Essay of Exile

 

by RedPanther and DragonDude

 

Rated PG for mild swearing and a gory death.

 

 

Disclaimer:

MTV Networks owns Daria.

Jhonen Vasquez owns Invader Zim.

This story is only written for entertainment purposes.

No copyright infringement is intended.

 

 

(It was a normal day for the children at Skool, despite the fact that Ms. Bitters had planned something absolutely HORRIBLE for her students.)

 

Ms. Bitters: All right, students! I am assigning you a 1000-word essay on why I should not punish you. If it is not to my standards, you will be doomed! Oh, and by the way, it is due TOMORROW!!!

 

Dib: Hey Zim! Let’s see who does better on this essay!

 

Zim: If you are implying that I will not fulfill Bitters’ demand, oh, you are wrong, SO WRONG!!!

 

Dib: And after this little competition, I’ll reveal you to the humans! (Dib walks away.)

 

Zim: We’ll see about that.

 

(At Zim’s house, GIR is watching Intestines of War II while eating uncooked Poop Corn.)

 

GIR: WHEEE-HEEE! I LOVE THIS MOVIE!!!!

 

(The phone rings, and GIR picks it up.)

 

Rob Hummel (the video store clerk): Hey man, you rented Intestines of War II fifty weeks ago! Return that movie, or you’ll have to clean the store for a year!!

 

GIR: You have the wrong number. (Hangs up.)

 

(Zim comes home.)

 

Zim: I must find some way to write this… “essay”… so I can beat Dib again!

 

GIR: PIGGGGGGGIEEEEESSS!!! An essay? Whazzat?

 

Zim: Obviously a human form of trial and torture.  I need to write it! But how? GIR!

 

GIR: (in SIR mode) Yes, my master!

 

Zim: Retrieve all data you have on “essays.”

 

GIR: (back to GIR mode)…Tacos…tacos…tacos…

 

Zim: Never mind!

 

(With this, Zim goes to the main computer.)

 

Zim: Computer! Tell me all information you have on “essays.”

 

Computer: Essays are a non-fiction form of writing, written about a main topic.

 

Zim: All I have to do is convince the Skool that I shouldn’t be punished? OK! (He starts typing.)

 

(Later, Zim is frustrated with what he’s written.)

 

Zim: Rrrrrggh! No wonder humans use this as a form of torture! GIR!

 

GIR: Yes?

 

Zim: Get the Voot Cruiser ready! We’ll need outside help.

 

(Zim and GIR are flying through space in the Voot Cruiser. Zim pulls up a screen.)

 

Zim: Let’s see…wormholes…ooh! We’ll try this one!

 

GIR: Why didn’t you ask Dib for help? He seems nice.

 

Zim: We are NOT going to ask the HUMANS for help! Especially not Dib! Did you forget that we are trying to win against him with this essay thing? No, we’ll have to use a wormhole and hope that there is someone who can help us.

 

(A wormhole opens up, and the Voot Cruiser flies through. They fly toward a planet exactly like Earth, and land near a few buildings. Zim and GIR exit with their disguises on.)

 

Zim: GIR, you guard the Cruiser while I scout the area for intelligent life.

 

(GIR just grins. Zim walks toward the building with a sign that reads “Lawndale High School.”)

Zim: Oh no! These beings are exactly like HUMANS! OF ALL THE ROTTEN…

 

???: Hey! We haven’t seen you around before!

 

Zim: Who are you?

 

Kevin: I’m Kevin, and this is Brittany. I’m the Q.B.!

 

Zim: I am Zim, and I demand your assistance!

 

Brittany: But we don’t have assistants. Do we, Kevvy?

 

Kevin: I dunno.

 

Zim: Forget it, dirty stink beasts! (Walks away.)

 

(He enters one of the classrooms.)

 

Mr. O’Neill: …And your essays are due in a week. Well, I’ll see you tomorrow!

 

Zim: That’s it! I’ll find someone here to help me!

 

(Zim walks up to a group of four girls, namely the Fashion Club.)

 

Zim: You! Frolicking dirt children! I am Zim, and I need your help.

 

Tiffany: Right you are. That outfit…is sooooo baaaaad.

 

Zim: I need no advice on attire! What I am requesting is help on an essay.

 

Sandi: As President of the Fashion Club, I will have to decline.

 

Zim: DO NOT ANGER ZIM!!!

 

Stacy: Eep!

 

Quinn: What’s in it for us?

 

Zim: Money!

 

Fashion Club: OKAY!

 

(After school, Zim, GIR, and the F.C. go to Quinn’s room to work on the essay.)

 

Zim: …Anyway, the topic I’m supposed to write about is why I should not be punished.

 

Stacy: That’s easy. It seriously damages your social life.

 

Zim: Uhh…okay…

 

(GIR starts flying around the room.)

 

Zim: GIR! Get down here!

 

GIR: No!

 

Zim: I’ll give you tacos!

 

GIR: Hmmm…No!

 

Sandi: What is your dog doing?

 

Zim: He…uh…he is going insane!

 

(GIR flies into the hall.)

 

Zim: GIR! COME BACK HERE!!!

 

(Zim follows GIR into a padded room, where a girl is typing a story.)

 

???: I’m sorry, the maximum occupancy of this room is one. Please exit on the door to the left.

 

Zim: Hey! I see you have experience in writing.

 

Daria: Well, it is hard to get through life without knowing how to write.

 

GIR: TACOS!!!

 

Zim: Help me write an essay about why I should not be punished.

 

Daria: Just say that it would not do much good to punish you, and back that up.

 

Zim: …Whatever.

 

(Zim and GIR leave.)

 

(At Skool the next day, the students nervously await what Ms. Bitters has to say about their fates.)

 

Ms. Bitters: I can not wait to see how horrible you have done, so I may think of punishments to suit all of you!

 

(Poonchy hands his essay to Bitters.)

 

Ms. Bitters: Hmm… UNACCEPTABLE!!!

 

(Army ants rush onto Poonchy and eat his flesh.)

 

Poonchy: Oh God!!! AAAAAAAGGGGGGHHH!!!

 

(Chunk hands in his essay.)

 

Ms. Bitters: Hmm…ummm…ACCEPTABLE!!!

 

Chunk: Yes! I get to live to see that dog! Hey Poonchy, have fun in hell!!!

 

(Zita hands in her essay.)

 

Ms. Bitters: (barely reading the essay) ACCEPTABLE!!! Especially on the part at the beginning that criticizes Dib!

 

Zita: Yay!

 

Dib: Hey Zim! Did ya write that essay?

 

Zim: Of course I did.

 

Ms. Bitters: Zim! (Zim hands in his essay.)

 

(Zim’s essay reads as follows: I should not be punished because YOU ARE ALL STINK WADS! I am better than you are. THE END!)

 

Ms. Bitters: That was such an elitist piece of crap! UNACCEPTABLE!!!

 

Dib: HA HA, ZIM! HA HA HA HA HA!

 

Ms. Bitters: DIB! You broke the “no laughing in class” rule. YOU WILL BE PUNISHED AS WELL!!!

 

Dib: But I didn’t even hand in my essay yet!

 

Ms. Bitters: That doesn’t matter!

 

Zim: So what’s our punishment?

 

Ms. Bitters: THIS!!!

 

(Bitters opens a warp and sends Dib and Zim inside.)

 

GIR: Piggy! Wait for me!!! (He jumps inside the warp.)

 

(Zim later wakes up by a dumpster, near Dib and GIR.)

 

Zim: Huh? Wh…where am I?

 

Dib: This is all your fault, Zim!

 

Zim: Shut up!

 

GIR: We’re by the trash!

 

Zim: GIR! Find out where we are.

 

GIR: (In SIR mode) Analyzing area… identified as “Lawndale High School!”

 

Zim: What?! NOOOOO!!! Curse you, Ms. Bitters! CURSE YOU!!!

 

 

TO BE CONTINUED…

 

 

 

ALTER-EGOS:

 

Ms. Bitters as Sephiroth

 

Dib as Zack (from Final Fantasy VII)

 

GIR as Ren

 

Zim as Stimpy

 

Daria as Gaz

 

Quinn as Yuffie

 

Sandi and Tiffany as the Almighty Tallest

 

Stacy as Skoodge

 

Kevin as Ryu Hayabusa (from Ninja Gaiden and the Dead or Alive series)

 

Brittany as Kasumi (from DOA)

 

Go to Part 2