GOD SAVE THE ESTEEM
Episode 3: Family Devalued
"So zombies really exist," said Daria, stunned.
"Now come on, the car's not that bad," protested Tom.
"I think you need these glasses more than I do."
Tom had been acting smug all day at school, stating he'd got his own car to go
with his learner's license. At the end of the day, Daria and Jane had agreed to
come along and let him show it off to them... only to find the most ancient,
rust-riddled Jaguar imaginable.
"I paid for it myself, saving up with my part-time job." Tom proudly patted the
car, causing it to groan under the pressure. "In later years I can look back at
this baby and be proud."
"And today, you can look back at it to find out which piece has fallen off this
time."
"Daria's right about everything," said Jane. "Your car is likely to explode at
any moment. Can I take a ride in it?"
Daria stared in shock, unable to believe Jane was serious – but she was. Tom
opened the door, laughing at Daria's confusion.
"And now, my friend, you've seen what it was like when we were dating."
"Come on, Daria, join us! You know you want to die, we've got a Math test
tomorrow!"
"I think I'll walk. Though hold on a second..."
She headed back towards the school, where Quinn's gang were mooching around the
teacher's cars, smoking and swearing and listening to music and generally
trying to scare any watching educators.
"Hey, sis. Want to take a ride in a rusted death-trap that may catch fire in
mid-drive?"
"Oh awesome!"
--
Daria arrived home to find obnoxiously loud music blaring out of the top floor
– Quinn had arrived home safe then. And outside...
Outside was the sleek red sports car of her Aunt Amy.
She hurried inside, catching the sound of the cordial-yet-bitchy tones her
mother and aunt were so well practiced in.
"Still trying to find little green men, I take it?"
"I think they're hiding in your hair."
"Oh, I should really change it someday – I like yours, Amy, so... sensible. It
almost doesn't suit you!"
"Hey, some of us can just pull these looks off. Not like some other p- Daria!"
Both adults turned round, big "we get on!" grins on their faces. Her mother had
gone with a pin-adorned bomber jacket with green tight pants to go with her
hair; Amy had trendy specs and a sensible hair style, in complete contrast to
the faded Mars Attacks! T-shirt and mucky sneakers and the digital camera under
her arm.
"Aunt Amy's going to be staying overnight! Isn't that great?"
"Sick Sad World sent me," said Amy, a look of glee on her face. "On Friday
night, I'm doing a live web pay-view show searching for the monstrous
Metalmouth! I've been pushing for this for a long time, it's going to be – oh,
but I'm forgetting."
Amy took out her camera and pointed it at Daria. "This is Amy Barksdale,
reporting live as we ask Daria Patti Morgendorffer: how's school going?"
Daria cleared her throat and put on her best monotone. "Well, Ms Barksdale,
although no one official is prepared to comment, off-the-record sources are
calling it 'sucky'. A state than can only be described as apathy in the USA
reigns at Lawndale High. Though no names can be named, a quarterback was heard
suggesting the Vietnam War took place between America and Mexico."
"Can you confirm if the CDC has made any rulings on the cafeteria food?"
"The surviving agent was heard to remark that he was going to be violently and
copiously sick."
"Has this young lady been driven to monotone by the pressures of school life,
or is Lawndale High replacing its students with androids?! Alienation of
the Body Snatchers when Sick Sad World returns!" Amy turned the camera towards
the stairs as Quinn came down to the kitchen. "And now, breaking news: is
Maryland about to succumb to a wave of juvenile delinquency?!"
"I swear, I wasn't anywhere near Cafe Lawndale at the time and I've got
an alibi-" Quinn blinked, realising this wasn't a TV reporter. "Oh, hey Aunt
Amy."
--
Dinner was the usual mess of eating with mouths full and elbows on table and
bits of food going everywhere, though Helen seemed to be doing it more so in the
hope it'd offend Amy. No such luck.
"So how's Morgendorffer Consulting going, Jake?" asked Amy.
"Awww, no camera?" He sounded disappointed. "I like reporting to the camera..."
"Food stains never clean off. Daria mentioned in her emails that you're helping
a band?"
"Trent..." said Quinn in a dreamy voice.
"Two bands! I got Mystic Spiral and the Harpies, and I'm in talks
with Fetal Metal! Getting a few clients in Dega Street too, that's where all us
cool, counter-culture badasses hang out, living on the edge! Any more
guacamole? Made it myself!"
"Business is doing well, though not quite as well as we'd hoped..." Helen
sighed, then fixed her daughters with a resolute stare. "Girls, you'll remember
we were able to move thanks to Eric Schrecter's law firm..."
"It was very cruel of you to act interested in an affair and then, once you'd
been hired, reveal yourself to be a family woman who wouldn't take calls during
dinner," said Daria. "Between that and turning up to the work with your punk
hair without warning, and anyone would think you were gouging him."
"Well, his firm shouldn't be such capitalist pigs if they don't want to get
ripped off," said Helen pleasantly. "Anyway, that helped us get a house that we
wouldn't otherwise be able to afford, but because we're still building up our
client bases here... well, we're taking on lodgers to cover expenses."
"Shouldn't be too bad," said Quinn, "unless it's someone really lame and
establishment, like cousin Erin or something."
Daria watched her mother's face fall. "When did you get ESP, Quinn?"
"Oh come on, it's not my time of the month."
"Yes, alright, it's going to be Erin and that... fiancé of hers. It's
just temporary until they get married, and it'll be a bit of extra cash.
They're arriving tomorrow, after Amy leaves: I'd have told you girls sooner but
until this morning Rita and Mother were all over the place about whether their precious
snowflake should be allowed near us in case she catches
something."
"I see bitter people," said Amy, "sitting at tables like regular people."
At that point, Jake's phone went off. He frowned and checked the ID... and kept
frowning.
"I'll take it upstairs."
He was gone for a while and there were angry yells from time to time, and when
he came down he had a false smile on his face.
"Amy, Helen, could I talk to you upstairs for a second?"
"What's that about?" Quinn asked as the adults left. "God, I hope it's not the
pigs about Cafe Lawndale..."
When the adults came back down, Amy opened with a bold: "Hey, Daria, how'd you
like to go out into the woods with me on Friday night, looking for a murderous
urban legend and possibly die live on the Internet?"
Daria thought that over.
"Can I bring a friend?"
---
On the way out on Friday, Quinn was corralled by her parents.
"Quinn, Erin's going to be coming into town after school lets out.
It'd be very helpful to us if you met her in town and showed her around."
"And remember, your cousin didn't have the same advantages you and
Daria did: loud music, rocking out, and partying are going to scare her. Bear
that in mind."
"I will," said Quinn, looking utterly angelic and trustworthy.
---
Getting into school meant going through the outside metal
detectors and past the drug-sniffer dogs, under the camera eyes of Li Brother.
This gave Daria and Jane some time to chat.
"After school, I'm going off with my aunt to risk our lives
looking for a mythical serial killer. You want to come with?"
"Oh,
Metalmouth? No way that's true. Waste of your time."
"What is a Metalmouth?"
"Well, the claim is this metalwork teacher had to deal with
students who were so dumb, he ground his teeth in frustration so often they
were worn away to nothing. Driven mad by the attempts to teach class with a
slobbery lisp, he made a set of fanged metal dentures... only to find out, too
late, that they were picking up radio signals. He ran away into the woods... but
then, later, a car with two necking teenagers-"
"Isn't this just the hook-for-a-hand legend but with an elaborate
backstory?"
"Better. Metalmouth's presence is signified by the sound of Girls
Just Want To Have Fun – and it's always that specific song – playing where
no radio is turned on!"
"They replaced the hook-in-the-door with teeth in the door out of
sheer laziness, didn't they?"
"Yeah. Maybe he has to open doors with his mouth. He could've lost
his hands when trying to pick food out of his teeth."
"Well, if you want, Aunt Amy says you can come. You could be on
Sick Sad World."
Jane stiffened, and turned to Daria with growing shock.
"You're related to Awesomely Amy Barksdale?"
"You're in now, aren't you."
"Her book on Mothman was definitive," said Jane, her voice a
hallowed whisper.
Up ahead, the metal detectors screamed in agony as Andrea entered
them. Steve, head security guard, sighed.
"You've got a new piercing, haven't you?" he asked.
"Maybe."
---
To Daria's surprise, Amy turned up at the school. Jane fell into
stunned mutterings at the very sight of her.
"I thought I'd be meeting you at home."
"Why waste time walking home to leave it when you can waste time
sitting in a muddy field instead?" Amy looked over at Jane. "So you're the
famous Jane Lane, eh?"
"mblmblmbl hi"
"So this is Lawndale High, eh?" Amy asked, her eyes taking in the
cameras and metal detectors and motion detectors. "Wow. I'd heard rumours, but
even I thought they couldn't be real. Ever find any serious dirt out here,
Ess-Ess-Doubleyou wants to know!"
"The drug sniffer dogs are quite friendly, at least. Which is
unfortunate, because they're not meant to be friendly around the stoners."
"Happens more than you think – we did an ep on that back in 05.
What was the tagline for that..."
"Man's Best Mate... On The Take?!" Jane spoke up, in an eerie
simulation of the SSW narrator. "Sniffer dogs sniffing out kickbacks: a Sick
Sad World expose, next!"
"Impressive!"
"mblmblmbl thanks"
"Jane liked your Mothman book."
"Oh yeah, that was fun. Random House contracted to do some more –
I can send you two a copy of the chupacabra one in December if you'd like!"
Jane paled, and her reply was so quiet only bats could hear it.
"I apologise for my friend, Aunt Amy. It must be difficult trying
to get a word in edgewise."
--
Erin had been on edge all day, and that was nothing compared to
Brian – he'd only ever heard of Aunt Helen's family, and from Mother and
Grandma. From his tense posture in the car, he appeared to be expecting
to be murdered and his corpse looted. (Erin just expected looting.)
It was far from ideal, but with Brian losing his job with the
government – he complained a lot about Obama's "damage" to the intelligence
community, though Erin suspected he just hadn't been doing well and the new
bosses had noticed – and still studying for his real estate exam, they had
little income. And Mother and Brian's finances had been hit by the recession,
so no help there...
"I'm sure they've mellowed out over time, dear," she said.
"Lawndale's a nice place, after all."
"Sure," he muttered, focusing on the drive and keeping an eye out.
"Where did Helen say Quinn would be meeting us?"
"High Hills Park, near the school – oh look, next turning here..."
They turned and reached the park, and waiting for them was a
boombox screaming the most profane song Erin had ever heard. Quinn was
around it, dancing... horribly to the song in leather and chains, while around
her were ten equally foul hellions looking moody and one fat girl was drinking.
Brian locked the doors.
Quinn caught sight of the car and smiled, dangerously. "HEY COUSIN
ERIN! HAVE WE GOT A TOUR FOR YOU!"
---
Amy's car sped to the outskirts of town, making a mockery of all
speed laws.
"...and this isn't the first time the Sick Sad Multimedia
Empire has focused on Lawndale! The Satanists around High Hills, the House of
Bad Grades, the 'Holidays' turning up for Chinese food... This is one happening
town! Right Jane?"
"mblmblmbl it'sokay"
"Anything
about brain-eating aliens?" asked Daria. "That would explain a lot about our
quarterback."
"You told me about him, nothing explains him."
At the sight of the woods, Amy took the car off road with a
screech of protesting tyres, just coming to a halt before hitting a tree.
"Here's how it works – we set up the motion-activated flashes
around the car, that's our safety precaution – fit the webcams up in those
trees and on that rock and in the window, give us 360 vision, and we set the
broadband up here – laptop stays here... and then we just wait to get
attacked!"
"Run that last part by me again. I think it could be improved."
"mblmblmbl changedmymind"
---
"...and this is one of the best shops in Dega Street, 420 –
the guy grows his own pot in the basement, and we totally get discounts
if we buy more than three items!"
"That's... that's nice of him, Quinn..."
"And this is the tattoo and piercing parlour, come on, Andrea can
show you all the cool places to get pierced!"
---
Jake
wouldn't even sit. He just stood, ramrod straight, not allowing himself any
relief.
"The girls are out, that's the important part," said Helen gently.
"I hate doing this."
"I know, sweetie."
The doorbell rang. Jack moved on automatic, reaching the door and
pulling it open like a robot.
"Hi, Mum. Mad Dog."
---
"Attention, entities of the interweb! This is Awesomely Amy,
coming to you from the Lawndale woods – the sun is setting and we're starting
up the webcams around us! Stay tuned, for Metalmouth could attack at any
moment! Dare YOU go to the bathroom and miss the scene?!"
She disconnected the webcam and smiled. "They'll be peeing in soda
bottles if I know our audience. Everyone into the car, don't want to be too
tempting a target!"
"Should we smoke pot and take our clothes off, or will the serial
killer find us on his own?" asked Daria.
"Well I hope on his own, or I've wasted a night."
The
women got in, Amy immediately checking her laptop to see what the message board
feedback was.
"Ah yep, there's already a poll about whether I'll get eaten. So
how is school going, Daria? Y'know, the bits you don't want to say in front of
the 'rents."
Daria shrugged. "The school's... 'special', like Beavis and
Butt-head. The security is insane, half the teachers are incompetent and the
ones that are competent are being driven to despair, and the bulk of the
students are idiots. Still better than Highland High though. Quinn, of course,
fit in immediately with her inability to fit in."
"Ah, it's up to you to keep things real, eh?" smirked Amy.
"Because I dunno, you've got at least one friend that's not from the internet..."
"mblmblmbl Daria's cool"
"Well, yeah, there's Jane and Tom. That's about it. A few other
kids are pretty smart, but 'Upchuck' is trying to be the second coming of Larry
Flynt, Jodie Landon is repeating far-right talking points with terrified
desperation, the chess club think my voice comes out of my boobs, and Mack...
Actually, Mack seems completely normal with no strange habits or behaviour. We
have nothing in common."
"And you sound very upset about it. Only not, the other thing."
"You have to be comfortable with who you are. I'm antisocial and
just like having a handful of close friends while standing apart from everyone
else. I'm fine with that."
"How about you, Jane?"
"mblmblmbl I dunno"
"Besides, I don't need to be sociable and outgoing. Quinn does
that for us both."
---
"...EVERY night is like this at the Zon, it's AWESOME!" yelled Quinn
over the deafening roar of ferocious music, while taking part in a gigantic
mosh.
The mosh had already sent one of her gang to the corner with a
bloody nose and bruised face, screaming "YEEEAAAHHHHHHH!".
Brian and Erin stood there, surrounded by darkness and unknown
stains, their conservative and lightly-coloured clothes marking them out as Not
Of This World.
"It's, um... a charming place," said Erin nervously.
Then someone vomited on Brian's shoes.
Brian punched them.
"Oh ROCK!" Quinn turned to Andrea and Dave. "Hey guys, there's a
fight!"
"Rule! INTO 'EM!!!"
---
Mad Dog was ancient: a wizened, spitting figure that should have
died long ago but seemed to live thanks to pure hate. He was refusing to sit.
Standing, clad in a severe grey suit, he displayed power and might.
Jake stared him down, every muscle clenched tight.
"I do apologise," he said. "It turns out the girls had other
commitments that they couldn't drop. I'm afraid you've made the journey for
nothing."
"Well isn't that convenient," snarled Mad Dog, spittle flying from
his lips. "You always did have to sneak around-"
"YOU-"
Helen put her arm on Jake's shoulder, silencing him. "You did call
us at the last minute, we couldn't have got the girls to set time aside now
could we? I'm very sorry, Ruth."
Ruth Morgendorffer – a frail, passive lady – sighed. "It really is
a shame. It's been so long since we've seen them. How old is little Daria now?"
"Just turned sixteen, she's doing very well in school. Well, she
always did."
"And what have you done to the other?" asked Mad Dog.
Ruth gasped and jerked her arm, as if she wanted to gesture for
him to be silent and then lost her nerve. "Dear, please-"
"Quinn's
making friends," said Jake, his voice eerily flat. "She's doing us proud."
"That hardly comforts me, boy."
"Helen, didn't you want to get Mum's advice on the guest bedroom?"
"Oh yes! Ruth, I'm no good with conventional decorations, if you
could give me the benefit of your advice..."
The women left. The two men stood, facing each other down.
Mad Dog broke the silence first. "Well? Admit it. You've
deliberately sent your daughters away because you knew we were coming."
"No. Because I knew you were coming."
---
Daria's belch filled the car, unstoppable in its clamour.
"Okay, okay, you win!" said Amy.
"You don't live with my family without picking up a trick or two."
Without warning, a tremendous, thundering roar of a burp struck
everyone down, emitting from deep within Jane.
Amy and Daria stared at her in shock, and she blushed.
"I hung out with my brother's band a few times..."
"So this is what Sick Sad World's field reporters do when they're
waiting, is it?"
"Not always. Some of the guys see who can fart out the national
anthem. I think we did an episode about it once."
"In that case, if Metalmouth does show up, we can threaten him
with the knowledge that" girls just wanna have fu-un "...oh no."
---
"They're my granddaughters, my flesh and blood – and the only hope
I have of you producing anything right. And you're wrecking
them." Mad Dog always looked angry but there was also horror in his eyes.
"You've turned your youngest into a spitting-image of your own id's and your
eldest, well..."
"You didn't come here out of the blue, did you?"
"Tt. Mrs Barksdale called me – she has the same views and she was very
worried about what she'd been hearing recently. We agreed I should come. I
wanted to see if they could be turned around."
Jake was silent for a while, and then he said: "Do you remember why we stopped
letting you visit?"
"Because I said the things you didn't want to hear about
how you were raising those girls! Edie Barksdale too, you just can't-"
"You made Daria upset." Jake leaned forwards, and there was
something burning in his eyes. "She always a very quiet girl so it wasn't
immediately obvious, but she sure seemed quieter after you or Edie visited. And
then this one time, we'd been called into school because she was having
problems and after we talked to her afterwards, she admitted you'd been saying
things to her."
Mad Dog didn't flinch. "I told her she needed to behave properly.
Skulking around, refusing to talk to people, read rather than look at you-"
"She likes reading. She likes quiet. As for why she skulked and
didn't want to talk, it's because you told her 'to behave properly' – half the
time she talked to you or Edie, she felt ashamed. Like she was wrong
in some way. Just for being quiet. She once admitted she thought we felt that
way."
Jake grabbed a nearby beer bottle and threw it against the wall in
one sudden, fluid motion. He didn't look at the impact.
"You're not getting to see Daria. You're not getting to see Quinn.
You're not getting to tell another child that they're worthless and wrong, you
understand? I wish they could see their grandmother, I truly do, but she won't
come without you and they are never going to see you again, do
you hear me, they won't even BE AT YOUR FUNERAL!!"
And the old man shrank back, wondering who this stranger was in
front of him.
"I think we're done here, Mad Dog. Don't you?"
---
Sudden terror shot through Daria as she realised what she was
actually facing.
"Jane, I-"
Every flash went off at once, turning night into day. As the girls
shrank from the light, Amy jumped out of the car with a taser in hand and
pointed it grimly at... nothing.
"Huh. That can't have just been a false oh my god look at
this!"
Slowly,
the girls crept out of the car.
Embedded in the front door was a pair of fanged steel dentures.
"Oh cool," said Jane.
---
It had gone midnight by the time Erin and Brian reached the
Morgendorffer house. Quinn was giggling over something and Brian was a little
battered from the fight (though he had won, so it wasn't all bad), and Erin had
a fixed grin on her face.
"Well, here we are! We'll be quiet, Aunt Helen and Uncle Jake are
probably asleep-"
The front door opened, Jake staggered out, and yelled "IN YOUR
FACE OLD MAN BLEEEEEUUUUURRRRGGGGHHH"
Helen drunkenly patted him as he spewed. "That's right, Snakey,
you just get it aaaaaaaall out..."
Erin paused, then turned back to Brian. "You haven't met Daria
yet! Daria's very normal, honest, she's absolutely-"
Aunt Amy's car pulled up, and Daria, Amy, and some other girl
emerged singing the Imperial March. Daria had an inflatable UFO on a stick
attached to her head.
"Hey, job's over, mind if me and Janey here crash?" called out
Amy. "I'll let you touch the serial killer's severed teeth!"
"Sure thing!" called Jake happily, before vomiting again.
Daria waved out Erin. "Hi, cousin Erin. Want a UFO? Amy's got some
spares in the trunk."
She didn't even bother replying, just stood there with a defeated
expression.
"Oh, you must be Brian. Welcome to the family, Brian. Abandon hope
all ye who enter."
END
AUTHOR'S NOTES: This version of Amy comes from Brian
Taylor's Moving Pictures fanfic, which is being used as background – a teenaged
Amy in the 1980s being into sci-fi and interacting with the world from behind a
video camera, the last present from her father before his death. A Fortean reporter was the
inevitable result...
Jodie's
political status was an idea thrown out by The Angst Guy and you'll see her
veeeery soon...