[Episode #3 of "Lost Season #2".] Summary: A "When Jake Met Helen" story, with a Fourth of July backdrop. First off, let me say that I love the TV show just the way it is, and have tried to be as true as possible to it here, keeping the general style and plotline in the direction the show's writers seem to have their minds set on. You won't find the start of any outrageous story arcs, new major characters or departures in style from the "Daria" we all know and love. (Okay, *this* time you definitely will. But it's a flashback story. C'mon.) Couple of disclaimers for this'n: First, please forgive my no-doubt liberal use of Sixties clich‚s here. I have no idea what it was really like, I wasn't there. The details in this script came from e-mail interviews with people who were (or *claimed* to have been), some research, and, when I got desperate, popular culture. Second, this story features a number of drug references. If you're offended by such things, reader discretion is advised. "If you can remember the Sixties, then you weren't there." -- Anonymous (...la-la LA la la...) Daria in "Fireworks" Written by C.E. Forman (ceforman@worldnet.att.net) BEGIN ACT 1. EXT.: MORGENDORFFER RESIDENCE, EVENING... (...but it might as well be midnight with the dark clouds and pitch-black sky. A torrential downpour send sheets of rain cascading onto Lawndale. There's a light on in the Morgendorffer living room, and a silhouette of Daria peeks out as Trent's car pulls up into the driveway.) CUT TO: INT.: MORGENDORFFER RESIDENCE, FRONT DOOR. (Daria opens the door for a soggy Jane and Trent.) JANE: (Squeezes water out of her hair.) Yo. TRENT: Hey, Daria. JAKE: (Atop the staircase.) That your friends, kiddo? (The lights flicker in a lightning flash as he comes down the stairs.) DARIA: (Silently invites the two in.) That, or some really dedicated census takers. JAKE: Great! (Heads toward the kitchen.) Lemme just get the cooler, some extra blankets, and we'll be on our way! (Daria takes Jane's dripping jacket, motions the two upstairs.) CUT TO: INT.: KITCHEN. (Helen's at the table with her usual spread of paperwork, but in casual clothing. She's struggling with the two phones.) JAKE: (All smiles.) Hi, honey! (He takes a small cooler and a plastic snack bag from the counter. Once these are out of the way, we can clearly see the calendar, turned to July 4.) HELEN: *Dammit*, the cellular service is down and I can't reach Eric at the office, at home, *or* at his brother's unlisted number! JAKE: (Holds up the plastic bag, hopeful, trying to erase the damper Helen's put on his mood.) Er... I've got dried banana chips! CUT TO: EXT.: MORGENDORFFER RESIDENCE. (Facing the street, where Joey/Jeffy/Jamie's car hums in neutral, curbside. Quinn waits in the car, only coming out when the three boys pull a sheet of tarpaulin from the trunk and hold it over her so she won't get wet.) CUT TO: INT.: FRONT DOOR. (Daria's on her way back downstairs, followed by Jane and Trent, who are drying themselves off with bathroom towels Daria's thoughtfully provided. For once, Jane's without her trusty red jacket. The front door opens. Joey uses one hand to hold up his end of the tarp, and the other to get the door for Quinn, who's nice and dry. The three J's are soaked from head to toe.) QUINN: (Sprightly.) Thanks, guys! (And she shuts the door in their faces, not even inviting them in.) JOEY'S VOICE: (Muffled by the door.) Sure thing, Quinn! JEFFY'S VOICE: Call us anytime! JAMIE'S VOICE: In any weather! (Daria's about to comment when an energetic Jake bounds in.) JAKE: (Childlike excitement.) C'mon, gang! Let's get a move on, or we'll miss when they pass out the sparklers! HELEN'S VOICE: (From kitchen.) Jake, have you taken one look outside? This isn't going to let up anytime soon. JAKE: (Obeys Helen, looks through the living room's plate-glass window. Crushed.) Aww, *no!* They *can't* cancel the fireworks! JANE: We can always watch the lightning, it's just as cool. DARIA: Plus you don't have to worry about any duds exploding three days after. JANE: Yeah, and taking a hand with it, maybe part of an arm... JAKE: You girls don't understand! Watching the fireworks every year is a special event, it reminds me of the one really important thing in my life! JANE: (To Daria.) That rubber plant in your kitchen? JAKE: *No!* (To Daria and Quinn.) Your mother! And the day I proposed. HELEN'S VOICE: Oh, Jake, you still *remember!* (She comes in from the kitchen, still with her work, puts arms around her hubby.) JAKE: Aww, of *course* I do, honey! (Daria and Quinn don embarrassed looks. Jane smirks, Jake and Helen are *cute* when they're like this.) DARIA: (Joking.) Don't take it too hard, Dad. Maybe they have coverage of a drier city on TV. JAKE: (Takes her seriously.) Hey, great idea! (Sits, picks up the remote, flips channels, finds one broadcasting a fireworks display.) Awright, here we go! Gather 'round, everybody! (Offers bag to Trent.) Wanna banana-chip, big guy? TRENT: (Takes the bag, skeptical.) Um... sure. (Tries one, pauses, takes another.) (The rest of the family joins Jake, Helen beside him, Jane between Daria and Trent on the other sofa, Quinn in the chair. They watch a few starbursts erupt in the onscreen sky.) DARIA: (Deadpan.) Oooohhh. Aaaahhh. JANE: Is it just me, or is this kind of pathetic? JAKE: (Fiddles with the remote.) Here, lemme put on the surround so we get the full effect! (A sudden, blinding lightning flash floods the room, then everything goes black. A split-second later, it's accompanied by the detonation of a particularly sharp thunderclap.) DARIA'S VOICE: (Deadpan.) You're right, dad, digital sound makes all the difference. JAKE'S VOICE: Aww, *hell!* (We hear footsteps, Jake getting off the couch. Except during occasional lightning flashes when we catch glimpses of the characters, everything is dark.) HELEN'S VOICE: (Irritation.) *Dammit*, if only I could get through to Eric! We *warned* the city about these unannounced Y2K tests on the power grid... DARIA'S VOICE: I think it's the storm, Mom. QUINN'S VOICE: (Brusque.) *Hey!* Watch it! TRENT'S VOICE: Oh. Sorry. HELEN'S VOICE: Jakey, where are you? I can't see a thing! JAKE'S VOICE: Just a sec, honey! JANE'S VOICE: "Jakey"? DARIA'S VOICE: That's it, keep talking. It'll help me find your neck. (A flashlight beam swings into view, Jake holding the other end. He sets something down on the coffee table.) JAKE: (Hands Quinn the flashlight.) Here, sweetie, hold this for me. DARIA: (As Quinn takes it.) Now go stand outside and draw the lightning. (Quinn makes a sour face at Daria. Jake fumbles with a matchbook, strikes one, and lights the dining-room candle he brought in. The flame-light dances on the characters' faces as Jake takes the flashlight back from Quinn and switches it off.) JAKE: There, that's better, isn't it? HELEN: (Tries to read her legal briefs by the candlelight.) How did they ever *manage* in the days before electricity? (Finally gives up, puts work aside.) Well, I guess this gives us a chance to spend some quality family-and-friends time. JAKE: Hey, great idea, honey! DARIA: Or we could just go stick our hands down the garbage disposal. HELEN: (Appalled.) Daria! DARIA: Oh, right. Power's out. HELEN: (Sighs.) Is she *always* like this, Jane? JANE: (Plays along.) Actually, I've never seen this side of Daria before. TRENT: (Him too.) We are shocked and appalled, Mrs M. (Leans over, whispers.) Good one, Daria. JAKE: This'll be great! Just sit around and talk, like when we first met! (Hint of regret.) Back before we turned into middle-aged mortgage- paying nine-to-fivers... QUINN: (Distaste.) You mean with all your *hippie* friends? Wile E. Coyote, or whatever? HELEN: (Corrects.) That's *Willow* and Coyote. TRENT: Always partial to Foghorn Leghorn, myself... (He offers the banana- chips to Jane, she shakes her head, no thanks.) JAKE: (Flashbacking with Helen.) Remember Keenak, always got his *kicks* from public nudity? HELEN: (Chuckles.) And Serenity, how she was always so high-strung... JAKE: (Eager, face lit up.) And crazy old Mook! Remember *Mook?* QUINN: *Mook?!* HELEN: And Sebastian... God, I haven't even thought about *him* in *years!* JAKE: See, kids? We have *lots* of stories and friends we've never even *told* you girls about! DARIA: And we're perfectly happy with that. JANE: Aww, c'mon, *I* for one would *love* to hear how the heck you two got together! JAKE: (Delighted to be the center of attention.) Oh, well, *there's* a story for ya, Jane-O...! DARIA: (To an eager Jane.) You just *had* to get him started, didn't you? JAKE: Let's see, it would've been about 1968... (MUSIC: "The Times They Are A-Changin'", the Simon and Garfunkel cover.) SWIRLING FLASHBACK-DISSOLVE TO: EXT.: MIDDLETON COLLEGE CAMPUS, SEPTEMBER 1968. (We see a 17-, almost 18-year-old Jake Morgendorffer in his military-school uniform and cap, carrying a single suitcase, striding confidently across the quad.) JAKE: (VO, narrates.) I'd just graduated from Buxton Ridge Military Academy... (The smile on young Jake's face slowly drops into an angry scowl as old Jake talks.) ...Ten *years* of hell on earth that left me a broken *shell* of my former self, my BLIGHTED SOUL *DOOMED* TO-- HELEN: (VO.) Honey... JAKE: (VO, composes himself, young Jake brightens too.) But that was all past, I was a *college* man now! It was my first day on campus, I'd just gotten my schedule and had about an hour until my first class. So I thought I'd check out my new home... *Had* to be better than the old one, I figured! JANE: (VO.) You optimist, you. (MUSIC: Donovan's "Catch the Wind".) (Young Jake approaches the entrance to the dormitory building seen in "College Bored". A group of six hippie students is milling around. Among them we recognize a young Coyote and Willow, and, talking with them, a young Helen. She's dressed in the same hippie garments we've seen in flashbacks -- shorts, the long-sleeved billowy top, sandals, headband, her hair long in back with a single braid down each side of her head. Slow zoom-in on her as Jake talks.) JAKE: And I rounded the corner... and standing *right there*... was your mother. DARIA: (VO, deadpan.) Cue the romantic music. SWIRLING DISSOLVE BACK TO PRESENT. JAKE: (Smiles, gets a wistful look in his eyes.) God she was beautiful! She had a face like an angel's... (Daria and Quinn exchange looks of "oh, *God*".) JAKE: ...her chestnut hair was like... um... (Can't come up with the words.) TRENT: Sunshine on a golden wheatfield in a summer dawn? JAKE: (Delighted.) Yeah! (Daria and Jane look at one another, both raising their eyebrows in surprise.) TRENT: (Notices.) What? JAKE: (Continues.) Now you've gotta realize, growing up in military school didn't give me a whole lot of opportunity to interact with the opposite sex. Oh sure, they had a couple of discotheques in town, and there was the annual Military Ball, but it was *impossible* to have any fun *there*... the stiff, uptight atmosphere.. the watchful eyes of armed, uniformed chaperones... the big hulking *lummox* who *STOLE* YOUR DATE RIGHT OUT FROM-- QUINN: Daddy!... JAKE: Oh. Right. The point is, I hadn't really had a whole lot of experience at this kind of thing. All I knew was I just *had* to go up and talk to this girl! (Gets the wistful look again.) And your mother saw me coming... and she turned... looked me straight in the eyes... and said... (CUT BACK TO MIDDLETON, SEPTEMBER 1968, CLOSE-UP OF YOUNG HELEN.) HELEN: (Yells at Jake.) *Fascist!!* (Jake stops in his tracks. Helen's companions join her in taunting him.) COYOTE: (Dressed like in "That Was Then" -- vest, no shirt, jeans, headband.) Whatcha gonna do now? You gonna hit her, man? WILLOW: (Long flowing skirt and long-sleeved top.) Got your *gun*, soldier- boy? Maybe just shoot us all right now! (Jake's quickly surrounded. One of the female hippies spits on him. Coyote and male hippie with a thick beard grab Jake by the collar. He squirms, but the two hold him tight. Another girl, blonde, grabs off his hat, revealing his military crew-cut. The suitcase is knocked from his hand.) HELEN: (Looks frightened, this is getting out of control *fast*. Tugs at the bearded hippie's arm.) Hey, cool it, guys! Mellow out, okay? (But she's too late. Pretty soon, they're all shouting insults at Jake.) FEMALE HIPPIE: How many babies ya kill today, tough guy? OTHER FEMALE HIPPIE: (The blonde one, shrieks.) MURDERING, RAPING *BASTARD!* HELEN: (Trying desperately to stop this.) C'mon guys, lay off him! Peace and love, remember? BEARDED HIPPIE: (Lets go of Jake, spreads his arms.) Here, let's go, take your best shot! Let's see how big a *man* you are, man! (The guy with the beard releases Jake from his grip. The instant he's free, Jake splits, running from the confrontation.) BEARDED HIPPIE: Yeah, that's it, go cryin' back to Uncle Sam! HELEN: Sebastian! (Grabs the bearded hippie's arm, pulls him back.) Lay *off* already! (MUSIC: "World of Pain", Cream.) (The expression on poor Jake's face says he feels like the single lowest, most godforsaken thing on the whole planet. Humiliated, he flees the hippies' laughter. Helen, looking utterly ashamed of what she's done, chases after him.) BEARDED HIPPIE: (Calls.) Hey, Lav, where ya goin', baby? DARIA: (VO, dry.) Never underestimate the appeal of a man in uniform. JAKE: (VO from present, continues talking as young Helen follows young Jake.) You've gotta understand, kids, the world was a whole different place back then. We had a war going on, everyone shouting for their rights, politicians feeding us a constant stream of lies... DARIA: (VO.) Not like today. JAKE: (VO.) It was a turbulent time, it turned us against each other. But I never blamed your mother for what happened. (Hint of bile in his voice.) There was only *one* man I held responsible... CUT TO: INT.: PHONE BOOTH. (Jake's in a public phone booth near a street corner.) JAKE: (Hollers into the mouthpiece.) Yeah, *DAD*, it's "Little Jakey"! (Hold for a beat, then split the screen to show Jake and... we *finally* get to see his father, the infamous "Mad Dog" Morgendorffer. I see him as tall, fit, imposing, with a beard -- recall "Jake of Hearts", the razor phobia -- a steel glint in his eyes, and a permant scowl chiseled into his features. He pinches a thick cigar in his teeth, and there's a half-empty whiskey bottle on the table beside him. Soften the eyes and face and lose the beard, and you've got the splitting image of 1999 Jake.) "MAD DOG": (Harsh voice, from the years of smoke and drink.) Hello, *son*, how's college life? (A tad condescending.) You haven't dropped out already, have you? JAKE: (Venting his anger, snap reaction.) I changed my *mind*, Old Man! I'm signing up for a tour of duty right *now!* Just like *you* wanted! "MAD DOG": (*This* again.) Son, I *paid* for this semester so you could get *out* of-- JAKE: (Won't let him start.) *Ohhh*, don't you try to deny it, Dad! You *knew* I wouldn't fit in here, and you signed me up just to prove me wrong, you *KNEW* somehow! Well *congratulations*, you win *again!* How's it *feel*, ALWAYS BEING *RIGHT?!?* (Jake feels a hand on his shoulder and turns. Helen is standing there. Jake covers the phone with his hand -- remove the split-screen, Mad Dog's reply is drowned out.) JAKE: (To Helen.) What *now?* Haven't you had *enough* fun already?! (Then he sees the genuine remorse in her eyes, softens a bit. Helen squeezes into the booth with Jake and puts her arms around him in an apologetic gesture.) (MUSIC: Association, "Everything That Touches You".) JAKE: (Stifles sobs.) *Gah*, the Academy wasn't even *my* idea, it was my father's decision, everything in my *life* has been-- (Angry sing-song tone.) --my *fa-ther's* de-cis-ion! (Now back into the phone.) Well *NOT ANYMORE!!* I'm almost 18 now, Dad, and you don't *own* me! I'll do what I want, and I'll be *DAMNED* if I wanna follow in *YOUR* footsteps!! (He slams down the phone.) (End the split-screen, but stay with "Mad Dog".) "MAD DOG": (Pleased.) Well *all right*. You're *finally* learning to stand up for yourself, there's hope for you yet, my boy! (Beat, he listens for a response.) Jake? (Pause.) *Jake?* (Back to Jake and Helen.) JAKE: (VO, narrates.) Your mother probably saved my life that day... HELEN: (VO.) Oh, Jake, don't be so melodramatic. JAKE: (VO.) I'm *serious*, honey... (As the voiceovers continue, young Helen motions to young Jake with a tilt of her head, this way. In the background, Helen's bearded hippie friend watches with a somewhat disapproving look.) JAKE: (VO.) If she hadn't been there, I would've gone off half-cocked, straight into the war, just to prove myself to *him*... DARIA: So instead you plunged headfirst into the Flower Children? CUT TO: EXT.: DORMITORY BUILDING, SECOND-FLOOR WINDOW. (MUSIC: Peter, Paul and Mary with "Puff the Magic Dragon".) CUT TO: INT.: DORM ROOM. (A typical college dorm, with an almost garishly 60's touch: Beanbag cushions, lava lamps, beads from the ceiling, incense burning, you name it. With the noticeable exception of Helen, all of the hippies from before are present, plus four more, all lounging around the tightly packed quarters, on the bunks, on beanbags, on sleeping bags, etc. One woman, eyes closed and hands out palms-up, meditates in a yogic posture. Coyote directs Jake to an open closet.) COYOTE: First thing we gotta do, man, is find you some new threads. (Looks at Jake's uniform.) Not sure *what* you were floating on when you decided to wear *that*. JAKE: So are you guys part of this hippie movement I've been hearing about? WILLOW: We prefer to be called the counterculture. (From the closet, picks a tie-dyed shirt and a pair of bell-bottoms for Jake.) Here, try these on. JAKE: (Regards the brightly-colored T-shirt.) Wow, psychedelic, man!... It's "man", am I right? WILLOW: (Laid back.) Whatever your bag is. No rules here, just do your own thing. JAKE: (Removes wallet.) How much d'I owe you for these? COYOTE: (Shakes his head, refuses.) No materialism, man. "Owing" and "money" are for the capitalist chattel. We share everything. JAKE: Nifty! (Looks at all the people gathered.) Um, mind sharing a place where I can change? WILLOW: (Indicates where Jake's standing.) Right here, if you want to. No need to be ashamed. Look at big, beautiful Keenak, there. (Pan, following her gesture, to a big fat long-haired guy on a beanbag chair, wearing nothing at all except a black cap. It's still rated "G", since we can't see his privates with his big stomach in the way. Keenak raises the two-finger peace sign in salute.) JAKE: (Repulsed.) *Uhh!* (Quickly looks away.) COYOTE: Gotta let go of those hang-ups, bro. We don't judge. Everyone's accepted like they are. (Extends a hand.) I'm Coyote, by the way. JAKE: Jake. (As Jake reaches to shake hands, Coyote tries to lead him through the handshake they give each other in "That Was Then". But Jake can't follow it, withdraws his hand awkwardly.) COYOTE: This is my girl Willow. Lavendar you've already met. Here, lemme introduce you to everyone else... (Pan from one character to another as Jake makes their acquaintances. Start with the meditating woman, who has dark hair, large hoop earrings, shorts, shortsleeve billowy top, moccasins. Up close it's revealed that she's seated on a bed of nails.) COYOTE: This is our spiritual leader, Ryvre. (FYI, pronounced "River", just spelled differently.) RYVRE: (Eyes closed, repeating a mantra.) Govinda aya jaya Gopala jaya jaya... JAKE: Hey, there! (Moves to shake hands, realizes her eyes are closed, she can't even see him there.) Er... (Waves a hand in front of her face, raises his voice a bit.) Hello? (Ryvre's brow creases as she struggles to maintain concentration.) WILLOW: Ah, she's embracing Gaia at the moment. Don't worry, she'll meet your spirit on the astral plane. JAKE: (Sees the nails, cringes.) Seating on the astral plane looks *uncomfortable*. (Nervous chuckle.) (Move on, to the blonde woman who'd screamed at him before. She's reading Hoffman's "Revolution for the Hell of It".) COYOTE: And this is Serenity... SERENITY: (Suspicious.) You onea *Them*, man? Y'sure look like it. JAKE: One of *who?* (Coyote steers him away, next to two young women, one tall, one short with rose-colored granny-glasses and Beatle boots, each with a musical instrument -- acoustic guitar and harmonica, respectively.) COYOTE: The band, Yuna and Little Flower... (Both nod.) (The bearded guy.) COYOTE: And Sebastian, here, Lav's his girl. (Sebastian nods tolerably and offers a hand, but it's clear he doesn't think much of Jake.) (And finally, a guy with a long, hanging mustache; barefoot, wearing a red headband and coveralls but no shirt; and smoking... *something*.) COYOTE: And, last but not least, good old Mook. (Mook takes a deep drag on his joint, blows a thin stream of smoke upward, then offers a hand, squints at Jake through glazed eyes. When he speaks, the words are lethargic and drawn-out, but with a sort of almost mystical mien to them.) MOOK: (Rhythmed, poetic.) Allow me t'introduce myself, I'm a man of wealth 'n' taste, been 'roun' f'r long, long years, stol'n many a man's soul 'n' faith... JAKE: (Not sure what to make of him.) Um... hi... "Mook", is it? COYOTE: (Explains.) Mook's our resident sage and philosopher. JAKE: Really? I'm a marketing major, myself. WILLOW: He finds deep, underlying meaning in our movement's voices and musicians' licks. COYOTE: (Leans in, confidential to Jake.) Actually most of the time we're never quite sure what he means... but it's cool, man, it's cool. (Indicates the open bathroom door.) Anyway, you go change, then we'll show you 'round a bit. MOOK: (As Jake goes.) Stroll 'roun' th' groun's 'til y'feel at home... JAKE: Um... sure... (And he's out.) COYOTE: (Holds up Jake's Buxton Ridge uniform.) Any idea what to do with this? WILLOW: Hang onto it, we can burn it at the rally tomorrow night. CUT TO: EXT.: DORMITORY. (Helen's sitting alone on the front steps as Jake, now in the T-shirt and jeans Coyote gave him, comes outside. Sensing someone behind her, she quickly stashes an unlit reefer.) HELEN: (Looks up, as he sits down next to her. Smiles.) I dig the change. You look *so* righteous now. JAKE: (Still not hip to hippie-speak.) Er... is that good? HELEN: (Gently touches his military-school cut.) Just have to let the hair grow out some. (Looks pained.) Look, I want to apologize for... before... (Sighs.) We all got a little carried away, it's just the war, the whole damn military-industrial complex Ike tried to warn us about... Anyway, I'm sorry we hassled you like that. JAKE: Ahh, it's okay. (Offers a hand.) Peace? HELEN: (Charmed by the handsome newcomer, takes it.) Peace. HELEN: (VO, from present.) I still can't believe you let it all blow over like that. That must have been one of the first times in your life you didn't hold a grudge. JAKE: (VO from present, sounds pleased.) Hey, you know, I think it was! JAKE: (Young Jake.) So... "Lavendar", right? QUINN: (VO.) Iiick, *Mommm*, why *Lavendar?* That is *so* not your color! HELEN: (Young Helen.) Lavendar's my nickname. Sebastian gave it to me after we met. A new name for my new identity, he said. But my birth name's Helen. Helen Barksdale. JAKE: Jake Morgendorffer. HELEN: Morgen--... Is that German or something? JAKE: (VO from present, as young Jake and Helen continue talking.) Call it love at first sight, call it a sixth sense... DARIA: (VO.) Call it the erratic notions of an affection-starved fish out of water... JAKE: (VO.) Could be, kiddo! I dunno what it was, but *something* told me, "Jake my man, *this* is the woman you're going to spend the rest of your life with." (The clock steeple on one end of the quad chimes 11:00.) HELEN: (Looks up.) Damn, I'm late for class! (Scoops up a book, heads off.) JAKE: (VO.) There was only one problem... (A shadow from the doorway falls on Jake as he sits, watching her go. The figure sits down a step higher than Jake, and we see that it's Sebastian, the guy with the beard, the one who held Jake in the grip before.) SEBASTIAN: (Watches Jake watch Helen.) Lav's beautiful, isn't she, man? JAKE: (Infatuated.) Yeah... SEBASTIAN: (Pointedly.) We're *tying the knot* once we graduate. JAKE: Oh... (Not sure what else to say.) SEBASTIAN: I love ya, man... but stay away from my girl, you got that? (There's no mistaking the hurt in Jake's eyes. The woman of his dreams is already taken.) (MUSIC: The Doors' "Light My Fire", carry it through the commercial bumper.) (COMMERCIAL LEAD-IN: Split screen, young Helen shouting at Jake and then hugging Jake in the phone booth.) END ACT 1. (COMMERCIAL: Fellow fanfic author William Gasarch said my last couple of commercial rants haven't been as funny as my ones last season. Let's see... ah, here's a good one: Y'know laundry detergent commercials? Well jeez, the leading laundry detergent must absolutely and completely *suck!* I mean, *everything* out there is *better* than it at keeping clothes white, getting out tough stains, saving on long-distance calls, etc. So how the heck does the leading detergent *stay* the leading detergent when every single other product on the market is so vastly superior?) (BTW, this is a good place to plug William's fanfiction, especially "The Complete Idiot's Guide To..." A good read, check it out.) BEGIN ACT 2. RETURN TO: EXT.: MORGENDORFFER RESIDENCE, PRESENT DAY. (All the windows are dark, the power still isn't back on. But the storm has softened to a steady rain.) CUT TO: INT.: LIVING ROOM. (Jake, Helen, Trent, Daria, Jane and Quinn, as before. Trent continues to snack on the dried banana-chips.) JAKE: From that day on, I was always "hangin' out" with your mother and her friends. They kept their promise, I *was* accepted, for the first time in my life. They never hazed me, never made me march in formation... (Repressed rage rising.) ...or pick up cigarette butts outside the officers' quarters, or made me get up before *dawn* and dig a big *hole* for NO REASON while EVERYONE *ELSE* WAS STILL SOUND ASLEEP IN THE BARRACKS--! DARIA: Calm blue ocean, Dad. JAKE: (Immediately snaps back.) I'm okay! (MUSIC: "Let's Get Together" by the Youngbloods.) (Swirling dissolve back to Middleton, September 1968. The quad, the whole group's lounging around. Helen against Sebastian's chest, smoking. Keenak blows a stream of bubbles with a wand, he's fully clothed this time. Yuna paints a flower on Mook's cheek. Ryvre meditates with Willow and Coyote. Et cetera.) JAKE: (VO, from present.) They taught me to *enjoy* life, embrace who I am, instead of struggling to make an impression on everyone else... Daria, *you* would've made a good hippie! DARIA: (VO, dry.) I dunno, Dad. Bellbottoms chafe me. JAKE: (VO.) And they introduced me to *mind-expanding* concepts, things I'd never *dreamed* were possible! (Close-up of young Jake.) JAKE: (Wide-eyed, bewildered.) The Monkees don't play their own instruments?!? JAKE: (VO, as the hippies talk silently.) And I learned how things had different meanings for us than the *Masses*... PASSING PREPPIE STUDENT: (Shouts.) *Freaks!* JAKE: (Leaps to his feet, yells after him.) "Freaks"?! Who you callin' freaks, man? Hey! Hey, come back here! SEBASTIAN: (As Helen grabs his arm, pulls him back down.) Jeez, chill out, man. Freak's a compliment, it means we're cool, it's who we are. KEENAK: Gotta lose that hostility, Jake. You can't fight love with hate. (Looks deep.) Y'know, man, if everybody *really* loved their neighbor like the Bible says, we wouldn' even *need* laws, or the fuzz, or traffic lights... just let your fellow drivers go out of consideration. LITTLE FLOWER: (Moved.) Wow, that is so *inspiring!* KEENAK: Words t'live by, man. MOOK: (Stoned.) 'Magine all th' people sharin' all th' world... SERENITY: (To Jake.) Speaking of livin', you wanna stay alive after you graduate, you better start thinkin' how you're gonna beat the draft. JAKE: But isn't dodging immoral? HELEN: The whole *System's* immoral, man. (Takes one last hit, passes the joint to Mook.) Congress never even *declared* the damn war, y'know? JAKE: Um... I guess I could just go up to Canada... SEBASTIAN: Get real, man. I hear their immigration turns back dodgers now. MOOK: (Laments.) Where's one run t' when 'e's a'ready 'n th' prom's'd land? HELEN: Even working in a hospital supports the *Cause*. KEENAK: Could always fail the army physical, like me an' Mook. JAKE: (VO, explains.) And that's how it was with the generation gap, my new friends all saw the hypocrisy around us, and had renounced their parents' ways... DARIA: (VO, sardonic.) And you wonder why *I'm* the way I am. JAKE: (VO, the eager storyteller.) Once I saw this, *boy* did I ever get into it! Shortly into the new semester, a bunch of us got together and took over the dean's office to advocate Middleton's desegregation... Remember, honey? (MUSIC: The opening of Steppenwolf's "Born to Be Wild".) EXT.: MIDDLETON ADMINISTRATION BUILDING, EARLY 1969. HELEN: (VO.) Your first act of civil disobedience. JANE: (VO.) You rebel-rouser, you. CUT TO: INT.: ADMIN BUILDING, DEAN'S OFFICE. (The whole gang's here, along with a score of other protestors and a number of black students, all milling about the spacious office. Jake's sideburns are noticably longer, and his hair is starting to grow out in back. Ryvre reclines on the dean's desk, meditating, bent way forward, legs interlocked behind her head.) JAKE: (VO, narration.) And, like any kind of demonstration those days, it wasn't long before "the Man" got hip to the scene... JAKE: (Young Jake, in flashback, to Serenity.) What man? SERENITY: (Intense.) *The* Man! As in "the Man", man! MOOK: Step outta line, th' Man come'n' take you 'way. SERENITY: Right on, Mook! The Man's *always* hassling us, cuz we don't stand for the same things, we don't fit the *mold* like the Man wants us to! JAKE: (Doesn't get it.) Well what's his name? Does he live around here? Maybe we should go to his house and tell him off! (Sebastian just shakes his head sourly, the guy hasn't got a clue. Helen breaks a smile. Jake's innocent cluelessness has a sweet side, she digs it.) SERENITY: (Ardent.) What, have you *flipped out?* They watch us enough as it is, why *give* yourself up? (Lowers her voice, eyes dart around nervously.) The Man works for *Them*, y'know, the ones wanted JFK dead. Dr King, too. JAKE: (Becoming convinced, frightened.) Really? Robert Kennedy too? SERENITY: No, that was the Commies. But John's not dead, just comatose. In a secret hospital under the Pentagon. Martian technology keepin' him alive. RYVRE: (Overhears.) Serenity! Keep your delusions away from the poor guy! SERENITY: Hey, just cuz I'm paranoid doesn't mean they aren't after me. (Peers out a nearby window, freaks.) Oh my God, are those *Feds* out there?! I *knew* I shouldn't have sent that letter to LBJ, they've got a *file* on me now! (Jake peeks out too. A massive crowd is gathered outside, composed of students, college administrators, police, media.) JAKE: (Scans the crowd.) So which one's the Man? SERENITY: They're *all* the Man, man! Not an individual among 'em! HELEN: (Take-charge.) *Jake*, get away from the window! Keenak, Sebastian, barricade those doors! We'll stay here as long as it takes them to change things! (The two heft the desk, with Ryvre still on it, and carry it in front of the heavy wooden double-doors. Ryvre starts as she tilts forward, puts out a hand to steady herself. Jake looks at Helen with awed admiration. He's impressed by how she handles the authority she exudes.) JAKE: (VO, as Helen and the black students yell demands to the crowd below.) Girls, you should have *seen* your mother, felt the *vibes* she gave off! I wanted to tell her how I felt about her, what an *incredible* woman she was, but... (Slow zoom-in on Sebastian, who's now there with her.) DISSOLVE TO: EXT.: ADMINISTRATION BUILDING. SOME TIME LATER. DEAN: (Announcement, through bullhorn.) ...and so, beginning this semester, Middleton college will allow the enrollment of Negro students, and will be adding an ethnic studies program to our curriculum... (Some applause from the crowd, mingled with angry reactions from the more racist segment of the student body.) CUT TO: INT.: DEAN'S OFFICE. JAKE: (Amazed.) We *did* it, man! COYOTE: Sure did, my man! (Gives the handshake, but Jake fumbles it again.) MOOK: (Comradely arm on Jake's shoulder.) How's i' feel... t'be onea the beau'ful people? (Cheers all around. Keenak and Sebastian pull the desk away from the door.) HELEN: (To black students.) ...and if there's anything else we can do to help, you just let us know, alright? BLACK STUDENT: (Takes it the wrong way.) You sayin' we can't help ourselves? Think we need you to solve *all* our problems? HELEN: (Haste to patch this up.) No, *no*, of *course* not, I just meant... RYVRE: (Still on the desk with legs behind her head, starting to look uncomfortable.) Um, guys? I'm stuck, can somebody help me out here? CUT TO: EXT.: MIDDLETON, DORMITORY BUILDING. SOME DAYS (WEEKS?) LATER. (MUSIC: "Jumpin' Jack Flash", the Rolling Stones.) CUT TO: INT.: DORM ROOM. (Jake's looking out the window, watching Helen with Sebastian below, an unhappy, longing expression. Mook joins him, stares vaguely in the same direction.) JAKE: God, ever since that day we met, I can't stop thinking about her. Y'know what I mean, man? MOOK: (Sagely.) Wou' you b'lieve 'n a love't firs' sight, yes I'm cer'n tha'it happ'ns all th' time... JAKE: (Grateful.) Thanks, man. Knew I could rap with you. (Sighs.) WILLOW: (Joins the two guys.) You're really jonesing for Lavendar, aren't you? JAKE: Yyyeah... um, Willow? D'you think there's any chance of her and... a guy like me...? WILLOW: (Smiles.) You mean *you* specifically, right? (Jake nods.) WILLOW: And leaving Sebastian out of the picture, of course. JAKE: (Winces slightly.) Uh-huh. WILLOW: Let's ask Ryvre. (Ryvre's on her nails again, centering herself. Sensing the presence of Willow and Jake, she opens first one eye, then both when she sees they're there to talk to her.) RYVRE: (Bit impatient at the interruption.) Seeking enlightenment, Willow? WILLOW: Jake wants to know how compatible he is with Lavendar. RYVRE: Hmm... When's your birthday, Jake? JAKE: January 8th. RYVRE: (Ponders, then shakes her head.) Ohh, no-no-no, the synastry's all wrong. You're a Capricorn, Lav is Cancer. The two of you would *never* get along together, you'd be snapping at each other *constantly*... JAKE: (Devastated.) Really? (Willow gives Jake an afraid-so look, nods.) JAKE: (But intrigued now.) What else does my sign say about me? RYVRE: Well... you're very loyal to friends, but a bitter, revengeful enemy... JAKE: (Impressed.) Hey, that's right! SERENITY: (Passing by, caught this.) She'll get inside your head, man. Gotta watch her. RYVRE: (Makes a face at Serenity. Then back to Jake.) You also have a tendency toward manic-depression: Ecstatically happy one minute and wretchedly miserable the next. JAKE: (Astounded, that's him to a T!) *Wow!* CUT TO: EXT.: RESEDENTIAL STREET, OVERHEAD SHOT OF A VAN. (CUE UP MUSIC: Jefferson Airplane's "Volunteers".) JAKE: (VO.) The spring semester passed, and that summer we all headed down to D.C. to join in the rallies! BEGIN MUSIC-BACKED MONTAGE SEQUENCE. (Coyote driving a van through an upper-crust resedential neighborhood, with Willow shotgun. Jake pops his head between the front seats and does nothing to hide his amazement at the rows of upscale homes.) (Replay part of the "Alienation Legacy" opening scene -- Jake, Willow and Coyote at the Barksdale front door, picking up Helen for the trip, Grandma Barksdale giving Jake the disapproving once-over.) (The Washington D.C. skyline, hold for a few beats.) (Jake and Helen, side by side, marching in a large crowd, the rest of their friends closeby. Jake wears his maroon "right on" T-shirt, the one with the clenched fist, seen in previous episodes. Keenak is bare-chested with a large peace symbol painted on his stomach. The others are dressed much like before, but with a change of clothes here and there. Typical hippie getup: nehru tunics, tie-dye and paisley T-shirts, fringed jackets, dashikis. Lots of love beads, peace- symbol necklaces, colored ribbons, the occasional painted face. Many of the marchers carry signs with slogans: "NOW" in large letters with a big peace symbol for the "O", "No Nukes Is Good Nukes", "Genocide Isn't Groovy", "Vietnam: Love It Or Leave It", etc. Marching with them are women's-libbers and black protestors with their own set of signs and banners.) (Hanging anti-war posters. Helen keeps criticizing the way Sebastian's doing it, and finally he gives up and goes elsewhere, letting Jake take over. Then Helen starts criticizing Jake.) (Yuna and Little Flower on a sidewalk, playing their instruments for coins, while the others hand out flowers to total strangers. One guy in a suit walks by, ignoring Jake, not taking the flower he holds out, which makes him mad. Jake shouts at the guy and is about to charge after him when Helen grabs his arm and holds him back.) (All eleven, with hands joined, all swaying back and forth and singing a song.) (Camping out on Capitol Hill, Helen smoking pot with Sebastian, Jake looking on with a mixture of pining and concern for Helen.) (The group throwing a Frisbee back and forth across Pennsylvania Avenue. Jake throws it too high to Little Flower, she jumps up and misses. He gives the gang a sheepish look as the disc sails over the fence onto the White House lawn.) (Keenak walking around wearing a real U.S. flag as a shawl, until an angry policeman silently indicates he take it off... and then motions for him to put it back on when he sees he's got nothing on underneath.) (Helen with Yuna and Little Flower, painting a mural. She stops to paint Jake's face, not noticing Sebastian looking on with his typical disapproval.) (Jake blushing as Helen points to the Washington Monument and whispers something in his ear.) (Yuna and Little Flower playing and singing at a coffeehouse, the others watching, Serenity and Jake looking awfully jittery after several cups.) (Mook on a ramshackle outdoor stage, addressing a crowd of fellow hipsters, all of whom look at one another with confused, uncomprehending faces.) (Recap of the raise-the-Pentagon scene from "That Was Then", the group with hands joined, then Jake getting mad and kicking it, breaking his foot.) (Marching with the crowd again. This time Jake has his foot in the cast, a crutch under one arm, his placard in the other hand, his enthusiasm undiminished.) FADE MUSIC, END MONTAGE SEQUENCE. CUT TO: EXT.: CAPITOL HILL, HIPPIE CAMP, DUSK. (MUSIC: The Beatles' "Within You Without You".) (One *massive* party. Bonfires, dancing, people playing music, lounging around, smoking, talking and laughing, enjoying themselves. Ryvre, in the center of a drum circle, moves slowly and gracefully, letting the rhythm flow through her. Serenity paces about restlessly, constantly on the lookout for the Man. Mook rips a small piece off of some girl's hemp pants and rolls it into a joint, as if to try smoking it. Willow and Coyote relax in each others' arms. Jake, a smile on his face, limps through the crowd, stumbles and nearly falls over as a wild female partyer plows right into him.) JAKE: *Gah!* (Steadies her, then sees who it is.) Helen? HELEN: (Delighted.) Jake! (Giggles foolishly, she's high on something.) JAKE: (Sees this.) You feelin' okay? HELEN: (Floating.) Oh, outta *sight*, baby! It is just *such* a happenin' groove, all of us here, together... (Abruptly, she kisses a stunned Jake on the lips.) JAKE: (Shocked, he's never had a girl do this before.) Helen! We're not even going out!... Are we? HELEN: (Laughs.) You're *so* innocent, Jake! (Beat.) Lessee if we can do something about that, hmm? (Impulsively, grabs his shirt.) C'mon! (MUSIC: "All Along the Watchtower", Jimi Hendrix.) (Helen leads Jake into a small pup-tent set up nearby. Silhouettes are faintly visible through the canvas as Helen pulls her top off, then tugs at Jake's.) JAKE'S VOICE: (Inside tent.) Um, Helen? W-what are you doing? SWIRLING FLASH-FORWARD TO: INT.: MORGENDORFFERS' LIVING ROOM, PRESENT DAY. JAKE: (Closeup, looks somewhat embarrassed, like he's said more than he'd wanted to.) And then... just like that... JANE: (Smirks.) You made love, not war? HELEN: (Definitely embarrassed.) I can't believe you're *telling* this, Jake! JAKE: What? It's just the girls and Daria's friends! QUINN: (Utterly repulsed.) *Eewww!* I didn't need to *hear* this! HELEN: (Disapproving.) Now, Quinn, don't be so pureile... How do you think *you* were conceived? QUINN: *EWWWW*, just *stop*, okay?! (Stands, takes flashlight from coffee table.) If anybody calls, I'll be in the shower till Tuesday. JAKE: Er... (To Jane and Trent.) You guys won't tell anyone, right? (Jake laughs, but then sees Helen's expression, kills it, looks at Jane and Trent pleadingly.) TRENT: Relax, man. Been there myself. (This gets a wide-eyed reaction from Daria. Trent finishes the last of the banana-chips and sets the empty bag on the coffee table. Jake picks it up, sorta disappointed to see they're all gone.) HELEN: We just... did what we felt like. JANE: Do you ever wish for the old days anymore? DARIA: (Dry.) *I* wish for the days before I heard all this. QUINN: (Still here, demands.) So why can't *we* just do whatever *we* want? HELEN: (Firm.) Because we're older and we know what's best. (As Quinn plops back onto the couch in her that's-not-*fair* pout.) It was all so crazy back then... (MUSIC: Bob Dylan's "Just Like a Woman", the opening guitar and harmonica riffs.) SWIRLING FLASHBACK DISSOLVE TO: INT.: TENT. A FEW MINUTES LATER. (Close-up of Helen, her face hovering above the camera.) HELEN: Well? How was that? JAKE: (Face streaked with sweat, he gasps for breath.) That was... *unreal*... wow, man... (Helen smiles and snuggles up to him under the covers, though it's clear she's had more experience and is... less than completely satisfied. Jake closes his eyes, basks in the afterglow, a big grin on his face.) JAKE: (As Helen lights another MJ cig.) Umm... Helen? Are you sure you should be doing that? I heard you can get addicted to that stuff. HELEN: (Puffs, sighs contentedly.) Mmm, don't be such a square, Jakey... 'f it feels good, do it, haven't you learned anything from us? JAKE: (Goofy smile.) I'd say *you* just taught me quite a bit. HELEN: (Sobers, more serious now.) Jake? Have you ever thought about where we'll be ten, twenty years from now? JAKE: (Realization.) *No*... HELEN: I mean, I *love* this life, all the *freedom*, going with the flow... But it's so *frustrating*, we're getting back more body bags every day, but we don't seem to be raising any consciousness. JAKE: (With fervor.) Well at least we're raising hell! (Beat.) Aren't we? HELEN: (Opening up to him.) What I'd really like to do is infiltrate the System, raise hell from the *inside*. JAKE: (Likes the idea.) Yeah! "Get into it", do your own thing, anything you want! HELEN: (Looks at Jake, dead serious.) Someday I'd like to go to law school. JAKE: (Bursts into laughter.) A woman lawyer, *that'll* be the day! (Then crumbles under her vicious glare.) I mean, uh, *groovy* idea, baby! HELEN: You know... I've never told anyone about this before. JAKE: Even Sebastian? HELEN: Not even-- JAKE: *Sebastian!* (His eyes are locked behind Helen, alarmed.) (An angry Sebastian, lunges at Jake, wraps a hand around his neck. Jake's dually attempting to pry away Sebastian's grip and keep himself covered up.) HELEN: What are you *doing*, Sebastian? Leave him alone! (Helen winds up and decks Sebastian, who yelps, covering his nose, and backs out of the dent. Jake rubs his neck as Helen reaches for her clothes.) (MUSIC: Janis Joplin's "Piece of My Heart".) CUT TO: EXT.: HIPPIE CAMP. (Helen emerges, dressed, confronts Sebastian.) HELEN: (Angry.) *Jesus*, Sebastian, what the hell was *that* for?! SEBASTIAN: Jesus, Lav, what the hell are you doing with *him?* HELEN: *What?* You don't *own* me! I can be with whoever I *want*, there is such a thing as free love, you know! SEBASTIAN: You mean you can just get *rid* of me when you find someone you like better?! QUINN: (VO, from present.) God, he was like the guys *I've* gone out with! (The two raise their voices and begin to draw attention.) JAKE: (Trying to stop this.) C'mon guys, lay off! Peace and love, remember? (Sebastian turns and punches Jake, knocks him to the ground. With the cast, remember.) HELEN: Jakey! (Swell the music, carry it through the commercial bumper.) (COMMERCIAL LEAD-IN: Slow-mo of the gang at the protest rallies.) END ACT 2. (COMMERCIAL: Ever sat and watched the commercials that air during kids' shows? They're worse than the grown-up ones! "Pert Plus for Kids", where we see the how-do-I-look shallowness of the Sandis, Stacys and Tiffanys of tomorrow. "Electronic Thumb Wrestling", what's next, electronic kissy-face for the puppy-love stage? And I'd like to take Marvin's Magic Drawing Board and shove it up Marvin's... well, let's not be vulgar.) (Nose. I was gonna say up Marvin's nose.) BEGIN ACT 3. RETURN TO: EXT.: HIPPIE CAMP. (Maybe half a minute later. Jake sits up Indian-style, holding his nose. Sebastian is gone.) HELEN: (Insists.) Let me *look* at it, Jake! (Pulls his hands away, probes it, Jake winces.) It's not broken. You'll live. JAKE: (Bitter.) He didn't hafta *hit* me. HELEN: (Gives him a handkerchief to wipe off the blood.) He did it because he's afraid of you. He sees you as a threat. JAKE: Well I may have gone to military school, but I *sure* as hell never *killed* anybody! HELEN: *No*, Jake. (Explains.) He's afraid because he's not in control. Joining the movement was his way of taking charge of his life. (Sighs.) He's a lot like my father. Only he can't control me. He's always been this way, he's just gotten worse since you came along. JAKE: (Sees he's the cause of all this.) Sorry... HELEN: Don't be. It's my choice to be with him. JAKE: (Caught in the middle.) But... what about me? CUT TO: EXT.: ANOTHER PART OF THE CAMP. (The rest of the group.) COYOTE: I'm telling you, it's a great opportunity to see the country, man! With Jake's leg like that, he can beat the draft 'till next semester. YUNA: There's a big concert up in New York I heard was gonna be rockin'. (MUSIC: The Mamas and the Papas, "California Dreamin'".) (Cut to a shot of the van, on the road again.) TRENT: (VO, present.) Whoa. You guys went to Woodstock? The *first* one? HELEN: (VO.) Yuna and Little Flower did. And shortly after they dropped out of college to follow the Grateful Dead, we didn't hear from them after that... (A U.S. map, each state in different paisley colors, as a red line tracks the van's progress across the country.) JAKE: (VO.) The rest of us piled into the van and headed west. HELEN: (VO.) Keenak's family had a commune in California, near Haight- Ashbury, where the movement first started. Completely self- sufficient, run as a co-op. They grew their own food, made their own clothes... DARIA: (VO.) Ate their own young... JAKE: (VO.) We got as far as Colorado before our money and gas hit empty... CUT TO: EXT.: STREET, DOWNTOWN BOULDER. NIGHT. (MUSIC: Hendrix's "Crosstown Traffic".) (The van, down to its last fumes, coughs up to a curb under a streetlight. The gang piles out.) SEBASTIAN: Great, *now* what are we supposed to do? WILLOW: Got any more money, Lav? HELEN: I *told* you, we used the last of it back in Wichita. (Stressed.) I need a toke, Sebastian. (He gives her a hit from his joint, but is clearly still bitter about before.) SERENITY: (Getting twitchy.) Y'mean were *stranded* here, man?! (Shudders.) Just like the astronauts if they hadn't faked the moon landing! FLASHLIGHT & VOICE: (Demands.) What're you longhaired pansies up to? SERENITY: Cheese it! The pigs, man! (Helen stashes her joint.) JAKE: (Angry.) Hey, who you callin' longhaired pansies, man? (Checks.) *That's* an insult, right? MOOK: (High.) Y'don' dig this long hair, getch'self a crewcut, baby. KEENAK: (To cop.) Jesus had long hair too, man. COP: Shuttup! You kids been smokin' grass? Lemme see your draft cards! (The men in the group produce their cards, he studies them.) College deferments... y'look like dodgers, every one of you. (To Jake.) You break that foot on purpose? My brother's in 'Nam right now, gettin' shot at for garbage like you... MOOK: (Burned-out.) Who's t'say who's a be'er man, when I've a'ways done th' bes' I can? COP: *You* shut up! I don't like the war any more than you do, but you either follow our laws, or go start your *own* country! MOOK: (Too high to know what he's saying.) Y' don' b'lieve'n war, b' wuzzat gun yer totin'? COP: I've had just about enough of *you!* Goddamn pinko *freak!* (He brandishes his club and gives Mook a savage whack to the skull.) (Tense beat of silence as Mook stands motionless after the impact. His eyes are wide open and he suddenly looks more sober than we've ever seen him before.) MOOK: (Weakly.) H'lo darkness my ol' frien', I've come t' talk w'you again. (And with that, he drops like a rock.) SERENITY: Mook! Jesus *Christ!* JAKE: (Taunting.) Ha! You want peace, and *this* is how you show it? COP: You wanna be next, flower-boy? JAKE: Your fascist tactics don't scare *us!* We're *free*, man, freedom means living without *fear!* HELEN: (Hisses.) Jake, shut *up!* (Too late, the cop whacks him, and he goes down alongside Mook.) HELEN: (Face contorts with rage.) Son of a *BITCH*--! (And with one swing, she cold-cocks him.) ANOTHER POLICEMAN: (Arrives with backup.) Everybody *freeze!* You're all under arrest! (MUSIC: "In the Year 2525 (Exordium & Terminus)", Zager and Evans.) CUT TO: EXT.: POLICE STATION. CUT TO: JAKE: (Close-up, shouts.) Your *System* ain't gonna *change* me, man! These cats have opened my eyes! *Freedom*, baby, *that's* where it's at! Jake Morgendorffer's a free man! (Zoom out to show the irony of Jake's words:) INT.: JAIL CELL. (All five of the guys are crammed in, wearing jail uniforms.) SEBASTIAN: (Looks at a still-unconscious Mook on one of the bunks.) How's he doin', man? COYOTE: Still out of it. SEBASTIAN: (Sees Coyote watching Jake's rant.) I meant the *Mookster*, man! (Closeup of Mook, he stirs.) JAKE: Mook! (The other four gather around. Coyote shakes his shoulder gently.) COYOTE: Hey, man. JAKE: Is he okay? MOOK: (Slowly opens his eyes.) Looks like... ever'body in this whole roun' worl'... 's down on me. COYOTE: (Breathes a sigh of obvious relief.) He's fine, man. COP: (Enters.) Okay, girls, we're releasing you, let's go get your stuff. (Angrily points at a naked Keenak, the cell lock covering up his privates.) Until then, keep your damn uniform on, I'm *not* gonna tell you again! (MUSIC: "Classical Gas", Mason Williams.) CUT TO: EXT.: ROAD, THE VAN'S ON THE MOVE AGAIN. RYVRE'S VOICE: So how much did you steal? SERENITY'S: I didn't *steal*, I reappropriated. (Beat.) About forty bucks. CUT TO: INT.: VAN. (Coyote's driving, Willow's shotgun. The other seven are crammed into the back, Helen in Jake's arms. Focus on Sebastian, watchful and envious.) SEBASTIAN: (Planning something. To a tripping Mook.) Hey, man, gimme a couple tabs of that. MOOK: (Hands Sebastian the crystals.) *EV*-ra-body mus' git stoned! (Coyote loads a tape in the van's 8-track player. MUSIC: "I Can See for Miles", the Who.) SEBASTIAN: (Scoots to Jake, with a glass of colored liquid.) Thirsty, man? JAKE: Whatcha got there, Sebastian? SEBASTIAN: (Twisted smirk.) Kool-Aid, man. JAKE: Hey, thanks! HELEN: Jake, wait--! (He downs it in one gulp. Beat. Jake's eyes suddenly take on a strange look.) JAKE: (Spacing out.) Whooaaaaaa... (We see Jake's POV, as the other characters blurs and distort, into... Try to picture something out of the Beatles' "Yellow Submarine" movie, only drawn more in the sharply-inked style of "Daria". I know, I'm being vague, that's the point: Use your imagination, dammit!) JAKE: (Wide eyed, a big idiotic grin on his face.) *Wowwwwwww*, maaannnn...! (Laughs stupidly.) Everything's sooooo beauuutifullll... It's like, Ryvre was *riiight*, mannnn... our souls *are* connected to everything! COYOTE: (Turns.) Hey, what's goin' on? Is he trippin', Lav? WILLOW: Coyote! Eyes on the road, man! (Back to what Jake sees swimming in his vision.) JAKE: Wowwww... lookit all the *colors*... (Abruptly, the images coalesce into the angry face of "Mad Dog". The mouth moves, and the words are angry, but the sound is all distorted.) JAKE: (Freaks out.) *GAAH!* DAD!! WHAT ARE *YOU* DOING HERE?! I-I DIDN'T *MEAN* TO TAKE THIS STUFF DAD, HE *TRICKED* ME... NO *REALLY*, THAT'S WHAT HAPPENED, WHY DON'T YOU EVER *BELIEVE* ME?! HELEN: (Sees Jake yelling and kicking.) OhmyGod, he's havin' a bad trip! (To Sebastian.) Jesus, what'd you *give* him?! SEBASTIAN: (Tries to pull Helen away from Jake.) Nothin', baby. Just somethin' else to keep him occupied. HELEN: (Furious.) Dammit, Sebastian! He's never even smoked a *joint* before, he can't *handle* the stuff Mook does! SEBASTIAN: Hey, relax, baby-- JAKE: (As the two of them argue.) Yeahhhhh... r'laaaax, babyyyy... HELEN: (Stands, grabs Sebastian by the vest.) Don't you "relax, baby" me! You *bastard*, how *could* you?! (With her other hand, forces the van's sliding door open.) WILLOW: Lavendar, what are you *doing?* HELEN: (Had enough of Sebastian's nickname.) Call me *Helen*, Willow! CUT TO: EXT.: VAN. (Rear shot of the van as Sebastian comes tumbling out onto the side of the road. Cut to Helen, standing in the open sliding door, looking back with a good-riddance expression.) FADE MUSIC, SWIRLING FLASHBACK TO PRESENT. (Trent's laughing, then starts the coughing fit.) JAKE: (Whacks him on the back.) You okay, big guy? (Trent nods yeah.) JANE: (Delighted.) You *threw him out?* For Jake? (Beat.) That's so *sweet!* Hey, Daria, would you throw someone out of a moving vehicle for... (Significant glance at Trent.) ...a guy *you* liked? DARIA'S VOICE: (Off-camera.) Depends. If it was Quinn, yes. JAKE: Kids, now *promise* me you won't go telling anyone about this! (Pan to Daria, who's taking notes. She looks up, smirks.) CUT TO: EXT.: MIDDLETON CAMPUS, DORM BUILDING, JANUARY 1970. JAKE: (VO, narrates.) Anyway, after that your mom and I were pretty much an item. Never heard from Sebastian again after that. We spent the fall on the west coast, planted a victory garden... (Touch of dread in his voice.) And then came the day I got back on campus and found... *the letter*... HELEN: (VO.) Now Jake, honey, you don't have to humiliate yourself further if you don't want to. JAKE: (VO, insists.) It's part of the story, Helen. Besides... I need to get this off my chest. HELEN: (VO.) Honey, you've been getting this off your chest for 30 years... HELEN: (Arriving back on campus, open-armed greeting.) Jake, honey! (The cast is fresh off Jake's leg. He sits on the stairs, reading an open letter, an expression of anguish clouding his face. He doesn't look up.) HELEN: (Sits beside him.) Mail from home? (Pause.) Honey? JAKE: (Face twitches, then suddenly he explodes with rage, crumples the letter.) Been "cavorting like a *pansy*", have I? "Used the torch you passed to FIRE UP A *JOINT*", DID I?! Well *THAT DOES IT!!* (Face red, he stands, storms off. Again, Helen chases after him.) HELEN: Jake! CUT TO: EXT.: PHONE BOOTH. (Closeup on Jake as he dials. Split-screen, Jake and a solemn Ruth Morgendorffer. Helen's on Jake's shoulder to offer support.) JAKE: (Red-faced, furious.) *Mom?* I wanna talk to *Dad!* *Now!* RUTH: Oh, Jakey, you *called!* (Tearful.) Honey, your father... your father passed away two days ago. JAKE: (Jolted.) *What?* *HOW?* RUTH: The doctor said his liver just gave out. His lungs were in bad shape too, you knew he had cancer, didn't you? (Jake just stands there reeling, too stunned to reply.) RUTH: (Hopeful.) The burial's tomorrow morning... you could still make it. JAKE: Forget it! There is *no way* I'm coming to that old bastard's funeral! RUTH: (Fights tears.) Jakey, *please*... JAKE: Why *should* I?! *He* never bothered to show up at *my* bar mitzvah! I never even *HAD* a bar mitzvah! RUTH: Jakey, your father asked for you on his deathbed. JAKE: I'll *bet* he did! Wanted to TEAR ME DOWN one last time before he left this world! You should *SEE* what he WROTE to me here! (He holds up the letter, waves it angrily, as if Ruth could somehow read it.) RUTH: Sweetheart, this is your *last* chance to say goodbye, and tell your father how you feel. I know you're upset now, but I have a feeling if you don't come, you'll regret it for the rest of your life. JAKE: (Stubborn.) I will not! I'LL BE JUST *FINE!* IMMEDIATELY CUT TO: EXT.: MIDDLETON QUAD. (Jake sobs loudly and agonizingly.) JAKE: (Anguish.) I always *knew* he never *wanted* me, Helen, but he NEVER ACTUALLY CAME OUT AND *SAID* IT BEFORE!! HELEN: (Tries to comfort Jake.) Jake, sweetie-- JAKE: *ROBBING* ME OF MY FORMATIVE YEARS WASN'T *ENOUGH*, NOOOO, NOT FOR SERGEANT *"MAD DOG" MORGENDORFFER!!* HELEN: Jake, you need to put all this behind you before you can move on. If you can forgive us for teasing you like we did, maybe you can forgive your father too? (Pause. Jake considers this.) JAKE: (Wails.) *GAAH*, I *CAAAAAANNN'T!* CUT TO: INT.: SECOND-FLOOR DORM ROOM. (MUSIC: "Medication", the Standells.) (Ryvre on her nail-bed. Mook and Serenity watch Jake in the quad below, with mounting concern.) SERENITY: (Quietly.) Christ, that's gotta be hell... havin' *the Man* f'r an old man... (Shakes her head.) *Man!* MOOK: (Perpetually stoned.) It ain' me, I ain' no mil'tary son... RYVRE: (Chants.) Hare Krishna Hare Krishna Krishna-- JAKE'S VOICE: (Cuts in, from the quad.) HE NEVER *ONCE* SAID HE WAS PROUD OF ME, HELEN! (Sobs.) Not even when I survived the very TORTURE CAMP *HE* DUMPED ME IN! RYVRE: (Squeezes her eyes tighter, puts hands over her ears, chants louder to drown it out.) ...*KRISHNA* HARE HARE, HARE *RAMA* HARE... JAKE'S VOICE: (From outside, no end in sight.) He just *LEFT* me there, like it was *EASIER* to neglect me when he didn't have to LOOK INTO THOSE YOUTHFUL EYES *BEGGING* HIM FOR LOVE--! DARIA: (VO.) Okay, Dad, we get the picture... JAKE: (VO, bounces back.) Sorry. Uh, where was I? (Outside shot, as young Jake continues to vent his bottled rage.) JAKE: (VO.) It was the most difficult time of my life, and your mother was *there* for me. Nobody'd *ever* been there for me before... CUT TO: EXT.: MIDDLETON COLLEGE, QUAD. (MUSIC: Thunderclap Newman, "Something in the Air".) (Graduation, everybody in their caps and gowns, on an outdoor stage.) JAKE: (VO.) We graduated in '72, your mother in pre-law, me in marketing with a biz-admin minor. The world was open to us, but there was only one place we wanted to go back to... CUT TO: EXT.: SAN FRANCISCO SKYLINE. (MUSIC: Scott McKenzie, "San Francisco".) JAKE: (VO.) As Mook put it... MOOK: (VO.) We 're stardust, we 're golden, 'n' we' gotta get ourselves back t' th' garden. CUT TO: INT.: HAIGHT-ASHBURY GROUP HOUSE. (Jake reads another troubling letter.) JAKE: (VO.) But we almost got pulled apart again. Graduation reverted my draft status back to 1-A, and they were about to ship me off to war. But fortunately, before the month was over... CUT TO: INT.: GROUP HOUSE, A FEW WEEKS LATER. (Jake's few belongings are packed and ready to go. He shares a tearful goodbye with Helen and the rest of the group, when Serenity bursts in, jittery as usual.) SERENITY: Did you hear? Did you guys *hear* the news?! RYVRE: (Trying to meditate, interrupted again. Deriding.) The government's developing a secret computerized communications network? SERENITY: (Ready to burst with excitement.) They signed a cease-fire with 'Nam, the draft is *over!* Jake, man, you don't have to go!! (Cheers and shouts of "We did it!" go up from the group, hugs all around, Jake and Helen embrace and kiss passionately, etc.) SERENITY: (Suspicious.) Must mean the CIA's done with their domestic work, don't need the cover-up anymore. MOOK: Par'noia strikes deep, inta y'r life it'll creep... CUT TO: EXT.: GROUP HOUSE, NIGHT. (The commune is alive with celebration, all the windows lit, silhouettes of people dancing, etc.) (MUSIC: "Sugar Magnolia", the Grateful Dead.) CUT TO: EXT.: GROUP HOUSE, BACK PORCH. (Keenak and his brothers are setting up something in the field beyond. Helen steps out, passes a meditating Ryvre who's being pestered by licks from Leary, the dog.) CUT TO: EXT.: HILLTOP. (MUSIC: The Moody Blues' "Nights in White Satin".) (Jake sits on a blanket, watching the sky. Helen joins him. They kiss.) HELEN: Howcome you're not inside? JAKE: Ah, I needed to think. About what the heck to do now that it's over. HELEN: I've decided one thing. (Takes out a rolled joint, looks at it, then throws it down.) I'm going straight. Been clean two days already. JAKE: (Pleased.) You mean that? You're giving up the drugs? HELEN: Yeah... (Beat.) Well... maybe just one more. (Grabs the one she threw down, lights up.) (There's a whoosh, and the two look up to see a colored starburst go off in the air, against a crystal sky.) HELEN: Look baby, Keenak's started the fireworks! JAKE: (Like he's come to a decision. But still self-conscious and awkward.) Um, Helen? There's something I've been meaning to ask you... (He gets on one knee and takes her hands in his. Helen looks at him expectantly.) JAKE: Helen Barksdale, will you... (Descends into complete babbling.) Er, that is, would you-- Aww, *dammit*, I don't have a ring or even any love beads on me... (Can't get the words out.) What I'm trying to say is... I mean, if you *want* to, I don't wanna force you into anything... That is... HELEN: (Understands, smiles.) *Yes*, Jake. I will marry you. JAKE: (Disappointment.) Oh. (Followed by elated realization.) You *will?!* (He stands, belts out a loud cheer, pumps a fist into the air. Cut to Ryvre, downhill, on the porch. She finally gives up trying to get any concentration, pulls the crystal from around her neck and throws it down in disgust, stalks back inside. Back to Jake.) JAKE: (Yells, skyward.) DID YOU HEAR THAT, "MAD DOG"? SHE SAID *YES!* And *YOU* said no girl would ever *WANT* me! Well I'LL SHOW YOU! I'll do a better job raising a family than you *EVER* did! AND I I WON'T *EVER* TREAT *HER* THE WAY *YOU* TREATED *MOM!!* HELEN: (No-nonsense tone.) That's *right* you won't! DISSOLVE TO: EXT.: A SMALL BLUFF OVERLOOKING THE PACIFIC OCEAN. (MUSIC: "Imagine", John Lennon.) JAKE: (Narration.) And two years later... (Jake and Helen stand on the edge of a small bluff overlooking the Pacific Ocean. Hand-in-hand, flower wreaths on their heads, they stand in the pose in the famous "Diaries" wedding photo. All of their friends stand nearby, including a similarly-dressed Coyote and Willow, who look like they've just done the vows as well.) JAKE & HELEN: (Unison.) Let us begin this karmic adventure. In the presence of friends and trees, we take each other as man and woman. The revolution begins with us! KEENAK: (As if presiding.) And so, by the power vested in me by the spirit of Jimi Hendrix, I now pronounce you husband and wife. (Jake and Helen kiss. Applause from their friends.) MOOK: (Grins, with tears in his eyes.) Love's all y'need... RYVRE: (Comforts him.) Let it out. Tears cleanse the soul. SERENITY: (Takes their picture, hands the camera to Willow.) Make sure they destroy the negatives. JAKE: (Can't believe it.) So we're... *married?* HELEN: (Simply.) We're married. JAKE: *YEAH!* (Takes out a lighter and his draft card.) Won't be needing *this* anymore! (He burns it, holds it aloft.) Take *that*, Richard Nixon! COYOTE: Uh, Jake, man? It's only an act of rebellion if you burn it *during* the war. (Beat.) JAKE: Oh. (It burns his fingers, he drops it.) *Ow!* (MUSIC: "Time Won't Let Me", The Outsiders.) (Dissolve to a short time later, their friends preparing to pile into the van as Jake and Helen say goodbye.) WILLOW: (Hugs Helen.) You're sure you won't come with us? HELEN: (Already decided.) It's time to come out of the underground, beat the System at their own game. JAKE: We *shall* overcome! (Raises his fist, "right-on".) SERENITY: Don't do it, man! The System'll *change* you, man, like it does everybody else!... man... RYVRE: C'mon, Serenity. They're free to follow their own destiny. COYOTE: (To Jake.) Keep the faith, my man! JAKE: You too, bro! Take carea yourself! (They give each other the handshake. This time Jake's got it down pat.) MOOK: (Emotion seeping through his doped, semi-conscious guise.) Sen' me a pos'card, drop me a line, statin' poin'v view. JAKE: (Claps him on the shoulder.) Will do, Mook, y'old rascal! KEENAK'S VOICE: (Calls.) Hey! (Splashing sound, cut to shot of Keenak, bare from the waist up.) KEENAK: (Both arms outstretched, holding up his clothes.) Anyone up for a little skinny-dip before we hit the road? JAKE: (Grimaces, shields his eyes with an arm.) Aww, *jeez!* (Kick up CLOSING MUSIC: "She Don't Care About Time" by the Byrds. The single version.) (Helen reaches up, turns his head so he's looking directly at her. Swirling dissolve to the present, Jake and Helen on the couch, still gazing into each others' eyes almost 25 years later. Momentarily fade music.) JANE'S VOICE: (They turn as she speaks.) So what the heck happened? I mean, how'd you go from capitalism-fighting peaceniks singing "Blowin' in the Wind", to middle-aged, mortgage-paying nine-to-fivers? JAKE: (Chuckles.) Well now, *that*, Jane-O... is another story entirely. HELEN: The important thing is we're still together after all those years... (Sweet goo-goo talk.) ...Jakey-Wakey... JAKE: (Same, touches her cheek.) Helen-Melon... (They rub noses in an affectionate Eskimo-kiss, then smooch, holding each other in their arms. Slowly pan to show the other characters' reactions. Jane watches, smiling and starry-eyed, the hopeless romantic. Trent's fallen asleep, of course. Quinn, disgusted by her parents acting this way, stands and heads outside. The rain has stopped and the fireworks have begun. Through-the-window shot as Quinn silently joins Daria watching them. Pan up to the night sky, aglow with the cascade of colored starbursts, then fade to black.) (...la-la LA la la...) (CREDITS AND CUTE LITTLE RENDERINGS OF THE CHARACTERS.) THE END AUTHOR'S NOTES: I know. I've been neglecting Our Heroine lately. The next four scripts, I promise, will feature her in more prominent roles. I've wanted to tell this story since last season, but absolutely dreaded the amount of research and detailing involved. Once that got off the ground, this turned out to be the most *fun* writing project I've assigned myself in a long time. Still, it was a *backbreaker* of a script to do. I took more notes and discarded more ideas and scenes here than all of my other fanfics combined. There's a whole spinoff series of untold stories here, so if anyone wants to pick up the torch, go right ahead. I chose the July 4th setting for the present day because the fireworks also nicely symbolized the whole Sixties revolution. It was arduous, merging the historical timeline with the "Daria" timeline... I had to have the group at Middleton, where Jake and Helen presumably met ("College Bored" suggests this, and Jake's letters to his father in the "Diaries" never mention Helen). Then they had to be at D.C. for the Pentagon scene; in Boulder, Colorado for the August arrest ("That Was Then"); and in San Francisco in December 1969 so Jake could attend the Stones' Altamont concert ("Road Worrier"). And all of this had to fit with the brief scene I wrote in "Alienation Legacy" (which now has the moon-landing date fixed, I guess we *all* need to brush up on our history since no one pointed it out to me). To top it all off, I had to contend with the draft. But I gave it my best shot, and tried not to directly contradict anything other authors had already written. A couple of acknowledgments: The letter Jake gets from his father was borrowed from Michelle Klein-Hass' "Bringing Down the House", as is Mad Dog's Army rank of sergeant... though one of the passeges from the letter is my own addition. Jake and Helen's pet-names for each other, "Jakey- Wakey" and "Helen-Melon", come from Deb Hopkins' (aka SBBED.D) "Hot Nuts" and Kara "Driven" Wild's "None in the Family", respectively. Music-wise, I tried not to use any songs/lyrics in a scene that took place before they were written, but it was difficult to find exact release dates, so go easy on me. The music selection emphasizes as many of the influential late-Sixties bands (since that's the story's setting) as possible, and also features a few of my personal favorites. I had *so* much fun picking out music for this one. I even tape-recorded a "Fireworks" soundtrack from my parents' vinyl collection (thanks, Mom and Dad!) In the end there were too many great tunes to use them all, but stuck with what I thought complemented the action the best, so please don't chew me out if one of your favorites wasn't included. Helen's drug usage: I suspect this will be the main point of controversy for this fic. But watch the scenes in "Road Worrier" and see how quick Helen is to dismiss Daria's question about "experimenting with...", and to put down Jake's jest about staying away from the brown acid. She's hiding something, and I suspect Daria hit a bit too close to the truth. As for Jake... well, Jake on an acid trip is just *funny*. And as a realistic author, I depict the drugs here because people do and did use such substances, but let's leave it at that. For God's sake please *don't* ingest/inhale something illegal and then blame it on me or my fan-fiction when it completely fucks you up. As a certain sage in South Park, Colorado once said: "Uh, drugs are bad... mmmkuuy?" Plotwise: I tried so hard not to turn this into "Morgendorffer Gump". A lot of effort went into foreshadowing Jake and Helen's present-day attitudes toward life and toward one another. Growing up, Jake's only values come from a dominating father and his military instructors, which he hated, so it's very likely that's what drove him to embrace the hippie philosophy so quickly. Helen, being more naturally outspoken, fits in with them better, and I reasoned that Jake's cluelessness is something she'd find cute, even attractive, when she's not completely matured, but which would later get on her nerves after years of being married to it. Sebastian was necessary to introduce conflict for Jake, to keep the story interesting. I was very careful not to have Jake "rescue" Helen from him (aside from giving up the drugs), because Helen's time and again proven to be the stronger of the two. The main difficulty I saw with this story was that you *knew* from the start how it'd end (they get married), so the ride itself had to be the primary attraction. Hope y'enjoyed it. The Dating Game: This gets more complicated with each script, and it's finally maxed out. Ready? Jake turned 18 in late-1968/early-1969 (being a Capricorn, from the "Diaries"), I guessed on the exact birthday. That means he's about 46-47 now (taking into account "Lawndale years"), either the same age as Helen or a year younger (which I see as very possible). He was born in 1950 and so was married at 25, in 1975. And I'm guessing "Mad Dog" fathered Jake around the age of 25, which would make him about 45 when he died in early 1970, and that fits the "Jake of Hearts" revelation that "Mad Dog" was already dead at Jake's age. The graduation year (1972) comes from the alumni news in the "Database", and having that one extra semester for them to hang out on the west coast clicked everything together perfectly. Now technically Helen said (in "That Was Then") that they hadn't seen Willow and Coyote in *25* years, which would have been 1972-73 (1998, subtract 25). *But*. The wedding vows in the "Diaries" mention "in the presence of friends", so I didn't think it too awful much of a stretch that Helen was just rounding off to the nearest nice round number. Who's Who: Everybody get your tapes out, fast-forward to "That Was Then". In the Pentagon flashback, the medium shot with 5 people, from left to right we have: Ryvre, Helen, Jake, Willow, Coyote. And the full-circle shot, clockwise starting with Jake: Jake, Willow, Coyote, Serenity, Sebastian, Mook, Little Flower, Yuna, Keenak, Ryvre, Helen. In the group house, on Jake's side of the table we see Keenak and Mook. The third guy, and the two on Coyote's side are other members of Keenak's family. I tried to match the characters with hippie names that "felt right". And I realize that most of them probably come across as stereotypes or caricatures, but then, so did all of the other Lanes, IMHO. Doin' the Kara Wild Thing: Okay, here's a little game for you. Browse through this script and make me a list of all of Mook's drug-induced observations and where they're taken from. Include the speaker if it's a famous quotation, and the band and song title (extra credit for the album name) if it's from a Sixties tune. The first one to correctly identify all the references wins... um... the knowledge that you're the first one to correctly identify all the references. Stuff that might have gotten past you: * Jake and Helen's first meeting is a nod to the comic-book series "Preacher", by Garth Ennis and Steve Dillon. * The things that first attract Jake and Helen to each other (Jake's silly innocence, Helen's dominating, take-charge demeanor) are the very things that have them at each others' throats in present-day "Daria". * Ryvre's taunt about the government's secret communications network refers to ARPAnet, the Internet's precursor. * Jake missing out on a bar mitzvah: Yes, I'm a member of the "Jakey's Jewish" crowd. Rather than rekindle an old thread (since there's been no solid evidence of the characters' religions on the show to date, unless you count Daria participating in Christmas on "B&B"), just write it off as fanfic speculation, and then mock me with your hideous laughter when it turns out I'm wrong. *Whew*, I think that covers it. The next one will definitely be less complicated... Beavis and Butt-Head are so much easier to write. But don't let yourself be turned off if you happen to hate B&B, there's a Trent subplot too! (Ooh! Ooh! Trent! Calling all 'shippers!) Would you like to be updated when I release new "Daria" stories and get sneak previews of what I have in store just around the corner? If so, send an e-mail and ask to be put on my Daria fanfic update list. This won't cram your mailbox full, I promise. One update a week at most. Also let me know if you want to receive new stories by e-mail, or just the announcements. Anybody got any fan art based on my fics? If so, you can send it to: C.E. Forman 6823 N. TerraVista #706 Peoria, IL 61614 U.S.A. I'd love to see it. E-mail is good too, JPEGs, GIFs or bitmaps work best. [Disclaimer: "Daria" and all related characters are trademarks of MTV Networks, a division of Viacom International Inc., and are used here without permission for the purpose of fan fiction. I suppose if you represent MTV's legal department you could sue, but think about it, what's it really going to get you? I mean, *I* sure don't have any money, and there's like fifty other people writing these fan stories, so you might as well just live with it and maybe learn to appreciate the fact that your show has such a loyal, dedicated legion of fans who care enough to write things like this. Of course, you *could* just hire us and that'd solve your problem nicely too.] [This "Daria" fanfic story is copyright 1999 by C.E. Forman but may be distributed freely in unaltered form to fans of "Daria" everywhere, provided the author's name and e-mail address remain intact. Thank you, and good night.]