Chat Wars by Marjory Aldora (Scene one-a red-letter school day. Jane and Daria are sitting in Mr. O'Neill's English class.) O'Neill: Class, I would like to announce an extra credit assignment for this term. I'd like you all to go into a chat room and write me a brief description of your experiences there. Jane: Sounds great, Mr. O, but what does it have to do with English? O'Neill: Well...Jacinda? Jane: It's JANE. O'Neill: Yes, Jane, well, it's really a study in communication. Think of the great mystery. You enter a chat room anonymous. You have the freedom to say whatever you please, and no one can hinder your creativity... Daria(to Jane): Oh, yeah. He's gone. O'Neill(snapping back to reality): Ah, yes, this assignment will be due next Friday. I would recommend it for even those of you who do not need extra credit, since it's such an amazing exercise in communication. Daria: Mr. O'Neill, I have several moral objections to this assignment. O'Neill: Yes (checks seating chart)...Dalia? Daria(sighs): It's DARIA. And I would like to know why this is such a great communication exercise if all we're doing is sitting in front of a blinking screen, "speaking" noiselessly to millions of other lowlifes with nothing else to do. And then, of course, there's the confusion of it all. Ten simultaneous conversations that you have to weasel your way into... O'Neill: See, it's working already! This is the most you've ever said in this class, Daria. Daria(to Jane): I feel tricked. And dirty. Jane: Hey, at least he got your name right this time. (Scene 2-Daria and Jane are walking home.) Jane: So, DALIA... Daria: Ha, ha. Very funny, Jacinda. Jane: Well, are you going for O'Neill's extra credit assignment. Daria: No. I refuse to be exploited in the seductive embrace of the Internet. Jane: Whoa. Nice choice of words. I was thinking about it, though... Daria: Why? Jane: You heard the Daffodil Man. "No one can hinder your creativity"...it sounds almost appealing. Daria: Just promise me that in ten years, you won't be arrested for corrupting young boys' minds on the Net. Jane(grins): I can't promise that. (Scene 3-Morgendorffer dinner table. Daria and Helen are the only ones present.) Daria: So then he launches into this great flowery speech in which he continually emphasizes what a great forum for creativity chat rooms are, and I told him exactly what I thought of it. Helen: What's that? Daria: That it's crap. Helen: Daria, I don't know why you have to be so negative about these things. I think you should do it, regardless of the extra credit. It'll be a new experience for you. Daria: No. Nooo way. Helen: Of course, there's always music camp... Daria: Why do we always wind up on this subject? Fine, I'll do it if you'll leave me alone. Helen: Thank you. (She leaves the table) Daria: Now I feel really dirty. (Scene 4-Lawndale's comp lab. Daria and Jane are side-by-side at computers) Jane: Hmmmm. Sick Sad World Chat...sounds good. I think I'll go there. Yo, Daria? Daria: What? Jane: What's your handle gonna be? Daria: How about Lady Reaper? Jane: I think I'll be...Happy Sprite. Daria: Jane, you're scaring me. Get away. Jane: Oh, Daria, lighten up. Try and have a little fun here. Daria: I don't like fun. (They enter the Sick Sad World Chat room) Daria: How do we start? Jane: Try saying "Hi". (Daria punches a couple of keys and stares at the screen) Daria: Huh. Jane: What? Daria: Two people said hi back, three are involved in a heated debate about the sexiness factor of G-string grandmas, and someone is complaining about his corns. Jane: That would be me. Daria(exhales): This is gonna be a long day.(types in something) Jane: What'd you just type? Daria: Look at your screen. Jane: "I am the king, and I make you sneeze". Deep, Daria. (types in a response) Daria: "Achoo". Thanks, Jane. Jane: Don't mention it, Lady Reaper. (Scene 5-Daria is back in English class reading her description to the class) Daria (in monotone): So, I ventured into the chat room anonymous, my creativity flowing like the wild river. And I can now say that my whole life has been truly blessed because of it. I am now enriched with such pearls of wisdom such as "Silly rabbit, trips are for kids" and "Crazy yellow no-nose puppet men conquer all". I also now know that the Cricket Men are coming to take us over on the night of the apocalypse. In conclusion, I would like to say that this experience has changed my life. O'Neill(wipes away a tear): Beautiful, Daria. (Daria returns to her seat) Jane: Did you mean any of that? Daria: No. But at least now I'm safe from music camp. O'Neill: Daria's moving memoir of her experience in a chat room has provided some true inspiration for me. I would like to make this chat room assignment a monthly required one for all of you. Daria(starts brushing her arms): Help! The filth isn't coming off! THE END