HIT ME WITH YOUR BEST SHOT
by Mitch
wells17@gte.net

(Daria and Jane in Lawndale High hallway)
DARIA: So, how are your sculptures of Milton's family coming
along?
JANE: Oh, I've done his 20 children but I need something really
unearthly to be a subject for his many wives.
(Just then, Sandi arrives and as mad as heck)
JANE: Ah, fortune smiles upon me again.
(Sandi walks furiously toward Daria)
SANDI: Alright Quinn's cousin!  You!  Me!  After school!
One-on-one!
DARIA: You're challenging me to a game of basketball?
SANDI: We will -dance-!
DARIA: Well, sorry if you wanted a slow dance.  Of course, I
don't do fast dances either.
SANDI: -grrr- Just.  Be.  There.
(Sandi marches off furiously)
JANE: Wow.
DARIA: Yeah.
JANE: She really wants to fight you.
DARIA: Yeah.
JANE: What did you do?
DARIA: I don't know.
JANE: C'mon!  You can tell me.
DARIA: Really.  I don't know.
JANE: Oh.  Well, are you going to fight her?
DARIA: Why?  I don't even know what we're fighting -about-.
JANE: Yeah, but I bet I could put it on Pay-Per-View.

(Daria had virtually forgets Sandi's challenge when she's in Mr.
O'Neill's class.  When the bell rings, O'Neill tells her to stay
for a minute)
MR. O'NEILL: Daria, I heard about your upcoming, um, scuffle, with
Sandi Griffin...
DARIA: I'm -not- going to fight.  I almost never -talk- to her.
MR. O'NEILL: Well, I'm glad to hear that, but I hope you can make
up to Sandi at some point...
DARIA: I don't know what she thinks I did.
MR. O'NEILL: Oh, well, whatever happens, I'm sure you'll do the
right thing.
DARIA: Whatever.  I just don't want anyone to make a big deal
about all this.

(Daria leaves and runs into Kevin and Brittany)
KEVIN: Hey, Daria.  I heard about the fight...!
DARIA: There's not going to be a fight.
KEVIN: Yeah, yeah, I try to keep mine private too...
DARIA: (thinking) Since when?
BRITTANY: Anyway, we wanted to wish you luck.
KEVIN: (trying to whisper to Brittany) But babe, I bet on
-Sandi-!
BRITTANY: You -what-?!  I thought we were both voting for the
same girl!
KEVIN: Well, uh, I thought we were both betting on Sandi.  I
mean, Daria doesn't stand a chance.
(Daria leaves, not wanting to get more involved)

(Daria and Jane are having lunch)
JANE: So, you've heard about the wagers?
DARIA: Unfortunately, yeah.  Why don't they just bet on the
football team when they play?
JANE: Who says they don't?
DARIA: Isn't gambling illegal in Lawndale?
JANE: I tried to ask my dad once, but he had to get to the race
track.
(Quinn walks up to them, smirking)
QUINN: Ha!  Wait 'till I tell Mom and Dad that you're getting
into a fight with one of my friends.
DARIA: Yes, said Daria, and they'll drive up to stop me and give
away to everyone that we're sisters.
QUINN: Eep.
DARIA: Try not to be so impulsive.

(Daria and Jane walk down hallway)
JANE: So, are you going to fight or not?
DARIA: -sigh-Looks like I'll have to put on some sort of show
just to keep the spectators happy.
JANE: Good idea.  I'll make you an 'American Gladiators' type
outfit.
DARIA: I said -one- show.  Anyway, it will end once I unleash my
secret weapon.
JANE: A secret weapon?  What is it?
DARIA: Can't tell you.  It'll give away the surprise.  Anyway, I
have to check on it.  You just find a place to see my intended
demise.

(After class, Daria goes outside to see everyone she knows
cheering her or Sandi on.  Sandi has her fists raised and is
wearing an evil smile, never mind that nearly -all- of her smiles
are evil.  Daria is a little worried.  She doesn't know how long
she can last until her secret weapon arrives.  Well, she is about
to give them a show)
SANDI: Hit me with your best shot!
DARIA: Fire away.
(Sandi charges at Daria with her fist...and Daria dodges, no more
or less.  Sandi falls into a convenient mudhole.  During this
brief pause, Daria turns to the public.  Some, like Jodie, Mack,
and Brittany, are cheering for her.  Others, like Kevin, Stacy,
and Tiffany, are cheering for Sandi.  Still others, like the
three Js, seem undecided.  Still, Daria is rather surprised about
how popular she seems.  Truthfully, she isn't that comfortable
with it)
QUINN: (shouting) Watch out!
(Daria turns around and sees Sandi charge at her, more furious,
and muddy, than ever.  Daria steps out of the way and Sandi hits
the ground with her body.  Daria realizes she will have to thank
Quinn later on.  Just then, her secret weapon arrives...in the
form of Linda Griffin's car.  Mrs. Griffin sticks her head out
the window)
LINDA: SANDI?!  What in the world?
(A bruised, scratched, muddy, and grass stained Sandi gets up with
eyes of fire)
SANDI:(pointing to Daria, shouting) She started it!
LINDA: I don't care -who- started it!  You are coming with me and
you are -grounded- young lady.
SANDI:(looking dejected) But, but, butbutbut...
DARIA: Nice motorboat impersonation.
(Linda takes her daughter and heads to the car when Daria stops
them)
DARIA: Wait, I just want to know one thing: what did I do?
SANDI: -grrr- I was at this Fashion Club meeting and I suggested
something, forgot what it was, and Quinn said 'My cousin has more
taste than that,' and -no one- thinks they have better taste than
-me-!
DARIA: (rolling her eyes and trying to figure out Sandi's logic)
I...see.

(Daria meets Quinn sometime after the "fight")
DARIA: I have to admit, I owe you one.
QUINN: (looking at the ground) But...I'm -finished-!  The Fashion
Club will know I warned you and not Sandi and they'll kick me
out!
DARIA: Well, you could tell them you meant to warn Stacy and I
reacted by accident.
QUINN: (perking up)  Thanks.
DARIA: You do realize that we're even now.
(Stacy appears)
STACY: Quinn's cousin, I'm glad you're not hurt.
DARIA: Uh, thanks.
STACY: And Quinn, I know you were trying to warn your cousin...
QUINN: Uh...
STACY: That was nice of you.
QUINN: It...was?
STACY: Yeah, Sandi looked like she could have -killed- her and
you were just looking out for your family.
QUINN: Th-thanks.  Uh...
STACY: I won't tell Tiffany or Sandi.
(Stacy and Quinn walk off)

(Jane shows up)
JANE: Boy, it's a good thing Sandi's mom showed up.
DARIA: Yeah.
JANE: It...-was- by chance wasn't it?
DARIA: Well...
JANE: -She- was your 'secret weapon'?
DARIA: Yeah.  I called her anonymously and told her about the
fight.  Mrs. Griffin doesn't know who -I- am so she won't tell my
mom about it.
JANE: Daria, that was...pretty simple.
DARIA: Yeah.
JANE: But underhanded. (smirks)

(Trent picks them up a little afterwards)
TRENT: So, Daria, I'm glad you're not hurt.
DARIA: She never touched me Trent, yet she'll bringing home some
scabs and I have the whole school as witnesses.
TRENT: Well, I just think it was killer to tell on her mom like
that.
DARIA: What can I say?  I said there wouldn't be a fight.

END