Dated
By Amanda Summers


Legal notice: Daria and all characters property of MTV. No copyright infringement is intended with this tribute scrip t. Employees of MTV are welcome to read this: I hereby aver that I will not attempt to sue MTV should similar ideas someday appear on the show. I'm an aspiring writer, and my talent is for sale. However, this script was not produced for financial gain-- it's a work of appreciation for a great TV show and its devoted fa ns.

QUINN: So then, he ordered the entrée for both of us in French! Everyone in the whole room was staring at our table.

HELEN: I'm glad you had a good time, dear.

QUINN: That was the best date ever.

DARIA: So, Quinn. What was your date's name?

QUINN: Uagh! What difference does it make? I'll remember him when he asks me out again. He always wears this really cool silver thumb ring.

HELEN: What about you, Daria, what did you do last night?

DARIA: I went out on a date with a millionaire secret agent who flew me to his secluded headquarters in Honolulu. We dined on roast pig and swallows' tongues while his servants polished his silver sock suspenders. I didn't catch his name.

JAKE: (looks up abruptly) You went out on a date?

HELEN: There's no need for sarcasm, Daria

DARIA: There's always need for sarcasm.

HELEN: I realize you may feel jealous of Quinn's active social life, but that's no reason

DARIA: Jealous? I can eat salad and not listen to boys every day in the school cafeteria. Quinn's made it her purpose in life.

QUINN: At least I have one!

HELEN: Girls! Daria, I want to talk to you alone.

DARIA: (Looks at Jake, who's staring off into space, and Quinn, vacantly toying with her utensils.) Go ahead.

HELEN: After supper.

DARIA: Then may I be excused? I've lost my appetite.

DARIA: I mean it, Jane. Five minutes and then call me back, or I'll be trapped for hours while my mom tries to make me feel better about myself.

JANE: What's she doing home? I thought she usually works late on Friday. And every other day.

DARIA: She took the day off to go with Dad to the stress counselor. Besides, every six months or so, she decides to recommit her energies to her family. We're about due for another spurt of reckless attention from Mom.

JANE: Uh-oh. I suppose this attention usually focuses on

DARIA: Fixing me.

JANE: Need a wrench?

DARIA: Need a life?

JANE: Okay, okay. So what's broken?

DARIA: According to my mom, everything that isn't Quinn. Her therapist tells her not to compare us to each other, but you can just see it gnawing at her sanity: Why can't I have two chirpy, popular, idiotic children? What went wrong the first time?

JANE: Wow, you sound really upset about this. Well-- I mean, you don't actually sound upset. But since you haven't made a joke about it yet, I have to conclude that it really bothers you.

DARIA: It takes up valuable time that I might otherwise use to organize my spoon collection. (As deadpan as ever:) So in the name of all that's holy, whatever that may be, please Jane, call me back five minutes after I hang up.

JANE: Si, senorita.

HELEN: Daria!

DARIA: (to Jane) Gotta go.

JANE: Good luck.

DARIA: Come in.

HELEN: I hadn't noticed your poster, sweetie. What is that? An archeological dig?

DARIA: It's the skeleton of Dante being disinterred when he was moved from his pauper's grave in France to an honored tomb in Italy.

HELEN: I see.

DARIA: It's amazing how, throughout history, many of the most prominent thinkers have been outcast and exiled from their homelands. I was thinking I might get a head start and defect.

HELEN: (Obviously hasn't been listening.) Daria, there's no point in beating around the bush. I want you to see Dr. Walthrop.

DARIA: You want me to visit your therapist? Why? Do you want me to give her a few pointers?

HELEN: I'm serious, Daria. I'm worried about your negative attitude toward dating.

DARIA: I don't have a negative attitude toward dating. It keeps Quinn out of the house. I'm all for that.

HELEN: Yes, but why don't you ever go out on dates?

DARIA: I guess I just haven't met a guy with a nice enough car yet, Mom.

HELEN: Daria, you're such a smart, pretty girl. I'm sure there are plenty of boys who'd like to go out with you, if you had a more positive outlook. Why can't you give people a chance?

DARIA: Hello?

JANE: Big news, Daria! My brother's sitting in for the Slushpuppies' guitarist for their gig tomorrow night!

DARIA: Seriously?

JANE: Yes! Trent's down in the basement totally freaking out. You've gotta come over here and watch.

DARIA: I'm on my way.

DARIA: I gotta go, Mom. Jane's brother Trent has a big, uh, career opportunity, and he needs moral support.

HELEN: I didn't know Jane had a brother. How old is he?

DARIA: Nineteen or twenty, I think.

HELEN: You think? You spend an awful lot of time over there, Daria. You don't know how old he is?

DARIA: No. But I'm pretty sure his name is Trent, and he always wears this really cool silver thumb ring

HELEN: All right, you can go for now, but we're both going to see Dr. Walthrop, Monday evening at five.

DARIA: You know, I've been thinking of signing up to work on the school yearbook.

HELEN: That's nice, but we're still going.

DARIA: Gee, Mom, cheerleader tryouts are Monday evening. I'd sure hate to miss that shining opportunity.

HELEN: No deals, Daria. We're going.

DARIA: (After a pause) The law firm definitely doesn't pay you enough, Mom.

HELEN: No one could, sweetie. Have fun at Jane's.

JANE: Great! You're here! This is a historic occasion.

DARIA: What, that Trent got a gig?

JANE: Even better! Trent combed his hair!

DARIA: Ooh. I can barely contain the excitement.

JANE: I can tell you're thrilled. The corners of your mouth aren't turned down as much as usual.

DARIA: I take it that soothing melody is the superstar himself?

JANE: The one, the only. He's been memorizing the Slushpuppies' songs all day. So far, they all sound like "Stairway to Heaven" on acid.

DARIA: Isn't that redundant?

DARIA: So what happened to the Slushpuppies' usual guitarist?

JANE: Food poisoning. His girlfriend tried to cook for him. She didn't realize you're supposed to refrigerate eggs.

DARIA: Where are they playing?

JANE: Oscar's, in Garverton. It's kind of like a coffeehouse. You're going to come, right?

DARIA: Uh okay. How're we going to get to Garverton?

JANE: Hello! With Trent! Not that I trust him to drive to this thing. He'll probably panic and plow his car into a tree.

DARIA: Well, I'd hate to miss that. Why's he so nervous? Trent has his own band.

JANE: The Slushpuppies are pretty popular in Garverton. He's actually going to have to play for an audience that's not too busy hitting each other in the mosh pit to listen to the music. Hell, it's novel enough that he's going to be playing for an audience.

DARIA: I think I just lost a filling.

JANE: I think I just lost a tooth.

DARIA: I think Trent just lost a string.

TRENT: (from basement) AAAAAAAAAAAAGH!

JANE: I think Trent just lost his nerve.


JANE: Hey, Trent! That was your best riff yet! You should break strings more often.

TRENT: Thanks a lot, Janey. (He looks up.) Oh. Hey, Daria.

DARIA: It sounded good. You must've been playing pretty hard to lose a string.

TRENT: (Depressed.) I guess.

DARIA: Jane told me you've been asked to sit in with another band. Congratulations.

TRENT: (He looks at them both narrow-eyed for a moment, then shrugs.) I'm not so sure about this. I've been learning the Slushpuppies' songs all day, and I don't think I'm into it.

JANE: Yeahanything beyond three chords is just too limiting, right, Trent?

TRENT: I mean, I've heard them play and they're okay, but they have a million songs and they all sound pretty much the same. I don't think I can keep all this stuff straight in time for the gig tomorrow night.

DARIA: Even if you can't memorize all their stuff, you can probably fake it. Jane says all their songs sound like "Stairway to Heaven" anyway.

TRENT: (Perks up a bit.) Heyyeah, they do. Janey, do you remember where Dad keep his old Led Zeppelin albums?

JANE: Sure! I'll go get them.

DARIA: Ow!

TRENT: Huh?

DARIA: (Glaring at JANE, who's up the basement stairs.) Nothing.

TRENT: Were you and Janey planning on doing something tomorrow night?

DARIA: No. Why?

TRENT: Well, when I told her about the gig, she raced off to call you. I thought she might be cancelling something. It's okay if you two don't want to come. I mean, it's an hour's drive to Garverton, and Jesse's going along, so the car might be kind of crowded with four people and the equipment. It's no big deal.

DARIA: That's too bad. We were hoping you'd let us tag along. Personally, I can't get enough of "Stairway to Heaven".

TRENT: I guess we'll make sure there's room for you two in the car, then.

JANE: If you run out of space, we can always strap Daria to the luggage rack.

TRENT: Good idea. And Janey, you can ride in the trunk.

QUINN: so then he asked me to go to the ballet tonight! I'm definitely going to need to get a new dress next week. This will be the second time I've worn my black one on a date.

JAKE: A new dress? I thought you just went shopping last week!

QUINN: I've already worn that outfit, Daddy! It's practically useless now!

JAKE: One time and it's useless? Isn't there someplace you could rent all these clothes that you only use once?

DARIA: She can't do that, Dad. It would make too much sense.

HELEN: What about you, Daria, what do you have planned for tonight?

DARIA: Jane and I are going out to see a band. We'll be back by eleven.

JAKE: Quinn, you should be home by eleven too.

QUINN: But Daddy, we're going to the ballet!

DARIA: And she'll want to stick around afterwards and get a T-shirt.

HELEN: Well, any boy who's gentlemen enough to take you to the ballet is surely gentlemen enough to get you home on time.

QUINN: But what if he wants to take me someplace afterwards?

DARIA: Like a four-star hotel.

QUINN: Yeah!

JAKE: WHAT?!

QUINN: That's not what I meant!

JAKE: Quinn, I want you home by ten.

QUINN: But Daddy!!!

DARIA: (to Quinn) Shall we try for nine?

QUINN: OOUGH!!!

DARIA: (loudly) If that's Jane, tell her I'll be down in a minute!

TRENT: Hi. I'm here for Daria.

TRENT: Am I at the wrong house?

HELEN: Not at all! Daria will be down in a few minutes. Come in, sit down.

TRENT: Thanks.

PHONE: (Male voice) Quinn? Quinn, are you there?

QUINN: Matthew I'll have to call you back.

HELEN: (Practically grabbing TRENT's arm and dragging him to the chair in the LIVING ROOM) You must be

TRENT: Trent. Janey's my sister.

HELEN: Ah! I thought Daria was going out with Jane tonight.

TRENT: Janey's coming along too.

HELEN: Daria mentioned that you'd had a, ah, career opportunity recently. Congratulations.

TRENT: Thanks.

JAKE: (Trying to be "hip") What line are you in, my man?

TRENT: (With a smirk) I guess you'd say I'm in the entertainment industry.

HELEN: There're plenty of opportunities there! Can I get you something to drink, Trent?

TRENT: I'm okay.

JAKE: I don't want to seem square, dude, but we'd like Daria to be home by

HELEN: Midnight.

QUINN: What?!?

TRENT: No problem.

TRENT: You ready, Daria?

DARIA: Uh. Yeah.

TRENT: Well, come on, Cinderella, we've only got until midnight. See you, Mr. Morgendorffer. Mrs. Morgendorffer.

HELEN: Please! Helen, Jake. Have a good time, kids.

TRENT: Are those pod people your family, or your science project?

DARIA: Much as I hate to admit it, those are my kinfolk. Where's Jane?

TRENT: She's still getting ready. Told me to come on over and pick you up.

DARIA: (Grumbling) I bet she did.

TRENT: Hm?

DARIA: Uh I'm glad you did. What's this about coming home by midnight? My curfew's eleven.

TRENT: Your mom said midnight.

DARIA: (Realization dawns.) Uh-oh.

HELEN: So that's what's been going on.

JAKE: What's that, honey?

HELEN: Isn't it obvious? Daria must be dating that Trent boy. She's been trying to hide it from us because he's older than she is, and she didn't think we'd approve. He's probably in this band they're going to see.

QUINN: In a band?!

JAKE: I thought he said

HELEN: Really, Jake. The entertainment industry? Don't you remember telling my father something like that, back when you were trying to write music and start folk-singing?

JAKE: Yeah, I guess I did. (He smirks devilishly.) I sure pulled one over on the old easy chair that time Wait a minute! (Protective Dad emerges.) How old is this Trent character, anyway?

HELEN: Twenty.

JAKE: Twenty!

QUINN: (wails) Twenty!

HELEN: Relax, Jake. Daria's friend Jane is going with them. And Daria can take care of herself.

QUINN: How come Daria can go out with a twenty-year-old guy and stay out until midnight, and I can only date high-schoolers and I have to be home by ten?!?

HELEN: Quinn, there have been plenty of times when we've let you go out and Daria's stayed home. Don't begrudge your sister a chance to have a little fun.

QUINN: This is so unfair!

HELEN: Daria's proven she's responsible enough to handle a little additional freedom. Quinn, when you bring your grades up, we'll consider--

QUINN: You don't understand! If Daria's actually going out with an older guy who's a musician, she's dating someone cooler any of the guys who ask me out! And that would make Daria I can't even say it!

JAKE: Make Daria what, kiddo?

QUINN: (Anguished) That would make Daria cooler than me! I can't STAND it! What if someone found out? What if it got around school? Everyone would point at me in the streets and whisper, "Look, there goes that girl who isn't even as cool as her brainy, boring older sister!" I might as well just lay down and die!

QUINN: That's my date! Gotta go!


DARIA: Nice ensemble, Jane. No wonder it took you so long to put together.

JANE: Dress for success, that's what I always say. Seems like Trent's taken my advice to heart, too. What's this, big brother, not a hole or a tear to be seen?

TRENT: It's from the bottom of my closet. It's the only thing that was clean.

JANE: Sure about that?

TRENT: C'mon, we still have to pick up Jesse.

JESSE: Are you psyched about tonight, man?

TRENT: I've made my peace with the gods of music. I'm ready.

JESSE: So does that mean you've finally learned the open D tuning?

TRENT: You're disturbing my peace, man.

JANE: That's an arrestable offense. Daria! Get the cuffs.

TRENT: I gotta admit, I'm kind of weirded out.

JESSE: Yeah, it's gonna be strange to watch you up there playing with some other band.

JANE: It's gonna be strange to watch him playing.

DARIA: (Quietly, but dangerously) Don't worry, Jane, I'm sure you'll be too busy watching Jesse to notice anything amiss.

JANE: Defensive! Always a good sign.

TRENT: It's not just the gig. It's the whole day. Like, I actually woke up before noon.

JESSE: Whoa.

TRENT: Yeah. And like Daria's family.

DARIA: What about them?

TRENT: It's just freaky that you even have a family, Daria.



DARIA: Okay, I'll concede to that one.



TRENT: And they're so-- typical. Are you adopted?



DARIA: I can only hope.



JANE: Daria sprang fully formed from the froth of the ocean. She's just living with the Morgendorffers until her godhood kicks in.



TRENT: I thought the goddess of wisdom came out of someone's head.



DARIA: Right. Athena emerged from the skull of Zeus.



JANE: Sure. But Aphrodite came out of the sea.



DARIA gives JANE a look of death.

TRENT: Which goddess was she?

JANE: Goddess of

DARIA: Dolphin-safe tuna fish.

TRENT and JESSE laugh.

DARIA: (whispering to JANE) Lay off the yenta act. I've got enough trouble with that already.

JANE: What're you talking about?

DARIA: Later.

JANE: Great decorating. Early Bohemian Poverty.

DARIA: (Reacting to the menu) Three dollars for a cup of coffee? Bohemian poverty's too rich for me.

JANE: You can't be Bohemian. You're not wearing Birkenstocks. Anyway, you said you'd tell me what you meant about matchmaking later. It's later.

DARIA: My mom wanted me to see her therapist to find out why I'm not dating anyone.

JANE: Blame it on your toilet training. Shrinks eat that stuff up. Uh... so to speak.

DARIA: It gets worse. My curfew's supposed to be eleven. But Mom told Trent I can stay out til midnight.

JANE: How could she!

DARIA: Jane, she probably thinks I'm dating Trent.

JANE: You kind of are on a date with Trent.

DARIA: This isn't a date!

JANE: Daria, it's so close to being a date that you might as well just go ahead and call it a date. I consider it a date.

DARIA: Yeah, but Jesse actually knows you exist. And your mother isn't going to interrogate you about the situation with a truncheon and a rubber hose.

JANE: No, but with any luck maybe Jesse will

DARIA: What am I going to do? If I tell her I'm not dating Trent, I'll have to see her therapist, and they'll probably dissect my head to figure out why I'm not going out with him.

JANE: Option one sounds grim.

DARIA: If I lie to her and tell her I went out with Trent, I won't have to see her therapist. But I would have to make up a fictional history of dating Trent to satisfy Mom's curiosity. I'm not sure I could stand that, either.

JANE: It's like making a wish when you blow out the candles, right? If you tell someone what you wished for, it won't happen.

DARIA: Jane. Shut up or I'll kill you.

JANE: Touchy and defensive! Two whole emotions in one night. Shall we try for three?

DARIA: Next up, homicidal rage.

JANE: Promises, promises.

JESSE: Man, this is seriously strange. All these people just sitting around.

JANE: They're called an "audience", Jesse.

JESSE: Trent's gonna be way nervous when the show starts. I just hope he doesn't puke or anything. He's wearing my jeans.

JANE: How'd he end up in your jeans?

JESSE: Borrowed ëem. All his have holes. He was even thinking about maybe shaving.

JANE: Wow. He is nervous.

JESSE: I talked him out of it.

JANE: He's lucky to have a friend like you.

JESSE: Well, you know. All for one. Eyes on the prize and all. Trent's the one with the vision.

JANE: (to DARIA, with affection for JESSE evident.) The blind leading the tone-deaf.

DARIA: (waving away a cloud of smoke) Is there a no-smoking section anywhere in this place?

JANE: Not a chance.

FARLEY: Hi everybody. We're the Slushpuppies (more applause) and we're going to be playing some of our new stuff for you tonight. This first song is called "Planted by the Sun".

FARLEY: Cool! Let's jam.

FARLEY: Thanks everybody, you've been a great crowd. Hey, how about a hand for our guest guitarist. From Mystic Spiral in Lawndale: Trent Lane!

BLUE GIRL: Wow, he's totally cute.

GREEN GIRL: Utterly. I wouldn't mind making him breakfast.

RED GIRL: You go, girl. Gonna give him your number?

GREEN GIRL: Who's got a pen?

FARLEY: We're the Slushpuppies, good night!

JESSE: Time to help pack up. Hang tight.

JANE: We should have called it a date when we had the chance.

JANE: Uhm, are you okay?

DARIA: It's the smoke.

JANE: Hey. It's all right.

JANE: Come on. Let's go out to the car and get some air.

JANE: Okay now?

DARIA: (muffled) I'm allergic to that much cigarette smoke.

JANE: And you put up with it for the whole show? Wow. Now that's love.

DARIA: If I could breathe, I would hurt you.

TRENT: Comin' through. Jane, could you get the trunk?

DARIA: You dropped these.

TRENT: Hey Jesse, it's time for the ceremonial flame.

JESSE: Hang on, I got one too. (He digs in his pockets.)

TRENT: You don't have to sacrifice it. You weren't playing.

JESSE: Yeah, but she thought I was with the band.

JANE: What are you two talking about?

JESSE: We don't keep numbers from girls who just give them to us because we're in a band. It's Trent's idea.

TRENT: We're not just going to be another garage band that plays bars to get girls. Besides, if they're willing to give out their phone numbers to a total stranger who happens to play guitar, they're probably not the brightest bulbs on the Christmas tree.

JANE: Better get in the car, Daria, if you're allergic to smoke.

DARIA: This smoke I don't mind.

TRENT: (Mostly to DARIA) We've still got plenty of time before we need to get back to Lawndale. Wanna go out for some coffee that you don't have to buy by the ounce?

JESSE: (Mostly to JANE) Yeah, we can head over to Derry's and, y'know, hang out.

JANE: We're back in business.

QUINN: And then he fell asleep before the dancing even started! And after intermission, he started to snore! It was totally embarrassing.

HELEN: That's terrible, Quinn.

QUINN: But, I met like three other really good-looking guys while I was there, so I guess it wasn't a total loss.

HELEN: How about you, Daria?

DARIA: Hm?

HELEN: How was your date?

DARIA: It was okay.

QUINN: (to herself) Well, I'm sure there's something wrong with him. He can't possibly be that cool if he went out with her.

HELEN: I don't suppose we need to see Dr. Walthrop after all.

JAKE: We're very proud of you, honey.

DARIA: Admit it. I am adopted.