HALLOWEEN HELLRAISER A Daria Halloween Story By Patrick Moore CMoore1703@aol.com Apologies to Glen Eichler and Susie Lewis Lynn. ACT ONE- HALLOWEEN AND DARIA MORGENDORFFER DO MIX. (Scene opens with Daria and Jane walking to school.) JANE- I can't wait till Saturday. DARIA- Is Kevin finally going to get a brain? JANE- Does October 31 ring a bell? DARIA- That's the day Quinn gets a face-lift. JANE- It's Halloween. DARIA- I always mistake that day for the day Quinn gets a boyfriend. JANE- What are going as this Halloween? DARIA- I haven't worn a costume since I was ten and Quinn got her cute genes. JANE- How was it like? DARIA- You don't want to know. (Scene changes to Mr. O'Neill's classroom at Lawndale High School.) MR. O'NEILL- (To class.) I know you all know that Saturday is Halloween. But who started it in the first place? (Looks at Kevin reading a horror magazine.) Kevin, can you tell me who started Halloween? KEVIN- Stephen King. MR. O'NEILL- That's incorrect, Kevin. (Looks at Daria.) DARIA- Uh-oh. MR. O'NEILL- Daria, can you tell me who started Halloween? DARIA- It was the Pagans who thought it would be a great idea to have a holiday for their lord and master, Satan. It is rumored that October 31 was marked as Satan's birthday. MR. O'NEILL- Uh...I'll accept that, Daria. DARIA- (To Jane.) How was that for an answer? JANE- (To Daria.) Satan's Birthday? DARIA- (To Jane.) It worked for Jesus and Christmas. JANE- Daria, you are a little devil. (Ms. Li enters.) MS. LI- Students of Lawndale High, I have some good news. DARIA- (To Jane.) We're finally get to go to movies on field trips for once. MS. LI- This Saturday is the annual Lawndale High Halloween party. I expect you all to be there. JANE- (To Daria.) Like we have a choice. MS. LI- Who do you think will win this year's costume contest? Will it be last year's winner, Sandi Griffin, or someone new? DARIA- (To Jane.) When did Sandi win a costume contest? JANE- (To Daria.) You weren't here at the time she won the costume contest at the last Halloween party the school had. She won for her Scarlet O'Hara costume. DARIA- (To Jane.) What do you think she'll wear this year? (Jane shrugs.) (Cut to Ms. Li looking at Kevin reading his horror magazine.) MS. LI- (To Kevin.) Mr. Thompson! KEVIN- I'm awake, Mr. DeMartino! MS. LI- What the hell are you reading? KEVIN- It's the latest copy of "The Gravedigger." MS. LI- "The Gravedigger?" KEVIN- It's this great horror magazine with all these scary stories and interviews with people who works in horror and sci-fi movies and TV. MS. LI- Why are you reading that garbage during school hours? KEVIN- It's not garbage, it's art. (Ms. Li snatches up Kevin's magazine.) MS. LI- See me in my office after school, Mr. Thompson. I'm going to talk to your parents about your bad reading material. KEVIN- Ah man! JANE- (To Daria.) It looks like Kevin's in the dog pound again. (Scene changes to Ms. Li's office where she is talking to Kevin's parents, Doug and Charlene Thompson.) MS. LI- Mr. and Mrs. Thompson, I just saw your son reading a magazine that shouldn't be read in our fair Lawndale High. CHARLENE- Is it one of those magazines with the women in the birthday suits? MS. LI- It's worst than that, Mrs. Thompson. Your son has been reading a horror magazine in my school. (Ms. Li shows the Thompsons the magazine she took from Kevin.) DOUG- I didn't know you read "The Gravedigger," Ms. Li? MS. LI- It's your son who has been reading this crap here! DOUG- What's wrong with reading a horror magazine? CHARLENE- (To Doug.) Our son is reading something that might warp his mind, and you say what's wrong! We have to save our little Kevin from becoming the next Charles Manson! DOUG- I don't remember Kevin reading one of those magazines before, maybe one of his friends gave it to him. CHARLENE- It has to be that Morgendorffer girl. DOUG- The one who's always with those snobby girls? CHARLENE- I'm talking about the one with the glasses. DOUG- You mean Kevin's girlfriend? CHARLENE- That's that tramp, Brittany. DOUG- Then you must mean Daria? CHARLENE- That's the one. MS. LI- If Ms. Morgendorffer is the one who gave your son that horrid magazine, then she'll have some explaining to do. CHARLENE- Let me talk to Daria, Ms. Li. MS. LI- As you wish, Mrs. Thompson. CHARLENE- Thank you, Ms. Li. MS. LI- But if she is the one, she'll wish she never came to Lawndale High. (Scene changes to the Morgendorffer's living room where Daria and Jane are watching TV.) TV ANNOUNCER- He's half man, half wolf, and she married him. Bride of the Wolf Man on the next Sick, Sad World. JANE- Where do they get all this stuff? DARIA- The X-Files or something. JANE- Speaking of the X-Files, isn't that aunt of yours coming over here tomorrow? DARIA- Sure is. Aunt Amy's coming over to spend Halloween with us. JANE- Do you think that she'll come to the party? DARIA- I don't know yet. Aunt Amy got this costume she's going to wear on Halloween, and I don't even know what it is. (Quinn enters.) JANE- (To Daria.) Speaking of costumes. QUINN- I heard that, Lane. DARIA- (To Quinn.) What do you want? QUINN- Since Saturday is the Halloween party, I want to go to the mall and find me a costume to wear. DARIA- Isn't it easier to go to one of those costume stores that are cheaper than the ones in the mall? QUINN- Are you crazy, Daria? I'm not going to wear one of those crappy costumes that someone else wore last year! Besides, I want to beat Sandi in the costume contest this year. DARIA- Do you remember what Mom said about this year's Halloween? QUINN- No. DARIA- (Sighs.) She said that we're going to cut back on Halloween supplies this year. QUINN- What! DARIA- Remember what happened years ago? QUINN- No. DARIA- (Sighs again.) It all started back in Highland when I was ten and you were eight and a half. QUINN- I think I remember now...No, it's gone again. DARIA- Don't you remember anything from any Halloween? QUINN- No. DARIA- Why? QUINN- I don't know! You think that some weird force of supernatural sprits or something erased all my memories of Halloween? DARIA- (Eyes wide open.) Could be. JANE- Halloween can do strange things to people. (A Scene changes to the Morgendorffer's dining room where the family is having dinner.) HELEN- (To Daria.) Daria, I just had a talk with Charlene Thompson while I was shopping. You know, Kevin's mother? DARIA- Yes. HELEN- She says that you have given her son a copy of a magazine that shouldn't be in the hands of people Kevin's age. DARIA- What magazine? HELEN- It's one of those horror magazines that they have in comic book stores. She thinks that you're the one who gave it to him. DARIA- I didn't give Kevin any magazine. HELEN- Then who did? (Daria shrugs.) QUINN- Mom, I need a costume for the Halloween party Saturday. HELEN- Make your own, Quinn. QUINN- What! HELEN- I'm not going to spend anymore money on Halloween stuff this year. QUINN- Why not? HELEN- We need to save money for Thanksgiving and Christmas. JAKE- Anyway, you girls are too old for trick or treating. When I was a kid, my father and I went trick or treating on the other side of town to get some candy from Old Mrs. Slinghammer. When we got there, she had ran out of candy. DARIA- Then what happened? JAKE- She had a heart attack and died the next day. HELEN- Jake, what did that story have to do with what's happening now? JAKE- If my father just taken that shortcut to Mrs. Slinghammer's house, I would had some of her famous taffy right now! QUINN- All I want to say is that my Halloween is screwed thanks to you, Mom! HELEN- Quinn, why are you making me the bad guy? QUINN- You won't let me buy a costume, and you won't let me come home whenever I like anymore! DARIA- I heard that they got some Teletubbies costumes on sale at Cashman's. QUINN- Shut up, Daria! HELEN- You're not helping, Daria. (To Quinn.) Why don't you wear the costume you wore last year? QUINN- I am not going to wear a costume that is so outdated. HELEN- I'm not going to spend twenty-nine dollars on a costume that you can wear the same one you wore last year! Quinn, I want to save money for the next two holidays coming up. DARIA- (To Quinn.) While you're at it, you can come with Jane and me on some Halloween pranks. JAKE- (To Daria.) You're not going to do any pranks with all those loonies out there, young lady! HELEN- Daria was kidding, Jake. JAKE- I knew that. DARIA- Do you think that I can go see "The Rocky Horror Picture Show" Saturday after the party? JAKE- I don't see why not. HELEN- Jake! JAKE- What? (Scene changes to Daria and Jane standing next to their lockers at Lawndale High School.) JANE- What movie are we going to see after the party? DARIA- "The Rocky Horror Picture Show." JANE- Do you mind if I brought Trent and Jesse? DARIA- Trent and Jesse? JANE- We need Trent to take us, and Jesse hasn't seen a horror movie since he saw "Attack of the Killer Tomatoes Vs The Killer Klowns from Outer Space" in 1991. DARIA- You do have a point. JANE- When's you Aunt Amy coming to your house? DARIA- This evening at six. JANE- I know what happens when you two get together. Are you sure that you and your Aunt Amy are related? (Andrea enters.) ANDREA- Have you two seen that dolt Kevin? JANE- What would a gothic girl like you want with a dimwit like Kevin? ANDREA- That idiot has my magazine and I want it back. DARIA- You're the one who gave Kevin that magazine that Ms. Li took away from him. ANDREA- Ms. Li has my magazine? JANE- Yep. ANDREA- I'm going to kill that jerk! DARIA- Ms. Li? ANDREA- Kevin! (Andrea storms off.) DARIA- Looks like Kevin's going to get his butt whipped by Andrea. JANE- You haven't seen what she did to the Three J's just last week. (Cut to another part of the hallway where Kevin and Brittany are standing next to their lockers.) BRITTANY- What did your parents do to you Kevy? KEVIN- Mom said that I'm grounded until the Halloween party. BRITTANY- That sucks. KEVIN- Don't worry babe, we're still going out on Saturday. BRITTANY- I can't wait till everyone sees us dressed up as the Joker and Harley Quinn. KEVIN- I thought we're going as Superman and Batgirl? BRITTANY- Superman isn't in love with Batgirl, silly. (Andrea enters.) ANDREA- There you are, you dork! KEVIN- Andrea, what brings you here? ANDREA- Where's my magazine, you lummox? KEVIN- I don't have it. ANDREA- Then who has it? KEVIN- Ms. Li. BRITTANY- (To Andrea.) Leave my Kevin alone, you whore! ANDREA- You stay out of this, bimbo! BRITTANY- I am not a bimbo, you...you...you gothic girl you! (Mr. DeMartino enters.) MR. DEMARTINO- What the HELL is going on here? BRITTANY- Andrea called me a bimbo. ANDREA- Kevin won't give back my magazine! MR. DEMARTINO- KEVIN, give Andrea back her MAGAZINE! KEVIN- Ms. Li has the magazine. MR. DEMARTINO- Is it ONE of those PORNOS you read behind my back? KEVIN- No! ANDREA- It's one of my horror magazines I get at the drug store. I let Kevin borrow one for a couple of days, and was to give it back to me yesterday. KEVIN- I wasn't done reading it yet. MR. DEMARTINO- Let's all go to MS. LI'S office, and let her SORT this problem OUT! KEVIN- Ah man. (Cut to commercials.) ACT 2- AUNT AMY AND HALLOWEEN'S PAST. (Scene opens at Daria and Jane usual pizza hangout where the girls are eating pizza.) JANE- So Kevin, Brittany, and Andrea are spending detention together, all for some stupid magazine Kevin was reading. DARIA- It was Kevin's own fault. JANE- Just because he's a brainless jock doesn't mean that he can't read horror magazine most of the time. (Mack and Jodie enter.) JODIE- What are guys going to be at the Halloween party tomorrow? JANE- I'm going to be Wonder Woman. DARIA- I'm not going to the party. JODIE- I thought you liked Halloween, Daria? DARIA- I do. MACK- Then why are not you going to the party? DARIA- I don't want to be dressed up like some idiot, besides I'm too old to go trick or treating. JODIE- Are you still going with us to see "The Rocky Horror Picture Show" after the party? DARIA- Sure. JANE- How's Kevin doing? MACK- He's still in detention. JANE- Ain't detention over at five? MACK- Ms. Barch is keeping him until eight. JODIE- We'll see you guys at the party tomorrow. (Mack and Jodie leave.) JANE- I thought you wanted to go to the party, Daria? DARIA- The last Halloween I had became a total washout. JANE- What happened? DARIA- I don't want to talk about it right now. JANE- Why not? DARIA- Let's just say that a certain sister and two certain idiots ruined my Halloween forever. (Just then, a woman with long, brown hair enters walking to where Daria and Jane are.) WOMAN- I knew that I would find you here, Daria. DARIA- (Turning her head to see the woman.) Aunt Amy. AMY- How's my favorite niece doing? DARIA- The usual. AMY- I heard that your school is having a Halloween party tomorrow, and I wanted to spend Halloween with my favorite niece. JANE- Hi, I'm Jane. AMY- (To Jane.) Have we met before? JANE- You met my family and me when you and the rest of Daria's family came for Thanksgiving dinner. * (*This will happen in my upcoming story, "Turkey Days 2: Family Feud.") AMY- I remember you now. Weren't you the one who spilled cranberry sauce on Rita's dress? JANE- (Smirks.) The same. AMY- I still can't get that memory out of my head. DARIA- If you two are done talking about last year's Thanksgiving dinner, I got to find a costume to wear for the Halloween party. JANE- I thought you weren't going? DARIA- I changed my mind. JANE- Maybe Trent will be at the party. DARIA- Trent's going to the party?! AMY- Do you like this Trent boy, Daria? DARIA- Uh, no I don't. (Daria blushes.) (Scene changes to Sandi's bedroom where she's talking to Quinn on the phone.) SANDI- I totally can't wait to show my costume to everybody at the Halloween party tomorrow night. What are you going to wear at the party, Quinn? (The screen is split in half to show Sandi on the left and Quinn in her room on the right.) QUINN- It's none of your beeswax what I'm going to wear at the party! I'm going to beat you at the costume contest this year! SANDI- Don't hold you breath, Quinn. QUINN- You want to bet on that? SANDI- Sure. QUINN- If I win the costume contest, you have to make me President of the Fashion Club for a whole week. SANDI- If I win the costume contest, you have to wear a "I'm really stupid" tee shirt for a whole month. QUINN- A WHOLE MONTH WEARING THAT SHIRT! HELEN'S VOICE- Quinn, please keep your voice down! SANDI- Is it a deal? QUINN- (Sighs.) Deal. SANDI- See you at the party tomorrow, Quinn. (The screen returns back to normal which now shows Quinn in her room.) QUINN- Damn. (Scene changes to Daria's room where Quinn sneaks in to see what our heroine has for Quinn to wear to the Halloween party.) QUINN- (To herself.) Thank goodness Daria isn't here to see me in her room. (Quinn goes to Daria's closet; she looks throughout all of Daria's clothes.) QUINN- She has a lot of clothes, but she doesn't wear any of them, except her boring clothes she wears everyday. (Just then Quinn finds some of Daria's clothes that look kind of familiar to you fans.) QUINN- I thought Daria got rid of these when we left Highland? (Quinn shrugs.) Now all I need now is some lensless glasses. (A Scene changes to the Morgendoffer's dining room where everyone is having dinner.) QUINN- I have myself a costume to wear to the Halloween party. JAKE- That's great, honey. DARIA- Where did you get the money to buy it, Quinn? QUINN- I just found some old clothes in the attic. HELEN- I told you that you could use stuff around the house to make yourself a costume, Quinn. QUINN- Aunt Amy, do you have any glasses without lenses? DARIA- What are you up to, Quinn? QUINN- It's for my costume. (Amy takes out an old pair of her reading glasses and gives them to Quinn.) AMY- I'll take the lenses out before the party tomorrow. QUINN- Thanks, Aunt Amy. HELEN- What are you wearing to the girl's Halloween party, Amy? AMY- You have to wait until tomorrow, Helen. HELEN- Rats. (Daria smiles.) (Scene changes to Daria's room where she and Aunt Amy are talking.) DARIA- Can you keep a secret, Aunt Amy? AMY- Do you trust me? DARIA- Sure. AMY- Your secret's safe with me. DARIA- This is my first Halloween party in six to seven years, and I don't want it be like the last one. AMY- What happened? DARIA- It all started back in Highland six years ago. It was the Halloween to end all Halloweens. Mom and Dad were getting ready to go to a Halloween party, while Quinn and I were to go trick or treating with Mr. Anderson. (Scene flashbacks to the Morgendorffer's living room back in Highland; Helen is dressed up as an angel and Jake is dressed up as Superman.) HELEN- Girls, Mr. Anderson will be here any minute now. (Quinn, who's eight and a half years old enters dressed as a fairy princess.) QUINN- I'm coming, Mommy. HELEN- Where's Daria? (Daria, who's ten years old enters dressed in a black robe with white makeup on her face.) HELEN- What are dressed as, Daria? DARIA- I am Death. HELEN- What happened to the Strawberry Shortcake costume I gave you? DARIA- Death doesn't like Strawberry Shortcake. HELEN- Well Death is not going outside looking like something the cat dragged in! JAKE- Daria does have a point, Helen. Strawberry Shortcake died out in the late eighties like He-Man. HELEN- You stay out of this, Jake! DARIA- I didn't like the costume you gave me, so I made my own. HELEN- Why? DARIA- I don't like being cute; I want to be scary. JAKE- She does have a point. HELEN- Jake! JAKE- Sorry. HELEN- Daria, I know you want to have a scary costume for Halloween, but I don't want you to look like one of those serial killers they talk about on the news. Let's get you a different costume. (Helen grabs a tablecloth and puts it over Daria, then cuts two holes for the eyes.) HELEN- What do you think, Daria? DARIA- I look like Death covered with a tablecloth with two cut holes for eyes. HELEN- You're a ghost. DARIA- I don't want to be a ghost. (Doorbell rings.) HELEN- That must be Mr. Anderson now. (Helen walks to the door, and opens it to see Mr. Anderson and two certain little boys dressed as goblins.) DARIA- Oh no. QUINN- What is it, Daria? DARIA- We're trick or treating with Beavis and Butt-Head. I don't want to go out with those two lamebrains on Halloween. MR. ANDERSON- Are you ready to get some candy, girls? QUINN- Yes. DARIA- No. HELEN- Why not, Daria? DARIA- I'm not going with those idiots. HELEN- Beavis and Butt-Head are normal boys having fun. DARIA- Define normal. HELEN- Just go with them. DARIA- I'll go, but I don't have to like it. (Scene changes back to the present.) AMY- Then what happened? DARIA- I'll tell you later. Right now I got to think of what I'm going to wear at the Halloween party tomorrow. AMY- Didn't you get a costume at the costume shop? DARIA- You know Mom and her budgets. (Amy looks around and sees one of Quinn's magazines next to Daria's closet.) AMY- Daria, when did you start reading Waif? DARIA- What? AMY- That fashion magazine Quinn always reads. (Amy gives Daria the magazine.) DARIA- I think that Blue has left one of her clues, Aunt Amy. AMY- What are you talking about? DARIA- I smell a brat, and her name is Quinn Morgendorffer. (Go to commercials.) ACT 3- THE HALLOWEEN PARTY FROM HELL OR MISTAKEN IDENTITY CRISIS. (Scene opens on the day of the Halloween party; Jake and Helen are in the living room waiting for Daria, Quinn, and Amy.) JAKE- When are we going to get into our costumes, Helen? HELEN- Not until Amy and the girls leave, Jake. (Quinn come downstairs wearing a white shirt, red skirt, black jacket, and glasses with no lenses in them.) JAKE- Daria, when did you start wearing your old clothes again? QUINN- It's me, Dad. JAKE- Quinn? HELEN- I see that you wearing some of your sister's old clothes, Quinn. QUINN- Mom, this is my costume for the Halloween party tonight. JAKE- You're going out as Daria? QUINN- I'm going out as one of those unpopular girls. (Car horn honks.) QUINN- That's my ride. HELEN- I thought you were going with your Aunt Amy and Daria? QUINN- I asked Skyler to take me to the party. JAKE- Didn't you dump him? QUINN- We made up. HELEN- Before you go, I want you to be careful out there. QUINN- Moooommmm! HELEN- Just be careful out there, Quinn. (Quinn frowns and leaves.) DARIA'S VOICE- Is Quinn gone? HELEN- Yes. (Daria comes downstairs wearing blue jeans and a pink shirt similar to Quinn's.) JAKE- Quinn? DARIA- It's me Dad, Daria. JAKE- I thought you were Quinn, then Quinn was you? DARIA- It's my costume for the party. HELEN- Why are you dressed up like Quinn anyway? DARIA- It's payback time. HELEN- What did Quinn do now? DARIA- Quinn got into my closet and took some of my old clothes. JAKE- I thought I took those clothes to the Goodwill two months back? HELEN- Jake. JAKE- Sorry. HELEN- Where's Aunt Amy? DARIA- She's putting on her costume. JAKE- What is she going to be Helen? DARIA- You peeked. HELEN- What!? (Amy comes downstairs dressed up in Helen's blue outfit seen in the first episode.) HELEN- Amy, how could you do this to me? AMY- (Smirks.) Maybe this will teach you not to read my diary. HELEN- I haven't read your diary since we were in high school. AMY- See. JAKE- For shame, Helen, reading your little sister's diary like that. HELEN- Put a sock in it, Jake! DARIA- Aunt Amy and I are going to the party now. AMY- We should be back around two o'clock. HELEN- Why you two staying out that late? DARIA- We're going to the movie theater to watch "The Rocky Horror Picture Show" after the party. You want to come with us? JAKE- We got to give candy to all those little ghosts, goblins, and various other kids who are wearing costumes. AMY- We'll see you after the party then. HELEN- Be careful out there! DARIA- Mom! AMY- Helen! (Daria and Amy leave.) JAKE- Now that Amy and the girls are gone, let's put on our costumes. HELEN- What kind of costumes did you get us, Jake? JAKE- You'll see. (Scene changes to outside of Lawndale High where Jane dresses as Wonder Woman is waiting for Daria.) JANE- (To herself.) Where is she? (Jane spots Daria, who's really Quinn, walk towards her.) JANE- Quinn! Why the heck are you dressed up like Daria? QUINN- Out of my way, freak! I got to beat Sandi to the punch! (Quinn leaves as she enters the school.) JANE- That's no way to treat Wonder Woman! DARIA'S VOICE- Who the heck are you talking to? (Jane turns around to see Daria and Amy in their costumes.) JANE- Daria, why are you dressed like Quinn...again? DARIA- Quinn dressed like me, so I'm dressing as her. JANE- Quinn doesn't know that you're dressed as her again? DARIA- Nope. JANE- You got to see what Trent is wearing for a costume. DARIA- This I got to see. (Daria, Jane, and Amy leave as they enter the school.) (A Scene changes to the Morgendoffer's living room where Helen and Jake are in their costumes. Helen is wearing red short pants, and a gray shirt with the words "AC/DC" in yellow writing; Jake is wearing gray pants, and a blue shirt with the word "Metalica" in black writing. You may know now who they're dressed up as do you?) HELEN- I look like an idiot, Jake. JAKE- These costumes were half priced at Cashman's. HELEN- Thank goodness you didn't get masks for these damn things. JAKE- I couldn't help it, Helen. They didn't have any Raggedy Ann and Raggedy Andy costumes anymore. (Doorbell rings.) HELEN- I'll get it. (Helen opens the door to see Mrs. Gupty and her children outside. Tad is dressed like Batman and Tricia is dressed like Strawberry Shortcake.) TAD- Trick or treat, Mrs. Morgendorffer. HELEN- What nice costumes you kids are wearing. TRICIA- Thanks. (Helen gives Tad and Tricia some candy.) MRS. GUPTY- What the heck are you doing? HELEN- I'm giving the little tykes some candy. MRS. GUPTY- Tad and Tricia don't eat sweets! Don't you have any apples? HELEN- (Sighs.) I'll see if we got any in the fridge. (Helen goes to the kitchen where Jake is.) HELEN- Jake, do we have any apples left? JAKE- What for? HELEN- The Gupty kids can't eat candy, so I wanted to see if we had any fruit left we can give them. JAKE- I'll see what I can find. (Jake goes into the fridge to find some fruit.) HELEN- Well? JAKE- All I can find are two mangos and some rotten apples. HELEN- Give me the mangos! (Jake gives Helen the mangos.) (Helen goes back to the Guptys.) HELEN- All I had was these two mangos. MRS. GUPTY- They'll have to do. (Helen puts the mangos into Tad and Tricia's bags.) TAD AND TRICIA- Thank you, Mrs. Morgendoffer! HELEN- You're welcome. (The Guptys leave.) JAKE- That was easy, wasn't it? (Helen gives a "Shut up, Jake!" look at Jake.) (Scene changes to the gymnasium at Lawndale High. Quinn is talking to Tiffany and Stacy; Tiffany is dressed up as a Sailor Scout and Stacy is dressed up as an Indian princess.) QUINN- Have you two seen Sandi? STACY- She should be here in a few minutes. TIFFANY- Quinn, why are you dressed like your cousin? QUINN- It's my costume, okay. I'm wearing it to make my cousin look stupid. STACY- Did you see what your cousin is wearing? QUINN- What are you talking about? (Stacy points to where Daria is standing; Quinn turns around and gasps.) QUINN- NOT AGAIN! (Quinn walks up to Daria and Jane.) QUINN- What the hell are you doing dressed up as me again? DARIA- You took my clothes and dressed up as me, so I took some of your clothes and dressed up as you. QUINN- You had no right! DARIA- You scratch my back, and I scratch yours. QUINN- I'm sorry for taking some of your clothes, Daria. DARIA- Then you'll tell the Fashion Club that I'm really your sister? QUINN- Of course not! I'm not going to tell them that my sister is a complete loser geek! (Quinn leaves.) (Trent and Jesse enter. Trent is wearing a Jughead crown shaped hat, and Jesse is dressed up like Mel Gibson's character in "Braveheart.") TRENT- Hey Daria! DARIA- Hi, Trent. JANE- Trent, why are you wearing a Jughead hat on your head? TRENT- I couldn't find any better costumes at any of the stores. JESSE- Why is Daria dressed like Quinn? DARIA- It's a long story. (Cut to Amy talking to Mr. O'Neill who is dressed as a cowboy.) AMY- How's Daria and Quinn doing in their studies, Mr. O'Neill? MR. O'NEILL- Daria's doing fine, but Quinn needs to work on her studies a little bit more. How's you lawyer life doing, Mrs. Morgendorffer? AMY- I'm the girl's Aunt Amy. MR. O'NEILL- I've never seen you before here in Lawndale. AMY- I'm just here for a visit. (Ms. Barch enters dressed as Xena: Warrior Princess.) AMY- Is this you wife, Mr. O'Neill? MR. O'NEILL- She works in the school with me. (To Barch.) Can't this wait, Janet? MS. BARCH- DeFoe got her costume caught in the paper shredder. MR. O'NEILL- Can't she turn it off? MS. BARCH- She's almost half- naked now if we don't hurry. MR. O'NEILL- (To Amy.) Can you keep an eye on things until we get back? AMY- Sure. (Mr. O'Neill and Ms. Barch leave.) (Ms. DeFoe enters dressed as the Mona Lisa.) AMY- Who are you? MS. DEFOE- I'm Ms. DeFoe. AMY- I thought you got your costume caught in the paper shredder? MS. DEFOE- What are you talking about? AMY- Never mind. (Cut to O'Neill and Barch kissing in the teacher's lounge.) (Cut to Daria and Jane at the punch bowl.) JANE- What are you thinking about, Daria? DARIA- I thinking of telling Sandi that I'm Quinn's sister. JANE- And Quinn will make your like a living hell. DARIA- What are you talking about, Lane? JANE- If you tell Sandi that your Quinn's sister, she'll kick Quinn out of the Fashion Club, and Quinn will start whining at you for throwing her out of the Fashion Club. DARIA- (Smirks.) Cool. (Upchuck enters dressed as Austin Powers.) UPCHUCK- How are my favorite secret agent girls doing? JANE- Get bent. DARIA- Go to Hell, Upchuck. UPCHUCK- Do you know who I am? JANE- Steve Urkel. UPCHUCK- I'm Austin Power: International Man of Mystery. JANE- I'm Steve Austin, and I'm going to give you a big can of whoop ass if you don't go away! (Upchuck leaves.) DARIA- Good work, Stone Cold. JANE- That's the bottom line, cause Jane Lane said so! (Scene changes two hours later at the Morgendorffer's living room where Helen and Jake are done passing candy to the kids.) HELEN- What a night! JAKE- Are you sure that was the last of them? HELEN- It's almost ten o'clock, and Amy and the girls should be back by now. JAKE- They're suppose to go to the movies after the party. HELEN- I know that, but the movie doesn't start until midnight. (Doorbell rings.) JAKE- Who could that be at this time of night? HELEN- I'll get it. (Helen goes to the door, and opens it to see two certain teens wearing the same costume Helen and Jake are wearing.) BOY 1- Huh-Huh Trick or treat Huh-Huh. BOY 2- Hnngh Give us candy! BOY 1- Cool it, butt-munch! BOY 2- Up yours, ass-wipe! (The two boys are reviled to be no other than those dimwitted idiots, Beavis and Butt-Head.) HELEN- Do I know you two from somewhere? BUTT-HEAD- Uh, no. Huh- Huh. BEAVIS- We used to be the pain in the ass to Dar... (Butt-Head smacks Beavis.) BUTT-HEAD- Shut-up, Beavis! Huh-Huh. HELEN- Do you two want the candy or not? BEAVIS- Give us candy! (Helen gives Beavis and Butt-Head the last of the candy.) BUTT- HEAD- Thanks, lady. HELEN- You're welcome. BEAVIS- Do you want to score, lady? (Helen slams the door in the boys' faces.) BEAVIS AND BUTT-HEAD- Huh-Huh, Huh-Huh, Hnngh Hnngh, Huh-Huh, Hnngh, Huh-Huh... (Scene changes back to the Halloween party at Lawndale High where everyone is about to leave.) DARIA- Thank goodness this party is almost over. AMY- Are you girls ready to go back home, before we go to the movie? JANE- I'm going to stay here for a while and help clean up here. (Quinn enters.) Have any of you seen Sandi? DARIA- Why? QUINN- I haven't seen her throughout this entire party. AMY- Did you try calling her house? QUINN- I haven't thought of that. AMY- It's too late to call the Griffins here, we'll call them back at the house. (Daria spots Andrea eating popcorn.) DARIA- Andrea. ANDREA- What? DARIA- Do you want to go with us to the movies? ANDREA- What movie you're going to? DARIA- "The Rocky Horror Picture Show." ANDREA- Sure. Let me talk to my parents first. DARIA- What happened between you and Kevin? ANDREA- That jerk and his bimbo never showed up here. DARIA- Where did they go? ANDREA- I don't know where those brainless twits went. DARIA- Did you get your magazine back from Ms. Li? ANDREA- Sure. AMY- We better get going if we're going to make it to the movies on time. DARIA- Ok, Aunt Amy. (Scene changes to a pumpkin patch where we see Kevin and Brittany standing there.) BRITTANY- Tell me why we're standing in a pumpkin patch, Kevin? KEVIN- To see the Great Pumpkin, babe. BRITTANY- You made us miss the Halloween party just to see some stupid Great Pumpkin? KEVIN- He's not stupid! Don't worry, he's coming. (We hear some noise coming from the pumpkins.) BRITTANY- What was that? KEVIN- It's him! The Great Pumpkin rising from the pumpkin patch! (We see a shadowy figure rise from the pumpkin patch, only to be reviled to be a very familiar character.) BEAVIS- I am the Great Cornholio! Got TP for my bunghole? BRITTANY- What?! BEAVIS- TP for my bunghole! KEVIN- What are you talking about, man? BEAVIS- Do you have TP for my bunghole? BRITTANY- KEVIN, YOU IDIOT! YOU BROUGHT ME ALL THE WAY HERE TO SEE SOME MORON THINK HE'S SOME GUY NAMED CORNHOLIO WHO WANT TP FOR HIS BUNGHOLE, AND WHAT DO I GET FROM ALL THIS...NOTHING! BEAVIS- TP for my bunghole! BRITTANY- Shut up! KEVIN- But, babe. BRITTANY- Kevin Thompson, I don't ever want to speak to you again as long as I live! (Brittany leaves.) KEVIN- Babe! BEAVIS- I am Cornholio! Got TP for my bunghole? (Kevin throws a pumpkin at Beavis and leaves.) (Cut to commercial.) EPILOGUE: THE DAY AFTER HALLOWEEN. (Scene opens the next day in the Morgendorffer's dining room where the family is eating breakfast.) HELEN- How did the party go? DARIA- Long. QUINN- Boring. AMY- It was dull as a soap opera. HELEN- Do you want to know what happened to me and Jake? DARIA- No. HELEN- Sorry about what happened to Sandi, Quinn. QUINN- How was suppose to know that she was allergic to pumpkins! (Daria smirks.) JAKE- Who won the costume contest? QUINN- (Frowns.) Trent for his Jughead costume. (Daria smirks again.) QUINN- Will you stop smirking, Daria! DARIA- I ain't smirking at you. (Phone rings.) AMY- I'll get it! (Amy gets the phone.) AMY- It's for you, Daria. DARIA- Thanks. (Daria takes the phone. The screen is spit in half showing Daria on the left and Jane on the right.) DARIA- Hello. JANE- Daria, meet me at the Big Strawberry in ten minutes. DARIA- What happened? JANE- You got to see this. DARIA- I'll be right there. (Daria hangs up the phone.) HELEN- What did Jane want? DARIA- Jane wants me to meet her at the Big Strawberry in ten minutes. AMY- I can take you there. DARIA- Thanks, Aunt Amy. (Scene changes ten minutes later at the Big Strawberry where Daria and Amy meet Jane and almost half of Lawndale.) DARIA- What happened? JANE- See for yourself. (We see the Big Strawberry defaced to look like a jack-o-lantern.) MS. DEFOE- Who would dare destroy our great landmark? TED DEWIT- I didn't know we had a landmark. JANE- When I see the person who did this, I'm going to thank him/her for doing this. DARIA- Why? JANE- I'm tired for looking at that boring strawberry. (A female television reporter enters with her cameraman.) REPORTER- Last night in this suburban town, a mysterious vandal defaced our national landmark, turning the Big Strawberry into a giant jack-o-lantern. (The reporter walks up to Daria, Jane, and Amy.) What do you think about what happened? DARIA- I think it's kind of fun. REPORTER- You think it's fun for someone to deface our landmark? JANE- We were getting sick of looking at the lame strawberry everyday. It's about time someone changed it. AMY- It is Halloween after all. REPORTER- Halloween prank or just some idiot stunt to promote an hour long special for the FOX network. We'll never know who did this to our great national landmark. This is Susie Lewis Lynn for Lawndale Action News. Back to you Glen at the studio. (A Scene change ten minutes later at the same spot as everyone is leaving, except for Daria, Jane, and Amy.) AMY- Are you going to tell me the rest of your story, Daria? DARIA- You know what Aunt Amy? AMY- What? DARIA- I don't feel like finishing the story now that Halloween is over and all. AMY- I understand. JANE- Hey look what I found! (Daria and Amy walk up to where Jane is.) DARIA- What is it? JANE- It looks like pumpkin remains with a little blood on it. AMY- Do you think it's the Headless Horseman of Lawndale? DARIA- (Smiles.) Could be. It is Halloween after all. (Scene changes to Beavis and Butt-Head's living room where Butt-Head is watching TV.) BUTT-HEAD- When did Daria get her own show? (Beavis enters still with pumpkin guts over him and carrying a chainsaw.) BUTT-HEAD- Where have you been, ass-wipe? BEAVIS- Doing one of those pranks we do on Halloween. BUTT-HEAD- Hurry up and sit down, it's almost time for "When Animals Kick Ass!" BEAVIS- What's on now? BUTT-HEAD- One of those stupid teen shows, and one of them looks like Daria. BEAVIS- That sucks! Change it! (Butt-Head presses the remote button and all we see is are the closing credits.) THE END.