All "Daria" characters are (C) 1993, 1997, 1999 MTV Networks, a Viacom International Company. All Rights Reserved. With apologies to Glenn Eichler and Susie Lewis. This is a FanFiction based on the Daria series. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ "DOORBELLS" by Bambi la-la-LA-la-la Act 1 Scene 1 - Glory Box by Portishead. Inside Jane's room. She is sketching pictures of Daria in different poses. Currently Daria is lying on the bed cuddling an ancient stuffed toy and a fake gun. Daria: Tell me again, why the toy? Jane: The toy represents the child in all of us, growing older and ragged as the world forces it's alteration into the cold hard steal that only man could breath life into. Daria: Gee, and I thought you had a soft spot for furry animals. Jane: It's not really a toy, it's an object of study. Daria (looking at the torn mess the creature has now taken on): I want you to remember the contract you signed for my work as an 'object of study' clearly states that I must be delivered home in a functional state. Jane: Don't worry, (drops sketch pad and moves to bed) I promise I won't pull your ears off or shave your head in an effort to perfect my art. I have Trent for that. Daria: I always wondered about those bald patches. (Daria gets off the bed while Jane searches for more 'objects of study'. Daria turns on the T.V, flicks some channels) Daria: Hey, I can't find Sick Sad World. (flicks off T.V) Jane: Probably all those well meaning folkey types finally got the show banned Daria: Well, for all their good intentions, I hope they enjoy their stay at the Hotel de Satan. Jane: I alway's wondered what would be a simple family place to stay for a holiday. Daria: How about next Christmas? Jane: I'll be there with bells and inverted crosses on. (Daria moves away from the set to change. She takes off her glasses and ties her hair back. Half way out of her clothes, Jane turns) Jane: Daria stop! (she stops, and looks over her shoulder) Stay like that, it'll make a great sketch. Daria: Oh no you don't. No playboy covers of me. Janes: No worries (pencils in hair and mouth, she scrabbles for paper. Charcoal, crayons and paint brushes scatter) Just hold that pose. No-one can see your face, so head up, shoulders straight, and look down the barrel of the gun. (throws gun to her. Silence) Jane: Oh, Daria, I love your pale skin…marry me baby! Daria: Oh, Jane, such proposals never rang sweeter, but I am promised to another. O.S voice: Who? (Daria utters a short yell before tunneling under some of Janes clothes. Jane turns around. Trent is there with Jesse, looking mildly curious) Trent: Hey Janey, we're gettin' some pizza. Want some? Jane (smiles, then gushes): Oh yes please do. We'd like some pizza, wouldn't we Daria? (no answer) Trent, Jesse, don't you love this sketch (holds picture) Would you like to have it? You'd love that, wouldn't you Daria? Daria: Someone call my mom. I think I may need a lawyer in a sec. Jane: Remember; 'object of study'…no bullets Daria: Damn these cheap tawdly things. (hand appears, throws gun at Jane) Jane: Well, bundle of clothes, pizza? Daria: Sure (Phone rings, Jane picks up) Jane: Hello, Lawndale bordello, Love Bunny speaking? (Listens) No Mr M, we don't do chocolate covered surprises…yo Daria, phone. (Daria comes out of the clothes, wearing an oversized jumper and an old stained shirt) Daria: Hey mom…no, Jane's place isn't a bordello, no I don't know what dad is on about…can't someone else do it?…what about Linda? (holds phone away from ear) ok, ok I'm coming. (hangs up) Jane: What's the story morning glory? Daria: Mom has to go to jail to find one of her clients; apparently they lost him. Dad's got a meeting to go to in N.Y. Might be gone for days. I have to go home to mind Princess Shop-O-Lot. Jane: Too bad. It won't be a pizza party without you. Trent, give her a lift. Daria (blushing slightly): No really - it's ok really. It's not too late. Trent: No trouble. It's really getting on late. Do ya think I'd let my favourite muse wonder home in the night? (Daria's blush deepens, turns to get clothes) Daria: Um, thanks - I'll just get changed. Jane: Why bother, the jumper and shirt look better on you then they do on him. Daria (freezers): Don't tell me. This is Jesse's missing shirt. Jesse (smiling): Hey yeah, thought it looked familiar; (turns to Trent) when ya givin' it back? (Trent shrugs) Jane (pushing them out the door): You better go now, or else the she-devil in the magic power suit will start shredding the furniture Daria: And my dad. Act 1 Scene 2 - Milk by Garbage (The Tank - yes they still have it - driving to the Morgandoffers. The sketch and Daria's clothes are still at Jane's.) Daria (sharing at the clothes): Do you think anyone will notice? Trent: You could say Janey spilt paint on you. Daria: Or the clothes monster you keep in the basement ate them. Trent (pretending to think it over): I think it would be a hard sell, especially since your sister would know the mating call of any clothes monster in a 5 block stretch. Daria: No, she wouldn’t know this one. It ate my clothes; no taste, no date. Trent: Good one. So I have to tell the monster no then? Daria (flushered thought VO): What is he on about. Did someone swap channels when I wasn’t watching? Am I dreaming? Trent: Daria? Daria (pinching self, mutters): At least I’m not dreaming. (Turns to Trent) What? Trent: I think you’re busted. (Daria turns, sees Quinn on the steps yelling at her) Trent: Your sister? Daria: No, our pet clothes monster. (Daria climbs out of the Tank and hurries to the front door. Trent watches till she vanishes, then leaves) Act 1 Scene 3 – Beautiful People by Marilyn Manson (Back at Jane’s. She is picking up paper. Jesse’s helping. Jane looks up and she sees Jesse’s back to her, his face reflected in the mirror. An idea comes to mind.) Jane: Jesse stay! Jesse: Another sketch? Jane: No you; Daria. Jesse: Now I’m Daria? Have you been drinking turps again? Jane: I haven’t done that since you got me drunk on my 14th birthday. I just wanna get some angles right. Jesse: Why bother. Your work would look better as an imitation Picasso anyway. Jane (throws some charcole at him): Don’t call me imitation anything. Jesse (throws a pillow at her): No…your too you to be much of an imitation. Jane (laughing): One of these days, I’ll throw you out the window for not respecting me. Jesse: Catch me first. (Chase each other around for awhile. Catch each other, kiss. Unnoticed the sketch of Daria is lying on the floor. Now it’s got a face on it, in several places, all reflected by mirror. Arms crossed in the front, a tattoo of infinity, a snake eating its own tail can be seen on her chest; above her crossed arms.) Act 1 Scene 4 – Leaving Home by Jebediah (Daria’s home. Helen and Jake are rushing about. Quinn’s in the kitchen preparing some carrots and celery to use for a dip. Daria’s flicking channels, unable to find "Sick Sad World", and not listening to Helen.) Helen: Now Daria, make sure Quinn has no wild party, (rushes to grab her coat) I hopefully won’t be gone all night, (picks up bag) she’s got some of her little friends coming over for a meeting, (looks for mobile) blast it, where is it? (pulls up couch cushions) Jake, have you seen my mobile? Jake (wanders in, head stuck to Helen’s mobile, because he couldn’t find the cordless): But Love Bunny, chocolate covered surprises are my favourite. I couldn’t convince you to- Helen: JAKE!?! Jake: -to leave me and my family alone. Quit ringing us. (slams down phone into the cordless receiver) Damn kids, just can’t leave us alone. Oh hi honey. Hey kiddo. Helen: Jake, that’s my mobile!!! Now if you’ve gone and broken it… Jake: Oh Helen, I’d never do anything like that. (it rings, Quinn grabs it) Quinn: That’s for me. Hello? (listens, frowns) Hello?! (shakes phone) I said hello;…I can’t hear, what- I- no, what? (slams down phone) Mon, the phones broken, we need a new on; I can’t miss a single call, because each is very important and it’s a popular girls lifeline, I need to be connected, I mean, what if it was life and death and an old persons needed help, what would I do- (sound of phone ringing, Daria digs it out of the couch) Daria: Well maybe we could use the couch as a replacement phone, since it insists on ringing us. Jake: You know kiddo, that’s a great idea. Now where to talk… Helen: Stop being ridiculous Jake, it’s the cordless. (grabs the phone, listens, then throws it to Quinn) Yours (picks up her dead mobile and bags, and runs to the door) Jake, com’ on, I’ll give you a life to the airport. (they leave) Quinn (hangs up phone): Maybe we should replace the phone with you Daria. I mean, like look at the fabric covers. It’s so in fashion and you can like, change it whenever. (she flounces back to the kitchen) (Daria looks blandly at the couch. It’s fairly new, bought for this house, this spot) Daria (thought VO): Hmmmmmm, life as a couch. You are ignored till needed, taken for granted, sat upon, used as an extra space for junk. What do you mean replace? We already have two. (Quinn comes back in) Change song – I Will Survive by Cake Quinn: You’re still here?!? God, you’re worst then the plagues of- of- (clicks fingers) some religious place. The “Fashion Club” is arriving any moment for a meeting and I can’t let them see you. (tries to pull Daria off the couch) God, you’re so heavy, no wonder you wear those clothes (flash of anger from Daria, then gone) Here, $5, take it and go. Daria: Oh, my loving sis, but what can one do for merriment on the town with such a meagre offering. (Quinn is confused) Daria: More. (does her exasperated thing and hands over more bills) Quinn: Now I don't want to see or hear from you again tonight! Daria: Yo. (Quinn stomps off. Daria picks up the phone and rings Jane) Jane's Machine: Hi, you're reached that strange place where all good phone calls end up…lost. You may be found again, but don't bet on it; last time I looked I found the confessions of the guy on the grassy knoll and someone's phone sex tape. But in case we ever do, leave some I.D (beep tone) Daria: Save me. The Four Horsewomen of the Apocalypse are almost here. I need divine intervention. (Doorbell rings) Quinn: I'll get it. (Door opens - Sandi, Tiffany, and Stacy stream in with bags of clothes. A number of air kisses and giggles follow. Daria leaves the room.) Quinn: Here, just put the bags on the couch for the moment and lets have a snack. End Act 1 ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Commercial I honestly don't know what to put in here. I'm from Australia, and I watch "Daria" on Channel 2, the ABC. (Australian Broadcasting Commission, or something) It's like our version of the BBC in England. Anyway, ABC has no adds in programs, only at the beginning and the end. I have never seen a commercial in "Daria" and have never watched MTV. I'll write in some commercials just for you America. Commercial 1: The new "South Park Movie; Bigger, Longer & Uncut". Kenny is getting beamed into space, Cartman is getting zapped by the V-chip for swearing, there goes Satan, can't remember any more. "This movie is destroying my fragile little mind" Commercial 2: An add for MacDonalds, talking about McMatch and Win, a Monopoly style game. You could win a trip to LA (people over here have an obsession with that place), computers, cars, cash towards the mortgage etc. "Stick around, this is big" ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Act 2 Scene 1 - Girls Just Wanna Have Fun by Cyndi Lauper (The Fashion Club are all in a debate. They want a good before and after picture of a makeover to stick on their page of the yearbook, to prove how much they help others. However, this hasn't been done yet.) Sandi: We could, like, dress one of us up really geeky like, and then have a picture. Tiffany: That's a great idea, but who? (blank looks) Quinn: I think we need to prove an actual makeover took place, so- Sandi: Kuh-wwin, we wouldn't have this problem if someone had notified us of this earlier. Quinn (bristles): I was only told today when Jodie told me. I am surprised as you are. Sandi: Really, if your job's too tough, I'm sure someone could help you- Quinn: My job isn't too tough. (unspoken anger sizzles) Stacy: Um, Quinn, what about you're cousin or something. Ur, doesn't she, um like…live here? Sandi (loosing her target, swings to support Stacy): Stacy, that is like a great idea. (Stacy beams) Where is she anyway? Quinn (afraid that Daria will say something so she doesn't want her near): Uh, I think she's a bit of a lost cause; too far gone. Sandi: Nonsense Quinn. We are experts. No-one is a lost cause when we do our work properly. Quinn (she is weakening): She wouldn't go for it. We'd have to bribe her or something. Sandi: Well…we'll see. She might be impressed enough to see we're offering our expert help for free. Most people need to pay for such help. Come on. Change song - Who Will Save Your Soul by Jewel (The four move upstairs, with Quinn tailing, holding the polaroid, still unconvinced. Door is slightly open) Sandi: Quinn's cousin? (barge in) Daria: No, an alien from Mars. If this is the best of your species, I'm going home. Sandi: Like - cousin - what sort of dumb joke is that? (Daria is about to answer, but Quinn interrupts) Quinn: Oh, don't mind her. She's a little crazy, that's why the walls are padded, and bars are on the windows. (F.C. looks and draws back) Stacy: Is she dangerous? Daria: Yes, I'm legally insane for advocating that free thought and speech are the most important things and that popularity is the catch cry of the brain dead majority, confining first amendment hacks like myself to a life of shadows. Stacy, Tiffany and Sandi: Huh? Quinn: I don't mean like insane asylum crazy. She just likes these padded walls and bars, 'cause she thinks they're cool or something. Tiffany: That is so weird, crazy. Quinn:I know and she won't help us. Daria: Help with what? Sandi: It's important. Daria: No Sandi: No what? Daria: No I won't help you Sandi (a little P.Oed now): You don't even know what it's for. You'd be do grateful. Daria: Yes I do, and no I wouldn't. Sandi (really P.Oed now): Oh, and how do you know. Daria (smiling): I'm psychic. (Sandi is disgusted, stomps over to Quinn for a conference. Daria goes back to her book, "A Man For All Seasons") Sandi: Quinn, do something! Quinn: What can I do? She's so stubborn Sandi: Just do something. (Tiffany and Stacy cautiously enter the room.) Stacy (wide eyed): What's it like being psychic? Daria: Twisted. You know every little secret. Stacy (blushes, hands to cheeks): Every one? Daria (smiles darkly): Every one. Stacy (starts crying): I didn't mean it, honestly. I didn't have enough cash and it was such a beautiful dress. Tiffany (opens closet, barely any clothes): Oh God, how do you live? Daria: Hey get out of there! (Tiffany skips back as Daria moves towards her. Quinn sees what she's wearing, eyes widen, and takes a short with the polaroid. All blink and look around from the flash) Quinn (triumph): Now you have to help us. (polaroid spits out) That's not your jumper. It's a guys. Probably your looser friend's brother that you love. Daria (turns about, blushing): It's Jane's, not Trent's. Jane spilt some paint on my jacket and I was cold. (lost for an acid retort) Tiffany: Paint would be an improvement. (giggles from the others; Daria's anger rises, but because of the picture, can't do anything) Quinn: I know it's his. I'll tell mom. Sandi: You probably took it to moon over, 'cause you'll never get any closer to a guy. Tiffany: No like that. You're too ugly. Stacy (still cry, unnoticed): It's not like we really did anything and he said he really did love me. Daria (angry, upset, hurt, humilliated, dark): Fine! Sandi: Fine what? Daria: I'll help you. Sandi (smiling triumphantly): Good. Act 2 Scene 2 - Freak by silverchair. (The Fashion Club are crowded around Daria, who's being none to graceful in defeat.) Sandi: Sit still. (plucks eyebrow) Daria: It hurts. Quinn: No pain, no gain. Sandi: What outfit? Tiffany: She's a brunett with brown eyes and yellow undertones - red. Stacy: But that'll mean the matte pink blush will be out. I thought we were going for pastels - blue, candy. Tiffany: Red's better with her hair. Stacy: But she's really pale, softer colours are needed. Tiffany: Bronze blush. Stacy: With those cheekbones?!? Sandi: God, stay still; you'll loose half your eyebrow if you keep moving. Quinn: You're being impossible. Daria: Nothing is impossible. Except you getting good grades. Daria: Or you being popular. Stacy: Now, just sit still while I do your lipstick. (Sandi pulls out a particular tender hair, right on the browbone. It's painful, and Daria jerks forward, and Stacy ends up drawing a long line of lipstick right across her face.) Sandi (throws down tweezers): Your completely useless. I can't do a makeover on you. Tiffany (gasp): But you're never quit before! Stacy: Now what do we do?!? Daria: Does that mean I win the car or the cash? Quinn: Shut up Daria . Sandi (rubbing temples): Now what? (Doorbell rings. Quinn runs to get it. Opens door. Jane is there) Change song - Things Can Only Get Better by D:REAM Quinn: What are you doing here? Jane : I was sent by God to help and heal. Daria: More like Satan. Jane: Shhhh, don't uncover my disguise. Sandi: What are you doing here? Jane (ignors her): Hey Daria, new look? (One of Daria's eyebrows is in a perfect arch, the other untouched. Blush is on her cheeks, her hair is in rollers and lipstick runs from her top lip to her right eye.) Daria: They're aliens, and they're running tests on me. (F.C conference) Jane: Then just call me Fox. Oh, here are your clothes, all washed and ready to wear. Figured you'd want your fave outfit back. Daria (face falls slightly, thinks it's an insult) Yeah, thanks. Jane (smiles kindly at her): You don't look that bad. Trent's jumper, bad makeup; hey, you could be me! (F.C come back) Sandi: We have decided that you, Daria, are a lost cause as far as makeovers go. You're too far gone for basic help and we haven't the time for a proper session. So, we have decided to do your friend here. Her need is almost as great as yours. Jane: Whoa whoa. (backing away a bit) This was not in the contract. Quinn: Please. It'll be simple and it's only for a little bit. You could look so good and special. Sandi: You already know a little about makeup. We'll just show a bit more. (cast a dark look at Daria) Jane: Oh please, no more praise, I know I'm good. C'mon Daria, we're outta here. (moves to stairs) Quinn: O.k, $20. Jane (stops but doesn't turn): $50. Quinn: $25. Jane: $50. Quinn: $30. Jane: $50 and last offer. Sandi: You're not worth $50! Jane: How bad do you want this make-over? Badly?… Quinn: O.k, fine, but this is a big favour we're doing you. Jane (whisper): Figure I just take the money and run. Daria: She'll only hand over the money at the end. Jane: Well, your room has a lock. Daria: Just do it Jane. Jane: Daria, how much did Nike pay you for that little endorsement? Daria: I mean it. You could use the money. God knows, Trent takes most of what you have. We'll get pizza or something with it. Unhealthy food, thick books, best way to spend money earmarked for "Waif" or a new halter top. Jane: I'm going against all my principals. Daria: New paints? Jane: Your on. Quinn honey, I'm ready. Quinn: Don't call me that. Honey's fattening. Jane: Help me. Daria: Just think: $50, $50. Act 2 Scene 3 - On The Outside by Sheryl Crow (Little while later. Daria is depressed but her bland face is still on. The fashion club buzz around Jane. Still can't find "Sick Sad World") Daria: Where is that damn show? Sandi: Done! (All step back. Jane looks like one of them. Her hair has natural curls in it and a small dolphin clip is keeping it back on one side. Natural style make-up; dusky rose on lips, brown-grey eyeshadow, and faint blush on cheeks. She is wearing a blue dress with a lacy overshirt. Daria feels even more outside.) Sandi: Take a number of shots Stacy. All angles. Jane: Now I know how a shop mannequin feels. Daria (gushing sarcastically): But you look so cute! (death look from Jane) (Doorbell rings) Quinn: I'll get it. Daria: You know, Ivan Pavlov was right. Quinn (opens door): What…are…you! (Trent and Jesse are at the door) Jane: Oh great, real food. (runs to the door and grabs the pizza) Daria (jumps to her feet): You didn't tell me we were having more guests Lane. Jane: What can I say? I forgot. (guys enter) Trent: New look Janey? Jane: Like it? (finger to lips in a bizarre Shirley Temple routine) Trent: Different. Hey Daria. Daria (mumbles): Hey. Hey Jesse. Jesse: Hey. What's that? Daria: What? Jesse: That red mark? Daria: I had a fight with some lipstick. It won. (hastens from the room to wash) Tiffany (staring at the two): Don't you, like, know that grunge went out years ago? (they shrug) Sandi (to Stacy): Like, where did they dig those two up from? And Quinn's cousin likes one of them. They dress sooo badly. Stacy (to Jesse): Hi, I'm Stacy. I love that vest on you. It makes you look so manly. Jesse: Uhm, thanks. Jane (glaring slightly): What video's did ya bring? Jesse: Best of "Sick Sad World Vol IV" 'cause it ain't on T.V anywhere, "Metal Skin" and "Trainspotting". Jane: Pizza? Jesse: Supreme and Mexican. Jane: You're my hero. Marry me! (Jesse laughs, Stacy pouts) Act 2 Scene 4 - Choose Life (I don't know who it's by) (12 minutes later. Pizza is open on the table. Daria is back - face very red from scrubbing, hair everywhere, expression as deadpan as possible but emotion shows through. Trent and Jesse have finished one pizza and are onto the second. Jane has changed but her hair is still curly. She is siting next to Jesse and Daria. Stacy is on the other side of Jesse. He is unaware of the fight over him. Trent is next to Daria, and Quinn is next to him on the floor, sharing carrot sticks with Sandi and Tiffany. All three are dying for pizza but won't take any, being on diets. The couch, meant to fit 3 or 4, has 5. Stacy and Jane won't move, Daria can't move, and Trent and Jesse wouldn't think of moving further away from the pizza. The F.C, sans Stacy, are bitching about the movie, and shotting the guys deadly glances for dressing badly and ignoring them.) Sandi: I think these photo's will so work good. They're the best Stacy. Stacy: So Jesse, what sort of music do you play? Sandi: Stacy?!? Jesse (mouth full): Bit of everything. Tiffany: Talking with your mouth full is like so bad Trent: So I guess we're rebels (Tiffany sniffs). Jane: Hey man, get a cause. Trent: Get a life. Jane: Stay awake for life (Trent and Jesse laugh, Daria smiles faintly). Stacy: Uhr, like what Jesse? Jane: He plays covers a bit. Nothing by the Backstreet Boys though. Stacy: Oh. (chestfallen) Well, I like other music too! Jane: Yeah, like what? (challenging) Stacy: Well…I like Geri Haliwell, and Ricky Martin, and Madonna, and… (sees Janes smirk, casts around for another singer or band. Idea lights up head [yes there is a light for all you weirdos out there]) And I really like Billie Holiday. Trent: Billie Holiday? I love her. Daria: You like Billie Holiday? (Trent nods) I love her too. Trent: Really, you never struck me as a fan of her. (Daria blushes, and feels like she's just been insulted) Jesse (to Jane): One more thing in common. Jane: What?!? (Jesse whispers to her and Jane laughs) Sandi (over Jane and Jesse): Is he like one of your grungy stuff? Daria: She was a very influential singer about 40 years age. Tiffany: Oh, old. (the F.C turn back to conversation and bitching about the movie.) Jane (after awhile): The book was much better. Quinn: You would say that. Sandi: This is like, so dull. You can't even understand them. Daria: Like you. Sandi (brisling): Well, at least I'm cute. Unlike some people who couldn't look good if their lives depended on it. (Ordinarily, Daria would ignore the comment, but because the events of the last few hours are getting her down, she winces as if it really hurt her. No-one notices, but Trent frowns faintly. Silence.) Stacy (trying to break the uncomfortable silence): And I really like diana ah naid too, Jesse. Jane and Daria: You what? Jesse (turns to her): You like her too? Cool! (gives her a smile, she melts. Jane looks pissed of then curious) Jane: A member of the fashion club likes someone who sings about doing it her own way? Daria: A non-conformist singing to music you can't dance too? (Stacy gives a big happy nod) Sandi (has heard and isn't impresses): Stacy, what is this; liking music you can't dance to ? Are you turning inter- inter- (can't get intellectual) intergraceful on us? That is a big fashion don't! (Tiffany and Quinn are nodding) Trent: That's not a word. Jesse: Quit picking on her. Sandi: It's my job as Fashion President to keep the lower members in line. (Stacy flinches) Jane (to Stacy): I wouldn't follow that line if I was you. Tiffany: Stacy, I sooo wouldn't follow the advice of someone who dresses like that. Jesse: She dresses better than you. Quinn: The only opinion that counts is that of popular people, and you so aren't that. Trent: Go bitch to someone else Daria's sister. Snadi and Tiffany: SISTER?!? Quinn (angry): He's lying!!!! ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Commercial Commercial 1: It's rad, it's hot. It’s the new "Drunkin' Dance Party" albam. All the great songs from the Australian Top 40. (Beautiful Stranger by Madonna plays) Songs to dance to; (Kiss Me by Sixpences None The Richer plays) song to screw to; (Tubthumping by Chumberwomber or something plays); songs to throw up to; (Livin' La Vida Loca by Ricky Martin) and just all round party songs. Buy it now, it's radical. Commercial 2: Presented by Micky Entertainment in association with MAG and Graceland ELVIS IN CONCERT Elivs on the GIANT SCREEN - 2 hours of his BEST concert performances. PLUS - LIVE ON STAGE his original touring band and backup singers, 16-piece orchestra and a 35 person choir NOW A SECOND SHOW - WEDNESDAY 10 NOVEMBER - MELBOURNE PARK - TICKETEK 132 849 (I demand my money back if it's not really him) ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Act 3 Scene 1 - Woman by Nenah Cherry (Doorbell rings) Daria: I'll get this one. (others are still arguing) Daria: Brittany? Cashmans is the other way. Brittany (having histerics [think "This Years Model"]): It's Kevin…he's- he's a big …jer- jerk he's just dumb and…thought not and…and stuff and… (no meaningful sounds) Daria: Shouldn't you be at a cheerleaders home confessing your sins to them? Brittany (still crying all over her pink top and white skirt): But…but Daria - you know all about this sad stuff. Daria (expression hardens): Because I'm the Misery Chick? Brittaney: Yeah, you van show me - how…how to…(no meaningful sounds) KEVVIE… Jane (wandering over): Brittany postal, what's Kevin done now? Daria: He's being a jerk and a thought not. Jane: Thought not. Hmmmm…different. What's she doing here? Daria (darking even more): Because I'm the "Misery Chick" and I know all about being sad. (stomps off) Jane: Hey Daria! (pulls Brittany in) Pizza carrots take a pick. (Stacy is now being ignored by the rest of the F.C) Brittany: You keep garden stuff in the house. That's weird. (F.C sans Stacy sees Brittany and run to her. Daria is crashing things in the kitchen) Jane (entering kitchen): Are you auditioning for the percussion section of Mystik Spiral? Daria: Finding sympathy food. I don't need Brittney's whiney voice bitching about Kevvie all night. Jane: You think you'll find fattening food in this house? Daria (pulls out a tub of expensive chocolate ice-cream): Shallow problems, shallow answers. (Grabs a spoon. Turns to go and runs into Jesse and Stacy coming in. She's upset and crying a bit) Jesse: We need more food. Daria: Call for pizza, unless frozen lasagne appeals to you? Jesse (shudders): Please, I have standards. Jane: Not that's you'd notice. (Jane is scowling at Stacy who is hyperventilating, trying to tell Jesse what is wrong. Jesse is smiling at her and patting her on the back. Daria walks back to the lounge and throws the ice-cream at Brittney who is still crying) Daria: Enjoy. Brittany: Hey, you really do know about this sad stuff. (Eats the ice-cream. Quinn frowns) Quinn (pompous): At a time like this you need a nice person to talk to. Waif says overeating is the last thing needed. Daria: She's happy, she's quiet. Trent: Good puppy puppy. (Daria smiles a little. Jesse returns followed by the other two girls) Jesse: Pizza 10 minutes. (throws himself onto the couch, stacy now next to Daria and Jane is on the other side) Trent (to Daria): You'd think he'd catch on by now. Daria (thought V.O - you haven't): He's seems kinda oblivious to a number of things; day, night, people. Trent (laughs): I wouldn't put it past him to know everything and just put on an act to get them both. Back to the movie - Mark's just picked up Diana) Sandi, Tiffany and Quinn: Ewwwh! Act 3 Scene 2 - See Through by diana ah naid (Doorbell rings) Jesse (ambles to the door): It'll be the pizza. Got any money? Trent: Janey? Jane: Here. (hands over the $50) Trent: Thanks. Jesse here. (goes to the door and opens it) You're not pizza. Jodie: You're not Daria. Daria: Whatever it is, I'm not doing it. Jodie: I just need to use your printer for awhile. Mine just packed it. Mack's at practise so I just dropped by to ask if I could use yours? Daria: Mine's on its last legs too, but if mine dies, we'll go to Jane's. Jodie: Thanks, I need to get this done by tomorrow. It's menus for a luncheon for the school board. Jane (coming over too): Why not use school paper and power? Jodie and Daria: Mrs. Li Jodie: She's "allocated" all the cash for this quarter on new "technology" Daria: Maybe she'll give you some surveillance equipment as a free gift. Jane: Free? That's an oxymoron. Jodie: No, that's an oxymoron. (points at Brittney) What happened? The bleach sunk into her brain and she's convinced that this is the mall? Jane: She lost Kevin and thought Daria could help, being a "Misery Chick". Jodie: Is it wise to feed her that much sugar? Daria: Probably not, but it shut her up. This night doesn't need to get any worst. (Jodie and Daria move upstairs, set the printer and computer) Jodie: Sure it could. We could add Kevin. Daria: And Quinn's harem. Jodie: Who were those two guys looking for pizza? Daria: The one who made the astute observation that you weren't pizza is Trent, Jane's older brother. The other guy is Jesse, Trent's best friend, and all round oblivious guy. Jodie: Do you mind if I stay and watch the movie too? I never saw the end. Kevin threw a football too hard and broke the VCR last time. Daria: What isn't that boy good for? Sure stay. The more the bloody merrier. Jodie: Sure? Daria: Yeah. Anyway, we could use you to make up for the negative brain cell count. (Jodie smiles) (The two of them walk back downstairs. Jodie settles down to watch the movie. There is now no room on the couch. Daria stares at it then sits on an armchair at a bad angle to the T.V. It occurs to her to move the chair but its too much bother.) Jodie: Have you read the book? Jane: I have. It was heaps better. Jodie: I know. Brittany (still crying): It- it's all his fault. (Quinn is feeding her tissues while she eat ice-cream) He doesn't tre- treat me ri- ri- (noword) good. I feel like… Daria: Lady MacBeth? Jodie: Germain Greer? Jane: Ms Barch? Sandi: A used tissue. A soppy one? Brittany (look of wonder in her eyes): Yeah (Doorbell rings) Jesse: If that's not pizza, I'm gonna do something desperate. Trent: Cook the food yourself? Jesse: Yeah right! (it is pizza, held by a guy in a footy uniform) You don't look like a pizza delivery guy. Kevin: Sure I am dude. Look, I've got the cap and all. (puts the cap on) Jesse: Well…I'll grab them now. How much? Kevin: How much what dude? Jesse (a little exasperated; he's really hungry) How much for the pizzas? Kevin: Oh, them. Uhhh, just a minute. (runs to a car and returns with another guy) Mack: Be gentle with him. I'm not sure he knows the numbers after 10. Kevin: Sure I do Mack Daddy. It's 11, 12, 13, ah, 14, um, 16, 19…no wait… Mack: Just take the pizzas. Jesse: How much do I owe you? Mack: None, he's not a pizza guy. He beat him up and chased him away, 'cause he thought the guy was hitting on Brittney? Jesse: Why'd he do that? Mack: I don't know. I don't want to even imagine his logic. Jesse: Brittney…Is she blond, blue eyed, wears her hair in twin ponytails and looks like she stuffs her bra? Kevin: Hey man, they're real. Are you hitting on my girl? Mack: Shut up Kevin. No he wasn't. (turns to Jesse) She here? Jesse: Yeah. Havin' fits and eating ice-cream. Mack: Anyone else? Jesse: Heaps. Come on in. Maybe you can take some of them off our hands. Mack: Thanks man. Kevin (superstitiouly): You sure you aren't hittin' on her? (The three enter) Daria (Looking at them with a frown): Who are you people? How do you know where I live? Why are you here? Kevin: BABE!?! Brittany (bounces [!!!] up): How did you get here? I'm never speaking or looking at you again! (stomps about. Kevin follows) Kevin: But babe, I mean com'on pumkin…we're meant to be together. (They pace back and forth) Jodie: How did you get here? Mack: I dropped by your place. Your mom said that you were here. Kevin was with me. Coming up here he saw Brad with the pizzas, and just went crazy. Brittney: YOU HIT BRAD?!?!?! Kevin: I did it for us babe. Brittney: Get away from me. I'm with the girls now. (sits down purposely with the F.C) Sandi: Yeah. You like so don't deserve her. If a girl is popular, then it is her duty to date many guys. Kevin: Awwh, but babe- Brittney: I don't want to hear it (head away, not looking) Act 3 Scene 4 - Little Star by Stina Nordenstam (Mack joins Jodie on the couch. Jesse lost his spot so he moves to the floor with the pizza. Trent joins him. The F.C, still sans Stacy, finally conceed and eat a slice of pizza each. Then they start to binge on the leftover ice-cream. Daria is just watch. Suddenly she jumps up and leaves. No-one notices. She sits out on the doorstep and takes off her glasses. The world becomes a blur. The star are a faded light in the sky. It's getting cold and no-one realises she's out here. 5 minutes pass, then 10, then 15. A tear slides down her cheek and seems to freeze there. Cold memories, cold space, cold darkness, too cold alone, but too cold to be anywhere else.) Daria (thought V.O): Least they could do is notice I'm gone. (movement behind her) Brittney: Daria, what are you doing out here? (looks at her curiously) Are you doing "Misery Chick" stuff? Change Song - Cross Of Changes by Engima Daria: Yes Brittney, it's "Misery Chick" stuff. (anger) Stuff that wouldn't interest aireheaded cheerleaders who just broke up with their Q.B boyfriends. It's the private worship of the devil that all Misery Chicks worship. Brittany: Wow, you're upset. Here (gives her the ice-cream) I thought you might need it. Daria (she's touched, but won't admit it): Thanks. All problems can be solved with ice-cream. Brittany: That's double-chocolate biscuit bit chocolate ice-cream. It can fix anything. Later I'll loan you my Stephani-Jai workout video. (braces her arms around her knees and rocks) I didn't really break-up with Kevin. (giggles) I do this sometimes so I know he still loves me. (smiles hopefully) So, you happy? Daria: It'll take a bit more then this to save me, (Brittany looks sad now) but I'll get better (she smiles a bit) Brittany: Your all alone out here. Why don't you become popular and then you'll have lots of friends around you all the time and never be alone) Daria (thinks the idea is compelling and revulsive): I don't really want to be popular. Brittany: Why? Daria (thought V.O): How do I explain it so she can understand it?!? (out loud) I like being alone. Brittany: But you're sad, and it's bad to be sad alone. Hey! That rhymes! You know what Daria? Daria (smiling a little patronisingly): What Brittany? Brittany: For some reason, you seem to like being alone, but at the same time, you don't like it. You love and hate at the same time. I don't know. You're way to smart for me to work out. It's cold. I'm going inside. (she vanishes, leaving Daria to think) Act 3 Scene 4 - No Aphrodisiac by the Witlams (More sound) Daria: If you're looking for the party, it's inside. Trent: It looks better out here. Make some room? Daria (too cold, upset, angry and tired to blush or even react): Hey Trent. Trent: "Trainspotting" is over. I was gonna put on "Sick Sad World" now. Wanna watch? Daria: No…I want to be alone with the stars for awhile. Trent: You can't see the stars Daria: But I can feel them Trent: O.k, see ya. (Daria looks amazed as he vanishes into the shadows. She is surprised and even more upset. She thinks about the lie she just told.) Daria (murmurs to self): Well for that performance I deserve an Oscar. And I still can't do a bloody thing right. (a few more tears) Trent: Not that great. Daria (jumping): Shit, don't do that. (calms down a bit) What are you doing back out here? Trent: Just wanted to see how long it would take till you realised you were lying to yourself. Daria (blushing a bit): Took about 8 seconds. Trent: You know, that's how long you have to stay on the bull during those rodeos. Daria: Appropriate. I think I fell off. Trent: I'll catch you. Don't worry. Daria (looks away): Where are the others? Trent: I think you're computer died. Janey, Jodie, Mack and Jesse are running about with paper, extensions, spanners and stuff. Stacy's trailing Jesse like a lost puppy, which is really pissing off Janey. I think Brittany and Kevin found the laundry room, or maybe you're parents room, so Quinn, Sandi and Tiffany have put on "Romeo and Juliet". Daria: Amazing, you know their names. Trent: Never meant much before. But all these people. Need to call 'em something or else you'll end up as confused as Kevin. Daria: Unable to count beyond 10. (silence) Daria: You see Brittany before? Trent: No. Daria: She was out here dispensing advice. She said something that made me think- (sees his look) no really. Even a stoped clock is right twice a day. She said I liked at dislike being a loaner. Trent: You do, you know. Daria: I never thought about it that way before. I guess it's true. Trent: Humans are social animals. Sometimes we clutch to the very chains that bind us, because that's all we have, or think we have. Daria: I have more than my chains? Trent: Course. You have Janey and me and Jesse. Daria: And a houseload of people who couldn't care. Trent: I think they would like to care, but you're difficult to know, and in a fast world, they don't have any time to stop. Daria: It's usually enough to know I'm smart and I have Jane for a friend, a best friend, but sometimes things break through. The Fashion Club's too much to take. I'm not ugly. Trent: No, you're not. You frighten them, so they fall back on cliques with past used by dates to protect themselves., Anyway, I think we converted Stacy. It's a start. Would you be happier if you dressed like you're sister? You'd be 'cute' then. Daria: No, never. The emptiness of my world would have me jumping off roofs. I know that if you want to be yourself, you're going to take a lot of crap from others who envy your freedom, but sometimes it gets a bit much. Sometimes I wish- Trent: -I wasn't so alone (he finishes) You're not alone. Never believe that. You're too…real to be alone. People want to be close to you. Everyone here tonight wanted something from you. Daria: Really, what did the Fashion Club want from me? Or Mack and Kevin? Trent: The Fashion Club brought Stacy here and she needs you, whether she knows it or not. Kevin needs Brittney from you and Mack needs to get rid of Kevin. They all need you. Daria (smiling a little): Are you trying to tell me I'm important? Trent: Yes. You are important. What would Janey do without you? Where would I get my song ideas from? Or good advice? Daria: Psychic hotline. Trent: Where would I get the money for that? Daria: Get a job. Trent: Go to Hell. Daria: Been there, done that, didn't want me, sent me back. Trent (laughing): See, a psychic hotline couldn't make me laugh. Com'on. It's too cold out here. (brings her to her feet and kisses her head) Don't change. I'll always be here to catch you. (he takes her by the hand and leads her back inside. They find Jesse in the kitchen making coffee) Trent: What happened? Jesse: Well, Jodie got her printouts, but we had to give the last rites ourselves; no priest is coming out this late. Those girls are asleep in the lounge and Jodie and Mack are in the den. I don't want to know where those airheads are, but Jane and Stacy are in your room Daria, talking about God know what, and I didn't know what happened to you two. Trent: What are you doing now? Jesse: Now, making coffee. (smiles) But there's surpposed to by a metior shower sometime soon. Clear night, visible without telescopes or any of that, should be a good show. Wanna come? Trent: Sure. You Daria? Daria: Why not. (All grab big cups of coffee, blankets, coats and camp out in the front yard, falling asleep when the coffee wore off. That's how Helen found them next morning.) Act 3 Scene 5 - Nightmare by Brainbug (The Zen, later in the week. Jane and Daria sit at a table watching Mystik Spiral set up.) Jane: Com'on, tell me what you did to my bro. He's been wandering around all week with this soppy smile and he's in disgustingly good humour, even after the fridge shorted out and we lost all the food Daria: Never tell, sorry. Jane: Your sorry… Trent: Hi, we're Mystik Spiral, but we're thinking of changing our name. We're going to start off with a new song tonight. It's called "Doorbells". Hate it when the doorbell rings When it lets in the world Darkness follows too many times And the people in the streets sing Cold alone on an Autumn night Doorbell rings, who could it be? Someone breaking my solitude Come to call, begging favours Food, help, ears to hear, eyes to see Too bad to be alone in a cold Autumn night. The doorbell between Heaven and Hell Rings every time we scream Each word brings us closer to eternal joy or forever pain God and the Devil fight for the souls to sell You shouldn't be alone on a cold Autumn night But the doorbell brought me to you Through Heaven and Hell to come to me on a starry night. To blow my world away And do what the singers in the street can't do Now you'll never be alone on a cold Autumn night END ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Hey everybody out there. I hope you liked my Fan Fic, it's my first. I know I want more, maybe 5 or 6, but that's for the future. If you happen to read this story in your travel on the net, please write to me and tell me what you thought. There isn't anyone around here I can really ask, because no-one I know really watches the show that much, so your comments are not only appreciated but needed. Explanation Brittney: I think she does have a brain, and that she can be manipulative when she wants to be. See The Lab Brat, Pinch Sitter and Café Dissatisfacto if you don't believe me. However, she only uses her brain sometimes. Daria: This doesn't really keep to the Daria character I know. I wanted to explore her a little more. She does have emotion, I am setting out to find it. Most of my future fanfics will have her, and most other characters, acting with more emotion then in the series itself. It'll make for interesting reading if nothing. The picture: Don't worry, it comes back to haunt everyone later. Been there, done that, didn't want me, sent me back.: This is from a fanfic by Naomi. I loved it so I stole it. I'm sorry, but it's so cool. By the way, her stories are really good, so go to her site and read them. It's the Poor Pathetic Daria site. This wasn't really a shipped story, though it started off as one. Others may be. Address: bambi@bud.swin.edu.au P.S - As I said above, I'm an Australian. If you don't understand some phase or line in the story, it's probably only because I used Aussie slang. Write to me and tell me; I'll clean up the language for the next one. P.P.S - No, we don't ride kangaroos, so don't even ask.