LUKEWARM METAL (1) A Daria Fan Fiction Story (Part of the "Daria: the OAV's" Series) by Peter W. Guerin ================================================================ With apologies to Glenn Eichler, Susie Lewis and Mike Judge. ================================================================ AUTHOR'S DISCLAIMER ================================================================ None of this ever happened. This story is entirely a work of fiction. As for continuity within the "Daria: the OAV's" series, this story takes place after the events of "Portrait of the Artist as a Young Cynic". All "Daria" and "Beavis and Butt-Head" characters are © 1993, 1997, 2000 MTV Networks, a division of Viacom International, Inc. All Rights Reserved. ================================================================ A SPECIAL NOTE ABOUT THIS DOCUMENT ================================================================ Endnotes to this document appear in parethentical citation format. The number in parentheses refers to the appropriately numbered endnote in the "Endnotes" section of this document. ================================================================ ACT 1 OF A LIMITED EDITION OF 3 (Collect them all!) ================================================================ ("You're Standing on My Neck" by Splendora begins to play, and we see Daria not laughing with the rest of the crowd at a movie theater at a funny scene. At gym class, during a volleyball game, Daria and Jane let the volleyball get past them, while Samantha Morris, the gym teacher, scowls at them. Kevin and Brittany are blocking Daria's locker; Daria gets out a "panic alarm", consisting of compressed air that lets out an ear-piercing blast when activated. Kevin and Brittany clear out as Daria goes to her locker. At a football game, Daria is the only one not cheering. At gym class again, Daria and Jane let the volleyball go past them again, causing Ms. Morris to scowl at them again. At a funeral, Jake, Helen and Quinn are crying over the casket, while Daria--still in her usual outfit--calmly picks up a newspaper with the heading "JUDGE IMPLICATED IN BRIBERY SCANDAL" on the front cover. Finally, at gym class again, Ms. Morris is yelling at Daria and Jane for not participating when Daria takes the volleyball, spikes it, and smashes it into Ms. Morris' face, causing her to drop to the floor. Daria and Jane both smirk sinisterly. Close-up of Daria smiling, which then zooms up and over to form the "Daria" logo on an orange background, below which is the caption "in: 'Lukewarm Metal'" in black Daria script.) ================================================================ Scene 1: The office of Angela Li, Principal, Lawndale High School, Lawndale, 7:45 AM Monday. Background music: the opening acoustic guitar riffs from "Space Oddity" by David Bowie. ================================================================ (We see English teacher Timothy O'Neill go to the door of Ms. Li's office. He knocks.) Li: Come in, the door's open. (O'Neill now enters.) O'Neill: You wanted to see me, Ms. Li? Li: Yes, I did, Mr. O'Neill. Please have a seat. (She motions to a nearby chair. O'Neill sits on it.) As you are aware of, the faculty advisor for the school newspaper, the "Lawndale Lowdown", quit when those bastards at Oakwood Central School District gave her a better contract offer. She took with her the editor, who just also happened to be her daughter. Not only that, one of the reporters also quit, citing burn-out. After looking over the rest of the faculty, I've decided that you should be the new faculty advisor for the paper. O'Neill: But, Ms. Li, I already do a lot for Lawndale High as it is. Besides being the English and Language Arts teacher, I'm also busy with the Dramatic Horizons Club and the Self-Esteem Workshop. I don't know if I can fit in being the advisor for the "Lowdown" as well. Li: Then you will have to make the time to add that to your duties as well so that the "Lowdown" can bring honor to Lawndale High. The next meeting of the editorial staff and the reporters will be today at 3:30 PM. I really hope that you will make it; otherwise, I do know some legal loopholes that can void your tenure and have you dismissed as a teacher here without cause. O'Neill: (Sighing since he knows she has him there.) Oh, all right, Ms. Li, I'll take on the job of being the advisor to the "Lowdown". Li: (Perking up upon hearing that bit of news.) Good! Now your first job will be to get a new editor. Then, after that, you and the new editor are going to get a new reporter as well. Is that understood? O'Neill: Yes, Ms. Li. Li: Good. Now you can go to your first class, and have a nice day. (O'Neill leaves, with a scowl on his face.) ================================================================ Scene 2: The hallways at LHS, 9:30 AM Monday. ================================================================ (We now see Student Government Vice-President Jodie Landon walking alongside football team captain Michael Jordan "Mack" MacKenzie. They seem to be in the middle of an argument.) Mack: What do you mean you have to cancel our date for Friday? Jodie: Mack, I really would love to go with you to that new steakhouse that opened up, but the French Club was going to see "Francois the Seedless" at Play House 99 that night. Mack: Jodie, why is it you put everything else before me? Jodie: Mack, it isn't that, really. Mack: But it IS, Jodie. You just want to do all this just to appease your old man. Jodie: Look, Mack, Dad may lean on me a bit at times, but I only do that so he won't bug me about how I'm doing at school. (As if Fate [no, not Diane Long's pet cat! :-)] loves to have things happen at the wrong time, O'Neill shows up.) O'Neill: Jodie, I wanted to talk to you about you becoming the new editor for the "Lawndale Lowdown". Mack: See what I mean, Jodie? Speak to me when you can fit me into your busy schedule! (He leaves in a huff.) Jodie: Mack, come back! (To O'Neill.) Thanks a lot, Mr. O'Neill. You sure picked a wrong time to speak to me about this. O'Neill: (Feeling sorry for what's happened.) Jodie, I'm sorry I interrupted your spat with Mack, but this is important. The paper needs a new editor, and I decided to choose you. You're the best person for the job. Jodie: Let me guess, Ms. Li roped you into the job of being the paper's new faculty advisor. O'Neill: (Knowing there's no way out of this one.) Well, she did, but I think it'll be a good thing. Please, Jodie, be the new editor? I'm pretty sure you can be very good at this. Jodie: (Sighing.) Well, OK. So, what's my first task as the new editor of the "Lowdown"? O'Neill: Well, we need a new reporter, and we need that new reporter for the next meeting this afternoon at 3:30. You know anyone who might be interested? Jodie: (Almost without hesitation.) I think I know someone who does. . . ================================================================ Scene 3: The lawn outside LHS, 11:30 AM Monday. Background music: the opening organ riffs from "Dirty Laundry" by Don Henley. ================================================================ (We see Daria Morgendorffer here, alone, in her usual get-up. She's just staring at the ground minding her own business. Jodie now approaches.) Jodie: Hi, Daria. What's up? Daria: Oh, just having the time of my life right now, staring at the grass. Jodie: Where's your "partner in crime"? Daria: Jane? Well, she made some excuse to Ms. Barch at study hall that she needed to leave the school for an hour for a medical examination. She had Trent sign a note to that effect. In reality, she's more than likely seeing Tom at that new steakhouse that just opened for lunch. Jodie: (Frowning a bit since the steakhouse was at the heart of her argument with Mack.) Well, it looks like you'll have some free time on your hands now, won't it? Daria: Jodie, if this conversation is going the direction I think it's going, I'm going to give you a five second head start to run for your life before I chase you armed with brass knuckles and chains. Jodie: (Knows how sarcastic Daria can be at times and decides to hold her ground.) You can't scare me, Daria. Besides, Mr. O'Neill tapped me for the job of looking for a new reporter for the school newspaper. Daria: Mr. O'Neill made you the new editor for the "Lowdown"? Jodie: Yes, he did, right after Ms. Li made him the new faculty advisor. Daria: Jodie, do I have to remind you about what happened when I participated in extracurricular activities in the past? What about the time I was in the marching band during Lawndale Days, or when I was on the debate team, or my recent fiasco with the field hockey team? (2) Jodie: If I remember correctly, the field hockey team experience wasn't a total loss. We did win the State Championship. Daria: Only after it was revealed that the other team was using steroids. Besides, I had a rather bad experience being on a school newspaper back at Highland. Jodie: You were on the paper there? What did you do? Daria: (Getting a bit embarrassed about this.) Well, I was the fashion editor. (Jodie chuckles.) I don't think that was funny. Jodie: You, Daria Morgendorffer, sworn enemy of the Fashion Club, was once the fashion editor for Highland High's school newspaper? That's a laugh. Daria: Well, the only other extracurricular activity I was in was with the school chapter of GLADD. Jodie: (Not chuckling now.) Daria, you're not. . . Daria: (Cutting her off rather abruptly.) No, I'm not, Jodie. Jane isn't, either. Her going out with Tom should prove that. Jodie: Daria, I didn't mean it exactly that way. Daria: Of course you didn't. Then again, how do I really know you didn't? Jodie: Come on, Daria, lighten up a bit. I tend to think that our opening up a bit while we were touring Grove Hills and after that spat I had with my dad at High Hills Park should count for something, not to mention our working together on that economics class project. (3) Daria: (Sighing a bit.) Yeah, maybe you're right about that. I guess based on that, maybe I'll take on the job as being the paper's new reporter. Jodie: Great, Daria. I know your previous experience in Highland as well as your part-time position with the "Lawndale Buzz" should come in handy for you at this. (4) The next meeting will be this afternoon at 3:30. See you then. (She now goes.) Daria: Why do I have the feeling I'm going to regret this? ================================================================ Scene 4: A classroom in LHS, 3:30 PM Monday. ================================================================ (We see the staff of the "Lawndale Lowdown" here. O'Neill is at a teacher's desk, while several other students are at little round tables. Daria and Jodie are with head cheerleader Brittany Taylor, who writes an advice column for the paper. She looks on at a letter she just got.) Brittany: Oh, dear! This person seems to have a lot of problems! Jodie: What do you mean, Brittany? Daria: Perhaps she realized her acne medication isn't effective. Brittany: Daria, Jodie, I'm being serious here! Just listen to this. "Dear Brittany, I need your help. I'm a fellow cheerleader and Ms. Morris said I was getting on the chubby side, so I began taking diet pills. However, now I've gotten addicted to them due to the amphetamines in them. I can't survive a day without popping them. How can I kick this habit? Signed, A Friend." I think I know who this girl is. Daria: Really? Brittany: Well, there's this girl who transferred to Lawndale High a year ago named Chrissie. She seems to be a bit high-strung like she was hooked on something. Too bad I can't answer this question, though. Ms. Li would frown upon a controversial question like that in the paper. Daria: But, Brittany, if this girl is abusing diet pills, you should advise her where to get help. OK, so maybe she seems to be another airheaded cheerleader--no offense meant--but I wouldn't consign her to a death by overdose. Jodie: Daria, I know you mean well, but Brittany has a point. Ms. Li has rather broad control over what goes in the "Lowdown". She won't allow that question in Brittany's column. Daria: OK, what about if we interview her and we write a story about the dangers of drug abuse? Jodie: That would get her angry as well. She doesn't want anything that would (doing an impersonation of Li.) "bring dishonor to Lawndale High". Daria: Jodie, do I have to remind you that we have something in this nation called the First Amendment? Jodie: Daria, the courts have held that principals can exert some editorial control over the content of high school newspapers; college papers don't face that same problem since the students there are adults, whereas we're still considered minors. Daria: Why do I have the feeling, though, that most of the "minors" out there have more intelligence than the "adults"? Jodie: Daria, I didn't make these rulings up. I'm pretty sure Ms. Li will even say so herself. Daria: Jodie, at the "Buzz", Monique doesn't tell me not to run an article I wrote because it will upset some people. We run stories the mainstream papers won't touch because they feel it will upset the Establishment. Jodie: Well, that's fine and good, Daria, but you won't have to face a possible suspension if you run your stories in that paper. Daria: Jodie, you're beginning to sound like Ms. Li now. Whose side are you on here? Brittany: MMMMM, well, maybe I can talk to Chrissie and see if she is having this problem, and maybe you can join me, Daria, and we can get to the bottom of this. (O'Neill now gets up and goes around. He goes to a table where we see Sandi Griffin. who's now the official Fashion Club correspondent for the "Lowdown", writing an article.) O'Neill: Well, Sandi, how are you doing with the Fashion Club column? Sandi: Like, I am trying to decipher the minutes of the last meeting, and Stacy had spilled her diet soda on them, and smeared the ink all over the place. O'Neill: Oh, dear. Well, I hope you make sense of all of it. (He now goes to Daria, Jodie and Brittany.) Well, how are you ladies doing? Daria: Mr. O'Neill, Brittany got a letter for her column, and she wants me to follow up on it. O'Neill: Really? What's it about? Daria: It seems one of her friends needs some advice, and I figure that maybe I should try to talk to her about it and see about helping her without disclosing some delicate details. O'Neill: That's excellent, Daria! Sometimes if you just have a little heart-to-heart talk between two people, you can get a lot more done than airing your grievances out for everyone to hear and read about. I admire your tact, Daria. You go ahead and do it! (He goes.) Daria: Well, that gave us the carte blanche we need to investigate Chrissie's problem. Jodie: But, Daria, you didn't tell the whole truth about what you were going to report on. Daria: Well, I have picked up a few skills from Jane in my experiences with her. (Jodie just shakes her head.) Brittany: Good! Let's go to her house after this lets out and we can get some details! Daria: OK, Brittany, but let me do all the talking. Jodie: Let's face it, Daria; you're the only one who can do the way of talking you do. (Daria does that Mona Lisa grin over that.) ================================================================ Scene 5: Chrissie Johannsen's house, 1313 Morrison Drive, Lawndale, 5:00 PM Monday. Background music: the opening xylophone beats to "Shock the Monkey" by Peter Gabriel. ================================================================ (Daria, Jodie and Brittany go to the front door. Daria has a camera slung around her neck. Daria rings the doorbell. The door is opened by Chrissie, who's a petite with a blonde bob, blue eyes, and wearing a green sweater and white Capri pants. Her eyes look bloodshot, and she looks strung out like anyone who abuses drugs usually is.) Chrissie: Oh, hi, Brittany. Who are those two? Brittany: (Twirling her finger around her hair.) MMMMM, well, these two just joined the staff of the "Lowdown". Jodie Landon's the new editor while Daria Morgendorffer is the new reporter. Daria: Chrissie, Brittany received your letter for her column, and I wanted to talk to you about it. Chrissie: Well, OK. (She lets them in. We follow them inside to the living room, and up the stairs to her room.) I didn't think this was going to do my any good, but I'm glad you came. (We now enter her room, and we see it's decorated like any typical teenage girls, pastel colors, canopy bed, dolls, posters of guys, etc.) Brittany recommended I join the cheerleading team, and I thought I'd fit right in. But when we had our state-mandated physical fitness test, Ms. Morris noted I was about ten pounds overweight. So I decided to take diet pills, and follow a sensible diet. However, I think I got hooked on the pills, then I just began taking them for the Hell of it. Daria: Weren't you concerned that you were going to be found out? Ms. Li does have those drug tests. Chrissie: Well, I had a prescription for the pills, and Nurse Chase won't hassle you about it if you have the paperwork proving you have to take the pills. But it got to the point I was taking the over-the-counter pills as well so I could get my fix. The thing is, I'm not the only one on the cheerleading team that's doing this. Several other girls are doing it as well. Brittany: What do you mean, Chrissie? I don't seem to notice any of the other girls with your problem. Chrissie: Brittany, they know how to disguise this better than I could. I need help. If you could just run a story about this, maybe some people will wake up and take action. I'm going to tell my parents about this, and I'm going to get some treatment and counseling to help myself kick this habit. Daria: Chrissie, I'll give you marks for recognizing that you do have this problem. Most people with a drug problem will just flat out deny it. Chrissie: Besides, I wanted to spare myself some of the grief Stacy Rowe did upon herself when she had that problem with bulimia. (5) Jodie: That's understandable, Chrissie. However, even if we write this article, we don't know if it will see the light of day in the "Lowdown". Chrissie: If no one will report this, someone is going to overdose on these pills and die. (She now goes to her closet, and takes out several empty boxes of over-the-counter diet pills.) This is what I went through in just the past month. I want to warn others not to do what I've been doing. (Daria now takes the camera and shoots a photograph of it. Jodie notices.) Jodie: Daria, what are you doing? Daria: Just providing some evidence for the story I'm going to write for the paper. (Brittany now goes to Chrissie.) Brittany: Chrissie, if you've been having this problem for some time, why didn't you come to me about it? I'm the head cheerleader, you know. Chrissie: Brittany, with all due respect, all you ever seem to care about is hanging around with Kevin and being cute. You never seem to take the time to look around and notice that not everyone is as happy and optimistic as you. Daria: (In her usual droll manner.) Out of the mouths of babes. . .and I don't mean infants, either. Brittany: Don't you worry, Chrissie, Daria's going to write that article, and we're going to see to it that this problem's nipped in the bud. My Daddy's always told me that drugs are no good for you. Even Kevvy isn't dumb enough to take steroids. Daria: (Thought voice-over.) That's only because he's too dumb to know what it is, let alone spell it or pronounce it correctly. Brittany: Besides, I made that poster that won that art contest that said "Don't do drugs or alcohol!" Daria: (Thought voice-over.) And that's only because Jane and I had to destroy our poster about eating disorders because Ms. Li and Mr. O'Neill didn't like the message, and I have the feeling I'm going to be tussling with them again over censorship issues. Jodie: Daria, you're really going to go through with this, aren't you? Daria: Does a bear spit in the woods? (Jodie once again shakes her head.) ================================================================ Scene 6: The dinner table just off the kitchen off of the Morgendorffer residence, 1111 Glen Oaks Lane, Lawndale, 6:30 PM Monday. ================================================================ (We see the rest of the Morgendorffer family eating a typical lasagna dinner. Seated from left to right are Jake, Quinn [wearing her new pink long-sleeve shirt with a yellow butterfly on it] and Helen. Jake looks at his watch.) Jake: Gee, it usually doesn't take Daria this long to come home. I wonder where she is? Helen: She's probably with that friend of hers at the pizza place. You know they always go over there after school. Jake: Yeah, but for three-and-a-half hours? Helen: Maybe she went to her place afterwards. Give her some benefit of the doubt, Jake. (We now hear the front door open, which means Daria's just arrived.) Quinn: I think that may be her now. (Daria now enters.) Daria: Hi. Sorry I'm late. Helen: Daria, where were you? Your dinner's getting cold. Daria: OK, it's a long story, but I'll give you the "Reader's Digest" condensed version of it. It seems Ms. Li talked Mr. O'Neill to be the new faculty advisor to the school newspaper. Mr. O'Neill, in turn, drafted Jodie to be the new editor, and she roped me into being the new reporter. Jake: Good for you, kiddo! When's your first staff meeting? Daria: It was today, and Jodie, Brittany and I just did our first report. Helen: Oh, what was it about, sweetie? Daria: Well, it was about a girl who's having a problem. I can't divulge the details about it just yet. Helen: I get it; you want this to be a surprise and wait for us to read it when it gets published. Daria: Something like that. Helen: Anyway, your lasagna's getting cold. Did you want me to warm it up for you? Daria: No thanks; I grabbed some pizza on the way back. Quinn: With Jane, I take it? Daria: No, she wasn't with me. Odds are she's with "The Boyfriend". Quinn: Daria, I still sense some resentment in that tone of voice about him. Daria: Well, I'm beginning to live with it, though I don't know if I'll live long enough to finally quell those last remaining impulses to choke the two of them. Quinn: Daria, I think I know what this is all about. You're jealous that Jane's got someone and you're not getting anywhere with Trent. Speaking of which, Jeffy's asked me out for Friday night. We're going to go see the Lawndale Warlords take on the Peoria Rivermen at the Lawndale Civic Center. (6) Maybe you can go with us and take Trent along with you? Daria: No thanks; Trent will just fall asleep once the opening face-off occurs, if he doesn't sleep while driving there to begin with. Quinn: Suit yourself, Daria. I'm just trying to cheer you up. (We now hear the doorbell ring. Jake goes to the door and opens it. We see Goth girl Andrea Hecuba and Raye Halstead, the captain of the girls' field hockey team introduced in "Daria's Slapshot". Andrea's in her usual clothes while Raye is wearing a white blouse and chartreuse pants.) Andrea: Yo, Mr. Morgendorffer, is Daria home? Jake: Hold on. (To Daria.) That girl you know from the field hockey team and that Goth girl are here for you, kiddo! Andrea and Raye: Kiddo? Jake: Well, it's kind of a long story. (Fast cut to Daria, who's closed her eyes and put her hand to her forehead.) Daria: Leave it to Dad to embarrass me again. ================================================================ Scene 7: Daria's room, 7:45 PM Monday. ================================================================ (Daria is seen at her computer, apparently working on her article. Andrea and Raye are watching "Sick, Sad World" on the TV. Cut to the screen, where we see a midget in a forklift dropping a tall person in a spherical steel cage toward a set of gigantic pins.) "SSW" Announcer: They've had enough, and they're not going to take it anymore! Midgets decide to get even and hurl people over six feet tall toward gigantic pins. We take a look at the shocking sport of giant bowling, next on "Sick, Sad World"! Andrea: Somehow, I saw that one coming. Raye: I think that was inevitable, (Turns toward Daria.) don't you think, Daria? (Cut to Daria at her computer.) Daria: Mmmm-hmmmm. Andrea: I think she's busy with that article she's writing for the "Lowdown". Raye: Daria, did you do your homework yet? Daria: Did that while I was at the pizza place. Well, the only thing I didn't do when I was at study hall or at lunch. Just a few math problems. I wanted to get this article written up so I can send it to Mr. O'Neill for the next issue. Andrea: Good planning, Daria. Anyway, we came here so you wouldn't be too lonely since you're not seeing Jane much these days. Daria: Gee, thanks, I think. (She now moves her mouse and clicks on something.) OK, doing the final spell check on this, and then I can print it out and send it to Mr. O'Neill. It'll take a couple of minutes, since this is a rather old machine. I ought to upgrade to an iMac. (7) In-between the money I make part-time with the "Buzz", some of the old Montana Cabin Fund money and whatever money I made when I was working at the nut stand at the mall with Kevin, I think I might be able to get one soon. Raye: Well, there's a good computer store downtown that might have what you want; it's called Bargain Bytes. That's where my dad got his Dell. Daria: I'll keep that in mind. Thanks. (We now hear the computer say "Mail's here" in Daria's monotone voice. [8] ) Andrea: Gee, Daria, how'd you manage to get your computer to do that? Daria: Well, I made a recording of my voice, converted it to a wav file, loaded it to my computer and pointed my E-mail alert system to play that when I get any new E-mail. (She looks at the monitor.) OK, it's done spell checking. I'll save this, print it then look at the new messages. (She does a few clicks with the mouse, and we hear the floppy disk drive whirl and the printer kick in. She now looks at the new E-mail.) Oh, dammit, Kevin's E-mailed me again. Andrea: What does that human cinder block want now? Daria: He's been bugging me for the last week to help him with the upcoming math test. I'll just tell him that if he doesn't stop, I'll go to Judge Feeder and get a restraining order against him. (9) Raye: I doubt that even that could stop him, Daria. (Chuckles a bit.) Daria: (Sighing.) OK, then I know of a few viruses that I can E-mail to him and keep him off-line for a few days. (Raye grins while Andrea does a wry smile. Daria now does that Mona Lisa smile herself.) ================================================================ Scene 8: The same, about 8:05 PM Monday. Background music: the opening bars of "Watching the Detectives" by Elvis Costello. ================================================================ (Daria's been reading back her article for the "Lowdown". Andrea and Raye have been listening.) Daria: (Finishing up.) . . .And so we're left with some very important questions: 1. How widespread is drug abuse among the cheerleader squad?; 2. Are there any other athletic activities affected by this?; (We see Andrea open her hip flask and begin to drink some whiskey.) and 3. Are there any other students who have similar problems? (Upon hearing that, Andrea spits out her whiskey.) Sorry, Andrea, I didn't mean you specifically. Andrea: Man, Daria, you almost gave me a coronary! Daria: Andrea, it's bad enough I had to deal with my Dad's heart attack; I don't want to have another one on my conscience. . .any that I have, that is. Raye: (Chuckling a bit.) Good one, Daria. Daria: (Resuming.) These are questions that the faculty and administration of Lawndale High should be asking, and they should be taking proportional measures to address this problem. (Ends.) Well, what do you think? Andrea: Well, it was good until you got to that part about "proportional measures". You know that Ms. Li's solutions will be anything but proportional. She'll just step up the drug testing and stiffen the punishments for them. Daria: There's other ways to handle this than Draconian measures like that. What about school-sponsored drug treatment and counseling programs? Raye: Daria, the chances of Ms. Li doing something like that are as good as the Chicago Cubs winning the World Series within our lifetime--slim to none. Daria: Other than that, you like it? Andrea: Hey, if they Pulitzer Prize people gave out awards for high school newspaper writing, you'd be a no-brainer. Daria: Then I'm putting this in Mr. O'Neill's in-box at the general office in the morning. Raye: Shouldn't you let Jodie look at it first? After all, she's the editor. Daria: And have her nit-pick it to death like that creative writing teacher did when he was here not too long ago? No thanks. (10) Raye: Daria, if you don't at least let her look at it, she'll think you're trying to go over her head. Daria: OK, OK, I'll let her have a look at it. But I'm not going to hope for the best. ================================================================ Scene 9: The hallway of LHS, 9:45 AM Tuesday. ================================================================ (We see Daria and Jodie standing next to Daria's locker. Jodie is reading Daria's article. She now scowls at Daria.) Jodie: Daria, this is what I meant when I said you shouldn't write something like this. Ms. Li's going to blow a fuse. Daria: So, let her. After that, she should take a serious look at the drug problem here instead of sweeping it under the rug. Jodie: Daria, I'm warning you, if you give this article to Mr. O'Neill, I will be very angry at you for taking such an irresponsible act. If this hits the fan, not even your mother will be able to save your butt. Daria: Huh-huh, you said "Butt". Jodie: And what the Hell do you mean by that? Daria: Just something I picked up from a couple I dolts I knew back in Highland. Jodie: Well, Daria, you're not in Highland anymore! I don't know if you could get away with writing like this back there--and from what I heard the principal there was a wuss compared to Ms. Li--but if you do something like this here, the hammer will fall down on you--hard. Just take that as a warning. (She turns and goes.) Daria: Well, if she likes it, then I'm submitting it. (She steps into the general office and puts the article in a cubby hole marked "O'NEILL". Speaking of matters, I wonder how Mr. McVickers is doing these days? ================================================================ Scene 10: Arlen State Mental Hospital, Arlen, Texas, 9:00 AM CST Tuesday. (11) Background music: "They're Coming to Take Me Away" from Napoleon XIV plays in the background throughout this scene and into the commercial lead-in. ================================================================ (We now see Mr. McVickers, the principal of Highland High School, in a straighjacket and in a padded room. Apparently he survived the heart attack he had in "Beavis and Butt-Head are Dead".) McVickers: (Drooling and muttering to himself.) Mheh-heh-heh-heh-heh! Uh-huh-huh-huh-huh-huh! Fire, fire, fire, fire, fire! Diarrhea, cha-cha-cha! We're there, dude! (Laughs hysterically now.) (Pan back to see two doctors looking in on him.) Doctor # 1: The poor man, he had a rather rough go of it after he came out of the hospital from that heart attack. Doctor # 2: Suffered a mental breakdown. They said it was those two dolts in his high school that did it to him. He couldn't take it anymore. Doctor # 1: You know, Martin Luther was right. No one should be in the teaching profession longer than ten years. This guy is hopeless now; he's totally lost it. Doctor # 2: Well, let's leave him to God. (They leave. Cut back to McVickers.) McVickers: (Muttering to himself again.) We're gonna score! Assmunch! Dillweed! Bunghole! I am Cornholio! I need TP for my bunghole! (Laughs hysterically again.) (We now cut to the commercial lead-in, as we see a panning montage of Ms. Li talking to Mr. O'Neill, O'Neill talking to Jodie, and Jodie talking to Daria, with the "Daria" logo superimposed over it.) ================================================================ COMMERCIAL BREAK # 1 ================================================================ Announcer: Next time on an all-new episode of "Celebrity Deathmatch", it's a rematch of epic proportions as Seven of Nine from "Star Trek: Voyager" takes on WWF sensation The Rock in an exciting rematch from their tussle on the recent "Voyager" episode! (We now see The Rock and Seven of Nine in the same outfits they wore in that particular episode.) Rock: If you think you're going to have a better chance of whipping me this time, I've got the home field advantage this time, you bitch! (He body slams Seven to the canvas.) Seven: You will be assimilated! (She now sticks her assimilation probe into Rock and he's assimilated.) (Referee Mills Lane assesses the situation, and renders a decision.) Lane: I'll allow it! Announcer: Also, see the original Optimus Prime from the original "Transformers" series take on one of the Gundam Mobile Suits! (We see Optimus Prime and a Gundam Mobile Suit fighting. The Gundam shoves Optimus off to the side with its shield.) Optimus: OK, you goddamn Gundam! You asked for it! (We now suddenly see the original Megatron leap into the ring, transform into a Walther P-38 handgun, and goes into Optimus' hand. [12] Optimus fires Megatron, and blows the Gundam away.) Lane: Outside interference! Outside interference! Announcer: Finally, see Jake Morgendorffer from "Daria" take on former WWF wrestler and "G. I. Joe" sensation Sgt. Slaughter! (We see Jake cringing in a corner as Slaughter approaches him.) Slaughter: You know, I was a big-time star on "G. I. Joe" when Mike Judge hadn't even created "Beavis and Butt-Head" yet, you wuss! (He beats up on Jake.) Jake: You know, you remind me of my old man, who just dropped me off at military school (Now he goes into a rage.) AND LEFT ME AT THE MERCY OF HEARTLESS DRILL SERGEANTS WHO'D FIND SOME EXCUSE WHY YOU HAD TO DIG DITCHES ALL THE TIME WHEN THEY SHOULD HAVE GOTTEN OFF THEIR BIG FAT ASSES AND DID IT THEMSELVES!!!!!!!!!! (He now pummels Slaughter senseless.) Announcer: That's all happening on the next "Celebrity Deathmatch"! Thursday nights at 10:00 PM Eastern/9:00 PM Central, only on MTV! (Another commercial. We hear the music that was playing toward the end of the movie "A Boy Named Charlie Brown" as we see a montage of scenes, including: Snoopy's doghouse, with his typewriter on top; Schroeder's piano and bust of Beethoven; the pitcher's mound; a football on the grass; a kite tangled up in the kite-eating tree; Woodstock's nest; the birdbath; and a shot of Bill Maudlin's famous characters G. I. Joe and G. I. Willie, in dress blues, wiping away a tear. We now see Lucy Van Pelt, sitting at her psychiatric help booth, a tear running down her face. We now see Daria approach the booth.) Daria: It seems you're the one who could use some advice this time around. If it wasn't for someone like you, I'd probably wouldn't exist. (Lucy looks up.) You were the original smart, cynical, crabby girl, and for that, I thank you and your creator. (Lucy now goes to Daria and hugs her. Fade into a shot of Charles M. Schulz, with the caption "CHARLES M. SCHULZ: 1922-2000. YOU WERE A GOOD MAN, SPARKY. FROM YOUR FRIENDS IN LAWNDALE AND MARK ZERO FAN FICTION, UNLIMITED.") ================================================================ ACT 2ND DOWN AND 10, BALL ON THE JETS' 35 (There, that should keep my stepbrother happy, since his friend Vinnie Testaverde is on the team.) ================================================================ Scene 1: The teacher's lounge at LHS, 11:00 AM Tuesday. ================================================================ (We see O'Neill looking through the items that were placed in his cubby hole at the general office. Anthony DeMartino, the social studies teacher, approaches.) DeMartino: (With his right eye bulging out.) Well, Timothy, what senseless TRIPE those trained MONKEYS who write for the "LOWDOWN" sent to you THIS TIME?!?!?!?!?! O'Neill: Well, Tony, it looks like the usual. Sandi Griffin's finally deciphered the minutes of the last Fashion Club meeting; Jodie Landon's written a rather good editorial about setting up recycling bins out in the hallways to encourage students not to throw away our valuable resources, and Brittany's written another good advice column. DeMartino: I think that CHARLEY guy I saw on that made-for-TV MOVIE called "Flowers for ALGERNON" would have written a BETTER article than this TRASH!!!!!!!!!! (He now looks at something toward the bottom.) Say, wait a MINUTE!!!!!!!!!! Isn't that SOMETHING from Daria MORGENDORFFER?!?!?!?!?! O'Neill: (Noticing.) Really? (He goes through the stack of papers and pulls it out.) Daria's one of my best students in my class. (He takes a quick scan of the article.) Uh, oh! This doesn't look good. DeMartino: I don't think Daria's WRITING skills are THAT bad! O'Neill: It isn't that, Tony; it's the subject matter. She's accusing the cheerleader squad of abusing diet pills! (We now see science teacher Janet Barch enter the lounge.) Barch: (To DeMartino.) Step aside, you man! (DeMartino actually cringes and steps out of the way. She goes to O'Neill.) Timmy, don't forget about our date tonight! O'Neill: Oh, I won't forget, Janet! Barch: Say, what's that you're reading? O'Neill: Oh, it's just something Daria wrote for the paper. Barch: Let me take a look. (She does.) Well, it figures. A typical bunch of women who don't know the meaning of empowerment who decide to abuse diet pills in order to attract male scum! Is this going into the next issue? O'Neill: Well, I don't know, Janet. I doubt that Ms. Li will allow it in there. Barch: Just remember, Daria is one of my best students as well as being one of yours. If women were warned of the dangers of doing things like this in order to attract men, they wouldn't be doing it in the first place. Just remember what happened to Stacy Rowe when she went on her bulimia kick! O'Neill: Well, that was different, though, Janet. Barch: Oh, really? You've been hanging around Tony here too much! DeMartino: Hey, what did I do? Barch: You were born. (She kicks him in the testicles, sending him howling. She turns to O'Neill.) I'll see you later for our date, Timmy-kins! (She goes.) DeMartino: (Gasping for air.) Why do you get off EASY with her FOR?!?!?!?!?! O'Neill: Search me, Tony; I really don't know. (He adds a wry smile to that as DeMartino just scowls.) ================================================================ Scene 2: A sidewalk along Glen Oaks Lane, Lawndale, 3:15 PM Tuesday. Background music: the hard-charging guitar intro to "I am the Bullgod" by Kid Rock. ================================================================ (Daria is going down the street by herself.) Jane: (From behind Daria.) Yo! (Daria turns around and sees Jane.) Daria: Well, well, well, if it isn't the prodigal best friend. Where's "The Boyfriend"? Jane: He had to stay after prep school for fencing club practice. The parents roped him into it. Daria: So I get to spend a few microseconds with you then? Jane: Sure. (Smirks evilly.) So, how's things been with you? Daria: Well, Jodie roped me into writing for the school paper, then I wrote a big exposé about the cheerleader squad abusing diet pills. Jane: Don't pull my leg, Daria. Being on the school paper I can believe, but that bit about the exposé's a bit much. Daria: But I did. I'm pretty sure once Jodie, Mr. O'Neill and Ms. Li read it, all Hell will officially break loose. Jane: Now that's the Daria I know. Daria: Yeah. (She sees her house.) Time to report to the gulag. See you later. (She goes up the pathway to her house.) Jane: Why do I have the feeling she's not telling me the whole story here? ================================================================ Scene 3: Ms. Li's office, 3:30 PM Tuesday. ================================================================ (O'Neill is seen here seated across the desk from Li. Apparently Li's been reading the article that Daria wrote for the paper.) Li: I certainly agree with you, Mr. O'Neill. This article cannot be allowed in the "Lowdown". If something like this ever saw the light of day, it could have a devastating effect on the morale of the cheerleader squad, not to mention bring dishonor to Lawndale High. O'Neill: Shall I tell Daria about this tomorrow? Li: No, Mr. O'Neill; leave that up to me. I've finally found the golden opportunity to find an excuse to expel Ms. Morgendorffer once and for all! (She pounds her fist onto her desk, then laughs sinisterly to herself.) O'Neill: Uh, Ms. Li? Are you all right? Li: (Checking herself.) OOPS! I got a bit carried away there for a moment. What I meant to say was that I'll shine the cold light of reason on her face and make her see the error of her ways. Thank you, Mr. O'Neill, and good day. O'Neill: (Thought voice-over as he gets up to go.) I wonder: Is Ms. Li losing it? ================================================================ Scene 4: Daria's room, 9:15 PM Tuesday. Background music: the opening drumroll and horns from "Break It Down Again" by Tears for Fears. ================================================================ (Daria is seen watching a special edition of the Japanese cooking show "Iron Chef" on the Food Network cable channel. [13] We see a Cajun cook taking on Hiroyuki Sakai, the Iron Chef French as both try to create a meal using crocodile meat as the theme ingredient.) Kenji Fukui: It seems our challenger is in his native element. He's preparing a crocodile stew while the Iron Chef French is still figuring out what to cook. Kae Hanazawa (14): I hope he can figure something out soon. Shinichiro Ota: Fukui-san? Fukui: Yes. Ota: It seems our challenger is going to add papayas to his crocodile meat stew. Daria: Stick a fork in him; he's done. (Turns off the TV. The phone now rings. Daria answers it.) Hello? (Split-screen to show Jodie at the left and Daria at the right.) Jodie: Daria, it's me, Jodie. I was just wondering, did you really submit that article to the paper? Daria: Well. . . Jodie: You did, didn't you? Daria: Well. . . Jodie: Daria, you decided to send that article in after I told you otherwise? Great going, Daria! Now we're both going to be in the hot seat with Ms. Li. I hope your satisfied! (She hangs up the phone. Cut back to Daria.) Daria: Well, that was brief. I guess I'll hit the hay then. (Cut to a few minutes later, as Daria's in her bed, wearing her usual bedclothes of blue T-shirt and yellow shorts, fast asleep. She now has an evil smirk on her face. Misty dissolve to her dream. We see her at Ms. Li's office, as she angrily waves her article in Daria's face.) Li: Ms. Morgendorffer, did you write this article? Daria: Yes, I did. Li: Ms. Morgendorffer, you've brought disgrace onto Lawndale High! That is very inexcusable! I have no other choice but to expel you from this school! Daria: And you leave me no other choice but to do this. . . (She now opens the door to the office, and we see Masaharu Moritomo, Iron Chef Japanese, rush into the room, wielding long, sharp knives. Cut to Li, who screams in terror. Daria walks out of the room, closing the door behind her. She snickers to herself. Misty dissolve back to reality, as Daria herself is snickering aloud in her sleep. We now hear a pounding at her door.) Daria: (Disturbed by this.) Uh--wha? (She gets up and goes to her door. We see Quinn in her yellow bunny rabbit nightshirt.) Quinn: Daria, will you keep it down, please? I'm trying to get some sleep. Daria: What was I doing? Quinn: You were laughing in your sleep. Daria: Oh, I was. Quinn: God, this is just like that day you were laughing with the rest of the science class when Mr. Buzzcut ordered Beavis and Butt-Head not to laugh for the whole day. (15) Daria: Dammit, Quinn, don't go blurting that to everyone at school; the "Misery Chick" does have an image to maintain, you know. Quinn: My lips are sealed, for a considerable bribe, of course. Daria: OK, hold on a minute. (She now goes to the pillowcase she keeps her Montana Cabin Fund money in and takes out twenty mint-condition Sacagawea $1 coins. She hands them to Quinn.) Quinn: Hey, what gives with that, Daria? Don't you have any paper money? Daria: I broke a twenty at the post office stamp vending machine and it gave those to me in change, along with some others I got at the Wal-Mart recently. Take it or leave it. Quinn: (Pouting.) Fine! You know these things just weigh you down! Good night, and shut up! (She slams the door.) Jake: (Off-camera.) Dammit, Quinn, keep it down! We're trying to get some sleep! (Daria manages to get a wry smile out of her tired face over this small victory over Quinn.) ================================================================ Scene 5: The hallways of LHS, 7:25 AM Wednesday. Background music: the opening guitars from "Fast as You Can" by Fiona Apple. ================================================================ (Daria and Jane are going down the hall.) Jane: So, you figure that you'll be called on the carpet for your little piece of yellow journalism any minute now? Daria: It's a strong possibility. (The PA system crackles to life.) Li: (On PA system.) Daria Morgendorffer, Jodie Landon, please report to my office immediately. Jane: You mean more like it just happened. (Daria scowls.) ================================================================ Scene 6: Ms. Li's office, 7:30 AM Wednesday. ================================================================ (Daria and Jodie are seated across the desk from Li.) Li: Ms. Morgendorffer, Ms. Landon, can you care to explain about this? (She holds up Daria's article for the paper.) Daria: Is it your top secret plan to put mind control chips into every student, teacher and custodian in the school? Li: Being flippant toward me will only make your punishment worse, Ms. Morgendorffer. This is the article you wrote for the "Lowdown" about diet pill abuse among members of the cheerleader team. I will not allow it to be published. Daria: But don't the students deserve the right to know about the dangers of drug abuse and its consequences? Li: They are well aware of it, Ms. Morgendorffer. Remember, I do conduct drug tests here, as well as having drug-sniffing dogs. Daria: But doing heavy-handed things like that and trying to deny that there is a problem is trying to deny the reality of the situation. Li: Do you really think you can ask your ambulance chaser mother to file a massive lawsuit and hope that Judge Feeder will listen to your case and vindicate you, don't you? Well, just keep on dreaming, Ms. Morgendorffer. The courts are on my side on this matter. Daria: Ms. Li, don't you find it very hypocritical that our schools teach students about the Bill of Rights on one hand while at the same time they abridge those same freedoms by dictating what material their newspapers can publish? Li: Ms. Morgendorffer, you are this close (Sticks her fingers out for emphasis.) to being suspended, if not expelled. Daria: What, for telling the truth? Li: OK, one week's suspension, for the both of you. Jodie: What did I do? Li: You aided and abetted Ms. Morgendorffer in this matter, that's what. I'm going to call your parents right now. (She goes to the phone.) Jodie: Great going, Daria. Now we're in very big trouble no thanks to you and your dumb article. Daria: I won't take any thanks for it. (Jodie closes her eyes and puts her hand to her forehead.) ================================================================ Scene 7: The living room of the Morgendorffer residence, 8:55 AM Wednesday. Background music: The opening "OOO! AHH!" refrain from "Chain Gang" by Sam Cooke. ================================================================ (Helen and Daria enter the house. Daria goes to the couch while Helen stands nearby. Daria has her article in her hands.) Helen: Daria, what in the world did you write that warranted a week's suspension from school? Daria: Well, (Giving the article to her.) read it and weep, except just don't weep like you did when you read that story I wrote for Mr. O'Neill. (Helen gives a quick scan of the article.) Helen: My, these are pretty serious charges. If these are true, Daria, it could open a can of worms. Daria: A can of worms that Ms. Li would rather keep a lid on, that's what. Helen: If you didn't name the person who told you about this, we would have a pretty strong argument about you trying to protect your sources. However, I do think that what Ms. Li did was a bit arbitrary. I think a lawsuit is in order here. Daria: Mom, Ms. Li warned me that I would be expelled if you took any legal action. Helen: Then we'll just have to get a restraining order preventing her from doing that. Odds are we'll have to do both at State Supreme Court. (16) Daria: Which means that Judge Feeder won't be hearing this. Helen: And neither will Judge Reinhardt. (17) Daria, the situation isn't that hopeless. Just try to look at the bright side of things. Daria: In my case, the bright side is only a bit less dull then the murky side. (Helen just shakes her head.) ================================================================ Scene 8: The hallway of LHS, 9:45 AM Wednesday. ================================================================ (We see the Fashion Club going down the hallway, including President Candy Kaine, Quinn [who's the Vice-President], Brittany [who's the Treasurer], Stacy [who's the Secretary], Co-Ordinating Officer Tiffany Blum-Deckler and Sandi.) Sandi: So, Quinn, rumor has it that your brainy sister just got suspended for writing an article in the "Lowdown" that got Ms. Li miffed. Quinn: So, Daria's no stranger to controversy. She's used to it. Tiffany: Yeah, but she must have really made her steamed. Quinn: OK, I hate having to play Devil's advocate for her, but you have to give Daria the benefit of the doubt. No one knows what she wrote. Candy: Quinn's got a point. Unless we know what she wrote, we won't know what exactly got Ms. Li mad at Daria. Brittany: (Twirling her finger around her hair.) MMMMM, well, I know for a fact that it was about Chrissie Johannsen's abusing diet pills, along with several other members of the cheerleading squad. Stacy: How did you know, Brittany? Brittany: Because Chrissie wrote a letter to me for my advice column about it originally. I've been asking around, and what Chrissie said and what Daria wrote about are all true. (Looks of shock on the faces of the other members of the Fashion Club.) Sandi: Brittany, you're telling me you knew about this all along and you didn't tell us about it? Brittany: Well, maybe I was hoping to keep this an internal matter within the cheerleading squad, but maybe that it's out in the open perhaps now something positive can come out of this. Tiffany: But, Brittany, we're talking about Ms. Li here. You can't say "Ms. Li" and "positive" in the same breath as far as she's concerned. Sandi: OK, so I don't have as much clout in the Fashion Club as I used to, but even I'm not that dumb to try and take on Ms. Li like that. Brittany: (Seeing something.) Wait a minute, I see Chrissie now. (Chrissie approaches.) Chrissie: Hi, you guys. Brittany: Hi, Chrissie. What's up? Chrissie: Well, OK. I think the rehab's going OK. Did Daria write that article? Sandi: Like, she did, and Ms. Li like went postal and suspended her and Jodie Landon over it. Chrissie: What? Are you serious? Sandi: Like, I don't make this stuff up. (Jane now approaches.) Jane: Make way for the outcast artist here; I've got an image to uphold. Brittany: Jane, have you heard? Daria and Jodie got suspended for a week over that article Daria wrote for the paper. Jane: (Shocked.) What? Why that no good bitch! Chrissie: I think we should stage a protest or something. Sandi: OK, like Daria is no fashion plate, but she didn't deserve what happened to her and Jodie. Then again, Jodie is no fashion plate, either. Jane: You're not just assuming that because she's black, are you? (18) Sandi: Like, I'm not, Jane. Jane: Good. I just don't want to see you incur the wrath of Andrew, that's all. Brittany: I know! Why don't we hold a rally during lunch! I can whip up some good cheers on the spot! Jane: Leave it to you to figure something like that out. Candy: Good idea, Brittany. I'll spread the word. We'd better burn rubber, people. (Everyone except Jane now departs.) Jane: I guess in the meantime I should use this note here (She takes it out.) that Trent made that I had to go to the dentist. I was originally going to use it as an excuse to go see Tom at his prep school during lunch, but now I want to see how Daria's holding up through this. So, she may still be a bit sore about my seeing Tom, but right now it's time to set aside differences. ================================================================ Scene 9: The Morgendorffer's living room, 11:40 PM Wednesday. Background music: the opening guitars from "Whipping Post" by the Allman Brothers Band. ================================================================ (Daria's sitting on the couch, brooding. The doorbell rings. Daria gets up and answers it. She sees Jane.) Jane: Am I still welcome here? Daria: Yeah, sure. Jane: I'm alone. Daria: Well, are you going to come in or do I have to slam this door into your face? (Jane enters.) Jane: I heard you and Jodie got suspended for that article you submitted to the "Lowdown". Daria: Well, it's just your typical reaction by Ms. Li. Jane: Believe it or not, some of the students think what happened was unfair and are going to be holding a rally during lunch. Care to see it? Daria: And risk having Ms. Li sic the cops on me and have me arrested for trespassing? I don't think so. (Helen enters.) Helen: Jane, what are you doing here? Jane: First off, Helen, never underestimate having a brother who's the age of majority who can write rather convincing excuse notes allowing you to skip your lunch period when you have to do some things. (Jake now enters.) Jake: (In a panic.) Where's my kiddo? I heard she got suspended! Helen: I see Marian sent you my message, Jake. Daria's right here. Jake: Don't worry, kiddo, we're going to fight this thing! We're gonna tell the man to buzz off just like your mother and I did when we were at Middleton College! Daria: Dad, remember what the doctor told you about getting too excited. Jake: But this is your rights we're talking about, Daria! At least I'm going to stand up for you, unlike my old man, WHO NEVER REALIZED THAT MILITARY SCHOOL WAS HELL ON EARTH FOR ME BECAUSE THEY KEPT CENSORING MY LETTERS TO HOME!!!!!!!!!! Daria: Dad, keep this up and your HMO will drop you for being too high of a risk for another coronary. Jane: Anyway, the students are going to be holding a rally during lunch in protest of what happened. Believe it or not, there are some people out there who think Daria got a raw deal from Ms. Li when she tried to quash Daria's story. Helen: Jake, feel like reliving some of our college days? Jake: Sure, dear; one more for old times sake. Jane: Now you have no choice but to show up for this, Daria. (Daria just shakes her head.) ================================================================ Scene 10: The lawn outside LHS, 12:00 PM Wednesday. ================================================================ (We see many of the students here, along with some of the faculty. Brittany is now wielding a cheerleader's megaphone, painted blue with a yellow "L" on the side.) Brittany: (Through megaphone.) MMMMM, well, as everyone knows, Daria and Jodie got suspended for trying to have an article published in the "Lowdown" that exposed a diet pill problem among the cheerleading squad. As head cheerleader, I have to admit I am stunned by this revelation, but Daria had every right to bring this matter not only to my attention but to the rest of the school as well. I think what Ms. Li did in suspending her and Jodie was very out of line. Well, I think we should all protest and all that right now. So, gimme an "F"! Crowd: F! Brittany: Gimme a "R"! Crowd: R! (We now cut to Jake's Lexus pulling up, as we hear in the background Brittany leading everyone in a cheer that spells out "Free speech!" Daria, Jake and Helen now step out.) Helen: My, that is a big crowd. Jake: Let's see what they're up to. (They now approach.) Brittany: (Wrapping up.): What does that spell? Crowd: FREE SPEECH! Brittany: Yeeeeeaaaaah, free speech! (She sees Daria and her parents.) Look, everyone, Daria and her parents are here! (Jake draws near.) Mr. Morgendorffer, do you care to say a few words? Jake: Yeah, sure. (He takes the megaphone.) Hi, everyone. I'm Jake Morgendorffer of Jake Morgendorffer Consulting! Call me if you want any consulting done! (Silence from the crowd.) But, anyway, I just heard about the injustice they did to my kiddo! Crowd: Kiddo? Jake: (Blushing.) Uh, well, it's a long story. (Cut to Daria, who's blushing herself.) Jake: But, anyway, what gives that iron-fisted tyrant Ms. Li the right to do what she did to Daria? Isn't this a free country? We should show her who's boss around here! Burn your draft cards! Burn your bras! Storm the administration building! Stick your tongues out at the fuzz! (Helen goes to Jake and rips the megaphone out of his hands.) Helen: Jake, you're drifting back to your past! Jake: (Meekly.) Sorry, Helen. (He steps back.) Helen: (Using the megaphone herself.) I have to apologize for my dolt of a husband. I'm his wife, Helen. I intend to file a massive lawsuit against Ms. Li, Lawndale High and the Carter County Regional School District for violating Daria's civil rights and force her to allow that article to be published in the paper. (Unaware of what's going on, Helen doesn't realize that Ms. Li has walked up right behind her.) Li: All right, who authorized this demonstration, and what's this about you're going to file a suit against me, Mrs. Morgendorffer? (Helen turns around and now sees Li.) Helen: EEP!!!!!!!!!! Li: I also notice that your daughter is here as well. Well, this is the final straw. Daria is hereby expelled from this school, and I'm going to have her arrested for trespassing. The cops should be here any moment now. (The cops indeed do pull up. They go up to Daria.) Cop # 1: Ma'am, we're going to have to place you under arrest for trespassing. Jake: No! I won't let you pigs take my kiddo! Both cops: Kiddo? (Jake now rushes to rescue Daria. He grabs her, but now Cop # 2 wrestles Jake to the ground. Helen now joins the melee, and soon enough, some students and teachers are in this fracas themselves. We see Barch approach Li.) Barch: Ms. Li, how do we know that you're not really a male scumbag who underwent a sex change operation? Li: I'd better call in the SWAT team and some paddy wagons on this one. Barch: Yeah, go ahead and do that, bitch! (Li loses it and slugs Barch. Pan out to see the general melee going on. That jeering, teasing version of "La-la-LA-la-la!" plays as we now cut to the commercial lead-in, as we see O'Neill looking at Daria's article, Moritomo approaching Li, and Brittany at the rally with the megaphone in a panning montage, with the "Daria" logo superimposed over it.) ================================================================ COMMERCIAL BREAK # 2 ================================================================ Announcer: Coming soon form Mark Zero Fan Fiction: the world's first "Iron Chef" fan fic: "Project Iron Chef: The Curry Battle"! (We now see Kitchen Stadium, where the show takes place. We see the host, Gourmet Academy Chairman Kaga Takeshi approach. Since this is a fan fic, just imagine that you're reading the subtitles. :-) ) Takeshi: Our challenger today comes to us from Graviton High School for Girls in Graviton City. They say she's from another planet, but she seems to make the best curry in her hometown! Please give a warm welcome to Shiko Kotobuki! (We now see C-ko enter Kitchen Stadium, wearing the seirafuku she wore in the first "Project A-ko" movie.) Takeshi: And now, I summon the Iron Chefs! (We now see the Iron Chefs arise from beneath the floor, including Iron Chef French Hiroyuki Sakai, Iron Chef Chinese Chin Kenichi and Iron Chef Japanese Masaharu Moritomo. We hear dramatic music playing in the background.) Takeshi: So, Kotobuki-san, who will it be? (C-ko pauses for a minute to think.) C-ko: (Pointing to Sakai.) That one! (Sakai is seen with a look of shock on his face.) Announcer: See C-ko from "Project A-ko", the worst cook in anime other than Akane Tendo, take on Iron Chef French Hiroyuki Sakai in the Curry Battle! (Cut to Takeshi at the theme ingredient table.) Takeshi: And now I reveal the theme ingredient for today: curry! (The curry arises to the theme ingredient table.) Announcer: Plus, see Shinichiro Ota interview C-ko's friends! (Cut to Shinichiro interviewing A-ko Magami.) Ota: So, Magami-san, what do you think of your friend? A-ko: She's even more half-baked than I ever realized if she thinks she even has a remote chance of beating the Iron Chef! She's the worst cook I've ever known! (As if to steal some of the spotlight, B-ko Daitokuji now approaches.) B-ko: Well, actually, I've tried some of C-ko's cooking, and it isn't half-bad. A-ko: You actually tried it and lived? Make me laugh, B-ko! B-ko: What, are you jealous, A-ko? A-ko: Don't push my buttons, B-ko, or I swear to God I'll knock you clear across to Sapporo! B-ko: Just try! (She now whips off her school uniform and reveals her Akagiyama 23 battlesuit.) AKAGIYAMA MISSILES!!!!!!!!!! (She fires them at A-ko.) Announcer: Don't miss every dramatic moment! (We see C-ko trying to put curry on top of some vanilla ice cream.) Ota: Fukui-san? Kenji Fukui: Yes? Ota: I think Kotobuki-san is adding some of the curry to the vanilla ice cream she's going to be using as dessert! Fukui: That's a rather unorthodox move on her part. Announcer: Will C-ko defy the odds and beat the Iron Chef French? Or will she suffer the humiliation of defeat? And will A-ko keep Captain Napopolita and Spy D away from C-ko long enough to finish this battle? Find out in "Project Iron Chef: The Curry Battle"! Coming soon from Mark Zero Fan Fiction! (Another commercial. We hear "Theme from 'Jaws'" by John Williams playing as we see an ocean, and something yellow sticking out of the surface far away.) Announcer: It's coming soon to your podunk hometown. It is something that will destroy your downtown business district by cutting prices so low local that Mom and Pop business can't stay competitive! (The object gets closer.) It will bust the local unions and not allow its employees to organize! (The object gets closer still.) It will censor the music it sells, never mind that it violates First Amendment rights to free speech. (The object gets even close.) And there is nothing you can do to stop it! (The music reaches its dramatic crescendo as the object now leaps out of the water. It's the Wal-Mart Rollback smiley face, with its menacing jaws open and exposing its razor-sharp teeth.) Wal-Mart. Always destroying downtowns, busting unions and censoring music. Always. And you'd better get used to it, or else! ================================================================ ACT 3 WISE GUYS OF THE ORIENT (My favorite Far Side gag of all time.) ================================================================ Scene 1: The Lawndale Jail (19), 1:15 PM Wednesday. ================================================================ (We see a panoramic view of the holding cells in this shot. We see quite a few people we know in the various cells. We see Daria, Helen and Jake in one of the cells.) Daria: Great going, Mom, Dad; you just made a situation that was already bad to begin with even worse. Helen: We were only trying to stand up for you, sweetie. (We now see Eric Schreter, Helen's boss at the law firm, enter the hallway.) Eric: OK, Helen, you, Jake and Daria are free to go. I posted your bail. Helen: Thanks, Eric. (To Daria.) Now, Daria, we're going to fight this thing to the finish. Daria: Not that it's already happened. Helen: First off, we're going to get an injunction against the expulsion and the suspension. Then we're going to file a suit charging that Ms. Li violated your First Amendment rights. Daria: Mom, this is already a losing cause. Don't make matters worse. Jake: But, kiddo, we're trying to fight for what's right here. Daria: And doing everything wrong in the process. (They pass a cell that has both Jane and Brittany in it.) Jane: Yo! Daria: When are they springing you out? Jane: As soon as Trent comes down with the bail money--just as soon as he wakes up from his mid-afternoon nap. Brittany: Well, my Dad's coming down right away. Daria: Ask him if he can spare enough to spring the both of you out, unless "Mr. Reliable" ever gets his butt out of bed. Jane: Did I detect a streak of bitterness against my big brother there, Daria? Daria: Interpret it anyway you wish, Lane. (She goes with Helen and Jake.) Jane: What did I say? Brittany: (Twirling her fingers around her hair.) MMMMM, beats me, Jane. ================================================================ Scene 2: The Morgendorffer's living room, 3:45 PM Wednesday. Background music: the opening guitars from "Midnight Rambler" by the Rolling Stones. ================================================================ (Daria, Quinn, Jake and Helen are sitting around, trying to figure out what to do next.) Quinn: I'm just lucky I had to go to the ladies room to fix a broken nail and comb my hair before the rally; if I was there, I would have been in jail with the rest of you. Daria: (Sardonic as ever.) Lucky you. Helen: Anyway, I think I have a strategy mapped out now. All we're going to seek from this is nominal damages, which is legalese for $1. Daria: So much for my wild fantasies of wringing millions from Ms. Li and the school district and living the high life off of it for the rest of my days. Helen: However, we will seek to force the school to allow you to publish your story in the paper, and admit that there has been a problem with diet pill abuse among the cheerleading squad, as well as launching an investigation into the situation. Daria: And if we lose? Helen: How can we lose, Daria? I think the evidence will speak for itself. (Daria just rolls her eyes.) ================================================================ Scene 3: The main courtroom of the Carter County Courthouse, Main Street, Lawndale, 9:00 AM Thursday ================================================================ (The courtroom is packed. Daria, Helen, and Jodie are at the plaintiff's table, while a man with blue eyes, brown hair and mustache and wearing a brown suit and black tie is at the defendant's table along with Li. We see quite a lot of people in the crowd behind them, including Lawndale City Judge Kathy Feeder, who's next to Jake.) Jake: So, who's going to be hearing this case? Feeder: If I know my judges around here, it'll most likely be Thomas Berke. He handles cases like this where constitutional issues are at stake. He's known for striking some pretty unorthodox compromises, most of which have held on appeal. Jake: Well, I just hope he isn't a bribe-taking bastard like that Reinhardt idiot is! (We now see Judge Berke enter the room; he's got slicked-back black hair and brown eyes. The bailiff, an old man in a beige uniform, now approaches the bench and stands in front of it.) Bailiff: All rise. State Supreme Court for the County of Lawndale is now in session. The Honorable Thomas L. Berke presiding. (Everyone stands. Berke takes his seat.) Berke: You may be seated. Daria: (Thought voice-over.) I just hope he isn't a jerk like Reinhardt. Helen: If Daria acts up like she did during "Take Your Daughter to Work Day", I'm going to strangle her. (20) Berke: Mr. Clerk, will you please read the title of the first case on the docket for today? (The clerk, an African-American man, in a blue suit and tie, stands up.) Clerk: The first case is "Morgendorffer and Landon v. Li, Lawndale High School and Carter County Regional School District". The plaintiffs are seeking nominal damages and court orders in this case, Your Honor. There is also a separate request for an injunction against the expulsion of the plaintiffs from the defendant's school. Berke: I'm going to handle that one first. I have read the complaint in regard to that action as well as the defendant's documentation on the subject. Since the plaintiffs have been subpoenaed to be here for this trial, it would be a moot point to issue an injunction at this time. However, I will issue such an injunction pending the final disposition of this case. Daria: (To herself.) Score: Li 1, Good Guys 0. Helen: (She should be mad at Daria right now, but she somehow understands how her eldest born feels right now.) Don't write this off just yet, honey. (To Judge Berke.) Your Honor, the prosecution calls as its first witness Daria Morgendorffer. Daria: Ready or not. (Daria goes to the witness stand. The bailiff approaches her with a Bible.) Bailiff: Put your left hand on the Bible and raise your right hand. (She does.) Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you, God? Daria: If I didn't intend to tell the truth, I'd just be wasting my time and yours. (Everyone in the courtroom laughs. Cut to Helen, who rolls her eyes, while Jodie closes her eyes and puts her hand to her head. Judge Berke, however, is laughing along with the others.) Berke: Well, I guess we get the point, Ms. Morgendorffer. Let the record show that she said in so many words, "I do". Please take your seat. (Daria does so.) Will you please state your full name for the record. Daria: Daria Marie Morgendorffer. Berke: And where do you live? Daria: 1111 Glen Oaks Lane, Lawndale. Berke: What do you do for a living? Daria: Until a few days ago I was a student at Lawndale High School. Berke: The counsel for the plaintiffs can now begin her examination of the witness. Helen: Thank you, Your Honor. (She goes to Daria.) Ms. Morgendorffer, can you tell me in your own words your side of the story? Daria: Well, it all began when Ms. Li over there roped Mr. O'Neill, the English teacher, into becoming the new faculty advisor for the school newspaper, the "Lowdown". Li's Lawyer: (Rising.) Objection! The witness is trying to make my client look bad! She doesn't rope anyone into doing anything. Helen: If it please the court, I do have some evidence backing the witness's testimony. Berke: Objection overruled. May I remind the counsel for the defense that it's a given in a civil trial for one side to make the other look bad. He will get his opportunity to discredit the plaintiffs in due course. (The lawyer grumbles to himself as he sits down.) You may continue, Ms. Morgendorffer. Daria: Anyway, Mr. O'Neill then roped Jodie over there into being the new editor, while she roped me into being the new reporter. We were going over possible storylines when Brittany Taylor got a letter for her advice column about a friend of hers who admitted to abusing diet pills. I decided that it would be better handled as a main story. Therefore, we decided to go over to Chrissie Johannsen's house and talk to her. (Cut to Feeder and Jake.) Feeder: She's handling herself pretty well there. Jake: At least she didn't get held in contempt of court like that Reinhardt bastard did. (Cut to Jane, who's sitting a few rows back.) Jane: Good thing Trent called the school and said that I was having a cold. No matter if Daria still has bitter feelings toward Tom and me, I still owe it to be there for her right now. However, I think I should get an ace in the hole just in case. (She gets up. We follow her as she leaves the courtroom and goes to a pay phone. She dials a number. Pause as the phone rings and someone answers.) Yeah, can you get me Tom Sloan, please? ================================================================ Scene 4: The same, about 10:30 AM Thursday. Background music: The opening guitar riffs from "Aneurysm" by Nirvana start up, and the song plays throughout this scene. ================================================================ (A montage sequence begins. We now see Brittany on the witness stand.) Brittany: (Twirling a finger in her hair.) MMMMMM, well, I thought was Daria was trying to do was crazy at first, but then I realized that maybe she had a point. If other people are warned about the dangers of abusing diet pills, then they'd be spared some of the grief Chrissie went through. (Chrissie is now on the stand.) Chrissie: I really thought if I told my story, then it would serve as a warning to others not to do what I did. (Jodie is now on the stand.) Jodie: Frankly, I didn't want Daria doing this story, but now I realize that we had an obligation to publish that story. If all a newspaper printed was good news, it would not be doing its duty to inform the public. (O'Neill is at the stand.) O'Neill: Well--er--um--er. Berke: Mr. O'Neill, are you a bit nervous? O'Neill: Well, Your Honor, I don't really like being in a trial like this. It kind of makes me a bit nervous. (Berke just shakes his head.) (Cut now to Li on the stand.) Li's Lawyer: Now, Ms. Li, did you or did you not reasonably exercise your powers--as been clearly defined and upheld in numerous court cases--to suppress this story because it would have made the school look bad? Li: Yes, I did. Li's Lawyer: And were your actions towards the plaintiffs well justified in this case? Li: Yes, they were. Li's Lawyer: No further questions. (To Helen.) Your witness, Mrs. Morgendorffer. (Helen now approaches Li. Li shoots a hostile glance at Helen.) Helen: Ms. Li, are you aware of a famous case that happened in 1735, when "New York Weekly Journal" publisher John Peter Zenger was sued for libel by Colonial Governor William Cosby? Li: Indeed I am, Mrs. Morgendorffer. Helen: Then you are aware that in that case, the jury acquitted Zenger because they felt that he had a right to criticize Governor Cosby's conduct in office? Li: I am well aware of that as well. Helen: Very well. Then, do you agree that the press has the right to expose wrongdoing in government, no matter how embarrassing it may be to it? Li: Yes, to an extent. Helen: And what do you mean by "to an extent"? Li: I know where you're trying to get here, Mrs. Morgendorffer, and it simply won't work. You're trying to say that First Amendment guarantees should be absolute for school newspapers, and I don't intend to agree. People like the defendants are still too young to know better. If they ran something like this in the "New York Times", I could sue them for libel. Helen: But the "Times" is out of your control now, isn't it? The "Lowdown" is. Let's face facts, Ms. Li; the "Lowdown" is nothing more than Lawndale High's version of "Pravda". (21) Li: Does it make me like Josef Stalin or Nikolai Lenin if I decide what goes into the Lowdown or not? I'm just acting as its de facto publisher. Helen: More like its censor, if you ask me. Li: (Her temper's beginning to rise.) OK, OK, I will admit it. The article the defendants were going to publish would have brought dishonor to Lawndale High, and it would have opened a can of worms. How do we know if there aren't any other students taking drugs, or any teachers for that matter? Helen: Oh, now you prefer to sweep it under the rug now? Li's Lawyer: Objection! The counsel for the plaintiffs is badgering the witness! Li: (Ignoring her lawyer.) Well, kids these days are so unruly, Mrs. Morgendorffer. You have to watch them like a hawk. Helen: By turning their school into a maximum security prison? No wonder Andrew Landon's vowing to make some changes if he's elected to the Board of Education. (22) Li: Sniping bitch! Helen: Fascist pig! Li: (Losing it.) Alllllllllll riiiiiiiiight, Mrs. Morgendorffer, as Mills Lane says on "Celebrity Deathmatch", "Let's get it on!" (She broadsides Helen. She now leaps out of the stand and tackles her. They now get into fisticuffs. Berke bangs on the gavel as the bailiff and the clerk separate the Helen and Li.) Berke: All right! May I see both parties in my chambers immediately? This court will recess for about an hour! (Bangs the gavel.) Daria: (To Jodie.) Well, at least I'm not the one who's facing a contempt charge and possible fines and community service time. (Jodie closes her eyes and puts her hand to her forehead.) ================================================================ Scene 5: Judge Berke's chambers, 2:30 PM Thursday. ================================================================ (Berke is at his desk, with Helen and Li across from him. Daria, Jodie and Li's Lawyer are all here as well, sitting at a nearby couch.) Berke: Well, it goes without saying that the two of you showed some spirit out there. However, that's the kind of spirit that could land you a sixty-day stint at the Carter County Jail. Now, unless we reach some sort of accommodation here, that is exactly what the both of you are going to get. (Helen and Li glance daggers at each other.) Daria: Well, I guess my dad's going to be doing the cooking for a while. Li: (Pointing at Helen.) She started it by badgering me. Helen: Well, Ms. "Run the School Like It was Alcatraz", you started it with your imperious attitude. Jodie: This is getting nowhere. (Suddenly, Berke's Secretary, a woman with a auburn bob and blue eyes, and wearing a dark blue suit, enters.) Secretary: Your Honor, I know you're busy, but there are a few people here who say they have some evidence relevant to the case you're trying. Berke: Well, don't just stand there, send them in. (The Secretary stands aside, and we see Jane, Tom, and Charles Ruttheimer III, alias Upchuck, enter the chambers. Upchuck has with him an envelope while Jane has a metal container with her. Everyone looks on at amazement.) Jane: If it pleases the court, I have here some rather damaging evidence against the defendant that I wish he can consider. Li's Lawyer: Objection! The court is still in recess! Berke: Overruled; if it can lead to an out-of-court settlement, I'll admit it. Tom: Thank you, Your Honor. Anyway, Jane here told me about the time Daria here was with the Lawndale High Marching Band for Lawndale Days. It was then that Ms. Li here did another wrong to her--a wrong which until now has more or less been kept under wraps. Upchuck: And that's where I come in. It would seem that Ms. Li here bribed a certain Judge Cornelius J. Reinhardt here to award first prize to the Marching Band, which by all rights should have been won by Mystik Spiral. I just happened to be in the area at the time when I took some rather damning photos of the exchange, photos that I later used to convince Ms. Li to do some favors for me. However, she's never gotten the negatives from me. Unless Ms. Li decides to give Daria a break here, I intend to submit these photos to the Buzz and let Daria write a story about it. . .not to mention providing some grist for Mr. Landon's campaign for Board of Education. Li: Mr. Ruttheimer! How dare you! Helen: Daria, how did you know about this? (23) Daria: Well, it was a few weeks after Lawndale Days. . . (Misty dissolve back to a few weeks after Lawndale Days, in front of the Pizza King on Main Street. Daria and Jane are heading there while Upchuck approaches.) Upchuck: Oh, ladies! Daria: Heaven help us; it's Upchuck. Jane: I'm afraid God is on His lunch hour right now. Please leave a message at the sound of the beep and perhaps He'll get back to you immediately upon His return. Upchuck: Do either of you ladies want to go out with me tonight? Daria: Would you like me to smack you upside the head with a pair of brass knuckles? Upchuck: Ooooo, you're really feisty today, aren't you, Daria? Jane: Upchuck, we're giving you five seconds to scram before we do some serious bodily harm to you. Upchuck: Oh, but I have some rather shocking news to tell you first. Daria: And that is? Upchuck: The talent contest at the recent Lawndale Days was rigged. Jane: Oh, really? Were the band members given the answers beforehand like Charles Van Doran was in the game show "Twenty-One"? Upchuck: No, but it seems Ms. Li bribed a certain Judge Reinhardt to award first prize to the Lawndale High Marching Band. Daria: You're making this up. Upchuck: Well, (He whips out the negatives.) this should be proof positive. (Daria and Jane look at the negatives. They now have looks of shock on their faces.) Daria: Dammit, those bastards! Trent and Mystik Spiral were probably robbed of their greatest chance to get a recording contract no thanks to those two! Jane: Are you sure you're not making this up, Upchuck? Upchuck: The pictures don't lie, my ladies. Daria: OK, thanks for bringing this up. Now we'll be generous and give you a ten second start before we kill you. Upchuck: I can take a hint, ladies! (He goes.) ROWR! Feisty! (Misty dissolve back to the present.) Daria: And that's how I know about this. Upchuck: Well, Ms. Li, I am open to a deal here. Daria: And, if not, I hope you and Judge Reinhardt can be good bunkmates in prison. . .that is, if you survive the lynch mob that will probably try and attack you if this ever gets out. Li: (Knowing that her back's to the wall this time.) OK, OK, I'll accept a summary judgment on this case, IF Mr. Ruttheimer destroys those negatives. Upchuck: A deal's a deal! (He takes the envelope, while Jane opens the container. It contains sulfuric acid. Upchuck drops the envelope into the container, and we see smoke arise from the container as the acid destroys the envelope.) Berke: OK, here's my summary judgment on this case. I think both sides do have strong points on this matter. On the one hand, (Pointing to Helen.) Mrs. Morgendorffer does make a strong point about the First Amendment. On the other hand, (Pointing to Li.) Ms. Li does also make a strong point about a school's prerogative to prevent embarrassing information being printed against it by its own paper. Therefore, my judgment is going to be a compromise. Ms. Li does have the right not to let the defendants' article appear in the "Lowdown". However, that does not mean that the defendants can't submit it to a publication outside of the jurisdiction of the high school. Daria: Well, I guess the "Buzz" will be happy to get their mitts on this story. Berke: Furthermore, I'm reducing the penalty Ms. Li gave to the defendants to time served, and I hereby order Ms. Li to fully investigate the diet pill abuse problem in the cheerleading squad, and make a report of it to the media. Covering up problems like this will not make them go away. Now, if everyone doesn't mind, I intend to announce this decision in court. (He gets up and goes.) Daria: Well, I guess everyone got what they wanted in this case--mainly a lot of grief for everyone. Li: Just savor you Phyrric victory while you can, Ms. Morgendorffer. Next time you do something like this, I'll see to it that you can't get an education anywhere in this state! (She storms out of the room.) Upchuck: Now, if everyone doesn't mind, I'm going to be going myself. (To Tom.) I'd keep my eye on Jane if I were you, she's very feisty. Jane: Go now before I scratch your eyes out. Upchuck: ROWR! Helen: Well, I guess we've got that unpleasantness out of the way. Daria: That's what you think. ================================================================ Scene 6: The Morgendorffer's living room, 8:30 AM Sunday. Background music: the opening bars of "I Feel You" by Depeche Mode. ================================================================ (Jake enters with the Sunday papers, including the "Buzz". Daria, Helen and Quinn are sitting around. The TV is on the News 12 Lawndale cable channel. [24] ) Jake: Hey, kiddo, your story made the front page! (He gives the paper to Daria.) Daria: "Diet Pill Scandal at Lawndale High: A Courageous Cheerleader Speaks Out." By Daria Morgendorffer. Quinn: Daria, I think there's something about it on the TV as well. (We see a pharmacy somewhere downtown. A pharmacist is being led out of it in handcuffs.) Reporter: (Off-camera.) Thanks to the article "Lawndale High Lowdown" reporter Daria Morgendorffer wrote, which was later rejected by Principal Angela Li but now appearing in the weekly alternative newspaper the "Lawndale Buzz", Ms. Li launched an investigation into abuse of diet pills by the cheerleading squad. Thanks in large part by cheerleader Chrissie Johansen, a local pharmacist who was dispensing the pills without a prescription to several members has just been arrested for violating Federal and state laws in this matter. If convicted he could face at least ten years in prison and the loss of his pharmacist's license. (The doorbell rings. Daria goes to answer it. She sees Chrissie there.) Daria: Chrissie, what brings you here? Chrissie: Daria, I just want to thank you for getting that article printed. Thanks to you, hopefully no one else on the cheerleading team will abuse diet pills. Daria: You mean I actually made a difference this time out? Chrissie: You have indeed, Daria. Thanks again. I've got to go now. I've got to be at church right now. Take care. (She goes.) Helen: (Approaching Daria.) See that, Daria, you've actually helped someone turn her life around. Daria: And I think there are some people who don't appreciate that, Mom. ================================================================ Scene 7: Ms. Li's apartment, 8:40 AM Sunday. ================================================================ (Li is sitting here, brooding.) Li: Oh, Ms. Morgendorffer, you think you've got me licked, don't you? Well, I'll be watching you, as well as Ms. Landon and her father. You even try to embarrass me or bring dishonor to Lawndale High ever again--you will be finished! (She slams her fist onto a nearby table.) (The last thing we see is Li's stern face. The closing theme from the British comedy series "Hot Metal" begins to play as we cut to the alter egos. The alter egos are: DeMartino, Andrew Landon and Tom as Hannibal Smith , B. A. Baracus and Murdoch, respectively, from "The *A* Team"; Daria as Trent; Max Tyler as Mr. Clean; Jane as Ripley from the "Alien" movies; Brittany as Corky Sherwood from "Murphy Brown"; Quinn as Sonia Blade from "Mortal Kombat"; Upchuck as former President Jimmy Carter; Trent as Ricky Ricardo from "I Love Lucy"; Jesse as Piccolo from "Dragon Ball Z"; and Jake as New York State Governor George Pataki at the Speaker's Podium of the State Assembly chamber, delivering the State of the State Address, with O'Neill and Eric Schreter on either side of him as New York State Troopers. The "Daria" logo can be seen as the closing credits end. Fade to a shot of sweaty hands over a piece of gray metal as an ominous timpani drumroll can be heard in the background; the left hand is holding a gray die while the right hand is holding a sledgehammer with a black head and yellow handle. The sledgehammer hits into the die twice, with a loud "CLANG!" each time. However, at the second time, the hammer hits into the left thumb, causing it to redden and swell. The person holding the hammer and die drops them, and then turns to the audience; he's none other than the author of the story himself, a man with brown curly hair, blue eyes and glasses. He screams "OUCH! I HIT MYSELF WITH THE !@#$%^& HAMMER!", then walks away. We now see that a red computer zero [a zero with a slash through it] has been chiseled into the metal. Above the zero is white Roman lettering saying "MARK", while white Roman lettering below it says "FAN FICTION," and below that is white Roman lettering saying "UNLIMITED". We now hear kettledrums booming as "Bugler's Dream", the theme music ABC used for its Olympic coverage in the 1970's and 1980's, begins, and we see a special logo that says "MARK ZERO FAN FICTION: THE OFFICIAL FAN FICTION COMPANY OF THE 2000 SUMMER OLYMPICS". Then we see a picture of the author, below which is the caption "PETER W. GUERIN: THE OFFICIAL O'NEILL/BARCH 'SHIPPER OF THE 2000 SUMMER OLYMPICS". Fade to black.) ================================================================ ENDNOTES ================================================================ (1) The title is a pun on the British comedy series "Hot Metal", which dealt with the harried editor of a British newspaper that at first is devoted to telling the truth, until a media mogul buys it out and turns it into a typical tabloid.--Peter Murdoch. (2) The first two incidents happened in C. E. Forman's "Rain on Your Parade", "Quinntet" and "Taking Debate", while the last happened in "Daria's Slapshot".--Recap Peter. (3) That spat between Jodie and Andrew happened in C. E. Forman's "No Picnic".--Ranger Peter Smith. (4) Daria decided to take on a part-time position with the Lawndale alternative weekly in "This is Spinal Crap".--Peter Grant. (5) This was revealed in "Karen Carpenter Blues".--Peter Craig. (6) That's my tip of the hat to C. E. Forman. The Rivermen are with the East Coast Hockey League, a minor league. I wonder if he's up to a friendly wager on who will win the next time the Rivermen take on the Trenton (New Jersey) Titans, the nearest ECHL team to me? :-) --Adirondack IceHawks Fanatic Peter. (7) That's my tip of the hat to Michelle Klein-Häss. In her story "Bombed!", Daria does indeed get an iMac, but only after her current computer bites the dust.--Peter Jobs. (8) That's my tip of the hat to William Fowler, alias SickSadGuy, whose own computer does that whenever he gets new E-mail.--Sick, Sad Peter. (9) Judge Kathy Feeder was introduced in "No Nudes is Good Nudes". --The Hon. Peter W. Guerin, Hudson Falls Village Judge. (10) That happened in C. E. Forman's "A Morgendorffer Scorned". --Peter O'Neill. (11) Arlen is the town where Mike Judge's other well-known series "King of the Hill" takes place.--Peter Hill. (12) Anyone who remembers the original "Transformers" knows that it was that particular weapon Megatron transformed into.--Petermus Prime. (13) That's another tip of the hat to Michelle Klein-Häss, who is a devoted fan of the show.--Peter Moritomo, Iron Chef Backyard Grill. (14) Kae Hanazawa sang the theme to "Bishôjo Senshi Sailor Moon Sailor Stars", the fifth and final season of the original Japanese version of "Sailor Moon".--Peter Tsukino. (15) That happened in the classic "Beavis and Butt-Head" episode "No Laughing".--Peter (Mheh-heh-heh-heh-heh-heh!) Guerin (Uh-huh-huh-huh- huh-huh-huh!) (He said "Peter"!) :-) (16) I don't know how it works in your state, but here in New York, Supreme Court (which is actually a mid-level court, the highest court being known as the Court of Appeals) handles large claims lawsuits and divorces (in New York City, it is given the additional responsibility of hearing felony cases).--Judge Peter T. Stone, Manhattan Criminal Court Part 2. (17) Reinhardt is mentioned in C. E. Forman's "To Helen Back", "Rain on Your Parade", "Quinntet" and "Driven Wild".--P. W. Guerin. (18) That's my tip of the hat to Kara Wild. In her story "Primarily Color", Jodie accuses Sandi of sending her a racist letter. --The Rev. Peter Sharpton. (19) The Lawndale Jail was introduced in "Triumph of the 'Retart'". --Warden Peter. (20) That happened in C. E. Forman's "To Helen Back".--Peter Wapner. (21) The now defunct major daily newspaper of the former Soviet Union. --Comrade Peter. (22) This will be looked at further in "Dirty Campaign".--Peter McCain. (23) Daria alluded to Trent in "Return of the Lawndale Militia" that she found out about the bribery from Upchuck later on; how she found out is going to be revealed here for the first time.--Peter Eastman. (24) News 12 Long Island was introduced in "No Nudes is Good Nudes" .--Peter Chronkite. ================================================================ THE END ================================================================ THIS HAS BEEN AN EXCLUSIVE CREATION OF MARK ZERO FAN FICTION, UNLIMITED! ================================================================ "Home of the World's Weirdest Fan Fiction" ================================================================ "The Official Fan Fiction Company of the 2000 Olympics" ================================================================ Home page: http://direct.at/markzero.com or http://www.crosswinds.net/~peterguerin ================================================================ E-mail: markzero@zdnetmail.com AOL Instant Messenger: petergerin ICQ: 48647033 ================================================================ Subscription list: http://MarkZeroUpdate.ListBot.com ================================================================ CLANG! 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