"I had Quinn's phone number last summer" I know what you did last summer/Daria Scene 1. Lawndale Bay Announcer: Our new miss Lawndale...Jane Lane! Audience: (claps) (in the audience in the back, Daria, Trent and Jesse sit) Jesse: (clapping) Cool. Daria: Don't you think you should be cheering for her more? She is your girlfriend. Jesse: Whatever. Trent: Come on. Let's go outside and celebrate. Daria: Cool. (outside) Daria: Congradulations, Jane. Or should I say 'miss Lawndale'? Jane: Thanks. I'm not really excited, but what the hell? (Upchuck walks up to Daria) Upchuck: Growrrrr, Daria, you look especially sexy tonight. Daria: Shut up. This party is for Jane, not me. So stop drueling and go away. Upchuck: Alrgight, but I'll be back you saucy vixen! You can be sure of that. Trent: (to Daria) What a creep. Daria: Yeah. Jesse: Come on. We've got to load the van. Jane: The van? Jesse: Yeah, you know, 'the tank'. Trent: We can stop at the beach on the way home and tell storys. Daria: Why would we want to do that? Trent: Because Jess' has been drinking, and if we don't give him some time to cool down, we might hit somebody on the road and he might have a hook and come back to haunt us. But if we stay here he might drink more. Daria: Okay. Sure. Scene 2. Beach Trent: So to this day, he lives in Lawndale, waiting to kill whoever dumps him in the ocean. Jane: That was about the stupidest ghost story I've heard in two lifetimes. Trent: (to Daria) Come on, let's take a walk. Daria: (blushing) Okay. Jesse: We'll stay here. Jane: Jesse, you're drunk. Jesse: I'm not dr-(falls asleep) (on the other side of the beach) Trent: Hey Daria, did you ever feel like your life is too boring? Daria: Boring? Nah. I'm thinking along the lines that my life is too stupid. Trent: Hmmm. You may be right. (Pause) (They sit on the rocks, and Trent leans over to kiss Daria, and Daria accepts his lunge. They make out) Scene 3. In the van on the road (Jesse has opened the top up and is standing in it) Jesse: Woohoo, look at me. I'm on top of the world. Cowabunga. Daria: Come on Jesse, you're gonna get us hurt. Jesse: Lighten up Daria, I'm just havin' a little fun. Trent: She's right Jess', sit down. (suddenly, a figure jumps out of nowhere and Trent tries to skid away but it hits the person) Trent: Oh shit. (the four get out of the car) Trent: Everybody okay? (everyone nods their heads) Jane: Is he dead? Jesse: (examining the body) I think so. Jane: Damn it! Daria: Who was it? Jesse: I think it was... Daria: It's Kevin. Kevin Thompson. Jane: He used to go to our school. Trent: And now he's dead. Whoa. Jesse: Hey, I see a car coming up. (Upchuck's car comes up to the four others) Upchuck: Well well well, what have we here? Jane: Hello Upchuck. Upchuck: You ladys in need of a knight in shining armor? Daria: Can we just take the armor and ditch the night? Trent: We're fine, man. Now go away. Upchuck: Fine, but you'll be sorrrrrrrrrrry. (Upchuck drives off) Jesse: Okay, lets promise that we don't mention a word of this to anyone ever. Daria: Why don't we just call the cops? Jesse: And turn ourselves in? No way. Jane: Well then what do you plan to do with the body? Jesse: Hey, we're right next to the water. We can dump in there. Jane: What? No way. Jesse: You wanna go to jail, Jane? We're responsible for the death of this person. We call the cops and we're all goners. Daria: Are we sure about this? Trent? Trent: Sorry, but I think he's right. We gotta dump him. Jane: Alright, fine. Dump the bastard. (Trent and Jesse pick up the dead body of Kevin and throw him in the ocean) Jesse: Remember, not a word to anyone. Daria: Okay. Jane: Okay. Trent: Whatever. Scene 4. Daria's house, one year later Jake: So Daria, how ya' holdin' up kiddo? Daria: Don't ask. For god's sakes, don't ask. Jake: Um, okay. And how about you, Quinn? Quinn: I'm fine, except I'm in a real dilemma with the guys down at school. You see I'm supposed to be going steady with Todd but then Ralph came back into my life and so did Billy so I may dump Todd but then again I may dump all three of them. I just don't know! Daria: (saracastically) You'll solve it Quinn, don't worry. Getting out of problems just happens to be your specialty. Jake: It is? I mean, oh yeah, of course it is. Helen: (from the other room) Daria, you got a letter. Daria: Yeah right. (sighs) Probably just a stupid letter from Mr. O'Neill about how I should broaden my writing style and- (she looks at letter. It says 'i know what you did last summer.' Daria: What the.... Helen: Daria? Is something wrong? Daria: (folding letter up) Nothing. I gotta go. Quinn: Daria, are YOU going on a date? Daria: (sighs) Yes Quinn, I'm going on a date with a big hunky jock from the football team who let me wear his jacket. Quinn: Really? Daria: No. Scene 5. Jane's house. (at the door, Daria knocks and Trent answers) Trent: Hey Daria. Daria: Hey Trent. Is Jane around? Trent: Sure. (calling to the back) Hey Janie, Daria's here. (Jane comes down) Jane: What's up? Daria: We have to talk. Jane: Okay. Go away Trent. Daria: It's okay. He can stay. Maybe he should hear this too. (in Jane's room) Trent: I know what you did last summer? Whoa. Daria: Yeah, apparently some sick fuck sent us a letter. Jane: But who was there that night? We were so careful... Trent: I better call Jess'. (later) Jane: So can you think of anyone who was there, Jesse? Jesse: Upchuck. Jane: You think so? Jesse: Who else? He was there, man. Jane: Don't call me 'man'. Jesse: Sorry, man. And remember, he said that we'd be sorry on that night. Trent: Are you suggesting we go talk to him? Jesse: Uh huh. We have to. If we don't, we might be haunted forever...or something. Daria: But what if it wasn't Upchuck? Jesse: Then who else could it be? Kevin is dead, remember? Trent: Or so we think. Jesse: Don't get all weird on me, man. Scene 6. Upchuck's house Upchuck: (singing) My lady likes it hot, she likes it steamy hot, and I am burning up man oh man.... Jesse: (grabbing Upchuck by the shirt collar) Listen you freckled Upchucking son of a bitch! Upchuck: Well well well, Jesse Moreno. For what do I owe the pleasure? Jesse: Cut the crap. We got your stupid letter. Upchuck: Letter? Why I'm afraid I have no idea what you're talking about. Jesse: Don't fuck with me! (he throws Upchuck into an expensive vase) Upchuck: Mommy's going to be pissed. Jesse: We don't want anymore screwing around. (he leaves) (outside) Jane: So what happened? Jesse: Don't worry. He won't bother us anymore. Daria: What'd you do? Jesse: I scared him. Big time. Trent: Come on man, we gotta go rehearse. Jesse: Cool. Scene 7. Daria's house. (all is quiet. Helen is sitting at the table. She hears a noise outside) Helen: Jake? Honey is that you? (silence) Helen: Hmmm. (another noise is heard) Helen: Who is doing that? Quinn? Daria? (silence) Helen: Strange. (suddenly, a man with a black cloak on comes up behind Helen and stabs her in the neck with a hook) Helen: (gasps) Uck....uhhhhhh....oooooooooo.....ick...(she dies) (the hooked man hides behind the refrigerator as he hears footsteps) Jake: Helen? Honey I- (she sees her dead on the table) AAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!! HELEN! DARLING! I'm so sorry! (starts to cry) Oh I remember when my old dog died and- (he sees the figure behind the refrigerator) Hey hey my man, wassup? (calling into the kitchen) Quinn! Your date is here! And why does he have a hook? (the hooked man stabs him in the arm) Ow! Damnit! (the hooked man stabs him in the neck) ARGHGGHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! Owie (he dies). (The hooked man leaves and Quinn walks in) Quinn: (gasps) OH MY GOD! MOM! DAD! WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?! DARIAAAAAAAA, GET IN HERE! (Daria walks in) Daria: Oh boy (she notices Quinn crying). Hey, they're probably just joking. After all, haloween's coming in only.....six months. Quinn: Maybe you're right. Come on mom, dad, stop it. You can't fool us. Very clever with the fake blood and everything but it's not gonna work, alright? (silence) Quinn: Daria, they're not faking! (she cries and runs away) Daria: Alright, who the hell did this? Scene 8. Upchuck's house. Upchuck: (singing) What is it good for? Absolutely nothing. Hoo! Ha! What is it good for? Absolutely nothi-(he stubs his toe on the coffee table) Ow! Fuck! (the hooked man walks up the Upchuck) Upchuck: Oh boy. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!! (he is stabbed twice in the neck with the figure's hook) Upchuck: (as he is falling down) Growr. Feeeeeeeeeiiiiiiiiiisty. (he dies) Scene 9. Daria's house. Daria: Jane, check this out. Quinn and I found this in the kitchen. (Jane checks out Helen and Jake on the table dead) Jane: Wow. I didn't think Upchuck would go this far. Daria: Yeah. The police are on their way. Until then, let's just watch TV. Sick Sad World Reporter: Sealions killed by starfish under water, next on sick sad world! Jane: Under water? Change it. Too many bad memorys. (Daria flips channel) News caster: In other news today, Charles Ruttheimer was bruttally slashed in the neck today and died instantly. Police have studied that, judging by the slashes in the boy's neck, the killer must have been using a hook or another slanty sharp object. Jane: How about that? Upchuck is dead. Daria: You think it's related to my parents deaths? Jane: Beats the shit out of me. Quinn: (from the kitchen) There they are. My sister and I just found them like that. Police Cop: Hmmm, (studies Jake's neck) looks like his throat was slashed with a slanty object. Other police man: Same with the woman, chief. Quinn: Slanty object? Police Cop: Yeah, you know, like a...uh.... Daria: (coming in with Jane) Like a hook? Police Cop: Exactly. Jane: (to Daria) Well, I guess that answers our question. Quinn: I can't beleive this is happening! (cries) Police Cop: There there, it's alright. Let it out. It's okay to cry. Daria: Say, were you ever an english teacher at Lawndale High? Police Cop: No. Why? Daria: Never mind. Police Cop: Anyway, sweetie, I'll take you back to the station. It'll be alright. We'll find this fucker. Your sister can come too if she wants. Daria: No thanks. I don't want any donuts or anything. Scene 10. Trent's van. Trent: Where are we going again, Janie? Jane: Brittany Taylor's house. She was Kevin's girlfriend. Trent: So? Jane: So we want to make sure Kevin didn't emerge from the ocean and kill Upchuck and Daria's parents. Daria: Yeah, and if Kevin would go aywhere, it would be Brittany's. Trent: Cool. Sorry about your parents, Daria. Daria: I'm pretty upset, but you should see Quinn. That police guy gave her a ride to the police station. She's in tears. Jane: At least until she hits on the cop. Daria: So Trent, where's Jesse? Trent: Don't know. All I know is he blew off rehearsal. Scene 11. Brittany's house. (outside, Trent knocks on the door. Brittany's step mother, Ashley Amber, opens the door) Ashley Amber: Can I help you? Trent: Uh, yes. Hello ma'am. We wish to speak with Brittany. Ashley Amber: You can try. Ever since her boyfriend Kevin died mysteriously, she's been up in her room crying. Boy what I would do if I saw the people who killed that boy. I'd be doing the killing. Trent: Uh...(laughs nervously)...Yeah. (in Brittany's room) (Brittany is sitting on her bed looking straight into the distance) Daria: Uh.....Brittany? Brittany: Daria? Jane? Is that you? Daria: Yeah. Brittany: (points to Trent) Who's he? Jane: This is my brother, Trent. Trent: We've come to talk to you about your old boyfriend, Kevin. Brittany: Kevvy? (cries) Daria: Uh...yeah. When did you first notice he was missing? Brittany: A year ago. He went to see the 'miss Lawndale' pageant. Didn't you win that, Jane? Jane: Yeah, but who cares? Brittany: I never saw him again after that. Trent: Why didn't you go with him to the pageant? Brittany: Later cheerleading practice. (cries really hard) Oh I wish I had gone to that thing! Maybe then he wouldn't have gotten killed! (Cries) Daria: So...you haven't seen him? Brittany: (in tears) Of course I haven't seen him! He's dead and he's never coming back! (falls over crying her hardest) Jane: Thanks for your help, Brittany. Sorry about all this. We gotta go. Brittany: (to herself) Kevvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvy. (outside the house) Jane: Well how about that? We destroyed one girl's life. Daria: I guess Kevin couldn't have been the guy who sent the letter. Jane: In other words he's not a zombie. Trent: Hey Daria, did you ever think it might have been one or both of his parents? Daria: I thought of that, except then I found his parents are dead. Jane: How'd you find that out? Daria: I saw it in the newspaper. But they both had heart attacks, they didn't get stabbed. Trent: Do they know who did it? Daria: No, another mystery. Jane: Then who could be doing all this? (they start to walk away when suddenly they bump into Jesse) Trent: Jess'? What the hell are you doing here? Jesse: I was looking for Upchuck. Daria: Don't bother. He's dead. Jesse: He is? Whoa. Daria: So are my parents. And Kevin's. Jesse: Did you guys kill them? Trent: Of course not. So anyway, we figured if Upchuck didn't send the letter, and neither did Kevin's parents....then who did? Jesse: Did you ever think that Upchuck was killed after he sent the letter? Daria: No way. Whoever sent that letter was the one who killed Upchuck. Somehow I don't picture him killing himself. Jesse: Man, I hope Kevin didn't come back from the dead or something. Trent: We went to talk to Kevin's old girlfriend, Brittany. If Kevin came back from the dead, he would probably go to Brittany's. Brittany said that Kevin never came to her house, so he's probably still in the ocean, dead. Jane: You know, maybe Brittany did it. Maybe she sent the letter and killed those people. Daria: Nah. The letter I got looked MUCH better than Brittany's handwriting. Trent: Then who could it be? Daria: I don't know, but I'm sure he's waiting to kill us. (to the sky) What are you waiting for, huh? Come on! Trent: Daria, you're, uh, talking to the sky. Daria: You're right. Sorry. (a ruffle is heard in the bushes) Trent: Hey, what's that? (a figure with a black cloak on emerges from the bushes and runs away) Jesse: Hey! Stay there! (The four run after the figure. They run into an alley, where the person is nowhere to be seen) Daria: Let's split up so we can- (she notices Jesse and Jane are gone) Daria: (sighs) Trent: Where'd they go? Daria: I don't know. I guess it's just you and me Tre- (she turns around and notices Trent is gone) Daria: Trent? Trent? Where are you? Ah damnit. Scene 12. The cop car. (the cop is driving the car with Quinn in the backseat) Quinn: Why is this taking so long? I don't remember the police station being this far away! Police Cop: Sorry. I guess I'm being extra careful, what with the murders and all. Scary, huh? Quinn: Shut up! (the police cop notices a figure in a black cloak standing still next to a dumpster) Police Cop: Okay, I guess I better go help this person. Stay right here. (he gets out of the car) Quinn: Sir! Sir, no! (the man in black stabs the cop once in the neck with his hook) Quinn: AIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! (the cop dies, and the killer examines the body. Quinn takes this oppurtunity to get away, and she very slowly gets out of the car and tiptoes away) Scene 13. Pageant building. (Jane and Jesse enter the building where Jane was crowned 'miss Lawndale', looking for the killer) Jesse: I'll check out the balconys. You check the stage. Jane: No problem. (she runs on to the stage. Nothing) Jane: I got nothing here. Jesse: (up on the balcony) Nothin' up her either. (the killer suddenly jumps out and hooks Jesse in the neck) Jane: Jesse! Jesse: Oooooo,ukkkkkkkkk....(he dies) Jane: EEK! (the killer looks at Jane from up on the balcony. Jane runs out of the building through a door on the stage) Jane: Oh god. (She starts to run home) Scene 14. Jane's house. (Quinn runs in) Quinn: Hel-lo! Is anybody home? Can anybody give a ride home? (sassy) My cop car broke down and the cop died. (silence) Quinn: Where the hell is everybody? (she is suddenly grabbed by the killer and his hand goes over Quinn's mouth. He drags her into the bathroom) (Jane runs in the house) Jane: Is anybody here? Hello? (she creeps into the bathroom. She finds Quinn on the floor all bloody and dead) Jane: (gasp) (the man with the hook comes out of nowhere and runs at Jane. Jane runs out of the house and closes the door. She then runs into the street) Jane: Man, this totally sucks shit. (she runs into an alley. Outside the alley there's a big parade going on) Jane: Hmmm, catchy tune there. (the killer jumps in front of Jane) Jane: AAAAGH!!! SOMEBODY HELP ME!!! (no one hears Jane's cries over the parade. She whips out her trusty glue gun and fires it. No luck. The killer stabs his victim eight times and blood gushes on to the street. The killer leaves Jane's dead body on the ground) Scene 15. Lawndale Shipyard. (Daria runs around the yard looking for help. She stumbles in to a room in the ship. She is shocked to find Mr. DeMartino in there) Mr. DeMartino: Well well, Daria Morgendorffer. To WHAT do I owe the PLEASURE? Daria: What are you doing here? Mr. DeMartino: Can't a guy do a little FISHING? I'm surprised to find you here on a saturday night. You and your friends should be having fun. Going to PARTYS, kissing under the moonlight, getting away with MURDER! Daria: (gasp) It's you. You're the killer with the hook. Mr. DeMartino: Oooh, you're sharp Daria. Daria: But why? Why did you avenge Kevin's death? You hate Kevin. Mr. DeMartino: I didn't AVENGE Kevin's death, Daria. You see, I was out FISHING on a dirt road one time, when I saw the dead body. It made me think about my own DEATH and how soon it could be with my HEART condition and all, so I decided to do the thing I always wanted to do: KILL ALL THE STUDENTS IN MY CLASS! And I decided to start with the PEOPLE who killed the KID I most wanted to kill! Do you know how good I would feel if I had the chance to slice Kevin's head off with my HOOK?! But that can never HAPPEN because SOMEBODY beat me to the punch. Daria: How'd you know it was us four? Mr. DeMartino: Charles Ruttheimer told me if I could get him some more "Eyefull" magazines. Too bad I had to kill the little snot in the end. Daria: Wait, if you were just planning to kill your students, why did you kill my mom and dad? Mr. DeMartino: I figured I'd like your PARENTS to die as well. I killed your sister too, you know. And after Kevin died, I took matter into my own hands and gave his parents heart attacks! Daria: You're insane, you know. That eye of yours says it all. Mr. DeMartino: You amuse me, Daria. Maybe you'll be a STAND UP COMEDIAN in the afterlife! (he lunges at Daria with his hook) Daria: Aaa! (she runs out of the room and bumps into Trent) Trent: Hey Daria, what's going on? I found Jesse dead on a balcony. Daria: My history teacher, Mr. DeMartino, is the killer. Trent: Why? Daria: I'll explain later. Right now he's coming at me with a hook. Trent: Oh. Bummer. (suddenly the boat starts to move into the ocean) Daria: Damnit, what's happening now? (Mr. DeMartino jumps out in front of Daria and Trent and swings at Daria with his hook) Daria: Ah! (Trent grabs Mr. DeMartino's hand and trys to keep it from going down on to Daria's back) Mr. DeMartino: I don't know who the hell you are, but I'll sure enjoy gutting you like a fish! Trent: Whoa. That is not cool. (Trent punches Mr. De in the face and runs the lower part of the ship. Mr. De looks for Daria but she has dissapeared) Mr. DeMartino: Oh Daaaaaaaaaria, where are you, you little bitch? Daria: (from behind) Right here you big bastard. (she kicks Mr. DeMartino in the face) Mr. DeMartino: OHHHHHHH!!! MY FACE!!! AHHHHHHHH!!! (he suddenly clutches his heart, gasps for air and falls off the boat into the ocean) Daria: Wow. That was a lot easier than I thought. Scene 16. Back at the shipyard. (cops are sorrounding the area) Police Man: Don't worry kids, the body's nowhere around here. He's dead. Trent: Cool. Thanks, man. Daria: I wonder how Jane is doing. Trent: I hope she isn't dead. Daria: Yeah, me neither. (pause) I could use a soda. Trent: Me too. Cool. Scene 17. One year later at the girl's locker room at Lawndale High Daria: (on the phone) So anyway, Jodie, I'm living with my parent's old friends, Willow and Cyote, until I can get my act together. I'm sort of glad Quinn isn't there, because I can hit on their son, Ethan. I gotta go. Seeya (she hangs up and goes into the shower room. She sees in blood red letters on the wall "I still know what you did last summer") Daria: (sarcastically) Oh no, not this again. (Mr. DeMartino jumps through the glass wall) Mr. DeMartino: Your sarcasm amuses me, Daria! THE END!