The Piratical Adventures of Daria Morgendorffer, Pirate.
Episode #204: I Don't (Like Landlubbers)
(opening theme song, with more of a nautical air.)
(On the Morgendorffer galleon)
(Daria and Jane are walking on the deck.)
Daria - I don't think you've considered this properly! What do you do with the guards once you've plundered the entire Treasury?
Jane - They're comin' with me. We'll take a rowdy sojourn all the way to the Horn!
(Daria opens the door and hears Helen opening an envelope and reading the message aloud for our convenience.)
Helen (VO) - Rita, that's so wonderful. I'm so happy for you! You and Erin both.
Daria - Ah, you'd better take a voyage.
Jane - Why?
Daria - My mom just got a seagull from my Aunt Rita. This shan't be pretty.
Jane - Aye. Later, huh? (leaves)
Daria – If I survive me next expedition! (enters the chamber)
(Daria walks into the kitchen and sees Jake sitting at the table, faded newspaper in hand, and Helen pondering the information she's just read.)
Helen - I can't believe the proof before me eyes! Little Erin married at this tender age... without even going to pirate law school! She's not rushing into this, I hope.
Jake - (to Daria) Your cousin Erin is getting married.
Daria - So I gathered.
Jake - I have bad tidings of the whole affair! There's an ill wind on the horizon and--
Helen – (turns to her family) Little Erin is getting married. (low voice) At the Windsor Hills Isle on Leeville Island.
Jake – Whoa-ho-ho! That'll set Rita back at least a dozen dubloons!
Helen - Not Rita. Mother. Nothing but the best for her favorite pirate granddaughter.
Jake - Windsor Isle. They've got that legendary buried treasure!
Helen - Forget it, Jake. No treasure. Wedding.
Jake – But ohhhh--seekin' treasure is what I do best!
(Quinn walks into the kitchen)
Daria - I'm almost sorry I'm going to miss this.
Helen – Nary be, sweetie: you and Quinn are going to be bridesmaids. The note insisted upon it.
Daria - (eyes wide with shock) Bridesmaids?
Quinn - (eyes wide with excitement) Can I dye my hair if the parrot doesn't match?
(Daria and Jane are sailing down the coast, headed for the pier and its bridal shoppe)
Daria – Fate has truly cast me aside. Me, a bridesmaid. (pause) A pirate bridesmaid.
Jane - Aw, it won't be that bad, I mean, sure, you'll have to wear some frilly peach-color trim that'll make ye resemble a reject from the Royal Navy, and you'll be pinched on the cheeks by old uncles who think you're out to loot their gold, and...
Daria - Here we be!
(inside the bridal shop)
(they approach an elderly saleslady with a grizzled parrot on her shoulder)
Saleslady – Are you daft? This be no place for funeral attire!
Daria - Believe me, It ain't my choice I'd be out there sinking ships if it wasn't for this blasted wedding.
Saleslady – You don't have to sail into matrimony if you don't want to--
Daria - I'm a pirate bridesmaid in the Chambers-Danielson wedding.
Saleslady - Yar. (looks up info in parchment) Here it is. Pity. They're such lovely outfits—worthy of Blackbeard himself!
(in the fitting room)
Saleslady - Nature didn't see fit to give ye much in the way of hips, did she?
Daria - I feel as if I've drunk too much rum. Be that a problem for ye?
Saleslady - Turn around!
Jane – (smiling) You be looking quite darlin' there Daria! (bats eyelashes)
Daria - I will kill you, and fling your lifeless corpse into the bottomless depths.
(saleslady accidentally sticks Daria with a pin)
Daria - Ouch!
Saleslady - Hold still. Your trembling body is causing me enough trouble as it is!
Daria - Well, I think my humiliation is complete now.
(Quinn walks in wearing a perfectly fitted dress with a perfectly fitted parrot)
Quinn - It does match my hair!
Daria - I spoke too soon.
Parrot – Squawk!
(on the open sea; it's the day of the wedding)
Jake - I don't know why you didn't let me bring my shovels and pick axes.
Helen - Jake, we're here to see my family, not to find treasure the likes of which ye have nary seen!
Jake - Who's escorting your sister to this, anyway?
Helen - Well, she dumped the pirate sculptor, the cannoning instructor was blown to kingdom come, and I believe that Bruno has been transported to the Australian wastes. So I don't know...
Jake - That Rita sure knows how to pick 'em.
Helen – (sardonic) Arr.
(Jake turns into the port for Windsor Hills; the venue looks just as high-class and expensive as you'd expect)
Quinn - Wow!
Daria - (crooks finger) Redrum! Redrum! I could really do with some red rum!
Jake - This will cost your mother a chest!
Helen - Well, what else should she spend her money on? Something boring, like extra cannonballs and masts for her other granddaughters?
Jake - (chuckles, then sobers) Hey...
Helen - I just keep telling myself that Erin hasn't had the advantages our seafarin' girls have had.
Quinn (to Daria) - Advantages?
Daria – I have not the faintest.
(at the pirate expo)
(Mack and Kevin walk among the stalls within the assembly hall.)
Mack - You know, if the girls see us, we're going to die. They'll think we be needing extra assistance!
Kevin - Are you kidding? They want us to come, bro.
Mack – What the hell do you mean?
Kevin - They knew that if they invited us to a pirate expo, there's no way we'd go near the place.
Mack - Then why are we here?
Kevin - Debauchery. Debauchery, me hearty.
Mack – I told you not to call me that!
(they pass in front of a (looted) jewellery stand)
(at Windsor Isle)
(Jake is handing his vessel over to the valet attendant)
Jake - This is an expensive vessel. Don't let any scurvy-ridden dogs sink it on me!
Attendant - Yeah, right. (walks be)
(Rita walks outside with her current boyfriend, who wears a solid-gold eyepatch)
Rita - Helen!
Helen - Rita! (hugs Rita)
Rita – Jake, how are ye?
Jake – Aye, not too--.
Rita - Oh, the girls look fearsome, just the way you want them. But Daria, why didn't you get the same outfit as the other pirate bridesmaids?
Daria - I did.
Helen - I'm sorry about the rehearsal dinner, Rita. I was busy yesterday arguing why we weren't near the SS Target when it was mysteriously sunk by cannon fire, and by the time we were ready to set sail...
Rita - Everyone, this is Paul, my buccaneer beau.
Paul – Ahoy there me matey!
Jake - Paul Meyerson?
Paul - Jake? Jake and I were in the Junior Treasure Seeker Society together. You bring your sextant?
(Jake grumbles)
Daria - Dad, what was that you said about knowing how to pick the nugget of gold?
Jake - Oh, Daria... (insincere) How you amuse us!
(a speed boat comes flying up the dock)
Quinn - Wow, who's that?
Daria - Aunt Amy?
(Amy gets out of boat and hands a map to her valet attendant)
Amy – A few dents are to only be expected, but lose the maps and you're to be left for the sharks.
Rita - Amy, how delightful.
Helen – Arr!
Rita -- I thought you weren't coming.
Amy - I wasn't, but I thought if you two could put aside the memory of the Barksdale War of '87 and its bitter fighting, then so can I... for a day.
Helen - Oh, Amy, why do you say such utterly absurd things?
Amy – So the seagulls can hear 'em! (passes between Helen and Rita) So, Jake. You're still with Helen, huh? Shows the fortitude I expect in my crew. I'd ask ye to join, but you know, the war... And finally, Roger. How's your beloved cannon firing?
Helen - Amy, Roger died when his cannon was blown back onto him. This is Paul.
Amy - Oh, sorry. Paul, how fare ye?
Paul – Poor Roger.
Daria - And he be luckier than I. (grumbles)
Helen - Girls. How many times do I have to tell ye both that pirates aren't envious?
Amy - Hey, what's the point of death at sea if you can't find a little humor in it? Dar, I like your way of thinkin'!
Rita - Now, Amy, I don't know where we're going to seat you... (leads Amy into building)
Helen - I need some rum!
Daria – I asked first you know.
(Jake laughs)
Helen – How dare thee laugh on this cruel morn?
(his laughter dies as he follows Helen inside)
Quinn - Wow, Officer Amy's really weird.
Daria – Yarr.
(dark clouds roll in, thunder rumbles, waves crash against the shore)
(at the wedding)
(the wedding party is gathered under a tent outside; the skies are still threatening rain)
(three of the bridesmaids are huddled together and talking, while a young man with a very bored expression is leaning on one of the tent poles)
Bridesmaid #1 - Oh, it can't rain on Brian and Erin's wedding. It just can't!
Bridesmaid #2 - That would be so awful. I'd rather be taken prisoner by a rival crew!
Luhrman - On the contrary. Rain is the ancient way of the sea. Every couple should be so lucky.
(Daria and Quinn approach the gathered pirate bridesmaids)
Bridesmaid #3 - Oh, don't you see? A little rain won't spoil the happiest day of Brian and Erin's life.
Bridesmaid #2 – Until they discover a really big treasure hoard.
(they notice Quinn and Daria)
Bridesmaid #3 - You must be Erin's cousin.
Quinn - I am. But Daria's, um, her navigator third removed...
Bridesmaid #3 - What?
Daria - Actually, I'm a drifting pirate. The Morgendorffers were kind enough to take me in after my real family was made to walk the plank.
Bridesmaid #3 - Oh. Well, how come you didn't get the same outfit as the rest of us?
Daria - I did.
(Mack and Kevin are in the stands; Kevin, holding a goblet, is fast asleep)
Mack - Wake up! If you were at sea, you've have surely been boarded by now!
Kevin - What? Huh? (spills soda on his pants) Arrr! (stands up)
Mack - I think you're blowing our cover.
Brittany - Kevin, what are you doing here?
Kevin - Surprise!
Brittany - Ooooh! (walks away)
(at the wedding)
(Erin and Brian are taking their vows in front of the pirate minister, flanked by the bridesmaids and groomsmen; Daria, bored to tears, is reduced to looking back at the crowd)
Minister - And as we share the pleasure of this lovely young couple, Brian and Erin, we are compelled to ask, what is love? Yes, love, like a tiny diamond ring; which was discovered in the mines of the Congo, and only after twisting and turning and being buried thousand of miles away, is found and creates that great wealth of love which is its destiny. (Amy sticks out her tongue, causing Daria to chuckle, which causes all of the bridesmaids -- except Quinn, who's spacing out with joy over the whole ceremony -- to glare at her)
Daria - (points to Quinn) It was her. Make her walk the plank!
(cut)
(the reception is in full swing; Jake and Paul have cozied up to the bar)
Paul - So the Captain said to me, "Why don't you just replace and run the entire ship?" And here I was, 29 years old.
Jake – Yarr! So, how'd you meet Rita?
Paul - Well, you know, we both love the sea. We are pirates you know!
Jake - And she's a little dinghy! I'm kidding, of course.
Paul - Well, let's face it. Rita's a uneven keel, of course, but she's a tiger in the bedroom.
(Jake looks over at Helen, who's imploring the waiter to pour more grog into her glass)
Jake - Yeah, well, I guess it run through her family line!
(at the head table, Daria and Luhrman are sitting with the bridesmaids)
(Luhrman mumbles something)
Daria - Mmm-hmm. What did you say?
Luhrman – Nothing that would help you find riches. Forget it. Would you like another diet rum?
Daria – Nah....
Luhrman - Or shall we just split a barrel of rotgut? (Daria stares at him) Be assured that I don't intend any kind of injurious behavior!
Daria - You're from a far-off isle, are you?
Luhrman – Aye.
(Erin and Brian approach the table)
Erin - Daria, thar you be! I can't believe I didn't get to see you before the wedding!
Daria - (flatly) It was a lovely ceremony.
Erin - Oh, but you haven't met Brian. Isn't he marvelous? He works for Long John Silver. (whispers) Plunderin'!
Brian - Erin!
Erin - I know, I know, I'm not supposed to say anything, but isn't it exciting?
Brian - If our treasure hoard is discovered by another crew, you can bet there's a woman at the bottom of it.
Erin - Oh, you.
Daria - (rolls eyes) Oh no!
Brian - Hey, Daria, how come you're not wearing the same dress as everybody else?
Daria - I am. I think I'll go to the...
Brian - The little girl's room?
Daria - Yeah, the little girl's room. I'm going to powder my parrot and check the seams on my trim. (leaves)
(near the restrooms, the minister is hitting on Quinn)
Minister - A wild, rolling, surging ocean of love, on which we, as mere individuals, have no control...unless we find it. Do you see what I say?
Daria - Ahoy, Quinn. Ahoy hoy, Farrrr-ther.
Minister - I'm a minister, not a pirate priest!
Daria - The important thing is, you know your morals.
(in the bathroom)
(Daria walks in and finds Amy already at the mirror)
Amy - I hate myself in a formal outfit, and everyone else, too. Can't even fit my scabbard! You don't look too thrilled about things, either.
Daria - Oh, no. I'm overjoyed to be at this big family event. Day to day life on the sea isn't humiliating enough.
Amy - Let's see, you be in seafarin' college now?
Daria - Still pirate school, alas.
Amy - I have some vague recollections of pirate school, but these days, you all signed a peace treaty right?
Daria – Yeah, and they won't let me carry my sword.
Amy - That's only because those stinking landlubbers force us!
Daria/Amy – Arr!
(at the pirate wedding reception)
(the creepy pirate minister is still hitting on Quinn)
Minister - Love thy neighbors, love thy brother, love thy captain. Every time you read a new isle, love, love, love. It's all ye need!
Quinn – Arr?
(in the bathroom)
Amy - Hmm. I thought when I hit thirty I would stop feeling out of place at these things.
Daria - You feel out of place?
Amy - You didn't notice my sisters are so busy competing with each other that I don't even register on their port or starboard?
Daria - Yeah, but I thought ye were above that! I mean, you're kind of...
Amy - Cool?
Daria - Um...
Amy - I know, you can't say that to me. Law of the junior pirates.
Daria – Glad ye respect it! .
Amy - When I was young, with Helen and Rita warring all the time, all they left for me to do was to supply the cannonballs. Then, one day, I found myself running my own ship with my own point of view, and feeling no particular obligation to listen to anyone else's B.S without getting the urge to plunder them!
Daria - So it actually worked out for thee.
Amy – Arrr! Unless I have to see my fleabitten sisters at a wedding, yeah. Sailing the seven seas. It's a great way to deal. (puts on eyeglass like Daria's) But, you wouldn't know that, would you?
Daria - (smirks) Nar!
(at the wedding reception)
(Daria is back at the head table, only now she's feeding the gullible bridesmaids a lot of tall tales about her life)
Bridesmaid #3 - Not even the pirate pep squad?
Daria - Not even they. I'll be honest with ye, Daphne: I just can't find the time.
Bridesmaid #1 - How come?
Daria - Well, first of all, there's my work.
Bridesmaid #2 - What do you do?
Daria – Being a pirate! What do you take me for---a scholar? I oughta tie you to the mast of my ship!
Bridesmaid #3 - Really? Wow.
Daria – (loud) Yar. (quiet) Credulous fools all!
(at another table)
Rita - Oh, it was a lovely ceremony, yar?
Jake – Yar.
Rita - I'm just so sorry Mom couldn't be here.
Helen - Don't worry, she'll get to live it all when she has to sell half her hard-earned hoard when the bill arrives. Jake, how about getting me another glass of grog?
Jake - Gee honey, maybe you shouldn't...
Helen - Jake, no one tells the first female pirate lawyer when she can have a bleedin' drink! I'd really like some more grog!
Jake - Right. (leaves)
Helen – Thank ye!
Rita - Helen, you're not bitter?.
Helen – Narr! Why would I, Helen, be bitter? Your perfidious relatives deserve the best. You always have.
Rita - Oh, so I should be have to drift from wedding to wedding forever because I made a few bad decisions?
Amy – Siblings ahoy! What are you two arguin' about now?
Helen - Arguing? We're not doin' any arguing!
Amy - Still mad because the Captain gave Rita a galleon and all he got ye was a rotting rowboat? Lead to war, as I recall---
Rita - Amy, the things you remember.
Helen - It was a compact ship.
(at the head table)
Daria - So, it turns out that you could go through training and you could be up there working near Treasure Island in under three months. Now I'm just waiting for my brew.
Bridesmaid #1 - Wow. Is that true?
Daria - (sighs) No, it be untrue. I just made it up as my way of debauchin' ya! Also, I'm not an exotic dancer, I don't eat seals, and I wasn't abducted by the undersea fish people, contemptible though they be!
Bridesmaid #1 – Eep!.
(bridesmaids whisper to each other)
Bridesmaid #2 - We decided we'd best not talk to the likes of you anymore.
Daria - What?
Bridesmaid #1 - You have pirate problems. (leaves with other bridesmaids)
(at Helen and Jake's table; Helen is now quite drunk)
Jake - Honey, maybe we ought to think about setting sail.
Helen - No, my little party's just beginning. Waiter!
Jake - Here, I'll get you some coffee and wedding cake.
Helen - Oh, Rita would love that, seeing me balloon up right in front of her. She'd use it as an opportunity to launch a new armada!
Jake - Helen, ar, your loud voice echoes through the hall--.
Helen - Oh, no! We don't want a scene, do we? We don't want to spoil the lovely pirate wedding that lovely Mother spent so much lovely loot on.
(Paul arrives at the table)
Paul - Is all well at this abode?
Helen - Well, you were right about one thing: she sure knows how to pick 'em!
Jake – Arrr!
Paul - Hey!
Jake – Pipe down sailor!
Paul – Dare to make me?
(Rita and Erin arrive at the table)
Rita - What's going on? Helen?
Erin - Oh, you know perfectly well what's going on, Mother. Your rusty sailor friend is making a scene!
Paul - What do you mean pathetic?
Jake - Look in the clear blue coastal water!
Helen - (stands, swaying) I just want to say my piece, Rita. You may be the pretty one, you may be the one Captain Mother loves, but I worked my damn butt off through pirate law school while you were living it up in the Caribbean!
Erin - Aunt Helen! Please!
(Brian arrives at the table)
Brian - What's going on? No pirate fights, ladies!
Rita - Shut your porthole, you prehistoric imbecile!
(at the head table, Daria and Amy see the fight shift into full gear)
Amy - Things are getting ugly, really ugly. I suggest we flee while the chance still awaits us!
Daria - Really?
Amy - Let's go find a port that serves cheese fries. You eat, I'll watch.
Daria (to Luhrman) - I'm, uh, taking off.
Luhrman - Oh, sure, leave me to the contemptible dogs.
Daria - You can come if you want.
Luhrman - No, I'd rather sit and see the carnage unfold.
Amy – Watch for cannon balls.
Luhrman -- It's been fun, though. (offers his hand)
Daria - (shakes his hand) Yarr!
Luhrman/Daria/Amy: Arr! Arr! Arr!
(pause).
Amy - Oh, I'll eat, too.
(Daria gets up and they start walking)
Amy - Follow me. Don't look to port or starboard. These people are to be left as if they're enemies drifting upon the waters--
(Amy says this as she and Daria walk out, first passing the table where Helen and the others are exchanging heated words)
(outside the Leeville Island eatery)
(Amy halts her galleon and she and Daria exit so that they may enter the building)
Amy - This place shall do.
Daria - Captain Amy?
Amy - Just Amy.
Daria - Amy, is pirate life always tawdry, stupid, and humiliating, or is it just a phase?
Amy – Bloody too, if you're caught in any more Barksdale Wars that is. (looks inside) Coast is clear!
Brian - I'm not going back there. I don't care who sent you.
Amy - Does he look familiar to you?
Daria - I think I saw him on a wanted poster somewhere.
Amy – Should we haul him in for the reward and treasure?
Daria – Nar.
Amy – Nar.
(Amy and Daria sit at a table)
Amy - I suppose you want to enquire as to how your pirate lawyer mother lived as a child.
Daria - Okay. What she be?
(Pause)
Daria – Back then.
Amy - A treacherous dog, topped in perfidy only by her lustful sister.
Daria - New topic?
Amy - Name it! Your company is more pleasurable than that some of my flea bitten crew.
Daria – Do you mean it?
Amy – Arr! Well, some of the more flea bitten ones. (pause) Why not join my crew? You get fresh air and less talk about the problems of being the first female pirate lawyer?
Daria – Yeah, but it might cause another war.
Amy – Aye. But at least keep your options open.
Daria – Arr.
(at the wedding reception)
.(Paul discusses the situation with a couple of naval officers)
Paul - Everything's under control here, officers. Why don't you two go have a sovereign on me. (hands cops money)
(the minister, looking rather beat-up himself, is hitting on another bridesmaid)
Minister - Don't worry, pain is no stranger! We met on the Bounty--
(Rita and Helen, both drunk and crying, are sitting on the steps in front of the stage)
Rita - I love thee, Helen!
Helen – You too, you too! (takes long drink from bottle)
(on another shore)
(Jake is reading a tattered map, while his caddy holds a shaking lantern)
Caddy - Sir, wouldn't this be more enjoyable in the daytime? Perhaps with some partners?
Jake – More partners means less treasure for me! Arrrrrr ha ha ha!
(closing credits to a fifteen-minute sea shanty. There are a lot of them you know.)