MATT: I think I’ll liven up the forced march a bit... BLAIR: How? MATT: Watch. (When Matt reaches the stage, his name is read. As it is he leaps across the stage like a ballet dancer, does a few pirouettes and stops right in front of the dean. Matt then puts one arm around the dean, takes his diploma with the other and smiles widely. His picture is taken, and he dances off stage where he finds Blair laughing hysterically...as well as the crowd.) MATT: Now we get to see if our illustrious dean has a sense of humor... (Matt looks into the crowd and finds his father. He is walking out of the building, camera in hand...wearing a very large smile.) MATT: OK, now let’s get out of here, I’m burning up in this robe. BLAIR: I heard that! MATT: Of course you did. You’re standing next to me. BLAIR: (in Mr. T. voice) SHUT UP, SMARTASS!!! DEAN: All right we have a few more things before you’re dismissed. The most important being: Please do not throw your caps! We are not responsible for... (Cut to a shot of the door. Matt and Blair toss their caps as they walk out. Credits roll) (Cut back to Daria’s room) DARIA: Too bad they can’t do that in real life... JANE: Yeah, it would be pretty fun. STACY: Yeah, but what’ll happen next? I mean Matt’s going to a big university. What’ll happen with him and Nadine? Or him and Blair? DARIA: No point in brooding over it. Just have to wait for next season... JANE: Or you could try your hand at Internet fan-fiction... STACY: Hmm... DARIA: Now you’ve done it. You’ve opened Pandora’s Box... JANE: I’ve created a monster! (Sandi, Tiffany, and Quinn enter) SANDI: THERE you are! What are you doing in Quinn’s cousin’s room? STACY: I...uh...(looks nervous) JANE: Gee, wonder what Matt would do here? DARIA: He’d say he was watching TV, then tell the fashion fiends to get the hell out of his room...not a bad idea. (Daria approches the Fasion Club.) She was...(Stacy looks at daria pleadingly) trying to convince us to let you make us over. SANDI: Huh? JANE: Yeah, I guess someone of her superior looks took pity on us lower life forms and offered to give us a hand... STACY: Yeah, that’s it! heh heh... DARIA: However, we know we could never be as attractive as you, so we declined her offer... SANDI: Well, that’s too too bad. Stacy, it was very nice of you to offer our charity to the less fortunate, but in the future, do so when we’re NOT in a meeting. STACY: Sure, Sandi...(The rest of the Fashion Club leaves. Stacy turns to face Daria and Jane) Thanks. DARIA: (deadpan) I’m sure Matt would have done the same thing... (Stacy looks guilty and leaves) JANE: Hmm,why didn’t you let her speak for herself? She MIGHT have told Sandi to go to hell... DARIA: Maybe, but it’s too soon for her. She’s too dependent on “the system”. She’s not ready to be unplugged yet... JANE: OK there, “Morpheus” DARIA: Besides, it’ll be much more fun to watch when she finally snaps and goes off on Sandi on her own time... JANE: Yeah...I’ll have to start carrying my camera around with me...well, I gotta go. DARIA: OK, see ya. (Cut to the Lane house. Jane enters. Trent is waiting for her.) TRENT: Um...someone to see you. (Trent points behind him. Camera reveals Tom) (Trent leaves) TOM: Look, Jane I’m... JANE: Sorry...yeah, I know. I’m starting to you apologize in my sleep... TOM: I know this isn’t what you want to hear right now...but I really hope we can still be friends... JANE: Hmm...I dunno...Maybe after awhile we could. TOM: I hope so. JANE: You’re not just saying that so Trent doesn’t kill you, are you? TOM: Nope. Even if we are still friends, he STILL might kill me... JANE: I can live with that... TOM: So... JANE: So, you have to leave. (Tom looks disapointed) Like I said. Maybe after awhile. (Tom leaves) TRENT: You OK? JANE: (annoyed) Yes, Trent...I’m fine. Quit with the maternal instincts and go to rehersal for once... TRENT: (laughs and coughs) Yeah, I’ll just get my guitar... (Trent leaves) (Cut to a shot of Daria and Jane walking to school) JANE: So things are fairly normal again. Trent’s getting ready for that “battle-of-the-bands” thing next month and he’s stopped trying to nurse me back to emotional health....thank God. DARIA: At least you have a sibling who cares. If I were in your position, Quinn would just tell me to be miserable outside the house so her fashion cronies wouldn’t see me... JANE: You know, I’ve been thinking... DARIA: There’s a change of pace... JANE: About reality being a matter of perspective... DARIA: Huh? JANE: Well, let’s take “Matt” as an example. How do we really know that he’s not a real person...and we’re just some silly cartoon? DARIA: You’ve been sniffing too many paint fumes... JANE: Haven’t you at least considered the possibility? (Daria stops. She thinks. After a moment, she turns to the camera) DARIA: What are YOU looking at? (Credits roll) NOTES: 1) The short scenes I used for episodes of my own show actually happened. You can E-mail me if you actually care what happened afterwards. (I just know I’m gonna get ‘shipper E-mail asking how Nadine and I turned out...laf) 2) I just couldn’t resist the chance to make fun of everyone who has flooded the Daria message boards about their strong feelings over character development in a cartoon. Hey, I did it too. I can laugh at myself. I also HAD to make fun of MTV and all the crap the pre-empt ‘Daria’ for...I’m sure most of you can appreciate that. 3) Trent: I posted what I thought Trent would feel after Dye! Dye! My Darling, and got a lot of feedback on it. I think Trent would be really angry at Tom, but would at least try to be civil for Daria’s sake. She and Tom are going out now...grrr. 4) Tom: OK, so he’s not the Devil come to reign terror on ‘Daria’ I pegged him to be. I think he’s genuinely sorry for hurting Jane, and if it were possible for himself, Jane, and Trent to be friends, he’d do it. 5) Jew jokes: To any jewish Daria fans reading this: That is how Blair and I talk. We kid around a lot. I’m not a Neo-Nazi or anything, so I hope you’re not offended by that. I also apologize to any Mr. T fans. (Blair really talks like that.) 6) As usual, E-mail me any comments, question, hate-mail, or death threats to FloridaPantherr@aol.com