Hey, You Look Like Jane! by Jill Palmer jill@mail.one.net Summary: Daria and Jane return from Christmas break to find... a new student who looks almost exactly like Jane! See what happens in "Laaaaawndale Hiiiiigh" when Sara Dunaway moves to town. (A few notes: Daria & co. sans Sara, AP, and Lynn belong to MTV. Lynn and AP belong to Canadibrit, who is a darn good fanfic writer. Please don't sue me. Also I have included the lyrics I want at a certain part if I have a specific section in mind. Otherwise just a small part would be played, or the whole thing if it's a long scene. As far as the Look-Alike series goes, I had only read "A Meeting of the Brains" and "Grating Expectations" when I started writing this. Therefore I did not know about what they did to Ms. Li or about the trip to London. I read the stories which contain these events and have tied them in like so: LHS was closed for an extra week after the foursome returned from London. The school board tried to find a new principal during this time, but failed. Ms. Li is back in office until they find a replacement.) (Scene: Daria's bedroom. Music: "Calling You" by Aqua. Daria is sitting at her desk, staring down a pile of blank papers. Sick Sad World is on TV. Just before the announcer can say what they're talking about, Daria shuts off the TV and grabs her phone. She dials Jane's number from memory.) (split screen - Daria and Jane) Jane: Yo. Daria: Hey. What's happening over there? Jane: The band's in the basement, which means Trent is up for more than two hours today. It also means that we'll lose a few more inches of paint off the basement walls, if there's any left to lose. I'm splattering paint all over a canvas. Daria: Splattering? Jane: Yep. Thought I'd go for the Jackson Pollack look and see if anyone understands it. What's happening to you? Daria: I'm staring down some blank paper. I can almost hear it laughing at me - like you and that canvas you were staring down before this school year. Damn, I hate writer's block. Jane: Well, if you need ideas, you could always come over to my place and listen to the band for a little bit. I think they're almost done, so you could talk to Trent afterwards... Daria: Cut the damn yenta act, Jane! Before one of us kills you. With your luck, it'll probably be me. Jane: Sorry I mentioned it. God, Daria, I didn't know you were that sensi- Daria: Hanging up now. Please take it personally. < (Daria looks down at the paper in front of her. A smirk develops on her face, and she starts writing.) (Scene: Lawndale High. Daria-ish text at the bottom reads "one week later". There is snow on the building - this is obviously winter, possibly after Christmas break. Music: "Jane" by Barenaked Ladies - the version off Rock Spectacle. Daria is seen entering the building by herself.) Daria: Now where the hell is... oh. (Daria is talking about Jane. Standing at a locker near hers is a girl with a haircut exactly like Jane's. In fact, everything bears a resemblance to Jane, except the shirt, which is blue but obviously the same brand. Daria heads over.) Daria: Hey Jane, like the new shirt. Are you going Fashion Club seasonal here or something? (no answer) Daria: So how much paint got peeled off the basement walls last week anyway? Oh, wait, there isn't any left, right? (still no answer) Daria: Dammit, Jane, why aren't you talking to me? God, I'm sorry I hung up on you if that's what your complaint is. You never reacted like this before. (The girl turns around - it's obviously not Jane. For one thing, she's got glasses that look an awful lot like Daria's. For another, the tshirt on under the blue shirt is dark blue, not black.) New Girl: (in a voice almost exactly like Jane's, not quite) Excuse me? Daria: ACK! Who the hell are you? New Girl: Who wants to know? Daria: Daria Morgendorffer. Straight B English student and one of few people in this school who sees this pathetic world in the harsh light of reality. New Girl: Sara Dunaway. Straight C+ science student and a curve ball for this school's art department. So who's Jane, anyway? You're the fifth person who's called me that this morning. Daria: Um... you'll have to meet her. Who've youi got first? Sara: O'Neill. English. Daria: Hoo boy. Well, If you won't answer to Jane, how about Serena, Stella, or Sandy? He's bound to call you those, plus a few others no one's come up with. Sara: Oh. Only associates names with faces that stick out, right? Daria: (actually smiles) Sara: Good. I was starting to wonder if there were any emotions in your head at all. (Brittany and Kevin walk past) Kevin: Hey Daria. Hey Jane. Brittany: Hi, Daria, Jane. Did you get anything nice for Christmas? (they keep going) Sara: That's seven. Wonder when it'll go into double digits. (heads for bathroom) Daria: (smirking, to self) I can't wait till you meet Jane. Jane: Yo. Daria: What the... oh. It's you. Jane: Who else would it be? And why the almost expression? (Daria starts to say something, but is cut off by the PA.) Ms. Li: Will Jane Lane and Sara Dunaway please report to the principal's office? Daria: (smirking) Oh, you'll see. (Scene: Jane entering Ms. Li's office. Sara is already seated, and there is a chair next to her. If there's enough of it left, "Jane" should keep playing. Otherwise, the music is "Deep As You Go" by October Project [you may or may not have heard of them.]) Ms. Li: Have a seat, Ms. Lane. I'd like you to meet our new student, Sara Dunaway. (the two regard each other) Jane: (monotone, wary) Yo. Sara: (same) Hi. Ms. Li: I am sure that Ms. Dunaway will be an honor to Lawndale High. While her science grades were only average last semester- Sara: Just above average. (beat) C+ last year. Jane: (thought VO) Someone's actually correcting Ms. Nazi? Wow. Ms. Li: Just above average, I note that her other grades, particularly art and English, are- Sara: Unfair advantage. Been speaking it all my life. (Jane stifles a laugh) Ms. Li: I am SURE that Ms. Dunaway's grades, if not her ATTITUDE, will be a merit to Lawndale High! Ms. Lane, I'd like you to take her around and show her the ropes. Jane: I thought student greeter was Jodie's job. Ms. Li: It is, and I wish she was here to do it. But her mother called me this morning and said she has the flu, and won't be here this week. Sara: I think I feel a rendition of the school fight song coming on. (belches) Sorry. False alarm. Ms. Li: (sick of the wisecracks) You two may leave now. Class starts in five minutes, and lateness is an automatic week's detention. (The two girls regard each other again, this time a bit more approvingly. They leave the office and head toward O'Neill's room.) Jane: So.. Sara: So.. Jane: You met Daria yet? Sara: Yep. Fifth person today who called me Jane. She was talking to me for about two minutes before I turned around, then I think she almost flipped. Jane: Did she show any emotions? Sara: Not at first. Then I said something about O'Neill and names, and she actually smiled. Jane: That's a good sign. She must like you already. Sara: So which one of these rooms is O'Neill's? Jane: Now that you mention it, it's this one. Well, here goes nothing. Sara: Got that right. (They enter. There is a pause, then we hear O'Neill start sobbing.) (Scene: LHS cafeteria. Daria is leaving the line, looking for Jane & Sara. She finds them sitting at an otherwise vacant table. Music: "Your Horoscope For Today" by Weird Al.) Daria: I don't know whether to call you two the Olsen twins or the Mowry twins. Jane: Shut up, Daria. Sara: You know perfectly well we're not related. Jane: Besides, I thought both of those translated into you and Lynn. Daria: Speaking of whom, I haven't seen much of her today. You seen her? Jane: Nope, so you better have a thick book handy. Upchuck at 2:00. Daria: Well, what do you know! Lynn at 3:00. Jane: Damn good timing, Lynn. We were nearly approached by Upchuck. Lynn: He seems to have taken up the opposite direction. Daria: So where have you been all day? Lynn: Ms. Li changed my schedule. The only good thing is I have a study hall now. Jane: Oops, we missed intro time! Lynn, Sara. Sara, Lynn. Sara: Hi. Lynn: Hey. Daria: What's so good about study hall anyway? There's more idiots in there than in regular classes. Lynn: (Mona Lisa smile) I accepted a column in the school paper. Jodie talked me into it. Jane: (mock horror) Oooh, shocking. Lynn: Yeah, shocking if it ever sees print. Especially with how much Ms. Nazi censors the thing. Sara: So what're you writing about? Lynn: Have you heard Weird Al's song that sounds like it should be a horoscope column? Sara: You mean "Your Horoscope For Today"? Yeah... why? Lynn: I'm doing something like that. I want to see who believes it. (Jane & Sara snicker, Daria & Lynn smirk) Daria: That oughta throw the whole school into turmoil. Lynn: That's the whole point. The way I figure it, anyone in this school who's at least halfway smart - in other words, us, Jodie, Mack, and maybe a few people we've underestimated - will know that anything coming from me is bound to be sarcastic and cynical, and will get a good laugh if they do read it. Which you guys will, right? Daria, Jane, Sara: (in unison) Right. Lynn: Good. But stupid people, who unfortunately occupy most of this school, will think I got be information from a magazine or something, and not out of my head. They'll be waiting for whatever I write in there to happen... Daria: ...and the whole school will go crazy in the process. Except, of course, the smart people, who will be getting a good laugh at the whole thing. Damn, I wish I'd thought of that. Had writer's block last week. Lynn: (sarcastic) Oooh, scary. (Sara takes her tray over to the trash can. Upchuck approaches her, and she shoves her (full) backpack into his groin, but not before taking at least 3 minutes of cheesy pickup lines.) Upchuck: (about 5 octaves higher than usual) Eep! (He runs for cover, and one of the girls in the lunchroom starts applauding. The rest follow suit.) (Scene: LHS corridors. Music: "Personal Space Invader" by Sugar Ray. Daria & Co. are discussing the upset of Upchuck by Sara.) Sara: Let me guess. The sleazy kid by the trash can was Upchuck. Daria: (deadpan) Congratulations. You win. How'd you guess? Sara: That's what I felt like doing. All over him, I might add. Jane: Another reason for him to avoid the Flack-Jacket Mafia. Sara: Another? Lynn: My first day here, he tried something and I scared the daylights out of him. Probably the nightlights, too. Jane: Hey Sara, we're all going to Daria's house after school. You wanna come? Sara: Sure. Not like I have anything better to do. Daria: OK. Meet us here after school. (Scene: streets of Lawndale. There oughta be enough of the previous music for it to continue. The foursome is walking toward Daria's house.) Lynn: You got all the teachers down yet? Sara: I think so. Let's see... Ms. Barch hates men, Mrs. Bennet hates pennies, and Mr. DiMartino hates everyone. Right? Daria: Right. Did Ms. Barch give her speech about why to avoid males at all costs? Sara: Because they'll drain both your will and bank account before running off with a pretty blonde college girl with stilletto heels. Jane: Your initiation is complete. Welcome to Lawndale. Strict IQ limits enforced. Sara: So what do Lawndale's social outcasts do after school? Daria: Eat pizza. Jane: Watch Sick Sad World. Lynn: Bitch about the nauseatingly stupid people at school. (They stop in front of Casa Morgendorffer.) Lynn: For today, scratch pizza off you social outcast day planner. We're sticking with the last two options. (Scene: living room. Music: "Girl Like That" by Matchbox 20. (specific lyrics! oh joy. You think this life would make me bolder/but I'm running scared is all/I hang on everything about you/you think I'd settle down cuz I'm older/but I roll with the change is all/I'm same old trash in new shoes) Jake is sitting on the couch. He hears the door open and shut as Daria, Lynn, Jane, and Sara enter.) Jake: (to himself) Boots. Daria. Second set of boots - Jane, no, wait, is it Jean? Anyway, third set of boots. Lynn. Fourth set of - fourth set of boots? (estatic) OH MY GOD, DARIA'S GOT A NEW FRIEND! Sara: Does he always get like this when you bring home a new friend? Daria: I didn't bring anyone home before we moved here. Lynn: If you think this is an overreaction, you shoulda seen what he did the first time she brought me over. (The group heads upstairs and into Daria's room during the rest of this coversation.) Sara: What happened? Lynn: He passed out. Daria: According to my mother, he'd been watching something on TV about doctors selling one twin to somebody, and then giving the other back to the biological parents. Then when he saw us, he thought it was true and passed out from shock. Sara: How'd he know? Jane: He called her about it. Sara: Has he done any repeat performances? Lynn: No, he's pretty much used to me by now. Sara: Damn. (Scene: Daria's room. Music: "Polka Power!" by Weird Al. (this song is a medley and there's not official lyrics so here's the song bits I want: Everybody (Backstreet's Back), Walkin' on the Sun, Intergalactic, Tubthumping, Ray of Light, Push, Semi-Charmed Life.) Sara is looking at the "decor" and occasionally conversing with the rest of the group. Daria and Lynn are both reading. Daria has a notebook and pen by her side. Jane is holding a sketchbook and a crumpled piece of paper.) Jane: You were actually going to *write* about this? Daria: Correction. I did, but only because it was my only inspiration. Until now. You have earned a reprieve. Jane: At least until your next dry spell. (The camera shows the top of the paper - the title is "Lawndale's Own Yenta Activist".) Sara: This is the coolest room I've ever been in. Is there anything else of interest in here? Lynn: Yes, if you like violent poetry. Sara: WHAT! Daria: Carved in the walls. Lynn made a copy of it. Jane: She didn't put it there, if that's what you're thinking. Our best guess is the schizophrenic shut-in mother of the previous owner. Sara: Ah, what the hell. I'll read it. (pulls out a pocket flashlight) Nothing else seems to be happening here. Let me know if something does. Daria: (to Lynn) Does AP ever go online anymore? Lynn: He might. Why? Daria: Didn't see him in school today. Just wondering what's up in his department. Lynn: Shall I check? Daria: Go right ahead. (Scene: Daria's room. Music: "Something Ain't Right" by David Byrne (You probably have never heard of him.). Lynn is sitting at the computer, typing away. Daria and Jane are writing and skecthing (respectively). Sara's boots are protruding from the closet.) Daria: You got an answer yet? Lynn: Nope. If all else fails, I can try to call him when I get home. Sara: (slightly muffled) Wow! This is cool! Daria: (towards closet) Glad you're enjoying yourself. (to self) Now how should I start this next paragraph? Lynn: I got an answer! Jane: Really? Lynn: Yep. He says he's sick and won't be in school till next week. Daria: (deadpan) Guess we better find a deluxe booth at Pizza King. Sara: (sticks head out of closet, confused) Huh? Jane: Pizza King is where we go for our Lawndale Social Outcast Club pizza fests. Four people in this room right now plus one when AP gets better equals one crowded booth. Sara: Oh. (goes back to reading) (Lynn types something, waits a few seconds, then turns around.) Lynn: He says if he's better Saturday, he'll meet us at Pizza King at 3:00. That OK with everybody? Daria, Jane, and Sara: (in unison) Yep. (Scene: a montage of events covering Tuesday through Friday. Music: "Falls Apart" by Sugar Ray. Scenes in the montage include: Sara "taking" the self-esteem test with the help of Jane's cheat sheet, all 4 painting a mannequin (each painting shows a different outfit on it) in art, the group minus Sara watching Mystik Spiral practice, a few pizza fests scattered in between, and a final scene like the one that preceded the montage.) (Scene: Casa Lane, basement. Music: "Be my Yoko Ono" by Barenaked Ladies. The foursome are perched on the stairs, watching Mystik Spiral practice. They have another "no corn anywhere" argument, similar to the one in "A Meeting of the Brains". Trent decides they'd better stop practicing before they hurt each other. Nick, Max, and Jesse head for the stairs, but stop when they see Daria & Co.) Nick: Um, Trent, I think Jane picked up a twin somewhere. Daria: (to Jane) You better introduce her before they decide they're hallucinating. Jane: (to Daria) It's probably too late for that. (to group) No, sorry, I didn't find a twin. There's still only one Jane. Guys, this is Sara. Sara, this is Trent, Jesse, Nick, and Max. They are Mystik Spiral. (everyone who's been introduced says "hi") Lynn: Hey Trent. What time is it? Trent: About quarter till 3. Why? (A collective "Oh SHIT!" rises from the girls. They rush out, leaving the band confused.) (Scene: Pizza King. Music: "Somebody" by David Byrne. Daria and Lynn are sitting one one side of a booth, Sara and Jane on the other. An extra chair has been pulled over to the side of the table.) Sara: So when's AP supposed to get here, anyway? Lynn: Making final descent in five... four... three... two... one... (The little bell on the door goes off. AP enters.) Jane: The eagle has landed. AP: (mock horror) Oh. no! More Bobbsey twins! Jane and Sara: (in unison) I have a sculpting knife, and I'm not afraid to use it! (They look at each other and start laughing. AP follows suit, and Daria and Lynn smirk.) Jane: I didn't know you were an artist. Sara: Likewise. Wanna come over sometime and compare work? Jane: Sure! AP: Looks like Art-Smart Scarlet has found a kindred spirit here. (to Sara) You taken the self-esteem test yet? Sara: Took it Tuesday, thanks to Jane's answer sheet. Daria: About the third or fourth time that thing's saved us all from a fate worse than death. AP: (grin) All right! What else did I miss at school? Lynn: It turns out the Nazi Jackboot isn't gone yet. Sara and Jane sent O'Neill into tears simply by walking in the room together. Sara also shoved her full backpack into Upchuck where it hurts men the most. AP: And the home fronts? Daria: Sara has been introduced to the violent poetry in my closet, and also Mystik Spiral. Sara: Who's the Nazi jackboot? Daria: Ms. Li. Sara: What did you mean by her not being gone yet? Jane: Not only is that a completely different story, it's much longer. Daria: Will your parents mind if we go to your house? Sara: They'll be surprised that I made so many friends in one week, but they won't mind. Lynn: We'll explain the thing with Ms. Li on the way there. (all exit) (Scene: Sara's room. Music: "Birdhouse in Your Soul" by They Might Be Giants. The entire room is painted black, and the furniture is painted dark blue. The group enters in the order they talk.) Jane: All right, where's the art hidden? Lynn: This looks a lot like my room... Sara: (deadpan, to Jane) If you look real close, you can see the little tiny sculpture I carved on top of the headboard. Daria: No, really. I'm interested too. Where's the art at? AP: (kidding around) I'm getting a strong sense of deja vu here. (Sara walks over to a covered easel.) Sara: And now, for the grand unveiling of my latest masterpiece! (She removes the cover, revealing a painting that looks a lot like one Jane would do. Everyone is surprised at the similarities.) Sara: (confused) What? Jane: Let's all go to my place. You have to see something. (Scene: Jane's room. Music plays on.Sara is looking at Jane's paintings in the same state of surprise that the others looked at her work in. Jane is painting something at an easel.) Sara: Wow. This looks so much like my art... Jane: (without looking up) That's why we were in so much shock over yours. AP: So what happens now that there are two arteests in the Flack Jacket Mafia? Jane: Will you quit calling us that? Me and Sara don't even have flack jackets. Lynn: Besides, that's *my* name for this group. Daria: I vote we petition Ms. Defoe for an art exhibit at school. AP: If that's ever gonna happen, we better wait till the Nazi Jackboot is replaced. Jane: True. She'd never let it slide. (looks up from easel) I'm almost done with this. Just one more... there! Now it's *my* turn to do the unveiling. (Jane steps back from the painting. It is of her looking in a mirror and seeing Sara, obviously an interpretation of their first meeting. The camera pans back, and we see Jane and Sara with identical smirks on their faces.) THE END If you have any comments on this, please send them to the email at the top of the story.