"Lawndale Beauty"
by wierdgrrl
wierdgrrl@hotmail.com

Synopsis: Jake is pitted against his manic, materialistic lawyer wife, 
Helen, and his sullen, contemptuous teenaged daughter, Daria. Into their 
lives come two catalytic outsiders. Sandi jolts Jake into a sexual epiphany 
that blooms into a second adolescence. And an eerily calm young neighbor, 
Trent, transforms both Jake and Daria with his canny influence.  A crossover 
with American Beauty.

(Grainy shot of Daria lying in a bed, wearing a black tanktop.  She is 
looking straight into the camera.)

DARIA:  I just want a normal dad… not some horny geek-boy who's gonna spray 
his shorts every time his daughters bring a girlfriend home.  What a lame-o.

(An off-screen voice speaks.)

VO:  Do you want me to kill him for you?

(Daria sits up, smirking.  She brushes her hair back from her face.)

DARIA:  Yeah.  Would you?

SHOT: OVERVIEW OF LAWNDALE, SLOWLY ZOOMING ON CASA MORGANDORFFER

JAKE:  (VO) My name is Jake Morgandorffer.  This is my town.  This is my 
street.  This is my house.  This is my life.  I'm forty-one years old, and I 
will be dead within a year.

(As he says this, do a fade through the roof into Helen and Jake's room, 
where Jake is sleeping.  He gets up and puts on his slippers.)

Jake: (VO) Of course, I don't know that yet.

(Cut to Jake in the shower.  This being edited for TV, we see his silhouette 
behind the curtain.)

JAKE: (VO) Look at me.  Jerking off in the shower.  This will be the 
highlight of my day.

(Cut to Helen talking on her cell phone with a briefcase by her feet.)

JAKE: (VO) My wife, Helen.  Notice how the cell matches her briefcase.  
That's not an accident.

(We hear Helen say…)

HELEN: What, Eric?  Oh, yes, those depos are all done.

JAKE: (VO) She didn't used to be like this.  She used to be happy.  We used 
to be happy.

(Cut to Daria in her room.  She's on the computer.)

JAKE:  My oldest daughter, Daria.  She's a typical teenager.  Angry, 
depressed, confused.  I wish I could tell her things get better.  They 
don't.

(She leaves, and we see she has been looking at the Doctor Shar website.)

(Cut to Quinn primping in the mirror.)

JAKE: (VO) And my youngest daughter, Quinn… well, I don't want to think 
about what happened with that one.  Not now.

(Cut back to outside.  Helen is standing impatiently by the car as Quinn and 
Daria run out.)

HELEN:  Daria, are you trying to look unattractive?

DARIA: (sarcastic) Yes.

(The family gets in the car and drives off.)

(Cut to Jake at work.  He's sitting behind a desk talking on a really cool 
headset telephone in a really fake voice.)

JAKE:  Yes, well thank you for choosing Jake Morgandorffer as your 
consultant.  Bye.

(Meanwhile, some executive suit guy has come up behind him.)

JAKE: (turns) Gahh!

GUY:  Hi, Jake.  Got a minute?

JAKE: (back to fake mode) For you, Brad, I got five.

(Cut to an office, obviously "Brad's."  Brad sits behind a desk, while Jake 
is in a chair in front of it.  Think Ms. Li's office with white walls.)

JAKE:  So you want to justify firing me.

BRAD:  Oh, no, Jake!  We just want everyone to write an essay to show who's 
invaluable-

JAKE:  And who's expendable.  This just seems like a way to cover your ass, 
Brad.

BRAD:  So will you be writing yours?

JAKE:  (meek) Yes, sir.

(Helen is walking into a court.  She takes a deep breath and sits down, very 
straight and assured.)

HELEN: (to self) I will settle this case today.

(The judge, jury, etc. files in.  Eric sits down next to Helen and gives her 
a smile.  She sighs again and we hear her inner monologue.)

HELEN: (VO) I will settle this case today.

(We see Helen making her case to the judge, who shakes his head.  We hear 
only her mantra.)

HELEN:  I will settle this case today, I will settle this case today…

(A witness being questioned by Eric.  The witness says something, and Helen 
slaps her forehead.)

HELEN:  I will settle this case today.

(The judge mouths the words "Guilty," and bangs the gavel.  Court is 
adjourned.  The room empties out.  Eric comes to Helen.)

ERIC:  Tough break, huh?  Coming for lunch, Helen?

HELEN:  In a minute.

(The room is now empty.  Helen stands, dejected, then runs to the ladies 
room.  It's empty too.  She closes herself into a stall and begins to cry.)

HELEN: (sobbing noises)

(She straightens up and slaps the side of her face repeatedly.)

HELEN: SHUT UP!  Shut up, you BABY!

(She composes herself after another minute or so of sobbing, and walks out 
of the stall.)

(Helen and Jake are now driving home.)

JAKE: (rambling) So they hire this assistant named Brad, how appropriate, 
who makes us all write an essay to determine our weight in gold!

HELEN:  Oh, Jake, shut up about it already!  You are writing it, aren't you?

JAKE:  No!  No way!  (mean) I'm not gonna knuckle under to this Brad fellow, 
not like I did for Mad Dog Morgandorffer! You hear that, old man? (doubles 
over) Gahh!  My eye!  (looks up and has one bloodshot eye)

HELEN: My God, Jake, mellow out. (digs in her purse for painkillers)  No, 
really, calm down.  We have to go to Quinn's fashion show for charity 
tomorrow.

(The family at dinner.  Some old music is playing.)

DARIA:  Do we have to listen to this elevator music?

HELEN:  No.  When you prepare a nutritious yet sumptuous meal you can listen 
to whatever you want.

JAKE:  Anyway, today I lost a client, and then, you will not believe this.  
There's this guy named Brad-how appropriate- who decides we have to write an 
essay on why we shouldn't be fired so you couldn't possibly care less, could 
you?

DARIA:  Dad, I'm not your best friend all of a sudden all because you had a 
bad day.  I mean, you've barely spoken to me in months. (walks out)

HELEN:  See, I told you to talk to her more.

JAKE: (muttering) Well, you treat her like an employee.

HELEN: What? (pissed) What?

JAKE:  I'm going to go get some ice cream. (leaves)

(Daria is in the kitchen.  Jake come sin.)

JAKE:  Listen kiddo, I'm sorry I haven't been there for you, but I want you 
to know, you can talk to me any time.

DARIA:  So now it's my fault?

(Cut to see a pair of eyes with a video camera taping them through the 
window.  The camera slowly closes on Daria's face.)

SHOT: INT: HELEN/JAKE'S CAR

JAKE:  I don't see why we have to go to this thing.

HELEN:  Don't be ridiculous, Quinn wants us to be there.

DARIA:  Did she say she wants us to be there?

HELEN:  Of course not, she doesn't want us to know how important this is to 
her but she's been practicing her runway walk for weeks.

(Jake sighs and slumps in his seat.)

(Cut to Quinn and Sandi standing backstage peeking out at the audience.)

SANDI:  Who are you looking for?

QUINN:  My parents.  They're trying to squeeze in 'quality time.'

SANDI:  Oh yeah, I hate that.

(Stacy's voice comes out from off-screen, and Quinn walks out.)

STACY: (OS) And here's Quinn in a lovely pink chiffon minidress.  Prom 
perfect peach strappies complement the look.

(We see Jake, Daria and Helen sitting on the bleachers as Quinn exits and 
Sandi comes out, wearing a rather low-cut glittering red gown.)

STACY:  And Sandi has captured that Bond-Girl look in a…

(Her voice fades out as Jake watches, mesmerized.  Everyone in the room 
disappears save Sandi and Jake.  Sandi dances slowly, like Mena Suvari's 
character.  She grins and slides down the straps of her gown, and shreds of 
paper fly out.  Suddenly Jake is brought back to earth by people clapping.  
It was a dream sequence, obviously.)

(Later.  Quinn and Sandi are walking out, dressed normally.  Le Famille de 
Morgandorffer is waiting.)

QUINN:  Shit, they're still here.

HELEN:  Wow, Quinn, that was great!

DARIA:  You know, I was watching, you didn't screw up at all like that other 
fashion show.

QUINN:  Well, yes, because I didn't screw up at that one either, Mother did.

JAKE:  (eager, to Sandi) Hi!  I'm Quinn's dad.

DARIA:  And I'm Quinn's au pair.

(Jake nudges Daria with his elbow, and she gives him a surprised look.)

SANDI:  Oh, I'm Sandi.

JAKE:  So, where are you girls going now?

SANDI: We're going for pizza with the Fashion Club.

JAKE:  Do you need a ride?  Because you can take a ride in our car, or 
whatever you want.

SANDI:  Oh no.  I have my own car.

JAKE:  Oh, you have a car.  That's really great.  Quinn's thinking of 
getting a car soon, right Quinn?

QUINN:  DAD!  Mom's waiting for you.

JAKE:  Oh, well, I'm sorry, it's just so great to see my girls making 
friends and all.  Bye, Quinn, bye Sandi!

(Morgandorffers exit, and Quinn and Sandi look at each other oddly.)

QUINN:  Could he be more… obvious?

SANDI:  I think that was cute.  And I also think your parents have not had 
sex in a long time.

(Helen and Jake are lying in bed.  Helen is asleep.  Zoom on Jake's face as 
he talks in voice-over.)

JAKE:  (VO) This is what I have been missing.  I feel like I've been in a 
coma for twenty years, and I'm just now waking up.

(We see Sandi lying on the ceiling, covered with strategically placed paper 
shreds.

JAKE: (grinning) Spectacular.

(Cut back to Sandi and Quinn in Sandi's car.  They're getting high and 
laughing.)

SANDI:  No, I really didn't mind about your dad.  I like that he wanted to 
fuck me.  Just like when I realized guys at school thought about me when 
they jerked off.

QUINN:  Eeww.

SANDI:  No, I liked it.  It's power.

QUINN:  (uncomfortable) What time is it? (looks at clock) Shit, I gotta go.  
See you at school, Sandi

(She gets out of the car.  Suddenly, we close up on a pair of eyes, Trent's 
eyes.  He has a video camera.)

(As Quinn walk to the house, Daria leaps out of the bushes.)

QUINN:  Gahh!  Daria, what are you doing?

DARIA:  What are you doing out this late?

QUINN:  I'm always out this late.  Don't tell Mom and Dad, okay?

DARIA:  Don't worry.

(Quinn goes inside, but Daria stays.  She crosses her arms in front of her, 
as if it was cold, and looks at the sky.  A rustling in the bushes is heard. 
  She turns toward it, and sees Trent.  Keep in mind she does not know Trent 
at the moment.  He holds up his camera at her.)

DARIA:  Asshole. (walks inside)

(Trent stands by the window, and a knock is heard at his door.  He goes to 
open it, and we hear Vincent Lane on the other side.)

LANE:  (VO) You know I don't like locked doors in my house, boy.

TRENT:  Sorry.  I locked it by mistake.

LANE:  I need a new urine sample. (he holds up a plastic cup and hands it to 
Trent)

TRENT:  Six months already.  Can I give it to you in the morning, I just 
took a piss.

LANE:  Sure.  Goodnight, son. (leaves)

(Trent hesitates, then goes to an adjacent bathroom, where he opens a 
mini-fridge.  He puts the empty container in and takes out a frozen, full 
one.  He sets it out to thaw.  Fade to black.)

(We see his eyes again, but this time it's light out.  Cut to see his full 
form looking out the window with the camera.  He walks out of the room.)

(He goes down to the kitchen, where Mrs. Lane is cooking bacon.)

MRS:  Here, I made bacon.

TRENT:  Mom, me and Janey haven't eaten bacon since 1983.

(He sits at the table, where Mr. Lane is reading the paper.)

TRENT:  How's the world, dad?

DAD:  (looks up) The whole world's going straight to hell.  Look at this: 
"Gays Demand Marriage Rights." All going to hell, I can tell you that.

(Jane runs in.)

JANE:  I need to get to school now.

MR:  I'll drive you.

TRENT:  I'll come too, Janey.

SCENE: INT. LANES' CAR

(Trent, Mr. Lane and Jane are driving to school.)

MR:  You know, why do those fags have to be so goddamn shameless?

JANE: (irritated) That's the thing, Dad, they don't feel like it's anything 
to be ashamed of.

MR:  Well it is.

TRENT:  (sarcastic) You're right, Dad.  Those fags make me wanna puke my 
guts out.

MR: (approving) Me too, son.

SCENE: EXT. LLLLAWNDALE HIGH: FRONT OF SCHOOL

(Quinn and Sandi are talking with Tiffany and Stacy, leaning against a wall. 
  Daria stands nearby, being her ever-lovin' loner self.)

SANDI:  …So he just whips it out and comes toward me.

STACY:  What did you do?

SANDI:  Well, you better believe I fucked him.  He's a very important 
photographer.  God, how stupid can you get?

TIFF: (annoyed) Look, I'm sick of you carrying on like this.  You live like 
a prostitute.  And you were only in Seventeen once, and you looked fat, 
okay?  So stop acting like you're Christy goddamn Turlington!

(They walk off.)

SANDI: Cunt! (sighs, to Quinn) I'm so sick of everyone taking their 
insecurities out on me!

(The Lanes' car pulls up, and Trent and Jane get out.)

DARIA: (VO) There's that guy who filmed me last night.

(They come over.)

JANE:  Hey, you live next door to me.

DARIA:  I know.  I caught (looks at Trent) him filming me.  And I really 
don't need someone stalking me.

TRENT:  I'm not stalking, I'm just curious.

DARIA:  Well, please don't film me.

TRENT: (hurt) Okay. (leaves)

JANE: Don't worry, he films everything.  So, what's this place like?

QUINN: (to Daria) Eeww, he filmed you?

DARIA:  Yeah, when I caught you coming home.

QUINN:  Eeww!  Like a Peeping Tom or something, and a peeping Tom dressed 
like a Bible salesman at that.

DARIA:  He wasn't dressed that bad.

QUINN:  Oh, you big slut.  You've got a crush on him!

DARIA:  I do not!

QUINN:  You do so!  You want to have like 10,000 of his babies!

DARIA:  Shut up!

(Later that night.  Helen and Jake are someplace swanky.  Helen has a 
sparkly black dress on, Jake his usual suit.)

HELEN:  Now this Buddy Kane is a very important man in the practice.  Don't 
humiliate me.

JAKE: (muttered) Jawohl, Herr Helen.

HELEN: (pissed) What?  (clam) Never mind, I'll deal with you later, go have 
a drink. (cheery) Buddy!  How are you?

BUDDY:  Oh, I'm great, Helga!

HELEN: Helen.

BUDDY:  Oh, right, I knew it was an "H", but anyway, I'm good.  Christy and 
I are great, everything's great.

(Cut to Trent wearing a white tux, looking at Jake.)

TRENT:  Don't you live next door to me?

JAKE:  Hey, yeah, I saw you guys moving in today!

TRENT:  God, this blows.  So do you like to party?

JAKE:  (surprised) Eh, sure.

TRENT:  Like do you like to get high?

JAKE: Yeah! (they leave.  Cut back to Helen, a bit tipsy as she sits with 
Buddy Kane.)

HELEN: Y'know, I would like to sit down one day and pick your brain.

BUDDY:  Well, why don't we get together for lunch tomorrow?

HELEN: (amazed) Sure.

(Overlap to move to the next scene.  Jake and Trent are smoking weed in the 
parking lot and laughing.)

JAKE:  This is good stuff.

(They are startled by the door opening.  They hold their joints to the 
smalls of their backs.  A man comes out, perhaps Trent's boss.)

CATERING BOSS: I'm not paying you to do... whatever it is you're doing.

TRENT: So don't pay me.

CATERING BOSS: Excuse me?

TRENT: I quit. So you don't have to pay me. Now leave me alone.

(He closes the door, shocked.)

JAKE: I think you just became my personal hero.

TRENT:  Why?

JAKE:  How can you just quit your job like that?

TRENT:  I have an alternate source of income (gestures to joint).  My dad 
thinks I pay for all my stuff with my catering job.  Never underestimate the 
power of denial.

JAKE:  Well, I guess it's easier when you're all of eighteen years old-

TRENT:  Twenty-one.  My sister Janey's seventeen.

(The door opens again and they repeat the "hide-the-spliff" game.  It's 
Helen.)

HELEN:  Jake? (steps out) What are you doing?

JAKE: (giddy) Helen, Helly-bell!  This is Trent L-(laughs), I mean, this is 
Trent (laughs again)…

TRENT:  I'm Trent Lane.

JAKE:  His sister Jane goes to school with Daria.

TRENT: (thoughtful) Daria…

HELEN:  Well, whatever, I'm ready to go.

JAKE:  In a minute.  (she leaves) Hey, can I buy some more off of you 
sometime?

TRENT:  Sure.  Stop by my house tomorrow.

(Cut to Quinn and Sandi in the living room.  They jump as the door slams.)

QUINN: Oh, great, they're home.

SANDI: (grins) I should say hi to your dad.

QUINN:  Eeww, Sandi, no!

(Jake is rummaging through the fridge.  Sandi peeks from behind the doorway. 
  Jake jumps, startled, when he sees her.)

JAKE: Oh, Sandi, hi.

SANDI:  Hi Mr. Morgandorffer.  You look good.  Last time I saw you, you were 
so… tense. (licks lips)

JAKE:  Oh, thank you.

SANDI:  Is that root beer?

(We see Sandi's hand reach for Jake and put her hand on his shoulder, and 
they move into a kiss.  Shreds of paper fall down from above them.  
Suddenly, we are brought back to reality: Sandi is standing by the door with 
a disgusted Quinn, sipping from a bottle of root beer.  Helen is also 
there.)

SANDI:  I love root beer, don't you?

QUINN:  Mom, I forgot to tell you, Sandi's spending the night.

JAKE:  PFFFFTT!

(Perfect spit take from Jake.)

(Quinn and Sandi are up in her bedroom.  Quinn is in a pink tanktop and pink 
smiley face pajama pants, while Sandi wears a blue striped tanktop and 
matching bikini underwear.)

SANDI:  You know, your dad is pretty hot.

QUINN:  You are so disgusting.

(Jake is walking past the door to her room and hears this.  He leans in for 
a listen.)

SANDI:  No, really!  I mean, if he worked out his arms and his pecs a bit, 
I'd totally screw him!

QUINN:  You are beyond gross!

(Sandi dances around, yelling as Quinn sings to drown her out.)

QUINN:  La-la-LA-la-la!  La-la-LA-la-la!

SANDI:  I would!  I'd screw him until his eyes rolled back in his head!

(Jake bumps his shoulder by accident against the door.  The girls stop.)

SANDI:  Did you hear something?

(Back to Jake, who runs away quickly.)

QUINN:  Yes, that was the sound of you being a huge disgusting pig.

SANDI:  No, I mean it.  Go check the window.

(Quinn looks out the window and is shocked.)

QUINN:  Oh my God…

(We see that someone, obviously Trent, has burned Daria's name into the 
lawn.)

SANDI:  Eeww, Mental Boy is stalking your cousin!  I wonder if he's filming 
us right now!

(Sandi begins to pose in the window.  We see her from a grainy video camera. 
  Trent is filming her, but her zooms past her, to Daria's window, where she 
is standing, looking at the burning letters of her name.  He zooms in on her 
face.)

(Jake enters the garage.  He picks up some weights from the back and takes 
off his shirt.)

(Trent watches Jake, filming him.  Jake takes off his pants and stands, 
naked.  We can't see anything, this is TV, remember.)

TRENT: (to self) Welcome to America's Weirdest Home Videos.

(He zooms in on Jake's face as Jake pumps iron.)

(Cut to Helen and Jake in bed.  Jake is awake, and we once again go into 
fantasy-land.  He's in a steamy bathroom, where Sandi is taking a bath.  She 
is covered in shredded documents.)

SANDI: (seductive) Hi, there.  I was hoping you could give me a bath.  I've 
been a very dirty girl.

(Jake, awestruck, reaches his hand into the water.  We see him do it from 
different angles, until we are snapped to reality.  Helen is looking at him 
funny.)

HELEN:  What are you doing?

JAKE:  Nothing.

HELEN:  You were masturbating.

JAKE:  No I wasn't.

HELEN:  You were.  That's disgusting!

JAKE: (sighs) All right, I was!  So what?

HELEN:  That's disgusting!

JAKE:  Well, excuse me if I still have blood pumping through my veins!

(Jake turns on the light and Helen jumps out of bed, angry.)

HELEN:  I do too!  You think you're not the only one who's sexually 
frustrated?

JAKE:  Well, I'm the only one who seems to be doing anything about it!

HELEN:  Well, why didn't you even try to tell me this?

JAKE:  You want to do something about this?  Well, come on baby, I'm ready!

HELEN:  Don't you mess with me, Jake!  I will divorce you so fast your head 
will spin!

JAKE:  Fine, you do that!  But remember, I supported you when you got your 
license.  Which some would say entitles me to half of what's yours.  Now, if 
you're quite finished, turn out the light when you come back to bed.  (he 
rolls over and smirks to himself.)

(Cut to Trent standing outside smoking a cigarette while Mr. Lane washes the 
car.  Jake comes out as Helen and Daria get into the car and drive off.  He 
runs up to Trent.)

JAKE:  Trent! Hi! (turns to Mr. Lane) Hi, Jake Morgandorffer, I don't 
believe we've met.

LANE:  (clears throat, gruff)  Vincent Lane.

JAKE: Trent, uh, remember that… (searches for good cover-up) movie we talked 
about?

TRENT: (gets it) Re-Animator?

JAKE:  Yeah.

TRENT:  You wanna borrow it?  Come on up to my room, I'll find it for you.

(They go up to Trent's room.  The pee is still sitting there.)

TRENT:  Hold on a minute…

JAKE: (points) What's that?

TRENT: Urine. (Jake looks strangely at him) I have to take a drug test every 
six months.

JAKE:  But you just smoked with me last night.

TRENT:  One of my clients is a nurse.  One day she was short on cash, so we 
struck a deal, and she keeps me in clean piss. (he takes out a drawer, and 
reveals a secret compartment) This is good stuff, smooth high.  Three 
hundred per ounce.  And this (lifts out a new bag) is G-13.  Manufactured by 
the government.  Smooth high, no paranoia.  This is all I ever smoke.  It's 
a bit pricey, though.  Three thousand.

(Jake takes the G-13 and pockets it.)

JAKE:  Can I pay you when I've got my wallet?

TRENT:  Sure.

(Jake looks around and picks up a CD.)

JAKE:  You like Pink Floyd?  I haven't listened to this album in years.

(Brad's voice overlaps to segue into the next scene.  After a few words, we 
see Jake sitting across from him in a chair.)

BRAD:  "My job consists mainly of masking my contempt for the assholes in 
charge, and at least once a day, retiring to the men's room to jerk off and 
fantasize about a life that isn't mine." (disgusted) Well, Mr. 
Morgandorffer, you obviously have no interest in saving your job. (sighs) I 
want you gone by the end of the day.

JAKE:  Not so fast, Brad.  What sort of severance package is the company 
waiting to offer me?  Especially since I could report the boss for buying 
sex with company money because he has to pay a woman to touch him?

BRAD:  What do you want?

JAKE:  One year's pay with benefits.

BRAD:  That's not going to happen.

JAKE:  What if I threw in a sexual harassment suit to boot?

BRAD:  against who?

JAKE:  Against you, Brad.  How are you gonna prove that you never offered to 
save my job if I let you blow me?

BRAD: (shocked) You are one sick twisted man.

JAKE:  Nope.  I'm just a guy with nothing to lose.

(Cut to Jake walking out with a box of office supplies.  He pumps one fist 
in the air.)

JAKE:  Yessss!

(Cut to a dead bird.  The film looks fuzzy.  Trent is filming the bird with 
a camera.  He is interrupted by Quinn and Sandi.)

SANDI:  Um, what are you doing?

(We see Trent.  Jane is with him, and Daria is nearby.)

TRENT:  I'm filming this dead bird.

QUINN:  Why?  God, that's so gross.

TRENT:  No, it's beautiful. (he focuses his camera on Daria.)

DARIA:  Look, I want you to stop filming me.  And I saw what you did to the 
lawn, my dad threw a fit.

TRENT: (shuts off camera) All right.

QUINN:  Whatever.  Come on, Daria, Mom said I have to drive you home now, 
she thinks you're talking to yourself again.

DARIA:  (to Trent) You want a ride?

TRENT:  I'll walk.

QUINN:  See, he doesn't want to.  Come on.

DARIA:  I'll walk too.

SANDI: Oh my God, that's almost a whole mile!

(Now we see Daria and Trent walking from the back.  Jane trails behind.)

DARIA:  So why do like to film things that are dead?

TRENT:  Well… the world makes you seem so insignificant sometimes.  When 
something is dead, and you're looking at it, it feels like God is looking 
down at you.  And sometimes… if you're quick enough… you can look back.

DARIA:  Have you ever know anyone who died?

TRENT:  No.  Have you?

DARIA:  No.

(Trent and Daria walk through the house to a dining room, where Mrs. Lane 
sits, staring at the wall.)

TRENT: Mom? (nudges her, and Mrs. Lane snaps out of it) I want you to meet 
someone.  This is Daria.

MRS:  Hello. (pause) I must apologize for the way things look around here.

(They enter a room with a china case)

TRENT:  I want to show you something. (walks to the case and takes out a 
white plate)  This is actual Third Reich china.  See? (turns it over to 
reveal a black swastika) People actually collect this garbage.  My dad just 
has this one plate.

DARIA: Uh, yeah.

TRENT: He's a real asshole.

(They go into Trent's room.  The walls are covered with shelves of videos.)

TRENT:  Want to see the most beautiful thing I've ever caught on film?

(The TV screen fills up our viewpoint.  A white plastic bag is blowing in 
the wind on the sidewalk.  Occasional cuts to Daria's or Trent's face are 
made every now and then.)

TRENT: It was one of those days when it's a minute away from snowing and 
there's this electricity in the air, you can almost hear it, right? And this 
bag was like, dancing with me. Like a little kid begging me to play with it. 
For fifteen minutes. And that's the day I knew there was this entire life 
behind things, and... this incredibly benevolent force, that wanted me to 
know there was no reason to be afraid, ever. Video's a poor excuse. But it 
helps me remember... and I need to remember... Sometimes there's so much 
beauty in the world I feel like I can't take it, like my heart's going to 
cave in.

DARIA: (interested) You know, I should apologize for my sister and her 
friend.  They were going around saying you used to be in a mental 
institution.

TRENT:  Well, yeah, I was.  My dad had caught me smoking pot.  And he hit 
me.  And the next day some kid made fun of my haircut… they had to pull me 
off him.  I wanted to kill him… I would have, if I'd been given the chance.

(We see Daria is holding Trent's hand.  She kisses him.  She breaks away 
after a while.)

DARIA: What time is it?

(Cut to the dinner table at Casa Morgandorffer.  Helen, Jake and Quinn are 
already there.)

HELEN:  Glad you could be bothered to join us, Daria.  Jake, tell Daria how 
you disgraced yourself today.

JAKE:  Well, Daria, today I blackmailed the boss for $60,000, which pisses 
off your mother because she's a control freak who wants to keep my dick in a 
mason jar.  Pass the asparagus a la Jake.

HELEN:  I'm not a control freak!  I'm just appalled at your selfishness 
making me the sole breadwinner around here!  "Oh, Helen how brave of you to 
take on the responsibility of making all the money for your family, don't 
you mind?"  Not one bit, not at all.

JAKE:  Well, maybe you wouldn't be so nervous if you did a decent job of 
being an ambulance chaser!  Would someone please pass the asparagus?

QUINN:  Guys, I refuse to take part in this- (gets up)

JAKE: (angry) SIT DOWN! (he gets up, walks to the middle of the table, and 
grabs the asparagus, which appears to be garnished with Chee*tos.  He walks 
back to his seat.)

HELEN:  And what really gets me is the fact that you're actually proud of 
this-

(Jake has had it.  He stands up and flings the asparagus against the wall.)

JAKE:  (eerily calm) I am sick of being treated like I'm invisible.  Now, 
I'm finished. (he goes to leave, but comes back)  And another thing- and I 
know I'm not alone on this- (looks at Daria) I'm really sick of listening to 
this Laurence Whelk crap every night. (leaves)

(Daria runs up to her room, as does Quinn.  We follow Daria.  A knock is 
heard at the door.)

DARIA: Go away.

(Helen comes in.)

HELEN:  I'm sorry you had to see that, Daria, but if anything, it gives me 
an opportunity to tell you something important.  (she takes a deep breath 
and continues) You cannot count on anyone except yourself. (teary) You 
cannot count on anyone except yourself.

DARIA:  Mom, please just get out and leave me alone.

(Helen slaps Daria across the face.)

HELEN: You ungrateful little brat! When I was growing up, we... lived in a 
duplex! We didn't even have our own house!

(She leaves the room.  Daria goes to the mirror and stares, hurt, at her 
face.  She goes to the window.  Trent is there.  He has his camera.)

(Daria takes off her jacket, looking into the camera.  Cut to his darkened 
bedroom.  Daria's image is behind him on the TV screen.  She takes off her 
t-shirt, revealing a gray bra.  This being edited for television, we see 
only shoulders up as she doffs that as well.  It's a tranquil moment that is 
broken by Mr. Lane charging in and hitting Trent.  Trent is knocked to the 
floor.)

LANE:  Come on, fight back you little wimp!  What the hell were you doing in 
the display case?  Are you on dope again?  Did you need the money?

TRENT: (scared, fast) No, sir, I was just showing my girlfriend your Nazi 
plate!

LANE:  Girlfriend?

TRENT:  Her name's Daria.  She lives next door. (Daria hides behind the 
curtain as Mr. Lane looks out the window.)

LANE:  How did you get in?

TRENT:  I picked the lock, sir!

LANE:  Well, stay out.

(He leaves)

(Daria is on camera in Trent's room, wearing a black tanktop.  She covers 
her face.  We see her on the TV.)

TRENT:  Stop doing that.

DARIA:  I don't like being filmed. (she grabs the camera) There, how do you 
like it?

TRENT:  I'm fine.

DARIA:  Don't you feel naked?

(Trent looks down at himself.  We see he's naked, at least waist-up)

TRENT:  I am naked.

(Daria rolls her eyes.)

TRENT:  So your dad is going after your sister's friend, huh?

DARIA:  Yeah, he's so disgusting. (sighs) I just want a normal dad.  Not 
some horny geek boy who's gonna spray his shorts every time his daughters 
bring a girlfriend home.  What a lame-o.

TRENT:  (OS) Do you want me to kill him for you?

DARIA: (sits up, smirking) Yeah.  Would you?

TRENT:  Yeah.  But it'll cost you.

DARIA:  Well… I do have three thousand I was saving for a boob job.

(Trent turns the camera off and climbs into bed beside her.)

TRENT:  You know I'm kidding right?

DARIA: (soft) Yeah.

(Fade to black.)

(Helen is outside the next day.  She's talking with Eric on her cell phone.  
Suddenly she hears music.)

HELEN:  Sorry, Eric, I'll have to call you back.

(She zaps the garage door with the remote control and it opens, revealing 
Jake- lifting weights and listening to Pink Floyd.)

HELEN:  What the hell do you think you're doing?

(Jake sits up.)

JAKE:  Well, I intend on blasting my biceps (he tokes off a joint) and then 
I'm going to do my back.

HELEN:  I see you're smoking pot now!  Well, I think that's great!  I think 
experimenting with illegal psychotropic substances is just fine!

JAKE:  Helen, would you please go away? (pause, grin) Unless you're going to 
spot me.

HELEN:  (sputtering) You're not going to get away with this! (storms off, 
closing the door)

JAKE: (between lifts) That's… what… you… think!

(Cut to Helen and Buddy Kane at lunch.  She is leaning over the table, 
flirty-like.)

HELEN:  So I'm really sorry about you and Christy.  You seemed fine at the 
party the other night.

BUDDY:  Well, to be successful you must project an image of success at all 
times.

(Jake drives up to a drive-in window, a fast food joint called Mr. 
Smiley's.)

GIRL:  Okay, that'll be $2.99, would you like some Smiley Sauce with that?

JAKE:  I'd like to fill out an application.

GIRL:  We don't have any jobs in management, just serving.

JAKE:  Good.  I'm looking for a job with as little responsibility as 
possible.

(Jake is sitting in a booth with some guy, reviewing his resume.)

GUY:  I don't think you have what we're looking for.

JAKE:  I have experience in fast food.

GUY:  In 1972.

JAKE:  I'm fairly certain that I can handle whatever breaking technological 
advances nineties fast food has to offer.

(Back to Helen and Buddy.)

HELEN:  But isn't it hard to deal with all that stress?  I know I've got 
trouble with that.

BUDDY:  Well, you know what I do when I'm stressed out?  I go to this firing 
range and fire a gun.

HELEN:  Hmmm…

(Cut to Buddy Kane's car.  It's parked at a hotel.  We hear some rather, um… 
suggestive noises.  Yep, Helen's getting some from Buddy.  Since it's TV, I 
can't include the classic line from the movie… well, why not?)

HELEN: (censor beep) me, Your Majesty!

(There, happy?  Now, let's go see what they're up to now.)

(Helen is at the shooting range.  She's rapidly firing off rounds from a 
.45)

(A firing teacher comes up.)

MAN:  You're a natural.

HELEN:  All I know is I… love… shooting… this gun!

(She's driving home, singing to "Nobody Better Rain On My Parade.")

HELEN: "Nooo-body better rain on my parraaadde!"

(She is stopped when she pulls into the driveway.  There is a red sports car 
sitting in it.)

(She charges into the house.  Jake is siting in the living room, playing 
with a remote control version of the car.  It crashes into Helen's feet.)

HELEN:  Um, whose car is that out front?

JAKE:  Mine.  A red 1970 Pontiac Firebird.  The car I've always wanted and 
now I have it.  I rule!

HELEN:  What happened to the BMW?

JAKE:  I traded it in.

HELEN:  That was our car.  Why didn't you ask me first?

JAKE:  (looks at Helen) Because I knew you wouldn't agree.  You used to be 
so spontaneous, but not anymore.

(Jake sits next to Helen on the couch and slowly leans over her as he 
speaks.)

JAKE:  What happened to the girl who'd fake epileptic seizures when a party 
got boring?  Or run up to the roof of her apartment building and flash the 
police helicopters?  Have you forgotten about that girl, Helen?  Because I 
haven't.

(Helen is now beneath Jake on the couch.  His beer is tipped precariously 
over the armrest.)

HELEN:  Jake, you're gonna spill beer on the couch.

(Jake leaps up, angry.)

JAKE:  It's just a couch!

HELEN:  This is a four thousand dollar couch upholstered in Italian silk!  
It's not just a couch!

JAKE:  IT'S JUST A COUCH!  (sighs) That's your problem, Helen!  You only 
care about material things!  I'm trying to save our marriage!

(Helen storms up the stairs, sobbing.)

(Helen and Buddy getting drive-through food.)

HELEN:  Yes, I'll have a Smiley Burger with Smiley Sauce, large fries and a 
Coke.

VOICE:  That'll be $3.99 drive up to the first window.

(They drive up.)

HELEN:  I'm gonna need this after the workout we had this morning.

(Buddy leans over to kiss her, and gets a nasty surprise.)

JAKE:  Smile!  You're at Mr. Smiley's.

HELEN: (bust-ed) Jake!  This is Buddy Kane, we just got out of a seminar-

JAKE:  That's great, honey.  Would you like Smiley Sauce with that?

JANINE:  Ooh, you are so busted.

HELEN:  This is none of your business!

JAKE:  Actually, Janine is the assistant manager, so it is her business.

HELEN:  Stop it, please!

JAKE:  No, Helen. (leans out the window at her) You don't get to tell me 
what to do, ever again.

(Trent is sitting with the family.  His beeper goes off.  Obviously, it's 
Jake.)

TRENT:  Oh, that's my lab partner, she left her chemistry book here and she 
needs it to do the homework.  I'll be back.

(He leaves.  Mr. Lane looks suspicious and goes upstairs.)

(He enters Trent's room.  He looks around at all the videotapes, then puts 
one on.  It's Jake pumping iron.)

(He turns to the window, where it is raining outside.  Through the basement 
window of the Morgandorffers' house, Jake and Trent are visible.)

(We are now in Jake's basement.  Jake is leaning back, a coffee table 
between them.  A dime-bag is on the table, along with an ashtray and some 
papers.)

TRENT:  Here, let me show you how to roll a joint.

(Back to Mr. Lane watching.  Trent leans over to show Jake, which looks, 
ahem… really really suspicious from his point of view.  Close up on his eyes 
and we see he's tearing up.)

(Quinn and Sandi are sitting in her room.  Sandi is wearing a white 
button-down 3/4 sleeve shirt and black pants.)

QUINN:  Just don't screw my dad!

SANDI:  Why not?

QUINN:  Because, if you were my friend you wouldn't do this!

SANDI:  Sure I would.

(Trent's darkened bedroom.  Trent comes in and puts away some money.  He 
jumps when he hears Mr. Lane.)

LANE:  What were you doing?

TRENT:  Oh, I went over to see Daria for a while.

LANE:  Don't lie to me, boy!  (pause) Are you a fag?  Because I won't stand 
for it, I'd sooner kick you out of my house and never associate with you 
again than have my son be a fag!

TRENT:  Yeah, dad, that's it.  I suck dick for money!  There's two thousand 
dollars over there, that's how good I am!

LANE:  Shut up!

TRENT: Oh yeah, I'm the best piece of ass in three states!  You gonna kick 
me out, Dad?

LANE:  Get out of my house.

(Trent leaves)

(He goes downstairs where his mother is standing.)

TRENT:  Mom… I have to go away for a while.

MRS LANE: Wear a raincoat.

(He nods, hugs her and walks out the door.)

(Jake is pumping up in the garage.  A tapping stops him.  It's Mr. Lane, 
dripping wet from the storm.  Jake opens the garage door.  Mr. Lane is 
clearly upset, though Jake doesn't know what from.)

JAKE:  What's wrong, Vincent?  Are you okay?

VINCE: I'm sorry, never mind.

JAKE:  No, it's okay?  No one else is here, but whatever it is, I can help?

VINCE:  Where's your wife?

JAKE:  Off banging her colleague.  And you know what?  I don't care.

VINCE:  You don't care that your wife's with another man?

JAKE:  Our marriage is all for show, anyway.  We're more screwed up than you 
could imagine. (pause) Now let's get you out of those wet clothes.

(Vincent nods, then leans in to kiss Jake.  Jake pushes him off gently.)

JAKE:  Whoa, whoa. (pause) You got the wrong idea.

(Vincent is humiliated.  He backs away, leaving.)

JAKE:  No, it's okay.  Are you going to be okay?

(Vincent nods and walks off into the rain.)

(Helen and Buddy pull into the parking lot of the hotel.)

BUDDY:  Wow, that's rough.

(Helen sobs and says nothing.)

BUDDY:  So, I think we better break it off… for our sake.

HELEN: Yeah.

(Buddy gets out of her car and gets into his.  He drives away.)

(Helen looks strangely calm.  Then… she snaps.)

HELEN:  AAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!

(Quinn and Sandi are still there, but Daria is as well.)

SANDI:  Why is your cousin here?

DARIA:  I just got tired of playing my harmonica.

(A knock at the door.)

QUINN:  Dad… GO AWAY!

(Trent bursts in.)

TRENT:  If I had to leave tonight would you come with me?

SANDI:  What?!

TRENT:  If I had to leave, and go to New York, tonight, would you come with 
me?

DARIA:  Yes.

SANDI/QUINN:  WHAT?!

SANDI:  What is wrong with you?  He's a freak!

QUINN:  How are you going to live?  What. Are you just going to live In a 
box?

DARIA:  We can use my plastic surgery money.

TRENT:  We don't need it.  I know people who can help us out until we get 
settled.

SANDI:  What, other drug dealers?

TRENT:  Yes.

SANDI:  God, he is such a freak.

DARIA:  Yeah, he is!  And so am I!  And we'll always be freaks together, and 
you couldn't be a freak if you tried!  You're too perfect!

(Sandi sits down on the bed.)

SANDI:  Well, at least I'm not ugly.

TRENT:  Yes you are.  And you're boring.  And you're completely ordinary and 
you know it.

(Sandi runs out of the room crying.)

(Helen is parked outside the house.  She is listening to a self help tape, 
and she has the gun in her hand, ready to use it.)

TAPE:  To keep from being a victim, you must first refuse to be a victim.  
Say it with me: "I refuse to be a victim."

HELEN:  (softly) I refuse to be a victim.  I refuse to be a victim.

(Sandi is sitting in the living room crying.  Jake comes in.)

MUSIC:  "Don't Let It Bring You Down" Annie Lennox

JAKE:  Hey, Sandi, what's wrong?

SANDI:  Me and Quinn had a fight.

JAKE:  Oh, what was it about?

(He comes over and sits next to her.)

SANDI:  It was about you. (sniffle)

(Jake looks at her, anticipating the response.)

SANDI:  She got mad because I said you were sexy.  I’m sorry.

JAKE:  There’s nothing to be sorry about.

(They kiss.)

(Back to Helen in the car.  She’s got the gun in her mouth, sobbing.  She’s 
about to pull the trigger when she throws it down, and switches off the 
tape.)

HELEN:  I refuse to be a victim!

(Jake and Sandi are on the couch.  Jake is unbuttoning Sandi’s shirt.)

SANDI:  This is my first time.

(Jake pulls back, incredulous.)

JAKE:  It is?

SANDI:  (teary) I just wanted you to know in case I wasn’t… good?

(Jake gives her a hug.)

JAKE:  You’d be great, and whoever is your first would be a very lucky man.

(Sandi buttons her shirt back up.  Cut to them at the kitchen table, 
drinking cocoa.)

JAKE:  So how’s Quinn?

SANDI:  She’s okay.

JAKE:  And what about Daria?  Do you talk to her much?

SANDI:  She’s happy.  She thinks she’s in love.

(Jake smiles affectionately.)

SANDI:  How are you?

(Jake is touched that she cares.)

JAKE:  (surprised) I’m great.

SANDI:  I have to go to the bathroom. (leaves)

(Jake picks up a picture.  It’s of him, Helen, Daria and Quinn about fifteen 
years ago.  Quinn is a baby and Daria looks to be about two.)

JAKE:  Man, oh, man.

(As he speaks, the barrel of a gun creeps up behind his head, and we hear 
the shot.  Blood spatters on the white wall.)

(We see Daria and Trent lying on the bed.  They hear a shot and sit up.  Cut 
to them entering the room.  Trent walks over to Jake.  Jake is smiling, and 
looks at peace.  Trent smiles back.)

(Sandi is looking in the mirror.  She hears the shot and turns around.)

(Helen slams her bedroom door behind her and sobs.  She runs over to the 
hamper and shoves the gun in it.)

(Mr. Lane is wiping the blood off his gun.  We now see the same pan down the 
street we did at the beginning.)

JAKE:  (VO) They say when you die, your life flashes before your eyes.  It’s 
more like you relive it.  I saw myself watching fireflies on a warm June 
night… and the day my cousin got his Pontiac Firebird.  I suppose I could be 
angry about what happened to me.  But sometimes, there’s so much beauty in 
the world, it’s like my heart swells up like a balloon and I can’t take it.  
I don’t blame you if you don’t know what I’m talking about.  But don’t 
worry…

(Fade to black.)

JAKE:  (VO) You will someday.

AUTHORIAL NOTES

	It occurred to me to write this fanfic, natch, while watching the movie 
American Beauty.  It suddenly popped into my head the similarities between 
Beauty's Lester Burnham and Daria's Jake Morgandorffer.  Both are suburban 
fathers ignored by their families.  Helen Morgandorffer is also quite 
similar to Beauty's Carolyn Burnham, in that they are overworked, uptight 
mothers.  Carolyn apparently was wild in her youth, and as we all know, 
Helen was somewhat of a flower child.  The characters to fill the places of 
Jane, Angela and Ricky were more complicated.  Quinn does not have a 
significant role here.  She is merely a vehicle for Sandi to enter the 
picture.  Daria, of course, fills the Jane role, and Trent is Ricky Fitts.  
Jane Lane is merely there in order to establish another connection (Trent is 
a bit old to be in Daria's school, hmmm?).