"Exit Upstage Left"
by wierdgrrl
wierdgrrl@hotmail.com

Synopsis:  Quinn and Daria's cousin Lara from New York comes to stay with 
the Morgandorffers- and go to school at "Llllawndale High."  Quinn worries 
that Lauren will threaten her popularity, and Daria and Jane get a big 
surprise when they meet her.

EXT. CASA MORGANDORFFER

(Silence for a second, then it is shattered by a loud, irritating phone 
ringing.)

INT. DARIA'S ROOM

(Daria rises slowly and blinks sleepily, as if trying to rouse herself 
awake.  The phone keeps on ringing.  She looks like she will answer it, but 
is interrupted by Quinn.)

QUINN: (OS, with wall pounding noise) Dar-eee-aaaaa!  Make it stop!

(Daria lays back down and smirks, going back to sleep.)

INT. HELEN AND JAKE'S ROOM

(The damn phone keeps ringing, and Quinn keeps wailing.)

QUINN: (OS, but softer) Moooom!  Daaaaddd!  Answer the phone, please!

(Helen suddenly shoots up in bed and grabs the phone.)

HELEN:  Eric?  I can be there in- What?  Who's calling, please?   (pissed) 
Oh, hello, Rita.  What?  Stop crying, for God's sake, Rita- what happened?  
Oh, dear, you're not pulling her out of school, are you?  You want her to 
stay here?  Well, I don't know- Yes, we certainly can afford it, thank you, 
Rita.  Lara will stay here, then.  Good-bye! (looks at Jake, who's fast 
asleep)  Jake? (pause) Jake? (pause, pissed) JAKE!

(Jake wakes up)

JAKE:  Not so tough, are you, Mad Dog? (realizes) Oh, what is it, Helen?

HELEN:  That was Rita.  Lauren apparently got herself into a spot of 
trouble, and she wants her to stay here, keep her out of the big city and 
all that.

JAKE:  Lauren?

HELEN:  Rita's daughter?  You know she's about Daria's age?

JAKE:  But I don't remember seeing her at Erin's wedding-

HELEN:  That's because she was on that shoot in London, remember?  The 
model?

JAKE:  Oh… right. (doesn't remember at all)

HELEN:  You didn't know she existed, did you?

JAKE: (meek) No, Ma'am.

INT. KITCHEN

(The whole family is at the kitchen table.  Quinn is still in her bunny 
nightshirt and looks haggard.  Helen sits down and smiles.)

HELEN:  I'm so glad we can have a nice family breakfast.  (concerned) Quinn, 
are you feeling okay?

QUINN: Nooo!  Someone called this morning and no one had the decency to pick 
it up!  God, people today!

DARIA:  (disturbed) Not going to respond to glaring hypocrisy in that 
statement. (to self) Just let it slide, Daria, let it slide…

HELEN:  (brusque) That's enough, Daria, I have something I want to discuss.  
Your Aunt Rita just called.

DARIA:  Forgive me, Mother, next time I'll remember to tell her you're 
backpacking across Europe and can't be reached.

HELEN:  Very funny, Daria.  What I was going to say is that your cousin 
Lauren's, ahem, got herself in a bit of trouble, and will be coming to live 
with us.

DARIA:  Lara?  I don't remember seeing her at Erin's weeding-

HELEN:  That's because she was doing a shoot in London, remember?

DARIA:  Not really.

QUINN: Wait a minute- Lauren’s a model?  I’m related to the Lauren 
Barksdale?

HELEN:  Yes, of course, dear.  I thought you knew.

DARIA:  I don’t remember ever seeing this Lauren.

HELEN:  Well, Rita hardly ever sees her herself, she’s always so busy.

QUINN:  Oh, no!  You can't let her stay here!

HELEN:  On the contrary.  She's being sent on the next plane here, she's 
arriving tomorrow.

QUINN:  (insistent in her Quinny way) Muh-om, as a model, Lauren has a 
tie-in with haute couture.  And as vice-president of the Fashion Club, if 
she were allowed to stay, it puts my spot in the club in serious… well, you 
know, that word that means I'd have to wear sequined 80s gowns or something.

(Daria hums a few bars of the Jeopardy theme, while Helen is visibly annoyed 
by the whole scene.)

HELEN:  Quinn, I cannot believe how selfish you're being!  I'm sure Lauren 
will fit in fine and she will not upstage your popularity.  But she's 
staying and-

QUINN:  Muh-om-

HELEN: (fierce) She's staying and that's final!

(Helen stalks off and out the door, briefcase in hand.  Quinn runs 
upstairs.)

QUINN: Aack!  I've gotta get ready!

EXT. LLLLAWNDALE HIGH

MUSIC:  "Secure Horizons” by Guttermouth

(Jane and Daria are sitting outside as seen in 'Quinn The Brain.')

JANE:  So Lara's a model?  What on earth will Princess Grace do?

DARIA:  She's already in prevention mode.  Take a gander.

(Cut to Quinn standing on a picnic table in the courtyard.  She's dressed 
differently than normal, wearing a white strappy dress with pink roses on 
it.  The style is similar to the red one Rachael Leigh Cook wore in She's 
All That.   Her shoes are pink mules with a slight heel.  She also has a 
pair of pink cat's eye sunglasses on her head like a headband.  A bunch of 
guys are crowded around her, including 3J, Robert, and Kevin.)

QUINN:  Which one of you wants to take me to Chez Pierre tonight?

ALL: I do!/I'd love to, Quinn/ Oh, pick me, Quinn.

KEVIN:  Want me to take you to the mall tonight in my Miata?

QUINN:  Well, sure, I guess.

3J:  Awwww!

(Suddenly we hear a sound like horses hoofs.)

QUINN:  Um, I have to go, you guys.

(It’s the Fashion Club, running on their platform shoes.  Stacy is waving a 
magazine.  We see them from Quinn’s view.  Cut back to her as she hops off 
the table into Jeffy’s arms, and he sets her down.  She turns to the FC.)

ALL:  Quinn!/Great news, Quinn!

QUINN:  What?

TIFF:  Like… you’ll… never… guess… who-

SANDI:  Tiffany, let me.  Guess who’s coming to live in Lawndale?

QUINN:  (fearful) Lauren Barksdale?

SANDI:  Why, yes. (hands Quinn magazine)

QUINN: (reading) “Teen modeling sensation Lauren Barksdale is taking a year 
off her career in style to live with an ordinary, white-collar family in the 
small city of Lawndale, in sunny-“

(She reads the state, but she is drowned out by the FC’s jumble of voices.)

ALL:  A real model in Lawndale! /We must be on our most fashionable 
behavior! /Green sneakers are so wrong.

(Sandi struggles to be heard, and everyone calms down.  Quinn just looks 
nervous.)

SANDI:  Calm down, calm down.  As president of the Fashion Club, I call an 
emergency meeting at Quinn’s house this afternoon.  I trust there are no 
objections?

QUINN: (gulps) No, Sandi, of course not.

JANE:  My house after school then?

DARIA:  Actually, I think we may want to stick around for this.

CUT TO: O NEILL’s CLASS

(Quinn is sitting with Sandi.)

SANDI:  So, I’ll take my car with Tiffany and Stacy to your house, Quinn.  
I’d take you along, but there’s just not enough room.  You understand.

QUINN:  Of course, Sandi.

(Close up on Quinn’s face as she thinks.)

QUINN: (VO) Oh no, Lauren will be there!  I’ve got to get to the house 
before Sandi and everyone else does and hide her!

COMMERCIAL LEAD-IN:  Quinn landing in Jeffy’s arms.

END COMMERICAL BREAK

(Close-ups of the clock intercut with Quinn’s eyes going narrow in 
concentration.  The clock gets closer and closer to 2:30.  Finally the bell 
rings and the class rushes out in a mad stampede.)

MUSIC:  “March Of The Swivelheads” by The English Beat*

(* For those of you not well-versed in John Hughes, this is the song playing 
in the movie Ferris Bueller’s Day Off, when Ferris is racing home against 
his sister Jeannie and his parents.)

(Quinn runs down the hall past Daria and Jane.)

DARIA:  Hey Quinn, running for your reputation is soooo geeky! (in Tiffany 
imitation)

QUINN:  No time!

JANE:  What’s she in such a hurry for?

DARIA:  We may never know.

(Cut to Sandi and her cohorts walking through the parking lot.  Sandi trips 
suddenly.  She falls out of screen.)

SANDI: (OS) Oooowww!  I broke a heel!

(Quinn runs past.)

QUINN: Hi-guys-bye-guys!

(Sandi gets up and picks up her broken heel.)

TIFF:  Was thaaat-?

SANDI:  No time, Tiffany.  Let’s get in the car, I have some shoes I bought 
at Cashman’s yesterday in there.

(Cut to Quinn running through a hedge into someone’s yard.  She runs into a 
house.)

QUINN:  (OS) Mm, smells French!

WOMAN:  Who are you?

QUINN: (OS) Dinner’s ready!

KID:  What?

(Quinn leaps over the porch railing and runs past two guys tossing a frisbee 
in the back yard.  She stops and goes back.)

QUINN:  Hi, I’m Quinn.

GUY #1: Heyyy, you’re hot!

(Cut to Sandi, etc. driving.  The car hits something and we hear a thump.  
Sandi stops, horrified.)

SANDI:  Oh my God!  I think we hit something!

STACY:  Was it a cute animal!

TIFF:  That is sooo wrong.

SANDI:  I think it was a person!

(They all gasp.)

(Cut to Quinn leaping a white picket fence and landing on the sidewalk.  We 
see Trent’s car coming.  She runs right over the hood and Trent stops in 
amazement.)

TRENT:  Wasn’t that Daria’s sister?

(Cut to Sandi, etc. gathered around on the road.)

SANDI:  I’m scared to look!

STACY:  This is like in that movie with that really cute guy in it!

TIFF: Yeaahh.

(They peer under the car, and are shocked to see…)

SANDI:  A boot!

STACY: Ugh!  And not even a cute ankle boot even!

TIFF:  That is sooo wrong.

(Cut to Daria and Jane walking down the street.  We can see Quinn running 
behind Jane.  She runs right over Jane, which must have hurt in those 
platform shoes.)

JANE: Oww!  Those platform thingies hurt!

(Trent drives up.)

TRENT: Hey, Janie.  Hey, Daria, I think I saw your sister run over my car.

JANE:  (groan) You got lucky.

(Cut to Sandi and co. driving.  They come to a red light.)

STACY:  Hey, isn’t Quinn’s mother’s maiden name Barksdale?

SANDI:  Quiet, Stacy, I am trying to concentrate on driving!

(Quinn runs in front of them across the street.  Only Tiffany notices.)

TIFF:  Was thaaat-?

SANDI:  Tiffany, you are being awfully self-centered today.

TIFF:  Sorry, Sandi.

(Quinn runs into the house and collapses on the stairs, panting.  Helen 
comes in.)

HELEN: (puzzled) Quinn, what have you been doing?

QUINN:  Never… mind… where’s Lauren?

(We hear an unfamiliar voice talking on a cell.  A tall, thin girl with 
brownish-red hair to her shoulders comes in.  She looks not unlike Sandi, 
but with red lipstick.  She is wearing black bootcut pants, a black tank 
top, and one of those really thin-knit se through black sweaters over it.  
Yes, this is Lauren.)

LAUREN:  Tomorrow!  During working hours! (hangs up) Hey, you must be Quinn! 
  I’m Lauren!

(Quinn answers very fast.)

QUINN:  Yes, I’vebeenlookingforwardtoyourvisitI’llshowyoutoyourroom.

(She grabs her wrist and practically yanks Lauren up the stairs.)

DOORBELL: Ding-dong!

(Quinn continues with Lauren up the stairs.  They come to a door in the 
hallway.)

QUINN:  Here, this is your room. You must be sooo tired.

LAUREN:  Well, I am pretty zonked.  I think I’ll go take a nap.

(She goes in and shuts the door.  Quinn sighs, relieved, but jumps a mile in 
the air when she hears Sandi’s voice.)

SANDI:  Why, Quinn!  How did you get here ahead of us!

QUINN:  Oh, hiii Sandi!  I don’t know, I just did!

SANDI:  Whatever.  Let’s go to your room.

(Cut to Quinn’s room.  Sandi is holding two barrettes in orange and yellow.  
Everyone has on those little fisherman hats that are “in.”)

MUSIC:  “Refused Are Fucking Dead (EP Version)” The Refused

SANDI:  We must designate official hair clips of the Fashion Club, subject 
to change with the passing fashion, of course.

(Cut to Lauren exiting her room and passing by Quinn’s open door.  We see 
Sandi from Lauren’s view.)

SANDI:  Lauren could be at school tomorrow.  We have to go to Cashman’s now 
and get the most fashion forward thing we can.

LAUREN: (VO) God, yada yada fashion.  It’s like I never left New York.

(Lara steps in.)

LAUREN:  Um, Quinn, where’s the bathroom?

(The FC gasps, and their hats fly off their heads.  Quinn looks up, unfazed. 
  We see the hats have stuck to the ceiling.)

QUINN:  We have got to fix that air conditioning.

SANDI:  You’re…

TIFF:  It’s…

STACY:  It can’t be…

ALL:  LAUREN BARKSDALE!

LAUREN:  Well, yes, I am.

SANDI:  I’m Sandi Griffin, president of the Lawndale Chapter of the Fashion 
Club.  This is Tiffany Blum-Deckler, Treasurer, and Stacy Rowe, Secretary.

QUINN:  Ahem.

SANDI:  And of course you’ve met Quinn Morgandorffer, our vice-president.  
Although it’s really a figurehead position.

(Pissed look from Quinn.)

SANDI:  We would like to offer you membership as, um… High Fashion Advisor.  
Duties would be researching the latest trends and reporting on them. which-

LAUREN:  Thanks, but I’m afraid I’d be way too busy, I wouldn’t want to 
neglect my duties.

ALL:  That’s okay/I don’t mind/Whatever you want/Yeaahh.

LAUREN:  Well, I suppose… sure, why not?

ALL:  Cool/Totally/Good/That is sooo right.

LAUREN:  Well, I’d better go rest.  Jet lag, you know.

ALL:  Okay, bye!

(She leaves.)

TIFF:  Jet… lag?

SANDI:  Tiffany, shut up!  Quinn?

QUINN: (fearful) Yes, Sandi?

SANDI:  Why didn’t you tell us you were related to her?

QUIN:  Oh, I, um, wanted to uh… surprise you!

COMMERCIAL LEAD-IN: Quinn tramples Jane.

END COMMERCIAL BREAK

SCENE: LIVING ROOM

(Daria and Jane watch TV.)

ANNOUNCER:  Shin implants for frogs?  Augmentations for Amphibians, next on 
Sick Sad World!

JANE:  So when do I get to meet the infamous Lauren Barksdale?

(Lauren comes in.)

LAUREN:  Right now, as a matter of fact.

DARIA:  Hi, I’m Daria.

JANE:  Jane.  Shouldn’t you be upstairs dishing on the fashionable life with 
the

LAUREN:  Oh, I’ve had enough of that to last a lifetime!  It’s good to meet 
some normal people!

(Daria and Jane exchange ‘Huh?’ looks.)

LAUREN:  What is it with your sister?  She and her Fashion Fiends have been 
badgering me all afternoon for fashion tips!

JANE:  You’re a model.  Shouldn’t the opportunity to dish on fashion till 
the cows come home feel like an answer to your prayers?

LAUREN:  I have to do that as my life’s work.  It’s like a chore almost.  
Help me, Daria.

JANE:  You could pour fat-free salad dressing on them and stick them in a 
herd of bulimic runway girls.

DARIA:  I’ve got a better idea.  You have influence over them greater than 
parents, friends, or Waif Magazine.  Use it.

LAUREN:  You’re saying…

JANE:  She’s more than saying, she’s demanding.

(Daria whispers in Lauren’s ear, and Lauren’s grin grows wider by the 
minute.)

LAUREN:  I love it! (runs up stairs) Oh, girls!  I have a great idea!

(Daria gives the Mona Lisa smirk.)

(Use ringing school bell to segue into next scene.)

EXT. LLLLAWNDALE HIGH

INT. SCHOOL HALLWAY

MSUIC:  “Beat You Up” by the Prissteens

JANE:  What did Lauren do to those poor girls?

DARIA:  Do you have the camera?

JANE:  Yeah…

DARIA:  That’s all you need to know.

(Enter the Fashion Club, looking very dismayed.  They are dressed 
atrociously.  Sandi has on an orange slouch sweater with pink and green 
polka-dotted leggings.  Tiffany is wearing a ruffly 80s miniskirt in bright 
yellow with a matching crop top, and Stacy has on the same outfit, only her 
skirt is lime green and her crop top red and yellow zigzags.  Quinn has on a 
pair of white leggings with VPL up the ying and down the yang, and a purple 
pirate shirt.  They look none too pleased.)

TIFF:  Sandi, I don’t like these new outfits.  They’re so… wrong.

SANDI:  Lauren said this was the up and coming look, and Lauren is a model.  
I think she would know a little bit more about fashion than you, Tiffany.  
By the way, Quinn, you’ve got VPL.

QUINN:  Sandi, Lauren said visible panty lines are the new bra straps.

(They walk away.  Daria and Jane smirk, then collapse to the floor.  We 
can’t see them, but we can hear them dying of laughter.  Lauren comes up.)

LAUREN:  I take it you’ve seen the Fashion Gestapo then.

DARIA/JANE: BWAHAHAHA!

LAUREN:  Yeah, I can’t believe they fell for it.  Hey, if you think that’s 
funny, wait till you see the guy that drove them there.

(Daria composes herself and stands up.  Jane follows a couple seconds 
later.)

(Kevin walks by in his School Colors Day outfit.  Brittany is none too 
pleased.)

KEVIN:  But ba-abe, this Lauren chick told me I’d be like, fashionable!

BRITTANY:  You were out with the Fashion Club?  You told me you had to 
study!

KEVIN:  But ba-abe, I meant I was (does finger quotations) “studying.”  
Wait, that’s not god- hey, babe!

DARIA:  At the risk of your girlish figure, want to meet us at Pizza King 
after school?

LAUREN:  Two pies with everything?

(They stare at her.)

LAUREN:  What?  Do you have any idea how sick I am of celery sticks?

ROLL CREDITS AND ALTER EGOS

MUSIC:  “Junkies Running Dry” by Operation Ivy