"Daria" is owned and copyrighted by MTV. All rights reserved. This is *not* an episode, but the best imitation of an episode that I could write. Thanks to the creators of "Daria" for providing so much rich material for fanfics.... This is the fifteenth episode of The Driven Wild Universe. It follows 1) "Rose-Colored Lenses," 2) "The Tie That Chokes," 3) "That Thing You Say," 4) "'Shipped Out," 5) "Andrea Speaks!", 6) "Cheered Down," 7) "None in the Family, Part One," 8) "None in the Family, Part Two," 9) "Outvoted," 10) "Of Absolute Value," 11) "Breaking the Mold," 12) "Surreal World," 13) "Erin the Head," and 14) "Primarily Color." This is probably a 3S, although at this point, I've lost track. The name of this fic comes from an Edith Wharton novel, _The Age of Innocence_. That story chronicled a time in the 19th century when New York was "old" New York, before the new money came in and messed with the social order. I wrote this as an unofficial follow up to C.E. Forman's fanfic "Fireworks," which chronicled Jake and Helen's early romance set against the backdrop of the 60's. Towards the end, there's the following exchange: JANE: So what the heck happened? I mean, how'd you go from capitalism- fighting peaceniks singing "Blowin' in the Wind", to middle-aged, mortgage- paying nine-to-fivers? JAKE: (Chuckles.) Well now, *that*, Jane-O... is another story entirely. This is that story. Enjoy! Ten Spot Promo: The watch in the corner ticks to ten as some guy stands in front of the refrigerator, trying to figure out what to eat. And they call this a promo?? [intro theme music...................] THE AGE OF CYNICISM -- by Kara Wild ACT ONE SCENE 1 (Morgendorffer house, noon on a Sunday) (Daria lounging on her bed in her room, the cordless phone pressed against her ear. She wears her usual deadpan expression, but with an edge of worry.) JANE: (from the receiver) What's the problem, amiga? DARIA: Nothing. So Aunt Amy's not my biological mother after all. JANE: And you *weren't* the product of a torrid love affair between Helen and a man who obviously wasn't Jake. DARIA: Damn normal life. (Intercut between her and Jane.) JANE: You mean to tell me *this* is how your parents have forced you to spend Sunday? Reliving priceless childhood memories which you couldn't possibly relive because you weren't *alive* yet to have such memories?? DARIA: Even more frightening: This was one of their better uses of quality time. (makes a face.) It only gets worse from there... (Dissolve to an earlier scene of the four Morgendorffers sitting around the kitchen table, shortly after breakfast. Jake and Daria read the paper; Quinn flips through an issue of Waif. Helen, of course, has the cordless phone welded to her ear and is listening intently to the speaker on the other end.) HELEN: Mmm-hmmm... mmm-hmmm... Oh we're *so* happy for you. This is just *wonderful* news! (laughs a wee bit uneasily.) And twins... are you sure? (Pause) Oh, how... wonderful! (Daria lowers the paper ever so slightly, wearing a skeptical expression. The forced nature of her mom's enthusiasm has not escaped her.) HELEN: Well we'll give you *all* the support you need over these coming months. (Pause) All right... all right. Now you take care of yourself. Bye. (hangs up the phone.) JAKE: Wow, Eric's having twins? (raises a thumb.) Way to *go*, big man! HELEN: Eric?? Don't be silly, Jake: Eric's not *married*. (She laughs a little too hard at this one.) DARIA: Your point being? HELEN: That was *Erin*. Our *niece*. (forehead creases with concern.) She's pregnant. DARIA/JAKE/QUINN: (frowning, recalling the events in "Erin the Head") Mmmmmmmmm... QUINN: Eww! You mean she's gonna be all *bloated* for nine months?! DARIA: And that's the part she'll remember most fondly. HELEN: (rolling her eyes) *Honestly*, Daria. DARIA: After daily doses of shrieking and nights of insomnia drive her into the mental institution. HELEN: (firmly) Erin will be a wonderful mother. I'm sure of it. JAKE: *Yeah*, kiddo! And ol' Brian'll learn how to be a great dad! DARIA: And just what is your basis of comparison? JAKE: Well *hey*: we figured out how to raise *you*, didn't we? (Daria regards him with a deadpan expression.) Didn't we?? HELEN: Of *course* we did. (looks at Jake and giggles a little, then glances at Daria with a distinctly maternal expression.) Oh God, Jake, do you remember what we went through the months before we had Daria? The high hopes, the anxiety --? JAKE: The want ads, the empty bank account... (chuckles, then glances at Daria with the same expression as Helen.) DARIA: (VO from the present) The looks. The minute I saw them, I knew I was trapped. Unless... QUINN: We're *not* gonna sit here and talk about *Daria* are we?? Gaaawd! Why does *everything* have to be about her?! Why can't we talk about *my* upcoming birth?? (Helen's eyes trail away thoughtfully as wavy lines appear, indicating another flashback. When they disperse, we see her several years younger, seated on an examining table. A doctor stands beside her.) DOCTOR: Well, Mrs. Morgendorffer, it looks as though another one's on the way. HELEN: (clearly panicked) A *second* child?! But I just had the *first* one! This can't be true -- it's going to *completely* ruin my five-year plan! (Dissolve to Helen of the present. She laughs uneasily.) HELEN: (to Quinn) Oh-ho, sweetie: we'll have *plenty* of time for that. But for now... DARIA: (thought VO) Damn. (Dissolve to flashback once again. A rusty brown Chevrolet station wagon, obviously dating back to the late-60's, obviously second-hand, chugs along the road. A "Carter/Mondale 1980" sticker is spread across the bumper. Helen and Jake sit inside, appearing as they looked in late summer, 1980. Helen has Farrah Fawcett hair, while Jake's hair has been tamed down from its '70's fro. As Jake drives, he whistles to John Lennon's "Imagine," which plays on the radio. Helen looks as though she has just sucked poison.) HELEN: (insincere) Who'd have thought that Keenak and Seren-- I mean, Calvin and Vanessa -- could have *such* an adorable child?? JAKE: Yeah, I'll say. (chuckles, imitates a child's speech.) Hi-hi, Unkoo Jakie. I wuvoo. Pull ma finger. HELEN: It's just such a shame that his parents have... you know. JAKE: Sure do. (Bt) What? HELEN: Sold *out*. (sighs heavily.) After five short years, they've become pawns of the Establishment. *Morgaged*, credit card debts -- JAKE: (getting angry) Damn Calvin and his *neat-o* Japanese car! (He pounds the steering wheel, causing the horn to blare.) HELEN: (sighing) Just *what* sort of legacy will they be passing on to their kid?? At least you and I can take *pride* in our lifestyle. (As she says this, the station wagon pulls up in front of a brown stucco apartment complex. It looks in desperate need of renovation, from the sagging roof to the gravel "driveway" in front. Helen and Jake climb out.) HELEN: (determined) We're the same people we always were. Our principles haven't changed since our Middleton days, have they? JAKE: (to himself) Wonder if old Cal'll know how *I* could swing a car like his...? (Cut to a later shot of Helen and Jake in what appears to be a combined kitchen and living room. The walls are covered in peeling wallpaper that is an absolutely putrid shade of yellow, while the carpet is brown shag. Only from the Seventies. Helen paces around with the phone to her ear, dragging a super-long extension cord. Jake lounges on the frayed avocado green couch, reading the newspaper. Helen then stops and lays the phone back on its hook. She walks over to the couch and leans over it to look at her husband.) JAKE: (reading an article) *Music* television?? Like *that'll* ever catch on! HELEN: (reflective) Jake... (motions to him to lay the paper aside.) I was thinking: What if *we* had a child? JAKE: Hey, that'd be *neat*, honey! But there's no way that would happen. HELEN: Why not? JAKE: Because don't you remember what you said? That we couldn't have kids until *I* found myself a job and your career took off?? HELEN: Oh, well *yes*, but... JAKE: I'm still looking for work, and your career's nowhere *near* where you want it to be. (Helen looks irritated.) (Cut to shot of Helen and Jake still later, lying in bed. The sounds around them indicate that their walls are paper-thin and that their neighbors have strange habits. Crashing noises can be heard from one corner, accompanied by shouts of anger. From above, we hear an old stranger singing wobbly, and off-key, "Rock With You" by Michael Jackson.) JAKE: Heyyy, the Singing Man finally chose something current! (thumbs up.) HELEN: (trying to ignore it) Uh-huh. (leans closer to Jake, touches his hand.) Jake? About what I said... JAKE: Hmm? HELEN: About us waiting to have children until *after* we'd met our career goals? Well... goals *can* change. JAKE: What do you mean? HELEN: (straining to find the right words) Well... when you see that a greater good could be met... you, um, realize that your own *personal* goals don't matter qu-- JAKE: What are you trying to say, Helen?? HELEN: I want to have a baby. (Beat) JAKE: Ah. HELEN: (insistent) I think we could be *good* parents, Jake. We'd do better at instilling our child with core principles than Calvin and Vanessa. JAKE: Yeah. I could teach our kid a thing or two about the ol' game of baseball... HELEN: To stand proud, be independent-minded, not give in to authority. JAKE: And basketball, and how to shave and how to ask a girl out... HELEN: To carry on the Revolution. When you think about it, it's almost a sin for us *not* to have a child. JAKE: Unlike *some* fathers who never EVER taught their sons ANY of those things! HELEN: So what do you say? JAKE: (taking her by the hands) Let's DO it!!! (Helen leans closer, and she and Jake start making out. The Singing Man's chopped-up rendition of "Rock With You" gives way to the actual song. The screen fades to black.) JANE: (VO from the present) Soooo... if I understand correctly, your parents decided to have kids because their *friends* were having kids? DARIA: (VO) That's the gist of it, yeah. (cut to: ) SCENE 2 (Helen and Jake's bedroom, later) (Helen and Jake lie in bed, after the "spice." Helen has rolled over onto one side, while Jake lies on his back with his arms folded beneath his head.) HELEN: (tired, but glowing) Won't it be *exciting* to watch our child grow up and develop a mind of his own? I wonder what he'll be like... JAKE: (determined) Not like *me*, that's for damn sure. I'm not gonna treat my kid the way Dad treated *me*. I'll be a *much* better, father! HELEN: I'm sure you will, Jakey. JAKE: (suddenly disquieted) But how? HELEN: One thing's for certain: We'll make sure our child doesn't get brought down by the terrible malaise that's been gripping this country. He or she will be an *optimist*. JAKE: (scowling) Lousy hostages. *Damn* that Carter. HELEN: Jake! Carter's on *our* side. It's Reagan we should watch out for. (As she says this, she snuggles up against him.) (Return to Daria and Jane in the present.) JANE: How long did you stick around? DARIA: Until they started weighing in on the merits of cloth versus disposable diapers. (makes a sour face.) They haven't even noticed I'm gone. (Suddenly there is a knocking on Daria's door.) DARIA: (to Jane) *Hold* on. (to the door, deadpan.) Yes? QUINN: (OS) Open *up*, Daria. We have to talk! DARIA: About what?? QUINN: You *know*! (She pushes open the door and stalks into the room, looking pouty and angry.) DARIA: Believe me, I haven't forgotten. QUINN: (covering her eyes) I can't *believe* this! Ever since they said it, it's all I can think about. JANE: Believe *what*? DARIA: (to Quinn, a little defensive) Hey, don't think *you're* the only one who was pissed off. It was *me* they were talking about. QUINN: Well it was *me*, too! (Just then Helen and Jake pass by the doorway, their nostalgia trip temporarily suspended. They overhear the last of this exchange. Helen comes back and pokes her head in.) HELEN: (reasonable) Quinn, honey, I think you're making *much* too big a deal -- QUINN: Don't even *talk* to me, you-you... traitor! (sees Helen's expression.) Um, I mean Mom. JAKE: (coming in) Yeah, come on you guys. (chuckles) What's in a name?? DARIA: A snowjob by any other name would still blow. (Cut to brief shot of Jane, sitting in her room, the phone still to her ear. She's listening, intrigued, the way one would listen to a radio mystery.) JAKE: What do you mean, kiddo? DARIA: You were going to name me Quinn. QUINN: You gave *me* a second-hand name! HELEN: (weary) Oh girls, I really don't think -- DARIA: Were there no strung-out rockers' names you could use? QUINN: Wasn't I important enough to deserve my *own* name?! HELEN: Of course you were! You got that name because it fits you. You *both* got the name that fits you, and that's all that counts. (Daria's expression darkens slightly. She's not sure she likes Helen's explanation.) HELEN: (gentler) Are we okay now? (Quinn gives her a noncommittal shrug.) DARIA: (leaning back, coolly deadpan) "Quinn" doesn't sound very much like a hippie name. JAKE: It's not. (to Helen) Is it? HELEN: (mild exasperation) Not everything we did came straight out of _Hair_, Daria. DARIA: But from what you said this morning, you were all about passing on your earthy values to your progeny. So what happened? How did you betray the Cause? HELEN: We never "betrayed" the Cause. We just... well, it was complicated. JAKE: We were young when we had you. Young and naive. HELEN: And we'd just entered the Eighties. DARIA: Always the decade's to blame. *Bad* decade. For shame. HELEN: (exasperated) Believe me, Daria, you're not wrong. When your dad and I left the commune in '75, we were determined to keep its spirit alive, but challenges arose in front of us. And come 1980, the world as we knew it would change forever. DARIA: The Eighties started in 1981. HELEN: Change into *what* we didn't know. But more and more, the world seemed to be moving away from what *we* valued toward... (cut to: ) SCENE 3 (Barksdale residence, afternoon) (Close-up shot of an older man, around sixty years of age.) HELEN: (VO from the present) ... what men like my father valued. HOWARD: (deep and gravely, with a hint of warmth) I'm telling you, Helen Anne: You have absolutely no idea what you're in for. (It's now autumn of 1980, and Howard Barksdale is sitting with his wife, Evelyn, and Helen and Jake around a tea table on a roofed porch. The porch looks out onto the Barksdales' backyard, which resembles an English garden. Howard reaches for a cream-filled pastry, but before he can, both Evelyn and Helen reach forward and lightly slap his hand.) HELEN: *No*, Daddy. Your heart! EVELYN: (stern) Dear, you *know* what the doctor said about your cholesterol. (Howard glances at his wife and eldest daughter, smirks slowly, then holds up his hands in a mock "Stay away!" manner.) HOWARD: You women. (chuckles) If you two have your way, I'll survive to one hundred on carrot sticks and *spring water*. JAKE: Yeah, *women* (laughs loudly.) Can't live with 'em, can't live without 'em! Right, sir?? (Howard turns to Jake and stares at him for several seconds. Jake's face takes on a nervous expression. Then Howard smirks at him and claps him on the shoulder.) HOWARD: *Right*, you are. (Jake's nervousness gets replaced by shock; this is the first time his wife's father has ever responded *positively* to anything he's said, and his touch feels no less meaningful than the pope's. Helen has noticed this, too, and is encouraged.) HOWARD: (to Helen, more serious) Raising a child costs money -- a lot of it. Food, clothing, shelter, doctors' bills, birthdays, Christmases, and the occasional gift when dear Daddy feels generous. HELEN: (sighing) Dad, we don't need a lecture. HOWARD: (smirking a little) Of course you do, sweetheart: What are fathers for? HELEN: Why do you keep acting like Jake and I haven't thought this through? We'll be raising our child to be self sufficient. We don't *need* a lot of material goods. HOWARD: No, but you will send him to college, won't you? Expenses are through the *roof* these days -- it's nearly bleeding Mother and me dry to put your baby sister through. HELEN: (sarcastic) Which I wouldn't know anything about, since I only paid my way through *three* years of law school. HOWARD: All right, true. But it'll only get worse, and at least I've got the family business to fall back on. How is your peace and love and froo-loo-loo going to get you *anywhere* by the end of the day? HELEN: Because peace and love mean everything in this world, and you *know* it! (She says this with a tired, irritated air -- this is not the first clash she's had with Dad, and it will no doubt end in the same stalemate.) And just what exactly *is* this "froo-loo-loo" you're referring to: a new singing group?? (Howard did not expect this retort and his face registers surprise. Then he bursts into chuckles and reaches over to muss Helen's hair. Helen can't resist smiling, as she usually does with "Daddy." Evelyn, meanwhile, reaches past Jake and lays another cucumber sandwich on her daughter's plate.) EVELYN: (no-nonsense) For heaven's sake, Helen, you act as though you'll just lay the baby over your shoulder and go about your life as usual. A child will *change* you, change everything around you. HELEN: Just because my plans don't resemble *yours* before you had me, although I'd say you're the *last* person who should lecture anyone on-- EVELYN: Don't start that again. HELEN: I'm just saying that over the years, I logged plenty of man hours looking after Rita and Amy, so I think I know a little something about parenting. EVELYN: Well I *certainly* hope you won't give your young one the same "loving care" you gave your sisters. HELEN: They weren't my children. I would love my child. EVELYN: (a bit nasty) Let's hope so, dear. (Helen bites her lip to contain her rage, while Jake sips his tea nervously.) HOWARD: (to Helen) Are you still the sole breadwinner? HELEN: Well *yes*, but -- HOWARD: Hasn't your husband made *any* attempt to look for employment?? (His tone of voice grows colder and harder as he speaks.) HELEN: Yes. My husband (thought VO) whose name is *Jake* and who is sitting right over *there* next to you (aloud) has. He had his own *very* successful organic papaya juice business not too long ago -- JAKE: Successful?? That's not what you sai-- HELEN: *Jake*. (makes an "Ixnay" gesture.) But, um... it finally went under. Through *no* fault of his own. HOWARD: (leaning back, reflective) Hmph. It takes a lot to keep a business afloat these days. Unless it's mine: I've got more work than I know what to do with. JAKE: Congratulations, sir! HOWARD: And don't think every Tom, Dick, and Hippie who thought he could *dream* his way through the last decade doesn't realize it. (with some satisfaction.) They've all come begging on hands and knees to work for me. JAKE: Hmmm... (He looks sheepish, but thoughtful.) EVELYN: (to Howard) And just what you *don't* need when you're nearing retirement. HOWARD: (grunts) If I see *one* more granola-eating yahoo in my office... (Jake continues to daydream while the conversation carries on around him.) (cut to: ) SCENE 4 (driving home, later) (Jake drives, looking animated. Helen looks exhausted.) HELEN: Of *all* the cities in America, my job had to move to one near my parents. (She sighs.) I love them, I really do. It's just that they'll never *get* us. JAKE: (not paying attention) Get what? HELEN: *Jake*. JAKE: (scrambles) I mean... you're nothing like your mom! HELEN: Thank God. JAKE: (under his breath) *Whew*. HELEN: I mean for her to imply that I couldn't love a child?! I just don't understand why she and Dad have to undermine my confidence when it comes to the most important decisions of my life! JAKE: Aw, honey, your folks aren't so bad. (proud) I think your dad and I are really starting to hit it off. HELEN: Daddy *did* seem a lot nicer to you this time around. Maybe he's finally seeing all the wonderful things *I* see in you. JAKE: Yeah! And maybe we can do some guy-bonding over a round of golf, or something. HELEN: Jake, when did *you* learn to golf? JAKE: Oh, um... (sheepish) In military school -- *yeah*! I was forced to learn, and hell I've practically forgotten *how* it's been so long since I've done it. I mean golfing is the *Man's* game. (laughs uneasily.) HELEN: (VO from the present) And no one was more the "Man" than my father. (cut to: ) SCENE 5 (Helen's law office) HELEN: (VO) Fortunately, I didn't have to deal with him every day. (The office interior is casual, even a little sloppy, with stripped-down walls exposing piping near the ceiling, shag rugs strewn about the floor, beanbag chairs set up for clients, and desks scattered about the room.) HELEN: (VO) I was lucky enough to work for one of the most enlightened public interest law firms in the D.C. area. High-minded, egalitarian... QUINN: (VO) You know, I think the sort of pain I'm feeling now can only be cured with a credit card. HELEN: (VO) Now Quinn -- QUINN: (VO) Or I could start crying. Again. HELEN: (VO, irritated) Jake, give her your platinum. JAKE: (VO, whines) Why *my* platinum? HELEN: (VO) Just do it! (Jake grumbles in the present.) HELEN: (VO) Where was I? DARIA: (VO) Selfless humanity? HELEN: (VO) Oh. Yes. (Helen's 50-something year-old boss, Mr. Matthews, pours fruit juice into a mug and holds it up in a toast. Reflecting his history as a beatnik/hipster, he still wears granny glasses and long sideburns.) MATTHEWS: Here's to you, Hel-cat, creating the next generation to carry on the Revolution! (Helen and her half-dozen male coworkers hold up mugs of their own. Helen blushes a little, but is obviously pleased. She clicks mugs with the people around her, then gets a slightly nauseous expression upon tasting the drink.) MATTHEWS: I can't wait for you to bring the little firecracker in. We'll take the kid under our wing, make 'im the mascot or something. COWORKER: (to Helen) Got a name picked out yet? HELEN: Oh, no, it's a long, complex process. Not something someone just stumbles upon. DOUG: (distaste) So when do we start piping in _Mr. Rogers_ tunes? (Helen glances at her coworker, a casually-dressed man in his early 30's, no different looking from any other person in the office.) MATTHEWS: (scowls) Now don't be bringing any bad vibes in here, Douggie -- I'm feeling way too copasetic. We're all family and family doesn't resent helping family. Hel-cat's future belongs to all of us. Her kid could be the next president. Or Abbie Hoffman. Whichever. You get me? DOUG: Sure thing, Mr. Matthews. MATTHEWS: All right, then. (He takes a sip of his drink and makes a face. The rest of the office has covertly distanced itself from the berry mix.) MATTHEWS: Brrr, I never could take this fruit glop. Who wants some java? (Unanimous approval from the other coworkers. On cue, Helen heads toward the coffee maker. Before she can, her boss puts an arm around her.) MATTHEWS: I'll brew the pot this time, Hel-cat, don't you strain yourself. HELEN: Thank you, sir. (He leaves, and Helen returns to her rickety wooden desk nearby. She takes the contents of her mug and, after a moment's hesitation, pours it into the dirt of a floor plant. Out of the corner of her eye, she sees Doug pass by on the way to his desk.) HELEN: (annoyed) Doug, what the hell was that?? You think I'm just going to bring the baby to work with me every day? DOUG: Relax, Helen, I just can't get too excited over someone who's leaving. HELEN: Someone who's *what*?? DOUG: Hey, you're due in, what, six months? What woman stays in her job when she's got a kid to raise? HELEN: *This* woman. Honest to God, Doug, you're as bad as a Young Republican. Haven't you heard that a woman can have a career *and* raise a family?? DOUG: Yeah. I just didn't believe it. HELEN: Well it's a good thing Mr. Matthews doesn't think like you. DOUG: Oh say, could you give me the file for the Miller case? (Frustrated, Helen turns to the file cabinet at her back and rifles through the files, before silently handing it to him.) Thanks, hon. (He goes over to his desk, and Helen glares at him with an expression that slowly lets in a little dread.) (cut to: ) SCENE 6 (city sidewalk, weekend) JAKE: (VO from the present) As for me, kiddo, I wanted to learn how to be the best dad possible. (Jake and Helen walk past several couples with children. Jake looks at a father bouncing his baby with an expression of longing and melancholy.) JAKE: (VO) Problem was, how could I be the best when I didn't even know what "good" was? I sure as hell wasn't a breadwinner... (Helen glances at a stroller in a store window, then does a double-take at the price.) HELEN: Um, Jake honey, how's the job hunting coming along? JAKE: Oh great! I've got the inside track on a new spinach juice business about to open up. (Helen's smile fades a little.) And Ned has me doing some consulting. HELEN: Consulting? JAKE: For papaya juice businesses. It's what I know. HELEN: Which ones? JAKE: Well... none so far. But I'm sure that'll... anyway, Ned told me he never saw such a tidy desk. (Helen exhales deeply, her smile strained.) HELEN: Jake, don't take this the wrong way. But have you considered expanding your horizons? JAKE: (surprise) You mean go against my beliefs? HELEN: *No*, no, I mean maybe broaden your *definition* of what's ethical. I'm sure you could find work in businesses that, um, manage to turn a profit. JAKE: But Helen, most of those businesses are for corporate suits! I don't want to be that type of person! If I can't respect myself, how's our kid supposed to respect me?! HELEN: (irritated) Jake, you *know* I would never make you -- just think about what I said, all right? (Jake gets a pouty, put-out look, but as they walk in silence, his expression grows troubled, like he's afraid to admit that Helen's advice makes sense.) JAKE: (VO) If I didn't know how to raise a kid and couldn't provide for one, what did I have left? I finally went to the only person who could help... (cut to: ) SCENE 7 (outside of Howard's office) (Jake glances nervously at the golden "Charles Howard Barksdale, Jr." nameplate on Howard's closed door. He then turns to the secretary, who is trying frantically to type, book lunch reservations, and organize client files at the same time. Several seconds pass before she sets down the phone.) JAKE: Um, hi? (He looks at her nameplate.) Mrs., er, Williams, remember me? WILLIAMS: Goodness, you're still here? I told you-- JAKE: That Mr. Barksdale had meetings, I know. Then I asked what I could do to help and you had me go into the back room and pull out all of the client files from '75. WILLIAMS: That was two hours ago. JAKE: I just finished. Hope you don't mind if the pages are a little bloody. (Mrs. Williams shudders minutely.) JAKE: Damn sharp corners... WILLIAMS: Well thank you, Mr. Morg... Morgen.... JAKE: Morgendorffer. WILLIAMS: Mr. Barksdale just finished his last meeting for the afternoon, so he ought to be free. (She hits an intercom button.) Sir? Your daughter Helen's husband is here to see you. (long Pause) HOWARD: (from the intercom) Send him in. (cut to: ) SCENE 8 (Howard's office) (Howard sits at a large mahogany desk, bent over paperwork. Seeing his father-in-law in a formal three-piece suit, like someone out of a 1940's bank advertisement, Jake tugs self-consciously at his loud yellow shirt with the butterfly collar.) HOWARD: (without looking up) How are you, Jacob? JAKE: Fine, just fine, sir! HOWARD: Is something the matter with Helen? JAKE: No, no sir! She's great, beautiful, really, really great. HOWARD: Can't argue with that. Don't just stand there gawking -- have a seat. (Jake scrambles over to one of the chairs and sits down. It is the type of chair that is low to the ground, forcing Jake to stare up at his father-in-law.) JAKE: Sir, I... well what I wanted to ask you was... I mean if it's not too much... HOWARD: Let me save you the trouble: You want a job. (Jake's face brightens.) HOWARD: No, that can't be. (A cruel smirk crosses his face, as he stands up and strolls over to the window.) You and Helen wouldn't care for any job *I* could offer -- dull, steady executive work, with paychecks big enough to support a family. (Jake's eyes widen with anticipation.) HOWARD: Other hippies maybe, but not you -- you keep your flower power values so close to your heart. What would someone who lives off of Mother Nature want with a job selling aluminum siding to homeowners? JAKE: I'm really not *that* close to Mother Nature. She gives me hives. HOWARD: Not like Rita's husband, David. He's as conventional as they come -- went to Vietnam, got a Purple Heart and a Bronze Star, then went to work here in an entry-level manufacturing position before pulling himself up to the rank of manager for our entire Mid-Atlantic division. Fine boy, that David. Might end up passing the whole business on to him someday. But you wouldn't want that. JAKE: (brightness fading) Um... HOWARD: Besides, I don't know if there's room to fit any *more* sons-in-law on the payroll. (He turns to look at Jake.) So if you don't want a job, why are you here? (His smirk widens as Jake fidgets, his face a deep shade of red.) JAKE: I -- well, I... HOWARD: Come on now, speak up: I'm meeting my business partner for a round of golf and I'd like to leave sometime today. JAKE: Sir... what I really... HOWARD: (losing all patience) Speak up! Jesus H. Christ, boy! I don't know how you got any woman to notice you, let alone my daughter, if you can't say one intelligent sentence! JAKE: (soft, quick) Sir, what I wanted to ask is if we could have a talk, a few talks maybe, about what it's like to be a father. My father and I never got along, but your daughters seem to really love you, at least from the way Helen talks, and I... I... I... (Sweat runs down Jake's temple and he breathes rapidly. Unable to think of anything else, he cringes, half-expecting Howard to order him out of the office. But Howard's face is one of wonder and surprise -- he hadn't anticipated this request.) HOWARD: Yes, of course... I should have realized. Need someone to guide you on the right path, do you? (As Jake nods, continues in a resigned tone.) You don't have a neighbor, or a family friend who could fill that role? JAKE: No, sir. (Howard lets out a short, disappointed huff.) HOWARD: Then I suppose... I could find some time. Over golf... or a shot of something strong. JAKE: Yeah-HOOOOO! (He jumps upward, knocking his chair backward with such force that on Howard's desk, a picture frame collapses. Howard smiles with grim tolerance.) JAKE: (VO from the present) With your grandfather looking over my shoulder, I knew I'd succeed somehow. All the pieces of the puzzle were falling into place. That just left one important thing. (cut to: ) SCENE 9 (Helen and Jake's apartment, evening) (Helen and Jake sit in their living room, each holding a baby book. Several more are scattered around them.) HELEN: How hard can it be to choose a name? *One* name? JAKE: (grumbles) Fifty freaking baby books hard. HELEN: Just a boy's name and a girl's name. That's all we need. JAKE: What's wrong with a family name? HELEN: Because our child will a separate, original being who deserves her *own* name, not to be named after her grandmother like I was. JAKE: Oh yeah?! Well there's *no* way in hell I'm naming him after Mad Dog! HELEN: Would you just look, please?! (They each focus on a list of names.) JAKE: (murmurs) Daisy... Danielle... Daphne... Darcy... HELEN: Oh, Jake! I've got it! I think this is the one! (Jake rushes over to her from the chair and looks over her shoulder.) HELEN & JAKE: *Quinn*. HELEN: It sounds good with Morgendorffer. And last names as first names are very in these days. JAKE: (practices) Hi, *Quinn* Morgendorffer. HELEN: It's sharp, positive, stands out, says "I can make a difference." JAKE: Hey, and it works as a boy's *and* girl's name. All right, we're done! JAKE: (VO) So anyway... kiddo? (cut to: ) SCENE 10 (Daria's room, present) (Daria stares at her parents with hard, yet injured, eyes. Quinn is gone, having left to spend her bounty at the mall.) JAKES: What's wrong? DARIA: Nothing. Except that you've answered my question. Why my name isn't Quinn. HELEN: (sighs) Daria, there's a lot more to it than that. (Daria stands up.) DARIA: This has all been very entertaining and I'm sure you like having your romp down memory lane, but I have things to do. (Without another word, she leaves the room. Helen and Jake exchange looks of concern.) **************** END OF ACT ONE [Shot of Helen and Evelyn reaching over to slap Howard's hand at the table.] ***You are now entering commercial *HELL*. Please keep your seatbelt securely fastened. You are about to see some of the lamest commercials put on television.*** 1) "Next Wednesday, on the Ten Spot: Just when she thought she was out, he pulls her back in. Quinn gets more proactive with math than she *ever* thought possible, but is it all for the best? Catch it next week, on an all-new 'Daria.'" 2) Sliding in a Commercial Heaven, one of my favorite series of ads is the one for Cingular where people's cell phones just cut off after they relay some critical news and the silence leads them to think the worst. It captures very well the frustration most of us (in the United States, at least) feel regarding our cell phone service. Unfortunately, Cingular's brilliant ad people do not also make the phones or tend to the network, because Cingular is part of the *problem*, not the solution. I would switch carriers in a heartbeat, but I'm locked into my contract for another 1.5 years. 3) By contrast, a series of ads past its prime is for the Geico Caveman. It was novel once or twice, but they've taken the "Prejudice Against Cavemen" idea to its natural end. (And that's not even considering that it's been tapped to be a television show.) No matter how clever those ads try to be, they don't make me think of insurance, for cars or anything else. ***You are now leaving commercial *HELL*. Aren't you happy you survived?*** ACT TWO SCENE 1 (Pizza King, later) (Jane and Daria sit at their usual booth. Jane eats while Daria fiddles with her straw.) DARIA: Anyway, my sister's the one who would've ended up with the raw deal. JANE: Yeah, by the time she'd be born, all the *good* names would've been taken. DARIA: She'd be left with Eunice, Gretchen, Zelda, Dilda... JANE: (smirking) And *those* are just the names you can say *without* shuddering. (pats the table.) So *cheer* up. So you were going to be named Quinn. You could have gotten a much *worse* name, y' know, like something recalling the glory of the Sixties. (makes a face.) Sunflower Lucretia Healing Wild Fire Janet Spring Rose Lane. DARIA: Must be a nightmare to fit on an official form. JANE: Nah, I just abbreviate. Sluhwff-juzzurrll. Betcha can't say *that* three times fast! DARIA: And thus I won't even try. JANE: Hmph. (more serious.) But the point is, your name is *Daria*. Not Quinn. Daria. DARIA: (sighs) That's just it. To tell you the truth, Jane, I've never really liked my name. There was always something heavy and repressed about it, like it was meant for a six-foot German governess with a unibrow. And now I know that I got it because my parents saw something in me from the very beginning that was soul killing, prepared for defeat. JANE: I think you're reading a *little* too much into this. Why don't you go ask them? (Daria's face registers fear that her thoughts will be confirmed.) (cut to: ) SCENE 2 (Morgendorffer house, mid-afternoon) (Daria opens the door, her body language minutely conveying her distress. She proceeds toward the stairs, just as Helen finishes a phone call with Eric in the living room.) HELEN: (sees her) I'll talk to you soon. (chuckling) *All* right, Eric. Bye. (hangs up.) Daria? DARIA: In the name of creative control, I will now be called "The Girl Formerly Known As D." HELEN: Do you want to talk about it? DARIA: Where's Dad? HELEN: He went after your sister to make sure that in her anger, she wouldn't go on some wild spending spree. DARIA: And? HELEN: (weary) He just called me from the car lot. DARIA: Glad it worked out. HELEN: She's just test-driving *not* buying. Now *come* on, Daria, if there's anything you need to say *tell* me. DARIA: (flat) What's the point? It won't change anything. All you and Dad did was remind me that I'm not the kid you wanted me to be. Which is something I've always known. But just when I think that *maybe* you've started to accept me for who I am, I get slapped in the face with reality. Again. (Helen's face grows thoughtful.) HELEN: Maybe it's *true*, but I -- (shakes her head, pleading.) Daria, come down. That may be part of the truth, but it's not the *whole* truth. Just let me explain. (Daria turns around to look at her mom, curious. She doesn't move.) HELEN: Don't you at *least* want to know how you got your name? (Daria takes a moment to consider. Then she nods faintly and joins Helen on the couch.) HELEN: I'll admit, your father and I were a bit pretentious with regard to raising children. Okay, *I* was pretentious. You weren't real to me yet, just something that I could pin my hopes on. It took a few months for me to realize that I wouldn't get everything I wanted for you... (Dissolve to flashback. Helen rushes up to the wall of the living room and bangs it hard with her fist.) HELEN: RONALD REAGAN?! JAKE: We demand a recount! Stupid MOCKING T.V.! (He jumps off the couch and gives the screen a fierce kick. But given that he is in his socks, he yelps with pain.) HELEN: (disbelief) That man represents everything we're against. Anti- women, pro-bomb, anti-union, pro-wealthy...! JAKE: I'll bet that's not even his real hair! (Helen rests her head against the wall, unable to take it in. Suddenly the phone rings. Helen picks it up.) HELEN: Hello? Vanessa? (Pause) Oh, I *know*. It's disgusting! Carter was supposed to pull it out, and instead we get *this* -- a landslide! What is happening to our country?! (As she listens, she glances down pensively at her swelling middle.) HELEN: (VO from the present) And for the first time, I didn't see you as someone I would raise to change the world. I wondered what kind of world I was bringing you into. (Dissolve to later. Helen stands in the bathroom, just off of the hallway, near the living room. She splashes water on her face, but mainly just stares at her reflection.) T.V. COMMENTATOR: (in the background) President Carter has just conceded to Mr. Reagan, after being beaten 489 to 49 in the Electoral College... HELEN: (VO) It was a lot to chew on. If I couldn't be sure of the world we were facing, how could I be sure of *anything*? Including whether my child would fit my expectations? And if you didn't, could I handle it? What if my mother was right: What if I couldn't love my own child? (cut to: ) SCENE 3 (golf course, afternoon) (Close-up of a golf ball being struck quickly and cleanly. It soars high into the distance and disappears out of sight. Howard watches it go with pride, Jake with awe.) HELEN: (VO) Meanwhile, unknown to me, your father was spending more and more time with my father. HOWARD: Right onto the green! These new clubs practically do the work for you. You see what tax cuts can buy? (He says it to Jake with a raised brow and a smirk, clearly pleased by the election results. Nervous, Jake practically nods his head right off.) HOWARD: And there will be more where that came from. With the money you save, Jacob, you and Helen should start a college fund. Don't wait. JAKE: Oh, I won't, sir! (worried) H-how expensive did you say it would be again? HOWARD: Just relax and keep your eye on the target. (Jake edges down into a nearby sand trap, where his ill-fated ball has sunk into the grains. Taking a deep breath, he puts his head down, the head of his club against the ball.) HOWARD: (instructs) Easy... keep your head down. Ease your club back... nice and smooth... that's good... (Jake arches his club, before delivering the smoothest, most fluid stroke of his life. He watches the sky with joy, searching for his ball. Unable to find it, he glances down and sees that it is still stuck in the sand, the mark of his club in the grains beside it.) HOWARD: Never mind, Jacob, we'll call that a practice swing. Try again. (Jake bows his head, beads of sweat forming from the strain he has felt all day. He brings his club back quickly, then swings with less care and precision. This time the head of the club strikes, but at such an angle that the ball rolls just a few inches. Jake gapes at it with disbelief.) HOWARD: (tired) Let's just call that another -- JAKE: God *dammit*! Stupid cheap piece of *crap*! Why won't you work?! (He swings back and forth violently, bringing up tufts of sand each time. Howard's lips part with dismay.) JAKE: Lousy little *goddamn* smug round piece of plastic, I'll show *you*! HOWARD: *Jacob*! (Jake snaps out of it, raising his sweaty face with chagrin.) HOWARD: Let's just say three strokes and move on. JAKE: But sir, I couldn't -- HOWARD: It's just a game, boy. Besides, people are waiting. (Jake picks up his ball and meekly follows his father-in-law to the cart. After clearing the sand, the caddie drives them to the putting green. By Howard's tight expression, Jake is sure he has blown it for good... and he had wanted so badly to impress.) HOWARD: (cool) Do you use that tone with my daughter? JAKE: (gasps) Oh no! I would never talk to Helen that way! Never! (He feels prickles of guilt.) It's just been a lousy few months, is all. (As they approach the green, they see that sure enough, Howard's ball lies just few feet from the hole. Howard steps out and quickly shoots it in with one swift stroke. Soon after, he climbs back in and settles down.) HOWARD: You can't just pop off like a rocket every time you have a setback, especially when the new baby comes. JAKE: I know. HOWARD: Babies aren't convenient by design, Jacob. They'll test you like never before. They'll look to you for guidance and you'd better make sure they learn the right lessons. JAKE: Sir... was it hard for you right after Helen was born? (Howard pauses to reflect a moment.) HOWARD: I'll admit I didn't really see much of Helen or Rita when they were babies. I was there for Amy, but her mother took care of the feedings and the diapers, things you "modern" men supposedly do yourselves, so I wouldn't be of much use to you there. Frankly, I'm just as glad. JAKE: What about when they were little girls? (The cart stops at the next putting range, and Howard and Jake climb out.) HOWARD: When they were really young and I was home on leave, I'd take Helen and Rita to places like ball games and carnivals. I'd wear my uniform because they just loved it -- thought their old dad look so big and important. Always got us in for half price, too. (Jake sets up to tee off, while Howard stands behind him.) HOWARD: Then when they were older, I'd take them camping, fishing. Rita lost interest, but Helen, she took to the outdoors like fish to a stream. She could hike for miles, make a fire, toss a ball around, as good as any boy. (Jake concentrates with all of his might and manages to hit a wobbly shot that flies within half a mile of the green. He tries to contain his joy and relief.) JAKE: All right! HOWARD: At long last: A hole that won't take half the afternoon. (He sets up to take his shot. Howard frowns, trying to assess the terrain, and replaces his club with a different one offered by the caddie.) JAKE: Sir? HOWARD: What? JAKE: Was it hard teaching them those things? HOWARD: (eyes down turned) Not really. They're no dummies, my girls. They know the right questions to ask. Helen, especially, would just sit by my knee and say "Daddy, Daddy, what does this mean, what does that mean?" JAKE: Must have been kind of annoying. (Howard's face darkens at his son-in-law's words, unseen by Jake.) HOWARD: No. In fact I never liked shooing her away so I could get my work done. Sometimes I'd just let her stay in my office, play on my typewriter like she was a grown up. (In one swift, biting stroke, he sends his ball sailing over the horizon.) JAKE: Nice shot, sir! (Howard gazes out at the horizon for a long while, before turning to Jake.) HOWARD: Jacob, just remember to spend time with your child once it's born. They grow up so fast. (Jake nods rapidly, his expression touched, as though his father-in-law has just shared an unprecedented bit of wisdom. Letting out a huff, Howard heads toward the cart.) (cut to: ) SCENE 4 (Calvin and Vanessa's) (Close-up of a tow-headed boy screaming at the top of his lungs.) (Wider shot reveals Helen sitting at the table in a spacious modern kitchen, trying to cover her ears without being impolite, but in obvious pain. Her friend Vanessa and some fellow feminist friends gathered with her keep talking as if nothing is amiss.) VANESSA: Hel, I know exactly how you feel. If we don't do something, that *sadist* is gonna take us into World War III and our kids will be on the front lines! HELEN: Oh, well, I don't know-- VANESSA: Tyler's been drawing nuclear bombs in his preschool art class. His teachers think they're just clouds, but *I* know what they are. HELEN: Is that why he's so... *vocal* today? VANESSA: Oh no -- he was given an artificially sweetened candy bar and is just working off the aggression until it's out of his system. I'm trying to get that teacher fired. HELEN: Look, I'm nervous about Reagan, too, but I don't think it's worth jumping on every worst-case scenario. I'm more worried about what *I'll* do to my child than what he'll-- SUSAN: Just hope you don't have a girl, or Reagan will take away her rights to her own body. VANESSA: If we're in nuclear winter she won't have a body to protect! HELEN: Urm... changing the subject, how did you put your self-doubt to rest before having your first child? I keep feeling like I'm not going to be able to-- SUSAN: Would you get off of your nuclear threat paranoia? It's obvious the *real* threat is the Falwell crowd. First they derailed the ERA, now they're bent on making sure we'll never leave the kitchen without our husbands' approval! JANET: If we're not eternally vigilant, they'll take over. VANESSA: (as the T.V. blares) Tyler! That'd better be PBS I'm hearing! HELEN: (feeble) I can't tell you how much I appreciate this talk. (cut to: ) SCENE 5 (library, weekend day) (Helen brings a towering stack of books to the check out area.) HELEN: (VO from the present) If I couldn't count on my friends to calm my fears, I would have to get help from somewhere else. (At home, Helen sits on the couch and opens the first of many books -- _How to Have It All: The Guide to Being a Career Mother_. She starts to read intently.) (Helen carries on this reading on the sly at work, while simultaneously working on a case. The current book is _Crying Out Loud: What Baby Is Trying to Say_.) HELEN: (VO) But I soon realized that self-help guides were no substitute for the wisdom of a person you could trust. With my friends out of the equation that left... my parents. (cut to: ) SCENE 6 (outside of Howard's office, beginning of December) HELEN: (VO) As much as I dreaded the thought, I began to attach a lot of importance to our upcoming Christmas get together. We both did. (Howard's secretary is frantically at work at her desk. Suddenly the phone rings, breaking her concentration. She picks it up.) WILLIAMS: This is the office of Howard Barksdale. How may I help you? JAKE: (OS) Mrs. Williams? WILLIAMS: Who is th-- oh, I remember you. You're... JAKE: (OS) Jake -- WILLIAMS: Morgendorffer, yes, Mr. Barksdale's son-in-law. I'm afraid Mr. Barksdale is out touring a development. JAKE: (OS) Oh, that's okay, I actually wanted to talk to you. We're going to the Barksdales for Christmas this year and I wanted to get Mr. Barksdale something good, to thank him for, you know, being so nice to me. WILLIAMS: You have been spending a lot of time with him. You need to know what Mr. Barksdale likes, then? JAKE: (OS) Yeah. I don't want to screw it up like all those other times... WILLIAMS: Well, Mrs. Barksdale often shops at Brookson's department store. In fact, we have a catalogue... (She opens a lower drawer of her desk and reaches for a thick glossy book.) JAKE: (OS) Thanks. Thanks a lot. (Pause, timid.) Do you think you could also help me choose a gift for a wife whose mood swings like a pendulum? (cut to: ) SCENE 7 (Helen and Jake's car, Christmas Eve) HELEN: Honest to *God*, what kind of *hell universe* doesn't carry a brand of chili peanut butter?! (Helen sits in the passenger seat while Jake drives, on the way to the Barksdale residence. Helen's middle has swollen to the point that it squeezes against her waistband, and she shifts about, clearly angry and uncomfortable.) HELEN: Oh God, I want it so bad, I would chew through the roof of this rusted piece of *tin* for just one finger full! JAKE: (glum, mechanical) I'll make it when we get home. HELEN: Of course if you *really* loved me you'd have thought of that *before* we left so I'd have some on the trip, so you obviously *don't*! Well I hate you, too! (Jake turns up John Lennon's "Instant Karma" on the radio. Helen gears up to yell some more, but calms down when she sees how dispirited he is.) HELEN: Jake... Honey, it'll be all right. JAKE: (mopes) John Lennon was the voice of our generation, Helen! The idea that some madman could just -- HELEN: Shhh, don't torture yourself thinking about it. Look at it this way: John isn't just in the physical world anymore. He's all around us. You could even say we *all* have a little John Lennon inside us. JAKE: You really believe that crap? (No, but Helen is surprised that Jake *doesn't*.) HELEN: Um, let's *both* try to focus on the positive. Seeing the whole family might give us a good crash course in parenting. JAKE: What do you mean? HELEN: Well, my parents raised *me*, so they can't be all bad. Plus with little Erin there, we'll finally have unlimited access to a small child. It could be exactly what we need to whip us into shape. JAKE: But what do you *do* with little girls? HELEN: What you do with *any* child, Jake. You... well... um... just try to act like you're interested in what they're saying, no matter how little sense it makes. JAKE: But what if Erin hates us?? What if she doesn't *want* see us?? HELEN: Of *course* she'll want to see her aunt and uncle. JAKE: But Rita... HELEN: We'd be a *relief* compared to her, trust me. I know you're scared -- I am, too, a little. But I'm not getting any smaller and I want to be prepared for all contingencies, all unpleasant surprises -- (Suddenly a loud "Bang!" emanates from the car hood, before smoke pours out the front. Jake hastens to pull the car over to the side, where it dies with a groan. He and Helen exchange startled glances before stepping out into the cold and drizzle. Fortunately, they are close to the nearest exit.) (cut to: ) SCENE 8 (mechanic's waiting room, later) (Helen and Jake have sunk into seats next to a skimpy tree covered with plastic ornaments. The mechanic stands over them with a clipboard.) MECHANIC: So you're looking at four hundred fifty dollars and a week in the shop. Should be pretty easy to set up a rental. Any questions? HELEN: Uh... my husband and I need a moment to discuss. MECHANIC: Sure. (He leaves, and Helen turns to a suddenly pale Jake.) HELEN: We're low after the gift buying, but we *should* just be able to cover it. Thank God we've got the emergency fund -- JAKE: Um, Helen? HELEN: -- over three hundred dollars last time I checked. So if we draw from that and our checking account -- JAKE: Helen, I really should -- HELEN: -- we can use what's left on our card for the rental car. JAKE: I spent the emergency fund. (Beat) HELEN: *What*?! JAKE: Not all of it, just fifty dollars... is left. I was gonna pay it back -- HELEN: Jake, I could KILL you! JAKE: I'm sorry! I didn't think this would happen! HELEN: That would be *why* it's called an "emergency" fund! Jake Morgendorffer, this is one of the most selfish, thoughtless, *clueless* things you've ever done! JAKE: Oh boo-hoo, I bought gifts for your parents, so *sue* me! HELEN: You *bet* I will! If you were going to spend that money on *anyone*, it should have been on-- (She stops abruptly, her face taking on a peculiar look. Jake is wound up for a rebuttal, when he sees her body tense.) JAKE: Helen? Oh *God*, what's wrong?! Is it the baby?! HELEN: Yes... I mean no. I mean don't worry, nothing's wrong. I think that the baby just kicked me. (Jake's face loses its animation. As if touching a sacred object, he lays his hands carefully on Helen's stomach. Several seconds pass, and then he feels the tiniest flutter, almost nonexistent. He looks up at Helen, who smiles and nods.) JAKE: I can't believe it. It's really growing in there. (Helen settles against his shoulder, her own hands creeping up to her expanding middle. Jake lays an arm around her. Suddenly their car troubles don't seem so bad...) (cut to: ) SCENE 9 (Barksdale residence, late afternoon) (Jake and Helen drive up to the curb in a late-model Ford sedan. The convergence of cars nearby suggests that everyone else has arrived. Jake turns off the engine and slumps down in his seat.) HELEN: Jakey, you did the right thing. JAKE: But it was such a *nice* watch, gold chain and everything. Your dad would have loved it. HELEN: How else were we supposed to pay? Would you have rather we called my parents and had them bail us out? JAKE: *No*. HELEN: We still have my gifts. We'll just say they're from both of us and he'll never know the difference. (Jake tries to smile as he opens the car door.) (cut to: ) SCENE 10 (Barksdale dining room/kitchen, late afternoon) (Rita ushers them in, wearing a knitted holiday sweater, her hair cut in the Purdey style and recently bleached.) RITA: You could have called, you know. HELEN: (cross) I tried calling *several* times. RITA: Well we didn't hear... (She suddenly pauses by the phone, where the receiver is just slightly off the hook, emitting a faint beeping sound. Helen folds her arms in triumph as Rita slides the receiver all the way back onto the hook.) RITA: (embarrassed) I must have forgotten to... well... *oh* you haven't seen Erin in ages, have you? (She leads them over to the dining room table, where the small redhead, not yet five, is sitting near a pile of cookies and a bowl of frosting, spooning large, messy blobs onto one cookie. Helen and Jake glance at each other, eager for a test subject for their parenting skills.) JAKE: Wow, Rita, Erin's getting so big! HELEN: She certainly is. And so pretty. ERIN: Look at my princess dress, everyone! RITA: An early Christmas present from Mom for the preschool pageant. People couldn't stop telling her what an angel she was. HELEN: That's so (strained laugh.) *sweet*. ERIN: I got to dance! Wanna watch me? HELEN: Oh, honey, no-- (Erin jumps down and starts spinning around the room, narrowly missing the china cabinet and the table legs before smacking into Helen, nearly sending the latter backward. Rita stifles a laugh.) JAKE: Helen?? HELEN: (sneers) Ho, oh *yes* she's just precious. RITA: (scolding) Erin Michelle Chambers, you sit down in that chair and decorate those cookies. (to Helen) This happens every time I go to check on the roast. HELEN: Where's the rest of the family? RITA: Dad's in his office, talking to Mom. Amy's hiding up in her room, and I can never pry David away from that sports channel on the den T.V. JAKE: A sports channel?! (strained casual.) Y'know, poor old David must be pretty lonely in there... HELEN: *Jake*. (He looks at her with a long face.) Why don't you help little Erin decorate those big cookies while I join Rita in the kitchen? JAKE: But Helen, cable sports! (Helen gives him a "Remember what we discussed?" look. Jake makes a faint displeased noise, before taking a seat on the other side of the table from his niece. Helen follows Rita into the kitchen.) RITA: (admiring) You're really showing now, Helen. I don't think I got that big until my sixth month. HELEN: Oh, well, I don't think I'm *that* big. I mean I'm not in an *elastic waistband* yet. RITA: Are you still getting morning sickness? HELEN: No, just cravings. They're pretty hard to ignore. RITA: What are those like, anyway? (Helen cocks an irritated brow. Just then Evelyn appears.) EVELYN: I thought I heard you and Jacob. What happened? HELEN: Car trouble. We had to get a rental. EVELYN: (disappointment) So that's not your car? Too bad. (She gives Helen a typical stiff hug, then regards her middle.) EVELYN: Oh yes, you *are* getting big. HELEN: I *am* not! (Meanwhile, Jake sits with Erin at the table, getting quite into decorating. He takes the plain frosting from a bowl and mixes in all sorts of colors in a nearby saucer, before spreading it on the cookie, humming pleasantly all the while. Erin is shaking the living daylights out of a bottle of sprinkles, emptying practically the entire bottle on top of her cookie.) JAKE: Y'know, Erin, maybe you should save some for the other cookies. (Erin pauses mid-shake and then, with a pouty expression, lays the sprinkle bottle aside. She frowns down at her cookie, as if bored by its appearance, before reaching over to her saucer and taking a big finger full of frosting, then slipping it into her mouth.) JAKE: Uh honey, you really shouldn't be doing that. ERIN: But I *WANT* to! (She starts crying, first soft, then progressively louder. Jake cringes.) JAKE: Okay, okay! For the love of God, just *stop*! (Erin smiles a dimpled smile and continues to skim frosting off of her saucer and eat it. As Jake watches, he grows more tempted. Finally, he takes a tiny finger full from his own saucer and sticks in his mouth.) ERIN: MOMMY! Unca Jake gave the frosting COOTIES! (Rita pokes her head out of the kitchen.) RITA: Jake? JAKE: It was just a little... I mean *she* was-- (Rita gives him a "You should know better than that" glare before returning to the kitchen. Jake slumps down in his seat.) (In the kitchen, Helen is trying and failing to skin potatoes.) HELEN: Is Dad coming out to say hi? EVELYN: I would leave your father alone for a while. He's been under a lot of stress lately. HELEN: From what? EVELYN: A big client of his went to another company, plus all that's been going on with Amy. HELEN: *What's* been going on? (Evelyn and Rita share a look, before Evelyn turns graven eyes on Helen.) EVELYN: She joined a *rock and roll* band. HELEN: A rock band?? (fights the urge to laugh.) Amy?? RITA: (distaste) If you call "New Wave" rock music. I still say disco's better. HELEN: What does she play? EVELYN: Who *cares* what she plays?! We sent her off to Princeton to *study*, not spend her nights playing in some godforsaken bar! RITA: Oh Mother, I'm sure it's fine. Everyone we knew was in a rock band at her age. HELEN: She's so quiet, it's probably *good* she has a way to express herself. Look at the "poets" of our age group -- Janis Joplin, Bob Dylan, John Lennon, Paul McCartney-- RITA: Poor John Lennon. Isn't it awful?? (On cue, Amy appears, chewing on a cookie she's just dipped in plain frosting.) ERIN: (OS) MOMMY! Aunt Amy STOLE a cookie! EVELYN: Amy Barksdale, you'll spoil your dinner. (Smirking and rolling her eyes slightly, Amy finishes it off.) RITA: That's the last one you get. AMY: (shrugs) So long as your daughter keeps eating the frosting. (Rita's eyes widen and she rushes into the dining room. Amy spies Helen and gazes at her middle with vague amazement, while Helen gapes at her new look. Once long and curly, Amy's hair is now short -- crew-cut length and spiked on top, with faint traces of pink and green. Her long, slender legs are accentuated with "pipe" jeans.) AMY: Well look at you, Helen. HELEN: Amy, your hair... AMY: You like? My homage to Elvis Costello. That and I didn't have the guts to shave a mohawk. EVELYN: Oof, no more talk of this! Now that you're here, Boo-boo, go make yourself useful and chop vegetables for the salad. AMY: (*Boo-boo*?!) Why did I leave my room? (Regardless, she goes to the cutting board near the sink. Helen leans toward Evelyn.) HELEN: (hushed) She *will* grow it back, right? (Evelyn just shakes her head with irritation.) (cut to: ) SCENE 11 (Howard's home office, evening) (Howard sits at his desk, tipped back in his leather chair, staring into space. His cheeks are still red from an earlier explosion and he holds a lit cigar between his fingers. At a sudden light knocking on his door, he raises an icy brow.) HELEN: (OS) Dad? (She opens the door and pokes her head in. Howard nods slightly at her, then takes another puff. Tentatively, but with practiced calm, Helen enters the office, closing the door behind her, and walks over to her father's side.) HOWARD: Well. When you didn't show up this morning, we thought you'd finally remembered that you didn't believe in Christmas and went home. HELEN: Some traditions die hard, and celebrating Christmas is one of them. Anyway, it's time for the gift exchange. Everyone's gathering in the living room. HOWARD: (sighs) Why can't you girls wait until Christmas Day to open *all* your gifts like every other family? HELEN: (firm) Because we've always done it this way, ever since Amy got excited one year and tore off all the gift wrap and we... had no choice. Won't you join us? (Howard glances at her expanded middle and stubs his cigar in a nearby ashtray.) HOWARD: (grim) I'd rather have a bottle of scotch served in newspaper. HELEN: (gentle reproach) Daddy... HOWARD: A man deserves a *few* luxuries after years of hard work. But oh no, I can't because of my health. (He looks at Helen and his face softens.) Then again, look who I'm talking to. Does it bother you? HELEN: I would kill for a good cognac right now. HOWARD: You all right? Going to your doctor's appointments? HELEN: Yes, yes. I'm -- we're -- fine. HOWARD: Wasn't so long ago I could bounce you on my knee. I don't know if I'll have the strength to do that this time around. HELEN: (teases) I'd be a little too heavy for you, anyway. (This manages to chisel a smile into Howard's face.) HOWARD: How many months now? HELEN: Four-and-a-half. HOWARD: They'll pass faster than you think. HELEN: I know... (Her face briefly shows unease.) Now come on, Dad, do you want to spend those months in here, or join the rest of the family? HOWARD: To tell the truth, I feel like sharing your vow of simplicity. You have to be so damned cheerful when you open gifts, even ones that look like they came from the swap meet. Nonetheless... (He starts to get up.)... I know everyone's expecting me. (He struggles a little, resists the arm that Helen offers him, before standing.) HOWARD: But any discussion of childbirth and I'm coming right back. (cut to: ) SCENE 12 (Barksdale hallway/living room) (Helen enters to find Jake down on all fours, straining under Erin's weight as she straddles his back with glee.) ERIN: Go, horsie, go! Move, move! HELEN: (amused) Jake? JAKE: Help me! (Erin kicks him in the ribs.) HELEN: Erin, honey, why don't you go ask Mom and Dad if they'll let you open a present early, okay? Go on, now. (Erin nods, dismounting Jake hard in her effort to race into the living room as quickly as possible. Once she's gone, Jake flings himself at Helen's legs and won't let go.) (cut to: ) SCENE 13 (Barksdale living room, soon after) (Jake and Helen enter to find the other Barksdales assembled. Howard sits on the couch next to David, Rita's handsome, vapid husband. Across from them sits Amy, absorbed in a Rubik's Cube, acknowledging no one. Erin zig-zags around the base of the tree, while Evelyn and Rita fuss over the ornaments. Howard wears a strained smile, attempting to humor his family.) JAKE: Merry Christmas, sir! (Howard looks at him wearily, his smile fading away.) HOWARD: Oh, hello there, Jacob. (Having thought that Howard would be warmer toward him, Jake feels a pinprick of disappointment, but he brushes it off as a sign that his father-in-law is just in a bad mood. However, a moment later, Howard's face lights up in a real smile as his granddaughter runs over and wraps her arms around his legs.) ERIN: Grandpa! Grandpa! I love you! HOWARD: Grandpa loves you, too, darling. How's my favorite girl? (Amy glances at them with undisguised resentment.) ERIN: What'd you and Grandma get me? What'd you get me?? HOWARD: Whoa! Hold on, now. You'll see them soon enough. (loud whisper.) But don't worry, Grandma and Grandpa spoiled you good. ERIN: *Yay*! AMY: (mutters) Just don't expect it to last when the new baby comes. (She says it loud enough for Erin to hear, and the latter stares at her, then at Howard, with surprise. This wins Amy scowls from the rest of the family, the darkest of all from Howard.) HOWARD: Your aunt doesn't know what she's saying, darling. AMY: (feigned surprise) But isn't that how it works? A cute baby shows up, everyone else takes a backseat? (She glances over at Helen, who cannot deny this charge when it comes to Rita.) EVELYN: (firm) We'll have more than enough love for *both* grandchildren. HELEN: I should hope so. (Evelyn scowls at Helen, while Rita, seeing the expression on her father's face, hurries to lighten the situation.) RITA: David, honey, why don't you give Dad your gift? DAVID: (nonchalant) Oh yeah, sure. (He reaches down into the gift pile and Jake's heart sinks as he gives Howard a box with shiny green wrapping -- from Brookson's.) HOWARD: Brookson's? They're not cheap. (He opens the wrapping paper and removes an oak-colored box. The box opens up, revealing several fishing lures. Howard already has more than he knows what to do with, but nonetheless smiles at David as though these are his first.) HOWARD: Well I'll be... that's quite a gift. It's nice to know my son-in-law holds me in such high esteem. DAVID: (oozing) You're worth it, sir. (Helen glances at Jake, whose shoulders are slumped and face despondent.) HELEN: Well *Jake* got you a gift, too, just-- (Jake shakes his head at her. If Howard learns of the gift, he'll know about the watch swap to pay for car repairs.) HOWARD: Jacob got me something? HELEN: Um... hrm... yes. We *both* did. We bought all of our gifts together. (She takes Jake's hand and gives it a squeeze. Jake smiles at her gratefully.) HOWARD: What, can't the boy buy his own gifts? HELEN: Of course he can. We just thought it would be more special this way. (For some reason, this rankles Howard, who already regretted coming out of his office. His dark mood, momentarily lifted, settles in for good.) (cut to: ) SCENE 14 (Barksdale dining room, evening) (The whole family is seated around the long table, now decorated nicely with a centerpiece, glowing candles, and fine china. Howard sits at the head, Evelyn at the end. On Howard's right sit Rita, Erin, and David and on his left, Helen, Jake, and Amy.) RITA: (to Helen) I'm *not* lying. If Jake puts on weight, it means you're having a girl. HELEN: That's the silliest thing I've ever heard. RITA: Believe it -- it's happened to all my friends, and David even gained a few pounds while I was carrying Erin. (David shoots her a glaring look from his moody blue eyes. Between them, Erin builds a house out of her mashed potatoes and peas.) HELEN: Even so, boy or girl, Jake and I will love it just the same, won't we, honey? JAKE: Sure will! RITA: Well of course. But usually there are signs. At some point I could just *tell* Erin would be a girl. Don't ask me to explain it. HELEN: Oh, well, I don't... (gazes down at her middle.) EVELYN: What on earth sort of name is "Quinn," anyway? HELEN: (scowls) It means "queen"... or "fifth." Um, anyway, it's very noble and distinct. AMY: Sounds like one of those last-names-as-first-names fads to me. (This wins her a glare from Helen, which does not equal the icy glare from Howard. In spite of her better judgment, Amy flashes him a look of defiance.) RITA: I don't think it's right to name a baby so early. The name should find *you*, not the other way around. HELEN: So when the baby is two months old, hope that inspiration strikes? JAKE: Agh! (Helen looks at him curiously, but Jake can't find the source of his pain.) RITA: You don't have to make my suggestions sound stupid. HELEN: That's right. *I* don't. EVELYN: Helen, your sister has a point. I would listen. HELEN: Oh, and her point overrides mine, I see-- JAKE: ACK! (This time, he feels a squashed pea on the side of his cheek. Erin suddenly erupts in giggles, revealing herself -- and her spoon -- to be the source of Jake's distress. Rita glances down at her daughter's barely touched dinner.) JAKE: (scared) Helen?! RITA: Erin Michelle Chambers, you apologize to your uncle! If you don't, Santa might not bring you that Strawberry Shortcake doll you want. ERIN: (prompt) I'm sorry, Unca Jake. RITA: This is what happens when you're so full of sweets you don't have room for dinner. (She glances at Jake's also-full plate reproachfully.) Of course if someone had *watched* her... (Helen's irritation flares up, as she spies David pouring his fourth glass of wine, never less interested in his daughter.) HELEN: (phony sweet) I'm sure *David* is a wonderful father. Are you two still trying to have more children? DAVID: Rita, you *told* her about our problems?! RITA: (reddens) Just in confidence. I didn't think she would blurt it out at the dinner table! HELEN: (innocent) Did I say something wrong? RITA: Never mind. The answer is no, which means that we can give you all of Erin's old things. EVELYN: Isn't that nice? HELEN: (icy) Thanks, but we're perfectly capable of buying our own. RITA: (innocent) Oh really? Because I know you've been having money troubles and what is it you always say? Those with more should give to those with less? HELEN: (gritted teeth) Jake and I are just *fine*. HOWARD: (perking up) Really? Just how "fine" are you? HELEN: We lead a comfortable life, and-- HOWARD: I want to hear from Jacob. Have you found a job? JAKE: (enthused) You bet I have, sir! You are looking at the new vice president of SpinACE, home of the refreshing spinach drink. "Smooth and green, keeps your body lean! That's SpinACE!" (A beat of silence around the table.) EVELYN: I've never heard of such a thing. HOWARD: (phony impressed) That's because it's cutting edge, dear. Old Jacob must be getting swamped with orders. JAKE: Oh... yeah! HOWARD: How many? One thousand? Five thousand? JAKE: Well... er... HOWARD: What's that? I can't hear you. HELEN: (warning) *Dad*. JAKE: Five... so far. (strained enthusiasm.) But we're really spreading the word and drumming up a lot of interest. HOWARD: Oh, well, that's exciting. David's business trips and use of the company car can't compare to that. (He and David share a hearty laugh, and Jake's enthusiasm wanes a tad, as he senses that Howard's interest in him is not completely benign. Helen knows all too well what her dad is up to and rises to her husband's defense.) HELEN: Dad, I'm surprised at you. I thought you'd *support* Jake starting a business from the ground up. Isn't that what you've always wanted: for us to be capitalists instead of socialists? HOWARD: I can't tell where one leaves off and the other begins. HELEN: Why? Because Jake's product is socially responsible? HOWARD: (reddens) I doubt he could support a family on his income. HELEN: Well not everyone's lucky enough to inherit a successful business the way you did, but given time, I'm sure he'll do fine. HOWARD: I'd like to see the business plan. There *is* a business plan? JAKE: Uh-um, I think it's at home in a drawer somewhere. EVELYN: Howard, eat your dinner, dear. HOWARD: I want to make sure this one won't go belly up like the others. HELEN: If it does, we'll deal with it. HOWARD: I want to hear that from *him*. EVELYN: Let it rest, *please*, both of you. Howard, would you like some more potatoes? (Howard closes his mouth and, after a moment, nods grimly. He accepts the bowl from Helen and spoons some potatoes onto his plate. A tense silence settles over the table.) JAKE: (uncomfortable) So, Amy... what's this I hear about you being in a rock band? (He receives an immediate slap on the arm from Helen, who mouths an "Ix-nay!") AMY: Oh don't believe the rumors. There *is* no band. Though if there were, we'd play punk and New Wave and I'd be on rhythm guitar. JAKE: (missing her sarcasm) How's school, then? Pick your major? (Howard puts a forkful of potatoes into his mouth, his eyes on his youngest.) AMY: Not yet. HELEN: What are you interested in? AMY: It's a toss-up between art history, French lit, and chemistry. I'm having a hard time narrowing it down. HOWARD: Maybe if you spent more time in school, your focus would improve. (Amy's face pales, but her eyes narrow.) AMY: Or maybe I spend too *much* time in school. You ever think of that? EVELYN: (low voice) Amy, remember what we discussed. AMY: Yeah, and I'm discussing school. Isn't that what I'm supposed to talk about, to the exclusion of everything else? HOWARD: It sounds to me, young lady, like school is the *last* thing on your mind these days, going by your marks. AMY: Anyone could get a C with the number of units I took. HOWARD: You weren't getting Cs your first year. AMY: So I'm not allowed to slip up, not ever? HOWARD: You're not slipping up -- you're goofing off. AMY: I saved myself from going on a midnight run for razor blades. EVELYN: Amy! That's not even remotely funny. AMY: Who said I was trying to be? HOWARD: (sarcastic) Oh, you're *always* trying to be funny. Always telling some little off-color joke to avoid having to face up to the consequences of your actions. AMY: (bright red) What the *hell* do you even know about me?! HOWARD: I know a lot more than you think, young lady, and you will watch your language when you're sitting at this table. AMY: Why? Afraid of someone talking to you the way you deserve?! (That does it. Howard stands up, his face beet red, looking as though he's about ready to storm around to Amy's side of the table. Amy's anger deserts her and she goes from red to pale. Instinctively, Evelyn puts a protective arm around her while Helen and Rita remain frozen in their seats, memories of Dad's past rages firm in their minds.) EVELYN: Howard... (She shakes her head.) Howard, don't... (For one tense beat Howard's eyes are locked on the end of the table, while Amy's are slightly averted, afraid to meet his. Finally, Howard sits down without uttering a word and starts to eat, even though no one at the table is hungry anymore.) EVELYN: (low hiss) Amy, go to your room until you can behave yourself! (Amy looks to her sisters for help, but both are gazing at her with the same reproachful expression. Glowering, Amy lays down her fork.) AMY: Fine. (She stands and leaves with as much dignity as she can muster. Several seconds tick off in silence.) ERIN: Mommy, is Aunt Amy in trouble? RITA: Never you mind. (hasty) You know, Mother, it's getting close to Erin's bedtime... EVELYN: Yes, yes, I understand. Why don't I make a plate for you to bring home? HELEN: (hasty) I'll help you clear. (She pushes back her chair, looks at Jake, who seems dazed, like he can't quite figure out what just happened.) HELEN: Jake, honey, why don't you go watch cable sports in the den? Doesn't that sound like fun? JAKE: Oh... sure. (He is just about to stand, when a small green missile hits him in the eye.) JAKE: GAH! (Erin bursts into giggles.) **************** END OF ACT TWO [Shot of Jake swinging wildly in the sand trap on the golf course.] ***You are now entering commercial *HELL*. Please keep your seatbelt securely fastened. You are about to see some of the lamest commercials put on television.*** 1) Those commercials where they're like, "We know fast food kills you, so we're gonna make sure we *REALLY* kill you! Try our three-layer fried-egg triple bacon supreme burger with extra cheese!" Way to commit to public health, Mr. Fast Food Restaurant. Still, I'm sure as an alternative, it offers a fresh salad that by coincidence happens to contain more calories than a triple-layer egg-bacon-cheese burger. 2) "HeadOn... apply directly to the forehead!" I heard the original commercial was quite annoying. Unfortunately, the HeadOn people heard as well. Now every time I see a HeadOn commercial, the participants exclaim, "Ugh! I hate your commercial! But I *love* your product." Bu-but... I didn't even get to *see* the commercial! I never had a chance to hate it! It's as though a major cultural phenomenon happened during the night and no one bothered to wake me. *sob* [Thanks to the miracle of YouTube, I finally watched. It's annoying, but short. What's the big deal?] 3) "Degrassi... it *goes* there." I'll help it pack. Bye-bye now. ***You are now leaving commercial *HELL*. Aren't you happy you survived?*** ACT THREE SCENE 1 (Barksdale kitchen, soon after) (Evelyn covers a plate with foil, while at the sink, Helen scrapes and Rita washes the dishes.) RITA: Why does Amy have to go and do that all the time? HELEN: (unease) Does she say those kinds of things often? About the razors? EVELYN: Oh don't pay attention, Helen. She just wants to get a rise out of you. HELEN: Where's Dad? EVELYN: In his office. (As Helen moves toward the door.) I wouldn't. Not even you could coax him out of this mood. (Helen returns to washing, feeling a sudden, powerful sense of deja vu.) (cut to: ) SCENE 2 (bathroom, night) (Helen is rubbing cream into her skin, feeling tired and dispirited. Almost instinctively, she lays a hand on her growing middle section, as if to reassure herself that it's still there.) (She walks out into the hall, toward her room, which is next door to Amy's room. As Helen approaches, she hears Amy's muffled voice behind her closed door, along with those of her parents. Helen makes a move to eavesdrop, before deciding that she shouldn't ruin their privacy. Very quickly she has no choice, as their voices grow louder and more distinct.) HOWARD: (OS) This is my house, young lady, and I don't "get the hell out" of anywhere. Certainly not when ordered to do so by a pampered, spoiled brat. EVELYN: (OS) Howard, you *said* you would listen to her. HOWARD: (OS) Listen to what? Something serious? Something respectful? It's all just a game to you, isn't it? (Amy responds with something unintelligible.) HOWARD: (OS) Well if you keep treating school like one of your little jokes, don't expect us to pay for it. AMY: (OS) It's not a joke to me! I'm *not* Helen! (Helen is stunned at the level of contempt with which her name is spoken.) AMY: (OS) I know you think I'm acting just like her, but I'm not! This band is just a way of blowing off steam, playing covers on Saturday nights. We don't even have a drummer! If it were track or marching band, you wouldn't care less, but because rock makes people think of drugs and sex, because Helen used it as an excuse to get stoned for breakfast --! EVELYN: (OS) You leave your sister out of this! AMY: (OS) Why?! That's what this has always been about! Helen went to college got lost in all that hedonistic hippie crap, and you never got over it! Now when I do something nonconformist, you think I'll lose myself like she did! Well it won't happen. I know who I am! I care about school, and I don't need acid hits or sex with twenty guys to make me feel alive! I just wanted to have a little fun! HOWARD: THAT'S ENOUGH, YOUNG LADY! (Loud banging sounds follow, and Helen manages to move into her own doorway right as Amy's door flies open. Amy storms out of her room, purse over her shoulder, her face and eyes red and tear-stained. She makes her way toward the stairs, as Evelyn and Howard quickly follow.) EVELYN: Amy, where are you going?? AMY: Home. EVELYN: Oh, this is ridiculous! Tomorrow's Christmas, everything will be closed! (She looks imploringly at Howard, whose color is already returning to normal and whose expression is faintly regretful.) EVELYN: Say something, Howard. HOWARD: (soft, doubtful) She'll come back soon. Her suitcase is here. EVELYN: (as Amy reaches the front door) At least take your coat! (The front door shuts firmly behind her. The moment she's gone, Evelyn turns to her husband, unable to contain her fury any longer.) EVELYN: Well I hope you're happy. Your youngest daughter will be driving through the cold, wet darkness all alone! HOWARD: What could I have said to her? She never listens to me. EVELYN: And *why* do you think that is?? (Howard raises his glasses and rubs his eyes.) HOWARD: So if I *had* told her that she's a bright girl, that she could do anything if she just had focus, would that have done any good? Would it have made her less cynical? Would she have heard it without some smart remark? EVELYN: Go after her and find out. (Howard pauses, before turning slowly, sadly in the other direction, toward their bedroom at the end of the hall.) HOWARD: She'll come back when she's calmed down. (Evelyn watches him retreat into their bedroom, lips pursed with anger. Just then, she catches Helen watching the exchange from her doorway. Evelyn's expression becomes rueful. She heads toward the master bedroom, while Helen slowly closes the door to her room.) (cut to: ) SCENE 3 (Helen and Jake's bedroom, a couple days later) (Helen and Jake practically crawl back into their small bedroom, suitcases in hand, and collapse onto the bed.) HELEN: Being at my parents' was an even more soul draining experience than I'd feared. At least it's behind us and we can focus on the positive. (Jake shoots upward.) JAKE: That's it, Helen! I can't be a father! HELEN: Jake?? JAKE: You say that little Erin is normal? That she's just like any other kid? HELEN: Well maybe a bit spoiled, but that's her parents' doing. At least she likes you -- she barely looked at *me*, even when I spoke to her directly. JAKE: If that's "like," I don't think I'd survive "hate"! HELEN: Obviously with our own child, you would-- JAKE: No, *no*, I've been trying to tell myself it won't be so bad, trying to ignore all the warning signs. The ones that say stop at the crossing! Do not pass Go! Don't collect two hundred dollars! HELEN: What "signs"?? JAKE: First it was Ronald Reagan's election, telling us that our days are numbered. Then it was losing John Lennon, which was like losing a brother! Same lousy childhood as mine, same goal to inspire people toward peace and love. I don't know how I'll go on without him. HELEN: For God's sake, Jake, the man hadn't done anything good since the _Imagine_ album. Give it a rest! You'll be fine. JAKE: Helen, you don't know how close I came to pounding that little brat into the ground! For the first time, I knew what it felt like to be my father, and I never *ever* want to have that feeling again! HELEN: Your feelings were normal, Jakey. It doesn't mean you'd act on them. JAKE: Who were we kidding?? We would never make our parents' mistakes?? We *are* our parents. (Helen recalls the scene in Amy's room.) HELEN: (subdued) Jake, I have to believe we'll be better than that. JAKE: We can believe all we want, but the sad truth is, I'm a *mess*, a lousy screw up. And you... (Beat) HELEN: I'm *what*, Jake? JAKE: You're... uh, very career focused. And that's a *good* thing, but--! HELEN: But what? I can't love my career *and* a child? JAKE: It's not that... just a *time* issue -- HELEN: Oh now I get it. If *you* have a career, it's okay for you to have a family. Whereas *I* only have a finite amount of time and love to give. Since I already have a job and a husband, I must not have anything left. JAKE: I didn't say that right. HELEN: No, no, you were perfectly clear. I never thought you would subscribe to that mentality, Jake. I'm really disappointed in you. (She can't admit that his words sting because they play into her own fears.) HELEN: And while you're entitled to your feelings, you need to remember one thing: Ready or not, this baby *is* coming. You'd better get used to it. (She turns away from him. Regretting his outburst, Jake tries to touch her, but Helen resists. She lies on the bed, staring off into space, doubts growing in her mind.) (cut to: ) SCENE 4 (montage) (Helen reaches over to the bedside table to turn on the lamp. She peels back the covers, revealing herself to now be in her third trimester. "I Will Survive" by Gloria Gaynor kicks in.) (Helen hauls herself into the bathroom and turns to the side to look at her swollen middle. She has a look of disbelief -- she is already big, and she still has three months to go. Against her better judgment, she steps onto the bathroom scale... and is horrified by what she finds.) (Later, in the kitchen, she stands over Jake, who is eating, and asks him if she looks heavy. Jake dithers and dodges and tries to escape, but Helen won't let him. He finally delivers an answer that she clearly finds unsatisfactory. She grabs a frying pan off the stove and stands over him, waving it, terrifying him, before breaking down in tears. Jake embraces her, looking numb.) (Helen walks around her office, wearing her usual heels, only now she clearly finds them uncomfortable. She frequently puts a hand to her back, while also holding a stack of files. Her coworkers rush by without noticing, stopping occasionally to give her more files.) (Helen sits on the bus going home, looking beat. Nearby, two rambunctious young kids scream and pull each other's hair. Helen tries to smile and ignore them, but looks progressively more upset when no one, certainly not their mother, bothers to rein them in.) HELEN: (VO from the present) The larger I became, the greater my anxiety. I felt like *no* one understood what I was feeling. All the while, your presence was growing more and more unmistakable... (Helen sits at the kitchen table, eating a large pizza topped with chili and peanut butter. Jake reaches for a slice, but Helen hovers over it possessively.) (She watches a political show, in which two politicians bicker, and her face takes on a deadpan expression that many would recognize.) HELEN: (VO) In the meantime, I worried about your father... (cut to: ) SCENE 5 (outdoor mall, weekend) HELEN: (VO) As the due date drew nearer, he seemed to be denial. Acting childish and spending money with *no* concern for consequences. (Helen is in a charity shop, frowning at the price of a bassinet.) HELEN: Find anything, Jake? (Bt) Honey? (Meanwhile, Jake stands outside of the toy shop window across the courtyard, eyeing a Betsy Wetsy-type doll with a "wheels turning in his mind" expression.) BOY: (behind him) Surrender, Skywalker! (Helen finally tracks Jake down in the toy shop, where he is being chased by a boy in a Darth Vader mask. They get into a heated battle, bashing their plastic "light sabers" together.) JAKE: Ha, ha! Take *that*, Dark Side! BOY: (muffled voice) Luke, I *am* your father! (He jumps forward and pushes his light saber into Jake's stomach.) JAKE: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! (He falls backward into an open ball bin, where he lies on his back, dazed. Suddenly Helen appears above him, her arms crossed.) JAKE: (weakly) I'm sensing a disturbance in the Force... (cut to: ) SCENE 6 (Helen and Jake's apartment, later) (On the kitchen counter, Jake sets down the Betsy Wetsy-ish doll and feeds it water from a "bottle" as seriously as if it were an actual baby. Water starts to run out the other end, and the doll lets out a rusty wail. Jake rushes to wipe the water and fasten a diaper to the doll, while it wails and wails. Finally, losing patience, Jake picks the doll up and shakes it.) JAKE: Dammit, you stupid... GAHHHHHHH!!! (When the wailing doesn't stop, he whacks it against the counter so hard that its head falls off. The wailing stops, and Jake looks at the decapitated doll with horrified eyes, imagining his flesh-and-blood child in its place.) JAKE: Oh dear *God*! (cut to: ) SCENE 7 (Lamaze class, evening) (Helen and Jake sit on the floor, part of a circle of pregnant women and their spouses. The Lamaze coach lectures them from the center.) COACH: (New Age-y) Now dads, you're going to be mom's lungs in the delivery room, so pay close attention. Breath in... out... in... out... in... out... (The men dutifully follow her instructions. As Jake breathes, he grows heavy lidded, then finally nods off. Helen slaps him on the arm.) HELEN: Jake! JAKE: (comes to) Oh my God! It's time?! Where's the hospital?! (He looks around him frantically, before realizing that the entire class is staring at him. Helen puts a hand to her forehead.) COACH: (untroubled) This will help mom find the rhythm she needs to really bear down during those final pushes. Especially when the head is squeezing through the pelvis and life blood gushes out... (Helen goes a couple of shades paler and Jake swallows hard.) COACH: If you do it right, you shouldn't need any pain killers. At least not after the epidural. JAKE: (hushed) You know, Helen, maybe we should reconsider doing natural childbirth. I don't need to see the baby right when it's born. (Helen clamps a hand over his nether region.) HELEN: If *I'm* going through this hell, you're going through it with me. JAKE: (whimpers) Okay. (cut to: ) SCENE 8 (Helen and Jake's apartment, later) (Jake diapers the Betsy Wetsy doll expertly, then picks it up and gently lays it over his shoulder and pats its back. A look of satisfaction passes over his face. Just then, the doll's head pops off and rolls across the counter. Jake quickly snatches it and screws it back on, then looks about uneasily.) (cut to: ) SCENE 9 (Helen and Jake's apartment, later) (A corner of the apartment, between the bedroom and living room, has been sectioned off by screens, forming a little "nook" large enough for a crib, a chest of drawers, and a few other baby items. Jake finishes putting up wallpaper on the screens, then takes a felt-tip pen and, with a big smile, marks off another day on a nearby calendar.) SINGING MAN: (OS) Doo doo doo. Daa daa daa. All I say... to you...! (Jake joins Helen in the kitchen, where she sits at the kitchen table, going over bills, her brows knit together on her frowning face.) JAKE: Hey Helen, come see! HELEN: (scans a receipt) Jake -- Play-Doh, Etch A Sketch, Connect Four?? Rubik's Cube?? JAKE: They're not just toys, Helen. They're *educational* tools. I want our kid to have every opportunity to learn and grow. HELEN: We can't afford to buy *basic* items let alone toys that he or she won't use for years. They'll have to go back. (Jake looks unhappy -- more so when Helen brings up the next subject.) HELEN: Jake, when I did our taxes a few weeks ago, I noted the income from SpinACE... or should I say the lack of it. (She strains to keep her voice pleasant.) When exactly do you expect to be in the black? JAKE: Oh... soon! The early phase is just investment. Anyway, enough about that... (He quickly steers her toward the half-finished nook.) JAKE: ... just look at the baby's room! HELEN: (pleased) Ohhh. Oh Jakey, it *does* look nice. I didn't think we could carve out any more space, but you did it. JAKE: Can you believe it's almost time? (Helen's face grows pensive, as it does every time the subject comes up.) HELEN: No, I can't. JAKE: You know I'm starting to feel okay with this being a father thing. Sure I still wake up bathed in sweat, heart hammering in my chest, but I'm sure the feeling will pass any day now. (He puts an arm around Helen as they look.) JAKE: Just think, a whole other person. Maybe someone who looks just like you and has your wonderful sexy appeal. (He leans in closer, before snapping back.) Not that I would think that way about our daughter! Oh God *no*! HELEN: (teasing) Or maybe someone tall and handsome like you, with your dreamy nature. JAKE: Do you think we can do it? Raise a kid to carry on the Revolution? HELEN: (sighs) Honestly, at this point I wouldn't care if our child joined the Moral Majority just as long as he's healthy. JAKE: Moral Majority?! (to Helen's belly.) She didn't mean that! HELEN: (laughs) Oh all right, maybe not *that* extreme. I just meant that since we *are* having a whole other person, maybe we shouldn't expect him to think the way we do. It just seems like what *really* matters is whether we can give him the opportunity to grow and develop. To be what *he* wants to be. JAKE: (suddenly solemn) Yeah. (As he looks at the nook and all of its things, he grows thoughtful.) (cut: ) SCENE 10 (Helen and Jake's bedroom, night) (Helen and Jake are in bed. Helen is forced to lie on her back now. She rubs her belly, feels the movement within, as Jake snores lightly beside her.) HELEN: (softly) You feel like a girl. (cut to: ) SCENE 11 (Howard's office, afternoon) (Howard stands near the window behind his desk, looking resigned, while his secretary sits in a chair, going over business matters.) HOWARD: He'll be here soon, trying to squeeze every bit of wisdom out of me before it's too late. What I don't understand is why he's never asked for a job. I really thought he would have by now. WILLIAMS: Maybe he doesn't want charity from his in-laws. HOWARD: (scoffs) He's not too good to accept a job from me. He must really think that spinach juice business is going places. Well I read the consumer report yesterday and it's little better than a lemonade stand. It'll never survive and my daughter will wind up carrying him. WILLIAMS: Why not offer him a job? HOWARD: (sighs) Then I'd have to see him *every* day. I only agreed to meet with him in the first place because of Helen and the baby. WILLIAMS: Sir, I think he could be good for you. Last fall I had him do some filing and he was very thorough. He strikes me as smart enough and certainly loyal. More than Dav-- some people... (She manages to hold back the name, but both know to whom she is referring.) HOWARD: (grudging) I guess Jacob's not the worst man on earth. If even half of the stories about his father are true, I'm surprised he's held together as well as he has. Maybe all he needs a firm hand, someone to lead him to his potential. Very well: If he won't ask me for a job this time, I'll offer. (Mrs. Williams scribbles this proclamation down. Suddenly, both she and Howard hear several angry shouts from the street below. Howard looks out the window onto the sidewalk, where Jake is kicking the door of his car, which refuses to stay shut.) JAKE: (OS) God *damn* stupid piece of crappy junk! Why do you have to keep *mocking* me?! Dammit, dammit, God *DAMMIT*! *DAMN YOU*! (Howard's expression darkens. In his mind, Jake could just as easily be doing that to his office furniture. Or his daughter.) (cut to: ) SCENE 12 (Helen's law office, afternoon) (Helen types frantically, her belly just barely fitting under her desk. As her boss approaches, she motions for him to come over.) HELEN: Mr. Matthews, could I double-check with you about who will be taking over the tainted water lawsuit the two weeks I'm gone? I want to coordinate with him before I go -- MATTHEWS: Two weeks?? HELEN: Yes. Don't you remember? Three months ago I asked if I could take my vacation days in one lump sum, and you said that would be fine. MATTHEWS: (alarmed) I must not have known that it would be two weeks. Oh no! HELEN: Yes, you did know. MATTHEWS: Hel-cat, this is the busiest advocacy season on record. We're a small outfit -- I can't afford to lose anyone for two days let alone two weeks. HELEN: Then just how many days *am* I allowed to take off? MATTHEWS: Definitely one to have the kid. And I know the hospitals freak out if you don't stay a couple of days, and you'll need a day to take the little ankle-biter home, though maybe not a whole day... HELEN: *Three* days. MATTHEWS: Oh hell, because you're you, Hel-cat, I'll give you the whole week. HELEN: (face pinched) Thank you, sir. (She tries to refocus on her letter, but can't concentrate. Her boss quickly notes her change in demeanor.) MATTHEWS: Aw Hel-cat, I'm getting bad vibes from you, and that's not normal. You don't think what I gave you is fair? HELEN: Oh... oh *yes*, it's just... I was really counting on those two weeks. Once I'm back full time, I won't have that many hours to spend with the baby. MATTHEWS: I know it's rough, Hel-cat. I'd love to take a whole year off to putter around Africa with the Peace Corps, but we've all got to make choices. You have a job here, and we couldn't do without you. So you could take off extra time to raise the kid, but that kind of screws us, don't you see? The boys are already giving me a hard time for catering to you during your pregnancy thing. (Helen bites back an angry laugh, as she can't think of a single time she's been accommodated the past eight months, other than her boss once offering to make the coffee.) HELEN: So what would happen -- hypothetically -- if I decided that I needed to stay home with my newborn an extra week? MATTHEWS: Well... (He scratches his balding head.) You'd be putting me in an awkward position, Hel-cat. It would really, really kill me, but I've got to think of the boys, too. HELEN: You would fire me?? MATTHEWS: Oh lord, don't use that word. Such an ugly word. I hate that word -- *hate* it! I hope never to put *that* word and you together. HELEN: You can't do without me for a week, yet you'd get rid of me completely?? MATTHEWS: It's a precedent thing. If you took extra time off, what's to stop the boys from doing the same? This place would fall apart. You understand, don't you? HELEN: Yes. I understand. MATTHEWS: I'm really going out on a limb giving you even a week. When the boys hear about this, they'll hit the roof so hard, the floor above'll cave in. HELEN: (hollow) Don't worry. I probably won't even need that long. (cut to: ) SCENE 13 (Helen and Jake's apartment, later) (Jake is on the floor in the baby's "nook," putting together a mobile while the last lines of "Look at Me" from John Lennon's "Plastic Ono Band" album play on the stereo in the living room.) JAKE: (sniffs) Still bigger than Jesus, man. (struggles with the mobile.) God *dammit*! (Helen enters the apartment, still with the sick, hollowed-out expression from work. She wanders into the living room as if in a dream and doesn't even hear Jake when he calls her the first time.) JAKE: Helen? Is that you? (She shakes herself to alertness and rounds the corner, where Jake holds up the mobile fragments proudly.) JAKE: I saw this on sale and I knew the baby would *love* it. It's a solar system that changes color as it spins around, giving off this soothing vibe that's supposed to calm the baby down. Hmm, *I* could use one of those... HELEN: How much was it? JAKE: Well as I said, it was on sale-- HELEN: How. Much. JAKE: Um, twenty dollars. But it'll-- HELEN: We can't afford it. (angry) We can't afford *any* of this! JAKE: (nervous) Honey, we talked about this. Forty easy payments... HELEN: And what if I lose my job?! My job is all we have. If I lose it, we've got nothing! No income, no savings. We'll lose everything! (Jake jumps up, puts his hands gently on her shoulders.) JAKE: I know money's tight, but we'll be okay. We're rounding a corner... HELEN: (fierce) Jake, you need to get a job. JAKE: I have a job. HELEN: No, a *real* one with a steady income. JAKE: (anger) Oh, so that's what you think? I've just been screwing around?! HELEN: I think you've been living out a fantasy and I've been letting you! JAKE: What fantasy?! HELEN: Where you get to pretend that you're back on the commune, growing your own food, making health food drinks without a care in the world. I let you to show that I had faith in you, but also because I didn't want to admit that it was over. But I can't do that anymore -- not when my job barely covers our expenses! We need *two* salaries if we're to have any hope of supporting a child! (Jakes face burns, but there's a sense of agreement between them, as if both have known that this conversation was coming and are glad to finally have it out.) HELEN: (softer) Jake, we can't afford to live forever in the *now*, taking risks without thinking of the challenges ahead. We have to prepare for the day when our tiny newborn outgrows this space, when all *three* of us outgrow this apartment. Do you really think that even if SpinACE is a success, it will be enough? JAKE: (exhales softly) No. (Helen looks surprised and relieved. She had dreaded having to spend long, agonizing hours trying to knock some sense into her husband.) JAKE: Aw hell, I've been thinking this over a lot lately. I never want to be "the Man," but damned if I don't like some of his things. When we gave up the rental for our old car, I had to duck behind the fender so you wouldn't see me crying. HELEN: Oh, Jake. JAKE: (uncomfortable) It really started back when I test-drove Calvin and Vanessa's new car. From that point on, I knew it was only a matter of time. (erupts) I hate buying everything second hand! And I hate feeling like everyone looks down on us because we're poor! HELEN: (tender) Honey, being a stable wage earner doesn't make you "the Man." Sometimes we have to make these trade offs in life -- more financial freedom in exchange for employment that might not entirely meet our ideals. JAKE: Helen, I asked your father for a job. HELEN: (surprised) You did? When? JAKE: About a week ago. I've been meeting up with him, getting tips on how to be a good dad. I asked him not to tell you. After the way you criticized your parents, I thought if you knew, you'd think I'd sold out. HELEN: Oh Jakey, I would never have thought that. What did he say? JAKE: He said yes. (He looks pleased for a moment, but the smile quickly fades away.) HELEN: But what? You don't want to work for him? JAKE: Oh, I've always wanted to! He's such an important man and I could learn everything he knows! It's just that... I don't know if I'd be working with him so much at this job... HELEN: What kind of job is it? JAKE: It's a traveling sales position. I'd go up and down the East Coast, meeting with developers and drumming up interest for good ol' Eastern aluminum siding. HELEN: (frowns) Would there be any down time? JAKE: (strained excited) I don't know, because soon we might expand to the Midwest, then maybe even across the whole country. If I work my way up, someday I could be running the company along with David. HELEN: *David*?? (She starts to feel as though something is very wrong.) JAKE: I know he's got a lot more experience than me, but I can catch up. HELEN: (touched) That sounds exciting, Jake, but to be honest, I don't like the idea of you being away so much. JAKE: But it could bring in a lot of money for you and the baby. HELEN: I'd rather have you. (Jake's face colors with relief. He takes Helen into his arms.) JAKE: Oh thank God. I don't want the job, but I thought it was our best shot at a decent life. HELEN: We'll figure something else out. It might not be perfect, but it will be *ours*, and that's all that matters. (She sinks into Jake's embrace, and they hold each other as the last lines from "God" trickle out.) RECORD: I was the Dreamweaver But now I'm reborn I was the Walrus But now I'm John And so dear friends You'll just have to carry on The dream is over. (Jake's eyes grow a little sad, but accepting.) (cut to: ) SCENE 14 (outside of Howard's office, evening) (Helen enters, grim faced, and approaches the secretary's desk.) WILLIAMS: Mrs. Morgendorffer, how are you? HELEN: I'm fine, Mrs. Williams. Is my father available? WILLIAMS: He's on a business call. HELEN: Then I'll wait. (She walks directly into his office.) (cut to: ) SCENE 15 (Howard's office) (Helen enters to find her father finishing up the call. She lays down her purse in one of the chairs, but remains standing herself. Howard, who was partially turned when she entered, now looks at her very pregnant form with amused astonishment. A few moments later, he ends the call.) HOWARD: Helen Anne, what are you doing here? You look as though you're about to burst at any moment. HELEN: (distracted) No, no, I've still got two weeks. I came by to talk about Jake. HOWARD: What about him? HELEN: Dad, Jake told me that you offered him a traveling sales position? HOWARD: That's right. What, did he turn it down and send you to tell me? HELEN: No, not at all. It's just... we really appreciate your offer, but couldn't you find him another job? HOWARD: Honey, they don't make jobs with two-hour lunches anymore. HELEN: That's not what I'm saying. (She feels a prick of irritation.) I mean a job that would keep him close to home. That sales job sounds like it would have him on the road most of the year. HOWARD: I did the best I could, but there's no such thing as the perfect entry- level job. I didn't start David at the top -- would it be fair to start Jacob there? (Helen looks at her father and tries to convince herself that in spite of his coldness toward Jake, he would not have bad intentions.) HELEN: No. I just didn't think... but Dad, about David. HOWARD: Yes? HELEN: Jake said that David would be taking over the company someday. Why on earth would you tell him such a thing? HOWARD: What do you mean "why on earth"?? HELEN: Oh Dad, David couldn't manage an egg in an omelet. You and I both know you'd never risk the company's accounts with him. HOWARD: (smirks a little, acknowledges) All right, so maybe I did *stretch* the truth a little about David's prospects. (He looks into his daughter's unsmiling face.) HELEN: Why would you do that? HOWARD: I was just trying to motivate your husband. HELEN: By making him feel inferior to that... that *lush*? HOWARD: (sits up straighter, but still a hint of amusement) Helen Anne Barksdale, if your sister heard you right now. HELEN: I wish she *had* heard me six years ago before she married him! And yet you tell my husband that he can only *aspire* to David's level?! HOWARD: (smirk disappearing) Young lady, settle down. HELEN: Dad, I am an *adult*, I will not -- (She shakes her head, takes a deep breathe.) I just don't understand -- there wasn't *one* basic entry-level nine- to-five job available? HOWARD: What if I told you there was? So what? HELEN: (softly, firm) So tell me the truth. HOWARD: Sweetheart, don't give me that look. I was just doing what I thought was best. Your husband is nice enough, but he's callow and bad tempered and needs to mature before he can be the head of a household. HELEN: And keeping him away from the household is the best way to do it? HOWARD: You see him through starry eyes, Helen Anne, the way Rita sees David, and it's your right. But I've lived long enough to see the world as it really is, and I can tell you that a man like *that*, the way he is now, will just wind up hurting you. HELEN: And since I'm so blinded by my love, not to mention my youth, I couldn't possibly take the necessary action on my own. HOWARD: (reddening) Believe me, I only did this because I cared. If he screws *this* up, too, we'll help you provide for the baby. We were never going to leave you to your own defenses. HELEN: (soft, has difficulty speaking) And while Jake is on the road, if I should just *happen* to meet someone else...? (She feels herself sinking as she looks her father in the eye. The redness stays in his cheeks, but does not spread throughout his face as it does when he is about to explode. Instead, he grows solemn.) HOWARD: You're still young. Even bright young people make rash decisions. (Helen clutches her stomach, feeling an urge to flee. She can't believe, in spite of their differences, that her father would be so controlling and indifferent of her wishes. After a moment, she steadies herself.) HELEN: (quiet) Dad, I know you think -- the whole family thinks -- I really let go back in college. I'll admit, there were things I did then that I regret, but falling in love with Jake isn't one of them. (Hearing this, a perceptible shadow falls over Howard's face.) HELEN: He might not be perfect, but he's the kindest, gentlest man I know, and no one will ever love me the way he does. Whether he finds a job or not, we'll get through it together. Without help from you. HOWARD: (dark) In that case, why waste my time here any longer? (Looking at his face, so distant and cold, Helen feels tears in her eyes, borne of a need since childhood for him to love her. Still she raises her chin.) HELEN: Dad, I needed that time in college to figure out who I was, and I'm proud of where it led me. I might not be the same person I was then, but those experiences will always be a part of me. If you can't accept that, I have nothing more to say to you. (Howard has turned partially in his chair by this time. Helen waits for a response, but is met with silence. She turns and walks swiftly out of the office. Howard listens to her footsteps echo into the distance, his face one of stone, but his eyes showing just the faintest hint of regret. After a minute or so, Howard notices Helen's purse left behind in the chair. He hits the button on his intercom.) HOWARD: (grim) Mrs. Williams, my daughter left her purse here. Could you run out and bring it to her? WILLIAMS: (OS) Yes, Mr. Barksdale. (cut to:) SCENE 16 (outside parking lot) (Mrs. Williams opens the door to the outside, walks out, and looks around.) WILLIAMS: Mrs. Morgendorffer? I have your purse. (She heads toward the brown station wagon.) Mrs. Morg -- (She finds Helen leaning against the driver's side door, trying to control her jagged breathing. A large, wet stain has spread out beneath her.) HELEN: (gasps) Oh thank you -- I couldn't drive without my keys. WILLIAMS: (alarmed) I don't think you can drive at all. HELEN: Oh *no*, my water just broke. It should take hours before... (She's overcome by the pain of a contraction, and barely suppresses a cry. She takes a deep breath and exhales slowly, waiting for the contraction to pass.) HELEN: (weak) ... before I'm due to deliver. WILLIAMS: Mrs. Morgendorffer, get in the passenger side. *I'll* drive. You're in no condition to drive yourself to the hospital. HELEN: Don't be *silly*. I'm perfectly capable of... (Then she looks down at the wet ground below and at the swollen belly she could barely fit behind the steering wheel.) The brakes stick. And the gearshift can be a little unpredictable in this old relic. WILLIAMS: Not a problem, I'm all too familiar with testy old cars. My husband once drove a Model-T. HELEN: And you work for my father. (Mrs. Williams gently escorts Helen to the passenger side.) (cut to: ) SCENE 17 (maternity ward) (Helen lies in her hospital bed, the bedside phone to her ear. Mrs. Williams sits in a nearby chair. After a moment, Helen lays the phone back on the hook.) HELEN: (distressed) Still no answer at home. And he's not at Ned's office or the SpinACE stand or any of his usual haunts. When I *need* Jake to rush to the hospital, he's nowhere to be found! (She tries to stifle a small, nagging fear that her father was right.) WILLIAMS: (soothing) Don't you worry, I'm sure he'll turn up soon. HELEN: How?? He doesn't even know I'm here. WILLIAMS: Oh I sent a messenger to leave a note on your door letting him know. Hopefully that should do it. Have you considered getting an answering machine? HELEN: (stunned) Thank you... (Her cheeks flush.) You know, you don't have to stay here with me if you don't want. I'll be all right. WILLIAMS: Maybe so, but you look as though you could use someone to talk to. HELEN: It's just so hard to take in. It's finally happening. All that planning and before I know it... I'll be someone's mother. (She tries to smile, but her face is pinched with worry, which her father's secretary notices.) WILLIAMS: Oh yes, that time right before your first birth is always the scariest. I remember just shaking before my son George was born, imagining the pain I would feel. But in the end, it wasn't so bad. HELEN: *Please*, if a little pain were all I cared about, I'd be grooving at the disco. (strained sob.) No, I'm worried that I'll be an awful mother. (Mrs. Williams looks a little surprised, then smiles with a touch of amusement.) HELEN: I hate children, *hate* them! And not just small children -- *all* of them. Babies, toddlers, preteens, preschoolers. I hate the sound of their voices. I hate their sticky hands, and that they have absolutely *no* regard for anyone who isn't them. I've tried to understand them, but the best I can do is *not* plunge my fingernails into their eye sockets deep enough to make blood spurt out. Jake's been worried that he'll lose control, but no, *I'm* the one who has to worry. I'm just terrible! WILLIAMS: Oh my dear, no you're not. HELEN: Please don't pretend. WILLIAMS: I'm not pretending. Mrs. Morgendorffer, I don't like children, either. I'm an orderly woman, and small children tend to work against that. (Helen wipes a tear out of her eye.) HELEN: You're not just saying that to make me feel better? WILLIAMS: Heavens, no. I think most of them are so appallingly spoiled these days. I wasn't even sure I would love my sons when they were born. But what I found is that it really *does* make a difference when they're your own. HELEN: (lowers her eyes) My mother never bonded with me. It's affected our relationship to this day. I tell myself that I'm different from her, but so many of the things she does *I* do, too. What makes me think I'd be better than she is?? WILLIAMS: Well, the way I see it, we're each of us our person, which means that no relationship can happen twice. And having known you since you were a teenager, Mrs. Morgendorffer -- HELEN: Please, in that case call me "Helen." WILLIAMS: Helen, I know you'll do everything in your power to make it work. HELEN: Yes, but everything I've gone after before has been fixed. Once the baby is born, I'll have to be patient and loving even when I feel anything but. I just don't know if it's possible. WILLIAMS: (smiles) It's not, as far as I can tell. You'll hate some of the things your children do, and there could be days when you don't even like *them*. That doesn't mean you don't love them or that your relationship is ruined. Trust me: You'll have a much easier time if you accept right off that none of you will ever be perfect. (Helen feels a little lighter.) WILLIAMS: At the same time, there are *some* things you can control. If you don't want to raise a spoiled brat, be prepared to say "no." Some parents act like they've lost the ability to twist their mouths in that shape. (She and Helen both chuckle. Helen looks more relaxed, but concern still weighs on her shoulders. After a moment or two of silence, Mrs. Williams touches her hand.) WILLIAMS: There's a lot to love about a child, too. I know you wonder whether you're capable of such love, but I wouldn't sell yourself short. The fact that you'd worry so much about how you'll treat your child tells me that you're more than capable. And your husband -- I can see how much he loves you. The two of you, working together, should be just fine. (Having someone validate her feelings for the first time, Helen allows herself to believe that things might just work out after all. She turns to this unexpected mother figure with a smile on her lips.) HELEN: For fifteen years you've been my father's secretary, and I don't even know your name. WILLIAMS: (surprised) Oh, it's Dolly. That's what I've always gone by, although it's really a nickname. My real name is a bit more unusual... (cut to: ) SCENE 18 (maternity ward, later) (Jake bursts into Helen's room, dressed in a suit and tie. He races for the bed.) JAKE: Helen! Helen! HELEN: Jake! Thank God! JAKE: Am I too late?! Did I miss it?! HELEN: Yes Jake, I'm just lying here with this enormous belly out of nostalgia. (Bt) My contractions are so far apart, it could be hours before I deliver. Where were you?? JAKE: I got a job! HELEN: A real-- a full-time job?? JAKE: With a salary and everything! I'd sent some resumes out at the same time I applied to your dad, and one of them asked me to come in and interview and I did and they hired me! Can you believe it?! HELEN: Oh Jakey, that's wonderful news! JAKE: It's an entry-level position, not a lot of money. And it's not the most exciting or progressive place in the world -- just some old paper company. But it's solid, and if I stay there, I can work my way up to the top someday. HELEN: I think that sounds just fine. JAKE: I've been a grown man for years, but filling out all those forms was the first time I really felt like one. WILLIAMS: (smiles) On that note, I'll leave you two alone. HELEN: Thank you for everything. JAKE: Yeah, thanks! (Mrs. Williams gives Helen's hand a squeeze of encouragement. Nodding a "Good luck" to her and Jake, she leaves.) HELEN: You know I'm pretty damn lucky to have you. JAKE: I'm lucky to have you, too. (He takes her into his arms and kisses her passionately.) JAKE: Now let's go have a baby! DARIA: (VO from the present) And with that, the little miracle was born, and all was right with the world. HELEN: (VO) HA! (cut to: ) SCENE 19 (maternity ward, much later) (Jake sits beside Helen's bed, exhausted and fidgety, with a five o'clock shadow.) HELEN: (VO) If *only* it were that simple. (Helen enters the room from the outer hall, still wearing the ass-baring hospital gown -- which she tries to keep closed -- and still quite pregnant.) HELEN: (raging) Honest to GOD, how many *goddamn* times do I have to walk down that *goddamn* hallway before I'm ten centimeters dilated?! JAKE: (crabby) Don't ask me! I'm not the doctor! HELEN: *Shut up*! Just *SHUT UP*! It's *your* fault I'm like this! Oh God how I *hate* you! JAKE: Oh yeah?! This isn't exactly a roll in the roses for me, either! HELEN: Thirty-five hours! This baby's *never* coming out! (She looks down at her swollen belly.) *You*. You're doing this on purpose, aren't you?! After all the months I've carried you, *this* is how you repay me?! Ohhh, just *wait* until you're born! (Overcome by pain and exhaustion, she starts weeping.) JAKE: Aw honey... (He goes over and puts his arms around her. She leans against him.) HELEN: I didn't mean it. I'm just *so* tired... (The doctor enters.) DOCTOR: (cheerful) Hi Helen. Let's check for those last two centimeters. (Helen opens her mouth and a lion's roar comes out.) DOCTOR: (unnerved) And not a moment too soon. (cut to: ) SCENE 20 (delivery room, later) HELEN: (VO from the present) So after long hours of agonizing labor... (Helen, Jake, and the doctor are in the midst of delivery.) DOCTOR: I see the head! Just one more push. (Helen, all the while crying and screaming, squeezes Jake's hand so hard that he drops to his knees in pain.) DOCTOR: Yes... yes... here it comes... you've *got* it! Great job! HELEN: (VO) ... the little miracle was born. (Helen lets go of Jake and falls back against her pillow in exhaustion. Jake waves the feeling back into his hand as he scrambles to his feet to see the results of his wife's labor.) JAKE: *HGH*! (He immediately turns white and falls back into the chair.) DOCTOR: It's a girl. (On cue, the little red bundle, whose cord has just been cut, lets out a rusty wail. Against the pillow, Helen breathes heavily, listening to the strange sound, her expression one of disbelief. Then it dawns on her that the wailing is coming from her daughter, and her lips part in a small smile of wonder.) (Jake lifts his head dazedly, the sound filling his ears like something from another world. He looks at Helen for guidance.) JAKE: Did he say "girl"? HELEN: Yes, he did. (Jake manages to stagger over to his wife's side as the doctor hands the baby to a nurse to be cleaned off.) JAKE: A girl. A beautiful baby girl. (Helen notes the pure joy with which he spoke, and gives him a loving look that immediately cancels out all of her previous anger. She puts her arms around him and they both start laughing and crying.) DARIA: (VO from the present) Ugh. *Stop*. HELEN: (VO, amused) Oh come on, would you have rather we *didn't* want you? (cut to: ) SCENE 21 (maternity ward, later) (Several hours later, the infant is cleaned up, wearing a knit cap, snuggled in a blanket, and fast asleep. Jake sits on the edge of Helen's bed, holding her.) JAKE: She's so tiny. (frightened) I'm not holding her too tight, am I?? HELEN: You're doing fine. *Oh*, look at her itty bitty hands... JAKE: So this is Quinn, huh? HELEN: Actually, Jake, I was wondering how you'd feel about the name "Daria." JAKE: Daria? HELEN: It's Mrs. Williams's first name. She was such a help to me when I first arrived. I know it's out of the blue, but it would really be nice if we could thank her somehow. JAKE: (remembering her past help) Sounds good to me. "Daria." Hey, that's kind of pretty. HELEN: It is, isn't it? JAKE: (crooning) "Before you cross the street, take my hand. Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans..." (He lowers the bundle down to Helen.) JAKE: "Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful boy. Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful b--" girl! I meant *girl*! Oh my God, Helen, I hope I didn't just give her a complex! (Helen looks at the newborn lovingly.) HELEN: Oh Jakey, I think she'll be just fine. (cut to: ) SCENE 22 (Morgendorffer living room, present) (Daria and Helen sit on the living room couch.) HELEN: All right, so the origin of your name wasn't that deep or well thought out. It just came from someone who cared about us when we needed it most, and once we settled on it, the name just *fit* you. And sometimes, I daresay, you remind me of her. Your way of helping people when they least expect it. (She looks at Daria with a gentle "Well, what do you think?".) DARIA: Hmmm. Nice save. HELEN: (smiles) We still liked the name "Quinn," so when our second "miracle" came along, well... you have to admit that no one can carry off such a cute name like your sister. DARIA: I guess if one of us had to get the trendy name... (Then, serious.) What happened to Grandpa? I've got some vague memories of him. You didn't--? HELEN: Break off contact with him? No... (Dissolve to shot of an ebullient Jake leading Howard and Evelyn down a hospital corridor. All three pause in front of a large plate-glass window, which looks down upon rows of newborn babies. Jake points to Daria in the center, who is being attended to by a nurse. Daria opens her eyes a crack and makes a little "Leave me alone" gesture with her arm. Above, her proud grandparents watch with amusement and misty-eyed sentiment.) HELEN: (VO from the present) We made up, though things were never quite the same between us. Which was probably for the best. It meant that my father no longer saw me as perpetually eighteen, but as the mature woman I was. But more importantly, he never again spoke harshly of your father -- in my presence, anyhow. (Dissolve to the present. Helen's expression saddens.) HELEN: Then, of course, in '86 his heart gave out. In spite of his health problems, it was a shock to the whole family. I was grateful that when he left, I was on good terms with him. I can't say the same for all of us. (She lapses into silence, worn out from all her talking. Daria feels drained, too -- relieved to learn the origin of her name, emotionally wrung out by the knowledge of what her parents experienced. She stands to go to her room.) DARIA: Hey, Mom? HELEN: Yes, honey? DARIA: What you said about being worried... I know I don't say it often enough, but even though you didn't stop at one child... you've been a pretty good mother. (Helen's eyes cloud over momentarily, as she remembers her conversation with Mr. Matthews. All of the compromises and sacrifices she's made over the years, some of which got in the way of bonding with her children, come flooding back.) HELEN: (softly) I hope so, Daria. DARIA: And now I know the origin of my sadistic gene. HELEN: (cocks a brow) It only activates during labor. (Daria turns and leaves. Before disappearing upstairs, she gives Helen an unmistakable look: "Thanks." Helen smiles back at her, then sinks back against the couch cushion, realizing that most of the day is gone. She suddenly hears a noise behind her and finds Jake approaching from the kitchen, having entered through the sliding glass door.) HELEN: Jake? How long were you listening? JAKE: Just long enough to make sure things were okay with Daria. HELEN: Yes, I think she'll be fine. How's Quinn? JAKE: Oh, after I told her she couldn't keep the car, some of her boyfriends offered to buy it for her. Isn't that nice? HELEN: *Jake*. JAKE: Hey, better them than me! HELEN: We'll make her return it. (She sighs with amused exasperation, then sees that Jake's face is subdued. She motions for him to sit down. Jake sinks onto the couch beside her.) HELEN: (softly) You know until today I had forgotten about what happened with Dad. I guess I was so used to seeing him as a hero that I never realized just how awful he was to you. JAKE: Aw honey, he was just a father who loved his girls. I can't say I would have been any different. (Helen takes his hand.) HELEN: Maybe so, but you never deserved any of it. You were so wonderful about everything... if I ever had any doubts about marrying you, I never did after that. I love you, Jake. (Jake's cheeks flush, hearing Helen's rare heartfelt words.) JAKE: I love you, too, Helen. HELEN: We haven't said that to each other nearly enough lately, have we? JAKE: I guess not. You've just been away so much. With work, sculpting, or something... it just feels like you're always somewhere else. HELEN: (pensive) Yes... (She looks at him meaningfully, squeezes his hand.) HELEN: It's still early yet. Why don't we do something together? Take a walk, or-- JAKE: (sly) Or we could work on Baby Number Three. HELEN: Daria would hear us. JAKE: Not if we went in the basement. HELEN: *Jake*. (Bt) Oh all right, if we hurry... (Jake makes a few growling sounds like a dog. Helen makes a few purring sounds. Then, laughing, she rushes toward the basement, while Jake follows.) ********************** THE END [roll the credits......................... end song: "(Just Like) Starting Over" by John Lennon] COMMENTARY Note that this is written in 2007, more than seven years after this fanfic was begun... I'm not exactly sure how I came up with the idea to write a flashback episode, whether I'd always wanted to or because my friends and fellow authors, C.E. Forman and John Berry, were writing them. I know that I chose the time period before Daria's birth because of them. If I had ever been inclined to write a "Helen and Jake in the 1960s" fanfic, I soon learned that Forman had already assumed the task (and back then, we all tried to avoid treading in territory that other authors covered). I considered writing a fanfic in which Daria and Quinn were small children back in Highland, but found out that John Berry was planning a fanfic set during this time period. So I thought: "Fine, then. I'll do something in between. How about the months before Daria is born?" I wasn't sure how I would mine this time period for material, but soon found that it was filled with rich emotional possibilities, from the transition from the more permissive 70's to the conservative 80's to Helen and Jake coming to terms with the fact that their hippie youth is long gone. Plus, I could have a little fun with regard to their future children, such as the decision to name Daria "Quinn." As I noted in the beginning, "The Age of Cynicism" is a bit of an unofficial sequel to Forman's "Fireworks." With that in mind, I originally set out to give my fanfic the same lively tone. However, I quickly ran into roadblocks. "Fireworks" had the advantage of exploring a natural coming-of-age story (Jake meets the woman of his dreams and becomes a man), with an exciting backdrop and a wealth of 1960's songs to choose from. "The Age of Cynicism," by contrast, was about what happens when the party's over. 1980 produced some memorable events (as mentioned in the fic), but it just couldn't match the turbulence of the late 1960's, and while there was a lot of quality music, much of it was the type that would never play on Helen and Jake's stereo. (At least, I don't think they would listen to The Police, The Clash, Blondie, or Peter Gabriel.) Then there was the fact that I wanted to make the time period as authentic as possible, which meant doing research. However, I had just graduated from my university, was in the process of moving home, and was about to embark on a trip to Europe. I was too frazzled to do extensive research on parenting trends/fads of 1980 and, after having paused the Driven Wild Universe to write "Abruptly Amy (The Spinoff That Never Was)," I was losing my enthusiasm for writing DWU episodes altogether. For a short time in May 2000, I weighed my options. I had written a little over one act's worth of material. In addition to research, the problem that now confronted me was where the fanfic would go. In "Fireworks" it was "boy meets girl, boy almost loses girl, boy gets girl." In "The Age of Cynicism," it was "boy and girl prepare for baby," which in itself doesn't have any inherent drama (just scenes of Helen and Jake going to Lamaze classes and making up the baby's room). Then there was the fact that I decided to inject a little more Daria into my fanfic by having her learn that her name was going to be Quinn. It was a nice idea, but it set up this expectation that Daria would be more involved when, in fact, the fanfic is mainly Helen and Jake's story. It created an awkward clashing in the plotline that I don't think I've been able to resolve. In any event, in May 2000, I decided that if I were ever going to complete the DWU, I would have to skip "The Age of Cynicism" and write "Charge of the Math Brigade." I felt bad doing it, but it kept the momentum alive, enabling me to eventually write the final episode "Tomorrow Never Knows." Still, I always planned to finish "The Age of Cynicism." Scenes played themselves out in my mind that I longed to include in the story, such as Jake and Howard's bonding (or "bonding") and the confrontation scene between Jake and Helen ending with the last lines of "God." I never felt that the DWU was genuinely finished without a completed TAoC. I would love to finish my post DWU fanfics, "Working Girl" and "The Winter Chill," but those are much denser, more complex stories that would each be novella length. They will always be "post-DWU," whereas "The Age of Cynicism" is part of a specific set and thus harder to ignore. Once my other writing was cleared away, I decided to take another crack at finishing the story. Ironically, I approach it with a better understanding now, given that I am roughly the same age as Helen and Jake and am about to undergo a difficult transition of my own. I dealt with the historical research problem by steering clear of parenting theory and just sticking with what I thought Helen and Jake would value at that time. My research was confined to noting when the Rubik's Cube became big, when the ERA fizzled out, and exactly how badly beaten Carter was by Reagan in the 1980 election. As for the John Lennon music, it just so happens that I'm a fan and therefore already knew when he died and what album he had just put out. Otherwise, I used vague memories I had of the early 80's as a guide, in terms of what toys were available and what color furniture existed at the time (ugly, ugly stuff). The harder task was synthesizing the earlier material with the later material. The earlier material had a lighter tone, whereas the scenes I had yet to write were darker. I hope I didn't disappoint anyone who expected a light, funny "Lisa's First Word" and instead got "I Married Marge." Then there was the fact that this really isn't a story in the typical sense. Yes, a common thread is woven throughout, but unlike most of my other DWU fics, save "Surreal World," the scenes do not always build on one another. There aren't really any unpredictable moments, except possibly when Helen gets the idea to name her baby "Daria." The fic feels slow to me, and I tried trimming some parts, but I don't know if it could be fully dealt with due to the structure. So how would TAoC have been different had I written it all in 2000? It might have been lighter overall, which might have made it less satisfying to read. Definitely it wouldn't have had that moment in the end where Helen and Jake reveal that they've been growing apart. I also had the benefit of knowing how all of the following DWUs played out and therefore tailored my story accordingly. I wound up rereading not only "None in the Family," but also "Erin the Head," "All But Forgotten/Memory Road," and "Into the Fire" to make sure that there were no inconsistencies. Even so, I'm sure I'll find at least one. I'll address any perceived inconsistencies in a bit. A beta reader asked: Had I written "The Age of Cynicism" in the proper order, would I have still split up Helen and Jake? I would say all signs point to Yes. I always had planned a scene in which Helen defended Jake to Howard, so that scene alone wouldn't have changed anything. The seeds for Helen and Jake's separation were planted as early as "None in the Family" and were cultivated in "Breaking the Mold." "An Uneasy Marriage" just broke everything wide open and "Memory Road" was the inevitable result. Still, as I told the beta reader, Helen and Jake's reformed bond in "Tomorrow Never Knows" suggests that a reconciliation might not be unlikely. Perceived Inconsistencies One difficult part of having a flashback fic is having the behavior line up with whatever the characters say in the present. For instance, Amy tells Joel in "Memory Road" that she was in an "all-girl punk band"; I altered it slightly because I couldn't see Amy as hard-core punk. Instead, I made her band a blend of punk and New Wave, with emphasis on the latter. Then there is Jake's relationship with Howard. In "None in the Family" and "The Age of Cynicism," he seems curiously unaffected by signs that Howard is not universally respected (such as Helen and Amy's exchanges with him at the dinner table) continuing to cling to the vision of him as a flawless patriarch until shown otherwise. One could see this as Jake's desperate need to have a father figure to admire. Even after "None in the Family," the admiration does not stop. Helen's interactions with Howard might seem contradictory as well, given that she is obviously frank with him about his faults in "The Age of Cynicism," yet tells Amy in "All But Forgotten" that she shook Helen's solid beliefs about their dad's flawlessness. I could explain by noting that regardless of their disagreements, Helen, like Jake, revered her father and had since childhood. As Helen tells Daria, although she was sickened by Howard's attempt to control her life, she quickly forgave him and remained on good terms. My feeling is that Helen's affection for "Daddy" was so strong that from his funeral onward, she simply put any problems between them out of her mind, only to be reminded once again in "None in the Family." Then in "Memory Road," Amy tells Joel that Helen loved her like a mother. Yet in "The Age of Cynicism," Evelyn states that Helen wasn't exactly kind to her sisters during her babysitting periods. I would say that Helen probably did grumble when assigned to the task of babysitting, and did yell at her sisters and generally stress out. However, Amy must have picked up on a ray of genuine love for her to make the statement she made, that Helen loved her more than Evelyn did. It is possible that Evelyn knew of Amy's feelings and was projecting some resentment. What about Evelyn's lines to Amy toward the end of "None in the Family, Part Two"? "I could have said something, though. At least where your father was concerned. I did... see some of the things he did... It would make me so angry sometimes..." In "The Age of Cynicism," Amy clearly knew that Evelyn saw what Howard "did" (hit her, or threatened to) in her bedroom. However, with regard to the quote, I would say that Evelyn is referring to Howard's treatment of Amy when she was a child. I think it would be a mistake to view Howard as merely gruff, but loveable. He can get very, frighteningly angry. Since Amy was the first of his daughters to be around him from infancy onward, Howard would not have had much exposure to boisterous young girls, and quite likely took his anger out on her through shouting or minor physical abuse that would have been considered "acceptable discipline" in parts of the country back then. Let me be clear that Howard wasn't usually physically abusive so much as emotionally, and unfortunately, Amy was often his target, either due to her youth or after she "smart-assed" him, the latter being more common when Amy was older. Joel tells Helen that he thinks Amy wishes she could have gotten to know her father as an adult, and indeed, I think their relationship would have changed. It wouldn't have closed all the wounds, but it would have been better. One scene I regret cutting is an extended scene in TAoC where all of the Barksdales are opening gifts. Amy makes a quip, Howard responds in kind, and for one moment, father and daughter understand one another. As an aside: Howard was right -- Amy *did* return to the Barksdale house later that night, realizing that she had few options back at college. Chastened, Howard is much nicer to her than he might have been otherwise, and Christmas Day passes with a sort of tense, exhausted calm. That is why the incident failed to play a greater part in Helen or Amy's accounts of their past. And whither Aunt Eleanor, C.E. Forman's creation that I alluded to in "None in the Family"? She and Amy were supposedly so close, yet no reference? I would just say that there wasn't really a way to fit her in. She might have been referenced in the extended gift-opening scene, but it wasn't to be. Just assume she would have sent her favorite niece something she liked and impersonal gifts to everyone else. Which reminds me: Jake says "Merry Christmas" to Howard, but isn't he Jewish?? Sure, but Jake would hardly be the first Jewish man to marry a Christian woman and celebrate her holidays. In fact, given the abuse he claims to have received from other kids for being Jewish (in "Primarily Color"), he was probably thrilled to have the opportunity to celebrate the majority faith's holidays. (If I wanted to stretch the flashback scenes in "Of Human Bonding" to fit, I could argue that maybe just Ruth was Jewish, or that Mad Dog was a self-hating Jew, which led the family to celebrate holidays like Christmas in a secular manner.) Finally, there's the issue of Amy's contempt for Helen in the scene where she's fighting with her parents. It's not really an inconsistency, but brings up the question of why this wasn't addressed in other fanfics where Helen plays a prominent role. In some ways it is -- Amy tells Helen that she grew disillusioned with her in "Memory Road." Yet Amy also talked about loving the "old" Helen as full of energy and optimism. Wasn't the "old" Helen the 60's idealist? I'd say yes, and that Amy viewed her through rose-colored lenses, but got a darker view of her sister when she saw the toll her activities took on the family. Then, as Amy grew older, disillusion set in, some of it due to exposure to the less cool, fallible career woman Helen. An alternate view of her sister formed in her mind, in which Helen was a selfish hedonist (largely based on hippie stereotype and her parents' fearful speculation) who didn't care whom she hurt. That view seemed to mesh better with adult Helen and Amy held on to it until "The Tie That Chokes"/ "None in the Family," and the rest. I think in the present day, she's learning what is fact and what is myth about her sister's past. Then, of course, there are inconsistencies with the show. Actually, there aren't really, except that in an interview, Glenn Eichler confirmed that Amy was only five or six years younger than Helen and that Rita was the oldest. Since the DWU age order had already been established, I couldn't do much about that. An Amy who was 24 would likely have refrained from joining a rock band or chopping off her hair, and have a more adult relationship with Howard, but still would have liked punk and New Wave. (I didn't start liking hard rock and classic rock until my 20's, consequently.) Another inconsistency isn't shown, but I refuse to link my chronology to the awful flashback in "Sappy Anniversary," which was wrong for so many reasons. I'm assuming the "commitment ceremony" referred to Helen and Jake's wedding, right? Which would place the scene in 1976. I think Helen's hair was appropriate for the period (but wrong on her), but Jake would not still have that long hippie hair; his hair in the _Daria Diaries_ fit the time period better and was what I based his TAoC appearance on. Also, they were in a Jacuzzi, and Jake was spouting a bunch of phony Marxism before declaring that his copy of _Das Kapital_ would "appreciate like crazy." That kind of bald-faced hypocrisy was what I tried to avoid in "The Age of Cynicism." Here, by contrast, Helen and Jake's tastes have changed, but they're still earnest about carrying on their ideals and don't want to give in to the changes. One thing about "The Age of Cynicism" that distinguishes it from other DWUs is that it's the one episode that could be accepted as part of the series "canon." Therefore, that makes it subject to more scrutiny/criticism, as there aren't too many alternate visions of Quinn succeeding in math, say, but many fans have their own ideas of what Helen and Jake did before Daria was born. Similarly, while I consider "Fireworks" to be one of my favorite stories, it took some time for me to get used to Forman's alternate vision -- one where Jake somehow managed to avoid drugs during the 60's (except under coercion) and Helen was a cipher. With this in mind, I was a little nervous about presenting a vision that would be acceptable to a majority of fans, and tried hard not to exclude anything obvious (like how pregnant Helen would cope with her mood swings). Helen and Jake aren't "holdover hippies." They're not the Willow and Coyote of 1980. They look and act like the average 30-year olds of the time, with values that are quite liberal, even verging on socialist. However, the seeds are there for the transition into what they would become. My theory on what happens next is as follows: Helen unexpectedly becomes pregnant with Quinn. With Jake in a steady (if unsatisfying) job, two babies she never sees, and her own job earning her barely enough money to fold, Helen leaves her law firm to become a stay-at-home mother, a transition not without its kinks. After about four years, Jake receives a promotion that relocates the family to Texas. Helen has to make new connections and jumps at an offer to work at a small firm in Texas. It represents business interests, but Helen doesn't care, as the family needs the money (Jake's company is under threat of downsizing and Jake is constantly bombarded by his "mini Mussolini" boss) and she needs to get back in the game. Then Jake gets let go and Helen becomes the family's breadwinner, while Jake goes to business school at night in order to land a better job. Helen turns out to be one of the best lawyers at her firm and gets promoted to partner. However, the firm as a whole routinely bites off more than it can chew and winds up nearly bankrupt. Helen's livelihood is in trouble and Jake hates the job that he got after business school. Helen starts working her legal connections and sends resumes, and interviews at several firms before meeting with Vitale, Horowitz, Riordan, Schrecter, Schrecter, and Schrecter. Eric, the interviewer, would be compelled by her and make a really good offer, with the addition that she would become partner in a year or two. Thrilled, Helen jumps at it. This is as much money as she and Jake made combined in Texas, which allows Jake to leave his current job and announce the opening of "Jake Morgendorffer Consulting" in their new town, Lawndale. Along the way, I imagine that Helen would have accepted a loan of money or two from her parents, emphasizing that she would pay back every cent. How "The Age of Cynicism" Relates to Other DWU Episodes There are no surprises in this fanfic (that I know of, anyway) that would paint any of the others in a new light. Instead, it just gives substance to various claims about the past, such as Amy's relationship with young Erin (mentioned in "Erin the Head") or the Barksdale sisters' relationship with their father. One interesting thing to note is that based on what we see in "The Age of Cynicism," Amy isn't much more disrespectful toward Howard than Helen is, if at all. Helen is not afraid to argue with Howard and point out where he went wrong. Yet at some point, Helen became his designated "favorite" and Amy his "problem child," which gave Helen more leeway to act. However, it does raise one interesting question. Although Howard stepped over the line in trying to keep Jake away from Helen, did he understand something back then that Helen sought to ignore? Helen tells Daria and Quinn in "Into the Fire" that she wishes that she had waited until she were older and more mature before settling down, then later tells them in "Tomorrow Never Knows": "[Your] father and I tend to hurt each other a lot. Emotionally, if not physically." What if Howard had successfully divided Jake from Helen? Forget for a moment that there would be no Quinn -- might Helen have then found someone more able to stand on his own, yet more supportive of her? Would Helen and Jake have been stronger people because of it? This isn't meant to have a specific answer, just to provoke thought. **Points of Interest** ** "So Aunt Amy's not my biological mother after all.": This was meant to gently poke fun of the many fanfics that made this claim. ** "And you *weren't* the product of a torrid love affair between Helen and a man who obviously wasn't Jake.": Likewise, this was a gentle poke at premises introduced in Michelle Klein-Hass's Lawndale, CT Continuum and Canadibrit's Look-Alike Series. ** Three years of law school: As to how Helen could pay for law school without her parents' help, I would say 1) living on the commune enabled her to cut back on her expenses, 2) law school was *much* cheaper comparatively than it is now, 3) knowing Helen, she would have worked 20 hours while balancing a full course load, and 4) maybe Helen did have a savings or a trust that she could dip into, only to exhaust it by graduation, which would explain why she and Jake have next to no savings in TAoC. ** Quinn as a "trendy" name: Evidence suggests that Quinn was actually *not* a very popular girl's name in 1980. In fact, I can't even say that "last names as first names" had really become a trend yet; it was more my poke at the '80's than anything else. Ironically, Quinn could have been an appropriate name for Daria, as two of its meanings are "wisdom" and "counsel." ** Promo for "Charge of the Math Brigade": Believe it or not, it was the original promo from 2000. Only had to wait seven years to be useful! ** Calvin and Vanessa: I thought it would be funny to take the two people in "Fireworks" (Keenak and Serenity) most unlikely to pair up and marry them off. Actually, Keenak's "If it feels good, do it" personality might offset Serenity's rampant tension quite nicely. That said, apart from the fact that they've abandoned their hippie names and gone a bit square, they (at least Serenity) haven't really changed. In fact, it seems to be Vanessa who clings to instilling "core principles" in her child rather than Helen. ** Susan: She's that Susan from "College Bored," mother of Ramona. However, the Doug in Helen's office is not Susan's husband. ** New Wave style: Amy's style, with the "pipe" jeans, was meant to be a self-conscious rejection of "hippie" clothing that had become mainstream in the '70's. New Wave style included clothing that tended to be more form fitting and embraced synthetics. Given Amy's nature (contrarian without being extreme enough to embrace punk style) and her strong opinion of Helen's college-era behavior, it should come as no surprise. By the way, this doesn't contradict her punk leanings in "I Don't" and in fanfiction. She just likes more than one type of music. ** Reagan's assassination attempt: If you're wondering why that didn't get a mention, it's merely because I skipped ahead to the time around Daria's birth. Just assume that Helen and Jake were properly horrified, maybe felt a little guilty for hating a man who nearly died, then went back to hating him once he was well. ** "I Married Helen": I was just joking about the connection to "I Married Marge," but I looked at the episode summary and noticed some strong similarities. Besides both being about the birth of a first child, in both cases, the husband manages to get a "real" job right as the wife has gone into labor. Ah, cut me some slack -- it's been, like, ten years since I've seen that episode. I guess what they said on _South Park_ really is true: _The Simpsons_ *has* done everything first. ** Why no midwife?: I think that even Helen at her most hippie would be paranoid that something could go wrong during a home delivery. As it turned out, she could have stayed home another whole day before heading to the hospital. ** Thirty-five hours: Which was ultimately thirty-six hours of labor. Helen tells Marianne in "That Thing You Say": "And when she wouldn't come out, they had to *go* in after her!!" I figured the readers of TAoC would thank me if I left out any graphic descriptions of forceps. Notice that labor with Quinn was completely the opposite -- two hours and twenty minutes ("Fair Enough"). Already they were asserting their personalities... ** "Oh, it's Dolly": Mrs. Williams's nickname being "Dolly" was my nod to _Anna Karenina_, which has a character named Darya Alexandrovna who is also known as "Dolly." ** "[You] remind me of her": It's never really addressed what became of Mrs. Williams once Daria was born. I would say that she continued to work as Howard's secretary for the next several years. She would have been quite pleased to know that Helen's baby had been named after her, but beyond that, Helen's relationship with her wouldn't be fundamentally different from what it was before. ** Be Kind to Secretaries Day: One would hope that after being helped by a secretary, Helen would be more thoughtful of Marianne. Someday. ** "Baby Number Three": I'm of the belief that at this point, Helen's ship of fertility would have sailed. Jake was just being facetious. There are no little Veronica Morgendorffers in the Driven Wild Universe... **Acknowledgements** Special thanks to my beta readers, Richard Lobinske, The Angst Guy, Steven Galloway, and Dennis! Also thanks to Richard for telling me about the Weather Underground website, which gave me the history of weather, allowing me to figure out what the conditions would be in certain scenes, such as Helen and Jake driving to the Barksdales. Also, special thanks to C.E. Forman for writing the fanfic that was the jumping off point for this one. If you ever get the chance to read this one, I hope you enjoy it. Also, John Lennon songs used were "Imagine" (1971) from the _Imagine_ album, "Instant Karma! (We All Shine On)" (1970), "Look at Me" and "God" (1970) from the _Plastic Ono Band_ album, and "Beautiful Boy" and "(Just Like) Starting Over" (1980) from the _Double Fantasy_ album. Other songs include "De Do Do Do, De Da Da Da," by The Police (1980), "I Will Survive" by Gloria Gaynor (1979), and "Rock With You" by Michael Jackson (1979). Anyway, the Driven Wild Universe concluded in November 2005, and now it's finally complete. I am a happy woman. Thank you for sharing it with me, y'all. ; > This fanfic is the property of Kara Wild, copyright August 2007. All rights reserved.