"We Are Not Amused"
by Invisigoth Gypsy (IvG@garnetsigma.com)
http://www.garnetsigma.com
12-19-98
Summary: When Mystik Sprial is asked to play at Lawndale's new amusement park, Jane and Daria go along. However, when some familiar faces show up, they find out that things--and people--aren't exactly what they seem.
Notes and stuff:
So I don't have to explain it in the story, here's a list of the members of Conformity For Hire:
Wes... lead vocals, guitar
Peter... guitar, vocals
Jon... bass
Erik... drums
I've also taken the liberty of actually using all of Mystik Spiral in here and giving them personalities. For the purposes of this story, Jesse and Max are renting a small house together. Everything else should be about like normal :)
Thanks to Michelle for the "battle of the bands" plot idea! Also thanks to Elizabeth for Gregory's name and for her help with the plot, and thanks to Scott for naming a wrestler for me to profane ;)
(Scene opens in Ms. Barch's science class at Lawndale High as she is teaching about subatomic particles.)
MS. BARCH: ...and so the nucleus of an atom is postively charged, as it is made up of neutrons and protons. The negatively charged electrons only orbit the nucleus. Just like *men*, staying as far away from women as they can, yet relying entirely on them! It's no *wonder* that electrons are negatively charged.
(Cut to a shot of Daria and Jane. They exchange looks. Cut back to Ms. Barch.)
MS. BARCH: Although the protons have the same charge, which usually repels particles, they stay together because they have a strong attraction to each other. Now, are there any questions before we move on to the electron cloud?
(Cut to shot of the class. A girl with a pierced lip and short, spikey blond hair streaked with purple mascara raises her hand.)
MS. BARCH: (offscreen VO) Yes, Veronica?
VEROINCA: So, like, the protons are sorta the lesbians of the subatomic world, or whatever?
(Cut to shot of Ms. Barch. She looks pleased.)
MS. BARCH: Very *good* analogy, Veronica! You'll get five extra points on your next text for illustrating the nucleus so well.
(Cut to shot of the class again. Kevin looks puzzled.)
KEVIN: But, like, why are the protons chicks? Couldn't they be guys?
(Cut back to Ms. Barch, looking annoyed.)
MS. BARCH: Kevin, quit confusing the class. Minus five points.
KEVIN: (offscreen VO) Awwwwwww, *dang*!
MS. BARCH: Now, the electrons are divided into four main energy levels, and these levels are further divided into orbitals. The first energy level contains one orbital, called the s orbital. The second level contains an s orbital and a p orbital. The *third* level contains s and p orbitals and a d orbital, while the fourth energy level contains s, p, and d orbitals, along with an f orbital.
(Cut to a shot of the class. They look completely lost. Cut back to Ms. Barch.)
MS. BARCH: Um, does anyone have a trick for remembering the orbitals?
(Cut to a shot showing the class and Ms. Barch. Mack raises his hand.)
MS. BARCH: Shut up, Mack. How about you, Jane?
(Cut to shot of Jane.)
JANE: Well, each letter *does* stand for a different cuss word.
(Cut back to Ms. Barch.)
MS. BARCH: That's very... interesting, Jane. Anyone else?
(Cut to shot of Brittany as she jumps up out of her seat.)
BRITTANY: I know! I can do a cheer to help everyone remember the little orbit thingies!
MS. BARCH: Uh...
(Brittany runs up to the front of the room.)
BRITTANY: Ready? OK! S! S P! S-P-D, S-P-D-F! S! S P! S-P--
MS. BARCH: *Good*, Brittany, that's enough. You can sit down now.
(As Brittany returns to her seat, Ms. Barch addresses the class once more.)
MS. BARCH: For homework this weekend, the girls are to answer questions one through five at the end of the chapter. Boys are to answer the questions, write a five-page summary of the chapter, and build a model of an atom of molybdenum. Have a good weekend.
(Cut to Daria and Jane walking to their lockers after the class.)
JANE: Isn't it amazing how Brittany has the power to apply cheerleading to any topic *at all*?
DARIA: Heaven forbid we forget what's really important at school.
(They look at each other.)
JANE & DARIA: (simultaneously) Conformity.
(Cut to them walking home after school.)
JANE: So what's on your agenda for tomorrow?
DARIA: Oh, the usual. Save the world, find a cure for cancer, go clothes shopping. You?
JANE: You know that new amusement park that opened today?
(Daria nods.)
JANE: Count me in as a patron.
DARIA: (surprised) You, at an amusement park? It's the end of the world as we know it.
JANE: And you feel fine?
DARIA: Actually I just feel disgusted with life, but hey.
JANE: Can't say that I blame you. Anyway, Mystik Spiral's supposed to perform there at eleven, and Trent's dragging me along...
DARIA: Ah. (deadpan) Why am I getting a prickly feeling along my spine?
JANE: ...and you're coming with me.
DARIA: Me and my telekinesis. Why do *I* have to come?
JANE: (smirks) Three words: Trent in action.
DARIA: (glares) This is a set-up, right?
(They reach Daria's house and pause in front.)
JANE: Would you rather stay home with Helen and Jake for a little parent-daughter bonding?
DARIA: I'd rather build a model of molybdenum.
JANE: Good, we'll pick you up at nine-thirty.
DARIA: But--
(Jane starts walking off.)
JANE: See you then!
(Daria sighs.)
DARIA: (to herself) Now, why is it again that I feel as if the whole world is conspiring against me?
(Cut to the Morgendorffers at dinner later that night. Quinn is picking at her lasagna and sighing melodramatically at intervals, waiting to be noticed. When no one says anything to her after a moment, she glares, then sighs again very loudly. Helen looks up.)
HELEN: Is something wrong, honey?
QUINN: (dramatically, with an air of self-sacrifice) Oh, no, I'm just fine.
HELEN: Oh, all right then.
(She goes back to eating. Quinn glares again.)
DARIA: Quinn, if I ask you what's wrong, will you quit sighing?
QUINN: (plunging ahead) I have a terrible decision to make tonight, and I don't know *what* I'm going to do!
DARIA: What, 'Fashion World' and 'The Shoe Chronicles' are airing at the same time tonight?
QUINN: (sincerely) No, thank God it isn't *that* bad. (upset again) Both Gabe *and* Forrest have asked me to go to the new amusement park with them tomorrow, and I can't decide which one to go with!
HELEN: (puts down her fork) Well, sweetie, which one do you like more?
QUINN: That's just it, I don't know! See, Gabe has this *really* great new silver sports car, but Forrest has a beach house, and you *know* it's almost summer. What am I going to do?
DARIA: Gee, why don't you go with *both* of them?
QUINN: (brightens) Wow, that's a great idea! You know Daria, sometimes it's *nice* having a brain for a sister.
DARIA: (deadpan) Oh stop, I'm blushing.
HELEN: (a little nonplussed) So, Daria, what are *your* plans for the weekend?
DARIA: I'm going to try to take over the world.
JAKE: Wow, hear that, Helen? I *told* you Daria's ambition would take her far!
DARIA: I was kidding, Dad.
JAKE: Oh. (He resumes stuffing his face with lasagna.)
HELEN: Seriously, Daria...
DARIA: I'm going to that park with Jane.
QUINN: (horrified) What? *You're* going to be there?
DARIA: Yes. Look for the clown wearing a neon orange wig. That will be me.
QUINN: (relieved) Oh, well that's all right then. Just don't talk to me, okay?
(Cut to close-up of Daria looking deadpan.)
(Cut to Daria in her room the next morning. She is wearing the t-shirt and shorts she sleeps in and is peering into her closet. Cut to her POV. We see that she is looking at two outfits: her black t-shirt and jeans ensemble and her white-tank-top-black-jeans getup. Cut back to shot of Daria from inside the closet as she looks from one outfit to the other.)
(Cut to a POV just behind Jane as she rings Daria's doorbell. The door opens to show Daria, wearing her usual jacket-and-skirt outfit. Cut to shot of them both.)
JANE: All set for some good ol' fashioned fun?
DARIA: Fun? Excuse me a second... I need to get my dictionary.
(The two walk to the Tank, which is parked outside Daria's house. Max is behind the wheel with Nick beside him. Jane opens the side door; Trent and Jesse are sitting on the floor in the back with lots 'n' lots of equipment. Jane climbs in and sits between Jesse and a amplifier, while Daria peers awkwardly inside.)
TRENT: Hey Daria. Just squeeze in somewhere.
DARIA: Umm... 'kay.
(She gets in and sits as far away from Trent as possible. Jane shuts the door and off they go.)
NICK: (over his shoulder) Hey Jane.
MAX: (glancing in the rear-view mirror) Yeah, hey.
JANE: (obviously at ease with the band) Hey guys. How's it going?
MAX: (with Trent's zen-like attitude) You know. We're here, we're gonna make music, it's all cool.
JANE: (rolls her eyes at Daria) Yeah.
TRENT: Guys, this is Janey's friend Daria.
NICK: (turns around in his seat) Hey. I've seen you at the gigs. Nice to meet you.
DARIA: (a little surprised) Thanks, you too.
MAX: Hey Daria. (to Trent, still through the mirror) She's the cool chick, right?
TRENT: Yah.
(Jane gives Daria a knowing look; Daria glares.)
MAX: So like, what sort of gig is this anyway, Trent?
TRENT: Just the usual.
NICK: (grumbling) They could have given us a little more notice.
TRENT: (persuasively) It's not a problem, man, I mean we just play the usual set.
MAX: 'Sides, it's a *gig*, Nick. You know. Money. (He holds his hand up and rubs his fingers together with a grin.)
(Trent looks a little uncomfortable. Max pulls up at the site of the new park, on the outskirts of Lawndale.)
MAX: Well, here we are.
TRENT: (somewhat pointedly) Jane, Daria, will you go find out where we're s'posed to unload the stuff?
JANE: (cheerfully) Yeah, sure, make us do the dirty work. C'mon, Daria.
(She and Daria get out and head for the park entrance.)
JANE: Wonder what Trent was all uptight about. He looked worried. (slyly) Maybe he was worried about impressing someone...
DARIA: Or maybe he was worried about his sister getting murdered behind the Ferris Wheel.
(Cut to the two going back to the Tank. Jane goes up to Max's window.)
JANE: The guy at the gate said to pull around to the back entrance and unload there. (She notices that the boys look rather sullen.) What's wrong?
MAX: (glaring) Trent forgot to mention that we're not getting paid for this gig.
TRENT: (voice over from the back of the Tank) Geez, Max, what happened to playing for the sake of the music?
MAX: (over his shoulder) That's great when you're not counting on a gig paying for this month's rent. (He sighs and starts the Tank again.) Let's go find that back entrance.
(Cut to the band onstage a little later. Jesse and Nick are setting up the drums while Max and Trent are looking at a program.)
MAX: Cool, we're on first.
TRENT: Yeah. Then there's a tae kwon do demonstration, then... aw, *hell*.
(Jane and Daria walk over.)
JANE: What's the matter?
TRENT: Look!
(He hands the program to Jane. Cut to her and Daria's POV as they look at it. Listed after the TKD demo is a gig by Conformity For Hire. Cut to shot of the four.)
JANE: To quote our dear friend Brittany, eep.
MAX: What's wrong?
JANE: (warningly) Trent, didn't you tell them about--
(Nick and Jesse come over, having overheard.)
NICK: What *else* didn't you tell us, Lane?
TRENT: (sighs) It's a long story.
(Fade to a few minutes later.)
MAX: So you were thinking about joining another band without telling us?
TRENT: (awkwardly) Well... I told Jesse.
JESSE: (apologetically) I was gonna tell you guys, but I fell asleep.
NICK: (glares at Trent) Anything *else* you care to mention?
(Trent glares back and starts to speak, but Daria intervenes.)
DARIA: Look, it's no big deal. You guys go on and play, then you can be gone before Conformity even gets here. They don't come on until one.
MAX: (quickly) You're right, let's just concentrate on playing. It's nearly eleven anyway. (He looks pointedly from Nick to Trent, who are still glaring.) *Okay*?
TRENT: (still glaring) Fine.
NICK: (glaring right back) Fine.
(Daria and Jane go to sit in the stands in front of the stage. A vendor walks by selling cotton candy, and Daria buys a bag.)
JANE: Daria the peace-maker.
DARIA: Yeah, whatever. I just want to get out of here before Wes and company show up.
(Jane suddenly stares over Daria's shoulder.)
JANE: Too late.
(Daria turns to see Wes, Erik, Jon, and Peter sitting down in the stands.)
DARIA: (glaring) Oh goodie.
(Cut to Mystik Spiral onstage. Trent notices the other band and looks noticably worried, then his face hardens and he takes his place in front of the band. Cut to Trent's POV; besides Conformity and the girls, the audience consists of mostly parents with young children. Cut back to Trent.)
TRENT: Hi, we're Mystik Spiral. Our first song today is called "Angst."
(Cut to a shot of the whole band from the audience's POV. They start playing a guitar-heavy, metal song. After a moment Trent begins to scream--er, sing.)
TRENT: You tell me it's over, that you love me no more. Then how come I still love you, you stupid little who--
(Trent breaks off as there is a sudden cut to his POV. Conformity looks bored, Daria and Jane look deadpan, and the rest of the audience looks absolutely stricken. Cut back to a worried Trent as MS trails off.)
TRENT: Uh... just a moment, please.
(The band forms a quick huddle.)
TRENT: (in a low voice) I don't think our regular play list is gonna do, guys.
NICK: (nearly fuming) Oh, this is just *great*. Dammit Trent--
MAX: Calm down, for God's sake, Nick.
NICK: Yeah? Well what are we gonna play?
JESSE: How about the theme from "Raw Hide"?
(The other three stare at him.)
NICK: *"Raw Hide"*?
JESSE: (shrugs) It worked for the Blues Brothers.
MAX: Uh, Jess, not this time, okay? (He looks at Trent.) All right, so what are we gonna play?
(Cut to Daria and Jane.)
JANE: I wonder what happened.
DARIA: I think Mystik Spiral finally met an audience they didn't like.
JANE: At least they *have* an audience this time. But what are they going to play?
DARIA: Simple. Most of the people here are aged baby boomers with small children. Oldies, of course.
(Cut back to Mystik Spiral on the stage.)
TRENT: Simple. Most of the people here are aged baby boomers with small children. Oldies, of course.
JESSE: Oh, like Black Sabbath?
TRENT: Um, I was thinking more like the Platters.
JESSE: *Who?*
TRENT: (sighs) Never mind. (He looks over at Jane and Daria, particularly at Daria's cotton candy, then suddenly brightens.) I got it! Jess, you remember that song I was working on the cover for? About the candy?
JESSE: Yeah. It made me hungry.
TRENT: We'll start with that one. I'm sure you guys've heard it, you can pick up after me and Jess do a little of it.
MAX: (doubtfully) If you say so.
NICK: You'd better know what you're doing, Trent.
(Cut to Conformity For Hire. Jon and Peter look bored, but Wes looks very pleased at MS's distress. However, Mystik Spiral retakes their positions on the stage, looking determined.)
TRENT: Sorry about that little interruption. Here we go!
(He and Jesse begin playing the old song "Sugar Sugar." After a moment, Max picks up on the drum beat.)
TRENT: (beginning to sing) Honey, oh sugar, sugar... you are my candy girl... And you've got me wanting you...
(Nick recognizes the song and comes in on an improvised bass. Cut to shot of the audience as the song continues. The parents look relieved and begin to enjoy themselves. Jane and Daria smile; Wes glares. Cut to close-up of Conformity.)
WES: Man, don't they suck?
(Erik looks a little surprised, remembering that Wes had wanted Trent in their band. He says nothing, however.)
JON: (boredly) Yeah.
PETER: (more enthusiastically, in a Valley, Michaelangelo-the-Ninja-Turtle accent) Like, no kidding. They're totally awful.
ERIK: C'mon, guys, they're not *that* bad--
WES: (glares) Shows how much *you* know, dumbass.
(Erik looks hurt, but shuts up.)
(Cut to later, after Mystik Spiral has finished performing. Daria and Jane go up on the stage to help the boys pack their gear.)
JANE: Nice save there, Trent.
TRENT: (modestly) Yeah, well. I guess we did all right.
NICK: (grudgingly) Yeah. But this'd better not happen again.
JANE: Are you guys leaving now?
TRENT: I guess.
JANE: I'm gonna stick around a while.
TRENT: Cool. You staying, Daria, or you want to ride home with us?
DARIA: (quickly) I'll stay with Jane.
TRENT: 'Kay. See you later.
(Daria walks off hurriedly, followed by Jane.)
JANE: (slyly) Why didn't you ride with them?
DARIA: I *knew* this was a set-up.
JANE: (smirks) You know me all too well.
(They walk past Conformity For Hire, who is standing in a small group behind the stands. Wes, Jon, and Peter are talking, and Erik is standing on the edge of the group. He watches Daria and Jane walk past, then looks at the other band members. They aren't paying attention to him at all, and he slips away unnoticed.)
(Cut to Erik approaching Mystik Spiral as they're loading the Tank. He goes over to Trent.)
ERIK: Hey, you guys did good.
(Trent looks at him and glares.)
TRENT: What are *you* doing here?
NICK: (aggressively, loyalty to the band taking precedence over his and Trent's differences) Yeah, are you messing with my boy?
(Erik holds his hands up.)
ERIK: No, man, just saying you guys did a good job.
MAX: (guardedly) Thanks. (to the rest of the band) Come on, we're outta here.
(They get in the Tank quickly. Jesse, getting in last, gives Erik an apologetic look before shutting the door. They drive off, leaving Erik behind, looking miserable.)
(Cut to Daria and Jane walking around the park. They stop at a stand to buy drinks.)
JANE: Hey, there's your *cousin*.
(Daria turns to see Quinn standing with two guys, presumably Gabe and Forrest a few yards away.)
DARIA: Oh God, I don't know if I can contain my joy.
(Erik slowly comes up behind the two girls.)
ERIK: Um, hey.
(Jane turns around in surprise, then narrows her eyes.)
JANE: What do *you* want?
ERIK: I just wanted to talk, honest.
JANE: Then talk.
DARIA: (sensing that Erik is actually upset) Let's go sit down.
(As they are walking over to a table, Gabe spots them.)
GABE: Hey, Quinn, isn't that your cousin?
QUINN: (worriedly) Where? (She spots Daria, then looks more interested when she sees Erik.) Uh, hey, you guys? Why don't you go to the ball toss booth and win me a stuffed animal or something?
FORREST: Sure, Quinn!
GABE: Anything you say!
(They hurry off, each trying to stay ahead of the other. Quinn approaches Jane, Daria, and Erik.)
QUINN: (brightly) *Hi* Daria.
DARIA: (puzzled) Uh, hi Quinn.
QUINN: (to Erik) Hi, I'm Quinn, who are you?
ERIK: Erik.
QUINN: *Really*?
(She follows the three to a table and sits down beside him as Jane and Daria sit on the other side.)
QUINN: So, do you have a girlfriend?
ERIK: Uh, no.
QUINN: Really, what a coincedence, I don't have a boyfriend either. (quickly) Not that I couldn't *get* one or something, but I'm between them right now.
ERIK: (looked a little hunted) Really.
QUINN: Yeah, and--
DARIA: (interrupting) Hey Quinn, I just saw Sandi go by. She was looking at you very strangely.
QUINN: Sandi? (panicking) Is my hair messed up or something? Why would she be--(She looks down and notices some red dirt on her shirt.) Oh no, my shirt's dirty! I can't let her see me like this!
(She gets up and hurries off.)
DARIA: Who says that gullibility isn't a gift?
ERIK: Who *was* that?
JANE: A figment of your imagination. (sharply) Now what is it you want?
ERIK: (looks down) I, uh, just wanted to apologize for the way I acted to you two a while back. I tried to talk to Trent, but he wouldn't listen to me.
JANE: (still annoyed) I can't say that I blame him.
ERIK: I know, it's just... (He sighs restlessly.) If you knew Wes, you'd understand. He's just so... he makes me feel so *dumb* when I don't do what he wants, and if he knew that I was talking to you now, he'd be *really* pissed. He'd probably kick me out of the band.
JANE: If it's so damn awful then, why do you stay in it?
DARIA: (quickly) Look, I understand, Erik. It's okay.
(He looks up a little.)
DARIA: It's just probably not the best idea for you to try to talk to Trent or the other guys in the band.
ERIK: (looking down again) Yeah, I guess you're right. (He stands up.) Well, uh, thanks for listening to me.
(He walks off quickly. Jane glares.)
JANE: Wonder what all *that* was about.
DARIA: (looking after Erik) I think he was really sorry.
JANE: (indignant) That jerk? Are you kidding?
DARIA: (firmly) No. I'm not.
JANE: Yeah, whatever. (She stands up.) Hey, I wanna go see the tae kwon do demo. You coming?
(Daria stands up.)
DARIA: Sure. Nothing like watching people kick each other in the face to brighten a girl's day.
(Cut to Jane and Daria as they sit down once more on the bleachers. The TKD demo has already started, and as they are watching, Monique [from "Pierce Me"] walks over to them and sits down.)
MONIQUE: Hey, you're Trent's kid sister, right?
JANE: (glances at Monique, annoyed at being distracted from the demo) Yeah. Hey, Monique.
MONIQUE: And you're... Delia, right?
DARIA: Daria.
MONIQUE: How's the piercing?
DARIA: It grew in. After the aliens planted their transmitting device in my navel.
MONIQUE: (distractedly) Oh, that sucks. Least you can always get it re-pierced. (to Jane) Say, is Trent around?
(Daria glares.)
JANE: No, he and the other guys left a while ago.
MONIQUE: Damn. Oh well.
(She leans back on the bleachers. Jane glares again and moves a little away from her, then turns back to the demo.)
MONIQUE: So what are you kids doing here?
DARIA: (pointedly) Trying to watch the tae kwon do demo.
JANE: (gets a sly look on her face) Trent wanted Daria to come watch Mystik Spiral perform earlier.
(Daria gives Jane a surprised look.)
MONIQUE: (looks a little annoyed) Really.
(Jane looks at Daria and grins. Daria narrows her eyes, then turns back to the demo once more. Cut to shot of the stage as the instructor announces the last student to perform.)
INSTRUCTOR: Miss Jessica Griffin, first degree black belt.
(A teenaged girl with chin-length dark hair steps up to the instructor, and they bow to each other before she begins her form. Cut back to shot of Daria, Jane, and Monique.)
JANE: Wow, she's good. (a little wistfully) I wish I could do that.
DARIA: No one would ever laugh at you again, that's for sure.
MONIQUE: (condescendingly) Oh come on, don't you two know that all that karate stuff is fake?
JANE: Hunh?
MONIQUE: You know, it's, like, all just an act.
DARIA: Um, that's wrestling.
(Monique stares at her.)
MONIQUE: Wrestling's *fake*?
DARIA: 'Fraid so.
JANE: Yup. Stone Cold Steve Austin's just a big fraud.
(Monique looks positively horrified.)
MONIQUE: God, no!
(She jumps up and hurries off, looking pale.)
DARIA: *You* get to tell her that Celebrity Deathmatch is just claymation.
JANE: I'd rather tell Jesse that Santa Claus isn't real.
(Daria looks surprised.)
DARIA: Jesse still believes in Santa Claus?
JANE: Well, every year he puts out cookies, and every year they're gone the next morning. *My* theory is that Jess gets up and eats them in his sleep, but then, who's to say? (She shrugs.)
(Cut to their POV of the stage as the TKD students are clearing out. Wes and the rest of Conformity except for Erik come out and begin setting up their equipment. Cut back to Daria and Jane.)
JANE: (fiercely) I hope they suck. I hope they really, *really* suck.
DARIA: There's always sabotage, you know.
(Unexpectedly, Quinn wanders over, looking dejected. Her hair is messed up, there is a wet stain on her shirt where she tried to wash off the dirt, and she is alone.)
DARIA: Did reality finally attack?
QUINN: (oblivious) No, but today totally *sucks*.
JANE: Where're your groupies?
QUINN: (scowls and points) Over there.
(Cut to shot of Gabe and Forrest talking animatedly to the black belt. Cut back to Quinn.)
QUINN: (still scowling) I don't see why they want to talk to *her*. She's all... sweaty and stuff.
DARIA: (deadpan) Oh yes, bodily functions are *so* disgusting.
QUINN: (more brightly) So, who's that guy you two were with? If he wasn't pierced and wore nicer clothes and grew his hair out a little, he might be kind of cute.
DARIA: He's in this band that's about to perform. (puzzled) I wonder where he is, anyway.
(Cut to the band up on stage. Erik arrives, out of breath, and grabs his guitar. Wes glares.)
WES: Where *were* you?
ERIK: Just... around. I didn't realize what time it was.
WES: Dammit, Erik, is this band important to you at *all*?
ERIK: Yeah, man, 'course.
WES: (scowls) Then act like it.
(He turns away from Erik and steps up to the microphone. From his POV, we see that the audience now consists of mostly teens and young adults, many of them punks or goths. Monique has returned and is talking quietly to a very skinny man with long hair dyed black and sunglasses. Cut to shot of Wes and the band.)
WES: We're Conformity For Hire, and we're here for one reason: To prove that we're the best band *ever*!
(Cut to Daria and Jane.)
JANE: This may take awhile.
(Cut back to the band.)
WES: Our first song is called "In the Middle." Let's go!
(They begin to play music that is similar to Mystik Spiral's sound, but more punk-influenced. Unfortunately, they perform rather well.)
(Fade to later, as the band is playing their last song, a cover of Goldfinger's "Answers." Cut to Daria, Jane, and Quinn.)
QUINN: (making a face) Their music was *awful*! That guy isn't so cool after all.
(She gets up and stalks off.)
JANE: I wish I could agree with her, but they're actually... good.
(As the song ends, the two girls stand up.)
DARIA: Can we go home now? I've had enough good ol' fashioned down home fun for one day.
JANE: Yeah, let's--hey, wait a minute. Look!
(She points to where the long-haired man who was talking to Monique is approaching the stage.)
DARIA: Looks like Marilyn Manson decided to take in the show.
JANE: (interested) No, that's Gregory McGrundy, the manager of the pub. I wonder what he's up to. (She motions to Daria.) C'mon, let's go listen.
DARIA: All right, Nancy Drew, if you insist.
(They slip up to the stage unnoticed as Gregory starts talking to Wes. The other three members crowd around.)
GREGORY: Hey, I'm Gregory, manager of McGrundy's pub here in Lawndale. You guys are, you know, excellent.
WES: (smugly) Thanks, man.
GREGORY: I was just thinking, we could, you know, use a change around the place, you know, lighten the dark mood, make it a little, you know, rougher. And you guys would be a *perfect* start.
WES: (smiling slimily) Yeah, whatever we can do to help, man, we'll be glad to.
GREGORY: That's just great, you know. How would you guys like to take a gig Sunday night? Sort of a, you know, test run.
WES: (without consulting the band) Sure, man, we'd love to.
(Cut to Jane and Daria. Jane grabs Daria's arm and drags her off, fuming.)
JANE: Can you believe it? That *jerk* offered them Mystik Spiral's gig! We're going to have to do something.
DARIA: I hear that icicles make good murder weapons. No fingerprints, just a puddle of bloody water.
JANE: A little warm for that. We'll have to use Plan B.
DARIA: Which is?
JANE: (grimaces) Tell Trent.
(Cut to close-up of furious Trent.)
TRENT: *What*?
(Pull back to show Trent, Daria, and Jane in Trent's room. Trent and Jane are standing, while Daria is sitting awkwardly on the bed.)
JANE: (doggedly) Gregory's given your gig to Conformity For Hire.
(Trent starts pacing back and forth, raging.)
TRENT: I can't be*lieve* this! We've played that gig for months! They *like* us! Why would he do this to us?
DARIA: (hesitantly) Well, he said he wanted a band that was a little less...
(Trent spins around to face Daria and looks at her with narrowed eyes.)
TRENT: (dangerously) A little less *what*?
DARIA: (weakly) Morbid?
TRENT: Morbid? *Morbid*? Are you *kidding* me? (practically yelling) Just because we do songs about *reality*, where everything isn't *perfect*, just 'cos we tell the truth, we're *morbid*?
(Daria glares and stands up, not taking well to being yelled at.)
DARIA: It can't help that every song you sing sounds like you're whining to music!
TRENT: *Whining*?
DARIA: Maybe you played some *real* music, then you'd still have your gig!
TRENT: *Real* music?
DARIA: (snarling) What, is there an echo in here?
TRENT: (furious) How should I expect *you* to understand anyway? You wouldn't know good music if it hit you over the head!
DARIA: Maybe because I haven't heard any from *you*!
JANE: Umm, you guys--
(Trent and Daria glare at Jane.)
TRENT & DARIA: (simultaneouly) Shut up, Jane!
JANE: (meekly) Sorry.
DARIA: (snapping) I'm going home. (She stalks to the door then turns around. to Trent) See you in the unemployment line. (She leaves, slamming the door on the way out.)
TRENT: The unemployment line?!?
JANE: (forcefully) Trent, calm *down*. Do you realize that you just cussed Daria out for no reason at all?
TRENT: But she said--(He stops and calms down visibly.) You're right. (He looks toward the door.) I should--
JANE: (firmly)--stay away from her for awhile.
(Trent's shoulders sag a little.)
TRENT: But I didn't mean... I'm not even mad at *her*. It's those stupid losers who stole our gig! And now Daria... (He looks rather dejected.)
JANE: You can apologize to her later, Trent. Right now, you need to do something about the gig tomorrow night.
TRENT: Yeah, you're right, Janey. Come on.
(Fade to Max's and Jesse's house, later. Mystik Spiral and Jane are sitting on the floor in the small living room.)
NICK: (glaring) This is great. This is just great. What the *hell* are we gonna do about *this* one?
MAX: I guess we oughta call Gregory and find out what's going on.
TRENT: (sullenly) *I'm* not talking to him.
MAX: Then I will. I want to know what happened.
(He picks up a portable phone lying on the table and dials.)
MAX: Hello? Gregory, it's Max, from Mystik Spiral. (pause) Yeah. Listen, I heard that you hired another band to fill our spot tomorrow night. (pause) It doesn't matter how I know, is it *true*? (pause) *Why*? (pause) Well you should *come* to us with these things, Greg, we could have worked it out. (pause) But *still*, it's *our* gig, and--(pause, tiredly) Yeah. I see. (pause) Okay. (pause) O*kay*. (pause) Yeah. See ya.
(He hangs up and turns to face the others, who are looking at him expectantly.)
MAX: (resignedly) It's like Jane told it, he wanted a different sound, something less dark, more metal. He said it's just a trial run tomorrow night, but... if they're good, he's keeping them on. And dropping us.
NICK: (furiously) Those bastards, those damn--
MAX: Look, there's nothing we can do about it, Nick. Getting mad's not gonna help.
NICK: But--
TRENT: He's right, there's nothing we can do.
JESSE: (suddenly) Maybe... we could talk to them?
(The others turn and stare at him.)
JESSE: Maybe they don't know it's our gig.
NICK: You think *that's* going to work? You've got less in your head than I thought, Moreno.
JANE: Well why can't you *try* it? It might work.
NICK: *I'm* not going to talk to those losers.
JANE: Then you don't have to go. (to the other three) But you guys really should. Drive over to Manningham tomorrow and *talk* to them.
TRENT: I guess we *could*... There was an address on that program. (hopefully) You and Daria coming, Janey?
JANE: I think you guys oughta go by yourselves.
MAX: Yeah, she's right. (to Jane) I don't want you girls to have to solve our problems for us.
JANE: (smiles a little) But Max, that's what we do best.
(Cut to Trent, Max, and Jesse in Trent's car the next morning, as they're driving out to Manningham, where Conformity For Hire is based. Trent glances over at Jesse.)
TRENT: Why'd you decide we should *talk* to them, Jess?
JESSE: I dunno.
TRENT: And who's going to do the talking?
(He and Max look at Jesse, then at each other and shake their heads.)
MAX: I think you should, since you're the lead and all.
TRENT: But... (fiercely) If I have to talk to them, I'll probably end up hitting one of 'em.
MAX: I'll talk then. (He laughs a little forcedly.) If I can keep you and Nick from going at it, I can deal with another band.
(Trent slows as he enters a residential neighborhood. Finding the right street, he drives slowly, looking for the house number.)
TRENT: 311. There it is.
(The house is small and a little run-down, with a lawn that hasn't seen a mower in quite some time. Trent turns into the little driveway and stops the car.)
MAX: Ready?
TRENT: No.
(Jesse gets out of the car and starts walking towards the front door. Max and Trent look at each other, shrug, and follow.)
(Cut to Jane and Daria in Daria's room, sitting on the bed. Jane is explaining the situation to Daria.)
JANE: ...so they decided to go talk to the other band.
DARIA: *That* should be interesting. (She sighs.)
JANE: (hesitantly) Daria, Trent didn't mean to yell at you. He was just upset, and--
DARIA: I know. I guess.
JANE: I think this is just really hard on him. The band means more to him than anything else, and now someone's threatening it. (She shrugs.) So he's jumping on everybody.
DARIA: Oh.
(Jane stands up.)
JANE: Come on, let's go to my house so we'll be there when they get back.
(Daria stands up.)
DARIA: Okay. Let's go.
(Cut back to the three boys as they reach the door.)
MAX: Trent, you knock.
TRENT: No man, you knock.
MAX: I don't want to knock! You knock.
TRENT: I don't want to either!
JESSE: *I'll* do it.
(He knocks on the door. Trent and Max glance at each other, surprised. After a moment, the door opens, and Wes glares out at the three rival musicians.)
WES: What do *you* want?
MAX: (takes a deep breath) To talk.
WES: About?
TRENT: (pointedly) Can we come in?
(Wes shrugs and moves away from the door. The MSers go inside and find themselves in a dimly lit, very messy and ill-kept room.)
WES: (sullenly) We were practicing. Come on back.
(They follow him into an unfurnished back room, where the rest of Conformity are with their instruments.)
WES: (to his band) These guys showed up and said they want to... talk. (He turns to face the other three.) Well?
(Trent and Jesse look expectedly at Max, who swallows hard.)
MAX: We, uh, heard you got a gig tonight at McGrundy's in Lawndale.
WES: Yeah. So?
MAX: (a little more self-assured) That was our normal spot. We've played there every Sunday night for months.
(Wes smirks, just a little.)
WES: So?
TRENT: (taking over) So we were thinking that it's not too nice to take another band's regular gig.
(Wes takes a step forward, just a little threateningly.)
WES: Who said we were nice?
(Trent notices that the rest of Conformity is hanging back and not participating at all. He speaks to them.)
TRENT: What about you guys? You're willing to take another band's gig in their own town?
JON: (shrugs) Hey man, a gig's a gig. We gotta eat too.
PETER: Yeah, like, you know.
(Trent looks at Erik with slightly narrowed eyes.)
TRENT: What about you?
(Wes turns and gives Erik a warning look. Erik looks down nervously.)
ERIK: Um, well... I... (He trails off.)
(Trent gives up on him, disgusted.)
WES: What about your boy there? (He motions at Jesse.) Can he talk or what?
JESSE: Yeah.
WES: And?
JESSE: You shouldn't take our gig.
WES: (shrugs) Hey man, what can I say? Just 'cos we're the better band, we shouldn't have to sacrifice for *you* guys. Right?
JON & PETER: (simultaneously) Right.
TRENT: (to Jesse and Max, glaring) I should have known they were too dumb to reason with.
WES: If you boys don't mind, could you leave now? (smirking) We have a gig to practice for.
(Trent glares and stalks out. The other two follow. Wes shakes his head, still smirking.)
(Cut to Trent's room after the boys have returned to Lawndale. Trent is sitting on his bed, looking devastated. Jane is standing nearby, and Daria is standing by the door, pointedly not looking at Trent.)
TRENT: They wouldn't listen at all. (He glares.) I should have known.
JANE: (awkwardly) I'm sorry, Trent. (She pauses.) So what are you going to do?
TRENT: We're all going tonight to see them. I *have* to know whether or not they're gonna get our gig for good. (He looks at Daria, speaking mainly to her.) Do you two want to come?
JANE: (quickly) Sure, we will. We'd better go, it's about time.
TRENT: (sighs) Okay.
(Trent stands as Jane leaves the room, and Daria starts to follow her.)
TRENT: Daria?
DARIA: (noncommittally) Yeah?
(Trent walks over to her.)
TRENT: Look, I'm sorry I yelled at you earlier. I shouldn't have, but I was so upset...
(Daria looks relieved, and she smiles at him a little.)
DARIA: It's okay, I understand. And, uh, I didn't mean what I said about you guys not playing real music. (thought VO) Not that it *is* real music.
(Trent grins.)
TRENT: Good, you had me worried. (He puts his arm around her shoulders, and she looks surprised but pleased.) Come on, let's go.
(Cut to McGrundy's as Trent pulls up with Daria and Jane. They get out of the car and join the rest of Mystik Spiral, who are already gathered at the pub's entrance.)
MAX: (dejectedly) Hey, Trent. Did you tell the girls?
TRENT: Yeah.
(He starts to say something else, but stops as Conformity For Hire approaches the entrance. They walk past Mystik Spiral, ignoring them; Erik keeps his head down as he goes by. Nick scowls, but the rest of MS just look resigned.)
JANE: Come on, we might as well go in.
(The others follow her. Gregory is standing by the door, happily watching Conformity set up, but his smile fades as all four MSers glare at him as they go by.)
(On stage, Conformity finishes setting up; Jon and Peter go to their positions. Erik, near the front of the stage, pauses.)
WES: Get back there, man! We gotta get started.
(Erik still hesitates. He looks from Wes to Mystik Spiral and the girls watching the stage from the very back of the pub. Wes glares at him and reaches for the mic.)
WES: We're Conformity For Hire, and--
(From the audience, an angry girl steps forward; it is Veronica from Daria's science class.)
VERONICA: Hey, where's Mystik Spiral?
(Assorted other people speak up, asking for the band.)
WES: They're not here tonight, so--
(Erik suddenly snatches the microphone from Wes.)
ERIK: Yes they are!
(The audience makes surprised noises.)
ERIK: The manager asked *us* to take their gig spot. He wants to *replace* them.
VERONICA: No, dammit! We want Mystik Spiral!
(Chants of "We want the Spiral!" start up.)
ERIK: (just about yelling) You know what? You're right! We don't belong up here; *they* do! (He turns and glares at Wes.) And that's why I *quit*!
(He throws down the microphone and stalks off stage. The audience starts cheering and continues to chant for Mystik Spiral. Gregory hurries over to the mic to calm everyone down as the rest of Conformity slinks off the stage. Wes stalks over to Erik and pushes him against the wall.)
WES: You little bastard, if I *ever* see you again--
(Jon tugs at Wes's shoulder nervously.)
JON: Come on, man. People are watching us.
(Reluctantly, Wes lets Erik go and glares at him furiously before stalking out with the rest of the band. After a long time, Erik slips off outside.)
(Cut to Gregory meekly approaching the vindicated Mystik Spiral.)
GREGORY: Guys, I'm really, you know, sorry about this. No hard feelings?
(He smiles a little weakly.)
TRENT: (still slightly sullen) I guess you want us to come back next week?
GREGORY: Of *course*. And you'll be, you know, paid for tonight as if you played a gig, all right?
(Trent gets a sneaky look.)
TRENT: I think we *might* consider coming back under certain... conditions.
GREGORY: (nervously) Which are?
TRENT: Like, say... five dollars more apiece per gig? That sound all right to you guys?
NICK: (grins) I'd say so.
MAX: You bet.
JESSE: Cool.
(Gregory looks a little hesitant, but is desperate enough to try anything.)
GREGORY: Okay, it's a deal. See you boys next week.
(As he leaves, Jane looks at Trent and smirks.)
JANE: You boys drive a hard bargain.
DARIA: *I* would have held out for ten.
(Cut to Mystik Spiral and the girls leaving the pub later that night. They pass Erik, sitting on the curb outside. Trent, Nick, and Max don't notice him, but Daria and Jane smile at him. Jesse starts to go on past, then he hangs back.)
JESSE: Hey man, uh, thanks.
ERIK: (looks down) I didn't do anything.
JESSE: Yeah, you did. You stood up to your band 'cos they were wrong. It was brave and stuff.
ERIK: (without conviction) I guess.
(Jesse sits down on the curb beside him. Erik looks up, a little more brightly.)
ERIK: At least you guys have your gig back.
JESSE: Yeah.
ERIK: (bitterly) We shouldn't have taken it. I shouldn't have let them.
JESSE: C'mon, man, don't beat yourself up about it. You couldn't have stopped them.
ERIK: *That's* for sure.
JESSE: (sincerely) I'm sorry you quit the band over this.
ERIK: Yeah well. They never really liked me anyway, and... (He trails off. a little bitterly) Thanks for caring.
JESSE: (awkwardly) Look, if you want to play with us--
ERIK: (quickly) No, the other guys wouldn't want me.
JESSE: I could get 'em to let you in.
ERIK: Even if you did, they still wouldn't like it. Thanks though. (He smiles weakly.) I appreciate it.
JESSE: Yeah. (He thumps Erik on the shoulder and stands up.) Well, I'll see ya.
ERIK: (softly) Yeah. See ya.
(He watches Jesse walk off, then sighs.)
(Cut to the Lane basement a few days later. Trent and Jesse are finishing up a two-man practice; Daria and Jane are sitting on the steps watching. After a moment, the boys put down their guitars.)
TRENT: Good practice, man.
JESSE: Yeah.
JANE: Think you guys are ready for your big homecoming?
DARIA: Considering your loyal audience, I don't think it would take very much.
TRENT: (grins) Yeah, you're right. (His grin fades, and he shakes his head.) Those bastards, taking our gig. Every one of 'em should be--
JANE: (interrupting, soothingly) Trent, it's okay. I don't think they'll be playing in this town for a long time. (She stands up.) Daria, Jess, you two want to stay for dinner? I'll make some pancakes.
DARIA: (stands up) Okay.
JESSE: (unenthusiastically) Cool.
TRENT: (considerably cheerier) Pancakes?
JANE: (rolls her eyes at Daria) Yes, Trent, pancakes. C'mon.
(She goes up the stairs, followed by Trent. Daria starts to follow, then notices that Jesse looks depressed.)
DARIA: (hesitantly) Jesse? Are you okay?
JESSE: Yeah. Just...
DARIA: (prompting) Yeah?
JESSE: Trent was saying about how he hated everyone in Conformity, but... I just think that one guy, Erik, he's... different. I mean, he like *tried* to help, you know?
DARIA: (a little surprised at this long speech) Yeah, you're right. He was okay.
JESSE: (looks a little anguished, about as emotional as he ever gets) He's out of his band. He stood up to 'em, and he's out because of *us*.
DARIA: That's horrible, but... he'll be better off without them, if he's really different.
JESSE: (uncertain) Yeah. I guess.
DARIA: (surprised) You're really upset about this, aren't you?
JESSE: (uncomfortably) Yeah. I guess.
DARIA: (a little more gently) Maybe you should call him sometime. He seems like he could use a friend.
(Jesse concerns himself with his guitar.)
JESSE: (noncommitally) Yeah.
JANE: (offscreen VO, yelling) Are you two coming? The pancakes are almost ready!
DARIA: (yelling) Yeah, we're coming.
(She glances at Jesse again, then goes upstairs. He continues to fiddle with his guitar.)
(Cut to Daria as she sits down at the Lane kitchen table with Jane and Trent, who is happily drenching a huge stack of pancakes with syrup.)
JANE: Daria, bid farewell to Trent for at least twenty-four hours.
TRENT: (embarrassed) Janey!
JANE: Hey, Jess sure is taking a while. Is he all right?
DARIA: (pauses, then pours some syrup on her pancakes) Yeah. He's fine.
(End credits as "How Bizarre" by OMC plays:
"Ring master steps out and says, 'The elephants left town'
People jump and jive, but the clowns have stuck around
TV news and camera, there's choppers in the sky
Marines, police, reporters ask where, for, and why
Pele yells, "We're outta here," Zina says, "Right on"
We're making moves and starting grooves before they knew we were gone
Jumped into the Chevy and headed for big lights
Wanna know the rest? Hey, buy the rights!
How bizarre...")
THE END