Cynic Wars: Episode VI Return of the Cynical by Matt Cast: Daria Skywalker: Daria Morgendorffer Trent Solo: Trent Lane Princess Quinn Morgana: Quinn Morgendorffer Darth Morgendorffer: Jake Morgendorffer Amy-Won Kenobi: Amy Barksdale Stacy-3PO: Stacy Rowe R-Ted-D-Ted: Ted Dewitt-Clinton ChewMacka: Michael Jordan Mackenzie Jesse Calrissian: Jesse Moreno Yo-Duh: Jane Lane Admiral Li: Angela Li General Landon: Jodie Landon Empress Rita Palpatine: Rita Barksdale Axl the Hut: Axl (From "Pierce Me") Mona Fett: Monique Chief Bennet: Diane Bennett Fuzzy Wuzzy Weebits: Diane Long, Invisigoth Gypsy, Canadibrit, Austin Covello, C.E. Foreman, Kara Wild, and Martin J. Pollard Galactic Spiral: Max Tylor and Nick Campbell (A blank screen is seen, suddenly words appear.) Not too long ago, in a galaxy in Matt's mind...................that's way, way out there (Words fade and are replaced with the title as "Star Wars" by John Williams plays) CYNIC WARS (Words scroll upwards, explaining the plot) EPISODE VI: RETURN OF THE CYNICAL Daria Skywalker has returned home to her home planet of Tatooine to rescue her crush, er, friend Trent Solo from the clutches of the alternative tattoo artist, Axl the Hut. Unbeknownst to Daria, but Knownst to us, the evil CONFORMIST EMPIRE has begun construction on a large armored space station known as the MALL OF THE MILLENNIUM, which can enslave a much more diverse group than the dreaded HIGH SCHOOL ever could..... Once completed, this galactic sized super store will use its monthly sales, designer clothing lines, and CD's of top 40's music to spell doom for the band of free thinking rebels struggling for freedom the galaxy.... (Words fade. Cut to a shot of the Endor orbit. We see a Star destroyer approaching a huge space station. A shuttle launches from the ship and heads toward the space station. The shuttle enters a docking bay and lands. Cut to a shot of a control room where an officer looks at one of his controllers) OFFICER: Inform the Admiral that Lord Morgendoffer's shuttle has arrived. CONTROLLER: Yes, sir! (Cut to a shot of the landing bay. Admiral Li enters As the doors open, she gasps. outside steps the seethingly resentful Darth Morgendorffer.) LI: Lord Morgendorffer, what an honor it is to have you here! JAKE: Yeah, yeah, big honor! Dammit! Why can't you people do anything on schedule?! LI: What do you mean? JAKE: You people fell behind, so now the Empress gets on MY case and makes me come all the way here to fix it! LI: I assure you, this mall will be opened on time! JAKE: If that were true, I wouldn't have been shipped out here! Now what's the problem?! (Li casually steps in front of some security equipment to block it from view.) LI: We ran into a small funding problem....Not to worry! With some more funding from the Imperial Treasury.... JAKE: Well, you can ask the Empress yourself for it when she gets here.... (Li gasps again) LI: The Empress is coming here?! JAKE: Yeah, she's gonna come here because she thinks I'll screw up! She says I can't do anything right! Dammit! (Grasps his mask over his eyes) GHAAAAA! (Darth Morgendoffer runs off in pain) LI: Looks like I'll have to come up with that money myself...... (Cut to a shot of Tatooine. Stacy-3PO and R-Ted-D-Ted approach a strange looking palace) STACY-3PO: Yeah, I'm scared! Aren't you? Jesse Calrisian and Chew-Macka never came back from this place! (R-Ted beeps) STACY-3PO: No we're not going to rescue them! We're just gonna deliver Quinn's cousin's message and go! (R-Ted beeps) STACY-3PO: You haven't heard half the things I have about this Axl the hut..... (R-Ted beeps) STACY-3PO: Well, I heard they paint people's bodies all over....and pierce people with metal and.....listen to grunge music! (R-Ted beeps nervously and shakes) (The two droids approach the palace) STACY-3PO: I guess we should knock.... (She knocks on the door. No response) STACY-3PO: Looks like nobody's here. Let's go back and tell Quinn's cousin! (A droid pops out of the door and gets right in Stacy-3PO's face) STACY-3PO: Eep! DROID: What are you?! A couple of narks?! STACY-3PO: Um, no! We just wanted to give Axl the Hut a message... DROID: Hmm.....(snickers) Ok....you can come in.....heh heh.. (The door opened and the droids enter) STACY-3PO: I've got a bad feeling about this..... (Cut to a shot of a lounge. Axl the Hut, Mona Fett, and a large group of headbangers are hanging out. "The beautiful people" by Marilyn Manson plays in the background.) STACY-3PO: (waves nervously) Hi..... AXL: What do (points at the droids) "they" want?! STACY-3PO: The message (elbows R-Ted) The message! (R-Ted projects a ten-foot holographic image of Daria Skywalker) DARIA: Greetings, O tattooed one. Allow me to introduce myself. I am Daria Skywalker, Cynic Knight, and friend of Trent Solo. Look, I know he stiffed you on a tattoo you gave him, and you're pissed off, so I was hoping you'd give an audience to bargain for him. (Axl laughs) DARIA: And just to show you I'm serious, I present you a gift....these two droids. STACY-3PO: WHAT?! (starts hyperventilating) DARIA: 3PO, you're a droid, droids don't breathe.....Anyway, aside from the "gum thing" and the "hyperventilating thing" These droids are pretty cool. AXL: Ha! I'll take the droids....but there won't be any bargain! (points to the wall) I like Trent exactly where he is..... (Stacy and R-Ted look over and see Trent Solo hanging against a wall. He is hanging so he looks like a human tattoo on the shoulder of a huge creature painted on the wall.) STACY-3PO: R-Ted look! It's Trent! And he's still frozen in carbonite! (Cut to the bowells of Axl's Tattoo palace. The droids are being led away.) STACY-3PO: What could have made Quinn's cousin give us away like that? Was it something I said?! Something I wore?! WAAAAAHHH! (R-Ted beeps) STACY-3PO: I am NOT a stupid, shallow, crybaby! (The droids enter a droid control room where the head droid is none other than Upchuck.) UPCHUCK: Well, well! New acquisitions! (looks at Stacy) And what's your name my golden goddess?! STACY-3PO: Eww!!!! UPCHUCK: Well, your name is not important, toots. As long as you're a protocol droid, you'll do. Guard! (A guard enters) This lovely droid might be useful. (Upchuck puts a restraining bolt on Stacy's breastplate) STACY-3PO: No! Not again! Get away! (Stacy smacks Upchuck) UPCHUCK: Grrrrrrrrrr! Feisty! Take her back up to his excellency's main audience chamber! STACY-3PO: Eww! Not the grunge place again! (R-Ted beeps) UPCHUCK: (Looks at R-Ted) Now what to do with you..... (Cut to a shot of the audience chamber. "One more time" by Britney Spears is playing. Probably because she is there performing it live. Axl and all the headbangers look extremely bored.) AXL: Verdict? HEADBANGERS: SHE SUCKS! (Britney Spears looks mortified) AXL: And what do we do with sellout musicians that suck? HEADBANGERS: FEED THEM TO THE BUTT-RANCHORS! AXL: Yeah! (Axl hits a button and Britney Spears falls into a pit. We cannot see the pit, but we hear an ominous, dark, and thick laughter......) UH HUH HUH HUH HEH HEH HEH, YEAH! (We hear Britney Spears screaming, a crunch, and then nothing. This prompts a mighty cheer from the headbanging crowd. The cheers are interrupted by a howling. We see a masked bounty hunter enter, dragging Chew-Macka) (The Bounty Hunter speaks in an incoherent language) AXL: Hey, Goldy! (Stacey enters) AXL: Tell this bounty hunter thanks for bringing us Trent's buddy and will pay the reward of 25-thousand! (Stacy translates. The bounty hunter answers) STACY-3PO: Fifty Thousand, no less. AXL: WHAT?! FIFTY THOUSAND FOR THAT HAIRBALL?! CHEWIE: You're one to talk. When was the last time you shaved?! AXL: Quiet! (Stacy Translates. The Bounty Hunter answers) STACY-3PO: He says if you don't he'll put on his "Hanson's Greatest hits CD!" (The headbangers cringe) AXL: All right.....thirty-five, but that's it. (Stacy translates. The Bounty Hunter lowers his CD player. The revelries continue well into the night. Cut to the audience chamber later that night. The bounty hunter enters the deserted hall and sneaks over to Trent. Taking a look around the hall to make sure no one is looking, he flips the decarbonization switch. Nothing happens.) BOUNTY HUNTER: What? He's not frozen in carbonite? (He checks Trent's pulse.) I didn't think he could hibernate naturally, oh well. (Retrieves a cup of Starbucks coffee) This should do it, then.... (The Bounty Hunter closes Trent's nose, opens his mouth, and force-feeds him the coffee. He steps away, after a moment, Trent stirs, then twitches, and slumps on the floor. The Bounty Hunter tries to help him up.) BOUNTY HUNTER: Just relax, for a moment.....you have hibernation sickness... TRENT: (shaking) I can't see... BOUNTY HUNTER: Try opening your eyes... (Trent opens his eyes) TRENT: Oh yeah....Where am I? BOUNTY HUNTER: Axl's Tattoo Palace. TRENT: (Looks at the masked Bounty Hunter) Um, who are you? (The Bounty Hunter removes his, or should I say her mask and reveals herself to be Princess Quinn Morgana) QUINN: Someone who hates you... TRENT: Daria's sister! QUINN: Ugh! I have a name! Come on, I have to get you out of here... TRENT: Why are you helping me? QUINN: Well, I saw this *really* cute outfit when I was out shopping, but I ran out of money. Daria said she'd give me the money for it if I got you out of here. TRENT: (smirking) Aww, that's sweet. I missed you, too.. (An ominous laughter is heard in the background) TRENT: Uh-oh... (A curtain draws to reveal Axl and his headbangers, along with Stacy-3PO have been watching the whole scene.) AXL: What a touching scene.... TRENT: Hey, Axl, I was just on my way to pay you back, but I sorta got distracted... AXL: Yeah, yeah, joined the Rebels, fought for freedom, blew up a high school, I've heard that one before. Take him away! (The guards lead Trent away. Leaving Quinn behind) AXL: 'ello, 'ello. Look what got left behind...(The headbangers snicker.) So, it's a new outfit you want is it? We'll give you a very nice outfit to wear. (Axl laughs perversely. His headbanging followers join in. Quinn looks mortified) (Cut to a shot of the dungeon. Trent is thrown inside.) CHEWIE: Look who's awake. TRENT: Chewie? Is that you? CHEWIE: ROOOOOOWWWRR! TRENT: What's goin on? CHEWIE: Nothing much. We all got captured, but Daria told me she had a plan to get us out. TRENT: Daria? How's she gonna save us? CHEWIE: ROOWWWWRR! TRENT: (arches an eyebrow) A Cynic Knight? That's pretty cool, but how's Daria gonna get us out of here with "Sarcasm"? (walks over to a cot. Well, nothing to do but hang out. Might as well get some shut-eye...(falls asleep) (Chewie just shakes his head) (Cut to a shot of the entrance to the Palace, the next morning. The doors open to reveal a robed figure. As some guards try to block the passage, we see that she is Daria Skywalker. She waves some cash at the guards and they let her through. As she approaches the audience chamber she is confronted by Axl's apprentice) APPRENTICE: You can't go in there. Axl said not to let you in. (Daria removes a huge load of cash and waves it in front of Axl's apprentice, Jedi style) DARIA: (waving the money) You will take me to Axl now... APPRENTICE: (hypnotized by the money) I will take you to Axl now.... DARIA: (smirking) You will now go and play in traffic.. APPRENTICE: (taking the money) I will go play in traffic... (Daria enters the audience chamber. Seeing all the sleeping headbangers, she decides to break the silence) DARIA: THIS IS A RAID! (The headbangers wake up and scatter in horror. All but Axl are fooled) AXL: The Sarcasm is strong with you....um.. DARIA: Daria Skywalker AXL: Right, the Cynic chick.... DARIA: Anyway, I came to buy off Trent's debt. (notices Quinn for the first time. She is wearing a leopard skin G-string bikini and is on a leash being held by Axl. Daria can't help but laugh...) Wow, Quinn. Looks like you won't need that other new outfit now.. QUINN: Shut up, Daria! DARIA: (Waves another wad of cash at Axl) You will bring Trent and the wookie to me... AXL: Your Sarcastic powers won't work on me... DARIA: Well, you can take this money or be killed in a thrilling battle between my friends and I and your lackeys with lots of dramatic music and loads of special effects... AXL: (looks at the button next to him and smiles) Hmm, looks like I have no choice. STACY-3PO: Oh my gosh! Quinn's cousin, you're standing on the... (Stacy is too late. Axl hits the button and our heroine plummets into the dark pit.) AXL: Looks like we have a "Misery Chick" on our hands.... HEADBANGERS: YEAH! AXL: What do we do with "Misery Chicks"? HEADBANGERS: FEED THEM TO THE BUTT-RANCHORS! (Cut to a shot of a pit under Axl's tattoo palace. Daria slides in and looks around. Suddenly, a huge metal door opens. We hear the same ominous laughter as before.) UH HUH HUH (A huge creature steps out from the darkness. It has four legs and a segmented body. as it comes into the light. We see its face. It's none other than the former pop culture icon Butt-Head) BUTT-HEAD: UH HUH HUH This is gonna be cool! (A second voice is heard. It is recognized as the other half of the duo of dorkdom, Beavis.) BEAVIS: HEH HEH HEH, YEAH! This is gonna rule! (The second creature emerges from the darkness and joins his counterpart. They look around and spot Daria.) BUTT-HEAD: (deep voice to emphasize his size) Uh huh huh huh! Whoa.....a chick. (Reaches for Daria) Hey, baby! BEAVIS: (equally 'giant' voice) I dunno, Butt-head. She's kinda flat.....heh heh heh DARIA: (self-coinciensly looks at her chest then picks up a rock and heaves it, nailing Beavis in the balls. Beavis falls over in pain) Hey, now you're flat too! (Daria runs and hides) BUTT-HEAD: You wussy! You got your ass kicked by a chick....uh huh huh huh... BEAVIS: Shut up, Butt-Head! Before I drop the smack down on your ass, bitch! BUTT-HEAD: Dammit, Beavis! How many times do I have to tell you, you're white! (Daria looks from her hiding place and spots the door leading out of the pit.) QUINN: God, not even Daria deserves this... (Daria rushes out. She points up at Quinn.) DARIA: Look guys....there's another chick in a bikini.... (The Butt-Rachors look up) DARIA: And she has BIG thingies.... BUTT-HEAD: (Spots Quinn) Whoa! BEAVIS: Yeah! Heh heh heh! QUINN: Eww!!! I changed my mind Daria deserves whatever they do to her! (Daria takes advantage of the distraction and runs for the door. However the door is jammed. Beavis and Butt-Head look around.) BEAVIS: Where'd that chick go? DAMMIT! I WAS GONNA SCORE! BUTT-HEAD: Uh huh huh...dumbass. Shut up before I kick your ass again.... BEAVIS: (in Cornholio voice) ARE YOU THREATENING ME?! BUTT-HEAD: Relax, fartknocker! She's right over there..... (Beavis and Butt-Head corner Daria. Daria notices they are standing under the big metal door they came out of.) BUTT-HEAD: This is it, Beavis, We're finally gonna score! BEAVIS: Yeah! Now we're gonna get some! (Daria's mind races, suddenly, a familiar voice is heard.) AMY-WON: Use...the...Sarcasm...Daria... (Daria looks up and sees the button to bring the door down. She smirks.) DARIA: (seductively) Oh, yeah. You guys are gonna score all right... BEAVIS: Whoa! Heh heh um heh DARIA: But you can't just score with a girl right off the bat...you have to push all the right buttons... BUTT-HEAD: Uh, OK...Which button do we push? Uh huh huh huh... DARIA: (Licks her lips) Mmmm....that one on the wall over there, silly! (points to the door release) (Without thinking, Butt-Head hits the button and the metal door falls down with great force. Crushing the Butt-Rachors. They struggle for a few seconds. Before they die, Daria approaches them, smirking.) DARIA: Was it as good for you as it was for me? (The Butt-Rachors perish, much to Axl and the headbanger's dismay) AXL: Bring me Solo and the wookie! We'll see how that "brain" thinks a way out of this one! (Cut to a shot of the hallway. Daria is being lead back upstairs. She meets Trent and Chewie on her way up.) DARIA: Trent! TRENT: Hey, Daria. CHEWIE: Rowwwr! DARIA: Are you OK, Trent?! TRENT: Yeah....Wish I had some coffee, though. CHEWIE: I'm fine, thanks for asking, Daria. DARIA: (smirks) No problem. (The three are led to Axl. Mona Fett looks on with a smirk) TRENT: Where's your sister? QUINN: Right here, duh! TRENT: Cute outfit.....(laughs and coughs) AXL: Goldy, tell them the good news.... STACY-3PO: Eep! Um, his supreme artisticness, Axl the Hut, has said you will die. TRENT: We're all gonna die... DARIA: I think she means very, very soon, Trent.... STACY-3PO: You will be taken to the New Kids pit... CHEWIE: Where? AXL: Ever wonder what happened to the "New Kids on the Block?" DARIA: No... AXL: They just seemed to drop off the face of the galaxy after their fifteen minutes of fame...but actually I had them thrown in a pit in the dessert. STACY-3PO: There will you be thrown into the pit and be forced to live out the rest of your lives listening to "The Right Stuff" CHEWIE: ROOOORRRWWWW!!!! TRENT: Not even YOU'RE that cruel, Axl! DARIA: You should have taken the money, Axl... (Axl laughs. Daria looks at Mona Fett) DARIA: And I'll see to you later... (Mona Fett joins in the laughter) (Cut to a shot of the Dune sea. A trio of sail barges fly by. Cut to a shot of inside one. We see R-Ted-D-Ted handing out drinks, joints, and bongs. Suddenly, his tray is spilled over when Stacy-3PO bumps into him) STACY-3PO: Eep! Oh, it's you, R-Ted. (R-Ted beeps) STACY-3PO: They're going to execute Quinn's cousin! Of course I'm jumpy! (R-Ted beeps again) STACY-3PO: What escape plan? (Cut to a shot of another barge. Daria, Trent, and Chewie are being guarded by a masked guard.) TRENT: Maybe I am blind...I can't see anything... DARIA: Your eyes are fine, Trent. This is a desert... TRENT: Oh, yeah... DARIA: Listen, stick close to Chewie and Jesse and we'll get out of this. TRENT: Jesse? He got caught, too? DARIA: Nevermind, Trent... (Cut to a shot of the main barge. Quinn has been looking on) QUINN: Ugh! I don't know what she sees in him... (Suddenly, Axl pulls Quinn close to him with a chain.) AXL: Say...you'd look pretty hot with a serpent tattooed on your chest...what do you say? QUINN: EWW! Do you have any idea what that paint stuff does to your skin?! (Cut to a shot of the New Kids' pit. The three barges arrive. The one with Daria and the others on it positions itself over the pit. Daria looks down, hearing some of the crappy 80's music coming from below, she looks away in disgust.) DARIA: (calling out) AXL! Because I'm such a pleasant and forgiving person, I'm going to give you one last chance. Let us go, or I'll kill you all with my new-found Cynic powers... (The headbangers laugh) AXL: Very funny, Misery Chick, now walk the plank... (The guard marches Daria out on the plank. Daria looks at the masked guard. We now see enough through his disguise to recognize him as Jesse Calrissian. He nods back. Daria then looks on the deck of Axl's barge, and nods at R-Ted. R-Ted responds by opening a small compartment in his head.) AXL: Throw her in! (The guard pushes Daria over the edge. Daria, however, grabs the plank, springs upwards, does a spectacular double flip. As she does, R-Ted launches an object into the air. Daria lands on the barge, catches the object and activates it. It is her new dark green lightsabre.) DARIA: I really need to get a stunt double.... (Daria proceeds to hack and slash through the guards that rush at her. At the same time, Jesse discards his disguise and starts shooting the guards on the other barges.) TRENT: Um, Daria... DARIA: What? (Trent and Chewie wave their handcuffs) CHEWIE: Would you mind? (Daria slashes their cuffs off with a lightsabre swing. Just then Mona Fett launches herself onto the platform. Daria glares at her. Mona glares back. Out of nowhere we hear a bell ring. Then Mills Lane from "Celebrity Deathmatch" appears on the screen,) MILLS LANE: (pumping his fist) Let's get it on! (Mills disappears as Daria and Mona start fighting. Meanwhile, more guards have arrived. Jesse blasts as many of them as he can, but is soon overwhelmed. One of the guards knocks Jesse over the railing and towards the pit, only by grabbing a rope as he falls prevents him from falling into the pit.) JESSE: (hears "The right stuff" being played) HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELP!!!!! TRENT: Sounds like Jesse.... (Trent and Chewie look over the pit) TRENT: Why should we help you after you sold us out? CHEWIE: Um, Trent...(hands Trent a copy of the script) TRENT: Damn script....OK, Chewie, lower me down.... (Meanwhile, Mona Fett uses a snare on her wrist to tie Daria up. Once bonded, she smirks and taunts her.) MONA: He doesn't want you, you know... DARIA: (shocked) What? MONA: You're too plain...why would Trent ever want a geek like you when he could have someone like me? DARIA: That's IT! (Daria rolls backwards, using the rope binding her to pull Mona Fett over the edge, sending her flying. Once she's airborne, Daria cuts herself free with her lightsabre.) (Cut to a shot of the pit. We see Trent lowering a laser rifle to Jesse. Suddenly, the barge is blasted, knocking Trent over the edge, Chewie grabs him when suddenly Mona Fett plops down next to Jesse.) MONA: Ahh! (Looks up at Trent) Trent! Help me! JESSE: Don't listen to her! She sold you to Axl! MONA: Shut up, dead beat! JESSE: Ugly skank... MONA: Good for nothing loser! TRENT: Chewie, which one do we help? CHEWIE: Script says we help Jesse.... TRENT: Sorry, Mona... (Trent lowers the rifle to Jesse. As he grabs it, a laser shot nearly blasts Mona, making her jump, when she does she falls into the pit.) MONA: AGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!!!! (Cut to a shot of the main barge. We see Daria blowing the smoke of a blaster barrel.) DARIA: (smirks) Oops....I missed.... (Cut to inside the main barge. Axl is shouting orders.) AXL: GET THAT MISERY CHICK!!!! (All the other headbangers are just lounging around, obviously stoned from all the joints R-Ted passed out earlier. Quinn seizes the opportunity for escape, by wrapping her chain around Axl's neck. With a look of pure rage in her eyes, she chokes Axl until he slumps over dead. Daria rushes in, preparing for a fight with Axl's forces, and is shocked to see what Quinn had done.) DARIA: Quinn?! I never thought you were the type to kill somebody... QUINN: Look at what he made me wear! ( regards her outfit) I mean Leopard skin is *so* 80's! DARIA: Let's get outta here. This place is gonna blow! QUINN: It is? Why? DARIA: I dunno, but every place we escape from explodes. QUINN: Oh, yeah....(looks worried) Where's Stacy and R-Ted?! DARIA: Hmm.... (Cut to the deck of the main barge. The Upchuck Droid is chasing Stacy-3PO, suddenly he hits a button Stacy freezes, the restraining bolt on her breastplate begins to blink.) UPCHUCK: I have you now, my little gold nugget... STACY-3PO: Eww! Gross! R-Ted, help! (Suddenly R-Ted appears and removes the restraining bolt. Once free, Stacy kicks Upchuck in the balls, sending him flying into the barge's main guns, triggering them.) UPCHUCK: (sparking and sputtering) F..f..feis...ty! (Upchuck falls still as, the barge starts to explode. Daria and Quinn arrive on deck.) DARIA: Told 'ya. This place is going up... STACY-3PO: Eep! What do we do?! DARIA: You three can do what you want, I'm leaving... (Just then Jesse pulls the other barge alongside and Daria jumps onto it. seeing the barge start to crumble, Quinn and the droids follow suit. Jesse hits the accelerator just as Axl's barge explodes.) TRENT: Whoa....Now I REALLY owe Axl....first the tattoo, now his barge... DARIA: Um, Trent. I don't think Axl needs the money now... CHEWIE: He was on the barge. TRENT: Cool. Now I can buy that new amp...excellent. (Cut to a shot of the Tatooine orbit. The Millennium Tank and Daria's X-Wing fighter streak by, after clearing orbit, they part ways.) DARIA: I'll meet up with you guys later. QUINN: Take your time. And when you do get back to the fleet, try not to embarrass me.... DARIA: (deadpan) I love you too, Quinn... TRENT: Thanks for getting me out of there, Daria. I owe you one... DARIA: (blushing) Um, uh, well buy me some pizza and we'll call it even. TRENT: No problem.....Hey, Jesse, got any money? (Daria shakes her head and turns off her communicator.. R-Ted beeps) DARIA: Yes, R-Ted, we're going to Degobah...besides are you THAT anxious to see 3-PO again? (R-Ted beeps) DARIA: (smirking) I didn't think so.... (Cut to a shot of the Mall of the Millennium. The entire Imperial fleet has gathered to welcome the Empress. Cut to a shot of the hangar bay. We see Darth Morgendorffer enter. As he walks he trips over his cape, falling to one knee, before he can get up, we see Empress Rita Palpatine approach him.) RITA: (casually) You may rise... JAKE: (confused) Um...the Mall of the Millennium will be completed on schedule.... RITA: I'm impressed, Lord Morgendorffer....I was sure you'd screw it up without me... (Jake growls) RITA: And now I sense you wish to continue your search for Daria Skywalker.... JAKE: Yeah... RITA: Don't worry about it....soon, she will seek you out. And when she does, bring her to me. She's stronger than I thought. (ominous music builds) Only together, can we turn her to the conformist side of the Sarcasm! JAKE: Yeah... RITA: Everything is going according to plan... JAKE: Yeah.... RITA: Are you even paying attention?! JAKE: Yipe! (Cut to a shot of Yo-Duh's hut on Degobah. She looks up from her painting) YO-DUH: Have a booger hanging out of my nose, do I? DARIA: Um, no! YO-DUH: Then why at me, do you stare? DARIA: Um.... YO-DUH: Nevermind....sleep, I must... DARIA: Oh, well, I'll come back tomorrow, then. YO-DUH: Sarcastic, I was being. Dying, am I. DARIA: What?! You can't die, master... YO-DUH: Strong am I with the sarcasm....but live forever, Cynics do not. DARIA: But what about the training? I came back to finish it. YO-DUH: Training, you do not need. Training, you never needed..... DARIA: Then I *am* a Cynic.... YO-DUH: (laughs, then coughs.) DARIA: Hmm, Trent does that a lot, could you two be related? YO-DUH: A cynic, you are not....yet. Morgendorffer, you must confront Morgendorffer.... DARIA: I already did that, when I rescued Quinn.... YO-DUH: Oh.... DARIA: Master Yo-Duh.....Is Darth Morgendorffer my father? YO-DUH: Umm.....5th amendment, I plead! DARIA: Come on, tell me. YO-DUH: Your father, he is.... (Daria looks crushed.) YO-DUH: Told you, did he? DARIA: Yep, even showed me a birth certificate.... YO-DUH: (coughs) Remember, a Cynic's strength flows from the Sarcasm....Remember, appearance, popularity, shallowness....the conformist side are they....once you start down the conformist path....(coughs) forever a Sellout will you be....Daria.... (Daria leans closer to hear Yo-Duh's fading voice) YO-DUH: There....is......ano....ther......Sky........walk.....er..... DARIA: Oh, you mean Quinn? I already know she's my sister. YO-DUH: (Sits up in bed) Know everything, do you?! I'll just die, then.... (Yo-Duh falls back in bed, still. After a moment, she fades.) (Cut to a shot of Daria's X-Wing fighter. R-Ted is making repairs.) DARIA: I have to stop making friends. They just end up dead.... AMY-WON: Just because they're dead, doesn't mean they're gone..... DARIA: Amy-Won! (The ghost of Amy-Won appears behind some trees, still naked.....) DARIA: I've got a bone to pick with you! AMY-WON: I'm a ghost, Daria. I don't have bones. DARIA: You lied to me. You told meMorgendorffer betrayed and murdered my father! AMY-WON: No I didn't. You *assumed* that's what happened. I never said that.... DARIA: Oh, yeah.... AMY-WON: Your father, was seduced by the Empress. He ceased to be the Cynic Knight Jake Skywalker and became the Sellout Darth Morgendorffer. DARIA: The empress seduced him...Ick. AMY-WON: I guess Jake has a thing for older women. DARIA: There is still Cynicism in him.... AMY-WON: I dunno, Daria. He's been the Empress's lackey for years now. Jake is a conformist now.... DARIA: How can I face him? AMY-WON: Well, you can run and hide like a wimp, or can accept the simple truth that you must face Darth Morgendoffer again... DARIA: I can't kill my own father....now matter how sick and twisted he is... AMY-WON: Well, then the Empress has already won..... DARIA: What? AMY-WON: You're the title character. If you don't fight, the bad guy wins... DARIA: Not necessarily. Jodie might be able to lead the Rebels over the Empire... AMY-WON: Uh huh. Or maybe the Empire will win, take the rebels and sell them into slavery....(Daria gasps) And what about Trent? They'll probably make him work a day job at the new Mall of the Millennium of theirs.... DARIA: Stop! Stop it! OK, I'll fight the guy! (Cut to a shot of the Rebel Fleet. All the rebels are in a meeting room. Trent is greeted by Jesse. TRENT: Hey, man. JESSE: Trent, look who I found! (Max and Nick enter) TRENT: Max! Nick! Where did you guys come from?! QUINN: You know these guys? TRENT: Yeah, we used to be in a band. Galactic Spiral.... MAX: We broke up a few years back. CHEWIE: Why? NICK: Trent couldn't come up with a new name..... (Jodie enters to describe their strategy. No one notices.) JODIE: Excuse me.....(Everyone is still talking.) EXCUSE ME! (No one listens) Quinn.... (Quinn stands up. Everyone looks at her.) QUINN: Could you guys like, listen to Jodie for awhile. I'd appreciate it and stuff.... (The room falls silent.) JODIE: The Empress doesn't think we'll attack now, so that's exactly what we'll do. The Imperial Fleet is scattered, trying to find us, so the Mall of the Millennium is practically unprotected. But most importantly, we know that the Empress is personally overseeing the final stages of construction.... (The crowd looks confused) JODIE: The Empress is IN the Mall, and we're going to attack.... (The crowd still looks confused) JODIE: THE leader of the *enemy* will be dead if we blow the mall up, so we'll *win* (A collective "Oh, yeah" is head) JODIE: You can see the Mall orbiting the Moon of Endor. Although the fleet is gone, the Mall does have a way to defend itself. A series of camera, motion sensors, and infrared laser tracking systems that Admiral Li had installed. The power source for this state-of-the-art security system is generated from the forest moon. (No one in the crowd has a clue what Jodie is talking about. Jodie hits a button and a hologram shows her plan.) JODIE: Since I know you people can't follow me without nice pretty pictures, I got this holograph machine to show you. (After a spectacular holographic show, Jodie speaks again) JODIE: So it's simple. General Calrissian has volunteered to lead the fighter attack. (Everyone looks at Jesse) NICK: Yeah! We're gonna blow them up! MAX: 'Cause we're criminales! JESSE: (not really paying attention) Yeah.... JODIE: We also have a stolen an Imperial shuttle. A strike team will land on the moon and deactivate the generator.... QUINN: That's like, dangerous, who'd volunteer to do that?! TRENT: I would.... QUINN: What?! TRENT: You don't wanna be anywhere near Max and Nick after awhile, they always fight. JODIE: Well, you can't go alone, General Solo. You need a team... CHEWIE: (raises his hand) ROOOORRRRWWW!! JODIE: Huh? CHEWIE: ROWWWRRR! TRENT: Huh? CHEWIE: I said I'll go! VO: What the hell...I'll go to. (Daria enters. Only Trent and Chewie notice.) DARIA: And Quinn will go to.... QUINN: Ha, ha, *cousin* I'm not going on some icky forest moon! DARIA: (whispers to Quinn) Oh yes you are. You wouldn't want these people to know the truth, would you...*sis* QUINN: UGH! All right, I'll go. TRENT: Um, Daria.... DARIA: Yes? TRENT: Why are you bringing your sister? DARIA: You know how on dangerous missions you need someone to walk point and take the fall in case it's a trap? TRENT: Yeah.... DARIA: That's why we're brining Quinn.... (Cut to a shot of the Rebel hangar bay. Trent and Jesse are walking towards the Millennium Tank) TRENT: Look, take the Tank, man. JESSE: All right. TRENT: Just be careful with it. I want it back just like you found it.... JESSE: Wait a minute....doesn't the Tank belong to Max? TRENT: Oh, yeah...Nevermind. (Trent boards the shuttle. Daria, Chewie, Quinn, and the droids are waiting for him. Trent stares off into space.) DARIA: Are you awake? TRENT: Yeah, I just got this weird vibe, like I'm not gonna see the Spiral again.... DARIA: Don't talk that way. Of course you will. TRENT: Yeah, hope I think of a new name before then.... (Daria shakes her head as the shuttle takes off, and heads for Endor.) (Cut to a shot of Rita's office inside the Mall of the Millennium. Darth Morgendorffer enters) RITA: I want you to send the fleet to the far side of Endor....There it will stay, until called for... (Darth Morgendorffer doesn't respond.) RITA: Will you put that damn newspaper down! JAKE: (startled) Yipe! Um, yeah! I'm listening! Send your feet to the far side of your rear end.... RITA: I have to get a new apprentice....(Smirks at the idea) JAKE: (looks up from the comics) What did you say? RITA: (chuckles) Nothing. (sounds serious) Soon the rebellion will be crushed and young Skywalker will be one of us! JAKE: But isn't she "one of them"? RITA: Ugh! Get out of here! Go to the command ship and wait for my orders! JAKE: Uh huh..... (Rita snatches the newspaper away. Jake turns to leave) JAKE: Boy, sometimes I just wanna pick her up and throw her down a reactor shaft and watch her explode! That would show her! RITA: What are you mumbling about?! JAKE: Uh, nothing! (Cut to a shot of the stolen Imperial shuttle approaching Endor.) TRENT: How are we supposed to get past that thing? DARIA: Just tell Li that we have some of the security equipment she ordered... QUINN: Like, how do you know she ordered some stuff like that? DARIA: This is Admiral Li we're talking about... QUINN: Oh, yeah. (Admiral Li's voice is heard on the communicator.) LI: What is your cargo and destination? QUINN: Like, we've got a bunch of.... (Cut to a shot of the Imperial command ship Admiral Li and Darth Morgendorffer are listening) TRENT: Shut up, Daria's sister!....Um, we have those new infrared sensors for the security system.... JAKE: Hmm....Daria's sister. LI: Who? JAKE: Nevermind....I'll deal with them myself. (mumbles) and show the Empress that I can handle those Rebels without messing up... (Cut to a shot of Endor. Daria and company exit the shuttle.) DARIA: OK, we have to shut off the power to the Mall's security system before Jodie and the others get here. TRENT: What about them? DARIA: Who? (Trent points to a pair of Imperial guards on speeders. Once spotted the take off.) TRENT: Won't they nark on us? QUINN: I'll get them! (Quinn hops on a speeder and starts it.) DARIA: Hey, wait! (Daria hops on just as Quinn takes off.) TRENT: Um, should we wait for 'em? (Chewie and the droids shrug) TRENT: (pulls out a deck of cards) Five-card draw, anyone? (The others nod, sit down, and Trent deals.) (Cut to a shot of the forest. The two Imperial troopers race buy, Quinn in hot pursuit. She expertly dodges all the trees, catching up with the troopers.) DARIA: When the hell did you learn how to drive a speeder? QUINN: God, Daria, what do you think people DO on dates?! DARIA: Shut up and pull alongside that one.... (Quinn pulls alongside one of the troopers. Daria waits for a moment, then jumps to the other speeder.) DARIA: This is where you get off.... (Daria flings the trooper off the speeder, taking over the controls. However, she doesn't pilot very well.) QUINN: Come on, Daria. Give it some gas! (Daria can't get the hang of it, though, soon her speeder is headed straight into a tree. Daria jumps clear just before impact.) QUINN: (looking back and seeing the explosion) Oh my God! Daria! My one and only sister is dead! I was so mean to her, I was ashamed of her, I called her my cousin...and now she's gone forever! (shrugs) Oh well... (Quinn catches up to the other trooper. The trooper pulls out a blaster and takes a few shots at Quinn. One shot knocks her helmet off, sending her hair flying in the wind) QUINN: (wailing) Ahhhhh! My hair! My beautiful hair! Now it's going to get messed up and tangled, and full of knots! (Quinn blasts away with her speeder's cannon. Blowing the trooper to smithereens) QUINN: That's for messing up my hair, making me cry, and ruining my mascara.....Oh yeah, and killing my sister and stuff..... (Quinn's speeder knocks, rumbles and stops.) QUINN: God! Now what's wrong?! (Quinn looks at the gas gauge. It says "E") QUINN: Ugh! What else can go wrong today?! (Cut to a shot of the shuttle. Trent, Chewie, and the droids are still playing poker.) CHEWIE: ROOOORRWWW! TRENT: You lost fair and square man, get over it.... STACY-3PO: I think he said that someone's coming.... (Daria enters) TRENT: Hey, Daria! You're OK. STACY-3PO: Where's Quinn? DARIA: We got separated. STACY-3PO: We have to look for her! She could get lost! TRENT: She might find her way back.... DARIA: Not likely, Quinn couldn't find her way out of a makeup kit.... (Our heroes go of in search of the wayward Quinn.) (Cut to a shot of Rita's office. Darth Morgendorffer enters) RITA: I thought I told you to remain on the command ship! Can't you even do that right?! JAKE: (grumbles) Some of the Rebels have landed on Endor...Daria is with them.... RITA: Are you sure? JAKE: Well, Trent Solo is with them, and Daria kind of has a thing for him, so I figured... RITA: (snidely) You mean you actually used your brain for once?! Excellent! You must go to Endor and wait for her! JAKE: Why I oughta....(grumbles) (Cut to the forest. Quinn is walking alone.) QUINN: OK, Quinn. Stay calm, you're not lost. now let's see. On a map, up is always north. (looks up) OK so east must be that way. (points in the direction of the setting sun) Ugh I need a rest.... (Quinn sits on a log. Suddenly from the bushes, a furry creature leaps out at Quinn) CREATURE: FUZZY WUZZY WUZZY!!!!! QUINN: Agh! W...What are you?! CREATURE: Fuzzy Wuzzy weebit! QUINN: Huh? (Quinn regards the creature) QUINN: You're kind of cute. What's your name? (the weebit doesn't respond) QUINN: (points to herself) Quinn.... WEEBIT: (points at Quinn) Quinn! QUINN: Wow, cute and smart. (points at the weebit) What's YOUR name? WEEBIT: (points to itself) Invisigoth Gypsy! QUINN: What kind of name is that?! IVG: Grrrrr...... QUINN: I'm like, lost or something. could you tell me where I am? IVG: Grrrrrr! (takes out a small red object) QUINN: Is that a tomato? IVG: 'MATER!!!!! (Hurls the 'mater at Quinn and splatters her) QUINN: EWWW! (Suddenly, a shot is fired at Quinn, she and the weebit dive under the log) TROOPER: Freeze! (Quinn gasps. Quinn surrenders. The trooper doesn't see the weebit. the weebit pulls out another 'mater. This one is pink.) IVG: Pink 'mater! (She plasters the trooper with this pink mater) TROOPER: (shakes his head) I'm sorry, my dear. Just tell me how I can make it up to you! Anything! I'll do whatever you say! (he embraces Quinn) QUINN: Eww! Get your hands off me! (Quinn grabs his blaster and smacks him with it, knocking him out.) Let's get out of here! IVG: Wuzzy Wuzzy! (points in another direction) Wuzzy fuzzy! (Quinn and the weebit walk off just as Daria, Trent, Chewie, and the droids enter) DARIA: QUINN!! STACY-3PO: Quinn, where are you?! TRENT: Qui.....Hmm, hey Daria, what's your sister's name again? (R-Ted beeps) STACY-3PO: What is it, R-Ted. Did you find something? (R-Ted anxiously goes over to a small stick. At the end of it is a pack of Juicy Fruit.) STACY-3PO: Will you get of this gum kick of yours? (R-Ted reaches for the gum) DARIA: R-Ted, don't! (Without warning, the five of them are scooped up into a giant net) DARIA: You know, R-Ted, if you were actually alive, I'd kill you! TRENT: Relax, Daria, I'll get us out of this.... DARIA: How? TRENT: Hold still.... (Trent feels his way inside the net to Daria's hips. Daria cheeks turn flame red immediately. A collective "oooh" is heard below.) STACY-3PO: What was that? (Trent now has both hands on Daria's hips, he begins to pull Daria closer.) DARIA: Trent...I didn't know that you... (Suddenly, Trent pulls away, Daria feels something being taken from her belt A collective "Aww" is heard.) TRENT:....knew how to use a lightsabre? DARIA: (disappointed) Uh, yeah....that's it. TRENT: Well, I saw you do it enough times....Hmm...let's see.... (Suddenly, Daria's lightsabre ignites in Trent's hand, slicing the net. Trent and the others fall with a 'thud') DARIA: Ugh....(takes the lightsabre away from Trent) I think *I* better hold on to this from now on.... (Suddenly, a group of Weebits emerge from the bushes.) DARIA: What the? CHEWIE: ROORWWW!!!! DARIA: Trent, we're in trouble....Trent? (Daria pokes Trent) TRENT: I wasn't asleep, boss, honest! huh? (looks around) What are these guys? WEEBITS: Fuzzy, Wuzzy, Wuzzy, fuzzy! (Suddenly, Stacy-3PO sits up, igniting a gasp from a group of Weebits. Soon they start bowing and chanting) STACY-3PO: Huh? Um, fuzzy fuzzy, Wuzzy fuzzy..... DARIA: Can you understand them? STACY-3PO: Sort of. It's hard to translate a language of only two words, but.... TRENT: What are you telling them? STACY-3PO: Not to throw those tomatoes at us.....(points at another group of Weebits, poised over Daria and Trent, preparing to throw pink 'maters....) DARIA: Why are they bowing at you? STACY-3PO: Hmm, I dunno, they seem to worship me.... CHEWIE: RORRRWWW!!!!! TRENT: Huh? STACY-3PO: You're right, Chew-Macka! Maybe they have seen Quinn! (to the Weebits) Wuzzy Wuzzy fuzzy Wuzzy Wuzzy? WEEBITS: Wuzzy Wuzzy! (Motions for Daria and the others to follow.) (Cut to a shot of a tree village. Daria and company are being let to a gathering platform. In the middle, a woman is sitting in a throne. She is recognized as Diane Bennet.) BENNET: Oh, more of those invaders! (to the Weebits) Fuzzy Fuzzy Wuzzy!!!!!! (The Weebits roar in approval) DARIA: What did she say? STACY-3PO: Eep! She ordered these little guys to kill you all! DARIA: We seem to be getting a lot of those requests this week. TRENT: (laughs and coughs) Good one, Daria..... (All but Stacy are tied up and are about to be burned at the stake when Quinn enters) QUINN: Daria?! DARIA: Quinn? QUINN: Wow! You're alive and stuff! TRENT: Not for long.... QUINN: Huh? DARIA: See those torches Quinn....they're about to burn us with them. QUINN: I'll save you! (To Stacy) 3PO, tell them to let my, um, cousin, and the others go.... STACY-3PO: Wuzzy fuzzy Wuzzy fuzzy! BENNET: I speak English..... STACY-3PO: Oh yeah..... QUINN: Why do you want to kill them?! BENNET: They're more people from that Empire who want t take over everything! QUINN: What? Please.....What would the empire want with a walking furball, a wannabe musician, and a misery chick?! DARIA, TRENT, and CHEWIE: Hey! BENNET: You're right! Let them go! (to the Weebits) Fuzzy Wuzzy Wuzzy! (The Weebits cut Daria, Trent, Chewie, and R-Ted loose then start bowing at Stacy again) TRENT: What is this place? BENNET: This is the village of the Fuzzy Wuzzy Weebits! Aren't they just so cute?! DARIA: (deadpan) Adorable..... BENNET: Dianne! Canadibrit! Invisigoth Gypsy! How many times have I told you NOT to use the pink 'maters on people?! (Daria and Trent turn around and notice three Weebits lowering some 'maters and start pouting) TRENT: They understand you? BENNET: Sort of. Those three always want to throw those things at unsuspecting couples..... DARIA: What about them? (she points to another group of Weebits worshipping Stacy) BENNET: Austin! Stop worshipping that droid, and stop making others worship her.... (Austin pouts and walks away.) DARIA: Hmm.....'maters. What are they? BENNET: I don't really know. They grow here. The Weebits use them for protection and such. TRENT: How? BENNET: Well, Most are red, and they just splatter people. But there are others. DARIA: Like? BENNET: Well, there are rare pink and gray ones. Pink ones seem to make people fall in love with each other.....Gray ones make them hate each other. TRENT: That's weird..... (Daria suddenly looks spooked and walks off.) (Cut to later that night. Stacy-3PO has just given the Weebits a 'fuzzy' version of their adventures so far. Afterwards Quinn heads outside and sees Daria alone.) QUINN: The party's in there, Daria.... DARIA: Quinn.....do you remember Mom....our real Mom? QUINN: Not really. Just a little bit. DARIA: What was she like? QUINN: I don't really know, she was a lawyer, so she was really busy, and she always fed me microwave lasagna, why? DARIA: Nothing, just making sure I didn't miss anything... QUINN: Ugh. you didn't...... DARIA: I have to leave, Quinn.... QUINN: Why? DARIA: Morgendorffer is here......on this moon. I have to face him. QUINN: Oh, I get it....(smirks) Are you leaving because you need to force a final showdown with the bad guy to become a full-fledged Cynic.....or do you just want to get away from Trent because you don't know how to tell him you want him? DARIA: Damn....you got me. QUINN: God, Daria. Don't you know anything. If you want a guy, you don't run away....for a "brain" you can be really stupid.... DARIA: Maybe you're right. But I still have to get away from these fuzzy Wuzzy whatevers.....before one of them hits me with one of those stupid pink 'maters! QUINN: Good point. (Daria starts to walk off.) DARIA: Um, Quinn. Don't tell Trent about this, OK? I'd appreciate it. QUINN: Hmm.....how much would you appreciate it.....500? DARIA: 300 QUINN: 400 DARIA: Done..... (Daria leaves. Trent enters) TRENT: Where's Daria? QUINN: Umm.....I can't tell you. TRENT: Why not? QUINN: Uh, um, it's a female thing. TRENT: Oog....(shudders and leaves) QUINN: Eww! Not THAT female thing..... (Cut to a landing platform. Darth Morgendorffer enters. Some troopers enter from the other end, leading Daria in cuffs.) JAKE: Good work, find her friends and bring them to me. (The troopers leave) JAKE: The Empress has been expecting you..... DARIA: I know.......Dad.... JAKE: So, you have accepted the truth..... DARIA: Well, I accepted the fact that you were once Jake Skywalker..... JAKE: Gahh! Don't call me that! I'm Darth Morgendorffer now! DARIA: I know you're this big sellout who does whatever the Empress says....(Jake grumbles) ...but I have this feeling that you won't sellout your own daughter. JAKE: (sighs) Amy-Won once thought as you do.....You don't know the POWER of the Conformist side! I MUST obey my master.... DARIA: Why? JAKE: She'll take away my Lexus if I don't..... DARIA: Thanks, Dad....I hope you and your Lexus will be happy.... (Some troopers enter and take Daria away, leaving Jake alone) (Cut to a shot of the Rebel fleet. The Millennium Tank leads the fleet.) JODIE: Prepare for light speed... JESSE: Yeah.... MAX: Those Imperial goons have been running things, but now they're messin' with the Spiral! JESSE: Yeah.... NICK: And when you mess with the Spiral, you're goin down! MAX: 'Cause we're Criminales! JESSE: Yeah.... JODIE: Are you guys going into light speed or not?! JESSE: Yeah.... (Jesse throws a lever and the Millennium Tank disappears, the rest of the fleet quickly follows.) (Cut to a shot of Endor. Trent, Chewie, Quinn, the droids, and some Fuzzy Wuzzy Weebits approach the entrance to the power generator.) TRENT: OK, we'll sneak in, use, these charges, and blow it up. That'll give Jesse a chance to take out the Mall.... (The others look at him in shock) TRENT: What? You were expecting me to fall asleep? QUINN: How do we get past the guards? AUSTIN: (bows to Stacy) Wuzzy Wuzzy! STACY-3PO: He says we should use this "pink 'Mater". TRENT: I dunno about these things..... C.E.: Fuzzy Fuzzy STACY-3PO: He says we should use the gray one.... TRENT: Yeah, let's use that one..... (Trent heaves the gray 'mater and splats one of the guards. Without warning the splattered guard starts blasting all his comrades. Soon, they're all dead.) TRENT: Not bad for a vegetable, there's only one left! (Chewie blasts the remaining guard with a crossbow shot, and the Rebels enter the power generator.) (Cut to a shot of Rita's office Darth Morgendoffer and Daria enter. The Empress regards them.) RITA: Welcome, young Skywalker.....I have been expecting you... (Daria doesn't respond) RITA: I look forward to completing your training....in time you will call me "master" DARIA: My pale white ass, I will.....you won't make me a spineless wimp like my father.... (Jake sneers) RITA: Oh, no, my young Cynic..... JAKE: Her lightsabre... RITA: Ay, yes....a Cynic's weapon....much like your father's. DARIA: Yeah, we all know how much alike green and red are.... RITA: The Sarcasm is quite strong with this one...but you must know by now that your father can never be turned from the Conformist side......so will it be with you.... DARIA: I think I'd rather die. And I think I will in few hours, along with everyone else in this Mall.... RITA: (laughs) Perhaps you refer to that pitiful Rebel Fleet's attack....Relax, we're safe from those misfits here! JAKE: It is pointless to resist, Daria...... RITA: Shut up! Here, read your precious newspaper....(flings a paper at Jake) It was *I* who allowed the Rebels to know the location of the power generator. It is quite safe from your attractive and popular younger sister and that grunge slacker.......an entire legion of my best troops awaits them! (Close-up on Daria's shocked face) RITA: Jake! I was kidding about the damn paper! JAKE: (looking up from his paper) Huh? (Cut to a shot of the power generator. Trent and the others blast their way in.) TRENT: (smirking) You feel lucky, punks?! CHEWIE: OK, Dirty Trent. Let's set the charges and go! (Cut to outside a group of Imperial troopers rush inside. The droids and Weebits watch) STACY-3PO: Eep! They'll get caught! AUSTIN and C.E.: Fuzzy Wuzzy Wuzzy! (They rush off) STACY-3PO: Wait! Come back! (Cut back to inside the generator Troopers enter) TROOPER: How about you, Rebel punk? Do YOU feel lucky. (Seeing they're outnumbered, Trent, Quinn, and Chewie surrender) TRENT: A joke is never as funny the second time you hear it..... (Cut to a shot of the Endor orbit, the Rebel fleet comes out of hyperspace) MAX: (gulps) THAT'S The Mall of the Millennium?! JESSE: Yeah... NICK: We're gonna attack THAT thing?! JESSE: Yeah. You guys aren't scared are you? I thought we were criminales.... MAX: Um, yeah we are.... JODIE: (over the communicator) Will you guys shut up! We don't know if the security system is off.... JESSE: Sure it is, Trent's down there...... (The others realize what Jesse just said.) JESSE: Uh-oh..... (Alarms all over the station sound as the approaching ships trip them. Soon the Imperial fleet attacks from the flanks.) (Cut to Rita's office, she points out the window.) RITA: See for yourself, Daria..... (Daria looks on as the fight unfolds) RITA: Soon your pitiful Rebellion will be finished. then the entire galaxy will shop here. Every one will conform to the same tastes in clothes, food, and music....and you will be my following apprentice.... DARIA: (horrified) No..... RITA: It is unavoidable.....it is your destiny.... DARIA: Uh huh, where's your crystal ball, Madame Rita? RITA: Smartass..... (Cut to a shot of Endor. Trent, Chewie and Quinn are surrounded by an entire legion of troops, speeders, and Imperial walkers.) QUINN: All this to capture five rebels?! TROOPER: Five?! (To the other troopers) Find the other two! TRENT: Nice going, Daria's sister! CHEWIE: Oh well, we couldn't really hope those two droids could rescue us, anyway.... STACY-3PO: (From far away) Hey! Were you guys looking for me?! TROOPER: There they are! Get them!!!! STACY-3PO: Well, here they come. You better hope this works, R-Ted. (R-Ted beeps) STACY-3PO: Because if it doesn't, you'll never have another piece of gum.... (The droids are surrounded.) BENNET: Now! (A huge group of Fuzzy Wuzzy Weebits, armed with 'Maters come out of hiding and start splattering the troopers. Taking advantage of the distraction, Trent and Chewie steal their weapons back and start blasting.) (Cut back to Rita's office) RITA: The Rebellion will die....there is no escape...my smartass apprentice.... DARIA: I'm not your apprentice.... RITA: Ahh, and what about your friends.....someone like you doesn't have many..... (Daria glares) RITA: And your crush....He'll die, too... (Daria is furious. Rita brushes Daria's lightsabre) RITA: You want this, don't you? Go ahead take it. (she offers Daria her lightsabre) Just strike me down right here..... DARIA: No... RITA: Chicken? (starts clucking) DARIA: THAT'S IT!!!!!(She takes her lightsabre and swings it at Rita. Jake ignites his lightsabre and blocks Daria's strike) RITA: You did exactly what I said....what a conformist you are! HA HA HA HA HA HA! (Cut back to Endor. Trent, Chewie, and Quinn are huddled at the door to the power generator.) QUINN: Like, we need that droid with the gum to open the door! (Quinn takes out a cell phone.) Stacy?! Yeah, we need you two over at the bunker! (Cut to a shot of the Endor orbit. The Millennium Tank is being pursued by a trio of fighters.) MAX: Mommy! JESSE: Some criminale you are..... (Jodie swings behind the fighters and picks them off.) JODIE: We can keep this up! We're getting slaughtered! JESSE: Yeah...but Trent will turn that security system off! JODIE: What makes you so sure! JESSE: I bet 20 bucks in the pool that he would! He better! JODIE: All right we'll give him some more time..... (Cut to Rita's office Daria and Darth Morgendoffer cross lightsabres) DARIA: Your shoe is untied..... (Darth Morgendorffer looks down, Daria takes advantage and knocks him down the stairs.) JAKE: Amy-Won has taught you well..... (Daria puts her lightsabre away.) DARIA: I can't fight you, Dad..... JAKE: I don't wanna fight you, either... RITA: Yeah, well I say you fight, you useless wimp! (Jake ignites his lightsabre and attacks Daria. Daria raises her lightsabre in defense and their battle continues) (Cut back to Endor. Two Weebits are running from an Imperial walker. They get blasted. Only one wakes up) MARTIN J: Fuzzy? (shakes his friend) Fuzzy?! FUZZY!!!!! BENNET: Don't be so overdramatic, Martin! come on! (R-Ted approaches the bunker and starts working on the door. Trent and Chewie cover him. Stacy is pulled away from the bunker by Austin) AUSTIN: (pointing at one of the walkers) Fuzzy Wuzzy fuzzy! STACY-3PO: You want me to pilot that big robot?! What do I look like, an Evangelion Pilot?! (Austin insists and he and Stacy sneak around it, climb it's legs, and enter the hatch.) TROOPER: What? Get them! (Austin plasters them with a pink 'mater) TROOPER 1: What can we do for you?! TROOPER 2: Ask us anything! STACY-3PO: Umm....could you jump out of this hatch for me? TROOPERS: Sure! (The troopers dive out the hatch, Stacy takes the controls.) STACY-3PO: OK....let's try this one! (The walker blasts a group of troopers. Stacy moves the droid around, blasting the Imperial troopers) (Cut back to the bunker. Trent, Quinn, R-Ted, and Chewie are surrendering to a trooper.....Without warning, Quinn pulls out a blaster from her shirt and blasts him.) TRENT: You had a gun all this time and you didn't help us fight?! QUINN: Well, I didn't wanna get all sweaty and stuff..... TRENT: I hate you..... QUINN: (smirking) I know.... (Suddenly a walker approaches them. A motorized voice speaks to them) VOICE: Hands up! (They raise their hands) VOICE: Turn around! (They do) VOICE: Now jump up and down and flap your arms like a chicken! TRENT: Huh? (The hatch opens and Stacy pops out of it.) STACY-3PO: I was just kidding you guys! QUINN: Stacy?! CHEWIE: What about the rest of the Imperial troops?! STACY-3PO: Oh, Ms. Bennet and those 'shipper' Weebits pasted them with pink 'maters, they won't wanna fight anymore today..... TRENT: We still need to get inside to turn off the security system.... STACY-3PO: Ooh! Ooh! I know how! (Stacy closes the hatch and the walker's cannons point at the doors. Trent, Chewie, Quinn, and R-Ted dive out of the way just before Stacy blasts the doors open) (Cut back to Rita's office. Darth Morgendorffer is looking for Daria) JAKE: You can't hide forever, Daria.....you'll have to go to the bathroom eventually..... DARIA: Damn! You got me there.....come on, Dad. Team up with me against the Empress....won't it feel good to think for yourself again? JAKE: Ahh....to think for myself.....I...I can't. (Jake swings at Daria.) (The two fight. Jake seems to wear down. Suddenly he grasps his chest and falls. Daria stands over him, holing her lightsabre to his neck) RITA: Good! Jake's become weak in his old age.....take his place at my side, Daria..... (Daria looks confused) RITA: You can rule an entire galaxy with me, Daria. Friends, cars, popularity, all yours if you put little Jakey out of his misery..... DARIA: At the cost of my identity......(Daria puts throws her lightsabre away) No thanks....You failed, Empress. I am a Cynic! RITA: (scowling) Have it your way.....Cynic Knight..... (Cut to the power generator. The Rebels and Weebits stand around.) TRENT: What do you mean you forgot the charges?! QUINN: Well, we needed room for my makeup kit, so I took them out..... TRENT: Great....now how do we stop this thing?! KARA: 'Maters! WEEBITS: 'Maters! Maters! Maters! (The Fuzzy Wuzzy Weebits throw countless 'maters into the machinery. It sparks and flares, then everything goes black.) (Cut to the Endor orbit. Jodie looks up and notices the Mall's security system shuts down) JODIE: The security system's off! All fighters attack! JESSE: Trent did it. MAX: Yeah! 'Cause he's one of the Spiral! NICK: And when you mess with the Spiral.... MAX and NICK: YOU'RE GOIN' DOWN!!!! JESSE: You guys owe me 20 bucks.... (Max and Nick fish some money out of their pockets.) (Cut back to Rita's office) RITA: If you will not be turned...... DARIA: .....I'll be destroyed? RITA: (smirking) A smartass to the end! (Rita his a button and an entire clothing line pops out and surrounds Daria) RITA: Tommy Hilfiger, Calvin Klien, Fubu.....everywhere you look. (Daria falls to the floor, screaming.) DARIA: No! Make it stop! RITA: Think of it, soon everyone in the galaxy will dress this way....everywhere you look, designer name clothing....everywhere! DARIA: (looks pleadingly at Jake) Father....please! (Darth Morgendorffer looks back and forth between Daria and Rita, obviously confused) RITA: 'Daddy' can't help you now, little girl! He never could. He's too weak to help anyone. He can't even look up from a newspaper for more than two seconds) JAKE: That's it! (He lifts Rita up, and acting out his fantasy, he throws her down the reactor shaft, after she falls, her body explodes) JAKE: Hell, yeah! DARIA: Easy there, Stone Cold..... JAKE: Daria, you're OK! DARIA: Now that I've burned those overpriced excuses for clothes, yes. Let's get out of here..... (Cut to the Mall's exterior. Jodie's X-Wing leads a group of Rebel fighters.) JODIE: OK, just like in the picture, guys.... (They fly inside, TIE fighters in hot pursuit. They blast some of the Rebel Fighters) JESSE: Hey! They weren't in the picture! JODIE: Nevermind.....Let's split up. (Jodie and the Millennium Tank go left, the other Rebels go right.) (Cut to the hangar bay. Daria is helping Jake to a shuttle.) JAKE: Daria.....I think my triple-bypass has caught up with me.... DARIA: I just went through all that to save you, and you think you're gonna die on me?! JAKE: Sorry....How about you take this mask off? DARIA: But you'll die.... JAKE: Nothing can stop that now......besides, I hate this mask, I only wore it because Rita said she couldn't stand my face.... (Daria nods and carefully removes Jake's mask. He looks the same as he always does. Once the mask is of he speaks normally for the first time.) JAKE: Now go, Daria..... DARIA: I can't leave you here, Dad... JAKE: It won't be so bad.....wherever I go from here.....I'll....get to....think for.....my self..... (Jake lies still. Tragic music plays. A tear rolls down Daria's cheek....Suddenly, the Mall shakes with an impact) DARIA: Oh, yeah. Forgot about this place blowing up...... (Cut to the reactor core of the Mall. Jodie's X-Wing and the Tank enter.) JODIE: There it is! (Jodie and Jesse fire torpedoes then turn back, the reactor explodes behind them.) JODIE: (into her communicator) Move the fleet away from the Mall! (Cut to the outside of the Mall, We see a shuttle escape just before the hangar blows. We see Daria is the pilot, she breathes a sigh of relief and speeds away. We see Jodie racing through the Mall, reaching the exit. We see a wall of lame engulfing a TIE fighter, gaining on the Millennium Tank.) MAX: Come on, Jesse! Can't you go any faster?! JESSE: What are you worried about? You said the Tank is "indestructible"! (The Tank makes it out just before the fire catches it) MAX and NICK: CRIMINALES!!!!! JESSE: Uh huh.....whatever..... (The Millennium Tank flies away, the Mall of the Millennium explodes behind it) (Cut to a shot of Endor. The explosion can be seen from there. The Fuzzy Wuzzy Weebits cheer wildly, as do the Rebels....except for Trent.) TRENT: You think Daria was on that thing when it blew? STACY-3PO: Who? TRENT: Nevermind..... (Cut to the forest moon Daria sets a pyre on fire. As she watches it burn, we see X-wings fly by, setting off fireworks.) DARIA: Well.....at least you were thinking for yourself at the end, Dad..... (Cut to the Weebits village. Everyone is partying, celebrating and congratulating each other. Except Trent, who is by himself. The rest of Galactic Spiral joins them) MAX: Told ya! Mess with the Spiral, and you go down! NICK: Yeah! Hey, Trent, what's wrong man?! The Spiral just kicked the Empire's ass! TRENT: Yeah, that's cool. You guys seen Daria? JESSE: No. (pats Trent on the shoulder) Don't worry man, she's a brain....she probably got out of there.... TRENT: (not convinced) Yeah..... (Daria enters) TRENT: Daria! Oh, man, you're OK! (Trent hugs daria. She blushes again) DARIA: Sorry I'm late, I had to uh....handle something. TRENT: Right, Female trouble, I hear you... DARIA: Huh? TRENT: Nevermind....Now that you're here, the party can begin! (Trent joins the party. Daria shrugs, something catches her eye. She turns and looks. She sees three ghosts. Completely naked, but partially hidden behind some trees to cover them. They are Amy-Won Kenobi, Yo-Duh, and Jake Skywalker.) AMY-WON: (Slapping Jake's butt) Nice buns, there Jakey..... JAKE: Dammit! Why didn't you tell me we were naked on this side?! YO-DUH: Thought it would be more fun for you to figure it out, we did! DARIA: (smirking) Well, well, if it isn't the Three naked stooges..... AMY-WON: Have your fun now, kid..... YO-DUH: Remeber all your naked jokes, we shall. AMY-WON: And when you do come to this side..... YO-DUH: Revenge we will have!!! DARIA: I guess so..... ANY-WON: But in the meantime.....learn to relax and enjoy yourself. Go join the party. (Daria nods and walks over to Trent. They start chatting as the ghosts watch them.) JAKE: You know....I think she kinda likes him.... YO-DUH: Figure that out yourself, did you? AMY-WON: At least he's he thought for himself....even if he is a little slow..... (Cut to Daria and Trent chatting) TRENT: Where did you go? DARIA: I was talking to three naked ghosts..... TRENT: (laughs and coughs) Good one, Daria. You're pretty funny. (Out of nowhere, Daria and Trent are splattered with pink 'maters) TRENT: Hey, what's this? (Looks at Daria) DARIA: Gross, I think.....(Looks at Trent) (Daria and Trent reach for each other, they are about to kiss when they are pasted again with gray 'maters. Dianne Long, Invisigoth Gypsy, and Canadibrit come out of the woodwork and start screaming. From the other end of the room, C.E., Austin, and Kara Wild enter, they start screaming at each other.) TRENT: What's their problem? (The Weebits start fighting.) TRENT: Well, we busted out of a gangster's clutches, took on the Empire, and blew up their mega-mall. What do we do now? IVG: Go to Disney World! DARIA: Huh? IVG: I mean, Fuzzy Wuzzy! (She resumes fighting the anti-shipper weebits) (Daria and Trent rejoin the party as the credits roll........) NOTES: 1) Done! Finally! Well, at least until 2002, when Episode II of 'STAR WARS' comes out, but I oughtta be well rested by then. 2) Credit is owed to Crazy Nutso whose 'Shipper Wars' inspired the big battle scene.