Cynic Wars: Episode V The Popular Strike Back by Matt Cast: Daria Skywalker: Daria Morgendorffer Trent Solo: Trent Lane Princess Quinn Morgana: Quinn Morgendorffer Darth Morgendorffer: Jake Morgendorffer Yo-Duh: Jane Lane Jesse Calrissian: Jesse Moreno Stacy-3PO: Stacy Rowe R-Ted-D-Ted: Ted Dewitt-Clinton ChewMacka: Michael Jordan Mackenzie General Landon: Jodie Landon Empress Rita Palpatine: Rita Barksdale Amy-Won Kenobi: Amy Barksdale Admiral Li: Angela Li Mona Fett: Monique (from "Pierce Me" and "Lane Miserables") (cut to a shot of a blank screen. words appear.) Not too long ago, in a galaxy in Matt's mind, that's way, way out there................... (Music: "Star Wars" by John Williams) CYNIC WARS (Words scroll upwards, explaining the plot.) Episode V: THE POPULAR STRIKE BACK The Rebellion's party sure didn't last long. Although the Imperial High School was destroyed, the Empire has driven the Rebels out of their secret base and across the galaxy. Thinking the Empire would never look for them on such a God-awful planet, a small group of rebels led by Daria Skywalker have established a new secret base on the remote ice planet of Hoth..................... The evil lord, Darth Morgendorffer, obsessed with finding the reckless bastards who trashed his fighter, has dispatched thousands of probes to locate them. (and he will, or this will make for a pretty short story......) (Words fade. Cut to a shot of the Hoth orbit. An object is seen streaking by.) (Cut to a shot of the Hoth surface. Two figures wearing heavy winter clothes are seen installing something in the snow. One of them tries to speak, but the words are muffled by the coat. The other removes her hood and reveals herself to be Daria Skywalker) DARIA: What did you say, Trent? Or should I start calling you "Kenny"? (muffled laughing and coughing is heard. The other figure removes his hood and reveals himself as Trent Solo.) TRENT: Good one, Daria. Just don't kill me............. DARIA: Do I look like a "bastard"? TRENT: (laughing and coughing again) No. Anyway, what I said was, what are these things we've been planting? DARIA: (sighs) For the tenth time Trent, they're sensors. They'll warn us if any ships come around. TRENT: Oh................why do we need to know that? DARIA: Trent, have you been paying attention? The Empire has been trying to kill us for the last three weeks. TRENT: Whoa! Why? DARIA: (deadpan) Because we blew up their High School, remember? TRENT: Oh, yeah. Serves them right for what they did to my guitar. DARIA: (sarcastically) I guess they never knew about that special kind of bond between a man and his instrument............. TRENT: (missing the sarcasm) Yeah.............had to teach 'em the hard way........... (both chuckle a bit) TRENT: How many more of those "sensor" things do we have to set up, anyway? DARIA: This is the last one, you can head back if you want. TRENT: Cool, thanks Daria. (Trent leaves as Daria tries to stop him. She's too late, however) DARIA: Wait! It was joke! (sighs) He's such a gentleman. (Daria installs the sensor and is about to follow Trent when she spots something falling to the ground.) DARIA: (thought VO) A meteor? A comet? An asteroid? Nah, if it was one of those, Bruce Willis would have blown it up before it got here. Better check it out. (Daria reaches for her communicator) DARIA: Trent? (Trent hears his communicator go off. It sounds exactly like his duckphone. He reaches for his quacking device and turns it on.) TRENT: Hello? DARIA: It's me. TRENT: Hey, Daria. DARIA: Um, hey. I'm gonna check out a meteor that hit near here. Don't wait up. TRENT: Meat? Cool, I'm kinda hungry. DARIA: No, Trent meteor! As in asteroid............. TRENT: Yeah, that game was pretty cool. I used to kick ass at it.............. DARIA: Nevermind, Trent. TRENT: Um, OK. Over and Under, Daria. (clicks the duck-com off.) DARIA: I'm sure you mean "over and out" (she mounts her taun-taun) God I hate these..... (Daria's words are cut off when she is struck from behind) (Cut to a shot of the Rebel base. Jodie is inside making sure things are running smoothly while Quinn babbles on the phone.) QUINN: Uh huh, that's cute! So is that. That is definitely cute! But what about......... JODIE: Quinn, could you keep it down please? QUINN: This is important! I'm talking to Stacy-3PO about what I should wear on my date tonight. JODIE: (angrily) Well, I guess that is more important than getting the sensors online and monitoring for Imperial warships............. QUINN: I thought you'd see it my way. (To the phone) Stacy? still there? (Trent enters) JODIE: Are all the sensors in place? TRENT: Yep. JODIE: Where's Daria? Wasn't she with you? TRENT: She went to go play "Asteroids"..........I think. JODIE: well, at least we'll be able to see the Empire coming if they spot us here. TRENT: I, uh, can't stay anymore. I gotta leave. (Quinn stops talking to Stacy and listens) JODIE: Are you sure? We could really use you, Solo. TRENT: Yeah, well. Axl the Hut put a price on my head. I better go pay him back. JODIE: I understand. Thanks for your help. TRENT: No problem. See ya. (Nods at Quinn) See ya around, Daria's sister. (Trent leaves into the hallway. In a huff, Quinn follows) QUINN: Trent! TRENT: What? QUINN: I told you, I have a name! TRENT: OK................. QUINN: I thought you were gonna stay, or whatever. TRENT: Well, now I'm not.............OK? What do you care, anyway? QUINN: Um........uh. TRENT: (smirking, looking to have a little fun with Quinn) You want me, huh? That's why you want me to stay, I'll bet............ QUINN: EWW!!!!!!!!!!!! (Quinn storms off) TRENT: (chuckling) Too bad Daria missed that one..........Hmm, where is Daria, anyway? (Cut to a shot of an ice cave. Daria is hanging upside down, her boots frozen in a block of ice.) DARIA: Mental note, ignore all future meteors. (reaches for her belt) That's funny, I could have sworn I left my lightsabre on my belt. (Daria looks around and spots her lightsabre in a snow patch, just out of her reach.) DARIA: (sighs) Let me guess, I'm supposed to concentrate, use the Sarcasm, and my lightsabre will magically fly into my hand..............well, not today. (Daria takes out the medal Quinn gave her, and uses the strap to pull her lightsabre to her. She cuts herself free just as the Hoth monster who struck approaches.) DARIA: (smirking) El Daria strikes again! (Daria carves a huge "D" in the monster's body with her lightsabre before running out of the cave. In the freezing cold blizzard, though, she doesn't get far, and soon she collapses.) (Cut to a shot of the Rebel base. Trent approaches the Millennium Tank where Chewie is working on some repairs.) CHEWIE: ROOOOOOOOWR! TRENT: Whoa, what are you so mad about? CHEWIE: You were supposed to help me fix this heap, where have you been? TRENT: Oh, looking for Daria. Seen her? CHEWIE: No. Ask her sister. TRENT: No way, man. I don't wanna talk to her. (Stacy-3PO and R-Ted enter.) TRENT: Hey, have you guys seen Daria? STACY: Um, who's Daria? TRENT: The one you came here with! The one who rescued her sister! (Stacy-3PO looks confused) TRENT: The chick with the glasses................. STACY: Oh, her! Nope haven't seen her........... TRENT: Hmm.......... (Montage sequence. First shot. Trent asking the three J's if they've seen Daria. Three J's look confused. Trent holds up a picture. Three J's shake their heads. Second shot. Trent asking a group of Rebels if they've seen Daria. They didn't even know that she was gone. Third shot Trent sleeping in a corridor. Chewie wakes him up. Fourth shot. Trent asking Jodie about Daria. Jodie just shoos him away, as she's too involved in her work to notice. end montage sequence.) TRENT: Man, no one knows where she is. CHEWIE: ROWWWWWWWWR! TRENT: You said it, man. They don't seem to care, either............ CHEWIE: Well, she's not here. So she must be out in that storm. TRENT: I'm goin out there after her. (Trent mounts a taun-taun) CHEWIE: It's too cold out there! TRENT: I know. But somehow I feel I have to be "manly" and go out into the storm and find her..............funny, that seems familiar somehow............ CHEWIE: Just promise you won't burst into song............ (Chewie shrugs and lets Trent go.) (Cut to a shot of the Hoth surface. Daria hears a haunting voice and wakes.) AMY-WON: Daria..................Daria...................... (Daria lifts her head slowly) AMY-WON: DARIA! wake up, you slacker! (Daria bolts upright and sees Amy-Won. The camera shows Amy-Won's face and shoulders. Her robe is missing) DARIA: Um...............Amy-Won? (Camera angle switches to show Amy-Won's back is to us. We see from her head to the small of her back and is clearly naked. From this angle we also see Daria's stunned expression.) DARIA: Um, why are you naked? AMY-WON: Because I'm a ghost. Clothes don't have spirits..............we're all naked on this side, Daria. (gets a lustful look on her face) Can't wait for Pierce Brosnan to die........ DARIA: (grossed out) Ick. Is there a reason you're haunting me with your nakedness? AMY-WON: oh, yeah! (gets the distant tone of voice again) you.......will...... go.......to.........the.......Degobah.......system.......... DARIA: Uh huh. Tell me what I'm supposed to do there........before my psychotic episode is over............... AMY-WON: There......you........will.........learn.........from........... Yo-Duh. The......Cynic.......master...........who.........instructed.......... me.......... DARIA: I thought Elli-Gon Jinn instructed you............ AMY-WON: (sounding normal again) Look, I just follow the script, OK. It's not my fault the plot is full of holes. (Sound of Trent's voice is heard, calling Daria.) AMY-WON: Well, sounds like help is here. (smirking) I better go, don't want your boyfriend to see me like this.............. DARIA: (glaring) He's NOT my boyfriend.................(passes out) (Amy-Won fades as Trent appears) TRENT: DARIA! (checks for a pulse.) You're alive..............cool. DARIA: (moaning) Actually, I'm freezing................ TRENT: (laughs and coughs again) Good one, Daria, hang on, I'll get us back to the base. (Cut to back at the base. Chewie stands at the shield doors, waiting for Trent.) JODIE: We have to close the shield doors. (To Chewie) What are you doing here? CHEWIE: Waiting for Trent and Daria. JODIE: Daria's missing? CHEWIE: Um, yeah. Trent told you before he went to look for her, remember? JODIE: (looking guilty) no. CHEWIE: ROOOOOOOWWWR! JODIE: (To stacey-3PO) What did he say? STACY: (To Jodie) He said that if you weren't so involved with everything and trying to run this whole place by yourself, you might have noticed they were missing. (To Quinn) And that if you weren't so obsessed with clothes and boys, you might have noticed your own sister was gone. (To the three J's) and if you were not such whipped puppy dogs you would have noticed too. (To all the rest) And if you all weren't such a bunch of ungrateful hypocrites, you would have gone out and found the people who saved your collective asses from High School. JODIE: (stunned) He said all that? CHEWIE: You can say a lot with a growl............... JODIE: All right, first thing tomorrow, we'll go out and find them. (The shield doors close. When they close all the way, Chewie lets out a loud howl) JODIE: What did he say this time? (Stacy-3PO begins to explain. But many of the words are X-rated and every other word is censored with a "bleep") (Cut to a shot of the next day. Jodie and the three J's are in snow speeders, out looking for Daria and Trent. After a few hours they lose hope and head back to the base. Jodie sorrowfully approaches Chewie.) JODIE: I'm sorry, we looked everywhere, but didn't find them. (Daria and Trent walk up behind Jodie.) DARIA: Probably because we're not out there. JODIE: Daria! Where were you? DARIA: Well, you didn't notice us when we were missing, so we didn't expect you to notice us when we came back. TRENT: We came in the back door............ JODIE: Oh..........(she walks off looking embarrassed.) DARIA: Um...............thanks for coming after me yesterday TRENT: Don't worry about it. I'm sure you'd do the same for me. Besides, I didn't wanna be stuck here with your sister...............anyway, did you find that comet thing you were looking for? DARIA: Um, no. Guess we'll never know what it is.............. (Cut to a shot of outside the base. A probe droid scans the entire base. Ominous music plays in the background) (Cut to a shot of the Imperial command ship. On the bridge, Darth Morgendorffer watches the fighters fly around. Lower, Admiral Li is getting reports from her men on leads the probe droids are sending.) LI: Hmm............Hoth? There's nothing there. Or at least there was nothing. (she approaches Darth Morgendorffer) Lord Morgendorffer? JAKE: (still watching the fighters, making cheesy sound effects.) NNNNEEEEEEEOOOOOOOWWWWW! BOOM! LI: LORD MORGENDORFFER! JAKE: (startled, jumps) Oh, what is it, Admiral? LI: I believe we may have found something. (They walk back to the computer display. They see the Rebel base.) LI: Hmm, could be smugglers. There are many uncharted settlements. (Image shows the Millennium Tank in one of the hangar bays. Jake recognizes it immediately.) JAKE: That's it! The rebels are there! I'm certain Skywalker is with them! Set your course for the Hoth system! (Li looks at him puzzled) LI: We shouldn't waste such resources on ONE teenage misfit my lord, why not........... JAKE: GAH! DAMMIT! I said set your course for the Hoth sy...........GAHHHHH! (grasps his mechanical eye) DAMMIT! (Cut to a shot of the Rebel base. Trent and Chewie are trying to fix the Tank. Quinn enters) QUINN: How far do you think you're gonna get in THAT heap? TRENT: (smirking) Aww, that's cute. Trying to keep me around a while longer, Daria's sister? (Quinn storms off just as Daria enters) DARIA: What did you do to her? TRENT: Nothing much. Just messing with her mind. DARIA: THAT doesn't sound too hard. (looks outside and notices the probe droid.) Uh, Trent. What's that? TRENT: I dunno, but it's been staring at me all day............... (Daria gets out her blaster and shoots the droid.) DARIA: Something tells me our little secret is out.............. TRENT: What secret? DARIA: (sighs) nevermind..............better tell Jodie about this. (Cut to a shot of Hoth's orbit. Dozens of Imperial warships are closing in. Cut to a shot of the rebel base where Jodie is discussing strategy.) JODIE: Now, what to do................ DARIA: I suppose scattering across space then meeting at a rendezvous point is out of the question............ (They all look at Daria, stunned) DARIA: Come on, you don't actually expect to win a battle against an entire fleet......... JODIE: Well, your plan might work, Daria. But we'd need some troops to stay behind to delay the stormtroopers. DARIA: Good luck finding guys for that.................that will be a suicide mission. (Quinn brightens) QUINN: Leave that to me. (To the troops) I need some of you guys to do a us teensy weensy favor............ (All the troops raise their hands and shout "Pick me"!) DARIA: (deadpan) Quinn's popularity is actually doing some good..................(mocking a meteorologist) And tonight, the temperature in hell will be a frigid 17 degrees............... (Soon all the assignments are given out as to who stays and who goes. Cut to a shot of Quinn who is being asked by every guy to ride with him in their transport.) QUINN: (blowing them all off.) Sorry, I said I'd go with Blake.............or maybe I'll go with Jason, tell you what, I'll put you on the waiting list......... (Cut to a shot of Daria and Jodie. They are boarding their X-wing fighters preparing to leave.) JODIE: (looks thoughtful) You know Daria, you should really get contacts or laser corrective surgery. Aren't those glasses a little inconvenient? DARIA: (glaring) There's nothing wrong with glasses. Contacts are an even bigger inconvenience, and there's something about letting a total stranger shoot me in the eyes with a laser that just doesn't sit well with me................. (Jodie just shakes her head and boards her fighter.) (Cut to a shot of the Rebel base. Darth Morgendorffer enters with a legion of stormtroopers, they head for the command center. "Darth Vadar's theme" from "Star Wars" plays as he enters) JAKE: Why does that music play whenever I go into a room? (The stormtroopers shrug.) (Cut to a shot of the command center. Quinn has just blown off the last transport captain. Trent enters.) TRENT: Um, why are you still here, Daria's sister? QUINN: Well, I couldn't go with John because his ship doesn't have a CD player, I couldn't go with Keith because he had this REALLY big zit on his forehead, Ick. And I couldn't go with..................... (Trent has fallen asleep) QUINN: Excuse me, it's bad enough you won't call me by my name but you could at least stay awake when someone attractive and popular is speaking to you............ (Trent awakes) TRENT: Oh, sorry...................that guy you just blew off had the last transport.............they're all gone. QUINN: (realization dawns) You mean I have to go with YOU?! TRENT: Um, who invited you? QUINN: UGH! TRENT: (sighs, speaking to Daria, even though she's away) You owe me, Daria.......... (Trent and Quinn leave and head towards the Millennium Tank. They encounter Stacy-3PO) STACY: (sobbing) Quinn, can I come with you? David said that I'm too much of a whiner and threw me off his transport........... TRENT: Where'd he get that idea? (Quinn and Stacy glare at him.) TRENT: All right, she can come. (speaking out again.) You REALLY owe me, Daria.......... (Cut to a shot of the hangar bay where Chewie is waiting for the others. They board the Tank.) TRENT: Fire it up! (Tank sputters. Trent glares at Chewie) I thought you fixed this thing.......... (Chewie responds by slamming a fist on the controls, the Tank sputters again and starts. Darth Morgendorffer enters the hangar bay just before the Tank takes off.) TRENT: Cool. (sees Morgendorffer outside the window) everyone wave to the nice evil lord.............. (The four of them flip the bird at Darth Morgendorffer as the Tank takes off and heads for space.) JAKE: GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! DAMMIT! (Cut to a shot of the Tank. Trent is laughing and having a coughing attack.) TRENT: Too bad Daria missed that one, too.............. (Cut to a shot of Daria's fighter. It is leaving the Hoth orbit. She sees the empty vastness of space before her. She hits a few buttons, laying in a new course. R-Ted overrides her.) DARIA: Um, R-Ted, what are you doing? (R-Ted beeps, Daria reads what he is saying on her computer) DARIA: Yes, I know. But we're not going to regroup with the others. (R-Ted beeps) DARIA: We're going to the Degobah system. (R-Ted beeps some more) DARIA: Would you believe me if I told you that a dead naked Cynic Knight visited me in a vision and told me to go there to be trained by the last Cynic in the galaxy? (R-Ted beeps) DARIA: Didn't think so, so let me plot this new course. (R-Ted beeps a refusal) DARIA: (smirking, retrieving a pak of gum from her flight jacket) Look, R-Ted.........gum........a whole pak.............all yours when we get to Degobah.......... (R-Ted beeps furiously and releases the auto pilot. Daria then regards how clear her path is.) DARIA: That's weird. I thought we were surrounded by an entire fleet of ships...........where'd they go? (Cut to a shot of the Millennium Tank leaving Hoth. The ENTIRE fleet is pursuing the Tank.) (Cut to a shot of the command ship. Admiral Li is regarding Morgendorffer's orders) LI: The ENTIRE fleet after one ship? What about all the other rebels? JAKE: DAMMIT! Those disrespectful punks flipped me off! I want that ship, dammit! (Cut to the bridge of the Millennium Tank. "One more time" by Britney Spears is playing) CHEWIE: (points at two inbound Star Destroyers) Trent, we got problems............ TRENT: (holding his ears) I'll say. Daria's sister keeps playing those stupid CD's! CHEWIE: ROOOOOOOOOWR! QUINN: (in a huff) Well, Bruce lets me play any CD I want................(takes out the CD) TRENT: I'm not Bruce.............. QUINN: I'll say. He at least combs his hair.............. (Trent turns around to yell at Quinn, when Chewie grabs his shoulder.) TRENT: What? CHEWIE: (pointing at the Star Destroyers) Are you gonna get out of their way? Or ram them? TRENT: Oh, yeah. (takes the wheel again and swerves out of the way.) Let's get outta here. (Trent throws the hyper drive switch. Sputtering sounds are heard, nothing happens) Uh-oh............. (A group of fighters closes in on the Tank and begins firing. The Tank shudders from an impact. Quinn gets splashed with her soda.) QUINN: EWW! STACY: I'll help you clean it up, Quinn............ (Chewie and Trent chuckle a bit.) CHEWIE: That felt like an asteroid........... TRENT: "Asteroids" I love that game........... CHEWIE: (pointing at the asteroid field) This isn't a game, Trent. TRENT: It's cool. (makes a fist) The Tank is indestructible! (The Millennium Tank enters the asteroid field, the fighters in hot pursuit. Since this is a fan fiction and not a movie, there's not too many special effects. Use your imagination. They fly around awhile until the fighters smash themselves on the asteroids.) CHEWIE: Wow! that was some great flying, Trent!..................Trent? (Trent has fallen asleep and apparently had been asleep through the whole chase. The other three look at him in awe................) TRENT: Huh? What did I miss? (notices a large cave in one of the giant asteroids) Let's land there and try to fix the hyper drive. (The Millennium Tank enters the cave) (Cut to a shot of the Degobah orbit. Daria's X-wing fighter streaks by) DARIA: For the last time, R-Ted, you get the gum when we land.............. (Daria's fighter enters the Degobah atmosphere, but she is blinded by a heavy fog.) DARIA: My instruments don't work, I can't see a thing, and I have no idea where to land. At least things can't get any worse............ (Daria's fighter lands in a marsh.) DARIA: I've got to stop saying that............... (Daria and R-Ted get out. R-Ted starts beeping.) DARIA: All right, here. (she takes the gum out of her pocket but accidentally drops it into the water.) Oops! Sorry, R-Ted. (without any warning, R-Ted jumps into the water after the gum.) DARIA: R-Ted! What are you doing? (R-Ted pops his head up and beeps) DARIA: If it means THAT much to you, I'll get more gum when we get out of here.......sheesh. (Daria swims to the shore and waits for R-Ted. But soon a large creature swims up from behind and snatches him. Daria looks on, stunned. after a moment, the creature spits R-Ted out, launching him high into the air. cut to a shot of Daria's face as it follows R-Ted's flight) DARIA: (deadpan) Look, up in the sky, It's a bird..............It's a plane............... (Daria shuts her eyes and cringes as she hears R-Ted's impact.) DARIA: No, it's just a vomited droid............... (Cut to a shot of the Imperial command ship. Darth Morgendorffer is on the bridge looking into the asteroid field.) JAKE: Ooh, you're out there somewhere..............flip me off, will you? We'll I'm just gonn.......... (Admiral Li enters, excited) LI: Lord Morgendorffer. The Empress herself wants to speak with you......this is so exciting. (He turns to leave.) LI: (calling after him) Ooh, and put in a good word for me! (goes back to her duty, bubbling) (Darth Morgendorffer enters a chamber an kneels. A huge holographic image of Empress Rita Palpatine appears.) JAKE: (grinning) Wussup? RITA: (angry) I thought I told you to call me "master"! JAKE: (cringing) sorry, master. RITA: That's better. Now............there is a great disturbance in the Sarcasm............ JAKE: The what? RITA: The Sarcasm, the source of our power............the reason we're running this galaxy now............ JAKE: (feigning understanding) Oh, THAT Sarcasm............what about it? RITA: I just told you! There is a disturbance in it! Don't you ever pay attention?! (sighs) We have a new enemy................Daria Skywalker. JAKE: Why does that name sound familiar? RITA: Because she's your daughter, you idiot! JAKE: Oh, yeah! Why is she our enemy? RITA: The Sarcasm is strong with her....................Daria Skywalker must not become a Cynic Knight.............. JAKE: She's just a kid.................Amy-Won can no longer help her. RITA: She could destroy us................ JAKE: But she's my daughter, couldn't she be on our side? RITA: (looking furious) You stupid............(anger fades) Yes.............if she could be turned, she would be a great asset................can it be done? JAKE: Sure, I'll just show her what a great place we have here, and she'll sign right up! (Cut to a shot of the Millennium Tank. Trent and the others are trying to figure out their next move.) TRENT: (looking at Stacy-3PO) You're a proto-somthing droid.......... STACY: Protocol. TRENT Right...........Chewie, plug her into the hyper drive. STACY: Eep! (Chewie leads Stacy-3PO away. The tank shudders under some kind of impact, and Quinn falls into Trent's lap. They look at each other stunned for a moment, then Trent smirks.) TRENT: You know, for someone who says she doesn't want me, you sure seem to be throwing yourself at me, Daria's sister............... QUINN: (getting up) Ooh! (Quinn leaves angrily. Trent sits there, smirking.) (Cut to a shot of Degobah. Daria has made camp and is retrieving some food out of her portable microwave.) DARIA: Ahh, lasagna...............breakfast of champions............(sighs) Well, now all I have to do is find this Yo-Duh..............sure, on foot, and an entire planet to search for him, this should be easy............. (An unknown voice, well unknown to Daria, but known to us as Yo-Duh speaks) YO-DUH: Yo! DARIA: (Turns and readies her blaster) Who are you? You were watching me......... YO-DUH: Duh! DARIA: Is there a reason you're here? YO-DUH: About to ask you the same thing, I was.............. DARIA: I'm looking for someone. YO-DUH: And found someone, you have (Daria smirks) DARIA: But I'm not looking for just anyone................I came here to find someone in particular. A friend of mine said I'd find him here. YO-DUH: "Him"? Certain it's a "him", are you? DARIA: (looks thoughtful for a moment) Um, yeah. YO-DUH: Help you, I can. DARIA: I don't think so................ (Yo-Duh walks up to Daria's stuff and something catches her eye.) YO-DUH: A good piece for my sculpture, this is.............. (Daria goes to take the tool back, Yo-Duh holds it away.) YO-DUH: Mine! Or I will help you, not! DARIA: First of all, I didn't ask for your help, Second, what gives you the right to take other people's stuff for some weird piece of art? And finally, why don't you just go and leave me alone? YO-DUH: No, stay and help you find your friend, I will DARIA: I'm not looking for a "friend", I'm looking for a Cynic master! YO-DUH: (brightens) Cynic master................Yo-Duh, you seek Yo-Duh DARIA: You know him? YO-DUH: Take you to "him", I will..................but first must eat.............come, good food! Better than that lasagna, it is! DARIA: (holding her stomach) ANYTHING is better than that lasagna........... (Cut to a shot of the Millennium Tank. Stacy-3PO is explaining to Trent and Chewie what's wrong.) STACY: Well, the negative-power flux cuppleing has been pulverized and needs to be replaced and the hyper drive motivator was damaged by laserfire............. (Trent and Chewie look at her, stunned) STACY: Well, that's what that computer thingy said.............. (Chewie starts fixing where Stacy indicates. Trent walks off to another part of the ship. He sees Quinn sitting there filing her nails. Trent sees a misplaces bolt in the hyper drive, but can't reach it. He quickly takes Quinn's nail file and uses it to knock the bolt into place) QUINN: Hey! TRENT: (gives the nail file back to Quinn) Relax, Daria's sister............ QUINN: Will you stop calling me that?! TRENT: Um....................no. QUINN: Ooh! (Trent chuckles) QUINN: What's so funny?! TRENT: I just can't figure out how someone like you can be sisters with Daria............all you care about is makeup and stuff............... QUINN: I don't have to listen to this from YOU! There are a ton of guys out there who would kill to go out with me............... TRENT: Yeah, well, I'm not one of them..............(starts to leave) QUINN: Wait............Trent, you never told me whether or not you thought I was cute........ TRENT: What's wrong? You miss all those guys throwing themselves at your feet just so you can blow them off? Forget it, Daria's sister. You won't see me doing that stuff....... QUINN: (shocked) You really don't want to go out with me? TRENT: (smirks) you DO want me, huh? (laughs and coughs) No, you don't..........you just want a challenge............well, I'm trying to fix this ship so we can get out of here. I don't have time for your schoolgirl games..............(leaves) (Stacy-3PO enters) STACY: What's wrong, Quinn? QUINN: Trent DOESN'T want to go out with me..................he blew me off.............that's never happened to me before..............(gets a look of horror) Am I losing my looks?! (cut to a shot of Yo-Duh's house on Degobah. She and Daria are eating pizza) DARIA: So, how do you get pizza delivery on a planet like this? YO-DUH: My little secret, it is............. DARIA: So, how far away is Yo-Duh? Where does he live? YO-DUH: (becoming annoyed) "He" doesn't live far...........why wish you become a Cynic? DARIA: Mostly because of my father. YO-DUH: Your father? Resentful Cynic, he was...............VERY resentful........... DARIA: That's nice, can we go see Yo-Duh now? I really need to see him. (Yo-duh sighs) YO-DUH: I cannot teach her...............she's not even open-minded enough to recognize a Cynic master to be a "she" (Amy-Won's voice is heard) AMY-WON: aww, come on. Honest mistake. YO-DUH: (acknowledging Amy-Won) Yo! (A look of realization comes across Daria's face) DARIA: Yo-Duh! YO-DUH: Duh................... DARIA: (deadpan) I should have guessed the first time you said those words............. YO-DUH: Ahh, snide...............like her father............. AMY-WON: Well under your expert teaching, Daria will be a great Cynic Knight........ YO-DUH: Get anywhere by kissing up, you will not.............. DARIA: Sorry about the sexism and all, but could you train me? (Yo-Duh thinks a moment) YO-DUH: Well, why not. Nothing on TV, there is.............. (Cut to a shot of the Millennium Tank. Chewie and Trent are wrapping up their repairs. Stacy-3PO approaches them.) STACY: Um, Crusty............ CHEWIE: Chewie........... STACY: I think there's something out there in the cave. TRENT: All right, Chewie. Let's check it out................... (Trent and Chewie exit the Tank and are mortified at what they see. Average people with nametags smile at them, offering pamphlets.) TRENT: Jehovah's witnesses! WITNESSES: Are you saved? TRENT: LET'S GET OUT OF HERE!!!!!!!!!!!!! CHEWIE: My God, even in deep space, on an asteroid, no one is safe from them! (Chewie and Trent rush back into the Tank and fire it up) STACY: Those fighters are still out there! TRENT: Who cares?! We HAVE to get out of here! (Stacy-3PO looks out the window and see there are more Jehovah's witnesses gathering around the Tank, trying to weigh it down............) WITNESSES: Join us! You too can be saved! STACY: Eep! QUINN: Mom always said there were no monsters.................no real ones, but there are....... TRENT: Save this, witnesses! (Trent fires the after burners and the Tank takes off) That was DAMN close................ (The Millennium Tank flies out of the cave and into deep space) (Cut to a shot of Degobah. Yo-Duh is watching Daria train and giving orders) YO-DUH: Yes, run! (Daria runs laps around her) Now, jump over that log and do an entire flip. (Surprisingly, Daria is able to do it.) Now jump up and down and flap your arms like a chicken! (Daria stops) DARIA: How is all this running around gonna help me become a Cynic Knight?! YO-DUH: There! Finished lesson #1, you have! Think for yourself. Blindly listen to others, you must not. That leads to the "conformist side" DARIA: Oh. YO-DUH: Popularity, enthusiasm, looks, the "conformist side", are they............ A Cynic Knight uses the sarcasm for knowledge and defense............and to make fun of others, but never to enhance popularity. Or consume you it will..................as it did Amy-Won's apprentice.............. DARIA: (glaring) Morgendorffer................so when will I be ready to take him on? YO-DUH: So certain it's a "him", are you? DARIA: Yes, that much I know............... (R-Ted beeps at Daria) DARIA: I told you, R-Ted, I don't have anymore gum. (Daria looks and sees her ship sinking in the marsh............) DARIA: Damn! How am I supposed to get the ship out now? YO-DUH: Paying attention today, were you? Use the sarcasm............ DARIA: Being sarcastic isn't going to help me move an entire ship.............. YO-DUH: (shaking her head) Powerful is the Sarcasm.................get your ship out, it can............ DARIA: Impossible............(walks off, leaving Yo-Duh shaking her head) (Yo-Duh retrieves a communicator and activates it.) YO-DUH: (imitating a New Yorker's voice) Degobah sanitation Department? yeah, I'm over here and there's a ship in my marsh! It's been there for days, if it's not out in the next few minutes, I'm gonna sue! (turns off the communicator and smirks) (After a few moments, a large hook from high above the fog lowers, hoists the ship up out of the marsh and puts it on the shore, the hook then rises from whence it came.) DARIA: I.............don't believe it...........where did that thing come from? YO-DUH: How do you think I got that pizza? (Cut to a shot of the Imperial command ship. Darth Morgendorffer addresses a group of bounty hunters. One of them being Mona Fett.) JAKE: There will be a substantial reward for the one who finds the Millennium Tank. Do whatever it takes, but I want them alive................ (Admiral Li approaches) LI: We have them! (Cut to a shot of a Star Destroyer chasing the Millennium Tank) QUINN: Those imperial guys are right behind us! TRENT: At least we're away from those "Jehovah's witnesses" (shudders) I got an idea.......... (Trent turns the Tank around and heads for the Star Destroyer. after passing the bridge The Imperial troops lose track of them. Cut to a shot of the Star Destroyers trash heap. In it rests the Millennium Tank.) QUINN: Hiding from the empire by going in their trash? TRENT: I saw it in a movie once................ (Cut to a shot of Degobah. Daria and Yo-Duh are sitting.) YO-DUH: Use the Sarcasm.................. (Daria closes her eyes.) YO-DUH: With the Sarcasm, things you will see..............things you truly want............things the way they really are............... (Daria opens her eyes, shocked.) DARIA: Trent? Quinn? I saw them................. YO-DUH: Friends, they are? DARIA: Well, Trent is.............Quinn is my stuck-up sister............ YO-DUH: What about them? DARIA: They were being chased by the Empire.............they're in trouble YO-DUH: Sucks, that does. But complete your training first, you must.............. (Daria nods) (Cut to a shot of the Star Destroyer and the Millennium Tank attached to it. Trent is planning their next move. Stacy-3PO is getting hysterical) STACY: Jehovah's witnesses! Star Destroyers! Hiding in the trash! (starts hyperventilating) (Quinn pulls one of her ponytails and switches her off) TRENT: Thanks, Daria's sister. We gotta find a place where we can fix this thing, and get a burger. I'm starving.............. (Trent flips a few switches. After awhile stops and smiles) TRENT: Oh yeah! Jesse! QUINN: Who? TRENT: Jesse Calrissian. We used to be in a band. He's cool. Some rich uncle of his ate it and left him a mine, or something............. QUINN: (perks up at the word "rich") Really. That's kind of, um, interesting. TRENT: Hmm...............Bespin.......kinda far. (makes a fist) But the Tank is indestructible. (The Star Destroyer dumps its trash, the Tank included, then goes into light speed. Once it's gone, the Tank starts up and heads towards Bespin. However, a 2nd ship follows. Cut to a shot of inside the ship, we see Mona Fett is piloting it.) (Cut to a shot of Degobah. Daria and R-Ted are preparing to leave) YO-DUH: Daria, you must complete the training! DARIA: Trent's my friend. And Quinn's............well, related. I'm sure there's some law that says I have to help her............. YO-DUH: You must not go................ DARIA: Lesson #1. Think for yourself, remember? YO-DUH: Taught you too good, I did................. (Amy-Won appears) AMY-WON: Leaving now means that you'll have to face Darth Morgendorffer.......... DARIA: I can do it. I feel mighty sarcastic. AMY-WON: But you cannot control the Sarcasm...............This is a dangerous time for you, when you will be tempted by the "conformist side". DARIA: OK, I'll just let my friends suffer, then. Good idea. AMY-WON: It is you the Empress wants, Daria. Your friends are just the bait. DARIA: (smirking) Well, let's not disappoint her..............(boards the fighter) Let's go, R-Ted. (Daria's fighter streaks into the sky. Yo-Duh turns to Amy-Won.) YO-DUH: Told you, I did.............AHH! Put some clothes on, you must! (Cut to a shot of Bespin. Trent lands the Millennium Tank as Jesse Calrissian goes to meet him) JESSE: Where the hell have you been? TRENT: Huh? JESSE: Dude, we sent you on a beer run two years ago........what took you so long? TRENT: Oh..............forgot. (reaches into his pocket and gives Jesse some money) I wondered what that money was for............. (The others get out of the Tank. Quinn spots Jesse in his leather pants and vest) QUINN: (beaming) Hi! I'm Princess Quinn Morgana! JESSE: Cool. STACY: I'm Stacy-3PO. JESSE: Cool. CHEWIE: ROOOOOOOORWWWW! JESSE: Cool. TRENT: Anyway, we need some help. Hyper drive's busted, can you help us out? JESSE: Sure. Let's go inside. (Cut to inside Cloud City) TRENT: So how did you get a place like this? JESSE: I dunno, I was at my uncle's funeral and some lawyers came up to me and told me he left me this place. Said my uncle didn't want the gas mine to become so successful that the Empire would notice, that he needed it to be small-time. In his will he said I was perfect for the job. TRENT: Whoa. Lucky............ JESSE: Yeah, there's this bunch of buys on a "board" or something. They do all the work and pay me all the money, it rules! (Quinn smiles flirtatiously at Jesse. Stacy follows close behind. Quinn becomes annoyed.) QUINN: Stacy, will you quit following me around?! (The others look at Quinn, astonished. Even Quinn is surprised at her outburst. With a whimper, Stacy-3PO runs off.) TRENT: Um, that was kinda................harsh, Daria's sister............ QUINN: (Already forgetting about her outburst, to Jesse.) Do you have a mall around here? JESSE:(pointing behind him with his thumb) That way............. QUINN: Do you think you could take me? JESSE: Um, no. (Quinn walks off by herself) TRENT: That outta keep Daria's sister busy awhile............... JESSE: Dude, who's Daria? TRENT: She's cool.................she blew up a high school awhile back......... JESSE: Cool. CHEWIE: (looking after Stacy-3PO) Shouldn't we go after 3PO? TRENT: You actually miss her? CHEWIE: Not really, but without Quinn, she'll be totally lost. TRENT: I gotta get some sleep. You can go after her if you want............. (Trent and Jesse exit. Chewie walks off after Stacy-3PO) (Cut to a shot of a corridor. Stacy-3PO enters) STACY: I don't follow Quinn around ALL the time.................besides, she always likes having me around to bring her things and say nice things to her and.............(she spots a few stormtroopers) Hey! Aren't you those Thunderstorm troops, or whatever? (The stormtroopers respond by shooting her. The stormtroopers casually throw her body parts into the trash and leave the corridor just as ChewMacka enters, looking around for Stacy-3PO) (Cut to a shot of Jesse's apartment. Quinn is trying on several outfits she got at the mall. Trent enters.) TRENT: The Tank's about fixed, we can get out of here soon. QUINN: Ugh! Tell them to take their time. Four guys at the mall asked me out. TRENT: Um, you're gonna have to cancel. We gotta go as soon as the Tank is fixed. QUINN: Why? It's not like we have to be anywhere important. TRENT: Actually, we have to meet up with Daria and the rest of those Rebel guys. QUINN: Who? TRENT: You know, the REBELS, the ones you're supposed to be leading against that Empress chick................ QUINN: Oh, THEM! Don't worry. I'm sure Jodie can manage for awhile without me. (To Stacy-3PO, doesn't remember she sent her away) Stacy, what do you think of this one?..................Stacy? TRENT: You told her to go away...............I think Chewie's out lookin' for her. QUINN: Oh, yeah. I didn't mean it, though. I just wish she'd get a life sometimes. TRENT: Um, how? She's a droid.............. (Chewie enters, carrying Stacy-3PO's body parts in a box) TRENT: Whoa! What happened to her? CHEWIE: ROOOOOOWWR! TRENT: In a pile of junk? QUINN: Crusty............... CHEWIE: Chewie! QUINN: Whatever. Can you fix her? CHEWIE: Why do *I* always have to fix everything? (Jesse enters) JESSE: Hey, you guys want some muchies? TRENT: Sure. CHEWIE: OK. QUINN: None for me, thanks, gotta watch those calories. Will they have any diet soda? JESSE: Um, sure. Let's go. (The group walks off towards a dining room.) TRENT: Hey, Jess. Do you ever worry that those Empire guys are gonna find out about this place and take over? JESSE: I used to, but not anymore. QUINN: Why not? JESSE: Because they took it over this morning. (Jesse opens the dining room door. On the other side, Darth Morgendorffer rises from a chair. Cut to a shot of Quinn and Chewie's stunned faces.) QUINN: Shoot him, or something, Trent! (They look over at Trent who is asleep) CHEWIE: ROOOOOOOWWWR! (Cut to a shot of a holding cell. Chewie, Quinn, and what's left of Stacy-3PO are thrown in. Quinn paces around, clearly out of her element. Out of pure boredom, Chewie begins working on Stacy-3PO, after tinkering awhile, he gets her talking) STACY: You know, Quinn. I don't always mean it when I say nice things about you, I don't like the way you treat me, and sometimes I don't even want to be around you! CHEWIE: (shaking his head) She's REALLY messed up. This is gonna take longer than I thought. (Cut to a shot of an operating room Trent is strapped to a table. The table is put upright. Darth Morgendorffer enters) JAKE: So, flip me off will you?! TRENT: Would it help if I said I was sorry? JAKE: Hmm....................No! Now, where is Daria Skywalker?! TRENT: I dunno. Haven't seen her since that "Ice" place. JAKE: Maybe THIS will make you talk................ TRENT: You gonna "torture" me or something? JAKE: Oh, yes! (A TV is flipped on, Darth Morgendorffer and his troops cover their ears. The music video "Backsteet's Back" by the Backstreet Boys begins blaring out of the TV.......right in front of Trent's face. A look of pure terror comes across Trent's face............then an uncharacteristic scream that can be heard throughout Cloud city.................Darth Morgendorffer exits, followed by Jesse and Mona Fett.) JAKE: You can take him to Axl the Hut, AFTER I get Skywalker. (Mona nods) JESSE: Man, nobody deserves that kinda torture.................top 40 music? (shudders) Umm, what about Chewie and that annoying chick? JAKE: They can never leave this city........... JESSE: Dude, that wasn't part of the deal! JAKE: Oh, then maybe you don't want the Empress to set up your record deal......... JESSE: (sighs) Cool. They stay here............ (Cut to a shot of the jail cell. Chewie has gotten Stacy 3-PO's arms back on and is still working on her.) STACY: (sniffs) Eww! I was in a junk pile?! CHEWIE: Well, at least she's sounding normal again.............. (Trent is thrown inside, delirious. He falls to the floor. Chewie and Quinn pick him up.) QUINN: Is he hurt? CHEWIE: No. He's like this a lot. TRENT: (holding his head) Backstreet Boys......N' Sync.....98 degrees..........MAKE THE EVIL BOY BANDS STOP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! CHEWIE: Those bastards............... QUINN: What do you mean? (closes her eyes, dreamily) They're so cute.............. (Jesse enters) CHEWIE: ROOOOOOOWWRR! STACY: Yeah! That's telling him! TRENT: Get outta here, Jess.............. JESSE: Sorry about all this, but the Empire's giving me a record deal for helping them....... TRENT: Et tu`, Jess? JESSE: Chewie and the chick will have to stay here......... QUINN: Excuse me, I have a name! TRENT: Yeah, Daria's sister............. QUINN: UGH! CHEWIE: What about Trent? JESSE: Darth Whatever is giving him to the bounty hunter............ QUINN: But doesn't he want us dead, or something? JESSE: He doesn't want you, he wants some chick..........um............I forget her name. She's that misery chick with glasses. TRENT: Daria?! JESSE: Yeah, that's it. He set a trap for her............ (Cut to a shot of a carbon freezing chamber.) JAKE: Neat! We can freeze Daria and ship her to the Empress. JESSE: Um, won't that uh, kill her? JAKE: Hmm........we'll have to test it, then. I know! We'll use that punk who flipped me off! (Cut to a shot of the Bespin orbit. Daria's fighter enters.) (R-Ted beeps) DARIA: Yeah, 3-PO's with them. Don't tell me you actually miss her............. (Cut back to the carbon freezing chamber. Trent, Quinn, and Chewie are lead inside.) TRENT: Um, what's going on? JESSE: They're gonna freeze you. (Mona Fett addresses Morgendorffer) MONA: What if he doesn't survive? He's worth a lot to me........... TRENT: Hey, Jess. Didn't she used to be in a band with us? JESSE: Yeah. TRENT: Mann.....everyone's selling me out today............ JAKE: Put him in! CHEWIE: ROOOORWWWW! (Chewie knocks around some of the guards. Finally, Trent calms him) TRENT: Relax, man. They'll be another time................Daria's sister, you have to take care of her................. QUINN: (furious) I HAVE A NAME!!!! TRENT: We know, Daria's sister.......... JAKE: Daria's sister..................that means......... (Quinn and Trent lock gazes as the stormtroopers place him on the platform.) QUINN: Ugh! I hate you! TRENT: (smirking) I know.............. (Trent is slowly lowered into the freezing chamber. Once he's out of sight. a huge amount of vapor rises from the chamber. The platform rises again. Trent is still, motionless. Darth Morgendorffer walks up to Trent.) JAKE: Ha! Not so smug NOW, are you?! (uses a finger to knock Trent over, he falls straight backward) Well, Calrissian.......did he survive? JESSE: (Checks Trent out) Yeah.........he's now in hibernation. JAKE: He's all yours, bounty hunter..............reset the chamber for Skywalker. QUINN: Who do you think you are?! Not even Trent deserves THAT. JAKE: Who am I, Quinn? (ominous music builds) I am your father! QUINN: EWWWWWWWWWW!!!!! JAKE: That's right, and it's past your bedtime, young lady. Calrissian, take her and the others to my ship. STACY: Hey! Why do I have to go? JAKE: (remembering he built Stacy-3PO in episode I) Because.................(same ominous music plays) I am your father! STACY: Eep! CHEWIE: And I suppose you're MY father, too.............. JAKE: Hmm.............I don't think so...............but you're going with them, anyway. (A stormtrooper enters) TROOPER: Skywalker has just landed, my lord. JAKE: Good. See to it she finds her way in here........... (Cut to a shot of a hallway, Daria and R-Ted enter. Daria looks around at the empty hallways.) DARIA: Somehow, I thought cities would have people walking around...........(sees a group led by Mona Fett, wheeling Trent along) Trent? He looks sleepier than usual..........(sees a 2nd group leading Jesse, Quinn, and Chewie with Stacy-3PO strapped to his back.) I'm gonna regret this, but............. (Daria starts blasting the guards surrounding Quinn and the others. Seeing his chance, Chewie grabs two guards and smashes their heads together. Once the guards are defeated, Daria joins them.) DARIA: What happened? QUINN: Oh, the shirtless wonder there sold us out to the Empire.......... (Chewie grabs Jesse and starts choking him) DARIA: Now now, screwy.......... CHEWIE: Chewie, dammit! DARIA: Right. Killing him is not gonna help us save Trent. Come on. (The group leaves, following the 1st group of stormtroopers. Soon they come to another hallway.) CHEWIE: Which way? DARIA: You guys go that way.............I'm going that way. QUINN: Alone? DARIA: (deadpan) Well I figured you didn't want to be seen with me............. QUINN: Good thinking, Daria............ (R-Ted beeps) DARIA: All right! Here! (Hands R-Ted some gum) (Daria heads down the hallway alone. At the end, she comes to the carbon freezing chamber. It is deserted, except for one ominous black figure...............you can guess who it is.) JAKE: The Sarcasm is strong with you, Daria......................but you are not a Cynic yet. DARIA: Guess I'll have to find a new dream................(ignites her lightsabre.) JAKE: Oh, you want a piece of me? (ignites his lightsabre) DARIA: (deadpan) Let's get ready to rumble.............. (They cross lightsabres as their epic battle begins) (Cut to Mona Fett's ship.) MONA: Put Trent in the cargo hold................ (Quinn an the others enter) QUINN: Stop! (points at Chewie) Or he'll shoot! CHEWIE: Huh? Why don't you shoot? QUINN: Not now, Crispy! CHEWIE: Chewie! JESSE: Um, guys? QUINN and CHEWIE: WHAT?! (Jesse points into the sky at Mona Fett's ship, which took off while Quinn and Chewie were arguing.) QUINN: Now what'll we do? JESSE: We'll go after them in the Tank. QUINN: The Tank?! JESSE: (makes a fist) It's indestructible! (Cut back to the carbon freezing chamber. Daria is fighting Darth Morgendorffer) DARIA: In my free time I enjoy candlelit dinners, long walks on the beach, and lightsabre fights with dark sellout lords............. JAKE: Ahh..........Amy-Won has taught you well............Hey, why do you wear those glasses? would contacts or laser surgery be better? DARIA: Why does everyone always ask me that? (All the while Darth Morgendorffer has been backing Daria towards the freezing chamber) JAKE: I will turn you to the conformist side...............Amy-Won knew this to be true......... DARIA: Um, no. (Takes one more step back, falls in the freezing chamber) JAKE: Wow! That was easy. (flips the freezing switch.) And the Empress says YOU could destroy her................. (Daria climbs out of the chamber, unfazed) JAKE: What?! But it worked before! Solo was in total hibernation! DARIA: Trent's narcoleptic. He's always in hibernation. (Kicks Darth Morgendorffer with her Doc martens, knocking him off the platform. Daria jumps down after him) (Cut to a shot of Quinn's group, running away from a group of stormtroopers, heading towards the Millennium Tank. Chewie is holding them off with his blaster.) CHEWIE We won't make it at this rate. We need a distraction! JESSE: (opening an intercom.) Um, the Empire has taken over.............they're gonna make up a bunch of rules and stuff..............REBEL! Rage against the machine! (hordes of people storm the halls, creating chaos) CHEWIE: That'll work, let's go! QUINN: Since we have some time now, can we go by Cashman's? CHEWIE: Sure................YOU can go wherever you want, but we're leaving.............. QUINN: OK (heads off towards Cashman's) Coming, Stacy? STACY: (thinks a moment) Um...................no, Quinn! Why should I go shopping with you? I'm a droid, I don't need clothes. Why don't you get some REAL friends to go shopping with?! Or did you blow them all off? (Quinn looks stunned and walks off dejectedly as Stacy did before) JESSE: Cool. CHEWIE: I think she needs some more work................ (Jesse, Chewie, and the droids head towards the landing platform.) (Cut to a shot of a catwalk in the center of Cloud City. Daria enters, looking around. Suddenly Darth Morgendorffer enters, lightsabre swinging. Daria ignites hers and defends herself.) JAKE: Kick me around, huh?! (swings violently at Daria.) I'll show you, dammit! DARIA: (deadpan) Keep this up, and I won't have to beat you, you'll give yourself a heart attack.................. JAKE: DAMMIT! (Darth Morgendorffer manages to get through Daria's defenses, he takes a level swing at Daria's head. Daria sways back, but too late. The impact misses her face, but knocks her glasses off her head and over the edge.) DARIA: Nooooooooooooo! (half blinded, Daria staggers around.) JAKE: Told you contacts would be better.....................Daria, you can destroy the Empress................join me.............. DARIA: Give me one good reason why I should............... JAKE: Amy-Won never told you what happened to your father............... DARIA: How could she? You killed her before she got the chance..............besides, she told me you killed him............. JAKE: No..................(ominous music builds yet again.) *I* am your father.............. DARIA: (sarcastic) Uh huh, and I suppose the Empress is my mother............... JAKE: I'm serious. (gets out a birth certificate) See? DARIA: Not without my glasses................(squints and looks at the birth certificate, then realizes the truth) NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!! JAKE: If you only knew the POWER of the conformist side..................join me..........we can have it all, friends, fame, popularity...............you'll never be known as the misery chick again.............(holds out a hand to help Daria up) Come with me............ (Daria looks at his hand..........then at the pit she could plunge down, she closes her eyes) DARIA: Well, I'm the title character, so I guess I can plunge down this pit and be OK. (she lets go and falls.....................) JAKE: GAH! DAMMIT! (We see Daria falling) DARIA: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!! (runs out of breath. takes in another breath) AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! (runs out of breath again) Damn, this is a long pit................ (Daria lands in a chute, she slides awhile before falling out a vent. She is inside a building of some sort, but without her glasses she can't see a thing.) DARIA: Um, I could use some help, Amy-Won.............. (no response) DARIA: Great.............(concentrates) Quinn.................. (Cut to a shot of Quinn at Cashman's. She suddenly looks up.) (Cut back to Daria) DARIA: Hear me...............Quinn............. (Cut to a shot of Quinn's face.) QUINN: Daria? (Cut back to Daria) DARIA: You mean it actually worked? You can hear me? (camera zooms out as we see Daria standing next to Quinn. Apparently the vent she fell through lead to Cashman's.) QUINN: Duh, you're standing right next to me............can't you see that? DARIA: Not without my glasses. I lost them. QUINN: Well, I'm done shopping, let's get out of here. (Quinn leads Daria out of the store) DARIA: Where are the others? QUINN: Oh, they left, they didn't want to wait. DARIA: Then how the hell are we supposed to get to the rendezvous with the other rebels? QUINN: Who? DARIA: Nevermind............... (Cut to a shot of the Millennium Tank. They appear to have made a clean getaway.) JESSE: Dude, aren't we missing someone? (Chewie and Jesse look back at the droids.) CHEWIE: Well, Quinn's not here, but I'm not missing her.......... JESSE: What about that other chick? The one with the glasses? CHEWIE: Daria?! (looks back, remembers she isn't with them) We have to go back........ STACY: Yeah, we have to back for Quinn. Ooh, I hope she didn't think I was serious when I said that stuff.......... (The Tank turns around and heads back for Cloud city.) (Cut to a shot of the landing platform. Quinn enters, leading Daria.) QUINN: THEY LEFT?! DARIA: you said they didn't want to wait............ QUINN: I didn't think they'd actually LEAVE without me..................hey, didn't you have a ship? DARIA: It's only a one-person fighter. you can't fly it, and I can't see........... (Just then The Millennium Tank returns. Quinn leads Daria on board) JESSE: You finally decided to join us, huh? (doesn't recognize Daria without her glasses) Who's she? Where's Daria? DARIA: um, It's me.......... JESSE: Whoa..........sorry. (The Millennium Tank takes off, but doesn't get away quite so easily this time. fighters are in hot pursuit. The Tank makes it into space) JESSE: Lets get out of here............ (Jesse throws the hyper drive switch. The Tank sputters, and nothing happens.) DARIA: Why am I not surprised...........? (Cut to a shot of the Imperial command ship. Admiral Li and Darth Morgendorffer are on the bridge.) JAKE: Did your men "fix" the hyper drive on the Millennium Tank? LI: Yes, we'll have them within moments. And I'll receive honor and accolades, and..... JAKE: yeah, yeah, prepare the boarding party, and set your weapons for "stun". (Cut back to the Tank. Chewie is feverishly working on the hyper drive. While R-Ted works on Stacy-3PO) STACY: Why can't we go to light speed? (R-Ted beeps) STACY: We can't? Why not? (R-Ted beeps) STACY: Oh how would you know the Empire sabotaged the hyper drive? (R-Ted beeps) STACY: You read the script? what script? (R-Ted goes over to a panel, inside a wire, severed is seen.) STACY: OK, how do we fix it? (R-Ted beeps, opens his compartment and takes out the gum he had been "chewing" and fuses the wire together.) STACY: You did it! (The Millennium Tank enters hyper space, much to the surprise of everyone on the Imperial command ship.) JAKE: GAAAAAAAAAAH!!!! DAMMIT! (his implants start sparking and smoking in his rage) LI: (furious) Whoever was in charge of sabotaging that ship is fired! JAKE: Weren't you in charge of that? LI: (nervous) Um, nevermind! (Cut to a shot of the rendezvous. All the Rebel ships have gathered there. Cut to a shot of the medical frieghter. Daria is getting fitted with some new glasses.) DARIA: (humming the first part of "Amazing Grace, then singing) Was blind, but now I see............... QUINN: You know, I really don't see why you need new glasses. You could get contacts or that laser treatment right here............. DARIA: Well, I don't see why you need to keep bugging me about it. (Jesse's voice is heard on a communicator.) JESSE: We're ready to go. DARIA: I'll meet you at the rendezvous point on Tatooine. JESSE: Cool. Don't worry, we'll find Trent. (The Millenium Tank takes off and heads into space. Daria, Quinn, and the droids watch it leave.) QUINN: I don't get it........... DARIA: Get what? QUINN: We're the good guys, why did we end up losing? DARIA: Don't worry, Quinn. It's not over yet. (looks into the camera) We still have one sequel left................ (Daria smirks as the credits roll.)