If 'Daria' was written like '24'...

- Despite Kara Wild's best efforts, Quinn would suddenly be just as smart as Daria, even cuter than she is now, and would be repeatedly placed in peril from attacks by squirrels and Fluffy (Sandi's cat)!

- Michelle Landon would be an uber-bitch capable of scaring the Helen Morgendorffer of 'IAAR' – but it's cool, because she'd get killed before the end of the season, and possibly by Jodie, who'd probably kill herself right afterward! (Black women don't live long on '24'!)

- 'Daria' would look strangely like the fanfic 'It's All About Respect'.

- Tom Sloane would be revealed as the villain most fans see him as, anyway, but despite the horrid stuff he's done, he just keeps coming back and keeps getting off the hook 'Nina-style'...

- Four words: 'Ms. Li Runs Amok'.

- Roger E. Moore and Crusading Saint would have co-producer credits for the show, and live in Brentwood.

- We'd finally get to see 'the senior partners' at Helen's law firm, and find out the reason she hasn't made partner yet is because she has to 'prove herself' – and TODAY is the day she does!

- To throw a bigger wrench into Daria's day, Helen announces at breakfast that she and Jake are separating.

- Daria gets moments of sexual tension with Tom, Trent and Mack – but two of them won't make it through the day upright...

- This is the first day of her life that NO ONE makes a single comment about Daria's outfit.

- Revealed: The Secret of the Giant Strawberry!

- 'Melody Powers' would be a series of deep-memory engrams implanted by... someone... in order to turn Daria into a super-assassin – but the implants didn't take the way they were supposed to. (Thanks, Crusading Saint!)

- An all-out, in-your-face, shoot-until-the-gun-barrels-glow firefight between the Fashion Club and the bad guys after Cashman's gets trashed!

- The wheezing, pitiful cries and screams as O'Neill is tortured for information, and, oh – poor Stacy – this just won't be your day!

- The highlight of the February 'sweeps' episodes – the world finally finds out the true identity of RONIN!

- Guest appearances – Kara Wild, the Canadibrit and Martin J. Pollard as Erin Driscoll, Chloe and Edgar!

- A legitimate reason to have Brittany in that... revealing outfit... that we've always wanted to see her in! (Yeah... you know which one... you've got a bad, bad place in the back of your mind, too...)

- Dominic, Dr, Kyle Armalin, Thornton Sloane, William Appleton – now we can use all of those bad guys and not feel bad about it!

- Angelinhel. Ultra-advanced biotech weaponry. Silk scarves and four-inch heels. Lots of scheming. A bad girl with brains – and it's NOT Daria!

- The show would begin with Deref's family arriving in Los Angeles – and boy, are they in for it!

3 March 2005