A Halloween-themed Daria fan fic by Brother Grimace
Jake Morgendorffer dropped back into the warm, soft bed beneath him
His wife Helen seemed to roll off him easier than ever before, and Jake ran his fingers through her hair. "Oh, damn, Helen," he managed to gasp. "That was... amazing... damn, baby... you've still got it."
Jake lay silently in bed, his fingers moving down to stroke her shoulders. "Hey, it's your turn now," he said, his smile unseen in the darkness. "Yeah.... just let me get a drink of water first."
Smiling as he slipped out of bed, Jake gave Helen's shapely, nude form a quick once-over before heading into the bathroom. "Yeah, baby," he said. "You've still got it."
Jake picked up a Tupperware glass as he turned the spigot, and let the water run several seconds before he filled his glass; raising the glass of cold water to his lips, Jake drained the entire glass easily.
"Man, that really hit the spot!" Jake exclaimed, filling the glass with more cold water. "You know, Coyote was right – after a good, solid time in the sack, nothing tastes better than some nice, refreshing, ice-cold H2O! Hey – Helen! You want a glass? It'll cure what ails you!"
Refilling the glass once more, Jake moved slowly out of the bathroom and towards the bed, waggling his hips suggestively. "Of course, for the condition you have, I'd recommend a nice, solid course of hot beef injections – AAAAHHHH!"
Jake took a step back as he saw his wife step out of the shadows and into the light from the bathroom; his stomach felt as though it would violently empty itself at any moment as he looked at Helen...
She moved slowly, her ample breasts bouncing slightly as she moved towards him in a slow, halting gait, as if she could do nothing but to drag her feet as she moved towards him, with her arms slightly outstretched, hands clenching together over and over.
"Helen?" Jake asked, confusion scraping across his face. "Honey, what's wrong with you?"
"b-b-b-b-b," she tried to speak; Jake went pale as he saw just how white his wife's complexion had become, a deathly pallor, with an unusual rasping coming from her throat.
"Ah, honey – this isn't funny," Jake said, taking a couple of steps back. "Now, you know that I like role-playing as much as any other couple – but you know I don't get into the freaky 'monster sex' – not even if we're doing 'Rocky Horror!' Remember that time we switched it up so that you were 'the sweet transvestite from Transsexual, Transylvania' and I was the slut? Huh?"
"b-b-b-b-b," Helen seemed to mumble once more.
"Now, honey – quit playing!" Jake snapped, a thread of anger sliding up his spine. "Now you know I don't like this, so cut it out!"
Helen's eyes locked with her husband's eyes as she stopped three feet from him – and then, dropped down to fixate on his exposed manhood (of course it was exposed, seeing that Jake was currently naked).
"WHAT?" Jake shouted, his temper starting to bubble up. "Damnit, Helen, stop playing! Just stop it so we can go back to bed – and I was about to really take care of you! I was going to ask if you wanted to play 'Baskin-Robbins', and see how many flavors I can make it through before you reach 'ice cream heaven'!"
Husband and wife once again locked gazes – and then, Helen opened her mouth to speak.
"BRAIN!" she screeched, lunging at his groin with now-clawlike hands. "BRAIN!"
"AAAHHHH!" Jake squealed, leaping to one side as Helen rammed headfirst into the wall and dropped to the floor, breasts still bobbling wildly as she fell onto her back.
"Helen – are you okay?" Jake said, peeking out at the figure lying flat on the floor. "Hey – if you're ready to quit playing around, you can lay just like that as long as you want! Ol' Jakey's been spending some time at the gym on the-"
He motioned as if he were lifting weights. "-'Free weights.' Come on, Helen – what do you say?"
Helen's head spun around faster than he could ever remember her doing so before (even when she was mad at him) as her eyes snapped open!
"BRAIN!" she screeched; Jake barely got the bathroom door closed before Helen leapt from the floor and nearly grabbed him! "BRAIN!"
"What the hell is the matter with you?" Jake cried out, as Helen began pounding on the bathroom door. "For the love of God, Helen, why are you acting like this – I know it's not your time of the month!"
"BRAIN!" Helen's voice was like the point of an auger, drilling through the wooden door and rattling through her husband's brain... especially when he could hear her sliding down against the door, banging her fists wildly on it at crotch level. "BRAIN!"
"I'm seriously thinking that you need to go back to that doctor and ask for a refund on those new hormone pills she gave you, Helen!" Jake shouted through the door.
Helen's pounding ceased; Jake, still so shaken up that he didn't realize that he was still naked, sat back against the bathroom counter – the Tupperware glass still clutched firmly in his hand. "What the hell is wrong with her?" he said, gasping as he tried to catch his breath. "I'm not selfish – she could have had hers first!"
Jake's head snapped about as the bathroom door resounded with a heavy THWACK!
"What the hell is that?"
The bathroom door began to splinter!
Helen's face, her eyes now lit up with a pale red glow, appeared in the fist-sized hole she had punched through the door. As Jake stood and watched her, momentarily stunned by her appearance, Helen's face became predatory as she focused her gaze at Jake's groin.
"BRAIN," she hissed through the hole. "BRAIN..."
"Time to go!" Jake said, grabbing Helen's robe from a bathroom hook as he slipped on the pair of bath slippers – and as Helen began to widen the hole, Jake slid the window open and shimmied through!
"Okay, I just sneak in through the window in the guest room, get some clothes and the baseball bat I keep in the closet in there," Jake muttered to himself, moving slowly across the roof, "And if my zombie wife shows her face, I bonk her one!"
Jake stuck his head through the window of the guest room – and withdrew just as quickly, as a pair of arms barely missed dragging him back through the window!
"BRAIN!" Rita Barksdale barked, her zombified form halfway through the window as Jake scrambled to the edge of the roof, and jumped!
"Never thought I'd live to see the day I'd say it – but 'thank you, Buxton Ridge!"
Jake said, landing so that he wasn't hurt. "Thank you for – oh, hell!"
Jake took off running as a zombified Amy Barksdale, rumbling 'BRRRAAAIIIN" at the top of her voice chased him down the street.
"That's it, damnit!" he yelped, pushing a pouncing Amy into the trunk of a car and not stopping to watch as she flipped neatly in the air as she soared over the full length of the car, and landed face-first on the sidewalk. "No more damned Barksdale family reunions!"
He stopped running, paused to take a breath – and his eyes went wide as he looked up to see a street full of women, in various states of dress and undress, slowly approaching him as a sound seemed to flow through the impromptu parade...
Jake took one step back as he saw Mrs. Johanssen, naked except for a showed cap, and his blood went cold as he saw her eyes lock on his crotch.
Jake took the few seconds needed to tie off the housecoat he wore – and took off as the female zombies chased him, their perpetual chant of "BRAIN!" spurring him on like a buggy whip.
He ran – dodging Linda Griffin, pushing his daughter's arty friend to that she ran face-first into a tree as she tried to get him, trying to ignore the perpetual sight of Mrs. Johanssen as she stayed on him several yards back like a foxhound on the scent – but he was getting tired... and there was nowhere he could think to run...
"Jake! Wake up!"
"Oh! Sorry, Helen - ol' Jakey dozed off, and had a little bit of a nightmare. I-"
"You can tell me all about it at home, Jake," Helen said, ignoring the cool look that Angela Li, the Principal of Lawndale High School. "Mow, what about this award that you want to give to Daria?"
"Mr. and Mrs. Morgendorffer – your daughter, as of a token of her consistently outstanding academic performance during her time here at – Lawndale High-"
Jake and Helen shared a look at the way Li pronounced the name of the school. "Which has culminated in her graduating third in the class," she continued, "will receive the Dian Fossey Award."
"Really?" Helen's pride shone through her voice. "That's our little girl!"
"It's a very special award," Li said, rising from her chair and turning to a cabinet behind her desk. "You should be proud of her – as the Dian Fossey Award is a testament to Miss Morgendorffer's remarkable-"
Li spun around, and Jake shrieked as he saw that the Principal had transformed into a zombie. "BRAIN!" she shrieked.
Jake felt something knock him back to the floor! He looked up to see Janet Barch, Helen, Claire DeFoe, Li and several other women standing above him – all zombies!
Barch licked her lips as she looked in the direction of Jake's crotch. "Brain," she said, her dead eyes wild as her claw-like hands reached down, as if in slow motion. "Brain..."
"Jakey! Are you all right?"
Jake pulled himself out from beneath his covers, and saw Helen sitting up in bed, concern on her face as she helped him pull the covers away. "Honey - that must have been a very bad dream!"
"Y-yeah... it was," Jake said, easing himself back down upon his pillows. "It was like – like one of the really brown acid trips. Helen, you were a zombie, and all of the women in town were zombies!"
"What – were we all watching reality TV?" Helen stroked her husband's chest. "You know – I could help you relax enough to get back to sleep..."
"No!" Jake all but shouted. "I mean – that's okay! Why – why don't we just take care of you, okay?"
Helen's face broke out into a huge smile. "Well, Jake – if that's what you want...."