TITLE: "Greenpieces" AUTHOR: Kathrine Ritchie EMAIL: mln81@yahoo.com DISCLAIMER: These characters aren't mine. NOTES: Thanks to Elizabeth and Shane. TITLES/ OPENING THEME EXT. LAWNDALE HIGH. [There is a banner across the door which reads "FOCUS ON ENVIRONMENT WEEK". There is a news van in the parking lot.] INT. A CLASSROOM OVERLOOKING GRASS. AFTER SCHOOL, MAYBE 4PM [The FASHION CLUB have the room to themselves. They are sitting around on chairs, STACY has a copy of "Waif" magazine. TIFFANY has a sheet of paper. QUINN is applying nail polish. SANDI is doodling.] STACY: It says here you can recycle plastics. QUINN: Are rubber shoe soles plasticy? [STACY scans the page.] STACY: Yes, I *think* so. QUINN: So buying new shoes helps the environment! [TIFFANY adds this initiative to the list they evidently were "brainstorming" for - there isn't much on the list.] TIFFANY: You're so smart Quinn. SANDI: So our shoes are *recycled*? STACY: What if they used to be really cheap tacky sneakers?! [The FASHION CLUB screams.] EXT. A GRASSY AREA IN THE SCHOOL GROUNDS. [A CAMERA CREW are setting up on the field. This is evidently the reason the FASHION CLUB are still in school at 4pm. Most students,including DARIA, JANE, BRITTANY and JODIE are planting trees around the banking. MS BARCH is "supervising" boys including KEVIN, UPCHUCK, MACK and the 3J's, who are doing jobs she considers them worthy of: picking litter off the floor and out of a yucky-looking pond. MR DEMARTINO is crushing cans. The FASHION CLUB is nowhere to be seen.] DARIA: I give these trees 24 hours. JANE: That's optimistic. JODIE: Guys..... DARIA: You honestly think that these trees aren't going to be flattened tonight? JODIE: With Ms *Li's* security arrangements?! JANE: Or some jock's gonna vom in the freshly unpolluted pond after one too many at the next post-victory bash. BRITTANY: [Jumping up in cheerleader mode.] Victoryyyyyy! [DARIA, JANE and JODIE turn away from her.] JODIE: All I'm saying is that it's good of Ms Li to think of the environment. DARIA: With absolutely *no* ulterior motive? JANE: With absolutely *no* pictures in the paper? JODIE: Sometimes the end justifies the means. DARIA: Not if you're attempting to build the world's highest pile of brutally murdered kittens. JODIE: [Sighs] Daria..... [MS LI, dressed in full eco-warrior gear, exits the school and walks on matting across the grass. A MAKEUP LADY wipes a bit of mud-coloured make up on MS LI's cheek. The FASHION CLUB dash out of the school, run across the matting and stand posing behind MS LI who is about to give a short soundbite to the news crew.] MS LI: [Into the crew's camera] It is the first day of our "Focus on environment week", devised by myself. I believe it is *so* important to protect our planet, and I try to instill the same beliefs into the minds of the adults of the future. Under *my* close, careful, instruction and supervision, I... er *they* can make a difference, and in the process get the recognition I... er, the *school* deserves. As a skilled and successful educator of many years.... ANCHOR WOMAN: [Interupting, sincerely, to camera] Ms Angela Li, principal of Lawndale high, showing the depth of her concern for our planet. [MS LI, smiling, practically *throws* they sapling into the ground. Wipes her hands on the overalls and goes back inside. Closely followed by the FASHION CLUB. The second the door closes, the heavens open. It is absolutely *bouncing* it down.] DARIA: [Looking upward] Yeah, thanks for letting us know who's side *you're* on. INT. QUINN'S ROOM. 1 HOUR LATER. [Water is dripping down onto a mountain of stuffed animals in the corner of the room, probably gifts from the 3J's et al. There is a big wet mark on the ceiling.] EXT. GRASSED AREA. SAME TIME. [It is still bucketing it down, everyone still there is still working hard.] BRITTANY: It doesn't actually matter about the rain. When we're done there'll be a new house for the fluffy little bunnies. DARIA: 'Cause trees are an *ideal* habitat for rabbits. BRITTANY: Yeah! And the trees aren't tall yet so they won't have far to climb. [DARIA raises her shovel slightly. JANE grabs her arm.] JANE: You'd *never* get away with it. Too many witnesses. JODIE: I think the bunnies would be happier elsewhere. DARIA: I know how they feel. INT. THE MORGENDORFFER'S KITCHEN. DINNER TIME. [The FASHION CLUB are in the kitchen, emptying cans of pop down the sink.] QUINN: Isn't this ["QUINN-laugh"] a waste? SANDI: It's only *regular* soda. QUINN: But still, some people, and I'm not implying any of them are *present*, might actually *like* regular soda. SANDI: The more people drank diet soda the better this world would be. [QUINN considers this.] QUINN: [Enthusiastically] You're *right* Sandi! SANDI: I'm *always* right, Quinn. [Meanwhile, upstairs, a crack is appearing across the ceiling in Quinn's room.] INT. THE LANE'S LOUNGE. SAME TIME. [DARIA and JANE are flopped on the sofa eating junk food infront of the TV.] JANE: Helping the environment is a *good* thing. DARIA: And by it we helped Ms Li. JANE: Which kinda negates the "not evil" part, don't it? DARIA: And what's sad it that it's all going to be destroyed by *her* when to be in the good graces of the superintendant, relies on us having more parking spaces. JANE: So you *care*?! DARIA: What do you think I am? Look, we're all going to Hell anyway. But until then, if you wouldn't mind I would like to breathe. It just depresses me... [JANE sniggers.] DARIA: ... It just depresses me *further* to see people like Ms Li win all the time. JANE: So what're you gonna do? DARIA: I don't think there's anything we *can* do. JANE: Unless those saplings were stolen. DARIA: Which they weren't, that's where the money for the new science equipment went. JANE: So that's us done. [TRENT storms in and slams the door.] JANE: Had a nice day? TRENT: They, uh, didn't *appreciate* my unique sense of scheduling. [TRENT throws himself down in a chair.] JANE: Is that like voluntary simplicity? TRENT: OK, so I was a few hours late. It was the *last day* for God's sake! You'd think they'd cut me some slack. JANE: It was a community service placement. The slack has been cut. DARIA: I don't think orange is really your colour. TRENT: At least they didn't fire me. They already didn't *pay* me. What am I gonna do for cash? JANE: Rob a bank? ..... Oh, sorry. You already tried that. TRENT: I did *not*! Look, could you lend me some, just to tide me over? JANE: I don't have an income. My paintings only go for cheap Christmas gifts. They decorate closets, attics and basements throughout North America. INT. THE MORGENDORFFER'S KITCHEN. LATER [The FASHION CLUB are testing whether the now-empty cans are aluminium using the fridge door. The fridge is full-to-bursting with goodies. They are eyeing them hungrily. JAKE walks in.] JAKE: Hi girls. That's a whole lot of cans. QUINN: We're helping the environment, Daddy. JAKE: So, how long did it take to collect all these? SANDI: We didn't *collect* them. We aren't going to handle *garbage*. STACY: We got them at the store. JAKE: [Hopefully.] A wholesaler? SANDI: Ugh! No! The food court at Cashmans, we had them *delivered*. QUINN: We used mom's credit card. She said you'd pay her back. [JAKE closes his eyes, he doesn't have the energy to shout. He walks away. TIFFANY tests another can and throws it in the "Steel" box on the floor.] TIFFANY: A whole lot of these seem to *not* be aluminium. INT. QUINN'S BEDROOM. SAME TIME. [A big crack appears across the ceiling. The ceiling creaks and crashes down in a heap of dust and rain water. A few seconds later the FASHION CLUB enter.] [QUINN screams.] [JAKE and HELEN arrive.] [JAKE screams.] HELEN: Calm down Jake. TIFFANY: Bogus. QUINN: My room! [SANDI is struggling not to smile. DARIA's door is ajar, STACY is curious (or just nosy) and pushes it open further. STACY screams, everyone looks at her.] INT. THE LANE'S LOUNGE. SHORTLY LATER. [TRENT is still pretty morose. No one is talking. JANE is drawing, DARIA and TRENT are writing. The tv is on.] SSW ANNOUNCER: Is there anything spooky about the frequency of new releases by dead artists? Decomposing, next on Sick Sad World. [TRENT throws down his notebook.] TRENT: They can hit number one from beyond the grave... JANE: To the delight of their family and friends... kerrrrching! TRENT: ....and I can't even write a decent chorus. JANE: Now, or at all? [TRENT scowls at her.] JANE: Sorry. [The phone rings. JANE picks it up.] JANE: Flufficuffs insane asylum. Your psychos are our business. HELEN: [Over the phone] May I speak to Daria? JANE: [Passes the phone.] Daria. [DARIA grabs the phone.] DARIA: Mmm? HELEN: There's a bit of an emergency over here, Quinn's ceiling has collapsed. DARIA: Was she under it? HELEN: Daria.... DARIA: So, you called, why? HELEN: We're putting Quinn in your room. DARIA: No you're not. HELEN: So we want you to stay at Joanne's house. DARIA: That's a stranger. She wouldn't let me in. Might you mean Jane? HELEN: That's what I said. Jane. DARIA: It's school night. HELEN: Nice try. I'll have to use that one when Mystik Corn or whatever those slackers are called have a weekday concert. DARIA: Can't *Quinn* stay somewhere else? HELEN: *I* decide who sleeps where, Daria. DARIA: So Jane has no say in this? HELEN: Of course she does, don't be difficult. DARIA: Then I would have to hold a short conference with the one you call Joan. I'll call back. HELEN: Daria, you are *not* going to come and bug Quinn over this. DARIA: 'Bye. [DARIA hangs up.] JANE: My name was mentioned. I hope that wasn't a covertly-operating government agent. DARIA: *You* answered the phone. JANE: You never know. You should've asked her what she sang you when you were a baby. DARIA: She's have only gotten nostalgic. JANE: So, what did she say? DARIA: Quinn's ceiling has collapsed. JANE: Ooooh, goodie! DARIA: In direct contravention to my mother's wishes, I'm going on over there. JANE: So, who's she going to sue? The previous owners? DARIA: This is probably due to my father's procrastination when confronted with household repairs. JANE: And she can't sue *him*. DARIA: Don't put money on it. JANE: Can I come? DARIA: Yeah, you can help my move Quinn's objects out of my room. JANE: Trent. Car. Now. INT. THE MORGENDORFFER'S LOUNGE. 15 MINS LATER. [DARIA, JANE and TRENT enter through the front door. HELEN is sitting on the sofa holding the phone.] HELEN: [Into the phone.] ... well I don't see him. Hold. [HELEN puts the phone down on it's side.] HELEN: [To DARIA.] I told you to sleep at that girl's house! Daria, I have enough to contend with with your sister's hysterics and your father's impending breakdown without *comments* from you. [HELEN sees TRENT.] HELEN: Oh, are you the builder? [TRENT opens his mouth to explain. But before he can... ] DARIA: Yes. HELEN: At last! Well, what's your name? TRENT: Arthur Dent. [DARIA and JANE smile at the reference.] HELEN: Why does that sound familiar? Why do you *look* familiar? TRENT: I was a child star in the eighties. [DARIA and JANE are struggling to keep their faces straight.] HELEN: And now you're a *handy man*? I think there's something I can *do* about that... TRENT: Uh, I like to *survey* the... uh, damage and come back with my band.... of *workers*. HELEN: How much is this likely to *cost*? TRENT: I would have to work it out, taking into consideration all the price, equipment and time factors.... [HELEN narrows her eyes.] TRENT: Pretty much negotiable. HELEN: Good. The rooms the one... with the rubble. [DARIA, JANE and TRENT go upstairs. QUINN and the FASHION CLUB are moving QUINN's stuff into DARIA's room with the help of JAKE who is carrying everything heavier than a CD. DARIA looks in. Already there is lots of *pink*.] DARIA: [Quite loud.] Aaaaargh! JANE: I know what you mean. [DARIA, JANE and TRENT enter QUINN's room.] DARIA: Abandon hope all ye who enter. JANE: [Looking at the not-insignificant pile of plaster on top of the toys.] Trent, how're you gonna do this? TRENT: Janey, this was *your* idea, I thought *you'd* know! JANE: Go get your *tools* Trent. Come back tomorrow, we'll think of something. DARIA: We, meaning *me*? JANE: Who else? INT. DARIA'S ROOM. SAME TIME. [The FASHION CLUB are snooping around the room, while at the same time, trying not to *touch* anything.] STACY: Padded walls?! QUINN: Daria *needs* them I guess. SANDI: I heard *insanity* runs in *families*. QUINN: We're *barely* even *related*. STACY: How are you going to *sleep* in here? TIFFANY: You're *so brave* Quinn. QUINN: I don't see why I couldn't have slept at *your* house Sandi. SANDI: [Blunt] My mom hates yours and she thinks you're a brat. QUINN: Your mom's just jealous, and I'm not *spoiled*. SANDI: If you were, you wouldn't *still* be wearing *that*. [QUINN narrows her eyes. SANDI glares back. TIFFANY looks like she's looking forward to a fight and STACY is cowering slightly.] INT. DARIA'S ROOM. LATE NIGHT/ EARLY MORNING. [Evidently HELEN didn't give in, QUINN is in her bed in DARIA's room. DARIA's bed is empty.] QUINN: [Mumbling in her sleep.] I don't *want* to be twins Stacy! ....yeah, that's cute. ...ugh, polyester! ...go *away* Upchuck! ....oh my God, I'm *unpopular*! ...It can't be true, I can't be...*Daria*! [QUINN screams. And sits up. She looks around the room and screams again.] QUINN: It's *true*! [QUINN rushes to the door and struggles to pull it open.] QUINN: Let me out! INT. LAWNDALE HIGH AUDITORIUM. SOME TIME LATER. [MS LI is on the platform, other members of staff are seated behind her. DARIA and JANE are three rows from the front. Quinn is there, she looks tired out.] MS LI: As our environment week got off to such a successful start... JANE: And the story has been in the paper... MS LI: I have decided that the most productive way of continuing... DARIA: Is to find the least conspicuous way of cancelling. MS LI: We will be using only the students who don't have sports or after school commitments... JANE: We don't want Jocks *catching anything* other than balls. MS LI: So anyone who hasn't got any such commitments... DARIA: Anyone who isn't on a team. MS LI: Please report here at lunchtime. JANE: Umm, no. DARIA: I don't think we have a choice. MS LI: Or face exclusion. DARIA: Told ya. EXT. THE LANE'S BACKYARD. EARLY AFTERNOON. [JANE'S backyard is, well, kinda like mine. Think jungle. There is a heap of boxes full of recyclable materials. JANE is playing happily at fixing various items together with a glue gun.] DARIA: This is supposed to be at the recycling centre. JANE: I *am* recycling. DARIA: Would you stop sculpting our junk?! JANE: Are you worried about missing out on the extra credit? DARIA: If Ms Li had mentioned "Credit" this morning she'd have had to beat Quinn and her buddies off with a stick. JANE: Just beating them with *anything* would suit me. [JANE holds up a large metally looking thing.] DARIA: No. If I couldn't bludgeon Brittany, you can't bludgeon my kid sister. JANE: Never mind. DARIA: Where's Trent? JANE: Missing him? [DARIA scowls and goes a bit pink.] JANE: OK, sorry. They're probably still working their socks off. INT. QUINN'S ROOM. SAME TIME. [The ceiling is mid-way to completion, but kinda half-assed, *I* wouldn't stand under it. TRENT and his mates are leaning out of the window smoking.] TRENT: You wanna take a break? I said I'd pick up the girls. JESSE: Yeah. [MYSTIK SPIRAL leave.] EXT. THE LANE'S YARD. SAME TIME. DARIA: Yeah right. INT. QUINN'S ROOM. EARLY EVENING. [The ceiling is finished ie it *looks* OK, and MYSTIK SPIRAL and JAKE are moving QUINN'S stuff back in.] HELEN: Boys, you did a good job. Well worth the money. [DARIA and JANE smirk and walk away.] INT. THE MORGENDORFFER'S KITCHEN. SAME TIME JANE: [Reaching for the fridge door.] If I'm right.... [JANE opens the door, the fridge is mostly empty, apart from loads of spilled stuff and crumbs.] JANE: Ah, just like being at home. DARIA: We can't pin this on any of Quinn's little buddies, they don't eat. [JANE sees the recycling boxes, they are full of packaging from the fridge.] JANE: At least they're environmentally sound along with their gluttony. INT. THE MORGENDORFFER'S LOUNGE. 5 MINS LATER. [DARIA and JANE are sitting on the sofa, the recycling boxes are on the floor near them. HELEN, JAKE and MYSTIK SPIRAL come down the stairs, the band go out of the door, moments later, the Tank screeches away.] HELEN: What nice, if unnattractive, young men. [JAKE sees the boxes.] JAKE: Well done, girls! How did you collect so much? JANE: Um, well... y'know, some people really care about the planet. DARIA: [Quietly] And their stomachs. JAKE: Well, I'm hungry, what do you want to eat, kiddo? JANE: [To DARIA.] D'you wanna, or shall I? DARIA: Uh, I think Jane and I will go for pizza. JAKE: OK, kiddo. [JAKE reaches into his wallet.] JAKE: Here, dinner's on me! [JAKE hands her money.] EXT. THE MORGENDORFFER'S ROAD. SOON AFTER. [DARIA and JANE, carrying the boxes, reach the Tank, which was waiting on the corner. They get in and as they start to close the door...] JAKE: [Absolutely primal.] Aaaaaaaaaaa [The scream is cut off my DARIA pulling the door shut.] TRENT: Hey, Daria. DARIA: Hi Trent. [She smiles, the Tank pulls away.] CREDITS