All "Daria" characters are (c) 1993, 1997, 1999 MTV Networks, a division of Viacom International, Inc. All Rights Reserved. “Daria” is the creation of Glenn Eichler and Susie Lewis Lynn.
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Author’s note:
This is my first fan fiction. I have tried to keep Daria, and cast in character as best as I can. Please Email me at Tariah@aol.com, to tell me what you thought of it, and to give any suggestions. Until then, Enjoy the story.
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(la la La la la)
Daria
in
Death of a Friend Arrival of a Newcomer
Written by
Tariah
(no that’s not my real name.)
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Beginning Act 1.
Scene 1: Mr. O’Neill’s class. Friday. 1:47 PM.
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(Mr. O’Neill is sitting on the edge of his desk, yet again trying to reach out to the students, who unfortunately are either half asleep, or off listening to walkmens. Jane doodles something on her paper while Daria rests her head against her left hand, looking bored as hell.)
Mr. O’Neill: Hellish, horrific, gory. These are just some of the words that people would use to describe stories like “The Raven” or “Cask of Amontillado” or Tell Tale Heart”. But what is it about gothic stories that makes them soooo. I don’t know, appealing to the reader?
(After several more strokes with her pencil, she holds the paper up. After looking the drawing over, she makes that “evil” half smirk, and hands the paper to Daria. Daria takes the paper without even turning her head. ``We see the doodle, is another one of Jane’s caricatures. This one shows Mr. O’Neill strapped to a table with a pendulum swinging over him. Daria takes her pencil and draws a few rats gnawing on his leg. She hands the picture back to Jane.)
Mr. O’Neill: (oblivious to Jane and Daria’s actions) Can anyone think of a reason? Daria?
Daria: Because People like being scared and they like blood and gore. No matter how many times they try to censor it out of children’s cartoons.
Mr.O’Neill: Interesting point Daria! People do like to be scared. I remember when “Alien” first came out. I must of seen that movie dozens of times. I don’t know why, but something about it made me want to see it over and over again.
Jane:(leaning over to Daria) I guess he couldn’t get enough of watching a slimy double-jawed creature ripping human’s apart.
Daria: Either that or he couldn’t get enough of watching Sigourney Weaver getting half naked.
Mr. O’Neill: Can any one else give me a reason as to why gothic stories appeal to readers? Kevin?
Kevin: I like that part in Alien when that snake thing bursts out of the guy’s stomach, and gets blood all over the place! That part’s awesome!
Brittany: EWWWW!
Mr. O’Neill: Uhhh, Kevin. I was asking about how gothic stories appeal to readers.
Kevin: But I don’t even like goth chicks! They’re to freaky and weird, and stuff.
Andrea:(off screen) Go to hell!
(Mr. O’Neill begins shaking his head, and sighs in discouragement.)
Mr. O’Neill:(dejected) Alright. Your weekend assignment is to write a two page, or more gothic like story. I want you to try and make a story that will really put the reader on the edge of their seat.(begins to brighten up) Daria. You’re our most talented writer. And I know that this assignment will be right up your ally.
Daria:(flatly) Yes. I’m sure I’ll have a blast with this cool assignment.
Mr. O’Neill:(Obviously missing the sarcasm) That’s the spirit!
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Scene 2: Lawndale High . Main hallway. 3:00 Pm.
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(Jane and Daria walk side by side)
Jane: So. For once you get to write something that’s bloody, hellish, and dark. And get a good grade for it. You must be very exited.
Daria: (grimly) Yeah.
Jane: Woah, don’t get out the champaign just yet. Come on, I thought this was something you liked to do.
Daria: Jane, I don’t write Gothic. I write stories that open people to truth. The truth that life isn’t like a big, happy, pink, fuzzy, cream puff.
Jane: You mean stories that are about something, not just anything, that say something about something?
Daria: Oh shut up.
(They reach the main doors and exit the building)
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Scene 3. Side walk. 3:15 PM.
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(Daria and Jane are walking their usual rout. Their still talking about Mr. O'neill’s assignment.)
Jane: And then I’m gonna have the crow peck out both his eyes, and his tongue.
Daria: Well at least one of us is on a roll.
Jane: Don’t worry Daria. All you have to do is take a really disgusting, retched, vile thing and make a story out of it.
(They reach Daria’s house and slowly make their way to the door. Daria pulls out her keys and puts one in the lock)
Daria: But what could be that horrific, and actually exists?
(She unlocks the door and opens it. We now hear the voices of Quinn and the Fashion Club.)
Jane: Does that answer your question?
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Scene 4: Interior Morgendorffer living room
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(Quinn, Stacy and Tiffany occupy the couch, while Sandi sits in the chair to the left .)
Sandi: And so that settles it. Leonardo DiCaprio is far more cuter than Brad Pitt. Now onto the next Question. Stacy?
Stacy:(looking over a note pad) Who has the cutest nose Jennifer Lopez, or Carmen Electra?
(Daria walks up behind Quinn)
Daria: Hey there Sis. Watch’ya do’in?
Quinn: Daria. Can’t You see we’re evaluating the biggest stars in show biz. That way people will know if a new movie has a really popular actor in it. Get it?
Daria: Isn’t that why they have the Academy Awards.
Quinn: Ha! What do those people know. Can you believe they actually gave Jack Nicholson an award for best actor? The guy’s over fifty!
Tiffany: Yeah, and he’s bald too.
Stacy: I don’t know. I thought that-
Sandi: Stacy! We already decided that Nicholson is like, the worst actor in show biz.
Stacy: But what about-
(Sandi gives Stacy one of her “shut up or I’ll kill you” faces. Stacy immediately stops talking. She sits back in the chair, looking very defeated.)
Quinn:(also getting annoyed) Daria. Shouldn't you be somewhere right now? Like in your room where you belong?
Daria: Yes. I should be in my room with my real friend, who I actually treat like a friend.
Quinn: Fine, whatever.
(Daria and Jane Walk up the stairs to the next floor. Sandi looks at Quinn puzzled.)
Sandi: Was it me or did your cousin just call you “Sis”?
Quinn:(in fake sympathy) Yes, well, ever since her real parents got put in prison, she’s tried so hard to fit into this family. Poor girl. Poor, poor, girl.(v.o) Whew. That was close.
Tiffany: Woah. It must feel weird having family members in prison like that.
Quinn: Hmmm? Oh yeah, totally. But I’m getting over it.
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Scene 5. Daria’s room.
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(Daria and Jane watch the T.V. Both are sitting on Daria’s bed.)
T.V.: Are ants developing better weapons than we have? Are they joining forces, and preparing for an invasion? Death from below! Today on Sick Sad World.
Jane: You know. No matter how many years I’ve been watching this show. I never seem to get tired of it.
Daria: If there was on show that was meant to last, this is it.
Jane: You’re not gonna do you’re story are you?
Daria:(sighs) I’ll ask Mr. O’neill for an extension. Remember how long it took me to write the last special writing assignment he gave me?
Jane: How could I forget?
Daria: I mean writing something that stars people I already know, is one thing. Writing something that’s nothing like what I normally do, is another.
Jane: I used to have the same problem back in grammar school.
Slow dissolve to past.
(The year is 1991. We see a 9 year old Jane Lane in a typical looking 3rd grade art class. Jane looks allot like how she does today. Only no lipstick, no boots, and she has shoulder length hair. All the kids sit around circular tables. Except for Jane who sits alone at a desk. Everyone is drawing on a sheet of paper. A middle aged woman with grayish hair, a baggy face, and a artist smock walks around the room.)
Art teacher: Very good class. Now I want to see puppies. Nice, cute, little Puppies.
(she walks up to Jane’s desk. When she looks at what Jane is doing, she gets a grim look on her face, reaches over and snatches away Jane’s drawing. We see that the picture is of a nasty looking Bulldog, with bloody teeth, standing on a pile of bones.)
Art teacher:(angrily) Jane! What is this? I said today we were going to draw puppies.
Jane: I did draw a puppy. A really mean, rabid puppy standing on a pile of bones.
Art teacher: Jane. This is neither cute, nor is it nice. It’s trash. Just for once can you go along with the group?
Jane: But I thought artists are supposed to be independent.
Art teacher: You’re not an artist Jane! You never have been and And You never will be!
(Fade back to present)
(Jane has a really pissy looking expression on her face. Daria waves a hand in front of Jane's face trying to snap her out of her silence.
Daria: Jane. Jane. Helooo.
Jane:(finally snapping out of it) Wha? Oh sorry. Just remembering an old enemy.(under her breath) lousy bitch.
Daria:(confused) excuse me?
Jane: Never mind.(picking up her backpack) Look I better get home before Trent accidentally burns the house down in his sleep. Would you like to stay over night?
Daria: Sorry. As of now, I’m required to spend at least four two a week with the family. And I’ve waited until now to use up those hours.
Jane:(leaving the room) Bummer. Well see ya tomorrow.
Daria: Same time, same place?
Jane: Ten AM., my house.
(Jane heads out the door and out of the house)
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Scene 6: Morgendorffer dining room 7:35 PM.
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(Jake, Helen, Daria, and Quinn sit in their usual spots. Once again they’re stuck eating (you guessed it) lasagna. Jake is doing that knife and hand game. Only with the flat end.)
Quinn: So then I told Mike, Look I can’t help if I’m really popular, and guys wanna go out with me. You just can’t expect me to go steady with you. I mean I was gonna go steady with him, but than nick asked me out, and he has this really cute older brother, so I had to break it off with mike. But than Nick gets the idea that I’m being nice to him, just so I can get close to his brother. I mean Just because-
Helen:(bitter) Quinn, do you realize that every night you’re not out on a date, you go on, and on about the complexities of your social life? I mean come on Quinn, your whole life sounds like it’s one big date with over a dozen boys.
Quinn:(missing the point) Thanks!
Helen: Can’t we talk about how you’re classes are going?
Quinn: Why do you wanna hear about that?
Daria: Yeah. Why do you want to hear about all the great things that Quinn’s not learning about in school.
Quinn: Exactly Daria. I mean why would people wanna talk about something as pointless, and boring as school?
Daria: Not you Quinn, that’s for sure.
Helen: Alright Daria. How was your day?
Daria: The kids ignored me, the popular kids shunned me, and Mr. O’neill gave me another creative writing assignment.
Helen: That’s wonderful Daria! You always have had a knack for writing.
Daria: Not with this assignment. This one’s gotten me even more stumped than that special assignment.
Helen: But that was a wonderful story you wrote. What’s so different about this assignment?
Daria: It has to be gothic based. You know like a horror story.
Quinn: Then what’s the problem Daria. All you’re stories are icky and gross.
Helen: Quinn! Daria is a very talented writer. right Jake?
(Jack hits his thumb with the flat end of the knife.)
Jake: Gaaaaw! Dammit!
Helen:(annoyed) Jake will you put the knife down, and tell Daria what a talented writer she is.
Jake: Daria writes?
Helen: OOOHHHH! Jake don’t you ever take an interest in your daughters?
Jake:(looks guilty) Where did I put that knife?
Helen: Oh for the love of-(her cell-phone rings) Helooo.... Yes, this is she..... Yes... Why yes I did know a Laura Blake. We were old friends back in..... Oh? (her face widens in shock) Oh my.. I don’t know what to say.. How did she...... Oh..... A son? I didn’t know she even had any kids.. What’s that?... I suppose he could, but doesn't he have a father?... Oh.... Well when will he be arriving? Sunday? That would be just fine. Oh and please give him my deepest Sympathies... Oh yes your number (she begins to write something on a napkin) Ok. Buy then.
(Helen slowly folds up the phone and places it in her pocket. She has a look of shock, and sadness on her face. Jake surprisingly is completely aware of this.
Jake: Helen? Is something wrong? What happened.
Helen: Jake. An old friend of mine has just died.
Jake: Oh Helen I’m so sorry.(he puts his arm around her in an attempt to comfort her)
Helen: That’s not all.
Quinn: It’s not?
Jake: what?
Helen: She has a son.
Daria: A son?
Helen: Yes. And he doesn't have a father. No legal guardian. He’s alone now.
Jake: What’s gonna happen to him?
Helen: Well. I talked with my Friend's attorney. And we decided that he’s going to live here for awhile.
Daria:(shocked) What?
Quinn: Moooom! You can’t adopt him! People will think this family's weird! I’ll lose all my popularity
Helen: Quinn! He just lost his mother! How can you think about you’re popularity at a time like this?
Quinn: OOOOOOOOOOOOO! I hate my life. I hate it! I hate it!
(the regular phone rings)
Quinn:(perking up) That’s for me!(she runs and picks up the phone) Hello? Matthew?
(Quinn walks out of the room)
Helen: I’m sure she’ll get used to it. (she looks over at Daria) And what do you think about this Daria.
Daria: Well. It’s hard to say. On one hand, I feel sorry for the guy. But on the other hand, he’s going to be living with us. What do you know about this guy?
Helen: I understand what you mean Daria. Tomorrow I’m going to call Laura’s attorney, and find out more about this boy.
Daria:(Getting up) Ummm. I think I’ll just go up to my room for awhile. If that’s okay of course.
Helen: Of course Sweaty. I’m sure this has been a big shock for you.
Daria: That’s the weird part. It has.
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Scene 7: Daria’s room 8:50 PM Friday
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(Daria lies on her bed, once again trying to break through her writer’s block)
Daria: Well bed it’s just you and me again. And another god forsaken writing assignment. Got any idea’s (pause) Thanks for nothing.
(Daria sits up, and reaches for her TV. remote)
Daria: Maybe some TV. will help. (she turns it on)
(The TV. shows a picture of a man being backed into a corner. There's a shadow of another man wielding a knife on the wall.)
TV.man: No! Please No! No, don’t! (we hear a slashing sound, and heavy screaming)
Daria: I don’t think so (she pushes the channel button)
(The TV. fuzzes up and switches to another channel. This one shows Chucky [the evil doll dude] also wielding a knife)
TV.Chucky: Nya ha ha ha ha ha!
Daria: This isn’t helping. (she pushes the channel button again)
(The TV. fuzzes up and switches to another channel again. This time it’s a talk show. The host is a typical looking one, with a fine suit, and slicked back hair.)
TV. Host: And now ladies and gentlemen. Let’s give a round of applause, for America’s most creepiest writers. Steven King!
Daria:(bitter) Oh no.
(Steven king walks on stage and sits in a chair next to the host.)
TV.Host: Mr. King. For many years now you've graced us all with your bone chilling stories. You must be very proud.
TV. S.K.: Indeed I am mike.(he pulls out a thick, black covered novel from behind him.) In fact I just want to remind the audience that my latest book, Gothic Tales from Hell is now in print.
TV. Host: Wow! Gothic Tales from Hell! Where do you come up with all this stuff?
TV. S.K.: Well Mike, It’s like I always say. Give the readers what they want. And the reader’s want one thing. Blood, blood blood. (The TV. is suddenly shut off)
Daria: Television. After fourteen years of loyalty, this is how you repay me?(looks at the bed) Yeah you said it.
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End of Act one.
commercial break. Show slow motion of young Jane getting yelled at by art teacher.
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Act 2
Scene 1: Jane’s room, Saturday 10:15 AM.
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(Jane paints a picture of a hand made up of different body parts. Daria lies on the bed in the same position as she was in “Quinn the Brain”.)
Jane:(still painting) So mother dies, leaving only son without a home, forcing him to move in with you. That, is what I call a good story.
Daria: Yeah. If it wasn’t already true.
Jane: What?
Daria: My mom got a call during dinner last night. Apparently, someone named Laura Blake had just recently died. Mom new her as a child, and now were letting her son stay with us. Why that is I don’t know.
Jane: That is so cool.
Daria: Why?
Jane: I mean think about it. A guy is going to be living with you. A guy! Do you realize that the odds of you seeing him naked are five out of ten?
Daria:(shocked) Jane!
Jane: Hey. I’ve got my Fantasies, and you’ve got your fantasies.(under her breath) Of you and Trent.(a pillow is thrown from off screen, and hits Jane in the face. Several feathers float through the air.) Why did I not see that coming?
Daria: Do you realize how perverted you just sounded? If I didn’t know better I’d say you were related to Upchuck.(the same pillow is thrown back in Daria’s face.) This is going to get old real fast.
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Scene 2: Sandi’s house, same time.
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(Quinn, Stacy, Sandi, and Tiffany sit in a booth eating pizza. Stacy is next to Tiffany, and Quinn is next to Sandi)
Quinn: And now, just because she was my mom’s friend, we have to let this guy stay with us. What gives?
Sandi: Boy Quinn. Every day it seems something bad keeps happening to you. Like that time your cousin told every one you were sisters. Or when Jeffy messed up on his lines in your play at the medieval festival. And what about the time when your mother tripped on the runway at that Mother, Daughter modeling fund raiser.
Quinn: Okay Sandi! I think you’ve made your point!
Sandi:(insincere) Sorry Quinn. I’m not, like trying to rub it in or, whatever.
Quinn: But those are nothing compared to this! A guy is going to be living with me! What’s going to happen when a date picks me up.
Tiffany: I know. Like that is totally messed up.
Stacy: I kind of feel sorry for him. The poor guy must feel awful about loosing his mother. Shouldn't we show a little more compassion?
Sandi:(hostile) Are you saying that were not compassionate Stacy?
Stacy: No, of course not. I would never accuse my best friends of being that.
Sandi: Good.(to Quinn) So when exactly is this boy coming.
Quinn: Sometime tomorrow. Oh what do I do? What do I do?
Sandi:(putting a hand on Quinn's right shoulder) Don’t worry Quinn We’ll help you through this.
Quinn: Oh Sandi. I know I can always count on you guys. Your the best.
Sandi:(smirks) I know.
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Scene 3: Morgendorffer Living room. 4:25 PM.
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(Helen is siting on the couch, talking to someone unknown to us, on the phone)
Helen: Alright then. Tomorrow at two thirty.... Yes we’ll be here. Alright, Bye, bye.
(Jake enters the room with the newspaper. He is now dressed in his casual clothes)
Jake: Who was that hon?
Helen: That was Allen. Laura’s son. He sounds like a very nice boy.
Jake: I hope so. Because if he tries anything with my daughters, I’ll-
Helen: Jake. He doesn't sound like that type. Besides, he’s gone through too much pain to be worrying about messing with Daria or Quinn.
Jake: Did you tell him about the girls?
Helen: Yes. And he sounded a little edgy about it too.
(Jake sits down on the couch, and thinks for a moment)
Jake: I wonder what it’ll be like. You know. Having a boy around the house.
(Slow ripple into a fantasy)
(Jake opens the door to the house, and finds that there is a huge and wild party in progress.
Jack: What the?
(As Jake walks through the house we see various faces from Brittany’s party in “The Invitation” and several other new faces. Every where Jake looks, he see’s boys, chugging down beer, girls dancing like drunken showgirls, and couples making out on the furniture. Jake, horrified, runs up the stairs, and down the hall. He soon reaches his bedroom door. As Jake enters the bed room, we hear a girl’s shriek.
Guy: (O.S) Hey! Beat it gramps! Or I’ll break your face
(The girl makes a small giggle. It’s the same couple that was in the laundry room. Also from “The Invitation”. Jake hurries out of the room, panicked.
Jake: My God! This place is a nut house! (suddenly a drunk grunger dude, emerges from out of the bathroom) You! Who put on this party?!
D.G.D.:(groggily) Dude. Where have you been? “Hick” Some dude named Allen put it on. “Hick” He’s cool.(he suddenly looses conciseness, and falls to the ground)
Jake: Allen? Allen?! I’LL KILL HIM!! I’LL KILL THE LITTLE BASTARD!
Quinn:(off screen) Daddy?
Jake:(turning around) Quinn?
Quinn: Daddy! (now on screen) Guess what? You’re gonna be a Grandpa!
Jake: What?
Quinn: I’m pregnant! Isn’t it great? And there’s the father.(she points down the hall). Hey Allen! Come over here and meet my dad!
(A huge, fat, and dirty looking biker punk walks towards them. He has long greasy hair, and a face covered with acne.
Allen:(in a Butt-head like voice) Uh hu hu hu hu. Like, Hey Mr. M. Uh hu hu hu hu. Were like family now. Uh hu hu hu hu. This is cool. (To Quinn) Hey baby. Uh hu hu hu hu.
Jake: (Pulling his hair) NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
(The scene spirals back into reality)
Jake:(jumping back into reality) Woah!
Helen: Jake?
Jake:(Looking around, seeing everything is normal) Whew. Helen I just had the worst thought. The whole house was destroyed. And, and there were all these kids getting drunk. And then Quinn. And the baby.
Helen: Jake. Why don’t you go into the kitchen and make yourself a nice cold drink.
Jake: But I... Hey you know a cold drink does sound nice! How about you hon?
Helen: I’ll pass.
(Just then Quinn Walks in)
Quinn:(quickly) Hi, can’t talk now. Gotta get ready for date with Leo, and call up Jeffy and ask him he can use his car to drive us. Bye.
(She runs upstairs.)
Jake: Is someone at the door Helen?
(Helen Rolls her eyes back in disbelief.)
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Scene 4: Pizza king. 4:46 PM.
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(Daria and Jane sit in their usual booth. They both eat a slice of pizza.)
Jane: O.K. Let’s go over the pros and cons, of having a guy living with you again.
Daria: Alright. Pro, he may be nice. Con, we could be looking at another Ted Dewitt .
Jane: Pro He might be cute.
Daria: Con. If he is. I may have to spend every night watching Quinn Trying to seduce him.
Jane: Pro, he might be the male version of you.
Daria: Con. Having an equal could prove disastrous.
Jane: Boy Daria, you really are a misery chick aren’t you?
Daria: Oh shut up.
Jane:(takes a bite of her pizza) So. Got any Ideas for your story?
Daria: No. This whole thing is really starting to become a pain in the ass.
Jane: Why don’t you do a story like scream? And have all the popular kids in school get their guts cut out.
Daria: And watch Mr. O’Neill call up my mother. Recommending that I go to a teen therapist.
Jane: You’re not going to make this easy are you?
Daria: Do I ever?
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Scene 5: Morgendorffer living room, 5:10 PM.
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(The front door opens, and Daria walks in. Helen walks out from the kitchen)
Helen: Daria? I thought you were going to sleep over at Joan’s.
Daria:(monotone) It’s Jane. And for some reason I just didn’t feel up to indulging myself in the eternal bliss that can only be found at Casa de lane.
Helen: Is something wrong Daria?
Daria:(monotone) No. I’m just as cheery as cheery can be.(V.O.) That is if you consider depressed to the point of suicide as being cheery.
Helen: Are you sure?
Daria:(monotone) Yes. What force on this earth could possibly depress me? (V.O.) To the point where I fear that depression.
Helen: Well alright. I just want you to be happy.
(Helen goes back into the kitchen.)
Daria:(grimly) Yeah. Thanks.
(The door bell rings. Quinn comes running down the stairs. She is dressed like how she was in “Daria Dance Party”)
Quinn: Don’t Answer it! It’s Leo!
(She runs for the door, and reaches for the knob. She stops when she sees Daria standing behind her)
Quinn:(impatiently) Well?
Daria: Well what?
Quinn:(whispering) Get up stairs! You know when a my dates, or friends come over, your supposed to keep out of site!
Daria:(whispering) You know, this is my house too.
Quinn:(whispering.) Common. His parents have a summer home in the keys. If he sees you here all is lost.
(Daria gives Quinn an emotionless stare.)
Quinn:(ws.) I’ll give you ten dollars
Daria: Sixty.
Quinn: Twenty.
Daria: Fifty!
Quinn: Thirty!
Daria: Forty!
Quinn: Done! Now get out of here.
Daria: Fine.
(Daria walks upstairs. Quinn opens the door. We get our first look at Leo. He is your typical looking suburban teen boy. Blond crew cut and flashy jacket.
Leo: Hey Quinn you look n-
Quinn: Shut up and get in the car.
Leo:(confused) umm. O.K.
Jeffy:(o.s.) Hey Quinn.
Quinn: Shut up!
(Leo closes the door as he leaves.)
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Scene 6: San Francisco Air port. 6:45 PM.
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(A yellow Taxi pulls up to the main entrance. From the back door steps Allen. He looks nothing like how he did in Jake's day dream. He has long dark brown hair, and is dressed in blue jeans, black T-shirt, with a blue over shirt on top. He turns back to close the door.
Allen: Thanks. (he closes the door, and swings a black duffel bag over his shoulder.) Well I guess this is goodbye San Francisco. (he enters the building)
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Cut to: int. Airplane. Coach section
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Allen finds his seat. After placing his duffel bag in the over head compartment. He takes his seat next teo the window. The attendants go through the usual procedure. They show the safety buckle, the oxygen masks, and the flotation devices. The engines start up, and the plane takes off. Allen looks out the window. The lights of San Francisco slowly disappear into the darkness.
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End of Act two
(Show slow motion of Jake screaming.)
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Commercial break:
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Act three
scene 1: Morgendorffer kitchen. Sunday morning 9:35.
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(Every one is sitting at the table. Daria, and Quinn are eating boles of cereal, Jake reads the paper, and Helen is spreading butter on a piece of toast.)
Helen:(perky) I’m so Glad that we can be able to have breakfast with each other like a real family for once.
(No one responds)
Helen:(continuing) Jake today I want you to get the guest room prepared for when Allen gets here.
(Jake doesn't respond but continues to read the paper. Helen becomes angry and yanks the paper away from him.)
Helen: JAKE!
Jake:(startled) Wha!
Helen: I said I want you to get the guest room ready!
Jake: We have a guest room?
Helen Yes! It’s the room across from Daria’s.*
(* I’m assuming that there are four rooms in the Morgendorffer’s house. Quinn, Helen and Jake take up the two rooms facing the street, while Daria takes up the room on the rear-right of the house. That would leave one room left one the rear left of the house. Of coarse I could be wrong.)
Jake: Oh. Sure thing Hon.
Daria: I guess I’ll be headed for Jane’s then.
Quinn: Yeah, and I uhhhh have an emergency meeting with the fashion club.
Helen: Forget it you two. Your both are going to stay here, and meet Allen. Whether you like it or not.
Quinn: Dammit Daria!
Daria: What did I do?
Quinn: I don’t know. I know you must have done something. Brains are always messing everything up.
Helen: Why do you both of have to act like this? Can’t you just act like civilized sisters for once?
Daria: Perhaps. Just as soon as I can get enough money to bring as much space between me and her as possible.
Helen: Daria. I can’t make you be positive towards your sister. But could you at least pretend to be positive?
Daria: You mean lie?
Helen: If it helps, yes.
Daria: Okay, here it goes. (turns to Quinn) Quinn I’m not sorry that you’re my sister, and that I’m going to have to live under the same roof with you for the next three years. (makes her Mona Lisa smile.)
Quinn:(not getting it) Thanks Daria. You see it’s not so hard to be nice to someone as attractive and popular as me. You, that’s another story.
(Helen shakes her head in despair, and walks out of the kitchen. Quinn, Daria, and Jake continue with what they were doing, when suddenly the doorbell rings.)
Daria:(getting up) that’s probably Jane.
Quinn: I really wish your weird friend would stop coming over here. What if one of my normal friends were to see her?
Daria:(a bit annoyed) Quinn, if there is one split second that you’re not selfish, conceded, or shallow, please make sure there’s a cam-corder nearby.
Quinn: What ever.
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Cut to: front door
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(Daria opens the door. Standing in the doorway is Jane.)
Jane: Alright where is he? Don’t try to hide him, and keep him all to yourself.
Daria: Jane what the hell are you talking about?
Jane: The guy that’s moving in with you.
Daria: You’re about five hours too early. He hasn’t arrived yet.
Jane: Curses. Wanna hang out over at my house while your waiting?
Daria: Okay, just let me ask Mrs. Judge Miller if I can or not. (turns around) Hey mom! Is it alright if I hang out over at Jane’s? I’ll be home before Allen gets here.
Helen:(O.S.) Sorry Daria, but I already said your staying here. Tell Joan that you can see her tomorrow.
Daria: (to Jane) Sorry. But you heard her.
Jane: Oh it’s cool. I guess Trent won’t mind to much that you wont be there
Daria: Be where?
Jane: He and the rest of the band are going to Cluster Burger to talk about a new name. He asked me to ask you if you wanted to come along.
Daria:(beginning to blush a bit) He did?
Jane: Yeah. But since you can’t I guess it’ll just be the five of us.
Daria:(now scowling) now turn the knife counter clock-wise.
Jane: Don’t worry. There be plenty of opportunities for you to seduce Trent.(begins to walk away) seeya.
Daria: sure.
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Scene: 2 Lawndale Airport gate A1. 10:20 AM.
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(Allen walks out of the gate. He walks toward the exit with the duffel bag still on his shoulder.)
(Cut to outside of airport)
(Allen walks up to the edge of the side walk, and waves for a taxi. A taxi stops in front of him. He gets in.)
(Cut to taxi interior)
(Allen sets his bag beside him in the back seat.)
Driver: Where to?
(Allen fumbles around in his pockets for the address. He soon realizes he has lost it)
Allen: Well I am a bit hungry. Are there any good pizza parlors around here?
Driver: I know just the one.
Allen: Cool.
(The taxi drives off)
(The taxi drives through Lawndale, passing some familiar landmarks.)
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Scene 3: Pizza King 10: 50 AM.
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(The taxi stops in front of the entrance. Allen pays the fare and steps out of back door and closes it. He makes his way to the door and enters. The Pizza king is filled with many familiar faces, including Joey, Jeffy, Jamie, Mack, Jodie, Kevin and Brittany. Need I say who’s with who?) Allen walks over to the counter. The chef is a man in his late twenties. He is warring an apron covered in spots of sauce and flower.)
Chef: what’ll it be?
Allen: One slice of Italian sausage.
Chef: sure. (he reaches into the counter and produces a slice of half cold pizza.) That’ll be two dollars.
Allen places two dollar bills on the counter and takes the pizza. He walks over to one of the round tables and sits down. He begins to eat his pizza, unaware that he is being eyed by Brittany.
(Cut to Mack, Jodie, Kevin Brittany’s booth.)
Kevin: And so then the dude with the red and black face kills the old dude, but then that younger dude kills that dude, and the kid blows up the space ship “BOOM!” and then like there’s this big party, and those duck dudes march in a parade. I think they were having a pep rally or something. And that’s like, the end. Cool huh.
Mack:(bitter) Oh yes Kevin. Who needs to actually see Star Wars when they can come to you, and have you spoil the whole thing with a five minute summery of the entire movie?
Kevin: Uhhh, I don’t know. The square root of nine?
Jodie:(to Mack) Don’t worry. Just as soon as I can find the time we can go see it together.
Make:(V.O.) Hmmm. I wonder if you can still get the thrill of the movie when watching it on DVD? (out loud) That sounds great.
Kevin: Yeah! maybe Britt and I can go with you. You know Double date? (to Brittany who hasn’t been paying attention) Is that cool babe? (bt) Babe? ( he nudges her) Babe!
Brittany: What?
Jodie: what have you been looking at all this time?
Brittany: Is that guy from around here? (she points to Allen) Cuz I’ve never seen him before.
Jodie: I don’t know. Maybe he’s new in town.
Kevin:(whiny) Babe how come you’ve been looking at another guy?
Brittany: Don’t worry Kevie. I know what’ll cheer you up.
Kevin: Oooooo babe. (they begin to make out. Like that did in “Malled” all you see are Brittany's pigtails hanging over the side of the seat.)
Jodie:(sickened) Oooo boy.
Mack: I think I should include watching these two make out as part of my daily schedule.
(Back at Allen’s table, Allen finishes his pizza, and gets up from his seat. As he does this he notices Brittany and Kevin.)
Allen: Oh my god. I left San Francisco for this? (looks up to the heavens) mom, why did you forsake me like this? (pause) Oh well I better see if Any one can give me directions.
(Allen walks over to the three J’s table)
Allen: Umm excuse me?
Jeffy: Yeah?
Allen: I’m new in town. My name’s Allen.
Jeffy: I’m Jeffy, and this Joey, and Jamie.
Jamie/Joey: Hey. / Wassup?
Allen: Hey. Anyway, you wouldn’t happen to know where I might find the Morgendorffer residence would you?
(immediately the three J’s go into defense mode.)
Jeffy: Why? You looking for a date With Quinn?
Allen: Who?
Joey: Hey man, Quinn’s Mine!
Jeffy: Nu-uh. She’s mine
Jamie: The hell she is. Quinn’s my girlfriend!
(They begin to argue even more, and forget about Allen.)
Allen: Guys....Guys.... GUYS! (he gets their attention) It’s been nice talking with you, but I think I’m going to ask someone else
(Allen walks away, and they continue to argue. He makes his way over to Mack’s booth. Kevin and Brittany have finished making out, but their hair and cloths are all messed up.)
Allen: Excuse me. I’m around new here, and I don’t know my way around. Could any of you tell me where the Morgendorffer residence is?
Jodie: Yeah you go down Main street, take a right, and circle around the block. The address is 1111 Glen Oaks Lane. It’s the red House.
Allen: Thanks. I didn’t catch your name.
Jodie: I’m Jodie, my boyfriend Mack, and these two are Kevin and Brittany:
Kevin: I’m the Q.B.!
Brittany: And I’m his girlfriend!
Allen:(edgy) That’s nice. I’m Allen. Thanks for the directions. (walks out the door.)
(Everyone sits in silence, until Jodie finally pipes up.
Jodie: Why do you think he’s going to Daria’s?
Mack: Family?
Jodie: No. I don’t see any resemblance. Maybe he’s visiting her.
Brittany: He was Cuuute.
Kevin: Babe!
Brittany: Eep!
Jodie: This sounds pretty strange. A guy comes walking in. No one’s ever seen him before. And he asks for directions to Daria’s house. And we all know that either Daria or Quinn would have mentioned somthing about having another family member.
Mack: Would they?
Jodie: Well, Perhaps not. But still. (looks at Brittany) Brittany can I borrow your cell-phone?
Brittany:(a bit confused) Ummmm, okay. ( she reaches into her purse and pulls out her cellular. She hands it to Jodie) hear you go.
(Jodie takes the phone and dials a number.)
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Scene four: Morgendorffer kitchen 10:58 A.M.
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(The Phone rings. Quinn dashes over to it, and picks it up.)
Quinn: Hello? Oh high Jodie. What? (groans) Yeah I’ll get her. (Yelling) DARIA!
Daria:(entering kitchen) Yes Quinn?
Quinn:(holding out the phone) Jodie Landon wants to talk to you.
Daria: (taking the phone) Hello?
(show split screen between Daria and Jodie)
Jodie: Hey Daria.
Daria: Hey Jodie. What ever it is, the answer is no. I’ve had enough extra extracurricular activities to last me ten years after death.
Jodie: Don’t worry Daria. I’m not going to bug you with one of those.
Daria: Then what is it you want to talk to me about.
Jodie: About three minutes ago, some guy walked into the pizza king. He looked around sixteen, or seventeen maybe.
Daria: What's so big about that.
Jodie: He’s not from around here. And he was carrying a black bag over his shoulder.
Daria: I fail to see the significance to this.
Jodie: He was asking people for directions to your house.
Daria:(eyes widen) My house? Did this guy happen to give a name.
Jodie: Yeah. I think it was Adam. No wait it was Allen. Yes his name was Allen. Why do you know him?
Daria: I’ll explain later. How long ago did he leave?
Jodie: Just now.
Daria: Thanks Jodie. I’ll see you tomorrow.
Jodie: Ummm. Okay. bye.
(They both hang up their phones, and the screen becomes one again.)
Quinn: What did she want? And most of All why did she want to talk to you, and not me?
Daria: Maybe because I’m her friend.
Quinn:(smirking) That’s a good one Daria. You, friends with one of the most popular girls in school. I’m sorry Daria, but you have to learn to lie better.
Daria: As much as I would love to make a nasty comeback at you, there’s a more important matter to deal with.
Quinn:(haughty) And, what would that be?
Daria: Allen’s been sighted.
Quinn: Who?
Daria: The guy that’s moving in with us.
Quinn: Well excuse me! I can’t be expected to remember every guy’s name. Especially ones that are going to ruin my life forever.
(Helen hears the quarreling and walks into the kitchen.)
Helen: Oh not again. What are you girls fighting about now?
Quinn: Nothing. Nothing that’s important.
Daria: Mom. What time did Allen say he was going to be here?
Helen: I believe he said two thirty. Why do you ask?
Daria: He’s in Lawndale right now. And he’s headed our way.
Helen: What? He’s here? But it’s only eleven! Oh no matter. Just be ready when he gets here. And try to act nice.
Daria: I will make a dainty garland for my neck and chock.
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Scene 5. side walk Glen Oaks Lane. 11: 05 AM.
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(Allen walks along the side walk. As he walks , he looks around at the scenery.)
Allen: Warning. You have now entered suburb hell. Please keep hands and arms inside the cockpit.(he chuckles) I don’t know how I’m going to get used to this place. Hell, I don’t even know how I’m going to get used to living with two girls. I guess that ain't so bad, now that I think about it. (bt) Who am I talking to?
(Finally he reaches the Morgendorffer House. He looks at for a few seconds, and then sighs.)
Allen: Well. My destiny awaits.
(he walks up the drive way, and up to the front door. He reaches over and rings the doorbell.)
(Cut to int. Morgendorffer house)
(Helen runs up to the window and looks out to the front door.)
Helen: Jake! Girls! He’s here!
(within a few seconds everyone is lined up in front of the door. Helen reaches over to the doorknob, and opens it. Standing in the doorway is Allen. Both Quinn and Daria are surprised to see that he is somewhat attractive, and very intelligent looking.)
Helen: Allen?
Allen: Yes.
Helen: I’m Helen Morgendorffer. And this is my Husband Jake.
Jake:(extending his hand) Hey dude! Wassup?
(Allen has a blank look on his face)
Allen:(v.o) Oh god. An adult trying to act like a teenager. Just humor him, or he’ll never shut up.(outloud) Wassup.
(He returns the gesture and shakes Jake’s hand.)
Helen: (Pushing Daria and Quinn forward) And these are my to daughters. Daria, and Quinn.
Daria:(extending her hand) Umm. Nice to meet you.
Allen:(shaking her hand) It’s nice to meet you to Daria.
Quinn:(perky) Hi I’m Quinn. It’s so nice to meet you.
Allen: Hello Quinn. I guess your the one those three guys at the Pizza king thought I was trying to go out with.
Quinn: You mean Joey, Jeffy, and Jamiel?
Allen: That’s them. Boy friends?
Quinn: No. They just buy me things, and give me rides. I haven't found the right guy yet. (makes starry eyes at Allen) And I’m still Available.
Allen:(v.o.-bland) Oh boy. She’s hitting on to me. Can one take so much? (outloud) That’s nice.
Helen: Well I guess you’ll want to put you’re things away. (she looks at the duffel bag on his shoulder.) is that All you have?
Allen: Oh no. My things should arrive in a day or two. Until then I have all that I’ll need in this bag. I’d like to see my room, if that’s okay.
Helen: Of course dear. Daria, show Allen to his room.
Quinn: What about me?
Helen: If you want to Quinn, you can show him to.
Quinn: Cool (grabs Allen's hand) common! I’ll show you my room first. (she drags him up the stairs. Daria fallows them.)
Helen: He seems like a nice young man.
Lake: Yeah. And did you see that? He actually shook my hand. None of Quinn’s fellas ever did that.
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scene 6 Upstairs hall.
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(Quinn points out the different rooms to Allen)
Quinn: And that’s the bathroom, where I make myself look cute every morning. That’s mom and Dad’s room.
(Quinn leads Allen to her room.)
Quinn: And this is my room.
Daria:(whispering in Allen’s ear) You are now entering hell. Please keep hands and arms inside the cockpit.
Allen: (v.o)Hey this chick is my kind of girl. Maybe this won’t be so bad after all. (he smiles)
(Quinn opens the door. Allen steps into the room. He now wears a very shocked expression on his face. The scene spirals around him, showing all angles of the room. It stops behind his head.)
Quinn: What do you think?
Allen:(turning around) It reminds me of a Raven’s Revenge. Bright and colorful. (whispering in Daria’s ear) and sweet to the point where it makes me want to puke.
(Daria chuckles. Like the way she did in “I Don’t”)
(Allen steps out of the room, and continues down the hall. He turns to Daria’s door, and opens it. He looks around at the many strange attributes of the room.)
Allen:(poking at the padded wall) This is so cool. Can I have this room?
Daria: Sorry, but I’m currently occupying it.
Allen: Damn. Well, where’s my room?
Daria: Right across from mine.
(Allen walks to the door across from Daria’s, and opens it. The room is the same size as Daria’s. Only there is absolutely nothing in it. Allen looks around, and sets down his bag.)
Allen: Nice. All it needs, is a gun rack, lab desk, blueprints for world domination, and a super computer.
Daria: Sorry we don’t have a bed for you.
Allen: That’s okay. Do you think I can barrow a sleeping bag?
Daria: Sure.
(Allen begins going through his bag. He pulls out several shirts, Jeans, ect. He then pulls out a sheathed katana. Daria and Quinn’s eyes widen.)
Daria: Where did you get that?
Allen:(looking at the katana) This? Oh I like to collect old weapons. This one’s my favorite.
Daria: Can you use it?
(Allen smiles, and unsheathes the katana. He begins twirling it, and dose one of those ninja deals with the fancy moves. He stops, and takes a pose.)
Allen: Does that answer you question?
Quinn: That was sooo cool. You look so strong when you do that.
Allen: Ummm thanks.
Daria: Where did you learn to do that?
Allen:(putting the katana away) I took Kendo awhile ago. So I picked up some moves along the way.
(Quinn walks out of the room.)
Daria: You’re not one of those Neo-Nazis that’s going to come to our school and slaughter every one are you?
Allen: Of course not.
Daria: Darn.
Allen: What?
Daria: Nothing.
(Quinn comes back into the room holding a book of colors)
Allen: What’s that?
Quinn: I was thinking that I could help redecorate your room.
Allen: I appreciate that, but I kinda like it the way it is.
Quinn: Don’t be silly, white is defiantly not your color. I was thinking along the line of light peach, or coral. Or maybe a light sky blue, but than that would clash with your eyes....
(Daria, and Allen look at each other blankly, as Quinn goes on.)
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End of Act three
(Show split screen, slow motion of Allen showing off his moves, and of him stepping through the front door.)
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Commercial break
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Act four.
Morgendorffer dining room. 7:30 Pm. Sunday.
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(The Morgendorffers plus Allen sit at the table eating a type of pasta dish. Quinn, and Daria both sit next to Allen, while Jake and Helen, sit across from him.)
Helen: So Allen, what school did you attend in San Francisco?
Allen: SOTA.
Quinn: Soda?
Allen: No, SOTA. School of the Arts.
Daria: You went to an art school?
Quinn: Aren’t art schools those places where they put all the freaks?
Allen: Only the finest! Seriously, the kids that go there are pretty cool. They weren’t doing drugs or anything like that.
Jake: Tell me Allen, You play any sports?
Allen: Sure. I work out in the gym, run laps, and study martial arts.
Daria: Is there one thing this boy can’t do?
Allen: Oh lots of things. I just don’t think about them.
Quinn: So Allen. I was thinking, that maybe since your new here, I could give you a tour of all the cool, and popular places of Lawndale. Then maybe We could go see a movie, and then go to a nice restaurant.
Allen: If I didn’t know any better, I would say you’re trying to get to ask you out.
Quinn: Is it working?
Allen: No.
Quinn: (dejected) Ohhh. You’re the first guy to say no. Oh what will I do? What will I do?
(the phone rings.)
Quinn: That’s for me! (picking it up) Hello? Matthew?
(She gets up and walks away)
Allen:(to Daria) Is she always like that?
Daria: Yes. You’ll get used to it.
Allen: I guess. I hope I didn’t hurt her feelings.
Helen: Oh don’t worry. She has lots of boy flocking around her. You saying no to her won’t make a difference.
Jake: Who said what to who now?
Helen: Ohhh for Pete’s sake!
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Scene 2. Allen’s bed room.
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(Daria is rolling out a sleeping bag on the floor, while Allen sits beside her.)
Allen: I really appreciate you letting me sleep in this tonight.
Daria: It’s no problem. But If I find one trace of urine, or semen, you are dead.
Allen: Do I look like, a sleazy little pervert to you?
Daria: No. Because I’ve actually known several.
Allen: Oh. I pity you.
Daria: Thanks. Anyway, what do you think of Lawndale so far?
Allen: Congratulations
Daria: What for?
Allen: You have people here that are more screwed up than the ones in San Francisco. Your award will arrive in three to four weeks.
(Daria laughs)
Allen: Can I ask you something?
Daria: Yes.
Allen: How did your room get to be like that. It is so cool!
Daria: The last occupant was a schizophrenic.
Allen: I wish was one those had previously occupied my mom’s apartment. Unfortunately we got stuck with one that previously occupied by a serial killer. One that used to turn the victims teeth into a type of narcotic.
Daria: Cool. (she takes off her glasses, and wipes something off of them.)
Allen: You have real pretty eyes.
Daria:(blushes) ummmm thanks.
Allen: I’m sorry if I’m so straight forward. It’s just the way I am.
Daria: It’s okay, you are forgiven. Now can I ask you something?
Allen: Go ahead.
Daria: How did you mother die?
Allen:(looks at her for a moment) She died of liver cancer.
Daria: I’m sorry.
Allen: Yeah. Me too. Listen I’m just going to go to sleep now. That plane ride was a bitch. (he slides into the sleeping bag and buries his face in the pillow.) G’night.
Daria: G’night.
(She heads toward the door, then shuts off the light. The door opens, and we see the silhouette of Daria exiting the room)
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Scene 3. Morgendorffer kitchen, Monday morning 7:35 Am.
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(Daria Quinn walk into the kitchen. There they find Allen, cooking something on the stove. Jake reads the paper, while Helen drinks her coffee.)
Allen: Morning!
Daria: What are you doing?
Allen: Cooking,
Daria: Umm, why?
Allen: I don’t know. I just felt like eating something hot today. So I decided to make sausages. Care for some?
Quinn: Ewww. Like, I would really eat something that was made from the fattest part of an Animal. Don’t you know how greasy those things are?
Helen: Quinn!
Quinn: I’m sorry mom, but people with beautiful skin like mine, can’t afford to eat greasy foods. Not that I would eat them if they weren’t greasy, because the have so much fat in them, and-
Allen: A simple no thank you would have been just fine. Would you like any Daria?
Daria: Oh hell why not. (Holds out a plate) Link me.
(Allen gives her a few links, and takes three for himself. They both walk over to the table, and sit down. Daria takes a bite out of one of them.
Daria: These are pretty good.
Allen: Thanks. Back home I was considered quite the cook.
Jake: You know I’m a pretty good chef myself. You should try my kitchen sink stew.
Daria: I would have to advise against that dad. I really don’t think you want to pay for his medical bills.
Jake: Oh yeah. Good point.
Helen: Eat up kids, you don’t want to be late for school.
Daria: Guess again.
Helen: Allen, Are you ready to go back to school?
Allen: I don't know. I’d like to wait a couple days before I start school again.
Helen: Of course. I’m sure this whole thing has been very hard on you. And remember, if there’s anything you need I’ll always be-(her cell phone rings, and she picks it up.) hello? Oh high Eric. No I’m not doing anything right now. What!? Well them that they can forget about it? (walks out of the room continuing)
Allen: What was that about?
Daria: Business call. It’s bet to put a three hundred meter gap between yourself and during one.
Allen: What dose, she do?
Daria: She’s a lawyer.
Allen: Ohhhh.
(Daria finishes her sausages, and picks up her back pack)
Daria: Well I’m off. Are you sure you don’t want to go?
Allen: Hmm. Let’s see here. I could got to a suburban school, and sit through six hours of classes, learning useless information, or I can stay here, and chill. (Ponders for a moment) Bye!
Daria: Smart move.
(She gets up and leaves, Allen follows her to the door.)
Allen: Can I ask you something?
Daria: Sure.
Allen: Do any normal people live in Lawndale? And by normal, I’m mean weird.
Daria: Only the finest. I’ll introduce you to them later. In the mean time, make sure you take plenty of rest breaks and stay hydrated. Bye. (leaves)
Allen: Seeya. (he closes the door behind her.)
(Suddenly the doorbell rings, Allen answers it. Standing in the doorway is Corey (The boy from “Quinn the Brain” that has the wussy voice.)
Corey: Ummm is this Quinn’s house?
Allen: Yes.
Corey: Then where is she? I’m supposed to drive her to school today. And who are you?
Allen: Allen.
Corey: But I thought I was going to drive Quinn today.(dejected) I guess she’s embarrassed to be with a guy with Honda.
(Just them Quinn enters, She’s horrified when she sees Allen at the door with Corey.)
Quinn: Corey. I can explain. You see Allen is myyyy... Other cousin.
Allen: No I’m not.
Corey: It’s alright Quinn. I understand if you don’t want me to drive you anymore.(starts sobbing) I’ll go now.(runs toward his car and drives off.)
Quinn: Corey Wait, He really is my cousin! Honest! (groans) Now look what you did!
Allen: What did I do!?
Quinn: You made Corey think you were driving me today! Now I don’t have a ride!
Allen: Hey, how was I supposed to know that you were expecting someone?
Quinn: It should be quite obvious. Someone as attractive and popular as me is always given rides.
Allen: I’m sorry. Okay? That’s all I can give you!
Quinn: Whatever.(begins to walk toward the sidewalk) I hope you know you’re making me actually walk to school.
Allen: What a pity. (closes the door)
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Scene 4. Mr. O’neill’s class.
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(Daria walks in. There is no one around except Mr. O’neill, who is talking into a hand mirror.)
Mr.O’neill: Ummm Janet, I was wondering if you weren’t busy this Thursday, that maybe we-
Daria: Mr. O’Neill.
Mr.O’Neill: Gaa!(calming down) Oh it’s you Daria. But Class hasn’t started yet.
Daria: Yeah, I know. I wanted to talk to you about the assignment you gave us n Friday. I couldn't do it.
Mr. O’Neill: Oh no. Writer's block again?
Daria: Yeah. I was hoping I could get an extension.
Mr. O’neill: Well, it’s not something I normally do. But since I know you're actually trying to work on it, I’ll give you an extra day.
Daria: Thanks.(she begins to walk away.)
Mr. O’neill: Just a moment Daria.
Daria: Yes?
Mr. O’neill:(handing her a book) I think this might help you. It’s a writers guide.
Daria:(takes the book) Ummm. Thanks.
Mr. O’neill: Daria, I’ve never been able to tell any of my students this before. I think you’re my best student out all my years of teaching.
Daria: Oh?
Mr. O’Neill: It’s true. I think you have great talent. Talent that will get somewhere in life. I have allot of faith in you Daria. So don’t feel discouraged if you can’t produce something. Even the greatest authors had that problems.
Daria: Thanks Mr. O’neill.
Mr. O’Neill: Any time Daria.
(Daria leaves the room.)
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Scene 5. Side walk. 3:14 PM.
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(Jane and Daria walk down the side walk. Daria is now reading the cover of the book that Mr. O’Neill had given her.)
Daria:(reading) The A,B,C’s of becoming a successful author. What the hell is this?
Jane: You know what they say. You don’t judge a book by its cover.
Daria: If that were so, than many of your fellow artists would be jobless.
Jane: True. So any way, what’s up with that guy?
Daria: Allen? He seems pretty cool. Nice sense of humor, likes collecting swords, and is the only guy I know that can resist Quinn.
Jane: Is he cute?
Daria:(Shrugs) I guess so. He told me flat out, that I had pretty eyes.
Jane: Oh the romantic type eh?
Daria: I wouldn’t put it like that.
(They reach the Morgendorffer house. They walk up the door, and Daria takes out her keys.
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Cut to Morgendorffer living room.
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(Daria, and Jane enter through the front door. Lying sideways on the couch is Allen, channel surfing. Daria and Jane walk up behind the couch. We now see that Allen is in total zombie mode.)
Daria: Allen?
Allen: Yeeeessss.
Daria: Are you okay?
Allen:(sitting up) I guess so. Over one hundred channels of digital cable, and still nothing good is on. (notices Jane) Who are you?
Jane: Jane Lane. Artist extraordinaire.
Allen: Allen Blake. A little bit of every thing.
(They shake hands)
Jane: How’s life with the Morgendorffers?
Allen: Lets see here. Mrs. Morgendorffer went on a warpath for the first hour. Mr. Morgendorffer remained totally oblivious the whole time. And Quinn went from wanting me, to wanting me dead. All in all. It’s just like back home in San Francisco.
Jane: You’re from San Francisco? What school did you go to?
Allen: SOTA.
Jane: School of the Arts? That is so cool. What department.
Allen: Visual arts.
Jane: Well we have one thing in common. We both appreciate the realm of art.
Daria: Umm, so what do you wanna do now?
Jane: Wanna get some pizza?
Allen: No thanks. I’ve spent the last eight hours watching T.V. I wanna try and make it a clean twelve.
Daria: Are you sure?
Allen: Yes. There is nothing that could possibly pull me away from this couch.
(Jake enters the room. He is dressed in his casual clothes, and is holding a book in his hands.)
Jake: Hey kids! Wassup?
Jane: Hey Mr. Morgendorffer!
Jake: It’s Jake! Hey Allen, I just found My high school journal. I can show it to you, while we watch the game!
Allen:(quietly to Daria) Help me!
Daria: Sorry dad. We were going to go get some pizza.
Allen:(gets up and runs over to Jane and Daria.) Yeah that’s right! Maybe some other time.
Jake: It’s cool, my man!
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Cut to Morgendorffer front door, ext.
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(Daria, Jane and Allen stand outside)
Allen: Thanks.
Daria: I’m sure you'd do the same for me.
Jane: Any way, if you two are finished, maybe we can flee this cesspool, and get some grub.
Allen: You’ll get no argument from me their.
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Scene 6. Sandi’s house. 3:35 PM.
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(Quinn, and the Fashion Club, sit on the couch and chairs)
Tiffany: And so like, he made you actually walk to school. That is so wrong.
Quinn: And all he said was “Sorry” of whatever. Like that was going to help me get to school. Can you imagine what would have happened if their was a sudden gust of wind?
Tiffany: I know, wind hair is like so unsightly.
Stacy: Did he really mean to do that?
Quinn: Of course he did. He was probably Jealous, because the night before he asked me out. And I told him, sorry I don’t date losers. So he probably chased Corey off, to get even.
Tiffany: Boys are sooo immature.
Sandi: As president of the Fashion Club, I declare, that we put this Allen in his place. And teach him that when you mess with a member of the Fashion Club, you mess with the Fashion Club itself.
Stacy: Gee Sandi I don’t think we really need to-
(Sandi glares at Stacy, Stacy cowers)
Sandi: Quinn I will personally set this boy in line.
Quinn: Thanks Sandi.
Sandi: anything for a friend.(smiles evilly)
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Scene seven. Pizza king. Same time
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(Jane and Daria sit at their usual booth. Allen sits across from them.)
Jane: So what’s it like in an actual city.
Allen: Let’s now. It’s noisy, it smells like pee most of the time, infested with tourist, and you have a fifty, fifty chance of bumping into a homicidal maniac.
Jane: Cool.
Allen: I know.
Jane: so what do you do in your spare time?
Allen: Oh I draw, read, preform satanic rituals, or work in the garage.
Daria: what do you do in there.
Allen: I build things. You see I got this underground business. I would take busted up bikes from scrap yards, rebuild them, then sell them to bikers.
Jane: Is that legal?
Allen: Who knows. As long as I’m making money, it’s legal to me.
Daria: That’s reasonable.
Jane:(looking back) hey our pizza’s ready.
Allen: I get it. (he gets up and walks off)
Jane: So what’s the deal between you and him?
Daria: Their is no deal. We’re just friends.
Jane: You sure?
Daria: Yes.
Jane: Good. Because if you don’t want him I do. He is cute.
Daria: Some things about you are never going to change.
Jane: No. But I think he’s pretty cool. Artist, mechanic, intellectual. When have you ever ran into someone like that?
Daria: I see you’re point. But I don’t know if I wanna develop a relationship with him.
(Allen returns with the pizza)
Allen: Did I miss anything?
Daria/Jane: No!
(Allen looks somewhat confused, and looks at both Daria, and Jane, then shrugs)
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End of Act four
(Show slow motion of Daria, and Jane walking down the sidewalk)
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Commercial break
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Act four.
Daria’s room. 8:30 Pm. Monday
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(Daria is siting on the floor reading Mr. O’Neill’s book. Allen lies on her bed face down.)
Daria: I still can’t believe he gave me this piece of crap.
Allen: Lemmy see.
(Daria hands him the book. He reads the cover.)
Allen: The A,B,C’s of Becoming a Successful Author. Could something possibly be more banal?
Daria: Sure, just sit in my room for a few hours.
Allen: Want some advice?
Daria: sure.
Allen: First ditch this. (he tosses the book over his shoulder.) To me, the key to producing a good piece of work, is to just relax, and go with your instinct.
Daria: You write?
Allen: Sure. I’m actually in the middle of making my own novel.
Daria: That’s cool.
Allen: It’s hard though. Sometimes it would take me a month to write half a chapter. And I’m only on chapter two.
Daria: But I’m not writing a novel. I’m just writing something that will keep the reader in suspense. I’ve never written anything like that before.
Allen: Can I see some of your work.
Daria: Sure:(gets up and walks over to her closet. She comes back with a box load of paper.) Take your pick.
(Allen picks up one story and begins to read it)
Allen: Hey, this is excellent.
Daria: You think so?
Allen: Absolutely. You really have an eye for detail. “She stood motionless. The fresh speckles of human blood, running down her face, and her stiff hand griping the warm semi. She looked down at Joseph, with her stony eyes. Finally she ushered. “Sorry Jo. It’s just business.”
Daria: Thanks. But it’s not gothic.
Allen: Who says it has to be gothic? Just write something That’ll keep the reader on end. What was it about “SCREAM” that made it so popular.
Daria: For me. Drew Berrymore getting her gutted.
Allen:(shocked) Oooookay. That’s not what I meant. What I meant was, that every one was always on the edge of their seat during one of the murder scenes.
Daria: So what you’re saying is, I should try writing something that resembles a suspenseful murder scene in a hour movie.
Allen: Strong with the force you are.
Daria: I never thought about it that way before. Let me try it.(she begins writing)
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Fade into Fantasy
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(the scene is you’re typical country house. In the kitchen is Quinn. Only not exactly Quinn. She is in the kitchen heating popcorn on the stove. Suddenly the phone rings.)
Quinn:(picking up phone) Hello, Matthew?
Voice:(synthesized) Nope.
Quinn: Oh. Then who is this?
Voice: Who is this?
Quinn: Who are you?
Voice: Do you like Scary movies?
Quinn: Why, are you asking me out?
Voice: Maybe. Just answer the question.
Quinn: Well first of all I don’t like those Icy movies. The last time I saw one of those, I got so scared, that I spilled my diet soda all over my, and ruined my dress.
Voice: What movie did you see?
Quinn: Halloween H2O.
Voice: Is that the one with the guy that has the rubber mask, that’s trying to kill his sister?
Quinn: Yes. Now if you don’t mind I’m waiting for a call from a really cute boy’s older brother, good bye! (hangs up the phone.)
(The phone rings again Quinn picks it up.)
Quinn: Hello?
Voice: You hung up on me.
Quinn: well Duh!
Voice: I wanna know your name.
Quinn: Why?
Voice: Because I wanna know who’s blood I’m gonna splatter all over the place!
Quinn: What?
(A man in a black cloak, and warring a SCREAM mask, crashes through the window. Quinn screams and runs out of the kitchen. The man chases after her.)
Quinn: Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeelp!
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The scene fades out.
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Fade in to Scene 2. Mr. O’Neill’s Class. Tuesday
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(Daria is now reading the story she had written the night before. Mr. O’Neill looks somewhat tense as he listens to the explicit details of the story. The other students listen carefully. It’s Obvious that the suspense has reached them.)
Daria: (reading) Nina could feel the pain of the cramp build up as she made her way passed the tree. She stopped to catch her breath. The beads of sweat ran down her face, and onto the damp ground. She could hear her heart ready to burst, from its heavy beating. “I lost him.” she said, leaning against the tree. It was then she saw the gleaming knife slash across her view. She reached up to feel the fresh blood, seeping out from the cut in her neck. Giving one last sigh of life, Nina collapsed. The blacked cloaked figure, took hold f a limp leg and dragged her off, into the darkness of the night. And all was silent.
(The class bursts into rounds of applauds and cheers, as every student gives Daria a standing ovation. Daria lowers her papers, and smiles.)
Mr.O’Neill: Daria, that was excellent! A true work of gothic fiction. I guess the book I gave you really helped.
Daria:(V.O.) Guess again.
(She returns to her desk next to Jane’s and sits down.)
Jane: I told you if you did a “Scream” imitation it would pass.
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Scene 3. Morgendorffer kitchen. 6:35 PM.
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(Daria, Allen, Quinn, Jake, and Helen, sit around the table.)
Helen: An A plus!? Daria this is wonderful!
Jake: I’m so proud of you kiddo!
Helen:(looking at the paper.) It’s a bit grim. But it’s and excellent piece of work.
Quinn: Ugh! Why are you making such a big deal over a stupid writing assignment? It’s so icky, and gross. It’s not like it’s actually worth anything.
Helen: Quinn! Daria worked very hard to make this. The least you could do is give her a little support. You haven't even read most of it.
Quinn: Like I would.
Allen: Don’t worry Mrs. Morgendorffer. I’m sure she’ll have plenty of time to read it once we hang it on the refrigerator.(makes an evil smirk at Quinn)
Quinn: What? You can’t hang it up! It’s ugly! And it’ll take room from more important things. Like notes on who called me, or those really cute pictures of me. Why should she get all that room to put her stupid paper.
Helen: Quinn! To your room! Now!
Quinn: But I have a date!
Helen: I’ll say goodbye for you! Now get up stairs.
(Daria, and Allen smirk at Quinn as she stomps her way out of the room. Before she leaves, she turns to both of them.)
Quinn:(to Daria) I hate you! (to Allen) and you too. I knew you'd ruin my life! (exits the room.)
Allen: For some reason I feel hurt.
Helen: Don’t worry dear. She gets like this all the time, right Jake?
Jake: Huh? hey where Quinn?
Helen: Ohhhh. Don’t you ever pay attention to anything around here?
Jake: I’m sorry.
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Daria’s room. 7:00 PM.
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(Daria and Allen sit beside each other on the bed)
Allen: So you aced the assignment, increased odds of getting a good letter of recommendation, got praised by your parents, and got Quinn pissed off. The force is strong with you young Morgendorffer.
Daria: Well, I owe some of it to you Allen-wan Kenobi.
(both laugh, and smile at each other.)
Allen: You’re pretty cool Daria.
Daria: You’re pretty cool too. I’m glad that I can be able to call some one else the word known as friend.
Allen: Thanks.
Daria: Anytime Newcomer.
The End.