CONTINUITY: This story takes place during the mid-season break of S4. Daria: "Lovers' Lane" by John Berry [berry@adelphia.net] proofed by Martin J. Pollard "Daria" & characters ©1999-2000 MTV... why do disclaimers have to be long? ACT I [Ext. park.] [Daria and Trent sit on a bench.] DARIA: You know, Trent... I'm not really sure how to say this... TRENT: Don't bother, m'love... I think I know what you're trying to say... I love you too. DARIA: Oh, Trent. TRENT: I've even written a song about you. [Pulls a guitar out of nowhere] She'd be a venus flytrap if she could be a flower-ya. If she was a mosquito she'd like to spread malaria. But she doesn't act like a dope, even on a dare-ia. And that describes Daria. DARIA: That was... [loss for words] nice. TRENT: Thanks. You were the inspiration. DARIA: I figured. [They kiss.] [Int. Jane's room.] [Jane suddenly wakes up.] JANE: Whoa!... Whew. For a moment I thought all the fun had gone out of my life. [Reaches for a clock on the floor] What time is it?... Oh, eight. It's still early. TRENT: [Walking by the door] Janey, it's 8:00pm. JANE: D'oh, whoops. TRENT: You and Daria coming to the Zen tonight? JANE: Oh, of course... [to herself] Tormenting my only friend is what I live for. [Smirks] [Est. Zen. Night.] [Mystik Spiral is heard playing.] [Int. Zen.] [Mystik Spiral on-stage, Daria, Jane and Tom somewhere among the crowd.] TRENT: I can show that I care. I can cry, I can share. Got my brain in a sensitive whirl. But please tell me why Being such a modern guy Makes me feel like a bearded girl! JANE: This sounds oddly familiar. DARIA: Hafta admit it's one of their catchier tunes. [The song wraps up.] TRENT: We're Mystik Spiral... At least right now... We're thinking of changing the name... Might be something else in the future... But for now we're Mystik Spiral. JESSE: Cool. JANE: [To Tom] We're all gonna go for something to eat. You gonna come? TOM: Um... Nah. Gotta go make sure my car doesn't implode. See you tomorrow, though. JANE: Seeya. [He leaves. Trent and Jesse walk up.] JANE: Hey, guys. Cluster Burger as usual? TRENT: Nah. I heard of this place outta town I wanna try out, if that's all right. DARIA: Sure... Uh, where's the rest of your band? TRENT: Max said something about making sure that his van didn't implode. I think Nick just got lost trying to find his way offstage again. JANE: No van, eh? We stuck with your jalopy, then? TRENT: Hey, it's a good car... Well, at least in comparison to your guy's. DARIA: Compared to Tom's car, the Hindenburg was a good blimp. [Trent snickers.] JANE: All that aside, let's go. I'm hungry. JESSE: Cool. [Ext. Zen.] [The four walk up to Trent's car.] JANE: [Mischievous Yenta-gears spinning] Hey, Daria. Why don't you sit up front? Jess and I can sit in the back. DARIA: [Unflinching] Okay. JANE: Heh heh heh... Wah? DARIA: Let's go. [Int. Trent's car. Driving.] [D&T in front, J&J in back.] JANE: [Mumbling] Where did my evil plan go amiss? DARIA: So what is this place? TRENT: Oh, you'll see when we get there. [On cue, the car sputters and dies. Trent coasts to the side of the road.] DARIA: And now it shall remain a mystery. JESSE: Uncool. [Ext. Trent's car, by the street.] [They exit, Trent going to open the hood. A puff of smoke poofs out as he does.] TRENT: Damn. JANE: Well, I saw a gas station a while back. Daria, maybe you and-- DARIA: [Unnaturally loud] Say, why don't Jesse and I go to the gas station for help?! You and Trent can stay here and see if you can find out what's wrong! JANE: Um... o-okay. JESSE: Cool. TRENT: Sure, thanks, Daria. [Pan to follow Daria and Jesse walking back the way they came.] JESSE: You sure seemed anxious to get away from them. DARIA: Yeah. JESSE: ...You don't, like, have a thing for me, do you? [Daria makes and expression that can only be described as "a face."] [Back at the car, Jane sits on the roof while Trent smokes a cigarette while checking the engine.] JANE: Trent... am I becoming--? TRENT: Predictable? Of course not. JANE: ...Right. Never mind. But you haven't noticed anything different about Daria, have you? [Pause.] BOTH: No. JANE: Right, of course you didn't. [Ext. gas station.] [Daria and Jesse walk towards it.] JESSE: It's not that I don't like you-- DARIA: It's not that, okay? I just needed to get away from Jane for a while. She just never knows when to stop. And I'm tired of playing her little games, so I'll just play my *own*. [Jesse tries to comprehend this.] DARIA: Just say "cool" and forget about it. JESSE: Cool. DARIA: Thanks. [They enter the station.] [Ext. Trent's car.] JANE: I mean, I've been the same kind of friend to her for almost two years! Why would she wait till now to screw around with my head?... I should tell her that. What do *you* think I should do? TRENT: Run. JANE: Yes, that is a hobby of mine, but that won't-- TRENT: No! Run! [He does] [Jane hops off the roof and follows her brother. The car explodes in a giant fireball and a load of cool special effects! The Lanes dive for cover, sister raising a questioning eyebrow to brother.] TRENT: I, um... dropped my cigarette into the car. JANE: OHHH, good one! [A tow truck arrives just in time to NOT do anything helpful, carrying Daria and Jesse.] JESSE: Ya think you can fix it? DRIVER: Uh, well... no. I'm not the mechanic. Besides, repairing twisted burning wreckage is not anyone's forte that I am aware of. [They notice what he's speaking of.] DARIA & JESSE: GAH! [Ext. Lane house.] [A cab pulls up and drops off the four. Trent lingers to pay the cabby, Jesse goes inside, and Jane and Daria stand by the mailbox.] JANE: Daria, I need to ask you. What's been your deal tonight? DARIA: Jane... I'm tired. JANE: I don't care how late it is! I want to know what's going on! DARIA: I just *told* you what's going on! I am tired! I'm tired of you and your tormenting me with your brother. It's old, you've done it way too often, and nothing has changed. You think torturing one of your only friends is hilarious. Well, ha ha. Oh, my sides. It's gut- busting. If that's your real view of our friendship, then I'll see you *later*. [Heads home] [Jane appears to be thinking of several come-backs at once, failing to get any of them to her lips. Trent comes up to her.] TRENT: Hey, where's Daria? [Jane turns around, trying even harder to come up with a smart-ass remark to no avail. She gives up and heads inside.] TRENT: Um, okay. [Est. Lawndale High. Next day.] [Int. Lawndale High hallway.] [Daria is going through her locker when Jane walks up to her.] JANE: Hey, Daria? I did some thinking last night. [Daria turns to her friend as if to say something.] JANE: And please don't do a "that's a surprise" line. They're obvious and unsporting. [Daria shrugs and turns back to her locker.] JANE: I was just *thinking* about how you were right yesterday. I shouldn't torture you just because it's fun. And believe me, I *would* only torture people I *hate*, but they'd hit me. I promise not to intentionally embarrass you like that again. DARIA: Alright, alright. I forgive you. JANE: Oh... good... DARIA: Yup. [Pause.] DARIA: Hmm, things wrapped up a bit quicker than usual. JANE: Oh. Yeah... Now what? DARIA: Oh, let's just do what we normally do. JANE: Yeah, something interesting is bound to happen within the next twenty minutes or so. [Ext. Morgendorffer house. Afternoon.] JAKE: [V.O.] I am so ashamed! [Int. Morgendorffer kitchen.] [Jake is sobbing into his hands. Helen tries to comfort him to her best ability, she really does. Daria and Quinn enter.] DARIA: No, Quinn, I don't think I'd like to switch to prescription sunglasses. The whole point of glasses is to see better, not to cause me to stumble around in the dark. QUINN: Oh, Daria. As far as I'm concerned, you're already stumbling around in the dark. DARIA: Now, now, now, Quinn. I-- um, Dad? What now? Lose another client? JAKE: [Sobs harder] Great, just remind me of *that*. HELEN: [Sighs] That did happen, yes. But that's not what's upsetting him so. [Quieter] He didn't pass his driver's license renewal. JAKE: [Desperately] But I passed the written test! HELEN: [Back in comfort-mode] Yes, yes you did, Jakey. QUINN: [Confused] Okay, if he did pass the written part... DARIA: [To Quinn] There's still the actual driving part of the test. HELEN: Yes, he, um, had a little problem with those road cones. JAKE: I don't get what the problem was! I hit every one! DARIA: Road rage lead to his downfall? HELEN: ...Pretty much. QUINN: [Mostly to herself] Wonder why that took so long. DARIA: So it's galloping upon horseback for him for a while? HELEN: Oh, don't be silly. He'll just have to car pool or take some public transportation for a bit. He'll get back on his feet. JAKE: Yeah... sure... DARIA: The problem is, he IS on his feet now. JAKE: Why?! WHY?! HELEN: Oh, for... DARIA: Why don't *you* drive Dad to work for the time being? HELEN: Oh, um... [Gets a pitiful look from Jake] Sure, yeah. I could take him. But he gets off work before I do. JAKE: Ohh, yeah. HELEN: Well, here's an idea, Daria. Why don't *you* drive him home? DARIA: Wha? HELEN: Sure! If you feel like guilting me into extra responsibility, why can't you at least join me? DARIA: [Slightly nervous] Um... right. JAKE: Thanks, guys... erm, girls. It's nice to know I can count on my family. DARIA: .....Riiiiight. QUINN: Yeesh, Daria, what's with your driving jitters, anyway? DARIA: I just don't feel comfortable in a car. [Int. Jane's room.] [Trent lies across Jane's bed, stomach down, chatting with his painting sister. She's recreating the explosion Trent's vehicle went through.] TRENT: I just don't feel comfortable without a car. JANE: Even after Trent plus cig minus common sense equals kaboom? TRENT: Well, yeah. As run down, crappy, uncolorful it was, it was like my sanctuary. JANE: That's how you describe the basement. TRENT: ...Okay, it was more like my sanctuary on wheels. JANE: Ya still got the Tank. TRENT: That's Max's. As generous as he is, I can't use the Tank *all* the time. JANE: So quit whinin' and get another car. You can afford it. TRENT: I can? JANE: Maybe not, like, a Ferruh-Ri, but you could still get *some*thing. I mean, look at how much Tom spent on his. TRENT: Oh. Yeah, right. I could get one *better* than his, actually... No offense. JANE: Should I take any? TRENT: [Getting up] I *could* get one. A "budget" car. Maybe I could even get one with handles this time... [walks to the door] [Jane's bad conscience (just a miniature "devil" version of Jane) appears on her shoulder in a puff of smoke.] BAD JANE: Go ahead! Suggest Daria help him out! She'll thank you for it later. JANE: Wuh, oh, I dunno... [Looks at her other shoulder] Hey, where's the good guy? BAD JANE: Like you ever listen to her anyway. JANE: Oh, true... Any other time would be different, though. This time I *promised* Daria I wouldn't meddle. BAD JANE: C'mon. JANE: No. BAD JANE: Chicken. JANE: Hey! BAD JANE: Wussy girl. JANE: Okay, that does it! [She swats for her bad-self, who flies away. She keeps batting at the air and missing.] [Cut to Trent who's been watching from the doorway. Jane's conscience is obviously unseen to him as she flails her arms at nothing in particular.] TRENT: Looks like Janey's having one of her paint-fume hallucinations again. Guess I'd better open a window. [Int. Lawndale High hallway.] [D&J walking.] JANE: You owe me. DARIA: What? JANE: ...Never mind. DARIA: Good; I have enough problems as it is. JANE: No, no, my friend. *I* have the problems. DARIA: You *are* a problem. [Int. O'Neill's junior class.] O'NEILL: We have a problem. Heh. Um, pop quiz, everyone. [Class groans.] O'NEILL: [Hands papers to the front row] Take one, pass back. I'll be right back. [Hastily exits] DARIA: What do you suppose was *his* hurry? KEVIN: Maybe he had that prune juice from the school cafeteria breakfast and had to-- DARIA: No. JANE: I doubt it. [Groan] But I did. [Runs out] KEVIN: [Hushed] Psst, Daria. What's the answer to the first question? DARIA: You mean under "write your name here"? KEVIN: Yeah. [Int. Lawndale High hallway.] [Jane exits the restroom.] JANE: That's the last time I drink that stuff... This time I mean it. [Jane goes to stop at a water fountain. A couple of faint voices somewhere down the hall catch her attention. She shrugs and heads toward the sound (why go right back to class when the teacher ain't watching?). The voices become more audible as she finds the source to be from the teacher's lounge. She holds a ear to the door.] BARCH: [V.O. from within] I should've known it would come to this! O'NEILL: [V.O.] B-but Janet-- BARCH: [V.O.] It's Ms. Barch to you, you... you MAN! [Barch exits, slamming the door open, crushing Jane behind it. O'Neill tries to follow, tears forming in his eyes.] O'NEILL: I didn't, I mean I-- [The door creaks away from the wall as Jane collapses, startling O'Neill.] O'NEILL: Oh! Oh, dear! [Helps her up] Jane, are you alright? JANE: [Weakly] Glurk... [slides out of O'Neill's grip to the floor again] O'NEILL: Oh dear oh dear! [Dissolve to:] [Int. Nurse Chase's office.] [Jane is lying on the couch with an ice pack on her head. O'Neill hovers over her.] O'NEILL: Jane, I am really, really sorry about that. JANE: [Mumbling] Well, don't be. It wasn't really your fault. O'NEILL: Well, not directly, perhaps. But... I did make Ms. Barch exit so angrily, indirectly causing your injury. I guess it was a cause and effect thing. JANE: If you don't mind me asking, what the hell did you do to get her so pissed in the first place? I mean, usually you two are like glue... or more like suction cups, if you get my drift. [Raises an eyebrow] O'NEILL: [Matter-of-factly] No, I don't, but I'll put that aside for now. [Reluctant] I guess, maybe, it all started when I suggested, maybe, that we maybe see other people. JANE: [Shocked, sits up] You dumped her?! [Reaches into her pocket, but doesn't pull anything out] O'NEILL: No! That's what she thinks, too! I keep *explaining* that that's not what I'm saying at all and she just won't believe me! JANE: So what *was* it that you were trying to say? O'NEILL: Well... I *appreciate* her, as you well know. But... I just think that... she should go see more people. Find out that there *are* more men worth a second look. JANE: [Feels that there's more] ...Yessss? O'NEILL: And... I guess, I thought if she only stuck by me, I'd eventually really screw up, causing her to lose faith in all things male. I just didn't want to break her heart in the future. JANE: So instead, you did it now. O'NEILL: ...I guess it doesn't make that much sense when you look at it that way. JANE: [Serious] No... it doesn't. O'NEILL: [Starts to leave] So... you'll be okay? JANE: Peachy. You? O'NEILL: [Pauses at the doorway] ...I don't know. [Exits] [School bell segue:] [Int. Barch's junior class.] BARCH: Today, there shall be no schoolwork. [The class *begins* to cheer, *but*:] BARCH: *Instead*, there shall be cold, hard, manual labor! All you men, you shall be scrubbing the entire room... wiiiiiith... a Kleenex! And be careful: you only get one. MACK: Each? BARCH: Overall. Hope you know how to share. DARIA: Aaaaand what shall we females be doing, again? BARCH: [Waves a dismissive hand] Ah, I dunno. Just... mingle. MACK: Is it at least an aloe Kleenex? BARCH: Hey, shut up! [Cut to later. Each male has a bit of tissue at the end of his finger, using it to wipe some part of the room. Most girls are just talking or reading. Jane, however, takes this moment to confront Ms. Barch, who is grading papers.] JANE: Heyyy, yo. Can I talk with you for a second, Miss Sciencey Teacher Person? BARCH: Why, certainly, Jane. JANE: Alone? BARCH: Mm? [Int. Lawndale High hallway.] [The two stand outside Barch's room.] BARCH: Hey, who gave you that bruise on your head? Some man, no doubt. JANE: Uh, actually, you did. BARCH: What? JANE: Listen, I didn't ask you to come here on account of my noggin. It's about... "Skinny." You know he loves you. BARCH: And *you* know that that's a load of hot air. He's out skirt chasing and just wanted me to-- JANE: Blah-blah-blah-blah-blah! Look, listen to it in his own words. [pulls a tape recorder from her pocket] I usually keep one of these on hand for emergency blackmail fodder, it seems to have another purpose at this point. Now listen. [She hits the play button. The Mission Impossible theme plays for a few seconds.] JANE: Um, oops. Hang on. [She stops the tape, flips it over, hits play again.] O'NEILL: [V.O. on tape] Well... I *appreciate* her, as you well know. But... I just think that... she should go see more people. Find out that there *are* more men worth a second look. JANE: [Tape's V.O.] ...Yessss? O'NEILL: [V.O.] And... I guess, I thought if she only stuck by me, I'd eventually really screw up, causing her to lose faith in all things male. I just didn't want to break her heart in the future. JANE: [V.O.] So instead, you did it now. O'NEILL: [V.O.] ...I guess it doesn't make that much sense when you look at it that way. [Jane stops the tape. Pause.] BARCH: ...Awww... hell. JANE: It was easier just to believe he was a jerk, wasn't it? BARCH: Always is... Damn it! Why is it that of all the men I hate, I can never stay mad at *him*?! JANE: Would you *rather* stay mad at the only member of the opposite sex who seems to care about you? BARCH: [Somewhat cross at herself] ...Ahhh, I'm gettin' soft. [Int. Barch's junior class.] [Barch enters, the class doing the same they were before.] BARCH: Alright, you people, I'll be right back. Oh, and men?... Um, you can each get your own separate tissue. [Leaves] KEVIN: Alright! We're wearin' her down! BARCH: [Poking her head back in] And don't think you're wearing me down. [Exits again] KEVIN: Oh, shoot. [Int. Lawndale High hallway. After class.] [D&J walkin'.] DARIA: What did you do to her? JANE: *For* her, not to her. I just... sorta patched things up. Then she immediately wanted to apologize to O'Neill in her own special way in that love shack known as the teachers' lounge. [Daria thinks about this a second, then shudders.] DARIA: Why must you ram these disturbing images into my skull? JANE: Hey, love is a beautiful thing... If the two people *in* love happen to be beautiful, anyway. So I guess I see your point. Anyway, it was sorta interesting. Meddling in Auntie Gruesome's and Percy Dovetonsils' territory was a bit more... *fun* than annoying *you*. DARIA: How? JANE: I dunno. I guess cuz, well, my meddling *succeeded* this time. DARIA: I'm not sure what to think of that because I'm trying to calculate a way to avoid the person heading towards us. JANE: What? [Looks ahead] Oh. Pootie. Too late. EVAN: [Walks up] Oh, great. We meet again. JANE: Yes, we do. EVAN: I still hate you. JANE: And I still hate you. DARIA: No use flirting with her anymore, Evan. She's taken. [Evan looks at Daria a second.] EVAN: I *knew* it! DARIA: Not *me*, you idiot. EVAN: And where did you get this "flirting" idea from? As I've stated, we hate each other. JANE: Really hate. Yup. EVAN: [To Jane] I doubt you even know what love is. JANE: Hey, just because I hate you is no reason to believe I have no idea what the opposite of hate is. I'll have you know that not only do I have a good relationship going for myself, but I am also helping others with it. EVAN: Helping others. Right, what is that supposed to make you? Some super matchmaker? JANE: Y'know, I bet I *could* be! EVAN: Meaning? JANE: You have a great idea there, Evan... though I hate you... EVAN: Hate you, too. JANE: ...I shall declare myself the official matchmaker of Lawndale High! DARIA: Whahummina? EVAN: Who-ha? JANE: That is correct, my friend and my enemy. If I can't have my fun with you and my brother-- DARIA: Hey, ix-nay! JANE: Then I will shift my lovin' attention elsewhere! Good day to you! [Walks off] [Daria and Evan stand there alone for a moment.] DARIA: Sooo... you hate her like you hate, say, a loose hair in your face that you can't seem to grab, or more like you hate Hitler? EVAN: Well, where are you? DARIA: Somewhere around the middle, I guess. EVAN: Like a telemarketer? DARIA: Yeah, sounds about right. EVAN: Me too. END ACT I -WHAT IF- What if Daria and Quinn were born with each other's personalities? [Int. Lawndale High hallway.] [Daria & the FC.] DARIA: Come on! Can't I join the Fashion Club? SANDI: Hell, no. You're so plain and those glasses are very freaky. [Daria runs away crying, past Quinn and Jane.] QUINN: Why did I have to be related to her? JANE: It's a shame she was the first-born. -THE END!- ACT II [Ext. Lane house. Later that day.] JANE: [V.O.] Okay, okay. How about... [Int. Jane's room.] [Daria and Jane sit on the floor.] JANE: "She Yents for Cents!" DARIA: What? JANE: My slogan. I charge a very small fee, I'm a Yenter... [Daria blinks.] JANE: Well, that's what Yenters do, don't they? They yent! DARIA: Jane, that's Yenta. [Pause.] JANE: Right, fine. Okay. But I still gotta say sumfin' to draw attention. DARIA: Never had I expected you to speak those dastardly words. JANE: C'mon!... Okay, how about the name of my business? The Looooove Shack. DARIA: [Indicates her head] I think your tin roof's rusted. JANE: Well, you're no help! DARIA: ...How about Smoochy Jane? JANE: Oh, please. DARIA: That was my one helpful deed for the day. You're on your own. JANE: Well, thank you for your unhelpful help... DARIA: [Gets up] Really, sorry. Frankly, I find this whole thing rather cockamamie. If you *are* successful, you'll get so many people at Lovers' Lane that the whole cliffside would collapse... Actually, that's a great idea, but I must still be off. Picking up Dad. Later. [Leaves] JANE: ...Hey, that *is* a great idea... [Int. Lawndale High hallway. Next day.] [Jane has set up a folding table with a sign taped to the front reading "The Lovers' Lane!"] JANE: I *am* the Lovers' Lane! More efficient than an Internet dating service! C'mon, folks. I know *everyone* in this school, and I can help you find your compatible partner! Don't be shy! [Upchuck appears. Jane gets a "hoo, boy" look.] UPCHUCK: Greetings, Feisty One. Hmmm, a dating business, ehh? JANE: It's not the same as prostitution, if that's what you're thinking. UPCHUCK: Um... no, of course not. JANE: Can I help you? UPCHUCK: Yessss. I don't suppose a matchmaker such as yourself would care to match yourself up. Especially with such a flame like myself. Rrrrr! JANE: Hmmm, I dunno. I've been hearing... nah, ya wouldn't care. UPCHUCK: What? JANE: Well, you see that girl over there? [Points O.S.] UPCHUCK: The senior? JANE: Her name's Lenore Bloome.[*] And she's just been dying to talk with you. She just can't-- UPCHUCK: Say no more, say no more. Let the ol' Ruttheimer charm take it from there. [Walks offscreen to Lenore] JANE: I love being evil... buuuut it can't be that good for business... Le sigh. EVAN: [Walking past] Heh, your sign has a typo. Shouldn't that be Loser's Lane? [Jane's eyes narrow in his direction.] [*The joke would make a lot more sense if you've read Elizabeth Thaler's "The Rival."] [Int. Jake's office.] [Jake giving a pitch to Mr. Bernstein (from "Herself, an Elf" and "Best Years of Our Lives, Revisited").] JAKE: You're department store *is* great, Mr. Bernstein, but I think a name change is in order. You simply call it the Cranberry Commons Department Store, but think about it! Sure, it *is* located at the Cranberry Commons mall, but if you give it a name change, I'd say it has a better chance of developing into a *chain* of stores! I mean, not *every* location can be at a Cranberry Commons mall. BERNSTEIN: Hmm. I must say, you've almost got me convinced. JAKE: Just wait till I get started! [A car horn from outside sounds.] JAKE: Oh, excuse me. That must be my teenage daughter here to drive me home. [Pause. Bernstein collects his briefcase and quietly walks out as fast as he can.] JAKE: Call me! [Int. Jake's car. Driving.] [Daria takes the wheel as Jake sits shotgun. Silence for a second or two. Jake decides to turn on the radio.] DARIA: [Immediately turning it off] Dad, I told you yesterday. I don't like the radio on. I need to concentrate on the road. JAKE: Aw, come on! It's too quiet! DARIA: You can blame the sleek design of the Lexus for that problem. JAKE: [Dreamy] Oh, yes. Slices through wind without a sound, the latest in shock technology... mmmm... [Recovers] But, still... [Another pause.] JAKE: Remember to check all your mirrors? DARIA: Yes, Dad. JAKE: They show you what's *behind* you, remember. DARIA: Yes, Dad. JAKE: You practically need six heads in order to look at all the things that need to be monitored! DARIA: Well aware, Dad. JAKE: And have you noticed how much gas this uses up? As if it wasn't bad enough, the prices shot up overnight! DARIA: Just waiting for my death, Dad. Sooner the better. JAKE: I'm telling you, the world of vehicular transportation is getting worse and worse. [Est. Lawndale High.] JANE: [V.O.] Advertising! [Int. Mrs. Bennett's classroom.] [Jane stands before the teacher in an otherwise empty classroom.] BENNETT: What? JANE: I need an aid and ad to my dating service, so I need someone who has a successful relationship to show others how pleasing couplehood is. And since you're the only teacher who's married, I thought-- BENNETT: Oh! Well thank you so much for thinking of me first. JANE: [Hesitant] But...? BENNETT: No buts. I think having your own business is a wonderful way to add extra credit to my class! JANE: [Surprised] Oh! BENNETT: And I have plenty of stories to share with your customers. JANE: [Pleased] Well, great! [Int. Lawndale High hallway, Lovers' Lane stand.] [Jane has Bennett sit next to the stand, speaking before a small crowd.] JANE: [Stilted "acting"] Gee, Mrs. Bennett, why do you not tell me and these fine folks how wonderful it is to have a soulmate? BENNETT: Sure, Jane. Herbert is great! He and I talk about everything with each other, and we do as much as we can together... JEFFY: I have a question. BENNETT: Yes. You? JEFFY: Um, what *do* you do together? I mean, um... besides... "it." BENNETT: Uh, "it"? JEFFY: ...What do you do together?! BENNETT: Oh, we do lots of things. Mostly, we collect things. JANE: Like? BENNETT: Stuffed animals, Wee Bits... Herbert has an extensive encyclopedia collection! Oh, the stories I could tell you about that. JANE: Oh, let's not. JEFFY: So it's possible to love someone beyond wanting... "it"? BENNETT: "It"? JANE: Just say yes. Trust me. BENNETT: Oh, yes. Yes indeed. [The crowd murmurs.] JEFFY: Well, I'm in, then. ANGIE: Yeah, me too! [The crowd all speak in the affirmative. Jane smirks; business is now open!] [Ext. Happy Herb's.] [Trent speaks with Happy Herb himself.] TRENT: Hello, sir. HERB: Hey, stranger! Can I interest you in a grand mode of transportation?! TRENT: Yeah. But, um, actually, I was hoping to get some sort of discount. HERB: Haw haw haw! Now why would I do that, son? TRENT: Well, I was technically an employee at some point. Don't you recognize me? [Silence.] TRENT: I wrote and performed your commercial jingle. [Silence. Trent's eyes grow extra heavy.] TRENT: You really suck. HERB: [Still "happy"] I sure do! Haw haw haw! [Int. Lawndale High hallway, Lovers' Lane stand.] [Jane & Corey. ("Esteemsters", "Quinn the Brain", "Daria Dance Party")] COREY: Do I hafta? JANE: It's my only fee. COREY: I'll pay you money! JANE: No. I'll only help you if you do "that." [Pause.] COREY: [Singing half-heartedly] Matchmaker, matchmaker, make me a match. Find me a find. Catch me a- JANE: You're not doing the dance! [Ext. Honest Lee's.] [Trent speaks with a salesman, who turns out to be the same guy who use to a ticket vendor back in "Bond, Jake's Bond" and "She Was All That".] TRENT: Can you help me find a cheap car? SALESMAN: Oh, sure. There are lots of cheap cars. Lots... Yup, sure are. Could go on and on about how many there are. TRENT: Huh? SALESMAN: They're all over the place. Yup. Cheap cars all over. [Pause.] SALESMAN: Okay, this is where you say the magic word. TRENT: ...What? A la peanutbutter sandwiches? SALESMAN: Didn't your mother teach you any manners?! TRENT: Whoa. Mothers teach stuff? [Honest Lee himself shows up.] LEE: What's going on here? SALESMAN: [Whining] He won't say it! LEE: Oh, God, not this again. TRENT: What the hell is all this? LEE: I can't take this. Merv, you're fired. SALESMAN: Aww... shoot. [He shoves his hands in his pockets and kicks the dirt. Exits.] SALESMAN: [O.S.] You shall pay, Lee! You shall pay dearly with your-- Hey! A penny! LEE: Now, son, you lookin' to find yourself a vehicle? TRENT: Forget it. This place has me weirded out. [Exits] [Int. Lawndale High hallway, Lovers' Lane stand.] [Jane speaks with Robert. ("The New Kid", "Daria Dance Party")] ROBERT: Good afternoon, Ma'am. Would you indeed help me establish a relationship with the fairer gender so that I may once again feel like a full human being? JANE: Um... [Pause] ROBERT: I sang the lyrics wrong, didn't I? I didn't mean to trip up during the "Matchmaker" dance, Ma'am, but I am just unable to coordinate myself in such a manner. JANE: Now, now, I didn't say anything was wrong. Hey, I like a good challenge! ROBERT: You wound me with your harsh words, Ma'am. JANE: Okay, so I could've worded it better. My point is that nothing is impossible. I will find you your better half. ROBERT: Thank you, Ma'am. JANE: And quit calling me that or I'll pull your upper lip over your head. [Robert raises his eyebrows. Beat.] JANE: Thank you. Now, let me check out my book of available bachelorettes... [She does] Hmm... [Zip-pan to the future. Robert is holding hands with Tori (the anonymous blonde from "The Invitation") as they both thank Jane.] TORI: Wow, you could have chosen somebody is wasn't that good for me, but he is sort of cool, and if he's cool then it's cool for him to be with me! How were you able to come up with such a cool match? JANE: Oh, I just found quite a few things you two have in common... such as talking far too much. ROBERT: I thank you, Sir. JANE: [Grumbling] D'ehhhh. ROBERT: And now we must walk off and express our true feelings for each other. [To Tori] Will you come with me, Ma'am? [They walk off, with the voices fading into the background.] TORI: Oh, and such a gentleman, too. Not so much a gentleman that you'd ruin a jacket by spreading it across a puddle so I could walk over, I don't think. That doesn't matter, anyway, since I always thought ruining clothes then stomping all over it isn't such a bright thing to do. ROBERT: Much agreed, Ma'am. JANE: [To no one in particular] I can see a lot of chatty, stupid children being born as a result of those two meeting... Ahh, but the romantic in me finds it worth it. [Smirks] [Int. Jake's car. Driving.] [Close-up of Daria driving with a cell phone.] DARIA: When I get Dad home he's gonna start supper. You want to meet up after? [Slide in Jane's half of a split-screen.] JANE: Um, sorry, Daria. I've been trying to catalog the names of my clients in a better order. I'm sorta full tonight. DARIA: ...Oh... I haven't really seen you that often since you've been spreading yourself so thin to help others. JANE: I'm not spreading myself thin. Sure, I'm a little scrawny, but that's a family trait. [Beat] Look, I'll meet up with you soon. I promise. DARIA: [I *guess* it's good enough] Alright... JANE: Excuse me. [Shouts O.S.] What?... Daria... Oh, okay. [To Daria] Hold on. Trent wants to talk to you. DARIA: [Warning] Jane...? JANE: No! Really! He does. [Click.] TRENT: [V.O.] Hello? JANE: Seeya. [She hangs up as Trent takes her place. He's calling from his duck phone.] TRENT: Hey, Daria. DARIA: Hi, Trent. TRENT: Listen, you're smart. I really need some advice. DARIA: Okay, um, shoot. TRENT: I've been trying to find something to drive in used car lots, but all of them instead have been driving me nuts. [Beat] Hang on a moment. [He scribbles his previous sentence into his song book, then closes it] Anyway, all these dealerships show more concern over any money they could get. Ironic, since if the customer doesn't feel like he's being treated well, they won't *get* the money. DARIA: Also ironic that you don't *have* that much money. TRENT: [Smirks] Please, I'm voluntarily simplistic. DARIA: Alrighty. Have you tried the classified ads in the newspaper? You could probably find a car there even cheaper than at any dealership. Plus you'll be talking to the common citizen, not a fast-talking salesperson. TRENT: Hmm... Hey, thanks, Daria. Told ya you're smart. DARIA: And I thank you for telling me so, for I would've never found out on my own. JAKE: [O.S.] C'mon, Daria, that thing's expensive! DARIA: Gotta go, Trent. Seeya. TRENT: Seeya, Daria. Thanks again. [They hang up. The split-screen slides away so Jake is in view.] DARIA: [Handing the phone to her father] Here you go. JAKE: Thank you. [It rings; he takes it] Hello. Jake Morgendorffer... Oh... [Hands it back to Daria, disappointed] It's for you. [Est. Lawndale High.] [Int. Lawndale High hallway, Lovers' Lane stand.] [Jane is sitting at her table as Ms. Li walks up.] LI: Okay, this has gone on for too long. What is all this? JANE: Stop in the name of love! This here be nothing more than a humble little business establishment for the young'uns and faculty alike! LI: This is not a place for business! This is a place of business! [Beat, after a look from Jane.] LI: What I mean is, you are soliciting cash from everyone here on the grounds that *I* run. Meaning, you owe me-- JANE: I don't charge money. LI: Oh ho ho ! Now seriously, Ms. Lane. How can one own a well-doing business without making money? JANE: You ever hear of Amazon.com? Anyway, I don't ask for money because that's not what loooooove is all about... Besides, if it leads to teenage pregnancy, they'll *need* that extra cash. LI: Now that, Ms. Lane, is no laughing matter. JANE: What say I fix *you* up? LI: What-what-what? JANE: I just couldn't help but notice that you're still a *Miss* Li, Ms. Li. I'll put you in my book, and match you with someone compatible. Call it a free sample. LI: Hmm... Oh, very well. You have my blessing... so to speak. [Exits] Good day, Ms. Lane. JANE: [To herself] Oh, it is. It is. [Ext. Andrea's house.] [Trent speaks to Andrea.] TRENT: Um, hi. I saw an ad about a car you're selling? [Andrea jerks her thumb behind her back. Zip-pan to where she motioned. It's a barely recognizable hunk of rust propped up on four cinder blocks. The grille suddenly falls off. Cut back to Andrea and Trent.] TRENT: Hmm. Well, you see, there's a problem there, because I was looking for a *mode of transportation*. ANDREA: Sucks for you, don't it? [Int. Lawndale High hallway.] [Evan walking. Jane steps out of a classroom.] JANE: Ah, Evan. I've been looking for you. EVAN: You have, huh? Even though you hate me. JANE: Yes, yes. And you hate me. But enough of that. I have come to do not much else than gloat. EVAN: Figures. JANE: Come on, say it! I was right and you were wrong. EVAN: Fine. "I was right and you were wrong." [Walks off] JANE: I'm not Brittany or Kevin, y'know! [She trots after him] You can't face the fact that I made a success of myself, can you? All your jabs and taunts were for nothing! EVAN: They were *not* for nothing, and I'll tell you why! You don't seem to realize that all you've done is start a fad; and we all know how long a fad's life is. JANE: Hey, whoa, hey! Love is no fad, buster! EVAN: What? You're not an expert! JANE: Why, yes. Yes I am. EVAN: Ha! There's a good one! JANE: It's true; I haven't screwed up once yet in the whole matter. I *am* an expert in love! EVAN: Are not! JANE: Am too! EVAN: Are not! JANE: Am too! EVAN: Are not! JANE: Am too! [They start shoving each other back and forth.] EVAN: Ow! JANE: Cut it out, ya booger! EVAN: No, you! [Jane throws her weight into Evan, pushing them both into the storage closet. "Sitcom coincidence" strikes again as the door shuts behind them. One of them jiggles the handle.] EVAN: [O.S.] Locked. Jeez, I can't believe how childish you were! JANE: [O.S.] Me?! You weren't Mr. Sophistication yourself, buddy. EVAN: [O.S.] Hey! If it wasn't for *you*, we wouldn't be stuck in here right now, would we? JANE: [O.S.] Oh yeah? Well if you weren't such a fatheaded *jerk* I wouldn't have beat you in the first place! [Int. closet.] EVAN: How am *I* the jerk? You came over to me specifically to gloat. JANE: I wouldn't *need* to gloat if you didn't keep making fun of me! EVAN: I wouldn't be making fun of you if you didn't start shunning me! JANE: I wouldn't have started shunning you if you didn't call my best friend a loser! EVAN: I wouldn't have called her a loser if she wasn't acting all bitchy about you joining the track team in the first place! JANE: Yeah, well she wouldn't have been... what? EVAN: You're "best friend" was being a total jerk. As I recall, she was the *only* one who didn't want you to have fun. JANE: Okay, so she's a little possessive at times. She isn't a loser! EVAN: Suit yourself. JANE: Y'know, I don't know why I put up with you! I've hated you for over a year! EVAN: Yeah, well, I've hated you longer than that! JANE: I prefer quality hate over the length of hate! EVAN: Well I have time AND quality! JANE: SNOB! EVAN: BRAT! JANE: YOU! EVAN: YOU! [Int. Lawndale High hallway.] [Ted walks up to the door with keys.] TED: Hope there's film left. [Ted opens the door. Sees Jane and Evan making out:] TED: [Suddenly turning around] Whoa nelly. [Shuts the door behind him] [Int. closet.] JANE: [Thought V.O.] Lips, take a second and look at who you're swapping spit with. [Opens an eye in shock, still in thought V.O.] Not so fun now, is it? END ACT II -WHAT IF- What if Kevin woke up one day with a brain? [Int. Kevin's room.] [Kevin wakes up and tries to lift up his head. He can't.] KEVIN: Errrgh! Too heavy! Errrgh! -THE END!- ACT III [Int. Jane's room.] [Jane lies back on her bed, distraught. Her TV is on.] SSW ANNOUNCER: Just what is on your plate? Carp or crap? Dyslexic short order cooks, next on Sick Sad World! JANE: [Clicking off the TV] Okay, let me think... [Loooooong pause...] JANE: [Stands up] I can't think! [She paces] Okay, okay, okay. So... what the hell happened? I only kissed and kissed and kissed one of my greater enemies, is all. This is peachy... What would Tom think?! [Stops pacing] Umm... we never said anything about dating exclusively; I must be off the hook there!... [Wide eyes] Oh my God, I sound like Quinn. Ohh, this can't be happening to me... [Est. Lawndale High.] [Int. Lawndale High race track.] [Evan is running around the track in a T-shirt/shorts outfit.] JANE: [O.S.] Evan, we've got to talk. [Jane jogs up to him. They continue running, periodically jumping over a hurdle without much of a pause in their conversation.] EVAN: Oh, uh, hi... Jane. JANE: Hi... [Jump.] EVAN: ...Um, what... what do you want to... talk about? JANE: Oh... y'know... How we *hate* each other. EVAN: Oh, yes. Yes, I hate you... Certainly. Yeah. JANE: Um, yeah, me too. [Jump.] BOTH: Listen, I-- EVAN: Oh, uh, you go first. JANE: No, you. EVAN: Ladies first. JANE: Age before beauty. EVAN: Fine... [Jump.] EVAN: Wait, I have no beauty? JANE: Sure you do. It was just a saying. EVAN: Thought so. JANE: Yeah. [Jump.] EVAN: ...So anyway, I was thinking... um... You were kinda cool when we first met... What really happened? JANE: Well, *I* didn't change. EVAN: *I* didn't. JANE: Well, you did in *my* point of view, once you called my friend a name. EVAN: Not this again... JANE: Yes, this again. [Jump.] EVAN: Look, *maybe* I jumped the gun calling your friend a loser. *Maybe.* That still doesn't change how I saw her treating you, though. JANE: Yeah, well... yeah. In the end you ended up treating me worse than she ever did, however. EVAN: ...I guess that's true... Y'know, I knew you were a good runner, but I didn't realize you did hurdles too. JANE: What? [Evan jumps over the next one as Jane topples over it.] [Ext. Jake's car. Driving.] [Daria is driving right behind a chemical truck. Jake shotgun.] DARIA: Great. I always wanted to get stuck behind a vehicle with every possible warning sticker all over it. JAKE: Just stay calm, Daria. Okay, careful going up this hill... Push... push... push... push... DARIA: I'm not delivering a baby, Dad. JAKE: God, I hope not! Okay, we're going *down* the hill now. Keep the space cushion between you and the truck. DARIA: The hot air you're expelling isn't enough? JAKE: Now remember to pump the brakes... Pump it... pump it... DARIA: Dad, that is one phrase I never wanted to ever hear you repeat. JAKE: Um... sorry. [Ext. Lane house.] [Jane walks to the door.] JANE: Aw, man. I need to go think some more. [Int. Lane foyer.] [Jane enters. She hears voices coming from the kitchen and follows the source.] [Int. Lane kitchen.] [Jane stops short of the entrance when she finds Tom and Trent sitting at the table.] TOM: You must really be desperate to be asking me about cars. Not too long ago I broke a wheel. TRENT: Flat tire? TOM: No, I mean it just fell off. Look, if you have the guts, you can go try the place where I got mine. TRENT: Cool. Where's that? TOM: Let me give you the address. [He scribbles on a napkin] There you go. TRENT: Hey, thanks, man. TOM: Sure, Trent. [Notices Jane] Oh, *there* you are, Jane! JANE: Eep! [He gets up to greet her.] TOM: I've been trying to get a hold of you for a while. I really wanted to talk with you... JANE: [Quickly] Talk? Me? Heh. Well, fancy that. Y'know, I don't think I, um-- Well, bye! [She can be heard running all the way upstairs and slamming her door shut.] TRENT: Don't worry too much about it, man. She probably just got high off her paint again. Like a few weeks ago, she was chasing this invisible flying thing, shouting at it... TOM: [Worried/disappointed] I don't know, Trent... [Est. Lawndale High.] [Bell rings.] [Int. DeMartino's junior class.] [Class hasn't started yet. Jane sits at her usual seat, without Daria in sight.] JANE: Smooth, Lane. Real smooth. [Daria takes her seat.] DARIA: [With edge] Hi, Jane. JANE: [Still preoccupied] "Duh, fancy that." Crimeny, what was I thinking? DARIA: *Hi, Jane.* JANE: [Same] I feel like such an idiot. [Daria gives up.] DeMARTINO: Alright, class, POP QUIZ! [Class moans.] DeMARTINO: Mr. MacKenzie, PLEASE pass them around. Ms. Lane, will you come with ME? JANE: Um... DeMARTINO: THAT WASN'T A REQUEST! JANE: Oh, sure. [Int. Lawndale High hallway.] [DeMartino and Jane.] DeMARTINO: Ms. Lane, I'm going to ask you a brief question, and I'd like you to be totally honest. JANE: Um, okay. DeMARTINO: Thank you. Now... WHAT THE HELL WAS THE DEAL WITH YOU SETTING ME UP WITH A DATE WITH MS. LI??! JANE: Uh, I'll have to tell you after my ears stop ringing. DeMARTINO: Do you believe this to be a JOKE, Ms. Lane? Are you AMUSED? JANE: No! No, no, no. It was all in good intentions, really. DeMARTINO: Oh, "good intentions." THAT makes everything just PERFECT! I find it SO much easier to FORGIVE you now! JANE: C'mon, you're personality types just matched! She hates students, you hate students. She gets pissed easily, you get pissed easily... DeMARTINO: Oh, yes, NOTHING could POSSIBLY go wrong with a match-up like THAT! She spent TWO HOURS over dinner simply repeating "Oh, yes, my time will come." I'm not even going to RECALL to you what happened the REST of the night! JANE: Well, c'mon! By my books, you two should've matched up fine! What could you possibly have in common with a *different* woman? Did I miss somebody? DeMARTINO: Indeed, you did. JANE: Like who? [Defoe walks past.] DEFOE: Hello, Jane. Tony. JANE: Um, hey. [Defoe enters her classroom. Jane watches DeMartino as his eyes follow Defoe up to the door.] JANE: Oh, God, you can't be serious. DeMARTINO: What? JANE: Her? What do you have in common with her at *all*? You're total opposites... [She slowly comprehends] ...just like Daria and Trent. Aw, man. DeMARTINO: WHAT about Daria, now? JANE: Oh, nothing, really. Mr. DeMartino, my sincerest apologies. Seriously. DeMARTINO: [Sighs] FINE, then. BACK to class. [Ext. Krazy Eds Car Dealership.] [Trent walks up to the sign out front, holding the directions that Tom gave him.] TRENT: Wow. A misspelling and lack of an apostrophe. This guy should be easy. [Enter Krazy Ed himself.] ED: Greetings, you handsome young man! TRENT: Um, hey. ED: You come looking for a car, or are ya just lost?! TRENT: The first one. ED: Okey-dokey! Come with me! [They enter the lot.] ED: We've got old cars, new cars, used cars, Mario Karts, Car 54, the Red Car, Cartoon Network, cartons of milk, aaaaaand a hamster! But that's not all! What exactly were you looking for, Snoopy? TRENT: Well... [he looks around] Whoa! That one looks exactly like my *old* car! ED: [Nervous] That?! Oh, that! Heh, th-th-that is most certainly a mere coincidence! TRENT: Sure is. Mine got totaled. ED: [Lightens up again] Ah, well, hey! Sure is a beaut, that is. And since you're such a nice guy, howsabout we let you have it at the low, low, low price of... [He whispers the price into Trent's ear. Trent's eyes and smile widen.] TRENT: You're kidding! ED: Oh, it's still too high, huh?! Howsabout I lower it to the low, low, low, LOW price of-- TRENT: My God, you really *are* crazy! I'll take it! I'll take it! ED: Good boy! TRENT: Jeez, I can even pay this one up-front! ED: Ooo! I'll go get my envelope! [Runs off] TRENT: How does that man stay in business? [Int. Lawndale High hallway, Lovers' Lane stand.] [Jane sits at her place, face-down on the table. Brittany walks up.] BRITTANY: Jane? Is something wrong? JANE: [Muffled] What gave you that idea? BRITTANY: What's the matter? JANE: [Lifts her head slightly] Um, would you believe boy troubles? BRITTANY: Not entirely, no. JANE: Thought so. BRITTANY: [Twirling hair around her finger] But what could you be worrying about? You were advertising that you know everything about this stuff. *I* could never figure this stuff out, though. It's so confusing. Like, and I think I said this before, there's a rule that opposites attract, but I think sames attract too. There doesn't even seem to be any rules or patterns that *I* can follow. You must be pretty smart to see any. JANE: That's just it; there *are* no rules or patterns... [Sits up] Which means there is no such thing as a love expert!... Except maybe the Fonz. Well, thanks, Brittany. Now I know I have to set things right. I've got to stop living a lie!... When did you become so smart, anyway? [Pause.] BRITTANY: Oh, sorry, my mind was wandering. What? [Int. Jake's car. Driving.] [Same set-up as usual.] DARIA: When are you taking the retest, anyway? I'm getting tired of this. JAKE: When I feel good and ready. DARIA: *I* sure feel good and ready. JAKE: But *you're* not taking the test, silly... Oh, you're pulling to the right here. DARIA: And that's another thing! Stop with the lecturing! I'm not going to take the advice from someone who *lost* his license! [They face each other.] JAKE: In case you're forgetting, I am your father! You do not talk back to me! And besides, I'm only trying to help! DARIA: Some help! All your yakking is doing is keeping my attention away from the road! JAKE: [Eyes glancing ahead] Um, watch out. DARIA: You're doing it again. JAKE: LOOK OUT! [Ext. street.] [Jake and Daria both scream as the car's brakes squeal all too late, rear-ending a vehicle that stopped at the stop light. Out of the damaged car comes... Trent!] [Int. Jake's car.] [Daria slams her head on the steering wheel.] DARIA: Oh, God. Of all people... [Jake exits.] [Ext. street.] TRENT: Mr. Morgendorffer? JAKE: [Looking at his car] Gah! Daria, look at what you've done! [Daria exits the car.] TRENT: Daria? JAKE: This is *another* time you've crashed this thing, Daria! No wonder it doesn't look like a Lexus anymore! DARIA: Oh, and of course, *you've* never wrecked it before! JAKE: I told you to never speak of that again! DARIA: I told you to not speak at all! You distracted me again! JAKE: Oh, so this is all my fault?! DARIA: Well, it isn't mine! JAKE: OH! OH! Well, you-- DARIA: Yeah?! JAKE: You, you-- DARIA: Spit it out! JAKE: Quit interrupting! DARIA: I'm not! [They continue bickering as Trent slips into his car.] TRENT: Um, I'll get your info later. [He drives off. Father and daughter still shout at each other.] [Int. Lawndale High hallway.] [Jane chases Evan down.] JANE: Hey! EVAN: [Stops walking] What now? JANE: Same thing. We got sorta interrupted last time. EVAN: Sort of, yeah... Um, what? JANE: Well... about that thing in the closet... Do you even know *how* that happened? EVAN: Not really. JANE: Cuz I was beginning to think that maybe we didn't hate each other as much as we thought. EVAN: Well, maybe, yeah. Guess it wasn't really meant to be, though. I mean, what with us hating each other, or at least thinking we did. JANE: Yeah... Any chance we *might* have had together is long gone, huh? EVAN: I guess so... [Pause.] EVAN: But I'm not sure I hate you quite as much anymore. JANE: Me neither. EVAN: Acquaintances? JANE: [Small smile] Sure. [They shake hands.] EVAN: Okey-doke. See you whenever, then. JANE: Yup. [They part.] JANE: Sure felt good to get that off my chest. Now all I have to do is talk to Tom. [She runs into a large group of students.] JANE: And maybe a few dozen members of an angry mob. JOEY: You set us all up on really bad dates! JAMIE: You really suck, sorta. JEFFY: Get her! [She runs away, the mob giving chase. They pass by Li's office just when she's exiting.] LI: Students! No running in the halls! [Jane and her pursuers slow down. The fact that they're all walking as fast as they can looks a bit awkward. When she comes to a corner, she finds that another group of students has come from the other hallway, trapping her. They all slowly gang up on her until...] TORI: Like, stop, or something! ROBERT: Yeah, what she said! JANE: Tori? Robert? ANGIE: And why *should* we stop? TORI: Because she didn't do anything wrong! Sure, she may be a real loser... JANE: Part of this had better help my case. TORI: But, like, she was only trying to help us. Sure, maybe you all had a bad experience lately, but the whole point of dating around is to find someone you, like, *like.* And maybe you haven't found that person *yet*, but she *did* help you all find someone you know not to go after in the future, right? [The crowd mumbles in agreement.] ROBERT: And she helped us find each other. That's pretty important, I guess. TORI: Yeah! [The students all look at Jane a second, then slowly go their own ways.] ANGIE: Fine. You aren't *all* bad, Lane. JEFFY: But we *will* get our revenge somehow. Just not in, like, beating you up or something like that. JANE: Gee, I'm touched. [Beat] Well, thanks, you two Love Parakeets. You really bailed me out. TORI: Just, like, returning a favor. JANE: Yeah. Now if you'll excuse me... [School bell segue:] [Int. Lawndale High hallway, Lovers' Lane stand.] [Jane is taking down the establishment, having crumpled up the sign and currently folding up the table. Enter Daria.] DARIA: The bell rang. School's out. JANE: Yeah, I know. I'm just getting rid of this accursed business. I'm closing up shop for good. [She stops work a moment] Daria, I wanna say I'm sorry for not spending as much time with you lately. DARIA: I'm used to it... Wow, that's two apologies from you in a row. JANE: Rub it in... Y'know, there's a moral to this story: I doubt I'm ever gonna poke my nose into this matchmaking business ever again. It's been too much hassle, and the whole thing almost made me lose a couple of friends... not to mention my neck. I was wrong. DARIA: And you were supposed to be the unflappable Jane Lane. JANE: So I flapped... No hard feelings? DARIA: I guess not. JANE: [Smirk] Good. I'm almost finished here. I'll walk home with you. [Enter Li.] LI: Oh, good. You're still here. JANE: Ms. Li? What do you want? LI: Cold, hard revenge. JANE: Join the club. LI: I have, in fact. Also, I have taken the liberty of taking a poll as to what the students will find a nice, "gentle" revenge of sorts. Be prepared tomorrow. [Exits] JANE: I don't like the sound of that. DARIA: [Smirk] I do. I participated in the poll. JANE: What?! [Int. Lawndale High auditorium.] [Jane walks with a slump onto the stage as the entire school watches. She then begins to "sing" without any enthusiasm whatsoever.] JANE: I blew it. I'm sorry. I knew it. So sorry. I'm sorry that I-- AUDIENCE: You're not doing the dance! [Jane shuts her eyes and groans.] END AUTHOR'S NOTES: This fic was two years in the making! One of the very first story ideas for Daria I had, actually. Plus, when I *did* finish it, I let it ferment on my harddrive for months. It was originally going to be part of a trilogy of stories, but Story #3 just wasn't working out... It was about Sandi trying to not be a bitch anymore, to give you an idea of how impossible it was for me to finish. Story #2 in the now-defunct trilogy is still being finished, so don't worry. Oddly enough, Daria will have almost no lines in it. And since this took so long to finish, I had to keep juggling ideas to make them fit into the "official" continuity. The Jane/Evan angle was almost ruined when Tom was introduced in "Jane's Addition." (Yes, this fic is that old.) I decided to work around that, making it even harder for Jane. The Daria subplot was originally going to take place in Driver's Ed instead of with Jake, but then she got her license in "Speedtrapped." (Making you realize just how old this is yet?) Then Tom dumped Jane for Daria... at that point I just said "Fuck it" and finished the fic the way it was, which is why I added that little "continuity" sticker at the beginning. And despite all that work, I don't think this is even my best work. Still, I like the new addition to my fics: The "What Ifs" that I used in place of the commercial breaks between acts. Expect more skits and bits between acts from now on; doing fake commercials just isn't my thing. Y'know... that "kissing someone you thought you hated at the end of Act 2" thing seems really old after DDMD, eh?