From daniel.suni@kolumbus.fi Sat Sep 18 04:47:26 1999 Name of story: End weekend, end Story Description: Jane gets sick. Daria gets bored. Helen gets worried, and demands that Daria attends a course in positive thinking. Matter and Antimatter...? Author: Daniel Suni E-mail: daniel.suni@kolumbus.fi -------- FOREWORD: Okay, before you start reading there are a couple of things you should know: First of all - I don't live in the US. I live in Finland. This results in (at least) three things: 1) My language skills. Although I have done my best to avoid raping the language, there will undoubtedly be errors in the text. Furthermore even when there aren't any errors, the language will probably be less smooth than it would be, was it written by someone whose native language was English. This is a loss, I know, but I can only regret it, and ask you to bear with me. 2) My knowledge of US culture. I don't know a whole lot about for instance the US school system etc. There are a lot of details about every day life that I have no way of knowing, and this limits my scope. (For example - if I wanted to write a story where Daria wins on the lottery like in C.E. Forman's "Lotto Nonsense", how would I know how many numbers there are, what the age limit for playing is, and how much you could be expected to win?) 3) You are way ahead in the airings. In Finland we've only seen two seasons so far, therefor keep in mind that this story takes place *before* season three. (Yeah, I know - there are transcripts of all the episodes on the Internet, but you see I don't want to spoil the fun by knowing too much about the new episodes in advance.) Also, in order to remedy this I have tried to make this episode as "timeless" as possible. You should also know: This is my first fanfic. (Possibly also the last, I'm not a disciplined writer. I write precisely when I feel like it, and that isn't all too often.) The input (or lack thereof) I will get from this fanfic, and my inspiration (or lack thereof) will probably determine the future... Oh, yeah. One more thing. I've tried to keep everything as real as possible. My ambition when I started to write this was that, if this script would have been turned into an episode, nobody would know that it hadn't been written by someone of MTV's people. (Okay, some ambition, I know. But let me know if I even got close.) Now I guess that was about it, let the show begin... Daria in "End weekend, end" by Daniel Suni (c) September 1999 BEGIN ACT 1. EXT.: PLAYHOUSE 99 CINEMA. THURSDAY EVENING. (A large billboard on the building reads: "Sci-Fi Week") CUT TO: INT.: CINEMA (On the screen a rather poor sci-fi movie, that appears to be made on a low budget unfolds. (A starship moving through space is shown.) Right in front of the camera we see two silhouettes we recognise as Daria and Jane) ZOOM TO: (Show action on the movie screen only. We see a captain sitting in a large chair on what appears to be the starships bridge, and three other officers, one female, two male, sitting in front of various blinking consoles. The entire setting gives a cheap-Star-Trek-rip-off impression.) STARSHIP CAPTAIN: (Nervous.) Have we cleared them yet? FEMALE OFFICER: (Tense.) Negative, sir. Bandits on our six! CAPTAIN: Prepare for evasive action! MALE OFFICER #1: Aye, sir! FEMALE OFFICER: They're coming in too fast! MALE OFFICER #2: They're locking weapons! CAPTAIN: EVASIVE ACTION! MALE OFFICER #1: AYE! (An explosion is heard, the starship is shaken.) FEMALE OFFICER: There are too many of them! I can't hold 'em! (Another explosion.) MALE OFFICER #2: We're taking a pounding! (Short period of silence. The captain appears to be thinking. Yet a third explosion occurs. Flames start emanating from one of the consoles.) MALE OFFICER #2: WE'RE LOSING LIFESUPPORT!!! CAPTAIN: Prepare the lifepods! CUT TO: (Daria and Jane watching the movie, both looking bored. The sound from the movie is heard only faint in the background.) DARIA: (Turns to Jane.) And I thought the one they showed yesterday was bad. JANE: (Turns to Daria and gives a nod of assent.) U-huh... DARIA: (Ironic.) *Really* great idea this sci-fi week. JANE: Hey, you said yourself that--- DARIA: I know, I know. I said that anything is better than being at home when Quinn is there. (A powerful explosion is heard, and for a second the light output of the movie screen is intensified.) JANE: So, how much longer is she gonna' be grounded? DARIA: Just until Monday. (Beat.) Just long enough to drive me nuts. (A loud scream from the movie is heard.) DARIA: Let's split, shall we? I'd rather just stare at the pavement outside. (Jane takes a look at the screen. More screaming is heard, then she turns back to Daria.) JANE: (With conviction.) Yeah. (Both rise and start leaving.) VOICES FROM AUDIENCE: Hey!/Outta'da way! CUT TO: DARIA AND JANE WALKING DOWN THE ROAD: JANE: Wanna' come over to my place? Would let you avoid your family an extra hour or so. DARIA: Nah. I still have that history paper for tomorrow I need to put the final touch to. JANE: We could watch TV. (checks her watch) I think Babylon 5 is about to start. DARIA: Judging by the current quality of your sense of humour, the last week's movies have severely softened your brain. JANE: (Smiles.) See, ya. (Walks up to her house. Daria continues down the road.) CUT TO: EXT.: MORGENDORFFERS' FRONT PORCH (Daria walks up, opens the door. She doesn't get the door opened more than to a small crack before---) QUINN [V.O.]: Mo-OOOOOM! (Daria halts, gets a "Not again"-look. Sighs deeply, then enters.) CUT TO: INT:. MORGENDORFFERS' LIVING ROOM (Daria starts heading straight upstairs. Jake is watching TV on the couch, trying not to get involved in the off-screen argument between Quinn and Helen.) QUINN [V.O]: But, mom. This is the biggest fashion show of the *year*. You can't expect me to watch it *alone*. HELEN [V.O.]: You are officially grounded until Monday, and that's *final*! JAKE: (To Daria, as she tries to slip by unnoticed) Hey, kiddo. How was your day? DARIA: (Without stopping. Deadpan voice.) Tolerable. JAKE: (Trying to think of a way to maintain the conversation.) Uh... So, tell me about it. DARIA: (Already halfway up the stairs.) Thank you for the generous offer, allowing me the opportunity to disclose pointless details about recent events in my life. But considering the ongoing showdown in the kitchen, I think remaining in this environment for any longer period of time would seriously jeopardise this day's status as "Tolerable". (disappears upstairs.) JAKE: (To himself, slightly bitter.) Yeah. Tell me about it. CUT TO: QUINN AND HELEN IN THE KITCHEN: QUINN: *Come on* mom! Being attractive and popular is *hard work*. Being popular is not something you *are*, just like *that*. You have to continuously *renew* yourself just in order to maintain standards. The "Dior"-show will set the fashion standards for *weeks* to come! You can't *possibly* demand me to watch it *alone*. HELEN: I've already told you. You are *not* leaving the house until *Monday*. QUINN: Well, could I at least have my friends come over? Pleeease? HELEN: And just *why* is it impossible for you to watch this alone? QUINN: Mo-OOOOM! I've told you a thousand times already. To not be able to *comment* on the show with the others would be like *missing* half the show. I bet you wouldn't, like go to one of your meetings alone either. HELEN: (Not quite able to grasp the logic or the lack thereof.) What? QUINN: Pleeeeease. HELEN: (Starting to soften. Obviously Quinn has been nagging at her for quite some time.) Weeell... (Pause. Quinn smirks a bit knowing she has won.) Okay, you *can* bring your friends over.(Sighs.) CUT TO: EXT.: LAWNDALE HIGH. FRIDAY MORNING. DEMARTINO [V.O.]: ...so now that you have turned in your asSIGNments for today, let's proceed with the topic. CUT TO: INT.: LAWNDALE HIGH. DEMARTINO'S CLASS. (On the blackboard is a large heading reading: "World War II", a sketchy map of Europe with arrows pointing out of Germany. There is also some scattered text reading: "Lebensraum, Adolf Hitler, op. Barbarossa, Molotov - Ribbentrop" etc. Mr. DeMartino is standing in front of his desk. Kevin has already fallen asleep.) DEMARTINO: Now where were we? Ahh, yes. We had just got into how Hitler's RACist philosophy came to affECT the entire war. Now as you may reMEMber - those of you miserable intellectual MIDGETS who have actually been PAYING ANY ATTENTION, that is - Hitler began a large-scale expansion into the SOVIET union on June 22:nd 1941. One might think that with the war against ENGLAND going on, and the relationships between Germany and the Soviet Union still being FAIRLY GOOD, he would not have wanted yet another ENEMY to look after. (Pauses. Continues with a slightly more pondering voice) Historians have ever since the war ended pondered the question: What exactly went on in Hitler's mind? DARIA: (To Jane.) I suppose they could get a pretty good approximation by studying *his* mind. (Jane smirks, DeMartino continues) DEMARTINO: Many different THEories have been proposed, but most academics seem to agree that POLITICS were not the sole cause of this event. A very imPORTANT factor in making this DECISION, seems to have been Hitler's CONTEMPT for the Slavic people. If the Slavs TRULY were an INferior race, such as yourselves, there was no need to FEAR their military capabilities. (Pauses briefly. Notices Kevin sleeping and smirks sadistically.) So, as you can see one man's UNINFORMED DECISION can turn an entire WAR around, having great impact on the lives of millions of people. JANE: (Sees the evil glare in DeMartino's eyes.) Uh-oh. The weather forecast for the next two minutes: Prepare for *a lot* of crap hitting the fan. DARIA: I'm constantly prepared for that. This is school, remember? DEMARTINO: Now, class. I suppose you would like a CONCRETE EXAMPLE of just how uninformed decisions can affect YOU PERSONALLY. (Turns to sleeping Kevin. Proceeds with a very tender voice.) I just said to myself that it would be very nice to give this lazy moronic class ten pages of additional homework and an extra quiz next week, but I'm going to let *you* decide. So... *DON'T YOU THINK IT WOULD BE A GOOD IDEA, TOO KEVIN*!!! (Kevin startles.) KEVIN: Uh, sure thing Mr.D (DeMartino's sadistic smile widens and he chuckles evilly.) DEMARTINO: Thank you Kevin. I knew I could count on your support. KEVIN: Uh. No problem. (Someone in the back throws a book at Kevin. It hits him in the head, but DeMartino lets it pass, as this was clearly his intention.) KEVIN: (Offended. Turns around.) HEY! You th--- (gets cut off by two more books hitting him) DEMARTINO: (To the class.) NOW, class. I don't suppose ANYone out there has ANY OBJECTIONS against ten pages of extra HOMEwork? JANE: (Raises her hand to a gladiator's salute, looks right through Mr. DeMartino with a zombie-like glare.) NEIN, MEIN FÜHRER! ARBEIT MACHT FREI! DEMARTINO: (If looks could kill Jane would be instantly vaporised. DeMartino's voice is still calm, though. Too calm.) Very well Miss Lane. I won't give you ten pages of additional homework... *I WILL GIVE YOU FIFTEEN*!!! (Murmuring of disapproval is heard throughout the entire class. DeMartino looks pleased with himself.) CUT TO: INT.: SCHOOL CAFETERIA (Daria and Jane sitting at their usual table, getting ready to eat lunch.) JANE: ...so now we got all this lovely extra homework thanks to Mr. Football Hero, and my big mouth. DARIA: And thanks to Mr. DeMartino's machiavellian pedagogy. JANE: I think that man enjoys his work a little too much. I'm glad we don't live in a century where physical punishment by teachers is accepted. He'd be *way* too excited. DARIA: Actually we *do* live in such a century. It was just that sometimes in the *beginning* of this century people decided that--- (Sees Jodie approaching with an "I've got an assignment for you"-look, and interrupts herself.) Uh-oh. Bandit on your six. JANE: (Briefly checks her "six".) Evasive action. JODIE: (Still at a slight distance from the table.) Hey, you guys! DARIA: They're coming in to fast. I can't hold 'em. JODIE: (Now at the table.) I've been looking all over for you. DARIA & JANE: (Deadpan.) Losing life-support. JODIE: What? DARIA: If this is about joining some godawful extracurricular activity the answer is *no*. JODIE: (A bit offended, turns to Jane) Actually it was *you* I needed to talk to. JANE: The answer is still no. JODIE: (Even more offended puts on a frown.) Come on. You haven't even heard what I have to say and still you blow me off like that. You really have a problem with your attitude, you know. JANE: I don't have a problem with my attitude. JODIE: Not everyone would agree with you on that. JANE: That's all right. The keyword in that last phrase was *I*. JODIE: (Visibly angry) Okay! Fine! Forget about it! (Turns around and resolutely walks back the way she came.) (pause) DARIA: Good. No need to use the lifepods. JANE: (Shivers a bit. Speaks slowly.) You know I don't feel so good... DARIA: About getting rid of Jodie? JANE: No. I... don't feel well. I'm freezing. DARIA: Meaning...? CUT TO: INT.: LAWNDALE HIGH. NURSES' EXAMINATION ROOM. (Jane is sitting on the bed in the examination room. The nurse takes a thermometer out of Jane's mouth, and checks it.) NURSE: One hundred point nine. I'm going to have to send you home. Do you have a clinical thermometer at home? JANE: I think so... NURSE: You should check your temperature every now and then. If it gets too high, take an aspirin. Otherwise - just rest. (Smiles) Don't worry, these things usually blow over in a couple of days. JANE: (Tired) Um, sure. CUT TO: INT.: LAWNDALW HIGH. HALLWAY. (Daria and Jane are walking down the hallway. Jane doesn't look all that well.) DARIA: Well, at least you won't have to suffer through Mr. O'Neill's class. JANE: Mmmm... DARIA: (Slightly concerned.) You really don't feel good, do you? Did you call your brother already? JANE: Yeah. He should be here any minute to pick me up. (pause) Provided he doesn't fall asleep at the wheel and drive into a tree again. (longer pause) Well I guess this means that we won't be going to the movies tonight. DARIA: That's all right. I've had about my monthly fill of science fiction already. Besides - any movie that combines the words: "Monster", and "Outer Space" in the title is *bound* to be lame. (pause) I'll just drop by the library after school to fill up on my stock of books instead. CUT TO: EXT.: LAWNDALE HIGH. FRONT ENTRANCE. (Trent has already arrived in his car and is sleeping. Daria and Jane exit the building and start walking toward the car.) JANE: (To Daria) Look. My ride is here already. And judging by his state of consciousness he's been waiting for at least ten seconds. DARIA: Catch you later. JANE: Later. I'll call you when I feel better. (Jane enters Trent's car. Daria heads back toward the entrance. Jane shakes Trent awake.) TRENT: No, way officer. I didn't know you couldn't park here, I swear. (wakes up for real) Uh...? Hi Janey, feel alright? JANE: (Tired.) Just drive, please. (The car drives off.) CUT TO: EXT.: THE PUBLIC LIBRARY. AFTER SCHOOL. (Daria walks up to the door, but it's locked. She looks up and a sign hanging on the door reads: "Due to a serious leak in the plumbing the library is closed until further notice.") DARIA: Oh, great. (Looks up toward the sky.) I hate you, Murphy. (Walks off.) CUT TO: EXT.: CONVENIENCE STORE (Jake's car is parked outside. Hold a few seconds, then---) CUT TO: INT.: CONVENIENCE STORE (Jake has a shopping cart full of stuff in front of him. He is going through a shelf with soft drinks trying to decide what to choose.) JAKE: (As he goes through different cans.) No ... no ... too expensive ... no ... tastes like soapwater ... (On the lowest shelf he notices a sign reading "50 % OFF" He holds up a can.) Hmm... never heard of this brand. I wonder... Nah! If you never taste it you'll never know, and it's 50 percent off. (Grabs a few cans and puts them in the cart, then disappears offscreen.) JAKE [V.O.]: HEY, YOU RECKLESS KID! WATCH WHERE YOU'RE PUSHING THAT CART! CUT TO: EXT.: MORGENDORFFER RESIDENCE. AFTERNOON. SSW REPORTER [V.O.]: This is just astounding...! CUT TO: INT.: DARIA'S ROOM (Close-up of the TV, where we see the same SSW episode as in "Esteemsters".) SSW REPORTER: Here you are, blind, deaf, and barely able to walk, yet you conducted simultaneous affairs with three members of the royal family! The question on all of America's mind is: How did you do it? (Pan to Daria who is sitting on her bed looking bored to desperation. She slowly and resolutely picks up the remote and switches off the TV.) DARIA: (With a deep sigh.) Reruns... Great. [*] [*]: Is it just me, or do you agree with me that the SSW-jokes usually are funny the first time, but *only* the first time? (She flops over on her back and stares at the ceiling.) CUT TO: MORGENDORFFER'S LIVING ROOM. (The Fashion Club is watching the fashion show. On the table is a bowl of (presumably) low fat popcorn. Each member has a diet soda.) TIFFANY: Wow, that dress is just soooo cool. STACY: Yeah. TIFFANY: I wonder if it would make me look fat? SANDI: (Not wanting to hear *this* again.) But I really think she should go with shoes with lower heels. Those things make her legs look *way* too stiff. STACY, QUINN & TIFFANY: Oh, yeah!/Absolutely./You're sooo right. QUINN: And her lipstick is like too dark, or something, it's too much of a contrast... SANDI: But, Quinn. Contrast is *in* nowadays. (Competition escalating.) But, of course you've been grounded for almost a week now, and maybe haven't been able to keep up with the latest trends in fashion. (Quinn frowns, but is incapable of thinking up a suitable response.) (Time lapse effect => evening. The popcorn bowl is empty. The F.C. members have already got out of the couches and are getting ready to leave. The TV is still on and the credits of the show are running.) STACY: It was real cool of you to talk your mom into letting us come. QUINN: Yeah, well it wasn't easy but fashion club members *have* to stick together. TIFFANY: Yeah. SANDI: Say, Quinn want to come over to Cashman's tomorrow? ... (Faux embarrassment.) Oh, but I forgot, I'm sorry. You're still *grounded* until *Monday*. QUINN: (Ignoring the comment, turns to Tiffany and Stacy.) Well it was nice to have you guys over. STACY: Yeah, well see you tom... (Unintentional slip from her side.) uh... later. (The F.C. leaves and Quinn shuts the door behind them. It's obvious that she's not entirely pleased with the evening.) CUT TO: DARIA'S ROOM: (The exact same shot of Daria lying on her bed as the last time. Daria then slowly sits up.) DARIA: (To herself.) Let's see now... What are my options? One: I could go downstairs and face my crazy family. (pause) Two: I could lie here and conduct further studies of the ceiling. (pause) Three: I could... (longer pause, appears to really be thinking hard) Darn! (Lets herself flop back into her recent position.) (hold a couple of seconds) DARIA: No. This won't do. (Sits up and grabs he phone. Dials a number...) END ACT 1: (Commercial bumper: Jane putting on the "Sieg Heil"-act in DeMartino's class) [Sorry, I don't do commercials, besides the channel that broadcasts Daria here in Finland doesn't do commercials either.] BEGIN ACT 2: INT.: DARIA'S ROOM (Daria is holding the phone. We pick up just where we left off. Sound of someone picking up the phone at the other end of the line is heard.) JANE [V.O.]: (Sounds ill.) Yello-o-o-oww... DARIA: Hi. How's it hanging? JANE [V.O.]: Not too great. The temperature hasn't gone down and I'm constantly tired. I think I've slept almost as much as Trent today. DARIA: I wish I could sleep all day too. The boredom is *killing* me. JANE [V.O.]: Trust me you don't want to be in my shoes either. I woke up just fifteen minutes ago, and suddenly discovered what kind of flue this is. DARIA: I'm not sure I follow you... JANE [V.O.]: Stomach flue. DARIA: You, mean that you... CUT TO: JANE'S ROOM: (Jane is lying on the bed with the cordless phone. The red carpet she usually has beside her bed is missing.) JANE: Yeah, exactly. (pause) Trent's down in the basement washing off the carpet. [Split screen: Jane/Daria] DARIA: Ouch. I haven't had stomach flue in several years, but I still remember how much it sucked... The only upside was that I managed to pass it on to Quinn. JANE: Yeah, well I'll try to manage. So... (recalling what Daria said about boredom) you didn't find any worthwhile reading at the library? Gone through their entire stock already? DARIA: The public library was closed, because of some stupid leak in the plumbing, and by the time I found that out, the school's library had already closed. JANE: That's bad. Does that mean the only thing you can occupy yourself with for the next two days is terrorising your family? DARIA: Yes, unless I decide to take up tap-dancing. JANE: I think that would be killing two birds with one stone. DARIA: (Pretends to really think about this.) Hmmmm... [Show Jane only:] JANE: Hang on, a second. (Covers the mouthpiece of the phone, then turns toward the door with a louder voice.) TRENT! COULD YOU BRING THE BUCKET ALREADY...!? (pause) THAT'S UNLESS YOU WANNA' SCRUB THE FLOOR TOO! (Noise is heard O.S. as if someone is rummaging through a closet, after that footsteps, and very soon Trent appears in the doorway, holding a bucket. His hands are still wet, apparently he's still in the middle of washing the carpet.) TRENT: Here 'ya go sis'. JANE: (Cocks her eyebrows a bit.) Well *that* sure was fast service. TRENT: Yeah, well considering how much that carpet stinks, I don't think I wanna' do a lot of this cleaning up. (Walks off, his voice is still heard O.S.) Geez. Now I know why the cleaners get a $75 bonus for doing this kind of work at the pubs. JANE: (Back on the phone.) You know, I really don't feel good right now, could we continue this some other time? [Show Daria only:] DARIA: Sure. Um... And although I know how pointless it is to say this, as I know you are in no position to influence the course of your illness, but: ...Get well soon, okay. JANE [V.O.]: Thanks. See ya'. DARIA: See ya'. (Hangs up.) CUT TO: INT.: MORGENDORFFER'S KITCHEN. LATE EVENING. (Helen is speaking on the cordless phone, judging by her tone of voice it's probably with Eric. Jake is reading the paper at the table. Daria has decided to leave her room after all and is getting a soda from the fridge. She walks over to the table.) DARIA: Um... Dad? Don't you have that paper memorised already? JAKE: (Looks up.) Huh? DARIA: You've been reading it practically all day. Didn't you even have it with you to work? JAKE: (Laughs a bit nervously.) Well, sure... but... uh... DARIA: Never mind. (Takes a swig of her soda.) HELEN: (To Jake, (covering the mouthpiece of the phone)) Did you fix the battery already? JAKE: Huh? What battery? HELEN: (Into the phone) Excuse me. Hang on a second. (To Jake) THE BATTERY OF MY CAR, REMEMBER!? The reason you had to drive me to work this morning, and the reason I had to take the *bus* home! What the *HELL* is the matter with you?! JAKE: (Timid) I forgot... HELEN: RRRrrrrggh! (Turns her back on Jake and resumes the conversation on the phone.) (Jake sighs, puts down the paper and heads toward the garage. Daria sits down, grabs the paper and disappears behind it.) CUT TO: JAKE IN THE GARAGE: (He has popped the hood of Helen's car, and is reading the manual of the battery charger aloud.) JAKE: Step one: Remove the battery from the car. (He picks up a screwdriver and starts doing just that.) FADE TO: (A couple of minutes into the future. Jake has successfully removed the battery, and is now reading the instructions again.) JAKE: Step two: Remove the caps from the battery's cells and check the electrolyte level in each cell. (Jake removes the caps, and tries to look inside the battery from different angles.) JAKE: Aww, hell. How am I supposed to see *anything* in this light. CUT TO: THE KITCHEN: (Daria is still behind the newspaper, Helen is still on the phone, and Quinn is just entering.) HELEN: ...oh, yes ...certainly ...a-ha ...I'd love to. ...Sunday? ...ok. That's not a problem. QUINN: Mooom. Are you going to hold up the phone I --- (Helen gives Quinn a "glare of death") QUINN: (with a very embarrassed almost indistinguishable voice) ---need to... um... call, like, someone... HELEN: (Still to the phone with her "charming" voice.) Oh, nothing at all. Don't mention it... Yes, yes I already told you I would... (Jake enters carrying the car battery. He is puffing and blowing as the battery appears to be heavy.) JAKE: Geez. This thing weighs like it's full of lead. DARIA: (Without lowering the paper.) That could have something to do with the fact that it *is* full of lead. HELEN: (Covering the mouthpiece of the phone.) Jake, just *what* do you think you're doing with that!? JAKE: Well, I ---(Drops the battery on his foot. The battery tips over on the side, and some of the liquid inside it splatters on Quinn's pants.) *AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH*!!!!!!!!! (Starts hopping around on one foot.) QUINN: *EEEEeeeeewwww*! (Immediately heads over to the sink, picks up some tissues and starts wiping off the liquid.) HELEN: (To the phone.) I'll have to call you back. (Hangs up and heads after the still screaming Jake who has already hopped out into the living room.) [V.O.] Okay, okay. Calm down. I'll get some ice. DARIA: (Puts down the paper, gets up and walks over to Quinn) I don't think those tissues are gonna' do any good - that's sulphuric acid, you know. QUINN: (Thinks Daria is just smart-assing) Ha. Ha. DARIA: No, seriously. (pause) Although I would *love* to see your skin turn *red* and start *peeling* like an *onion*, I still feel it's my responsibility to warn you. QUINN: (The words "peel" and "onion" seems to get to her and she gets her typical open-mouth-panic-face.) You're *serious*?! (pause) *EEEEEEEEEKKK*!!! (Runs off to the bathroom.) (Daria is left alone in the kitchen with the battery still dripping it's acid onto the puddle on the floor. She is looking at the battery, her face totally expressionless.) DARIA [thought V.O]: Must... be... strong... (pause) Must... survive... forty... eight... hours... (longer pause) *AAAAAAAAUUUUGH*!!!!! CUT TO: MORGENDORFFER LIVING ROOM. A WHILE LATER. (Daria is sitting in the couch still sipping at her soda. Jake is sitting next to her with a bag of ice on his foot. We enter mid-conversation.) DARIA: ...so I took a pair of rubber gloves, the newspaper and some tissue paper and wiped up the acid - you don't have to worry about it. (pause) Unless the garbage man is a hard core militant environmentalist, that is. JAKE: The only thing I *can* worry about right now is my toe. (Grins) DARIA: Yes, well I think what will happen next, is that the nail will turn dark blue and then fall off. It could be painful. QUINN: (who has just come downstairs, dressed differently than before) Eeeew. That's gross. Could you talk about something else, *please*. (No response from either one. Daria drinks up the last of her soda.) QUINN: How can you drink *that*, anyway? DARIA: What's wrong with this? QUINN: Have you *ever* seen how horrible those dark circles look under the eyes, when you drink coffee? (pause) Oh! Heck! What would you know about looks anyway? DARIA: Coffee...? QUINN: Well, actually it's the caffeine. (pause) Didn't you know? That's one of those energy-drinks jocks like to have during a game, or something. Contains *tons* of calories (Shudders at the thought.) and lots of caffeine and stuff. DARIA: (Surprised) You mean this stuff contains caffeine? (Checks the label on the can.) QUINN: Yeah. One of those hold as much caffeine as... about five cups of coffee. DARIA: (Cocks her eyebrows.) FIVE CUPS...?! Who bought this stuff anyway!? JAKE: (Gets a guilty look.) Ummm... Has anyone seen the newspaper? (Daria frowns at him.) CUT TO: DARIA'S ROOM. NIGHT. MUSIC: ("Insomnia"; by Faithless) (Daria is tossing and turning in her bed, unable to sleep. She lies still for only a few seconds at a time, only to shift position, move the pillow, adjust her blanket etc. Finally she sits up and checks the time. It's 03:11 am.) DARIA: (Mutters to herself) Five cups of coffee... *Five cups*... DAMMIT! (Gets out of bed and switches on the light.) DARIA: (Still muttering.) Five cups... (She puts on her glasses walks over to her desk, and picks out an old deck of cards from a drawer. She shuffles the deck a few times, and then starts playing solitaire. She acttually looks more annoyed than bored.) DARIA: Five cups... (Time lapse effect => Saturday morning. Fade out music.) (Daria is sleeping in her bed. The sheets are all messed up, and she's been drooling on the pillow. The cards are still on the table, as are her glasses. A ray of sunshine wakes her up. She moves her head as to get away from the light, but places her cheek right in the puddle of drool. She instantly sits up and wipes her cheek. We can now see that she really *has* dark circles under her eyes.) DARIA: Yuck! (She checks the time on her alarm clock. It reads 10:44 am. She turns the pillow drooly side down and flops back onto it with a groan.) (Hold a few seconds.) JAKE [V.O.]: (Loudly. Presumably because Helen is in another part of the House.) Have you seen the big stew pot, honey?! HELEN [V.O.]: (Also loudly) No, why?! JAKE [V.O.]: I was thinking of making something special later on today, but I can't find the pot! DARIA: (Groans.) Why? Why did I think it was a smart thing to hide it? (Sounds of someone rummaging through the cupboards is heard. Someone also (presumably Quinn) flushes a toilet. After this a louder crash.) JAKE [V.O.] *AAAAAAAAAAAW* NOT THE TOE!!! GOD DAMMIT!!! DARIA: (Opens her eyes. Deadpan.) Sleeping is futile. You will be assimilated. DISSOLVE TO: THE KITCHEN. A WHILE LATER. (Jake is seated at his usual place with coffee and newspaper. (Apparently whatever it was he dropped on his foot, it wasn't *that* bad.) Helen is also having coffee, and Quinn is equipped with dry toast and water. Daria enters looking *very* tired, walks up to the fridge and grabs another of Jake's energy drinks. She then joins the family at the table.) HELEN: (To Daria, trying to make conversation.) So, did you sleep well? You look a bit tired... (Daria grunts.) HELEN: (Irritated by the lack of response.) Well, you sure are your usual sunny self. JAKE: (Without looking up from the paper, with his usual clueless cheeriness.) She sure is, honey. (Helen glares at him, but lets it pass.) HELEN: (To Daria. Tries to pick up conversation again.) So, Daria. Do you have anything planned for today? DARIA: Survival. HELEN: (To Daria and Quinn.) You know girls, I was thinking that maybe we could do something together this weekend - the whole family. (Daria and Quinn both look shocked/panic-stricken.) This is really a great opportunity. It's not often that we're all together like this ---) QUINN: But Mo-ooom! I'm already *grounded*. Isn't that enough of a punishment already? HELEN: (Sour) Quinn, this isn't a punishment. This is just--- (Phone rings.) DARIA & QUINN [thought V.O.]: Saved by the bell. HELEN: (Picks up the phone.) Hellooooo... No, not at all... Hmmm... (checks her watch) Well, I guess I could do that... No, it won't be a problem... Okay, bye. (Hangs up. Turns to the girls.) I'm afraid duty calls. But, I'll be sure to make it up to you some other time. QUINN: (Innocent) Oh, that's all right... DARIA: (Deadpan (how else?)) I'll mark it in my calendar. JAKE: (Lowers the paper. Again cheery as ever.) Hey! I've got an idea. Why don't we all do something together today - the whole family. (Daria and Quinn exchange "well, duh"-looks and Helen gives him an angry glare.) JAKE: What? CUT TO: DARIA'S ROOM. (Daria is on the phone. She looks a bit more awake now.) DARIA: So? Feeling any better? (Cut screen: Daria/Jane) JANE: Well, the temperature is coming down, but I threw up three times last night, so the answer would have to be no. DARIA: (Disappointed.) Bummer. JANE: Yeah. I did however have a real cool fever dream I've just *got* to paint when I get well enough. I was standing inside a tree, and there were like these *giant* hot-dogs flying around it, and the yellow sky just--- (Show Daria only, as Quinn opens the door to Daria's room and peeks in.) DARIA: Hang on a second. We have an intruder alert, and I must immediately cleanse the ship of an alien presence... QUINN: Are you gonna' be on the phone long? I, kind of hafta call someone. DARIA: (Covering mouthpiece) I just got *on* the phone. Now getoutta'here. QUINN: Come on, like who would want to talk to you anyway? (pause) You're not even grounded. Why don't you, like, go hang out with that weird art freak or something? I *have* to use the phone. Talking to my friends is, like, the only thing I can do here. DARIA: (Frowns.) Well I'm on the phone *now*, 'cause I, (imitating Quinn) *like*, feel like it. Now *beat it*! QUINN: Come, on! You don't know how frustrating it is to be attractive and popular *and* grounded. The phone is, like the only thing I've got. (Overly melodramatic.) It's my *lifeline*. It's the only thing that can keep me in *contact* with the *world outside*. Without it I just--- (Close-up of Daria. Quinn keeps babbling in the background. Daria's frown deepens.) DARIA: (Into the phone.) The intruder is not responding to verbal stimuli. I will now proceed to engage in acts of physical violence. (Daria puts down the phone, and starts walking resolutely toward Quinn. Quinn catches on and quickly makes an exit, slamming the door shut behind her. Daria walks back and picks up the receiver.) DARIA: Mission accomplished. (Sighs) You know, I think that fever dream of yours was more realistic than Quinn ever will be. (Split screen: Daria/Jane) JANE: She wanted the phone, right? DARIA: Yeah. JANE: And she wanted it because *she* is an attractive and popular person who re-e-eally happens to need it, right? DARIA: As usual. JANE: (Upbeat.) Well, look at it this way. This is a great possibility. Hold on to the phone for as long as you can, and drive her nuts. DARIA: Desperately trying to find the silver lining? (pause) No. For some reason it's just not working. I barely slept last night, and it seems that I'm the one who gets the most pissed off by the interaction between me and Quinn right now. (pause) Quinn is the only one who's actually grounded, but it could just as well be me too. I have absolutely nothing to do, and nowhere to go, and I've just come to realise precisely how dull my life is. JANE: Yeah, well lying here like a sack of potatoes regurgitating your own bile every few hours, isn't exactly something worth celebrating either... And Trent - the moron, decided he wanted to have *meatballs* for dinner yesterday. Have you ever smelt *fried* meatballs when feeling nauseous? DARIA: Okay, you win. I still wouldn't trade places. (pause) Listen. I'd love to sit here and complain about how miserable everything is, but let's save some of the fun for school, shall we? JANE: Roger that. DARIA: Bye. (Hangs up. View stays with Daria.) (Daria flops on her back and stares at the ceiling.) [Begin montage sequence] MUSIC: "Fire water burn"; by Bloodhound gang -Closeup of Daria's hands as she plays solitaire -Daria sitting, looking out the window -Closeup of Daria's hands: She places a coin on its edge and spins it. We see the coin spin until it lies flat on its side, she then picks it up and spins it again. -Daria lying on her back apathetically observing the ceiling -Daria bouncing the skull she has in her room off her padded walls and catching it -Daria sitting on her bed writing something in a notebook (pan camera angle until we see that:) She's playing tic-tac-toe against herself [*] -Daria flinging a paper plane across the room -Daria flipping through the channels on the TV -Closeup of Daria's hands: She is building a house of cards. It collapses after just five cards. -Daria lying on her back, repeatedly throwing a pencil in the air over her head, and catching it. She misses the third catch, and the pencil hits her on the forehead and drops to the floor (Pause. Fade out music.) DARIA: (Still holding her hands as if to catch the pencil. Very flatly, without changing the expression on her face a bit.) Ouch. [End montage sequence] [*] No, not the totally brain dead version where you're supposed to get three in a row. I was thinking about the (slightly) more intelligent borderless version where you have to get five in a row. CUT TO: EXT. MORGENDORFFER RESIDENCE. LATE AFTERNOON/EARLY EVENING: (Helen pulls up in Jake's car.) CUT TO: INT. MORGENDORFFER RESIDENCE. THE LIVING ROOM: (Jake is watching TV and Quinn is on the cordless phone as Helen enters.) JAKE: Hi, honey! Back so soon? HELEN: (Stressed/irritated.) I'm not back soon. I've been gone six hours! Don't you notice--- (pause) Oh, what the hell. (Sighs and changes the subject.) Did you fix the battery already? JAKE: (Embarrassed.) Eeh... No. I need to refill the acid, but I don't think there are any automotive shops around here that are open on Saturdays. (Quinn sees what's coming and makes a strategic retreat into the kitchen.) HELEN: (Annoyed.) *You don't THINK*!? Well, did you *check*? JAKE: Eerrr... No. HELEN: (Angry.) DAMMIT, JAKE! Why can't you *ever* take charge of even the *simplest* of situations? I *need* that car! And all the time while I'm working, what are *you* doing?! YOU'RE SITTING ON YOUR ASS WATCHING TV! JAKE: (Cowering.) Uuuhh... HELEN: Oh, hell. Never mind. (pause) Have you seen Daria? JAKE: Uh, no. I think she's in her room... HELEN: (Mutters as she heads upstairs.) You *think*... END ACT 2: COMMERCIAL BUMPER: (Cut screen: Daria spinning the coin/Daria getting hit on the forehead by the pencil she tossed) BEGIN ACT 3: INT.: MORGENDORFFER RESIDENCE. OUTSIDE DARIA'S ROOM: (Helen walks up to the door and knocks.) DARIA [V.O.]: Sorry, you've got the wrong number. HELEN: Oh, please Daria. (There is no response so she opens the door anyway and enters. Daria is sitting on her bed. On the opposite side of the room she's placed three pencils on the edge. She has a rubber band strapped around two of her fingers and she is using it to shoot paper clips at the pencils. Just as Helen enters she shoots a clip, but misses. Helen gives her a concerned look.) HELEN: Umm... So what have you've been up to today? DARIA: Well, I've survived. So I guess my mission objectives for today have been met so far. HELEN: (Very cheery.) Well, I just want to tell you I've got some good news. DARIA [thought V.O.]: Aww, hell! [Out loud]: Did Quinn bust out of the house despite her grounding and got run over by a garbage truck? HELEN: (Irritated.) No. It's--- DARIA: The computer system at the military base of Murmansk finally collapsed and the missiles are three minutes away? HELEN: (Very irritated.) NO! Please, will you for once just listen? (pause Continues calmer.) The company is arranging a short seminar tomorrow. It's actually only for the employees, but I asked Eric, and he said it was okay if I brought one of my daughters with me. They've hired a lecturer for the day, and I really think we should seize this opportunity. Especially *you* could use it. DARIA: (Incredulously.) Exactly *what* is this seminar, that I could have so much use for, about? Unless it's about the disposal of younger siblings I seriously doubt I'm interested. HELEN: Daria, please. Is that really the only thing on your mind? DARIA: (Smirking.) Yeah, well do you remember how you always talk about the importance of *focusing* on something, and not giving up until you've accomplished that goal. HELEN: ("Oh please"-tone of voice.) Daria. DARIA: (Face back to normal.) But I think I'm about to give up on this one... HELEN: (Pleased.) Well good--- DARIA: ...because I don't think that true evil ever can be defeated. HELEN: (A bit of despair in her voice.) Daria. DARIA: (Already in full swing.) So, if the exorcist I hired today can't handle this, I really don't know what to do... HELEN: (Really ticked off.) Daria! Do you really think that implying your sister is *possessed* is a demonstration of good taste?! DARIA: (Playing innocent.) Possessed? Well... actually I expected her to dissolve into thin air, or something like that. HELEN: DARIA! I'M SERIOUS! DARIA: (Notices she's pushed her mother's temper a bit to far.) Um, okay. But you still haven't told me what the seminar is about. HELEN: (Calms down a bit.) It's something that hopefully will help you overcome this attitude of yours. (pause) It's about *positive thinking*. DARIA: Excuse me? Aren't these seminars usually about denying important facts about reality in order to be able to keep up one's spirits, thus producing a short term mood lift only to be followed by a long term depression resulting from a clash with reality, made inevitable by the partial denial of the same? HELEN: Please, Daria. You've never been to one of these seminars. You shouldn't pass judgement just yet. DARIA: Yeah, well I haven't been to a whole lot of concentration camps either. Does that mean I can't condemn the events that took place in Auschwitz? HELEN: ("Oh, please"-voice again.) Daria. DARIA: Besides, I've got other plans. HELEN: Oh, yeah? Survival, again? Knocking over pencils with paper clips? (Makes a gesture toward the pencils.) And what's this? (Grabs the paper on which Daria played tic-tac-toe, from under a heap of playing cards. She glances it over, and gets a worried expression. Continues with a concerned voice.) Daria. Do you really call this "other plans"? DARIA: (Caught a bit off guard.) Um... Yeah. HELEN: Please, Daria. (Takes another look at the paper.) Do you really think this is *normal*? DARIA: (No longer off guard.) Define "normal". HELEN: (Her turn to be caught off guard.) Well, you know... I mean... You know what I mean. DARIA: (Cocks an eyebrow.) No I don't know. (pause) If you by "normal" mean "to be like an 'average'(finger quotes) person", being normal simply means "having no personality of one's own". If you on the other hand define "normal" as "being capable to exist in the society we live in" I can't see how *that* (points to paper) would classify me as abnormal. (pause) Or did you perhaps have another definition of "normal"? If so, please feel free to share it with me. HELEN: (Realises she has to take a different approach.) Daria I really think this seminar would be good for you. (Looks at the rubber band between Daria's fingers.) Especially if you don't have anything better to do. DARIA: Okay. Let me put it to you this way: I don't *want* to go. I don't *want* to attend a seminar on positive thinking because: One. (holds up a finger) I want to do my *own* thinking, and not have someone *tell* me how I should think. Two. (raises another finger) Although I've never attended a seminar, I *have* read a book on the subject, and most of it was so stupid that even playing tic-tac-toe against oneself must be considered an intellectually stimulating activity compared to *that*. HELEN: (Starting to run low on options.) Daria, couldn't you humour me just this once? DARIA: *Could* - yes. *Would* - no. If I'm going to do something stupid and pointless tomorrow, I at least want it to be my own stupid and pointless thing, but you go on... I know you'll do fine without me. (Shoots a paper clip and knocks over a pencil.) HELEN: (Ticked off by the response places herself between Daria and the pencils.) That's it! I'm not *asking* you to come any more, I'm *telling* you! DARIA: (Dryly.) Yes, well having my own will overridden by brute authority is certainly going to work wonders enhancing my positive thinking. HELEN: And don't give me any more of that lip either! DARIA: (To imaginary third person.) Hear that flushing sound? That's the first amendment going down the drain. HELEN: Why do you always have to be against everything? Why do you always *force* me to use authority? (pause) Look, I've tried to be reasonable... DARIA: (Frowns.) Reasonable? Is the most important rule about being reasonable never to let logic override parental authority? HELEN: (Her mood has been hanging from a thin thread throughout the entire conversation, and now it finally snaps.) THAT'S IT! I'VE HAD IT! YOU *ARE* COMING WITH ME TOMORROW, AND YOU'RE *GROUNDED* FOR THE REST OF THE WEEKEND!!! (Storms out and slams the door behind her.) DARIA: (To the closed door. Ironic voice.) Awww, grounded. I can almost feel the difference already... (Shoots another clip at the pencils.) DISSOLVE TO: EXT.: MORGENDORFFER RESIDENCE. SUNDAY. AROUND NOON. (Helen and Daria exit the house, and start heading toward the car. Daria does not appear to be in a hurry.) HELEN: Come on. Get moving. We're gonna' be late. DARIA: (Mutters.) And that would be a *real* tragedy. CUT TO: HELEN AND DARIA IN THE CAR. (Helen looks cheery, and tries to "lighten up" the mood by using her overly cheery voice (the one she uses with Eric). Daria looks grumpy, and is looking out the window in the opposite direction of her mother. We enter the scene mid-conversation.) HELEN: ...and I've heard a lot of nice things about the lecturer. They say she's got a very charismatic personality and that she really knows how to talk to people. DARIA: (Not turning away from the window.) Just like Hitler. HELEN: (Pissed.)*Daria*! (Gets her act together. She's supposed to be cheery.) Please. Trust me, she is *not* like Hitler. Seriously, Daria: I think you really need this. You really could be more positive. DARIA: I'm positive this will suck. HELEN: (Sighs deeply.) *This* is precisely what I mean. (Shakes her head.) DISSOLVE TO: A ROOM PRESUMABLY IN THE SAME BUILDING AS HELEN'S OFFICE. (Some desks, tables and chairs have been dragged in there, and the setting instantly brings a school class to mind. There are about 20 - 30 people in the "class". We recognise at least Helen's secretary Marianne. Most seats are already taken when Helen and Daria enter and they have to settle for two places a bit apart in the front row. The lecturer (a woman in her forties) is just getting ready to start.) LECTURER: Well, now that everyone is here, let's get started, shall we? Why don't we start by introducing ourselves? Let's all state our names, and I also want you to share one reason to be *happy* today, with the rest of us. (pause) I'm Mrs. Shearer, but you can call me Thelma, and I'm very happy to meet so many new and interesting people today. DARIA [thought V.O.]: And even happier after you've lifted your paycheque for this seminar. THELMA: Now, why don't *you* start over there. (Points to a fat guy in a suit sitting at the very back of the room.) FAT GUY: Hi, I'm Carl, and I'm happy because just this morning I discovered that I've lost 3 pounds. DARIA [thought V.O.] Yesss! Only fifty to go... THELMA: That's *great* Carl! Why don't we all give Carl a big hand? (People start applauding. Daria rolls her eyes - this is going to be a loooong day.) (Time lapse effect => Daria's turn to present herself. She's last because she's in the front of the room.) THELMA: Okay, (turns to Daria) last one. DARIA: (Deadpan.) I'm Daria Morgendorffer, and I'm very, very happy this presentation is over. (Someone in the back snickers. Helen glares at Daria. Thelma is at first taken a bit by surprise, then decides to play along and laughs a bit nervously.) THELMA: Okay, lets get down to business, shall we? (pause. She leans against the desk. Then starts talking with a steady self-confident voice.) As you of course know, we are here today to learn about positive thinking, and the benefits of positive thinking. We'll also talk about how to ward off those (makes a pathetic "droop the corners of one's mouth"-gesture) *negative thoughts*. In other words: We are simply here to learn how to become more optimistic.(pause) Now, then. Let me ask you a question: Why do you think that so many people just go through life looking gloomy and depressed? After all, nobody *wants* to be a pessimist... DARIA [thought V.O.]: Don't bet your life on it. THELMA: Let me tell you why: People far too often let themselves be *distracted* by the *small* irritants of life. People *let* these small things ruin their day, because they *focus* on the negative instead of the positive. It seems that some people can forget all that is good and beautiful in this world just because they happen to spill out their coffee one morning. (Daria raises her hand.) THELMA: (Turns to Daria.) Yes, miss Morgendorffer? DARIA: And just how do you know "these people" (finger quotes) aren't depressed because just being able to drink coffee every morning isn't enough to make them *forget* all that is wrong and miserable in this world? (Helen shoots an angry look at Daria as she says this.) THELMA: Experience, my young lady, experience. (Daria doesn't appear to be quite satisfied with the response, but she lets it slide anyway. Thelma doesn't give her a lot of time to think up a response either, but proceeds quickly with the lecture.) THELMA: Now anyway, my point is that when we feel a bit "down in the dumps" or stressed out the fault very often lies in our own perspective, not in the situation as such. What we need to do is to defeat our own uncertainty about what *we can do*. The uncertainty is what causes the mood to drop. We look at the situation from an "I can't handle this"-perspective and we get stressed out. (pause) Fortunately there is something we can do about this. We can quit underestimating ourselves, and start using our full potential. (pauses, then points with both hands straight at the audience) *You* can do this by realising that you are *special*, and that there are virtually no limits to what you can do. (pauses, but doesn't have time to resume before---) DARIA: Excuse me, but how do *you* know *I'm* special? You don't even know me. THELMA: (Doesn't notice the trap.) Because *everyone* is special, and *everyone* has this potential deep within. DARIA: Well, if everyone is special then what does it actually *mean* to be special? If a concept expands, as to include *everything*, the concept can therefor mean *anything* and thus it has become useless for describing anything *at all*. (pause. Nobody seems to get it.) You see the common definition of "special" is "something out of the ordinary", but if everyone is "special", then you have just altered the definition of the word and thus made the whole argumentation obsolete. (pause. Nobody still gets it.) My point is: If everyone is special then you can pick any random wino off the street and call him "special" - and don't get me wrong - this is probably true provided you mean that "nobody is exactly like him". This form of "special", however can *not* be used as an argument that he, or anyone else is "almost limitlessly capable". (Some people seem to start pondering. Helen looks like she wants to strangle Daria, but she is too far away. There is an awkward moment of silence, then Thelma realises she's got to say something.) THELMA: (With a voice that indicates more cover-up than understanding.) Well, of course if you put it that way. And that is just why we're here today, to learn how not to identify ourselves with, for instance a wino, but rather to realise our full potential so that we can make use of it in order to ward off negative input. (pause) Now, you see we need to realise that *everybody* is a winner and that we simply can not--- (Fade out her voice to a mumble in the background. Close-up on Daria who gets a "Well duhhhhh"-look.) DISSOLVE TO: HALLWAY OUTSIDE THE ROOM WHERE THE LECTURE IS BEING HELD. RECESS. (People are exiting the lecture room. Some people give Daria weird looks.) HELEN: (Very, very pissed) I can't believe you did that! DARIA: (Expressionless.) And why is that? HELEN: (Ignoring Daria, just ranting about.) Insulting Mrs. Shearer that way! DARIA: Well, she deserved it. HELEN: Deserved to hear that: "If stupidity was a felony, you'd be doing twenty to life for that one."!?!? DARIA: Well, she had just tried to prove her point by using an analogy taken *completely* out of context, and then--- HELEN: I know, what she said, but why couldn't you just try to listen to her instead of criticising everything she says? DARIA: Because if I automatically accepted everything I heard without--- (Helen interrupts her again. She doesn't want a debate, she wants to get this off her chest. Daria frowns at her because of this.) HELEN: Now promise me that you won't keep this up during the next lecture. DARIA: I will promise no such thing. HELEN: You're embarrassing me in front of my colleagues. (pause) It's lucky for you there aren't as many here as I expected. DARIA: (Frowns.) Maybe they're smarter than you think, avoiding *wasting valuable time* this way. (Helen frowns back, and they glare at each other for a couple of seconds.) CUT TO: INT.: MORGENDORFFER'S RESIDENCE. THE LIVING ROOM: (Quinn is on the phone, and Jake just enters.) JAKE: (Cheery) Hi there Quinn, you know I was thinking that maybe we could--- QUINN: (Covers the mouthpiece. Whiny.) Not now! I'm on the *phone*. (Gets up from the couch and heads up to her room. Jake looks unhappy and finally he flops down on one of the couches.) JAKE: (To himself. Sounds depressed.) Why can't I just admit it: I'm no good with the kids. Helen is the only on of us who's really got this down. (pause) Right now I bet she's having a wonderful time with Daria... CUT TO: HELEN & DARIA GLARING AT EACH OTHER JUST AS WE LEFT THEM. HELEN: (Ice cold.) I'm warning you. If you pull something like that again I *will* ground you for a month. DARIA: (Colder than ice cold.) We'll see. CUT TO: THE LECTURE ROOM. (Everyone is seated. Helen and Daria exchange cold looks. Thelma looks a bit nervous.) THELMA: Well, in this second part of this seminar, we're going to learn a bit about how to keep up the spirits in your surrounding. The way we act, and the things we say affect people around us, and they in turn affect us back. By being positive, you can set a good example, and pull other people with you creating a *positive* chain reaction. (Makes an upward spiralling gesture.) Now the first, and most important rule is: "If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all." (pause. Turns to Daria.) I think we could start practising that right away, and I think that miss Morgendorffer would be an excellent candidate. (pause) So? Do you think you could put this into practise? DARIA: Hmmm... I don't know. My mother suggested the same thing two years ago, but after five weeks of silence she said it was still better if I just said *something*. THELMA: Pardon me, for asking, but *what* exactly are you doing here? Most people attend these classes because they *want to learn* about positive thinking. DARIA: Well, you really have to talk to my honoured counterpart on the prosecution (gestures toward Helen) if you want the details on that one. But I *have* however learned *something* about positive thinking. THELMA: Oh? And that is...? DARIA: That it's an oxymoron. (A loud crack is heard. Everybody turns to where the sound came from. It's Helen who's been squeezing a pencil harder and harder until it broke. She glares at Daria, and looks absolutely furious. She opens her mouth as if to say something.) DARIA: (To Helen.) Hold it just a moment. If you can't say anything nice... (smirks) CUT TO: DARIA AND JANE WALKING TO SCHOOL. MONDAY MORNING. (We enter mid conversation...) JANE: ...so she grounded you for *three* months? DARIA: Yeah, but I expect to be out in three days. JANE: How's that? DARIA: Well, my mom grounded me when she was furious. After she's calmed down she'll realise that the punishment is both unfair and excessive. (pause) And if she doesn't... Well... Have you ever heard me play "Don't worry, be happy" just a tad off-note on the harmonica? JANE: Okay, three days... That's all right. I probably have to look after Trent for that long anyway. DARIA: You mean he got it too? JANE: Yeah, first he thought it was a hangover, then he realised he hadn't been drinking. (pause) I wonder if I should have pork-chops for dinner today? (pause) DARIA: Well, it's cool that you're okay so soon anyway. JANE: Yeah, why be sick on schooldays when you can be it in your own time? (pause. smirks.) Your mother would be proud of me. ---CLOSING CREDITS. COMMENTS: Hmm, well it seems to be a custom among fanfic writers to write some comments about their story afterwards, so... Let me first whine a little about how hard it was ;-) Well, it was. I already explained about the language, if you've read this far you probably see what I mean... It was a struggle all the way - especially Daria's lines were a pain to write as a very elaborate use of language is a part of her character. I hope I didn't do too horrible. I also had some trouble with the plotline itself. As it turned out I changed almost the entire script from what I had originally meant it to be. (I had originally planned for Jane to be in some other town for an art contest, and for Helen to make Daria see a shrink.) I ditched the shrink because I just couldn't work with him and I ditched the contest because it was a bit too much like "Arts 'N crass". (On reading through the finished story I realised that the third act actually was a lot like C.E. Forman's "To Helen back", but by then I had already spun so much of the story around the seminar that there was no turning back...) Daria in focus: This of course was a *very* Daria-centred episode. There are two reasons for this: 1) This is my first 'fic, and I didn't feel like experimenting with parallel plotlines etc. There isn't even much of a subplot in this story - it's actually just the plot with some occasional "padding" scenes. 2) Daria is the character I'm most comfortable with. (Not counting the language part.) I have a very hard time to figure out lines for Quinn, the F.C. etc., and even if I can figure out lines for them, there is no way I can make them funny as well. The only time I think their lines are really funny is when they're used the same way I used Thelma's lines in this story: As cannon fodder for the big guns o' sarcasm. (Even the professional writers doesn't quite seem to have got that last part down. At least I find the Quinn/F.C.-centred episodes much less enjoyable than the Daria/Jane-centred ones.) Daria herself: I got the idea for a concept like this after I had watched "See Jane run". I asked myself the question: What would Daria do if she was unable to hang out with her friend because of some reason more "every day", than a disturbance in the relationship? Answer: Read. New question: And if that for some reason wasn't possible? Hmmm... Interesting... Boredom of Titanic proportions: This is something I expect would be a lot funnier if actually seen on TV instead of just read as a text, but I put it in anyway because 1) [Are you getting tired of these numbers already? :) ] This *is* after all a film-script-wannabe, although I skipped most of the camera angles etc. in order to improve readability. 2) A very important part of the humour in Daria lies IMHO in the way one is able to relate to her, and who hasn't been utterly bored at some time? Positive thinking: If you guessed that I'm no fan of positive thinking, self help-courses, and stuff like that you guessed right. I have read a few books on subjects like these, and most of them were so stupid I was literally ROTFLOL. They should be called self deception-courses instead. One of them for instance suggested that the reader should stand before a large mirror and tell himself that "I can carry out great deeds!", and other moronic stuff like that. Whew. I mean, give me a break. A bit on Helen: I tried to bring out a bit of the inner controversy in Helen. On the one hand she's a genuinely concerned parent, on the other she's not very good at parenting, and especially when there are colleagues around, her career gets top priority. She doesn't have a lot of patience either, and authority seems to be the natural way for her to deal with everything if the "asking nicely"-approach fails the first time. This time, however it kicks back on her. Teenagers are notorious for this and I suspect Daria would be different only in the *way* she kicks back at authority... Well, guess that's it... Hope you enjoyed the story. Thank you for your patience and good night. BORING DISCLAIMER: "Daria" and all related characters are trademarks of MTV Networks, a division of Viacom International Inc. The author does not claim copyright to these characters or to anything else in the "Daria" milieu, he does however claim copyright to the storyline within this work of fiction. This fanfic may be freely copied and distributed provided the contents remain unchanged, provided that the authors name and e-mail are included, and provided that the distributor does not use the story for monetary profit. [But, hey let's face it. If you could make money with this, you'd really be one hell of a salesman :).] HOW TO CONTACT THE AUTHOR: (What? Are you still reading? Okay, then) Author: Daniel Suni E-mail: daniel.suni@kolumbus.fi Snail mail: Karistimentie 2 D 110 00920 Helsinki 92 FINLAND