My (unsubmitted) submission for 'Behind The Glasses 4'

By Brother Grimace

SCENE: The MTV studios: Amy Barksdale is sitting in a director's chair next to a large table. She is reading through a copy of Tom Clancy's 'Clear And Present Danger' when she looks up to see Janet Barch with two metallic hard-shell cases coming over.

Amy: What's in there?

Ms. Barch: (placing the cases on the table) Watch carefully - Brother Grimace wanted me to show you something before our intro to his clip. (She opens the first case to pull out a serious-looking pistol, while the boys from Mystic Spiral bring four mannequins into the studio.)

Ms. Barch: This is a Para-Ordinance P-16 semiautomatic pistol, chambered for the 40. Smith & Wesson cartridge. It has a ten-round magazine, but can take a high-capacity 16-round clip - however, only the boys in blue can have those legally. (She empties the pistol into one of the mannequins, and the Boys of Spiral scatter like 'dust in the wind'. I couldn't resist.)

Amy: (eyes wide) HOLY...

Ms. Barch: It gets better. (She opens the second case, and spends several moments assembling a SERIOUSLY mean-looking weapon - obviously for military use.) This is a Heckler and Koch PSG1 semiautomatic assault rifle. It takes the 7.62 round in a twenty-round magazine, and will allow you to employ accurate and effective fire against multiple targets at long ranges - between 300 to 1000 yards away.

Amy: And this is for...

Ms. Barch: This is for that Cullen girl. Someone's been giving her the wrong info. Get her up to speed on these weapons.

Amy: Right. (long pause as Ms. Barch sits down) Good current time-interval to everyone out there. I know it would be more appropriate to say 'Good Evening' or some other greeting to that effect, but, well - the average fanfic reader's probably not aware of the time anyway... spends too much time in front of a monitor nuking his frontal lobes.

Ms. Barch: Why does it have to be 'his lobes', Barkdale? Don't tell me that YOU'RE mired in the ongoing myth of male superiority over the female of the species, despite the ample body of evidence that nature provides to show -

(Kevin and Upchuck go running across the stage, waving his arms as two female security guards chase after them.)

Sec. Guard #1: Get back here, you two! You're banned from this set!

Kevin: Nothing doing! We're part of the cast of this show, and we have our rights!

Sec. Guard #2: Stop running or we'll give you so many rights that you'll beg us for a left!

Kevin: Hey, 'Invasion U.S.A.!' I saw that!

(They flee the set, the guards in pursuit)

Amy: Point taken. Anyway, Brother Grimace has asked us to come out and introduce this segment.

Ms. Barch: The coward's afraid to show his round head out here - probably the first smart decision he's made since he started into fanfics.

Amy: Janet's referring to some of the, er... questionable moments within his earlier works. Apparently, the gentleman in question has -

Ms. Barch: And your niece! I thought that she had her head on straight, but when she and that, that - MUSICIAN! - were... and the way he just MANHANDLED her - and that - He used her like she was his own personal salt lick!

Amy: Janet, BREATHE. Before you sprain something. (beat) As I was saying - and Janet has words on the matter - is the rather overt sequence in 'Shipping Overnight,' where Trent and Daria get, shall we say... better aquainted with one another.

Ms. Barch: Better aquainted? Is THAT what you call it? If he had gotten any more aquainted with her, he'd have to pay a toll passing through her fallopian tubes on the way to his new walk-up next to her KIDNEY!

Amy: I see someone's being influenced by her co-workers. As I was saying, while the response was generally positive, there were some people who had - differing opinions about the scene -

Brother Grimace: (O.S.) AAAAAAAH!

Helen: (O.S.) DIEEEEEEEEE!

Amy and Janet look up to see Helen and a tall, heavyset African-American man in his early thirties with the 'Captain Sisko' look - bald but bearded, with wraparound cinnamon-tint shades and dressed in a purple Greek frat-initiation robe - fall through the ceiling and, amazingly enough, land on their feet.

Helen, wearing the same orange-trimmed black leather bodysuit that Hugh Jackman wore in 'X-Men', spins around to face Brother Grimace. She's angrier than a conservative on 'Politically Incorrect', and her world-class 'skunk eye' stare is set on 'make go away in a puff of smoke.'

(PAUSE)

('Skunk Eye Stare', copyright Jim Wright, of the 'Delta Blues' web site. If you're a fan of 'Star Trek: Voyager' or just like a few good laughs, check out his web site which features reviews of the shows. HINT: 'Read the reviews on 'Tinker, Tenor, Sailor, Spy,' 'Virtuoso', and 'Someone To Watch Over Me' for real laughs and feelings. Hey, a hologram and a Borg. It could happen.)

(PLAY)

Helen: You shouldn't run, Grimace. (dramatic pause) It only ticks me off. (She clenches her hands, and three razor-sharp, foot-long claws snap out from each of her fists with a loud SNIKT!)

Amy: Holy Mother of God.

Helen: I'm going to kill you in so many ways that you'll need an election to decide how you're going to die.

Ms. Barch: You go, girl!

Brother Grimace: What did I do to make you so mad at me? Did somebody forget to tell me that the two of us are engaged?

Helen: My DAUGHTER, you jackass! Did you think that I wouldn't find out about that little 'navel action' sequence... and to think that I actually fell for your 'We're shooting on the shore' answer when I asked about it...

Brother Grimace: (Holding up his hands) Look- first, she's seventeen - she can do what she wants. Second - it was erotic, not pornographic - no exposed private areas anywhere! Third - the scene was artistically done and integral to the plot - the entire piece depended on that scene!

Helen: Save it for the suckers, wormfood. (beat) You know, when you wear that robe, you DO look like Grimace.

Bother Grimace: How'd you think I got the name - by not smiling?

Helen: I'd tell you to lose some weight, but don't worry - I'll cut you down to size.

(Helen is about to leap when the far wall of the studio explodes in a billowing cascade of flames and flying debris!)

Ms. Barch: WHAT THE HELL...?

(Everyone turns to see Jake - decked out and born-again hard in his 'Terminator' gear from the end credits, step through the wall. He is holding a tube-like object in his left hand.)

Jake: LAW rocket. (He tosses the spent launcher aside, reaches back for the weapons on his back - a Benelli M1 Super 90 semiautomatic shotgun and a Kalasknikov AK-47 assault rifle - and levels them at Brother Grimace.) I'm going through you like Bill Clinton through the Chicken Ranch.

Amy: (to Brother Grimace) That's it - I'm out of here! I don't make enough or get enough airtime for this crap!

Ms. Barch: What she said! (They both start running away)

Brother Grimace: Fine! (beat) Wait'll they get a load of what I've got planned for them in my upcoming fanfic, 'It's All About Respect.' It should be ready just before -

Helen: CUT! (The klaxon goes off, and people start moving around the set as Helen goes to Grimace.) Look, Grimace - really, can we not be formal? I'll just call you Gerry.

Brother Grimace: I'd rather you didn't, Helen. When I'm working, I'm Brother Grimace, or just Grimace - and if you ABSOLUTELY just have to... you can call me Gerald. (beat) I hate being called Gerry... It reminds me of when I was a little kid back in Peoria, and I loved reading books but all the other kids would make fun of me and call me all sorts of names...Mister Proper... Professor... Brainiac... MISTER PEABODY!

Jake: Helen...

Helen: Gerald... (beat) Mister Wright...

Brother Grimace: (Rolling on the river of bad memories like 'Proud Mary') Oh, yeah - you laughed at me then because I wanted to be a writer, but guess what! I'm working with world-class celebrities from MTV now, and soon I'll be writing scripts for REAL money and lounging around as a producer with a secretarial pool with nothing but six-foot-plus bronze-skinned Brazilian beauties with REAL breasts who wear tan-through bikinis as they play volleyball as I type out my next script just a few meters down the beach! That's right, you bastards - you keep working at Caterpillar and Keystone and the Park District, drinking your Red Dog and watching 'Smackdown' and the 'XFL' with your lazy wives and your 2.3 to 6.8 kids - while I use my skills to escape from behind the Corn Curtain, burn down the gates of Hollywood and claim my writing birthright as the BASTARD SON of AARON SPELLING! HEY! YOU HEAR ME IN THERE, DAD? IT'S ME, GERALD! I THINK YOU HEAR ME KNOCKING, AND I THINK I'M COMING IN!

(Jake backhands him a good one, and he shakes his head clear.)

Brother Grimace: Thanks. I REALLY needed that.

Jake: No kidding. (beat) Is THAT what I come off like when I do the 'rant' sequences?

Helen: I'm afraid so.

Jake: Wow. (beat) No wonder I don't get any respect from the fans of the show, let alone from the fanfic writers...

Brother Grimace: You know, Jake, in 'It's All About Respect', I address the issue of you and the way you're viewed by the other characters, and I introduce a couple of new-

Helen: Actually, Gerald, that's what I wanted to speak to you about. (beat) I know that you've directed a couple of fanfics before, and you've done a reasonable job. It's just that, well, it's not really polite to promo your own work like that.

Brother Grimace: You mean, during a big scene geared towards someone else.

Helen: Exactly.

Brother Grimace: It takes the light off them and puts it on me.

Helen: Very good.

Brother Grimace: And you're not taking a pay cut if your lines get reduced or cut in editing.

Helen: Not with the contract I've got. (beat) I may be animated, but I'm still a damned good attorney.

Brother Grimace: I see. (beat) Well, then - let's strike the 'fight scene' set. I'll just go in with my film clip.

Helen: Now you're talking. (turning away) Come on, Jake. I've got hot coffee and some Krispy Kreme donuts back in my trailer.

Jake: (in awe) You've got your own trailer? And Krispy Kreme donuts?

Helen: Like I said - I'm a damned good attorney. I go over my contract word by word, and they give me what I want.

Brother Grimace: (watching them go) Well, without further ado, and WITH the miracle of CGI, digital processing and some airtight contracts on my primary talent, I'd like to present a preview of 'It's All About Respect'. I'll only say this about my plans for the story and Our Heroine: "For those of you who don't like revisionism - there'll be revisionism!"

3 November, 2000

Revised 31 January 2005