"CLEAR AND PRESENT DARIA" by The Insomnia Kid One line summary: A minor bust at Lawndale High leads to locker searches and suspensions as Ms Li takes up the War on Drugs. ACT I INT MORGENDORFFER HOME - MORNING Daria is at the computer. Enter Helen. HELEN: Daria, shouldn't you have gone to school by now? I need to use the computer. DARIA: Working from home? They're still fumigating your office? HELEN: *Yes*, they found another nest. And I like to work from home, now and then. DARIA: Your friend Eric took the last gas mask? HELEN: *Very* funny, Daria. INT ERIC'S OFFICE - MORNING Exterminators in full chemical-warfare gear are spraying nasty-looking stuff in all the corners. Eric is at the desk in a similar suit. The phone rings. Eric picks it up and can't hold it anywhere near his ear because of the helmet. ERIC: Hello? Hello! ... Dammit! INT MORGENDORFFER HOME - MORNING Daria gets up. Helen takes her place. DARIA: I suppose I could use the computers at school ... HELEN (staring at the monitor): *Great*, Daria. See you later. Exit Daria. Quinn calls from up the stairs. QUINN (off): Mom, I need to use the computer! There's a fashion club in Ulan Bator that has the latest wallpaper and I'm responsible for website updates! Even though I think *I* have to do it because *Sandi* wouldn't know how ... Mom? EXT JANE'S HOUSE - MORNING Daria walks up the drive and throught the front door. INT. JANE'S ROOM - MORNING Jane's sitting on the floor with her back against the bed. Daria's on the bed looking straight up. JANE: Why doesn't your mom just take a holiday? DARIA: Lawyers and sharks. If she stops swimming - JANE: She goes belly up. So you want to take off now, do this computer thing? I can hone my skills at Solitaire. DARIA: Why do they put that on computers? It's too inane to even be a job skill. INT JAKE'S OFFICE - MORNING Sweat pours down Jake's face as he stares at a Solitaire deck on his computer. JAKE: Ace of hearts, ace of hearts ... Dammit! Dammit dammit dammit! The Client standing at Jake's shoulder shakes his head. CLIENT: Good try, Mr Morgendorffer, but I'm afraid we'll have to take our business elsewhere. He picks up his case and leaves. Jake slumps in his chair. INT JANE'S ROOM - MORNING Daria is still staring straight up. JANE: ... Like what you see? DARIA: How did you even *do* that? JANE: New tubes of paint. You just squeeze 'em. I think I maybe got carried away. DARIA: I like the textures on that part. JANE: Lentil paste. Like I said, I got carried away. DARIA: You'll have to scrape it off before the fire ants take an interest and you wake up stripped to the bone. JANE: Already picked out a space in the yard. For my forthcoming biodegradable installation. DARIA: Biodegradable? JANE: David Lynch filled a clay head with turkey and cheese and photographed ants eating it. DARIA: Oh, well, if *normal* people do it ... Let's go. I need to update my pipe bomb recipe book. EXT. LAWNDALE HIGH - MORNING The students are crowded in clusters around a brand new eight foot tall fence being erected around the school. Two police cars are parked outside and two officers are leaning against them watching the fence go up. Daria and Jane arrive. JANE: Hmmm ... maybe somebody beat you to it. Brittany is standing at the fence twirling her hair around a finger and staring vacantly at the school. Daria and Jane walk up. DARIA: You're sure you don't see Jodie? JANE: We could ask Upchuck. DARIA ... Ah, hell. BRITTANY: Oh my *God*, Daria, isn't it *awful*? JANE: What is, Brittany? BRITTANY: You know! This *thing*! This whole *thing*! Daria rolls her eyes. JANE (aside, to Daria): We could ask Mr O'Neill ... DARIA: Brittany. *Brittany*. *What happened*? BRITTANY: I'll *tell* you what happened ... *Drugs*! *That's* what's happened! JANE (sarcastic): Wow. Someone found a soda bottle and a length of hosepipe and it's "1984"? BRITTANY (utterly blank): It's about eight forty five. Jane just stares. BRITTANY: Anyway, it's even *worse*! Students - well, a student was *selling* stuff at the *school*! Now we'll have drive by shootings and muggers and gangs and we won't be able to wear expensive *sneakers*! DARIA: Or even worse: an outbreak of white suburban bourgeois paranoia. JANE: ... Sneakers? DARIA: So who was it? BRITTANY: That *kid*! DARIA: *Brittany* - BRITTANY: No, I don't know his name! That senior. He had a lisp. DARIA: ... I actually know who you mean. JANE: Yeah. What was it, Brittany? Brittany leans close, whispers into Daria's ear. Then she sees something OS and doesn't remember to move her mouth. BRITTANY (yells into Daria's ear): KEVVY! Brittany sprints off screen. Daria sways on her feet and shakes her head. JANE: Kevvy? Well, he's not the best thing in the world for your *brain*, but ... Daria? DARIA: Do you know the cheerleader-induced-brain-trauma hotline number? JANE: Believe me, you're on hold forever. If it makes you feel better, her little fantasy world just got irrevocably shattered - DARIA: Until she gets distracted by something shiny. JANE: So ... Jane holds her head close in mock confidence. Daria shakes her head and whispers into her ear. JANE: Hmm ... it could have been worse. DARIA: True. But I'm not as worried about the problem ... The two turn as the front doors burst open and Ms Li emerges, megaphone in hand, at the head of a posse of security guards. DARIA: ... as the solution. END OF ACT I (No bogus commercials for me: in Australia the government network courteously cuts them out. Ha!) ACT II INT LAWNDALE HIGH - HALL - DAY Students are lined up in front of their lockers. A security guard walks past with an enormous growling dog. We track him past several new, huge banners - "HAPPINESS: WE'RE ALL IN IT TOGETHER", "FOR LOCKER SEARCH TIMES CONSULT YOUR HOMEROOM" - and noticeboards stapled with sheets of finely printed paper headed NEW MEASURES. We follow the guard past room 101 - the window filled with a sign: "NO UNAUTHORIZED ENTRY" - and comes to rest where Kevin and Mack watch him pass. KEVIN: Hey look, an attack doggie. Isn't that cool? MACK: ... Right. KEVIN: I dunno why *anyone* would do that stuff. I mean, winners don't *use* drugs. Andrea walks past them. ANDREA (doesn't break stride): Another victory for fascist pig marketing. KEVIN: Huh? ... What's she mean, M - MACK: Kevin - would you do me a favour? KEVIN: Uh huh? Mack is looking at a big security guard with a beer gut who is giving him the eyeball treatment. MACK: Don't call me "Mack Daddy" for a while, OK? Please? KEVIN: Uh ... sure, bro. Swish-pan down the row of lockers to where Mr DeMartino is going through them one by one. He opens skater-guy-with-eyebrow-ring's - it contains only a skateboard - and peers around inside. He shuts the door and turns to the next student in line - Upchuck. Mr DeMartino doesn't move. Upchuck looks like sleaze on legs. Ms Li walks up behind Mr DeMartino and coughs. Mr DeMartino doesn't turn around. MR DEMARTINO: Ms Li. I am an educator, not a FASCIST! thug. I consider this SEARCH a gross inVASION! of privacy, however I am caving in like a spineless WORM because unfortunately I need money to EAT. But I draw the line here. I will not look in this ... human's locker. UPCHUCK: Don't worry, Mr D. It's all legal, heh heh. MR DEMARTINO: Where, Charles? This state and AMSTERDAM?! MS LI: Mr DeMartino, you *will* inspect Charles' locker. No stone will be left unturned in our moooral - indeed, hmp, noble - quest to *purify* Llllllawndale High. Mr DeMartino steels himself. Upchuck grins. Mr DeMartino wrenches the locker door open, which blocks our view of him as he leans in. We hear him rustling papers, then he slams the door and leans against it as if he's afraid something will try to get out. MS LI: Well? Is he clean? MR DEMARTINO (unusually subdued): That's not quite the word I would use, but ... MS LI: Hmp. Move on! Ms Li strides out of frame. MR DEMARTINO: I'd worry about nightmares if it wasn't for the INSOMNIA. INT LAWNDALE HIGH - MRS BENNET'S CLASSROOM - DAY Mrs Bennet is standing at the blackboard, covered with the usual noughts, crosses and meaningless arrows. Half the class is missing. MRS BENNET: Now, class, I know things are a little crazy right now but let's see if we can pick up where we left off last week. We were learning about how economic activity continues until marginal cost equals marginal return. Now, can anyone give me an example of this principle *outside* the goods and services market? Daria raises her hand. Mrs Bennet looks uncomfortable, but no one else is volunteering. MRS BENNET: Daria? DARIA: Say the administration of, oh, I don't know, a high school, decides to put new security measures in place. For whatever reason. Mrs Bennett looks even more uncomfortable. MRS BENNETT: Yes, Daria? DARIA: Each additional security measure makes the students less additionally *safe* than the one before, while the cost is more avenues of freedom and personal expression being closed. And chained shut. Pretty soon you reach a point where all you're "protecting" are a bunch of shaven-headed human battery hens. Mrs Bennett gulps. MRS BENNETT: OK, class, enough discussion. Surprise test! The class groans. A ball of crumpled paper hits Daria on the back of the head, and she ducks an eraser. INT MORGENDORFFER HOME - DAY The family room has been totally rearranged into a passable imitation of Helen's office. We hear grunting offscreen and Helen appears dragging the couch against one wall. She makes a satistfied noise and as an afterthought takes a picture of the family from the wall and props it up on the desk. INT LAWNDALE HIGH - MS LI'S OFFICE - AFTERNOON Ms Li is at her desk. Daria is in the hot seat. MS LI: *Ms* Morgendorffer. I take it you know the reason you are here today? DARIA: Ten-thousand-mile service for my mind control implant? MS LI: Now, that is a ridiiiiiculous suggestion. And technologically unfeasible at the present time, apparently. (She picks up a piece of paper from her desk) I have in my hand a test paper you submitted to Mrs Bennett. DARIA: Shouldn't Mrs Bennett be here, then? MS LI: That won't be necessary. In response to the question, "Create a simple game theory problem using a real life situation", you wrote - perhaps you'd like to, hmp, read it. She hands it to Daria. DARIA: Can't I wait for the movie to come out? ... On video? MS LI: Out *loud*, Ms Morgendorffer. Daria sighs. DARIA (deadpan as usual): "Monster and Knuckles are successful crack barons. They find the scumbag who ripped off their 'base but if only one of them caps him, he faces ..." MS LI: I don't think you need to go on. DARIA: It said a real life situation. It didn't say a "nice one with bunnies". MS LI: Ms Morgendorffer, I am aware of your, hmp, penchant for flippancy - She exaggerates the French accent on the word. MS LI: - but Mrs Bennet also tells me you *questioned* official security policy of Lllawndale - DARIA: I just think this gulag you're setting up is totally out of proportion with the issue. MS LI: Really. DARIA: If students want to destroy their brains, they'll find a way. Fences and Irish Wolfhounds might make everything *look* nice and tidy but it's just driving the problem underground. You *could* try to talk to students instead of implicitly blaming them for something most of them didn't even *know* about by ransacking their personal - MS LI: Two days' suspension. DARIA (unsurprised): - right. Daria gets up and leaves. MS LI (to intercom): Send in Charles Ruttheimer and the therapist. END OF ACT II ACT III INT MORGENDORFFER HOUSE - DARIA'S ROOM - EVENING Daria is on the bed talking to Jane on the phone via a split screen. DARIA: ... So my parents are going to kill me, but at least it's for something I planned. JANE: I can't believe you tried talking sense to Ms Li and I wasn't there. DARIA: Where were you? JANE: Spending half an hour having Mr O'Neill search my locker. Actually - thirty seconds searching my locker. The rest of the time he was apologizing for it. Anyway, aren't your parents used to these doomed moral stands? DARIA: The last thing my mom wants right now is me at home reminding her she's not in her office. Jane's part of the screen vanishes as we hear Jake and Helen call from downstairs. JAKE & HELEN (off): DARIA! DARIA: Moment of truth. Gotta go. JANE (vo; filter): Good luck.I gotta scrape foodstuffs off the ceiling. Later. Daria hangs up and trudges to the door. INT MORGENDORFFER HOME - EVENING Daria passes Quinn on the stairs. QUINN: You are soooooo busted. DARIA: That sounds like a plea for assisted suicide. QUINN: Save the brains for weaseling out of this. Which you're *not* gonna do. Listen, my popcorn isn't ready yet so can you stall Mom and Dad for a few minutes? I don't want to miss any yelling. Daria trudges down to the living room, where Helen and Jake are standing. HELEN: *Suspended*? Daria, what the hell's gotten into you? JAKE: Dammit, Daria, just tell me you're not into a loan shark to support your eight-hundred-a-day crack habit - HELEN: Jake. JAKE: Yes honey? HELEN: From now on, the "no coffee" policy extends to caffeinated soda of any kind. JAKE: Gotcha. Now Daria: I've figured it all out. We'll pay for rehab out of your college fund, I'll get on the phone *right* now - HELEN: Jake. JAKE: Yes honey? HELEN: She's not on drugs. It's her attitude again. JAKE (genuinely, pleasantly surprised): ... Oh. HELEN: Now Daria, this anti-establishment attitude has just gone far enough. I mean, for goodness' sake, you can't seriously object to an anti-drugs policy at a high school? DARIA: Sic transit Flower Power. HELEN: Thin ice, Daria. Enter Quinn with a bowl of popcorn. QUINN: So how busted is she? HELEN: Quinn, that's enough. Daria, why don't you explain yourself for once instead of clamming up and taking the moral high ground? DARIA: Good question. Why don't you try it on Ms Li? Look, if you know anything about me you know I'm not going to just sit back and watch as she takes down locker combinations and runs patrols of thugs through the halls. It was a small bust, it was a stupid kid and it wasn't our problem! So why *make* it our problem? I didn't even *know* about it. QUINN: Of course you didn't. No-one tells *you* anything. HELEN: Quinn - wait a minute, you knew about this? QUINN: Oops. Never mind. The phone rings. HELEN: I'll get it. She leaves the room. Jake follows. DARIA: What is the Fashion Club position on illegal narcotics? QUINN: Are you kidding? I mean, "heroin chic", OK, but in real life do you know what that does to your *skin*? DARIA: Stupid question. Helen returns. HELEN: Daria - that was your school. The suspension's revoked and we're told the new security measures are being dismantled. DARIA (completely taken aback): Huh? HELEN: Exactly. I'm owed a favour or two by the PTA, I'll get to the bottom of this. Quinn hasn't been taking this in. QUINN: Wait a minute. She's *not* busted? *Mo-ooom!* Daria grins. INT LAWNDALE HIGH - MR O'NEILL'S CLASSROOM - MORNING Enter Daria, who sits next to Jane. JANE: Sorry. I'm not allowed to talk to you. You're trouble. DARIA: Hey, I've been pardoned. Like Nixon. How's the compost heap? JANE: The *installation* ... well. DARIA: What happened? JANE: Well, it must have been mildewy on my ceiling or something, because my piece sorta fermented and I didn't know this but apparently - anyway, it spontaneously combusted. DARIA: Oh. Sorry. JANE: Don't be. Got the whole thing on videotape. So - what the hell happened? DARIA: I don't know. A real life deus ex machina. Mom has a couple of friends on the PTA and they said something about a budget scandal. But everyone's shutting up because if it leaks, it'll rain lawsuits. JANE: I admire their loyalty. You know what I think? I think Ms Li took the money for the Rottweilers from someplace people would get *really* pissy about. Like the football team. And somebody threatened to leak it. DARIA: But who? Jodie speaks up without turning around. She speaks very fast, an I'm-only-going-to-say-this-once tone. JODIE: It was probably someone on some place like the Student Council who had access to the budget. Daria and Jane stare at each other. JODIE: *And* who knew they'd do something rash if they got eyeballed by rent-a-cop crackers for another *minute*. She shuts up. Daria and Jane look at each other, amazed, and then grin. END