BOOTED! A "Daria" Fan Fiction Story (Part of the "Daria: The OAV's" Series) by Peter W. Guerin ================================================================ With apologies to Glenn Eichler, Susie Lewis, Mike Judge, Craig McCracken, Jerry Siegel and Joe Shuster. ================================================================ AUTHOR'S DISCLAIMER None of this ever happened. This story is entirely a work of fiction. As for continuity within the "Daria: The OAV's" series, this story takes place after the events depicted in "My Stupid Date with Destiny". All "Daria" and "Beavis and Butt-Head" characters are (c) 1993, 1997, 1999 MTV Networks, a division of Viacom International, Inc. All Rights Reserved. All "Powerpuff Girls" characters are (c) 1995, 1998, 1999 Hanna-Barbera Productions, a Time Warner company. All Rights Reserved. All "Superman" characters are (c) 1938, 1999 DC Comics, a Time Warner Company. All Rights Reserved. "Master Lock" is a registered trademark of the Master Lock Company, Milwaukee, Wisconsin. "Mach 3" is a registered trademark of the Gillette Company. "Jell-O" is a registered trademark of Kraft Foods, Inc. "Citra" is a registered trademark of the Coca-Cola Company. "Lexus" is a registered trademark of Lexus Motors, USA; a division of Toyota Motors, USA. ================================================================ SPECIAL NOTE ON THIS DOCUMENT ================================================================ Endotes to this story are in parenthetical citation format. The number in brackets refers to the corresponding number in the endnotes section of this document. ================================================================ ACT LOTUS 1-2-3 ================================================================ (Since things have radically changed in Daria's world in my Daria-verse, a new opening sequence is in order. "You're Standing on My Neck" by Splendora still starts off, and we still see Daria not laughing with the rest of the crowd at a movie theater at a funny scene. However, now at gym class, during a volleyball game, Daria and Jane let the volleyball get past them, while Samantha Morris, the gym teacher, scowls at them. [1] Kevin and Brittany are still blocking Daria's locker, but this time, Daria gets out a "panic alarm", consisting of compressed air that lets out an ear-piercing blast when activated. Kevin and Brittany clear out as Daria goes to her locker. At a football game, Daria is the only one not cheering. At gym class again, Daria and Jane let the volleyball go past them again, causing Ms. Morris to scowl at them again. At a funeral, Jake, Helen and Quinn are crying over the casket, while Daria--still in her usual outfit--calmly picks up a newspaper with the heading "JUDGE IMPLICATED IN BRIBERY SCANDAL" on the front cover. [2] Finally, at gym class again, Ms. Morris is yelling at Daria and Jane for not participating when Daria takes the volleyball, spikes it, and smashes it into Ms. Morris' face, causing her to drop to the floor. Daria and Jane both smirk sinisterly. Close-up of Daria smiling, which then zooms up and over to form the "Daria" logo on an orange background, [3] below which is the caption "in: 'Booted!'" in black "Daria" script.) ================================================================ Scene 1: The gymnasium at Lawndale High School, 12:30 PM Tuesday. Background music: the opening guitar riffs from "In Bloom" by Nirvana. ================================================================ (A game of volleyball is in progress here. Daria Morgendorffer, Jane Lane, Stacy Nibblet, Andrea Hecuba and Candy Kaine are on one side while Sandi Griffin, Tiffany Woo, Brittany Taylor, the cheerleader who smacked Upchuck in Daria's photojournalistic essay in The Daria Database and Jodie Landon are on the other. Tiffany is about to serve.) Tiffany: Twenty serving fifteen. (She spikes the ball. Candy smashes it back, and the game resumes.) Daria: So, what are your plans for the summer there, Jane? Jane: Well, if Mom decides to take a couple of weeks and go to Woodstock, New York to hang out with her artist friends, I might go with her. Besides, I always wanted to see Bearsville Records' studios there and perhaps meet Todd Rundgren. Daria: (Singing to herself.) "I don't wanna work/I just wanna bang on the drum all day!" (Their talking distracts them, and they let the volleyball get past them. Sandi and the members of the rival team cheer as they've won the game. Morris now approaches Daria and Jane.) Morris: Daria, Jane, we're supposed to be playing volleyball, not talking about our plans for the summer! Daria: Ms. Morris, we're conscientiously objecting to participating in this game. Morris: You two are impossible to deal with! Keep this up, and the only plans you'll be making this summer is to attend summer school in order to make up this class! (Candy now approaches.) Candy: Ms. Morris, maybe if your classes had something Daria and Jane would actually like to participate in, it could help. Morris: Yeah, like what? Jane: Well, some martial arts instruction wouldn't hurt! (Smirks evilly.) (Ms. Morris, however, actually seems to have her interest piqued in this case.) Morris: Say, that sounds like a great idea! (Actually grins herself.) Tell you what, I'll run it by Ms. Li, and if she agrees, I'll see if Ms. Barch could perhaps teach some basics. After all, she does head the "Take Back the Night Self-Defense Club" here in school. (4) I also happen to know a karate instructor here in town; he's a ninth-degree black belt. Thanks a lot, Candy, Jane, for bringing this to my attention. (To Daria.) Perhaps you and Jane may save your hides--yet. (To everyone now.) OK, that's a wrap for today! Hit the showers! Daria: Man, do I owe you one, Candy. Candy: Hey, it's no big deal. Besides, you and Jane do look like the karate type. Daria: Want to hang out with Jane at me at my house this Saturday and watch "Karate Chop Theater"? Candy: What time? Daria: They moved it again; now it's on at 3:00 PM. Candy: Sure, after the weekly Fashion Club shopping trip at Cranberry Commons. (She now pats Daria's butt.) Take care, huh? (Daria blushes.) Daria: What the Hell was that about? Jane: Say, you don't think she's. . . Daria: I don't even want to think about it. (Tiffany--who's been looking at the whole affair herself, turns to Sandi.) Tiffany: Uh, Sandi, did you just see that? Sandi: (Still in a Ritalin stupor.) See what? Tiffany: Candy patting Daria's butt. You don't think she's. . .(sticks out her hand and lets it go limp.) Sandi: Tiffany, you are so sick. (5) ================================================================ Scene 2: The girl's locker room. 12:35 PM. Background music: the opening horns of "Sellout" by Reel Big Fish. ================================================================ (We see someone--shadow only--approach a locker. We now see a pair of cutters being taken out as they clip off the lock. Fast cut to a few minutes later, as Daria and Jane now go to their lockers.) Daria: Man, I just can't wait for this day to end. Jane: Tell me about it. Mr. DeMartino's big test, math being a drag, and this class. Daria: Better get my things out to take a shower. (She goes to her locker, but notices the lock is missing.) Hey, wait a minute. The lock on this is missing. Jane: You didn't forget it, did you? Daria: No. I always put my lock on here. Jane: You didn't try to use a no-name brand lock, did you? You know the school only allows Master(tm) locks on the lockers here. (6) Daria: Yes, dammit, I use a Master(tm) lock! (She now opens the locker. There's a stunned look of shock on her face, the kind we've never seen before on her face.) They're gone! They're fucking gone! Jane: What's gone? (She goes up and looks. Jane has a look of shock on her face as well.) Morris: (Now entering the room.) What is going on here? Daria: Ms. Morris, someone's broken into my locker. Morris: What? Ms. Li is not going to like this! Jane: Well, if the teachers were hoping that they were going to get any textbooks soon, they'd better kiss those hopes good-bye. The money's probably going to go to new metal detectors and other security measures. Daria: Jane, that's not funny! Morris: Can someone tell me what the big deal is! Daria: I'll tell you. My boots have been stolen! (Cut to a shot of Daria's gym locker. Sure enough, we can see her jacket, shirt, skirt, socks, backpack, and even a towel, soap and shampoo, but those famed Doc Martens boots of hers are nowhere to be found.) Jane: Man, who'd want to steal those? Hopefully no one with a foot fetish. Daria: (Getting icy now at Jane.) I hate you! (She storms away.) Jane: Hey, I thought it was funny! (She runs to catch up with her.) Morris: Man, Ms. Li is going to be pissed! ================================================================ Scene 3: The hallways of Lawndale High, 1:30 PM Tuesday. Background music: the booming drum, synthesizer and sitar break from "Right Here, Right Now" by Fatboy Slim. ================================================================ (We see Daria and Jane walking down the hallway. Jane's in her usual outfit of red jacket, black T-shirt, black shorts, black pantyhose and black fireman's boots. Daria is in her usual outfit except she has to wear her gym sneakers since her boots have been stolen.) Daria: Jane, I'm sorry I acted like I did earlier. It's just that those boots of mine are part of my image, like my glasses. Jane: And I know how you feel about your glasses from the time Helen made you try those contact lenses! (7) Daria: It's part of how I look, how I feel. Besides, they've saved my ass too many times for me to count when guys act like jerks. Jane: Is this about vanity again? Daria: No, it's not; it's about my self-image again; it's like the time we talked about why I don't show my feelings shortly before Sandi's attack on me. (8) Jane: Anyway, did anyone ever tell you that you've got great looking legs, Daria? (Daria blushes in embarrassment.) Daria: You may not live to see the end of this day, Jane Coyote Lane. (9) (We now see Charles Ruttheimer III, alias Upchuck, walk past. He takes a look at Daria's legs and whistles at them.) Upchuck: ROWR! Daria, I didn't know you had such great looking legs! Daria: Excuse me while I take care of this. (She goes to Upchuck and kicks him in the testicles.) Upchuck: YEOW!!!!!!!!! (He collapses to the floor, clutching his groin.) Daria: Come on, Jane, let's leave this loser. (They walk away. Meanwhile, Janet Barch, the science teacher, who saw all this, goes up to Upchuck.) Barch: Though what Daria did to you should warrant a trip to Ms. Li's office, I think you got what you deserved, you man! (She now kicks Upchuck in the testicles for good measure.) Upchuck: OWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!!! (Clutches his groin again.) Feisty! ROWR! ================================================================ Scene 4: The Pizza King at Main Street, Lawndale, 3:30 PM Tuesday. Background music: The opening drum and guitar break from "Anthem for the Year 2000" by Silverchair. ================================================================ (We see Daria and Jane eating pizza. Enter the Fashion Club: President Candy Kaine, Vice-President [and Daria's sister] Quinn Morgendorffer, Secretary/Treasurer Brittany Taylor [who, despite now being a member, is still wearing her cheerleader's outfit] and Co-Ordinating officer Tiffany Woo. [10]) Jane: Heads up, Daria; here comes the Fashion Club. Daria: God, I hate to see how they think about me without my boots! (The Fashion Club now approach the table.) Brittany: (Twirling her hair.) MMMMM, Daria, there's something different about you today; I just can't put my finger on what, though. Daria: Good for you, Brittany. Brittany: Gee, thanks! (Daria closes her eyes and puts her hand to her forehead over that remark.) Quinn: (Becoming the first in the Fashion Club to notice.) Daria, where are you boots? Daria: They got stolen out of my locker, that's what. Quinn: But who would want those beat-up old things, anyway? Daria: I take very good care of those boots, Quinn; besides, you were the one who picked those out for my birthday the day we moved from Highland. (11) (Quinn blushes over that. Tiffany is about to give a fierce scowl to Quinn when Candy makes a motion to her not to do so.) Candy: That was real sweet of you to do that, Quinn. You know, I own a pair of those myself. (The other members of the Fashion Club look at her in amazement.) Hey, we can't all be fashionable all the time. Lighten up, guys; it isn't like "Big Brother" Sandi is watching you all the time. Those days are gone. Jane: Are we witnessing glasnost and perestroika within the Evil Empire here, Daria? Daria: Little good it did to Gorbachev; the Soviet Union collapsed under his tenure. Candy: If you are open to some suggestions, Daria, I'd recommend you use wax on those legs; I see "five o'clock shadow" on them. (Daria actually looks down at them; she blushes in embarrassment.) Daria: Gee, I should have used the Mach 3(tm) razor on them. Jane: And I think you're also growing a beard there. Daria: You may still die today, Lane. Candy: Anyway, we're going to go eat now. Power snack, if the term can be coined. Have to plan some strategy for the upcoming Student Government Clothes Drive. Tiffany: Just as long as it isn't a disaster like Volunteer Week was. (12) Candy: That's why I'm planning strategy. We really should donate old clothes we don't have a need for anymore; who cares if they're out of fashion or whatever? When you're poor, does that really matter? Daria: OK, who took my brain out and transplanted it into her head? Jane: (Looking over Daria's forehead.) Nah, I don't see any surgical scars. Then again, they may have taken it out through the nose like the ancient Egyptians did whey they mummified the pharaohs. Quinn: EWWWWW! (Candy, however, chuckles over that.) Tiffany: Uh, Candy, let's eat before we lose our appetites. (The Fashion Club now leaves.) Daria: Another rather sublime meeting comes to a close. Jane: I think they're spiking the water around here with something. The Fashion Club's never been this nice to us, at least when Sandi was in charge. Daria: OK, kemosabe, I'm ready to head home if you are. Jane: Hi-ho, Silver, away! (She now begins to hum "The William Tell Overture".) (Daria and Jane now leave.) Candy: Quinn, your sister and her friend are so funny. Tiffany: They are so weird. Brittany: Well, it's who the are, Tiffany. You may still act stuck-up but I don't have a stuck-up bone in my body. Quinn: From what Daria tells me she thinks you're living pudding. (13) Brittany: EEP! Quinn: OOPS! Candy: Brittany, I'm pretty sure Daria meant that only in jest. Brittany: I sure hope so; Kevvie thinks I'm more like Jell-O(tm)! Quinn: (To herself.) With hooters the size of Wisconsin, no wonder. ================================================================ Scene 5: The kitchen table at the Morgendorffer residence, 1111 Glen Oaks Lane, Lawndale, 5:30 PM Tuesday. Background music: the opening synthesizer bars from "Glory Days" by Bruce Springsteen and the E Street Band. ================================================================ (We see the Morgendorffers eating a lasagna dinner. Daria and Quinn are here, as well as their father, Jake Morgendorffer, and their mother, Helen Morgendorffer.) Jake: So, girls, how was your day? Daria: (Usual monotone.) Fine. Helen: Come on, sweetie; we know when something's bothering you. Jake: Yeah, like we noticed you came home wearing your gym sneakers today instead of your boots. Quinn: Daria told me they were stolen. (Jake and Helen have shocked looks on their face.) Helen: Now who would steal your boots, Daria? Daria: I think it may have been that Doc Martens-worshipping cult I saw on "Sick, Sad World" recently. (14) Helen: Daria, be serious for once in your life. Who would have stolen your boots? Jake: Well, after what happened in Littleton, Colorado, I bet they're cracking down on trenchcoats and Goth clothes. Helen: (Sharply.) Who asked you, Jake? Jake: (Meekly.) Sorry. Daria: Mom, Dad, do you really seriously think the school would take away my boots because they think I might take out a gun and shoot everyone? Helen: Well. . . Daria: I wouldn't. Helen: That's a relief. Daria: I'd prefer to wear a halter top and hot pants when I do that. Jake: Daria, you wouldn't! Helen: Jake, she's obviously making a joke about this. . .(With a tone of half-concern, half-anger.) you were, right? (Daria just smirks that Mona Lisa smile of hers.) Quinn: Daria, I think Mom and Dad do have a point. You wear that old field jacket, knee-length pleated skirt and those boots a lot. It's almost as frightening as those dusters those two killers wore. Daria: Come on, guys; even you aren't that dumb enough to paint everyone who's smart, cynical and an outcast in school as a potential mass murderer. Helen: Well, you also like to play "CyberKron" and "Cannibal Fragfest". (15) Daria: This is almost as ridiculous as saying playing with toy guns makes you violent. Helen: Maybe you ought to soften that image of yours a bit, Daria. Daria: And become like Quinn? Been there, done that, hated every minute of that. (16) Quinn: Well, Daria, I do have a pair of go-go boots you can borrow until you can get the others back or get a new pair. Daria: No thanks; I don't want to look like a fashion disaster. Helen: Daria, at least consider it. Daria: Yeah, at the same time they give me a lobotomy. (She gets up to put her plate away.) Helen: What am I going to do with her? Jake: Actually, I think she does have a few points. Helen: (Shrieking.) WHO ASKED YOU, JAKE?!?!?!?!?!?!?!? (Jake runs for his life, going "AAAAAAAA!", while Quinn flinches.) ================================================================ Scene 6: Daria's bedroom, 7:00 PM Tuesday. Background music: the organ intro from "Shut Up" by The Monks. ================================================================ (Daria is going through her closet. She takes out a box. She opens it and we see it's the brown boots from her first outfit from her "Beavis and Butt-Head" days. Daria looks at them and then smirks that Mona Lisa smile of hers.) Daria: These old things do bring back some memories, don't they? (Misty dissolve to a flashback sequence, as "Shut Up" continues to play in the background. We see Beavis and Butt-Head shaking their fists.) Beavis and Butt-Head: DIARRHEA, CHA-CHA-CHA! DIARRHEA, CHA-CHA-CHA! DIARRHEA, CHA-CHA-CHA! (We now see Daria, in her first outfit of tan jacket, dark green shirt, pendant, orange skirt, green pantyhose and brown boots, scowling. We now see Beavis and Butt-Head doing the following: mud wrestling; cow tipping; trying to "score" with a biker chick; trying to make Daria disappear in a magic show at Highland High School's Talent Day; [17] getting the crap beaten out of them by Todd; Daria talking to Mr. Vandreissen shortly before the police bust in on him from "Beavis and Butt-Head Do America"; and the Morgendorffers' moving away from Highland. [18] Misty dissolve back to Lawndale in the present, where Daria is now scowling.) Daria: On second thought, there are some things I'd rather forget. (Sighs.) ================================================================ Scene 7: The same, about 1:30 AM Wednesday. Background music: the opening acoustic guitar riffs from "Daysleeping" by REM. ================================================================ (We see Daria asleep, wearing her usual bedclothes of blue T-shirt and yellow shorts. Daria's tossing and turning. Zoom in on her as we now cut to her nightmare. Daria's wearing her first Beavis and Butt-Head outfit, walking across a plain, when she suddenly bumps into what looks like a gigantic version of her stolen boots. The music now changes to "These Boots are Made for Walking" by Nancy Sinatra. Daria looks up, and gasps. It turns out to be a gigantic version of Nancy Sinatra.) Sinatra: Are you ready, boots? Start walking! (The horn coda from the song starts as she starts walking. Daria runs for her life, but she soon finds herself at the edge of a cliff. She now looks up, and sees one of the boots descending right on top of her. Daria wakes up suddenly with a gasp, like she did in "Monster", "Ill", "Through a Lens Darkly" and Outbitched. Daria catches her breath.) Daria: I've got to tell Mom to cut back on the garlic in the lasagna; it seems to be giving me weird nightmares. ================================================================ Scene 7: The living room of the Lane Residence, 111 Howard Drive, Lawndale. 7:15 AM Wednesday. Background music: the opening guitar riffs of "Loser" by Beck. ================================================================ (We hear the doorbell ringing. Jane, still wearing her running outfit of red shirt and white shorts, and her hair all wet with sweat, answers the door. Frontal shot of her as she has a look of shock on her face.) Jane: Daria. . . (Cut to Daria, who has decided to wear her old first "Beavis and Butt-Head" outfit again.) Daria: Were you expecting me to be wearing contacts or something like that? Jane: Well, that, and it looks like you didn't get much sleep last night. Daria: I'll tell you about that on the way to school. ================================================================ Scene 8: A sidewalk somewhere in Lawndale, 7:20 AM Wednesday. ================================================================ (Daria and Jane are seen walking down the sidewalk. Jane is now in her usual outfit of red jacket, black T-shirt, black shorts, black pantyhose and black fireman's boots.) Jane: So, you're telling me that a gigantic Nancy Sinatra chased you, then stomped on you like an ant? Daria: Yeah. Jane: Rats, I was kind of hoping that maybe it was about you and Trent kissing passionately. (Daria scowls fiercely at Jane over that.) Daria: I hate you. Jane: I aim to please. (Smirks sinisterly.) (They now arrive at the front lawn of Lawndale High. Suddenly, their attention is grabbed by seeing something rather unusual. Kevin and Brittany are wearing different outfits. Kevin has a red muscle shirt and jeans, while Brittany is wearing a yellow T-shirt and cut-offs; they're also both wearing the same type of boots Daria used to have.) Daria: Oh, my God, Jane; please tell me I'm not seeing this. Jane: You are. Brittany: Hi, Daria, Jane. Kevin: Daria, what do you think of our clothes today? Daria: Words fail to describe it, frankly. Brittany: (Twirling her hair again.) MMMM, Daria, these boots are like real nice and all that. Kevin: Yeah, I think people are taking me seriously now. Daria: This is almost as bad as when they were trying out glasses. (19) Jane: It's even worse than that. Daria: Kevin, Brittany, let me just straighten you two out on something. This is not like when I was trying out the contacts. Kevin: It isn't? Daria: For one thing, this is not an issue about vanity; it's about my self-identity. Jane: Yeah, kind of like how Canadians question their national identity. (20) Kevin: Why would they do that? They're Canadians, right? They're not Mexicans. Daria: I see that approach was wasted on those two. Jane: Hey, give them some credit. They may be dumb as bricks, but they're well-meaning people. Daria: It depends on what your definition of the term "well-meaning" is. Brittany: Anyway, Daria, your sister Quinn told me that you thought I was living pudding. (Daria blushes over that; how could her kid sister betray how she feels about Brittany?) Jane: Busted! Brittany: However, Daria, I am not one to hold a grudge. I'm more like Jell-O(tm) than pudding. Daria: (Sarcastically.) Thanks for clearing that up for me, Brittany. Jane: If you think about it Daria, (Slyly pointing to Brittany's breasts.) she's right. Brittany: Of course I'm right! (Giggles.) Kevin: We just wanted to give you some moral support during your time of suffering since someone swiped your boots. Daria: (Realizing that that's the best they can do to comfort her during this.) Gee, thanks. Brittany: You know, my parents are planning a family hiking trip to the Sierra Nevadas this summer; these boots could come in handy for it. Kevin: I gotta see if Coach Gibson can let me wear these for the next game. I hear these boots can inflict a lot of damage on someone. Brittany: They can? EEP! Daria: Don't worry, Brittany; as long as you have the safety on, no one will get hurt. (The bell rings, warning the students that they have five minutes to get to homeroom.) Kevin: Gotta go now. See you! (He and Brittany leave.) Daria: This is going to be one of those days, isn't it? Jane: My horoscope didn't say anything about meeting star quarterbacks and cheerleaders in boots. (As they step inside, the PA system crackles to life as Angela Li, the principal, prepares to make an announcement.) Li: Good mooooooorning, students. Welcome to Lawndale High. After hoooooomeroom, there will be a speeeeeeeecial assembly at the auuuuuuditorium in regard to new security measures at the gym. Attendance is strictly voluntary, but those teachers who don't let their students go to this assembly willllllllll be docked a full week's pay. Those students who do attend will get a "life experience credit" added to his/her grade point average. Daria: There she goes again with those "life experience credits". Jane: Ever since she lost that lawsuit Ted's parents filed against her, she's been doing that a lot. Of course, the ruling doesn't affect the teachers, so she can still do what she wants with them. Daria: I thought we had a powerful teachers' union in this state. Jane: Well, sort of. She can't fire them, though. They've all got tenure. (Daria smirks over that remark.) ================================================================ Scene 9: The Lawndale High auditorium, 8:00 AM Wednesday. Background music: The opening guitars from "The Hammer to Fall" by Queen. ================================================================ (We see Ms. Li, standing behind a podium on the stage.) Li: Assssss you are allllll aware of, there was a break-in at the girls' locker room in the gym yesterday, resulting in the theft of Daria Morgendorffer's boots. Since I'm presuming that alllll of you have been using the Master(tm) locks mandated by the Physical Education Department, and since no student hassssssss access to the clippers we use for unscheduled searches--er, I mean emergencies--and since we do extensive background criminal checks on the custodial staff here, I'm not presuming that this is an inside job by them or a theft by a student. We have turned this matter over to the police for investigation. Due to this incident; we have decided to beef up security in the gym. Metal detectors willllllll be installed to the entrances to the boys' and girls' locker rooms, and motion detectors will allllllllso be installed as well. Further, the equipment room will be locked at all times to prevent "borrowing" of gym equipment for faculty use after hours. (We cut to a shot of Anthony DeMartino, the social studies teacher.) DeMartino: (To himself, as his right eye bulges out). DAMMIT! Now I can't USE the golf CLUBS I've been borrowing from here to improve my GAME at Sedimentary ROCK Country CLUB and LINKS! (21) Daria: Big Brother has struck again. Jane: Hey, at least she's thinking of you. (Smirks sinisterly.) Daria: I'd rather take my chances at the torture rooms in the Ministry of Love. Jane: (Holding up four fingers.) How many fingers am I holding up? Daria: Thursday. (22) Jane: You're supposed to say "five," dammit! Now I'm going to push the lever to nine! (Daria smirks that Mona Lisa smile again.) (Cut back to DeMartino.) DeMartino: What a lousy DAY this has been so far, and I haven't even HAD my first CLASS yet! After school's over, I'm going to go to the RathSKELLER (23) and get BOMBED! ================================================================ Scene 10: Lawndale High cafeteria, 11:30 PM Wednesday. Background music: the opening guitar riffs from "Sold Me Down the River" by The Alarm. ================================================================ (Daria and Jane are eating their lunch. Quinn now approaches them.) Quinn: Hey, you guys! (To Daria.) Still down in the dumps about your boots being stolen? Daria: Down in the dumps doesn't even to begin describing how I fell. Quinn: Don't worry; I can get you another pair. (She takes our her wallet and produces a card.) I just got my Cashman's "Teen Club" credit card! The best part is the charges go to Mom and Dad. Jane: Ah, you're never too young to learn about larceny! (Smirks sinisterly. Quinn actually likes what Jane just said and smirks herself.) Daria: (To Quinn.) Are you actually picking up things from her? Jane: I think she is. Keep this up and you'll wind up begging her to start telling everyone that you're her cousin again. Daria: Don't tempt me. Jane: Next I'll be teaching her how to smuggle moonshine and dodge revenuers. Daria: Thank you, Snuffy Smith. (Jane smirks sinisterly again.) (We now see someone in green overalls approach. He's a man with balding gray hair and brown eyes. The name on the front says "Ray". He goes up to Daria.) Ray: Excuse me; you're Daria Morgendorffer, right? Daria: No, actually I'm her evil twin Lucy. Ray: (Laughing.) You're the one, all right. I'm Ray, the head custodian. Mind if I talk to you for a second? Daria: Sure. (Gets up.) I'm sure it won't take too long. (She goes with Ray.) Jane: Could this be a break in the case? Quinn: Or someone thinks maybe Daria took her own boots for the publicity? Jane: Nah, she wouldn't risk ten years in solitary for that. (Smirks evilly again.) (Daria follows Ray to the hall to his office a couple of doors down. They enter. Ray closes the door.) Ray: What I have to say is not to leave this room. Daria: Is Ms. Li watching and/or listening in? Ray: We're not bugged. We're one of few people she actually trusts. Daria: "Who will keep the keepers themselves?" Ray: Well, I've done my own research, and Ms. Li hasn't been on the level with the students in this at all. A pair of those clippers that are used to conduct her unscheduled searches is indeed missing. And the person responsible did a very good job of covering his tracks. Daria: How so? Ray: We keep an inventory of all equipment here. (Hands Daria a printout.) This was the inventory on those clippers from just last week. (Hands her another printout.) And this is one from today. Notice anything peculiar? Daria: Yeah, on the new one, it says one of them was "loaned" to the Lawndale Police Department. Ray: Did some checking on that. The Lawndale PD has enough of those clippers already. Someone fudged the records to hide the fact that he or she stole that pair. Daria: So you're thinking inside job. Ray: Either that, or a disgruntled ex-employee with an axe to grind. Daria: This case is getting stranger by the moment. (We hear that jeering, teasing version of "La, la, LA, la la!" as wee see a widescreen shot of Daria noticing her boots are missing from her gym locker in slow-motion and in a purple tint with the "Daria" logo superimposed over it.) ================================================================ COMMERCIAL BREAK # 1 ================================================================ Announcer: On an all-new episode of "The Powerpuff Girls", MoJoJoJo steals Daria's brain so it can power his all-powerful "Deathbot" robot! (Cut to a scene in Daria's bedroom where MoJoJoJo is seen hovering above Daria with a saw as she's sleeping.) MoJoJoJo: With Daria's brain, my Deathbot robot will be invincible! (Cut to a scene where Helen is trying to wake Daria up.) Helen: Daria! Get your butt out of bed now! Time to go to school! (Close-up of Daria; her real brain's been replaced with a mechanical one. Helen sees it and screams.) (Cut to Jane shaking Helen.) Jane: Dammit, Helen! Where the Hell will you go? Where in this whole, wide world will you go to in order to find Daria's brain? Announcer: However, will MoJoJoJo get more than he bargained for? (Cut to a scene in Townsville where the Powerpuff Girls are losing badly to the Deathbot robot. Jane is watching all this when she notices the time.) Jane: Daria! Guess what time it is! (The Deathbot robot suddenly pauses, goes to a Jumbotron screen in the middle of town, whacks the side of it, and we now see "Sick, Sad World" on the Jumbotron. We see a shot of a miko, or Shinto priestess, undoing the obi, or sash of her hakama, or loose-fitting trousers, then a fast cut to her back as she drops the top of her robes.) SSW Announcer: By day, they perform the sacred rituals of Shinto; by night, they take it off, all off, at the Ginza! Stripteasing miko, coming up next on "Sick, Sad World"! Blossom: What the--? Bubbles: What is with this robot? Buttercup: Hey! Aren't you going to fight us? Deathbot: No, I'm going to go to Tahiti and order some coconut daiquiris. Announcer: It's all happening on the next all-new episode of "The Powerpuff Girls"! Wednesday nights at 8:00 PM Eastern, 7:00 PM Central, only on Cartoon Network! (Another commercial. We see a man banging a gong marked with the phrase "A J. Arthur Rank Enterprise." We now see some martial artists karate chop each other to the tune of "Kung Fu Fighting".) Announcer: On the next edition of "Karate Chop Theater", it's "Hong Kong Karate Madness"! It's two straight hours of nothing but ultra-violent, ultra fast martial arts action that makes "Street Fighter" look like sandlot baseball! (Show a scene where we see a street in Hong Kong filled with karate fighting.) Fighter # 1: HIIIIYYYYEEEAAAAAHHHHH! (He kicks the head off of his opponent, spurting blood everywhere.) Fighter # 2: YEEEAHHHH! (He elbows his opponent in the testicles.) (Suddenly, the Chinese People's Liberation Army arrives in tanks, Humvees, etc.) Soldier: Stop this now, or you will all face trial in Beijing and be executed! (The fighters stop what they're doing and now pursue the People's Liberation Army. The People's Liberation Army flees in terror.) Fighter # 3: Mind your own business, you Red idiots! Announcer: That's all happening in "Hong Kong Karate Madness"! It's our next film on "Karate Chop Theater"! Saturdays at 3:00 PM Eastern, 2:00 PM Central, only on this station! ================================================================ ACT MICROSOFT WORD VERSION 2.0 ================================================================ Scene 1: Pizza King, 3:30 PM Wednesday. Background music: the opening synthesizer riffs from "New" by No Doubt. ================================================================ (Daria and Jane are seen eating pizza.) Jane: So, let me get this straight now. The head custodian is convinced it was either an inside job or a disgruntled ex-employee who stole your boots? Daria: Yes, but as far as I know, I've never made any enemies with the custodial staff. Jane: You're right. This case is getting stranger by the minute. (We now see Molly Andrews, the girl Daria and Jane saved from being beaten up in the poem "A Girl Like Me", enter the pizzeria. She's about as tall as Daria was at her age, with auburn hair, glasses, a black T-shirt, a red skirt, red socks and black sneakers.) Molly: Yo, Daria, Jane! Jane: Yo! (Smirks sinisterly.) Daria: Hi, Molly. Molly: (Noticing Daria.) Daria, you look down in the dumps. Daria: Not more than usual. Jane: Someone stole her boots from her gym locker yesterday. (Daria gives Jane an icy stare.) Daria: You may not live the rest of this day, Lane. (Molly snickers over that.) Molly: Who would want to steal your boots? Jane: I'm afraid you're a bit too young to know what type of person may have done that. (Smirks sinisterly again.) Daria: This coming from someone who's admitted she's been sneaking her mother's copies of "Playgirl" since she was thirteen. (24) (We now see Quinn and the other members of the Fashion Club enter.) Quinn: There you are, Daria. (Noticing Molly.) Say, who's the girl there? Daria: Oh, that's just my friend Molly; Jane and I saved her from some bullies a while back. Molly, that's my cousin, Quinn. Quinn: (Practically shrieks.) DARIA! Daria: Now you know how it felt for me all these years. (Molly and Jane smirk sinisterly.) Actually, Quinn's my kid sister, Molly. Molly: I kind of figured that; the shriek gave that away. Daria: Those are her friends in the Fashion Club, of which Quinn is Vice-President; President Candy Kaine, Secretary/Treasurer Brittany Taylor, and Co-Ordinating Officer Tiffany Woo. Candy: On behalf of the Fashion Club, nice to meet you. (She extends her hand to Molly.) Hey, I won't bite, unlike Sandi did. Molly: Who's Sandi? Daria: I'll tell you that later on. (Molly and Candy shake hands. Cut to the outside, where we see Sandi walking past. She pauses to look, sighs, and goes on.) Sandi: Why did I mess up my life like I did? I know Daria and Stacy forgave me, (25) but unless Quinn and the others in the Fashion Club forgive me, I can never find true happiness. (She turns away, trying to hide the fact that she's crying. Suddenly, she bumps into someone. It turns out to be Evan, the track and field star Jane had befriended in "See Jane Run".) Evan: Hey, you're Sandi Griffin! Sandi: Uh, I got to go now. (She tries to walk away. Evan, however, stops her.) Evan: Hey, wait! You know, I've heard a lot about you. Sandi: You have? Evan: You know, I was a lot like you once. When Jane Lane joined the school track team, I was such a big-headed guy. I felt angry when I thought Jane used me after she quit the team. But then I began to realize that she had a point. Getting exempt from taking tests because I was a jock wasn't right. I finally quit the team myself. Now I've joined this new track team St. Luke's Lutheran Church put together. You know, kind of like the CYO, sort of. Sandi: Hey, my folks go to that church. Or at least they did. Evan: We're not part of the high school athletic conference; we're independent teams sponsored by local businesses, civic groups and places of worship. You know, you could make a good addition to the girls' team. Sandi: Huh? Evan: The Lawndale Bakery 5K Women's Run is coming up, and we could use someone like you as our team's official entry in the race. (26) Sandi: But I don't have the experience. Besides, those running outfits are kind of tacky. And wouldn't Jane Lane be a better contestant? Evan: Well, those hot new ones the women have been wearing at the Olympics are getting down to this level now. Besides, I could be your mentor, if you know what I mean. Sandi, I've had my eye on you for some time now. However, I never had the chance to approach you until now. I know you've been through a lot lately. But I want to give you the chance to heal. I don't know how I can say this without making myself feel like a fool, but I love you, Sandi. Sandi: (Tears welling up in her eyes.) You--you really mean it? Evan: Yes. Sandi: No one's ever said anything this nice to me in a long time. (She hugs Evan, and cries a bit. Evan wipes her tears away, then kisses her.) Evan: So, you want to join the team or what? Sandi: Count me in. Evan: Great! Our next practice will be this Saturday at 9:00 AM. (He now takes out a picture of a female track athlete; she's wearing a sky blue bikini-style running outfit.) By the way, that's what our girl's uniform looks like. Sandi: (Looking at the picture.) Stylish. Hey, thanks, Evan. I'll see you Saturday, then. (She waves good-bye at him, then walks down the street with new confidence.) Look out world, there's a new Sandra Elaine Griffin in town! (27) (Cut back to the inside of the pizzeria. Daria, Jane and Molly are still taking to the Fashion Club.) Quinn: Daria, we're going to make an emergency trip to Cranberry Commons. Want me to pick up a new pair of boots for you? Daria: (Sighs.) It's not just the same. Quinn: Daria, face the facts, your boots are gone! You're not going to get them back! Daria: I never told anyone this, Quinn, but on the outside hem of each boot is a little brass plate with my name and owner's serial number on them. That was a special deal the company that made the boots had. If they ever were stolen, that serial number could be helpful in getting them back. (Quinn is surprised. She never thought of that before.) Quinn: So, why not tell the police? Jane: They're too busy trying to bust the kids who steal $150 sneakers. Daria: And following up on all the allegations Ms. Li makes about most of the students and faculty. Molly: And all the punks who steal candy from babies. (Candy, Tiffany and Brittany actually chuckle over this. Quinn rolls her eyes.) Quinn: Daria, you really need some help. If you ever change your mind, let me know. We gotta run now. (She and the other Fashion Club members leave. They run into Sandi and notice she's happy.) Why, Sandi! This is a surprise. Why are you so happy? Sandi: Oh, I just am, Quinn. You know, I never got a chance to apologize to you and the other members of the Fashion Club for the way I acted these past few months. Quinn: Oh, perish the thought, Sandi. You just weren't in your right mind. Candy: If you continue making the progress you've been making, we might even reinstate you. You could be our fashion reporter and write articles for the"Lawndale Lowdown". Quinn: You know, back in Highland, Daria was the fashion editor for the school newspaper there. (Everyone goes wide-eyed over that revelation.) Sandi: Really, Quinn? Why didn't you tell us this in the first place? We could have used her for something like this. Quinn: Well, no one ever bothered to ask me, or her, for that matter. Besides, I don't think it's her cup of tea, anyway. Candy: To each her own, Quinn. Well, time to hit the mall. Care to join us, Sandi, for old time's sake? Sandi: Nah, I gotta do a term paper. Maybe next time. Quinn: Sure. Bye, Sandi. (She and the other Fashion Club members leave.) Sandi: Maybe there is hope for me yet. (Fast cut back to inside the pizzeria. Daria, Jane and Molly have seen what just happened.) Daria: Is it me, or has everyone been acting strangely lately? Jane: I think they put acid in the water here, Daria. Molly: Man, that would be a trip. (Daria and Jane groan, kind of sounding like that jeering note they play at the end of every bad pun on "Bullwinkle".) ================================================================ Scene 2: The Rathskeller, Main Street, Lawndale, 5:00 PM Wednesday. Background music: the opening synthesizer section of "Acid 8000" by Fatboy Slim. ================================================================ (We see the interior of the Rathskeller for the first time. It's a stone bar that's dimly lit, with stools covered in rococo leather. Mr. DeMartino is seen getting drunk on beer. The bartender, a tall, fat, muscular balding guy with a mustache, is looking at him, and shaking his head.) DeMartino: (With his right eye bulging out.) More BEER, please! Bartender: Tony, I think you've had enough. DeMartino: Who SAYS I've had ENOUGH! (The bartender flinches. We now see Jake enter the bar.) Jake: Hey, guys, Jakey's here! (Silence. He now notices DeMartino.) Hey, I remember you! You're the girl's social studies teacher! (He sits next to him.) You remember me, Jake, Morgendorffer, right? We met at Jim's Paintball Jungle. (28) My daughters Daria and Quinn have you in your class. DeMartino: Oh yes, I remember YOU now! (He pauses to calm down.) We had talked about our dads putting us in military school. Jake: Yeah, my Dad put in Buxton Ridge. (29) DeMartino: Mine put me in LaSalle Military Academy in Oakdale, New York. A roommate of mine was Pat Harrington. (30) Jake: Really? You were roommates with Schneider? I always did like him. "Always remember and never forget. . ." DeMartino: "Beware of Romanians bearing gifts." Jake: "I thought it was Greeks." DeMartino: "Greeks, Romanians, Hungarians, any of those nations where the men dance together!" (31) (They now both laugh.) Jake: I wonder what happened to the cast of that show? DeMartino: Other than Valerie Bertinelli getting lucky and landing that Eddie Van Halen guy, I don't know. Maybe they fell off the face of the earth, along with Ike Turner. Jake: A beer for me, please! DeMartino: Put it on my bill! Bartender: Why not stick it on your tab? You're one of the few good customers who always pays up weekly. DeMartino: Nah, this is too special. I'm paying for all this when I'm done, and I mean it! Bartender: Suit yourself. Jake: I know the missus is waiting for me back home, but I think I can blow some time here. Odds are she's going to be late at the law firm again and we'll have to nuke something up. ================================================================ Scene 3: The kitchen at the Morgendorffer residence, 5:30 PM Wednesday. Background music: the opening notes of the solo saxophone version of "Theme from 'One Day at a Time'" that played during the closing credits. ================================================================ (Daria goes to the refrigerator and sees a note attached to it. Quinn is right behind her.) Daria: It looks like every man for himself for dinner again, Quinn. Mom's going to be late at the law firm, so she says to microwave some frozen dinners that are in the fridge. Quinn: What's in there? Daria: (Opening the refrigerator to take a look.) Let's see, there's fried chicken, fish and chips, salisbury steak, meatloaf, chicken parmagiana, fettucini and chicken, Swedish meatballs and lasagna. Quinn: I am getting sick and tired of lasagna! Daria: Tell me about it. I think it caused the nightmare I had last night. Quinn: Nightmare? Daria: It featured a gigantic Nancy Sinatra wearing my boots stomping on me like an ant. Quinn: Maybe your conscience is telling you to give up looking for your boots. Daria: Quinn, I don't have a conscience. (32) Quinn: (Giggling.) Come on, Daria, you do. If you didn't, you would have kept the scene about my pores in that film you made about me. Daria: That I later restored when I submitted it to that "Sick, Sad World" contest? (33) Quinn: EWWWWW! (Daria smirks that Mona Lisa smile again.) Daria: Now that I've got that out of the way, what do you feel like having? Quinn: I'm just gonna have a salad. Gotta watch my figure, you know. Daria: I don't have a figure to worry about, so I'm going to have the meatloaf. (The doorbell sounds.) Quinn: I've got it, Daria! (She goes to the door and opens it. We see Molly, with black-and-blue marks all over her.) Molly: (Sniffing a bit.) Is Daria home? I really need to talk to her. Quinn: (Appalled at seeing Molly like this.) What happened to you? Molly: I'd rather tell Daria about it. Quinn: OK, OK, hold on. (To Daria.) Daria, that little girl you know wants to talk to you. (Daria now approaches Molly. She gasps when she sees the shape Molly is in.) Daria: Molly, what happened to you? Molly: My Daddy beat me up--for no reason! (She begins to cry. Daria kneels down to her and hugs her.) Daria: It's all right. You're safe here. No one's going to hurt you. Does your Mom know where you are? Molly: Mommy ran out after she saw what happened. I ran away myself, after my Daddy left me in my room. Daria: Don't you have any relatives nearby? Molly: All my relatives are back on Long Island. We moved to here two years ago. Please, Daria, can't I spend the night with you? Daria: I don't know. I have to see what my parents think. (We now suddenly see Helen enter the house, wearing a green pantsuit. [34]) Helen: Girls, I'm home. (She sees Molly.) Oh, my God! What happened to you? Molly: My Daddy beat me up! (She cries again.) Helen: Daria, who is this person? Daria: It's my friend, Molly. I saved her from some hoodlums who were beating her up. Helen: (To Molly.) Why did your Daddy do this to you? Molly: He was drunk, that's why! Helen: Don't worry, you're safe here. You can spend the night here if you want. Molly: Thank you. (She sniffs a bit.) Helen: Has anyone seen Dad around? Quinn: I haven't; I just returned from an emergency trip to Cranberry Commons along with the rest of the Fashion Club. Daria: I came home before Quinn, and I haven't seen him around. Helen: God, he's probably hanging around at the God-awful Rathskeller again! I'll be right back. (She departs, muttering something inaudible to herself.) Daria: Feel like having a frozen meal for dinner? Molly: Right now, that's worth a lot more to me than anything else in the world. Quinn: Daria, let me go to your room and get out that sleeping bag you keep for when Jane comes over for your Friday night sleepover. (She goes.) Daria: While you're at it, go to the attic and see if I still have my old bedclothes from when I was eight. That was when I began wearing a T-shirt and shorts to bed. Quinn: Right. (Heads up the stairs.) Daria: Molly, I can understand what you're going through. Something terrible happened to me when I was younger. Molly: What was that? Daria: When I was living in Highland, this hoodlum named Todd kidnapped me and sexually abused me. (35) It was a whole week of Hell for me. I still have nightmares over it. Molly: I didn't realize that about you, Daria. Daria: Molly, no one deserves what happened to you, or to me. People like us have got to stick together. That's what Amy says to me all the time. Molly: Who's Amy? Daria: Amy Barksdale's my aunt. One of these days, you should meet her. She writes a column for an alternative women's magazine called "Women's Real Issues" and is often a guest panelist on the PBS news program "To the Contrary". (36) She once saved me from being beaten up from punks when I was your age. (Quinn comes down the stairs.) Quinn: Everything's all set upstairs, Daria. Daria: Good. Let's eat dinner, huh? (Daria gently pats Molly on the cheek. Molly grins a little, at least.) (37) ================================================================ Scene 4: The Rathskeller, 5:45 PM. Background music: the opening guitar riffs from "I Drink Alone" by George Thorogood and the Delaware Destroyers. ================================================================ (Jake and DeMartino are pretty crocked by now, laughing like fools.) Jake: Yeah, but we got our revenge when we ran the commandant's boxers up the flagpole during our spring break in my junior year! (Laughs out loud.) (We now see someone enter the bar whom fans of "Beavis and Butt-Head" would immediately recognize: Highland High School science teacher Mr. Buzzcut. He goes up to the bar.) Buzzcut: Bartender, a beer, and make it on the double! (The bartender flinches in fear and proceeds to pour the beer.) DeMartino: Hey, he's got a stick up his ass! (Another drunken laugh.) Buzzcut: What did you just say to me, you maggot? (Notices Jake.) Well, well, well, if it isn't Jake Morgendorffer. I was wondering what happened to you and the rest of your loser family since you moved out of Highland. Jake: And for good reason. You were obnoxious as Hell. Buzzcut: Your two daughters were a big pain in the neck to me, especially your older one, Daria. I could never figure out why those two dolts Beavis and Butt-Head liked them so much. DeMartino: Beavis and Butt-Head? Who the Hell were they? Jake: You should know them, Tony. You sent Ms. Barch and Ami Mizuno after them when they kidnapped my daughter. (38) Buzzcut: Then, of course, she laughed along with the rest of the class the day I told those two not to laugh during a lecture on sex I was giving! (39) Jake: She actually laughed? Buzzcut: Yes, she did. God, why did they have to have my Marine Corps battalion reunion in this dump? Jake: God, I hate the military. My father put me in military school, the BASTARD! (He throws his glass to the floor; it breaks and scatters all over the place.) Bartender: Hey, watch it! Buzzcut: You making fun of our boys and girls in uniform, Mr. Morgendorffer? DeMartino: (With his right eye bulging out again.) I hated every MOMENT I was in MILITARY school MYSELF! Buzzcut: Maybe you should have put your daughters in there; it would have straightened them out. Jake: No way! I don't want them going through what I did! I'm not going back there--ever! (40) Buzzcut: You are yellow, Jake Morgendorffer! (Jake loses it, and punches out Buzzcut. DeMartino joins him in beating the crap out of him. We now see Helen entering the bar.) Helen: Jakey! What the Hell is going on here? (Two burly bouncers now approach and grab Jake, DeMartino and Buzzcut.) Bouncer # 1: All right, youse guys! Time to call it a night! Bouncer # 2: Yeah, and don't come back for awhiles! Helen: Jake, you'd better have a good explanation for this! Jake: Yeah--HIC!--I do--HIC!--Honey! HIC! HIC! HIC! HIC! HIC! (Helen leaves with the bouncers, Jake, DeMartino and Buzzcut.) ================================================================ Scene 5: Daria's bedroom, 12:30 AM Thursday. Background music: the opening guitar riffs from "Enter Sandman" by Metalica. ================================================================ (Daria and Molly are asleep. Daria is sleeping in her bed, while Molly is sleeping in the sleeping bag Daria has for when Jane spends the night. Molly is tossing and turning.) Molly: No, Daddy, stop! You're hurting me! (She wakes with a scream. Daria gets up, turns on the light, and goes to Molly.) Daria: Molly! Molly! It's all right! You're having a nightmare! (Molly now wakes up and cries. Daria hugs her. We see Jake, Helen and Quinn run into the room. Jake is wearing a pair of light blue pajamas, while Helen is wearing a pink nightgown and Quinn is wearing her yellow nightshirt with a bunny on it.) Helen: Daria, is everything all right? Daria: Molly had a nightmare. Helen: (Approaching Molly.) Was it about your Dad? Molly: (Sniffs a bit.) Yeah. Daria: It's OK, Molly. You're safe. Quinn: Molly, why does your Dad beat you up? Molly: He's drunk almost every night; he's been that way since he got laid off. (41) Helen: Something's got to be done about this. I'm going to go to see that Judge Feeder person about perhaps letting us take you in temporarily. (42) Molly: Thanks. I'm going to be all right now. Jake: Good night, Molly, kiddo. (Jake, Helen and Quinn now leave the room.) Molly: Daria, can I sleep with you in your bed for the rest of the night? I'm scared. Daria: Yeah, sure. (Daria climbs back into bed, with Molly following her.) It's only been a while since I could climb back into bed without that limp causing me pain. (43) (Molly snuggles next to Daria, who begins to stroke her hair.) Molly: Daria, I only wish I was as brave as you are. Daria: Molly, I'm not exactly fearless. There are things that scare me. Molly: Like what? Daria: Seeing my friends get hurt. If anything ever happened to Jane, Trent, Amy, or even you, I don't know how I could handle it. Molly: Daria, are you afraid of what could happen to me? Daria: I have nightmares myself at times; mainly about when Todd kidnapped me and when Sandi attacked me. Molly: Daria, do you cry? Daria: I cried when I saw Trent after I woke up from my coma; (44) I also cried when I saw my friend David McAllister being blown up for no other reason at all other than that he was a Special Education student who somehow lucked out and won the race for Student Government President. (45) Molly: Daria, I'm so afraid! (She begins to cry again. Daria hugs her.) Daria: You know, generally I don't like kids. (46) However, you're an exception. You remind me of myself when I was your age. You can stand up and fight for yourself. Tell you what I'm going to do. I'll ask my Mom if she can speak to your teacher about spending time with me at my school tomorrow. We're going to have a special class about self-defense in gym. Want to join me on that? Molly: Sure. (Grins a little.) Daria: OK. (Smirks her Mona Lisa smile.) Might as well go to sleep now. (Turns out the light.) Night, Molly. Molly: Night, Daria. And-- Daria: Yes? Molly: I like you; you're my best friend in the world. (They fall asleep.) ================================================================ Scene 6: Somewhere on Dega Street, Lawndale, 1:15 AM Thursday. Background music: the opening guitar riffs from "Aqualung" by Jethro Tull. Play the music through the end of the opening verse ("Sitting on a park bench"). ================================================================ (We see the ragged-looking homeless person who was lying on the sidewalk that the Fashion Club walked over in "The Old and the Beautiful" rummaging through a dumpster. He sees something rather unusual in there. He pulls it out, and we see that it's Daria's boots. He takes off the shot pair of shoes that he has and puts them on. Suddenly, a bright light is shone on his face. Cut to a pair of Lawndale police officers in a squad car, shining a light on him!) Officer # 1: Hey, you! Beat it! (The homeless person runs for it. He suddenly trips over someone. The person strongly resembles Aqualung himself.) Aqualung: Blimey! Watch where you're going! Homeless Man: Sorry! (He gets up and runs again.) (The officers are right behind him. Off-camera sound of someone being tackled to the ground.) Officer # 2: (Off-camera.) You're under arrest for loitering and illegally rifling a dumpster! ================================================================ Scene 7: The Lawndale Jail, (47) 1:30 AM Thursday. ================================================================ (We see the homeless man in a jail cell now, the boots he was wearing have been confiscated. Cut to the front desk, as the officers are looking over the boots. Officer # 1 notices something.) Officer # 1: Hey, there's a little brass plate on these boots! They say that they belong to Daria Morgendorffer. Officer # 2: Say, isn't she that "Misery Chick" who lives over on Glen Oaks Lane? Officer # 1: Yeah, I think so. Officer # 2: I think during tomorrow night, when we're on our next shift, we'll stop by and give them to her. Officer # 1: Yeah, let's do that. I bet she's awfully worried about them. ================================================================ Scene 8: A sidewalk somewhere in Lawndale, 7:15 AM Thursday. Background music: the piano bridge from "Standing Outside a Broken Phone Booth with Money in My Hand" by the Primitive Radio Gods. ================================================================ (Daria, Jane and Molly are walking down the sidewalk. Daria is seen wearing the black T-shirt and jeans combo she wore in "The Road Worrier" along with the brown B&B boots, while Molly is wearing a white T-shirt, a red skirt, white socks and black sneakers. Jane is wearing something a bit different herself, due to it being so hot near the end of the school year: a red T-shirt, sans her usual red jacket, her usual black shorts, sans the black pantyhose and a pair of white sneakers. ) Daria: (Depressed.) Jane, I miss my boots. Jane: Let's face it, Daria. Unless some big break happens, you're not going to get them back. Molly: (Hoping to cheer Daria up a little.) I can't wait for that martial arts class! (Daria is still depressed. The Fashion Club now walks by, and can't help but notice.) Tiffany: Quinn, your sister is so depressed over losing those boots. This is scary. Brittany: It's like I've never seen her this depressed in my life. Of course, she's always depressed, (Begins to twirl her finger around her hair.) but never this depressed. It's like she might kill herself at any moment. Quinn: Brittany, Daria may be depressed, but she thinks suicide is for dummies. Tiffany: I heard rumors she kept a looped belt in her closet, just in case. (48) Quinn: Don't be silly, Tiffany. All Daria has in there other than her clothes is some violent poetry carved out on the interior walls with a key that the crazy mother of the previous owners of our house had made when she was living in there. (49) Candy: Well, something's got to be done to cheer Daria up. Quinn: Just give me a chance to formulate a plan, Candy. Candy: She's your sister, Quinn. Do what you feel is best. (We now see Sandi walking with Evan, holding hands. Sandi is actually laughing, then we see her kiss Evan.) Quinn: Guys, did you see that? Candy: I see it, but I don't believe it. Quinn: Sandi is in love with Evan? This I find hard to believe. Tiffany: This is getting weirder by the moment, guys. Brittany: MMMMM, maybe I ought to check my vision. I just might need glasses like Daria does. (Everyone looks at Brittany funny, who just shrugs. We now hear that frantic synthesizer version of "La, la, la, LAAAA, la, la, la, la, LAAAAA, la!" as we see a widescreen version of the scene where the homeless man discovers Daria's boots in a dumpster in slow-motion and in a purple tint with the "Daria" logo superimposed over it.) ================================================================ COMMERCIAL BREAK # 2 ================================================================ Announcer: On the next "Celebrity Deathmatch", see former New York City Mayor and now ex-judge of "The People's Court", Ed Koch, take on the original "People's Court" judge himself--as well as the presiding judge of the Animal Planet channel's "Animal Court"--Joseph Wapner! (Show a clip of Koch and Wapner fighting.) Koch: (Waving at the crowd.) How am I doing? Wapner: Lousy, you punk! (He punches Koch in the groin.) Announcer: Also, see Judge Judy take on Associate Supreme Court Justice Sandra Day O'Connor! (Show a clip of Judge Judy and O'Connor fighting.) Judge Judy: I scarf down people like you for a midnight snack! (She broadsides O'Connor.) O'Connor: Oh, yeah! (She knees Judge Judy in the groin.) Announcer: Finally, it's a tag team battle of the critics as "Today Show" movie critic Gene Shallatt and "Chicago Tribune" movie critic Roger Ebert take on Long Island "Newsday" TV critic Marvin Kitman and Jeffrey Lyons, the film critic for New York City's WB Network affiliate, WPIX-TV! (Show the Shallatt/Ebert team fighting the Kitman/Lyons team.) Kitman: I'm not ashamed to admit I like "Bullwinkle"! (Knees Ebert.) Ebert: Oh, yeah? I gave "Thumbs Up" to BOTH "Akira" AND "Ghost in the Shell"! (Punches Kitman out.) Shallatt: You two-bit imitation of me! (Tweaks Lyons' nose.) Lyons: Oh, yeah? (Tugs at Shallatt's mustache.) Announcer: That's all happening on the next all-new episode of "Celebrity Deathmatch"! Thursday nights at 10:00 PM Eastern, 9:00 PM Central, only on MTV! (Another commercial. It's in black-and-white and looks like one of those 1930's gangster movies. We see someone walking down the street. The caption below him says "'Parched Face' Simone". He's going to his car when all of a sudden, we see Daria approach him.) Daria: Parched Face, my employer has a message for you. Parched Face: Yeah, whats does he wants? Daria: This! (Suddenly, she whips out a can of Citra(r) soda. "Parched Face" cringes in fear.) Parched Face: NOOOOOOO! ANYTHING BUT CITRA(r)! (Daria opens the can and forces open the mouth of "Parched Face". She makes him drink the soda. For good measure, she kicks him in the testicles, sending him howling.) Announcer: Watch out, thirst! There's a new soda in town, and it has your name written all over it! Curiously crisp Citra(r) soda. No thirst is safe! Daria: (Turning to "Parched Face" as she walks away.) Just be lucky I didn't stick a horse's head in your bed--this time! ================================================================ ACT WINDOWS 3.1.1 ================================================================ Scene 1: Lawndale High Gym, 11:30 PM Thursday. Background music: the opening guitar riffs from "Lakini's Juice" by Live. ================================================================ (The girls' gym class is about to get underway. Daria, Jane, Stacy, Tiffany, Brittany, Sandi, Candy, Andrea, Jodie, the cheerleader who smacked Upchuck are all here, as well as Molly. Ms. Morris is here, along with Ms. Barch in her karate uniform. Also here is a good-looking man with brown hair and brown eyes, also in a karate uniform.) Morris: OK, class. I've arranged for Darian Kenwood from the Lawndale Martial Arts School to be here today, as well as our own Ms. Barch, to teach you some basic self-defense skills. Darian: Hi, ladies. Stacy: (Gushing.) Man, isn't he so cute! Daria: (To Jane.) Well, I guess there are some things that won't change with her. Jane: Hey, cut her some slack, Daria. We were there for her when she was fighting bulimia. (50) Barch: All right, ladies, let's begin. Rule number one of any self-defense training is that all men are scum! Darian: Actually, it is to use your opponent's strength against him. Barch: Who asked you, you man? (Darian scowls.) Molly: This is going to be interesting. Daria: Yeah, it should. (Smirks that Mona Lisa smile.) Barch: The first thing we're going to learn is to go for the knockout blow right away! And, of course, the best way to do that is--THIS! (She kicks Darian in the testicles. Darian howls in pain.) Jane: I'm beginning to like this class already! (Smirks sinisterly.) Barch: All right, ladies, now do exactly like I did! (Darian grimaces as the class lines up. He screams "AAAAAAA!" and runs away.) I'll be right back, ladies. It seems typical for men to turn tail when their bravado is exposed for being as worthless as it is. If worst comes to worst, I'll bring Mack back here. (Leaves the gym.) Morris: Well, that was interesting. In the meantime, I can show you a few basic maneuvers. Daria: Dammit, and I wanted so bad to kick that guy in the balls! Jane: You may get your chance soon enough. (Smirks sinisterly.) (We now see Ray enter the gym.) Ray: Daria? I think I might have the break we've been looking for. Daria: Really? Ray: Meet me at my office after this class lets out and I'll show you. (Daria gives a puzzled look to Jane, who just shrugs her shoulders.) ================================================================ Scene 2: Somewhere along Glen Oaks Lane, 12:00 PM Thursday. Background music: the opening guitar riffs from "Fly Away" by Lenny Kravitz. ================================================================ (The officers who had apprehended the homeless man from Act 2, Scene 6 are seen driving down the street toward the Morgendorffers' house. Officer # 1 is at the wheel while Officer # 2 has a box with Daria's boots in them.) Officer # 1: It's a good thing we decided to try and see if someone's home at the Morgendorffer place before we tried the school. Officer # 2: Yeah, probably someone's there. Maybe they've got a maid or a butler. (They now pull up to the house.) They seem to live in a fancy enough house. (They get out of the cruiser and go to the door. Officer # 1 rings the doorbell. No answer. But, by some strange coincidence, Jake's Lexus(tm) can be seen heading from the opposite direction. He stops at the side of the road, gets out of the car, and approaches the officers.) Jake: (Accusingly.) What are you coppers doing here? Officer # 1: We can explain, if you just calm down. Jake: Dammit, it's about all those unpaid traffic tickets on the refrigerator door, isn't it? (51) Officer # 2: Huh? Jake: Well, I'll show you! (He goes to the front door, unlocks it, and goes inside. The puzzled officers follow him in as Jake grabs the tickets off the refrigerator door, then goes to his jacket, takes out his checkbook, sits down at the kitchen table, adds up the tickets, and writes a check for the tickets.) I had taken some time off from my business to take care of some matters, and I do intend to take this to City Hall and give it to the City Clerk in person! You can't touch me now, coppers! YOU HEAR ME? YOU CAN'T TOUCH ME! (Laughs maniacally.) Officer # 1: Mr. Morgendorffer, we weren't here for the tickets. We were here because we found your daughter Daria's boots in the possession of a homeless person last night. Jake: (Realizing what an idiot he's become.) Dammit, why didn't you say that in the first place? Officer # 2: We were, but you jumped to conclusions before we could speak. Officer # 1: Can we arrest him for the unpaid tickets? Officer # 2: Well, we saw him cut the check, and he made a good faith promise to stop by City Hall and pay them. Therefore, we can't touch him. Officer # 1: Aw, man! How am I gonna meet my monthly quota? Officer # 2: We could hang around the City Park and hassle litterers. Officer # 1: (Brightening up at that.) Yeah, that's the ticket! No pun intended, of course. Officer # 2: Here's your daughter's boots. (Hands the box to Jake. He opens them.) Jake: Yeah, they're my kiddo's boots, all right. Both Officers: "Kiddo"? Jake: (Blushing with embarrassment.) Well, it's a long story. Officer # 1: Take some advice from me, huh? Lighten up! You'll live longer! Jake: My kiddo's going to be so happy to have these boots back. Officer # 2: Whatever. (Aside to Officer # 1.) Let's get out of here before he causes us to go nuts! Officer # 1: Right. (To Jake.) Have a nice day, Sir. (The officers depart.) Jake: Daria is going to be so happy about this! I think I'll drive up to the school and give them to her. ================================================================ Scene 3: The hallway at Lawndale High, 12:30 PM Thursday. Background music: the opening horns from "Army" by Ben Folds Five. ================================================================ (Quinn and the other members of the Fashion Club are gathered at Quinn's locker.) Candy: So, Quinn, how are you going to cheer up Daria? Quinn: It's all right in here. (She opens the locker. Point of view from the inside of the locker. Everyone looks in. Tiffany has a look of shock on her face.) Tiffany: Quinn, you wouldn't! Quinn: I've done it before. Just give me a few minutes inside the ladies' room. ================================================================ Scene 4: The ladies' room at Lawndale High. 12:33 PM Thursday. Background music: "We Do, Wie Du" from The Monks plays throughout this scene. ================================================================ (We see Quinn enter with a canvas bag. She pauses at a sink and washes off her makeup. She now enters a bathroom stall with the bag. Cut to the floor as we see her toss her shoes and jeans there. Cut to her straightening the hem of what looks like a skirt. Cut to the floor again as we now see her smiley-face T-shirt tossed there. Cut to her zipping up a jacket. Cut now to her putting on the pair of reading glasses she keeps at her bedstead. [52] Pan cut of Quinn from her feet to her head as we see what she's done. She's dressed up as Daria, with the boots, skirt, jacket, T-shirt and even the glasses. Quinn goes to a mirror.) Quinn: (Trying to affect Daria's deadbeat monotone voice.) Hi. I'm Quinn. Go to Hell. Perfect. (Smirks a little Mona Lisa smile just like Daria does.) If this doesn't snap Daria out of it, I don't know what will. (We now see the rest of the Fashion Club enter the room. Tiffany lets out a gasp.) Tiffany: Quinn, you didn't! That's how you were dressed for the Fashion Club's "Fashion Don'ts Costume Gala"! (53) Quinn: Tiffany, if we're going to get Daria back to her old self, we've got to give her a shock to the system! Candy: I think it just might work. (Smiles and gives a "thumbs-up" to Quinn.) ================================================================ Scene 5: Head custodian's office, Lawndale High, 12:45 PM Thursday. Background music: the opening synthesizer riffs from "I Can't Help Falling in Love with You" by UB40. ================================================================ (We see Ray's office again. We see a bank of TV screens in one area. Ray and Daria are watching something.) Ray: I overlooked this at first, but now it makes sense. This was taken a couple of weeks ago. About Noon or so, someone entered the main custodial supply room and took a pair of clippers. I remember that was the same day I fired someone due to doing a sloppy job mopping up the cafeteria. He refused to do it over again, so I canned him. Daria: So, you're saying that he took a pair of clippers and stole my boots in order to get even with your firing him? Ray: Yeah, I think so. And, as I said before, Ms. Li wasn't on the level at the assembly. There's been a rash of thefts in the school since this person was fired. She hadn't acknowledged anything until your boots had been stolen. (He produces some papers.) Let's see--Mr. O'Neill said that his lava lamp was lifted. (54) Nurse Chase said a supply of hypodermic needles was stolen from her office. The cafeteria said that a whole week's supply of chickens was heisted. All the same MO: The lock was clipped. Daria: And odds are, the guy's going to strike again. Ray: The only questions are: Where and when? ================================================================ Scene 6: The hallway, 1:00 PM Thursday. ================================================================ (Daria, Jane and Molly are seen going down the hall.) Jane: So, all we have to do is catch the suspect in the act and we can get your boots back. Daria: Ray and I figured out something. The suspect's been using a pattern. He seems to be going around the building in a counterclockwise circle. If the patters fits, the next target will be. . . Jane: Ms. Li's office. But that place is more secure than Fort Knox. Daria: Don't worry; Ray assures me he's got a plan. Jane: Famous last words. . . (We now see a sudden look of shock on Daria's face.) Daria: Oh, my God. . . Jane: Daria, what is it? Daria: Look for yourself. (Jane looks, and her jaw drops. Cut to a shot of the Daria-fied Quinn.) Quinn: Hi, Sis. If you don't mind, I got to go to the library and study a bit. I might also call Trent and ask him if I can go to the Mystik Spiral concert this Saturday night. Gotta go! (She turns to go.) Daria: Quinn, wait! (She runs up to her.) Quinn, what Hell are you doing? Quinn: I'm trying to snap you out of your doldrums, that's what. You've been moping around ever since your boots got stolen. Daria: Quinn, this isn't about vanity. This is about my self-identity, how I feel about myself. Jane: Methinks I'm going to have to deal with the talking toilet again before this is over. (55) (We now see Jake approach his daughters from behind.) Jake: There you are, kiddo! Guess what the police found for you! Your boots! (He now notices something funny.) Uh, Daria, when did you lighten your hair? (Quinn now turns around, blushing with embarrassment.) Quinn: (Shrieking.) DAD, IT'S ME, QUINN!!!!! (Jake flinches.) Jake: OOPS! Daria: Now I'm going to lock myself in the bathroom. (She goes, but Jane collars her.) Jane: Not so fast there, kemosabe. First you gotta get your boots back. Jake: Here you go, kiddo. (He hands the box to Daria, who opens it. She sees that it is indeed the boots. That Mona Lisa smile creeps up on her face now.) Daria: How did they manage to find them? Jake: The cops said they found some homeless man with them. Daria: I think the homeless man is innocent. We think we know who did it, and why. Jake: Huh? Daria: No time to explain. Come on, everyone. We've got to go to Ms. Li's office. (Daria leads the way, with the others following her.) ================================================================ Scene 7: Ms. Li's office, 1:10 PM Thursday. Background music: the charging guitar bridge from "Bullet with Butterfly Wings" by the Smashing Pumpkins. ================================================================ (We now see Ms. Li at her desk. Suddenly, we see someone enter. He's a scruffy man with brown hair, green eyes, and wearing a red T-shirt, jeans and workman's boots.) Li: Who's there? (She looks up, then gasps.) It's you! Man: Yeah, it's me. Bet you didn't tell the class about my little string of thefts. Don't want to upset the kiddies now, right? You've got them so brainwashed it's appalling. Well, now I'm going to take my next item off my list: All the security codes you keep in your desk drawer. Li: I'd rather die than to have those fall into the wrong hands! Man: Which ones: The students you oppress, or my buddies in the robbery trade? (He now pulls out a gun.) We can make this easy, or we can make this hard. You stand aside while I take this pair of clippers (He now produces them.) and cut off the lock from your desk. Li: If you do this, I swear to God I won't rest until you're rotting away in jail! Man: Make my day! (He puts his finger around the trigger. Ms. Li can actually be seen cringing in fear. Cut to the door being opened, and we see Daria and the others there. Looks of shock on their faces. The man turns around and sees Ray.) YOU! Ray: Greg, why'd you do it? Greg: Because I wanted the whole school to pay for you firing me, that's what! This place is run like a armed camp! Daria: You won't get any arguments from me about that. (Ms. Li scowls over that.) Greg: So what better way to end my string of thefts in this place than to heist the security codes from the commandant herself. You're going to pay for ordering your flunky to fire me, you bitch! Li: That was not by my orders that you were fired, mister. That was the head custodian's decision alone. Greg: You know what, I don't give a damn! (He now aims at Ms. Li. Sudden cut to a rather familiar boot going into his testicles, sending him howling as he drops the gun. Fast cut to Quinn, who's standing over him now.) Daria: Quinn, I can't believe this! (Quinn takes the gun away from Greg. We now see the officers who arrested the homeless man enter.) Officer # 1: All right, mister, you're under arrest for multiple counts of robbery! (He slaps the cuffs on Greg.) You have the right to remain silent. . .(They lead him away. Daria, however, stops them to talk to Greg.) Daria: Greg, why did you take my boots? Greg: I wanted to teach them all a lesson. I didn't know it was your boots. Daria: How come you gave them to some homeless man? Greg: I threw them out in some dumpster in Dega Street. How some homeless man got them, I don't know. Daria: What about all the other things you stole? Greg: They're at my apartment. Officer # 1: OK, let's go. Should you give your right to remain silent. . .(The officers and Greg leave.) Li: (Recovering from her experience.) Ms. Morgendorffer, I owe you my life. Is there anything I can do for you? Quinn: Perhaps cutting my sister Daria and her friend Jane some slack would be nice. I think there's the matter of how you and Mr. O'Neill doctored their picture for the state arts competition that I don't think you ever apologized for. (56) Then there was the rather humiliating incident where you had Ms. Morris make them wave pom-poms after Jane quit the track team. (57) Then you accused Daria for stealing money from the Book Fair some time ago. (58) Need I go on? (Ms. Li swallows hard.) Li: (Realizing that she isn't exactly in a position to welch on her promise.) Uh, of course, how rude of me not to have done anything like that. (Turns to Daria and Jane.) Ms. Morgendorffer, Ms. Lane, I formally apologize for everything I've done to you two. Daria: Apology accepted--contingent on your stopping your efforts to bust our chops. Li: Of course, of course. Jane: You're all witnesses to this now, right? (They all nod their heads.) OK, Ms. Li, we accept. But the good people of Lawndale will be watching. (Smirks evilly.) Daria: I think we'll take our leave now. (She and the others depart, leaving Ms. Li alone. Li: (Closing her eyes and putting her hand to her forehead.) Dear God in Heaven, what have I gotten myself into? ================================================================ Scene 8: The hallway, 1:15 PM Thursday. ================================================================ (Daria, Jane, Quinn, Candy, Tiffany, Brittany, Jake, Ray and Molly are walking down the hallway.) Daria: I can't believe you stuck your neck out for us like you did, Quinn. Quinn: Daria, I told you I'm a changed person now. After seeing you in the hospital after Sandi's attack on you, it made me realize how rotten I was. (59) Jane: You should have had her apologize for her bribing Judge Reinhardt's fixing the talent competition during Lawndale Days. (60) (Smirks evilly.) Jake: Glad to have your boots back, kiddo? Daria: Yes. But there are a couple of loose ends I want to tie up on this. (Jake gives Daria a puzzled look.) ================================================================ Scene 9: The Lawndale Jail, 3:30 PM Thursday. Background music: the opening piano bars from "Song for the Dumped" by Ben Folds Five. ================================================================ (We see Daria and Jane approach the cell of the homeless person. Also with them is Claire Defoe, the arts teacher, and a guard. Daria is seen with a box.) Guard: (Opening the cell door.) All right, mister, the owner of the boots you found in the dumpster has decided not to press charges, therefore the DA's going to drop all charges in this case. You're free to go. (The homeless man steps out of the cell.) Homeless Man: (To Daria.) Are you the person whose boots I had? Daria: Yes. Just to show that there's no hard feelings, I want you to have this. (She hands the box to the man. He opens it, and he sees that they're Daria's old Beavis and Butt-Head brown boots.) Homeless Man: Bless you, child. (He hugs Daria, who winces a bit.) Daria: When was the last time you took a bath? Defoe: The authorities have released you to my custody. You can stay with me until we find some relatives. Homeless Man: I do have a grown son in Detroit. I could contact him. Are you sure you don't mind? Jane: Hey, she takes in some of her old college classmates all the time; she doesn't mind. (61) Homeless Man: How can I ever repay all of you for your kindness? Daria: Taking a shower when you get to Ms. Defoe's place can be thanks enough. (She pinches her nose.) Come on, Jane, let's go home. (Daria and Jane leave. The homeless man looks puzzledly at Ms. Defoe, who can only shrug her shoulders in reply.) ================================================================ Scene 10: The living room at the Morgendorffer residence, 4:00 PM Thursday. ================================================================ (Jane is hanging out on the couch, watching "Sick, Sad World". We see a shot of the Doc Martens-worshipping cult from Outbitched being led away in handcuffs.) SSW Announcer: The Doc Martens-worshipping cult's been busted by the FBI! Shocking footage coming up, next on "Sick, Sad World". Jane: Rats! And I wanted to join them! (We now hear footsteps heading downstairs. Jane gets up and goes to the foot of the steps. We now see Quinn, back in her familiar smiley-face T-shirt and jeans, while Daria is back in her familiar green field jacket, brown T-shirt, black knee-length pleated skirt and--most important of all--those black Doc Martens boots.) Jane: So, how does it feel to have the old boots back, Daria? Daria: Like Superman getting his cape back. Jane: I know a few phone booths you can use if you have to. (Smirks evilly.) Daria: Watch it, Lois! Quinn: Well, I'm just happy that things can return to normal around here. (Jake and Helen enter, with Molly.) Helen: Girls, I've got something exciting to tell you all. We spoke to Judge Feeder, and she's going to give us temporary custody of Molly pending a court hearing of her home situation. Molly: Isn't that great, Daria? I get to stay with you for a while longer! (Daria and Jane smirk sinisterly, while Quinn has a look of shock on her face.) Quinn: But, Mom, Dad, I thought you didn't want to have another kid! Helen: I said I didn't want to become pregnant, dear; I never said I didn't want to have another child, one way or the other. Quinn: But, but, when Cupid hit you with his love taser. . . Daria: Quinn, you haven't been reading my literary journal in my room now, have you? I made that whole story up for that. (62) (Quinn has a guilty look on her face.) Quinn: Well, er, um, er, uh. . .(Suddenly, she hugs Molly.) It's going to be nice having you here! (Daria and Jane smirk sinisterly to each other, having won a small victory over Quinn.) ================================================================ Scene 11: the same, 7:30 PM Friday. ================================================================ (Jake and Helen are watching TV. Quinn is seen putting on some lipstick as she gets ready for a date with Jamie.) Quinn: Jamie's going to be here any minute, Mom, Dad. Jake: I hope you have a nice time today, dear. Where are you going, anyway? Quinn: We decided to tone it down a bit. We're going to go to the local Burger World, (63) then we're going to see "Star Wars: Episode 1: The Phantom Menace". Helen: I hope you have a nice time, dear. (The doorbell rings. Quinn goes to the door and sees it's Jamie.) Jamie: Ready to go there, Quinn? (We now hear the opening guitar riffs from "What Do You Want from Me?" from Monaco playing. The song plays through to the end of the closing credits.) Daria: (Off-camera.) Wait for me. (Quinn and Jamie look, and their mouths are open in shock. Fast cut to Daria, done up as Quinn just like she was in the climatic scene from "Quinn the Brain".) Quinn: Oh, no, Daria! Not again! Daria: Well, I needed some measure of revenge for you snooping into my literary journal. (Smirks that Mona Lisa smile again.) (We now cut to the alter egos. They include: Daria as Nurse Dixie McCall from "Emergency"!; Kevin as Twinky-Winky from "Teletubbies"; Quinn as a "RollerJam" contestant; Ms. Li as Luxana Troi from "Star Trek: The Next Generation"; Mr. DeMartino as Dirty Harry; Mr. O'Neill as Beetle Bailey, Ms. Barch as the Scarlet Witch from the Avengers; Brittany as Diane Chambers from "Cheers"; Sandi as Rogue of the X-Men and Candy as female heavy metal performer Lita Ford. The "Daria" logo is shown as the closing credits end. Fade to a scene where we see sweaty hands over a piece of gray metal as an ominous timpani drumroll can be heard in the background. The left hand is holding a gray die while the right hand is holding a sledgehammer with a black head and a yellow handle. The hammer hits into the die twice, with a loud "CLANG!" each time. However, at the second time, the hammer hits into the thumb, causing it to redden and swell. The person holding the hammer and die drops them, and turns around in the direction of the audience. It's none other than the author of the story: a man with blue eyes and brown curly hair. He grabs his left hand and screams "OUCH! I HIT MYSELF WITH THE !@#$%^& HAMMER!" He walks away as we see that a red computer zero [a zero with a slash through it] has been chiseled into the metal. Above the zero is the word "MARK", in white Roman lettering. Below the zero is the words "FAN FICTION," also in white Roman lettering. Below that is the word "UNLIMITED", also in white Roman lettering. Fade to black.) ================================================================ ENDNOTES ================================================================ (1) I revealed Ms. Morris' first name as Samantha in "Return of the Lawndale Militia".--Gen. Peter. (2) I have to admit it's kind of my tip of the hat to C. E. Forman's Judge Reinhardt, who accepted a bribe in order to fix the Lawndale Days' talent show in C. E.'s "Rain on Your Parade/Quinntet".--Judge Dredd Peter. (3) I let the background color for the first story arc in the "Daria: the OAV's" series be yellow; I'm using orange for the second story arc.--Your Co-Ordinating Officer, Peter. (4) Mr. DeMartino found that out to his regret in the "New Kid" episode! --Kung Fu Fightin' Peter. (5) Well, is Candy Kaine a lesbian? This is something that's going to be explored further until at least "The Mighty Daria the Harmonicist" or "One Band Town 2: Blake's Revenge". Just keep it locked here for further developments!--Gender-Bender Peter. (6) I don't know if your school does this, but back when I was in high school, the policy was that only Master(tm) locks were allowed on gym lockers; if you used another brand lock, they clipped it off. If your school has this policy, E-mail me at markzero@zdnetmail.com and let me know!--Constable Peter. (7) See the episode "Through a Lens Darkly" for details!--Bespectacled Peter. (8) Daria and Jane had that discussion in "Outbitched".--Recap Peter. (9) I gave Jane that middle name in "Return of the Lawndale Militia". --Gen. Peter. (10) In "Outbitched", Candy was elected the new Fashion Club President after the Student Government removed Sandi from the position, while Brittany was made a member.--Recap Peter. (11) That happened in C. E. Forman's "Good-bye, Diarrhea".--The Seven Guerintini Brothers Moving and Storage. (12) See the episode "The Old and the Beautiful" for details. --Old Man Peter. (13) Daria made that remark in her comments about the Taylor family in "The Daria Database".--Photogenic Peter. (14) Daria saw that report in "Outbitched".--Sick, Sad Peter. (15) Daria mentions about "CyberKron" in "The Daria Database" while "Cannibal Fragfest" was mentioned in "The New Kid". --Peter Nukem ("Your face, your ass, what's the difference!"). (16) Who could ever forget that immortal moment from "Quinn the Brain"! --Ooo-la-la Peter. (17) That happened in C. E. Forman's "B&B" fic "Magic".--Peter Blackstone. (18) Check out C. E. Forman's "Good-bye, Diarrhea" for details. --U-Haul Peter. (19) That happened in "Through a Lens Darkly".--Bespectacled Peter. (20) Jane had said the same thing in Outbitched.--Déjà Vu Peter. (21) Check out the map in "The Daria Diaries" for where it is; also, Jake, Helen and Quinn played there in C. E. Forman's "Driven Wild". --Peter Woods. (22) That joke was from the "Police Squad!" episode that also featured the line "No sax before a fight."--Lt. Peter Drebin. (23) The Rathskeller is the bar Jake sometimes hangs out in; check out the Morgendorffers' budget sheets in "The Daria Database" for details. --Peter Malone. (24) Jane admitted to that in "No Nudes is Good Nudes".--Peter Piccasso. (25) Daria forgave Sandi in "Outbitched" while Stacy forgave her in "My Stupid Date with Destiny".--Total Recall Peter. (26) This is setting things up for my upcoming story, "Marathon Woman", where Jane enters the race in order to silence Ms. Morris once and for all that her family isn't all slackers-Peter Fixx. (27) I revealed Sandi's full name in "Karen Carpenter Blues". --Summarizing Peter. (28) Jake and DeMartino met in the episode "The Daria Hunter". --Gen. Peter. (29) The name of the military school Jake was put into was revealed in "The Daria Diaries".--Cadet Peter. (30) Yes, THE Pat Harrington who played Duane Schneider on "One Day at a Time" and who voiced Inspector Cleuseau on the "Pink Panther" cartoons. The facility--once operated by the Christian Brothers order and now being taken over by nearby Dowling College--can also boast for alumni retired Los Angeles Dodgers manager Tommy Lasorda, late Nicaragua dictator Anastazia Somoza and former Suffolk County Executive (now New York State Supreme Court Judge) Peter F. Cohalan.--Commandant Peter. (31) That was an actual joke from "One Day at a Time" I slipped in there. --Peter Romano. (32) Daria said the same thing on the "Monster" episode.--Warner Peter ("Let's go to the videotape!"). (33) Read "Sick, Sad Burbank" for details!--Looney Tunes Peter. (34) That's my tip of the hat to Walter J. Jones, who had Helen buy such a suit in his story "Daria's Tears".--Peter de la Renta. (35) Daria made that revelation in "Triumph of the 'Retart'", and it was looked at in further detail in My Stupid Date with Destiny.--Recap Peter. (36) Amy's jobs were described in "Karen Carpenter Blues".--Peter Breslin. (37) More about Molly's abuse and her abusive father will be revealed in "The Greatest Hurt of All".--Smacking Peter. (38) That happened in "The Misery Senshi Neo-Zero Double Blitzkrieg Debacle".--Bishônen Senshi Sailor Peter. (39) That happened in the "Beavis and Butt-Head" episode "No Laughing". --Peter (MHEH-HEHHEHHEHHEHHEHHEH!) Guerin (UH-HUHHUHHUHHUHHUHHUHHUH!) (He said "Peter"!). (40) The issue will be brought up again in the upcoming two-part story arc "Send Up the Academy"/"Saving Cadet Morgendorffer", where Jake attends a class reunion and unwittingly signs up Daria for classes there, as well as his addressing his unresolved issues with his late father.--Cadet Peter. (41) Molly mentioned that in "A Girl Like Me".--Poetic Peter. (42) Judge Feeder was introduced in "No Nudes is Good Nudes". --Chief Justice Peter. (43) Daria had been left with a temporary limp in her left leg due to Sandi's attack on her in "Outbitched".--Peter Guerin (who is not a doctor, and does not even play one on TV). (44) That happened in "Outbitched".--Nasty Peter. (45) That was the rather "explosive" (no pun intended) conclusion to "Triumph of the 'Retart'".--TNT Peter. (46) Daria admitted that in the "Pinch Sitter" episode. --Baby-sitting Peter. (47) The Lawndale Jail was introduced in "Triumph of the 'Retart'". --Warden Peter. (48) That's my tip of the hat to Ivanova and Tony Mather's "Ragged Denim", where everyone thinks Daria is suicidal--Morbid Peter (who inadvertently started a flame war over this story back at the old Planet Daria Message Board and would like to take the time to apologize to everyone he might have hurt over it). (49) Check out the description of Daria's room in "The Daria Diaries" for details.--Peter Sugarbaker. (50) If you haven't read "Karen Carpenter Blues" yet, please do so! --Shameless Plug Peter. (51) Check out the Morgendorffer's refrigerator door for Jake's tickets in "The Daria Database".--Officer Peter, HFPD. (52) Check out Quinn's room in "The Daria Diaries" for details! --Bespectacled Peter. (53) That happened in the "Monster" episode.--Unfashionable Peter. (54) Mr. O'Neill's lava lamp can be seen at the teachers' lounge in "The Daria Database".--Psychedelic Peter. (55) The "talking toilet" joke occurred in the "Through a Lens Darkly" episode.--Peter Guerin (who thinks toilet humor is an American Standard). (56) That happened in the "Arts 'N' Crass" episode.--Artistic Peter. (57) See the "See Jane Run" episode for details.--Non-Athletic Peter. (58) That happened in C. E. Forman's "Accept No Substitutes". --Bookworm Peter. (59) That happened in "Outbitched".--Recap Peter. (60) That happened in C. E. Forman's immortal two-part story arc "Rain on Your Parade"/"Quinntet".--Peter ("I really like C. E.") Guerin. (61) That fact is mentioned in the article about the teachers' lounge in "The Daria Database".--Prof. Peter. (62) That's my cute way of "explaining" the events of "Depth Takes a Holiday", by dismissing it as a story Daria wrote in her literary journal. By dropping the hint that Jake and Helen were thinking of having another child at the same time Daria was writing this, it helps to clarify a few things. This and what actually happened in the events depicted in "Daria!: The Musical" will be revealed in future stories. --Bemusing Peter. (63) I introduced the local Burger World restaurant (which should be familiar to fans of "Beavis and Butt-Head") in "Karen Carpenter Blues". --"Have It Your Way" Peter. ================================================================ THE END ================================================================ THIS HAS BEEN AN EXCLUSIVE CREATION OF MARK ZERO FAN FICTION, UNLIMITED! ================================================================ "Home of the World's Weirdest Fan Fiction" ================================================================ Home page: http://direct.at/markzero.com or http://www.geocities.com/televisioncity/network/4938 ================================================================ E-mail: markzero@zdnetmail.com ================================================================ Subscription list: http://MarkZeroUpdate.ListBot.com ================================================================ CLANG! CLANG! OUCH! I HIT MYSELF WITH THE !@#$%^& HAMMER! ================================================================